The Daily Constitutional

We own the news

2009-08-27T04:58:00.002+08:00

Teddy Kennedy's dead. On the other hand, I've bought a new couch that I'm enjoying. Enormously.

A Yuletide Thought

2007-12-24T17:06:00.000+08:00

A marvellous letter to USA Today written by Cafe Hayek contributor, Don Boudreaux:

Even more predictable than the post-Thanksgiving appearance of shopping-mall Santas is the inability of pundits at this time of year to say or to write "commercialism" without prefixing to it the word "crass" - as we encounter in your pages today in Tom Krattenmaker's "The real meaning of Christmas."

I challenge this notion. Commerce is peaceful. It involves sellers working hard and taking risks to bring to market goods and services that consumers want to buy. No one forces anyone to do anything; all is voluntary.

What truly is crass is politics - that sorry spectacle of power-seeking ego-maniacs who, when not pronouncing platitudes, are promising to help group A by picking the pockets of group B. While commerce is honest, politics is duplicitous. While commerce is peaceful, politics inevitably pits citizen against citizen. Far more enlightened and ethical behavior is on display during any one day in a shopping mall than the most intrepid observer will find in a century on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Boudreaux

Merry Christmas!

(H/t Samizdata)

Howard's End

2007-11-26T18:54:00.000+08:00

Unsurprisingly, John Howard and his conservative coalition lost Saturday's federal election in Australia heavily. It also looks like Howard will lose his seat - a sitting Prime Minister has only ever lost his seat once in Australian political history. On a personal level, his passing is somewhat of a melancholy event for me. I first started taking a strong interest in politics from the age of about 13. Howard was elected when I was 15, so for many years he has been a political figure of very close scrutiny and interest for me. Thus, the "end of an era" aspect is a little sad, and I think that despite the kind of doublespeak people in his former position often need to talk in order to Keep Everyone Happy - or at least keep the minimum amount of balls in the air - he is quite a decent and humane man. He genuinely had the "common touch"; not in the charming, polished, stage-managed way that impresses the media and the elite. He was less of a "gather a media entourage and head to the nearest working class pub to have a sham beer'n'bellylaugh with some rough men in singlets" type - ringing up a late night radio station talk show after he'd clearly had a few too many beverages was more his style. His uncontrived ordinariness, often verging on folksy, is a rare commodity amongst politicians of his seniority - and it is something I will miss.

Having said all of that, we should not get too sentimental about his defeat. John Howard and his party are no friends of small-government types like myself. Many of his party's major reforms, whilst bearing objectives which most in my camp would consider a step in the right direction, were implemented with a liberally (pardon the pun) spread layer of added regulation. Consider the tax code which, after eleven years of ongoing "reforms", stands as an epic bureaucratic tome defying compliance. Or the recent industrial relations changes, which somehow made a fiendishly complicated system even more so.

Certainly, Howard can accurately claim that Australia became richer and more economically stable whilst he was in office. Nevertheless, he and his team should be remembered as big-government conservatives, and Australia is more prosperous today in spite of his government's efforts, rather than because of them. My only regret is that his successor is likely to be even more meddlesome.

The Evil Empire

2007-08-21T23:37:00.000+08:00

No, not that Evil Empire - the other one!

God, there are some fucking stupid people out there.

(Found on this Samizdata thread)

What Is Wrong With These People?

2007-08-14T12:58:00.000+08:00

It's a segment teaching children not to be cruel to animals, featuring a leading character from the show cruelly manhandling and tormenting animals - whilst the background laughter of children is heard in response to his despicable antics.

The more aspects I see of the society in Gaza, the more I understand the Israeli desire to quarantine it.

