Clarity for my Quarterlife

Venturing Glass

2009-11-05T14:41:00.002-06:00

Reflect light into darkness
Or in this life I try
It is an obvious weakness
To my transient mind

Take on my position
Behind a glassy wall
Immediately I begin to stumble
Beneath me where you crawl

Digging even deeper
Caked and cut with dirt
I must wash my hands completely
Of every speck of hurt

I cannot find an angle
To light up where you are
Turn the glass in my direction
To see my venture scars

Man I'm rusty but it still feels good.

Evolution

2009-11-04T11:12:00.004-06:00

Shoulders back. Chin up.

This is the pose of confidence that my grandmother taught me. However, when your shoulders have slumped and your neck is used to nodding and leaning from listening to the endless stream of what others have to say, executing this pose can feel unnatural, like someone is trying to pull you up by your hair.

Respect your elders, because they have the experience. This pose not only opens you up and makes you appear confident, but since you appear confident it makes you feel more confident. Just like I learned that doing my hair makes me feel prettier, smiling at myself in the mirror will usually make me laugh, and taking on an upbeat voice on the phone at work makes even the most disgruntled tenants chill out a little bit.

Is this fake? What is the most natural human state? My answer to this question is ever evolving. I don't think that you can call changing fake, or positivity deceptive. Ever seeking truth, knowledge and happiness. Sharing the experience. Peeling back the layers.

OK, back to my potato chips and ice tea, all smiles for me!

Unforeseen

2009-10-29T08:51:00.004-05:00

Here I am invisible
I have ceased to feel
Endurance featuring the divisible
One posture makes it real

Here I am nothing
It's all I can do to close my eyes
Against withstanding drifting
Prove my hushed demise

Maybe I am invincible
Maybe I am unforeseen

Dozing

2009-10-28T13:25:00.006-05:00

I feel someone sit down next to me.

"Wake up, you need to go home..."

My temper immediately flares and in a flash my surroundings have been surveyed. I'm safe.

"Mmmgrrrrr..." I glance up at the clock and roll over in protest. I really should have left about an hour and a half ago, but who's going to miss me.

"Seriously, I know you're a bear, I remember you're a bear, get up."

I roll back over. We get into a choppy back and forth about what he remembers. Have I always been this way? I must respect this friend for what he can tell me about myself, no matter how badly instinct wants to rip him limb from limb. It will pass. I will probably tell him a thing or two about himself one of these days when I can clean up my mental state. It is just nice to be in each other's company. In fact I can say a couple of things, I do not know many people who are as serene and respectful.

I get up, collect my backpack, borrow a sweatshirt, bid a fond farewell and hop in the car. I can't believe how tired I am. When I was an undergraduate I once read that driving while drowsy is worse than driving while drunk. I would consider my driving adventures between Charleston and Homer around midnight for the past few weeks to be living proof of this theory.

I start dialing, somebody, anybody be awake. Of course I know which friends are generally awake, which are hit or miss, and which, so help me God, if I call them in the middle of the night are going to curse me into oblivion at an unreasonably early hour in the morning. My fellow bears.

No one answers from the generally awake category, so I start the hit or miss. I feel bad about the possibility of waking someone who is enjoying a full 8 hours, so I stop. What a lonely feeling, driving down these roads, no other cars, no people, no one to talk to. Speeding. Occasionally swerving (to avoid possums of course).

I begin singing to myself to stay awake. "It's no-ones fault, it's nobody's fault, that I fell on you and you on me, that's what humans do, when they pass on through, but I think we can't, don't you? ...No of course you don't! Of course you don't! You say life is peachy without me! Of course you don't! Of course you don't! You say life is peachy without me..."

BOREDOM. That's what all of this running around has done to me, I am now bored whenever there is nothing happening. No one to talk to, nothing to do but go home and go to bed. I must re-learn the art of doing nothing. Quit stirring, quit stalking, do nothing. Shut off the computer, put up the phone, pick up a book, a crochet hook, anything... the only requirement is that it needs to be solitary. OK, the dogs can come, but no people. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but reaching for them so much is making me scarily dependent on attaining their attention for my happiness and peace of mind.

