little house

2009-10-07T08:41:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where this picture came from!

I was looking through my most recent folder of pictures, and found this picture I've never seen before. Strange. And I know for sure , because of that chair, that this picture was taken in mid-April at the latest, before we moved into our house from the bunkhouse.

When I saw this as a thumbnail, I really couldn't tell if it was S.A.M. or Benefactor. Button up white shirt would be S.A.M.'s , but the haircut looked oh so Benefactor. The vivid freckles? S.A.M. The expression? More like Benefactor.

I never saw, before this picture, how much these two brothers look alike!

2009-10-06T08:06:00.000-07:00

We had a giant wind storm all of Conference Sunday. Now there's no missing that it's Fall. Leaves fell. Apples fell. Temperatures fell. And half of a Cottonwood fell.

2009-10-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things go wrong. We've all had those times when we've felt like we must be walking around with some kind of target on our back inviting universal forces to teach us a lesson we won't soon forget. Right? Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes.

The last couple of months could have felt that way. There have been heaping helpings of hard moments over here. But there has been something so real and tangible standing between me and overwhelming despair.

I know Heavenly Father loves me.

Me, a stay-at-home mom. Me, a housewife. Me, with no career, no college degree, no salable skill. Me, of imperfect faith, and even less perfect obedience. Me, who takes for granted the many blessings He has showered on me and my family.

I know Heavenly Father loves me because His children here on earth, my spirit siblings, have made sure I know it. They have served and supported me.

I was talking to my lovely cousin-in-law Cody in the Springtime. She was at the tail end of months of physical pain and limitation, during which time she and her family were made somewhat dependant on the service and thoughtfulness of friends and family. She taught me something that experience taught her - to act in service whenever the thought comes.

She and I shared a tendancy to talk ourselves out of service. I don't want to embarass ________. I don't know if this will really help ________. What if _________ doesn't want or need my help? What if it's not a good time? I don't know ________ well enough to know what they need.

I say these things to myself so often when I think of doing something for someone. After talking with Cody I resolved to do better. And I didn't.

But now, after being served in so many meaningful ways, I am again trying to resolve to serve more. To think of other's needs before my own. To bear witness to others, in word and in deed, that Heavenly Father loves them, too.

Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Matthew 25:4

2009-09-28T09:52:00.000-07:00

This last weekend, Mademoiselle was baptized. Watching my daughter make the choice to be faithful despite her worries (she doesn't have tons of water confidence - she's not a swimmer yet) was beautiful. When she came out of the font, I wrapped her in a thick, warm towel as she cried into my shoulder. She told me how wonderful she felt. I believe her words were, "My body is cold, but my insides are warm, like I took a bath in love." I told her to remember those feelings forever, because that is the love Heavenly Father has for her. She shivered and we hugged, and tucked the memories into our minds to retreive later. I will remind her of that moment when she feels small and unimportant, or overwhelmed by life, or a little short on faith, and I pray that it will be enough. I pray that even though she may falter, like so many of us do, that she will not fall. That she will continue on this path of faithfulness despite the difficulties and distractions of life. That she will know of Heavenly Fathers love for her just as tangibly as she knows of our love for her.

2009-09-21T15:36:00.000-07:00

I think James looks just like a little baby doll. Like a baby doll, and like his brothers. He is sodangcute!

Before I had kids I had a great theory. I decided I wouldn't call my kids cute. You know, so their self-esteem would be based on things that are real and long-lasting, not ficle and fading.

When I had baby Mademoiselle, the theory went flying out the window. She was too cute, and I had to coo or squeal about the cuteness just about every time I looked at her. She's heard "cute, cute, CUTE!" probably every day of her life. That's like 8,544 times, at least. I thinks the day she realizes she hasn't heard it might be a sad day.

That's what I was trying to avoid. In my child-less wisdom, I thought it would be easier leave my kids ignorant of their cuteness, so there would be no remorse for them if they some day grew out of it. They couldn't miss what they didn't know they had, right?

Oh well. It turns out it was really just easier to succumb to the cuteness and let them deal with the consequences of our indulgence later.

2009-09-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

When you have been the little brother for your whole entire life, sometimes it's hard to get used to being a big brother. Benefactor has been trying to get used to it for 5 weeks now.

