A time for everything.

a little more than six months

2009-11-13T04:49:00.000-08:00

That's how long it's been since my surgery. A small part of me feels like I'm living out days I didn't think I would have. I know that seems dramatic, but when you face something like this your brain has to go there. I had to wrap my head around the possibility of not being here, of not having these moments. Knowing that I might not have been here makes this time so sweet. I like to think I lived this way before all the crazy stuff happened, but I probably didn't. I know the exact moment it all changed. David, Erin, Hayden, my mom, grandma, and step-sister, and me had all gathered at the pre-op waiting room (I missed the note about only bringing two visitors with me. Oops). It was very early in the morning and I had on my brave face. Then they called my name. I walked out the door and over to the receptionist who was the hundredth person to ask for my name and personal information. She handed me a pen and some papers to sign and told me to walk down the hall to the nurses station, give them my information, and tell them what surgery I was there for. I stepped back into the waiting room for a quick goodbye, hugged Hayden and Erin, and walked down the hall alone. It was the first time I was there alone, and the first time I really let all of the fear really hit me. For those few minutes as I walked down the hall alone I imagined what it would mean if that was the last time I saw my precious family. I imagined it so clearly that I swore I wouldn't take one more second for granted. It was then that I chose to make all the dreams floating around in my head a reality just as soon as I got out of that hospital. A few minutes later my family was in the prep-room saying goodbye with grandma praying over me and everyone giving me hugs and kisses. I knew then that I would be okay. Eight hours later I woke up in recovery. A hospital room never looked so lovely.

My take on mom's biscuits.

2009-11-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

Sometime around the age of ten my mom and step-aunt had a little baking war. Everyone loved my aunt's biscuits so my mom decided to refine her recipe. My mom spent many days in the kitchen trying and trying again until she came up with the perfect biscuit recipe. Later we found out that my aunt was using Bisquick all along.

Ingredients:
2 cups all purpose flour
1 cup shortening ( I like to add a little extra too.)
6 tbsp butter divided
4 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 tbsp sugar
1 egg
1 1/4 cups of milk or buttermilk

Preheat oven to 450 degrees

Step 1
Sift flour, salt, sugar, and baking powder in medium size bowl.

Step 2
Add shortening and 2 tablespoons of butter to dry ingredients. Using a pastry cutter cut the shortening and butter into the dry mixture until well mixed.

Step 3
Add milk or buttermilk and eggs and stir just until ingredients are well mixed. You don't want to over mix the batter because it will make your biscuits tough.

Step 4
Roll dough out onto floured surface and knead 15-20 times. Again, you don't want to over knead. Flouring your hands first makes this much easier. Pat the dough out until it is about 1/4 inch thick.

Step 5
Cut remaining butter into small chunks and place on top of dough. Flip dough over onto itself and pat out again. You can repeat this step as many times as you'd like. The more you do it the flakier the biscuits will be.

Step 6
Press your dough out one last time and cut using a biscuit cutter. Make sure to press down straight and not twist. You can use a glass if you don't have a biscuit cutter.

Step 7
Place biscuits next to each other in the baking pan. They bake a little higher if you have them right up against each other. Place biscuits in pre-heated oven and bake for 10-12 minutes

Step 8
Top with your favorite topping and enjoy! Erin loves hers with just butter. I like butter & honey or black currant preserves. Of course we're both fans of biscuits and chocolate gravy, and McDonald's has nothing on my bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit!

Boring you with more poetry.

2009-11-04T11:51:00.000-08:00

I just can't help myself. I'm reading this book and each poem stirs me. Each one is like a light being turned on in my soul. I read them and I remember something I'm not even sure I knew.

Aimless Love
Billy Collins

This morning as I walked along the lakeshore,
I fell in love with a wren
and later in the day with a mouse
the cat had dropped under the dining room table.

In the shadows of an autumn evening,
I fell for a seamstress
still at her machine in the tailor's window,
and later for a bowl of broth,
steam rising like smoke from a naval battle.

This is the best kind of love, I thought,
without recompense, without gifts,
or unkind words, without suspicion,
or silence on the telephone.

