Kurt's Martini

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Timex Watches

2006-11-30T21:26:00.000-05:00

Howdy from the “Music City,” Nashville, TN. My mother and uncle will soon be arriving and I think a fun weekend will be had by all. I’ve got my camera and will snap lots of photos.

Polonium is HOT! HOT! HOT! Ever since that spy died a horrid and mysterious death from this highly toxic element, polonium is all over the news—Paris, Britney and Lindsy must be fuming! Although I hate chemistry, I did a little background research on polonium in order to educate my readership. Polonium was discovered by none other than Marie Curie and her less famous husband Pierre (who died in 1906 when his skull was crushed in a freak horse and carriage accident!). Marie, who was from Poland, named the element after her motherland with the hopes of publicizing the plight of her people who were unfairly dominated by Russian, Prussian and Austrian rulers. It is likely the only element named to highlight a political controversy. Its symbol is “Po” and it has an atomic number of 84. Polonium is very rare. It uses include neutron trigger for nuclear bombs, photography brushes and obviously, radioactive poison.

My 80’s music reviews are clearly no longer coming on a weekly basis so please enjoy my first 80’s Song of the Month: “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley. British-born pop star Astley exploded onto the music scene in 1987 with his debut album Whenever You Need Somebody. “Never Gonna Give You Up” was the first release from the multi-platinum album. This freckle-faced red-head, who looks similar to comic book hero Archie Andrews, has such a distinct, booming voice that had it not been for the popularity of music videos, few would have ever realized that Mr. Astley is not a black singer. Like most of his singles, the song begins with a bombastic drum machine and synthesizer intro before his deep, powerful voice takes center stage. If you believe the lyrics to the song, Rick Astley would make a pretty great boyfriend. He promises that he is...“Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna say a lie and hurt you.” What a sweetheart. It’s an upbeat song—great for exercising—and was a huge smash all over the world. The song was a UK number one hit for five weeks before reaching the top of the Billboard charts in the spring of 1988. Rick retired at the height of his fame claiming his distaste for celebrity and a desire to raise a family.

Christine and I "ran" over the Williamsburg Bridge this morning. It was good fun! Who else is going to join us? It's approximately 2.5 miles back and forth.

House of Bluebirds

2006-11-29T21:35:00.000-05:00

Yeah. I am lazy. Sorry.

Thanksgiving was extremely relaxing. I didn't gorge myself as much as I thought I would. After all, it was my first Thanksgiving feast in four years. My mom’s delicious spread sure beat those rice and beans from Sudan.

I am watching America’s Next Top Model. This show is really nothing more than an opportunity to humiliate these poor naïve girls. The panelists claims that its challenges are representative of the difficulties faced by models in “real” world but I am certain that Tyra Banks has never been forced to dance flamenco or sit in ice cold water for a half hour. Last week was an especially painful episode where the contestants had to do a commercial hocking some assortment of beauty products. The twist being that the girls had to speak in Spanish! Nothing sells makeup like awkward phonetically-learned foreign languages!

My father and I went to Huntley’s annual Turkey Testicle Festival where Illinoisans gather to drink beer and munch of deep-fried turkey balls. No lie. They weren’t half bad. The secret is in the batter! Photos are above.

Tomorrow I am off to Nashville to see the Dixie Chicks in concert. I am happy to get out of the city. It’s been a tough week.

Rumpus Room Round-Up

2006-11-06T22:10:00.000-05:00

Monday is here again and I feel like crap. It’s not a cold, or the flu. My body is clearly rebelling against the many unhealthy choices I made this weekend. Firstly, there was the alcohol. This included several bottle of wine on Thursday, followed by numerous beers on Friday evening and Saturday afternoon. On Saturday night, I made the regretful choice of sipping a rummy mug of eggnog. Oh! And I had two beers on Sunday night while watching Desperate Housewives at Urge. I have not consumed this much booze in quite some time and so I think my liver was shocked. On top of that, I ate like a pig. Thursday night I made a healthy and delicious fish soup followed by selection of less healthful Sugar Sweet Sunshine puddings. Friday’s feast of mac-n-cheese and ribs is well-documented on Zain’s site (aptly titled “Triple Chins”). Saturday, it was off to Brooklyn for a game of Risk and numerous cheesy poofs. We stayed in Brooklyn for dinner at Myrna’s. She served a massive spread of pub grub. I will certainly be working overtime at the gym this week.

I bought this sofa on Sunday. The apartment is definitely coming together.

For your consideration…

A Few of My Favorite Things:

Carrie Underwood’s New Single. Last year’s wholesome American Idol victor turns evil in this hot song that currently sits atop the Billboard Country Charts. Sample lyrics: “I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped-up 4-wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seat. I took a Louisville Slugger to both head lights, slashed a hole in all four tires. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.” She also talks about drinking whiskey and hooking up! What has the world come to?!

King of Shaves Shaving Gel. I love this stuff—especially the menthol brand. Sure, it’s always on the dusty, bottom shelf at the Duane Reade but this product is smooth and tingly. Plus, you’ve got to love the name! It also has a convenient size that is perfect for travel.

Abizz. Because of its shady location on Eldridge (nestled in between government housing) few know about this restaurant. At almost four years old, it is easily among the top restaurants in the Lower East Side. The large brick oven and warm lighting create a romantic atmosphere. The reasonably priced Italian cuisine includes delicious pizzas.

A Few of My Least Favorite Things:

Marilyn Musgrave. This ultra-conservative Colorado congresswoman vigorously peddles legislation outlawing rights for gays and lesbians. According to Musgrave, protecting marriage is THE MOST important issues facing our country. In addition, she sponsored legislation that would make 2007 “The Year of the Bible.” Luckily she is in a tight political race. Keep your fingers crossed that the Democrats kick her righteous butt to the curb.

The F-Train on Weekends. What the hell? I was forced to take the dreaded G-Train last Saturday! The MTA needs to get this issue resolved I am expected to seriously consider relocating to Brooklyn.

Sweet Potatoes. Yuck. Sadly, this vile tuber was one of the only vegetables that my brother liked as a child. My poor mother always had to cook an alternate veggie dish to please me. They are truly the only vegetable I really cannot stomach.