The first week or so he just tried to keep straight which baby it was that we brought home. Was is his little friends' baby Levi? Was is his sweet baby cousin Aubrey? He wasn't sure. Some of that is probably because we didn't have a name for baby James until he was 5 hours old. Finally, though, after a week or two, he figured out his new baby brothers' name; Baby Jame.

The second week he just wondered why he didn't get as many cuddles from mom, and why mom couldn't put him to bed every night. He started to get a little tired of all the attention showered on this squeeky little guy, and when he tried to climb into bed with mom in the morning, he found that either she was already up and awake and feeding the baby, or she was really really really trying to get a few more minutes sleep and that Baby Jame was in his spot next to mom, anyway.

The third week Baby Jame and mom were gone in first one hospital, and then another, and he only got to visit mom once. He had the fun of lots of attention from Dad and Gram, and even got to go on a trip to Gram's house, but he still missed the way things were. He tried really hard to be one of the big kids, but sometimes it just wore him plum out, and he would want to rest with a movie in the afternoon, or climb into bed with Gram and Papa during the night, who haven't share their bed with a little one for quite a few years.

To make things a little more lonely for the little guy, his favorite two people on the planet both started school for the first time just three days after Baby Jame was born. Benefactor was extra lonely without the energy and imagination of his older sister and brother, and he didn't know quite what to do with himself in those long hours between 7 and 3. Would he singlehandedly defend the house from the worlds bad guys? Would he build his own towering cities of block with car and train transportation? Would he become an artist, painting paper and self with brilliant color? He tried them all, but settled on the delight of playing thief, stealing toys and treaures from the rich and giving to himself.

These days he is settling into the new normal. He misses Mademoiselle and S.A.M., and loves his Baby Jame. He keeps very busy, what with all the clothes changing and Robin Hooding, but sometimes he gets himself so worn out that the only thing he can manage is crashing on the floor for a little movie. Learning to be a big brother is hard work.

2009-09-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

Most of the time I feel pretty great. Capable, energetic, positive. And then something happens, and I feel flooded by stress, guilt, and worry.

A few minutes ago Tyler scratched my back, and it sent me into silent tears. Something about his loving touch made all those emotions that I don't feel 90% of the day come rushing to the surface. This has been happening recently, and it catches me completely off guard.

I think the impact of those eight days ( a pretty short stay, really ), first in the hospital nearby, then in Phoenix Children's Hospital's NICU, is something I haven't really processed yet. I spent the first week home just glad to be here. I think part of me, a very large part of me, was happy to pretend life would just return to normal and I could forget the whole thing never happened.

I can easily look at James in his beautiful wide eyes, and try to coax a fleeting smile from him, and feel like everything is perfect. How can it not be? I mean, he is perfect. He is perfect even though his body isn't perfect. He is a gift of joy and delight.

All that is true. Also true is that as his parent I need to be prepared, educated, and equipped to support him in living his fullest life possible. It's the same goal I have for my other children, but my part in it is different. It's different and unknown, and a large part of it I'll have to figure it out as I go.

Of course, it's okay, probably even good to feel overwhelmed and unsure at times. It helps me recognize the ways in which I need to grow and change. And the tears are good, too, I'm sure. But I don't yet exactly know why.

I do know I have had many trying, even heartbreaking experiences in my life. I have at times felt completely alone, and the only solace I could find was in prayer to my loving Father in Heaven. This last month has not been like that. Our entire family has been uplifted, supported, loved, prayed for, fasted for, encouraged, helped and fed by wonderful, generous, and thoughtful family, friends, and strangers. This means so much to us. I will always be grateful.

2009-09-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

James Moses

2009-09-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

6 am Friday morning saw us heading down to Phoenix, four hours away, for a follow up with the Pediatric Neurosurgeon at Phoenix Children's Hospital. It was the first of many follow up appointments to come. There were two highlights to this appointment.

1. We were able to look at images from the original CT scan taken the day before the surgery alongside images of the MRI taken the day after the surgery and compare them. It was wonderful to see the amount of fluid already lessening in the post-surgery MRI, and the amount of brain tissue increasing, or responding to the decrease of pressure. This means the shunt is successfully doing it's job. What it means for James, function-wise, is anyone's guess.

2. We were reassured in our assumption that a nurse gave us very conservative advice when recommending that James and I not venture into public for a year. Two months is more like it. After that, we are free to go and do what we like - church, reunions, shopping and more!

