My Little World

November...

2006-11-06T00:28:00.000-08:00

Wow, I am getting to only a post a month?

I am getting pretty anxious with getting ready to start fertility treatments again. K is going in for his second interview Monday and I am praying soo very hard for him to get this job. We could get 90% fertility coverage, what a blessing!

I have two friends that recently had baby girls. They both have had multiple miscarriages and so "deserve" these precious babies. But it reminds me again of what I should have. I should have Neve here. She would be 3 months old. The whole "why not me" comes into my mind. Why couldn't I have been the one that had a miscarriage but then go on to having a baby. Why am I having to wait so long for K to get a good job with benefits. Why can't I be someone that just gets pregnant and STAYS pregnant.

I feel a prisoner in my own body. Trapping me in this life where I can not do what I want.

I have been rebelling since we lost our last baby in May. I stopped taking my vitamins, baby aspirin and other daily meds. It feels like freedom. Not being a slave to these many pills. It is so hard to describe. I also feel like if I can't do fertility treatments then I am not going to go through the motions that I do when I am doing the shots and ultrasounds. Maybe it's that it reminds me of what I can't do right now. That must be it.

With that not taking or remembering to take meds, I also keep forgetting to take my anti-depressants. Maybe that is why I am crying now.

I go through these episodes where I am so emotional and depressed and then I realize that I haven't taken the Zoloft for a week! DUH! That is one pill I need to take.

October..

2006-10-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

This year has gone by fast and slow. I have been crying a lot lately, and I am not really sure why. One reason might be that I am forgetting to take my anti-depressant. So they really work? Another is that we still don't have health insurance, so we can't start trying again. Another might be that we moved into a new house and K is still looking for a good job. I want to decorate the house and make it feel like a home. I am so grateful to live here but we are paying more and making so much less money.

We are living in this house because my parents moved to another state and they had JUST bought this house. They needed to sell it but couldn't without a losing 7,000 or more. So we agreed to rent it from them until they could sell it next year to us. It totally helped them out and we are now living above ground instead of our basement apartment.

I have been getting a lot of people asking if we are going to try again. Like we gave up or are just to busy to try. Or that we aren't interested in having a baby anymore. I just smile and say, "when we get health insurance we will start again". It hurts to be stuck here, in limbo. Waiting for something I can't make happen. I have been nagging K about getting a job lately. I just feel so utterly helpless and desperate. It feels like a lifetime ago that we were going to the Dr to get ultrasounds and taking fertility drugs. But it was only April. That isn't that long ago right?

When we moved I also took over my mom's business. Taking care of people's pets when they are out of town, or walking their dog when they are at work, Pet Sitting. It is a fun job. I also agreed to do it because when we start trying again it is a flexible enough job that I can do it and go to the millions of doctor's appointments. The only hitch is when I am pregnant, I won't be able to do the litter boxes of the kitties. Since that is a big NO-NO! I told my mom about that and she said, "oh it will be fine, just wear a mask." Lovely that my own mom that knows now of my 3 miscarriages doesn't think that possible birth defects are a concern! She is also the lady that didn't think twice of taking my baby cousin ( a few months ago) in her baby car seat carrier on a ride in the car in the FRONT seat! She wrapped the seat belt all weird around the car seat and buckled her in. My aunt was SHOCKED and HORRIFIED to see her infant in the front seat. Another reason why my mom will never babysit our kids. She doesn't take safety seriously.

Why am I so negative? I want something good to happen sooo very bad. I hate being depressed like this. One happy thing is that my parents left their pets with us. The house they are renting doesn't accept pets. So we are foster parents to a cat, Oreo and a mini schnauzer, Elliott. They are so fun. I now know why infertile couples get "fur babies"!! They make you feel like you are needed and you have a lot of the same responsiblities as parents. K has even been calling me "mommy" to the pets.

I am going to try to post more often. Just don't be disappointed if it's still depressing...

Her Due Date

2006-08-12T22:17:00.000-07:00

Today is a two in one. A year ago we found out we were pregnant with twins. It was a happy and special day. Seeing two babies on the ultrasound. I was overjoyed to know my first pregnancy would be twins. We felt they were boy/girl twins.
Today is also Neve's due date. The day we got our positive pregnancy test was the first snow, and we were ecstatic! K wrote her name in the snow. We thought we were having a girl and Neve means snow in Portuguese. I have always loved the "first snow". It is magical to me. When I calculated when I would be due with her, I was comforted to know it would be the same day that we found out that we were expecting twins. It felt like a comforting gift from God. Now, I don't know what to think. When we lost her, we found out through testing that she was indeed a girl. It was bittersweet. Feeling comforted to know that I was pregnant with our little girl and also sad knowing what we had lost. This day is especially difficult because we are not able to "try" right now. It is so much easier to suffer through an anniversary when I am actively trying to achieve pregnancy.

