SHANOO'S MUSINGS

Locked up! and a revision in my “to do/learn/realization” list....

2009-10-02T14:21:00.013+06:00

I turned the door knob once more ,a couple of more times and then shook the knob like a dozen times, double checked to make sure that the door was unlocked, still nothing, it wouldn’t open! The door wouldn’t budge nor would the silver little thing which is supposed to go in when you turn the handle move. I felt my pulse quicken and small beads of perspiration started to dot my forehead, I took a deep breath, trying to push down and squash the dark ominous pressure which was trying its best to snake up my oesophagus and leap into my throat. (The news that a Tsunami had hit Samoa and there was an earthquake wasn’t helping)

I took a couple of more breaths, swallowing hard, frantically shaking the doorknob as the realization sank in, along with the pressure I had pushed down my throat. I felt my stomach churn and I called my flatmate and we both started to turn the handle frantically, trying to open the door, the force practically making the door shake on its hinges. We were locked inside the house!

We tried, a credit card, a screw driver, several spoons, a few calls home, googling and a hair pin but the silver thing which is supposed to go in when you turn the knob wouldn’t turn nor would the little knob like thing you’re supposed to press go in and hence the knob wouldn’t come off. We tried to get hold of a locksmith, but no one was willing to come around at that time of the night and it looked like there was no way we could dismantle the lock and open the door except by doing the “ultimate” of breaking it! (Well the ultimate would have been breaking down the door and at the rate things were going that wasn’t too unlikely a possibility)

As luck would have it a friend dropped by, and then it was a series of blows on the door knob with a hammer and a screw driver, a neighbour disturbed by the hammering tried a couple of more bangs .Nothing! Another friend and some more hammering, still nada. A bit more banging from inside, the door looked like it was ready to come off its hinges, but the lock wouldn’t move.

After nearly 2 hours we gave up, and decided we’d spend the night inside the locked house (the threat of an earthquake seemed very real and I had several thoughts running through my head) and then our friend showed up with another neighbour and a huge hammer, and bang! Bang! Bang! part of the lock came hurling inside the house. Still the door wouldn’t open, and it was 5 more minutes of grunting and twisting with the pliers and tada! The door finally opened... we could breath the sweet fresh air and see the stars... Sweet sweet freedom.

That was quite an experience and I have learnt that a girl needs to add some more things to her “to do/learn/realization” list:

1. How to dismantle a lock, and fix a new one

2. How to fix a tube light

3. How to unclog a sink

4. How to unclog/fix a leaky toilet

5. How to clear a blocked shower head

6. How to paint

7. How to use a drill and hammer a wrench and a nail

8. How to replace a light switch and fix a top

9. The super powers of “ super glue”

10. You never know when you might get locked inside a house so be prepared and have your tools ready.

11. Google cannot always help you

12. The list never ends

13. Men aren’t always around ( not even the handymen)

14. We women can do it!

Eid hadhaan..rambling

2009-09-20T20:30:00.007+06:00

I grumbled to myself as I tried to type in the possible versions of how the Eid song “ Eid aee hinithunvamun” could be spelt on YouTube...I seem to be having no luck at all.. Sigh its 3:11 am and Eid has passed without me listening to the song. How disappointing! After all the song is part of Eids’ tradition and celebration!

With Roadhamas and Eid, theres always a lot of new and yours truly programs like "thiyabeefulhun ge furusathu" and "haaru dhan" , “ehadhaan”, “bai balaa” etc on TV and radio, programs which has become so much part of our Ramadhan and Eid that in a couple of decades these shows would be our Ramadhan tradition.

Now if you really think about it, it's kinda sad...I mean when we tell people about how we celebrate our Ramdhan and Eid, it would just be limited to names of game shows!! Just imagine that!

I don’t watch much of local TV, I prefer to watch shows of substance when I get some free time. I know I am a snob. (I don’t know where Seinfeld would fall in terms of that though :)). However, when I am away from home, I get this urge to be in touch with home in whatever way I can, and that’s where Dhifm and Youtube comes into picture.

I search and look for videos or for whatever snippets that’s available online. 'Ehadhaan' has always been on the list of my most watched videos, my interest in it started with a very umm unusual version of' ley kokaa laa malun', ever since I heard it, I can’t wait to see what they would come up with every year. It’s quite entertaining, especially if you watch the evolution and how the show has changed over time. But the most entertaining bit of all is the audience, have you ever seen a singing show where the audience actually sit stills and stares sombrely. Some of those looks could actually burn holes or make people drop dead!! Honestly, it’s like some dead blokes wake or funeral! And to think we are talking about a show that’s meant to be enjoyed, a show in which in most other countries people would stand up cheer /hold a lighter or a candle, you know do that sort of thing which people do normally in music shows!

People!Get up and cheer! Where is the joy??

Perhaps it’s me, and I don’t get what a music show is supposed to be about, perhaps I simply lack music etiquette! And maybe music is supposed to be enjoyed sitting down with our feets close together, and hands firmly clutched on our laps. (Oh and don’t forget the occasional mean/hateful gaze aimed at the singers they don’t like) *shrugs*

*Yawn* there I go rambling again..I’m sleepy now, still no luck with that Eid song.I guess I’d just go sleep, with my Eid celebrations incomplete L.

Eid Mubarek Everyone!

