"...queria um chà, alstublieft..."

tea time: 5pm sharp

2008-10-15T07:28:00.004+01:00

Sem despedidas. A ultima vez que nos vimos foi ha um mes, e para mim foi so a ultima antes da proxima. Nao interessa quanto tempo separa esses dois momentos. Nao quero saber.

Remember "we'll always have Paris". That Paris won't be a place, but a time, the one of our favourite ritual, one small thing among the list of small things, songs, books, pictures, and moments we collect.

Meanwhile think that at least for a few months we wont be growing appart, but walking towards the same element. By December, close to our birthdays, we'll be bathing in the same waters.

I've been having tea, where it grows, searching for the best one. And I'll keep on doing it untill the day you just drop by and we have another cup toghether.

Love,

DARJEELING

time to let go of this story

2008-09-28T13:32:00.002+01:00

All of these lines across my face, tell you the story of who I am, so many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am, but these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to... it's true... I was made for you.
I climbed across the mountain tops, swam all across the ocean blue, I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules, but baby I broke them all for you, because even when I was flat broke you made me feel like a million bucks, yeah you do and I was made for you.
You see the smile that's on my mouth is hiding the words that don't come out and all of my friends who think that I'm blessed, they don't know my head is a mess no, they don't know who I really am and they don't know what I've been through like you do and I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face, tell you the story of who I am, so many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am, but these stories don't mean anything, when you've got no one to tell them to... it's true... I was made for you
The Story Brandi Carlile

with this song i let go of this blog... DARGELING has left for asia for the 4 month long honeymoon, she is living a dream and on her way to another big one. "i'll be back soon" she said but i won't... so because now each one of us is following a different path, the distances are so much further from our imagination, we will go our separate ways. this blog, or this letter box that we loved to through things in will always be here, maybe one day it'll be a book to keep by our beds, it will always be open and ready for anytime we want to reopen it to remember and relive special moments.
we thought about doing this together because i was moving to Antwerp, and just like my phone was stolen on my last day there, this blog finishes for me also as another adventure is about to happen.

she will probably be sharing her adventure through the asian continent in a new blog, a new book, and i know we all hope she'll let us know soon where exactly... but in the meanwhile i'll be flying away on one way to africa

twice as difficult

2008-09-22T23:41:00.001+01:00

when we, A.T. and I did our "goodbye drink" in Antwerp we knew it'd be hard, we knew we had made ourselves go through something we could never control. we knew we'd laugh but cry at the sight of people leaving. we knew we'd have gifts to open but still be so surprised as we ripped the paper away... we knew it'd hurt but not that much...
what if we had to do it again? would it still have that effect?

i did... i said goodbye to the most important people to me in Antwerp again, twice... and twice as difficult.
four days of excitement filled with usual things, the jokes were ours and the gossip also. the looks, the quirks, the tastes, everything seemed just as normal as it was...
but the city was different. this time, it was my city, it was my home... Lisbon. i hope i showed them exactly how i live here, exactly what makes me ME here. i know there as still a thounsand things to show, a million things to see and so much more to say, but even knowing that there would be a second goodbye, we did it, we were together again and that is so much better than anything else. saying "see ya" twice was twice as hard but twice as special.

so, gorgeous girl, thank you, thank you for saying "i will miss you miss portugal" because that is what keeps me going.

another countdown

2008-09-16T18:27:00.000+01:00

(30 days) and an apology to SOMEONE who has been having boring days at work because i haven't written here on this blog. hopefully what i will say here today will lighten up your day... or worse.

i spent 1 week just laying down on the couch pretending there was nothing else in the world except the most wonderful channel FOX LIFE, pretending i actually took the problems in UGLY BETTY's world seriously... maybe if it was GREY's world i'd probably wouldn't know the difference. anyway the couch worked for just about 8 days and then i took off. i'm telling ya, the more i stay out of here the more i will need to be alone, so i left the house of FOX LIFE and the house with the pool and crawled into my little nest, where silence is key and alone time is prime time!

just about... if you add to the quiet time a bunch of mails and phone calls i have been having to write or call in order to just UNDERSTAND what the heck i have to do to get everything ready to fly away, then i guess i have to find my silence in the toilet! my skype phone has never been so useful and the most professional tool i ever had. if it could only be so simple and reduced to ONE phone call, i swear it'd be nicer, but nooooooo every time i call someone the info changes or adapts according to the mood. and schedules? ah let me tell you something people... did you know embassies are only open to the public 4 hours a day???? maybe only the one i need, but still 4 hours??? are you kidding? if you can't get stuff done until 13:00 you have to do it tomorrow, all over again. !"