I watched a friend's baby for a few days and he went home last night. He was 8 months old and we had him overnight for two nights. It was so sweet to have this baby sleeping in our nursery. But it was also so heartbreaking. K and I would quietly open the door and peek at him sleeping. I thought about how we should be peeking to see our little girl. Dressed in pink pajamas and softly sleeping. It makes my heart feel so hollow. I wonder what she would have looked like. Would she be my baby with red hair and soft curls that I have dreamed of having since I was 9 years old? Would it be more painful to see what she would have looked like? I don't know. But not knowing what our four little babies would have looked like makes me cry, like right now. 4 babies! I can't even fathom it and yet it has happened to me. I remember thinking during my first pregnancy, "what if I lost them?" I remember thinking, "that would kill me, I couldn't handle that!". I have found out that we can handle way more than we can even imagine. Because I would have never imagined a year after I first found out we were expecting twins that I would be sitting here crying over losing 3 pregnancies.

My mom doesn't even know about the last baby we lost. I now know who I can go to in my life that will say the right things and those that say the wrong things. I have become closer to some friends and more distant to others. This last year has forever changed me. And it is up to me to use these experiences as growing, learning and positive experiences. That is a huge challenge. To move forward from the pain and tears and find a reason to smile each day.

A year ago..

2006-08-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

A year ago today, was the happiest I can remember for a very long time. August 1st was the day we got our first positive pregnancy test! So very much has happened since then. Why do I still not have my babies? I remember going to get my blood drawn to confirm the pee stick test. I remember greeting my sister with joy as I told her that I was pregnant. We jumped up and down and squealed with excitement. I called tons of relatives and was able to share the news. I was finally pregnant. I look back at those photos from that day and smile a wistful and pained smile. I am so hurt that those memories are tainted with what happened a month later. We told many relatives during a family reunion a few days later with shirts that we made. We put our titles on them, Mommy, Daddy, Aunt, Grandma and so on. I remember telling them, "and it could be twins!" Knowing that I had two eggs, so I *could* be pregnant with twins. Only to find out 11 days later, yes, you are having twins! I took 3 days to get over the shock of that news. But then I was hooked, I was going to be a twin mommy and loved the idea. I read all kinds of information about having twins. I searched online for twin baby gear. A double stroller was my obsession. I was constantly looking for an affordable. One that had two baby car carriers. I would rub my tummy, smile and get so excited and say over and over in my head, I AM PREGNANT! It was so fascinating to me.

I feel like such a failure that the only reason why I am here a year later with no babies, is because of this rare disease that clots my blood. I was googling it today. In search for a support group of women that have Antiphospholipid Antibodies, and within that group, someone who is also allergic to Heparin. My doctor and nurses are content with trying out another drug that is close to $5,000 a month and just "see" if I have an allergic reaction. And if I do, then we are back to square one. And I will be pregnant needing immediate treatment, and "trying out" different options. This scares me so much, terrifies me. Risking another miscarriage. I don't want to be a 4 time miscarriage "survivor". I want my doctor to consult with other experts and find a better option. I don't want to risk more loss. I have enough going against me, I don't need to add more risk because my doctor doesn't want to research alternative treatments.

My mom just came over and brought me flowers. My brother and probably sister told her that I was having a rough time. Of course it made me cry. With our $ flow practically becoming a drip, and just being depressed that I have lost 4 babies in the last 11 months, I am depressed. I am not taking any antidepressants because we don't have insurance and can not afford them. But we also can not afford me not working. I am so conflicted.

And it just hurts that as I stand there with those sympathy flowers in my hand she tells me to stop talking about sad things. And she even said "I have been where you are". No. You. Have. Not.

If you have not experienced a miscarriage, let alone three, do not tell someone you know how they feel or have been where they are. Please.

I want my life back, I don't want to obsess that our freezer is becoming empty and our food storage is being raided daily. And that we are going to be out of money in a week. Or that my future *due date* is being pushed back further and further.

I want to obsess about my baby. Is she eating enough, is she growing right, is she sleeping right. All those mommy things.

But until then, I will try to hold it together.

1 in 7,000 chance...

2006-06-08T23:27:00.000-07:00

Looks like I have a 1 in 7,000 chance of being allergic to Heparin. I know that those aren't staggering odds. 7,000 isn't like 1 in a million. But when you stop to consider the odds of not being able to ovulate, odds of having a blood clotting disorder and then add the odds of being allergic to Heparin, it seems like I am 1 in a million!

