Escaping Into The Open

Holy Week Revisited

2009-04-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, I wrote this post about a part of my faith dying. I had a great deal of sadness when I wrote this wondering where god would show up next and if I would recognize her/him. God showed in a huge way in a wonderful little community, Journey Imperfect Faith Community.

While I adore Journey and all that god is showing me in this community, there has been a longing for reconciliation with my tradition. It tugs and nudges at me especially during holy week. As I was processing this with a wise woman- I began reciting the baptismal covenant - we receive you into the household of god.

Tears flowing, I said, They dumped me.

Big pause and then like a 2x4 it hit me- yes, in a moment in time the church made up of imperfect people treated me and my family badly. Then just as I had recited the covenant, I began to list all the church had given me throughout my life - the people taught me about a god , the people who had loved me and the people who did ministered to me. I looked up at the wise woman and she said, "that is what we call acceptance."

This past Sunday on Palm Sunday I at woke at 8:50 rolled out of bed- threw on clothes and was standing at the entry as the organist began playing All Glory Laud and Honor. I stood alone with my palm in hand- unlike two years earlier- I felt it- god was there.

I ran home, picked up the crew and headed to my new community. The kids processed palms in hand- I felt it- god was there.

Reading back through the Service for Holy Baptism in the Book of Common Prayer, I am reminded what was said over me in baptism:

Lisa , you are sealed by the Holy Spirit in Baptism and marked as Christ's own for ever. Amen

Just like the people at the tomb- we get disoriented- god looks different- we are afraid that the end of the story is death. I have found myself holding tightly to little deaths. Yet, in god's own time something new is born. And to that I say- Alleluia. Christ is Risen and in the next breath I say- Shazam!

What Does Money Mean To Me?

2009-01-26T17:30:00.000-08:00

Bob shared with me a podcast from Speaking of Faith. It was an interview with Rachel Naomi Remen about the current economic crisis. I was so riveted by it that I listened to it a second time and took notes.

Here they are:
Remen started the discussion by suggesting that the current financial crisis forces us to face three key questions.

1. What can be trusted?

2. What sustains me?

3. What do I really need in order to live?

Remen said that the economy is pointing the finger to a spiritual emptiness that many of us experience. She described money as the densest form of human energy. She then suggested that energy follows beliefs. This moves us to ask: What is a good life?

She described some of the beliefs many of us live by. These include- I am not safe. I am alone. No one will help me. We buy into these beliefs and they become our story. She said they become our small story. The story that tells us that comfort is life's goal. Our deepest yearnings become lost because we are following the small story in order to fill ourselves.

Remen described how her own life has changed. She shared that she is now asking what is important as she shops in the grocery store. She believes we are now awake and uncomfortable. This leaves us asking the question what do I need to let go of? what is worth working for? Human energy becomes valuable again.

This talk reasonated with me on so many levels. Since the first of the year, Bob and I have been meeting every Monday morning to look at our finances and make the plan for the week and track our progress towards our goals. We both suck at managing money. Luckiliy, we both work hard to compensate for this. However, this current crisis has challenged us to become more conscious not just of what we make but also of what we spend. There have been some ugly moments as we face the reality of our own over spending and waste. However, there has also been some newfound joy.

I really like to cook. I have been cooking quite creatively to make food go further. Eating out has become the luxary it was meant to be rather than a mutliple times a week activity. These could all just seem like tactics, but they are actually more than that. At the root, we are deciding what is really important to us. What gets cut first? What is holy to us and will be the last thing to go? Even more than that, I have been reminded as Remen points out what sustains me. The things that sustain me are pretty simple- the people I love, a hot bath, warm coffee, books ( I got a library card), a journal, an internet connection. Truth is I don't require all of these things to be happy. I can be sustained simply by the people I love.

Our dear pastor,Rick, said on Sunday- what if we just have to live on less. For some reason that stuck with me- I can handle that. I will not die from that. I might even become a better more interesting and creative person from it. I might find a way to live into a bigger story that is not limited by the stuff that the lulls me to sleep.

New Year- Be Present and Love

2009-01-13T09:57:00.000-08:00

It's a new year and I have been thinking a great deal about where my life is moving in the coming year. Last year was rich- full of new people, new relationships, a great deal of travel, a new home base. At the beginning of 2008, I made a collage of my intentions for the year- it was very colorful, vibrant, maybe even a bit chaotic. Interestingly, the year was very similar to my collage.

I have had trouble so far this year making a collage for 2009. My intention is not as clear as it was last year.

Part of me would love life to slow down a bit. I'd love to take a little more time to breathe, to meditate, to do art, to write. I'm not sure that this requires life to slow down or me to be more intentional in my practice. Maybe it is a little of both- I can't really meditate or pray on super speed.

