RevGalBlogPals

11th Hour Preacher Party - A Heady Affair

2009-07-11T00:01:00.005-04:00

OK - so, puns aren't usually my thing, but I couldn't resist.

There are definitely some rich and image-filled texts to work with this week - dancing before God and kings, heads on platters, plumb lines. On Tuesday it looked like there were a lot of folks going with David, but there was a smattering of everything being tossed about?

Are there any Reformed tradition folks recognizing the Blessed Birthday?

What are you thinking about? Where are you going? What do you need?

As always there are snacks, sermons, prayers, intros, illustrations, and support to just wrap it up and preach it! Stop in when you can and enjoy the party. Like the lectionary this week, there's rarely a dull moment!

Friday Five: Exercise

2009-07-10T13:19:00.000-04:00

I just got back from an 8 mile bike ride down the beach boardwalk near our home, and was struck with the number of people out enjoying physical activity. Runners, other cyclists, surfers, swimmers, dogwalkers, little kids on scooters....

It's easy to lose track of my physical self-care in the midst of flurried preparation for a final on-campus interview Monday for a college teaching position in the Midwest (prayers welcome!) and the family move that would accompany it. But each day that I do make time to walk or ride my bike it is such a stress reliever that it is well worth the time invested!

So how about you and your beautiful temple of the Holy Spirit?

1. What was your favorite sport or outdoor activity as a child?

2. P.E. class--heaven or the other place?

3. What is your favorite form of exercise now?

4. Do you like to work out solo or with a partner?

5. Inside or outside?

Bonus: Post a poem, scripture passage, quotation, song, etc. regarding the body or exercise.

As always, let us know in comments if you play. Post a direct link to your blog entry in your comment using the following formulation in the comment box: <a href="the url of your blog post goes here">what you want the link to say goes here</a> For a complete how-to, click here.

Ask the Matriarch - Touchy-Touchy!

2009-07-09T07:29:00.002-04:00

Our question today is a touchy one! How do you deal with parishioners who are touching or handling you in ways that are inappropriate or make you uncomfortable?

I'm a minister-in-training with the Church of Scotland and have been very aware of well, 'touchy-feely' parishioners/ folks visiting service. Now, I'm generally a tactile type, but... well there are limits!
Here's an example:
I was on placement at a central church in the city - and the only female on 'team', which was absolutely fine. Anyhow, it was a 'rugby' weekend when Ireland where playing Scotland. After the 1st morning service, 3 huge men [really, almost 7 foot high x 7 foot wide, they had obviously played rugger in their younger years!] came out of the service, whereupon one of them tucked me under his arm and said 'well, we thought we'd teach you all a lesson in how to play rugby.'

There were a couple of thoughts that came to mind:
1/ knee said guy in the groin for being way too familiar, in Christian love of course.
2/ knee him in the groin anyway just for boasting about their team winning!!
3/ respond graciously to the over-familiarity, because as a woman and as a professional, that's what we have to do.

Of course, I opted for number 3 and made a gently humorous and extremely gracious quip back with a smile, although I was inwardly fuming. All was fine and off they went.
However... they would never have done this to the male ministers. Why is it that some chaps think they can get away with invading a woman's personal space in such a way, when they would never dream of doing the same kind of thing to a male minister?
While I don't want to be stand-offish and cold, I also do not want to be literally man-handled. How do you deal with this subtle/ not so subtle sexism... and, should I just have gone for option one!!?? :)

Sue responds:
First, let me say that you handled this very well and with a lot of grace. Their behaviour was entirely inappropriate of course. After all these years I am still dealing with subtle and not-so-subtle sexism in the church - even in my uber-liberal denomination.

In my own congregation, two women clergy came before me, so my credibility was intact before I even stepped in the door. They understood and had no problem with women in ministry. They still have no issues there.

However, we are in amalgamation talks with a church that used to be Methodist and became part of the United Church of Canada in 1925. They have never had an ordained female minister. Ever. I'm preaching at their church (with both of our congregations) for five weeks this summer. Last week was week 2.

One fellow, who should and does know better, stopped me at coffee time and said, "That's a nice suit" - then he stepped his whole body back, put up his hands, laughed and asked, "Or is that sexist??"

Now, why did he have to add that? I pretty much pretended I didn't hear it, or understand it, and carried on the conversation briefly before moving on. I didn't want to start a scene in coffee hour by kicking him in the groin. :)

Another gentleman, the same day, at the back of the church following worship awkwardly shook my hand, had trouble looking me in the eye and said, "Thank you....uh....Miss." It wasn't his fault. He has no context in which to place me. There I am conducting worship in alb and stole - something he's not at all familiar with - and he stumbled on the exit. That gentleman I can understand. The other guy (the suit guy) knows better. That's the difference for me.

It's a matter of whether someone is just generally confused about how to receive you and honour your presence - as unusual as it may be to them - or someone who is just trying to get under your skin.

In the first case, I responded with gratitude. I wish I had a better answer as to how to respond to the ones who are just messing with my head. I do know, however, that this will come up at our summary meeting in the fall when we have both church councils together to talk about how the summer went. The Other Church, in our case, needs to do some intentional learning where women and the church are concerned.