(Via LGF)

Obama Unravels

2007-08-03T01:41:00.000+08:00

Fresh from his humbling at the hands of Hillary Clinton and following on from a statement indicating his willingness to invade Pakistan, Barack Obama ladles on credence to the increasingly ubiquitous assertion that he's inexperienced: I think it would be a profound mistake for us to use nuclear weapons in any circumstance...involving civilians. Let me scratch that. There's been no discussion of nuclear weapons. That's not on the table.
Desperately wrong answer to (what should be) a deal-breaking question, Mr Obama. Sure, waving the threat of one's nuclear weapons capacity around like a pair of chopsticks in a cheap Chinese restaurant is not sensible, because it ultimately reduces that capacity's deterrent value - which is the only practical reason why a sane nation would field a nuclear arsenal in this world of other nations who also possess The Bomb. A wise leader does not even refer to his country's nuclear weapons capacity, because the widespread knowledge of that capacity speaks for itself more effectively than any politician could ever hope to.

Conversely, it is sheer lunacy for a US President (or hopeful) to declare that he will never press the button, because such statements completely undermine the deterrent value of these weapons. Mr Obama, if you are not running on a platform of nuclear disarmament, you never take the nuclear option off the table. Ever. You made a most elementary strategic blunder - you are not a suitable candidate for the role of U.S. Commander-in-Chief.

I Can't Read Comments!

2007-07-30T01:07:00.000+08:00

Hello, dear reader(s). I see a few comments accumulating in some of my recent threads. This is really annoying, cos I want to know what you're saying, but I can't read your learned musings due to the fact that Blogspot blogs are inaccessible in China! I'm not sure if I should switch on comment moderation so that I can read comments. What do you think? Leave an answer in comments.

If Global Warming Is Real, It Is Now Inevitable

2007-07-28T16:22:00.000+08:00

I am currently in Beijing, which is up there amongst the most polluted cities in the world. Beijing's summer days are characterised by heavy cloud cover, which traps the unsightly gaseous consequences of China's lightning-fast growth. The sun usually becomes discernable at around 4pm, when a golden-brown orb peers timidly through the haze. Being more acquainted with the brilliant Australian sun, for a split-second I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking at when I first saw its rather diminished Chinese incarnation.

In such circumstances, I have been thinking a lot about the "carbon footprint" of countries in the economic vanguard of the developing world - countries like China and India. Firstly, I should mention that l classify myself as a "global warming skeptic", due to the evangelical, anti-science and frequently absurd rhetoric that typifies global warming activists of all stripes. I am not a complete denialist - I have not written off the theory of anthropogenic global warming entirely. I simply believe there is an awful lot we do not yet know, and it is rash to be making grand predictions about impending weather-related catastrophes, and demanding action based on such flawed predictions. If, however, I was to reconsider my position and embrace the concept of AGW, I would still not champion the Kyoto Protocol or any other effort to reduce carbon dioxide emissions.

The fact is that if AGW is a genuine phenomenon, it is inevitable. There is absolutely no point in the rich world winding back its CO2 output, because China, India and the rest of the developing world will replace any first world CO2 reductions several times over. Despite the occasionally placatory noises about limiting CO2 emissions heard from the likes of the Chinese central government, the fact is that the Chinese, the Indians, the Russians, the Brazilians, nor anyone else from the developing world will ever stymy their nations' opportunity to develop by hobbling their industrial output via significant CO2 emissions controls. Nor are the leaders of these countries likely to do anything to incur the wrath of their citizens by curtailing their perfectly reasonable aspirations to own motorcars, motorcycles, air conditioners and enjoy the convenience of air travel - all enormous direct or indirect sources of CO2 emissions. If significant CO2 reduction could be achieved with minimal economic and social cost, then perhaps the developing world would cooperate. However, large-scale CO2 reduction is an extremely expensive and socially disruptive exercise, and this reality will persist for several decades.

And it is too late to roll back the clock - too many people in the developing world have tasted the fruits of development, and quite legitimately demand more. Those governing the aspirational billions are far more likely to be influenced by them than An Inconvenient Truth. Global CO2 emissions are going to continue to grow for many years, there is no doubt about it. The "global warmenists", as the mighty Tim Blair calls them, need to re-evaluate their positions, because what they propose at present is simply an exercise in developed-world wealth destruction on an epic scale. Those insisting on such a state of affairs appear little short of anti-human luddites, as detractors of the green movement have long asserted. Bjørn Lomborg is spot on - any resources allocated towards the AGW issue should be directed towards researching crisis management and developing an appropriate disaster-relief capacity under the circumstances of rapid climate change, even if only as an insurance policy. And the absolute last thing we in the developed world should be doing is hampering the wealth-creating organs of our societies in a futile effort to cut CO2 emissions. If AGW is truly the looming catastrophe that many predict, we need to be as wealthy as possible to plan and make provisions for its impending consequences, and thus deal with them when they start to unfold.