The love of the chestnut,
the jazz cap and one hand on the wheel.

No lust, no slam of the door--
the love of the miniature orange tree,
the clean white shirt, the hot evening shower,
the highway that cuts across Florida.

No waiting, no huffiness, or rancor--
just a twinge every now and then

for the wren who had built her nest
on a low branch overhanging the water
and for the dead mouse,
still dressed in its light brown suit.

But my heart is always propped up
in a field on its tripod,
ready for the next arrow.

After I carried the mouse by the tail
to a pile of leaves in the woods,
I found myself standing at the bathroom sink
gazing down affectionately at the soap,

so patient and soluble,
so at home in its pale green soap dish.
I could feel myself falling again
as I felt its turning in my wet hands
and caught the scent of lavender and stone.

I feel like this is what it's like to be alive and in the moment. You fall in love with everything around you when you are alive enough to appreciate it. Even the dead mouse becomes something to love.

creative costumes that cost less...

2009-11-02T06:45:00.000-08:00

I see no sense in spending loads of $$ on costumes. Growing up, I wore costumes that utilized what we had around the house. I think I was a gypsy for most of the Halloweens we got to dress up and trick-or-treat. ( My mom developed a crazy "Halloween is for the Devil" attitude when I was about 10 so we stopped celebrating Halloween.) My gypsy costume was an old broom skirt, my moms makeup and big hoop earrings, and a bandanna. It was fun and it worked!
This year Erin decided she wanted to dress as Alice from the Twilight series so we searched online for some costume ideas and decided on a dress with a black sweater, tights, and ballet flats. We also thought that dramatic makeup and flipped out hair would add the perfect touch. So we searched at Good Will and Salvation Army for the dress and sweater because she already had the shoes and tights, but we found nothing. I just happened to glance on the dress isle at work last week and found the perfect dress and sweater in the clearance section! I spent a total of $9.00 on the sweater and dress thanks to my employee discount. Erin was thrilled when I brought the treasures home! I think the results were fabulous!

Hayden's costume ended up being a bit tricky. I knew I wanted him to be a bear because he makes this funny "roar" noise all the time. I had some material I thought would be a great bear costume and planned on sewing something up, but ended up running out of time and energy thanks to a house full of sick people and two jobs. It was the day before the Parker Halloween Parade and I had nothing for him to wear. Again I scoured the isles of Ross hoping for something. I found a brown sweat suit that made the perfect base to his costume. To that I added a toilet seat cover. No, not the paper kind you sit on, the fuzzy fluffy kind that is popular with grandmas and aunts. I'm not really sure it has any viable purpose, but I found one for 99 cents and though it would make a perfect belly, ears, and tail. So I cut it up and safety pinned it on the brown suit and wala! For around $5.00 I had a costume for Hayden. I just slipped it over his clothes, added a little brown nose and freckles and he was ready to go. Again, the results were fantastic! The best part is, I bought the suit a little big so he can wear it this winter!

2009-10-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

Daily I drive the winding tree lined roads to work. There is so much beauty this time of year that it is all I can do to take it in. I watch amber leaves spin and swirl their way to the ground and I imagine that each one carries a secret message of love from God to me. In the mornings I take the back roads to my grandmas house. As I reach the top of one hill I slow the car to a crawl and watch as the dew settles slowly in the cracks and crevices of this piece of earth I call home. As I drive home in the evening the sun golden and warm glitters through the trees. I feel lucky to be alive and to be here in this time and this place. I read a poem recently by Lisel Mueller titled "Alive Together". The opening line is " Speaking of marvels, I am alive together with you, when I might have been alive with anyone under the sun,". Lisel goes on to recount a list of "others" that her life could have been and ends with this

"alive together with marvels and follies
and longings and lies and wishes
and error and humor and mercy
and journeys and voices and faces
and colors and summers and mornings
and knowledge and tears and chance."

For me, in this moment, it is enough to be alive together with you.

A quick post before work.