And the signs are pointing that I am allergic to Heparin. This is the drug that I have to inject 2 times a day for 40 weeks while I am pregnant, in order to STAY pregnant. I am getting horrible itchy patches at the injection site. I have had a few manic itchy moments where I am scratching with a frenzy and then hurry to put a cold washcloth on it. Makes me stop scratching for a bit! Last month I got the rashes too, but they thought it was a allergic reaction to the tiny round bandaids we used at each injection. So I stopped using them, and it slowly got better (but I was no longer pregnant, and no longer taking heparin). Then I started a new cycle and at ovulation I started the heparin again. And about 4 days later I got a new HUGE rash.

Enter me not happy.

Why must each new chapter of this be so hard? A few years ago I didn't know if I would EVER be able to become pregnant. I thought, this is my great challenge in life, trying to conceive. I really thought that. Why would I think otherwise. I didn't know of anyone that had tried for 3 years to become pregnant only to lose 3 pregnancies and 4 babies in 9 months. I am not trying to sound whiney, I just didn't fathom this course of events. So I took this new challenge and I am not letting it beat me. But there are many times I get mad at life. WHY ME? And why so many different things at once and all piled on top of each other?

I do need to be grateful that I am coping. I tell people that my strength is NOT my own. I feel as if God gives me that little bit of comfort I need to push forward. I am still depressed, but I can function, for the most part. I go to work, my house is mostly clean, I take a bath every day, I cook, I smile at friends and family, I went to a wedding. All those normal things I can still do. But sometimes I want a big prize, a big medal, for doing the normal stuff. I say to Kelly, "LOOK at me, I think I could be A LOT worse off!" Like becoming a hermit, it is very tempting at times. Those times when my tears are just a breath away.

I took the girl I babysit to the pet store today. And as we were getting out of the car, there was a mini van next to us. They unloaded twin girls, less than 3 years old, and a younger sister that was 1 year old. And I wanted to tell the mom that we have a twin connection. Like when you meet someone with your same last name, or they know someone you know. But how do you tell someone, "I was pregnant with twins, but they died...they would be about 3 months old now" So as we went around the store looking at the same things and then leaving the store at the same time, I was sad in my heart. I can't share my babies with anyone. Can't tote around a double stroller and have people say, "Oh, look, it's twins!" And their only photos are ultrasounds of tiny blobs that are just depressing now.

I guess this post is depressing too! But this is how I am feeling tonight. And in many ways I feel like I have "earned" the right to be sad and gloomy. Just call me Eeyore....

One more angel in heaven....

2006-05-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

I don't really know how to start this. We got pregnant again and found out on Cinco de Mayo, the 5th of May. We went in that day for a blood test and we were excited and hopeful for about 8 hours, and then we got the numbers for the test. The number that tells you"how" pregnant you are. The last 2 times my first number was 45 and 56. This time it was 7, seven! And six is pregnant. The nurse was not positive about it and we were devastated once again. But friends told me, you might have just implanted late or ovulated later. Both Doctors were positive and encouraging, saying that it was okay and that is where they thought the numbers should be. So we were once again waiting to find out if our baby was going to live or die. I had to wait six days. Praying that this one will be the baby that makes it. I was taking the blood thinner and the progesterone and doing everything that is possible to save the baby. On May 11th, I had another blood test and it showed the pregnancy was over, the number went down. So I stopped taking the extra medicine and waited for the miscarriage to happen. I lost our 4th baby over Mother's Day weekend. Cruel irony. I feel like by the time we actually have our baby, all of the holidays are going to be changed by sad memories.

It is hard when people happily ask, "so how are you?" because they don't know what is happening in our lives. I want to say, "horrible, we just lost our 4th baby! I may cry at any given moment, so don't feel funny if I do. I am being pumped once again with fertility drugs and still grieving my baby." But I don't say that, I just say, "pretty good". I feel like I am denying my pain and also not repecting our lost babies. It's such a inner conflict. Not wanting to have to share our most personal pain, but also wanting friends and family to know that we are suffering and that is why we may not seem ourselves. And for the ones that don't know about our last two losses, I want them to know I am not just depressed about the twins and that we aren't trying again. But if we tell them then they may ask in a few weeks if we are pregnant, and I will have to lie to their face! I want to share our joy, but the fear of it happening for the 4th time is a reason to wait.

Last night we had an ultrasound and the Dr found 3 follicles! I have always had 2 follicles so this was really exciting, just feeling like our chances are that much greater! How awesome. So now begins the 2 week wait. We both feel like this month and this pregnancy will be the one that will lead to our baby. This also is such a weird feeling, I lost our last baby 2 weeks ago and now in 2 weeks I will probably be pregnant again?! When people say this is a roller coaster, they aren't kidding.

My thoughts, but someone elses words

2006-05-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

I have found a large group of bloggers that have also lost babies. Today one of these fellow bloggers posted this beautiful and accurate discription of grief. I thought I would share her words.