Gravity Is Not Their Friend

2007-07-25T08:31:00.000+08:00

Iiiiieeeee!!!! My eyes!

(Via a decent blog cursed with perhaps the blogosphere's most moronic commentariat, Little Green Footballs)

Smooth

2007-07-20T17:02:00.001+08:00

.

Now you know how I won this perty lady over.

Can't Believe I Missed This!

2007-07-15T21:01:00.000+08:00

Hilarious:

Love the hippy dude - "I study physical economics (what tha hell is that?-JW), astrophysics and also classical music (!-JW) under Lyndon LaRouche (!!!!!-JW)..." Wow - I'll bet those academic credentials will see all the blue-chip employers throwing open their doors in awe. That young man has a bright future. And we're all aware that Lyndon "Polymath" LaRouche is an ace scientist and economist, but who knew that he's also a musical virtuoso? That man should run for President...

And what's the deal with the first guy? Is he a creationist, what with all that banging on about carbon-14? Yet I thought they aren't down with radio carbon dating 'cos it proves that the earth's older than 5000 years (or thereabouts), which is when they reckon god created it? I'm confused!

Incidentally, I'm now in China and I can no longer view my blog. China blocks the Blogspot domain, which means I might slow the currently hyperactive updating of my site.

Kiss My Free-Speakin' Arse...

2007-06-27T18:01:00.000+08:00

...if anyone reads this post and subsequently feels like killing/injuring/damaging/burning someone (ie. me) or something, that is.

I see many excitable members of the Religion of ~~the Perpetually Pissed Off~~ Peace have taken to burning the effigy of our glorious Head of State in response to Salman Rushdie's recent knighthood. What can I say - I am outraged! I am appalled! Actually, as a ("direct-elect") republican, I couldn't give a crap! Still, I need only the slightest of pretexts to tell these simian arseholes (and their like-minded cousins, boosters and assorted enablers) to eat this:

Yeah, it's kinda juvenile. And no, no one's learnt anything from the above. But it made me smile. And it'll make all the people I love to see pissed off really fucking pissed off, if they get around to watching it. And that's good enough for me.

(Lifted from Gates of Vienna)

Thoughts On The Vietnam War

2007-06-11T23:57:00.000+08:00

When travelling through communist Vietnam, I am continually surprised to discover just how many of my fellow travellers manage to miss the fact that the North conquered the South, preferring the "no wonder they went communist with the bastard Americans stomping on the oppressed masses of Indochina" take on history. I feel pretty confident in saying that most Southerners in 1975 didn't want to labour under the yoke of Northern communism, despite the unpleasantness and gross incompetence of the regime in Saigon - which I believe was the primary factor contributing to the South's defeat, as opposed to the widely-peddled myth of Northern military invincibility.

The North's path to victory was simple - they simply had to expend their resources carefully and dig in for a long war of attrition. In military terms, I don't believe overall Northern strategy and tactical prowess was anything more than mostly competent throughout the conflict. In fact, the two great conventional battles instigated by the North both ended in failure for the Communists. Firstly, consider the Tet Offensive. In this comprehensive rout, the Viet Cong force (the Communist guerillas based in the South) was virtually wiped out. Still, it's a battle that's spun as a great military victory in Vietnam (and throughout much of Western history) today. Needless to say, I haven't met a single Viet who's able to provide an adequate reason as to why, if Tet was such an overwhelming military success, it took a further seven years to conquer the South.

