sherian

Sweet P

2010-03-02T16:53:00.006-07:00

It's been a whirlwind of events. In an effort to record the most accurate information, I'm going to cut and paste most of what Jess and Kyle wrote...

As some of you have heard our most precious little angel returned to her heavenly fathers arms today around 10:30 AM.

We saw both Morgan and Paetyn last night from 8-10 PM and they were both doing very well. Kyle got to hold Morgan for an hour and a half. Paetyn was doing excellent on her feedings so they raised her meal amount. This is why we were very surprised to get the phone call at 9:30 AM this morning about our "sweet P" Paetyn. The Nurse Practitioner said that she was very sick and in critical condition. They said last night at 1 AM they started noticing a difference in her. So they stopped the feedings and ran some test. She kept on getting worse and worse. I called Kyle right away and told him he needed to leave work and go give his little girl a blessing. When we got to the hospital there were about 10 people working on our little angel. Not a fun sight to see. We didn't realize how sick she really was. By the time we got there she was starting to go into a steep decline. Her face was purple and she was on 100% oxygen and still not getting enough. They were giving her extra breaths manually with a hand compressor. The Neonatologist then decided to do chest compressions. While he was doing the compressions he kept on saying "Common sweet P... common". They had us right next to her bed and I got to hold her hand. She was completely sedated but did give us a wave. The neonatologist then said "she is not going to make it you guys... I am so sorry. We are doing more damage now than anything". She felt no pain. We know she was waiting for her mommy and daddy to see her off. We are so glad we were there and she didn't have to be alone. The Neonatologist said he knows she felt our love and heard us say our goodbyes. Kyle started to give her a blessing while they were doing the chest compressions. The blessing was short. He blessed her that she would feel no pain and that the Lords will would be done and that she would be happy and feel joy. About a minute into the blessing everyone stopped working on her and unhooked her from the ventilator and feeding tube. I got to hold her right before she passed. He said her heart was still beating but she was not breathing. While I held her Kyle gave her another blessing and sent her home to her Heavenly Father and told her how much we love her. We both held her at that moment with many tears. All the nurses, doctors, and respiratory therapist where crying as well. The whole time we wanted to wake up from this nightmare and go back to the way things were yesterday.

The Neonatogolist said that she got an infection that spread throughout her body instantly. They drew blood cultures and the labs said that there was already stuff growing after an hour which is unheard of. They said since she is so small her body could not fight the infection and it was too late. He also said that something like this (a sudden death) only happens about once or twice in the NICU. They will let us know exactly what bacteria it was but we decided to not do an autopsy.

We know, being the circumstances, that this was her time to go. We are so proud of her for making it as long as she did. 16 days old. She was our little warrior! She was actually doing better than Morgan in someways. Her last weighing she weighed 1 pound 5 oz. She is still the cutest tiniest little thing but we know it took all she had to gain those 4 oz. We are so glad that we got to see our girl healthy for her whole life. We are so glad she opened her eyes a few days ago and looked right at us. We felt a real connection with her and got to meet our little Paetyn that day! We got to see her feisty personality and strong spirit. We are so proud to be her parents and know that someday we will get to finish raising her. We held her for about 4 hours before the mortuary came and got her. I got to help bathe her and put 2 white bows in her hair. They also found a dress for a 2 pound baby that she will be buried in. She looked so beautiful all dressed in white and wrapped in a white blanket. They also gave her a tiny little bracelet and did hand and feet molds. We got to put her by Morgan and get a few pictures of them together. We even got a couple of our entire family (the 4 of us).

There was a strong spirit in the NICU today. It was the spirit of our Paetyn and all the helping angels around her. Our love for her grew so much today and our love for our family, each other, and our savior. We know that before Paetyn left she said goodbye to her sister. We know she will be Morgan's guardian angel throughout her life. Morgan is so lucky to have her on the other side looking out for her and watching over her. There will always be a big place in our hearts for Paetyn Lynn. Kyle picked out her name :) He always loved the name Paetyn and wanted to name her after her mommy (my middle name) and his Grandpa (his moms dad Lynn Orr). We can not wait to see Paetyn again.

With love,
Kyle, Jess, and Morgan

We had her viewing and burial yesterday. During the planning of all this... Jay and Kyle wanted her in East Lawn cemetery. Mike's siblings were generous enough to allow her to be buried with Carol, Mike's mom. Carol was a labor and delivery nurse for 25 years. She was the sweetest, kindest woman with the biggest heart. I felt her spirit so strong during the burial.
It was heartbreaking to watch them kiss their baby and close that tiny casket. Kyle carried it out to the hearse.
Even having the knowledge of God's plan... and knowing it is a short time until we'll see our loved ones again... that void is so huge. This is the first death in my family, and to see Jay go through this has changed my life. I know that this little one was so special, and Jay is a such an amazing Mom.
At the viewing, I hugged Jay and she whispered in my ear that she has missed me. All I could say was "I'm sorry". I'm sorry...
I'm sorry for not being a better big sister. I'm sorry I let trivial differences get in the way of our relationship. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to understand her. I'm sorry for missing the moments we could have shared over the last couple years.
Then she said that she knew Paetyn brought us together. And she did bring us together. She will be so loved and missed, always.

R & R

2010-02-25T09:59:00.004-07:00

Nic got me a gift certificate to a spa for Christmas. In her clever planning... she also got a gift certificate to the same spa for Christmas.
We had an amazing 'winter' pedicure to save our poor feet from the effects of living in this dry cold place. It was perfect to lift my spirits... I just tried not to look down at my kankles and sausage toes.
We had visited a very nice spa on our sisters retreat last year to Moab. It was the nicest spa I had visited... and we took full advantage of the robes, slippers, snacks, drinks, massage, steam room, sauna, and steam showers. It was awesome!
This spa was equally awesome. And had a great fireplace to sit and relax in front of.
The two estheticians were amazing. They were fun to talk to, and really loved their jobs. You know it's a good place when they love working there so much.
I felt bad, because I don't have dry skin... so I've never been good at lathering on the lotion. I use lotions for smelling... not for moisturizing. Nic has dry skin, so she is religious about lotioning her feet every night. I just suffer through the winter and don't worry too much about my feet.
The poor girl earned her tip... I felt bad she had to 'sand blast' the calluses off my heals. Terrible!

Funny story...
Neither Nic or I are ticklish. Our feet cannot be tickled. I always contributed it to growing up without shoes on. You run across that hot asphalt street enough times, and you lose feeling. I can have bare feet and walk on almost any surface. I haven't tried the circus trick where they walk on glass, but I probably could look into that career if something happens to Mike.
Anyways... the esthitician said that she was told that being ticklish is an inability to read pressure. So somewhere during your life, you developed areas of you body that you can't read pressure. Which means I must have tolerated a lot of pressure growing up... sounds about right. Interesting.
It really was an amazing night of pampering. Then of course we ended up talking till too late, but she's the best person to talk to. I really feel blessed to have such a great sister.
We spent last Saturday making freezer meals for Jay. We busted out 20 meals for them, and a couple for ourselves. Nic is a great cook, and she works so hard... regardless of what she's doing. Always willing to help, and my favorite person to do things like this with. I was telling her that it's great to do tings with her, because I never worry about anything. She is dependable, and for someone who really struggles depending on people, I can say that she is as good as it gets!

Big Fat Bummer

2010-02-17T12:12:00.006-07:00

Bummer... this post will be a real bummer.
I recently worked my hardest to accomplish something. I gave it everything I had, honestly I'm not sure there was anything else I could have done!
I picture will get hung on the wall... another constant reminder of my failures and lack of self-control. I know it's a photo that everyone else will be fine with. And when openly complain about it... I will only be told "you look good!" and "it's not bad!" But honestly, after expecting certain results... the fact is that I'm extremely disappointed. If I don't believe it, it doesn't matter. I will keep my mouth shut and not complain... because there's nothing worse for me than feeling patronized. Even though I know it's just other people trying to be nice.
I guess I need to learn the lesson that... as bad as I might want something, I may never get it.
I know that I need to become more content with myself. And truthfully... that's probably the true lesson I need. I often times want something I don't need as much as I think I do. Or... what I want is stupid and superficial.
Happiness.
I need to find a way to be happy, and still keep a drive to improve. I seem to feel the most motivated by my unhappiness with something or someone. How do I become happy with myself, and still improve myself. Here's the cycle...
1. I get in a state of unhappiness, disgust, or become downright miserable.
2. I get through it by committing to make a change, overhaul myself.
3. I (hopefully) make a change... or at least make some moves in the direction that makes me happier.
4. I get into a better mental place, and decide to love myself. Accept my weaknesses and just be a happier person.
5. THEN... become happier with myself... only to revert back to the things that originally make me so miserable.
So my dilemma is... how do I love myself... accept my weaknesses... and still improve myself? My desire to improve myself seems to disappear when I decide I need to love myself for who I am.
I worry that I don't know how to be happy without self-destructing. It's almost like no mater what, I'm still not content with the results.
There is ALWAYS areas to improve. And even when I improve, I'm not quite happy yet. If I want to lose 20 pounds, I work hard to do so. But then when I reach my goal... I find that I need to lose another 10. I get discouraged, and decide to love myself. Then I love myself back to where I started.
I'm the same way with my kids, or cleaning my house, or scripture study. I find that no matter how hard I work, or how much I improve... I'm not where I want to be.
I know I'm not happy when my criticizing starts expanding from myself... to everything else. I start to find fault in everything and everyone. I walk away from a situation with only the negative parts. Or I over analyze and twist anything said until it becomes a bad thing. I think that everyone being nice to me is lying, and statr pushing people away.
Sometimes it just feels as if I just don't WANT to be happy. But I do.
How do I accept others, but not myself? Am I really accepting of others, or do I do the same thing with the people around me?
It's almost as if 'accepting who I am' is just an excuse to not try.
Maye I don't know the true meaning of acceptance. Or I just don't truly know how to accept.
What it all seems to boil down to is selfishness. I don't think it's fair that I have to work so hard to lose weight. Even if I lose some... I can't lose enough to be happy.
I can pray, search scriptures, and I still don't know why I can't fit in here. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I can make myself 'to do' list, but can never get it all done. I can't get my house clean. I can't do all the things I want to do with my kids. I feel lazy. Too tired to keep up.
I can make myself feel better by 'letting it go' or 'accepting' myself. But it's just giving up. And giving up doesn't make it better... and doesn't mean that all that stuff is magically fixed.
Depressing... I know. I think I just need the sun to come back.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-15T18:36:00.002-07:00