I also have some things that I really want to see grow in the coming year. My new business, www.collegematchpoint.com. In addition, I want to deepen the friendships and relationships that were born in 2008. Learning to be more vulnerable with people was huge for me in the last year.

More than anything, I want to be fully alive and aware in each moment. To enjoy and love those I am with. When I think back over the last year little moments of joy hold fast in my memory:

- Hiking on a sunny day with Bob as we celebrated our 25 wedding anniversary
- Wrapping 21 crazy presents for Mary for her 21st birthday
- Watching Katie and her crew dress up in camo to toilet paper a house
- Pulling the yarn down on Easter morning at Journey
- Sitting in our Fred Group in a moment of deep pain and feeling an equal amount of
deep love
- Watching Bob, Mary, and Katie laugh at me as the waves crushed me at the ocean
- Sharing our love of creativity with friends at an art party
- Enjoying a perfect (and I mean perfect) cup of coffee in LA
- Going to Sedona with women I didn't know and coming back with real friends
- Flying kites on the beach with the Grodems
- Having dinner, wine and the best conversation with Jane
- Enjoying a long visit with my Mom in May
- Seeing my dearest friend, Teresa, after 10 years
- Hearing a student say, "there is hope for me."

I could go on and on with great little moments. There were of course moments of deep sadness as well. We experienced our first death of a friend this year- a close friend. It broke our hearts and still does, but getting to be present with him and his family through the illness was an amazing gift.

I'm not sure there is any plan for me this year other than to be present and love. As for the collage, the trick is always not to overthink it- just choose images and go for it. This time next year maybe the images will make sense.

Friday Morning Ramble

2008-06-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

The past month has been a whirlwind of activity. Mary was here for 2 weeks. It was so lovely- I don't really have words for it. We talked and talked. We laughed. Our little family came together in wonderful little moments- playing cards under a tree, going to the movies, bike riding. I was struck how much Mary had grown up during these two years in college. She is thoughtful, deeply engaged, and quirky as ever. I just love being her Mom and this new phase of our relationship.

My Katie, turned 12 and is embracing her inner teen with great passion. I am humbled and amazed at well she adapted to her new hometown. We had a great birthday party for her. Texas agrees with my little girl and I could not be happier.

My Mom visited us for a week while my Dad was in in Africa on a mission trip. We had a great time. It was fun to have a chance for her to catch up with Mary.

Towards the end of my Dad's trip he had a serious fall in Africa and shattered his shoulder. He had to return early and have a full shoulder replacement. He is doing well and has been well supported by a loving community.

That's the news.....

Me- I'm both tired and energized. I've been going very fast for the past 8 weeks or so. I keep dreaming of curling up with a book by the ocean and unwinding. In California, when life got tough I would head over the hill to Half Moon Bay. The first site of the ocean would allow me to breath. There is lots of beauty around me in Texas, but I haven't found that spot or it hasn't found me. At the same time, I am so deeply humbled and thrilled with the connections in my life. My kids love me and teach more that I could ever imagine. My parents continue to grow in a way that I hope to follow. My sweet, sweet husband loves me and supports me through it all. This all sounds a little cliche as I type, but it's not. It's messy at times, but I am very happy with where my life has landed.

My work with Schools Attuned has been very good this year. I have really enjoyed working with teachers and helping them in their quest to reach all learners. I have been imagining a new business to start. It is fun to think about new possiblitilies and the synergies of my background in counseling, teens, and education. I'm thinking of starting an educational consulting practice focused on the post secondary options for teens with learning differences or mental health issues. This summer I'm finishing up my certificate at UCLA in College Counseling. It's going to be fun to see where this goes.

Our community continues to be a huge blessing and support. We have an every other home group which has exceeded my expectations. I love coming together as a group and the space we have created for each other. I still deeply miss my Anglican roots and tradition. This feels like a wound that has not yet healed or resolved.

This Friday morning after a long update- I feel grateful for beyond words for all the people in my life. I am a tired lucky woman.

Happy 12th Birthday Katie

2008-05-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

Katie Grace Carlton came bolting into the world 12 years ago. She rocked my world. Such a strong, creative force- she really made me take a look at myself in a different way. Few things can melt my heart like those big blue eyes and curly blonde hair. Katie makes me laugh, she makes me think but more than anything she makes me feel oh so loved. I a am lucky, lucky woman. Happy Birthday Katie...your Mama loves you!

My new "space"

2008-05-05T06:46:00.000-07:00

For the past 7 years or so, I have always had a "space" that is just mine. It started in my late thirties when my spirit was hungering for a deeper connection to god. In a fit of wild abandon- I created an art room in my garage. This was quite unexpected as I am not an artist.

