Sleepy Conscience

Update

2009-11-04T22:18:00.003+04:00

Much has happened since the depressing post I put up last - festivals, a hectic vacation, gatherings and family get-togethers. All is well with the world again - well at least my world. For now.

If wishes were horses

2009-10-11T09:07:00.006+04:00

I'm the kind of person who dwells in the past. I love looking back, replaying events in my mind and looking at it from all angles.

When I left Hyderabad few years back, I left behind a life and friends that I had dearly loved. I was the first to leave the group and every time I called them I'd be green with jealousy even if all they were saying was how the maid was on leave and they had to do the dishes. I hated the fact that I was not part of it anymore. It took me a great deal of time to make a new beginning when I eventually did there was no looking back.

Two months after my return from SLC I am going through a similar phase. I am struggling to disconnect and move on. Struggling to make a new start. And this time there is also this gnawing feeling that I am not even sincerely trying. Social networking sites are making it worse, photo and status updates on orkut/facebook are constant reminders of what I am missing.
I don't regret my decision to come back. I did what I had to do. But I wish could look ahead and plan my future rather than worry about whats gone. I wish.

Conversations

2009-08-29T09:20:00.003+04:00

Them : We have to discuss this. Please let me know if 8:00 pm is a suitable time for you.
me : How about we schedule it in the morning, 10:00 am?
Them : No, I am not free. Please let me know if 8:00 pm is a suitable time for you.
me : Ok then, how about at 9:00 pm?
Them : I have a meeting. Please let me know if 8:00 pm is a suitable time for you.
me : Ok, it is.

----

Them : This is the design we came up with, please let me know if you have any suggestions.
me : Umm, it looks a bit complicated, how about we do this instead?
Them : No, it has already been approved and finalized by higher management and their higher management and by God himself. Nothing you ever say will make any difference, please let me know if you have any suggestions.
me : It looks good.

----

Four and 24 days.

2009-07-29T07:13:00.002+04:00

I forgot my blog's birthday! That too when it turned 4, old enough to realize the ways of the world. I have reached heights of self obsession - forgetting MY blog's bday where I rant about ME.

Appy b'day bloggy, I'm sorryy!

3rd year birthday post
2nd year birthday post
1st year birthday post
0th year birthday post

Sentimental fool

2009-07-29T07:02:00.003+04:00

That would be me. This is so typical of me. First, I complain when there is a big change about to happen in my life. Then I begin to love that change. And when its time to get back, I complain again.

I'll miss all of this. *sniff*

Now if you will excuse me I have some senti mails to send. See ya!

Escaping Reality

2009-07-08T19:00:00.005+04:00

Is that even possible? Can one pause time, take a break from life and escape into a world unreal? Yet, many back home tell me that I am doing just that by being here. I am not escaping anything. The people I've met, the places I've seen, the lifetime of memories I've collected, those strong emotions, they are real. Unfortunately unless you have reached the milestones set by others for you, no matter what you do or achieve is as good as doing nothing at all. They mean nothing. I should learn to care less but it makes me sad. And in the process of convincing others I wonder if I am convincing myself. This is real. How can it be anything else?

Live and Loud

2009-05-17T09:23:00.009+04:00

One of the first things I did after I had settled down was to look for listings of bands performing in town. I could recognize only 2 in the list, one was Travis and the other Keane. (It is ok if your reaction is 'who the hell are they'. I think worldspace (radio voyager) introduced me to both the bands. Look them up maybe you'll like their music) Anyhoo, I attended both the concerts. Travis performed to a smaller crowd and it almost felt like they were performing just for me. I had done my preparation well before they came to town and had grown very fond of their music. Frank Healy, the lead singer with his sexy Scottish accent and beautiful voice wooed the crowd. Even my friends who had never heard the band before ended up enjoying the whole night. This is easily one of the best live performances I have seen. Keane, I had decided to not go because I couldn't find company but changed my mind just hours before the show. A much well known band than Travis, this drew a big crowd. I did have a very good time but there was something amiss. I couldn't connect to them. And then, he (Tom) sang 'Somewhere only we know'. Beautiful, beautiful song.

Closer -Travis

Somewhere only we know - Keane

Live performances. Me likes. Makes me happy.