Back from my state of Wu Wei

2009-09-12T13:11:00.006+06:00

To think another bloggy birthday has come and gone and I didn’t even bother..

To look back and see I have ended in such a dramatic tone...with such a big declaration that would make one, think I have gone and conquered the world...

When in fact I have been guilty of the opposite and just glided through life, akin to a twig in a flowing river. I was waiting quietly and practicing my Wu Wei, waiting for things to manifest from the emptiness and quiet of my universe. I was dabbling in the river and simply watching the world pass by.

I could never wrap my head around certain aspects of Tao philosophy, where things come to be through non-action or “Wu wei”, things are never made or formed, they simply come to be, and they emerge from nature, even the character of a Taoist. According to Tao, I am not writing this, its just flowing out of me, I do not create it, it just flows.

“For a Taoist action begins in ‘balance’, and he or she "acts without acting" and does not rush ahead according to a "principle." They wait readying themselves, letting their deeds emerge spontaneously and naturally, actions flow naturally; as day flows from night, as the acts and words of the Taoists flow from their character. A Taoist does not make them happen; he/she quietens his nature, so that they can happen of themselves. “

I think it’s high time I stopped practicing flowing, and started swimming in a direction I want, because I have a feeling this twig isn’t going to flourish without interference. Perhaps as the Taoists go I might have simply reached my turning point or “principle of reversion”, and its time I changed and the reverse process began.

To new beginnings, metamorphosis, growth and the past...

I am not going to sit at the curb waiting for my rocket to come, I am going to go find the blue prints and make my own rocket. I will fuse into the universe and become part of it and burst into colors, not because I have simply let go, but because I want to be a part of it. I am going to swim across the river and climb the mountains and watch the flowers blossom..for I have returned from my Wu wei state

( Tao philosophy is too vast and complicated for me to sum it up here.. I have just talked about a few Tao principles I find interesting, it is in no way meant to offend anyone)

it really is alright...

2008-10-18T15:29:00.004+06:00

When I saw this poster it just reached out to me... Its dedicated to everyone out there who is hoping, searching, trying and even living their dreams. Its alright to aspire, and have it all.

Its our right to believe, to want and to have.

Waiting for my rocket to come....

2008-09-18T03:40:00.009+06:00

I sit at the curb at the end of the universe..my weight making the rim sag slightly as I wait impatiently, glancing at my watch from time to time. I stare into the hollow night, a night devoid of the disarray of stars, except for just a lone star in the north,blinking now and then to its own rhythm. A few clouds bobbed along shivering now and then as a chilly wind blew across, I looked around searching, waiting unsure of what I am seeking..

I took a deep breath and huddled as the frosty fingers of the night embraced me.I closed my eyes, resting my soul at the crook of the galaxies arm..just letting go...simply letting go...tumbling, floating, bursting into a million little pieces as I fused with the darkness.

Black, blue, gray, red and yellow, emotions of every imaginable colour washed over me tainting me as I tried to fill the void, the black hole the hollowness of the night that was me.

It was as if the night was me turned inside out, and that lone star was going to be my beacon, my saviour. But it was far so very far, almost..I extended my hand uncurling my fingers..reaching out.. to realize it was yes, almost out of reach. I slowly withdrew my hand forming a tight fist,my finger nails biting sharply into my flesh, as my face turned warm and my foolishness sank in, its colour slithering across my soul.

The haziness drifted away slowly, as the fog lifted, making me realize my saviour was in another dimension, another galaxy and what I was waiting for, was my rocket.

Yes for my rocket, for my rocket to come, so it could blast off and take me away. Away from the night, away from the hollowness, away from the whispers and the ghosts that beckoned me.

I sighed as I sat there, at the very edge of the universe.. waiting.. hoping ..waiting for my rocket to come..

waiting ..sitting..hoping.. waiting ..for my rocket to come..

...

emancipation of sorts....

2008-09-12T11:01:00.006+06:00

Thud, thud the vein at the right side of my temple kept beating furiously, the sound of blood surging through its tiny lumen roaring in my ear like the wail of the monsoon sea. So rough, so harsh, so scary , yet so powerful that with each of its beating it lifted up my heart making it flutter in my chest and banged it right across my rib cage. I felt the tide rise, frothing up slowly, inch by inch my throat closed up as if in slow motion, I clutched the table tightly my knuckles so stiff that it should have hurt, my breathing fast, like that of a dying eternity gasping for the last elixir of life. I tried to get up and run towards the window only to realize that my feet wouldn't move and they were molded in lead. I thrashed against the bench, the roar so loud that nothing else made sense anymore and it was just the sound and only the sound.

I tried to shut out the sound, the horrible ringing, a ringing which seemed to form a lattice through my veins, it kept getting louder and louder and finally I screamed and opened my eyes and set up in my bed drenched in sweat, the beating at my temple still there, but slowly able to swallow, as my fists clutching the red satin sheets relaxed and my eyes focused on the phone that was blinking away madly and ringing as if the world was on fire and I realized it has all been a dream. I pulled away the sheets and wriggled my toe, yes these were still moving and padded across the room to my lone window, I took a deep breath as I took in the world. Another glorious day with a slight chill in the air, as an old lady with a bag wobbled by clutching her grandsons hand firmly and a group of kids kept running around laughing and jumping right in to the puddles left by last night's downpour, as couples roared past in bikes leaving a trail of pungent perfume and the sun beamed down on me as if to mock me, while the soft breeze played with my hair as if we all were in a good mood, and ready to welcome the world. Ironic.