The Easter Offensive conducted by the North in 1972 also ended with Northern strategic objectives stymied - thanks to overwhelming American aerial bombardment of the North, rather than anything the hapless South could manage. It should also be noted that the eventual fall of Saigon in 1975 was a relatively benign affair as far as national coups de grâce go -the North made some pretty minor prods at a few Southern positions in early 1975, which capitulated with surprising haste. Within a few months the rotten edifice in the South had collapsed and was simply ploughed into the ground by the North.

To win the war, the North had to be the most committed combatant - not such a tough ask when your native opponents are led with such breathtaking incompetence, and their foreign allies are subject to the fickle whims of the democratic process and a hostile media. That's how the North conquered the South - not via overwhelming military genius and bravery. They simply had more staying power than the Americans and a vastly more disciplined political and military leadership than their counterparts in Saigon.

Okay, rant over.

Sundry Thoughts On Irrelevant Issues

2007-06-08T12:14:00.000+08:00

So howsabout Vlad the Impaler's latest proposal to avert an American plan to install a missile defence shield in Eastern Europe?

Not a bad gambit by Putin - looks like a sound compromise in theory - however I'm quite sure the Yanks won't bite. The Azerbaijani radar base in question is reportedly a Soviet-era clunker and will require extensive refitting with lots of fancy American gadgetry (that's probably several generations ahead of the best the Russians currently field) if it's to serve the Americans' stated purpose. And if it's going to be jointly run by the US and Russia, I expect the Yanks will baulk at the risk of technology transfer to a nation that could well grow into a role of strategic opponent of the United States.

Still, smart move by Putin. Makes him look like a peacemaker, and an American refusal will easily be portrayed as belligerant obduracy.

Okay, we're now returning you to your scheduled programming - the test pattern. Enjoy!

No, We Aren't Married

2007-05-29T20:51:00.001+08:00

FYI.

The Big News

2007-05-29T20:24:00.000+08:00

For further information, click here.

Hiatus

2007-05-27T23:15:00.000+08:00

As you've probably noticed, I haven't been writing much here. That's because I've been working on something BIG. Earth-shattering, even. Well - it is for me. Details to follow shortly.

Addition To Blog

2007-05-06T11:07:00.000+08:00

As you'll all have noticed, I've added a Pajamas Media Presidential Straw Poll widget to the site. Vote early and vote often! Since I'm sitting around waiting to catch a plane to Hanoi, I may as well toss my two cents into the mixed metaphor.

Namely, WHY THE HELL IS THE STUPID REPUBLICAN BASE GETTING ALL EXCITED ABOUT THIS FRED THOMPSON CHARACTER??? Are the Repubs so desperately sentimental about the halcyon Reagan days that they'll transform any old nobody into a star contender for GOP candidacy - as long as that particular nobody tenuously shadows some elements of the Gipper's bio? Does anyone actually know what Thompson stands for? Yeah, he had a short and unspectacular Senate career. Yes, we know he played a bunch of minor roles in movies and, more recently, had a major part in the TV drama Law & Order. Hey, spose that makes him a sort of Hollywood celebrity! When Reagan was running for presidency, he was a sort of Hollywood celebrity! Thus Thompson = Reagan, right?

Dear lord, you idiots. Ron Paul's your man - not that it'll happen, although according to this he did well in the recent Republican candidates' debate. There's (exceedingly slight) hope yet of a libertarian President in the Whitehouse in 2008.

Funny Asian Brands

2007-05-03T19:47:00.000+08:00

Okay, this is going to be a regular topic on The Daily Constitutional - there's a LOT of rich material to cover!

Goon nappies/diapers - unfortunately, the infant pictured on the front of the box did not look nearly goon-like enough to tempt me to change brands. I'm sticking with Huggies for this trip.

Pacifist ceiling fans - yeah, it says that now but look how sharp those blades are!

Bach Ma bottled water - now this may seem innocuous enough, but take a closer look at the label. "Bottled by T.T. Hue Water Supply and Sewerage Company". Somebody really needs to tell these guys that including the word "sewerage" on any part of a purified water bottle label is not what would traditionally be considered effective marketing.

And there's plenty more where that came from. Standby...