2009-10-24T08:19:00.001-07:00

I have to leave for work in exactly 45 minutes and I'm still in my pajamas. How's that for procrastination?
Life at the Jackson house is moving along. I'm always amazed at how quickly days turn into weeks, and weeks in to months and so on. We had dinner with grams and Ish last night. I made roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, steamed veggies, garlic bread, and pumpkin bars. With bellies full we played Phase 10. It took us three hours and we didn't even finish! Erin and Blake were talking pretty much non-stop about anything and everything. Grandma left the game somewhere around level four to put Hayden to sleep. She's been watching him for us while I work and she's developed quite a bond with him. He still cries when I leave him in the morning, but when I return he's all smiles and giggles. On Monday she's planning to take him to the Senior Center with her. I'm sure he'll love all the attention he's sure to get. He's a complete and total flirt especially with the ladies. He bates his long eye lashes and flashes his smile, already working his magic on the ladies.
David is enjoying his new job profusely. He works a normal 8-4:30 schedule and is off on the weekends and all holidays. What is not to love about that after working his previous crazy schedule? We love that he is home more. He's been busy making poker tables again. He just completed one of the coolest poker tables that anyone has ordered from him. It had a dealer cut out, chip tray, and money box. It was silver with black accents. Very cool! I'd upload a photo but we forgot to take one. We were up until 3:30 in the morning finishing the darn thing! He isn't taking anymore orders for a week so we can relax.
I am enjoying the job at JC Penny though I hate the sales part of it. It's a very fast paced environment and I'm learning how to think of poses on the fly. It's really great experience. I do wish there was a little more creativity involved in the use of the camera. I'm used to messing around with all of the settings on my camera to get the look and feel I want in a image. There is none of that in the studio.
Erin is sick with what she is convinced is H1N1. I'm not as convinced. She has a low grade fever, a little nose congestion, and a sore throat. Sound smore like the common cold to me, but I'm watching her closely and making sure she doesn't get any worse.
Hayden is a walking, babbling, screaming, eating, bundle of boy! He loves to be chased through the house and laughs hysterically if we even pretend to chase him. He loves the Wiggles! He even makes a motion to let me know he wants to watch them. I love them too. We dance together and sing with them. It's the best 20 minutes of my day. He also loves his new toy truck that my friend Karen go him for his birthday, and of course he's in love with his big sister. He lights up when she comes home from school. I'm trying not to be to freakish when it comes to what his learning and when. I don't like putting that type of stress on myself or him. He's talking baby talk and mimics our sounds. He pulls books from his book shelf and brings them to me to read. His favorite has all different kinds of textures he can touch. He feels them with his hands and then rubs his cheek with them.

Some photos of our recent trip to the punkin patch for your view pleasure. :) Can you believe it's been a year since he was all warm and cozy in his sling at the punkin patch?

Speaking to me..

2009-10-20T13:40:00.000-07:00

The Summer Day
Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

Everything about this poem speaks to me. From "pale forearms" of the grasshopper to the "wild and precious life". The part about not knowing how to pray and kneeling in the grass makes me think of you, A.

"What is it you plan to do with your ONE WILD and PRECIOUS life?"

Bonnie & Luke

2009-10-11T22:10:00.000-07:00

Editing when I should be sleeping.

Bonnie & Luke are a lovely couple whose wedding I will have the pleasure of photographing next summer. We visited Foxburg today during their annual Fall Festival. I was a little worried that the sun wasn't going to cooperate, you never know what to expect here in the fall. The leaves were stunningly beautiful! I notice the change daily and it always takes my breath away. What an amazing season!

2009-10-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

It is late and I am tired, but I don't want to go to bed. The house is quiet and that is a rarity. Hayden, is not pulling at my arm or demanding play time. Erin is not complaining about life in general. David is not sawing, drilling, or doing lord knows what while working on his latest poker table order. There is only the soft hum of the computer and the stillness of night. Even the crickets and bull frogs are quiet.

I am currently scouring ehealthinsurance.com for a new insurance plan. We received David's benefit information and it is through a provider my current surgeon and cardiologist don't accept. Unfortunately, my search is not showing a plan that matches the one offered through his job for the same $$. It looks like I will have to meet and adjust to a new cardiologist. This makes me more than a little sad. I've grown used to my current cardiologist and trust him completely. Luckily, I am through all the serious stuff. All that is left is routine check ups and seeing if we can figure out what is going on with this blood pressure! It's still rather high, 130/70 with medication, and my heart rate is still hovering around 85 with medication.