Along with those positive experiences I'll share a few milestones, James style. These are things that may not be significant to the average newborn, but are great steps for James to make.

- James is strengthening his grip. Before the surgery, he had the normal newborn vice-grip, squeezing my fingers very strongly, especially as I would hold his hands to help reassure and calm him during various procedures. After the surgery, he had very little hand strength. We have been working with him during his awake times to increase his strength, and it's coming along. He white-knuckled it yesterday.

- James is eating well. He mastered the suck, swallow, breathe combination. This is huge. Because of this he is growing and thriving. Because of this, he didn't need any help getting the nutrition he needed.

- James is starting to hold his head up for a moment here and there. Because of his heavy head, and because of his weakened state, this was something he wasn't able to do until the last couple of days. He still needs a lot of head support, but we're on our way!

- James is very good at making eye contact, and always has been, even post-surgery. But now he is showing signs of beginning to track objects in movement. He's still VERY early in this process, but this is a very good thing. Many infants with Hydrocephalus have significant vision problems, and James might be one of them, but so far, we're headed in the right direction.

James has one other special skill - he can tear his oxygen tube out in a split second. He uses oxygen at night, and I barely get the tube in place and it's torn right back out again. He does this so well that he does it in his sleep. Tube tickles nose, hand shoots up and grabs tube and yanks it out, mom repositions tube in nose, James sneezes, tube tickles nose, hand shoots up and grabs tube and yanks it out. Over and over.

He's so dang cute.

2009-09-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

We're new to this school stuff.

So, I'm wondering, is 2 hours of homework a night normal for second grade? And, why can't the teachers, bless their hearts, send home any instructions of what these kids are actually supposed to be doing with the assortment of papers and books they bring home? And, does your Kinder ever freak out because you're wrong, you're wrong and teacher SAID and you're lying and now he won't be able to get a treasure from the treasure box because you're wrong?

Just wondering.

2009-09-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

Today I feel peaceful.

I'm typing with our precious James on my lap, and can I tell you, he looks good. Look past the bandages and tape, and he looks just like any other newborn, getting chubbier cheeks, grunting a little in his sleep. This makes me very, very happy.

I think I'm realizing this may be the easy part. As he grows and develops I think I might be wondering a lot. Wondering if I should be concerned that he hasn't done this yet, or figured out that yet, and what that might mean for him. Wondering if he's just hot, or if this is the beginning of a fever. And if it's a fever, does that mean he has a virus, or is he fighting an infection? Does that mean a visit to the doctor, or more surgery and hospital stays?

So, I'll take today's peace while it lasts. I'll cuddle him and feed him as much as I can. I'll hang on his every grunt and squeek. I'll hold his little hands, and look into his wide eyes. I'll change his diaper a dozen times and delight in it's contents, even.

Because my baby is here, and I get to hold him and care for him, and he gets to grow and live and feel our love. And one day of that will always be better than none.

2009-08-31T11:31:00.000-07:00

If you want to learn more about Hydrocephalus, click here. If you have questions about James and his specific case, feel free to ask them either here in the comments, or by e-mail { ktrmama at msn dot com }

2009-08-31T10:57:00.000-07:00

Our new little guy, James, was diagnosed with Acute Hydrocephalus and Aquaductal Stenosis August 22nd, and underwent neurosurgery to place a shunt on the 23rd. He was two weeks old. He is recovering as well as could be hoped from the surgery, and has many years of doctors appointments, therapies, and such to come. I will be sharing updates on James here every so often, as well as my own thoughts, hopes, and struggles.

2009-06-22T09:59:00.000-07:00

Monday mornings mean; lots and lots of cleaning and organizing and planning, usually. I don't know about you, but after the weekend (and particularly Sunday) there's a bit of recovery that needs to be made around the house.

But this Monday morning was made infinitely better by a lot of ripe mulberries found when I was out watering the plants. It's so gratifying to plant something, and be able to eat it's yummy goodness within the week. And it's so gratifying to see the kids walk by the new mulberry trees and grab a sweet little fresh-grown snack.

2009-06-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

Last night Tyler was trying to persuade his parents to visit this weekend.

"I'll even let dad mow the lawn for me! No, that's saying a lot. I love mowing the lawn! I do! The smell of the gas and the grass together - it's like heaven... except, I doubt there will be noxious fumes in heaven."

2009-06-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

I survived irrigation.

