Thoughts in a box

Back again

2009-01-02T08:12:00.000-08:00

Was talking to an old friend today online. She mentioned that she stumbled across my blog, and encouraged me to keep writing. I usually read her stuff on her Facebook, which is very thought provoking and deep, bringing an added dimension which one probably won't realise just by talking casually to her. Well, she's an old friend, but we still don't know each other well, since it has been 17 years since we last met, and somehow, God brought a bunch of us primary school friends back together again. And it has been good, to see these friends outside of my usual circle of friends have been doing, and that everyone is living their life to the best of their abilities.

Anyway, after being encouraged to write again, I'm here, sitting at my comp, penning down thoughts which I haven't put into writing for over a year. It's 2009 and that's a long long time from when I last wrote. I read that blog, and realised just how long it has been, and how much my life has progressed since then.

Friends which I knew then and hung out with, I hardly meet them now.
Friends which I now hang out with, I didn't even know them then.
Activities which I was keen on then (frisbee), I don't really do now.
I was still in the army then, now I'm serving out my bond with the government.
Teaching in children's church now, which I didn't even think I would do then.
Having a girlfriend now, which I haven't even met her then, as I was thinking of another girl.

So where goes all this? I lied when I told my friend the reason I haven't been writing was that life was the same, Singapore was the same, that I've been bored and that my writings were going in circles. I think the main reason why I haven't been writing is coz I got lazy, and ill-disciplined. The other main reason is that my life is filled with SO SO much, that I barely sit down to think things through, because I'm so caught up with living it, enjoying it, craving for it, that I'm not used to sitting down to savour it anymore.

I'm making more friends that I have time for, making me meet up with a bunch of them at a time, from different places, eras and activities, many of them not knowing each other. (Sometimes, I feel like a walking SDU. Serious! But if you're my friend and reading this, please don't think I'm trying to set you up!) I'm trying to play computer games, read, chat online, doing a hundred things at a time, so that I can complete and enjoy all of them. I'm impatient when I'm doing something fun, as I'm looking forward to the next fun thing happening in a few hours. My attention span is getting shorter and shorter. While I could focus on one thing at a time for hours when I was younger, now, I get antsy after 15 minutes. I feel that I'm living life in fast forward.

(I'm surprised by the number of "I"s in this post. It seems very self-centred, but I think it's a good start to get back to writing, from my point of view, assessing my life. And, given that I haven't really done my stocktake for 2008 before getting into 2009, this feels good!)
Wait! This sounds really familiar! This isn't new, that happens to me all the time. I experienced that from my primary school days, secondary school, JC, especially college days, and even now. It's good to know that despite the changes in life, some things don't change!

Another thing that didn't change, or could I say changed for the better is my walk with God. While I know I haven't been as faithful as I can be, to read the Bible more often than once a week, to spend more time in prayer than just before I sleep or during meals, I have the inclination that I trust Him more with my life. Not that I don't worry anymore, or think that all will be good, but that I know God's gift of His son is so much MORE important and precious than anything else that I have a sense of calm no matter what happens, so long as I turn to Him. God has been good and provided my family and I with so much, one thing especially to give thanks for is my ability to provide for the family. Therefore, despite of all the financial difficulties within the family, nothing seems impossible because He's there, and He has provided.

Well, I'm getting restless again, so although I have loads on my mind to pen down, I'm going to leave it to the next post, hopefully soon. So, just some things which I want to do in the year 2009.

Read the Bible and pray more regularly, so as to truly grow in my faith.
Read more widely, especially books related to the economy, work, current affairs, etc.
Spend more time serving and loving God, my family, my girlfriend and my friends.
Greater discipline, by sleeping earlier, playing less computer games (yes, I'm playing loads still), working harder at work.

If I can do just these, in 2009, and throughout my life, that should be sufficient, more than sufficient.

Amen.

Verbal Diarrhoea

2007-08-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

This is going to a post of verbal diarrhoea. I really don't have a fixed format about what I'm going to say, and I'm too emotionally, physically and whatever the heck drained to arrange my thoughts into coherent sentences. Somehow, I figured that just letting my fingers do the typing will be kinda relaxing, so here goes nothing.

So, I've been pretty swamped with life at the moment. What? Swamped with life? How does that happen? Well, it's like being overwhelmed with lots of things, either real and supposed, mental or physical. Frisbee is taking up most of my time, training 3 times a week, getting ready for the Singapore Ultimate Opens in September. Of the 3 trainings, I only kinda truly enjoy one of them, the Saturday training. It's the least stressful, I feel most relaxed among the people, and I don't feel like I'm being judged on my performance all the time. It's also the team that I'm co-captaining, and teaching whatever I know to the people who are still quite new to the game. Somehow, although captaining is stressful, as I've gotta make sure I know what the heck I'm talking about, lead the whole training, be on my toes, the team's really nice, and they are mostly good friends. I love playing with this team because of the warm fuzzy feeling when I play with them.

Now, the other team I play with, I'm extremely stressed out everytime I train with them. I'm basically at the bottom of the pecking order, and I know that I'll get chewed out for doing something wrong, and I have to be at the top of my game at all times. It's stressful to have to go all out for something all the time. And while most of the team is friendly to me, many of them are veterans, and there's extremely high expectations out there, of everyone, and somehow, especially of me. Coupled with a few people who aren't really friendly and extremely brash, disrespectful of "outsiders" (I'm one, coz I'm not actually part of their team, just playing for them this Opens to gain more experience), I go into each training as if I'm bracing for impact. It sucks really. Sometimes, there is no "acceptance", and I don't feel part of the group at all. The good thing is that I do know a few of them, and I try to talk and interact with them more. My "mentor friend" is really nice, and has kinda my character, so we get good interactions. Other thing is that I chose this path. I know that I'm an extremely proud person, that when I get good at something, it can get into my head. That's one reason why I try to take up something new every few years, because it keeps me humble, knowing that I have to be humble to ask questions, learn from others, and not assume I know everything. Once pride gets into your head, it's hard to get it out. So I keep doing this to remind myself that humility is extremely important.

I'm also just really in this team to get better fast, so that I can bring back knowledge for my other team to learn. There's just such a huge knowledge and experience gap in my team that we need to shore up and learn. I feel like I'm doing an "exchange program" so that I can bring back valuable experience to serve my current team, which I don't mind doing, because my team really needs it, and I want to see my team play well. Well, I just have to put things into perspective and let God take hold of it, and bring me through this last month leading up to the Opens.

Daily prayers have been sustaining me for the past months. Just doing quiet time, and trying to trust in God has been one of the main reasons I'm still sane and holding myself together. The other reasons are the friends that God brings to me, to share my pains and stresses. Relationships with other people are so important in our lives, and how much you care and respect others will in turn be how much care and respect others will give you. I'm an over-thinker, which often makes me more stressed out than I should be, and somehow, I need to stop all the over-thinking and just trust that God has it is His hands, and let it be.

Other things to come slightly later, a post on some of my conversations with friends who are asking questions about Christianity, a post about evangelism, and maybe another rambling post.

It's been over 3 months!

2007-07-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been over 3 months since I last blogged. Lots and lots have happened, and I'm even sure where I should start first.

Well, my baptism on the 15th of April went well. It was a very joyful and emotional moment for me, that I know I'm part of God's family. And also to know that I would be able to spend eternity with Him. It's a real comfort, something to put everything on this world into perspective. I pray that He will continue guiding me to love and know Him more each day.