I let out a grunt and tucked my hair firmly behind my ears and shut the window, wanting to block the irony of it all, trying to ignore the hurricane of emotions that seemed to have found permanent residence in my head these days. I let out a soft sigh trying to subdue the tide as I poured myself some coffee, yelping as the white crystals scattered all over the counter, making me knock over the cup, spilling the hot water on to my thighs. Aaargh!! I grabbed some paper towels and wiped my sore thigh and pushed the cup back angrily, making it spill some more before it fell and shattered right at my feet. I felt tears of frustrations well up as I tried to gather the broken shreds of ceramic hurriedly until I saw the paper towel get soaked red and realized I was bleeding but there was no pain ,for the pain deep within my soul was so intense that I couldn't feel anything else.

It was one of those twirling dark abyss, and I was falling into it slowly, I was determined not to but somehow I seemed to be pushing myself deeper into it. It was as if time stood still once more and left me right in the middle buried half way in the murky waters of despair and the saddest thing was that I wasn't swimming anymore. I just stood very still, numb, ready to go with the tide, ready to be taken apart slowly and become nothing more than just drops of water. I heard my soul scream and protest but I ignored it and stood there going through the motions of life, smiling, laughing, crying right on cue whenever I was required to. I had years of practice and perfection has become just a habit when it came to fooling the rest of the world…

Yes, so I was a kindled spirit of Marvin (the robot), till I walked into the rest room at work yesterday, and tried to open the hand shower, and the shower head ended up in my hand, and again there was that loud roar, that horrible sound, as water spurted right out like a water fountain, drenching me from head to toe. I struggled with the shower trying to shut it off and in the process getting sprayed several times over, before I finally succeeded, and then there was silence as I walked across to the mirror and saw that there wasn't a spot on my shirt that was dry except for the back and water droplets were trinkling down my glasses, I felt tears well up once more and then I heard a sob, and then the strangest thing happened. I started laughing, and I felt my frustrations ebb away slowly , it was like my soul had cracked open and the vile pungent fumes were slowly floating away from me. I took in a deep breath smiling to myself, truly smiling to myself in days, as I once again recalled I am someone who will not let the world make me its puppet. I am someone who was here to enjoy, to make the best of life and to live. It was as if the jet of water had woken me up to myself and I smiled to myself once more glad to be me once again, glad to have battled my demons, and glad to be given another chance to harness the sound and make it music and glide with it…

Yes.. the sound.. so beautiful like music to my ears.. the sound washed over me as my heart beat in rhythm and the vein at my temple hummed in melody…

Dum spiro spero ..reinforced!

2008-08-13T13:54:00.006+06:00

After a lot of grunting and puffing, a harsh weak cry of " euwaaah euwaaah" filled up the small labour room at exactly 5:30 am on 13^thof August 2008. He came into the world flailing his fists angrily with a menace look on his face as he took in his surrounding and took his first vile breaths of this treacherous, huge, alien yet surprising sometimes beautiful and kind world. His eyes widened and his mouth formed a perfect ‘O’ before his tiny little face crumbled and turned fiery red and more cries filled up the room. It was as though he was out and ready to wake up the slumberous night and get them on their toes for his arrival.

Yes, this bundle of energy born to a complete stranger right in front of me on my birthday had immediately demanded and taken a spot in my heart.

I couldn’t help myself, and I kept smiling telling the mother that it was my birthday and wondering out loud how the baby was going to be. I told her maybe he’d turn out like me, as if it’s the most wonderful thing and I beamed at her. She gave me this weak smile winced and kept nodding. I bet she was cursing me under her breath wondering what I was so cheerful about when she was going through absolute torture.

Life can be beautiful, and life is most beautiful when u see it come to ‘life’ right infront of you and take its first breath, and open its eyes and looks around and gives out its first shrill cry announcing its arrival. Its truly miraculous to feel a small, animated bundle in your arms snuggling up, so warm, so tiny and so defenseless .You can’t help but feel a sense of protection and responsibility towards this beautiful gift of life. I held him close to me tightly and wished him all the luck and uttered a silent prayer. I will probably never see him again.

I am feeling a hint of melancholy, but such is the wheel of life, we get touched, tainted, changed and transformed by things we’d never even think about. For me that baby was the best birthday gift. That moment where, I felt all my disappointments and "brickwalls" melt away and become one with happiness, life, hope and living was an eternal gift. A beacon of hope and wanting...

Yes I remembered my shibboleth once again...

Dum spiro spero...

( I hope as long as I breathe ... )

Brida - A Novel by Paulo Coelho.. my take on it..

2008-08-08T13:03:00.003+06:00

My heart skipped a beat when I saw the golden letters glitter in the bookshops best selling books shelf.

Brida by Paulo Coelho.

The name Paulo Coelho always incites this sense of excitement in me, and I can’t help but hope this is going to be the book that will precede Alchemist and deliver me from the rest of my ignorance and rejuvenate my dormant spirit and deliver me higher.