I have an engagement session and senior session to shoot this weekend. I'm hopeful that the weather will cooperate for both and I can get some pretty pictures. It's been a while since my last session and I'm really looking forward to being behind the camera again.

I'm also hopeful that we'll be able to squeeze in a trip to the pumpkin patch. I can't believe it's been a year since I dressed Hayden in his little pumpkin suit and paraded him through the pumpkins. I remember it like it was yesterday! He was so small and fit perfectly in his sling. I remember wanting nothing more than to be close enough to touch him forever. I still feel that way. At night I move him to our bed when he wakes up and enjoy holding him next to me. He tosses and turns, sometimes hitting his dad or me in the head or laying on top of us. So many people tell us he shouldn't sleep with us, but I ignore them. He will only be a baby for a little while. There are only so many of these moments to savor.

2009-09-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

Hayden's first birthday party was a success. Of course the combination of presents and chocolate cake is almost always a success. He plowed into his cake as if it were second nature. He must get his love of all things chocolate from me. :) He had a blast running away from us and trying to make it all the way up the steps before we caught him. He played with a few of his new toys and chased after balloons. And now he is sleeping soundly despite the noise from the power tools David is using to build his most recently ordered poker table.

In the middle of party planning and visiting with David's dad I interviewed for a new job on Friday. It's with Life Touch studios in the JC Penny portrait studio. I'm excited about the prospect of learning more about the studio side of photography. I had thought it would be a bland job where I place one kid after another in the same boring setting and click the shutter, but there seems to be much more creative license than I thought. The studio is full of props and back drops. I filled out the background check and as soon as that has processed they'll hopefully give me a job offer. The lady I interviewed with said she thought I was an excellent fit for the position. I'll wait to see what the hours are going to be like before I sign off at Ross. I enjoy my job there, but the hours are so few and they've been calling me off about once every other week. I need something a little more steady than that.

2009-09-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

For Hayden

You are on your way little man. Very soon you will greet the world. I wonder if either of us know what we've gotten ourselves in to. It helps me to know that we'll be traveling this path for the first time together, neither of us having been this way before. I hope that I will be enough for you, but never too much. I hope I can give you the wings you need to fly and not be afraid to let you use them. I have a million dreams for you, but they all boil down to one simple desire, your happiness. Whatever you do, wherever you go, I hope I can give you what it takes to hold on to happiness whatever comes your way. Life is a crazy, rough, beautiful ride. I hope I can give you the courage to hold on through the tough parts and the ability to pause and enjoy the beauty of it all.

love,
mom

I wrote this for Hayden hours before heading to the hospital and headlong into events I could never have imagined. It seems impossible that a year has gone by and that a year could hold so much of the crazy, rough, beautiful ride I spoke of in my note. I have never experienced such high highs and low lows in so close a proximity. At times the beauty and pain was so closely related that I didn't know if I was crying from happiness, sadness, or a combination of the two.
My hope for Hayden has not changed. I hope I can teach him to be happy no matter the situation he is in. I hope I can teach him to be strong and courageous. I hope he will enjoy life no matter what it throws at him.

2009-09-12T05:33:00.001-07:00

My friend, Elaine, has a wonderful post about turning 30 over at her blog, The Rest Of The Story. I thought I'd share it since so many of us are at or nearing that mark. It's an excellent post even if your well past 30.

It's a lazy Saturday at the Jackson house unless your name is Hayden or Mommy. The two of us were up bright and early. I've been going to bed earlier so I don't mind the early morning so much.

It feels as though Fall has arrived a few weeks early. The air has a slight chill to it this morning. Hopefully we'll have a nice fall and not get snow in October!

I'm looking forward to a hair cut today and time with my family.