I need my own peace of mind.

On a Cold Autumn Night

2009-10-23T10:02:00.002-05:00

It is so cold. My heater quit sometime during the night, so at 3:45am I get up to cover my dogs. Once they are "tucked in" I get into bed and begin building a nest of pillows and throw my sheets and comforter as far over my head as I can and curl into a tight ball. It is nights like this when I genuinely miss the feeling of someone beside me. Someone to curl around me, envelope me in love.

Tonight it is just me though. I have taken care of my own, and taken care of myself. For the first time since it all started, I can't say that I am blissful, but I am content. Life is a series of moments, ones that make us happy, and ones that make us miserable. I am glad that I have the memory of tenderness. I know I have to get over the moments that made me miserable to get to the next place in my life, but how hard should that have to be? How do you balance the moments of happiness with the moments of pain to realize what is best for you and do the right thing?

I know I am not done making mistakes, but I also know that I will never be done learning about myself, this world and these moments.

Turning Down The Furnace

2009-10-22T09:36:00.003-05:00

Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, then it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive, motivation, and creative energy. Alternatively, the dream may be warning you of your dangerous or risky activities. You are literally "playing with fire".

To see a furnace in your dream, symbolizes power and energy.

To see the color burgundy in your dream, symbolizes wealth, success, and prosperity. It is indicative of your potential power.

Orange denotes hope, friendliness, courtesy, lively, sociability, and an out-going nature. You may want to expand your horizons and look into new interests.

Peach is the color of innocent love intermixed with wisdom.

Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.

To see your bed in your dream, represents your intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. If you are sleeping in your own bed, then it denotes security and restoration of your mind. You may be looking for domestic bliss, for peace or for some form of escape.

dreammoods.com

Semi-Charmed Life

2009-10-20T08:49:00.004-05:00

Life changes everyday, but I cannot believe how radically different things are.

Last night I came home with soybeans in my clothes and smelling like diesel fuel. You would think that growing up in the middle of corn and bean fields that I would've had the full experience, but no. It is so simple, and yet so awesome.

This morning I woke up with field dust in my sinuses, but looking in the mirror I am beginning to see the depth. In my eyes, in my skin, my hair, my hands & feet... I hadn't stopped to notice in so long. I realize that I am not the mainstream epitome of beauty, but there is more to me. There is more to life and relationships and people than what I believe that I have previously given credit for.

Each day I am waking up happier than I was the day before. Sometimes it's subtle, sometimes it blows me away, but I am living the best life I know how each day.

Living Like a King

2009-10-18T11:01:00.004-05:00

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me

~Kings of Leon

I can't help but smile right now. All I have to do is recall the lyrics in this song and it gives me hope... something about a good song, it is strange and wonderful... and stirs my soul. Like raking up fall leaves, the earth was always there but it's the tools used to uncover it that definitively makes it known once more. I am here, music is my rake.

News That Travels

2009-10-11T22:57:00.008-05:00

I am getting better. I really need to make a more solid effort to ignore and not cater to those who have harmed me. Civility is a must, I have been caught up in far too much slanderous talk, and what's over now is truely over, no further discussion is necessary (even if it has felt just a little good to hear what people really thought). Before, I was negotiating, trying to figure out why I was the target of such hateful and repeated actions, and desperately seeking the love and support of people who would give it to me. Thankfully I received it, I have an awesome family and awesomer friends. After reviewing my actions I feel that I am the same good, unique, strong person that I was before, I just let it melt away out of desperation and depression. Everyone makes choices, and everyone makes mistakes, and none of that makes us any better or worse than anyone else. In my case, interactions with those that I have loved and trusted should not be so tricky. My values have been and remain that open communication, understanding and mutual respect should rule relationships. Love can be abstract, which is why it is important to me to have the rest of those attributes. After the events that have transpired I have felt a diminished sense of trust in others, isolated by my complete involvement with one person, and an unspeakable level of emotional grief. It has been an extremely difficult week for me. I already feel much more strong though, and in a year, or maybe even months from now, when I have steadied myself, and made headway on my responsibilities, I believe I may feel whole enough again to try something new. If that is what I decide that I want for my life at that juncture. I think the most frightening part of all of this was being part of a pendulum, swinging back and forth out of control because I was not strong enough to stop it.... and even now as I do find the strength, I know that for some the pendulum will continue on.