But time and again I’ve been disappointed, but then again once you fall in love with something you are biased and you cannot help yourself but be awed and this author is one such ‘beautiful thing’ of life for me.

“No one can posses the beautiful things of this Earth, but we can know them and love them.”

And anyone who tries to posses such a thing will be forced to watch it fade away and die, like the beautiful roses on your window sill... So I try to read and know his books and like he says I can only know a good wine If I have tasted a bad one and once I find another good one I would be ready to savour and drink the whole bottle or like this book take sips of it.

Its painful yes to realize that you cannot posses what you love and want. All those of you who have been in love or has loved something and did not have your love returned will know what I am talking about. I thought the saddest thing in life was to want something with all your being and to never be able to have it.

Until.. until Brida opened my eyes.. it’s the most profound yet simplest of things. It says. “ you will never be mine, and that is why I will never lose you. Love is liberty. I will always remember you and you will remember me, just as we will remember our memories together and all the things we'll always have because we cannot possess them.”

Synthetic happiness perhaps… but whose to say that’s wrong. ( we will leave that for another post)

The book Brida is by no means anything close to Alchemist but it has struck a chord with me and the few of its phrases which are so simple yet so profound will undoubtedly be something I believe and quote for time immemorial.

I have this new found sense of being right after all as Paulo goes..

“Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong, even a stopped clock is right twice a day”

...

chicken feathers and poop..

2008-07-30T13:07:00.004+06:00

Have you ever woken up with the feeling that this was going to be another monotonous day like the countless others you’ve had and had it turn into something totally unexpected and unforgettable?

Well I did and I had just that happen to me the other day...

It was a normal day, routine rounds, usual cases of viral fever that’s been plaguing the area since time immemorial kept drifting into my room one by one. Until a man walked in, his right eye bloodshot I sat up straight sensing something different in the air and inquired. Lo and behold the poor fellows been pecked by a bird while riding his bicycle! Yes! Right inside his eye.. in his eyeballs yes the very white part of it !!!Ouch!! I ooed and aahed and sympathized and cursed the wayward birds..

I settled back again, since there was a lull and concentrated on getting some reading done, and all of a sudden there was a cacophony of voices outside my door and a man was brought in cuffed and all. And the next two hours was just excruciating, it was x rays, a butthole, poop, bullets, poop some more poop and a 2 more bullets again. Mind you these are no ordinary bullets, these are super expensive ones filled with the white stuff. Iv got my skin scrolling again.. just imagine enduring the smell the visuals and the sounds for two whole hours... Ugh!

I finally managed to calm my self down and a genial looking man walked in and set down with a sheepish smile and said I’v got a chicken feather stuck in my ear!! I pulled his ear this way and that way and peered finally locating the cursed feather stuck deep inside his ear snuggling comfortably next to his ear drum. The poor chicken feather! the heat the humidity and the confinement, after wrestling with the dud I sent the patient off.

I let out a long sigh and glanced at my watch to realize my shift was almost over and exhaled slowly and closed my eyes for a second trying to shake off the weirdness and the poopiness of the day.

Guess sometimes monotony isn’t so bad after all, but then again life's all about discovery and experiencing the unchartered , however restricted or narrow the place may be.

It was a day of body cavities and thank god for the cavities that was spared..I dare not imagine what all I might have had to pull out if the rest of the cavities had been occupied.

...

t.h.r.3.3!!!

2008-07-16T11:57:00.002+06:00

Three years and 2 days, amazing how time passes...

Like all gods creations I have been selfish to the point of neglect at times…and believe it or not it is painful for me to acknowledge this...

I do apologize, dear blog, we humans tend to take things for granted, especially when it comes to friends like you, who are unconditional and ever so compliant..

I want to take this moment to thank all of those who has ever passed by , cared enough to read it or leave a comment, letting me know I am not alone in my existence or feelings...

I pledge to be your friend and keep on posting , I cannot promise regularity but I am going to blog for a long time to come..for if I were to die tomorrow you would be my legacy...
(yes yet again a selfish thought!! sigh!!)

Corrigan's door..

2008-05-24T17:12:00.004+06:00

" To friends who help me find myself..May you all find your pink puff balls, your Corrigan’s door.."

I stretched my arms extending my fingers as much as I could, exhaling slowly mesmerized by the curling smoke clouds grazing my mouth, just before I closed my eyes, tumbling into that warm fuzzy place inside me. Yes that pink puffy one with a haze around it, its edges almost faded with a constant drizzling of glitter forever reining its presence.

I felt a smile edge its way into my being as I recalled one special night, a late night with five good friends, a steaming cup of hot chocolate with gooey marshmallows a lot of high brow talk. It was a night on which my favorite dream of becoming a fairy came true. Yes my little aluminum foil crown, glitter covered wand and purple wings with its bright sheen was enough to give me a natural high, transcending me once again to my all familiar pink puff ball. A place where I could lose myself again and again, a place where pretense and make belief was a way of life, a place where I could just be me and life could be upside down and I could be inside out.

It was a night of contemplation, a night of rebirth. A lot of things fell into perspective as the realization of our foolishness sank in, our foolishness in expecting the world to care, the world to feel and to know and understand. Yes an almighty task indeed, a selfish one too. How can we be gullible enough to think life was ours and the stage was set and we were the conductor? How could we?

