Ether Popsicle

Yoga Pop: Volume 9

2009-05-23T11:05:00.002-04:00

Designed to play for the duration of a 75 minute vinyasa practice.

Song. Artist. Album
(Order is important)

1. It's Personal. The Radio Dept. Pet Grief
2. Changeling. DJ Shadow. Endroducing
3. Souvlaki Spacestation. Slowdive. Souvlaki
4. I Made a Tree on the Wold. Telefon Tel Aviv. Immolate Yourself
5. My Burr. Minotaur Shock. Amateur Dramatics
6. Bubbles. Ellen Allien & Apparat. Orchestra of Bubbles
7. Stork & Owl. TV on the Radio. Dear Science
8. Cherry Coloured Funk. Cocteau Twins. Heaven or Las Vegas
9. Rise. Doves. Lost Souls
10. A Nod on Hold. Ms John Soda. Notes and the Like
11. Said and Done. Engineers. Engineers
12. Headphone Land in the School of Old. Mice Parade. Ramda
13. You Only Live Twice. The Postmarks. By the Numbers
14. You Were There With Me. Four Tet. Everything Ecstatic
15. Emancipation. Helios. Eingya

A Sacrilegious Support Level

2009-05-04T12:12:00.006-04:00

On March 6th, 2009 the S&P 500 Stock Index closed at 683, the lowest mark observed in nearly 13 years. The financial media hauntingly dubbed it as our "Lost Decade" after the similarly named period in 1990s post-real estate bubble Japan. While certainly fitting I thought a more accurate (and original) title would have been "The Lost Baker's Dozen." My title P.R. campaign has sadly since become moot. Two months and no less than eighteen sentiment shifts later we now find ourselves almost 30% higher from the early March lows, recapturing much of our previously lost baker's dozen.

But there was something peculiar about the price action on that lowly Friday in March. Previous to closing at 683 the index experienced maximum carnage only an hour before, bottoming out at the devilish 666 level. I am no hexakosioihexekontahexaphobic and as anyone who knows me is abundantly aware my capacity for entertaining claims of numerology, astrology, or religious soothsaying are nil. Notwithstanding this hyper-rational predisposition even I can appreciate the allegorical potential of such a culturally loaded anomalous occurrence. Why didn’t I receive any Evangelical email forwards, anti-Christ blog purports, or conspiracy theorist memorandums regarding this symbolic happening? Isn’t there some vaguely interpreted Nostradamus prophecy that foresaw this important sign? What is the Catholic Church’s view? Was recently reaching this level a sign that the end is near or was bouncing off it a signal that we have triumphed over the forces of evil and that the worst is behind us?

If anyone has any prophetic insight into this topic I would be very keen to see it.

Telegram to Barack Obama: An Investment Banker’s Suggestion for Curing Financial Ignorance

2009-02-20T21:39:00.016-05:00

Dear Mr. President,

From my seat as an in-the-trenches investment bank bond salesman the ongoing financial turbulence has been both fascinatingly thought provoking and deeply troubling. While I believe that more good than bad will ultimately result it's obvious that a public formerly in denial of its excesses will naturally underestimate the required depths of its impending catharsis. It’s my hope that the public and media will take a reflective deep breath and appreciate how long this healing process will take.

The list of problems we now face is lengthy and undeniable complex. Few economists would argue that our administration's first concern should be to buffer the dramatic free fall in output that has resulted from a multitude of factors: increased job losses, less availability of credit, deteriorating confidence, shifting demographics, a stronger dollar, and a higher propensity to save (rather than spend). The methods by which one cures this economic downward spiral are being debated across the globe in every media forum known to man. Rather than weigh in on this discussion I'd like to begin thinking about what comes next. Once aggregate demand is restored to a more palatable trajectory a different set of important societal challenges will emerge.

#1.) How do we dismantle the ideological trap doors that led us into our current state of financial chaos?
#2.) How do we recreate a financial system that aligns the interests of its employees with those of its shareholders, the financial system, and the public at large?
#3.) How do we empower individuals to better understand their own personal finances in the context of the increasingly complex and ever-changing global economy?

The purpose of this note isn't to delve into the lengthy discussions of challenges #1 and #2 though I would argue that the keys to their resolution lie in curing the ills of challenge #3. And while most would not consider challenge #3 as the most near term critical it's certainly an issue that is consistently and mysteriously overlooked despite its importance.

I applaud your administration for establishing a committee aimed at harvesting the public's collective knowledge for help in solving the endless problems we now face. It's this type of intelligent humility that consistently evades many of society's important interactions, most certainly at its own peril. In this spirit of knowledge sharing I would like to make a policy suggestion that I strongly believe to be imperative for solving the root cause of our current state. This administration should introduce policy requiring one year of mandatory student education on the mechanics of global capital markets and personal finance.