2009-09-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

I'm being rebellious this evening. My house is a mess and I'm not cleaning it. I'm at least putting off cleaning it long enough to write this post, and the funny thing is I have no idea what I'll write. As I type Erin is eating a bowl of ice cream for dinner and Hayden is crawling towards me with tears streaming down his face. Erin won't give him any of her ice cream. These are the joys of parenting that no magazine can accurately portray.
The past week went by in a frenzy. Gina, Thomas, Jaliel, and Matias filled our home with their presence and at times their loud screaming and tantrum throwing. Life with a three year old seems to be a bit frantic! It's a good thing I have another two years before I have to gain any first hand knowledge. Jaliel and Matias are both cutie pies and it was great to have them here. We managed to make a trip to the Childrens Museum of Pittsburgh, Primanti Brothers for one of Pittsburgh's most famous sandwiches. It was delicious! We also attended the local Labor Day Parade, and had a wonderful campfire complete with smores with a small celebration for Jen's Birthday. The best part of the week was wine tasting at Foxburg Wine Cellars and desert at the Allegheny Grille. We also enjoyed chocolates from Divani Chocolates. Foxburg really is quite the tourist attraction. It's nice to have something like that so close to our tiny town.

In a little less than two weeks David's dad will be here and we'll be off on new adventures. For now David is finishing up his time at Wal-Mart and eagerly anticipating his new job. Erin is settling in to the routine of a new school year. Hayden is trying to adapt to life without two other kidlets running around. And I am reveling in the feeling of having booked my first wedding for next year!

2009-08-28T17:07:00.000-07:00

It's a scary thing to take a leap of faith and hope that something or one will be there to catch you. David took a new job offer. It pays less but it means he will work Monday through Friday 8:00-4:30 so he'll be home in the evenings and on weekends. The job is solid. He'll be a claims adjuster/damage appraiser for a not so local but very large car dealership. It's one of the largest collision centers in the state. The thought of having him home in the evenings is sweet, but the idea of stretching an already stretched budget even further has my stomach in knots. I did want to learn to live on less, but I think I wanted a more theoretical lesson and less of a real life experience. :) I will be working more to make up the difference and trying like hell to get this photography thing off the ground. It takes most of my willpower just to keep convincing myself that I'm not pretending to be a photographer. Putting myself out there like this is hard work, harder even than taking the photos. Who knew the voices of self doubt could be so loud and relentless?

Erin starts school on Monday. We're both looking forward to a year that goes more smoothly than the last. She and I had a long discussion a few nights ago about how the last year took turns that none of us could have ever expected. We all knew there would be huge change, but we never imagined all of this. Now, the surgery is behind us and Hayden has become a normal and necessary part of life. We've all adapted to new routines and schedules. We've taken on this new life whole heatedly and with that comes the hope that school will be much easier and the routine that was so hard to find last year will come more easily for both of us.

Hayden is almost a year old. Please someone tell me how that happened! He has a new found interest in dancing. From a sitting position he leans forward onto his feet and pushes up with his legs so he's standing strong and tall on his chubby thighs and then begins to bounce up and down. When he is feeling very brave he raises his hands in the air and giggles at his accomplishment. He also loves to sing, play peek-a-boo, bang, objects together, chase the cats while screaming very loudly, and oh yes, play with the computer mouse while mommy is trying to type long overdue blog posts. As I type he is scrolling up and down and has even successfully deleted the entire post twice.

2009-08-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

My grandma turned 76 today. The sister of four brothers, she ran away when the last boy was born refusing to accept the challenge of being the only girl. She grew up on a farm planting, growing, and canning her food. At the young age of 16 she married my grandfather whom she met at a dance. He walked her home and the rest is history. A mother of two daughters and just as many sons, grandmother to one boy and five girls, and great grandmother to three boys and four girls she's spent most of her life caring for children in some capacity. For me and I suspect all of my cousins she is the nurturer. Her hugs are like being wrapped in a warm blanked on a cold winter day. She is always the first to bandage an owie or mend a broken heart. She's been the matriarch of the family for as long as I can remember pulling us all together and keeping us close. I watch her with Hayden and my heart is so full. This is what I wanted for both him and Erin, to be with this woman who has so profoundly shaped my life.