I went back to the US for 2 weeks to visit people. It was so good to SMELL the air there. It smelt sooooo good. I realised I did miss the States a lot. I stayed at my fraternity house on campus, and basically hung out with them. I didn't feel pressured to go travel and see places, but just relax, read the Bible, play computer games with the brothers, see old friends and connect with them again. It's surprising how much they change in those 2 years I've been away. The younger ones have grown up, wiser, more independent, more confident. The older ones have grown more cynical, more white haired, and agressive. Nono, just joking. They didn't change as much, just about the same. Talked to David a lot about Christ. He's curious about exploring it, and feeling a little lost in life. So just really hope that he'll find his answers in the Bible and in God. I'll love to see him be part of God's family.

Well, frisbee is going well and we'll be starting to train with another team for the Singapore Opens. So that we get better faster, as our current team is a little small to train effectively for a tournament. It's tiring trying to be a team captain, and also trying to plan the frisbee league. Luckily, people have been stepping up to help out, and it's been easier with the help.

So, I got rejected by the girl I liked. I asked her before I went to the States, and was really honest about my feelings. She was also really honest with me, and I'm happy about that, even though things didn't work the way I wanted it to. I don't feel horrible or anything bad, as I know all things are in God's hands, and He will bring the right person when the time is right. It's more like I'm just a little bummed. But we are still being friends and it's nice to know that things haven't just gotten awkward or anything. Praise the Lord that things turned out this way. I'll just have to be patient to wait for His directions.

Okay, more updates to come later.

Lord I Lift Your Name on High

2007-04-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

I'm getting baptised on the 15th of April. I am so overwhelmed with emotion about what that means that I can hardly be coherent in my thoughts. It's been something that has been sitting on my mind for a while. I wanted to get baptised last September, but didn't feel that my father will be ready to accept that fact yet. Therefore, I postponed it 6 months.

Now, I've told my parents that I'm going to get baptised, that my father has decided that he will come, even though he keeps thinking that it's too soon for me and wants me to wait another 3 to 5 years. I understand his fear that if I was to get baptised, there will be a break in the family tradition. He has always wanted me to continue with the family tradition and family line after him. Being baptised will mean that I will not follow in his footsteps. However, I will continue to love and serve him, and care for my father, hopefully even more than I do now. Eventually, he will see and understand my reasons for doing so. And I pray that God will bring my father to Him, as well as my whole family.

I just wrote a short testimony for my church of how I came to Christ and how God has changed me since I accepted Him into my life. It's a little short to bring out all that I want to say and feel. I'm just bursting with emotions today, singing hymns and making up worship songs when coming home from frisbee at the top of my voice along Orchard Road. This is in spite of me feeling a little down from some emotional thing over a girl that I like. Even at my darkest times, God has always been there for me, never leaving my side, providing me with everything. I have to trust in Him that at the right time, He will provide the things that I need, and that I have to be patient and open to Him.

I especially like the song below. We sang it in church today, and it reminds me to worship Him everyday, because He is our God and loves us more than we can ever know. It helps me to know that He's there for me, as long as I keep Him in my heart. I'll write in more details over the next two weeks leading up to my baptism.

God Bless You all!

Lord I Lift Your Name on High
Lord I lift Your Name on High,
Lord I love to sing Your praises,
I'm so glad You're in my life,
I'm so glad You came to save us.

You came from Heaven to Earth,
To show The Way,
From the Earth to The Cross,
My debt You paid,
From The Cross to the grave,
From the grave to the sky,
Lord I lift Your Name on High!

What is Growing Up?

2007-02-24T05:13:00.000-08:00

This is kinda a stupid question right? What is Growing Up? Isn't it just about getting older, getting more wise, knowing more things, etc. Is that it? Somehow, I'm not that sure that's it.

I'm 24, turning 25 this year. I look back at the things I've done, the feelings I've felt, the thoughts that I made when I was younger. I see a difference between then and now. So what really changed? I grew up. But what made me see things differently? What made me grow up? It's not just because I've gotten older. That in itself brings nothing to one's wisdom, one's growth. But I think that somehow, I've learnt to take better control of my feelings, practiced more control over the things I say and do.

My views of life is also different. When I was young, it was all about trying to be the best, to get the best stuff, to climb over others. Now, I'm not too interested in doing that already. I can't imagine spending all my time in the workplace trying to chase something which pretty much isn't worth as much as it was to me. I don't like working in the office. At least because I'm not doing anything productive.

Furthermore, I think I'm also getting soft. Soft meaning that I no longer feel invincible the way I felt even just last year. I'm actually getting jitters about where I'm going to work. I've been posted to the Ministry of Finance, and I'm scared. I feel the pressure of being put there, of being put on the fast track, of being a "scholar". I'm scared to screw up, and of having to live up to the expectations of the people inside. "What if I'm not good enough? What if what they think I'm good at, I'm actually not?" A short year ago, I would still think that I'm invincible, untouchable, and "good" to say the least. Now, where's my confidence?

Maybe I'm starting to understand how big life really is. Stepping out of college to NS isn't really the real world. Now, I've to step into a job, or the real world. Challenges await. If I am still not frightened, maybe I really haven't grown. My uncertainty is probably the result of having grown, and learning that life and work is not as easily controlled by my willpower, but rather of forces greater than my own. If I'm still going in with the attitude that I can change everything, then I'm in for a very bad time. But maybe with things in perspective due to growing up, I might be able to survive this.

I remember this phrase from somewhere. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the acceptance of it." My younger days of not feeling fear is not true courage, but rather a little foolishness and misplaced belief in youth's invincibility. I suppose now that I understand what I'm facing, and what I fear to face, I can probably be called courageous to face it now.

What is Love?

2007-02-12T05:52:00.000-08:00

Have been reading in the Bible, as well as other books regarding love. Very tempted to write a piece on what "love" truly is. Not merely talking about what erotic love is, but what "love" in its purest and highest form should be. Given that this is the period where people are most "in love" because of Valentine's Day, this should be a nice piece to write. Probably will take a week to churn it out and formulate the structure. We'll see how it goes =P

Oh, and a bunch of us are starting "The Game" in Singapore. It's like "The Game" that we play at Stanford. More details to follow!

Thinking about someone

2007-01-01T11:01:00.000-08:00

You know, sometimes, there's just someone on your mind. And has been for some time. I'm sure all of you out there have had someone in your mind before. You think about him or her all the time, wondering what they are doing right then, whether they are enjoying what they are doing, and just wondering how nice it would be to be spending time with them right now.

It's even more "intense", if you like the person beyond just a mere friendship, and want to get to know the person better, or want to start dating the person. Now, that'll really put a "boost" into the "thinking". You'll spend most of your time thinking, pondering, wondering, about every little sort of thing that one can possibly think of about the other person. It's not too good a thing to be doing that, because you realise that life doesn't seem as bright just because the person ain't around you.

THAT, was once me. Not that I don't do that anymore, but just that I have tempered it. Or so I hope. I tend to overthink things quite a bit, and also think about the person a lot. I have to make a conscious decision to break away from that and concentrate on things at hand, and on the rest of life. But usually, when I have nothing too much to do, like this nice long holiday, my thoughts naturally flow back to thinking about the person. I'm just getting better at keeping my thoughts away from my work and not allowing that and my emotions to run rampant. Maybe that's part of the "emotional maturity" that comes with age.

For the past months, I have been praying and thinking whether I should in fact be trying to date the person. I want God to be part of any relationship I'm in, and I have made some errors in the past, just assuming that God will be there. It'll be so much easier if He'll just tell me, "Hey Tee Sing, this is my plan for you. Go get her!" or, "Tee Sing, no, she's not the right one for you." LOL. But God doesn't work that way, at least not for me.