Vietnam

2007-05-01T14:46:00.000+08:00

I love seeing a country for the first time. Usually this takes the form of a glimpse at the ground through the clouds, afforded by the aircraft you're in banks steeply. On this occasion it was neatly demarcated fields interspersed with glinting ponds. Hello, Vietnam.

So I land in Saigon. What's the first thing I buy? A bottle of duty free Armani cologne. Western candyarse. Damn - probably could have bought it more cheaply in Malaysia. Make that a tight Western candyarse! Somewhat embarrassed by such extravagance at the start of what is meant to be a relatively spartan backpacking sojourn, I headed off to the dodgy backpacker district for a bit of self-flagellation in the form of an ugly hook to hang my hat on for the next few days. These sorts of guest houses have been perfectly adequate for my needs in the past, and they're also good for meeting up with other travellers. Not so in Saigon. Here, cheap accommodation tends not to be shared - there are no common areas which makes interaction with one's fellow travellers difficult. This is a pity, because I was quite keen on hitting the town in the evenings but am not so keen on rocking up to clubs on my own. So after traipsing around the obligatory tourist circuit in Saigon (Reunification Palace, absurdly biased "War Remnants" museum etc), I complied with my cardinal travelling rule - if thou is not having fun, it's time to get thy arse outta town.

So off I went to the Mekong Delta. At the bus station in Saigon, I bumped into a Viet student who was keen to practice his English on a captive foreigner. Tung was a nice guy. Turns out we were heading in the same direction - I was heading down to Mytho, gateway city to the Mekong delta, which is also where his family lives. Next thing I know my evening and next day was being organised for me. He called his mother with news that a foreigner would coming to stay for the evening. His mother subsequently called every member of their extended family with the news, and suddenly I had about fifteen meet-and-greet appointments over the next 30 hours or so. This turned out to include his parents (of course), both grandmothers, three aunties and one uncle and their children on his mother's side, two aunties and three uncles on his father's side and several of his friends. None spoke English except Tung. There were a few amusing, if slightly surreal, moments. For some reason, southern Viets go to Mytho to get hitched, and consequently the wedding industry there is big business. Tung's mother and her sisters all own wedding costume hire shops, so I found myself trucked around to various relatives to drink tea and attempt communication, each time surrounded by hundreds of gaudy wedding dresses and monkey suits on hangers. Weird.

The next morning, Tung and I headed off to the nearby town of Ben Tre to meet his father's side of the family. One of his Aunties owns a roadside coffee shop which is also the home of his grandmother. After the tour of the premises and the family meet-and-greet, Tung and I were at a bit of a loose end. It was suggested that a trip to the local karaoke bar might be in order. I must say, singing New York, New York at 9am on a friday morning isn't something I ever saw myself doing, but what the hey.

I wanna wake up in the city that never sleeps...

Yep, sounds like Ben Tre all right. I made several attempts at Elvis and Sinatra numbers. The karaoke machine we used had some software built into it that gave the singer's performance a percentage mark. Amusingly, I cracked the top score for murdering The Lady Is A Tramp, despite ad-libbing most of the melody and having only a vague recollection of the lyrics. After this triumph, it was back to Grandma's for lunch to celebrate. I was assured that she was an excellent cook, which she undoubtably was - I thought the flagship dish (served in a large bowl) would be sweet, but it tasted like a mild curry. It looked exactly like white wrist sweat bands suspended in translucent purple liquid - the principal ingredient was some kinda weird fruit. Anyone who can make something looking like that taste good must be an excellent cook.

Then it was off to visit more rellies and be force-fed everything from coconut milk drank out of a coconut cut from the tree before my eyes, to rice spirit straight out of the still. It was great to see a part of the countryside most foreigners would miss, and naturally I handled this whistlestop tour with unflagging grace, but by the end of the second day on the campaign trail (or so it seemed) with Tung my unflagging grace was, well, starting to flag. On the inside, anyway. So it was quite a relief to be deposited at my hotel to continue on with the journey.