But we could for I could close my eyes and I could touch my crown and flutter my wings as they were my own. I could for I was an escapist a dreamer and a brave soul. For I dare as you should to look for the rainbow where trouble melted like lemon drops, and pumpkins turned into carriages and frogs became princes.

Though it won’t be long before the clock strikes 12 and the wand stops working and the wings crumble and the aluminum looses its glitter and the pink cloud become ashes leaving me emancipated with my eyes still closed and my arms stretched awkwardly. A fool if you will, a fool who would dare to dream, to believe for life is my pink puff ball and I can be a fairy whenever I choose to and my secret door would be waiting for me

Yes with the conviction that my Corrigan’s door, my pink puff ball would revive me time and again..

Me,myself and my soap bubble..

2008-04-11T13:34:00.004+06:00

Croak! Croak! The silence of the night was breached by the orchestrated croaking of the frogs leaping amongst the grasses that reigned the night. A night filled with the intoxicating smell of the flowers that adorned my window sill and the stifling heat of the morning which just refused to dissipate.

I lay awake, somewhere between worlds, asleep but awake, alert but lost...Yes a bundle of tangled emotions hanging by a wisp of a spider’s web. Thoughts of ‘if not’s and ‘if onlys’ drifted into my mind, I braced myself, gearing up to strangle each of those leeches, one at a time, lest the venom of beratement and self doubt slithered in.

Life, as it is, where ever one maybe, cross roads, smooth sailing or harsh winds, there is always something casting its shadow, an unfulfilled desire, an unachievable goal or an unacceptable truth perhaps. But as the great ‘Sakura’ symbolizes, be it adversity or joy it will pass, for each moment and in whole life is transitory. It’s all about endurance and perception.

When it’s those raptous moments where the sun shines, and the world is infused with the aroma of happiness and joy, and the sky seems to be the limit, rarely any of us would, stop and wonder or question our fate. We are more than happy to glide along and float away till we are rudely awakened from our slumber of deceit with the sound of all calamities breaking loose.

Alas, that’s only when we open our eyes, gasping as we plunge deep into the abyss, desperately flaying about to clutch to the fringes of hope. But fall we will for life is no flat ground.

Calm down, take a deep breath, relax and Fall.

Yes, I say Fall!

But in the right way, that is with the reassurance that we will prevail, be it by sketching figures on the wall or unraveling the mysteries of life.

Yes hobble and fall…For we all have it in us the strength to get up and climb over and fly away from the pit of despair.

Its not just about making hay while the sunshine’s, its about taking a step back relaxing when the sun is not blazing. Its about turning those stormy rainy days into, fruitful fragments of our lives.

It’s about making lemonade when life hands you lemons.

Spin it, wind it, take it apart, put it together, do what you have to, for it’s a matter of perception and we posses the power to float our bubble.

Yes the power, to transcend and to escalate to the realm where, resurrection is a habit and we are the master and the bubble is our oyster.

...

Liberation..

2008-02-29T12:53:00.001+06:00

My fingertips moved over your soul etched out on your body, with colors of the rainbow seeping deep into your skin. The stories of your life lined as creases at the corner of your eyes. Your hopes curving along your mouth, and down the length of your throat as my lips traced its path. Your pain hovering under your hooded eyes, your happiness playing hide and seek with the rhythm of your eyelashes. Your pleasure raking through your soul and resounding in the silence of the universe as I diffused into you, merging into one ,drifting into oblivion as a star burnt and a silent storm brewed somewhere in the milkyway.

Abandonment, total liberation..

Have you ever dared?

Would you ever? ....

Indigo haze..and lavender

2007-12-17T04:41:00.000+06:00

I yelped and opened my eyes as something blunt and angled poked my spine, pressing right into my back, sending several short spurts of pain thru my nerve roots. I flailed my right arm trying to push away, whatever that was poking me, as my eyes adjusted to the dim light from the TV and the cacophony of some channel ( ESPN was on.. and the bloody football fans were unto their usual hooplas!!).

After a bit of grunting and shoving I turned around as I realized it was my brother’s wretched knee practicing karate chops in his sleep on my poor back!! Arrgh! He managed to completely wipe away any traces of sleep from me and sent me off into a deep abyss of thought of life and me, that is mostly me…

Life and me, two unfathomable objects I’s never quite grasped floated about in my grey matter, taking long strides, eluding me as it always did. I know who I am, I am Shanooha after all, but I still wasn’t even close to figuring out who is me. Sometimes I think I have split personalities, leading me to deviate from what and who I am supposed to be. But then I think to myself there is no particular way I am supposed to be. I am just me…and that’s that.

Perhaps something’s are never meant to be figured out. Perhaps it’s the mystery of not knowing, the innocence and bliss of ignorance, which keeps us going; you know that element of surprise. If everything was indeed laid out in the open there would be no purpose and no sense of living, because we already know the out come and there’s nothing we can do about it. It would be a wretched world with a restricted, ingrained and bound outcome, from which there is no escape or release...

I sighed and closed my eyes… as

I drifted deep into the chasm, as tufts of clouds carried me through the indigo haze with the light aroma of lavender tantalizing me, luring me into the unknown, beckoning me towards a silvery beacon. I reached out, only to realize I was the silver light, I breathed in slowly trying to capture the aroma, only to realize I was the lavender and that the indigo was me. I opened my mouth willing it to do its own magic, only to hear a silent scream ringing thru the dead of the night as the glass cracked and the light disappeared and I was left with just the lull of a strange rhythm, that was the night and the sweet fragrance of lavender.