It's human nature to want things to be easy. To just let the girl jump into your arms, or to let God tell you immediately what to do. But more often than not, it's the case of waiting and trusting that the Lord has your best interest at heart. That is not an easy thing for me to do. Being an impatient guy, I want things fast, just so that I can get on with the rest of life. Which is kinda paradoxical, because the act of getting to know the girl, thinking about her, growing and trusting in the Lord, are all part of life. Where am I supposed to be rushing to once I'm done?

I'm 24. Turning 25 this 2007. That puts me on the "young adult" scale still. Despite what friends tell me that I look 27 or older, I'm still only 24, turning 25. Patience is a virtue that I hope I pick up soon. Because, it'll be one of the most important things I need in pretty much everything I'll do later on. Patience with my family, with work, with God (when waiting for His instructions), with a girl, everything.

So just a prayer to start the day and the year with. "May God my Lord grant me the patience in life to wait for Your commands, the patience to serve my family, the patience to wait for a girl, and the patience to enjoy the life given and blessed by You. Amen."

Amazing Grace

2006-12-31T20:38:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Everyone! May God shower all of you with blessings, joy and peace in the coming year!

2006 has been a great year. With it's ups and downs, joys and sadness, triumphs and failures, struggles. But throughout all that, there's always been a constant in my life, and that's been God by my side. I'll always remember that He did not promise us a life that is without pain, without struggles and without obstacles. What He did promise is a life beyond death, a life outside of this fallen world, a life with Him and Christ in Heaven. He is waiting to welcome us home to Him.

My life is filled with challenges, all the time. In work and in play, against my neighbours, with my family, even with Him. But these challenges are a way that God tests our faith and perserverance in Him. At the WatchNight service that my church had yesterday, Chris, our pastor taught us about Hebrews 12:1-3. That to run the race towards salvation, we have to do 3 things. First, to throw away all the burdens and sins that hold us down. Second, to perservere in this long race. And finally, to focus our eyes on the goal, Christ. It's not a good beginning that matters, but a good ending to the race that is truly worthy.

Below are the lyrics for "Amazing Grace". It's a song that is so pertinent to all of us, to remember in this new year, that our salvation is not from our works or our efforts, but by the Grace of God alone, through His son Jesus Christ. May you all have a wonderful, Grace-filled year ahead!

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed!

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, Who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.

So what's up!!

2006-10-31T07:20:00.000-08:00

So what's up with life? That's going to be a really long answer for that question. Well, since I'm sitting in my room, listening to "At the Beginning" at around 11.14pm, not wanting to go to sleep, I might as well do some writing that I haven't been doing for forever.

Work
Work sucks in a way. I hate getting screamed at by my Madam. She's stressed out, I give her that, and the work load on her is pretty crazy. But it's no excuse blowing up at your own workers who are trying their best to help you. Well, I'm pretty much immune to the shouting lately. And I've taken to praying for her and the office whenever she goes on a tantrum. It helps walking into the office, doing a prayer for the day, just to start the day out right, and asking God to help us. I've been more cheerful, even when my co-workers are feeling down.

There's a great Christian brother with me at work. Joseph, this spunky 19 year old who's like a little brother to me, talks with me about Christ. We can spend our entire lunch talking about our experiences, what we learnt in church, what we got through the last few days etc. It's great to have someone always there to encourage you, to talk with you, and for you to share in Christ. I think that he's probably one of the best things that have happened since entering this branch. Pray that we will continue encouraging each other in our faiths, through thick and thin, through the stressful times at work, giving praise to God and being grateful for where we are.

Scholarship & Future Work

I just ended some interviews with the Ministry of Trade and Industry, as well as my main scholarship board. I got into the Management Associates Program, which is quite cool. It'll be lots and lots of work, with the government trying to "groom" us into exemplary civil servants. =P Well, at least I have the option of taking a "Gap Year", a year to work anywhere in the world. Currently, I'm just trying to find a job back in Silicon Valley, with a VC firm. Cross my fingers and hope turn out right.

The interviews are going okay, not too bad. Just going through the process, and seeing which Ministry wants me to work for them. I'm not stressing too much about it. Probably will be much the same wherever I work. It's just work.

Frisbee

Well, frisbee is going pretty well. The Singapore Opens went okay, although I never got to play on the main lineup, but on a "side matchup". Well, I haven't trained with the team much before the opens, so I suppose that's the only fair thing to let the others who trained more play. There's also many more years of frisbee coming up.

Now, we're training layout drills. Which means a dive to get the disc. It hurts to land smack on the ground. Even worse if you get scared, and try to brace yourself, because you end up landing on your knee instead of your chest, and it hurts even more. Layouts just remind me of "JUST GO ALL OUT and DON'T CARE!" It's basically that. The more you don't care about the consequence, the better the layout is.

Life

Life is quite a jumble sometimes. I am trying very hard to keep God in my life, doing prayers everyday, on my MRT trips, walking to work etc. But even then, I'm often too "preoccupied" to hear Him talk to me. It's a constant struggle to serve Him, and do the right thing, because I'm just so used to doing everything my way. It's a push and pull everyday. I want to do this, but I know that God will not approve, so I should be doing that, but I don't really want to do that, but I should just do it because God will want me to do that...

Yet, the struggle seems so gratifying. I'm struggling against my old sinful self, accepting God and Christ's righteousness and serving Him. The feeling of doing that is amazing, washing through my body. Prayers take my mind away from the hustle and bustle of life, calming me and focusing me on what's truly important in life. Sometimes, I ask myself would I ever turn back to what I was. I look back, and then shake my head furiously. No way I'm heading back that way. Not when I've seen the light.

It's actually really nice that I'm just serving NS, and not doing real work. Coz I have a lot more time to read the Bible, pray and just shut myself off from thinking about other stuff. My favourite pastime is now getting a cup of hot chocolate at Starbucks, sitting in one of their comfortable sofas, and opening my Bible to read. Or another Christian book, etc. I can't even being to describe how much calm this has brought into my life. I'm no longer over-anxious about things, over-competitive about things. Well, I am still anxious, still competitive, but I know there's a much larger thing out there (God) and it puts things into perspective.

On the relationship side, I've been liking this girl for around 2-3 months now. I've known her for around a year, and she's the sweetest thing. Although we know each other, we have never spent one-on-one time together, nor have too much more than a general friendship. That's coz we see each other along with a whole bunch of other people once a week or so. I stand by to observe her, the way she talks to other, the way she serves others. People in the group comment that she's extremely sweet and caring too. From all these, I've started to see how good a girl she is. Best of all, she's Christian, and she serves in the Worship Ministry of her church.

I want to get to know her much better, on a one-on-one basis. Coz in a group, it's really difficult to talk beyond a general level. But it's easy to mislead someone without the commitment to go with it. So, that's why I've waited for 2-3 months, to make sure that I'm definitely going to take this commitment, before showing her the idea. If she's okay with it, we can see other. If she's not, then I will just back off. For me, I really want God to be part of any relationship I'm in. And it takes commitment on both sides before we even start the "deeper getting to know you" thing. I've been flightly for most of my life, but since probably January this year, things have been settling down for me. I pray that God will give me the guidance for this, that He will be overlooking this and guiding me along.

Well, that's the gist of my life at the moment. Wish I could have my US friends here in Singapore with me. Miss all of you out there!