The multidisciplinary curriculum will avoid espousing one-track convention wisdom and focus on building a framework to understand our manufactured financial architecture from varying critical viewpoints. The class recipe would consist of these ingredients: three parts history, three parts corporate finance, three parts personal finance, two parts applied macroeconomics, two parts sociology, one part accounting, one part comparative literature, and one part psychology.

The most basic assertions of modern economic thought will be stripped bare and discussed at length. What is Gross Domestic Product (GDP) and why is its growth synonymous with economic progress? What is inflation and how is its control crucial to our prosperity? Why is the stock market supposed to increase in value over time? What are the origins of credit and why have economies all over the world become so dependent on it?

While exploring the history of modern capital markets students will consider why central banks like the Federal Reserve were created and how they operate, gold backed currency versus fiat currency economies, and how monetary and fiscal policy levers are used to guide sustainable growth and moderate inflation. Students will examine the gears of our economic engine by following the money trail that begins in FDIC insured savings accounts and ends up as bank loans in the hands of small business. The role of banks as this crucial lending intermediary should provide another important centerpiece for lengthy discussion.

On the topic of personal investments we will begin by surveying the dense layer cake of financial instruments representing the incremental risk and potential return to which an individual can gain exposure. Students will think about what shares of company stock actually represent, under what conditions they may increase in value, and how this investment differs from gold bullion, US Treasury Bills, corporate bonds, a barrel of crude oil, foreign currency, baseball cards, a cask of whisky, or a piece of art. They will read selections from Mackay’s Memoirs of Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds and Taleb’s Fooled by Randomness alongside more conventional investing canons like Graham & Zweig’s Intelligent Investor and Schwager’s Market Wizards. Academics, journalists, and financial practitioners will help source reading material from recent magazine articles, psychological studies, Wall Street research, Op-Ed pieces, and blogs. The class will undoubtedly require a module on credit, examining the purpose it serves, and the various implications of buying assets with borrowed money.

While the complexity of our financial system has been allowed to increase exponentially there has been almost nothing done to help society decipher the implications this has for its members. It has now become painfully clear that financial education deserves the same attention in schools as classes in science, math, social studies, and language. I urge this administration to rise above our country’s quick-fix mentality and set into place an educational policy that will make a long lasting difference for generations to come.

Optimistically,
M.M.

10 Things I Learned in Chile

2009-01-18T10:30:00.003-05:00

1. One of the most prominent figures of Chilean separatism was an Irishman. Bernardo O'Higgins’s façade is featured on the not-so-valuable 10 peso coin (1 US Dollar = 630 Chilean Pesos).
2. It's good to be the Chilean government when nationalized copper sells for $360/ton but not so good when copper is $125/ton.
3. The semi-precious blue ‘rock’ Lapis Lazuli, found in Chile and other places, was believed by the Romans to be a powerful aphrodisiac.
4. Quinoa is plentiful in northern Chile (lucky for me).
5. Chile is as tall as America is wide. It’s 2,900 miles from top to bottom but ONLY 260 miles at its widest point east to west.
6. From an airplane the topography of the Atacaman Desert looks like spilled coffee, a bank blueprint, and Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man all at the same time.
7. Flamingos like to hang out around salt.
8. The best racket in San Pedro is the one guy who sells camera memory sticks.
9. Almost all the Chileans I spoke with seemed cautious about expressing their political views on Allende vs. Pinochet. By my count the country is split right down the middle.
10. Rica Rica is an altiplanic medicinal herb reminiscent of rosemary with a citrus twist. The herb makes a fantastic base for tea or supplement to water and certain juices.

10 Things I Learned in Argentina

2009-01-18T10:27:00.002-05:00

1. Antiques in Buenos Aires are dialed back 25 years and priced 50% cheaper than in New York.
2. Argentineans claim that their real currency is the US Dollar but mysteriously no one seems to keep track of the exchange rate.
3. Argentineans are PROUD of their European genealogy.
4. Mariano Cid de la Paz’s deconstructed empanada is not as good as the real thing.
5. Never trust an Argentinean Greek whose teeth are three-quarter rotted.
6. There is a political / financial calamity in Buenos Aires every 10 years.
7. The famed Argentinean parilla (grilled meat) isn't all it's cracked up to be.
8. I took street signs for granted until I walked through the outer neighborhoods of Buenos Aires.
9. MTA fare hike haters should move to Buenos Aires where a one trip is only 25 cents.
10. Everything I thought that was pronounced “ya” in Spanish is said with a “shhh” in Argentina. Pollo isn’t “poyyyo” it’s “posho.”