With that comes the realization that I have not spent nearly enough time with my aunt and grandma over the past year. Yes, there have been quite a few things going on so I won't be too hard on myself, but I am going to commit to having Sunday dinner with them weekly. I'll have to check with them first. Their schedules tend to be busier than mine!

From thick bodied women

2009-08-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

I am from biscuits and gravy, from Crisco and cast iron skillets.
I am from the house with the rock garden, the house with the wood burning stove, the houses on 4th and 13th street, and the house that no one talks about.
I am from a handful of houses that overflowed with love and laundry.
I am from the fresh cut grass and the silver maple leaf, the well worn path and the woods behind grandpas house.
I am from watermelon chilled in the spring and fireflies in mason jars.
I am from Saturday morning cartoons, Sundays at grandmas house, and thick bodied women, from Ida, and Georgia, and Helen.
I am from generosity and an honest days work.
I am from be quiet in church and eat whats on your plate.
I am from Sunday school and summer camp, from bible study and early morning prayer.
I am from faith that has been broken and hope that there is more to the story.
I am from deep red clay, Cains Tea, and chocolate gravy,
from the woman who traveled from Texas to Arkansas in a covered wagon and lived to be 99 years old and the woman who ate lard by the spoonful.
I am from the dust covered memory filled chest, the card board box full of photos in the garage, and the album lined shelves in grandmas room, from pictures that tell the story in black and white and stories that have no pictures at all.

This was a fun writing prompt. Here are the instructions if you want to try it yourself. I loved thinking about where I am really from. It also made me think about what Erin would write here and what Hayden will one day write.

2009-07-31T20:15:00.000-07:00

Life is good right now. We are living on less that we ever have, but I'm doing what I love and that is worth it.
My recent trip to Virginia Beach with Jen and her sister Karen was unbelievably fun. It was a short trip, but we laughed almost the entire time! We ate some great sea food, listened to some good music, and played in the ocean. We all want to go back next summer and stay a little longer.
The job is strange. They went from scheduling me 10 hour days to only scheduling me one day a week. I'm not sure if that is worth the time and effort or not.
My tomatoes are HUGE! I can't wait for them to ripen up. The Dahlias are blooming. The black raspberries have all been picked. Life is good.

Just a glimpse into the silly antics I put my friends through.

2009-07-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

I think I'm so funny. Really. I make myself laugh all the time over the most stupid things. Yesterday Jen and I were in Hallmark looking through cards. I showed her a card and she asked me how much it was. I told her it was $2.99 and then added ..unless your Canadian. It's $3.99 if your Canadian. Then I dared her to tell the sales associate that she was Canadian and needed to pay more for the cards. She wouldn't do it though. Yep, I'm a dork.

2009-07-17T14:17:00.000-07:00

My sisters visit was so much fun. I don't think I can describe our relationship in words. We've been together since conception and it seems that no amount of time or distance can take away from our bond. We are literally like to halves that make up a whole. I miss her desperately and am so hopeful that she'll move back here very soon. This visit with her was exactly what I imagine life to be once she moves here, campfires in the evening, our kids running around like they've eaten an entire bag of sugar, and the two of us laughing just because it feels good to laugh.

Life at the Jackson house hasn't slowed down one bit. The new job is a job. That is the best thing I can say about it at this point. It's a brand new store and the kinks are still being worked out so I'm sure it will get better. The photography business is taking off slowly but surely. I'm having so much fun photographing families, couples, and weddings. My next wedding is this coming Thursday on the beach! I can't wait!

Hayden is growing as fast as ever. His two top teeth are coming in and they are adorable. He's so close to walking we're all holding our breath for those first few steps. He's also learned how to crawl up the stairs. Luckily he hasn't attempted it without adult supervision. Time for a baby gate!

Erin is enjoying the lazy video game playing days of summer. She'll be leaving with my dad, step-mom, step-sister, and nephew for a trip to Atlantic City, Six Flags New Jersey, and the beach next week. She's going to have an amazing time.