Mike and I take turns each year planning a Valentine's date. I know there are those who "don't believe" in the holiday. Stupid, commercialized, a ploy or government holiday, crowded restaurants, blah, blah... keep on complaining. What holiday isn't a government holiday now days? Christmas is the biggest marketing ploy, but I still celebrate and buy gifts. I think some people are cheap and frankly a little selfish... investing in your relationship is never stupid. I am grateful for a hubby who indulges in silly romance... even if it's 'stupid'.
Our big date does not have to be expensive... only memorable. Time is the most valuable gift we can give and receive. It was my year, and since we are 'getting away' in a few weeks, I tried to pack a punch in a few hours. So we got a couples massage and went to dinner.
Mike and massages... I must elaborate.
Mike is the definition of a 'manly man' not too evolved from the caveman. I knew that it would never happen. But I guess this is why our relationship works... I push him out of his box. And he gets out a marker and draws a box to help keep me in one place... and he draws a box big enough to keep me who I am.
So this was my plan. I scheduled an appointment without talking about it first. (don't ask/don't tell) I drove us there and we walked in. He shook a woman's hand and we walked back to a dim room. He looked at me and said "What are we doing?" By that point he had no choice but to take his clothes off and endure it.
And just as I expected... he loved every minute. Now, years later, he was so happy to hear of our plans.
Our date was fabulous. We went to dinner early to avoid too much wait... although a night of waiting together is still... together. (It's not like we could starve) I love spending time with that wonderful man, and I'm so stinkin' happy to be married to him. Love him!

Parenting doesn't get much better than this week

2010-02-12T18:33:00.003-07:00

I have to start blogging everyday, only because things come out of my kids' mouth and I think "I HAVE to remember to write that down". Then I forget.
This morning Sophie and I were snuggling (which she calls Snaggling) in my bed this morning. She stood up and apparently had a major wedgie under her nightgown. She gets a bothered look on her face and says "Mom?... I think that my bum is eating my underwear for breakfast!"

My parenting class ended this week. I wish I could continue it for the rest of my life. It seems that a weekly reminder is the only way I can retain and use information.
I can say that I got so much from it. I can really love my kids more when I'm not stressed out, and inpatient. The biggest thing I learned is that I worry way too much. I make too many rules. I love my kids to the point of wanting to control things I can't control. Realizing the things I can and can't control works wonders for my sanity.
In searching for the tools to try and be a better Mom for Sophie... it has made me realize all the things I've done to screw up the others. It's not that my first three were easier, or better behaved. It was that they learned how to survive my controlling parenting methods, and probably conformed to what I wanted from them. Mainly out of fear I bet.
I can only take solace in thinking it's not too late to change.
I will never be perfect. I will never even become the parent I want to be... but I can do better. I can ask for forgiveness. I can learn that in accepting their mistakes and weaknesses... they will hopefully return the favor and accept my shortcomings.

On a similar note... I had Parent/Teacher Conferences this week...
Sophie's evaluation was in typical Sophie style. I'm always surprised in the fact that she is much smarter than I think she is. She retains SO much more than I think. (Then I think about her ability to push my buttons and remember that she is smarter than I am in most situations. And my underestimating her is the proof that she is smarter than I will ever know. Stinker.)
Addi is in K-garten, and loves every minute. Then again, she loves every minute of her entire life. Her positive attitude is the most incredible quality I've ever known, and blesses the lives of everyone around her.
Lexi's teacher was sick, and had to cancel her appointments. Thankfully, I get to be in the class on Friday's, so I'm not worried. Lex is my quiet shell with a loud personality. She's got so much heart it's unbelievable!
Cori's teacher was the funniest. I was her first appointment, and when I got there she was not in the classroom. I waited a few minutes then got a bit worried. We don't get much time, and I had another teacher right afterward. With about 5 minutes to go, I see her walking down the hall. She meets me in the entryway to say, "Cori's great. I'm never worried about her." I just looked at her, waiting for more. Then she said "Do you have any worries?" I said "Nope. Thanks." And that was that. No worries... a decent report.

I registered Sophie for K-garten. I'm sure I don't how much my life will change in the next couple years.
I'm not worried about being bored. I've honestly been looking forward to this time for 10 years. I'm excited to work. And even though I will miss spending the time with my sweeties... I cannot tell a lie... being a 'stay at home Mom' does not completely fill my cup. Maybe I have a bigger selfish bone than others... it's probably my femur.

The fun has arrived

2010-02-10T12:06:00.004-07:00

After a crazy 28 weeks, my sister had her twins on Thursday, February 9th.
Paetyn came into this world at a whopping 1lb. 1oz. and 12 inches long...

And her younger... but bigger sister Morgan tipped the scales at 2lbs. 5oz. and 14 inches long...

I knew I belonged to an older generation when I found out that an email had been sent out with the big news... and for someone who checks her email only a couple times a week... I was told through the grapevine. (Not just through the grapevine... my grandma called me... she's my internet savvy informer)
The sad thing, was that my Mom was out-of-town on a business trip. I read the email and while the girls were doing surprising well, for being so tiny... Jay lost a lot of blood. I realized this and felt horrible that she didn't even have her Mom here for the birth of her first child... I mean children. I thought I would head to the hospital, even just to be someone in the waiting room.
My sister and I have not been the closest over the last couple years. We are about as opposite as two people can get. I will say that regardless of differences... the bond between my sisters is unbelievably strong. And when all hell breaks loose, I know that my sisters are the people who will be there for me. We have a crazy amount of dedication to each other... even if we drive each other crazy :)
So I get to the hospital to find my sister as white as a ghost. Literally, it scared the crap out of me. Usually, you see a woman who just gave birth and say "You look amazing!" Because anyone who has gone through it knows that if you can have your insides ripped out of you and manage to still be in one piece... with a smile on your face... you look incredible!
I didn't want to say that I was worried about her... but I was. They were just starting her first blood transfusion, and she desperately needed it. They were also giving her some Demerol for pain. Within minutes, she was looking a lot better. Her incision from the c-section looked amazing. The doctor came in and explained why she had lost so much blood. He said he had to cut through blood vessels as thick as his fingers. (and he is a large man!) He talked about how great the girls were doing, and that they are "as good as anyone could hope for" given how little they are.
Jay was hoping to see her girls, and understandably ticked her off that she hadn't seen them yet. (I remember when they didn't bring Sophie back to me after she was born... I was not a happy lady!) My littlest sister showed up, and even with the improvement I had witnessed, I could tell Sam was worried. Jay and Kyle started filling her in on the events. I looked over to see her sit down in the chair. She looked at me and said "I think I'm going to pass out." Next thing I know... Sam head dives towards the floor. I grabbed her just in time to save her skull from smacking the floor. But from the angle I had her, I couldn't bring her back to an upright position. Jay was too drugged to see me bent over at the end of her bed. And it took Kyle a bit to understand what I was doing. (It says something about my family to know that those types of things look like we could just be messing around.)
Kyle helped me get her back up in the chair. And the nurse quickly got her some juice.
As Jay got more pain meds in her, she got more and more relaxed. She looked pretty darn comfortable. Then she started saying things like "You guys should try this stuff" and "I wish we could all do this together" When Kyle said "We should all try it at a concert." Jay got a big smile and slurred "That would be sick!" Too funny!
They were able to finally get Jay to the NICU. Sam and I went down to the gift shop and found the cutest pink baby vase of flowers. Then Nic showed up with some beautiful flowers.
I'm so proud of Jay. Her strength through this pregnancy and delivery. She is an amazing Mom, and loves those girls with all her heart. Her selflessness is incredible, and Kyle is a stellar husband... and now a stellar Daddy.
I so happy for them, and wish them luck on the crazy road ahead!

The end is near

2010-02-09T18:37:00.001-07:00

I think that it's interesting... and a bit concerning...that I've heard so much counsel lately on preparedness. It's not anything new, I mean it's all information I've heard before, it just seems to be more and more frequently.
We've had Sunday School lessons, RS lessons, both VT messages this year... and so on. This past week it's been on my mind a lot.
I'm not a 'doomsday' person, and I don't get caught up in the consipiracy theories about "the world ending", but I can say that I worry about bad things appinging to our nation. I can see where a supply of food and a reserve of financial security.
Part of my personal battle includes justifying my half-a efforts as good enough... or better than most people. Somehow, I think that "better than other people" won't do me much good when it comes down to it.
My 72-hour kits are stocked and in place, we have a decent amount of food stored, and I feel like things are pretty much in order if we encountered disaster. But... I have this voice in my head telling me that there's more to be done. A persistent little voice that keeps nagging at me to put more effort into being better prepared.
I keep dismissing the voice, hoping it will just go away. But lately, I feel like it's coming in all directions, I can't avoid it.
So I'm thinking I have to take action, I have to finally listen to that voice and realize the things I need to do. Buggers!
On another note... my sister had twins... very, very prematurely. I was able to visit her soon after she had them. Our Mom was out-of-town, and I felt so bad for her. Even though my sister and I haven' been the closest, I would do anything to show support for her situation.
Even when she showed concern at the possibility of a stretchmarks on her stomach... I was able to bite my tongue and be supportive.
It's amazing how modern medicine can keep these little people alive! The bigger baby weighed two and a half pounds, and the other baby was barely over one pound. They truly are little miracles. I hope they don't suffer any long-term struggles and I hope they fight through any obstacles that might come their way.
My sister seems to be handling the situation very well, and I pray she will be able to stay strong through the coming months.
Here's what I've learned this week...
Regardless of hurt feelings, or differences between family members... when push comes to shove... family will always pull together. I would do ANYTHING for my sisters, and I know they would do the same for me. Family ties are strong, and in my opinion... unbreakable. It's sad that it sometimes takes tragedies to know just how strong that bond is, but I'm glad to know it's there.

