Maryland Divorce Legal Crier

Fresh Start After Divorce

2008-06-06T15:47:00.007-04:00

After dealing with issues like adultery, cruelty and abandonment all week, it is good to run across a positive and constructive website like FreshStartAfterDivorce.Com by Jolie Winberg.

She has a lot of good ideas for dealing with divorce like making every Wednesday an empowering day.

Yesterday, she had Dr. Terri Levine, a guest coach, present ten ways to get more out of your life.

Winberg is a good example of someone who has turned a bad experience like divorce into something helpful and inspirational for others.

Divorce Advice

2008-06-05T12:03:00.001-04:00

Divorce is difficult and costly. Avoid it if possible.

Sometimes you have no choice. It takes two people to get married, but only one to get divorced. If your spouse wants a divorce, then you can slow it down, but you cannot prevent it altogether. Someone determined to get a divorce is allowed by law to get one even if one of the parties does not want a divorce. Or maybe you just made a mistake in marrying the person you did, and you need to correct it and get on with your life.

If you do have a choice in the matter, then the first question you have to ask yourself is do you really want a divorce. The answer may not be clear to you right now. The decision to stay in your marriage or leave it is a significant one. It frequently takes time, sometimes years, to make this decision. So it is alright to stay in the inquiry stage for a while. Here are some of the things you need to think about before you decide to get a divorce.

Sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know. Although you may not get along with your spouse, you may dislike being alone even more. Eating by yourself, watching television alone and sleeping by yourself can be difficult.

If you have been away from the singles scene for awhile during your marriage, you may find it to be an uncomfortable situation. You are older now. You may have children to deal with.

Two may be able to live as cheaply as one when they are married. But in a divorce you are trying to pay for two separate households with the same money that previously supported one. This usually means there is not enough blanket to cover the cot. Sacrifices must be made and your standard of living might go down.

Divorces involving custody fights over children are the worst of all. The stakes are the highest they can be. The children are right in the middle of conflict between their parents. Children usually bounce back from divorce with time. But that does not mean the bounce does not hurt. Children experience regret, blame, depression, anxiety, guilt and anger during a divorce. Their lives will change forever. The family is breaking up. The family home may be sold. Visitation and child support have to be established.

The decision to obtain a divorce is a difficult one. There are more decisions to make as you move through the process. Some will be hard to make. While these decisions are important, you will survive your divorce and move on with your life.

The Process of Divorce

2008-06-04T16:15:00.001-04:00

Most people think of divorce as an event. Actually it is more like a process. If you cannot reach an agreement with your spouse on various issues like children, alimony and property division, then you can ask a judge to hold a trial and make a decision. This is called litigation. You begin litigation by filing a complaint for divorce at the county courthouse. Filing a lawsuit does not have to stop settlement negotiations. Litigation and settlement often proceed on parallel tracks.

THE THREE PHASES OF A DIVORCE

A divorce has a beginning, middle and end, or three phases.

Phase One - Preliminary Legal Procedures

The beginning of your case consists of preliminary legal procedures. These include meeting threshold requirements, filing your pleadings, giving notice to the other side, appearing at a Scheduling Conference and other various conferences and hearings.

Phase Two - Discovery

Discovery, which is Phase Two, consists of rules and methods by which you discover information about your spouse’s case, and vice versa. The purpose of discovery is to avoid surprises at trial and to encourage settlements.

Phase Three - Trial

The trial, which is Phase Three, is the dramatic climax of a lawsuit.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE?

It takes about a year or more to litigate a case to completion. Add another six months if there is an appeal.

Annulments

2008-05-27T15:24:00.002-04:00

Even though it makes headlines when celebrities like KENNY CHESNEY and RENEE ZELLWEGER get an annulment of their four month marriage based on fraud, annulments are relatively rare.

Fraud is usually the basis for an annulment. Examples are failure to disclose a previous marriage, criminal record, infectious disease, the inability to have children, or the desire not to have children. Annulments have also been granted where a spouse mistakenly believes they have been divorced or widowed when in fact they are not, or the spouses are too closely related, or one party is underage, and did not obtain appropriate parental consent.