Bands/Artists I want to see performing live
- A R Rehman
- Sonu Nigam
- Shubha Mudgal
- Bon Jovi
- Green Day
- Coldplay
- Madonna

Will add more to this list, why cant I think of anyone else right now?

Las Vegas and The Grand Canyons

2009-05-15T06:10:00.003+04:00

What man with all his money can do what nature with all its force can. I'm impressed.

PS : there will be no pictures. You seem them before a million times already, haven't you?

For you to come back

2009-04-22T08:18:00.004+04:00

Living in the US creates an illusion of affluence. Life seems easier, money is good (especially when you convert to Rupees, heh) and it feels like there is always time to do things you want to. Even with the current economy and depression, people seem..whats that word-happy. I can see why people want to be here, it is this illusion that keeps everyone going. Back home in India, there is no escaping the troubles. They are constantly staring at you, it takes a humougous effort to look away and to be detatched.

Maybe I've got it all wrong, I haven't been here long after all. My friend tells me that I'm confusing living alone to living in the US. That my observations aren't accurate, reason why I like it here is because I'm on my own, there is no answering to anyone. I don't think so, I've lived alone before, in India it isn't the same. I've never been this busy in life and I've never enjoyed being this busy. As if I hadn't had enough to do, I've signed up for Kick boxing classes! I know this will all end soon and I'll have to go back to the life (which btw wasn't as bad as I make it sound). I hope I take back with me this enthusiasm and this energy. I hope I don't let the petty issues bog me down, maybe one need not be detached, maybe there is some middle ground one needs to find?

When I asked my eleven year old cousin brother what he wanted from America, his reply was 'For you to come back'. Sigh! While life here is good I must not forget things and people important to me. Will call him this weekend, I'm sure he wouldn't mind something other than just my coming back.

Sleepless in Seattle..

2009-04-14T04:06:00.013+04:00

...only because I stayed up late catching up with The Friend. Raven was missed muchly.
Daffodils at Skagit valley

Pike place market

Lake Washington

The Space needle View from top of Space Needle

Langley, Whidbey island

Possession beach, Whidbey island

2009-04-01T08:51:00.001+04:00

Stay hungry, Stay foolish...and perhaps selfish too?

Best Friends

2009-03-19T09:12:00.004+05:00

I get to meet a lot of people because I frequently move in and out of projects at work. Which is a good thing you might say but it is also increasingly difficult to keep up the friendship. The last time I made best friends was in Hyderabad, almost four years back. And only one later, no wait four more in the last four years. I need more best friends, not just friends.

Weekend in LA

2009-03-17T08:41:00.005+05:00

Itinerary :
Day 1 : Breakfast at Paradise Cove, Malibu, watched a few wild street performances at Venice Beach, went to Hollywood Boulevard, drove around Sunset Boulevard, walked along Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, attended a dinner party where I was the guest of honour!

Day 2 : Universal Studios, Shopped at Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica, watched sunset at Santa Monica Peir.

Interestingly the most fun I had on the trip was the dinner party, meeting new people and getting to know their views on the city. Most of them sympathized with me because I lived in Utah. I don't really mind, coming from chaotic B'lore the peace and quiet of Salt Lake City is suiting me. I guess I now finally got a glimpse of the real America, it is pretty but maybe only from a distance. Will try to visit LA one more time before I leave. Finally a line I came up with 'LA is what Mumbai could have been and Bangalore should have been'. Whatever that means.

Blogpost format courtesy Balaji

Thank you!

2009-03-08T09:56:00.007+05:00

This place has been kind to me so far. I've settled in. I've made friends. I have fun, sometimes I think way too much. I am lucky. Lucky to have a job in these times. Lucky to have found the people around me. Lucky to have gotten this opportunity. I am thankful. I really am.

Acclimatization

2009-02-25T08:15:00.005+05:00

Burnt ocra for dinner today. I am out of practice, not that I was a good cook but at least I never burnt food before :(. And whats with the taps here? Every single tap is engineered to make it as difficult as possible to for a newbie to figure out how to turn it on and why are there so many choices! I just want to buy cough drops to help me soothe my throat, don't waste my time throwing me a million flavours to choose from.

Few pics of the snow clad mountains. Havent been able to organize my thoughts well enough to put up a decent post, you will have to make do with this.