Grief is like a well, a well that is so deep you can't even comprehend if or where it might end. You spend a lot of time in it, and eventually make your way to the top, where you hang out, sometimes inside, sometimes partly outside. Sometimes you are sitting on the edge, dangling your feet over the side. Very occasionally you leave altogether and the well just sits at the end of the garden; you always come back to it. Often you come back involuntarily, an incident or image or person drags you back, sometimes even lifts you bodily and throws you down deep. If you are lucky you remember where the footholds are, and where the chinks that your fingers fit in are and you can get yourself out a bit faster and with fewer cuts and bruises than last time. Sometimes you take yourself down to the end of the garden and flirt with the well. You dip a toe in, or lie on your stomach at the edge and peer down. You might throw stones down it, to see how deep it is. Occasionally you throw caution to the wind and step in, hurtling yourself down; afterwards you wonder why you are so cruel to yourself but you also recognize the rewards of remembering. You know that you can't have the memories without the well, so you accept it and even start to incorporate it into the larger landscape of the garden. You plant around it in ways that draw subtle attention to it, it becomes a place you don't avoid but you also don't approach it without awareness. Other people comment on the beauty of your garden, and the worthwhile ones include the well in their assesment. The well is part of your landscape, and you learn to live with it somewhat gracefully, sometimes even proudly; it is no longer deep enough to swallow all of your joy.

only a week left...

2006-04-26T22:26:00.000-07:00

I only have a week left to wait to see if this cycle worked! I am so excited, worried, scared, thrilled, everything! I started the blood thinner Heparin on Saturday. Two shots a day. Which has turned into TWO BIG BRUISES A DAY! I took a pic of my stomach, yes my big tummy. But I couldn't believe how all of those bruises looked together! And to think this will last for NINE MONTHS! I guess you can know how commited I am to having a baby. A baby of mine. That is what gets me through all of this.

And my HUGE acomplishment today,
I gave myself MY SHOT TODAY!!!!!!!!
I have been avoiding doing this since what, June of last year? I finally decided that I needed to be able to give myself a shot if need be. Since I am doing it twice a day, and there may be a time where K is not around. So I did it! I made K leave the room and go into the office. So I sat there contemplating doing it, and then just poked MY SKIN with a NEEDLE! It is so weird! It actually didn't hurt that bad! And K confessed to sneaking a peek while I gave myself the shot! Stinker! He was proud of me. I am proud of myself too.

I have more do write about the past 4 months, but I need to go to bed. I have to be at a house at 5 AM to babysit!! YIKES! So I need to wake up at 4 AM??? Some nights that is just 2 hours after I have gone to bed! So, Good Night.

life

2006-04-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

For those who don't know I was pregnant again for the second time during December and January. I went in on Saturday the 14th for an ultrasound and there wasn't a heartbeat. I was so empty. I was so mad and felt so abandoned by God. How could he do this to us, again!? Why? It still makes me cry just thinking about it. I am going to post more in the coming days about everything.

The two posts below were written with a plan to post them when we were 12 weeks pregnant and share the news. So I decided to post them anyway. We went through some amazing things with that pregnancy.

We are trying again this month. Actually in a few days the Doc will give me a shot to ovulate, again... and pray in two weeks that we will be pregnant, again. The third time in 7 months. Never thought I would say/write those words.

So stay tuned....

Our After Christmas Miracle!

2006-04-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

This was also written awhile ago, on January 10th. Just 6 days before.....
I need to write this down so I don't forget the details. I will never forget the moment, but the details, I probably would.

So Kelly and I went to have our first ultrasound on December 20th and we saw that we had a little baby in there. There wasn't a heartbeat but the tech said that it was okay. There would be one next week. So we were to come in 6 days later and have another ultrasound on the Day after Christmas. I asked my sister to come along, and she of couse said, "YES!". So we had Dr. O do the ultrasound and he didn't see a heartbeat. He was very concerned since I was 7 weeks and there needed to be a heartbeat by then. So he told me that we needed to talk to the other doctor. We talked to Dr. P and he told us that he wanted to do tests on me before we got pregnant again. That we needed to see why my babies kept dying at the same age. He wanted to biopsy my uterus. And test for a blood clotting disorder. I was so upset, disappointed, angry, sad, desperate and so many other emotions. I felt like this was going to be too much for me to handle. I didn't want to have to wait 4 more months to get pregnant. I didn't want to loose another baby. Kelly and I both didn't understand why God would let this happen again. I cried a lot and prayed even more. We asked the sister missionaries (that I have become friends with) to pray for us and waited for the next ultrasound. My blood test taken that day didn't look good either, the levels didn't go as high as they needed to. I was so upset, this ruined Christmas for me. And my biggest fear of trying to get pregnant during the holidays was coming true. We were going to loose another baby around a holiday. I had several I was worried about, Thanksgiving, Kelly's birthday, Christmas, New Year's Eve and my 30th birthday. I wanted to have ALL of the Christmas decorations put away. I didn't want them to remind me next year what happened. So I spent two days in the recliner just crying and not leaving the house. We were to go in on Wednesday to confirm that there wasn't any growth. Kelly and I sat in that same room that we were in 4 months ago and were told the horrible news that are twins had died, and felt that it was going to happen again. We had to wait for about 20 minutes for the Dr. P to come in and while we waited we prayed. Prayed for a miracle and I prayed that we would hear the heartbeat and that we could keep this baby we wanted so badly.