In Maryland, a void marriage means there is some legal defect that invalidates the marriage such as a spouse that is married to someone else at the time of the second marriage or the parties are blood relatives or one is underage. You do not need to file a petition for an annulment with the court in the case of a void marriage although it may be wise to do so anyway so that you have a court order of annulment.

A voidable marriage, on the other hand, can only be annulled by filing a petition for annulment with the court and having a judge declare the marriage not to have happened. Examples of voidable marriages are sham marriages or joke marriages where the parties did not really intend to marry, like BRITNEY SPEARS’ 55 hour marriage in Las Vegas. You can also ask the court for an annulment if you or your spouse were incapacitated at the time of marriage, as in insanity, intoxication, fraud or duress. Fraud can be hard to prove to a judge especially when the annulment is contested, so most people opt for a divorce instead. A divorce says the marriage is over. An annulment says it never happened.

Even CHESNEY and ZELLWEGER had trouble explaining fraud:

“Fraud was simply legal language and not a reflection of KENNY's character,” said ZELLWEGER.

"The only fraud that was committed was me thinking that I knew what it was like...that I really understood what it was like to be married, and I really didn't," said CHESNEY.

The couple also issued a joint statement through a spokesperson in which they attributed the annulment to a "miscommunication of the objective of their marriage."

It would be quite logical to think if a marriage is annuled, it is as if it never happened, and there will be no alimony or property division. The law, however, gives the court the right to award alimony and divide property in an annulment. This protects the party who thought the marriage was real.

Divorce Quotes

2008-05-26T07:13:00.005-04:00

You will never get to the end of the journey if you stop to shy a stone at every dog that barks. -- Winston Churchill

Looking for a Family Activity for the Memorial Day Weekend?

2008-05-23T14:52:00.004-04:00

I ran across FamiliesOnly.Com today, which bills itself as your one-stop local resource for “everything family” in Maryland, Virginia and Washington DC. It has blogs and forums with activities for all families, including those with married, separated, divorced or single parents. Check it out.

Marriage Problems

2008-05-22T12:44:00.000-04:00

“In any group of people there are different agendas,” said my friend, who ought to know because she has a PhD in psychology.

“And different agendas mean conflict.”

Now comes the important part. “A group is any number more than one!”

So a marriage is a group. That means two different agendas. And that means conflict.

There can be many reasons for conflict in a marriage.

1. Infidelity. Infidelity is involved in about one divorce in five. Some marriages can survive infidelity. But if there is another man or woman in your life, then you are not in a committed relationship and there is a problem with your marriage.

2. Domestic Violence. Verbal or physical violence is reason for divorce. Everyone has the right to be free from unwanted touching and physical harm. Words can hurt as much or more as physical pain. Spouses can be put out of the marital home for verbal or physical violence.

3. Control. Sometimes control is the issue. A husband may find success in the business world by exerting control. He tries to run his house the same way. A wife may stifle her emotional needs for years in the hopes that things will get better. Finally she leaves. Even if he tries to change now it is too late. She does not believe him.

4. Finances. Disagreement over finances may cause conflict. Opposites attract. A wife who is a saver might marry a spender. The wife might feel like she is rescuing the husband by providing order and a budget. The husband might enjoy the structure that the wife brings. But after a while, the restrictions are too binding and the husband rebels. The wife reacts by being even more strict than she normally would be on her own. Different financial strategies and philosophies can cause conflict in a marriage.

5. Parenting. People have different approaches to parenting. One parent may feel the other is too strict with the children. Another may feel the other parent is too lenient with the children and that the children need to learn independence. One parent may feel the other is lax about the children’s weight or medical problems. The other sees that parent as overprotective and perhaps even a hypochondriac.

There are alternatives to divorce. By the time people get to the lawyer’s office, they have usually made up their minds to get a divorce. But a few change their minds, or want to give their marriage one last chance. In that case, there are a few things you can try.