!"#$%&%$#"! my point exactly.

there was a high point in this mess, i had to go get my CRIMINAL RECORD, yup... i had to ask for my legal life to be handed out to me. strange how even if i KNOW i'm a good person and have committed no crime i still felt a bit shy asking for one.
"can i have my criminal record please... today?"
"it depends, have you ever committed a crime?"
"no ma'am, never"
"well... we'll see"
"...ok... sorry for interrupting you day here all alone"
after 2 minutes... it figures
"well, here you go, apparently you were right (she was surprised!) it's €3.00"
"does this mean if i had comitted a crime i'd pay more??? eheheheh ahaahahha" i made a joke!
"goodbye"

so crime pays or not? i should rethink this whole being good thing...

just in case you missed it... it's my 6th anniversary of me leaving home for the first time. my my my... back in 2002!

last sunday without you

2008-09-07T10:06:00.001+01:00

: )

posted by darjeeling

last saturday in a'pen

2008-09-06T23:56:00.000+01:00

now... this was the ultimate horrible last day, this was it... the last 24hours, the last moments of such a wonderful time. i didn't wake up with this feeling, of the last moment... i woke up with Rosie next to me smiling, and grabing my nose and talking her own language, and it was so nice to wake up to such a beautiful face, our girls' night sleepover was almost over, only a breakfast away.

breakfast at the REVISTA was the moment when i realized it, if i leave this place now and go home to catch a few hours of sleep, it would be the end, but i couldn't keep my eyes open and if i wanted my "goodbye drink" to go smoothly i had to turn off my mind, sleep and wake up again to enjoy this saturday.

it's hard to explain how i felt when i arrived at the CARGO BAR, because i knew i'd see a lot of people that would celebrate with us our new adventure, wish us their best and send us off to africa, but my goodness, i had no idea how many tears i had in me and how hard it would be to hug my friends and say "goodbye"
i know, you'll tell me "you'll see them again", or "we're in 2008, you have email, facebook and skype", or even "you can get on a plane anytime", which are all valid assumptions, only i hate flying so i don't think flying anytime i feel like will at all be possible, but still you're right. but sorry if i ask, what will i do when i wake up on sundays and need a "koffie verkeerd" or just a complete breakfast? what do i do on thursday evenings? who is going to call me on fridays? and how do you deal with a boring afternoon at work and a craving for great coffee?
who will save me from work, home, or even from A.T.?

funny thing is, i know i will manage it, i know by this time next year so much water will have run under the bridge, so many things will have happened, so many feelings and fears overcome, and those wonderful people who i take with me to Maputo will be ready anytime to hear me, to see me, to let me in their lives just as much as i will let them into mine. they gave me so much that i know i will always be grateful, i will always cherish them... i will always take them with me.

i left that goodbye drink with a very empty feeling inside me, as if i'd given away my tears, heart and soul, the empty feeling almost felt good in a way because i had given myself to everyone who said goodbye. i also felt my purse a bit more empty... a groupd of idiots stole my phone just before midnight... funny enough is that they stole it just before i left Belgium which basically means they made my number dissapear the moment i didn't need it anymore. i didn't get upset, i liked the coincidence about it... there was just one detail that made me a bit sad the next morning: they stole the phone with the coolest ring i ever had, the SEX AND THE CITY ringtone!

and so just like that... i left Antwerp.

last friday in a'pen

2008-09-05T23:43:00.000+01:00

waking up knowing it's my last friday here was too much for me so i woke up A.T. and decided that maybe just today we could some of our rituals together just before we left. i got so used to having this really nice life independently from him i forgot how wonderful those moments we had together here were.
we rode our bikes to the center and looked at the GROBET window and analized every single camera for sale, the new and the used and especially the one he's like and the one i dream of. lunch at DANSING CHOCOLA couldn't have been skipped, with that juicy hamburger just like we remembered, we only skipped the coffee there because after three years the thing we know about CHOCOLA is that the coffee just basically sucks there!