The Doctor came in and started the ultrasound and when we saw the baby, I noticed that it looked different and maybe even bigger? Then we saw the flicker of the heartbeat. The beautiful sight that I had seen twice before with the twins. So then the Doctor turned on the sound and we heard the tiny, tiny heart beating loud and strong. It was amazing! We both started crying and just loving the sound of our baby's heartbeat filling the room. The Doctor was very happy for us. Then when he was done measuring he said, that the baby was a week behind in size. He looked at the calendar and the tests and said that it looks like I ovulated a week later than I was supposed to. It is odd since they gave me a shot to induce ovulation and it takes 24-48 hours to work. I guess my body made up it's own mind! There are other factors that go into making a baby and I just can't figure out how I am pregant if the little eggs were there a WEEK late!! :) So we are in the strong belief that this is truly a MIRACLE!

An Update.

2006-04-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

I wrote this on December 22nd.
"I decided to write some posts while I am waiting for the 6 weeks to pass before we can tell everyone about this little baby that is growing.

So I took a pregnancy test on November 30th and it was FAINTLY POSITIVE! I was so excited and nervous at the same time. So the next day was December 1st and it snowed for the first time this winter. It was so magical and a wonderful sign to me. K's car had broke down on the way to work and I had to go pick him up. So then we went to get a blood test to see if I really was pregnant. We went to Denny's to eat and spent the day together. We called a few hours later and it was confirmed! I am pregnant!! The due date is August 12th!! That seems pretty far away at this point. A few seasons need to pass for it to be August!!

As I am writing this, it is K's last day at work. He is getting laid off. Luckily we can use some government programs for pregnant people and still be covered medically during the pregnancy. What a relief!

So I am now 6 weeks 5 days and trying to stay hopeful. Everything at this point is good and my levels are over 9 thousand! I am still so sad about losing the twins but I am trying to enjoy this pregnancy. This baby deserves a mommy that enjoys the beginning of her life. Did you see that, I said her! I will be happy and overjoyed with a boy or a girl. I just want to be a mommy.

So I am going to update this secretly and post when it's time."

Happy New Year!

2006-01-10T00:56:00.000-08:00

I have been so bad about posting. Mostly because we have been busy. We celebrated the New Year's at my Uncle's home. They have a newborn that was only 3 weeks old that I got to cuddle with. K even fed her a bottle. It was so cute. Another Uncle and his family drove down from Seattle and my parents and siblings came too. It was a fun night. We played games and ate a bunch of snacks and appetizers. It was sad to see Dick Clark not able to be himself after his stroke last year. It was nice to see that he had come so far in his recovery though. This was the first year since we have lived back home that I didn't have the party at my house. It was actually nice! We didn't have to prepare our house all day, decorate and set up tables and everything. The best part is that we didn't have to CLEAN UP after all the confetti and food!! Our kitchen usually is a disaster after New Year's!

It is nice having K home all day every day. We have been working on home projects that we just never had time for before. I have a list of projects that we need to get done and it will be SO NICE to have him help me!

I started babysitting again at the beginning of the year. I am watching two five year olds. A boy and a girl. The girl is the one I used to watch and the boy is a family friend. I watch them after preschool gets out before one of the mom's gets home from work. It's from 11:30 to 2:30. So it's not too long but the $$ is going to help out a little since K's unemployment checks are not going to be close to what he was getting when he was working. Plus these kids are so fun to watch. They get along great and no stinky diapers to change!!

awww, man!

2005-12-22T09:23:00.000-08:00

Well I really don't know who still reads this. So you might already know everything I will write on this blog.

Anywho, K is getting laid off. And his last day is TODAY! Awww, man! The president of his company offered him a job in Oregon. The bad part is it is a HUGE pay cut! $14,000! YIKES! So needless to say we are not taking it. But we are going to Oregon on January 2nd and "give it a try". But we are mostly going to check out the area, rentals and doctors and see if they offered K a better job, would we really like to move there. It's difficult to be going through this lay off during the holidays. We went through this 2 years ago and I was a wreck for a few weeks. This time around I feel like we will be blessed and that it will all work out. It's all about faith. And I am working on it.