Danny's Gong

2006-10-31T23:23:00.000-05:00

I have just balanced my check book and it doesn't look pretty folks. November is going to be lean! When it rains it really does pour! Between my new contact lenses, health insurance, closet shelving, wedding gifts and a flight to Nashville (to see the Dixie Chicks!) it is going to be a lean month. I had hoped to buy a new collection of Banana Republic dress pants but it will have to wait until December. I may look rich, but I'm really not. Brother can you spare a dime?

Christine used the word 'papoose' in a sentence the other day. She dropped it in our conversation while describing her Madonna Halloween costume, "I wore a white suit and carried a little African baby in a papoose on my back." I should add that she didn't tote a real, live African baby (though that would have been more authentic). Anyhow, I have always loved the word 'papoose' but until yesterday had never heard it used in an actual sentence. Thanks Christine! As a side note, I ran into Christine this evening and she was NOW dressed as Angelina Jolie (and reycled African baby!).

Speaking of Halloween, I attended Catherine's party dressed as a hunky pilot. See photo evidence on her site.

Big News! Jet Blue will offer flight to Chicago's O'Hare Airport commencing in January. This means, I never to fly ATA or United again! Huzzah!

Guinea Pigs Kisses

2006-10-22T23:17:00.000-04:00

The family fun continued today with a good old-fashioned pumpkin carving party. I chose to carve a funky white pumpkin which I fashioned into a pretty nifty skull. Kent created a boozebag pumpkin and Karly showed off her skills with a knife and carved up a jolly jack-o-lantern. Mom is still working on her painted pumpkin/flower pot.

For dinner we had Nancy's pizza, "home of the original stuffed pizza!" Deep-dish pizza is a classic Chicago dish and one of my favorite culinary splurges. I don’t want to be controversial but I just don’t understand why people get so excited for a thin, floppy piece of New York pizza. Chicago-style (above) is basically an entire wheel of cheese melted atop a thick buttery crust with toppings hidden deep within the cheesy, gooey deliciousness. Clearly this is the food of the gods. I realize that this fatty pizza alone is very likely the chief cause of obesity in the region but then again, Midwesterners are so mich happier and cordial than New Yorkers. And I am sure this pizza has something to do with that.

I return to New York (and its pathetic pizza) tomorrow.

It's Raining Menthols

2006-10-21T23:33:00.000-04:00

My many weeks of travel have come to an end and with the exception of one brief stint in Kansas City next month, I shall remain in New York through December! November and December are peak fundraising months for non-profits so I will be busy. But I don’t mind. It has been eons since I was actually busy AT MY DESK.

This weekend, my siblings and I converged upon Chicago to surprise my mother and father. They were flabbergasted as I walked through the door although they were not as stunned as the unfortunate mother of a friend of my taxi driver. After, explaining where I was headed for the weekend, my cabbie told of a pal who decided to show up at his parents’ apartment in Queens unannounced after ten years apart. The man’s paperwork had finally cleared and he was now able to immigrate to the USA. When he showed up at the door, his mother was so shocked that she had a heart attack and died on her front stoop. Luckily, my parents survived and we are having a wonderful family weekend together.

Tara Reid has had her botched boob job fixed. Actually, her plight ALMOST makes me pity her fledgling career and horrific nipple scarring.

While driving to the mall today, Bananarama’s "Cruel Summer" came on the radio. In the cold, dreary Chicago weather, the song seemed wildly out of place but it is such a great tune that I was ready forget that winter is fast approaching. So, today’s 80’s Song of The Week is “Cruel Summer.” British girl-group Bananarama was founded in 1981. Their first studio album was released in 1983 and yielded several modest hits on the UK pop charts. Bananarama’s self-titled sophomore effort was released in 1984. It was a modest success in America fueled prevalently by the popularity of the single “Cruel Summer.” The song was featured in the blockbuster film Karate Kid (I believe it plays as Ralph Macchio and his divorced mother relocate from dismal Jersey City to the even more dismal Reseda). Bananarama’s style of singing is sometimes enthusiastically described on websites as being “unique” for its lack of harmonizing. Basically the three members of the band sing the same melody into one microphone. It is unclear why this particular factor should be touted as it seems to imply that Bananarama were relatively unskilled musicians. No comment. Anyways, “Cruel Summer” is indicative of this particular singing style but it is really the calypso beat and melancholy instrumentals that assure “Cruel Summer” a spot in 80’s history. The song peaked at number nine on the Billboard charts--their first of the three top ten hits in the USA.

Please peruse these photos of Katie and Dan’s beautiful Brooklyn wedding. Kudos for booking the Bar Tabac ragtime band! October is clearly the month for weddings these days...

Eskimo Hair Pies

2006-10-08T22:33:00.000-04:00

Today is my birthday inching me ever closer to 30 years old. Brett greeted me with balloons, a hot new digital camera and a tasty brunch at THOR. Next, we headed over to Prospect Park for Katie and Dan's wedding (photos later in the week). The weather, ceremony and reception were perfect and now I sit in bed with heavy eyelids.

We actually celebrated my birthday this past weekend when Zain and I co-hosted our first annual “Birthday Extravaganza.” Although I cannot promise that there will be a second, it was indeed a smashingly good time. We bowled, we drank, we consumed cupcakes, we leafed through porn and we partied with C-List celebrities. Could it get any better? Above find a slew of photos documenting the momentous occasion. The semi-famous folks we boozed with at a Hell’s Kitchen dive bar called Siberia included Kieran Culkin (celebrating his birthday) and “Finch” from American Pie (the one who seduces Stiffler’s mom). Christine signed Kieran’s stomach with an oversized novelty pen while he declared that the reason people were signing his stomach (and not mine) was because “he is special.” I disagreed with Kieran and attributed it instead to my hairy stomach. He did wish me a happy birthday though. My only complaint is that despite the aforementioned porn (thanks, Tamar!), there was overall a surprising lack of gifts. Could it be that my friends are growing cheap in their old age?

Ever since my life has become a slightly duller version of Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?—I doubt that any gumshoes ever had to venture to Dayton, Ohio—I am finding that the most satisfying sleep I get today is aboard airplanes. I sit down, buckle up and pass out. Often, I manage to doze soundly from before take-off until after we land. Even Jet Blue’s 36 channels of in-flight direct television fail to keep my awake. By the way, last week I flew on Jet Blue’s inaugural flight from JFK to Columbus, OH. We were given posters of downtown Columbus and upon exiting the plane walked through a balloon archway.