Manda's Big Day

2010-02-07T18:31:00.002-07:00

I had the opportunity to escort my sister through the temple. She was taking out her endowments a week before her wedding. She is such an amazing woman, a great example to me in my life.
Going through the temple with her reminded me of some of the feelings I had the first time I went through.
My Mom and I hadn't been very close, in fact... planning the wedding was the most we had talked or spent time together since I was probably 11 years old. We got along much better after I moved away from home... and I wasn't involved much in my own wedding. We went dress shopping together, and talked about things now and then... but that was about it.
So I didn't really have anyone to help prepare me for my first time at the temple. Part of why I admire my sister, is because of the preparations she made before that big day.
That was a bigger day for me than the day I got married. My nerves were shot, and I threw up on the way to the temple.
As I went through with her, the temple workers were so impressed with the calmness and confidence she had about everything. The workers kept saying "We have some brides/women come through who look so scared and confused." I wanted to say "Yep! That was me!"
It was such a great experience to be a part of, and I don't think she'll ever understand how much it meant to me, that she wanted me to do that with her.
It's great to look up to my little sister... she is one of the smartest and most genuine person I know.
The following Saturday was the wedding. I did her hair and make-up the morning of... bright and early... or should I say 'not-so-bright' and early. I can't think of the last time I woke up when it was still that dark outside.
After getting her all ready, I realized I had only left myself 30 minutes to get out the door. I quickly did my make-up, and seriously considered pulling up my hair a ponytail. I decided to try and quickly straighten it... blah.
Oh well! It was too busy of a day for me to worry about it. Plus, the fact that Mike had to get the girls ready to meet us at the temple made me think that damage control with their hair would be the enough to worry about.
I was responsible for the decorations at the reception. It was at a beautiful place, so luckily the table decor was all I had to do.
Manda (who is so amazing and smart) had a very limited budget, so I got creative and came up with some cheap (and fairly modern) centerpieces.
Tension was running rather high, and the funny part was that Manda's was the most relaxed. I had to tell my self... and my sister... "don't let me get this stressed when my girls get married" It doesn't make it fun for other people. It's like that saying "too many cooks in the kitchen"
Anyways...
The self-centered focus building up to this day paid off. I set some outrageous weight loss goals, and anticipated this day way too much. I can say that with all my hard work, it did pay off. I was able to be pretty happy with the way I looked, and felt good in my efforts.
I'm so happy for Manda... she is an amazing person, and I have no doubt that she will accomplish great things. Her husband is so lucky to have her, and he's a great guy himself. I wish them infinite happiness, and all the blessings in the world.

Ramblings on Randomness

2010-01-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

Oh life!It has been quite the week!
This diet has gotten surprisingly better. I thought I might have to throw in the towel, but I've stuck with it through one of the craziest weeks I've had in a long time.
This is just the highlight reel...
I got released from my calling. I threw a big Birthday party, not being able to even taste any of my favorite treats. I attended a fabulous Paul Mitchell training. I started a 6 week parenting course. I attended a party with my cousins (who I don't see very often), and couldn't eat anything. I got sick and then sicker. I sent my husband to the Middle East. ... ALL without ANY comfort food!!!

So now I sit. I read, I watch TV, I get on the computer. Then I sit again, read some more, watch mind-numbing TV, and search the internet for real-estate in AZ, FL, and Southern CA. I need warmth!
I have finished two books in the last 12 days. The one I finished last night was "Eat, Pray, Love". I really enjoyed it. I felt a connection to her writing method. As if she wrote the way I think in my head.
It was fascinating, and I loved her part on Rome. I love that place! And I love the food in Italy! There is no comparison. I have no doubt that I would weigh the size of my house if I lived there. The only reason I didn't gain 20 pounds when I went, is because I walked 10 miles a day!
She then wrote about finding God. Depending on your beliefs and your personal relationship with God, you could take different things out of her experience.
I loved her raw and honest journey of finding herself... on many levels.

Oh! I bought a blender. On sale for $29. Wow... I know. That's about as exciting as it gets these days.

Mike is on the other side of the planet... hobnobbing with the world's most important business leaders. And I sit here thinking about what I'd do if terrorists took him from me. Watching 24 doesn't help... In case you were wondering.

Oh yeah... my parenting class. It's wonderful! I was supposed to take it with Mike, instead I get to take it alone. That's okay... when he comes home I'll use it as my reasoning for everything. "What? You want me to make dinner? sorry... my class said they need to make it for themselves! Independence." Cleaning? "I learned in my class that Mother's should never clean up after their children. Discipline." "Hey guess what? My class taught me that moving to a warmer climate helps raise well-adjusted teenagers!"
No really, I'm excited to learn anything that might help me become a better parent. Someone told me that they didn't want to take the course because you end up "hearing everybody's comments about themselves, and their opinions" The fact is, that I am all for learning from other peoples experiences. Hearing different parents points of view, and expanding my knowledge in that area. I am not about to put myself above anybody else in that room. That's a mistake I've already made... thinking I know everything about parenting, and putting other people's parenting skills down. My sweet Sophie has taught me that I need all the help I can get.
It's actually a bit comforting to sit in a room of parents who have some of the same struggles I have. You mean I'm not the only person with a child who has anger issues? Thank the Lord!!!
I tend to parent rather controlling... it's all I've known... and it seems to have been affective with my older kids. But it's deceiving. I want to raise a child who can think for themselves, who can make the right choices... without me telling them what the right choice is. I'm not going to be in Jr. High and High School with my girls, and they need to have the confidence to make decisions. Well-adjusted. Well-Balanced. Good winners, and good losers. With the ability to pick them selves up off the floor when things go wrong. They will make mistakes... lots of them. So I want them to be equipped with the confidence to know "it's okay to make a mistake" and they "won't always be the BEST at what they do" Even though I'd love nothing more to tell them that they will be the best, and they are perfect!
Sophie spilled her milk ALL over the floor tonight at dinner. I smiled and said "Oh Sophie, darn it... I guess you better wipe it up?" Addi jumped out of her seat and said "I'll do it!" and I had to say "No, Sophie spilled... so Sophie's gotta clean it up."
Sophie got the paper towels and started wiping. She was smearing it ALL OVER. Almost making a bigger mess than the original. She kept at it, and kept at it. I wanted so badly to finish it for her. She was almost done and said "Don't hate me Mom" I was shocked! "Honey! I could never hate you!" she smiled and said "I know... thanks."
Now I'm not gonna lie, after I put her to bed I had to mop the floor... but she didn't know that! :)

So I have dropped some 'poundage' on this crazy diet. I can admit that I had my doubts. I'm not trying to figure it out, meaning how it works. Like... why can't I eat broccoli? or why can't I put on lotion?... I just can't! So I'm on day 13 of 30... almost half way done. Hooray.

I went back and read some of my previous posts... sometimes they cheer me up. I was laughing at my "Wonder Mom" post when life was wonderful for those few minutes. I wanted to post about how unattainable that feels right now. But I found a picture that captured all the words I could have written...
That is how I feel today.

By the way...
If you drink enough water (and don't eat much food) your pee can be TOTALLY CLEAR! I mean really and completely CLEAR! Like you didn't even use the bathroom. (Do you still have to flush if your pee is clear and sterile?)
And... asparagus really makes your pee smell bad... really, really bad.
Goodnight.

Kissed the Boys and Made Them Cry!

2010-01-17T20:10:00.000-07:00

"Addi- BiGaddi, puddin' pie, she kissed the boys and made 'em cry. Ooohhh Addi, baby girl Addi. Sweeeeet Addi, won't cha be mine!" - (sung in quite a groovy tune)

Addi is the spice in my life. She is a unique and special person of her own. Definitely a "one-of-a-kind"! My sweet baby girl Addi turned 6 on Tuesday. And while she is the height of an 8 year old. She is my one child who wants me to treat her like a infant. She would be so happy if I would feed her, cradle her, sleep with her, and sing her lullaby's all day long. She really is the most loving and nurturing child I've ever known.
This has been a challenge, since I'm not the most nurturing mother. I appreciate her patience with me. I hope to give her all the love and attention she wants in this life.

Addi lives in two worlds. This one that we all share, and her imaginary land. I thought she would grow out of it by now, but it has only evolved with her.
When she was around 3 years old, she started having imaginary pets. We were at a stoplight one day when she shouted "Mom! Look! Jack followed us!" I quickly look in my mirrors and to the right and left sides of me. I then realize that I don't know a Jack... "Who's Jack?" She points out her window and says "Right there! Jack... the white horse."