I desperately wanted to boat down the Mekong, but I didn't want to go on a group tour. I asked the hotel receptionist for assistance, and she called up some dude with a boat. That's a good start. I'm interested. Let's go and see this boat. It inspired me to write a song in its honour - I think I'll call it Not Sinking, Sailing. I had a few misgivings about the...erm...riverworthiness of the vessel, but the guy had me when he told me that Westerners never take this kind of boat. Hah! Who's the candyarse now??? Here's proof that I have the lowest standards of you all! Still, those of you who've seen the bathroom at the shared house I used to live in probably are already aware of this fact.

So, after a minor mishap when the boat almost capsized from the wake created by a small boy doing doggy-paddle alongside us, we were off! The guy wasn't kidding about Westerners not taking this route - we stopped at villages along the river where they wouldn't have had Occidentals there since before the Yanks pulled out. Heads turn pretty hard when someone like me wanders into such an overwhelmingly Vietnamese world. Happily, the Vietnamese are very friendly. I went to a roadside bar, and everyone wanted to buy me a drink. Once again, it was nice to see a side of Vietnam that most travellers wouldn't. That evening I had one of those "Thank God I was here" moments. The sun had set and the light was fading fast. We were motoring down the Mekong. The drone from the boat's outboard motor - a curious-looking device employed by many river craft in this part of the world, resembling an extra long whipper-snipper - was starting to grate. I put on my headphones and played the sublime remix of Nina Simone's Feelin' Good, found on the (highly recommended) Verve Remixed compilation. In the far distance, an electrical storm punctuated the twilight horizon. A whole manner of river craft, from small sampans to huge rice barges, slid past - all rendered silent by the aforementioned aural splendour. There and then, the significance of time and place hit me; I was in a small boat sailing down the Mekong, one of the world's great rivers that provides for hundreds of millions. And Mother Nature was putting on some performance. It was a moment I'll never forget.

My boatman (who spoke English) agreed to deposit me on a bus that would take me to the port city of Rach Gia, on the edge of the Gulf of Thailand. This is where I planned to catch a fast boat to Phu Quoc island. He was as good as his word - a bus heading to the ocean was flagged down and my pack and I were crammed into it. Not a problem - I was surrounded by grinning Vietnamese who, despite the fact we clearly didn't share a common language, chattered away at me. I babbled a bunch of nonsensical English back at them - this farce eventually degenerating into a sing-a-long. (I guess they'd got word of my recent triumph at the karaoke bar in Ben Tre.) Vietnamese songs, of course. Not a problem; I improvised the lyrics, causing much hilarity amongst my travel companions. Turned out to be a good way to pass the time - I was soon at my destination, where I booked a ticket booked on the somewhat intimidatingly-named Superdong boat, bound for Phu Quoc.

When arriving at the dock, I have to say that the Superdong looked superdodge. Still, at least it was superfast. A ferry takes eight hours to chug between Rach Gia and Phu Quoc; the Superdong completes the journey in two and a half. It was great to be on Phu Quoc - the island operates at a noticeably more relaxed speed than the relatively relaxed Mekong delta communities. And it's quite beautiful and hilly, in a tropical island-type way. Upon landing, I immediately hired a motorbike and roared off to explore. Most of the island's roads are unsealed and are pretty abysmal in places, and I reckon I must've covered nearly all of them. That poor bike copped a thrashing over the six days I had it. I certainly visited every village. The people outside the major tourist hub of Duong Dong rarely see foreigners, and are incredibly friendly to outsiders. I was constantly smiling, waving and shaking hands with people in the villages - felt as though I was running in 2008. Move your big arse over, Hillary.