Pain..

2007-11-30T14:21:00.001+06:00

Tight ropes bound around my heart,
A thousand needles gorge my soul
A knife slices through my being,

Am I never to be right?
Can I never do the right thing..
There’s no escape from myself

And as long as I am me...

All I can be is a...
a shattered being merely holding together ..
a million pieces which doesn’t fit together..
a second which doesn’t exist ..
a forsaken soul..
a doomed soul

Welcome home..

2007-10-21T04:55:00.000+06:00

26th day home

16th day of fever

Status: confined to home

Activity: almost none

Mood: calm to frustrated.

Cause of fever: First Viral, then dengue and now unknown still undergoing investigations

Emotions: Grrrr!!!!! * pulls at my hair*

Rants: I thought I’d come back relax hang out for two weeks before starting work, but looks like the only sort of enjoying and hanging out I do is with my bed and the loo ofcoz, I forgot to mention about the vomiting the diarrhoea..and bouts of coughing..Oh well I guess coming back after 6 yrs.. this is the only way to be truly welcomed home :) ..

NO TO TERRORISM! DON'T TOUCH OUR MALDIVES!

2007-10-04T14:36:00.000+06:00

We don't want terrorists and terrorism in our Maldives!

Join the cyber-protest by Maldivian bloggers.

S.C.U.M

2007-09-11T01:03:00.000+06:00

Amidst a blue berry swirl, chocolate almond praline and banana caramel, our conversation drifted on to the immortal topic of (some) men and their ( ahem ) not so palatable , over compensated, evolutionarily retarded souls.

Yes on to the sticky topic of men who are nothing more than scum! Yes! Simply scum! Scum! Scum! Scum!

Breathe... Breathe! Sorry about that. The scum do infiltrate my alveoli from time to time... Sigh... the nasty buggers!

Now on to an objective analysis of ‘the scum’… (Equivalent to 75.23% of the ‘available’ male population). The way we see it, there are different types and levels of scum, each one with a whole different classification, stratified into innumerous levels and categories.

The scum turned friend scum:

This is one of the nastiest, most adherent, infiltrating type of scum, which simply cannot be sprayed or scraped off with anti-scum spray. Infact they are so stubborn that even the harshest of stain removals surrender and put their arms down in failure and shame!

They are like the treacherous witch in Hansel and Gretel who lures us with the chocolate covered cookies of trust, confidence and unconditional love. Puffs of cotton candies full of security, happiness and exuberance which makes us bare our souls and stand butt naked. Vulnerable, ready and willing to go around in the merry go round of fabrication. But in an instant we are pushed towards the pot of boiling water. The bubbling water of treachery, fused with venom, which scalds our skin away as, we awaken from our slumber of disillusion to be left with a permanent scar. A constant reminder of how bad our judgment was and how nasty this scum is.

The pseud0-man scum:

This is a moderate version of scum, which will not go away with anti scum spray but a good scrubbing with the harshest of stain removal never fails to do the job. Be warned though, this scum’s known to leave a bitter after taste in your mouth.

This is the slow boat ride with Prince Eric and Little Mermaid as fireflies fluttered around and fishes squirted water in unison to Sebastian’s Kisshhh the gurll. Sigh! The perfect world, the perfect man, where nothing could ever come between you and your one true love. Stop! Nothing except an equivalent of Ursula the sea witch, who’d give one look at your prince charming and he’d be wagging his tail like old Bruno. Yet once again, stomping on our trust and emotions as they leave us hanging by a twig, from which a fine line of scum trickles down.

We must not forget the chest thumping, beer gulping, mirror worshipping half witted equivalent of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, who thinks he’s gods gift to women. They are flashy, manipulative and the word ‘no' simply doesn’t filtrate through their cemented skulls.

The one night wonder scum:

This is a milder less vigilant version of scum, which simply needs to be sprayed off with a good quality anti-scum spray. But until and unless we find such a spray they seem to play their part quite well, tarnishing our self esteem and confidence.

It’s like a walk along the path to Little Red’s grandma’s house, and you bump into the big nasty wolf. With his suave moves you can’t help yourself but be tempted, especially when he dresses up as the kindly old grandma full of sugar and spice, making you shed your inhibitions. (no this is not some freak lesbian pseudo porn act) But as soon as you get closer he pounces on you and then leaves without so much as a call. Thrashing your confidence to shreds and stripping away your self esteem as you are once more bathed in scum.

Yes it all about scum! Big scum! Small scum! Tall scum! Circular scum! Shapeless scum!

It’s a scum of a world, but a truck full of scum could hardly shred and tatter our souls. For we are women of the world and as the alien ant goes.. ‘We will survive!’

Disclaimer : This is the collective experiences of the blue berry, chocolate almond and banana caramel and does resemble living characters and is purely non-fictional and non-coincidental.

Hail the umbrellas!

2007-08-26T13:56:00.000+06:00

It was an ordinary day, a dull day, the sky was its usual shade, there were no particularly awe striking cloud patterns nor was there a lonely monkey dangling off a power line. It was just a normal day and there was nothing remarkable about it.

