Memories, Sentiments, Rants and Raves

Of Love

2009-11-30T12:31:00.002+03:00

:(

2009-11-08T20:39:00.001+03:00

Help Me Make It Throught The Night

2009-10-16T00:53:00.002+03:00

Its past 1am in the morning and i cant sleep. For some reason am feeling vulnerable even though i just spoke to him who makes all things better. I have been known to be a strong woman but this one time i don't want to be strong i want to be able to crumble and have someone hold me.I wonder how it feels to be able to just let go and be weak even for an instance, you know not to have all things together and composed. I wish you were here since you would know what to do with a not-so-together me. I know i will put on a brave face tomorrow and face the world but in the immortal words of Gladys Knight & the Pips:-

Take The Ribbon From My Hair
Shake It Loose And Let It Fall
Layin' Soft Against Your Skin
Like The Shadows On The Wall
Come And Lay Down By My Side
'Til The Early Morning Light
All I'm Taking Is Your Time
Help Me Make It Through The Night

I Don't Care What's Right Or Wrong
I Wont Try To Understand
Let The Devil Take Tomorrow
For Tonight I Need A Friend

Yesterday Is Dead And Gone
And Tomorrow's Out Of Sight
And It's So Sad To Be Alone
Help Me Make It Through The Night

Just Married

2009-09-01T11:20:00.004+03:00

This weekend found me as a bridesmaid at one of my girls wedding.Iam all for getting married and I intend to do so some day. The wedding went well, despite starting late but the most important thing is that girlie is a Mrs. I always thought that when the day comes I will be in a white dress, relatives singing, Ma crying, my dad giving the guy a look but a few things have changed. I got to a point where a civil ceremony started looking really good considering that most weddings in .ke cost on average Kshs. 700,000 (approx USD 10,000) at least by the committees that I have sat on. Wedding committees, I have afew choice words that I would like to say about them. I have major issues with asking people for money and/or help so for me the theory is that if me and mine do not have the money to finance the wedding then a civil wedding would be a good option or at least in church with our witnesses only then throw a small party later.

On Sartuday after the groom’s side came to the bride’s place to pick her up as is required and were done singing their hearts out as expected, came the part that had almost the whole room in tears. The groom’s parents came into the house for the handover, before that was done the parents of the bride were asked to say something. When both parents spoke, it was such an emotional moment; you could hear the pride in their voices. I got to thinking I wonder what my folks would say to not having the chance to give me away, while my parents are very open minded then again.

Note that am not about to get married, maybe in a couple of years,yet can't help but think how long this feeling will last. Is it really worth spending all that money on one day, it’s only a wedding right? After all people will still find fault no matter how good the wedding is. Is the pressure and stress of planning a wedding worth it? Isn’t the most important part that you are now joined together, do we have to invite the whole clan? Someone help me understand why incur debt so as to have a big wedding?

Congratulations and Happiness to all who have taken the big step.

Hunh!

2009-08-19T11:57:00.004+03:00

Greetings, yes its been a long minute. I need to figure out what about me attracts other women. I keep getting hit on women who for some reason think i might be willing or curious with offers of "if you are ever curious". Mostly i will smile and say i am not the least bit curious and only do men. The thing that fascinates me about these suitors if i may call them that, is that their game is so on point you wouldn't believe it. They complement,make small talk, make nice with the people you are with then go after you.
While am terribly flattered, i need to come up with a way to resolve this or to say no politely. Any ideas?

Awarded!

2009-06-27T00:09:00.003+03:00

“This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.”And so the 3toc tagged me, thank thank. Having done one too many lists on this blog forgive any repeats here. Here goes:-

1.I have up and downs in my spiritual life. I love God. I have moments when i love to be in his presence but i have been on a dry spell where even praying is a big deal.I am getting back up there, thanks to my prayer warriors(my mum and sister)who hold me up.

2.I have never had issues with my weight until earlier this month, the doctor informed me that am too heavy for my bones. I love my size, i love being round and "curvy" but it has to go so health eating and exercise are in full force, of course plus occasional indulgence.

3.I just finished some classes that i have been taking so that i can switch careers, results are out on the first week of July.

4.I finally decided on my side hustle of choice and am actively working on it in partnership with my parents. It will take a lot of time and money but it feels great to spend time with folks and i know we cannot fail.