Sunday's Coming writes:
You are entitled to have your own physical boundaries respected. Personally I wouldn’t worry about seeming ‘cold and stand-off-ish’ if this means that men don’t patronise you – it is up to you when you choose to let your guard down, not them. There’s also an important issue here that what happens to a woman minister in front of the congregation sends out important signals to all the people there (especially young women).

I have (even by quite close friends) been described as a ball-breaker, but I won’t put up with anything that I think sets a bad example: it is striking that I don’t have to do or say anything to impose this, people just seem to pick it up. (Psychologists might want to talk about eye contact or ‘bearing’ or other non-verbal signals).
In private of course I am as warm and friendly as the next person – but in front of a congregation I hope I am professional & I expect to be treated as such.

Just call me prickly!

As Sue makes clear, the issue isn't always one of physical touch - sometimes what a person says can be just as inappropriate. I'm guessing that many of us have dealt with suggestive or otherwise inappropriate comments from parishioners or colleagues. In some ways, this issue is no different from us than for women of any male-dominated profession. But in other ways, our situation is unique - we are expected to give and receive hugs, to allow for (and even nurture) a certain level of intimacy with people, etc. In short, our work is relational, which can blur the boundaries even more for people who might already be a bit confused about how to deal with us.

Our two matriarchs have offered some good thoughts. What about the rest of you? Any advice for our colleague?

We have some more great questions lined-up in the queue. As always, if you have an issue you'd like the matriarchs to discuss, please email us at askthematriarch@gmail.com.

Wednesday Festival: Dog Days

2009-07-08T06:51:00.000-04:00

Did you know that in the Northern Hemisphere, the Dog Days of Summer run from July 3 to August 15? In the Southern Hemisphere, you're looking at January to early March. There's your fun fact for the day! (Source: my Returned Peace Corps Volunteers calendar & Wikipedia) . Walking out my door this morning was very DOGGY in that sense. Hoping that your weather is nicer.

Over at Eternal Echoes, Sally shares how a meeting with a friend got her thinking about grace-filled listening to those with whom we don't necessarily agree. Her post specifically refers to issues of theology and practice, but I can't help thinking how important this is in many, many areas of our lives, and on many topics.

I'd like to introduce Niwaki, who will be joining the Wednesday Festival hosting rota soon! Go over and say hello.

What are YOU thinking and blogging about these days? Let us know! You can post a direct link to your blog entry in your comment using the following formulation in the comment box: <a href="the url of your blog post goes here">what you want the link to say goes here</a> For a complete how-to,
click here.

And remember, to nominate a post (your own or someone else's) for the Wednesday Festival, simply mail to wednesdayfestival@gmail.com.

Tuesday Lectionary Leanings: "Get A Head Edition"

2009-07-07T15:59:00.006-04:00

Readings for the coming Sunday can be found here .

(My apologies for the late posting -- my day began at 4:30 a.m. when we dropped off our kids at Detroit Metro, then continued to the VA hospital in downtown Detroit for Fellow Traveler's earlybird appointment. After we finally got home my first agenda item was a serious meeting with a pillow.)

Talk about thematic whiplash this week -- we begin with the story of a somewhat reluctant prophet -- "Hey, I'm just a small-town dresser of sycamore trees; God's really the one telling you this" -- getting a less-than-enthusiastic reception from the Powers That Be; we abruptly move into a soaring description of God's love and care for the people of God, chosen from the beginning as part of God's glorious plan for the eventual gathering up of all creation into Godsself; then we careen into the story of John the Baptist, another prophet found perplexing by someone large and in charge, who winds up losing his head -- literally -- for his dedication to God's truth.

So is being chosen by God a good thing or a bad thing? Yikes.

So how will that preach on Sunday? Or will you be preaching on other texts/themes? As always, please share your thoughts here.

Monday Meet and Greet: New Team Introductions

2009-07-06T07:48:00.003-04:00

Happy Monday, everyone!

As you heard last week, mompriest will be shifting her duties and has "retired" from hosting the Meet and Greet after a much-valued ministry of hospitality among us. Thanks, mompriest, for your efforts over the past two years! She will still be writing Sunday Prayers and look for her to join the Preacher Party rotation, too.

Mary Beth and I will be sharing this feature going forward, and we will be assisted in our work by two people who have been part of the team for a long time, though their work is behind the scenes. The Membership Committee includes DogBlogger of Dog and God and Teri of Clever Title Here. When bloggers apply to join the ring via Ringsurf, the three of us check to be sure the new applicants meet our requirements for membership (as displayed in our sidebar and here below):

Membership in the ring is open to bloggers who are:
1. Women clergy, women church professionals, and women religious, or those discerning a call to Christian ministry.
2. Women or men blogging pals of (1).
3. All committed to building a supportive online community for women clergy, women church professionals, and women in religious life.
4. You must be an active blogger for the previous three months in order to join and to maintain membership.

We also check to be sure our ring code is displayed on the new blog.

Most of the time the answers to the questions above are fairly obvious, but just in case there are concerns I am glad we have a team to check into them. For instance, we occasionally consider exceptions to the three month rule: did the blogger have a previous blog and move? or has the blogger changed to preserve anonymity or to throw of the cloak of a pseudonym?

