scissors happy

concerted effort: b

2009-12-13T22:06:00.004-06:00

whew, that took longer than i thought it would. at the rate i'm going, i ought to be done by 2014.

bands:
from b-rich to buzzcocks. b-rich is the immortal artist who recorded "whoa now!" - a really bad rap track that samples the jefferson's theme song (and that's pretty much why i didn't delete it)

number of songs by the B artists:
before going through - 1,314
after going through - 1,031

dates:
10/13/09-12/13/09

highlights/surprises:

when i started, 152 tracks were by the beatles; i deleted em down to 127, thanks to the repeats we had after we burned a friend's remastered magical mystery tour and past masters. i can barely barely barely tell the difference between the new reissues and the old ones; essentially, they are no better, they are still the same songs i used to listen to on a memorex tape that i copied off of my brother's cds in 1991. i suppose for the obsessed beatles fan, remastered in stereo is something worth getting excited about, but whatever. as onion columnist jackie harvey said, "I know I should buy a CD by Lady Gaga because she is very popular, but I'm still not sure she has the staying power of the Human League. Besides, I'm saving up for the new Beatles box set CDs. I've heard that I haven't heard the Beatles until I've paid for all their music one more time!"

other than the beatles, the most tracks were: 110 belle & sebastian, 76 ben folds and 70 beck. i have only seen one of those bands before, and audience members were doing the air violin.

there are a lot of bands that start with "black" - crowes, grape, hollies, keys, kids, lips, moth super rainbow, rebel motorcycle club, and star

i really liked what i heard by beautiful small machines and beauty pill. should look into more stuff by the brunettes. baby teeth is super hit-or-miss - the song "all that i can do" is amazing, but the other stuff i had mostly got deleted. i liked making myself listen to bright eyes, bob dylan, and bjork, as they are albums that i have owned for years and never listen to. i love blur and the breeders very much.

i decided that buzzcock's "everybody's happy nowadays" belongs on my 2010 new years cd.

even though they are no where near "good," i decided to keep all of my babes in toyland, bikini kill and bratmobile tracks. i miss those days.

the bee gees make me want to rollerskate.

i came really close to deleting most of big wreck's second album (it's not-a-so good), but the first one is so very much the summer of 1998 for me that i didn't.

blind melon's debut album = not as bad as you assume.

shit that needed to go:

two albums by the books. sorry, i don't get it.

a lot of unneeded (like 40 tracks) of ben folds/ben folds five/ben folds live. i like him . . . except for when i don't.

be your own pet, except for "the kelly affair," as it is written from the perspective of a character from the best movie of all time.

"all i want is you" - barry louis polisar from the juno soundtrack. ugh - what sounded so sweet and adorable in the movie is so cloying and twee when you actually try to listen to it out of the context of "honest to blog!" and "homeskillet" dialogue. actually, rewatching juno on cable, i now realize that the whole movie is cloying and twee. along the same lines, i deleted a lot of songs from the band the boy least likely to [stay on my computer] - also twee and cloying/annoying. with titles like "hugging my grudge" (which starts out with a harmonica intro), vomit. i did keep the boy least likely to's song "rock upon a porch with me" because it is kinda cute. that is all that is needed, thanks.

babyshambles, pete doherty's new band. sorry, i cannot think of one solitary moment when i would ever want to listen to this. art brut is right: he is a very bad man.

there was this really odd project i was a part of in high school - some major record label would periodically mail a mix tape to my journalism teacher with a form attached for a student to review the songs, and i was the one who most wanted to do it, so i was exposed to all sorts of new bands right after they had been signed. i would love to see the reviews i sent in, for real. i wanted to be a magazine journalist, preferably at sassy, rolling stone, or spin. i am now glad that i did not. anyway, i distinctly remember that there was a song called "feel me dying" by the blue up?, a band that did nothing and went nowhere, but the female singer was really offbeat and the song was a favorite of mine for a while. a few years ago, in a fit of nostalgia, bought the blue up?'s album spool forka dish on amazon for one cent and it was uniquely terrible. finally deleted it . . . except for "feel me dying," of course. i just wikipedia'd the band, and the lead singer apparently has/had a webcam where she jerks off for the world to watch. klassy.

time for the Cs.

concerted effort: a

2009-10-13T20:53:00.003-05:00

so i was recently a little dismayed to look at the 14,500+ songs in the itunes i share with pos and realize:

1) since we loaded everything to our new laptop in january, we haven't listened to much. well, somehow, we have listened to peaches' song "the inch" 48 times (really? i don't think that was me, even once), and others in our "top 25 played" look like the soundtrack to a day's outing for a group home (ie schizophrenic) - joss stone, joy division, sisters of mercy, mandy moore, dirty projectors, deerhoof, al green, indigo girls covering dylan, jamiroquai, depeche mode, everclear (what year is this?), beastie boys, metric, etc. we have over 14,500 songs and have somehow managed to get a duet between the girl from belle & sebastian and the guy from screaming trees into a most-listened-to list. this is odd. it makes me sad to see so many amazing albums just sitting there, "date added: 1/24/09" and "last played: [blank]." apparently i haven't listened to most of my favorite albums in full since january, if not well before then.