Well, as the years passed, she started having friends. She would ask if they could sleep over. "Ummm... sure!" They were always gone by morning, so how could I say no?
Then she told me they would sneak over here at nights and have big Birthday parties in her room. They would bring her presents and everything.
They became a part of our day-to-day lives, and one day I asked her "Why don't you ever go to your friends to play?" She said "They really like our house... and their Mom's don't like having people over." Alrighty then.
Lately she has taken to imaginary cooking and baking. She's always making cakes, cookies, and serving Mike and I our diet drinks. ( no wonder I have issues losing weight!) As Mike was leaving for his trip, she stocked him up with muffins, cakes, and cookies... enough to last him two weeks. As we dropped him off at the airport she yells "Did you remember all your treats Daddy?"
We went to Smith's last week and I forgot my wallet, we turned around and drove home to get it. As we were leaving she said "Too bad we aren't in my imaginary world! You could buy anything at the store for a penny! ALL OF IT for a penny!" So that opened up the conversation where I said "Addi? Why do you think you have an imaginary world? Is it because you don't like the real world we live in?" She thought about it a minute and said "No, I have imaginary pets though... because I know you will never let me have real ones." I agreed that was a good idea. Then I asked "What about friends?" She laughed, "Mom! You can never have enough friends!" True. I asked "Do you have another Mom in your imaginary world?" To which she melted my heart with "I could NEVER have another Mom, you love me in both my worlds!" True again.
So we'll see how long it lasts, but it's only getting more and more elaborate as her imagination grows.
Addi is a great big sister, and takes such good care of Sophie.

She has as heart big enough to love everyone and anyone. She is incredible forgiving, and can find the good in any situation.
She is my "sunshine girl" because of how she was as a baby. Every morning she would wake up and sit straight up in bed... look around the room... and smile! She NEVER cried in the mornings, honestly it was hard ot know when she was awake. I would peek in her room to see her big grin, giggling that I was getting her out of her crib.
She sucked her two middle fingers, and was always my cuddle bug. She still climbs in my bed and cuddles... although now she talks to me non-stop. She was my chubbiest baby... just rolls and rolls of the chubbiest chubs! I LOVED it! And now she is my 'skin and bones' child. Always hungry... always! The pediatrician guestimated her somewhere around 6'2"-6'4", so I figure that's why she needs all the food!

She is my chatty-kathy, friendly to anyone and everyone. She compliments me at least once a day... on what I'm doing or what I'm wearing. She is a social butterfly and LOVES people.
I pray that she finds a husband who will love and adore her as much as she will love and adore him! She will be a fantastic mother, far more loving that I could ever be. She is my little slice of heaven in my 'real' world!

My Tween

2010-01-12T09:54:00.001-07:00

(I have to note... this is my 200th post. I'm surprised that even with my 'time off' last year I have posted that many times. I don't tend to stick with many things, so this is huge for me.)

Tween: In between

a girl ages about 10-13...too old for toys, but too young for boys.

Very easy to market to, will usually follow any fashion trend set for them, will most likely go through the phase of 'finding themselves' as they 'grow up'.

1. Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen's main fanbase are all tweens.

2. tween 1: LyK oMg, I aM jUsT gOiNg ThRu TeH hArDeSt TiMe Of My LyF...i RaN oUt Of EyEsHaDoW!!!!
tween 2: OMG!!!! DO YOU NEED ME TO COME OVER FOR SUPPORT?!?!?!?!?!

My sweet baby girl turned 10 yesterday. This has been both an awesome thing, and a sad thing for me.

First, I think that it's awesome to see what an amazing person Cori is. She is kind, generous, loving, smart as a whip, and really has a good grasp on who she is and what she expects from life.
But secondly, I fear that she is headed into uncharted territory. To those scary and painful years of wanting acceptance from people who don't matter, and having to stand up for what you believe in. Friends, boys, clothes, hair... needing everything to be 'right'.
I really believe that her and I have done a lot of growing up together. Being the first child, she is the one who has suffered through most of my early parenting trials. My 'trial and error' period. Learning how to care for someone who you love so amazingly deep. Wanting to protect her from everyone and everything, yet learning that she needs to make her own decisions and find her own path.

She made me a Mom, which seemed so odd at first. I was not the girl who wanted to grow up and bake cookies and make babies. I didn't prefer to play house, or play with dolls. I wanted trucks, I picked fights, I liked getting dirty, I skipped school, and broke every rule I could think of.
Now I cannot imagine my life without her. She is part of me, and part of my soul. From the first time I saw her, I knew that we had been great friends before this life. She accepted who I was, and loved me in spite of all my flaws... and I knew that I would love her unconditionally for the rest of my existence.
She came to me so perfect. I have tried not to 'screw her up' too badly, and she has taught me so much as she's grown.
I love her smile. When she turns her head to the side, and squints her eyes. The endearing sound she makes when she hugs me. The mornings she has to have a second kiss before leaving for school. The fact that she HAS to be kissed and hugged while she is in her bed. (You cannot kiss her goodnight and then send her to bed. You have to 'tuck her in'... still at this age.) Her gratitude and ability to thank me for anything and everything. Her silly faces, and her sneaky faces. Her willingness to always help... and how she likes to sing to herself, loudly... when she thinks nobody's listening.
I cannot believe that she's 10 years old... and yet she's an old soul. I always joke that she is my mother, telling me when I'm doing something I shouldn't. Asking me to "think about" my behavior at times. And not in a sassy way... from a very loving and genuine place.
She has a sensitive heart, and I'll have a really hard time with anyone who breaks it. (Not to mention Mike will kill anyone who hurts his girls!)

I could never express in words how much I love her, and admire her. But enough about all the feelings and cheesy stuff...

We had a combined Birthday Party for both Cori and Addi on Sunday night. (Addi's Birthday is Thursday) I asked the girls what type of theme they wanted. They both agreed on a Valentine's Birthday. It was tons of fun decorating everything pink and red. We had finger foods, and heart-shaped desserts instead of traditional cake. And raspberry sherbet with Sprite instead of ice cream. All the foods were pink, red, white. Most of the family came, and it was a blast!
Addi was, of course, such a drama queen! At one point she opened a card with money in it (from Mr. & Mrs. Sweetie) and her eyes got huge! As she lifted each bill out of the card she said "A FIVE dollar", "ANOTHER five dollar" and as she lifted a twenty dollar bill she got short of breath, gasped and said "a... a... What kind of dollar is this?!!" Knowing it was more than she'd ever had (and maybe seen) before. She was too funny!
Cori got a bike this year. Her one request was that it wasn't pink. But the only bike the right size, with the right brakes (hand and coaster) that didn't shift gears, was... yep, pink. She said she could handle it... "as long as I don't have to wear a pink helmet!" She's my tomboy, and I relate so well to the way she thinks!
It was a great party, with great people!
The next day, was Cori's actual Birthday. She was so thrilled that she had to go to school AND choir on her Birthday. So she got up early, got ready and was gone!
For dinner last night we had her favorites! A breakfast dinner, with german pancakes and sausage. Even a gallon of chocolate milk.
She got to open a couple gifts (clothes) last night from the family. She said she had a great day, and I'm glad.
Love her!

The end of the Road

2010-01-10T15:28:00.005-07:00

"the winds of change" blew through me today. That little phrase brings back some awesome memories from Jr. High... how could you not love the Scorpions?

This post is more personal for me. I know with my blog being very public, I have to chose my words wisely. Since I haven't given myself time to process this change in my life, I need to be careful. I won't go into any of the outside elements, or people involved. The drama, the friendships, the confusion... but maybe the pain. I tend to write more harshly when I am hurting.

My Stake calling has been the absolute most saving factor for me spiritually. I admit that I may have relied on it too much, but after some difficult events, it really saved me.
I like to think that I gave it back as much as it gave me... but I'm afraid that might not be true.

My patriarchal blessing specifically discusses my role and calling with serving the youth. It's the "chicken and the egg" theory of "Do I love the youth more because of my blessing?" or "Is it because of my blessing that I am drawn to the youth of the church?" Regardless, I have always felt that it is where I belong.

I have had some wonderful experiences over the past 10 years. I have made friendships that will last forever, and I have felt the Lord's love for the youth of the church.

I have taken much of the blame for this in recent years. "Maybe if I were more righteous... "

I have really struggled with my current situation... finding my place here, feeling accepted, feeling fulfilled, and knowing I am doing what I should. My Stake calling has been a 'way out' if you will. Receiving my calling has fed my soul. It's healed many of the wounds I have received.

For whatever reason... probably my own inadequacies... I have had a real bumpy road. However, the past year for me I have felt "right". As if things were finally falling into place for me.

I think that the culture of my religion is a funny thing. We all believe the same things, and we all serve each other, but depending on who and where we are asked to serve... our faith can be shaken.

Sometimes it is the specific task we are asked to do, sometimes it's the time it requires from us, and sometimes it's who we are asked to serve with.

I think that the Lord has taught me many lessons through my church callings. Sometimes I have been uplifted and edified by my experiences, while other times I have been knocked down to the very foundation of my testimony. I can say that the past few years of my life I have learned the more difficult lessons.

It took a year for me to even have a place to belong here. Then I was twisted and tried in everything I put my heart into. Coming from a place where I was happy, fulfilled, and accepted... it has been quite a journey.

My journey came to an abrupt stop today. Being led to believe one thing, and being handed another thing. So, again I feel lost.

The only way to describe it would be "like the road I've been on has been closed" And it's not a detour, or an unexpected turn... because I don't have another direction to go. I'm just stopped. Like I'm totally packed, gassed up, loaded up on snacks, I've got my roadtrip songs playing... and I come to a closed road.

I'm not sure if that makes sense, or if that's the best way to describe it. I've been asked to go a different direction many times, and sometimes it is unexpected. But a change in direction is different than a stop. This is the only place I have been stopped, and more than once.

Not that long ago, I was told "There is no place for you right now". I have to say that those words echo in my head repeatedly. And while they didn't come from God himself, they did come from a man... I can't help but wonder why I've been put in this place. again.

Sadly, I'm not as strong as I think I am. I feel like it's a "two steps forward, one step back" progress... I'm hoping that that the slow progress will get me there... eventually.

I would like to say that "everything happens for a reason" is a logic I can fall back on, but not today. Maybe tomorrow... or maybe next week. But for now, I'm left with the "why?" And I'd like to think that stopping on my road doesn't have to be so bad. I'm afraid that the longer I stay in one place.... the more likely I am to pull out my trowel and bricks and build a big wall around me. It's what I do best, and it's what I tend to fall back on.