Katie was about 4 at the time. Each day while she napped I went into this space. Sometimes I wrote. Other times I painted some very weird pictures. Then I began journaling on the back of the pictures. Some days I would write out my thoughts on a big white board. Mostly, I just showed up. It was a rich time for my soul.

I went back to work about a year after the garage art room. I deeply missed my daily ventures to the spirit world. I could see that some of my friends were relieved
that I was coming out of my little hermitage.

The garage room was dark. It was private. It was a phase. I only had books from women authors. The "he" god was not welcome.

I have tried to recreate this space in all our houses since that time. It has always been a bit disppointing. No room has quite the grit and intimacy of my old, musty garage.

This morning I was praying out on my screened porch. It's raining. The music is playing. For some reason, the kids in the house behind me are outside in the rain. The table is covered with art materials.

I get it. My new room is wide open. No hiding here. The neighbors can see me. The birds and the squirrels. The cute neighbor cat that keeps me company most days. Friends are invited to break bread here. My new room -the room for my spirit is wide open. Fresh air. The rain is leaking in just a bit. The intertwining of nature and community are inviting my spirit to escape into the open.

Spring Cleaning

2008-05-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

Today we did some awesome spring cleaning. We rearranged some furniture, threw out some things we haven't used in 8 months. It was very refreshing.

Internally, I have been doing some spring cleaning as well. I have been looking at some of my deeply held beliefs- those beliefs we form early in life to make the world a safe place. Something about hitting this mid life point makes me much less tolerant with some of my deeply held beliefs. I no longer feel willing to "obey" them which is causing a weird twist in my emotional life.

As long as I can remember, I have made people happy or comfortable. In of itself- this is a good thing- perhaps even a gift from god. However, I don't think god put me here to just make everyone happy and comfortable and I find myself tiring of this role. I don't want to dance as fast as I can to jump through hoops to make sure that everyone else is taken care of.

This week someone asked me to speak with a friend whose son was feeling suicidal. This was a reasonable request as I have done this for many people over the years. However, when this request came in- my soul shouted- No! Hmmm, I thought, how selfish. I sat with it for a few minutes and decided to give the person a referral. She was cool with it.

For me, I realized that I am not open 24/7 for everyone's problems. I care deeply about people and I am committed to being there 24/7 for my family and dear friends, but I am not giving myself away to anyone and everyone. It feels bitchy just to type that.

Here's the deal- there can be a fair amount of ego involved in "helping" eveyone. They need me, therefore, I am powerful and important. I never need them; therefore, I am self sufficient and superior.....not!

My call right now seems to be learning to become vulnerable. Admitting that sometimes I am tired or down or unsure. I have to learn to let others be with me- to trust others. I find this so difficult. Somewhere deep within I am unsure how that is going to play out. I am so much more comfortable with other people's issues and pain, but so much less comfortable sharing my own.

In my spring cleaning- I am losing the open 24/7 for business sign. I am also opening the door to my soul and letting other be there for me. I hate to throw things out. I always worry I'll need them one day. I'm notorious for going back and grabbing the things out of the bag. The old clothes are already at the Good will. Hopefully, my internal care taker is enjoying a nice vacation on a sunny island far away. Good riddance, my friend.

Creating Dream/Prayer Boxes

2008-04-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had the lovely opportunity to facilitate a booth at A Spacious Day, a part of the very cool A Spacious Place organization.

Creating a Dream/Prayer Box

Instructions:

1. Spend a little quiet time thinking about the intention for your box. What do you
want it to hold? Is there a specific theme for your box? What color is that? What shape?

2. Pick a box and decorate it. Be creative.

3. Take some time to meditate on the words you want to put in the box. They may be very specific or general. You may want to use just one word or a series of words.

4. Add words to your box as new prayers or dreams open up.

5. Re-visit your box occasionally and offer gratitude for what has unfolded.

6. Enjoy!

Here is poem that might help you in your reflection:

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Two Worlds Colliding

2008-04-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

We pulled into the drive overlooking the lovely Texas hill country. The sun was beginning to set. As we walked down the path towards the lovely home, my body relaxed looking forward to an intimate evening of music. Many warm faces greeted us from our amazing faith community. Gratitude filled my heart as I thought how much comfort and love I feel from these new people in my life.

We scouted out two lovely aisle seats and then walked outside explore the natural beauty. We grabbed a delicious cup of peach tea before heading back to our seats. The room was intimate holding about 100 people -big beamed ceilings, lovely stone fireplace – candles burning. My soul settled deep into the seat.