Here's how it went down. The neighbors had used all the water they wanted to use when there was still 20 minutes of their time left, and sent the water on through to me early. This is nice, on the one hand, because water is good for plants, right? But, on the other hand, our yard can only hold so much water. When this same thing happened last week, we ended up with a stream of water running down the road because it had overflowed our yard. And that is bad. So, when they sent the water my way, I was worried because I had 1 hour plus and extra 20 minutes of water coming my way, with no real experience in how to manage it, and knowing that if it overflowed again we could risk losing our water rights.

What's a girl to do, I ask you?

But, I was a champ. I did it. I managed the water, slowing flow here, redirecting it there, stopping and starting it through that area. (The reason our yard takes more than the average attention during irrigation is because it is woefully un-level. We can't bear to dig up a yard of beautiful grass just yet, so that's a project that will be waiting until fall.) And it didn't overflow.

But, whoo boy, it did wear me out.

Here's the crazy thing that happened, because there is ALWAYS a crazy thing that happens, right?

The neighbor's granddaughter wanted to come into our yard to play in the water and mud with our kids. Great! But, as she came through the fence, she let one of their 4 dogs into the yard. No biggee! Except no adult saw it happen, including me. The dog bounded into our yard, through the very muddy and wet grape area, straight across the driveway and right into our back door! Not good! There are muddy doggie footprints everywhere. Everywhere.

Eventually, the kids herded her out of the house and back into her own yard.

So, irrigation mastered. I just hope I don't have to end up doing a mid-nighter all alone anytime soon!

2009-06-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

Just as Tyler was walking out of the door yesterday for a 3 day work camping trip thing, I got our call with this weeks' irrigation time. Today at 12:30 pm.

Here's the thing - Tyler is the big boss man when it comes to irrigation. He knows how it works, he's the one out there directing and re-directing the water. Mostly I just stand there and say supportive stuff, and watch the kids get covered in mud and grass. And look cute. But I hardly need mention that.

And now Tyler is gone for our irrigation time, and if we had found out just 15 minutes earlier he could have a least walked me through it. But, no. I'm on my own. But I'll get by with a little help from our neighbors, right?

Wish me luck.

2009-06-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, after a long mid-day at church, our family unwound out on the back lawn. After we stuffed our hungry faces with whatever quick fix we could find, and changed into more comfortable clothes, Mademoiselle declared it was "Family Game Time". So we spread out blankets on the lush, green grass under the shade of an apple tree. Tyler and Mademoiselle and S.A.M. played a fun caterpillar game we got for Christmas from a very smart aunt and uncle (who know us so well). I lay down, half in the shade and half out, the sun on my legs, and the breeze cooling me down. Benefactor used all of us as trampolines and jungle-gyms, and then cuddled in next to me. He found a good "hiding 'pot" with my arm as a headrest and the blanket wrapped up around him. He'd peek out at me adoringly and playfully, then retreat to his hideaway, then peek out again and add a gentle pat on my cheek.

It was nothing short of blissful.

2009-06-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

I stayed in the shower an extra few minutes this morning, relishing the peace and quiet and solitude. And then the boys came running down the hall and pounded at the door. Peace and quiet and solitude were gone in a quick second. And I noticed I was smiling, not resentful or disappointed. That's the magic of motherhood to me - I can't help but love these adorable little ones. Some moments I forget what a blessing they are to me, but then the most unexpected moments remind me that I'd never want to live a second without them.

I always wanted to be a mother. I looked forward to it, sometimes very impatiently. The reality of motherhood isn't a shock to me, but it's so much more in every possible way than I imagined it would be.

More joyful,

more intense,

more difficult,

more constant,

more rewarding,

more challenging,

more overwhelming,

more consuming,

more lovely,

more everything.

"Mothers who know desire to bear children. Whereas in many cultures in the world children are “becoming less valued,” in the culture of the gospel we still believe in having children. Prophets, seers, and revelators who were sustained at this conference have declared that “God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.” President Ezra Taft Benson taught that young couples should not postpone having children and that “in the eternal perspective, children—not possessions, not position, not prestige—are our greatest jewels.”