Including Mary Beth, we now have a membership committee composed of two clergy members and two lay members, representing the Episcopal Church USA, the Presbyterian Church USA, the United Methodist Church and the United Church of Christ. If you serve or belong to another denomination and would like to see it represented, please send us an email to volunteer.

We currently have 323 blogs listed in our sidebar, though that does include a few special cases. Every six months or so we go through the list carefully to delete inactive blogs and broken links.

Recent members and applicants have connected to us by "meeting" some of our members via Twitter! It's a new day.

And I hope yours is beautiful.

Faithfully,
Songbird

Sunday Prayer Prophet edition

2009-07-05T01:03:00.000-04:00

God of all,
We know you sent us out to do your work, to face rejection, to spread the good news of the Kingdom of God, to have people turn their backs on us, to be your prophets, to be laughed at, to heal the sick, to be dismissed, to travel light, sometimes broke and sometimes penniless, and sometimes rich and wealthy.

We are reminded to shake the dust off of our shoes when we are not welcome and not listened to. We are reminded that in our weakness you are strong. We are reminded that in all of this Jesus too was rejected and a scandal to many.

Lord today some of us today some of step into pulpits as your prophets in places where we have been treated less than kind, and sometimes out right rejected. Lord, pour your healing salve into the wounds we carry.

Today, some of us are so wounded from the attacks that it is hard to lift our feet to shake the dust off our shoes, pour your healing grace over us that makes Christ power perfect in our weakness.

Today, some of us feel like total failures and like giving up, pour your steadfast love into us that we may see ourselves as you see us, and not give up as you yourself did not give up. Amen

11th Hour Preacher Party: Fireworks Edition

2009-07-04T01:20:00.001-04:00

It's the 4th of July, so for those of us in the U.S. it's Independence Day! And while we may love the holiday for its own sake, it may also put some pressure on our worship planning. But it strikes me that this week's texts from both Ezekiel and the gospel invite some comparison to the holiday, because the appearance of a prophet will usually light things up, just like fireworks.

Let us know how you're celebrating, if you are, and share thoughts about tomorrow's sermon. I've got marshmallow squares to share and later I'm going to try a new recipe for Blueberry Buckle. How about you?

Join the discussion in the comments; let the fireworks commence!

It's all about the look- Friday Five

2009-07-03T06:16:00.004-04:00

In readiness for my move in 6 weeks time I spent almost all of yesterday morning sorting through my wardrobe ( closet, I am so British :-) marvelling at how I had accumulated so much stuff! The result is three large sacks full of clothes to be given away. Some came into the category of " what was I thinking", some too big now ( at last), and others I will never shrink into again. Some are going simply because I want to streamline my wardrobe.

So how about you:

1. Are you a hoarder, or are you good at sorting and clearing?

2. What is the oddest garment you possess and why?

3. Do you have a favourite look/ colour?

4. Thrift/ Charity shops, love them or hate them?

5. Money is no object, what one item would you buy?

As always, let us know in comments if you play. Post a direct link to your blog entry in your comment using the following formulation in the comment box: <a href="the url of your blog post goes here">what you want the link to say goes here</a> For a complete how-to,
click here.

Ask the Matriarch - Hosting Male Friends

2009-07-02T08:16:00.003-04:00

Today's question poses a problem unique to single clergypeople:

I am a young-ish 30-something pastor, serving an established, traditional congregation within a conservative -- although not generally repressive (depending on who you ask) -- denomination. The church is filled with folks my parents' ages and a few newer, younger members.

Here is the issue: I went to seminary in my denomination. As a result, most of my best friends are men -- married and single. I have always thought that I would be able to host them in my home -- no problem -- should they come to visit. Recently a parishoner's comment led me to question that assumption. Although it is not an issue yet, it seems it WOULD be an issue for some members of the congregation if I were to have out-of-town guests of the opposite gender to stay with me.

On the other hand, it is an issue for ME not to have my guests stay with me. It feels like a breach of hospitality, not to mention I feel like a teenager -- having to "avoid the appearance of evil" and, as a result, miss out on the privilege of being a hostess to certain out-of -town guests.

Thoughts?

I personally had this same problem in my first parish. I was 25, single, living three hours from all my friends (meaning most visitors would want to stay overnight), and pastoring in a town of 1100, where everyone knew everyone's business. When my boyfriend visited, I went to great lengths to have him hosted by a church member. My church members were very gracious in allowing him to come and go to visit me, rather than feeling like he needed to act as their guest (in other words, he was my guest, he was just bunking at their place). When my best male friend visited though, I simply told parishioners he would be staying with me in my guest room, as my female friends always did. So from the beginning, I drew a line between the guy who was my boyfriend and the one who was just my friend. I was never sure if this was the right thing - I found out much later that someone in the town gossiped about my boyfriend sleeping over - but my parishioners seemed to appreciate both my sensitivity and my open communication with them.

Diane writes:

I think that, though it seems like an aggravation, your writer is probably correct that it would not be a good idea to host her single male colleagues at her home. I'm saying this as a woman in her 50s, and a pastor of an older congregation, with many people in the age range that might have a problem with this. I know it seems hiypocritical to worry about what "people might think", and I have absolutely no doubt about the pastor's intentions.