5.I do not watch horror, thrillers or any scary movies because i get nightmares, yes you read right, nightmares. This ends with me sleeping with the telly on plus a bible/rosary or sleeping over at a friends. So no scary movies for me.

6. A couple of my friends are getting married this year from July to end year we have at least one wedding each month and two in others. This means dresses, heels, weird questions, bridal showers, cake, dancing and great fun always.

7.I love spending time alone, i can sit at my house the whole weekend without the need to hang out with other people.I miss traveling alone and plan to by the end of the year.

8. In the last 3 months, a lot has happened and i feel like even though i was involved i got to look at it all from outside. I have had to review what friendship is, what matters, what i can live with and without. Subconsciously decisions have been made, plans made and are now in action. I like this work in progress me.

9. I intend to learn how to swim and a foreign language this year.

10. I have discovered great music thanks to some great bloggers. Here's to many more.

Thanks to all who read this blog and comment, to lurkers and to all who mail.Am truly grateful and mi casa su casa.

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T12:59:00.003+03:00

I have always had a great relationship with my dad and its always been easier to talk to him than to anyone else. Like any other daughter, my dad's opinion means a great deal to me. My dad was the one with candy or bar of chocolate every day after work and that was something to look forward to. Our love for reading was from my dad who had am extensive collection of James Hadley Chase and many African Authors. Then there was the usual magazines like Weekly Review, Viva, Drum, Joe, True Love. I remember going for picnics after Church, Safari Rally during Easter Holidays, Upcountry for Christmas. My love for sports must come from watching Boxing Matches on telly and live, watching Football made in Germany,World Cup, Wrestling and Olympics. Then there was the movies and the music, my love for old music from all the LPs plus our battery operated player that still comes out to feature on special occasions.
It is said that ladies tend to look for their fathers in the men that they date. My dad is the kind of person who asserts themselves quietly, dependable, can get along with anyone, giving, proud and a great achiever.As time passes and i get older i now see him for who he is and yet i still know that he is the best that there ever will be.
Here's to my daddy dearest, my No.1 man, and all other men who step up and take care of business. You are truly appreciated and loved. Happy Father's day Baba Gish.

So Far...

2009-06-20T11:35:00.004+03:00

Trust that you are all well if not, be well soon. I finished my exams last week, hard to believe that its already been a year. When i started out, i hemmed and hawed at the thought of a year and it felt like a thousand years.At last, the coursework is done save for the research project and defense which i look forward to get done.
Seems that while i was away blog world came alive and i have a lot of catching up to do,that is already work in progress.All in good time they say. Off to attend to a tag from 3TOC. Feels good to be back.

Ramblings

2009-03-12T09:43:00.008+03:00

First off couple of things, i love living alone, the quietness, the choice to watch and listen to what i want, dress how i want or not, the freedom of being me. Being single allows me to be spontaneous, double freedom. Most of my days are predictable since they start off with a list of things that need to be done by end of business with minor deviations on weekends which are now full of bridal showers, weddings, dowry proceedings, baby showers et al.
Last weekend was no different, was an usher at a wedding then evening party and home to bed, only difference is that i have been having a few issues with my health. As is norm i had waited until it was unbearable before i went to see the doc after which we agreed, ok, more like he informed me that i would have to undergo some procedure but he wasn't sure when but would let me know when space came up.
Sunday afternoon, needing to get my mind of things i called H to hang out at our local joint for some meat and maybe a drink. As usual we caught up on life, drama, friends, work and family. At some point, i told him about the issues that i had which was followed by, had i told anyone in my family about it. To me, it was my problem and mine to find a solution plus i didn't want the pity and worrying that would come from my family. I got a lecture and was duly informed that our friendship was on probation. As soon as i got home in a semi-happy state, my doc calls me to let me know that he had an opening the next day in the afternoon and to abstain from food and if really hungry take clear liquids only.
I sleep as well as i can then get to work the next morning, go through the motions, mail my boss informing him that i will be away then at half one head to the hospital after calling H to inform him of the change in plans as well as a few things to do in case anything goes wrong.Then protocol begins BP, weight, temp,last meal, bla bla bla. Shortly am taken to the changing room, ugly green gown,switch off phone, jab then i have to wait.In that moment,knowing that i would be unconscious for at least two hours, a lot is going on. Questions of what if i don't get up, did H really save my folks number seeing that he was my ICE(In case of Emergency) contact and i hadn't told anyone in my family, i check for medical cover, wish i had someone to sit with me among other things.
Shortly am taken to the theater, lights, jab, counting, darkness then 2.5 hrs later from the clock on the wall.Am awake, i can hear people talking and see a nurse but cant move. I will my toes to wriggle and try to scratch an itch but i cant move, this must be how it feels to be paralyzed.Am scared,worried and relieved. Half an hour later i can move and the first thing i do is to switch on my phone and call H to announce that am alive.
I feel weak, high, dizzy, thirsty, hungry, relieved, i want to go home, confused, sad.I am dropped at home, put to bed then they leave. At that point all i want is someone to sit with me not talk just sit. I call home, order some food and milk, all is well so far. The next day is spent in bed flipping through channels, texting people who are busy at work, my internet connection wont work, tired i give up and sleep only to wake up and it was noon.Very very long day.
I must admit that i love being independent and to think that i can handle anything which is almost true but in the last two weeks i have learnt that nothing can take the place of another person. I have wished and longed that i had someone there with me, confide in, tell me it will be okay. The worst is over. While am thankful for H and my family, it just ain't the same.