normally on fridays we didn't see eachother, i'd leave for work leaving him sleeping and he'd only come back already saturday dawn while i was already in my 3 sleep, so having to say goodbye in the afternoon and say "tot morgen" wasn't strange at all.

he went his way to dinner, i went my way to my last sleepover-girls-night, which basically means there is no hour to go home, just a moment when you finally stop talking, stop laughing at SATC episodes and turn around to sleep (this part i know not much about because i don't think i slept... eventhough i heard i snored!), anyway... a wonderful friday to finish off this wonderful week.

last thursday in a'pen

2008-09-04T23:54:00.000+01:00

what's a thursday in antwerpen without "Grey's Anatomy", apple crumble and girl's night?
another non tipical day.

last wednesday in a'pen

2008-09-03T23:52:00.001+01:00

what can a wednesday spent between lunch with ex-coleagues, biking in the rain, drinking coffee after work hours at Pacificaciestraat and dinner out with A.T. and other friends have to do with a tipical wednesday?

just about everything.
and more... happy 5th anniversary to me and A.T.

(and happy birthday to A.T.'s nephew Fabio, who also turns 5 today!)

last tuesday in a'pen

2008-09-02T23:41:00.001+01:00

...i'm starting to think there is no point to this "last day in a'pen" list, because not even today was a tipical tuesday here. i usually spend the afternoon of tuesday wishing it's wednesday so it feels like we're already in the middle of the week. usually it's an insignificant day of the week, because it's all about work and there was nothing ever on tv in a'pen on tuesdays.

so actually if i think about it was a very exciting tuesday this one, if only it wasn't so sad.
we gave, believe me i wanted to throw it in the river, our house keys to the next guy who's going to live there. he's an economy major with a too overdone british accent... and he would've never understood the calendar on the wall... A.T. and I felt it... we gave our house to a geek!

a few things were packed in a car and we moved into Luca's place with our last stuff. a few tears came falling down and we took our last fotos there... it's over.
it was over on this last tuesday of a'pen

SUB POST: eighth step to the future:
we moved out and a geek moved in

last monday in a'pen

2008-09-01T23:42:00.001+01:00

so by no means this was a tipical monday, so in reality my last monday in A'pen was a very long time ago... nonetheless i felt it being the last time i'd say "it's monday" here.
i didn't have to go to work, so no monday-morning-blues
i had to pack everything, so no time to shop and drink coffees
i had to be alone in an empty cold appartment, so not exactly my great single-gal-night

i cried, and not because of the rain
i thought a lot, which proves it's not a tipical monday in antwerpen... but still the last.
all that we left in our sint. antoniusstraat 14/3rd floor app. were our clothes. after selling all our stuff the strengh of dealing with our clothes was just too overwhelming, so we're crashing at Luca's place waiting for night time, eating junk food (doesn't fat food feel so good when you're tired?) and remembering all sorts of ridiculous things.

not at all a normal monday

SUB POST: seventh step to the future:
selling all our stuff

last sunday in a'pen

2008-08-31T23:50:00.001+01:00

i am not a believer in last moments, i like countdowns, i like anniversaries, or monthaversaries, i like birthdays and special moments. i hold on to memories far more than other people do because i believe that remembering always makes you understand better who you are.
but last moments, the idea you're doing something for the last time, makes me shiver. as if the thought of eating my last belgian frietjes wasn't enough, today i really felt it... this is my last week here, probably foerever... and i almost had to hold myself up thinking that today is sunday... i should repeat all my rituals this week, on the exact day i used to do them. by doing so i will be sure to remember them even more, and to understand exactly what makes me ME here in this city.

and with this i only had one thing to do after i regained my balance at 10a.m. on this beautiful sunday morning... breakfast with the REVISTA boys!
now, for those who lack information, the REVISTA BOYS aren't a band and i'm sure they are not aware i have breakfast with them... i just sit and watch what the boys that own the cafe REVISTA do. i'm never alone when i do this of course, my partner in this crime also enjoys it!
this ritual includes about a hour's worth of good gossip, strange how it comes to us best on sunday mornings! lots of stories and an amazing and detailed observation of whoever crosses our path.