Update

2006-08-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

It's been like forever since I last posted. And that's really bad. Well, not in a bad way, it's just that I've been slack in my writing and didn't feel like posting.

I'm just going to make a list of things that have happened since my last post and maybe a few comments here and there.

My birthday just passed. It was really fun, coz it was like a full 5 days of celebrations, starting from the 2nd of August (the day before my birthday), to the 6th of August. I had my church mates celebrating my bday on the 2nd, my workmates on the 3rd, with Seiwei and Joyce throwing a dinner for me, and then went to dance at Jitterbugs. On the 4th, I took a day off from work, and just chilled at home, and went for KTV with my NS workmates at night. Saturday was teaching and also dinner celebrations with the Stanford people and Shuzhen. Sunday was a barbeque at Guohao's place. So many days of celebrations, and I was so happy because I realise how much people actually care about me and I'm so touched.

Nikki came to Singapore, visiting her family and also me. She was on her way to Indonesia to dive for 2 weeks with her family. It's nice seeing her again. I met up with her after a long day at work and along with her brother Dao, we went to New Asia Bar for drinks and dancing. She left the next day, but came back after 2 weeks of diving. We hung out a little at the airport before she left for the States. Too bad she was only here for so short a time. Would have been nice to have more time to chat and talk. But, well, I'll be heading to the States soon. I probably could catch her then.

Justin Biolo and Sherry came to visit me in Singapore too! Yes, the "Reverand" came. They were here on a holiday and we caught up over dinner and drinks. Biolo's in the navy still, posted in Japan. I haven't seen him for a long while, but he's still his crazy old self. A little older, but it hardly shows. He's still as wise as ever, as we talked about the things happening in our lives. Sherry just graduated and is about to start work in SF soon. She just got her apartment and is wondering how life will be like working. Everyone's moving on and growing up. Life just doesn't stop for anyone.

I'm having my interviews with my scholarship board on the 15th of August. It'll determine whether I get into the Management Associates Program, a program that will allow me to work on a higher level to have a better look at the entire civil service. Not too sure how I'll fare, but I heard it's pretty difficult. And after that, I've to interview for my ministry to work in. I chose the Ministry of Trade and Industry, Ministry of Finance and the Ministry of Manpower. They should be fun ministries, with lots to learn, although work will be heavy.

That's about it for the update. The next one, maybe right after my interviews.

To climb a mountain

2006-05-30T05:41:00.000-07:00

So, back to mountain climbing.

Friday (19th May)
We met at Shuzhen's place at like 4am in the morning so that we can take a taxi to Senai Airport in Johor for our flight. I didn't sleep the night before, so I was really tired. I slept through the flight, and before I knew it, we were in Kota Kinabalu.

We checked into a small nice little hotel, and went out to see the sights. It was a really small place, without much to see at all. We went shopping at Centerpoint and watched the Da Vinci Code to pass time. Dinner was at KFC and we bought bread for breakfast the next day. We slept very early because we were all exhausted and wanted to be rested for the climb the next day.

Saturday (20th May)
We woke up and got on the coach that took us to the foot of Mount Kinabalu. Actually, not really the foot, but somewhere around 1800m a.s.l. When we got close to the mountain, it looked really majestic, but at the same time, a little intimidating, knowing that I would be cold, tired and exhausted on the climb up and down. But, I really wanted to do this challenge, so up I went.

We had 2 guides, a father and son pair. The son was called Roland, and I forgot what his dad was called. They have been guides for over 10 years and to them, the climb might as well be our walk in the park. The first day climb would be to the lodge at 3200m. That would take around 5 hours for us, as it was quite steep and extremely tiring at some points. My thighs nearly cramped on the last bit up. But I kept it stretched and it didn't give out. I didn't push too hard at that point because I knew that if I cramped, the next day would give me hell. The scenery was beautiful at some points, but it was also quite foggy, so we couldn't see too much.

At around 3000m, the surroundings looked really like Skyline Boulevard in California, near Stanford. It reminded me so much of the mountain biking trip that I had with David. Especially when we had to push our bikes all the way back up the trail, because it was too steep to ride up it. The climate was also very cool, and it was hard not to enjoy the chillness in the air.

When we finally got to the lodge, we were all pretty tired, and Joan suffered a mild bout of altitude sickness. We all did our stretching and chilled in our rooms. I went to take a shower to freshen up. Let's just say that the "hot water" was barely above freezing, and the "cold water" nearly froze my balls off. I showered in the "hot water" and got changed. It felt so good to have that shower. Dinner was at 5pm, and we all ate heartily. We played a bit of bridge, before sleeping around 7pm, because we had to get up by 2am to start climbing the mountain.

Fun points to note: Jason Bay did not bring these up to the mountain. Extra underwear, so he had to wear his old one for a long time. No sandals either, so he had to go barefoot, or borrow mine. Grrr. And none of them brought much water up the mountain. I brought 6.5l of water all the way up the mountain, so that I would have enough water to drink up and down the mountain. They all laughed at me, but I would have the last laugh when we nearly ran out of water on the way down.

Sunday (21st May, 2.30am)
So, we all woke up after a very unrestful sleep. It's kinda hard to sleep in high altitudes. You fall asleep for what you think is a very long time, and wake up, and you find that only half an hour has gone by. It was a tiring night trying to sleep. I slept more than the others, probably around 4 solid hours. The others had much less. But we still all got up around 2.00am and got ready to set off in night.

The climb was exhausting up the mountain. The air was really thin, and I had to gasp for air at the last few parts. Some of the climb involved hauling ourselves up flat steep rock with rope, which was a little scary. But the beauty of the night sky was worth all that. We were above the clouds, which meant that we had a clear view of the stars. There were so many! I miss that sight.

The climb lasted around 3 and a half hours, before getting to the summit at 6.00am. We watched the sunrise and took pictures of our banner. The banner said, "All your base are belong to us!" It was really fun. I haven't watched a good sunrise for too long. The beautiful blend of colors, way above the clouds. We only spent around 25 minutes on the summit before heading down. Way too short a time, considering that we spent so much effort climbing up.

The climb down took a long time too. The girls were exhausted, and they were less sure-footed climbing down on the steep rocks. In the end, Jason and I took their bags and ran down the mountain, while the girls took their time with the guide to help them down. It wasn't easy climbing down, especially with all the extra weight. My thighs hurt like mad, and it still took us the same amount of time to climb down as climb up.

We had lunch around 3pm at a lodge, and then headed back to Kota Kinabalu. We were all so tired, that we just showered and crash to sleep for 2 hours before getting up for a good dinner. We had seafood at this live seafood place, with an impressive array of fish tanks that looked like waterfalls. The food was okay, fresh, and nice. Then it was playing bridge for a bit, then off to bed, so that we could actually get up for the flight the next day.

Well, it was a good trip, nonetheless. My physique did improve, as I could actually run a little faster from the muscle buildup. I keep telling the frisbee players that we should go climb more mountains as training. I'm looking forward to more trips, with friends. See the world when you're young!

I came, I saw, I conquered!

2006-05-23T02:31:00.000-07:00

Yes! And I am back from my climbing trip. There are stories to tell, lots of them, and also pictures. (Except the pictures are with the ladies, tidying them up.)

Well, it was nice to have a get-away from Singapore. Any get-away from Singapore is good. But the climb was pretty painful. Cramps, tired feet and legs, sore shoulders and back are part of the climb. Nearly cramped on my thighs on the way up, nearly twisted ankles and knees on the way down. But none of that happened, leaving only the soreness in my muscles to tell the story. Actually, I feel a lot stronger and fitter since the climb.