And then there're the beaches. These are fine, but not great. They're marred by a fair amount of rubbish that is washed up or simply tossed aside as soon as it's created. I remember one morning, in an atypical fit of environmental zeal, I picked up all the rubbish on the beach belonging to the resort I was staying in - much to the bemusement of my Vietnamese hosts. Crazy Westerners! They were right; the next day, a new sprinkling of garbage had started to accumulate. Talking about atypical behaviour, I also got down to some outdoorsy type stuff that I wouldn't normally do, like snorkeling. My guesthouse lent me a mask with snorkel and some flippers. The mask and snorkel set looked like something the French thought was too crap to take with them when they bailed out of Indochina in 1954, and the flippers were at least two sizes too small. My somewhat unimpressed memory of the event may have been tinged by the inadequate equipment, but perhaps snorkeling sights are not Phu Quoc's forte - hey look! Brown rock...and there! Brown coral! And what have we here? A small silver fish! Swimming near someone's hat! Still, I had fun making ASDIC (anti-submarine warfare sonar) pings, then picking up rocks and pretending to depth charge fish - you know, just like in that movie Das Boot! You know, the sort of thing everyone does when they go snorkeling. After a couple of hours, this became boring and I headed back into shore to finish off the rest of the glue stick I'd started sniffing earlier that day.

After six days or so, I caught the boat back to the mainland, tanned and relaxed. At a restaurant near my hotel I met Toan, another student keen to practice his English on a live subject. I was planning to leave town that night heading for the big smoke, but didn't fancy the prospect of arriving in Saigon at two in the morning, so I decided to delay my passage to the following morning. Toan grabbed this opportunity to show me the town's fancy new shopping centre. I didn't want to buy much beyond a razor, but Toan was very interested in some hideous deodorant spray that's apparently being promoted on high rotation on Vietnamese commercial television. I pretended to like the smell of it (it was truly awful) and bought it, then later gave it to him. After, I bought him a pizza at the centre's restaurant - he hadn't had pizza before. All of this generosity - which set me back about $6 in total - made me the honorary son of Toan's parents. They didn't speak English, but we managed to communicate moderately well using gesticulations and a Vietnamese-English dictionary. Both the mum and the dad tried on their son's new deodorant spray. They wanted me to stay for a couple of days so they could drag me around their extended family, though I politely declined (been there, done that, thanks all the same). Geez, trophy Westerners really mean something here. Still, I compromised somewhat and agreed to leave at midday instead of early morning so I could watch Toan and his mates play a high-stakes game of soccer.

The game, which they won via a penalty shootout, was the penultimate match of the season. If they win the final match, the guys stand to get their mitts on a 400,000 dong (about $30) bounty. Even when split between eight, this is a sizeable amount of money for the average Viet 18 year old. So there was quite a lot riding on the game. I was glad to see that the Vietnamese have their own version of the Little Athletics parent - the sponsor of the tournament (who's gunna cough up the prize money) was out in force. You know those blokes that dress up in designer sports gear for these types of events, but look as though their pulse hasn't crept above resting rate for at least a couple of decades? Well, this guy looked like that. Oh, he also looked like Kim Jong-il. I'm guessing he had a son playing for the team opposing Toan, because he was an absolute menace. At one point he simply jumped on the dirt pitch and started playing for the opposing team, making a most amusing spectacle of himself and openly breaking the rules. At one point, when a player from Toan's team was taking a corner into his goal square, this guy came out and stood right in front of him so he couldn't take the shot. Still, the dad (whose white shorts were by then sporting a brown behind due to the fact he kept falling on his arse - was classic) owned the game and no one said anything. To add to my increasing amusement, during the middle of the match, some old dude on a Harley-Davidson rode up. Now, most people own a scooter in Vietnam; a Harley is an incredible extravagance available only to the rich. Later, I asked Toan who this guy was. Apparently he's a local mob boss. And guess what - he was the spitting image of Mao Zedong! So at this humble backyard soccer game I witnessed Kim Jong-il in designer sports gear incompetently meddling in the match, and Mao - who's apparently reinvented himself as a Harley-riding gangster - spectating. Who would have thought it.