of course we can't keep the breakfast mood for the whole day so we stroll down the streets to always find a cosy home maybe with a soup pot waiting to warm us (even though it's hot here) and keep the good conversation going.
this was only interrupted when i had to go back to my empty and creepy echooing appartment to sell some furniture, but notheless it was still sunday, so like many of those cold, rainy and unwelcoming sundays i cooked myself a single's dinner, got some individual ice cream and a few gummy bears, rented 2 movies and made myself "at home" on my couch... needless to say, the movies echoed all around me and even though it was just funny stay-at-home-mood-movies, every laugh sounded scary...

and just like that my last sunday in antwer'pen was over... and it felt so relaxing, sad for sure, but so familiar. will all the last days be like this?

sixth step to the future

2008-08-27T10:59:00.002+01:00

repainting over three years of our calendar

fifth step to the future

2008-08-22T19:40:00.002+01:00

the moving company takes away our stuff

fourth step to the future

2008-08-19T13:00:00.000+01:00

both of us flying back to Antwerp

because i survive on countdowns

2008-08-13T08:56:00.003+01:00

there are only 8 days left for me to sit at REVISTA with a koffie verkeerd in my hand and enjoying 5 weeks worth of gossip!

start remembering, i'll start packing!

15.10.2008

2008-08-08T09:00:00.000+01:00

what a strange combination of numbers to leave for Mozambique.

third step to the future

2008-08-07T20:00:00.000+01:00

my parents meeting his parents...

second step to the future

2008-08-03T10:00:00.000+01:00

A.T. flying to Lisbon to meet me

20 days 'til my next crumble

2008-08-01T18:14:00.002+01:00

yesterday was thursday

yesterday i had 5 friends and a 8month old Madalena over for dinner... Codfish Soufflê

yesterday i missed my girl's nights in Antwerp

yesterday i made my apple crumble... and i missed Antwerp even more

yesterday i laughed, gossiped, criticized, cheered, cooked, cleaned, drank and told lots of stories.

this... this is what thursday should always be like, even if without "grey's anatomy". you just can't stop traditions.

29.07.2005 - 29.07.2008

2008-07-29T23:08:00.001+01:00

A.T. called me tonight telling me that being in Antwerp amongst all those boxes of clothes and books, of our life was killing him, he said "it was bound to happen, i still hadn't realized that we're actually doing this" as i listened to him i noticed that i had never realized that this must be as hard for him as it is for me. he's always so together, everything is always so well, give 'im a beer and he'll get through it.

but how can any of the two of us get through this "just like that" when today is the 3rd year anniversary of the day we started something new together? how can we get past this day and not shed a tear, or panic, or remember, or even just think about what we've already been through, or imagine what will be next?

i remember so many things. i remember that first night when we arrived when it rained like there wouldn't be a tomorrow, how the thunder roared, how dark it was. i remember sleeping that first night on the floor of our living room, realizing that the window was so big i thought i was sleeping outside, i remember waking up and opening my eyes and seeing that horrible fireplace and thinking i had to cover it one day (that's how the search ended when i found a great window to put in front of it), realizing we still had so much to do in that small appartment. i remember 8days of non stop labour of painting, scrubbing, putting furniture together, cleaning and finally sitting down in our couch, looking at our masterpiece "the calendar" and realizing both of us "this is our home now"
for 3 years we added on to that white canvas, it was a continuous work, but it was a work of love. to me i'm sure worked as herapy, i was upset a lot about the bad weather, the cold almost made me deaf, but that appartment kept me going. everything i bought or made for it, made me realize the best thing of moving is being able to put your personality in everything you do. i'm sure people walked in and saw me and him in those colors, on those walls, on small details such as chairs, flowers, kitchen utensils, objects, anything really. i'm sure we were both present in that "home" even if we were out.

it is a shame that the friends we have in Lisbon or Milan didn't get to see this part of "us". they didn't see us as we are now, they saw us either individually or together but in situations that helped us get to where we are now... and that is the reason why i know Antwerp will always be better. it isn't a competition, it's just a fact. we had the liberty of chosing any city in any country to live in, and together we choose Antwerp, and it had nothing to do with the health system, or the salaries, or of course the weather... it just was. and i'm sure any other city would have given us as much pleasure and happiness, but because of our choices, Antwerp is now our "special place, our home" and that will always be with us.
so, my loving A.T., that is why it couldn't have happened any other day than today. we couldn't have chosen another day if we wanted than this one.
the anniversary of the day we chose ANTWERPEN.