Here we go again!

2009-03-11T16:56:00.004+03:00

Thanks to Shiroh and Aco, here we go again.
I’M PASSIONATE ABOUT
1. My family especially my folks.
Anyone who knows me well knows how much i love my family.
2. Cooking
I love to cook especially for a man who can really eat.I have collections of recipes and cookbooks.Sunday being my best day to try out recipes.
3. Charity
I love the smile on the faces of those receiving things that they thought they never could or even how a baby who has been abandoned clings to you when you hug them.
4. Traveling
I love to travel preferably alone that way i can be spontaneous.

FOUR WORDS OR PHRASES THAT I USE A LOT
1. For Real
2. Is all ngravy(its all good)
3. Malaria(moods)
4. Sema(tell me whats going on)

THINGS I HAVE LEARNT FROM THE PAST

1.Its always better when you share it with someone else.
2.I can only rely on my family and God most.
3.You can live with alot .
4. At the end of the day, i come first.

PLACES I WANT TO SEE OR VISIT
1. The carribean
2. Brazil carnival
3. Victoria Falls, Zim
4. The Alps

THINGS THAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY
1. Stayed at home to recover.
2. Struggled to get my connection to work and put in some work.
3. Wished my mum was nearer to take care of me.
4. Got a call from long lost friend.

Happy reading, normal programming soon.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-02-09T17:02:00.001+03:00

(copied off my facebook, Shiroh am getting to your tag.)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. My friends are 90% male with like five women that am not related to who I consider to be my sister-friends.
2. I love Uganda, there is something about it that just unleashes my wild alter ego.
3. I know without doubt that if I get to be half the woman my mother I am a sure success.
4. My dad still thinks of me as a little girl and I sometimes act like it when am around him.
5. I disconnect from people and situations with ease. Once my mind is made up I leave and cannot be convinced otherwise.
6. I come off as standoffish and harsh to people who don’t know me.
7. I still get nightmares when I watch scary movies so I generally stay away from them.
8. To sleep I have to be tired so most evenings I do at least half hour of aerobics and shower.
9. I love to read and listen to music .
10. My family is most important to me and I talk to them every Sunday evening
11. I go home(being my parents house) whenever I feel under the weather and at least once every month.
12. Most of the men in my life treat me as one of the boys and are protective of me.
13. I am not fashion conscious and prefer to be comfortable more than fashionable any day.
14. I love to cook and my weekends are used trying out various recipes.
15. I don’t know how to ask for money or help.
16. I love and enjoy being in school ,learning and discussing my point.
17. I am an ambivert.
18. I am friends with all my exes.
19. I am poor at keeping in touch.
20. I hate drama/confrontation and will almost always walk away.
21. I love God and all things related to Him.
22. Am a closet geek.
23. I blog.
24. I love traveling alone and outdoor activities.
25. I have skinny dipped at last 3 times in the last year.(See #2)

Spuds Anon.

2009-01-29T16:21:00.006+03:00

Hi am Gish and am a chipaholic. Its been 2 hours since my last plate of chips, i just cant seem to walk away especially those long crispy golden brown chips with some ketchup,vinegar, some salt and a hint of pepper(esp fried pepper).Just the thought of it has my glands salivating.

