Rick Mercer's Blog

And The Photochallenge is Back!

2007-01-30T13:47:00.000-06:00

The new look rickmercer.com website is not only the new permanent home of my blog but now has a fully functional archive of photo challenges. I am convinced that this completely disrespectful feature will lead to much merriment in your home or office. Just click the photo challenge link in the header then click archive to see the results of this week's challenge.

Poor Stephane, first the Tories run attack ads and now this...

Harper in Harper's

2007-01-18T15:37:00.000-06:00

Canadians are always impressed when one of our own gets attention south of the border. After all, who among us doesn’t swell up with pride when we see a Canadian individual or a Canadian institution shine on the world stage?

And so I was very chuffed indeed when I noticed that Prime Minister Stephen Harper's idea of rebranding the Canadian government as “Canada’s New Government” is getting some attention in the United States. Harper's Magazine recently published an interesting correspondence illustrating just how serious “Canada’s New Government” is about this endeavour. I include it below for your perusal:

Our Home and Native Brand

From a September email exchange between representatives of Natural Resources Canada and Andrew Okulitch, a scientist working at the Geological Survey of Canada in an emeritus capacity. Irwin Itzkovitch is an assistant deputy minister under Minister of Natural Resources Gary Lunn. Vanessa Nelson is an executive adviser. Okulitch was fired but reappointed two weeks later. The Conservative Party won control of Canada's government in January, after twelve years of Liberal rule. Originally from Harper's Magazine, December 2006.

FROM: VANESSA NELSON
As per the Minister's Office, effective immediately, the words “Canada's New Government” are to be used instead of “the Government of Canada” in all departmental correspondence. Please note that the initial letters of all three words are capitalized. Thank you for your cooperation.

FROM: ANDREW OKULITCH
Why do newly elected officials think everything begins with them taking office? They are merely stewards for as long as the public allows. They are the Government of Canada. Nothing more. I shall use “Geological Survey of Canada” on my departmental correspondence to avoid any connection with “New Government.” The GSC, steward to Canada's earth resources for 164 years, is an institution worthy of my loyalty, as opposed to idiotic buzzwords coined by political hacks.

FROM: IRWIN ITZKOVITCH
Given your strong though misdirected views of the role and authority of the Government as elected by the people, and your duty to reflect their decisions, I accept that you are immediately removing yourself from the Emeritus Program. I wish you every success in your future.

FROM: ANDREW OKULITCH
Although your knee-jerk response seems typical of Ottawa “mentality” these days, to give you the benefit of the doubt, it may have been mandated by our nervous minister. Of course, it is not a particularly rational decision, and perhaps you might reflect upon it. We of the GSC are used to taking the long view. Ministers come and go, but my talents will always remain available to the people of Canada.

FROM: IRWIN ITZKOVITCH
This is not a knee-jerk reaction nor was it dictated by anyone. My decision stands and I await confirmation that it has been executed by the responsible GSC management.

FROM: ANDREW OKULITCH
I have just received the clarification of the usage policy for the term New Government, stating that the new wording is required only in documents prepared for or on behalf of Minister Lunn. This limited usage is consistent and appropriate. We would appear to have been victims of an unfortunate misunderstanding. My intransigence about the term was in protest about its misapplication, not a call for civil disobedience. I do understand the need to obey ministerial directives once I am given them clearly. If I can help calm the waters by issuing my own clarification and apology, I would be glad to do so.

FROM: IRWIN ITZKOVITCH
Your reaction was and continues to be unacceptable for anyone associated with Public Service. My decision stands. As of yesterday you are no longer an emeritus scientist.

FROM: ANDREW OKULITCH
I concede that my memo was intemperate and deserving of a reprimand. It was, however, prompted by misinformation sent out by your staff. I don't expect that anything I might say now will change your mind, so I'll conclude with a few facts you will now have to live with. I'll come out of this a champion of common sense (except when it comes to sending memos), someone who tried to defuse a situation with humor and made an effort to restore calm. You'll come out as an intemperate, irrational manager who lacks the strength of character to reverse a hasty decision. Do you really want to be remembered as the only assistant deputy minister who sacked an emeritus scientist over such trivia? It is never too late to repair an unfortunate situation if everyone approaches it with an open mind and good intentions.

Christmas in Flak Jackets

2006-12-28T12:24:00.000-06:00

A few months ago General Rick Hillier promised me a Christmas I would never forget; turns out he is a man of his word.

This year, on Christmas morning, I was in Sperwan Ghar in the Panjwai district of Afghanistan sitting around a single-burner Coleman stove with a dozen Canadian soldiers. Rush was on the stereo and we were watching a pot of Tetley tea bags threaten to boil. Outside it was wet and muddy, but inside the sandbag bunker where these Royal Canadian Dragoons ate and slept it was warm and as comfortable as one could expect under the circumstances. Corporal Frank Farrell was in charge of the pot and there was no top on it this morning - this was not to be rushed.

Gen. Hillier is a very persuasive man. He is also a Newfoundlander. And while he is the chief of the Canadian Forces it has been suggested that he might think he is the chief of all Newfoundlanders. He'll call you up and suggest to you that on Dec. 25 there is only one place you should be and it's so special that by agreeing to go there you render your life insurance null and void. You aren't asked so much as you are voluntold.

This was my third trip to Afghanistan but my first at Christmas. Gen. Hillier was on a personal mission to shake hands with every man and woman wearing a Canadian uniform in Afghanistan and the Persian Gulf and I was along for the ride. The way he described it was simple: "It's Christmas" he said, "and all we are going to do is pop in and say hello to a few folks." In Canada "popping in to say hello" at Christmas is just a matter of arranging for a designated driver or making sure you have cab fare in your pocket. This was a little more complicated. It started with a nine-hour flight overseas, stopping in Croatia for gas, and then onward to a military base that dare not speak its name or reveal its location. Once there we immediately boarded a Sea King
helicopter for a night flight across the water so we could land on the deck of the HMS Ottawa.

On this leg of the trip there were three other Newfoundlanders - broadcaster Max Keeping, singer songwriter Damhnait Doyle and my old colleague Mary Walsh - and three members of the Conservative caucus - whip Jay Hill, MP Laurie Hawn and the President of the Treasury Board John Baird. I was happy they were issued flak jackets and helmets because I had a sneaking suspicion that the combination of Walsh and the three Tories might make some recent skirmishes with the Taliban insurgency seem tame in comparison. If it came down to a three on one donnybrook my money was on the Princess Warrior.

And so, on the night before Christmas Eve, our little gang of Newfoundlanders along with 50 or so sailors closed the mess on the HMS Ottawa. We laughed until we were stupid. It felt like Christmas.

After sunrise Gen. Hillier addressed the troops on the deck of the ship. This was the first of countless speeches he would give over the next four days. He is funny as hell and inspiring as anyone I have ever seen speak. He makes soldiers laugh and then he makes them cry. He thanks them all in a way that makes everyone grow inches. From a show business perspective he is a tough act to follow, but follow we did. When it came Damhnait's turn to say a few words she sang a song, and if there is a better way to kick off an adventure than watching Damhnait Doyle and 250 sailors sing O Canada on the deck of a Canadian battle ship as it sails the Gulf I can't think of it.

After Ottawa it was straight back to the base for a three-hour nap before a 3 a.m. wake-up call for the flight to Kandahar. Once in Kandahar we had the standard briefing that is mandatory for visiting
entertainers and or the head-injured. When the siren goes do what you're told, when everything seems fine do what you're told and, when in doubt, do what you're told.

From there we went "over the wire." It was Christmas Eve and Gen. Hillier wanted to make it to all the forward operating bases. These bases are all former Taliban strongholds. For the most part they are high points of land that were hard-fought for. Some of the bases are nothing but points of land with soldiers living in tents, trenches and bunkers. This is the front line of a war.