Okay, I'll tell more in my next post. I'm heading out.

Just about to climb a Mountain

2006-05-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

So, if you've been reading my posts, you'll know that I'm due to climb Mt Kinabalu soon. Actually, I'll be climbing it this Saturday. That's in 4 days. I'm excited and a little scared. Why scared? Coz I'm not so sure I'm fit enough to climb all the way up. It'll be tiring, I know that. But then again, I really want to see a good beautiful sunrise from the top of the mountain. If I don't go through the hardships, how am I going to enjoy the benefits?

Well, reminds me a little of life...

Other than climbing a mountain, other things are due in my life. I just turned in my job applications for my postings with the Ministries next year. I have to serve my bond out with the government who paid for my studies in the States. I have to choose which ministries I want to work for, and turn in things like university feedback forms and my grades.

My choices of ministries are:
Ministry of Trade and Industry
Ministry of Finance
Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Ministry of Manpower

I believe that I can learn the most from these ministries, and yet still remain relevant to the private sector without having to trudge through too much of the public sector red tape. My psychological interviews are in late July and my Commission Interviews in August. These are the interviews which they will assess the type of person I am and how I can best contribute to the Singapore government. Hmm, I think that they will just probably find out that I'm like a complete rebel from the system, and just can't wait to break out of the system. I wonder where they would put a person like me =)

I'm also thinking of one of the programs that they have, the "Gap Year" program. Immediately after my National Service, I get to take a year off to work with any company around the world, not necessarily Singapore. I will not need to start my bond immediately, and 6 months of the work counts towards my bond. I'm tempted to take it, because it does not hurt to get a year off to work in the private sector. Maybe I'll head back to the States to do some Venture Capital work, or work in a start-up. These experiences will be useful when I end my bond and come out to work in the private sector again. I'm not sure how these experiences will help in the public sector though. Maybe just as a general understanding.

Well, I better start a daily newspaper reading program to keep updated with the world news. I'm keeping tab of the economy, finance and stock market at the moment. Probably will move on to politics around the world too. Hmmm, I heard that the Commission interviews are practically nightmares. I hope I don't flunk! =)

I'll write more. I know I haven't been writing much. The next episode will be about shoes. I've been thinking about writing about shoes... Why? I'll tell you when I write it.

Things that have been going on in life

2006-04-22T02:17:00.000-07:00

Well, life has been pretty okay, meaning that it's bearable. Exciting enough to warrant waking up every day and look forward to it, not so much.

Anyway, I met up with an old senior of mine, Sony. He was a Sec 4 student when I was just Sec 1. He helped train my house hockey team for inter-house games. That's where I remember him from. After so many years, he's still his same recognizable self, while he barely recognized me, since I changed so much.

He's working at AIA as an investment and insurance agent and he called me out last Thursday to talk. I went to meet up with him and found out that he was specializing in stocks and shares as "offensive" investments. To elaborate, protection is like insurance, defensive investments are more like funds, and offensive are usually the more risky stuff like stocks, to make more money. We talked about what went on with our lives since our secondary school years, and also about investments. I brough this up because it's so coincidental that I wanted to learn more about investing in stocks and shares, and here comes an old friend who's doing it for a job. He's willing to teach and guide me along, so why not? I trust him quite a bit too, which is probably the most important thing in the world. He asked me to go read up stuff and set up a dummy cash account to practice investing in stocks and go to him with any problems. I'm going to do that.

On another note, I got an email from a friend from Stanford about my blog. We weren't very close when I was there, but he happened across my blog and "was hooked". He read it from beginning to end! That's amazing, coz I would never expect anyone to be hooked to my blog. It was the stuff that I wrote when I was about to leave Stanford that he felt most keenly about, especially when he too has to leave Stanford in another year or so. The leaving was painful, and the pain stays even now. But it gets covered up with all the different things that happen here in Singapore, the apparent "comfort" of being in a country like this.

After getting that email, I started reading through my early posts again. And it struck me that I still feel very strongly about wanting to head back. But, at the same time, it gets more and more sticky here, that Singapore is getting, not more attractive, but rather more like a huge comfortable couch. Meaning that once you get in, you don't want to get out of it. I read back on my post that I wanted to keep on fighting, and I realised that I have lost the fighting will a little bit. My aim in many ways have changed to fighting to make the best use of my time in Singapore. To learn and grow, and not waste this time. No, for those US friends, do not despair. This does not mean I'm not going back to the US. I am, in fact, I have plans to return next April to visit everyone for 2 weeks. And I still really want to be back there. It's just that now, I want to live the "hedonistic" life here in Singapore, that I lived in the US. To enjoy everyday I have here, to have a life far more different from the average Singaporean. To live the type of life that an average Singaporean, even someone who has gone overseas, would never be able to grasp.

Well, this kinda also reminds me about what I read in a Christian book about how God works in our lives in such a way that if He is taken out of our lives, our lives make little sense. But I won't go there now.

This is just some random musing that I have after tutoring on a Saturday afternoon. Nothing too coherent, but generally there.

4 more weeks to climbing Mount Kinabalu! Time to get into shape!

What is the aim of life?

2006-04-01T23:03:00.000-08:00

Well, was actually thinking about this problem for some time now. I usually think about stuff like that during the day, especially when I am not doing anything, or during my travel time from place to place. What's worse is that I feel that I have no aim in my life at the moment. Nothing, nil, zilch, zero, you get the idea.

Why so melancholic? Well, everything I do right now, seems to have little or no point other than filling up my time between work, filling up time between now and something in the future. I play frisbee, I meet up with friends, I play computer games, I go read comics, I go watch movies, I watch soccer, etc. All these are just things to fill up my time and feel happy at the same time. When I'm doing all these things, I am happy. But when I stop doing these, then I'm not happy, I feel down, and of course, more than a little empty. Sometimes, I feel this more acutely, sometimes less.

I recently left an MSN message that said "I feel aimless... often joyless...". I believe there is no joy in my life, often because it is aimless, and whatever I am doing, my sports, my hanging out, it gives me nothing new in life, and is not permanent. I so truly believe that happiness and joy are such different things. I may seem happy and laughing when I am out with friends, but deep down, I feel rather empty. All my life, my aims have been rather clear. Study hard, get good results, go on to the next step in life. It was all rather predetermined. But now, all my studies are done. My "real" life has started and I am in NS, and at a loss. I have not learnt anything new in my job in NS, other than politiking and how to work Excel and Access Spreadsheets at my fingertips. This lack of learning or meaningful work is also part of the problem.

My frisbee league ended yesterday with a bang. We didn't do too well, but I had loads of fun watching the games, spending time with friends and drinking. But when I woke up today (at 3.00pm in the afternoon from all the lack of sleep etc.) I suddenly feel like I'm empty again. Like there is nothing for me to do today, and that sucks.

I need to find something that will give me joy. Not happiness, but real, concrete joy. Joy that will last even in the times of hardship and unhappiness. Something eternal, not fleeting like the games we play, the things we often do, the time-fillers that we are so good at doing. God and Christ has shown me a way, but I have yet to grasp it. Ministry and service to our neighbours, our fellow men, to glorify God and Christ. But how to go about this? Will it really work? What can I do to do that?

Maybe I'll list down some concrete steps to work towards this goal of serving others and keeping God in the center of my life, so I do not feel so empty.

1) Trim my commitments elsewhere. Doing too many things will also take time away from what the most important things are. I'll limit the number of extracurricular activities I do, like sports and also the number of extra projects I take up at work.