K has bronchitis and I am just a little sick with a cold. Thankfully I haven't gotten worse. K finally went to the doctor and got a prescription cough medicine. I am glad that he has been feeling better the last few days. He was a little delirious one night when he had a high fever.

In spite of the lay off I am trying to help us have a fun Christmas. It has been a busy month, like it always is. The first weekend was my crop at my home. The other two weekends this month were K's birthday, a work Christmas party and the church Christmas party that I was in charge of. I only have a few days until Christmas and need to make some FUN! Any ideas?? I wanted to bake some cookies and give them to the neighbors. But since we are both sick I didn't think that would actually be a good thing. So I am still thinking.....

Merry Christmas everyone!!

another day

2005-11-09T16:00:00.000-08:00

well, i started the clomid and i am cautiously optomistic about this cycle. i am having a hard time finding how much information to give here and to people in real life.

i am having another crop this weekend. it should be fun. i love having these in my home and making a little money on the side. i want to have fun with friends and just scrapbook. i need to make some more mix cds for the crops, the ones i have are old. old i tell you!

so things are pretty good here. praying that k doesn't get laid off. hanford stinks! they are laying off hundreds of people in the next few weeks.

i have been cleaning my carpets the last few days. i borrowed a carpet cleaner from my aunt and i am so grateful. i have so much carpet and i am taking on a new room each day. I just need k to help me move the furniture! its so nice to have a cleaner house. it is pretty scary though how much dirt is in the water from the carpet cleaner! i vacuum all the time but it must be more dirty than i thought! yikes!

well, i will keep you all updated on my life, just don't be sad if I don't tell you about the baby stuff. we are going to wait to tell everyone until we are 12 weeks along. so that is basically the end of january! i am way too impatient. so if i spill the beans here, keep it to yourself! seriously!

a BIG blessing!

2005-10-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we left the house for a Dr. appt at 8:45 am. When we got done with the appt we went to Target. We got some stuff for the Trunk or Treat that is tonight. After Target we ate some lunch and ran to Dr. O's office to make our monthly payment. Both doctors were in the office and I was able to talk to them. We told them that we think we need to skip this month because we didn't have the money to pay for the drugs today. Over $350! Just for the drugs for one month. So we asked if they had any of the drugs in the office, like they had the first month. The Dr said that he was ordering drugs that day and could add our drugs to the order! What a blessing! K and I were thinking that we might need to skip November and even December. Skip the added stress of the cycles during the holdays and save money for a January cycle. So after we left the Dr we went to a bead store to find a few beads for a project. Then we went back to a nearby city and checked out the other bead store. Then we went to babysit 5 kids for 3 hours. It was pretty fun. My favorite little 5 year old girl was there and she is the cutest thing ever! I hope I have a little girl like her. So precious!

After we left their house at 6pm we went to Majors for dinner. Then we drove to our Super Wal-Mart to get our groceries for the next week. I am back in the menu saddle again. I have menus planned until January and shopping lists for each week until then also. It is so nice to not have to figure out what to plan each week. So by the time we got done at Wal-Mart it was 9 pm! So we had been away from the house all day!

Today I have the Trunk or Treat that I planned. We don't have any costumes this year. We thought we would save the money and headache of trying to figure out costumes.

Later!

It's almost HALLOWEEN!

2005-10-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

I love all holidays and Halloween is so fun for me. I have fun Halloween and fall decorations, some that I have made and others that I have bought over the years. I am in charge of the Halloween party for my church and it should go well. I don't have a committee anymore so it will be interesting to see how the participation of people that I have asked to help is.

If you are wondering why I have this photo of the Celtic necklace, it is a teaser for my sister J. K made this for her and I need to mail it to her! Sorry J! I have a hard time going to the post office. I will send it, soon!

On Halloween night I am going to have family and maybe some friends over for a Fall Buffet. Hot apple cider, pizza dip with sourdough bread, cupcakes to decorate, cheesy dip with tortilla chips and some other tasty treats. I love entertaining and planning the food and decorations. It lets me be creative and have fun!

I have been calling the ladies that entered into a drawing that I had at a Women's Expo in town last weekend. I have over a hundred to call. So last night we went to buy a new phone (the two phones we have pick up an AM radio station) and a new headset (the old headset's microphone didn't work). We checked out several stores last night. Radio Shack, Best Buy, Curcuit City, and Target. So when the new cordless phone is all charged up I can finish calling everyone!! I already had a girl call me on Sunday to reserve a spot for her and her sister for my next crop! At Target I was looking at the photo albums at the end of the aisle was a cart. It had a bunch of random things in it. Some employee had been working on putting all of the items back. Well, I saw a red suede album set. It had three small albums that were covered in red suede and they were in a matching box. It is so cute! There was no price tag or packaging. So I went to the customer service desk to see if they could tell me how much it was. It was taking awhile so we went to Circuit City and found a phone. Then we went back to Target and asked if they had a price for the albums. The girl told us that it had been clearanced several times and the price was now $2.24! I just smiled. How cool is this! I love deals like this! I love this album set! Now I just need to think of some cute idea of what to put into them.