Charlie Company at Patrol Base Wilson was the first group we spoke to. These are the men and women who are working under maximum threat levels in Afghanistan. They are out there on patrol every day, for days at a time, engaging the enemy. They have all lost friends here. They have a bit of the ten-thousand mile stare - which is to be expected - so from the point of view of a guy who stands around and tells jokes for a living this is what you would call a tough crowd. Gen. Hillier was right though, he told me that just showing up was enough and everything else was gravy.

That afternoon we made our way by convoy to Strong Point West, home to Bravo Company. This was still Christmas Eve and we arrived in time to help serve their Christmas meal. Gen. Hillier worked the turkey, senior officers worked the potatoes and vegetables and I pulled up the rear as chief gravy server. I must admit I felt pretty darn important serving the gravy. These guys get a cooked meal about every three to four days. For the most part they eat rations out of a bag where they find themselves. Plus they get shot at. Anything hot with gravy is a very, very big deal. As the man with the gravy ladle I was probably - for the duration of the serving line - the most popular man on Earth.

And so this year for Christmas dinner I sat on the ground in the dust and ate turkey loaf and gravy on a paper plate. Everyone except me had a gun. There was lots of talk of home and like anyone's Christmas dinner there were lots of pictures. At one point the designated photographers had 10 digital cameras in their hands at a time trying to get the group shots.

Everywhere you go in Afghanistan where there are Canadian soldiers you see Christmas cards and letters supporting the troops. Some of the tents and accommodations are decorated with so many home-made cards from school kids that you would swear you had wandered into an elementary school lunchroom and not a mess hall. It's amazing to see groups of battle-weary soldiers wrapped in ammunition and guns stopping to read these things with the attention that is usually reserved solely for the parent. I was in a tent with two guys in their early 20s who were poring over a stack of letters and class photos and separating them into piles. I was a little taken aback that these young guys, in the middle of a war zone, would be so moved by support from Grade 4 classes until I realized the deciding factor for the favourites pile was which teacher was hotter.

On Christmas morning, the convoy headed to Sperwan Ghar. The troops here sleep in dugouts with sandbag perimeters. After the speeches and hellos a corporal asked me back to his quarters for a cup of tea. He was, like so many guys here, a Newfoundlander. And so that's where I spent Christmas morning, watching corporal Frank Farrell stir the teapot while a dozen or so guys hung out and exchanged cards and had a few laughs. The crowd in the bunker wasn't there just for the tea. They had been waiting a long time for Corporal Farrell to open the Eversweet margarine tub that he received a few weeks ago in the mail. In the tub was his mom's Christmas cake. When the tea was perfect and our paper cups were filled, the tape was pulled from the tub and we all agreed: Bernadette Farrell makes the best Christmas cake in Canada.

The trip carried on. We visited more forward operating bases. Gen. Hillier made good on his goal of shaking hands with practically every soldier in harm's way this Christmas. And by late afternoon we took the convoy back through "ambush ally" to the main base in Kandahar for the prime show of the tour for about 800 soldiers in the newly opened Canada House.

Max Keeping was our Master of Ceremonies, Gen. Hillier gave a speech of a lifetime, Mary Walsh made me laugh like the old days, Damhnait Doyle sang like an angel and the Montreal rock band Jonas played late into the night. I was supposed to take the mic for 15 minutes, but I stayed for 25. A tad selfish, but honestly I can't imagine I will have so much fun performing ever again.

Everywhere we went on this trip men and women in uniform thanked our little gang for giving up our Christmas to be with them in Afghanistan. I know that I speak for everyone when I say we gave very little and we received far too much. We met great friends, we had lots of laughs and dare I say had the best Christmas ever.

Same Sex Thursday!

2006-12-06T11:47:00.000-06:00

So the debate over same sex marriage is back.

Personally I see this as a positive development. I have no idea where Canadians got the idea that once a minority's rights are defined they are somehow set in stone. It's time Canadians woke up and realized those days are long gone. This is an era of reflection.

Sure the Charter looks nice hanging on a wall but the fact is it grants far too many rights that are contrary to the deeply held personal views of many chubby white guys.

I have heard rumours that in the future the Conservatives plan on devoting every Thursday in the House of Commons to more votes on minority rights.

So far they have planned motions debating whether the Chinese should be allowed to drive, whether women should be allowed to vote and whether turbans should be allowed in elevators that travel more than 16 floors.

In order to ensure that these debates target all minorities equally they have come up with an ingenious way for creating motions.

This year, in lieu of a secret Santa exchange, every Tory has to write the name of a minority that bugs them on a slip of paper. On the back of the slip they print a so called “right we all enjoy”. The slips will be mixed up and placed in a gorgeous festive ballot box that John Baird gift wrapped for the occasion. At this year’s party, each member will be blindfolded and they will draw a slip of paper out of the box! That slip of paper is their present to them and to Canada. Imagine the hilarity that will ensue when Justice Minister Vic Toewes stands up and says “This year my Christmas gift is a motion to debate whether Hindus can own property in New Brunswick.”

I can hear the laughter from here.

Final Results

2006-12-02T18:52:00.000-06:00

Before the fourth ballot results were announced my friend Mike and I spent 20 minutes working our way right to the middle of the room so we could be surrounded by a mix of Dion and Ignatieff supporters.

That was about as tightly packed as I have ever been or ever wish to be. Looking around and seeing the desperate look on everyone’s faces reminded me of the Ayatollah’s funeral. I was happy to observe all weekend, but at this moment I really felt like an interloper. This was their party and they had invested everything in it. For these people the stakes don’t get any higher.

When the results were finally announced and it was immediately clear that Dion had stolen the race from Ignatieff people all around us basically melted. To the right of me a guy with a Dion bandanna around his neck burst into tears and started cheering like peace on earth had been declared. On the other side of me there were tears as well but the other kind.

I have to hand it to the party, Canadians love to root for an underdog and Liberals showed their true Canadian colours at this convention. Stephane Dion was the underdog from the moment that he launched his campaign – the fact that he pulled off a fourth ballot victory against the establishment frontrunner is nothing short of miraculous.

When it was all over Michael Ignatieff acted more gracious in defeat than we have ever seen. It’s pretty ironic that this experience, which has to rank up there as a personal worst for him, may in fact have been his finest moment in public life.

Dion’s victory speech was very good but all it really did was confirm everyone’s preconceived notions of the guy. Liberals see a saviour who will bring them back to power and the Tories are rubbing their hands in glee over the prospect of heading into battle against a French guy who has a dog named Kyoto.

Dion is an enigma to most Canadians and that’s not such a bad thing. He takes over the Liberal party as a relative unknown and as a result people have pretty low expectations of the guy. This is a good position for a politician to be in, he really has nowhere to go but up.

At the end of the day though, watching Dion on stage, I couldn’t help but be amazed at his physical presence. The Liberals went into this convention with a host of choices. They could have gone with a battle-tested politician, a former athlete, a world famous academic or a food bank founder from the West; at the end of the day they choose the nerd.

That’s pretty Canadian.

2006-12-02T15:41:00.000-06:00

I think Turner had the chili for lunch.

Second Ballot

2006-12-02T12:33:00.000-06:00

The second ballot results have sent the Iggy people into apoplectic shock.

Looking at the candidate on TV he looks visibly shaken. I think he should compose himself and take this moment to reflect and enjoy the experience. After all, after this vote it will be a long time before he sees his name on a ballot again (barring of course the annual sexiest professor poll at Harvard – his name goes on that ballot the minute he signs his new contract). It’s times like this that a candidate should show grace under pressure and I think it was beneath Iggy to accuse Gerard Kennedy of committing a war crime by throwing his support to Dion.

The Ignatieff delegates I’ve been talking to have that tragic air of someone in palliative care eating apple sauce and making big plans to run a marathon.

It’s understandable that the Ignatieff people are having a hard time dealing with this; they felt that Iggy actually winning this thing was just a technicality. Now they are willing to grasp at any straw available. Soon after the second ballot results came in an Ignatieff delegate grabbed me and waved his blackberry in my face and shouted “Dryden is about to announce he’s supporting Iggy.” The words were not out of his mouth before another delegate started waving his blackberry around shouting “Dryden went to Rae.”