2) Use the extra time wisely, and not on computer games. I need to live a useful life and computer games are not useful at all. They are merely time-fillers. Take the extra time to read the Bible, talk to others about the Bible, pray and genuinely build relationships with people.

3) Participate in church more actively. I think I'm ready to help with one of the ministries in church. I no longer just want to be a spectator in church, looking on, without being a real part of it. Maybe I'll join the music ministry, since I like to sing and play the piano.

4) Talk to my mentor about all these and pray that I will find my aim and calling. Share this with my DG for help and guidance. Trust in the Lord that it will happen.

I am only 23 years old this year, turning 24 in August. I walk along Orchard Road and I see so many happy young people, enjoying their youth, walking beside their significant other, or with a group of friends. Yet I often walk Orchard Road by myself, and think about such large questions, and it invariantly puts a strain within me. I suppose it's not so far from the truth when people guess that I am closer to 30 than 20. Yet this also means that I have spent a large portion of my life in the fog, without real aim, and unless I find this real aim, I will spend the rest of my days wandering around, spending my time on the fleeting, the impermanent, and the unimportant.

I lift up this problem of mine to God to help me with it.

Another day, another time

2006-03-20T05:06:00.000-08:00

So it's been another few weeks since I last blogged. And as usual, not much has really happened in my life. Well, unless you count the occasional overtimes that I need to do at work, things have been relatively peaceful, or is it?

Well, 2 weeks ago, things have been extremely turbulent in my life. It had to do with finances and trying to do something about family finances. I was introduced to network marketing, and the money prospects were very good. But there were inherent moral issues that I had with it, but I was pressured into joining the group. In some way, I pressured myself into it without thinking too well about it. I didn't like the system from the start, but the money was the one thing that attracted me to it. It wasn't that it was easy money, you had to put in the hard work to succeed in that business. But it was very good money, that if you did well, you can make 5 digits a month. I struggled very hard in my heart and head about the entire thing, between money and the "how" of making this money. It was a very painful 2 weeks, since I was brought into the system by my friend. In the end, I agreed to join the system. I needed to find a large sum of money to do the initial investment, and I started asking around. But it was after I spoke with my mentor, that I finally realised that it was not what I wanted to do at all. I had no doubt I could succeed in that business, but the ethical and moral issues would unsettle me forever. My mentor brought a light into my life just as I was about to step off that cliff. And I turned back. I dropped the business immediately and since then, there's been a peace within me about the whole finance thing. I still cringe at some of the things that was said to me about the whole network marketing thing and I acutely feel the turmoil and darkness that was within me those 2 weeks. But I am glad that it's over and that I'm back on the right track again. Once again, I believe that God brought just the right person into my life to help me realise that He is never far away and that we should not do things only in our own power, but trust in Him. I'm going to remember this episode as a lesson for many years to come.

On to more joyful things. I just went to the Jason Mraz concert last Friday, in the Esplanade Concert Hall. He was AMAZING! Such a great performer and entertainer, with a beautiful voice. His stage presence was out of the world and his jokes original and fresh. I went with the GIC people and also some church mates. Everyone agreed that Jason Mraz was great. He had the SoCal geeky but cute look and feel, and his jokes reminded me so much of the ones me and my fraternity brothers would crack together. Coupled that I just watched "Just like Heaven" which was shot in San Francisco, I had a huge jab of nostalgia that lasted days. After the concert, we headed to Timbre for drinks and pizza and more live music. Nothing like Jason Mraz, but it was a good night out.

Saturday was mainly tutoring. I'm getting more students now, with a tuition center, so I'm working most of Saturdays now. A 6 day working week. I make way more money tutoring than my National Service, and I need it to survive. After tutoring, I went for dinner at one of my Disciple Group member's house. He had a dinner gathering for all of us. It was great coming together for fellowship and dinner, talking and chatting and getting to know each other. We even had 2 DG friends from OMF International talk to us about their ministry work and what's going on in North Korea for ministry. We chilled, and talked, and it was an excellent way to spend Saturday night. Never felt so rested.

Sunday was church, and it was really fun too. The sermon was a little draggy, but I keep meeting old and new friends at church. I met up with Wong Yann again, after 4-5 years of not seeing him. Stella was there too, along with the GIC people, etc. Going to church is always refreshing and it starts me on the right foot every week now. I had "Just for Newcomers" in the afternoon, a church session for newcomers to ARPC. I've been in the church for 7 months, but haven't been to one of these 14 week sessions, so I'm attending it right now. I miss a couple because of my frisbee league, but once it ends, I'm all the way for JFN.

Then I headed to Seiwei's place to play X-box, and watched "V for Vendetta" with Pearline, Seiwei and Kris. The movie was good! Not a typical brainless action flick with all action no plot. It had good plot, good thought processes but not so deep and heavy that you'll be stressed out with the ideology. Well, apparently, my sociology friend was so excited about watching it and seeing all the sociology implications etc. behind the movie. Too deep for me! After the movie, had dinner with Andy, Pearline and Kris at the S-11 beside Junction 8. I haven't been there since like secondary school, when I studied at RI. Not much has changed. We chatted and just talked about school, my fraternity, and church, etc.

It has been good times lately. And things just flow naturally in life. Although there are still things weighing down in my heart, it isn't as bad as before. I'm still deciding what my life is really about, but that one will take time anyway. And of course the occasional demons within me that need to be exorcised because it plagues me now and then. But all that is within control, and things are getting stable again. Need to pray to God to get rid of these demons and be able to live a truly joyful life again.

Until the next post,

Peace be with all of you! Shalom!

Heavy Hearts

2006-02-27T06:46:00.000-08:00

Things have been pretty heavy lately. There's a lot of things that are going through my head about how I should live my life and how I have to plan right now for it.

Work, business, money issues, God, relationship issues, family issues, friends, wanting to travel, live life the way I want, time, the lack of time, everything! There are so much to do and think about. Things really weighed down heavily on my heart and soul when I balance everything and I find that I'm on the short end of so many things. Money issues is probably the one thing that is weighing the most heavily. How can I find a job that will pay off everything that I need to? My responsibility to my family? That leads on to family issues and then more. It so doesn't help that NS only makes me $420 a month and I spend more time tutoring for the rest of the money. That means my Saturdays are burnt. Then I feel that there's a lack of time, and I'm exhausted and drained all the time. I feel stretched out, thinned, and everything around me seems a little less clear.

The only times when I really feel released is in church, when I do worship and listening to my pastor. Somehow, that lifts my spirits and places me back on track. But the rest of the time, even in prayer, I feel that I have taken on so much that I do not have time to actually think, or to even just take time off. Even when I have free time, I take it to rest, to play computer games, to read, but seldom to think. In fact, I just spend free time piling up with things to help me forget thinking about my problems, in that I don't want to really face it. I know the problems are huge, and thinking about it depresses me.

NS is supposed to be a time of transition, to get a feel of how I am going to live life later when I'm really working. However, I just don't seem to really go along with it. I try to make meaning out of NS, but it is so difficult. At least I get to see the big picture, and my CO helps out with that. But my Branch Head is never that helpful, and somehow just loves to make things difficult. I dislike most of what I do, and it seems an absolute waste of time. I want to be efficient, to get things going and leave on time, but that never seems to be able to happen. Somehow, efficiency in the army is like an impossibility, which leads to lots of overtime, and then I get pissed off.