Now, with the brief exception of fall '03 (which was tooootally miserable) this is the first time I have been without a romantic relationship since I was 16. I'm suprising myself by how totally not miserable I am right now. I feel content where I am. Even somewhat giddy. Something has shifted... maybe even lifted, just enough to see that this is not the end of the world. To reveal the truth, the world almost lost someone of value. I wear my heart on my sleeve and this is no different from who I have been all along... I am someone full of love, strength, beauty, uniqueness and above all potential. I don't need anyone in my life who cannot see, respect and when it comes time, adore that.

No Wonder...

2009-10-08T20:31:00.003-05:00

I love Discovery. I just read that it is Wes Miles (Ra Ra Riot) and Rostam Batmanglij (Vampire Weekend) which makes perfect sense, given that I love Ra Ra Riot and especially Vampire Weekend.

Anyway, writing seems like a good idea. Facebook does not. I am not going to be a hypocrite and completely abandon my social networking site, but I'm thinking limited usage is in order given recent heartache. I don't think this will be hard, because the plan is (thus far) that I will be moving the bulk of my belongings to Homer where, (JOY) there is no Internet. There is a river, cable, a fire pit, woodland creatures, my own patio, and the opportunity to breathe a little easier. Boredom used to be a way of life out there when I was a kid, but all of the sudden, curling up with good books, painting my own nails, crocheting and finding the random family member to chat up sounds pretty appealing. Oh, and at least 2 of my friends from high school that I know of reside in Homer so that will be super nice as well. (I am missing my far away friend and wish she could live in Homer too but noooooo, she has a house in stinky old Georgia!! Heehee, I'm just kidding, I love Georgia and I can't wait to get down to visit, Tybee better look out for us in spring of '10, and Amypants better be there to join in the fun too. Miley Cyrus ain't got nothin' on us. Wait a sec...)

Whew! OK, Being positive (a bit nutty) is kind of exhausting but it's worth it... at least I know I will sleep well tonight.

Scratching the Itch

2009-09-29T13:37:00.006-05:00

I just read an interesting article and perspective at msn.com about the "7 month itch". As I am sure most will recall, the "7 year itch" refers to the incidence of infidelity after 7 years of marriage. Apparently nowadays couples start getting "itchy" within their first year of marriage, with 15% of women and 12% of men admitting to infidelity within the first year.

While the I did not find the article to be particularly moving despite being interesting, the comments section was a real eye opener to changing attitudes toward marriage and monogamous relationships in general. It seems like there are so many complicated choices that people are making, not only for themselves, but as couples. Some stuff seems like it is micromanaged, but then what are we all if not full of quirks? There were some good points being made about not getting married in your 20s. It is a time full of change and self discoveries... but I also think that there is something to be said for those who are self actualized enough in their 20s to chose a partner, continue to develop as themselves and find common ground, goals and values alongside someone else. From my perspective, these people are the lucky ones.

Come to think of it, life is full of self discoveries... but it is those core pieces that we have to identify to know who we are I guess. What are those important pieces though, and who truely defines them? Do people just wake up one day and know exactly who they are? Forgive me for not knowing how it works, because I am not a person who has regularly felt grounded. My best friend used to tell me all the time that I have a jawbreaker exterior and this sweet melty "go with the flow" middle. Most people get the jawbreaker, it is a defense mechanism and I know it. If I can't learn to trust myself and those around me (those who deserve to be trusted anyway), that jawbreaker is going to start feeling more like a suit of armor. A cross to bear. I'm so tired of carrying my pain, and the pain of others. There is so much that I have yet to let go of, and much of what I have successfully let go of in the past has taken so much time... because I have ignored my instincts, intuition, everything that was put in place by some divine entity to protect me, I have eschewed. It is about time to start paying attention to what I need, and work on feeling all of those kicks to the gut so that they can heal... and if that's the methaphor we're going with, let me just say that I think my insides are bleeding.