Faithful daughters of God desire children. In the scriptures we read of Eve (see Moses 4:26), Sarah (see Genesis 17:16), Rebekah (see Genesis 24:60), and Mary (see 1 Nephi 11:13–20), who were foreordained to be mothers before children were born to them. Some women are not given the responsibility of bearing children in mortality, but just as Hannah of the Old Testament prayed fervently for her child (see 1 Samuel 1:11), the value women place on motherhood in this life and the attributes of motherhood they attain here will rise with them in the Resurrection (see D&C 130:18). Women who desire and work toward that blessing in this life are promised they will receive it for all eternity, and eternity is much, much longer than mortality. There is eternal influence and power in motherhood. "

-Julie B. Beck
Mothers Who Know

2009-06-10T10:03:00.000-07:00

1) I call Mademoiselle "My Darlin'". And every once in awhile I start singing "Oh My Darlin'", and I get about that far, and she starts crying. Once, years ago, I sang more of the song, and she thought it was the saddest thing ever, and now she just can't handle it. And sometimes, for a splist second, I forget.

2) One of these days we will go down to Tucson for a visit and come back and the kids will NOT get sick.

3) Speaking of songs, I keep singing "And the green grass grows all around, all around, and the green grass grows all around" because it does. And I've never lived like this before. And I love it.

4) This morning Mademoiselle and I made The Worlds' Most Disgusting Smoothie Ever. It had an entire fresh pineapple in it. What a waste. I actually poured it down the sink instead of choking it down. That's a first.

5) The apples are growing. The cherries are not. The garden is almost all planted. Just thought you should know.

Bonus #6) Tyler came back from a day-long fishing trip with lots of fish tales and some dirty clothes. I washed them, and they stank. Tyler and I were confused. I left them over the weekend while we were gone. We came home and they stank worse. I opened the washer to run them through again, and it stank. I looked through the ins and outs of the washer and found crawdad shells. I took them to Tyler. He laughed and confessed he had forgotten 2 crawdads were in his pockets. But I love that when I went through his pockets more thoroughly (gotta love cargos with lots of hidden pockets) I found rope, fish hooks, rocks, pine needles and more. So much like an adventurous little boy hoarding his treasures.

2009-06-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

Today is a tumultuous day.

The wind is tossing our fruit trees to and fro. It's blustery and intense, and then still for a moment or two, and then blustery and intense again. It's on again, off again cloudy. The sun shines beautifully through the leaves and branches, and then is covered by a blanket of dark forboding clouds.

My moods today are about as tumultuous as the weather. One minute lonely and sad, the next a little playful and silly, and then dark and down.

Everybody has a day like this every once in awhile, but today it's my turn.

2009-06-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a little about Benefactor, for memory's sake. It's always hard for me to think, when a new baby is just around the corner, that the littlest one in the house is about to look like a giant. Because as soon as I have this new tiny little guy in my arm, Benefactor will all of a sudden look all grown up.

Benefactor is the first awake in our house. Always. I hear his little footsteps running to my bedside. He says "Good morning, mom!" and "Get up, mom!" and "No feeping, mom!" and pulls my blanket off of me. Sometimes this lasts awhile. Then he finally says, "I EAT, mom! Took an EGG, mom!" and after a few rounds of that, I oblige him. (I'm not a morning person and he is.)

Then he eats his breakfast. Then the rest of the family wakes up one by one. And he eats breakfast with each one of them, too. I think this is something that's genetic, because I'm told I used to to the same thing as a toddler.

When he's done, he gets down from his seat at the table and asks for a banana. Sometimes I let him have one.

He spends most of his time trying to keep up with "the guys", which is what he lovingly calls his older siblings. If he gets bored or left out or tired, he brings me a book or two. He's always loved reading. And if I'm too busy (for shame) to read to him, he's happy to find a spot on his own and read to himself for quite some time.

When he's tired, he loves the cuddles. And I can always tell if he's nap-tired by asking him if he wants his fishy blanket. Tyler made it for him, and he doesn't like to sleep without it. So I ask him if he wants his fishy blanket, or sometimes I ask if he's ready to sleep, and he says, "Yesss!" so happily. Then we cuddle, and often we read, and then he naps. But, if I ask him if he wants a nap, he says, "Yesss!" and then takes of his clothes and runs to the bathtub and will not be contented with anything other than a bath.

When he wakes up from naps he makes sure he says "Hi!" or "Dood morning!" and waves to every single one of us before he runs off after Mademoiselle and S.A.M. again

He wants to know everyones' name. We see someone at church. "Der name, mom?" Someone stops by. "Der name, mom?" He wakes us up in the morning. "Your name, mom?"