As I scanned the room I noticed a face that looked vaguely familiar. I was going through my internal Rolodex. No she was not a Journeyer. Slowly, I realized that she was from another part of my life. Then it hit me, Sally Smith. An ordinary woman- she too had aged over the 15 years since I had seen her. In many ways Sally Smith was just a passing person in my life. Our paths probably only crossed over a 3 month period. Sally and I participated in a Christian Women’s Group in the early 90’s or late 80’s – not really sure.

Here is what I do remember. Sally was real, authentic, and messy. I was instantly attracted to something in her soul. She wrestled and questioned and I was entranced. Was this really allowed in The Church of Incarnation - the very traditional parish where my mother was raised and married, where the people did not pass the peace because it was invasive. Yes- according to Sally this was allowed and I was in!

Weeks of the group proceeded- stuff was shared in that group that still amazes me. One of the most uptight women I’d ever met- perfectly coiffed hair, tight plaid jacket- began to unpack all the things that were hiding under her neatly polished exterior. Sally as our group leader held no judgment to the rigidity or to the desperate need to let it go. At twenty-six or twenty-seven I felt like I had been allowed into the real show and I was fascinated.

I was a bit of an emotional later bloomer. At 27, I had not separated emotionally. I followed the rules and lived closely to the script. Our group leader, Sally, honed in on me like a laser beam. Gently, she encouraged me. I left those weekly meetings wondering who I was and how I really wanted to fit into this world. Internally, I started questioning all the walls that were holding me in.

I saw Sally a few times individually. I don’t’ recall much about the session except that I felt freed to begin to ask the question-who am I? No- I did not want to spend my life dancing to anyone else’s song. I had absolutely no idea how to find my song. However, sitting in that office across from Sally one thing was for sure – I wanted to step out and try to dance.

Sally moved away. Within a year we left Texas and moved to New York. As I tried to figure out who was this girl in the mirror my life, my dance was clumsy- I fell more often than I soared- but slowly an ever-dim rhythm began to beat.

As I approached Sally to re-introduce myself– she looked a little blank and then I could see the recognition in her face. She recalled how meaningful our little group had been. She and her husband also just moved back to Texas after years of living out of state. Her children that played with Mary in the church nursery are now grown. She inquired about my little girl. My little girl grew up into an amazing young woman. I had another baby years later I said. Hardly a baby now- but so much moves and changes in 15 years. Her husband joined the conversation. In a weird twist of fate he too had gone to Episcopal seminary in the last 10 years and ended up leaving with deep wounds as well. They asked the inevitable – where do you go to church? I tried to describe Journey- I felt myself back pedaling about why we had left the mothership. She interrupted and said we’d love to visit there with you some Sunday. Without words we acknowledged that life with the mothership had been complicated. After chatting for about 10 minutes, we hugged, really hugged- honoring a spiritual connection of the past.

I woke up this morning wondering if we will ever meet again or if in that one glorious night with perfect music my two worlds collided into beautiful harmony.

Unraveling The Yarn

2008-03-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

I felt almost sad today that our wonderful, messy art installation would not be hanging above us next week. I like to look up and see my messiness intertwined with those of my fellow travelers. I have grown attached to the yarn and to the burdens that I have affixed to it.

During holy week, I want to surrender these burdens – to give them up, to detach from them. This scares me. The idea of hanging them from the yarn was vulnerable, but the idea of letting them die at the foot of the cross is terrifying.

I realize that this is not one of those try harder moments. However, with God’s grace this could actually happen.

What would be born on the other side of that?

Truth is – I have no idea. Therein lies my fear.

I know that God loves me and that I am to love others. My mapping and planning abilities have failed me. However, if I am honest with myself I hear little stirrings – hints of where the Spirit is calling me.

Not surprising they are related to the words I wrote on the index card.

God seems to be calling me to step out of my comfort zone as it relates to money. This is an area where I still hold tightly to a plan. I’m not sure if the plan is the problem or the underlying mission of the plan. What if I viewed money as something given to me by God to do well in the world? My fear radar kicks into overdrive just after typing that. I begin to worry about retirement, college educations, house painting, the landscaping I wanted to do. I really was not put on this planet to die with a big retirement or even to send my kids to the best colleges or to have the most beautiful paint job. I am called to be Jesus on this earth. I want to walk to the cross with this in my heart.

Of course, all this seems to always lead back to shutting up the fear voice in my head that speaks with a loud megaphone. Stop… I want to scream at the fear. Love trumps fear each time. The trick is to hold so tightly to love that there is no room for fear. Love takes me outside of my life and myself to the world around me. As I move outside of myself, my worries subside.

Here’s my prayer for holy week:

God wake me up. Help me to have the courage to step out from my comfort. Let me wrap myself so tightly in your love that fear cannot enter. Open my heart to love those who come in my path. Loosen my grip. Keep me somewhat unsteady as I move towards the cross. Let your love grow in me with great abundance.