I guess all I can do is spend more time on my knees, not asking why... but asking God to PLEASE give me a road I belong on.

Nectar of the Gods

2010-01-09T12:17:00.004-07:00

I wouldn't want to use this as an opportunity to track my day-to-day tedious happenings... but I've been keeping a written journal, a 'food journal' if you will. I do have to admit that if this diet teaches me nothing else... I learned that my dependency on my glorious caffeinated beverage (diet Dr. Pepper) is much greater than I realized.
I had a conversation recently about my religious beliefs, and the issue of caffeinated/carbonated beverages. (I like the word 'beverage' a lot) How strange is it to learn of our beliefs for the first time. Now our belief in God, or Jesus, or even our living prophets. But how about the Word of Wisdom?
Why is it that we are instructed not to drink coffee or tea... but we are fee to have unlimited amounts of caffeinated soda? If you research the effects that soda has on the body, in comparison to tea, it is alarming.
I cannot claim to have all the information, and I'm not educated in any medical profession... but I can say that the information I have read really makes me wonder. If caffeinated soda had been a prevalent beverage a couple hundred years ago... would we be instructed not to drink it?
Now I'm not climbing on any high horse, and I'm not going to proclaim that I am never going to drink soda... because I will. In fact, I am counting down the days! Just some food for thought.
When I go off this crazy diet, I will love the indulgence of my 'liquid love', but I think I may go a bit easier on the gas station 'fill ups'. I am sad to admit that I was drinking at least two 44oz. drinks a day... that's 88oz. a day. And more than that on a bad day.
I recently found out that I shouldn't be drinking Green Tea. (yes, this is after having been drinking it for quite some time.... a few years!) I thought herbal tea... green tea... it doesn't get more herbal that 'green', right? Apparently not!
I can say that I was honestly surprised that while I should be drinking Green Tea... I can go drowned myself in Coke. Now I know that 'moderation in all things' could be the lesson here, but I still think that there is something fundamentally wrong with drinking Coke over Green Tea.
So as I was doubled over and nauseous from my severe headache last night, I felt a kind of 'punishment' for my decision making skills. And while I will continue to drink 'the nectar of the God's', I can say it won't surprise me if sometime in the future we are instructed to 'ween ourselves' off of the stuff.
Just saying.
(FYI- at the beginning of this diet you 'load', meaning eat all you can. Who gains 8 pounds in two days?... me. I'm hoping to just lose the weight I gained in those first two days... ridiculous!)

My little secret

2010-01-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

I guess this post is more of a confession. A confession of how desperate I am to get results.
I am one who has always ripped on the fad diets. It's ridiculous to me the types of things people do to lose weight. Well... I can now be included in the groups of ridiculous people. Desperate... that's the only word that comes to mind.
I'm not going to go into details on the actual diet plan. It's silly enough to think about, I'm not sure I want to be reminded of it for years and years. (and certainly not have my children read about how stupid I was)
I KNOW what I need to do to be healthy. I KNOW the information on dieting and exercise. I even can say that I have followed a healthy plan and it's worked for me. Weight Watchers was a good eating plan. In fact, when I'm finished with this little "kick in the butt" crazy plan... I will return to living the lifestyle I learned at Weight Watchers.
I know that nothing is "easy" and I certainly am not expecting this to be a "cure all" or be a long term solution. I guess I'm taking it as a "kick in the butt" to get me started.
I'm worried that depriving myself of my daily caffeinated beverage, and my chocolate fix will make me a horrible person to live with. I told Mike I was worried about being ornery. He agreed! For some reason I can say that I'm worried about that... but if he's think I'll be ornery, well I just think it's rude!
My sister is getting married in February. That means yet another picture on my mother's wall... to forever remind me that I'm the 'fatty' of my family. Ironically... the picture I looked the best in (and was at my lowest) was my sisters wedding... who has since been divorced and remarried. So in my vain and narcissistic thinking, I'm sad to know that particular picture is gone forever... and will never been seen again, or hang on my Mom's wall. Is it wrong to ask that she hang up a picture of her first wedding so people will know that I have been thinner? Ridiculous!
I have this sister's wedding in February, and then one more sister to be married. One last opportunity to have something hanging there I can look at without feeling terrible. I guess it's not entirely true... my own wedding picture is good. I looked good and didn't even know it. Truth be told, I didn't even think about my weight back then. I didn't want to fit into a certain size of dress, or try to lose any weight before I got married. I was just me, and I didn't have any issues with that. What should that tell me?
So that's my little secret. This weekend I will have joined the 'crazies' who I've always laughed at and made fun of. I can say that I think my attitude about it is fairly healthy. It's probably stupid to try, but I'm gonna give it a shot. You'd think after my 'Alli' experience I would have learned a lesson... but what can be worse that that? Maybe it's been too long for me to remember the promises I made to myself on the toilet... cussing at Wynonna and that stupid bottle of pills!
Worst case scenario? I don't lose any weight and waste a few weeks of my life not eating what I'd like to. I can think of worse.

Ready to pull my hair out

2010-01-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

Oh what to do.

My sweet Sofa-loaf has once again put me into new territory. She has decided that when she is mad at me... she'll pull her hair out.
It started about a month ago. I'm not talking about a few hairs either, I'm talking handfuls. We were at the older girls b-ball game and the Dad next to me saw the wad of hair on the floor and nudged me to look... he was concerned of course. I just smiled "yeah... it's my daughters. She's upset with me."
I can say that if Sophie's taught me one thing... it's to not care what other people think of me as a parent. I can no longer worry about it, I have enough to worry about with just getting her raised.
I'm not sure where it started, and I know it's got to really hurt her. She is getting a significant bald spot, and it's right on the front of her scalp.
Initially I made a big deal out of it. I was shocked and also concerned for her. She's always had such beautiful healthy hair. It's thick (thank goodness) and it's been long... really long until recent. She asked me to cut it, and in fear that she'd cut it herself, I obliged.
(When I was about 5, I wanted my hair short like a friend. At the time it was past the middle of my back, and my Mom loved it. I remember my Mom chuckling to her friend in her refusal to cut it. She said it was too beautiful to cut. I remember thinking "Fine! I'll do it myself" and about 5 minutes later I had found the sewing scissors, I went into the bathroom and cut off my ponytail right at the base. I then walked into my baby sisters room... I remember specifically a dark room, she must have been sleeping... and I cut all the curls off the back of her head. So maybe having Sophie is just payback for my own stubbornness?)
So, last month I cut Sophie's hair to just below her shoulders. She said that she liked it. But when Mike asked her why she's been pulling out her hair... she told him it was because she wants it cut short. I'm not sure if that's just an excuse or not.
So everyday when I do her hair, I feel the stubble of her expanding bald spot. I find chunks of hair in her bed... when she doesn't want to go to sleep. And I often find them stuck to her shirt.
So what are my options? I can't shave her head... and that's the only definite solution I can think of. I've tried pulling her hair back, but she'll still grab the front and rip it out.
I'm at the end of this particular rope. As she has so many times before... she's left me bewildered. What form of discipline do I use to not make it worse?
Although the picture of her included in the post would suggest otherwise, I've been trying really hard not to label her as difficult. I used to call her 'stinker', it was her nickname. She was truthfully my little stinker. When the other girls started calling her that, and acting like she was difficult, I stopped. I don't call her anything negative anymore... and I won't let her sisters either. I started calling her 'sweet' and 'cuddly' (even if she is the farthest thing from it) I can say that it's made a big difference. She is surprisingly more sweet when I call her that.
I'm afraid that calling her "my sweetie who-doesn't-pull-out-her-hair" is not the solution though. I've started acting like I don't care, and when I send her to her room... she just sits there and pulls it out until she gets out of time-out.
So now I AM READY TO PULL MY HAIR OUT! Maybe we can just be bald together.

2010... here we go!

2010-01-01T10:39:00.003-07:00

New Years Resolutions... hummmm...
For whatever reason, this past year of 2009 was not the best year for me. You would think it would be better than 2008, and in some ways it was... but I feel it was less productive of a year.
I hit my weight loss plateau, then over the course of the next 8 months continued to gain back 20 -25 pounds.
I cannot even begin to describe how difficult that is, and how angry it makes me. And while I the control over my losing and gaining, in so many ways it is still out-of-control.
I know what I have to do to change it, but I can only make it the focus of my life for so long. I feel like it has to consume me in order for me to change it. It's the first thing I think about it when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. It's a day-to-day constant. I guess I just don't think it's fair.
When I just live my life (and not what I consider too indulgent) I only get mad at myself when I look in the mirror after getting ready. Although lately, I can tell a difference when I'm getting dressed, and that's frustrating.
So the dilemma is... do I let it consume me again and drop the weight... or live my life and be a bit heavy? What's a girls to do?
In looking back over the year... it had it's high's and low's. It's fair share of family and personal drama. I stopped writing for a while, and that was difficult for me. I think I stopped writing my emotions and just ate them instead.
So enough on that... I'm starting a new year, which mean having new goals (or the same as before) but a new found commitment to better myself.

As my tradition, I am choosing to improve three areas of my life "in wisdom, stature, and in favour with God and man" (Luke 2:52) So here it goes...

To increase my wisdom:

1. Read. I started reading after Sophie was born, and I notice improvements in my vocabulary and my open-minded-ness (is that a word?) when I read more often.

2. Write. I really missed writing this past year, and I'm going to keep a better record of my year.

To increase stature (physical goals):

1. Learn to not just 'lose weight'... but maintain a healthy weight

2. love my body, and be happy with where I am... not always reaching for happiness in those next 10 pounds.

To increase favour with God (spiritual goals):

1. Increase my temple attendance (always at the top of my list... every year)

2. Increase my personal scripture studies

As I went through the goals I set for myself last year, it just reiterated the fact that 2009 was not the best year for me. But that's now in the past, and I have the opportunity to make 2010 the best year yet! I have to add my favorite quote... (which may just become the traditional quote to start each year)...