It is difficult to discuss these issues with your spouse. And some couples have no communication at all. You have to get your thoughts out of your head and into your mouth and then onto paper. Sometimes all it takes is sitting down at the kitchen table and talking to each other. However, most of us think that if we talk and talk, the other person will finally be persuaded that we are right. That will not work in this situation. You both have to listen and acknowledge what the other person has said before you speak.

Mediators are trained professionals who remain neutral and will help you reach agreements. It may be possible to negotiate a post-marital agreement to resolve some of the conflicts that have arisen in your marriage. In addition to finances, you can even include such details as who will cook meals, who will carry out the trash or how frequently you will have sex.

Counseling is a good way to figure out what to do. The marriage counselor will ask questions that help you think more clearly about what is going on and what you want. The marriage counselor will help the two of you communicate better with each other and provide ways for you to resolve your conflicts. When control is the issue in a marriage, sometimes all the couple needs is a good conflict resolution mechanism.

Saying "I Divorce Thee" Three Times Doesn't Work in Maryland

2008-05-18T17:35:00.004-04:00

Since our law offices are in a prosperous suburb of Washington, D.C., we see more than a few divorces of World Bank or International Money Fund employees. And these cases frequently involve splitting up a million dollar house and a million dollar pension.

Irfan Aleem was a World Bank Employee. He and his wife, Farah Aleem, had about two million dollars to divide in their house and pension plan. She filed for divorce in Maryland seeking half.

But Irfan and his lawyer had another idea. Irfan, a Pakistani citizen, went to the Pakistani Embassy in D.C. and performed talaq, a divorce under Islamic law. He signed a writing that said:

1. I Divorce thee, Farah Aleem.
2. I Divorce thee, Farah Aleem.
3. I Divorce thee, Farah Aleem.

Irfan then took the position that the house and the pension were his property, and he owed Farah only $2,500, an amount he had promised her at the beginning of the marriage.

The Court of Appeals of Maryland found that the talaq did not afford the same protections of due process for divorce, prenuptial agreements and division of property that Maryland law did. Therefore it would not grant comity or full faith and credit to the talaq. Farah is entitled to half of the marital property. Aleem v. Aleem, Maryland Court of Appeals, No. 108, September Term 2007, filed May 6, 2008.

Wife Sues Husband Over Lottery Ticket

2008-05-16T13:00:00.004-04:00

I wrote recently about how too much money can cause as many divorces as too little money. This story from the Miami Herald is a good example.

Arnim Ramdass, a 52 year old airline mechanic, married Donna Campbell, a 48 year old former model and beauty contestant, in 2005.

Then in June of this year, Arnim hit the jackpot with a winning lottery ticket he purchased in a pool of 17 co-workers. His share of the $20,000,000 prize was $600,000.

But instead of celebrating his good fortune with Donna, Arnim didn’t tell her about it and stopped coming home. Donna found out about it by Googling Arnim’s name.

She filed suit for fraud and half the money, but the case was dismissed yesterday by Circuit Judge Jennifer Bailey for failure to state why she was entitled to the money. The Judge gave Donna 20 days to file an amended complaint. I am betting the amended complaint will also ask for a divorce.

Finding Opportunities in Divorce

2008-05-12T13:35:00.004-04:00

“Divorce creates opportunities,” writes Michelle Odessey today in her Real Estate Investing Blog.

She is talking about the opportunity to buy a house at a bargain price because it is being sold due to a divorce. Sometimes, the parties are selling the house by agreement. Sometimes, when the parties cannot agree, a trustee will sell the house in a public auction on the courthouse steps.

“While you may not feel good about divorce in general” says Odessey, “when you’re able to keep an eye on legal notes that include divorce filings, in many cases you will find something that’s beneficial to you as a real estate investor: motivated sellers."

“When homeowners file for divorce there is going to be a point in time in the not too distant future when they decide to act quickly and to liquidate their shared assets - and that’s when the real estate investors start to benefit. If the parties looking into a divorce are focused on splitting everything or they simply need to liquidate the property to cover the expenses associated with the divorce, it’s possible for you to jump in.”