I want to hold your hand

2009-02-20T10:44:00.004+05:00

This song played in a loop on the flight from Paris to SLC and is now stuck in my head. New place and a new life, expect very many senti/predictable entries from a first timer in Amricaa.

Oh yeh, I'll tell you something,
I think you'll understand,
Then I'll say that something,
I wanna hold your hand...

Stepney

2009-01-14T17:01:00.006+05:00

You were introduced to Glue sometime back, now to introduce a new term called the stepney. Does it often happen to you that you have made plans for the weekend with someone and they got canceled at the last minute, thanks to the other party? There is a good chance you might have been his/her stepney. Meaning you were that person's alternate plan and his/her last minute cancellation is an indication is that his/her primary plan has worked. I often end up being people's stepney and am stuck at home sulking most of the time. Its not fun being a stepney. While I myself have an embarrassing record of canceling on people I'd like to believe they were for genuine reasons and I usually let them know in advance that such a thing might/will happen. The extreme opposite of stepney is the kind of person who gets invited everywhere. I know one such person and I envy him so very much. I don't think he has ever initiated anything yet he gets to go on the most awesome trips. I cant exactly point out what it is that he has but some people are just born as main tyres.

In other news, what a start this year has seen! All the enthusiasm and optimism that I could muster at the beginning of the year has now successfully gone down the stinking drain. Anyhoo don't be a stepney, demand for commitment!

2009-01-07T20:51:00.001+05:00

Have been advised not to blog today but seriously, what the fuck!

There's always a new start..

2009-01-02T23:06:00.004+05:00

Resolution for the year is to crib less and do more. Happy new year all you peoples!

The End

2008-12-26T22:35:00.000+05:00

What hurts most when a relationship is nearing end? Rejecting the other person or being rejected? Having been on the both sides I know it sucks either way. The guilt of being the bad person while you are the one rejecting and the downward spiral one descends into on being rejected. It never is easy.

Here is to another crappy year that is nearing end and hoping the next one will be better!

Kemmanagundi Day 2.

2008-11-22T15:23:00.015+05:00

Plan for day 2 was to go to 'Hebbe Falls'. They took us in jeeps on a 10km bumpy ride. Kemmanagundi literally means ditch with red soil. By the time we reached we were completely red. From there we set out on another 2 km downhill trek through a coffee estate and crossed three small water bodies to reach the falls. The sight was splendid! I hadn't planned to get in the water but it was very inviting and got fully drenched in the ice cold water. Back the same route in same jeep this time wet and tired, it was time to leave. What I fail to describe here is the awesome fun that we had every single moment. I guess its not just the place you see and the things you do that matter but the company that really makes the difference. And maybe because it had been so long since I had had such unbridled fun this trip will be remembered for a long time to come.

Kemmanagundi Day 1.

2008-11-22T10:35:00.010+05:00

So we did go on our trip, a beautiful hill station 250km from B'lore. Day 1 started with trekking to 'Z point' uphill. The guide kept saying it was an easy terrain, I beg to differ. It only got scarier as we took the narrow path leading up the hill (mini mountain rather),the view down wasn't helping either. One wrong step and you would go sliding all the way down to the jaws of death. With the guide saying things like 'keep to your right...I mean your left' I was sure I wouldn't be going back home after this. En route we stopped at a tiny water falls called Shanti falls. Plan was to reach the hill top to see the sunset, by the time we reached it was pitch dark and the moon was out. Though we were jubilant the thought of reaching back down in the dark was gnawing me. We took the same route back, I don't remember much except there were a lot of nervous laughter until the time we were fully safe. Tea and pakodas later they took us some 4km from base camp in the wild where we were to camp. Save for the bonfire there was absolutely no light, even the moon decided to hide, look all around one could see vast nothingness. Few games,laughter and a good dinner later we retired to the safety of our tents. Sure it was preplanned and there were lots people but this was by far the most adventurous day in my life.