2) i have the habit of acquiring new music without really knowing what it is that i am downloading/buying/borrowing. i love music blogs and troll them weekly for new bands to check out, covers that are sometimes terrible but often amazing, old gems that are new to me. yesterday i found: a new flaming lips song, david gray covering "like a rolling stone" in 1993, new dizzee rascal, old ok go, some stuff i have never heard of but were on a best-new-music list (the postmarks, julian plenti), etc. also, and this is not typical, i bought three albums on itunes yesterday - the new air, zero 7 and david gray. i sometimes collect a bunch of new songs (and i say "collect" because i might be teetering towards "hoarding" although there are not 17-year-old newspapers and cat skeletons involved - thank god digital music is stored magically and invisibly in the pretty glowing clamshell of a laptop and does not require actual space) and never quite get around to listening - really listening - to decide whether i should keep it, delete it, or look for more from that band or musician. so i can easily scroll through the list and wonder "who the hell is jenn grant? or sundayrunners? how did i ever acquire so much badly drawn boy when i do not recall ever listening to him? why didn't i ever delete that james blunt album?"

3) i need to clear some harddrive space, and get more of pos' old cds imported. getting married means that you merge almost everything in your life. so i suppose it's time that our computer stores less tori amos and more slayer.

4) i like projects, especially ones that i can do on my commute (and justify that i play tetris on my ipod instead of doing anything productive).

so i am going to go through all of my songs and listen to them, and delete the crap, and rediscover old stuff i love and forgot about, or face my demons and admit that some of my old favorites are actually really bad and that while i might OWN lou reed's "transformer," it's not like i have ever listened to anything on it other than "walk on the wild side." and why do i have so many smashing pumpkins albums if i hate them?

so, ahem - A

bands:
from A-Trak to Azure Ray

number of songs by the A artists:
before going through - (i didn't know that i would be blogging this so i didn't check)
after going through - 696

dates:
9/14/09-10/13/09

highlights/surprises:
"come crash" by a.c. newman (i like the chorus, which is "christine, come crash on my floor")
"miss you" by adiam dymott
"lightbulbs" by the answering machine
"one crowded hour (live with strings)" by augie marsh
some guy named adrian champion mashed a bunch of rap tracks with white stripes songs. some aren't so hott, but the jay-z vs nas diss tracks back-to-back are fun.
there's a song called "the day before you came" on abba's more gold that is really fucking strange and i like that there is a shout-out to marilyn french.
i listened to nothing but alice in chains for two days - and i quite enjoyed myself. "over now" is my favorite re-discovery.

deleted:
some live tracks by art brut
an action action album
some super-terrible and random antony and the johnsons tracks - i don't think i will ever be in the mood for that
that nonsensical song about jessica simpson by adam green
some dickcheese rock by acceptance
this drowning-cats-sounding track by adrian orange & her band
a few other non-notables

lessons learned:
it really is a shame about amy winehouse
at the drive-in was FUCKING AWESOME (i knew this already, but i forgot just how much)
the avalaches' "since i left you" is really fun (i just wikipedia'd it and it says that the album was "assembled from approximately 3,500 vinyl samples")
do not put your husband's art of noise tracks into the "maybe delete" playlist

on to the Bs . . .

yeah, it must be wednesday night.

2009-09-23T21:19:00.002-05:00

went to the jewel after work to buy bacon and tomatoes so i could make this (it's just okay - tastes kinda like a soggy blt. gonna throw it back in the oven for a while).

older professional man in line in front of me: buying a 12-pack of miller light cans and a box of chocolate chip cookies.

younger professional man in line behind of me: buying a giant can of foster's and a frozen pizza.

i feel ya, dudes.

i google-image-searched "hump day" to add a graphic but i am not going to post any of those.

this made me laugh so hard.