Be Not Afraid

2008-02-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

Today in church we did a wonderful exercise of looking at what it is that keeps us from God- from connecting with God. We wrote down these things on index cards and hung them on yarn that was hanging wildly over the congregation.

The three things that came to me were- fear, money, and shoulds.

Fear is the big over riding issue for me. It is so scary to think of surrendering to the radical message of Jesus. The older I get the more radical I sense this call is for us. My fear is the messiness involved in following Jesus- it is not tidy and buttoned up. It is not dogma but it is the call to be Jesus in the world- to all the world not just those like me- those who are sick, sad, poor- those who make me angry, intimidate me.

The fear comes from a few places. Fear that I actually can't do it. I'll screw it up. I'm too weak. Someone will think I'm weird. I'll be a bad parent by not providing properly for my children. I will die from it. Seriously, I can get so afraid that I am sure I will die. Then, I just have to hunker down and try to feel safe. This is not the abundant life God imagined for us. Putting that fear down as we move towards the cross scares me to death. I don't know how to do it. Sometimes I think that the first step, admitting to God that I don't know how to get rid of this invasive fear. Slowly, I can emerge from my safe space of hunkering down to look out and see the world and the light and the beauty. I don't want fear to cloud and darken the horizon for me. I want to live into the Kingdom here and now.

I think about how many times in the Bible it says, "Be not afraid." I always think about young Mary as the angel comes to tell her the news of her impending pregnancy. The angel replies to Mary, "Be not afraid, you have found favor with God." I think, yeah right, this poor girl, her whole life is turned totally upside down. "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said."

This is the faith I'd like to have on the way to the cross. Not in some plastic navitiy scene way, but a real belief that God is God and will love me and take good care of me through all situations. In my heart of hearts, I want to hold onto this notion, Be Not Afraid.

2008-02-08T11:55:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking about lent and where God might be calling me to go in these 40 days. Yesterday, I went for a long walk around the lake. I was thinking about what I needed to fast from or give up. I was totally drawing a blank.

I saw this wonderful tree with bright red berries. It caught my attention and I stopped for a minute to take in the beauty. Amongst many trees that have gone gray for winter here was this vibrant, striking beauty.

It hit me that during these 40 days perhaps my task is to notice all the beauty around me. Not in a sappy way- but to really take in the beauty of the people I meet, the beauty in myself (ahh). Often we can get so focused on all the gray that we just miss the wonders that are right before our eyes.

One constant that I am hearing is to be here now- fully present. Part of this means letting go of those things that hold me back from the now. This is a tough concept for me. I sometimes find a weird comfort in staying in the past. It's familar - kind of like my favorite green sweater. The problem is my green sweater is too heavy for Texas. I feel a little bit like a small child, do I really have to let go. I think the answer I'm hearing is yes. In order to live fully as God calls us our feet have to be firmly planted on the path of today. When the lovely red tree is front of us, we have to be looking in it's direction in order for ti's glory to bless us.

May your day be full of beauty and truth!

Dialing For Hope

2008-02-04T18:54:00.000-08:00

Tonight I have been doing something very out of character- I've been making phone calls for Barak Obama. I have never been a big political person. I consider myself pretty cynical about politics. However, there is something about Obama that has captured my interest. At first, I was a little scared to give myself over to it. Typically, my candidates lose. Plus, I consider myself a feminist, therefore, the idea of not supporting the first female candidate for President seemed a little wrong.

Why tonight do I find myself calling strangers in California and Colorado? I guess I'm buying into the possiblity that just maybe there is hope and just maybe things in Washington could be a little more honest. I'm still cynical- I don't think Obama is going to right all the wrongs. I still be think the political system is fatally flawed. But tonight I'm feeling a little proud to live in a country where we can reach out and encourage others to vote. I'm proud to ask strangers to consider that there may be a better way. If only for tonight, I feel a little more hopeful and a little less cynical then maybe they are right- Yes We Can.

What If The Christians Decided To End Poverty?

2008-02-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

What if all Christians got together and decided to work to end poverty?

Last night a rag tag group under the loose name of Austin Change gathered for a potluck. We were discerning together where God might be calling us to work here in Austin. The group was diverse in theology and age.

It was a time for us to wonder out loud how Jesus might call us to respond to our community.

One of the most moving points fo the evening for me, was when Kester told a story about a friend who suggested to him that the Christians should decide to end poverty. We all sat thinking and then with quiet conviction Robyn said, "yeah, like why don't we?" The room was quiet as we all let that thought sink in.