He loves to scare us. He growls and roars and shows us his claws and fangs and laughs hysterically when we scream. If we do it back, he gets really scared. He always jumps, even if he sees it coming. If daddy is doing the scaring, he smiles and laughs, kind of nervously. If S.A.M. is doing the scaring, he cries and runs to me and needs a kiss, and sometimes a hug.

He always wants to go somewhere. Anywhere. Every day when Tyler leaves he cries and says he wants to "do home, too, mom!" and when I tell him he is home he looks at me like he's sorry I'm so confused.

He loves lions and horses and puppies and horses and "tows" and horses and fish and horses and elephants. He loves the bugs that his brother and sister catch, but he's not quick to touch them, too. Every once in awhile he gets up the nerve, but then he pulls back his hand quickly and rubs it clean on his shirt. Every day he wants to go fishing, and when we go fishing he has his own little pole with a bobber on the line that he slaps and slaps on the water and scares the fish away.

He likes to wear another t-shirt tucked in the back of his t-shirt like a cape. He calls this "petepuh", who we figured out is some silly mixture of Peter Pan and Spiderman. His sweet aunt saw this and made him a quick cape out of left over material, but Benefactor wouldn't have any of it.

He has a few shirts with his very favorite animals on them, and he won't wear them. Everyday he wants his "rainbow" that has colored stripes on it, his "B" that has an appliqued letter B on it (from aunt Martie 2 years ago) or his "chuch" shirts, which are any button up shirts that he might wear to church.

He's the first to remember prayers or blessings if the rest of us forget, and he's the first to cut them short with a loud "Amen" if any of us ramble a bit. He's quick to smile, quick to laugh, quick to forgive, quick to learn, and quick to apologize.

When he goes to bed at night, or when he wakes up in the night, he says "Ephadent. Pwhhhhhh. Ephadent. Pwhhhhhh." over and over to get me to sing "One Elephant Went Out to Play". And then he turns over and goes to sleep.

2009-06-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

When you're married to someone who is into wildlife (of all shapes and sizes), you might end up having conversations like this.

Him : "It's really cool the way nightcrawlers mate."

Me : "Oh, yeah?"

He describes and demonstrates using his two pointer fingers.

Him : "...so they stick parts of their bodies out of the ground like this and then they're joined together like this, and sometimes one of them is sticking up like this."

Me : "Mmmm. Neat."

Him: "But the best part is you can get two in one grab."

Me: "Nice. Get them while they're distracted. Good strategy."

THE END

2009-06-03T19:29:00.000-07:00

S.A.M.one got in a lot of trouble today. That certain S.A.M.one lost his privelege to be outside. This is about as big a punishment for me as for him, I mean, S.A.M.one. Trust me.

So tonight, after a long afternoon inside, when he stood at the front door trying to get some of the kids to come inside to his clean room instead of play in the yard, my heart strings started to feel a tug. His friend asked why he had to stay inside, and why he was in trouble, and he totally owned up to being naughty.

Then the kids outside started playing tag, and S.A.M.one had to get in on the action as best he could. He ran from the front door to the back door and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. My heart strings just about snapped. He was so insanely pathetic and cute and uncomplaining that I almost sent him to play outside again. Almost.

Hopefully S.A.M.one remembers to not be naughty tomorrow.

2009-06-03T12:19:00.001-07:00

I can't help but feel really grateful.

I have pretty much everything I ever wanted. I love my husband (who is employed, another big plus) and wonderful children. I love our home (we just made our first mortgage payment ever. It's official; we're grown ups.) and our yard. I love our trees and our grass and our porch swing. I love that neighbors stop by just about every day, sometimes to chat about irrigation, sometimes to bring us an extra squash or loaf of bread, sometimes to play. I love our lifestyle; calm, relaxed, moment-seizing, centered on the gospel and an appreciation of the beauty of this world that was created on our behalf. I love that we are healthy and strong and able. I love that we have extended family to share our joys and sorrows with.

And then I can't help but feel really ungrateful.

With everything I ever wanted all around me, I still find ways to get grumpy, lose patience, worry about little things, and be selfish. How is that even possible?

And then I can't help but feel really grateful because I have these blessings in my life despite my ingratitude.

Kind of makes me dizzy.