2009-05-06T19:42:00.003-05:00

the top equation is mine. the second was written by pos after he must have noticed the piece of paper discarded by the laptop, and left to remind me that i am dumb.

love him.

this is my 500th post

2009-01-22T16:51:00.013-06:00

(according to blogger. i did not personally count them).

to celebrate, and to avoid actually having to write anything, here is a collection of internet objects d'arte that i have collected and like.

obamapalooza

2008-11-06T11:19:00.011-06:00

pos and i headed down to grant park around 7 or so, taking the el to the loop and walking. have no fear, capitalism is alive and well: there were people selling obama t-shirts, pins, towels, bracelets, glow necklaces, flags, etc, every ten feet. i liked the black shirt with the white american flag printed on it with the words "my president is black." we walked up roosevelt to michigan avenue, where there was a very strong police presence, mostly standing and watching the throngs of people. they had flexi-cuffs on hand in case we started to riot. i liked walking past the johnson publishing company building - they publish jet and ebony - and see their awesome framed obama covers. the mood in general was excited and chill.
we had to access the park through the congress street entrance, near buckingham fountain. there were supposedly two lines, one for ticketholders and one for those without. the crowds of folks just trying to get to congress to cross the bridge into the park was giant and there were people joining the lines so constantly that all i could see were people. we ended up running into my friend jw and his wife so we stood in line with them and slowly inched our way across the bridge. one check-point person looked at pos' ticket and the crowds were held back by police on horses, so it was slow-going. everyone in the crowd was checking online and texting to find out the latest election returns. when we found out that obama had won pennsylvania, everyone started screaming and jumping and cheering. some guy ahead of me was streaming cnn on his phone and held it up for me to watch. as we made our way closer, we found out about ohio, and it was more collective good cheer and excitement. the second check-point was a dude waving me through when i opened my handbag for inspection, and a woman looking at pos' drivers license and ticket. that was it for security. i was sure that there would be metal detectors, wands, pat-downs. i guess 175,000 people was too many to search.
when we were finally able to get into the park itself (mounted police were good at staggering the crowds), a bunch of people broke into mad sprints to get close. at this point, probably 8:00 or so, a fence had been erected to help divide the field and allow for police to walk through. the field was a quagmire of people, fences, distant tents lit up where i assumed media and VIPs were, and a giant screen for us to watch cnn. we lost jw in the initial jockeying for position, but pos and i ended up wandering around and meeting up with other friends. the crowd was courteous, friendly, excited and energetic. it felt like we were at the largest-ever tv-watching event. i liked how the screen would cut to a normal "election night 2008" image when cnn would break for commercials. whenever mccain would win a state like arkansas or whatever, everyone would boo. and the obama numbers kept piling up. it became quite clear, after pennsylvania and ohio and HOLY SHIT, florida too, that obama would be winning. but then he won virginia, and everyone got really excited and hushed and waiting, and right around 10:00 cnn flashed a screen that said "barack obama elected president" and everyone went apeshit, hugging and crying and screaming and jumping and laughing.
we had about an hour to kill before obama came out to speak. we watched mccain's concession speech, which actually riled up a lot of people around me. he was doddering on about how this was such a momentous event for black people, and people were yelling at the screen "it's not about that!!!" i was standing next to an older black man and his white ladyfriend, and when mccain was talking he just kept shaking his head and saying "for everyone. this is for everyone."

we got to dance a lot, as they kept piping in songs to keep us occupied. stevie wonder, some motown, some country (barf). i wish there had been bands and shit. a preacher came out and delivered a nice prayer, a woman came out and sang the national anthem (i think she got some of the words mixed up) and some guy came out and led the pledge of allegiance. i couldn't tell you the last time i did the pledge; high school maybe? and then the next president of the united states, barack hussein obama, came out and spoke, and he is such a beautiful speaker, one who inspires millions of people to feel like someone out there does care that you are alive and struggle and have to make choices and are fed up with the past eight years of insults and bullshit, and you want someone who you can look at and be happy with the idea that "you speak for me - you represent me - and i am proud of you and proud of america."obama's speech is here, in case you ever want to go back and read it.

and we clapped and shouted and cried and i said to pos (kidding) "now we can have a baby" and it was amazing to feel like you were a part of something historical, beautiful and healing.

oh, and pos spotted bill ayers on the way out. i looked him up online later and that was indeed him. he was in the field with all of the other excited chicagoans. no special VIP access for him.

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer."

election night (at long last)

2008-11-04T11:58:00.009-06:00

music for kids who can't read good has a nice election day mix of mp3s for you, as well as one of the best gif animations i have ever seen. adorbs!

pos got tickets for us to attend the grant park obamafest tonight. we were a little concerned about the huge amounts of people and the possibility of it being a clusterfuck of crazy, but we decided that we want to be a part of this monumental historical evening, and we will have further proof for our kids that we were once awesome.

kos!!!!!!!!!! kb no more.