In this room if you wave your blackberry around as you speak it carries the same weight as waving a bible around at an evangelical conference. It’s in the good blackberry it must be true!

The only guy having a good day at this point is the soon-to-be leader of the opposition Stephane Dion.

On the floor

2006-12-02T10:24:00.000-06:00

The scene at the Palais de Congres reminds me of the Superdome during the New Orleans flood.

Richard Diamond, the president of the young Liberals, just blurted that Iggy's papercut is starting to look like a flesh wound.

I just saw Iggy accepting congratulations from some adoring fans and in person it looks like it might have developed into a full blown staph infection.

Antibiotics stat.

The Morning After

2006-12-02T09:29:00.000-06:00

The one advantage of showing up to a party stone cold sober at 1:50 am is that you will probably be the only one who remembers anything. The disadvantage is that by the time I arrived at ground zero the delegates were drunk and confident – a bad combination.

The Delta hotel lobby was a zoo just a few hours ago. Hundreds of young people were circling like parched animals in search of a watering hole. There were no shortage of options – on the way to the elevator I was told that there were free shots in a Dryden room and a huge Dion event happening with a free ice vodka fountain. I kind of felt nostalgic for the days when I would walk over broken glass looking for such a Shangri-la, but alas those days are gone. I ended up having a few Heineken in a room that apparently was rented by Paul Martin. Martin wasn’t there but there was a huge podium in the corner that apparently he practices on when preparing for a big speech.

There are two schools of thought on Ignatieff’s early round results: it’s possible that Ignattief’s people intentionally surpassed a pile of votes on the first ballot, knowing they will come to him on the second. This is an old trick that guarantees that there will be growth on the second ballot and give the illusion of momentum.

My gut is telling me this is not what happened. I talked to one Iggy delegate last night who was vicious because he saw three Iggy ballots destroyed and on the floor in the voting area. He seemed to think there was some sort of conspiracy afoot. I figure that those three ballots either belonged to people who are too stupid to get the slip of paper in the slot or people who just couldn’t bring themselves to do what it was they promised to do months ago.

I just watched Iggy get cornered by CBC’s Julie Van Dusen and she asked what his reaction was to the first round results.

Iggy said that his first round results were lower than expected because he spoke last and as a result some of his delegates didn’t get a chance to vote.

If that’s the best line the Iggy brain trust can come up with that camp is in serious trouble.

Flight Delayed

2006-12-02T09:10:00.000-06:00

Friday Dec 1^st, 10:45 pm

I am not in a hospitality suite, I am not in Montreal, I am sitting on the tarmac in Toronto.

Air Canada delayed my flight three times and I have just boarded my flight almost two hours behind schedule.

Earlier tonight I caught Volpe’s speech. Volpe’s introduction video was put together by the same children who donated money to his campaign. It wasn’t even a video actually, it was just a collection of old pictures of Joe set to Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway. It didn’t seem like a campaign video so much than the type of thing a well meaning but talentless child might prepare for their parents 50^th wedding anniversary. Usually these things work because family members get to laugh at the bad hairstyles from the seventies. I think the purpose here was to make people think “Wow Joe has been to the great wall of China, he should be our leader.”

The Iggy and Bob speeches I watched at the airport. Not a bad place to watch really. I was in a similar situation years ago and watched the Canadian women’s hockey team win the gold huddled around an airport television. This time it wasn’t nearly as hard to get a seat with a view of the TV.

One guy who was pretty knackered announced to those watching that Bob Rae looked “familiar”; this got a pretty good laugh. A few minutes later he announced “I think he’s a comedian.” Bob certainly exhibited a stand-up’s confidence by leaving the safety of the podium and walking to the edge of the stage. At the halfway point when Bob made the joke about Harper’s cabinet being vegetables, the guy laughed a little too hard and said “see he’s funny!”

Ignatieff, I noticed, speaks very slowly – the sign of a good educator. He wants to make sure that even the dim kids can follow him. I admit I have a problem with this style. When Iggy starts waving that bloody finger around I feel like I’m back in one of Ms. Patzold’s grade eight classes. His legions of fans seemed to like it though. When he wiggles the finger they tingle inside. I think Iggy actually made a big mistake and either reached into the wrong pocket or ticked off the teleprompter guy because it seemed to me that he was delivering his victory speech. I remember thinking it had something to do with “hope.” Basically he decided to do Bill Clinton’s act but not as well.

As I write this I’m on the tarmac and apparently Air Canada is “looking for a pilot”. It’s going to be a long night, but not the kind I had envisioned.

Heading to Montreal

2006-12-01T14:46:00.000-06:00

"So what if I'm drunk? They screwed me Dryden, and they'll screw you too!"

Tonight I fly to Montreal and figure I will hit the convention at ten pm. I’m worried that everyone will be in bed by then but I will just have to wait and see.

I am shooting the show tonight so while that happens I will be recording the candidates' speeches so I can watch them on my laptop during the flight to Montreal. Would the giant tool in aisle 12 please stow his computer and put his tray in the upright position.

Why am I attending? My plan is to find out first hand whether or not the Liberal party is a vital political force in the midst of an historic renewal or are they simply a herd of dinosaurs in their final death throes. I also hope to find out if the beer will be cold.

All will be revealed at rickmercer.com, or at least the beer question will be answered.

So far I have tried to watch as much of the convention as I could but work keeps getting in the way.

I was lucky enough to catch the opening ceremonies and they certainly set the tone. I am not much of a fan of this “nation inside a nation" notion but when the Quebecois are in charge of booking the talent it’s hard to argue with it. I would suggest that whoever thought it was a good idea to feature the dancing dude in the super tight pants and giant mullet so prominently is not just from another nation but another planet.

I missed the tribute to Paul Martin because of work last night but I did get home in time to catch his speech. Too bad he didn’t make a few more like that during the campaign; he might have avoided this whole messy retirement ordeal. It was refreshing though to see Martin speak without him promising all Canadians free tuition or a billion dollars. It was a good speech though; I’ll give the man that. The baby was a nice touch; I might try that next time I have to address a crowd.

Until Montreal mes amis.

Pawn to King Four

2006-11-27T17:04:00.000-06:00

Well you got to hand it to Stephen Harper the man is on a roll.

The Tories love to say he’s great at his job because he is, above all, a chess player.

In one smooth move he stood up in the House of Commons and with a few words he embarrassed the block and protected his seats in Quebec.

And all he had to do to accomplish these lofty goals was table a simple motion saying that the government of Canada now recognizes that the Quebecois form a nation inside of a nation.

So all you kids in grade three who just learned that Canada is ten provinces and three territories, forget that, that’s all changed now.

We are now nine provinces three territories and a nation inside a nation. But when you write that down kids you might want to use a pencil because there’s going to be a lot of new nations you’re going to have to learn about.

Take the Cree for example. In Quebec. If the Quebecois are a nation clearly the Cree are a nation. Well actually they will be a nation inside a nation inside a nation.

It’s a little mind boggling. Imagine if you were a Cree person, who’s gay, you like the Blue Jays and you live in Quebec. You would be a member of the Cree nation who hangs out in the queer nation, cheers for the Blue Jays nation, lives in the Quebec nation which happens to be in the Canadian nation.

Yes Harper is quite the strategist, but clearly he didn’t grow up in a huge family. Because Canada, as screwed up and dysfunctional as we are, is still a family. And anyone who grew up in a large family knows that sure, some kids might get away with more than others, some kids might even get special treatment, but there’s not a hope in hell that mom is ever going to stand up and recognize one child as the favorite.

No special status.

And why? Because moms know that if they ever put that down in writing, say in a birthday card, that’s exactly the type of thing that could eventually bite everyone on the ass and lead to the destruction of the whole bloody works.

So while it’s too early to say what if anything Harper’s move means, he certainly does play a mean game of chess.

I just hope he realizes Canada is not a board game; it’s a nation.

And we only have one to lose.

Kenney Time

2006-11-24T10:51:00.000-06:00

The Original

Nine Months by Tyler H.

Logride by Greg H.