Planning a trip and women at work

2008-11-22T00:59:00.000+05:00

I hate organizing trips or organizing anything for that matter. This time however I was desperate to travel, so I volunteered. People at work were excited about the idea of going on a holiday, all we needed was a plan. And a location of course. The guys wanted a place that served cheap booze (read goa or pondy), some preferred mountains while some preferred the sea. After much discussion we had come up with probable list of places to visit. Zeroing in on one place was turning out to be a challenge. I started my research, whichever place was most viable would be chosen. After about 2 days of googling, calling up travel agents, hotels and taxi drivers I finally found out a perfect package tour to a place none of us had visited. Planning the whole trip myself was turning out very taxing and this looked perfect. Whats best, even though this wasn't on our list everyone readily agreed. I was ecstatic. Agreeing on a place followed by choosing a date is the hardest thing when you plan a trip with many people. We had successfully managed to do both. It was a good sign, maybe we were going to pull this one off after all (I have a high failure rate when it comes to going on trips, don't blame me for making a big deal out of this). After the initial inquiry mail I got a reply from the organizers that kids below 11 weren't allowed. My friend who has a 3 year old son (who btw is very cute calls me chechi) was distraught. She asked me to choose another place instead. I wasn't willing to let go and tried my best to suggest alternatives. Maybe her husband could take care of him for the weekend? Maybe she could bring him along but stay away from the adventure activities? When she wouldn't budge I hinted that she should drop out instead of all of us canceling. When she didn't get the hint I gave her an option, I asked her to do all the hard work, come up with an alternate place, make the arrangements and convince others, if she managed to that I'd have no problems else she'd have to back out. It was an impossible task she gave up almost as soon as she started.

Compare the planning of the trip to a project, my friend a team member, I was being the mean old insensitive manager! Just because she had a family (she was the only one married in the group) I was giving her a tough time, hadn't paid attention to her needs and was asking her to step down from the project. All these years I have been bitching about my male bosses and how selfish they can get, how women get a raw deal and how it is doubly tough for women to survive in this industry thanks to bosses like them. Am I then a hypocrite?

Maybe the comparison is not fair. My friend was being unrealistic and I knew it. At one time she even mentioned about bringing along her in-laws. She was going to ruin it for everyone and it would have been a complete failure of the project...I mean the trip. I'd have to be the one to take the blame. Her being a woman or her being married had nothing to do with it. It was a tough decision but I had to act in the interest of everyone. As for the mean old managers who think married women don't make good employees, they can go to hell. I am going to plan another trip sometime next month that everyone can make it to, not because a good manager would do so, because a good friend would do so.

Bangalore's Anthem

2008-11-18T16:22:00.003+05:00

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a JAM  you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now
You're stuck in a JAM and you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It's just a JAM
This time will pass

Before you start protesting, translation to Kannada is in progress. Patience.

On being a loser

2008-11-10T10:46:00.004+05:00

Early this year I entered a poetry competition at work. I am no writer and certainly not a poet but I gave it a shot anyway. I figured that I probably had a small chance of winning because I was competing against my colleagues, how many software engineers wrote poetry anyway? I didn't win. But I wouldn't settle for it. They had only announced the winners, I wrote to the people who organized it to publish the winning poems so that everyone could appreciate it. Real reason was I wanted proof that the winning poems were indeed better than mine. They never responded. I then wrote to the winner congratulating him and asked him if I could read his work. He didn't respond either. I gave up after that but I concluded that there was something fishy. The winner knew the organizer perhaps. Or maybe he his work was not original and he had fooled the judges.

Yesterday we (we were a team of 2) lost at a coding challenge at work. I wont go into the details of how I think it was unfair and how we deserved to win. That will defeat the purpose of this post. What really happened was we ran out of luck, my partner thinks it was because God was angry with her. After the contest I called a friend who on hearing the news said girls cant code anyway. I wanted to murder him. Today my manager tells me he was expecting us win. It hurts. As you might have guessed by now I am not good at this losing thing. In this case what also mattered was who I lost to. Last month I lost a promotion to the same guy who won y'day. If he wasn't a good friend I would have hated him. It is not validation that I need, I know exactly where I stand. But I guess I was using this contest as forum to prove myself and it hurts because I failed at that. This might just be a silly contest but thinking about how I have reacted to all major setbacks in my life, I do exactly the same thing. I cry foul, I sulk and I mope and then I spring back to normal. I don't have a problem about the sulking and moping but I guess the crying foul has to stop. I might be wise and responsible but I still have some growing up to do. And I need to put a leash on my ego before it goes out of hand. That or I need to win more often ;)