10 Things I Learned in Uruguay

2009-01-18T10:20:00.009-05:00

1. Jack Johnson’s widespread popularity is troubling to say the least.
2. There are still places in the developed world where a pack of 16 year old girls can hitchhike at 3am.
3. The Spanish translation for “My hovercraft is full of eels” is “Mi aerodeslizador esta lleno de anguilas.”
4. Many Nightclubs in Punta Del Este OPEN at 2am.
5. In Montevideo housecleaners charge USD $1 per hour yet a 20km taxi ride in Punta Del Este will set you back USD $50.
6. Uruguayans think Argentineans are full of themselves. Argentineans think Uruguayans are unintelligent and insignificant.
7. I'd feel more convinced that Duty Free was a legitimate value proposition if the salespeople weren't the most attractive residents of their respective countries.
8. There are zero people of Far Eastern descent in South America.
9. Cab drivers ALWAYS wear their seatbelts.
10. Mario Irrarazabal’s LA MANO (The Hand) sculpture should be gifted to the Argentineans and re-named LA MANO DE DIOS (The Hand of God) themed to commemorate Maradona’s fraudulent goal in the1986 World Cup quarter final match vs. England. Point #6 will likely prevent this from ever happening.

Favorite Music of 2008

2008-12-25T17:29:00.008-05:00

Albums
1. Johann Johannsson - Fordlandia
2. Beach House - Devotion
3. Cut Copy - In Ghost Colours
4. M83 - Saturdays = Youth
5. The Raveonettes - Lust Lust Lust
6. Our Sleepless Forest - Our Sleepless Forest
7. Blackfilm - Blackfilm
8. Tindersticks - The Hungry Saw
9. Hauschka - Ferndorf
10. Tallest Man on Earth - Shallow Grave

Other Much Liked Albums
Air France, Atlas Sound, Department of Eagles, Destroyer, Dosh, Eksi Ekso, Fennesz, Fleet Foxes, Helios, Horse Feathers, James Blackshaw, Lindstrom, Lykke Li, Max Richter, Moscow Olympics, Nick Cave, The Notwist, Peter Broderick, Populous with Short Stories, School of Seven Bells, The Secret Life of Sofia, Shearwater, Sparkadia, Wolf Parade

Album Covers
Sten - Essence
Pyramids - Pyramids
Parts and Labor - Recievers
Foals - Antidotes
Peter Broderick - Docile

Lyrical Verse
"Now I'm noting the limits to our parabola..."
An Eluardian Instance by Of Montreal

Album Title
Eksi Ekso - I Am Your Bastard Wings

Bedtime Album
Helios - Caesura

Concerts
Shout Out Louds @ Joe's Pub, March 11th
M83 @ Bowery Ballroom, June 4th
Keren Ann @ Joe's Pub, November 4th

Song
River Card by Atlas Sound

Yoga Pop: Volume 8

2008-12-05T20:39:00.005-05:00

Designed to play for the duration of a 75 minute vinyasa practice.

Song. Artist. Album
(Order is important)

1. Shiller. Ratatat. LP3
2. Younger. Populous with Short Stories. Drawn in Basic
3. Indo. Studio. West Coast
4. The Illking. Mouse on Mars. Idiology
5. Pelican Narrows. Caribou. The Milk of Human Kindness
6. Sonar. Blackfilm. Blackfilm
7. Aquarium Life. Berg Sans Nipple. Along the Quai
8. A Circular Reference. Tycho. Past is Prologue
9. Borderline. Plej. Home is Where the Heart Was
10. Nomads. Our Sleepless Forest. Our Sleepless Forest
11. St. Tropez. Arp. In Light
12. A Song for H / Far Away. Max Richter. 24 Postcards in Full Colour
13. Zoetrope. Boards of Canada. In a Beautiful Place out in the Country
14. Image-Autumn-Womb. Goldmund. The Malady of Elegance

Party Notes from an East Village Walkup

2008-11-11T09:41:00.017-05:00

VL was awarded the “Shoeless Joe Jackson” socks award despite disorienting judges with her half-eaten, half-frozen food gift.

MR “held back” as she couldn’t afford to be haggard for her Sunday night same-building shindig.

J and KH reminisced about their 2003 Pictionary title and looked forward to the aughts championship in Horseheads, NY next year.

With jaw dropped, KH listened as ES told fantastical stories of $4,000 glass lamps and headboards stretched as far as the eye could see.

After being repeatedly prodded for his “Wintarita” drink recipe KH effortlessly rattled off the ingredients in perfect proportion: 2 1/2 parts apple cider, 1 part tequila, 1/4 part lemon juice, 1/4 part orange liquor, and salt.

D floated like butterfly and stung like a bee.

In order to remember his address MA had always associated “that tool” KH with the “that tool” band 311. It ends up that KH actually lives at 411. GT wishes we all couldn’t have figured this out sooner.

M hearts Ethiopian Gin but abhors redundant/senseless elevator button pushers.

J and KW’s capoeira performance was severely hampered by the proximity of 65 people in a 650 square foot apartment.