So I took my leave of Toan and his family and headed back to Saigon, where I encountered my first proper accommodation horror story of the journey. I decided to try the "lesser" backpacker district in Saigon. The Lonely Planet guide I've been utilising singled out an establishment called Miss Loi's Guesthouse, but for some reason I had it in my head that the place was called Miss Kim's Guesthouse. I asked someone to take me there, and they dropped me off at a place called Kim Kim's. The room was relatively cheap and passable at a glance, so I took it, dumped my bags and went to out to eat. When I got back at around 10.30, I was padding around the room in my bare feet when I stepped in a pool of liquid in the corner where I'd ventured to recharge my MP3 player. What the hell is that doing there? It got me thinking - that smell in the room which I'd unthinkingly assumed was mustiness characteristic of many cheap lodgings actually has quite a strong urine smell about it. A closer look confirmed that yep, there's a puddle of urine in the corner of the room. And what's that? An - upon cursory examination, what appeared to be unused - condom hanging out of the bin. Nice. Hotel staff were summoned, much heated debate in Vietnamese was exchanged, and the English speaker attempted to explain how a puddle of urine had appeared in my room between the time I first checked in and subsequently arrived back. I didn't understand him, but the room was mopped and I stayed as I couldn't be bothered hunting for another hotel room at what was by then 11pm. Told you earlier about my low standards, right? None of my stuff was missing (it was all locked in my backpack anyway), but I was sure to deadbolt the door from the inside before I went to sleep last night.

Anyway, that's more than enough. I'm getting on a train that's bound for the old imperial capital of Hue in an hour or so. Holy crap, this is a long post - haven't had time to proof it, will do so shortly. In the meantime, apologies for any errors. Soon I'm going to write about my observations of the Vietnamese people. Stay tuned....

Something's In The Works

2007-04-26T12:17:00.000+08:00

I'm about to hatch a holiday update - with photos, assuming I find an internet cafe that is running a modem with a higher baud rate than 2400b/s, which seems to be the standard in this remote part of Vietnam. Standby...

Chinglish

2007-04-01T22:47:00.000+08:00

I've been looking at rental apartments in Beijing. I'm particularly drawn to this dwelling:

a universal city apartment house rents out , 90 puts down rice, one defends one bedroom and one living room, towards south , 6000/ is monthly. High-rise ken is extremely good. Male live in Beijing hinderland , be called the capital apartment house Taoist temple scenery platform , housing estate celebrity aggregation , fad the quiet and tasteful , mature community high-rise elegant , afforesting landscape design , the environment , ken good. Top grade apartment house , brand-new fad home appliance , delicate fitting up, 24 hours of Bao An and thing job manage the elegant community mild and fragrant , the environment is elegant , have transport facilities, convenient , very proper habitancy of shopping, asking and my connection having intention, 65851552 , 13366736670 or E-mail: Dongchena@yahoo.com.cn Mr. Zhang

Apart from having to defend your bedroom and living room - one would think that the aggregation of mature celebrities on the housing estate would demand more rigorous passive security measures - it sounds promising. And here's the clincher - the delicate fitting up and 24 hour Bao An thing job service should come in handy on those long, cold, lonely Beijing nights.

Headline Watch

2007-04-01T20:52:00.000+08:00

Okay, so The Age is generally a pile of journalistic poo posturing as a broadsheet. Still, they come out with some funny headlines every now and again. Recently I mentioned one that ran "Sex dispute ends in tractor rampage". Not bad, though as Caz noted in comments, the story was a complete fizzer. Nevertheless, quality headline. Anyway, here's another corker from the good folks at the Age:

Bogan Kiwi to study headbangers

Nice. Come to think of it, the tractor story took place in New Zealand, too. Not that that means anything, just sayin'...

(from Scott Wickstein)

Getting Ready To Leave

2007-03-29T20:59:00.001+08:00

Does what it says on the tin. No blogging for a while.

No Frickin Idea

2007-03-19T00:10:00.000+08:00

You know those songs with lyrics that are only faintly discernable and thus easily confused?

Recently I heard James Reyne's Hammerhead playing on the radio at work, and boy is it fertile ground for the mondegreen! (Incidentally, mondegreen is an awesome candidate for Word Of The Week, wouldn't you say?) My best guess as to the lyrics of this song's chorus is:

You been hangin with tha noxious feet in a hammock 'ey

Some silk gets ripped by weevils in hammock 'ey

But no, it actually goes a little something like this. Who'd have known?

Seems as though I'm not the only one who misjudges Mr Reyne's barely coherent caterwauling.

UPDATE: see how many mondegreens you can pick out of Hammerhead!