This is what I call a “special situation”. If you look hard enough and long enough, you will find special situations. Sometimes these are the best deals around.

(Side Note: This special situation rule also applies to finding a mate. If you think all the best ones are taken, look for a special situation, like someone between marriages.)

More Divorces in a Recession?

2008-05-09T15:52:00.002-04:00

Does a recession result in more divorces? Correy E. Stephenson writes in her article, Breaking Up Is Even Harder to Do, in The Journal Record, that the impact of the slowing economy on divorce can be felt in the housing market. She quotes me in the article:

And James J. Gross, a partner at Thyden, Gross & Callahan, says he hasn’t seen a large change for his clientele in the wealthy suburb of Chevy Chase, Md. – at least not yet. But while he hasn’t had to work with foreclosed properties, he has noticed a shift from splitting profit to splitting debt. ‘There has been a downturn in the housing market, where we only used to see profit and houses would sell very quickly. Now we are seeing minimal gain or loss,’ Gross said.

Certainly, economic stress can put more pressure on a marriage in trouble. But I believe that macro economics has little to do with people getting divorced. If a couple has a good marriage, they will weather economic hard times together.

If they don’t have a good marriage, they will have troubles when they don’t have much money and they will have troubles when they have lots of money. I have just as many divorce clients now as I did when gas was low and the stock market was high.

Divorce Doesn't Make Resilient Moms Poorer

2008-05-05T16:58:00.004-04:00

Public policy researchers at Duke University wanted to know the economic effect of divorce on mothers.

“What we found surprised us: the average mom who divorces ends up with just as much income as a similar mom who stays married," says Professor Elizbeth Oltmans Ananat, as quoted in the Sun-Sentinel.

“Why? Divorced moms are resilient. They move in with relatives, switch from part to full-time work and, perhaps most importantly, 70 percent remarry.”

Twelve Things You Can Do to Get Over Your Divorce

2008-05-02T15:53:00.001-04:00

“There is a great life that lies ahead after divorce,” claims Greg Frost at SelfHelpStation.Com. He notes that while it may be tough, you are free to start over with a completely new life. You can change jobs or move to another town. “You will find that there is a lot of hope that lies in the bounds of the aftermath,” says Frost.

Having been through divorce myself, and helped lots of others through divorce, I can guarantee that you will survive divorce. Although you may not feel like doing much except feeling sorry for yourself at first, here are a dozen things you can do to get back on your feet.

1. Join a gym.
2. Take Karate or kickboxing lessons.
3. Join a running club.
4. Take dance lessons.
5. Start a singles group.
6. Join a beach house.
7. Get some therapy.
8. Go to church.
9. Play racketball.
10. Talk to your friends.
11. Participate in politics.
12. Help someone who has more troubles than you.

Anything you can do that gets you active and gets you out of your own thoughts will move you along the path to divorce recovery whether you realize it at the time or not. Then one day, what seems like a mountain in front of you now, will be only a speed bump behind you.

Divorce Quote of the Day

2008-04-30T16:57:00.000-04:00

My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.

- Cathy Ladman

Spousal Support

2008-04-29T10:25:00.001-04:00

Spousal support, also known as alimony, is supposed to be temporary and "rehabilitative." Rehabilitative means to an economic functioning level, i.e. earning a reasonable living. The public policy is to assist the former spouse to be self supporting.

If temporary spousal support cannot bring about rehabilitation, then the court can, in proper circumstances, order spousal support on a long-term or indefinite basis. Indefinite spousal support is granted less often these days.

Technically, husbands can get spousal support from wives, but it rarely happens. Spousal support is based upon the relative needs and resources of the parties. The legislature has set out certain criteria for the courts to consider and they include the following:

Maryland
Virginia
District of Columbia

Indefinite spousal support can be raised or lowered over time if there is a change of circumstances. If you do not get spousal support at the time of the divorce, you cannot get alimony later on.