111 Rivington welcomes new roommate Renee! And I haven’t had a chance to express my elation at the departure of Catherine’s vicious, evil and rotund feline, Xena. I will not miss being greeted by hisses and jiggling belly fat. This by no means indicates that I shall not miss Catherine, just her bi-polar, psycho hell-cat.

Meanwhile…

A Few of My Favorite Things:

1) Lost. Finally! This week’s season premiere was mysterious and suspenseful. We are at last getting a glimpse into the lives of “The Others.” Why are they on the island? Will they torture their captives? Or are they simply misunderstood? I can hardly wait until next Wednesday night.

2) Kristen Wiig. KW is the newest female cast-member on Saturday Night Live. She has impeccable timing and does some hilarious impressions including Drew Barrymore, Katherine Hepburn, Judy Garland and Jane Pauley. Kristen earns laughs even during the most rambling and unfunny sketches. I hope that she steals some of the thunder from that overexposed and overrated Amy Poehler.

3) Glen Campbell. His song “Wichita Lineman” has been named by numerous publications as one of the greatest songs of the 20th century. It is one of the most emotionally-riveting country tunes of all times. Other noteworthy songs include: “Gentle On My Mind,” "By the Time I Get to Phoenix", "Galveston" and his best-known work “Rhinestone Cowboy.”

A Few of My Least Favorite Things:

1) Dane Cook. Who is this guy? And why was he hosting the inaugural episode of SNL this past weekend? Survey says: “Not funny and not talented!”

2) Dennis Hastert. As a morbidly obese, conservative Republican involved in an unforgivable sex scandal, Congressman Hastert is repellant in so many ways.

3) Pigeons. They are dirty, poop all over everything and New York would be a much more enjoyable place without them.

Get Thee To A Vomitorium

2006-09-30T21:26:00.000-04:00

Enjoy these photos from Tbilisi, the capital city of Georgia. If you are following international affairs, you will know that Russia and Georgia are experiencing very strained diplomatic relations. Although there are many reasons for the bad blood, Abkhazia is certainly a key factor. Having discussed the situation with several friends and colleagues in the Caucasus, war is not out of the realm of possibility. Crazy.

Tonight is my birthday party. Zain (whose birthday was September 8th) and I are hosting a bowling party. Drunken stories and blurry photos are sure to follow...

Q*Bert Bacharach

2006-09-19T23:56:00.000-04:00

Greetings from the great state of Missouri! I am in Kansas City. By driving into Kansas (the state) this afternoon I have now officially visited 46 states. Look out Oklahoma, Alaska, New Mexico and Vermont! Anyhow, Kansas City has—like so many Midwestern cities—seen better days but there remains some gorgeous old architecture including old-time drug stores, classic diners and an incredible collection of turn of the century mansions.

I watched The View this morning and although I hate to admit it, Rosie O’Donnell is pretty damned hilarious on the show. She has effectively hijacked the show from the other panelists who might as well be replaced by cardboard cut-outs. Even Barbara Walters seems dull by comparison. In other television news, as much as I want to like it, The Megan Mullally Show is totally weak. I have yet to see The Rachel Ray Show but I hear good things.

The Gap is airing a cool new commercial featuring style icon Audrey Hepburn. Although it is tacky to hock your wares using dead celebrities, especially one who served as UNICEF goodwill ambassador given The Gap’s questionable labor practices, I am really digging the hip dancing. Miss Hepburn’s moves are lifted from the flick Funny Girl.

Today, while giving a presentation on the African nation of Angola, I referred to this fertile country as the 'bread bowl of Africa.' I corrected myself and explained that I had just had lunch at Panera and meant to say that "Angola is the bread basket of Africa." Sigh. I think about food way too much. At least the audience got a good laugh.

Finally, congratulations to blogger, actress and roller-derby ho Fiona who is now engaged to her beau Randy! Plus, it seems quite likely that she will soon be joining us in New York City.

It Tastes Like Burning

2006-09-15T08:30:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned yesterday, I am in the process of organizing my photo library. Here is a gem from Abkhazia. This bull spent every day in the pond hanging with his froggie friends. They had a great symbiotic relationship going on: the bull attracted flies but before they could bite him the frogs snapped them up.

It’s been a while but here is a new 80's Song of the Week. Tonight’s hit was suggested by Zain’s child bride, Kathryn (AKA Chach), to commemorate the impending divorce of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. The tune is “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)” which was the first single released off of Houston’s second studio album cleverly entitled Whitney. It rose to the top of the charts during the late spring of 1987 continuing Whitney’s amazing streak of number one singles. In fact, it would become her fourth number one smash in a record-breaking run of seven consecutive chart-toppers. “I Wanna Dance With Someboday (Who Loves Me)” was originally written as country tune but Whitney’s producers added in pop beats and Caribbean percussion to spice things up. Warning! Listening to this song may cause the listener to grab his or her hairbrush and shake their ass all over the house in search of somebody to “feel the heat with.” Interestingly, although Miss Houston had a string of dance hits in the 80s and 90s, she is rumored to have had terrible rhythm and could not dance.

The classic Parker Brothers game Monopoly has been updated for the 21st Century. The “Hear and Now” version of the 70 year-old board game was launched yesterday. Gone are Park Place and Boardwalk (replaced by Times Square and Fenway Park) and the railroads have been nixed in favor of America’s busiest airports. Other properties include The White House, Hollywood and Disneyland. The tokens now consist of branded items including McDonalds fries, a Starbucks latte, the Toyota Prius, a New Balance shoe and a Motorola phone. The dollar amounts have also been increased. Passing go now earns you $2 million. I think I will stick with the old version. Besides, how realistic is it to build hotels on the White House? And who would want a house in Times Square?

I used to be a big fan of the CBS reality show Survivor but like so many others, I have grown tired of its repetitiveness. However, the new racial twist to the show has intrigued me enough to tune into last night’s premier episode. For those of you who don’t know, the teams are divided into four racial groups: Caucasian, African-American, Hispanic and Asians. So far, there isn’t really a discernable difference between this season and any others. It was just okay. The Asian team dominated the challenge and the African American team just barely lost out to the completely inept Caucasian team. Each contestant seems quite cautious to say anything remotely provocative and during interviews you can tell that everyone is choosing their word’s wisely. You know what would make for an interesting Survivor? Gay men versus lesbians!