2009-09-16T22:35:00.005-05:00

illusory devotion
paling stars shower down my face
i fade from thin atmospheric embrace
voided commotion
intertwined frequencies explicate
edify and expose and escape
empty of emotion
in this quiet cold
truth inevitably unfolds

Stale Crackers

2009-09-13T18:01:00.005-05:00

One touch of nature makes the whole world kin

It's very possible that you will achieve greatness in your lifetime

The best is yet to come

Fight for it. You will come out on the top.

Do not dwell on differences with a loved one. Try to comprimise.

Beautiful things await you

You are always welcome in any gathering. Host a party this month.

If you look in the right places, you can find good offerings

These are, word for word, the fortunes written on cookies that I've had for the last year and a half. I am rarely disappointed by them, but right now I am fighting the urge to throw them all away. Why keep holding on to them?

Forgetting About Tomorrow

2009-09-12T20:04:00.003-05:00

I have always tried to remember that so long as there is breath in my lungs that there is hope. Even when nothing seems right, when nothing is right, my life still has potential for something better.

I feel so horribly distant from that right now. My mind cannot wrap itself around the situation I have found myself in. The scariest part is that what I got is so very much like how I have behaved in the past. I never use to have the courage to cut ties, so I acted mean, cut deep until they gave up. I too have taken until there was nothing left to give. I have finally got a taste of my own medicine, only I didn't give up. I knew what was happening, and although it hurt me to the core, I didn't give up hope that it might turn out differently. I am drowning in how deep that hope and that love runs right now, despite my intuition whispering "I told you so". There is nothing deep or complicated about seeing my reflection in this sick mirror. All I saw walk away was a confused person who thinks that to be happy is to pretend, and to love is to reprehend.

Do I deserve it? Yesterday I might have told you that I did, but I DO NOT!! NO ONE DOES!!! I can only hope now that I turn out better for having experienced this, no matter how futile and perfunctory it all seems right now. My heart feels like it is dying, all I want is comfort and safety, but my self-destructive idiosyncrasies are things that I have to start reconciling for myself now.

Empty.

2009-09-11T20:23:00.002-05:00

I cannot even begin to describe what I feel, which is highly unusual for me. I think every bit of my emoting speaks volumes, but no one can see my face. Not even me.

All of the sudden everything has become half empty.

Ears of Corn

2009-09-01T22:43:00.003-05:00

Tonight... tonight. I am exhausted. Last night I went to see Roberta Sparrow, The Have Nots and Bent Left with D.J. Greatness.

D.J.

I think that is the first official appearance he's made on my blog, but I digress.

I am exhausted. I am feeling a little discouraged about both my class and my ability to relax. There's that word again. I wonder if I will remember how to relax come October. I wonder if freeing up precious mental space will make getting into my class easier, because right now I am just not on the same wave length with the material or much else except struggling to keep my head above the proverbial water.

I keep waffling on what I want to teach. I kept saying PE because I want to teach health. Practicality says that I cannot certify in health alone, but I can't see myself teaching PE. I can see myself in English, choir, art. I just don't know if I have the drive to compete in the realm of the arts... and English, while being a core subject can be competitive as well, but it slightly less so and I believe that I hold a talent in English, whereas my talent with other artistic endeavours ebbs and flows.

All right I'm babbling, it's time for a shower and some sleep.

And How to Relax

2009-08-29T23:41:00.002-05:00

It is my first day off in 13 days. I wish I didn't need beer to settle down, but I guess I would need something to help me regardless. Happy Birthday! Ya know...

How To Relax

2009-08-23T21:32:00.002-05:00

This has been a really long week, and I'm trying to find some peace somewhere in my mind before jumping right on back in tomorrow. It's been difficult to sleep, despite lavender, magnesium, lowering caffine intake, etc. My mind has been so active.