Since reading , Irrestiable Revolution by Shane Claiborne, I have been pondering the boundaries of my faith. How far out am I willing to push that? I tend to hide behind being a parent. I have to have great schools for my kids. I have to live in a safe neighborhood. I quietly assume that my family is entitled to a certain level of comfort. This is not fully consistent with the teachings of Jesus. Last night, it was great to hear where God is challenging others. Someone mentioned that they were feeling hope as we we discussed the possibilities. I too felt my spirit lift as the evening concluded.

If you live in Austin, feel free to join us for our next meeting. Keep up with Austin Change on Facebook or shoot me an email.

Peace to you this day!

I Miss......

2008-01-31T09:41:00.000-08:00

Grief- feelings of loss- that's where I'm sitting today.

While I love being in Austin and I wouldn't change the decision, I am grieving what was left behind.

I miss history, shared history. Ten years in one place holds lots of my life, my kids lives. To date the biggest decisions, mistakes, and victories took place there. All of the souls who shared life with me, they held this history with me. Now, I feel like I am holding it all and it sometimes feels like it bubbles over.

I miss routines. Where do you buy a decent cheap Christmas tree? Isn't there a Saturday sandwich shop that knows I want a turkey sandwich on an oatmeal roll with cranberry sauce? If I am running late, of course they held one back for me.

I miss daily contact with old friends. You know the friends who know you aren't okay when you say you are. Who remind you that the last time you tried that it didn't work out so well. Yes, you do love him when you want to kill him. They are going to be fine she reassures you as you worry over your children and she says this with conviction because she has seen them in their worst moments.

I miss spiritual landmarks. I'm upset and confused and I head over the hill to the beach. The first glimpse of the ocean causes my body to relax. Walking through the door of Mt. Calvary Monastery, god will find me here. Places to run to-places that are touch stones to the holy. These physical spots have been critical to my spiritual sanity.

I miss remembering. Seeing my friend drive by with her kids in her car reminds me that her husband is very ill. Seeing the courtyard at the elementary school and recalling the quiet sobs as a beloved teacher died unexpectedly. Seeing the candles lit on San Calos Avenue after 9/11. Looking out at the high school and seeing my sweet daughter walk across the stage.

Taking a Mental Health Day

2008-01-30T07:36:00.001-08:00

Today I'm rising slowly. I've decided to take a mental health day. I have minimal work that needs to get done today. I'm going to recharge the batteries-read, sleep, eat a good breakfast, lunch and dinner, take a shower, read , sleep.

For the past week, I have felt myself worn and tired. Yesterday I found my to do list from the last day of the move. I read through it and thought no wonder I'm feeling a little ragged. This has been a big 6 months.

One of the things I have learned in the past five years is to surrender to these moments. When I try to push through life gets ugly.

I'm off to fluff my pillows and settle into a nice quiet day.

Blessing to you this day.

Unsettled

2008-01-29T20:01:00.000-08:00

a tired day...lots of work, a little conflict, feeling more than a little unsettled. life transitions are hard. today was a day when i'd like to go have coffee or wine with my friend, jane and just chat till the burdens settle and the clouds move.

i hate typing that i'm tired or that i have a not so good day. i hate that I let a coworker get me all worked up. i hate that i sometimes feel very high maintenance. all this staying awake and feeling your feelings is good most of the time, but some days i just want to go back to ignoring shit. not noticing that i am feeling unsettled.

yep there is no pretty bow on things with me tonight. i am tired. i feel a little worn by the journey.

It is good

2008-01-27T18:14:00.000-08:00

What a lovely day!

We went to church and then to lunch with some new friends. It was great to hear about their lives and interests. It was fun for Katie to be running around with a bunch of kids. We have missed the looseness of connecting with other families...kids running around, adults trying to complete a story without interruption.

Church was so moving today. It was missions Sunday and all the non profits that Journey supports were represented. I had no idea how much outreach takes place through Journey. I connected with Kathy from Project Help (an agency that supports homeless children in AISD) and I may be able to complete some of my licensing counseling hours by offering her some pro bono work.

On Sunday afternoons, I have been participating in a wonderful program called Spirit Whispers. We gather around a theme each week. The session begins with music and a visual meditation. Then, the best part is each week we have a choice of two art projects.

Today the choice was movie making or watercolors. I chose watercolors. In our group we painted a painful memory and then used water to transform the picture. The theme was living water. This session was very powerful for me. My memory was represented as a big red blob and it would did not really change with the added water. At first I was getting a little annoyed. Then I started changing the colors around it. The wound was still present, but the environment where it was sitting had been transformed. It's just part of my story.

I have participated in more retreats and religious programs than I could list, but this is the real deal. People are so moved and renewed by this process. On Friday night I was telling Bob how I was so excited for Sunday afternoon to arrive. He said wouldn't it be great if all people felt that way about going to church.