Anderson Cooper Thinks He's So Cool

2006-09-14T14:54:00.000-04:00

I love this weather! For the past four years I have been deployed into the field during New York City’s legendary autumns and this year—so far—it looks like I will get to enjoy the changing leaves in Central Park and don only a sweater as I head to work. That being said, I am traveling like a maniac so perhaps I am a tad too hasty in expressing my excitement for the approaching fall. Currently, I am sitting in a dingy Ramada in Fredericksburg, Virginia. The city has a lovely historic downtown but its outskirts are fairly depressing. After visiting the Super Target and Super Wal-Mart, I am plumb out of things to do. And so I am catching up on some personal administration including the organization of my photo library and updating the martini.

Brett and I traveled to Kentucky for a wedding this past weekend which was a ton of fun. The rehearsal dinner was held on an 80-acre horse farm in Lexington and the wedding reception was at the world-famous Churchill Downs in beautiful Louisville. We had a good time. Sadly, my beautiful (and fairly new) mobile phone, Samsung’s sleek d807 was dropped on a busy road and promptly run over by a passing automobile. Needless to say, damage inflicted by speeding vehicles is not covered by my warranty. The good news is that the time has come to renew my contract and so I was able to get a new phone for quite cheap. Also, as beautiful as my phone was, I really prefer a flip-phone and so I have ordered the well-reviewed Z525a by Sony Ericcson.

Here is a New York Times article detailing the latest reality show to come out of England: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? The show, produced by Andrew Lloyd Webber, is a live talent competition that aims to find an actress to play the beloved roll of Maria Von Trapp in the West End production of The Sound of Music. There is talk of bringing this format to the United States in order to find an actor and actress to take the lead rolls in Grease.

On that note, I would like to add a new weekly feature to the Martini called “My Favorite Things” where I highlight a few of the simple pleasures currently making my life more enjoyable.

A Few of My Favorite Things

1) Panera. This upscale fast food joint is happily popping up all over American suburbs. The bread bowls filled with savory soups are excellent but my favorite thing there is the house latte. Flavored with vanilla, honey and nutmeg, this coffee beverage is delightfully spiced and delectably creamy. Its prices won’t break the bank either. New York City needs a Panera stat.

2) The Cosby Show. I cannot watch Sex in the City without cringing at its desperate attempts to be clever and cool. Although it only went off the air a year or two ago, time has been very unkind to Carrie Bradshaw and her crew as they whine and dine in now tired (or defunct) NYC hot spots dressed in mortifyingly bad fashions. Instead, I suggest that you watch another show based in New York City and containing an equal number of ridiculous outfits: The Cosby Show. Besides being infinitely more intelligent, funny and heartwarming than most anything on television these days, the delicious chemistry between Bill Cosby and his hot on-screen wife Phylicia Rashad is reason alone to watch this class sitcom.

3) The Toyota Camry Hybrid. This car is rocks. My mother recently purchased Toyota’s new eco-friendly vehicle and her hip quotient has risen by 94%. She even chose the sassy metallic green color. The handsome leather interior and sharp high-tech dashboard make me weak at the knees. Is it wrong that I am jealous of my mother’s car?

A Few of My Least Favorite Things

1) Jack Black. I watched him host the interminable MTV Music Video Awards. Does anyone else agree that his shtick has grown just a tad tiresome? I predict that it is only a matter of time before he is downgraded from B-list celebrity to VH-1 talking head.

2) Baggage Claims. These new airline security regulations are the pits. Not only am I unable to take bottled water onboard the aircraft, but now I must check any bag containing toiletries. I hate standing around at the baggage claim. Some have suggested that travelers simply purchase toothpaste and hair products upon their arrival. But to those people do they not realize how expensive contact lens solution is?! And so I wait...

3) Cantaloupe. Gross. It is very probably my least favorite fruit.

There's A Fly In My Ranch Dressing

2006-08-29T23:10:00.000-04:00

Okay. My August hiatus has come to end. I apologize to all of you that have waited so patiently for Martini updates. I have finally returned to the USA and between my high school reunion, Jessie's wedding and re-acclimating to a desk job, I decided to take a little break from writing and posting photos. There will be no more long breaks and I promise to provide uninterrupted coverage of pop culture, politics, travel, food, beverage and biology.

Firstly, Zain and Kathryn have moved to New York City. Well, Queens actually. But that is a big step up from DC. To welcome them to the city yesterday, a group of us traveled to Staten Island to watch the S.I. Yankees play the Brooklyn Cyclones. It was a pretty boring game but the company was good and the food was delicious and plentiful. It only costs $11 to see a game and the free ferry trip is always a good fun.

I have some sad news: beloved roomie Catherine is moving out. I am bummed to see her go but there is a silver lining: her awful cat goes with her! Seriously, I need a new roommate. Anyone know anybody looking for a large apartment in the Lower East Side?

Dolphins are out! Manatees are in! Tappie the manatee is making waves all over the east coast. First he visited the Big Apple, and has most recently been spotted off the coast in Massachusetts and Rhode Island. The endangered manatee is commonly seen in coastal waters off of Florida. The gentle manatee commonly grows to ten feet and can weigh over 1,000 pounds. They are shrimps in comparison to their extinct cousin the Stellar Sea Cow which could reach lengths of 25 feet! The poor Stellar Sea Cow was hunted into extinction in the 1700s. A rare skeleton of the bygone beast is on view at the American Natural History Museum on the Upper West Side.

Speaking of which, the Darwin exhibit at the Natural History Museum was pretty lame. And to make matters worse, a touchy security guard yelled at me for snapping photos of their yawn-inducing displays! I pretended to erase them but I didn’t really. I can scarcely imagine what the museum staff is so protective of. Don't flatter yourself. Hugely disappointing.

I am definitely not going to Sri Lanka. What a mess it is there.