I don't think there is any way you can get around the provlicity of some people who like to talk, whether it is in judgment, or in curiosity about whether their young pastor has a romantic relationship possibility. When I was interviewing at my first parish, the whole congregation came out. One person in the back piped up with the statement that "The pastor in the next town is single."

That being said, perhaps there is some way you can get your congregation involved when your friends visit. Perhaps you can have your friends stay at a parish member's house, but host them (and the host family as well) for a dinner, or a breakfast, even, at your house.

Your parish members are going to be curious about your life. Of course, you need to be careful about keeping your own boundaries, and your own privacy. This is also an opportunity to think about these questions as well.

Sue offers:
I guess it is far too easy for me to say "Forget the gossip and host your friends as you please" - but I'm not in your situation, nor am I part of your denomination, so instead here are a few possible responses to "concerns" should they be voiced by your parishioners:

1. Tell them a bit about your guest. "It's so lovely to have ________ here for a few days. He and his wife and children are some of my best friends. The whole family was unable to visit, but it's nice to see him just the same."

2. Comment on how lovely it is that the manse is large enough to host some of your favourite friends from seminary and talk about how good it is to catch up and remember that important time in your life.

3. At the next meeting of your Board/Council/Stewards, ask for a few moments to explain the situation. Tell them exactly what you have said here, that these are friends and nothing untoward is happening. Thank them for understanding that keeping in touch with seminary friends is important in ministry for many reasons.

My guess is that once the Board hears it, the gossip will die down because the people who peak through the window shades to see what's happening at your house will be soundly told that it is not worth talking about - that you are only inviting friends for a visit. That may sound a bit polly-anna-ish, but in my experience - once the truth is out there, the suspicion and gossip tends to dissipate.

Sunday's Coming writes:

I think if you can have a discussion about this with the church somewhere (church council / elders’ meeting / leaders’ group – depending on your structures) it can only help.
If people are going to feel negative about you having guests it will only be made worse if they somehow feel it has happened behind their backs.
Of course you are in the right & it shouldn’t be a problem – but the fact that you are thinking about the issue shows that it could be a problem for some people.
If you can have an adult, open, sensible discussion about this where you can calmly explain your position to some church folk, it may set minds at ease.

This would mean that if you did have a guest and there was any comment in the church community there would be people around who could say ‘oh yes, she has guests – we discussed it and it’s fine’.

If on the other hand the church cannot give permission, how much worse would it be if the subject has to be tackled after the event, almost as an accusation?

God grant them the good sense to agree with you!

Mompriest adds:

Oh where to begin? On the one hand I really think we clergy must have a private life that is unrelated to the congregation - they do not need to know every detail of our lives. On the other hand we do stand for and are expected to model appropriate, acceptable moral behavior - and that means even the appearance - or not - of such acceptable behavior. So a decision like this depends on a number of factors based on what acceptable behavior means to your flock.

I really think you have to listen carefully and assess your congregation. I would even suggest you speak to the leadership and get a feel from them. If they are willing and able to support you then you might be ok, otherwise I suggest your guests stay in a hotel.

----

What a tricky situation, eh? It's something that previous generations (male, mostly married) never had to wrestle with. Some of you have probably had to grapple with this one as well. What are your thoughts?

We have many great questions lined up in our queue for the coming weeks. If you have something you want the matriarchs to discuss, please send your question our way at askthematriarchs@gmail.com.

Wednesday Festival: Monkey Underwear Edition

2009-07-01T14:37:00.006-04:00

Newly joining member LuckyFresh shares a multilayered approach to prayer. She's also pondering the difficulty of thanking God.

Sally has sparked an interesting conversation on The Lord's Supper/Communion, drawn out of her reflections on participating in an Anglican Mass at a friend's ordination.

Christine invites one and all to this week's poetry party. Theme is "Always we Begin Again."

Diane says, "I attended the North American Stewardship Conference - Beyond Security...in Toronto, June 18 - 20, 2009. The message is urgent and several Denominations attended from across North America which gave it such flavour and texture....and energy.

I wrote a letter to the leaders who made it happen after I wrote a poem about the message that was clearly for the Christian church.I have shared these writings on my blog...spiritual motion."

Jane Ellen + has a very funny post entitled "Big Manly Knives and Swords Sunday." I'll let you discover for yourself! :)

Ruth Everhart has written a novel about a clergywoman, which advanced to the quarterfinals in this year's Amazon competition! Exciting! Now she is looking for readers and commenters. If anyone is interested, please contact her via her blog comments.

Tuesday Lectionary Leanings - "Just as I am" again...

2009-06-30T05:07:00.002-04:00

This week's lections are here
In my parishes we'll be celebrating the arrival of a new deacon, ordained just 2 days ago - and so our readings are quite a gift.

I have quite a dodgy relationship with Paul, but I think this time we'll be working with the Epistle.
Though the glories of the ordination service (16 new deacons presented to a packed Cathedral whose ancient stones have seen such celebrations countless times before) might have seemed like a foretaste of heaven - even they can't really compare with the experience that Paul describes (or rather, tries not to).
But the pattern is the same...An experience of intense and awe-inspiring holiness, and then.......woomph.........down to earth with a bump.