Let's Do It Again by Gerry Fournier

Who's Your Daddy by Allan

Kenney Kong by Peter G

by Peter G

by Andrew O'Driscoll

Kenney by James McPhail

Untitled by Brian

Stones Sighting in Regina After Concert by We Tollefson

Faster Faster by Maurice Motut

Send the Self-Imposed House Arrest Pioneer to the House

2006-11-20T16:47:00.000-06:00

I have never used my blog to endorse a political candidate but I think now the time has come.

Like most Canadians I am watching the campaign leading up to the by-election in London Ontario with bated breath.

It’s a barnburner of a race and there’s no doubt that all of the parties have fielded strong candidates. It’s my belief, however, that one candidate stands head and shoulders above the rest and if I could vote in this one I would have to mark an X for Dianne Haskett.

I also believe it is a testament to the Conservative Party that they can attract a candidate of Ms Haskett’s stature.

My Goodness they had to look all the way to Washington D.C. to find her.

The fact that Ms. Haskett has been in America working for the Republican Party for the past six years may seem like a deficit at first glance, but I say every cloud has a silver lining. It will be easy to spot the Tory candidate in the Santa clause parade this Saturday, just look for the car with the American license plates and Bush-Cheney sticker.

Predictably some local Tories are upset that Ottawa hand-picked the candidate they wanted over the wishes of the local riding association but lets face it, that’s just sour grapes. Having a puppet of the Prime Minister’s Office is an honour for the people of London.

In fact the Prime Minister’s Office has so much confidence in Ms. Haskett’s ability they actually own her. Well they don’t own her of course but they do own her name. As you can imagine in politics these days the single most important tool any politician has is their Internet identify. In Dianne’s case, she doesn’t control her online identity, the Conservative Party of Canada does. In fact the party bought her domain name days before she was given the nomination. The party also owns office furniture, photocopiers and a portable sound system.

From the Prime Minister’s perspective owning a candidate’s name is simply an effective and proven way of controlling people.

In the sixties, radio stations in the United States used to make a practice of owning the on air names of “Negro DJ’s”. This way if they ever stepped out of line the station could fire the DJ and they wouldn’t be able to find other work using their name. Of course this name owning practice has long been abandoned because apparently it’s despicable but it’s nice to see the practice resurrected in the Prime Minister’s Office.

My guess is some keen whippersnapper in the head office was reading up on the civil rights movement in the United States and got some good ideas while they were at it.

London is crawling with these Ottawa-based political operatives these days. PMO staffers and Minister’s aides have been bussed into the riding on a regular basis; each armed with a Mapquest printout and a list highlighting the names of local malls. They go door-to-door for Dianne making sure to drop local references into the conversation so they can dupe the person on the step into believing they grew up six streets over. Look out London – this is the big time.

This on-the-ground support from team Calgary is an encouraging sign from head office. They know that with Dianne Haskett they have a winner on their hands.

In politics being ahead of the curve is the sign of true greatness. Some candidates can talk a good game but Dianne has a solid record.

For example she was against gay rights long before that became trendy. When the rest of the country was blasé about the homosexual threat Dianne was alerting all who would listen that the homos were on the march. When she did a stint as Mayor of London in the nineties she consistently went out of her way to stop the gays. At the time she made it clear that “appearing to endorse homosexuality is turning my back on God and the day I turn my back on God I lose my authority as Mayor.” Give this woman a seat in the House of Commons!

Did she get the credit she deserved way back when? No. Instead the city she ran was fined $10,000 by the Ontario Human Rights Commission for violating the rights of gay taxpayers. In response Dianne locked herself in her own house for three weeks in an act of self-imposed house arrest. Frankly Dianne could give lessons on how to be a drama queen.

Of course history now shows us that it is Dianne who got the last laugh. Here it is 2006 and Canada is on the brink of destruction because some car salesman named Larry intends to marry a pipe fitter named frank in Flin Flon.

Of course that could change the minute the Tories get a majority which is why so many senior Ministers are thrilled that Dianne is on the ballot. The man with the purse, the President of the Treasury Board John Baird, traveled to London to endorse Haskett and went as far as to call her the “accountability candidate.”

This is a coup for the Haskett campaign. John Baird’s credentials as a conservative are unblemished except for his unfortunate mistake of saying that he would vote in favor of same sex marriage if it ever came up. By going out of his way to get Haskett elected Baird is effectively negating his own vote on the issue. I hope John Baird receives some sort of award from the Conservative Party for this selfless act. Perhaps they could arrange a nice sit down dinner where they give Baird a break from his usual duties and hire a dancing monkey instead.

Of course I don’t mean to imply that Dianne is a single issue candidate. She not only has great insight on what adults should be allowed to do in the privacy of their bedrooms she also has views on who one should worship and who one should fear.
In 1996 she took part in a public prayer breakfast where people were encouraged to bow their heads and pray that Canada be protected "from the darkness and deception of the spirit of Islam."

This is a very impressive record. Let’s remember that encouraging Canadians to be afraid of other religions wasn’t even on the radar in 1996. In fact Canadians have never been big on the idea of domestic holy wars but yet there was Dianne, back in the day, trying to stir it up old school.

Some people are uniters and some people are dividers; Dianne is a uniter. In fact “uniting majorities against minorities since 1996” was under consideration as a potential campaign slogan.

I can only pray that if Stephen Harper ever needs a parliamentary secretary in charge of breeding religious intolerance Dianne will be there in the house ready to heed the call.

And finally, above all else, I think Dianne should be commended for her commitment to silence. She has basically remained hidden during the campaign, refusing all national media requests and most local media requests. By refusing to speak on most issues she has shown the people of London that they have in Dianne Haskett a candidate that is willing to sit down, shut up and do what she is told.

If the residents of London feel that best describes them, electing her will certainly prove it.

Spread the Net

2006-11-14T08:58:00.000-06:00

Sharing malaria medication with Belinda Stronach at the Hotel Rwanda is not the strangest experience of my life, but it’s up there.

This was two summers ago and it was near the end of a trip to Africa where we followed Dr. Jeffrey Sachs, Director of the Earth Institute at Columbia University, as he visited Millennium Village sites, gave speeches, met with aid workers, and lobbied governments. I won’t bother raving about Sachs. Suffice to say the guy is brilliant. Sachs is considered one of the leading economists in the world and he is the only academic to have been repeatedly ranked among the world's most influential people by Time magazine. Basically I have nothing in common with the man.

The entire trip to Africa with Belinda and Sachs was truly surreal. I don’t think an hour went by where I didn’t ask myself how in the hell I got there. Before Africa I didn’t know Belinda at all really. I interviewed her when she was a Tory and between takes it came up that she was a friend of Dr. Sachs. She talked about how brilliant he was and of course I agreed. What she didn’t know was the entire time she talked about Dr. Jeffery Sachs I thought she was talking about Dr. Oliver Sacks the guy who specialized in bizarre brain disorders and was portrayed by Robin Williams in the movie Awakenings. The more Belinda talked about how much she thought of Sachs and how he helped her out as a policy advisor during her leadership campaign, the stranger I thought Belinda was. I remember thinking “Why in god’s name would she want a world renowned expert on Tourette ’s syndrome to advise her on a leadership run for the Tories?” I knew many Tory MPs at the time were afflicted with the condition but I still found it extreme.

After the interview ended Belinda told me she hoped to go to Africa with Sachs someday and she added “if it ever comes together I’ll give you a call.”

It’s not really the kind of call you actually expect to get – politicians say all sorts of things during small talk – and honestly for the life of me I still didn’t understand why anyone would dream of visiting Africa with an expert on brain disorders.

Later when I realized the mistake I made and what an idiot I was I attempted to remedy the situation by purchasing The End of Poverty by Dr. Jeffery Sachs. It’s a very good read and despite offering no help to victims of Tourette’s, I’d recommend it to anyone.

It was over a year later that Belinda called me up out of the blue – she was heading to Africa and would I like to come? I said yes.

I really had no idea what to expect on such a trip and when I told friends I was going to Africa with Belinda Stronach they immediately dubbed the trip “Belinda’s Pink Champagne Safari”. I tend to hang with a cynical bunch.