My mother’s guinea pig Sprinkles had babies yesterday. She gave birth to two very cute and perky little piglets. Guinea pigs are one of the only rodents whose young are born with hair and open eyes. They are practically self-reliant after two days. Aren’t they cute?

Camp Cucamonga

2006-07-26T08:22:00.000-04:00

I am very happy to be back home in New York City, however I had forgotten just how unbearable this place can be during the summer heat. I definitely did not miss the stench of rotting trash or the stagnant smell of steaming vagrant urine. I got stuck behind a garbage truck yesterday and the scent was unbearable! It was very likely the worst thing I have ever smelled in my life. All these years in war-torn hell holes and the stinkiest place of all remains NYC.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful although I did manage to buy and install a new air-conditioning unit thus doing my part to ensure that future generations will enjoy polluted air and electrical shortages. Also, I hung out with Eric, Elisa and Cort. We were planning to go to Coney Island but instead decided to make hamburgers and sip vodka tonics. We may still go to the famed amusement park this week. Eric taught me how to play backgammon, which despite its simplicity (I prefer games with timers, buzzers, fake money and elaborate rube Goldberg devices) is a lot of fun. I also caught up on quality television by watching the E! True Hollywood Story - Full House edition. It was very illuminating. By the way, welcome to New York Eric and Elisa.

Please enjoy 16 photos from Abkhazia. Above, you will find images from Sokhumi, the capital of Abkhazia and by far its most beautiful city. Reconstruction is moving slowly but little by little it is returning to its former glorious self. Sokhumi was known as the 'Monte Carlo of the Black Sea' and much of its architecture invokes wealth and European grandiosity. It has many decent restaurants and even a beautiful botanical gardens. Below is Nova Afon ("New Athens"), the site of an ornate Romanov church, a war monument and some of the world's deepest caves. I tried to tour the caves, which involve riding a dilapidated (and most certainly unsafe) tram through the tunnels, but the queue was too long. Cursed Russian tourists!

I am really digging Cass Elliot's best-of album, "Mama's Big Ones."

I am feeling in the mood for a McGriddle. More soon.

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Suicidal Drunk

2006-07-23T23:59:00.000-04:00

I apologize for not chronicling the last two weeks of my time in Abkhazia but I had so much work to. In fact, I still owe the program one more report! I will eventually get around to organizing and posting lots of photos--probably later this week. On my way back to the western world, I spent another night in the Georgian capital and discovered that it has a really wonderful, classy nightlife. Parts of the old town are reminiscent of New Orleans (charming alleyways, ornate balconies) only without the drunken frat boys and exposed bosoms. Georgian wine is also worth mentioning. Pretty tasty.

Currently, I am in Amsterdam and have been relaxing and enjoying the sites and sounds of this magnificent city. Accommodations are courtesy of Fiona’s parents who have a gorgeous little apartment on the Amstel canal. I get giddy each time I look outside and see the boats and bikes passing by my window. Amsterdam is a vibrant city and for over 400 years the Dutch have carefully maintained its upkeep. Yesterday I took a daytrip to The Hague and had a quick look around. Of course I ventured into Wassenaar, an exclusive suburb of The Hague where Myrna, Zain, Cort, Fiona and yours truly, spent our formative years. Not much has changed there although Manhattan-style luxury apartments are popping up allover the Langstraat and Wassenaar is getting its first brothel.

I will carry this nostalgia through the week as Friday begins my ten years high school reunion weekend celebration. To make things easier on the travel budget we have decided to host the event in New York City which was founded by the Dutch and was formerly known as New Amsterdam. We have 21 alumni from the class of 1996 coming. So if you should see a group of rowdy, orange-clad, Heineken-sipping 20-somethings parading through the city streets please remain calm. It’s not the Dutch army returning to reclaim its rightful property; it’s just us proud graduates of the American School of The Hague.

It is worth mentioning that Cort (AKA Booker, better known as the weakest link on Zain's blog) has retired and will soon head off to law school. Congratulations! New York will miss you! Don't turn all west coast on us, okay? Perhaps slightly less worth mentioning: Myrna has been whipped into a frenzy by mini corn.

I really like mangos but they are so hard to cut. That is until I read this helpful website on how to properly slice the delicious fruit using the “hedgehog” method. Now I can cube mangos like its going out of style. Subsequently, I plan to make many tasty ceviches and salsas this summer! Interesting factoid: the mango is in the same family as poison ivy and some people get rashes from touching the mango skin.

George Michael continues to do his part to dispel myths about gay culture and further the advancement of gay rights. Best line (after George is caught shagging some old man in a public park): "Are you gay? No? Then f*** off! This is my culture!" Since when did culture come to incorporate seedy sex romps in the bushes? Whatever happened to painting, classical music and folk dancing?

Okay, I guess I better get packing. See some of you tonight.

Unwritten

2006-07-08T00:00:00.000-04:00

Hey friends and family. I am currently in Tblisi, the capital of Georgia. It is an interesting city and I will write more about it later in the week. I have been in the field for most of last week hence the lack of communications. But I should be back in business this week. I hope all is well wherever you may be!

Last weekend I went to Pitsunda, one of the resort areas featured in my photos below. Fifteen expatriates (representing 13 nationalities) checked into one of the fanciest hotels in Abkhazia. The all-inclusive resort made me realize that this sort of leisure experience is exactly what is missing from Las Vegas: a Soviet-themed hotel. If I had several million dollars to play with, I would open such a hotel. I would call it Red Square. Here are my ideas:

· The construction will be substandard. Doors and windows would not open or close correctly. From a distance, everything would look quite nice but upon closer examination it would be apparent that every installation has been hastily installed.

· Furniture will be ridiculously outdated. Mattresses and pillows will be unbearably lumpy. Your television will be operated by knobs.

· Wiring would be especially faulty. No more than 15% of all light bulbs in the hotel will be functional.

· Air-conditioning, although existent, shall never be turned on. Your windows will open only a few inches to allow a feeble breeze to enter your room.

· All meals will be scheduled during ridiculously complicated and brief timeframes. An overweight matron will angrily usher you out of the dining hall should you even dare prolong your dining experience.

· Food will be recycled throughout the day. Raisins served at breakfast will be added to a lunchtime casserole which will then be breaded and deep-fried for dinner.