2008-10-20T22:08:00.007-05:00

got married. perfect day.

here is our wedding favor mix cd track listing:

Love Songs We Love
October 11, 2008

The One I Love – David Gray
These Arms of Mine – Otis Redding
Maybe I’m Amazed – Jem
Sunshower – Chris Cornell
La La Love You – The Pixies
What is the Light? – The Flaming Lips
Satellite of Love – Lou Reed
At Last – Etta James
Brighter Than Sunshine – Aqualung
All You Ever Wanted – The Black Keys
The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson
I’ll Be Your Man – The Black Keys
I Never – Rilo Kiley
Marry Song – Band of Horses
By My Side – INXS
Just Like Heaven – The Cure
Sick of Myself – Matthew Sweet
Bittersweet Symphony – The Verve
This Will Be Our Year – The Zombies
All I Want is You – U2

just super

2008-09-24T13:55:00.001-05:00

the pumpkin president (?)

2008-09-24T13:47:00.002-05:00

i love mark ryden's work - it's beautiful and creepy and full of murderous stuffed animals and meat. i just don't really get this one, which is a limited edition to support obama.

(check out other paintings here. "california brown bear" and "the magic circus" are two favorites. he has a lot of abe lincoln stuff, ag, so brace yourself.)

i was never a true believer, but i like the sentiment.

2008-09-23T21:53:00.002-05:00

can you tell who my man is this november?

2008-09-23T21:51:00.001-05:00

i approve of this message.

2008-09-22T20:56:00.002-05:00

*special thanks to RM - sorry for the failed shout-out - i posted fast in a rare free moment.

no thanks to ECF. bossy!

too busy to even say hi. so here is another one.

2008-09-15T16:18:00.002-05:00

a collection

2008-07-29T14:30:00.005-05:00

not really a review

2008-07-25T16:45:00.003-05:00

saw the batman movie (btw, i don't know anyone who refers to it as the dark knight - everyone just refers to it as batman) at the imax theater on wednesday. i like the imax theater for the visuals and sound effects, obviously, but also because there is assigned seating (and no seat is a bad one). the show was sold out but there were two very long, open rows in front of us. about three minutes before the lights dimmed, a long line of mentally retarded people filed in, all wearing bright orange chicago park district t-shirts. my immediate reaction was "fuck, man, are they gonna be able to be quiet for two and a half hours?" i felt genuinely bad for assuming that they were incapable of watching a movie, but some of them were pretty disabled. and you know what? they were way quieter and more interested than the douche behind me whose phone rang about halfway through, or the (figurative) tards who talked through the previews. so, yay for the retarded field trippers! i know that when pos and i decide to have a child, it will be retarded for sure. it's called karma, and we deserve it.

i think that this guy wrote an "i'm perplexed at why everyone liked it so much" review of batman just so that other media would pick up on it.

got this little clip from popbitch:

   During the filming of The Dark Knight
  Heath Ledger kept a notebook to help him get
  in character, detailing all the things that
  he felt the Joker would find funny.

  The first entry:  AIDS.

i liked the movie. it was a little long, but thoroughly enjoyable. heath ledger was the best part (tears). it was also very chicago, and i got to geek out by recognizing streets, buildings, and locations. like, I TOTALLY walk across that bridge EVERY DAY when i go home!!!!

good advice

2008-07-25T16:44:00.002-05:00

snapped this photo with my phone outside my office this afternoon.

"you can be my alphabet and i will be your calculator" - sia

2008-07-24T17:21:00.000-05:00

i like this page. WTF?

interesting wedding traditions from around the world that pos and i ought to incorporate into our upcoming nuptials found here. i hope i get tar dumped on me and kidnapped - you know, to make the day special. we've already agreed to not do that retarded "let me delicately feed you a piece of cake and HAHAHAHAH i just smashed it all over your face!!!" ritual that i have seen a few too many times. also not making the list: him going searching for the garter belt up my dress (with his teeth, as i had to watch many an uncle and cousin do at their weddings and have scarred my retinas) and then flinging it at a bunch of single dudes. some traditions are meant to die. btw: my old boss the verns made me a garter belt. it is very pretty and a very inappropriate gift. i am inviting her and her husband to the wedding. i hope she gets shitfaced and dances sexy.

a helpful, handy chart for pos to rate how good i am at the wifely duties (circa 1939) found here. i get demerits for red nail polish (harlot!) but points for letting him sleep in on sundays.

but . . . but . . . i didn't think star wars nerds went outside . . .

pretty cool: someone placed a bunch of album covers together so you can see the real, full picture. tom jones on the inxs skateboard is my favorite. this is in a similar vein but better: show what the famous album cover cut out. there appear to be 31 pages of them.

rad duck hunt lamp (and how to make your own) here.