Living with someone after the divorce, regardless of whether you have sex or not, may cause spousal support to be lowered or stopped. Death of one of the persons paying or receiving spousal support, or marriage of the person receiving spousal support, will terminate alimony unless the divorce settlement agreement provides otherwise. The court can require a bond or put a lien on property to ensure the payment of spousal support.

Divorce Grounds

2008-04-28T14:50:00.002-04:00

If you are filing for divorce, you need to have grounds before you file. We don't mean coffee grounds. Grounds are reasons for a divorce. In Maryland and Virginia, there are both fault grounds and no-fault grounds. DC has only no-fault grounds.

All divorces require proof of grounds. If you cannot prove your grounds for divorce, accusing your spouse of these grounds may be grounds for the award of legal fees to your spouse. Pending the final divorce you should not do anything to give your spouse any grounds for divorce because it can probably be used against you.

The grounds for a final divorce are as follows:

Maryland
Virginia
District of Columbia

Note that in Maryland you cannot be living separate and apart under the same roof if you want to file under voluntary or involuntary separation grounds. Virginia and the District of Columbia provide for separation while living under the same roof but this may be difficult to prove.

Court Awards Damages for Interference with Visitation

2008-04-23T12:00:00.005-04:00

by Michael F. Callahan

Michael Shannon and Nermeen Khalifa Shannon had two sons Adam Osama Shannon, born February 9, 1997, and Jason Osama Shannon, born January 10, 2001. Mr. Shannon had been awarded physical custody of Adam and visitation with Jason. Ms. Khalifa’s mother, Afaf Nassar Khalifa, visited from Egypt and Mr. Shannon agreed that both boys could travel to New York to visit a cousin. Nermeen and her mother promptly, and by pre-arrangement, flew with the boys to Egypt where they remain. Mr. Shannon has not seen his sons since.

Michael sued Nermeen, his former wife, her mother, Ms. Khalifa, and her sister. A jury awarded Michael compensatory damages of $500,000 from the defendants and punitive damages of $1,100,000 against Nermeen and $900,000 against her mother.

The Maryland Court of Appeals in Khalifa v Shannon, 2008 Md. Lexis 182, upheld the awards after an extensive review of Maryland law on abduction, enticement and other old theories of recovery for legal wrongs. The Court held that its prior cases recognized a tort of interference with parent-child relations, including interference with visitation, so long as such interference was substantial, as it clearly was in this case. The Court also upheld the punitive damages award. A concurring opinion differed with the majority saying that the Court was recognizing a new tort (a theory of recovery for legal harm) but agreeing with the result.

The Court was writing in broad stokes in this case saying that interference with custody or visitation is something a parent can sue over. It will left for future, less egregious cases, to define the limits of the tort of interference with parent-child relations. There will be many questions such as how much interference is enough (or rather too much) what defenses can be raised, and how damages will be determined.

Country Songs I Wish I Had Written

2008-04-17T10:04:00.003-04:00

We've been educated.
We got liberated.
And had complicating matters with men.

Oh, we've said "I do"
And we've signed "I don't"
And we've sworn we'd never do that again.

-- 80's Ladies by K. T. Oslin

How Much Alimony Will I Get?

2008-04-16T14:04:00.006-04:00

That is one of the two hardest questions for a divorce lawyer to answer. The other one is, “How much alimony will I have to pay?” The real answer is “I don’t know.” But no lawyer wants to say that to a client.

The reason we don’t know is that alimony is left up to the discretion of the judge, based on several factors (like age, health, income, length of the marriage, etc.) set forth by the legislature. The Court of Appeals, in Whittington v. Whittington, (CSA No. 06-32, January 4, 2007), has said that we don’t use a statistical approach to determine alimony.

The results vary widely from case of case. They bewilder anyone who has tried to plot alimony against incomes and marriage duration. There seems to be little rhyme or reason. By way of example, I was in a class recently with other attorneys, where we were given hypothetical facts and asked to write out an alimony award. There were 34 attorneys in that class and 34 different alimony awards.