Tonight, Bob cooked a wonderful mixed grill. This has been a tradition we have had for years. Somehow it got a bit lost in the move. Tonight life feels grounded. We are here. It is good.

Taking the Test

2008-01-25T12:54:00.000-08:00

I graduated with my Master in Counseling in 1991. In my final interview with my Professor I told him that my Practicum had taught me this was the worst job a human could hold. I said I'd rather flip burgers at McDonalds than listen to people all day who have no interest in changing. Ouch.

Life just hadn't taken me on enough twists and turns yet to realize the holiness of listening and being present with another.

On April 4 I am taking a big step towards becoming a licensed therapist. I'm taking the dreaded National Counselor Exam. I really want to pass it the first time.

I have started studying. Luckily, running a Crisis Center requires one to get very knowledgeable on laws and ehics. Unfortunately, not so much help with the dreaded statistics. Bob was a stat tutor in college so he'll help with that.

I'm really not real clear where I'm going with this licensing thing. For years, I have been a proud rebel unwilling to conform and jump through all these hoops. My old agency had to make a special clinical loop hole to keep me employed running the Crisis Center. I sort of loved teaching stiff graduate students and they'd ask me how long I'd been licensed and I'd say...not licensed...never licensed. Now that we are living in one place and not moving around like corporate gypsies it just makes sense.

Truth is I'm a Therapist....I hate to admit that... I feel like I need to defend that and explain that I actually don't like sitting around staring at my belly button. I actually like movement and change. Oh well...it just is....and so I will take the test and see where I go next.

Hula Hooping In The Park

2008-01-15T09:09:00.000-08:00

From Numerica

I wish I had a camera to capture the wonderful woman, alone in the big field on the south side of Barton Springs. She was hula hooping in the middle of the large field all by herself. She wasn't a young woman, maybe 50 dressed in jeans and a nice sweater and she was hula hooping her heart out. My radio was cranked listening to a little old folk music and I just thought you go girl, you hula hoop the day away.

Here's wishing you a hula hoop kind of day.

Holding the Scrabble Pieces

2008-01-11T12:39:00.000-08:00

This moring the house was empty and I started the morning with a little art meditation. Collaging is one of my favorite forms of prayer. Picking images and colors and putting them together to see what unfolds.

I have some huge pieces of butcher paper I've been dying to use. Something about the large size communicates that there is plenty of room to work here. I created a big prayer collage. The focal point of it is two hands holding a bunch of scrabble pieces.

My intention going into the morning was to begin to uncover what is rumbling under the surface. I'm at a career crossroads. I have a good contract in place for the spring, but it's time to explore what's next, where I am I being called. In October after quitting a very short ived job that was a bad match, I visitied with my old boss. One of the beuaties of working with someone for a number of years is that they can really provide amazing feedback. Without hesitation, she said you've got to be doing something one on one with people. She rattled off what she perceived to be my skills and gifts. I was a bit surprised how on target her reflections felt.

As I sat in quiet with the collage, I thought that's me ...sitting with people as they hold their scrabble pieces. Sometimes the pieces spell an obvious word, other times they make no sense at all, some people just can't hold the pieces, some pieces are bruised and tarnished. I'm called to be present, to sit wtih, to live along side. Hmmm.

The other image that really jumped out was a girl jumping into Barton Springs. It's now...not later, quit the I can't ...I'm not good enough....just get on with it. Hmmm.

It was a good morning, lots to sit with. I am so thankful to have found ways to sccess my soul.

I'm now sitting at Motzart's coffee shop having a great cup of coffee and thinking life is good.

A New Year Ramble

2008-01-10T17:22:00.000-08:00

2008 has come in full throttle.... I feel like I can't quite catch up to it. From Thanksgiving through New Years is a blur. Big family gatherings, birthdays, flu bugs, new jobs....all this and we've still only been here in Austin for just 5 months. No wonder I feel a bit out of breath and disoriented.

I have so many hopes and dreams for this coming year. They seem to be living expectantly just under the surface. I can't quite get to them at the moment, but I know they are there. I keep dreaming of spending a day in quite...candles lit....journal near by and lots of art materials... I sense this would help me uncover what my heart hears mumbling in the background. It will come, Epiphany may just be coming a little late for me this year.

2007 what a year--- I am blown away by all that the year held. The move was huge. Leaving the Bay Area after 10 years. Leaving friends who had become as close as family. Saying goodbye to where Katie spent her first years and where Mary made deep and lasting roots. A dear friend getting a difficult diagnosis reminding us that life is so fragile. Spending lots of time with family. Jane's father dying after such a long illness- all death is suprising and parents aren't supposed to die. Adjusting to Mary turning 20 and becoming more independent. I keep wondering when I will adjust to her being in college. Meeting the wonderful community- Journey Imperfect Fatih Community- I have been waiting to meet you for years. Moving into a home that just fits us like a glove. Enjoying the vibe of city living. Reconnecting with one of my dearest high school friends. Taking some big risks in terms of employment and not being too scared about it. Bob and I really enjoying each other and this new phase in our life. This year is one first times in my life where I could hold both the grief and the excitement from the events of the past year. They were both real and equally present. I think I bring these into 2008.