SV diligently solicited for views on the economy only to receive tired drunken stares in return.

DL, MS, KH, and C swapped intelligence on the whereabouts of (free) chocolate milk and cider doughnuts in Brooklyn Heights.

MS misunderstood EV’s clever Ocean’s 14 reference as evidenced by his odd periscopy submarine hand gesture. He went on to kindly recommended warm weather art fair satellites and a lake for swimming.

MK told of a telling of a coming of age story.

JH expressed his frustration of enjoying media cultural no one else has heard of. Like the television show Dharma and Greg.

VA, M, and T stood atop their social networking ivory towers, casting down the faux nostalgia of their needy childhood hangers-on.

EV made pictures until age 11 and then “something happened.”

RM was convinced that SP and KH were siblings.

NG recommended flash bulb games in the dark, left, motorcycled O home, returned, then called out circumnavigating poseurs.

Ode to Grasshopper

2008-10-13T19:26:00.005-04:00

When my favored juice shop in the East Village changed its name from Lucky’s to Liquiteria I was skeptical. Though I knew the offering wouldn’t change the new name seemed idiotic, unfitting, and unappealing. I’ve boycotting establishments for reasons more trite but this time it was juice. I like juice, and it’s hard to get good juice in this town.

Enter the Grasshopper, one of Liquiteria’s many pre-defined juice offerings: pineapple, pear, mint, green apple, and wheatgrass pressed into frothy perfection. 100 monkeys typing on 100 fruit/vegetable-keyed typewriters for over 100 years couldn’t come up with such an infinitely balanced concoction. I tip my hat to the creator of this sweet, earthy, all-quenching drink. Thank you.

I’ve wondered what might help usher us out of this seemingly never ending era of mixologist excess. The Grasshopper’s humble simplicity has given this thirsty New Yorker some epicurean hope.

10 Things I Learned in Montreal

2008-09-23T20:51:00.005-04:00

1. Females age 16-26 all have short dark hair, eyebrow length straight bangs, and a cute squishy bottom.
2. Renting out Segways to navigate your city’s historic ports is a really dumb idea.
3. Gooseberries, gooseberries, gooseberries.
4. The “which is tastier” debate between Montreal and New York City bagels is pretty boring.
5. Montrealers enjoy naming their stores and restaurants with corny puns like Kitsch n’ Swell, Cash and Curry, and Indiana Jeans.
6. Housing stock in "The Plateau" appears twice as desirable as New York for a quarter of the price.
7. “The hams and shoulders make all the difference.”
8. Montrealers don’t let ANY portion of their swine go to waste.
9. It’s not easy to take a yoga class taught in French when you don’t speak or understand French.
10. They should consider changing their motto from “Je Me Souviens” to “De La Terre Chandail a Capuchon” (Land of the Hoody).

Will the War with Eurasia Ever End?

2008-08-27T17:57:00.004-04:00

The recent wave of "Obama Fatigue" articles is so utterly idiotic and hilarious that I couldn't help but write at least a brief rant. The same political media that has tortured us through the seemingly never-ending presidential race is now reporting that the public is fatigued. {Insert emphatically sarcastic interogative phrase of your choice}. I was ready to keel over after about two weeks of coverage, and that was probably during the fall of 2007 (or was it the winter of 2006?). It's astonishing that the same political media that sold ad space with their up-til-here cacophony of political nonsense now has the nerve to fill newstands with stories on the "backlash" THEY created. I'm already fatigued by the fatigue coverage but strangely that has yet to be reported on.

NY Times ~~ Economist ~~ US News

Fruit for Thought

2008-08-17T13:11:00.004-04:00

In the first entry of what may possibly become an ongoing series called “conversations I’ve had at least five times” I explore the strangely reoccurring question of “What is your perfect five fruit salad?” This is not to be confused with the more common and less interesting question of “What are your favorite five fruits?”

The goal here is no different than most endeavors of idealic chow: maximize varieties of texture, taste, smell, and sight without sacrificing the innate aesthetics of its stand-alone components.

1. Elberta Peach. While Left Coast aficionados continue debating the availability of decent peaches in New York City I would contend that even a substandard specimen is worthy of inclusion. The skin-on peach should be as ripe as possible while still being able to maintain its cut, sectioned shape.

2. Ruby Red Grapefruit. To achieve maximum results in my sole citris ingredient painstakingly peel off the sectional skin membranes for preferred access to each juicy globule.

3. Prickly Pear. The mouth watering dye red flesh of this strangely crunch satiating, underrated fruit MUST be served ice cold. The only drawbacks are the virtually imperceptible needles that quickly go from unpeeled fruit skin to the skin between your fingers. Make sure you have a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers handy for help in dislodging these persistent pricks.