Comes now the Kaufman Alimony Guidelines Calculator, a free web based computer program from the Women’s Law Center’s Bruce A. Kaufman Center for Family Law. The program asks for age, education level, number of children and health expenses. The program then uses a formula (developed by a lawyer in Michigan from “thousands of cases”) to recommend an amount and duration for alimony.

It is important to note that these guidelines are not binding on the court, and if a court relied on them alone, it would be reversible error. But at least one judge says he uses the guidelines as a starting point for analyzing cases. Certainly they will be used by attorneys in settlement negotiations. Most importantly, lawyers will now be able to give at least a preliminary answer to those "how much" alimony questions.

Thanks to Caryn Tamber at the Daily Record who brought this to my attention.

Pakistani Divorce Not Valid in Maryland

2008-04-13T19:05:00.004-04:00

28 years ago, Irfan Aleem of Pakistan was 29 years old and studying for his Ph.D. at Oxford. In an arranged marriage, he wed Farah, who was 18 at the time and had just graduated from high school. The premarital agreement provided that Irfan would pay Farah $2,500 in the event of a divorce.

Irfan and Farah lived together in London, then moved to Maryland in 1985. They had two children, both born in the United States, who are now 19 and 22 years old. Irfan works at the World Bank.

Unfortunately, they did not live happily ever after. Farah filed for a divorce from Irfan in March of 2003 in the Circuit Court of Montgomery County, Maryland. Irfan filed for divorce in Pakistan through the Pakistan embassy. The Pakistani divorce was completed before the Maryland divorce, and Farah was denied a share of Irfan’s World Bank pension.

The Maryland Court finished its divorce proceedings in June 2006, finding the Pakistani decree invalid, and ordered Irfan to share his pension with Farah.

Irfan appealed to the Court of Appeals of Maryland.

Irfan claims that the Maryland courts must abide by international comity and defer to the Pakistani decree. His lawyer argued that denying a pension share to an ex-wife is not so fundamentally contrary to Maryland’s laws and policy so as to render the foreign decree invalid. He noted that Maryland courts have upheld divorce decrees from other states that have denied one ex-spouse a share of the other’s income.

But Judge Lynne A. Battaglia said Maryland courts are by no means bound by a foreign country’s family-law decisions. The principle of international comity, under which deference to foreign rulings is generally given, is not absolute and may be suspended when the overseas ruling profoundly contradicts a state’s policy, Battaglia said. The judge said the duty of one state to give full faith and credit to the divorce decree of a fellow state is rooted in the Constitution, but the principle of international comity is a diplomatic gesture not binding on other countries.

Divorce Quotes

2008-04-12T11:31:00.001-04:00

When I married Mr. Right, I didn't know his first name was Always. -- Anon.

What Once Was Ethan Allen Is Now Just Sticks N Stuff

2008-04-08T16:58:00.005-04:00

Dividing up the furniture and furnishings can be a difficult task in a divorce. But this is the tail wagging the dog. Most of the value of the marital estate is in the house and the pension. Furnishing and furniture might account for 5% or less.

Sometimes when everything else is agreed upon, folks get stuck on dividing the china, crystal, silverware, jewelry or the frequent flyer miles. Whenever this happens, and it is not logical or profitable, I usually think that they are hanging on to the marriage or the fight instead of the property.

If you want a reality check, jewelry is worth one third of what you paid for it, the minute you walk out of the store. Look at the classifieds and you can find used diamonds, which in truth are not one molecule different from new diamonds, going for as little as $500 a carot. Gold may be selling for more than $800 an ounce, but your jewelry is measured in grams, and the pawn shop will give you around five dollars or so a gram for it.

Furniture depreciates around 20% a year, so if it is five or more years old, it is essentially worthless until it becomes an antique. And if you don’t believe me, go to an auction or a used furniture store.

The Kelley Blue Book is online to tell you what your automobile is worth. Don’t forget to subtract the car loan.