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I realize that I must be realistic in my goals, and my ability to achieve them. I feel like I can push forward with enough positive energy to accomplish anything I want. I always tell my girls... the beauty of life (and the country we live in) is that if you want it bad enough, and work hard enough, YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT!

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-30T10:01:00.001-07:00

So... last year I didn't even post about Christmas. I think the thought was too overwhelming... all the events, people, and pictures. So my solution? No pictures for now, I will post the highlights, and try not to leave anything or anyone out... but if I do... sorry!
This year for Christmas Eve/ Christmas morning we had Mike's entire family over.
This started with a transformation of my girls' bedrooms. I put down their bunk-beds, pushed them together, and put air-mattresses on top. I put sheets on the air-mattresses and called it good. I really wished we had at least one guest bedroom... but I'm not going to complain about having 'extra' bedrooms.. because I'm blessed to have the rooms we do for the kids.
So 'Mr. & Mrs. Sweetie' slept in the younger two's room, 'Mr. & Mrs. Red Bull' slept in the older girls' room, and 'Big's Momma' slept on the floor of the office. Big's Momma has a pretty serious boyfriend, so he came and went over the three days they were here.
We got together Christmas Eve night, and enjoyed some fabulous fondue... like The Melting Pot quality fondue. Who would have thought that pricey cheese and wine cooked in a pot could taste so divine?! They're onto something with that whole 'wine and cheese' thing!
We read Christmas stories and Luke 2. Mike's family has a tradition to read a certain Christmas story every year. It was a favorite of Mike's Mom. We also read the poem 'Christmas in Heaven' with made most of us cry... or at least tear up. Then Mike and his sis (Mrs. Red Bull) shared their feelings on the family getting together, and how close we have gotten over the past year.
Mike's parents passed away a few years ago, and we really drifted away from his siblings. It's funny how much parents hold a family together. Over the past year or two we grew much closer. Mr. Red Bull (our BIL) had a bad accident, and suffered a severe head injury. I think it took an event like that to make us realize how important Mike's family is to us.
I think that for a long time, we just didn't have a lot in common, and we felt very different. Sometimes we still feel a bit like the 'odd man out', but I think that our differences don't have to stand in the way of our relationships.
With that said...
We used to be closer to my side of the family... and over the past few years, we've drifted further and further away from them. I used to feel like my family was super close, and we were all so much alike. As the years pass, we become more and more different from each other. There have been some major events and hurtful things said that have put some major barriers between us. And as much as we try to pretend that they aren't there... it's that 'elephant in the room' type thing. I know that for me personally, I have had to put my guard up, and I have to walk on eggshells. It feels as if everyone is afraid of one anther's judgment... and nobody can accept help from each other, because that would be a sign of weakness. And none of us have weaknesses, because we are all perfect. And those dynamics don't make for very close relationships. We have to keep a certain distance to protect ourselves. Anyways... enough about all of that...
I couldn't help but think about how proud Mike's Mom would be to see all of us together like that. I can't image a better Christmas gift to her.
On Christmas Eve, all the kids slept together on the balcony. (This was a tradition from when I was little. My grandparents had a balcony and a huge Christmas tree. So we slept on the balcony overlooking the tree, hoping to catch a glimpse of Santa... after all, he was right under our noses!)
The kids woke up fairly late Christmas morning... like 8-ish. So we opened gifts and headed over the "Gee G-ma's" house for breakfast. This is a tradition of their family's... all the men make Christmas breakfast. So we saw some of Mike's extended family, and visited. Some of his family... namely one of his aunt's has really been awful towards us since Mike's Dad passed away. It's been super strange and awkward, so we had a good cue of when it was our time to go.
We headed over to see "G-Kit" but she would answer her phone... so we decided to try again the next day.
So we went to see Papa-Bear and Grandest-mah. Grandma Sha-la-la was there too... so that's was nice to squeeze her in. (in the mean time... Mike's family is just chillin' at our house... waiting for us to get home) So the girls opened aprons from Grandest-mah. Who, by the way, fits that perfect 'grandma' mold with homemade gifts every year, cookies all year round, and soft hugs and kind words every time you see her. I just love that lady! I hope to someday be just a smidgen of what she is.
It was strange to see my Mom alone on Christmas day. She dropped my sister off at her Dad's house, and went to my Grandparents house. But it never occured to me that in the not-so-distant-future she could be totally alone every other Christmas. That's terrible!
So back to the house. All the kids played with their toys... Mike and I spent the day opening those horrible boxes, trying to remove dolls and things tied to cardboard with those evil twisty ties. Argh! We were setting things up, I was trying to set up the Wii. (Yes, we finally joined the rest of the world and broke down into video game submission. There's a long story about that... but I'll have to save it for another post) After feeling like a complete loser, I got it set-up. My cute nephew thinks I'm an idiot... "Where am I supposed to plug the paddle in? There's only one port?"... "I need stickers or something so I can keep track of which paddle is #1, #2, etc."... needless to say he kept looking at me and saying "You can go get my Dad, he'll set it up in 5 minutes." No, no... I like to think I'm smarter that I look. I can set up a freakin' game!
Truthfully, I could have spent the entire day creating Wii characters. I would like to thank the creators of the Wii for pointing out the option to personalize my Mii in such detail. I mean, how would you know it was me if it weren't for my wide-set huge eyes, mole above my lip, and the extra 20 pounds on my frame. "Oh! Look... it's Mom!" Yup.
After an amazing Beef Wellington dinner and a crazy competitive game of 'spoons', everyone spent the night again.
The next day Mr. & Mrs. Red Bull went home fairly early, and Big's Momma followed shortly after. Then... drumroll please... I did something I had never done in my life. I sat down and played a video game for 8 hours straight! That's right, I went from never playing before, to becoming strangely addicted in a matter of minutes. Mr. & Mrs. Sweetie played Mario Bros. with Mike and I. All four of us playing at the same time. Trying not to die, while jumping on each others heads, waiting for each other, and our poor husbands dealing with our uncontrollable laughing and lack of 'Nintendo' knowledge.
It was so much fun, I would have never thought playing that game would be so fun. My stomach ached from laughing so hard!
They went home late that night, and we acknowledged our children once again. Actually it was perfect, they were so enthralled with their new toys, they didn't mind us leaving them to their playing all day.
It was a great Christmas! We've been nothing but lazy since. Pajamas all day long. Dinner for breakfast, and breakfast for dinner. Sweets and hot chocolate anytime day or night. And today... more snow. These are the things memories are made of!
I kind of look forward to a normal regimen next week, but I kinda don't! I'll miss having Mike home all day, and I'll have to count my points... get dressed, put on make-up... clean and cook. It was a great year, and I'm starting to think about New Years resolutions. But for today, I'll make cinnamon rolls with the girls and try to stay warm in my jammies and slippers. Merry Christmas!

Eyes Half Shut

2009-12-13T09:13:00.002-07:00

There are moments in my life when I get a good 'wake up call'. Oprah calls it an 'ah-hah moment' or 'light bulb moment'... however it's explained, it's the same.
I'm not sure how to express myself without sounding boastful or patronizing others. I can genuinely say that I have been extremely ignorant, and Christmas is always a time of year I realize just how ignorant I can be.
Now, more than any other time of year, people like to give. I can be pegged as that person who may not be the most giving, but when Christmas time rolls around I am much less selfish! I really do try to give, but honestly... it's not on my mind like it is at Christmas. Maybe it's the countless movies, programs, country songs, etc... reminding us of those in less fortunate circumstances than our own.
At Christmas, Mike and I try to give monetary gifts to people in need. We have always done it anonymously, and have tried to be discreet and generous. This year, we obviously know that with the economy in the toilet, people are in need more than ever. We were hoping to see if we could help someone nearby this year.
Last night, we became aware of a family who we could serve. I was taken back... and initially thought I heard wrong. It was someone I thought I was fairly close to, and had NO IDEA they were having tough times.
Later that same night, I came across a friends blog, to find her family was also in a tough spot. Again, NO IDEA.
I went to bed last night with many emotions... first, I have been walking around completely unaware of those around me. People I know are in need, and I have been oblivious. I'm not sure I could have changed any situations... but perhaps just understanding and being sensitive to certain things... little things. Second, I am not grateful enough for what I have been given. For things like food, clothes, and the ability to turn up the heat five degrees instead of putting on socks. I like to think I'm grateful for the extras... the spoils. But I'm not thankful for the basics.
And last (but not least) I need to be better at sharing what I have. I can't give everyone 'cold hard cash'... it would be great if that were possible, but I can't. I CAN however, invite people over for dinner, give people things I don't use or need, offer to drive places, have kids over to play and eat... so many things that seem irrelevant in my world.
Growing up, we had an opportunity to give to a family nearby. And while they only lived around the corner... I didn't know them. It was a 'sub for Santa' type thing, and it's the most specific childhood memory I have of Christmas. When I was older... like 13... we served Christmas diner at a homeless shelter in downtown LA. Again, a wonderful memory of true Christmas spirit.
Mike and I we both raised in families where we got to be the recipients of Church Welfare, and the generosity of others. Mike's family had a "Sub for Santa" year when Mike got a football, and it was all he wanted that year. The thoughtfulness of others is so important!
I know I'm still ignorant, and live in my own bubble... but my eyes have been opened a little more. I can say that I've learned, people around me need extra kindness and generosity.
I have always had a large general picture of "those in need" as it may encompass a group of strangers I don't know, or don't have faces for. And while I'll still try to keep others needs in mind... (people in other cities, states, and countries... strangers) this Christmas my heart has been turned to those close by.
I pray that my own children can understand the importance of kindness and charity. At a time of year when we celebrate the birth of our Savior... the ultimate gift given to us, I hope to better value the 'true love of Christ'. As the economy tanks, morals become corrupt, and we are facing confusing times... the things I can find comfort in are the blessings and promises I receive from my faith. I think that regardless of religion or belief... the belief in something greater than ourselves is incredibly powerful. Each of us have the ability to give, and ability to love. It doesn't matter if you call it compassionate service, 'Santa Claus', or karma... the gift of giving is in every human being. It just feels right, and it feels good!