The downside of all this is best said as "sweet on the lips forever on the hips". Seeing that its a bit too easy to make, they are a common feature on my menu. I love them even more when they are spiced up, you know masala chips with coleslaw.

I knew it was time to quit or reduce when nothing in my wardrobe fits.The other day i was traveling on a bumpy road and most of me was literally jiggling then i knew it was time to quit. So here goes ...

ps: The insomnia is gone.

Help!

2009-01-07T12:31:00.004+03:00

(http://www.geocities.com/happyfreakshow/insomnia.jpg)

I can’t seem to get enough sleep since the beginning of December ’08, which was good at first since I could stay up reading for the exams. Then I completed my exams and had a few days off and all I wanted was to sleep. I got to sleep at 3am watching videos or the business channel only to wake up the next day by half six in the am. Now that the holidays are done with I want my sleep back, still have the same problem only that now I can’t seem to wake up on time to get to work. Guaranteed that the alarm goes off at six am but then am tired and sleepy. Thanks to Google and my mothers wise words I have tried all the tricks: hot chocolate before bed, hot shower, reading before bed, clearing out my mind, light meals for dinner still to no avail and the heat at night doesn’t help at all. The next day, is filled with yawns that am trying to cure with hot water, mints. Sleep aside, what happens once am asleep is the other issue. I have this dreams that I could swear are real, seriously erotic dreams(whole other post)*blush*. No I don’t need some, am not getting any but really if my subconscious is trying to send a message I already got it loud and clear.

The upside to this whole story is I have had time to listen to music I have collected over time. My friend says it must be the music that I have been playing while trying to sleep that is the cause of my dreams. You tell me I have been in the company of Marvin, Lenny Williams,The King Coles, Gershwin, Ann Nesby, Billie Holiday, Teddy Pendergrass, Bessie Smith(thanks Stephen Bess), Dave Coz, Meshell Ndegeocello, Al green, Norah Jones(thanks 31337),Isaac Hayes, Barry White, Kenny G, Etta James, Ella F, Some Neo Soul,90s R&B(brownstone, xcape,SWV) just but a few.
Anywho, I need to sort this sleep and dreams thing. Any ideas?

Ps: Pray your year is filled with God’s favor.

Mumblings

2008-11-14T09:44:00.006+03:00

A while back i made a list of the things that i wanted in a man. This list is in two categories, what i need him to have(very important) and what i want him to have(negotiable). Then i wrote a list of what i have to offer at the moment. I was going through my journal from 2006 and yes its official as much as things have changed, they have also remained the same. It seems that i still haven't learnt much about relationships save for being wary of being in one.
It seems to me that with time am more hesitant to take heart related risks. I met someone and for a minute i allowed myself to think of what can be? Unfortunately that lasted all of that minute and soon my head, as it usually does, took over and started rationalizing everything that was going on. While i love the freedom that comes with being alone , i am not keen on the loneliness that creeps in with being alone. Within the past month, i the took a friend to bury a man she had loved for five years. The pain in her eyes and the cry from deep in her soul had me wondering if it is all worth it. Yet in the same time we crossed borders so that a friend could meet the parents of a man she thinks is it. The joy and endless laughter, how she lights up when she talks of him has me thinking maybe, just maybe its all about finding that person.
I have been thinking, am not good at this dating/relationship thing. Someone close to me once claimed that he is not boyfriend material and i got to thinking what makes one relationship material? Is it the ability to stay and press on even when things look glum? Is it the ability to communicate effectively and honestly? J says that my bug is that i date/love like a man, dunno what it means so i can't explain. So here we go again, two steps forward eight steps back. And no, its better not to yearn than to yearn at all.

Count Down to the Pearl!

2008-10-06T16:21:00.003+03:00

Its Monday at half four and it feels like there was no weekend. Thank God a few urgent things are done though there a few things that are pending with deadline being tomorrow. Pressure is mounting, all in days work. One thing that keeps me going and actually puts a smile on my face. This week ends on Thursday seeing that Friday is a holiday. On that very Thursday after work shall find me headed for the border.
I am off to Kampala with my girl-in-crime Shi, there is trouble to be made.There is a couple of cold Nile Special and some Ug with Gish on them. Some Pork at Zanzi, Rolex at Wandegeya and Katoko with Gnut sauce at my friends house. I can already see my favorite hangout joints as at the last time i was there in June 08. The best thing about the trip is the clique that is waiting, boy can they party, they never disappoint always a new place to discover.
Heres to three days of absolute throw down. All i can say there might be pictures. Can Thursday get here already!!!!