Well, I just figured out how to add photos straight from the digital camera to my blog! I am so happy! I am going to try to make this blog more fun. I will find out photos from the San Francisco trip we took in March and share our vacation/business trip.

Oh, and I changed the settings on the blog, ANYONE can post a comment! YEAH! So let me know that you are reading this. Please??

Update

2005-10-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't get back to the blog the next day, sorry! I have been busy making cards and flower arrangements and K has been busy making jewelry for a Open House that we participated in last weekend. We didn't do as well as we hoped. I think that the attendance wasn't what we expected. I am going to put all of the items we made onto eBay and sell them there. It was a crazy week! On Wednesday night I stayed up until 5 am working on the cards and crafts and went to bed as K left for work! Then I got up at 8 am to take all of my "stuff" over to the Open House. I finally took a nap at noon for a few hours. On Friday and Saturday I went to a crop. I had invited 9 of my friends and got to sit in the middle of all of them. It was so fun!

I still need to learn how to post photos, then I can show what is going on in my life.

I am once again reorganizing my scrapbook room. We moved my tables around and I am trying to find homes for my paper and stamping inks and so much more.

I started my cycle this Monday ALL ON MY OWN! I was pretty happy about that. I didn't have to pay to go in and get a shot to start the cycle. So I am on birth control pills this month to regulate hormones and will get to start a fertility cycle in November. The doctor is changing the drugs the cycle. Dropping the clomid and adding a new drug with the Repronex. Unfortunately it is another injectable. So, two shots a day. Oh well, I am determined to not give up. It doesn't matter how many shots, pokes, prods, blood draws, ultrasounds, pills, 2 week waits, appointments and dollars it takes; I am going to get through this. Patience. It really is a virtue. I am being forced to work on it. It is not a process I would ever have chosen , ever. But I am grateful for the chance to become a better person through this, I just pray I can live up to the challenge. Heavenly Father wants me to succeed, so I have the best supporter on my side.

October...

2005-10-07T02:45:00.000-07:00

I needed to quickly post that I am still here and doing pretty good. We changed internet providers and I was without internet for a week. It felt like a month!

It is 2:45 AM and my insomnia is in full force! I have run out of Ambien pills and trying to stop taking sleeping pills, but I just can't sleep at night! I think I should have taken two of those little blue pills 4 hours ago!

K and I have been making bead necklaces, bracelets and earrings the last few weeks. I love it! We have a fun new hobby to share. Next Thursday through Saturday we are going to sell the jewelry at a Open House that a friend is doing. I am also going to sell greeting cards and some floral arrangements that I am making. I hope that we do well.

I will give more details, maybe tomorrow. I can't think very well since it's late. I may try falling asleep again. :)

day by day

2005-09-16T22:59:00.000-07:00

i am doing better a little bit, day by day. i know that i am being blessed. i know that the strength that i have is not my own. and i am so grateful for it. more friends that have had miscarriages (five that i can think of right now) have shared with me their experiences and it helps to be able to talk to people. but there are also times that i don't want to talk about it. i just don't want to cry then. i feel better this week, and i really thought it would take months for me to get to this point. i know that i am going to have good days/weeks and bad days/weeks, but for now i am doing good. you really don't know how you are going to react to something like this until it hits you in the face and you have to deal with it.

sink or swim.
i think i am still dog paddling at this point. but swimming none the less.

on a completely different note, i am having a scrapbook crop at my house tomorrow. it will start at 2 pm and go until midnight. i am looking forward to it. it will be nice to have friends over and just have fun. scrapbooking satisfies so many of my interests. creativity & organization, just to name two.

by the way, it's my dad's birthday today (september 16), happy birthday dad!

still here

2005-09-07T15:18:00.000-07:00

i had a rough day yesterday. during sunday and monday i was feeling slowly better, less pain and so on. then yesterday i had more painful cramping and heavy bleeding. had an ultrasound today, looks like both babies have passed and no problems to take care of now. loving some prescription drugs that the doctor prescribed. they numb me enough to calm me.

we have found some scriptures lately just through reading that have helped give some comfort. here is one of them.