I was walking home from college with one of my friends, like I always do, my bag on my shoulder, an umbrella in one hand and my jeans rolled up a bit, so that it didn't get soiled from the dog and cow poop and the dead and rotting crows and rats intestines and the innumerous spit pools on the side walk.

A guy walked past us, a measly guy, a totally unremarkable human being and he turns around and stares at us rudely, looking us up and down without any hesitation or decency. We ignore him, and he keeps turning and continuously staring at us after every three or four steps. We glared at him pointedly, but he didn't take the hint.

Mind you this is a place where staring is the norm, especially if you are different and I stick out like a sore thumb. I tower over most of the girls and I am a plus sized girl (god forbid you see something like that! ) and I have curly hair, (it has to be straight or re-bonded hair!!) and my sense of fashion is somewhat off the 'normal' scale too. I might as well have 'weirdo or freak show' tattooed over my forehead.

Now keeping that little bit of information in mind, this staring was nothing out of the ordinary, it fit in right with the days theme of being totally unremarkable. But we've had enough of an unremarkable day and we decided to turn the tables around and harass the guy a bit if he turned around once more. Between the two of us we could have taken him down in a minute or two. (I could have taken him down alone in 5 :D )

Lo and behold he turned around again, and we put on our meanest faces and stared right back, he turned away hurriedly and we both started saying 'psst', he quickened his steps, but I guess he couldn't help himself and he turned around once more and we both raised our umbrellas and quickened our steps, as though we were ready to run after him. He started walking faster, breaking into a slight run and we burst out laughing as he disappeared around the corner without another backward glance.

Yay!

I felt good, we felt good, we've done something we wouldn't do normally, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

Hail the umbrellas!

We both walked on with a smile, suddenly the sky looked bluer and I could have sworn there was a fluffy dolphin high in the sky..I guess the day wasn't so ordinary after all, it wasn't dull at all. Infact it was a remarkable day!!

Quite a remarkable day! :)

The object of my lust..

2007-08-20T10:19:00.000+06:00

This post is dedicated to a friend of mine with a very special butterfly..a butterfly that is old,used and barely funcional!

Warning! Reading this post might (most definitely will!) bring about a certain sense of nausea and several trips to the loo. If this happens don't panic! Its just normal.But if you do not experience any of these symptoms you are most probably a fixture of Mr.Butterflies world and hence a component of the improbability drive.Which quite frankly and simply mean you have terrible taste!!

Consider yourselves warned!!!

At first it was a mere speck in the distance, just a pink haze, slowly it moved closer and closer and she held her breath in anticipation, afraid to move a single fibre of her being, incase it all disappeared in to the throngs of nothingness.

This was the moment she has been waiting for,’the object of her lust’ was finally infront of her, in flesh and blood.

She stared in awe as he stepped out of his pink tuft,wearing nothing but a tutu and a smile.His wings fluttered in excitement sprinkling pixie dust into the midst of the night and all over his fine mustache and small pouch of a belly and his pink ballerina shoes.

He shook his shoulders and flicked his hair and beamed , giving her that heart warming smile.

She was lost, lost forever, floating high above the white tufts, and there were ribbons all around them.Ribbons of gold, black and red, twirling around their intertwined bodies as they soared into the ethereal world.The cherubs with their harps couldn't make her take her eyes off him, the lightening bolts and bells couldn't jolt her.For she was sinking into the quicksand of flesh and lust. She was his. Body,soul and mind. (Especially body, especially when dressed in a certain way, especially with her foxy hair style!)

He smiled and she became a million petals, washing all over him, gently slowly, engulfing him in her fragrance.He touched her and she was a bunch of peacock feathers, blue,green and gold, humming in unison, swaying to the music of lust.

He whispered her name and her eyes snapped open and she tightened her fingers around his and he said ‘You are the object of my lust,the fire of my loins!' and she became the stars, the universe, the galaxy all fused into one, she melted she evaporated and then she transcended down.

Her feet touched that strip of red ribbon, she looked at him, he looked at her, and they sighed.. their grips tightened and they looked into the horizon,together, as one.. and they started trotting , trotting over the hills the seas and the deserts, toward the immortal rainbow. Towards the colors of lust.

She was in heaven, for he was the elixir of life ,the pinnacle of her nirvana and the object of her lust.

Two years wiser, sillier and totally unreasonable!

2007-07-15T04:01:00.000+06:00

Fifty one posts, two templates, dozens of heartbreaks, buckets of ecstatic moments and zillions of dull days without even a whisper of creativity and Two years and one day later ..

We still prevail...
We still believe
We still hope..
We still exist.

My blog and me.

Dum spiro spero

Yelp! Squash!!

2007-07-06T07:47:00.000+06:00

Its a dark night. Its a simple night, an uncomplicated night, a night like any other night. Thoughts floating through my mind, bits of feelings coursing through my veins, snippets of conversation browsing my soul as I sit back content happy uncomplicated and stare into the distance. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I start seeing silhouettes, I hear a wail in the distance as the trees begin to whisper and the rain starts to play a melody.I open the window a bit and the chill floats inside surrounding me as the smell of freshly thrashed grass and earth embrace me.