4. Fresh Black Mission Fig. The inner matrix of tiny seeds in this fruit that’s better known in its inferior “newtoned” presentation adds an unexpectedly pleasant tactile dimension. Slice in half with skin on.

5. Quince. This mysterious fruit was strangely plentiful during my sugar eating childhood in suburban Ohio. Its dry, spongy, tart complexion makes it the perfect apple/pear two-for-one.

Canned Goods Rich in Nutrients

2008-07-27T21:03:00.009-04:00

It’s taken eight years, multiple pressed trouser sightings, and a US financial system on the brink of collapse for many of my friends to realize that I work in Finance. Those who once blindly spurned the mechanics of high capitalism now query me on a weekly basis seeking opinions on topical matters of economic and financial importance: the subprime conundrum, implications of our massive budget deficit, stagnant middle class wage growth, Manhattan apartment prices, and reasons for a weak US dollar. Though I rarely opine on such complex and contentious topics I thought it might prove useful to outline a few brief investment tips in the buy/sell lists below.

{These half-jokey views do not reflect the opinions of the institution that might or might not be my current employer}

Liquidate / Sell / Purge:
- Assets that are exposed in any way to the integrity of the US Banking system
- Real estate that doesn't properly value the risk of a debilitating terrorist attack
- Anti-Chinese propaganda
- Art purchased at a Christie's or Sotheby's auction in the last 10 years
- Your subscription to The National Review
- Body parts fabricated from or filled with precious metals (Though likely to increase in value, they will surely pose a health threat as Armageddon approaches)

Invest / Buy / Hoard:
- Canned goods containing nutrient-rich foodstuffs
- Defendable land, preferably located on an elevated plateau in a politically neutral country
- Armored transportation that isn't powered by a petroleum by-product
- Polaroid cameras, batteries, and film
- Roach spray
- Two Slingshots and an aluminum baseball bat (or similarly blunt object)
- An apartment in the "up-in-coming" outskirts of a Chinese metropolis
- Physical stocks of Uranium and Plutonium

Yoga Pop: Volume 7

2008-07-06T16:38:00.003-04:00

Designed to play for the duration of a 75 minute vinyasa practice.

Song. Artist. Album
(Order is important)

1. Ready Lets Go. Boards of Canada. Geogaddi
2. 11 Ghosts II. Nine Inch Nails. Ghosts I-IV
3. Midnight to 4am. Blackfilm. Blackfilm
4. Singing Sand. Quiet Village. Silent Movie
5. Acrostico. Gui Boratto. Chromophobia
6. The Magic Stick. Dosh. Wolves and Wishes
7. Time Difference II. Montag. Alone, Not Alone
8. Ketto. Bonobo. Days to Come
9. Disconnect the Cables. Japancakes. The Sleepy Strange
10. Velvet Pony. Psapp. Tiger, My Friend
11. As The Stars Fall. The Cinematic Orchestra. Ma Fleur
12. Unknown Title. Figurines. When the Deer Wore Blue
13. One Swan Swim. Tenniscoats. Tan-Tan Therapy
14. The Rising Sun. Arp. In Light
15. I'm Rewinding It. Bibio. Fi
16. Bright Angel Park. Frankie Sparo. Welcome Crummy Mystics

Popsicle Popularity Contest

2008-06-29T18:58:00.009-04:00

Below are real-life search engine queries resulting in visits to Ether Popsicle. My comments are in [brackets].

-how to pronounce ether [how silly!]
-i got some popsicles in the seller [so did i but they all melted]
-promotions campaign for popsicle [?]
-tenjune per bottle price [not as much as it used to be]
-popsicle revel
-popsicle experiment insulation [cotton candy fiberglass]
-frequency of popsicle commercials [not frequent enough]
-lips broach
-quinoa correct pronunciation [good search]
-making popsicle lamps [not as easy as you'd think]
-fla-vor-ice freezer pops vodka [it isn’t wise to fuk with fla-vor-ice in its natural state]
-unificaçao de fisica 20500 [good search]
-popsicle bottle rockets
-popsicle collection jeans
-ladies of the weather channel [you prob meant to do an image search]
-vintage popsicle ads
-popsicle party [!]
-ether party [!!!]
-karch kiraly pronunciation [those who know how to spell it really shouldn’t be asking]
-marble colored popsicles [yummm]
-tipping protocol for yoga [1000%]
-rocket popsicle shot recipe
-blue ghost popsicle [silver ghost popsicle is more like it]

Summer To-Do's

2008-06-24T21:01:00.005-04:00

1. Become proficient at handball
2. Stop worrying about A/C units falling out of windowsill
3. Invent my new favorite summer cocktail
4. Bath nude at Sandy Hook beach
5. Perform one handstand everyday
6. Cannonball unexpectedly into the Floating Pool barge
7. Relearn how to rock climb (well)
8. Win the magnetic swirly wizard carny game at Coney Island
9. Montreal, Montreal, Montreal
10. Bike the Central Park loop continuously between the hours of 2:22am and 4:44am
11. Ride around on the top level of a red double decker tour bus while listening to "Strange Geometry" by The Clientele
12. ????