The trip was put together in record time. I was at the airport before I really found out where we were going. When I saw the list of countries we were visiting it might as well have been titled “places Rick has never wanted to go.” Rwanda was on the list. As home of one of the worst genocides in recent history it was not a destination hot spot in my mind. Ethiopia? Not once in my life did I utter the phrase “I’d like to visit Ethiopia someday.” The port of Djibouti was on the list and not being sure where it actually was I googled it and the first entry I came across described the port as “living hell on earth.” This was not a Pink Champagne Safari.

I had no idea what to expect and it was just as well because nothing would have prepared me. A constant theme of anyone who writes about Africa is the extremes you experience and I was no different.

In Uganda for example we spent a day in a village where 5,000 people are living in extreme poverty. And really even calling it a village doesn’t do it justice. The word village has a western connotation that doesn’t apply here. Spending a day touring a “village” makes most of us think of a day wasted looking at antique shops and having to suffer the indignity of staying in a bed and breakfast run by batty English people.

This wasn’t the case here. This “village” had practically no shelter, no water supply, no fuel, near impassible roads, no communications infrastructure, no market and very little in the way of food.

And if one forgot for a second the inequity of the situation it was driven home by the evening’s agenda: visiting the palatial home of the president of Uganda and watching Sachs and the President hammer out a seven point aid agreement.

I’d be lying of I said it wasn’t a little hard on the head to spend the day with kids who have never had a real meal in their lives and then spend the evening with some dude who wears a gold hat and has a piano that plays itself.

I swore before I went to Africa that when I came back I wouldn’t be transformed into a hemp wearing dullard armed with a thousand statistics aimed at depressing everyone around me and ruining whatever occasion I happened to be attending.

I did know that it would have some affect on me and of course it did.

For my entire life I’ve been pretty good at spotting a problem but not so clever at coming up with the right answers. And if the truth be told, quite often when faced with an overwhelming problem, I’m content to believe that the situation is beyond help and then it’s off to the pub.

This is why getting to know a guy like Dr Jeffery Sachs is so dangerous. He’s an answer guy, and when you learn the answers and in some case you see how simple they are, it’s hard not to get on board.

Which brings me to the “spread the net” campaign.

In Africa over a million kids die of malaria every year. That’s pretty overwhelming. It was Sachs however that told us that it really doesn’t need to be that way. The answer is simple, tangible, old fashioned and cost effective. One of the best tools to fight Malaria is a mosquito bed net. The net goes over the bed and usually two or three kids will sleep under the thing. The net is treated with insecticide and will continue to do its job for over five years. If you buy a kid a net, there’s a pretty good chance you can save one or two lives. And the cost? Ten bucks.

That’s what Spreadthenet.org is all about. If you go to spreadthenet.org you can give ten bucks and a mosquito bed net will be purchased and distributed for free in the first two targeted countries – Liberia and Rwanda.

And really can anyone think of a better way for Canadians to lend a hand – Malaria is spread by mosquitoes. If there is a war that Canadians can get behind it’s the war on mosquitoes. We spend enough of our time coming up with ways to kill them at home, let’s spread the love in Africa.

So at the risk of coming across like the dullard armed with statistics, this past week I went to Montreal with Belinda Stronach and together we launched the Spread the Net campaign. Dr. Sachs was there with us and at the press conference he spoke about Malaria and Bed Nets in a way that I never could.

It was a big success. The web site ( www.spreadthenet.org ) is simple and straight forward. Everyone seems to like the idea and its simplicity. One net, ten bucks, save a life. Belinda worked the phones like a maniac and we were in a position to announce that $300 000 had already been raised. That’s a lot of nets!

We all know that Canadians have a huge capacity for helping out others less fortunate and already lots of people are coming forward with ideas on how individuals, groups, businesses, churches and universities can help spread the net.

The campaign launch was a great result of an unexpected trip. But I have to admit, my favorite moment was as surreal as the trip itself. There was Dr. Sachs, one of the world’s leading economists, a man who spends every waking hour trying to understand the big problems of the world – and then providing the answers.

He spoke passionately and eloquently about how we can make a difference in Africa. And when it was over and he had finished speaking, there was a pause, and the first question asked was about Ralph Klein and cracks he made about Belinda’s sex life.

The look on his face was one of total bewilderment.

Any comment Dr. Sachs?

For once he didn’t have an answer.

Promise Made Promise Kept

2006-11-06T17:07:00.000-06:00

Like most people, I find it unnerving when suddenly everyone in the room is talking about a subject I can’t even begin to understand. When it happens to me, and it happens a lot, it usually involves math, a subject that ceased to make any sense to me about halfway through grade eight.

So this past week when suddenly out of the blue the Harper government put a bullet into Canada’s income trusts and all the seniors went crazy, I was kind of lost.

It was pretty exciting stuff, though. Angry seniors on the front page threatening to take down the Tories, angry oil patch executives on the business page threatening to take down the Tories. I can only imagine how the seniors who moonlight on weekends as oil executives are feeling.

And as I perused the papers trying to figure out what the hell an income trust was, I realized that everything I knew about income trusts I learned in the last election, and I learned from Stephen Harper. It was from Stephen Harper that I learned that it’s seniors more than any group in Canada that invest in income trusts.

And I heard Stephen Harper tell us over and over again that when he became Prime Minister income trusts would be safe. It was a promise he made directly to Canada’s senior citizens.

Politicians love to make promises directly to seniors because they know seniors deserve a society’s respect, plus seniors have nothing to do all day so they actually vote. Election day and a slice of lemon meringue is a big day out for the blue rinse set.

So when Harper made this promise, I believed him. And so did a lot of seniors, apparently, because they kept investing in the bloody things. And why not? Harper’s entire shtick is that you can believe what he says. The entire raison d’être of the Harper government is: you may not like what we do, but we do what we say. Those Tories give you a promise, you can take it to the bank.

In fact if you go to a Harper rally, you can’t hear yourself think for all the Tories chanting “promise made, promise kept” over and over again like a herd of demented Moonies. Some of them get so excited they smack themselves in the forehead over and over again while they chant it. During the last election Jason Kenney was forced to apply liberal amounts of pancake makeup above his eyebrows to hide the bruising.

Well thank God that’s over. Because the next time Stephen Harper or any of his minions chant “promise made, promise kept,” you might want to step back, because if there is a God, the forecast calls for lightning.

That’s the chance you take when you mess with senior citizens and their hard-earned savings.

And yes, I know Harper has all sorts of excuses why he had to break his promise to seniors, but you know what? I don’t really care — because years ago I came to the conclusion that there were only two real reasons why politicians break their promises: You already voted for them and you already voted for them.

And it turns out some things never change.

Should He Stay or Should He Go?

2006-10-30T14:46:00.000-06:00

After the last election Stephen Harper took a lot of grief for putting a guy who had never been elected directly into his Cabinet.

I was as surprised as anyone, really. It seemed odd that Harper, a man who had railed about the evils of the unelected Senate for his entire career, would appoint his buddy to the Senate and then directly to Cabinet within hours of becoming Prime Minister.

As far as optics goes, it doesn’t get much worse.

This is exactly the type of thing that bugs most Canadians about politics. I’m pretty sure they would prefer that Cabinet ministers actually get elected by the people before they buckle down and start running our lives.

To be fair, I do believe that in extraordinary circumstances a Prime Minister should be able to pass over his own MPs and put non-elected people into Cabinet. If Canada was at war and nobody in the House knew anything about the military, it would make sense that the PM be allowed to call up an expert on the Canadian Forces and have them join the Cabinet.

Or imagine being Stephen Harper and you wake up the morning after winning a general election only to realize that the vast majority of your MPs just aren’t smart enough to be in Cabinet.

It makes sense that you should be allowed to call up your buddy in Quebec and give him a Cabinet position. This is, of course, an old boys’ club, and so this is exactly what the Prime Minister did. Instead of giving the job to an elected Member of Parliament like Diane Ablonczy he called up Michael Fortier, private citizen, and gave him the big gig.