this website is okay - you upload a photo and then it makes it look like you cut it out of the newspaper in the 70s. here is me and a handsome devil at lollapalooza last year using the special old-timey program. where did the rest of my eyebrows go? lolla is coming up again - next weekend, acutally. got my man jms coming in from brooklyn, excited for radiohead and nin and a buncha other stuff.

a collection of diabolical monsters in spanish. number one is fucking awesome - some sort of fanged muppet with a horn that is supposed to be a scary unicorn but is really just funny. my spanish sucks - is that supposed to be "cat unicorn"?

i like lists, and i like schadenfreude. here is filmthreat's list of the 50 coldest people in hollywood - as in, stalled careers, unliked, etc. great quote: "The easiest way to keep a movie theater empty is by flashing 'Starring Jennifer Lopez' on the screen."

this list of things you should never buy is freaking me out. am i doomed because i use hair conditioner and saran wrap? fuck man, what doesn't kill you?

i'm a huge fan of the fail blog. this one is classic: family planning fail.

whew. twice this week! maybe i am back to blogging. i just needed a little rest is all.

hi.

2008-07-23T11:20:00.000-05:00

yeah, i was gone for a while. i mean, not really, just from this.

from best week ever: a collection of the 50 punniest business names. i dig the bike shop called "cycloanalists" and "a salt and battery" fish and chips place.

jerk-off material for democrats: it's obamaporn (sfw).

finally, they're all in one place: the best (worst) local newscasters moments are here.

jk sent me this list (with videos) of 15 celebrities who put out albums (and shouldn't have). sometimes i think back to shit i did or said when i was like 15 and i cringe, so i can only imagine what haunts joey lawrence when he can't sleep. also: corky had a band (#9).

jk also sent this website, which is the self-proclaimed best page in the universe, and i appreciate the rants. a good one is "fashion tips for women from a guy who knows dick about fashion."

this taxidermy museum (in the basement of a funeral parlor) is fo-sho on the must-do list for the next time i am in wisco and have time to drive the 45 mins up to madison. pos and i actually made a (free, low-tech) website for our wedding so that people can know where they're going and all that, and i didn't bother with the "area attractions" page because, really, this is it: a fucking fiberglass cow statue. cool, right?

if this video of what comes out of your cell phone when it is microwaved for one minute (satan himself, so it appears) is for real, i'm real scared.

cl sent me this factual and funny blog: things younger than mccain. which would include the six pack, frozen waffles, zip codes, duct tape . . .

i love awesome-mugshot roundups, and i love the commentary about these particularly alarming-looking (alleged) criminals.

wow, i really haven't posted in a long time. before the bill o'reilly "do it live" clip was in my life. and oh, is it. pos, for a few weeks, could not stop imitating the freak-out (which he does quite well). i am worried that when the priest asks him if he takes me to be his (l)awfully wedded wife, he will say "i do. I DO IT LIVE." excellent electroclash dance track "tribute to an american hero" video found here (from death from below). nsfw (hitler youth, animal kingdom sex and bill on repeat saying "fuck it fuck it"). tis magical.

okay, i am going to sped out for a second and post a page on the cutest fucking animal i have ever seen. ag, please buy me an "i heart quittens" t-shirt for my birthday (airbrushed, if possible). also, it's in like dutch or something, so i feel cultured and not pathetic to be pointing out a page of kitten photos.

this seriously made me laugh: darth vader plays the blues.

ag's gots a poem published in vol 7 of stickman review: read here. and ds got some of his poems published in ditch: read here.

since i'm no longer in my 20s, and since i have lived with pos, i have tried to cook more, try new recipes and ingredients, not be afraid of mistakes, practice how to chop and boil and broil and bake. i need look no further for inspiration. behold: the black metal cooking blog. calling your recipe "frostbitten molasses cookies entombed with ginger" is just genius.

remind me to call the caterer to make sure that there will be flaming cocktails, because i want to light my wedding dress on fire (it's not like i'll ever be wearing it again). also, i want the scorpions to be playing during the reception. also, i hope a dude in jeans and a tshirt whips it off so he can beat me, flames engulfing the many layers of fabric. best reception evah!

a thing of beauty: a tattoo of patrick swayze as a centaur.

cracked did a photoshop contest to reveal the truth about tattoos and most of them are pretty good.

mj just sent me this today: it's one of those tattoo slideshows, but this one is different. like, really low-rent and sad. it's a baltimore news station's contest for . . . well, i guess the best one. be sure to read the captions. the irish springer spaniel made me laugh. as did the wolf with the rose in its teeth. that pretty much sums up bad tattoos right there.