WTH?

2008-09-14T19:50:00.000+03:00

Dude: “Am tempted to call you Baby. Please accept. Do you?”
Chic: “ Am hesitant since it says more than what’s going on so not just yet”.
Dude: “ please pardon me if I misbehave! How about I call you “woman”
Chic is pissed. Counts to 400. Then…
Chic: Do me a favor, lose my number. Thanks.
Dude: “Am so sorry. Thought you had a great sense of humor. I do and merely extended the same. Am sorry. Good night.

Anyway dude calls chic to clarify if the instructions apply. She tells him not necessarily. He apologizes again and wishes her a good day. Chic wonders if she is being fickle. Arrghhhhh!

Whopped!

2008-09-12T11:47:00.004+03:00

My life has been comfortable by and large with just enough pressure and stress. That was until yesterday, i saunter into class literally and even before i sit am informed that i have a research paper that is overdue. Whats with people flashing their completed assignments can't they just hand them in quietly, show offs.After that comes the handouts i missed, upcoming exams, other papers whose deadlines are in a week or two tops. I get home, fix a snack and Google till late. This is cool though some of the material i find is irrelevant, in the middle of the whole thing, the reminder for the 7:30am meeting with boss man pops up. Decide what to wear and force some sleep, cant sleep so i watch a bit of Sheep in big city only i end up more alert.

Alarm, its 5:45am get out of bed its raining outside, turn on the heater, mumble a prayer get back to bed. At quarter past six, boss man sends a text that he cant make it to meeting so move the meeting for later. Great, only am awake and cant go back to bed so i put on some music and make a cuppa to drink, while i get ready. Its Friday, time for the weekly meeting where departments heads brag about their achievements or defend their peoples for not meeting targets. While at the meeting, i get the ultimate wake up call. Rehearsal is over, stage is set time for me to go on and do my thing. As at now, all i know is that am in major trouble. I have to tweak my schedules and while i know i should be panicking or worried instead i have a rush that i cant explain. Time to draw work plans, dust the card holder, get ready for meetings and ask for patience because some meetings incite homicidal thoughts.

Now that work and school is kicking my ass, time to bust a move. Looks like this weekend will find me at the library. I dislike libraries too quiet for my taste, makes want to burst out into a song or poem then blame it on some disease.

Lastly, a quote from Sheep in big city

Ranting Swede: I'll tell you one thing that really clips my begonias... Coffee Tables! Is every beverage in the world going to want its own table now? Oh, here's the coffee table, here's the tea table, oh, watch out! Here's the lemon-flavored seltzer water table. Where's it all going to end? I drink both root beer and diet root beer. There'll be no place in my house for my shoes! And another thing, if they can put a man on the moon, why can't they leave him there?

Have a blessed and easy weekend my peoples!

Ermm ermm

2008-09-10T16:22:00.005+03:00

So i have been a way for a minute, have so many half written posts arrggh. Every so often i get home after a long day and can't stand the telly, movies so i play some music. Early this week was The Reggae Gold album, lets say i rediscovered how low i could go as well as shocking the neighbors with the loud noise. Ah! the simple things that make me happy!

To a brother who is always there when i need him including the last two middle of the night chauffeuring to the hospital. Thanks for comforting me as well as taking care of me. Thanks for not laughing and not reminding me what i was blabbering. Thanks for looking lost but cool while i cried.I owe you more than one. You are a true friend. God bless you and yours.

Are that somebody?

2008-08-21T15:25:00.002+03:00

Long post ahead but see if you are one of them?

(Ref: Men who can’t Love by Steven Carte and Julia Sokol).

Commitment phobic men/women may display SOME or MANY of the following behaviours:

1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".

2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.

3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.

4. They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.

5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.

6. These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.

7. Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again.

8. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.

9. They spin stories to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.

10. They tend to treat the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.

11. They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.

13. Commitment phobics behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.

14. They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.

15. They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.

16. They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.

17. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.

18. They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.

19. They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.

20. They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.

21. They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman shouldn’t meet these people.

22. When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.

23. A commitment phobic won’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.

24. They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely.

25. They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman for being demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.

26. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.

27. They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.

28. Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends places, with parents or ex-girlfriend’s.

29. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.

30. Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.

31. They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation. Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.

32. They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.

33. They are often unfaithful in relationships.

34. They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman.

35. Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defences because they don’t want to get too close to a woman, or vice versa. If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned instalments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another relationship.

36. If a man has been married he may void putting his divorce papers through as he can use this as an excuse to keep a woman at bay. This helps him to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.

37. Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etc

38. They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.

39. These men know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women.

40. The word “forever” terrifies these men. Love doesn’t scare them; rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative belief system about love and relationships.

41. They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more because they want the woman to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.

42. Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a personality disorder.

Upgrading... please wait

2008-08-14T11:39:00.004+03:00

We all struggle with issues(read habits/people/things) in our lives that we know are not the way they ought to be or the way we want them to be. Sometimes at first attempt we set our resolve and its done. Most times we have to try, try again and just when we think we have nailed it, we get tempted or distracted then relapse. After one too many times, i decided to turn my issues to someone i have known all my life, God. With the help of my Ma and my bible study group i asked them to help me pray for an unspoken need. Unspoken need is when you need people to pray with and for you but you cant tell them the details.

I started by asking God to prune me, to rid me of all issues that were holding me back as well as derailing me. Truthfully, it is an easy prayer but i wasn't ready for what would follow. First, was persons who to me i needed their friendship, you know familiarity,sense of belonging, i love them , good times among other reasons. I found myself telling God the role and value of each person that He impressed to me to let go. Some habits and beliefs that were inculcated in me since i was a kid, words that i use because they capture my sentiments accurately. Some of the habits that i have learnt while growing up which define the woman that i have become as well as a few "survival" mechanisms.

Then i asked for the ability to say NO, which for me is particularly difficult to say to people i love and mean alot to me. Maybe even to say no to responsibilities that am asked to take on yet do not have the time but go ahead and pile them on. I am learning to say no with or without explanation depending on the situation as well as the person asking. This has allowed me to focus on fewer things which greatly improves my quality of work plus the added benefit of my very own free time to do as i wish.

Like most people in this day and age i wish i could just flip a switch and issues would be resolved, unfortunately that is not an option. I was reading my journal last night between 2005/6 and while a lot of issues have been resolved there are a couple that have remained the same. Yet some of those resolved issues when i wrote them in they seemed insurmountable, now its like they never were. Change is hard but necessary and am still being upgraded yet some of the things that am most grateful for is the support, people who are real and progress bar that keeps moving.
So what are your issues?

Am blessed!

2008-08-13T10:04:00.005+03:00

I want to shout, real loud hoping to ease the pressure or is it excitement then call A and spill it all out but i cant do that ,while it lasts i intend to enjoy it to the fullest Lord help me.

10 years on- Not forgotten

2008-08-07T11:51:00.003+03:00

Daima (Kenya only) - Eric Wainaina

Umoja ni fahari yetu (Unity is our pride)
Undugu ndio nguvu (brotherhood/kinship our strength)
Chuki na ukabila (hate and tribalism)
Hatutaki hata kamwe (we don’t want at all)
Lazima tuungane, tuijenge nchi yetu (we must unite and build our country)
Pasiwe hata mmoja (let there be none)
Anaetenganisha; (that will put us asunder)

Chorus:
Naishi, Natumaini, (I live, I hope)
Najitolea daima Kenya, (I devote myself to Kenya)
Hakika ya bendera (The surety of our flag)
Ni uthabiti wangu (is my stability)
Nyeusi ya wananchi na nyekundu ni ya damu (black is for the people, red for the blood)
Kijani ni ya ardhi, nyeupe ya amani (green for the land, white for peace)
Daima mimi mkenya (Forever, I am Kenyan)
Mwananchi mzalendo (a patriotic citizen)

Kwa uchungu na mateso (with pain and suffering)
Kwa vilio na huzuni (with tears and sadness)
Tulinyakuliwa Uhuru (freedom was attained for us)
na mashujaa wa zamani (by the heroes of old)
Hawakushtushwa na risasi (they were not frightened by bullets)
au kufungwa gerezani (or to languish in jail)
Nia yao ukombozi kuvunja pingu za ukoloni (their purpose was emancipation – to break the yolk of colonialism)

Chorus

CLIMAX:
Wajibu wetu (our responsibility)
Ni Kuishi kwa upendo (is to live with love)
Kutoka ziwa Mpaka pwani (from the lake to the ocean)
Kaskazini na kusini (north to south)

We still remember. We pray that it may not happen again in these lands or others.God bless us all.