I don’t mean to minimize Fortier’s abilities. The man is head and shoulders over most of us. He is a highly accomplished lawyer banker type of creature and back in the day was co-chair of Harper’s national leadership campaign. And it’s not fair to suggest he has never run for anything; in 1998 he ran for the leadership of the Conservative party and came in an impressive last with over four percent of the vote. If that doesn’t scream future senator, I don’t know what does.

The ego perks of the gig are enormous. Fortier has never had to suffer the indignity of standing on a doorstep and asking a person for their vote, and yet everyone in Canada is supposed to refer to him as “the Honourable Michael Fortier” for the rest of his natural life. And when, God forbid, he finally passes away, the flag over the Peace Tower will be lowered to half mast to honour his contribution to democracy.

By the way, I’m not suggesting that giving his pal the gig was an easy move for Harper. It can’t be easy having to look your MPs in the eye and basically tell them they’re imbeciles. Even for Harper that’s got to hurt a little bit.

And pity the poor caucus. Imagine getting elected, your party forms the government, and then your leader basically tells you that you have a better chance of ending up with a disability cheque based on your mental incompetence than you ever do of seeing a minister’s salary. That’s a tough day at the office.

That was the situation we had in Canada.

But all that has changed. The Prime Minister has called a by-election for the Montreal-area riding of Repentigny on Nov. 27. The people are going to the polls, baby! Democracy in action.

One would think that Michael Fortier, being the honorable type, would jump at the chance to stand for election. Nope. Fortier says he has no interest in running for the seat. The man is content to continue being a Cabinet minister without having to go through the rotten business of asking people to vote for him. And for some reason the Prime Minister seems content to have unelected people in his Cabinet.

This might not be Denmark, but something stinks.

Canadians might not think much of politicians, but last I looked we do have a say in which ones run the country. The basic definition of democracy is “one woman one man one vote.” The time has come for Michael Fortier to be man enough to ask Montrealers for theirs.

Luckily the Internet is a wonderful way for Canadians to voice their opinion on such matters — whether it is being asked for or not. So through the miracle of the Web I have set up two petitions directed to the Prime Minister. One, titled “Run Fortier Run,” suggests the time has come for The Honourable Michael Fortier to run for a seat. The second, “Stay Fortier Stay,” supports the Prime Minister in his contention that Fortier should remain an unelected Cabinet minister who sits in the Senate.

Here are the Web sites:

runfortierrun.com

stayfortierstay.com

Ladies and gentlemen – start your laptops.

May the most bitter team win!

Dear Trapped on a Boat

2006-10-23T12:48:00.000-05:00

When I launched this blog I really had no idea that it would become a forum for giving advice. It’s a pleasant diversion from my normal week and it fits with my giving nature.

Dear Peter,

Thank you for your letter. Yes you are correct, the media are exaggerating and referring to a woman as a dog is accepted in many cultures. Unfortunately nobody has heard of these cultures.

While I certainly sympathize with your situation I think it’s important we deal with the underlying issue here – your obsession with the dog as a metaphor. It’s just not working for you. Remember, you are a senior cabinet minister now; when referring to women it’s okay to venture into two syllable territory.

I know that you are feeling very vulnerable and I don’t blame you. It must be terrible knowing that as soon as you return to work everyone is going to make jokes when they see you. What makes it worse is that even the dimmest bulb in the House of Commons can muster up a dog joke. I’m sure by now you have heard them all. “Hey Peter, you’re barking up the wrong tree” (zing), “yo Peter, let sleeping dogs lie” (good one) or “would the honorable member from Central Nova stop licking himself” (a classic).

In an effort to stop this from happening again however I have come up with what I believe is a simple solution. I would suggest that you keep a large safety pin in your pocket and if anyone mentions a dog, if you see a dog, if you even think about mentioning a dog, practice a simple act of behavior modification. Reach into you pocket, open the safety pin and slam the pointy end into the fleshy part of your hand between your forefinger and thumb. Yes this will hurt but it won’t cause any more irreparable damage to your career. Believe me, in the long run you will thank me.

Oh, before I forget – the next time you say something really stupid and you are being chased by a pack of reporters, don’t get on a boat. There is nowhere to hide on a boat except the bathroom. I think it’s important that you write this down somewhere so it doesn’t happen again.

So cheer up Peter, I’m sure the dog jokes will dissipate over the years, and I am convinced that the situation is not all grim.

Your ability to manage this crisis has been impressive. In particular I think your decision to deny you made the dog crack when you can be heard saying it on a tape was a masterstroke. This way you take the focus off the fact that you said something silly in the heat of the moment and put the focus on whether or not you are lying.

Smooth move Kasparov. As you know, saying something dumb and fessing up to it can be fatal for a cabinet minister whereas lying never hurt a career ever.

Keep up the good work!

Dear Belinda,

Yes, by all means, launch a perfume.

Dear Garth,

Funny you ask but yes I think launching a perfume is a great idea.

Dear Iggy,

I checked and for 105,000 Aeroplan points you can fly from Toronto to Israel. You have to stay over on a Monday, I think, so you might have to devote three days to solving the Middle East crisis versus a standard weekend. I think asking Canadians to donate their unwanted points to you is an excellent idea. Lots of good causes solicit points from the public. I know Ronald McDonald House takes points, and as I mentioned in my earlier email concerning your future, McDonald’s accepts resumes.

Keep up the good work.

P.S. – no I don’t think this is a good time to launch a perfume.

And the award goes to...

2006-10-18T22:03:00.000-05:00

Tonight the Gemini award for best Picture Editing in a Comedy, Variety or Performing Arts Program or Series went to Allan MacLean and Miles Davren for their work on the Mercer Report.

Miles is the one on the right. He cuts the parodies we produce. On top of being a great editor he is probably the nicest person who works on our show. It is hard to recognize him without a toque.

The guy on the left is Allan MacLean. I’ve worked with Allan for over a decade; we go way back. Allan edited 22 Minutes when I was there, he edited Made in Canada, he cut every inch of Talking to Americans and he has done every Mercer Report since day one. These days we have a pretty simple relationship. Every week I leave and come back with reams and reams of video tape, Al suffers through it and turns it into something that makes me look far better than I deserve to. Plus we have lots of laughs. He is the best editor in the business and a good friend.

Miles and Allan are an amazing team and everyone on the Mercer Report knows we would be screwed without them.

And seeing as they look so darn happy, and seeing as the picture is here in cyberspace, it’s only appropriate that this picture be considered eligible for a Photoshop challenge.

I know they would insist on it.

Congratulations men, I salute you!

From the Teleprompter of Michael Ignatieff

2006-10-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, honored guests, protester standing silently at the back of the room with a bag on his head, thank you for coming here today.

It has been almost one year now since I made the difficult decision to immigrate to Canada and run for the leadership of the Liberal Party of Canada. Since that time I have taken clear positions on difficult issues and I have taken difficult positions on clear issues. Unfortunately, many people do not seem to understand what I am talking about. If anyone is at fault here it is me; please bear with me Canada, I am used to teaching the advanced class.

I asked you to come here today so that I may clarify my statements concerning an earlier clarification about a statement I may or may not have meant to make.

As you may know earlier this year my summer vacation overseas was interrupted by a small war between Israel and Lebanon. The fact that my vacation was interrupted by this war is not in doubt. I have made myself unequivocally clear about this point.

After returning to Canada, during a frank discussion about the war, I stated that I was not losing sleep over civilian deaths in Lebanon. Some people wrongly interpreted this to mean that I was not losing sleep over civilian deaths in Lebanon. What I should have said at the time was this: I am not losing sleep over civilian deaths in Lebanon because I suffer from hysterical narcolepsy, a rare neurological disorder. Because of this condition it is not just civilian deaths that I sleep through, but sometimes entire movies and even midair turbulence. I hope now by admitting this condition I will not only clear up this unfortunate Middle East situation but also help the other half dozen of my fellow Americans who suffer from this disorder. For too long we have suffered in silence. Please visit www.hystericalnarcolepsy.org and learn more about this condition. Hysterical narcolepsy – the confusion is real.