It seems like when I am busy like this my mind stumbles over a million things I wish I could stop and write about. I've tried keeping a notepad in my purse but it is really in vain... the only time I could go back to my frame of mine was on Another Day in the Life and even that was not as satisfying as it would've been if I could've stopped everything and written it from that place in time instead of notes.

I came really close to some kind of epiphany on the old "do as I say and not as I do" notion today on the way home from work, but I got distracted. Eh, eh.

I'm going to try to lay my mind to rest again.

From a Moment of Clarity

2009-08-02T19:52:00.000-05:00

12/14/2009

I had another strange dream last night, but it was so short that it doesn't merit an entire blog. I slept in short jags last night, I kept startling awake wondering where I was and falling back into a light sleep.

Life has been a dizzying concoction of emotion lately... joy, pain, fear, excitement, loneliness, anxiety, enjoyment, depression, mania... it is above and beyond anything I've gone through in my entire existence. I'm not sure where and when it is going to end. It's like that moment between slamming your fingers in a car door and figuring out that they're either broken or not. Shock. Disbelief. Then, am I broken or am I going to be OK? I don't even think I've opened my eyes yet to check. I know what I feel, I know what's in my heart. I know that my head still works, I know that who I am there is hanging on by a thread. I know that things can be simple, but nothing is ever that simple.

I am the same person in essence. I can't fit myself into a mold. I have retained much of the fluidity that I came into this world with... do I have issues? Hell yes I do. Do I have to let them dictate what I want to do with MY life? No, I don't.

The Pleasure of Intimacy

2009-07-29T22:04:00.002-05:00

You know, I was going to go into a diatribe about this girl who has been pestering my boyfriend, but I think I finally understand what he's saying. Ignore it. It's stupid... and it is.

I have been under so much stress lately, and it is largely due to my internal negotiations. Who am I now? I have been feeling the haze slowly and painfully lift. I am beginning to feel safe asking myself these questions, and remembering that there is no rush to answer.

There is a lot of external chaos (upcoming 50 hour work weeks, school starting, commuting 2 hours, meeting with my advisor, etc) but I find that being busy helps me to discover more about myself and my surroundings... and other people as well.

I'm already exhausted.

Another Day in the Life

2009-07-08T19:13:00.007-05:00

"...it's too late to apologize..."

Even my ipod knows I'm on edge.

I tap my pen on my temple and wait for the next page on my data entry screen to load. Timbaland is crooning into my left ear, and my right is tuned to pick up the phone. I have never considered myself to be an adept multitasker but working pays.

I wonder what I would be doing right now if I had gotten my teacher certification the first time around. My parents preached and preached at me to pick up a finite career. Something that would seal my occupational path and prospects post graduation, but I was running off of the delirium of telling them "no".

"No, I will not be a teacher."

"No, I will not be a nurse."

"No, I am not coming home this weekend."

I check the time on my digital desk phone. One would think that if an establishment has enough money for digital desk phones that they could update their computers. I'm still waiting for my page to load. As my friend Michele would tease "the 80s called, they would like their computer back."

I check the time again on my cell phone. 2:37, six minutes after the last time I checked and still no messages.

What have I done?

"...it'll be all right, you make it seem so easy..."

Finally! The page loads. The right earbud pulsates lightly into my hand, and I can feel the bass line on my fingertips.

Be Still

2009-06-30T12:42:00.005-05:00

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel...

...I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life"

-"Scars" Papa Roach

There are sides to these lyrics, just like there are to every word read and spoken. There are the words, there is the intent, there is the reception.

There is I never thought I would find myself where I am today. This isn't about to be sunshine and daisies, but it isn't damnation either. I just have this surreal feeling.

I have tried and pretended and false started, done everything I could to feel whole again. I have done what I thought I should do to make things right, I have collapsed and given up.