if you have a few minutes (seven, actually), watch this segment from THIS AMERICAN LIFE about the wiener circle, a popular late-night hotdog stand in chicago (whatever you do, leave cheese off of your fries and burger. their cheese is more like orange wallpaper glue). it is (in)famous for the fact that white drunk yuppies queue up to be screamed at by the black counter people, and insults and barbs ensue. i have never gone there for food at night because i don't want to get involved in that kind of scene, but i used to live nearby and would walk past it on my way home from the bar and heard some eyebrow-raising shit being screamed. the comments on this page about the video are interesting.

this is pretty much the best thing i have ever read on the internet: the travel diary of a maasai tribesman who went to london to run the marathon. best part: "I miss meat and blood very much. Not vegetables because they are food for a woman. There is milk here but blood is better because it gives energy. English tea with sugar is good and we tried Coco Pops, but the nicest food is croissants."

will try harder and post more often, empty promises, etc.

2008-05-08T15:25:00.004-05:00

i guess i have been too busy/distracted to bother blogging. sometimes i lose interest. i would tell you what i have been busy with, but it's not terribly interesting.
sp told me the best joke. it is:

q: how many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

a: well, the number is pretty obscure, so i'm sure you've never heard of it.

hahahahahha. she also sent me this list of what it means to actually be a hipster.

two of my fave gays sent me this article because they remembered that i am from the same shameful little town of hatred - AND they get to see it first-hand in october. poor dears.

i don't really have the time (today, at work) to watch these, but i hear that my boss is out tomorrow . . . it's the 50 best parody commercials. i have to say, the commercials have always consistently been the best thing about snl, and they are constantly referred to. the other night i had some sea bass and when i took a bite i commented to ag and pos "wow, that's terrific bass!" just like the super bass-o-matic 76 commercial. db and i say "someone's been wearing bad idea jeans" if we are disapproving of certain life choices. i say "colon blow" more often than you would think. taco town, and discussing the taco town meal (served in a commemorative tote bag with salsa) still makes me laugh. happy fun ball is rad. the best-ever is liberty robot insurance, for when the metal ones come, for sure. there's a ton on the list that i have never seen before, so i'm excited.

more creepy russian playgrounds can be viewed here.

ida mae russell sills' obit was written by her son and is touching, but odd (how's this for a zinger?: "Ida's marriage to Karl was a three ring circus, engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.")

i really don't want to talk too much about my upcoming wedding because, believe me, if the most interesting thing i have to talk about is that i am getting married, then i am a failure, BUT - i really need for someone to get this lovely decanter for us as a gift.

i really like this site - people submit photos of them as a child, and then one of them now in a similar pose.

i sincerely hope that these blog-related tattoos are fakes. jesus, people. oh, and don't forget this douche, too.

this made me very happy: someone wrote responses to a postsecret sunday collection. it's what most logical people would want to ask the very-nice-people-i'm-sure-just-what-the-fuck-is-WRONG-with-them artists.

okay, that's enough for now, right?

Logan Likes Mary Anne! (February 1988) - Logan and Mary Anne like each other.

2008-04-09T17:21:00.007-05:00

i got this link off of jacquoff: apparently, eating butterfish does the same thing to your ass as alli.

funny: cracked did a photoshop-the-worst-cereal-you-can-think-of contest.

cannot. escape. the. judging. it's sidewalk psychiatry!

mad magazine wasn't just for dopey kids - it's awesome that the nyt compiled this interactive fold-over collection that shows just how political and smart mad was.

i have watched this a few times this week already - file this link away as an all-time-best example of the randomness that is the internet. it's an excellent edited collage of dangerous and stupid (and some rather painful) things that have happened to reporters while on the air. grape-squashing lady is included, of course.

public service announcements don't have to be terrifying - they can be funny and charming, like this brit tv spot on watching out for bikers on the road.

pharmacy bar (favorite in world) turned 10 and i wasn't there to celebrate. tears. i'm headed back to town for work soon, so i can bask in its gorgeous glory soon enough.

i have talented friends, part one: ds got a poem published in autumn sky poetry and right hand pointing. ds, shouldn't that be called rooker hand pointing?

haha inside jokes are the best hahahhaa.

i have talented friends, part two: cd and zp have started a food blog, the bitten word, that features recipes and their experiences with them from the many cooking magazines that they subscribe to. i made the roasted asparagus last weekend and it was delish. i am really tempted to make the chocolate stout cake and secret-eat the entire thing by myself, cuz it looks too good to share.

kool: leaving a disposable camera on the sidewalk (tied to a bench with string) and asking strangers to take photos.

more beautiful randomness: a blog dedicated to listing the really bad outfits that claudia kishi wore. you know, claudia. from the babysitters club. her use of feathers and geometric shapes in primary colors was very influential to 1988 elementary school fashionistas.