Philippians 4:6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

italics and bold by me, showing what has touched my spirit in this experience.

last night two ladies from my church came over and brought us a meal. one of the i didn't know but felt her compassion and sadness for me. first of all it was nice to have a real meal and not fast food or pizza. neither of us have wanted to cook, at all. and most importantly it tasted so good to me. i really think that food made with love, compassion and service just taste better. they sat with me for a little bit and offered comfort. one friend had two miscarriages a long time ago. it helps my soul to cry with someone who knows. she has known me and my family for many years (she is the mother of a friend my age) and I never knew she had suffered a loss of a baby. i am so grateful she shared that with me. God knows me and what i need right now. i know he didn't cause this pain but he is helping me through it. i am not grateful for this trial now, but i am grateful for those people he has brought to me to comfort me.

2005-09-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

not sure how to start this. not sure what i want to say. i had a miscarriage yesterday. last thursday our ultrasound did not go as we thought. there were no heartbeats. i was waiting until that ultrasound to announce that we were going to have twins. there are no words to fully describe the pain and sorrow that i am going through right now.

loss.
i lost my babies.

k has been a wonderful support for me. taking care of me and wiping away my tears. i want to move far away and start over. i don't want to see people and have to tell them.

i don't know how this blog is going to continue. it has been a source for me to tell others of our roller coaster of infertility and was going to document my pregnancy. now what?

we are going to try again in a few months.
pray for another miracle

i won't be giving detailed updates on the fertility treatments on the blog or to anyone anymore. when we get pregnant again we are going to wait at least until the 2nd trimester to announce it. i don't want to be secretive but i feel like i have to protect myself now. my innocence has been stripped from me. i am still in a dark place right now. i don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, but i have faith that it is there. i just don't know how long it is going to take me to get there.

so at this point, i don't know what i am going to do with this blog. it will feel so weird to update about everything in our lives but the fertility treatments, especially when that is what consumed my thoughts each day. i will be omitting a huge part of our lives. i don't know what else to do.

2005-08-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

i will post an update on tuesday or wednesday.

Everything is okay...

2005-08-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

It has been 10 days since my last post. Sorry! I have been feeling pretty good and I have an ultrasound on Thursday! Anxiously awaiting 8:30 am to find out more details. I will post as soon as I can after the appointment! More details then! I promise!!!!!!

Feelin' Sick

2005-08-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

I guess I shouldn't complain, since I want this baby so bad, but I have been feeling sick for a week now. Nauseous pretty much all day long. I am just trying to eat little bits during the day to make myself feel better. The 100+ degree days while we were camping didn't help either. On Monday I came down with a cold or something. K had come down with the same illness 5 days before but when I woke up with it he immediately called the doctor. He is so sweet. We went in for an appointment and told them our symptoms and K was told he had bronchitis and given some medicine. I was given amoxicillin, perfectly safe for a pregnant lady. Today I feel like I should be in a Nyquil commercial. And my voice is all raspy. I have four more days of amoxicillin, hopefully it will kick in and I will feel better.

Yesterday (with TONS of help from my Mom and sister) I moved K's clothes from the guest bedroom closet in to the closet in our bedroom. We moved stuff around, gave new homes to things and squished all of my stuff and K's in one closet. They are small closets; I can't wait for a walk in closet again someday. So the baby's room is all ready for new carpet, paint and a crib! It will be so nice to walk by and see it set up. I know it's a long time until April, but I am so excited!

This morning we are going to go get some fish for our 10 gallon tank. We had a single goldfish that died in March and we kept on planning to get some fish, but it never happened! I never had time to set up the tank during the week so on the weekend we could go get the fish. A few days ago my sister and brother came over and helped me clean my house. My sister filled up the tank for me! Thanks! So today, K and I are going with my sister, brother and one of his friends, McK. We like doing things with all of them; we all act silly and have a blast!

Too Soon

2005-08-11T17:48:00.000-07:00

Well, we went in for the ultrasound and found out that I was not as far along as they thought. So no heartbeat, yet! Two more weeks! Why is everything in this process two weeks? I am trying to be patient but come on now! I slept horribly last night. Thinking of sad things that the ultrasound tech might say. But no sad words, just more waiting. I guess I can deal with waiting better than sad words. More to come on this in two weeks.

Our A/C went out again today. In over 90 degree weather. Last Monday we paid over a $100 to get it fixed at a friend's home shop. He replaced a blower motor and it worked great until today! So I took it in to a real shop this afternoon, after a $80 inspection they told me that it will cost $980!!!!!!!!! Nine hundred and eighty bucks! Half for the part and the other half for the labor! UGH! So we are going to look at a wrecking yard to get the part, $80 for the part instead of $500! And have another friend try to take apart the dashboard and fix it. I hope it will work.

I am trying to get all my stuff together to have a crop at my home on Saturday. I have not heard back from anyone, so I don't know if I will even have it!

I am going to the monthly Girls Night Out tomorrow night. I haven't seen them since they were moved to a new ward at church. It will be good to see them again. Two of them know about our little "development" and I will probably tell the rest of them. It is so fun sharing this with friends, seeing their faces and hearing their screams! Love it!