Then with relationships, I get smacked in the face all the time. Somehow, even when things go well, they will have a remarkable way of turning around and smashing me in the face. I'm so tired of that happening. No matter what I do, it's always that way. I make mistakes, just like everyone does, and I try to be mature about it, to do what is best, but it comes back, and basically rips my head off. Is it so bad to be mature about it, or does everything have to be SO DAMN perfect before the girl accepts it??? It's so disappointing, I don't even know what to say. Just that I'm not thinking of any relationship at the moment. I'm going to spend my time with God, and actively wait for His decision to bring a person into my life. Going about all this is just not the way to go. So for those girls wanting a piece of me at the moment, you ladies gotta wait for a year or so.

Heavy hearts. The worst things in life. When the front seems foggy and you don't know what life brings, when the mud and swamp under your feet are sucking you down, when the backpack of responsibilities weigh down on your back like a ton of bricks, and you cannot even sit and rest because there's a pack of wolves on your trail, man, does it really suck! Then one can only pray and have faith that even in these darkest times, God is there with you always and He will not let you fall.

I pray that He will not let me fall. Amen.

Mixed up feelings with life (Part 1)

2006-01-31T01:24:00.000-08:00

Yes I know, I haven't been writing for practically forever. I felt that too, that many things have gone by in the last few months, without me taking note of it, nor actually understanding it. And the piling up of these things in me kinda requires me to sit down and think about them carefully, and sort them out. Kinda like the pensieve that Dumbledore uses in Harry Potter. I'm just getting more and more muddled with life unless I try to sort them out.

Just a quick summary of the things that have gone on in my life since November.

1) Enlisted into the army, working at AOMC, a HR department. Work is alright, I get to wear civilian clothes instead of an army uniform. It's pretty interesting too. Waiting to ORD (Operationally Ready Date) in September 27th, 2007. Long wait. Work is piling too, being the peak period in January. 8am to 11pm pretty consistently and work on Sat and Sun too.

2) Frisbee has picked up a notch. The league games are now and ongoing, every Sunday. I lost the 1st 2 games already, and my team is itching for a win.

3) My walk with God is turning up a notch too. Joining a disciple group that my friend and mentor, Seiwei goes to. Decided that I need spiritual guidance in this journey of life with God. I'm dedicating this year of 2006 to God, and learn as much as I can.

4) Friends from the US have come visiting. Brad Moore, Stephen Cohen, Katrina Bell and brother, are among the few who have dropped by. Sujey flies around the East Asia region and hangs out here too. I'm very thankful that they have come by, and would love to have other friends visit.

5) Dotaing is absolutely mad now. Everyone plays, and I'm on Battlenet nearly every night. I'm becoming pretty good at it, but still have lapses where I get my ass kicked.

6) Life in general is becoming very "stable" or in other words "boring". Predictability and repeatability are the key words here. There's nowhere I can go in Singapore to see new sights, or enjoy new things. I suppose it's the inherent feel of a small country, and that I'm in a military job, that does not help at all. I also don't have enough money to make the trip out of the country. That will have to change, for me to keep my sanity.

7) I have not too many friends here whom I share my thoughts with. Most of them are back in the States and I only have a handful of very close ones here. Yet we are all busy, which makes the time we can actually meet quite rare. I really miss the time with all the brothers back in the States. Heck with privacy. As long as I have my single room, everything else is great with lots of friends around. Although that's a college, ivory tower life, that was such a social life. Need to find a way back for that.

Pain and suffering?

2006-01-15T07:11:00.000-08:00

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
Romans 5:3-5

The calm before NS!

2005-11-18T01:27:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's been nearly a WHOLE month since I last had an entry into my blog. Just a quick update on some of the things that have been happening in my life!

1) I'm re-enlisting into the army! Yes! Woohoo! I start work on Monday, 21st of November. It has been 4 and a half months of sitting around, enjoying what a free life can be. Now, it's all coming to an end. I mean, I want to start my National Service, so I can get on with the rest of my life and get back to where I really want to be, the US. But it's also been the usual daily routine of not doing anything too much and getting to work can be a big change.

Strictly speaking, I have never had regular work that was 8-5.30pm, every weekday. So, it'll be an interesting thought about what would happen. I went through my Polygraph Test 2 weeks before to get my security clearance before I can work in the department. Should be interesting work, I hope.

2) Played a friendly frisbee match last week for Muddy Grass against Team Dratts. We won 15-8, even though we went into the half down 7-8. It was fun, because unlike just playing pickup, you were more serious about your decisions, about your running and getting onto defense. I caught 2 discs for scores and threw the winning disc that was caught by Huixing. Feels good to be contributing. Going to be playing league in January, so I have to get into better shape.

3) Doom is a horrible movie. Don't even go watch it. Not worth your time to the least. Better off saving your money to watch something else. Going to watch Harry Potter probably on Monday, as a treat for me starting work.

4) Tuition has ended for both my current students. I'm looking for more students now, mainly those in Junior College. I like teaching JC more than secondary school, knowing the syllabus better and actually being able to talk to the student on a more personal basis. Hoping to get 2-3 students weekly to supplement my miserly NS pay of $450 a month. Not even enough for me to pay my insurance and investments, and my monthly travelling.

5) Been getting emails and messages that friends from the States send me that they miss me a lot. I miss them a lot too. It's horrible not being there, being with your closest friends. I'm going to visit once I get enough money. It's great to be missed and loved and that people still talk about you even though you're 20 hours away by plane.

That's it for now. More to come.

The Sound of Thunder

2005-10-25T01:04:00.001-07:00

Today, I woke up to a huge lightning thunderstorm. In fact, it had already been going on for a while before I woke up. I could hear that it was right about my house and area, because the thunder was heard immediately after the lightning flashed.

I lay in bed for a while, listening to the rolling thunder. It was kinda scary, but it was also a very cool feeling. When I got into the bathroom to start my day, the lightning struck again and the lights went out. So it was a blackout due to the weather. Which made me think hard about how small we are compared to the weather.

Humans are cocky about their achievements and how far they have come in terms of science and what-not. But the world and the elements are still way above any amount of control. Lightning and thunderstorms go on outside, and we bunker down in our brick houses, hoping it would pass and that there would not be any damage. Tornadoes and hurricanes pass and rip up everything, tsunamis and earthquakes break up our usual confidence in our ability to control everything.

To me, thunder sounds a lot like the voice of God. That with all His might and power, He is showing His dominance and His power over all of mankind and of nature. He made all of us, and wants us to accept Him, but we keep pushing Him away. He shouts to us to repent of our sins, but we keep on sinning and going about our own way of life. The thunder reminds me of how small we are in the scheme of things, and the blackout, about how we cannot be sure that our science will ever save us, or provide us with salvation. Only through Christ will our salvation be guaranteed and we have to strive to love Him with all our hearts.

Movies

2005-10-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

So, I've been trying to catch movies every Monday, for different reasons. Firstly, it's much cheaper, only $7.00 compared to $9.50 on the weekends. Also, Monday is kinda like a extremely boring day. I don't have anything to do on Mondays, more so since the weekends are always exciting.

So today, after giving tuition to a JC2 student, I headed to Plaza Singapura for dinner and movie with Joyce. Of course, Seiwei didn't come, coz he had guitar lessons. We bought tickets for the 9.00pm Flightplan, the movie with Jodie Foster losing her daughter on this huge plane. We had dinner at Crystal Jade Kitchen and then went shopping before the movie. Joyve bought loads of cosmetics, because she never used it, and wanted to start, so that she can look pretty. Of course, when girls go shopping, they take a long time. It was kinda fun though, putting a comment here and there, and shopping with a girl is WAY more interesting than just staying at home.