We don't know what Paul's thorn is, whether a physical defect of some kind or an individual who made his life miserable, - but we do know that his appeals for relief were denied.
God told him, in as many words, that this was a gift...a way of ensuring that he, Paul, does not become a celebrity himself but relies for his vindication on God alone.
"My power is made perfect in weakness"
That's the same agenda that we find in the gospel, as the twelve are sent out, empty-handed, to begin their ministry.
If I'm feeling very brave I might use these texts to issue a gentle challenge to my congregations, loaded as we are with buildings, committees and structures of all kinds.
Would we dare to just go - depending on God?
Would you?

There's another clear track in the gospel, of course;the question of familiarity breeding contempt. My curate has been moved from the parishes where he grew up, so that he can engage in a new way with fresh people. The system protects him from becoming a prophet without honour in his own country...but as we dig roots down deep into our faith communities, as we become known by those to whom we minister, I wonder if we find our prophetic edge dulled - by what they know of us, as well as what we know of them. There's a challenge for pastors - to be fully known and yet to be heard and respected...

Early musings on a very muggy Tuesday...I'm longing to hear where you're heading this week.

Meet and Greet

2009-06-29T06:00:00.005-04:00

Photo by Mompriest's husband, taken from our backyard...

Little ground squirrel families like the one in this photo fill the sandy foothills of the mountainside we live on. They love to nibble on the remains of celery, carrot, and mesquite tree beans. They are friendly little creatures and entertain us with their play. In this photo it looks to me like they are looking for new friends, hoping to say "Hi" and "Welcome!" Let's extend a warm greeting to our newest RevGal...

Sarah at: never perfect always real. She describes her blog thusly: A 20-something mom trying to balance ministry in the United Church of Christ with parenting two little ones. My guy, Jack, is 2 1/2, and Irene is almost 6 months old! It's a crazy, busy, messy, wonderful life.

Welcome Sarah!

I became the host of Meet & Greet in September of 2007 and it has been my great pleasure to serve the blogring in this capacity. I've met some really great bloggers and appreciate all who stopped by to welcome our newest members. Thank you Songbird for giving me this opportunity and for all your help over the years.....Now it is time for me to resign from this position and move on to other ventures. I'll be around hosting from time to time in various roles on the blog, and look forward to those opportunities.

Look for Meet and Greet to return in July hosted by Songbird and Mary Beth!

Sunday Prayer

2009-06-28T04:00:00.000-04:00

Gracious One
be with those who
seek you this day

Those who bleed
in body
mind
or spirit

Those who cry
from depths
heart
soul longs

Gracious One
be with those who
do not know You

The lost or
spirit blind
deaf
to your love

Gracious One
who love us as
mother
father
sister
brother
friend

Startle us
beckon, guide
push
awaken us

Gentle One
gift us
love
not earned, free

Gracious One
be with us
be with us
be with us
be.

Amen.

11th Hour Preacher Party - Re-entry Edition

2009-06-27T09:10:00.004-04:00

Well, sorry for the late post, folks!!! I just got back from 2 weeks of vacation and continuing ed last night, and I forgot to pre-post like I planned!!! Re-entry is always a transition in church and home life.

How are the sermons coming? This week's Mark passage is one of my FAVORITES, but I'm not preaching. We are dedicating our new outdoor labyrinth and doing something a little different.

For the Mark's - - Are you doing the WHOLE story or breaking it up? I was always struck that as long as the girl had been alive, the woman had been suffering.

Anyway, I need to help get breakfast ready for the family. My husband's been on double duty for a few days so it's time to step it up and help. I can offer Cheerios, yogurt, and milk. I'll hit the grocery store when it stops raining and see if I can sweeten the offer a little later!

Check-in and, again, sorry for the tardiness!!!

Friday Five: Talkin' 'Bout...Pop Music

2009-06-26T11:01:00.006-04:00

(This is how I like to remember him...)

Happy Friday to you all!

The sad news of Michael Jackson's untimely death has me thinking about music and its effects on us - individually, as cultures, as generations. Let's think about the soundtracks of our lives...

1) What sort of music did you listen to as a child - this would likely have been determined or influenced by your parents? Or perhaps your family wasn't musical...was the news the background? the radio? Singing around the piano?

2) Going ahead to teenage years, is there a song that says "high school" (or whatever it might've been called where you lived) to you?

3) What is your favorite music for a lift on a down day? (hint: go to www.pandora.com and type in a performer/composer...see what you come up with!)

4) Who is your favorite performer of all time?

5) What is your favorite style of music for worship?

Bonus if you include a video of any of the above!

As always, let us know in comments if you play. Post a direct link to your blog entry in your comment using the following formulation in the comment box: <a href="the url of your blog post goes here">what you want the link to say goes here</a> For a complete how-to,
click here.

Ask the Matriarch - Overwhelmed in the Face of Heartbreak

2009-06-25T00:20:00.003-04:00

This week's question involves a really tough situation - for both the parishioner and the minister. The minister writes:
A woman in my parish unexpectedly lost her adult daughter a few months ago. She has been experiencing severe, paralyzing, debilitating grief compounded by alcoholism. She rarely accepts offers to visit, although she will occasionally speak to me on the phone. She has been evaluated by social workers, but will not accept any alcohol or grief counseling. I am overwhelmed. I feel helpless to help her. I know I can't fix it, and I'm honestly having a hard time even being a non-anxious presence, because nearly every time I speak to her she repeatedly asks me how I would feel if I lost my child. I don't know what to say to that heartbreaking question - not the first time, and not the tenth time. I really don't know what to do.