sofia_antónio 26.07.2008

2008-07-27T15:40:00.001+01:00

so they're married, on their way to asia on their apparently very busy honeymoon...
the wedding couldn't have been sweeter. she looked so relaxed, so happy without being too much, almost as if this was what she just had to do today amongst all other things.
he also looked so happy, so in love but so himself, when asked "how was it?" he answered "it was cute!" like he had also been this happy for a long time.

my manicurist said to me while painting my nails in hot purple "people nowadays get married knowing that they can always get divorced", she doesn't know Sofia and Antonio, she has never seen them together. she has no idea how serene they are and how at the same time happy and loving. they will definitely stay together forever. he will always take care of her, and she will always keep him smiling. that's our Sofia...

changing to gossip now, our "wedding group" was so well dressed, mind you we never dress badly!!!! yellows and reds by Miss Ritinha, green bluish by Miss Celia, flowers by Miss Luisa, purples and grays by Miss Catia and last but not least HOT PINK by Miss Portugal! of course i will send photos to those who are dying to see me in my beautiful candy dress!!! ;)

i had a great time and i'm sure we will remember this forever... i'm sure they will keep surprising us but making us like always feel part of their lives. and kids, by the way... we want nieces and nephews, one for each of the future Godmothers!!!

may this last forever...

1 week and a few days... by myself

2008-07-24T19:22:00.004+01:00

it's been 24hours that i packed my bags and picked myself up and said "i need to leave... i need to breathe". these last 6 years have taught me so much about myself and this last week almost ruined the positive effect those 6 years left on me. so the result of 8 shity days was exactly this... me, myself and i in my cosy little appartment in the centre of Lisbon with just my things.

i can see the river from my window, just a bit, just enough... but i know it's there, right around the corner. i feel it in the light that flows through the window, i smell it in the air that blows the curtains. it's there. it's here.

the morning is filled with the city noise, no more of the noise of people yelling, getting angry and saying things i hope they'll regret. here it's the birds and the children from the school next door i hear. they wake up early it's true!!!
the closest are empty, holding just a few of my things. the kitchen has just a few of my favorite snacks, and my favorite diet foods... and ice cream!! 'cause you gotta have ice cream.

i have already walked up and down these hills and felt the sun warming up, used the bus, the tram, have enjoying just being here. discovered new bookshops (also made lists of what i'd like to use in mine), new coffee places, i'm still thinking of where it's best to go for breakfast, but i'm having a hard time with it... i just to try every single place and then decide.

i went to the notary to get my signature recognized in the documents i need to send to the Ministry of Work in Maputo. I'm really doing this. Next week i send everything... including the contract! SIGNED!
ui...

in the meantime, i have hills to climb and coffees to drink... and a wedding to get ready for saturday. this time i'm wearing: fucsia dress, purple shoes, violet belt and violet bag... it'll be very nice to see another friend, Sofia getting what she wants and deserves... happiness.
and i deserve a night out with the girls.

but tonight's thursday. it's also a night to party in lisbon, so i need to take a shower and get dressed (i'm in my bikini because it's so hot!) and get going...
i'm back

1 week... gone

2008-07-19T15:43:00.000+01:00

this week was the biggest emotional rollercoaster. you'd think because i'm leaving Antwerp and moving to Mozambique being here would have some meaning. It would somehow make sense.
not really... actually, none at all.

Lisbon has nothing to do with it. Family has everything. From being considered obese to having my dreams crushed everything has happened, and all because i have been very far away where poeple don't judge, where people let me be. The hardest part of leaving to anywhere... is letting others interfere. They don't say "you can't go" but they can say "for what?" not realizing who we are anymore.

6 years have given me everything i thought i had and didn't and everything that makes me happy. this is just a place.... just like any other. And Lisbon will be my place soon, but as long as they don't see it, this isn't IT.

first step to the future

2008-07-13T10:00:00.000+01:00

fly home to lisbon