Before the movie started, Joyce taught me a new game, which is guessing the advertisements and trailers before the movie starts. We would guess the exact brand that was being advertised, or the exact movie title that was being trailered. So, things like "shampoo" is not accepted, although "Lux" is. She guessed more of the advertisements of watches and brands. I got the movies, in fact, all the movie trailers. I managed to edge her 8 to 7, and won a drink from her. Hehe. And she expected to beat me easily.

Anyway, the movie was pretty good. Very suspenseful and well directed. Enjoyed it a lot. But then, I enjoy most movies, because I'm not too picky on them, as long as they are realistic and have a certain standard. Last Monday, I watched "Into the Blue", alone at Marina Golden Village, which was also good! Mainly because Jessica Alba was in a bikini most of the time and she's "DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!" The plot was not bad too, pretty interesting and I like the shots in the movie, of the beaches, the sea and of Jessica Alba.

This weekend, the movie that we're watching is "Saving Face". I'm also thinking of watching the following movies.
1) The Legend of Zorro
2) Doom
3) Transporter 2
4) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
5) Pride and Prejudice
more...

We'll see how that goes.

It's been a long time

2005-10-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so it's been a long time since I've blogged. But somehow, there's not too much for me to write about. I'm still bumming, still playing frisbee, still chilling and hanging around.

But officially, my youngest sister is the most horrible person in the world. I've been mad at her for the past weeks, in fact the past months. In the 4 years that I've been away, and my second sister in the US, the youngest have grown to think that she's the princess of the world. She has no respect for her elders, demand that everyone listens to her, and has no consideration for anyone, especially her own family. She's rude to my father, and also to me. She takes things for granted and never acknowledges when someone does something nice to her. She's become pretty much the most selfish person in the world that I know. And it sucks, coz she's my sister.

I can't discipline her, coz my parents don't let me. I'm appalled my parents let her off the hook so easily. I'm usually nice to her, but she seldoms cares to talk to me. She's living in her own private world that does not involve other people. Not a word of thanks passes her mouth when I do something nice for her. Tonight was just the last straw. I needed to computer because I promised my friends in the US and UK that I would talk to them online when I got back. My sister had all day and night to use the computer for her homework, and what's more, she has her own computer that we bought her so that she could use the wireless in school. In the end, she took the computer and chased me out of the room. I blew up at her and threatened to slap her and discipline her. Some of the things she said, I won't repeat. I'm still extremely angry at her. I'm writing this at 1.41am in the morning because I had to wait till she's done. I really don't know what to say, and I don't have anywhere to vent. I'm still extremely tempted to go slap her across her smug face. I've seldom felt this angry at anyone, only once in a long time, but this was really the last straw. I've put a password on my computer, so that only I get to use it and she has to get permission.

Arggh, this is a really shitty way to end an extremely good day. I've had a good day training for frisbee and hanging out with my frisbee friends till around 10.00pm. We were training at NUS, and practising hucks (long throws) and dumping (passing the disc for short distance to reset the stall count). It was a 4 and a half hour long training. Then we went to Holland Village to have dinner and also to Coffee Club for dessert. The muddy mud pie was great, despite being really rich and I was really full. We had to share it among 3 people. I was looking forward to a good night talking to my friends online about our week, which was fully spoilt by my stupid, selfish sister. Now, I've to go get a router to split my internet with my sister, so that she can use her own computer and not mess with mine.

I wish I had a place to vent my anger. Pent up anger is one of the worst feelings ever and I've such a hot temper. I feel like I'm so stifled here that I'm going to burst, but I can't, because my parents would start shouting at me. I need to find a freaking beach or a place I can easily get to and scream my head off. Maybe my blog is a way to vent, but it's too intellectual and not emotionally charged. Haizzz.

Update on the week

2005-10-09T02:17:00.000-07:00

I'm officially bored. Quite bored actually. I spend most of my days watching anime (Flame of Recca) and playing Warcraft. The only difference I get is who I can actually call to hang out at different times.

Monday was actually a little better, because I went to the beach to meet Joyce and threw frisbee with her. I need lots of work on throwing, so I just practiced for over an hour. We then had satay, took a long walk and talked about frisbee techniques and skill work. We then picked up Seiwei and Kristina Tom for supper. Actually, Seiwei was so tired he went home by himself first. The three of us picked up Gwendoline (Seiwei's youngest sister) and her friend and went to eat roti prata at Upper Thomson. It was pretty good, the crispy prata. So Monday was a good break from the usual.

Tuesday was boring. Tuition at night. Wednesday was pickup frisbee, which is always good. The running around is what I need to stop my freaking boredom. It's always so nice to be running your heart out, chasing something down. And beating someone to the disc.

Thursday was having lunch with my family, coz it was my mom's birthday. We went to Seoul Garden at Bugis. It was just normal. I ate only meat, like a guy should at a buffet like that. Then I went back to sleep before tuition that night.

Friday was not too different, except I had dinner with Jason and Shuzhen and Valerie at the hawker center next to the Esplanade. It was not too good food for 50% higher price. Not going to go there again. Too few selections. We then headed to Haagen Dazz for good ice cream. Jason likes fruity flavors, as 2 weeks in a row, he had a fruity type ice cream. I had my loads of chocolate again! 3 different scoops of pure chocolate ice cream! Yumyum! Shuzhen had a mix, of different sweet types. After I headed home, I talked to Steph online till 5 in the morning, which is around 10pm in England. I was so sleepy by then.

Saturday was tuition in the afternoon, before I rushed to NUS to play more frisbee. It took an hour to get there from Tanah Merah. Sheeshh. But the game was fun. I made less mistakes than on Wednesday. Dinner was at some food center on Mei Ling Street in Queenstown. We had chicken rice. It was really good stuff! Sweet payed for it, how nice of him! We also had good claypot rice. There were 3 guys at our table and we ate more food than the next table who had 3 guys and 3 girls. Might want to go back again for the claypot rice and chicken rice. Got a message from Eunice Lee to go dancing at Harry's. But was too tired and went home instead.

Sunday was church, and we were doing Revelations 17, 18, 19. It was really heavy stuff, on how the world and many cities are built to glorify man's achievements rather than God's and how men are lured and seduce by riches and the worldly things. That we have a choice to choose God's wedding banquet instead of drinking out of the "prostitute's" cup. Need to digest more on that. I'm also reading "Defending your Faith", which proves through evidence and historical stuff about the inerrancy of the Bible and the fact the Jesus is in fact God's human form. It's a very interesting read and I'm learning lots through it.

My students for tuition backed out on me for tuition today. One went back to Indonesia without even telling me, making me go there and there was no one. Pissed me off really badly. I'll call him about that and probably give him a warning on that. My second one just changed his lesson to Monday, so more like a postponement. It's okay, as he calls to tell me. I'm flexible at the moment too, so that's fine. Ah, I really hate students who take you for granted that they will not inform you about what goes on and make you wait outside their door and waste your time. I'll probably charge the student a flat fee of $20.00 everytime something like that happens. Irresponsibility is something I detest more than anything else, in line with betrayal.

2 more weeks to enlistment. Hopefully things will be better.

Pes Status! C9L3

2005-10-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

So yay! I finally got my PES status, which is my medical status from the army. It's C9L3. It means that I don't have to do the annual IPPT fitness test and I am "able to bear firearms and protect themselves, others and property." I can also be "deployed in MSA or service support formation/units." All this just means that I'll probably be a project clerk somewhere in the immense machinery that the Ministry of Defence is.

3 more weeks to enlisting! I think...