Mompriest offers:

This is such a sad situation. There is no answer to the question she asks, it's rhetorical in its very heartbreaking asking. But there is a response - to care for the aching woman and her loss by taking the sorrow to prayer. Her decision to soothe her pain by drinking is her decision, a sad one, but it is a (unhealthy) way we humans respond to pain, stress, life.... Eventually she may awaken from her darkness and choose another response.

Prayer too is a response. One that brings God into the situation and the response. That is the primary action the clergy can take in response to this. Secondly the clergy can empathize with the woman, even if they haven't experienced it personally, and honor that her loss is one of the deepest magnitude. Sometimes all we really need in our deepest pain is to know that some one is listening, deeply listening, no answers, no suggestions, just listening. And praying.

A third option, as she is ready, is to refer to her a therapist who can help her understand why she is choosing to assuage her pain with alcohol, which in the long run only prolongs the experience of, and therefore the moving through, of pain.

Revhoney writes:

I can hear the anguish of a pastor’s heart in your words. We answered this call, at least many of us did, because we want to help others. Sometimes, however, we feel absolutely powerless, completely useless.

But we are not powerless or useless. We are the chief intercessors for our people. Pray fervently for this woman. Pray for her grief to be eased. Pray for her deliverance from her addiction. Pray for yourself to be fully present with her even if you have no answers for her questions. Pray for God to grant you words that may offer comfort. Pray for others who may be trying to comfort her. Pray before you call her on the phone.

When she asks “how would you feel…”, could you acknowledge some sense of how you think you would feel? Broken-hearted, beyond grief, hopeless? Perhaps all you can say is, “I can’t begin to imagine how it must hurt. I am so sorry.” And if she is silent or angry in the face of your response, let that be okay. Let her know that she is safe to express her grief with you.

For your own spiritual and emotional health as a caregiver, I strongly urge you to consider a relationship with a spiritual director. S/he can be a tremendous help for you as you learn to accept your limitations and embrace the means of grace that God so freely offers us.

Sunday's Coming adds:
I don’t know what to do either.
I am reminded of a wise chaplain in a psychiatric ward who once counseled me to listen to what my gut was saying when I sat with people experiencing mental health problems. Often they did not say very much, but how they were feeling was communicated to me in how I went away feeling (I hope that makes some sort of sense!).
As you describe this woman’s situation and your own response I feel lost, overwhelmed, helpless... I feel it, you feel it, is it too simplistic to suggest that she feels that too? So ‘all’ you can do is be the steady presence – continuing to ring and ask how she is, continuing to pray, responding with a visit when she is ready for that.
She’s in a rough sea – you’re the beacon of light when she’s ready to try and steer for shore.

And you don’t need to be alone – at least one other person needs to also be phoning her from time to time, and maybe if you have the right people a small group could pray for her and let her know they are doing that. It is all you can do – and I pray it will help in time.

There's a striking unity to the wisdom the matriarchs have written, with prayer at the core of what we ministers have to offer. What else might you say to this struggling minister?

Wednesday Festival: What's Up?

2009-06-24T11:01:00.008-04:00

Once again, no emailed nominations for the Wednesday Festival. I know people are busy with vacations, conferences and continuing ed, camps, family changes that result from kids being out of school.
In lieu of a roundup, then, two options.
1). Either share in the comments a favorite post (yours or another ring member's) from recent bloggage - instructions for linkiness below -
or -
2>. tell us the next 'festive' thing you have planned for the summer (festive may be interpreted as broadly as you wish!). Going somewhere? Staying home and going to the water park? I'm regressing to my childhood: Wham-0 Slip & Slide anyone?

or maybe a Wham-O Water Wiggle?

Blessed day to all!

Tuesday Lectionary Leanings - an embarassment of riches.

2009-06-23T07:20:00.003-04:00

On Sunday I'll be in the Cathedral, as my soon-to-be Curate is ordained Deacon - but my associate has been unwell, so I'm aiming to produce a sermon just in case, to ease his burden a little, as I don't really think he should be working this weekend...

It's a good week for preachers, I think - though I'm willing to bet that the preacher in the Cathedral (who will have led the 3 day ordination retreat) will probably not look at any of the themes lectionary...If he does, I'll let you know!

Meanwhile, I don't expect I'm the only one to have trouble with today's gospel.Texts for the week are here
When I was a child I loved it, because it was the only story in which Jesus had dealings with a little girl. The illustration in my Bible (very much like this one) finally dropped out, because I wanted to look at it again and again. Jesus with a little girl. Wow!
When I was a bit older, I hated it because I saw it as part of a world view in which children came second...Jesus stopped to talk to an adult and as he delayed the child died.
Older still, I picked up the themes of uncleanness and exclusion, rejoiced that the haemorrhaging woman had the courage to seek her own healing (even if it was as a last resort) and that for her, community was restored.
Today I'm wondering about her exchange with Jesus
"The woman, fearing and trembling, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell down before him, and told him the whole truth."
I wonder what the whole truth was?
And I might dare to ask the congregation how truthful they are as they present themselves to God....and how truthful they are with themselves.