· Speaking, smiling, laughing and showing any sort of emotion will be forbidden at all meals. The same also applies to the lobby, beach, bar and nightclub.

· Elevators will be especially small, hot and rickety. They should open randomly on every floor except the one where you want to exit. This is assuming you can even find an elevator that is not filled to capacity with sweaty tourists holding fully-inflated rafts and inter-tubes.

· The swimming pools will be drained during the hours that it is open to hotel guests. They will be filled only in the middle of the night but promptly emptied again by opening hours.

· Your room shall contain no toilet paper, soap or shampoo. The front desk, when approached for such a request, will suggest that your party of 15 share one roll of toilet paper.

· During exciting moments of the World Cup (or other prime television events) the power shall cut off—sometimes for 30 minutes or more.

· Cranky housekeepers will obsessively monitor the use of your towels. If a towel is misplaced at the beach, they will follow you around barking angrily in Russian. You will be charged $10 if you cannot replace the towel by checkout time.

All of this and much more can be yours for just $100 per night. Sounds like a good time, right?!

Rubix Cubicle

2006-06-29T08:16:00.000-04:00

I have finally sucked it up and learned how to drive a manual transmission vehicle. I am shocked at how much I actually enjoy it. It takes a lot of concentration here because pigs, horses, cows and dogs have decided they have the right of way. Two nights ago, I went to the beach and parked my jeep on the grass and had a swim. Did I mention that there are dolphins galore here?! When I returned to my vehicle the front of the car was sinking into a foot of mud! I had actually parked on an old marsh that—because it had rained—was very wet below the surface! I was only two kilometers from the compound but I had forgotten my mobile phone and my attempts to radio into HQ were met by confused Russian voices. Luckily, the one other person on the beach happened to be the wife of a compound guard and she was able to summon help using her phone. The vehicle was pulled out of the mud and all is well. But, it did cause me to realize that I should learn some basic Russian and so I have begun taking lessons.

Now, each day I have a one hour lesson with my 17-year old interpreter. I like him a lot but he is pretty tough on me and he lacks a sense of humor. For example, he didn’t find it especially amusing when I questioned the intellect of Vladimir, a character in a workbook exercise, who had inexplicably lost his piano. In another equally idiotic dialogue, poor Nina could not find the stadium even though she is clearly standing in front of it. A stadium is usually pretty easy to distinguish, no? It is really no wonder that Communism failed when you have hapless saps like Vladimir and Nina wandering aimlessly through the streets losing their pianos left and right. In case you are wondering how Vladimir’s story ends, his friend Elena knew where to find the piano (“there” [Perhaps Vladimir is blind?]) and crisis was thankfully averted. Tomorrow begins my third course. To date, I have learned all 36 Cyrillic characters and can read most Russian words pretty quickly. It’s a really interesting language. We begin basic grammar and the number system tomorrow.

The nearby city of Sochi (across the border in Russia) has been selected as one of three candidates for the 2014 Olympics. Sochi is the most glamorous of the Black Sea resorts and contains lovely beaches as well as excellent skiing areas. Sadly, I won’t be able to get to Sochi this trip as obtaining a Russian visa is an expensive and time-consuming affair. Instead, please enjoy Gagra (above) and Pitsunda (below). As you can see, the Caucasus has many diverse environments. Those beaches are just and hour or two from the mountains of Ritsa (see photos in a previous entry). Abkhaz beaches were favored holiday destinations for people from all over the USSR. Gorbachev had his palatial summer estate just south of Pitsunda. Tourism is slowly returning to the region but there is a lot of work to be done. When you look at the photo of the decrepit waterfront nightclub try to imagine groups of well-healed Russians dancing and drinking below the dimly lit chandeliers as a band plays on the circular stage in the background. Abkhazia is full of sad places like this.

Shifting Sticks

2006-06-27T07:40:00.000-04:00

As a founding member of the Christine Lee fan club, I would like to wish her the happiest of birthdays! I wish I could be in New York this evening to honor this momentous occasion by stuffing my face with mollusks. FYI, she likes to be called Crystal.

There are two new delicious singles out on the American airwaves and they are both totally terrible and yet I can’t stop listening to them (yes, I am keeping my iTunes library up to date here). The first song is “Stars Aren’t Blind” the bouncy new track from Paris Hilton. Billboard had the audacity to compare it to “The Tide is High” by Blondie but they are being far too generous. “Stars” lacks any edge and the instrumentals are reminiscent of the calypso-beat demo on my old Casio keyboard. The lyrics are borderline retarded but the chorus is catchy. I can see people enjoying this song at the beach and I can say that Paris’ voice is better than Lindsy Lohan’s.

Jessica Simpson’s new single is called “Public Affair” which might be one of the stupidest song titles in music history especially since the song is about a bunch of girls getting ready to party all night at ‘a public affair.’ Have you ever heard anyone use this expression? And I am skeptical that Jessica Simpson is spending much time at anything 'public.' All of this ridiculousness aside, the sparkly, electronic track behind the inane lyrics recalls early Madonna and it makes for a great dance song. Unfortunately, Jessica has none of 1983 Madonna’s sass and energy. In fact, of these bland bombshells, it is Paris Hilton who manages to eke out a bit more personality in her pop song.

We return to Abkhazia later in the week...

Stomach Stapler

2006-06-26T18:48:00.000-04:00

The food here is really delicious! And I fear that I will return to New York fatter than I have ever been. The staple here is shashlik, which is meat (usually pork) grilled over hot embers. There are some good freshwater fish too. Sides include fresh salad consisting of juicy tomatoes, cucumbers, onions and dill. This would seem to be the healthy option but most people choose to slather their salad with mayonnaise. As you would expect from a post-Soviet state, there are ample amounts of carby potatoes and bread. The real specialty in this part of the Caucasus is khachapuri, a leavened flatbread filled with fresh or aged cheese and covered in butter or an egg. It’s a bit like eating a stuffed crust pizza minus the middle saucy part (and probably much less healthy, if that is possible). Abkhazia produces a lot of delicious fruits: apples, cherries, mandarins and peaches. I have eaten wild plums and strawberries. Wine production and hazelnuts are a big business here as well. If I don’t start exercising more, I will undoubtedly need to invest in some elastic-waste pants.