Spending the New Year in the Bay Area was so weird almost surreal. Our little town of San Carlos is a place where everyone knows everyone. In the first few hours we ran into lots of people. The guy who baked our pizza every Friday night. The kid from the soccer team that we wanted to avoid. The Batista at Starbucks. A good friend who didn't know we were in town. It was almost like looking back at a point in life through a new lens.

New Years with our dearest friends was like a great family reunion . It would have been a perfect 10 if Mary had been with us. We wondered how we would come back together but within moments Bob and Jon were talking sports, Jane and I in the kitchen drinking wine and talking a mile a minute. The kids had disappeared to the back room. One of my favorite moments was during dinner, Justin- age 11, kept saying "gosh I have missed you all." Right back at you ,Justin. New Years day was the best- spa treatments for us girls in the morning and then a wonderful outing to beach. We ended this perfect reunion with a little more football, pizza from Speederia, and big hugs until we meet again.

One of our blogger friends wrote his three words for 2007. This is kind of fun to me because each year at New Years my friend Jane gives each us a new pair of socks to wear when life is tough and in each sock is a word. My words last year were strength and clarity. Numerous times throughout the year I cussed getting strength. I'm tired of being strong and tough. Jane reminded me that I needed the word strength to move 1700 miles to the unknown. The words that represent 2007 for me are: transition, strength (i know it was true), possibility.

2007 you were good to me...so many doors gently closed, new doors with wide welcome signs appeared. And so my hope is that in the next few weeks I will have time to get quiet and hear what is possibly stirring in me for the coming year.

Blessings and peace to you as you move into this New Year!

Happy Birthday Mary

2007-12-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

Twenty years ago in the wee hours of the morning I gave birth to Mary Elizabeth Carlton. I am somehow astounded that it has been 20 years - on one hand it seems like Mary has been here since the beginning of time- but then it seems as clear as yesterday that I stared at her sweet little face and fell deeply in love.

Tonight I thank god for Mary- her kind, compassionate heart, her sense of justice for all, her honesty - may the coming years into adulthood be full of great experiences, abundant love, and a continued commitment to make this world a better place.

Through these twenty years I have learned that the child is often the teacher. From Mary I have learned to open my heart to a wider sense of love and to let down guards to become a more honest person.

Happy 20th birthday....your mama loves you!

Love/Hate

2007-11-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

Things I love: Talking on the phone especially to my parents, hearing Bob's car pull in the driveway, tote bags, anything with the Virgin Mary, Katie's eager footsteps in the morning, gardening stores, "love you" at the end of every call with Mary, my new huge bathtub, the number 650-224-2638 popping up on my cell, walking through any museum, a new novel, going to Whole Foods for my morning coffee, a great conversation, lighting all the candles in the house on Friday night, my green sweater, mismatched anything, strays, Maundy Thursday church service, the 4th of July, going to the beach alone, Bishop's Ranch.

Things I hate: The ringing of the home phone, doctors, Christmas, dentists, crowded places, big concerts, mini vans, shiny furniture, the use of the word He for God, clowns, yelling, weak coffee, people who are mean to my children, journals with lines, bad smelling candles, malls, traffic, windows that you can't see out of, TV, tight clothes, dead plants.

What do you love/hate?

Playing house

2007-11-12T05:23:00.000-08:00

I love to play house- moving things around, hanging pictures, lighting candles. I go into a bit of a creative never, never land when I am playing. It feels similar to going to a movie and looking up 2 hours later and feeling disoriented.

Last night I was playing on the patio wanting to get the plants in their "right" position. It was a purely magical moment as I lit all the candles and just felt the beauty of creation.

I feel so blessed right now- somehow that sounds too light for the my feeling. I guess it is more like deep gratitude. Living in this cool city right in the heart of the activity. I love it!

This summer we saw the wonderful movie, The Waitress. During the movie, one of the characters writes spontaneous poems. He does this often and at odd times. When we returned home, Katie added this to the splash page of our computer.

Spontaneous poem:
We are moving to Austin
and we have a cool cool house
in a cool cool neighborhood
we are so cool cool!!!!

I am definitely not cool but the house and the neighborhood are cool, cool. For that I hold great gratitude. I didn't deserve it or have to have it, but I sure do like it.