Or I might go wandering into the realms of WHY.
When Jesus says, with such clarity
"Your faith has healed you" - why does God not heal all who believe and trust that God will?
I'd fight to the death (verbally at least) anyone who claimed that when healing doesn't happen, it represents a failure of faith...and I know that there are many who would benefit from taking the lid of these almost unanswerable questions.
Exploring some of the links from The Text this Week I found these questions, which might also be helpful

Look around! Are there miracles happening that we do not notice because of the crush of so many who press upon us?

Look ahead! Are we so sure of what we think are the facts that we laugh off the possibility of what God might actually be able to do?

And all that, just from the gospel!

David's lament for Jonathan is one of the most powerful expressions of grief that I know...and a good launch pad for exploration of love and bereavement.
Here David was certainly telling the whole truth about his relationship and making no attempt to conceal the intensity of his grief. Being real about what we feel is not something that happens enough in my churches...How about yours?

But maybe what I should really preach is the epistle. Both my churches AND my church school are engaged in major fundraising, for essential work - and in the current climate that's certainly not easy. But I'd sooner try to explore once again the whole basis of our giving...
Do we give from excess (so that our giving dries up when we find ourselves short of cash) or from the heart...I fear we are, for the most part, a long long way away from giving with eagerness, because we desire to give - and there could be a fruitful sermon to be drawn from that.
At a recent clergy gathering our Social Responsibility Office was asked how the churches should respond to the current economic crisis...He was admirably direct (Paul would have been proud of him)
"Give more" he said.
I wonder if I would dare to challenge my congregations with that...

So many fruitful possibilities...Looking forward to hearing where you are off to this week.

RevGalBookPals: Abide With Me

2009-06-22T06:56:00.001-04:00

Welcome to this month's edition of RevGalBookPals . For the summer months we are choosing fiction and giving reviews of some favorite books or series. I've chosen Elizabeth Strout's novel, Abide With Me. Set in the late 1950s in a small Maine town, it tells the story of a Congregational pastor who struggles with life and ministry and parenting after the death of his young wife. A beautifully written book, Abide With Me raises questions we might ask today about our relationships with church members and what it means to have social and emotional boundaries without losing the chance to be authentic human beings.

The central character, Tyler Caskey, lives with his young daughter, a traumatized and grieving kindergartner, while his mother cares for his younger daughter at her own home. He cannot see how troubled the older child is and resists the efforts of school authorities to intervene. As he stumbles through life trying to process his own grief while still performing his job, everything he does (or doesn't do) seems to cause people to talk.

I suspect any small-town pastor can relate.

As a person who lives in Maine, and who married into a native family, I find Strout's characterization of the people and the places to be pitch-perfect. Olive Kittredge, her recent Pulitzer Prize-winner also set in Maine, but mostly in this decade, is so real as to be painful.

Rather than give away the plot entirely, I would like to encourage us to talk about themes from the book and how they might touch on our own experiences in the life of the church, whether we're read the book or not. I highly recommend both of Strout's books for your summer reading lists!

So, some questions or conversation-starters:

1) Have you ever been the target of gossip in the church? How did you handle it, if so?

2) Strout portrays Caskey as a father who is reluctant to take the opinion of the school teacher and administrators about his daughter's emotional and academic situation. For pastors reading, if you have school-age children, do you find your role helps or hinders or makes no difference when you relate to school officials?

3) The Caskey family lives in a parsonage given to the church after the congregation sold the beautiful former parsonage in the center of town. The physical isolation of the house serves as a metaphor for the emotional isolation Caskey's wife felt as a young pastor's wife. Can you relate to that sense of isolation? Do you have techniques or practices to try and overcome it?

4) Contemporary seminary education instructs us to have some pretty strict boundaries with church members. But anyone who has lived in a small community while doing ministry knows how hard this can be. If something really goes wrong in our lives, people will know about it. Can we risk being vulnerable in our ministry, letting our sorrow show?

5) If you've read the book and have things to add, please do so!

Edited to add: if you're reading a good book, let us know in the comments!

Sunday Afternoon music video- Praise my Soul the King of Heaven

2009-06-21T15:00:00.001-04:00

We opened our service with this hymn - isn't it beautiful to see that different places bring on a different flavor to the same hymn? This one is interesting as it views different members in the congregation singing (you may even see a familiar face -- you may want to note that in the comments if you see someone you know) - the diversity in this service is notable of people from around the world.

It's a favorite hymn of mine so I share it with you on this Sunday afternoon. What hymns were a part of your worship today?

Sunday Prayer

2009-06-21T02:00:00.000-04:00

Oh my!
God,
Still the waves
that rock this
life.

Settle
fast
beating hearts
anchor fear
breath.

Stir in us
hope
take hold, now
faith, Oh God,
God?

Awaken
love
embrace us
still the wind
fear!

Silence, awe
God.
God with us
God in us,
Love.

Gentle wave
Christ
in and through
us, hand, heart,
Faith.

Amen.