I notice a squad of ants marching up my window sill, proud brave fearless and unhindered by cosmic conspiracies.I watch them scurry around with no inclination of squashing or brushing them away.And a snippet of conversation latched on to me, a conversation about the unwelcome ants u find scuttling on your arm giving u a sense of invasion , and the occasional ones that would bite and make you yelp and about how you would hurriedly squash every single one of them instead of looking for the one which actually bit you.

As the ants huffed and puffed around my candle holder thoughts twirled around the simple analogy my friend used to describe relationships.About how he's brushed away all the ants instead of just killing the one that bit him. About how he'd rather banish all just because of one cruel ant, about how he would deny himself the pleasure of the ants tantric moves and the hypnotic chants..just because

The reasoning didn't sit well with me,I was not happy, not happy about the discrimination and I had to voice my concerns and fight for the ants rights.I cannot let such an injustice be committed.I will not let such anarchy be practiced with my knowledge.

Ouch! stupid ant. Slap! and I'd killed the whole row of ants.Oh crap..I 'd done exactly the same thing he's guilty of.I'd killed the whole army just because of one senseless ant.

Shame on me!

Sigh.. I should really start instilling the habit of looking for the ant that actually bit me and get rid of just that one.But I cant seem to, I am just as guilty as he is, when it comes to rows of ants..when it comes to opening myself, when it comes to...

Oh well..

I closed my window and crawled into bed and switched off my monitor plunging the room into darkness, and I slipped into the pitch black night, into the darkness, a darkness like the one that surrounds me when I am spiraling down endlessly in my dreams...the darkness of oblivion..

man down..woman down.. connection down..

2007-06-30T21:46:00.001+06:00

alert..beep beep connection down.. down..dowwnnn...

Ray of sunshine..

2007-06-19T23:56:00.000+06:00

Life's strange, its a paradox, its something I cannot define and I am not sure about a lot of things in my life.But one thing I am sure of are people who are dear to me.The family I was blessed with and the family I chose for myself. The best bits of life indeed..

And one rainy day, when the skies were angry, the rain fierce and the thunder and lightening furious, a ray of sunshine chose to brave it all and touch me.Its warmth spread through my veins making my soul glow and shine.

It was my pillar of strength, my universe of hope.

My ray of sunshine..

" "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance.They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts And we are never, ever the same."

This is to you, Shanu, to remind you that you are loved and cared for, and that you will get through this with the ease and calmness that you so effortlessly put in all that you do.

Have faith in yourself and in God and all will be well.
You will be in our prayers .... and keep on singing 'dum spiro spero'

Will miss you faisal and ameera "

The sky calmed down and the rain fled as the thunder and lightening crawled back and the sun shone proudly and majestically once more..

I was fine again, for I know my ray of sunshine's always with me.. as I am always with them.

I believe I've been blessed with the rarest of the rare, the most precious of all, a true friendship.

I've been blessed with a ray of sunshine.

My ray of sunshine...

I've tried to frame a message of my own around a message from a friend to let them know how much they mean to me.I cannot even begin to express what I feel ,words have simply failed me. I know it sounds very cliche.. but it is true! This particular message is something that I want to preserve for a long long time.. it is one of my most coveted possessions. .something that got me through the darkest time of my life and something I believe will continue to be my ray of sunshine.

Thank you Kyan,Amyra and Faisal..I love you and I will miss you all a lot.. I know! I simply suck at goodbyes.

I the dot.

2007-06-06T13:55:00.000+06:00

I stood on the ledge of the world today, looking down at the vast emptiness.It was as if my soul was spread out before me, a vacuum, a black hole, a bottomless drop.Wasn't a pretty site I tell you..I looked further and then I saw a star shining.. burning brightly in the distance..I reached out to it, my fingers stretched as far as i could but I couldn't touch it. It was in another galaxy, another dimension, another time.

I cried in anguish and frustration, and stamped my feet in a huff and screamed.It was a heart wrenching scream, it bounced back washing over me.I felt the pain the ache and anger in it and I felt tears sting my eyes and a cold hand clutch at my heart. Squeezing the life out of me, the pressure was so intense the pain so raw, all I wanted to do was to tear my heart and soul and throw it out. I wanted to disappear.I wanted to go numb.I wanted to feel nothing.I wanted to be that empty space.

But alas, I couldn't.

I would never.

Because I wont give up.I wouldn't give in.

I couldn't. It justwasn't in me to quit.

I closed my eyes and turned my face towards the light, I breathed in letting the light enter me letting the warmth engulf me.I opened my eyes, a sense of calm settling in as i looked at the vacuum, I started seeing more and more sparkling spots, I could have sworn I saw a shooting star as well. I saw a phoenix soaring high.I turned around following its path I reached out once more.

This time I took my feet off the ledge, tumbling into the dark space, freewheeling , I felt the wind in my hair and face, I smelt the sweet smell of roses all around me I saw petals falling along side me. Bright red, pink, yellow and even an occasional black petal.I spread my hands catching them in my palm and I felt something crack inside me, I felt a thousand tendrils growing within my soul, I saw my body turn into a kaleidoscope of colors. I let go and closed my eyes, falling further and further.. becoming a mere dot in the vastness.

A brightly burning sweet smelling dot.

A dot full of hope and aspirations.

A dot ready to put it all behind and start living.

The dot of life.

..... simply becoming .... I the dot.