My Calcium

2008-06-14T19:56:00.005-04:00

Digging for Undergraduate Treasure

2008-05-26T22:01:00.006-04:00

I owe many settings on my finely tuned biological clock to the proximity of nearby accredited live in universities. My year around 7am to 6pm shut in job has dulled my environmental awareness of the season’s school delineated time markers: Pencil cases acquired in August’s back to school shopping blitz, the clean break of post-midterm winter recess, spring break’s MTV made-to-believe Mexican charms, and the dumpster diving glee of summer’s start.

There are a lot of queues that mark the beginning of summer in NYC: The sudden disappearance of good looking people on the weekends, sidewalk garbage of increased smelliness, air condition unit ugliness moved from storage room floors into teetering windowsills, the endless mysteries of sold out music festivals, and of course, the hidden treasures of undergraduate dumpster diving. Each May opportunistic deal hunters line up to sift through the disposed runoff from NYU students hurrying back to their families. As the nine axle Mayflower moving truck can only hold so much, things like aquariums, wheelie desk chairs, shoddy bookcases, and canned peas are all left for the taking. While spectating one of these digs on a recent stroll home I stood wondering what I had left behind in the dumpster outside my freshman dorm...

1. An unexplainably large, three quarter broken AIWA bookshelf stereo system equipped with double cassette deck, analog tuner, and annoying top-spring loading compact disc player.

2. A stack of international trade policy papers each marked up with a different “X” supply/demand chart.

3. Remnants of my J.A. administered freshman year “community service” project: empty Krylon green spray can bottles, college sweatshirt sleeves covered in chipped green paint, tissues tangled in green snot, and a bunch of heavy metal gardening stakes.

4. A pips-out ping pong paddle, three pairs of Nike middle distance track spikes, deflated red and white Karch Kiraly beach volleyball, and warped 175 gram flying disc.

5. Hot water percolator with frayed cord.

6. Two mini ice cube trays, capable of fitting in the 75% frosted-in freezer portion of my mini fridge.

7. Tattered Birkenstock sandals with dried out cork soles.

8. Worn out copies of Marble Madness, Rush ‘n Attack, Dr. Mario, Gauntlet, Bionic Commando, and Blaster Master for NES. (Blaster Master wasn’t so much worn out as it was broken into a bunch of low-tech shards courtesy of my black leather Doc Marten boot sole.)

9. My full kitchen cookery/flatware set: broken saucepan, white plastic strainer, plastic bowl, and fork.

10. The bed sheets that covered my two inch thick “water resistant” mattress.

Party Notes from a West Village Walkup

2008-05-06T20:55:00.012-04:00

EV took time off his busy Latin American art sale schedule to revel with other yogi partygoers and antagonize tie-wearing guests. His dancing bear beverage gift, born from "gnarled vines grown in adverse conditions,” was an appropriate metaphor for his against-all-odds rise to greatness.

HC was kind enough to procure a coppertop bottle of "handmade" Texan vodka. VLA "knew" Texas and "knew" vodka but never the two in combination.

Despite the jeers and controversy surrounding "The Quiz" AT and LM proved their love by finally prevailing in sudden death. The dynamic duo of SC and KW might have pulled it out had they remembered that "half-moon" was favored to "plow."

AWA and BC's gifts coincidentally coincided: one bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label with a set of "perfectly cubed" rubber ice cube trays. Upon viewing the bottle of Blue Label ST appropriately commented that KH "SURE has friends in this town!"

JG, dressed in a beautifully vintaged over jeans dress, came with "desert island treasure" tucked away in a magic marked manila envelope.

VLA's post-graduate level mastery of the English language prevented KH from understanding many of her quick-worded, quick-witted comments. Apparently, she and SC are now finished with law school.

An initially almost unrecognizable, shaky handed, trench coat clad VLO brought the corkscrew stemmed orange boutonniere of KH’s dreams. A few de-petaling hugs later SC and VLA helped him repin; this time with the pointy pin side up.

JR dazzled the kitchen crowd with his razor sharp mental math, dividing KH's 360 second time limit into minutes. 6 minutes.

Despite MA’s giddier than usual state, he failed to force KH into the XXXL sized gift depicting him as cured child bathing in brine.

SL and KH failed at making each other feel guilty for being "unavailable" during SL's looooong gardening leave.

MC to GT in regards to GT's upcoming vegetarian bbq: "You can't win friends with salad."

After spilling wine on the soon-to-be thrown out host sheets J kindly left his calling card and credit card beneath the "highly sought after" three dimensional Mario Brothers refrigerator magnets. KH WANTS THOSE MAGNETS.