11th Hour Preacher Party: Dark and Stormy Night Edition

2009-06-20T01:02:00.000-04:00

In a week of storms both literal and figurative, many of us prepare today to preach about a storm calmed by Jesus, while some may be telling the story of a boy who felled a giant.

What other unlikely goals will we try to accomplish today?

Chime in below by leaving a comment. Tell us what you're preaching, share your idea for a children's story, or report on the challenges of a June Saturday, whatever they may be.

I'll keep the coffee coming!

(Painting by He Qi)

Friday Five: Life is a Verb

2009-06-19T04:00:00.002-04:00

Digh, Patti. Life is a Verb: 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful,
and Live Intentionally. Guilford, CT: Skirt!, 2008.

Jennifer recommended this book, which I got because I always value Jennifer's reading suggestions. The author of Life is a Verb, Patti Digh worked her book around these topics concerning life as a verb:

Say yes.
Be generous.
Speak up.
Love more.
Trust yourself.
Slow down.

As I read and pondered about living more intentionally, I also have wondered what this Friday Five should be. This book has been the jumping off point for this Friday.

1. What awakens you to the present moment?

2. What are 5 things you see out your window right now?

3. Which verbs describe your experience of God?

4. From the book on p. 197:
Who were you when you were 13? Where did that kid go?

5. From the book on p. 88:
If your work were the answer to a question, what would the question be?

Bonus idea for you here or on your own--from the book on p. 149:
"Go outside. Walk slowly forward. Open your hand and let something fall into it from the sky. It might be an idea, it might be an object. Name it. Set it aside. Walk forward. Open your hand and let something fall into it from the sky. Name it. Set it aside. Repeat. . . ."

As always, let us know in comments if you play. Post a direct link to your blog entry in your comment using the following formulation in the comment box: <a href="the url of your blog post goes here">what you want the link to say goes here</a> For a complete how-to,
click here.

Ask the Matriarch - Church Websites: Outreach vs. Privacy

2009-06-18T00:00:00.001-04:00

Most of us are dealing - both personally and professionally - with how to take advantage of emerging technologies in the most appropriate way. Sometimes our dealings with such technologies has unanticipated negative consequences. We probably all have internet horror stories we could share. Today's question deals with the difficult balance between using the internet to broadcast what a church is doing and protecting individual church member's privacy.

Recently, a church member called the office to say that he was disturbed to discover that information about himself and his children was readily available through an old church newsletter archived on our website, easily discovered through a google search. He asked us to remove the information, which we promptly did. The information was basic information that you might find in any church newsletter - the date the family joined the church, where the parents worked, the names of the children - but I feel terrible that we are responsible for putting information out on the internet that he would have wanted to keep private.

We have recently done a lot of work to update our church website (we hired an advertising firm for several thousand dollars), and we are thrilled with the results. In addition to publishing our bi-monthly newsletter on it, we keep an archive of old newsletters going back several years. I am concerned now that we ought not be doing this. The committee responsible for working on the website felt strongly, as I did, that we ought to have current and new information going up on the website on a regular basis, and that the newsletter was an important vehicle for that. But now I am left wondering if we should not publish our newsletters on our website, since they often include personal information about families in our church. Options include taking the newsletter down entirely, only publishing the first page (the pastor's column), only publishing a condensed version (without any personal information), or making the newsletter a "members only" feature. I believe that the newsletter is an important resource for people seeking a new church home, so I am hesitant to remove it or make it only accessible to members, but I am also concerned about protecting the privacy of church members. I am curious if others of you have dealt with this issue, and how you have handled it.

Mompriest writes:

I think it is a good idea to make the newsletter available online to as many people as possible. Newsletters are one way that churches share with the community a bit of its identity, beyond just calendar data. It is however a good idea to remove from the published edition any personal info: parishioner phone numbers and addresses, names and ages of kids, things like that.

I also think it is a good idea to have "members only' info available on line via a password, or something like that, but even then I'd be careful with what info is included. Passwords have a way of getting out.

Lastly, to avoid any potential missed, old data, I'd just remove everything and start from scratch....that is unless you are really certain you have eliminated it all.

Sunday's Coming offers:
My previous church had a discussion around this very issue: how much information to release on the website.
In the end, rather reluctantly, we erred on the side of caution: the only part of the newsletter which was available online were the ‘non-personal’ - the church calendar. At first this made me unhappy – I wanted all the information out there, but we live in a naughty world and I came to realise that if people from outside were looking at the site with a view to attending, they would be more interested in the fact that the scouts were having a car wash than the fact that Beryl Bliss had celebrated her 90th birthday.
We did however have a short ‘news’ section where, with permission from the individuals, a photo and short item was included – just to give a more personal touch. We also decided that we would have sermons on there from time to time, when they seemed particularly appropriate, rather than a regular ‘slot’ which might not mean much outside the community.
I’m not saying we got it right – but that’s the way we went.

If you want to see the finished article, it’s at
http://www.trinityabingdon.org.uk/

What about the rest of you? Is this something you are dealing with or have dealt with? Please share your wisdom.

Also, we currently only have one more question for the matriarchs in the queue. So if you have an issue you'd like the group to discuss, please send us an email at askthematriarch@gmail.com.