Let us now deal with the elephant in the room. While campaigning in Quebec I stated that Israel was guilty of war crimes. Please know I made these comments in French and never intended them to be heard by English voters. Clearly everything I have read about the two solitudes is a fallacy. I now believe that the bridge between French and English Canada is the fluently bilingual Toronto Jew. I encourage them to now join me. In fact I would like to take a moment and speak directly to the good men and women of the Holy Blossom temple in Toronto. I say to you my Jewish friends – it’s Iggy time! (Pause for applause)

Please, please sit. There is more! (Wave finger)

In an effort to keep this story in the media during the coming weeks I have now decided to visit Israel for myself. I think you will agree that the crucial last days of a leadership race is the perfect time for a candidate to leave Canada.

The purpose of this trip will be twofold. Not only will I be able to analyze and solve the Israel Lebanon issue, but I have also requested that the Canada-Israel Committee who is sponsoring this trip arrange a stopover in Paris on the way back so I can get a good meal. I have been in Canada for months now and my friends I am getting antsy. (Chuckle kindly)

When I return from my pilgrimage to the holy land I think you will see a refreshed and tanned Michael Ignatieff, one who is ready to tackle the job of running Canada for all of you. And when I say you, I mean the fishers, the farmers and the Mennonites that make this country strong.

Speaking of Canada, recently a little boy in Canada’s countryside asked me a very intriguing question. “Sir,” he said, “why do you want to run all of Canada?”

I will tell you now what I told him then.

Canada is in my osseous tissue! (pause for applause)

Like you I care about Canadian values and Canadian pastimes. I know what it’s like to clear one’s mind and enjoy the thrust and parry that is found in an exciting ice hockey game. In fact I don’t mind admitting that I have always been, since the 1968 Trudeau leadership campaign in which I was a delegate, a supporter of the Toronto Maple Leafs. My support for the Leafs is something that is pure and true and can never be taken away from me. If there is political price to pay for such an admission I readily accept it. Mesdames et Messieurs, j’aime Les Canadiens. Les Leafs de Toronto sont gay! Vive les Sens! Vive les Sens libre!

I want to thank your for your time today ladies and gentlemen. And on a personal note I would like to thank the numerous people who have sent me letters and cards encouraging me during these recent dark, gaffe riddled days of the campaign. But let me tell you this. When I embarked on this adventure I knew it would not be easy. And when the going gets tough, when I think I cannot bear another conversation with another Canadian or another question about Bob Rae, I simply close my eyes and think of that great Canadian Terry Fox. And it is that image of Terry Fox courageously circling the globe in his wheel chair that gives me the courage to move forward.

(Pause for really really big round of applause)

Thank you for your support

I embrace you!

Say it ain't so, Joe.

2006-10-12T12:49:00.000-05:00

The Original

Real Hulk by Matthew Sharpe

Skunk by Gord Carter

Volpe Mort by Kiran Sachdev

Maracas by Deanna

Free Baby by Rob Conolly

by Mike Morin

by Michelle Lorenzen

by Zachary Hess

by Andrej Sakic

Volpe Springer by Maurice Motut

Volpe Dance by MJC

Volpe and Frankie by Jack Walton

by Luc Courtois

Best of... by Sarah Jayne Connick

Rocker by Matthew Sharpe

Membership by Norse of 60

Squirrel Guy

Hulk Hogan by Matthew Sharpe

De-Fibber by sPat

The Right Guy for the Job

2006-10-09T18:22:00.000-05:00

For those of us who enjoy Question Period for its pure theatrical value it’s nice to see that the Liberals finally hit their stride in the House of Commons. Until very recently, with big Bill Graham at the helm the Opposition was about as fierce and focused as a bag of kittens. Thankfully, over the break someone must have pulled Bill aside and told him what the job of the opposition is – to attack.

It’s not rocket science, it’s what the Tories did when they were in opposition and it got them the big prize. You waltz into question period, you hurl as many allegations as you can across the floor and sit back and see what sticks.

Of course, the danger with this strategy is that inevitably someone goes too far. Now, I confess I like it when someone goes too far, it makes life interesting. And personally I make a habit of going too far. Of course I don’t have to stay within the bounds of good taste like Bill does. Thank god for small mercies.

This past week the “too far moment” came when the Liberals decided to attack Environment Minister Rona Ambrose for hiring Darrel Reid as her new Chief of Staff. This is very tricky stuff here. The problem the Liberals have with Darrel Reid isn’t that he’s not qualified, it’s that he is too conservative. By too conservative they mean too much of a fundamentalist Christian. By too much of a fundamentalist Christian what they really mean is he’s the former president of Focus on the Family Canada. As far as codes go it’s pretty simple.

This is where the Liberals lose me. You can’t not hire someone because of their views. This is Canada, we have laws against that. And really Bill Graham has to realize that the Liberals lost the election. We elected a Conservative Government, so when the big jobs become available they are going to go to big conservatives. That’s just the way it works.

And while I don’t think it’s appropriate for Bill to say Darrel Reid shouldn’t get the job because of his Focus on the Family links; I think its fine when I say it.

Why the double standard? Well for starters my problem with Focus on the Family isn’t that they are a Christian organization, far from it. My problem is they seem obsessed with sex and that disturbs me. I’m a prude when it comes to these things. Focus on the Family are the people that think SpongeBob SquarePants is gay. That’s just plain crazy talk. What kind of people sit around and think about the sexual orientation of cartoon characters? And really, to suggest that SpongeBob is gay is just silly. Bi curious perhaps but a hundred percent homo? I don’t believe it.

Now don’t take my word for these things. Go to their website. Check out the Focus on the Family Canada and Focus on the Family USA sites and click on books for sale. These people think about gay sex more than gay people.

This obsession with gay sex worries me. I just hope that when Darrel Reid is Chief of Staff for the Minister of the Environment he can take his mind off the perils of anal long enough to think about the plight of the poor little Chubsucker, which is by the way the name of an endangered fish not just another lifestyle choice.

While you’re on the website, I’d also encourage you to read about the founder of the Focus on the Family organization, Dr. James Dobson. He is certainly a brave and committed individual and I can see why people like Darrel Reid would be attracted to his message. I was pleased to see that Dobson was the first person to come out and publicly support movie star Mel Gibson after Mel revealed his views on our Hebrew friends to the world. Having the courage to support a drunken anti-Semite in his time of need is the sign of a true friend.

But getting back to Darrel, why the Liberals would be surprised that he is getting a big job in Ottawa baffles me. Clearly Darrel is a good foot soldier for the Conservative party and the Prime Minister wants him in the nation’s capital. The Conservative Party even ran Reid as a candidate in the last election. Unfortunately that ended badly when Reid lost and his campaign manager blamed the Jews that control the media for the defeat.

Of course that could happen to anyone, and it wasn’t Reid who blamed the Jews it was just the guy who he hired to run his campaign for him. I only bring this up because as Rona Ambrose’s chief of staff it will be Reid’s job to hire people in her office. I hear there is an opening right now in Rona’s office for a communications director and I hope he’s learned from his past hiring triumphs. Perhaps when conducting a job interview he should ask applicants if they are aware of any vast conspiracies designed to keep him from succeeding in life. Unfortunately he cannot ask the question “are you now or have you ever been near a homosexual?” That of course would be a violation of some charter right.

Anyway, I wish Darrel well with his new position in Ottawa. While the voters didn’t seem that interested in seeing the guy make it to Ottawa, where there is a will there is a way. Thanks to Rona he’s going to make it after all.

And really, no surprises there folks. This is a democracy after all, and in Canada you get the government you vote for.

Che Black

2006-10-03T07:07:00.000-05:00

When I saw the headline in the newspaper I swear to God I heard angels sing. “Conrad Black wants Canadian Citizenship back”. Cue the trumpets – it just doesn’t get much better than this.