After consuming one (or two) whole bottles of Knob Creek, CN lost, then quickly found his "perfectly fitting" jet black Agnes B. suit jacket.

JG took KH's "moistness wanted" feedback and delivered in SPADES. The cake was SO moist that some attendees mistook it for birthday pudding.

Though MC was about 2 minutes late on the cake delivery her AMAZING rendering gift more than made up for it.

KH was coerced into re-posing for what is apparently the most hilarious/ambiguous photo of him on the internet. Except this time it was while holding a raspberry blue FLA-VOR-ICE instead of a Rocket Popsicle.

VV was KH's many-years-ago massage therapist, not masseuse. Massage therapists are not masseuses.

"A" astounded and allured the crowd with her voluminous head of crimped hair and psychedelic colored tights.

With a little non-attendee help KH successfully guilted DA into coming by with her new beau.

SV seemed preoccupied with his then weeklong shopping preparation for an upcoming country western themed wedding. KH was surprised that he had never heard of a bolo tie.

MS, B, EC, and others aided in the process of de-walling the apartment's paint encrusted transatlantic telegraph wire.

In the Cocteau Twins discography AW pointed to "Blue Bell Knoll" as the album that defined their sound. KH was disappointed for never having heard this album but then acquired it the following day.

CF kindly complimented KH's personable "stranger in a strange land" demeanor before inquiring his availability for future party jobs.

LJ's ghost within a child's mind within an artist's mind will be framed and prominently displayed in short order.

*KH had a great 30th and is very grateful for all his FANTASTIC friends.

The Secret Lives of Restaurant Food Delivery Tippers

2008-04-28T20:07:00.005-04:00

Tipping protocol is a constant subject of conversation, debate, and controversy in New York. Parking lot attendant extortion, unsolicited "help" hailing yellow taxis, doorman ties to the mob, the massage parlor "invisible hand," gypsy cab negotiations (and whether this term is offensive to the gypsy population), dedicated sommelier tip lines, Christmas gifts for the highrise building family you never knew you had, and the bartender binary bill conundrum are a few of the many gratuity topics on the mind of today's metropolitan citizen. Most of the notes I've read on the topic are generalized guides, outlining the appropriate instances when prescribed roundabout percentages are owed to certain recognized service providers. But with the recent rise of purveyor instituted tip jars -- accompanied by gratuity induced prices engineered to maximize coinage returned from paper bill purchases -- it's become increasingly important to develop a more granular and robust thought process for gauging these subjective matters of social protocol.

Friends commonly ask me for opinions on appropriate tipping procedure expecting a singular hard-and-fast rule in reply. Very few tipping situations are as uniform and static as the posers of this question would like to think. And many, like the one I’ve outlined below, involve multiple considerations in order to tabulate the proper outcome. To give you an idea I’ve outlined a cursory “thought process” examination of the high-frequency, multi-variable tipping scenario of restaurant food delivery.

>Long a Floor / Short a Cap
Importance: High

The blind application of a flat tipping percentage will at times result in a payment shortfall or overage. On the low side, remote patrons who are consistent placers of near minimum charge meal orders should be tipping more than 15-20%. On the high side, the toro sashimi takeout party you and your ten closest friends decide to have shouldn’t require the full 20% on top of an already pricey bill. A floor/cap of $2/$10 for a reasonable payload carryable by one delivery person should override an otherwise 15-20% of bill baseline rule-of-thumb.

>Distance
Importance: High

Requesting delivery to the outskirts of a maximum territory boundary prevents workers from churning out additional orders. Reward distance. Conversely, don't feel guilty offering up a low side tip on deliveries from restaurants located within shouting distance of your front stoop.

>The Multitask
Importance: High

Reward delivery journeys that appear dedicated to your order alone. If the person shows up with multiple bags it’s likely that the oven-to-door time has been extended against your interests (though this is not always the case).

>Weather
Importance: High

Though braving the elements is technically part of the job description, an additional tip is appropriate to compensate for safer/slower delivery speeds, especially if the payload arrives promptly. This booster is countered partly by the fact that during bad weather there is likely more orders to deliver, thus more tips.

Sidenote: The opposite theory applies in regards to bad weather when considering tips for taxis. Yellow cabs generally operate "in stride" during inclimate weather. And since there is usually no shortage of riders I feel less compelled to bump up gratuities.

>Tonnage
Importance: Moderate

Unwieldy pizza boxes and heavy orders of cheap brothy soba deserve more credit than a lightweight bento box or portable dish of Thai protein. Reward tonnage.

>Stair Stipend
Importance: Low

Climbing two flights of stairs is easier than four. Delivery to the door of my fifth floor walkup apartment deserves a small scaling consideration. Reward height.