2009-07-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

My house is a hurried frenzy of children running this way and that and I love it. My sister and I went through old photos this morning and laughed so hard we cried. It feels good to feel this way again. I am thirty, still young compared to many. More of my life stretches before me than lies behind me and the future remains as big a mystery as it always has. Tomorrow my family will be here to celebrate Independence Day. We'll have lots of food and even more laughter and I will soak it all in. I will treasure each second because they will leave soon and I will miss them like crazy.

Because there are so many who need a good tickle.

2009-07-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

Not Yet Tickled

How did those priest ever get so serious
and preach all that
gloom?

I don't think God
tickled them
yet.

Beloved- hurry.

St. Teresa of Avila

2009-06-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

My small part of the world is so beautiful during the early evening hours that I want to swallow the amber glow of the setting sun whole. I wanted to capture the beauty of it on film today, but I was busy keeping Hayden from eating grass.
We sat in the humidity for a few hours today selling baby things at the community yard sale. By two o'clock we'd had all we could stand and decided it was time to swim. It was Hayden's first trip to the pool and he had so much fun. He kicked and splashed, tried to drink the water, and even went under water once. He came up coughing and laughing. I'm trying so hard to soak up all of these moments. They grow so quickly and I don't want to feel as if I've missed anything.

I don't think I've told you that I got a job. It's a part time job at my favorite retail store, Ross. I took it mostly because I want the discount, but also to help finance my photography business and to give our income a little boost. I also want David to feel like he has the freedom to look for another job. He's quickly becoming frustrated with his current schedule and long drive. He's put in a few applications and we're waiting to hear back. I hope he finds something with normal hours that is closer to home. I'll be sad to be away from Hayden, but it will only be for a few hours a day and my grandma will be with him so he'll be well taken care of.

I'm really looking forward to my twin being here next week. I have no idea what type of adventures we'll go on, but we always manage to have fun. She could really use your thoughts/prayers right now. I'm hopeful that this few weeks away will strengthen and renew her spirit for the road ahead.

On and on and on it goes.

2009-06-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

I'm still here. Blogging seems to be a luxury these days.
Hayden is crawling faster than I can think and loves to explore. I wouldn't trade these days, but I won't miss the constant run to keep up with him. He's growing so fast. Currently, he is waving hello, saying his version of "hi", bumping knuckles, and almost standing up. He still loves squash and sweet potatoes and is trying things like chicken and vegetable dinner, and spaghetti and meatballs, but isn't sure about those yet. He loves chicken (I'm guessing he gets that from me.) and bread. He's also a big fan of whatever I'm eating. He only has the two teeth still, but he loves using them to chew.
Erin is enjoying her summer. She's gone on a few ATV rides with her dad, is playing lots of softball, and is really looking forward to swimming when the rain ends. This morning she woke up with a big smile on her face and proceeded to share with me that she had the most wonderful dream in which she made out with a super hot guy. Yep, I bet you're all super jealous of me right now. Who doesn't want a completely hormone crazed teenage daughter?!?
David is working all the time. He's currently on the hunt for a new job and has a few good leads. He's looking for something a little closer to home.
Me? I'm feeling much better than I have in weeks. I drastically underestimated what having open heart surgery would do to my body and energy level. I even further underestimated what another sickness a few weeks after surgery would do to my psyche. I went through a little rough patch for about a week when I wondered why in the hell I put myself through all of that anyway, but now I'm feeling almost back to normal. I'm perusing the photography thing with a vengeance and have gotten great response from so many people. I have four weddings scheduled for this summer! My twin sister will be here in a few weeks and I'm really looking forward to having her and my beautiful niece and nephew here. The gardens are planted, the house is clean, the weather is wonderful. It's going to be a good summer.

The Scar

2009-06-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

I'm self conscious about it in a way I did not expect to be. It's visable above the top of almost every shirt I own. It is red and rises from my pale white skin snaking between my breast. I don't like that it's there for everyone to see. It tells a story I'd rather not be told until I'm ready to tell it. People see it and start conversations with questions like "Is that what I think it is? You are much too young for that!". One man saw it and welcomed me to the "zipper club".

love Monday morning

2009-06-01T05:49:00.001-07:00