I finally saw Syriana last night. It was excellent but so confusing sometimes. As the only American in the audience, everyone turned to me to explain any vagueness in plot and character development. The studio should have supplied an accompanying guide to help keep track of everything that was going on. Still, the film was engrossing and worth watching a second time.

Let us take a moment of silence to honor Aaron Spelling who died this weekend. I wonder if there is a “death room” in their mega-mansion. If I was in New York, I would consider organizing a candlelight vigil to remember him. We could walk through Central Park chanting “Donna Martin graduate!” It would be very moving.

Moscow is now the most expensive city in the world. The priciest American city is our beloved New York at tenth place.

Coming soon to a neighborhood near you: octopus dumplings!

The Dutch are out of the World Cup. I haven't decided who I will root for now.

Gaining Confidence, Popularity and Poise

2006-06-22T23:48:00.000-04:00

For many years, the Russians maintained an Olympic Training Center in Abkhazia. Runners, gymnasts, weightlifters, swimmers, and others descended upon this sports complex in preparation for world athletic events. Now, it stands abandoned, destroyed by the war and fifteen years of looting and vandalism. As a swimmer, my colleague thought that I should definitely check out the decrepit natatorium—its pool now filled with murky water, frogs and foul debris. I imagine that Aleksandr Popov would have trained here once upon a time. (I would have named another famous Russian swimmer if I could have thought of any.) Anyway, it is truly a sad place but only marginally worse off than the CCNY swimming pool where my team trains in upper Manhattan. Hah.

The weather here is starting to get hot and my office is growing more and more unbearable each day.

Everyone in our little blogging network is hard at work! Myrna has returned from a brief hiatus and is as entertaining as ever. Zain is promising (to no avail so far!) to regale us with stories about his adventure in Central America and reveal photos of his child bride in a bikini. Catherine is as crabby as ever, bitching about pop music and slashing prices on her iPod cozies. Fiona (who I just saw in London last week) has a hilarious story about Dutch World Cup fans and their controversial lederhosen. Who knew lederhosen could be controversial?

American Idol is all over the entertainment headlines today. Taylor Hicks has jumped straight to the top of the Billboard music charts with his drippy song "Do I Make You Proud." Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee has admitted that she struggled with bulimia. Meanwhile, Ruben Studdard has revealed that he is STILL very much alive and does not have an eating disorder.

Four Minute Warning

2006-06-20T06:20:00.000-04:00

I am safe and sound in Abkhazia. And what a magical place it is! There are lovely beaches, dramatic cliffs, snow capped mountains, mandarin groves, pine forests and all of this in an area 1/3 the size of Vermont. It is truly incredible. During Soviet times, Abkhazia was a favorite resort area for Russian tourists including Stalin and Gorbachev. In fact, their dachas (summer homes) are still standing and are available to let for $100 per night. Stalin’s home was at Lake Ritsa, an amazing nature reserve that would make a mockery of some of our American national parks (except for its frightful roads). It SHOULD be one of the top tourist destinations in the world and for many years it was. Although some people are now returning to Lake Ritsa, it still remains a shadow of its former self and now much of its beautiful landscape is dotted with crumbling hotels and chalets. The park is a magical but haunting place. Anyhow, a group of us did some camping there and then hiked a very steep ten kilometer loop through the mountains eventually reaching a height of 2600 meters. I thought I was going to die on several occasions but as you can see I made it through with just a few dozen mosquito bites and sore thighs. The views were phenomenal until the end of the trek when an eerie fog moved in. Enjoy the photos of Lake Ritsa and its environs.

Thanks to everyone who came to my party. The photos turned out very well and I might try to get some of them posted as a break from snapshots of bleak, war-torn places.

I am working my way through a long list of DVDs including seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage and Six Feet Under. I am especially enjoying the World Cup. Hup Holland! There isn’t a lot to do here on the weeknights but I think I will take a nightly jog down to the beach each night.

The new Christina Aguilera song, “Ain’t No Other Man” is starting to grow on me but it is definitely not her best.

I highly recommend Picasa for all of your photo-editing needs. It’s a free download provided by Google. The program can really spruce up your digital photos and is very user-friendly.

Jagged Little Spill

2006-06-03T15:41:00.000-04:00

I wrote this last week but had to run to catch a plane before I could post it...

Hawaii is really an amazing place. The 'Big Island' is--like its name implies--the largest of Hawaii's islands at roughly the same size of Connecticut. It is sparsely populated and outside of the main resort areas feels somewhat undeveloped, almost third world. Agriculture is still the largest source of income on the Big Island and much of the area to the south of Kona is used for coffee and Macadamia nut production. Avocados, bananas, papaya and other fruits grow wild. Unlike other Hawaiian islands, there are not hundreds of the sandy white beaches one one comes to expect of our 50th state. Instead,the Big Island has just a handful of white, green, or black sand beaches. Many of them are small and remote, but they never seem crowded. Other swimming spots have no beach at all, just hardened lava cliffs, which are amazing for snorkeling. I have never seen so many interesting fish, eels, turtles, dolphins and coral. The Big Island is also home to the Hawaii Volcanoes National Park where lava flows freely sometimes blocking access to parts of the park. We didn't get to see any lava but we could see many steam vents in the ground and the air smelled of sulfur.

The photos below are from our day trip to Oahu. There, we toured Waikiki Beach, the U.S.S. Missouri and of course, Pearl Harbor which proved to be both informative and moving. The memorial at Pearl Harbour actually sits above the rusting ruins of the U.S.S. Arizona, the final resting spot for 1,100 soldiers.

No Whammies!

2006-05-31T22:36:00.000-04:00

My mother and I were recently arguing whether earwigs were carnivorous or omnivorous which led me to discover this most remarkable article about a mysterious species of earwig found only on the island of Saint Helena. This south-Atlantic island is best known as the locale where Napoleon Bonaparte spent his final years but Saint Helena, for scientists and conservationists, is the holy grail of entomology. It is home to countless spiders, beetles and other creepy crawlies some of which have not even been named yet. Anyhow, back to the earwig. The Saint Helena earwig can grow up to 3.3 inches long and because a living specimen has not been seen since the 1960's, many fear that it is now extinct. Prospects for the earwig (if it is not actually extinct) and other rare creatures on the island grow more grim now that the island is planning to build its first airport. The airport may very well destroy the ecosystem that contains these unique bugs (as well as birds and other animals). I plan to visit Saint Helena in the future as it is among the world's most unexplored inhabited islands. Who knows, maybe I will find the giant earwig. By the way, earwigs are omnivores and they don't bore into your ears.