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. -Winston Churchill

It feels right for me to write

2009-12-12T22:03:00.001-07:00

Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once.

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.
-William Shakespeare

(Warning: I've been really into quotes lately!)

There are many reason why I'm back, just as there are many reason why I stopped. I'm not going to attempt to explain all of them. But I will say this...

I write from my experiences and I write from my heart. I know I am not an expert. I write what I know and as I learn it. I say what I believe, even if it turns out what I have said is wrong. I truly feel that anybody who thinks less of me for writing what I think is reading for the wrong reasons.... and will find fault no matter what I do or say.

People blog for many different reasons, but the only frauds are people who try to misrepresent. I may 'put out there' things that are personal, even incriminating. But I can't pretend my life is something it's not. There are good days, and there are bad days. I can be terribly cynical, and I can be ready to conquer the world. (and sometimes within hours of each other) I'm not going to deny my failures or my shortcomings. After all... if it wasn't for them, I would never grow.

We all get things wrong. I make a lot of mistakes, probably more than most... and I make them daily. Yes, I write with confidence but that is because I write what's inside of me, or I write them as they are happening.

Of course there will always be people who attack me. That is their problem, not mine. My skin has hardened, and the sting has lessened. I think that as I write, it helps me release emotions, and I guess grow my own protection. I learned a lot about myself, and about some people around me.

As Sherian or Mrs. Smith... I can say that I don’t fear what other people will say or think, I will try to write honestly and courteously and I'll keep at it. There... there it is.

Fear of Failure

2009-12-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

Fitting that everything should fall apart just hours after my last post... and fitting that I should leave that post up for as long as possible! hee, hee

Sure enough, life is back to the day-to-day survival mode. It was great while it lasted, and I will say that remembering that phase is bittersweet. Only because I think that there has got to be way to get on top of things again, and also because I don't see how it was possible in the first place.

My food storage/saving money blog sucks! I had great intentions, and it seemed promising... but I'm thinking that I'm really not qualified to keep it up. I'd rather read other blog's, written by people who put forth much more effort than I can. Oh well! Another project half-a, and moved to the back burner.

Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside. -Pres. Ucthdorf

This was the counsel given to us as women in regards to 'creating' things. I've never had much of an issue with that desire to create. If I had my way... I would create something everyday. The counsel I need is... to finish what I start to create!

So I'm off...
To start a 'to-do' list I know I cannot finish. To try and get myself presentable. To find a reason to put off the laundry. To snuggle on the couch with my Sassy Pants. (I told her I loved her this morning... she said "I know!" with a deep sigh "you told-ed me three times today... now four.") To try and stay within my points... everyday is a new day. Thank goodness!!

Super Mom

2009-10-28T10:10:00.000-06:00

This is the time of year I dread. It gets harder, not easier... and each year I think I am prepared, mentally, to handle it.
I told Mr. Smith that this year I'm going tanning once or twice this winter... maybe once a week. When I was younger, my doctor talked about that. Now, I bet the risks of skin cancer are not worth an attempt to 'brighten my day' but if I get desperate... you'll find me frying like a fish in one of those beds!
I've also gone 'gung-ho' on getting my house in order. Sounds silly, but I didn't realize how 'out-of-order' things were until I buckled down and got down to the nitty gritty. (Boy! "gung-ho", "buckle down", and "nitty gritty"... this outta be good.)
I have been criticized for sharing my struggles with depression. But I think that part of overcoming and dealing with my battles is being real. Call me crazy... oh wait people already do... but at least I'm true to myself.
A few weeks ago I was going through a tough time, I knew that I had to change some things in order to bring myself back up. That's when I busted out my 'list making skills' and made a plan. I figured that worst case... I was still depressed, but at least I'd be depressed sitting in a clean house!
I also realized that maybe I need to expect more from myself. Not be harder on myself, but live to higher expectations. I KNOW the things I can do, when I put my mind to it. I just need to be my own cheerleader! As much as I want the approval of others at times... I need to give myself that boost of approval.
So everyday I have been doing a list of chores. Deep cleaning, organizing, and realizing areas that need improvement, as well as awesome things I take for granted. Simplifying.
I told Mr. Smith last night... I can see how women have mental breakdowns, how they just snap! I've never been wound-tight. If anything... I'm always trying to wind myself up a little more. I tend to get down, and while my high's are scary... I sure get a lot done!
But those 'Super Mom's' who do it all... I can totally see hwo they could lose it! I've tried to be 100% in all areas. Cooking dinner every night... ready by 6pm. Cleaning like crazy... I've had every piece of clothing washed and put away every Monday for three weeks. Losing weight... I've recorded everything I put in my mouth. I've read with my kids each night and put them to bed early. FHE, food storage, clipping coupons, exercising, kids homework, volunteering at school, Christmas shopping, doing a few crafts, planning/hosting social events for friends and family... seriously!? And now I'm writing... blogging that is. I even baked bread last week, I can hardly believe it myself!
No I'm not being boastful... although I should. I have to record these three weeks because I can honestly say that I have NEVER kept up on my responsibilities like this... that's right, 11 years and NEVER have I done this well. Maybe a day or two... but his is a record for me. My schedule has been pretty empty, so I've had the time to get it all in. Next week we have dentist appts, VIP's and I'm going on a mini-vaca... so things will fall apart soon.
I told Mr. Smith that I can see how women eventually get overwhelmed and 'burn-out' doing ALL of that. Then I told him that I'm really looking forward to a 'girls weekend' next week. He kind of frowned and said "I thought you were going to say that you didn't want to leave us next weekend." HA! HA! No way dude! I gotta get out of here for a day or two. Then I'll come back rejuvenated, and ready to take it all on again!
I think it was the kick-in-the-pants I needed to get me out of my funk. I desperately needed it before the weather hit. Now I'm ready to go into hiding. Start reading again. And get nice and fat on hot chocolate!
So I have found a warm and safe place, gathered my nuts, and I'm ready to hunker down this winter. Hey... I've even grown extra fur... for warmth that is. In a week I could be sitting in a messy house and watching some trashy daytime show... but I'll have this moment to look back on.

Basic Survival

2009-10-14T15:02:00.000-06:00

For FHE this week I did the lesson :)
Everyone in my family knows that I'm a bit crazy about food storage. I'm not sure what gives me away... the fact that I save receipts on which I save more than I save (usually Albertson's) and mount them like a 1st place ribbon... or that if something is on sale I manage to fill my shopping cart with it.... or that I shop with a 10 page list in my hand, excitedly crossing things off and making notes. Not to mention that I talk about it non-stop!
No really, it has been great to skip shopping for a few weeks and know that grabbing some things in the basement will give me what I need for a great meal. Besides milk, eggs, and a couple loaves of bread... I stretched my grocery shopping longer than I may ever have.
Anyways... I wanted to get preachy for a moment. (I won't make a habit of it!)
We have had lessons on Survival and Food Storage quite a bit lately. So when I got into it, I could see their eyes and minds drifting. We discussed our 72 hour kits and why we have food in the basement.
After an overview on why we need these things... we talked about our Spiritual Survival. Things we NEED to survive. I went into what our spirit might need in an emergency... and how we can store things for our spirit, in case something terrible happens.
So what terrible things can happen that would threaten the survival of our spirit? How about being abused by someone you love. The unwarranted death of a loved one. Divorce. Or simply going through hard times. Anything negative in which it seems easy to blame the Lord, or ask why me?
Life isn't fair. I think that I personally have been blessed with many great things in my life, but I have also gone through so many things of which I have felt I "didn't deserve". There have been times when my soul has gone through serious deprivation.

"Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled." -Matthew 5:6

When my body is deprived of food or water... there are obvious sights (and sounds) of issues. My stomach growls, I get weak or shaky, my pee is brown... you know... that good stuff. I will admit that there have been days, not many... obviously, when I have forgotten to eat. I'm doing my thing, and I all-of-a-sudden feel different. Then it dawns on me that I forgot to eat before I left the house.
I'm not good at reading the signs that my spirit is deprived. I forget to feed it. It kind of sneaks up on me. Too many times I have become weak without even realizing it. Then there have been times when I've really needed it, and I realize I'm not as well stocked as I thought I was.

"And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst" -John 6:35

In our crazy world, big things are changing. People are in heated debates over so many different topics. There are extremes on both sides of every debate. I think there are less fence-sitters, and things are becoming more black-and-white. I think that people in glass houses are throwing stones, and I feel that the difference of accepting and tolerating are both lacking the basics of respecting each other.
I will admit that it scares me a bit to think of the world my children will live in. But amongst all the 'craziness' (and I've come across some real extremes lately) we have to remember the things we DO have control over. We personally can't control much of what will shape our future... but we can control how we handle what happens, and managing the resources we have.
Both spiritually and physically, we can build what we need to survive tough times. "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear" Regardless of what we believe, none of us want to fear what's ahead.
President Benson talked about our food storage being as essential to us, in our day... as building an ark was to Noah. Whoa...
I can testify that making physical preparedness a priority in my life, has helped me to not fear. I realize that crazy things can still happen, and I can still go through really tough times in my future. But God has eased my fears. As soon as I committed to preparedness as a priority in my life, he has made things happen. I think he was waiting for me, probably anxiously, to just cross that line and dive in. Food storage scared me, it felt overwhelming, and I didn't think that financially we could do it. With the Lord's help... I can testify that all things are possible.
The obstacles from becoming better prepared spiritually are different for me. Sadly, they aren't necessarily HARD, I just need to make it a higher priority. In comparison to food storage... It starts small. I feel like I've got a ways to get my full one-year supply, but I maybe have more of 3 month supply. I know that some people haven't started... but it starts small. You might be surprised at what you can gather for... say a 72-hour kit. Do you believe in God? (matches) Do you know you are a child of God? (poncho...99 cents) Do you pray? (flashlight... maybe you just need new batteries?)
All I'm saying is that spiritual preparedness is just as important as physical preparedness. The thought of starving my body sounds miserable, but the consequence of starving my spirit is eternally fatal. I think about my children's dependence on what I can give them... both physically and spiritually. They rely on me to provide for them. (But that's a whole other post in and of itself.)
As Miss MaGoo said "If you starve to death, you can just die and go to heaven.... But if you starve your spirit... you won't be able to go to the Celestial Kingdom." I thought she said it best. Love her awesome spirit.
Whew! Just some food for thought... ha, no pun intended.