Each spouse can hire an appraiser to value the real estate at $400 or $500 each, then if they disagree they can appoint a third appraiser. Or you can ask a realtor. Or you can simply agree on the value of the house. Zillow.Com will give you a value for free. If you still want to fight about it, Zillow also gives you a range of values or you can fiddle with the assumptions and comparables to get a new value.

I mention all this so that you can weigh the value of what you are fighting for, against the legal fees that it is going to cost to get it.

2008 Super Lawyers

2008-03-28T13:36:00.005-04:00

THYDEN GROSS AND CALLAHAN LLP is pleased to announce that partners, James J. Gross, Michael F. Callahan and Lois R. Finklestein, have been selected as Maryland Super Lawyers and District of Columbia Super Lawyers for 2008.

The Super Lawyers selection process includes peer nominations, a blue ribbon panel review and independent research.

Only five percent of attorneys are selected each year.

Play the McCartney vs Mills Divorce Game

2008-03-27T15:56:00.002-04:00

If you are feeling deprived because the divorce battle between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills is over, you are in luck.

Dave Parrack at Tech.Blorge.Com directs our attention to Splash and Grab, a free computer game at MuccaChucka.co.uk where you can participate virtually in all the action with the ex-Beatle and the ex-model and their lawyers.

You also get a chance to participate, if only virtually, in the $48.6 million award to Ms. Mills. In the game you throw cups of water at McCartney and his lawyer, Fiona Shackleton, who keep popping up in various places in the courtroom.

Your award keeps growing as you hit your targets unless you happen to hit the judge by mistake.

Don't Try Your Divorce Case in Letters (Six Mistakes Lawyers Make)

2008-03-25T16:01:00.006-04:00

You should see some of the mail I get from other divorce lawyers. If you are going to write me a letter, try to avoid these six mistakes that lawyers make.

1. Don’t be a bully. I’ve been doing this for over thirty years and I have been around the block. You are not going to scare me into doing something my client doesn’t want to do. Does that ever work for you? Sometimes I think you are writing this letter to your client to show them how tough you are. Next time, maybe you should just copy me.

2. Don’t be rude. I have had lawyers call my clients liars, bounders, philanderers, gold diggers, no good run-arounders and worse. Here’s a newsflash for you. People are more likely to negotiate favorably with someone they like than someone they don’t like. Didn’t your mother ever tell you that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar? Or if you’ve got something bad to say about somebody, don’t say it? Instead of calling my client a liar, why not say my client is mistaken?

3. Keep your ego in check. A new client has brought me the file from her former lawyer’s office. It is three inches of letters between counsel. No settlement offer. No complaint for divorce. Just letters mostly about who is returning calls and who is not. The client has paid thousands of dollars for this contest of egos between lawyers.

4. Don’t tell me what the judge is going to do. We both know that you don’t know and I don’t know. I’ve won cases I should have lost and I’ve lost cases I should have won. A divorce case is like a football, in that it takes funny bounces, and you don’t always know where it is going to end up. Unless you have a crystal ball that is less cloudy than mine, don’t give me your predictions. That is like getting the critic’s review before the performance.

5. Let me have your proposal or your specific objections to mine. It is not helpful to tell me that your client rejects my settlement without giving me a counter. Then I have to write back and ask you for your specific objections. I am not going to bid against myself so don’t ask me to make a more “reasonable” proposal. When I get a letter, as I did recently, that starts out, “Jim, you’ve got to be kidding,” I stop reading. So if you have anything you want to say, say it before you write that sentence to me.

6. Don’t try your case in letters. I get long letters from lawyers telling me why their client is right and my client is wrong. That’s because lawyers are taught in law school that people will change their minds if you only talk long enough and persuasively enough to them. It takes a long time for lawyers to unlearn what they learned in law school and to learn how to practice law. People are not persuaded by argument. They are persuaded by asking questions and meeting their needs and interests. So most of my letters are one page or less. Sometimes once sentence, like “We do not agree with your letter.” We try our cases in court. Not in letters.