Emotion labelled Fear

2008-07-21T14:55:00.005+03:00

Fear: be afraid or feel anxious or apprehensive about a possible or probable situation or event; and some of my very own are:-
1. Snakes and creepy crawlies.
2. Scary movies and stories.
They result to nightmares sorted by either sleeping next to someone or Bible plus rosary under my pillow after endless prayers.
3. Snakes coming up the drain pipe or toilet and biting me.
Don't ask have a very active imagination.
4. Growing old alone and having no one to share my life with.
5. Getting married and then it doesn't work out.
6. Failure.
7. Slipping on the tiles and hitting my head hence unconscious or choking to death seeing that i live alone.
8. Loss of family and friends.
9. Being pregnant and raising a child alone.
10. Situations that make me feel helpless or cannot explain.

I have been accused of being a commitment-phobe but i figure am just scared of being hurt having been there and done that. At the moment am at a place where i know what i want but i cant muster the courage to say it to you. I know you read this blog and i just want you know that am thinking of running away. Maybe its cowardly to you but to me this is the best course of action i can think of now seeing that i need to find the courage to say it or quell what i feel for you. I need to learn how to resist you and to say no every so often. My running does not mean that i like you any lesser just that i need space to sort this jumbled up mess that is my feelings for you.

Brrrrrr!

2008-07-14T11:18:00.003+03:00

The past six weeks have been cold with the worst day being that fateful Tuesday when we were at nine degree centigrade. Am sure some of you are thinking that's not so bad, here it is. This weekend found me snuggled in bed seeing that the weather was less than friendly. I got to thinking about couples who have planned for a garden wedding, does that mean the bride has to find a white sweater/shawl/poncho lest she freezes even before i do and by the way can you ask the priest to skip some parts so that it ends faster.

Beginning of another week, its freezing cold, drizzly and no i don't have a sweater only endless cups of hot chocolate that comes with endless trips to the throne. I got to thinking, what if there was an agency where you could hire someone to keep you warm until the cold season goes away. All that is required is that you a small fee to view the profiles of the men/women who are the body-warmers. The Sales Rep show you to a room where you see the video clip of the person that you think might be good for you. Finally you make the selection of the top three as required by the fine print, then you schedule to interview them, surely its the least you can do seeing that they will be sharing your bed. After the interview you agree on the terms and conditions of the contract therein the reporting hours, code of conduct, expectations from either side etcetra etcetra. So deal is signed, you give directions to your house and that evening you come home to an already warmed bed aah bliss!

If only it was that easy, these are the times when being single is so hard (and yes Kat i heard you). Seriously, how many hot chocolates can you take in an evening? Even worse how do you sleep in a tee, track, socks, sweater arrrgghh i miss feeling the smoothness of my cotton sheets.

Why oh why?

2008-07-02T10:49:00.005+03:00

Does size matter?

Why are men so comfortable with nudity, they just strip and strut around whether
they have a six pack or pot belly, ashy skin, bad legs, unshaved or shaved "Jordo"?

Why do some TV channels insist on airing programs/movies that are not
family friendly as early as 8pm with nudity and cursing? Come to think of it is it
just me or do most cartoons have an adult theme?

Why do some women feel a need to flirt with bus conductors so as to either not pay
fare or pay half of the require amount, Is it really necessary even in the name of
cutting costs?

Why do some men hate on women driving big cars always assuming(loudly) that they
are mistresses or driving daddy's car or boyfriend's car and even if so, then what?

In this day and age, why would one feel a deep need to flash his/her business
card/title all in bid to get some attention. How about trying to develop some
conversation skills?

Most of the men i know will pick up the cheque or go dutch which is good either
way, that i can handle. Abeg you explain the breed of men who just sit there and
wait for women to pay and no they wont do dutch either!

Do people generally realize that there is a difference between making love and
having sex?

When you buy someone a gift or treat them to something,do you realize that the
receiver owes you nothing but gratitude.In the event that you want more kindly let
the term and conditions/fine print be known sooner than later.

Why do i always need a holiday to recover from my holiday?

Why do we as women set such low standards for men?