Wishes. Fishes. Cigars

2009-10-12T23:07:00.000-06:00

Since becoming anonymous I have a hard time following friends and family's blogs. Private blogs are the hardest, because any invitation I got was accepted by my old account. So I have to log into my old account to look at their blogs... bummer. And I removed my blogroll from my old blog before I transferred them all over... suck. How can you ask everyone to email you and invitation... again? And I know there are people I have forgotten to add to my blogroll... crap.
I have toyed with the idea of being a little more public about being private. Things are not so scary around here anymore... or maybe I'm just oblivious to situations around me. (Which is A-OKAY for me!) People have commented that they wish I still blogged, or miss me. I don't know what to say. I'm not one to lie... but what's the point of anonymous if you're not anonymous?
Argh... what to do!
I had thought I had good reasons to change things up. I will admit that feeling anonymous does seem more secure. I feel a little more free in writing, but I realize that using my blog as my personal therapy still comes at a price.
I miss posting cute pics of my kidlets. But I still take hundreds and enjoy the real-life moments.
I have commented on a few blogs, but it's weird. Probably more for them than for me! I assume that people close to me know me... or I leave an anonymous comment assuming that's okay. But anonymous comments freak people out. And you know what they say about when you assume... ass... you.. me. And unfortunately I did make an ass out of myself once already.
Here's the thing... In a perfect world this would be my situation...
The people who I love would know who Mr. and Mrs. Smith were. The people involved in my life lessons and experiences may happen to read, but not know who Mrs. Smith is. The people who have problems with me would just not read my blog. And any strangers or blog stalkers could read and not care either way. (and I would never feel vulnerable or violated)
If wishes were fishes! (Mr. Smith adds... "I'd smoke a cigar"... whatever that means!) If wishes were fishes I would own an aquarium.

Living in the Milky Way

2009-10-10T22:06:00.000-06:00

Life is like a box of chocolates... right?

I feel like I am constantly working on being less judgmental. Of others. Of myself.

I had pretty much made my mind up on what I thought of Miss MaGoo's teacher. Our first encounter wasn't the most positive experience... most likely for both of us.
Miss MaGoo shed some tears in the first few weeks of school. She was, well... quite intimidated and frankly scared of her teacher. This teacher is what I would call a 'barker'. In my opinion, that in-and-of-itself is not a bad thing. I think of myself as a 'barker'... meaning I tend to bark at my kids. I'm not a 'sweet talker' and I don't sugar-coat anything for anyone.
Miss MaGoo and I had some long talks about different forms of discipline, threats, and fear. Her 'ah-ha moment' was when she realized that going to the Principal's office wouldn't kill her... and then I said "Ya know what the absolute WORST thing they could do to you is?" Her eyes got real big and in a whisper-type voice she asked..."what?" I got close to her face and said "They will... CALL ME!" She giggled and smiled at me. Then she laughed "Well that's not scary!"... EXACTLY!
This teacher has been good for Miss MaGoo, and she needs to learn how to handle the different types of personalities of people she'll come across in life.

So when I went in for Parent/Teacher Conference, I thought I had this teacher nailed. She's very strict, blunt, and rules with fear. She's not the most tolerant or the most patient. When she started to compliment Miss MaGoo I was taken back a bit. Miss MaGoo is a sweetheart, no doubt about that! She is very kind and always thoughtful of others feelings. She's not in any way aggressive or brash. And while she cut our visit very short, she explained how disrespectful she thought it was to make people wait. She technically had 12 minutes with each parent, but said that she can't take more than 10. (5 with me... even though nobody was waiting)
I guess that I wasn't expecting this particular teacher to credit or notice the good in my daughter. Being as critical as she is, I had pegged her wrong.
My eyes were opened even wider when I spent the next day helping in the classroom.
While I sat in the back of the room renewing my fine motor skills (cutting and coloring) I listened to a rowdy and somewhat distracting bunch of kiddo's. Many thoughts ran through my head...

...how long it had been since I used scissors to cut out shapes... and how I was struggling

...how I had judged this teacher without knowing her day-to-day obstacles

She came back and visited with me few times. One of the times letting me know how much better she's been feeling lately. She has a blood disorder that makes her extremely irritable and gives her anger issues. "Uh... Okay." was all that came out of my mind, and mouth for the moment. (It was going to take me minute to process.) She said it just like that! She went on to inform me that on Labor Day weekend her husband told her she was too ornery and needed treatment. (which she does every 3 months or so) It made me laugh and my sarcastic comment was "That's always nice coming from your husband... even if it's true."
This woman shared only a small part of herself with me... but it was enough to teach me a good lesson.
We are not so different from one another.
My husband has to tell me when I'm headed downhill. Heaven knows it's not always received well, but I'm grateful he tells me.
Even knowing one or two of her struggles makes me realize that under her hard shell, she cares and loves... and really does her job well.
I don't know her personal battles, what she goes home to, what she has gone through in life, what she hopes and dreams about, or what she fears in life. I don't know what gave her a hard outer shell, but I know what gave me mine... and I don't think anyone wants to build up those walls. But I do know that she's a wife, a mother, a teacher, a woman, a daughter of God. After spending time her classroom, I know she loves what she does. I may not agree with everything she does, or how she does it... but who knows? Maybe she'll end up being one of my favorite teachers ever? One thing I do know...I'll always remember her as the teacher who taught me to give the benefit of the doubt.

Miss MaGoo is...well... goo. There's no shell around her softness. So as her and I encounter different teachers... some with nuts, some without. Some too sweet for my liking, some that annoy me and stick to my teeth. Dark chocolate, white chocolate... regardless. Under those hard shells is a soft nougat-type center. Remember the nougat.

Know a good Mechanic?

2009-10-08T09:43:00.000-06:00

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
-Anais Nin

This time of year is always hard for me. Aside from the changing season is another underlying problem. I'm not even sure what it really is or where it came from. I know this post will get a little dark, but writing is a good outlet for me. Battling bipolar disorder is not an easy fight to win. It may be disturbing to people, but voices and demons like to live in my head... it's just the way my brain works. The only way to try and explain it is that my brain likes to run at a very high speed. When it's firing on all pistols, there's not room for the bad things. But when my mind slows down... things creep in. As if I somehow picked up unwanted passengers in my backseat. I just have to find a stopping place to drop them off.

Depression is a funny battle. I think that often times I look for a reason of why I might be depressed... and there just isn't one. My cycles aren't super manic anymore... but they go something like this...

First I find myself being less productive. I socially distance myself from people. I start to become more negative and cynical about life. I then find myself being bothered easier, little things drive me crazy... and I don't have the patience to deal with certain things... or certain people who require more maintenance. Internally I start a battle... but outwardly I'm just sluggish. Pretty soon realize that I'm extra tired, and I have a harder time getting out of bed in the morning.

So this is my 'rut'. The funny thing is that sometimes I can get myself out of it pretty quickly, and other times... I can't. Sometimes I can trace it back to an event or experience, and sometimes... I can't. Sometimes I can explain it all, and sometimes... I can't.

It's frustrating because I feel like I really don't have any reason to be depressed. There isn't anything going on in my life to get me down. My kids are doing well, my husband has a job, we can pay the bills, nobody is ill... life is good. I know people who have every right to be depressed, and yet they are positive and moving forward. It feels as if my 'pedal's to the metal' but I can't seem to get over 25 miles per hour.

My level of functioning goes way down. I can only handle one or maybe two things at a time, instead of the normal ten or more things Mom's juggle at once. I've slowly been letting go of things. My housework... making dinner... working (only once a week)... blogging... and many more little things.

I used to get so bad I would let go of showering and eating. Then the car completely stops. Those days don't happen anymore! I can usually recognize the slowing and push myself to 'pick up the pace'! Like a Flintstones car... even if I'm push with my feet... I've got to keep moving! Thanks to modern technology, and fantastic doctors, my 'rut' doesn't get too scary. When things get darker, I'll look back and remember when life used to get really, really dark. Then I don't feel too bad.

But the issue remains... how do I get out?

There are many things I do to try and push myself. I'll exersice...or make myself a daily schedule to organize my life. I'll start a new project. Clean my house. Cook or bake something. Re-arrange all my furniture. Read the scriptures or Ensign articles. Spend too much money on new shoes or something in my house to look at. (Spending money is a type of drug... but that's a whole other issue!) I've tried all of these... and nothing has given my the 'jump start' I need.

Ironically... I ran out of gas yesterday... literally, I ran out of gas in my car. I'm in charge of driving the carpool this week and I couldn't get the kids to school. Sadly, it made me think about being smarter about keeping my tank full. And mentally trying to keep my tank full.

Today is a good day. I love to see the sunshine and even if the air is cold... the sun is shining. I would love to say that today I will conquer the world and get a lot done. But I'll take it one hour at a time...

...try and stay off the couch and away from my warm cozy bed...
...drink some serious caffeine and remember my medications...
...keep my mind on the thinks I am grateful for...
...smile at my children...

...and I'll do better than I did yesterday.