Seeing that headline made me so excited I couldn’t even read the bloody thing. I picked up the paper and brought it home like it was a box of chocolates. I didn’t even glance at the first sentence until everything was perfect. The coffee was brewed, my feet were up the pillow behind my neck was just so. This was a moment to be savoured.

And it was a great moment. As I read that story I don’t think I ever felt more Canadian, because I knew that for the first time in perhaps our nation’s entire history, everyone in Canada was on the same page. Every man woman and child in this nation was united and together. We were gloating as one.

And what a story – Conrad Black, a man who once had more than any of us could ever imagine, gladly gives up the one thing we all share and hold dear, a Canadian citizenship. And why? So he could go to England and become Lord Black of Cross dresser. And now after telling the entire country to shove it he wants back in.

I have to admit, the idea of Conrad Black down at some god awful immigration office stuck in the back of a line behind some poor Somali dude with a bullet in his leg fills my heart with joy.

The Schadenfreude is on bust here. Conrad is basically at the front door of Canada saying to every one of us “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean it; let me back in the house.”

And personally, like most Canadians, part of me wants to barricade the door, run up the stairs and start pouring hot bubbly oil out of the top window all over his little Lord costume – the red one with the big white fur neck.

But unfortunately that’s not the Canadian way. I hate to admit it but I think we have to take the high road. We shouldn’t humiliate the guy any more no matter how much we want to. Bottom line is it’s fun to “kick up,” but it is unseemly to kick a guy when he’s down. Granted Conrad Black’s version of being down is slightly different than for the rest of us. His assets are frozen and he must somehow get by on a measly $45,000 dollars a month. There are rumours he might sell the Bentley.

And besides, seeing Conrad fighting for his life in the American courts makes me root for the guy. As it stands now he insists he will fight to the death in court and that there will be no plea bargain. He has even described himself, without a hint of irony, as a “freedom fighter.” Now it’s too soon to be said whether future generations of university students and skateboarders will take down the pictures of Che Guevara and replace them with woodcut prints of Lord Black but stranger things have happened.

Now just to be clear I’m not suggesting Conrad get special treatment – I’m suggesting he get treated like a Canadian.

Because regardless of what was said, or what papers were signed in the heat of the moment, that’s exactly what he is. Conrad Black was born in Canada, he grew up here and he built his business here. In fact Conrad became the giant poncy tool that he is today in Canada. Yes he denied us, yes we all heard the cock crow, but that had more to do with his getting into a peeing match with Jean Chrétien than anything else. That was then this is now. I suggest we have to do the right thing, the Canadian thing and give him the citizenship back – and then, being Canadian, we never ever let him forget it. We lord it over the lord forever. Amen

Bring Out Your Dead

2006-09-25T17:58:00.000-05:00

Dear friend and supporter,

Did you know that in the event of your tragic death you can remain an active member of the Liberal Party of Canada? The party’s membership renewal commission has reinterpreted our constitution and has determined that dead people can now hold executive positions within the Liberal party and even attend future conventions as voting members.

This is why I am writing to you today.

Please consider a one time gift of your human remains to the party – at no cost to you.

Imagine the peace of mind you will have on your deathbed knowing that while death may bring an end to many of life’s pleasures, you will still be involved in the advancement of democracy and Liberal ideals in Canada.

Many Canadians are doing just that right now. Michael Ignatieff has a number of deceased Canadians working for him on his campaign. They may be dead but they can still get Iggy with it! In fact World War I flying ace Billy Bishop has recently taken out a party membership and has officially endorsed Ignatieff and the courageous positions he has taken on the use of force during the interrogation of prisoners.

But while Billy Bishop’s arrival back on the scene is certain to bring some excitement to this campaign it is Joe Volpe who should be commended for pioneering this exciting new way to support the Liberal party. As Joe has said so eloquently in the past, for the Liberal party to succeed in the 21st century we must embrace not only hardworking new Canadians but non-working dead Canadians as well.

It was Joe who realized early on that the dead were a huge untapped resource, signing up as many of these dedicated dead Liberals as he could. In fact, after a hard day of campaigning in the many small towns across Canada Joe would often, under cover of darkness, visit local graveyards. Once there Joe, armed with artist parchment and a number four charcoal pencil, would make tombstone rubbings until dawn. Every rubbing a testament to a life lived and the basis for a party membership.

So if you are dead or near dead hurry now and give your body to the party – all the leadership candidates are looking for support from dead people.

Bob Rae, for example, has recently accepted the public endorsement of Hedy Fry.

So we ask you now in the event of your death – remember the Liberal party of Canada. Also in the event of your near death, say a car accident or heart attack, take the opportunity to ask your deceased relatives if they would like to support the party.

Donate your body today by downloading a donor declaration of intent from the Liberal Party website.

Do it for Canada.

Yours truly,

Mackenzie King
Chair
Membership Renewal Commission
Liberal Party of Canada

Smartest Guy in the Room?

2006-09-20T07:32:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday evening I found myself with my feet up watching CPAC broadcast the most recent Liberal leadership race live from Vancouver. Good scheduling on the Liberals’ part, most Canadians are free at dinnertime on a Sunday.

Later as the debate progressed I flicked over and saw that the finale for Canadian Idol was on. It dawned on me that it was quite possible that I was the only TV viewer in the entire country who was watching the debate live.

For those of you who didn’t catch it here are the highlights in alphabetical order: Bob Rae. That’s it. End of highlights.

I remember exactly where I was the moment I heard Bob Rae wanted to be leader of the Liberal party. Its one of those seared in sense memory thingies, like remembering where you were when the Challenger blew up or you heard Stockwell Day was straight.

Honestly, Bob Rae wanting to be Liberal leader seemed so bizarre I figured it was just a matter of time before Bob would be on the TV revealing the tragic results of the CAT scan.

Nothing against Rae of course, I’m sure he means well – it’s just that his record as NDP premier of Ontario will never go away. It’s like Herpes. That’s forever.

But watching the debate in Vancouver I realized that my initial reaction was way off. Believe it or not Bob Rae has the big mo. Standing up there on the stage in front of all those Liberals – Bob Rae looked like a Prime Minister and Michael Ignatieff looked like he was digesting a bag of California spinach.

Poor Iggy.

In the media Ignatieff is usually described as “current frontrunner.” Soon that will make way for “former frontrunner,” and eventually Ignatieff will simply be called “disappointed”. This was not the way this was supposed to play out.

Iggy’s problem is not the number of delegates he has or his support in the Liberal caucus. He’s got a healthy pile of these folks in his pocket. His problem is while delegates may be political junkies they work and walk among civilians. Part of the job of a delegate is to constantly bore the hell out of everyone at the office talking about this leadership race. And as the leadership slowly makes it onto the civilian radar more and more of these civilians are asking their delegate friends why in god’s name they think Michael Ignatieff is electable.

Right now there are a lot of confirmed Iggy supporters who are starting to wonder whether or not they have backed the wrong horse.

Some people have suggested that Canadians aren’t warming up to Iggy because of his intellectual credentials. I don’t buy this. Canadians don’t mind that Ignatieff is the smartest guy in the room; what bugs them is that he acts like it. We can’t relate to a guy like that – personally I’m happy if I’m the smartest guy in the elevator.

To be fair though this is probably an occupational hazard that comes with being a Harvard professor .And this alone isn’t fatal; in fact it’s pretty common actually. Our current Prime Minister also thinks he’s the smartest guy in the room – although when you consider the type of room Harper usually finds himself in, you can hardly blame him. When Harper exits a caucus meeting it’s not entirely clear if the title “smartest guy in the room” immediately shifts to his parliamentary secretary or the jade plant.

Of course my gut feeling that suddenly this is Rae’s race is hardly scientific. There are still some people who think Iggy can take this sucker on the first ballot, and really the opinion of a non delegate like me watching at home on the couch is entirely irrelevant.

Also in the spirit of full disclosure I have to admit that there were times during the debate when I was not entirely awake; in fact I think I nodded off a few times. I was, like so many other Canadians, simply killing time on a Sunday evening staring at the TV with a beer between my knees – and from that perspective Bob Rae is now the guy to beat.