best cross-promotional marketing campaign ever

2008-04-07T21:25:00.000-05:00

i was at the jewel on sunday, buying all the fixins for lasagna, and with the receipt came some automatically-generated coupons.

one was for alli, the fat-blocking drug that advises on its website "You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work."

the other was for cottonelle fresh flushable moist wipes. aka baby wipes for adults. aka perfect for wiping up alli's gift of anal leakage.

i guess the computer saw all of the cheese i was buying and decided that i was a good candidate for both products.

new stuff

2008-04-02T21:36:00.003-05:00

should try to blog more often, etc.

things i like linking to:

tattoos. here is a collection of knuckle tattoos and here is taking tattooing/body modification to a whole new retardo level (tattoo the whites of your eyes)

classiness. like this airbrushed truck (slightly nsfw, if topless ladies are a no-go)

the things that people do to occupy the little precious time that they have on earth. like collect and post bookmarks online. or take photos of your pre-packaged meal and post a comparison next to its advertised image, like this german project, or make a blue velvet-inspired cake, or carve their food to be cartoonish and kool.

surreally retarded websites. like this one, and this one. i think the same person made them. and then there's the "obama will" website, which i don't really get, nor do i think it's all that funny.

movies re-made for the cyberwebs, just to make us laugh. like jewno, and fight club as told by squirrel puppets.

speaking of squirrels: i fucking love them. i would totally adopt a de-clawed squirrel and let him hop around my living room. while they are dressed in seasonal costumes, of course.

a fun read: radiohead for dummies (part one).

because size six is disgusting: sweet valley high gets re-made for generation spoiledasstanorexicimplantskank.

depressing-as-shit: russian playgrounds.

how really smart people kill themselves: build a robot and make him do it.

it's gorgeous and historical and not just full of politician's hookers: i heart the mayflower hotel. i got to nap there once.

brilliant: pulp's "common people" illustrated through an archie comic.

please note that MY gangland memoir was not a hoax.

2008-03-17T22:07:00.000-05:00

i've been busy. other than the usual distractions from blogging (job, nightlife, sleeping) i have also been spazzing about planning a wedding. we set a date (oct 11), got a church (full-on catholic mass), found a venue (a 20-acre garden with a nice reception hall in the town i grew up), hired a string quartet (my requirement was, i shit you not, that they learn to play the verve's "bittersweet symphony" for when my dad walks me down the aisle), and we're meeting with a dj tomorrow. the dj is going to have to be imported up from chicago; this sample party planner is the typical wisconsin dj's idea of how to do his job. do i want him to play the hokey pokey and "wind beneath my wings"? well, thanks for asking first, i guess. all of the father/daughter dance songs are really creepy - "i loved her first"? "daddy's hands"? "butterfly kisses"? vomitocity: 11.

people always be sendin me some links and shit, yo.

from jk: dr steve brule is a wine expert, and a drunk.

from tk: the assimilated negro interviews the brilliant snark behind stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. i am happy that he seems like a thoughtful person, not like some bloggers, who, while funny, seem a bit lacking in the anger-management-skills and sell a lot of ad space: "this site pokes fun at ME. that's why I use pictures of myself. those aren't taken out of irony. this is the shit that I do. I need to call myself out for all of the stupid shit that I take for granted. why do I need $300 bike rims? why is a $10 sandwich considered normal?"

useless: an online quiz to find out what punctuation mark you are. when i first took it i was a , but now i am a ?. how :

i was never a fan of the coreys back in the day - i was a river phoenix fan, because he seemed so much more intelligent and talented. the giant cruel irony is that he's the one that died of a drug overdose, of course. have you seen the pathetic ad that "the haimster" (more like hamster - that dude is a fug rodent midget) took out in variety that is begging for work? he has totally busted meth face, and he couldn't even put down the cigarette for a photo shoot? he looks dressed to rock out to creed circa 1998. in response, tb sent me this video, one of his favorites, which features corey a good 15 years ago, totally slow on downers, where he explains that he has put his partying days behind him and he's in good shape and on the ball. is it common practice in LA for has-beens to produce ads that remind people that they're not dead (yet)? d.e.p.r.e.s.s.i.n.g.

jk sent me this "spot on" (to swipe a goode olde english term from the jolly good chaps - can you tell that i've never actually been to the uk?) celebration of jeff from coupling. what i like about that show is that it was a miserable fucking failure (FOUR episodes aired) on nbc, which used the exact same scripts as the totally awesome and celebrated bbc version of the show. it is the purest proof that americans "don't get" british humour. i really really hope that when little britain usa airs, it's just as funny as the original.

it really has gone too far: thanks to my ~~boyfriend~~ FIANCE pos for the depiction of the last supper featuring star wars characters. happy easter and may the force . . . etc.