I have been angry at many people, and have accepted what has come to pass. I don't deserve all the blame for what has happened. My unwillingness to speak out on my own behalf is not at all a sign of defeat, and for all that I have been through silence hasn't ever been a white flag. There is a bunch of flux, followed by an all encompassing wall, followed by me. That wall is impenetrable, both by myself and absolutely for those around me. That is why all the world hears from me is silence. I scream at that wall, but no one hears anything. It has been all too easy for people to "take sides" once they think they know it all, but no one really does. The hardest part of this has been living with those half baked judgements. Even from the people who tried to feed my young idealism about "unconditional love". Circumstance, change, ultimatums and conditions.

What is love anyway? After divorce it seemed like some intangible, unattainable fairy tale. So do I believe love is unconditional and can last forever? No. That is way too easy. Calling it all love is too easy. Do I believe that simplicity can at times be a good thing? Of course. Will the way I feel change and I still call it love? Yes, but at least I know now to give it thought so that don't just spew it out without a thought, I will know what I really mean and what lies beneath. There are things that I have discovered now too that I didn't realize were important before, like chemistry and at least some mystery. Space.

Anyway, I'll get there. I am only now beginning to realize that there is no road map, and that I am not going to get left behind if I don't do things the "right" way. I just have to do them my way.

Exhaustion

2009-06-12T14:52:00.002-05:00

This week has been absolutely draining. I don't think that I have been this tired since I was a college student working two jobs with an 18 hour course load.

I have registered for classes, attempted to make contact with or contacted almost every person with experience in counseling or education that I know, went to a counselor internship meeting at ACES, Interviewed with Lowes, studied for the GRE, sent out about 5 more applications and cover letters... I am a ridiculously busy girl for having so few commitments. I guess I am preparing myself for my re-entrance into the academic fold.

As it is looking now, next week is going to be pretty intense as well. My brain is practically humming... but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Conductor

2009-06-08T13:42:00.004-05:00

To dream of electricity, symbolizes vigor and life energy. You need to be revitalized. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you need to conserve your energy.

To dream of the countryside, suggests that you are seeking a simpler way of life. You need to take some time for yourself to relax and free your mind. Alternatively, it indicates a sense of freedom and/or openness that is lacking in your daily life.

To see green grass in your dream, suggests that there is a part of yourself that you can always rely on. The dream is also symbolic of natural protection. Also consider the phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side." Do you always compare yourself with others and look at what other people have?

To have a dream that takes place at night, represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. There are some issues in your life that you are facing, but are not too clear. You should put the issues aside so you can clear your head and come back to it later. Alternatively, night may be synonymous with death, rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings

To see stars in your dream, symbolize success, your aspirations and your high ideals. The stars indicate that you are putting some decision in the hands of fate and luck. Alternatively, the stars may signify your desire for fame and fortune.

To see light in your dream, represents illumination, clear mind, guidance, plain understanding, and insight. Light is being shed on a once cloudy situation or problem. You have found the truth to a situation or an answer to a problem. Also consider the color of the light for additional significance.
To see a bright light in your dream, indicates that you need to move toward a higher level of awareness and feeling. Bright light dreams are sometimes common for those who are near death.

To see a glow in your dream, symbolizes enlightenment and that new light has been shed onto a situation. You have gained a fresh perspective and reached a welcomed understanding.

To see a fence in your dream, signifies an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path. You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself. Are you feeling fenced in some situation or confined in some relationship? Alternatively, it may symbolize a need for privacy. You may want to shut off the rest of the world.
To dream that you are climbing to the top of a fence, denotes success. If you climb over the fence, then it indicates that you will accomplish your desires via not so legitimate means. If you dream that you are on the fence, then the dream may be a metaphor indicating that you undecided about something. To dream that you fall from a fence, denotes that you are in way over your head in regards to some project which you are incapable of dealing with.

www.dreammoods.com

No One Knows

2009-06-01T15:44:00.005-05:00

I'm going to state the obvious which is that I haven't been blogging much lately. Where has my strength, confidence and resolve gone? How and when do people learn to get over the hurts in their lives? When can they talk about it? Who will listen? What happens if there is no one there?

I just don't feel like I have much to say these days, I have been trying hard to get back up on my feet. It's like an obstacle course that I can't see the end of, and some parts are harder than others.