Enjoy the first set of photos from Hawaii. Many of the photos are of plants at the fantastic Botanical Gardens. The bizarre flora here reminded me of the BBC sci-fi classic The Day of the Triffids which gave me nightmares as a child. A bright meteor shower blinds most of the population allowing triffids, blood-thirsty alien plants, to take over the world. The tv movie, despite the shoddy production values one has come to expect from anything by the BBC (let alone anything from 1981), is quite good fun and is now available on DVD.

Okay, its time to hit the sack. I am off to Oahu in the morning...

Flesh Gordon

2006-05-26T23:01:00.000-04:00

I absolutely love my job but it is nowhere nearly as awesome as the job of this New York Times critic who traveled across the United States sampling and reviewing regional fast food. He mentions some of my favorites: Culver’s Butter Burger, Chick-fil-A’s chicken sandwich and Dairy Queen’s Brownie Batter Blizzard. For those of you who are JMU alumni, it should come as no surprise that his visit to Captain D’s Seafood is among the lowlights of his trip (“the butterfly shrimp should be called gypsy moth shrimp”). Zain, I propose that we take a road trip in order to confirm his findings. THAT would make an interesting blog.

I can tell that summer is just around the corner because the radio is full of catchy new pop singles. Notable releases include “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira (featuring Wyclef Jean) and “Promiscuous” by Nelly Furtado (featuring Timbaland). The latter reminds me ever so slightly of 1992's “I Gotta Man" by Positive K. Download now so you can get your dance moves ready for hot summer parties.

I have been keeping a list of amusing YouTube videos for your viewing pleasure:

1) I am fully aware that this video was making the rounds many months ago (I heard about it from my mother) but it still makes me laugh every time! It's the hilarious Taco Town commercial. This is truly one the best SNL commercials of all times. I wish I could find the video clip of another SNL classic, Quarry breakfast cereal (Better, because it's mined!).

2) You know how celebrities supposedly make ridiculous commercials for the Japanese market? Here is an especially shoddy one by Madonna hawking some Mitsubishi music equipment.

3) This American Idol clip is super gay and super creepy at the same time.

4) I feel like I have been writing about Abba a lot but as I was born in Stockholm in 1978, they do hold a special place in my heart. My parents had all of their vinyl records and I can remember listening to them as a small child. Anyhow, if you are a fan of weird 70's art films, check out this Abba music video. "Knowing Me, Knowing You" is one of their greatest hits and the accompanying video is strangely affective. For a group that fell out of favor by the 1980's, they made an impressive number of music videos before there was any market for them. And now you can watch them all on online!

Did you know that Pat Robertson can leg-press 2,000 pounds? Surprisingly, a lot of people don’t believe his story but I'm sure these non-believers will get their comeuppance in hell.

It's hardly surprising that George W. Bush's lackey got into Harvard but the shocker is that the kid doesn't even have an undergraduate degree! Some of his past duties have included dog-sitting the president’s dogs, carrying his speeches and making peanut butter sandwiches.

So, the big news is that I will be spending much of my summer in the former Russian Republic of Georgia. I am pretty excited. I don't know how much I will be able to blog while I am there but I will do my damnedest. Please enjoy my photos from San Francisco, Berkeley and Pebble Beach (top) and from Mount Rainier (below). Tomorrow I head to Hawaii...

Wiggle Worms

2006-05-25T12:13:00.000-04:00

Meanwhile, back in Chicago....

Hi folks. I am currently home with my family in peaceful Saint Charles, Illinois. All is well but I am exhausted and a cranky from missing the Lost season finale. Its been a long, long month. Shortly, I will be driving with sister Karly to Peoria ("The Armpit of America") where I will have lunch with my grandparents and dinner with my little brother. We might also do some bathing suit shopping because one cannot go to Hawaii without appropriate swimwear. Yes, it's true. My next few postings will be broadcast from Kona where my family is renting a house. A vacation is definitely long overdue. I have instructed my office not to bother me and I haven't even bothered forwarding my calls. It will be heaven.

I will get a good, meaty posting (with photos from my Seattle/San Francisco trip) tomorrow. And now, I must depart. The cornfields await!

Steaks On A Plane

2006-05-11T12:37:00.000-04:00

I am relaxing in my hotel room just outside of the Sea-Tac Airport catching up on emails and voice messages. The weather is cool and damp, just like it should be in Seattle. Today, I will venture to the top of Mount Rainier. Okay, not really but I will park below it, snap a few photos and sip a latte in the shadow of its grandeur. It will be nice to be outside. I walked around downtown Seattle yesterday but foolishly forgot my camera. I went to the world famous Pike Place Market which I was surprised to learn is in no way related to juvenile thriller author Christopher Pike. Certainly he deserves to have a some structure named after him. At the market, I consumed an Alaskan cod sandwich and the world's largest, tastiest oatmeal cookie, marveled over some gigantic tulips, purchased some jam for Catherine (did you know that she is a jelly aficionado?) and enjoyed the sunny weather and salty air. Seattle is a fine town.

Several sub-mediocre television staples are airing their final episodes in the coming weeks. Yeah, lowbrow television audiences will soon bid farewell to That 70's Show and Will & Grace. I didn't even realize they were still on the air. Now if only someone could make them dissapear from syndication.

Booker encouraged me to list to Nick Lachey's new single "What's Left of Me" and I concur that the song is catchy. And it seems to be doing pretty well on the charts. Speaking of Nick Lachey, US Magazine is reporting that Jessica Simpson's best friend and long time assistant, CaCee Cobb has quit. Rumors are flying that CaCee has her eyes set on Nick and the pair were recently seen eating together in Los Angeles. My reasoning for sharing this absolutely useless gossip (CaCee Cobb falls into the realm of relevance somewhere between That 70's Show and Will & Grace) is really only because of one reader's comment posted on the US site in reference to this story. Victoria writes, "Sounds like Nick wants to toss that Cobb Salad." Somebody get this chick a blog!