it's shit like this that makes me love the internet: garfield minus the cat equals the depiction of one very alone man.

and it's shit like this that makes me love humanity: minnesota smokers found a loophole in the smoking ban where smoking in a performance is allowed. so if you want to light up at the bar, just wear a costume, or speak in an accent, or recite something. i'm pro-smoking ban but LOVE this.

they might be losers, but they're smart: failed presidential candidates discuss what's not being talked about enough.

good news for all of the jermajesty jacksons and pilot inspektors of the world: your name won't fuck you up (too much). your parents, on the other hand . . .

an awesome time-killer: word to your website.

a flashback to my last apartment building: an article on hoarders. delta burke had 27 climate-controlled storage units full of porcelain dolls? horrorshow! and a little hard to believe - i mean, do designing women reruns really pay that well?

strange and enjoyable: food fight video.

fantastic news: the metro, one of the best venues in chicago to see bands, is ditching ticket master. it's about time that monopoly got busted up - i am sick of paying almost $50 to see a band whose list ticket price was $27.50.

i probably would have rather seen the real "internet people" edited together for the song, but this is a strangely nostalgic animated video about all of the fools that we have forwarded to our friends over the past few years. btw, i still don't understand "it's peanut butter jelly time," and i'm still waiting to think it's funny. a clip of a morbidly obese child dancing to it only slightly improves its watchability. thanks for the link, sf - see you in hell.

pos is my han solo.

2008-02-28T21:53:00.001-06:00

well, i'm obviously giddily retardedly happy about being engaged to the man i love - thank you for all of your nice comments and wishes for us. i don't want to plan the wedding - i just want to be engaged for a little bit before i have to stress out about chicken entrees and flowers and how i'm going to do my hair and all of the picky little details that some women might relish but what i run away from. all i know is that i want richard ashcroft to play during the ceremony (like, him, not my ipod playing richard ashcroft) and i want a unicorn to whisk us away at the end of the night. our friends can tie beer cans with string to his tail and write "just married" in shaving cream on its back if they want.

when i called people to tell them the news, ecf was like "huh, i thought you were already engaged" (thanks for paying attention, friend) and was like "hahah, i'm looking at the new york times online and there's an article about wearing slutty wedding dresses!" thanks for the link, and thank you oh so much for surfing the cyberweb when i call you to tell you about the thus-far-happiest-moment of my life. TFA!!!!

here is some randomness for ya:

two food photo blogs - this one is a comparative analysis of fast food sandwiches, with photos from the ad and what it looks like in reality. super funny and gross. the other is from ab, a collection of reader-submitted photos and reviews of meals they get on airplanes. so simple and so weirdly fascinating. even

uzbekistan

airways serves food, which is more than I can say for

america

’s shitty bankrupt airlines. i wonder if japanese airlines offer pepsi ice cucumber.

those canadians really like their graphic and disturbing PSAs on workplace safety. here’s a new one, compliments of jk. americans don’t get all riled up about workplace safety as our friendly northern neighbors, but we love to freak out about meth – jk sent me the gross PSA here and awesome meth mouth warning here.

here’s a PSA of sorts. i love this so much. and i don't know why.

had i known that the bible was filled with such awesomeness, i might have actually read it during my weekly CCD class. thanks for being a steward of my faith, ab.

you want to know what's funny? dorky kids and their ridiculous science fair exhibits. rad rad rads. thanks for the link, rm.

having a hard time deciding if you really are stupid enough to be a republican or pussy enough to be a democrat? take this quiz.

ralph nader is gonna run again, blah blah blah. dude, you're kinda an asshole. i was in dc a few years ago, walking around on a gorgeous april day, like 78 degrees, and i saw a guy with a sour look on his face and wearing what appeared to be an overcoat purchased in 1978, and sure enough, it was him. i think that maybe he should get a girlfriend or become a big brother or something, and leave the rest of us alone.

is life is saudi arabia seriously this boring?

here's one of the best craigslist for-sale ads that i've seen.

vagina purses! but are they made of vagisoft fabric?

random and entertaining: quakers!

pos sent me this collection of star wars figures that look nothing like the character but more like actual people. speaking of which, cracked had this great list of the 10 biggest wastes of talent and number one is the star wars christmas special, which aired in 1978 and is legendary for how fucking stupid it is. someone cut it down into 5 minutes (embedded on the cracked page) and i think it's worth a watch, just to cringe at bea arthur singing along with the cantina band and to see chewbacca's family staring lovingly at harrison ford, whose too good for that shit. oooooooh did i love me some han solo when i was little.

job sent me that congratulatory ecard this week, and various people sent me birthday ecards - surprisingly, all of them were from someecards. well, not surprisingly - they're fucking funny.