Yoga Pop: Volume 6

2008-04-12T15:29:00.004-04:00

Designed to play for the duration of a 75 minute vinyasa practice.

Song. Artist. Album
(Order is important / Time crops noted)

1. Everywhere All At One Time. Cloud Cult. The Meaning of 8
2. A Heart-Warming and Beautiful Flower Will Eventually Wither Away and Become Dirt. Susumu Yokota. Love or Die
3. Tesselation, Formerly Plateau One. Mahogany. Connectivity!
4. Please Sing My Spring Reverb - B.Fleishmann Mix. Mum. Please Smile My Noise Bleed
5. Abbesses. Birdy Nam Nam. Birdy Nam Nam (6:13)
6. Ready Set Glow. Atlas Sound. Let The Blind Lead Those Who Can See But Cannot Feel
7. We Own The Sky. M83. Saturdays = Youth
8. Neon Rider. Junior Boys. Last Exit
9. Send and Receive. Tycho. Past Is Prologue
10. Alienation. Lali Puna. Faking The Books
11. Ambulance For The Ambiance. Broken Social Scene. Bee Hives
12. Hazeldub. Alpha. Come From Heaven
13. I Know You Are But What Am I?. Mogwai. Happy Songs For Happy People
14. Aircastles. Our Sleepless Forest. Our Sleepless Forest
15. Last Orders. Richard Hawley. Cole's Corner

Music for Any Predilection

2008-04-05T08:38:00.006-04:00

Modern day music trawlers would have a hard time subsisting without sites like Allmusic.com. Artist genealogy, discographies, influences, genre trees, and historical billboard chart inclusions are a few of the things you’ll find at this online music equivalent to The Library of Congress. But there’s one database attribute that makes this site unique. An attribute that puts this virtual library on my short list of internet obsessions: MOODS.

Each band in Allmusic's mammoth encyclopedia is assigned with as many moods from this list as are applicable to their musical sound. One can use mood as either a search characteristic or an umbrella designation to view critically acclaimed bands / albums. First, the thoroughness and accuracy of this database is mindboggling. Second, my hat goes off to this mysterious crew of professional mood-assigners; most likely the same people who review the music (right?). I don’t know who you are but know there’s at least one person out there who cares about you deeply. Third, as much as I enjoy thinking about music this way it’s pretty difficult not to snicker at the absurd precision implicated by some of these moods. I can't imagine that there are many people out there thinking “Boy, I’m really in the mood for an album that's uncompromising yet wry.” Other favorite ridiculous moods from their list include: clinical, earnest, sardonic, stately, ramshackle, austere, naïve, and brittle. Fourth, I do so wish that my music collection (read: my life) could be organized and sorted by mood. Let’s all hope ITunes and the many cultural collators to come co-opt this database methodology allowing users to apply MULTIPLE genres, moods, and (who knows what!) attributes to single pieces of file-away media.

The Pedometer Experiment

2008-03-29T13:22:00.001-04:00

During the initial years of my adolescent running career I often wondered if I'd live to see an age of technology where pedometers didn't rely on internal clicky-thing mechanisms to measure your stride. Fifteen years later I'm still wondering...still hoping. I stuck a pedometer in my pocket for 30 days and here are the fascinating results:

The Deal Breaker Files: LV Handbags

2008-03-21T11:55:00.011-04:00

The difficulty in discerning between earnestly and irony makes recognizing socioeconomic status symbols a bit tricky in New York. There’s ironically shabby, legitimately shabby, and shabby chic. Curated storefulls of short sleeved breast pocketed western plaids, clothes purchased and kept from JC Penny fifteen years ago, and shiny brand new vintage remakes. Poughkeepsie yard sales, PLO scarves next to I heart New York t-shirts, waiting in line for $10,000 Manolo Blahnik shoes, Harlem haberdasheries, The Sartorialist, used lampshades on Canal Street, Bargains for Millionaires, … I wish I knew what all of it meant.

A few weeks back in the rumblings of Angelika’s narrow main theater SC and I were treated to the new, unintentionally HILARIOUS Louis Vuitton ad campaign. Being a fashion ignorant in this city of fleeting and fickly cultural fancies it’s rare for me to have strong feelings about any superficial brand icon or trend. BUT there is one thing that is certainly certain: I don’t like LV.

I don’t like their mass marketed faux-luxurious Madison Avenue manufactured image. I don’t like their catered and pandered to demographic. I don’t like their tacky designs. I don’t like their $5000 men’s diamond set studded gold rings. I don't even like when raily fashion boys wear strappy LV backpacks seudo-ironically.

I can’t think of another brand I find more gaudy and unappealing. I don’t think I could ever fancy a woman who carried around an LV bag; real or fake, earnest or ironic, purchased or gifted.

Add it to The Deal Breaker Files.