tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13680868.post-1142477392223907302006-03-15T21:36:00.000-05:002006-03-15T21:49:52.236-05:00been a while. i've been...keeping up with my schoolwork. i haven't been to psych (101) in about a month, but the last test made me realize that i don't really need to if i do the reading and read the book.<br /><br />been keeping up with abstract algebra the best. been doing all the homework, showing up on fridays and at least a monday or wednesday a week. now, real analysis (class), well...i show up for quizzes and usually after i've been to abstract algebra, since they're back to back. i haven't done the homework the last two times, but i've been up with the quizzes. geometry is same old same old; so glad that class isn't rigorous, but...<br /><br />well, we got the homework back for geometry (only 4 homeworks all semester, this was homework 2), and turns out i got two of the four problems totally wrong. and i spent a good five hours on those two. ... ...<br /><br />so...yeah...<br /><br />we had a test in there today, and i think i got maybe a 75/100. with any luck that'll be curved to a low B. i hope.<br /><br />and the abstract algebra test today...................................<br /><br />i just got back from it. i guess i didn't study enough. some of the problems, i just...i just stared at them for 20, 30 minutes and couldn't remember anything even tangentially related. like my brain just...didn't have it. i feel so weird now, like i floating, only under heavy pressure, like maybe<br /><br />at the bottom of<br /><br />a river.<br /><br />my body's quivering, though, so much nervous energy that i couldn't use to my will. just...didn't study enough. i have just...no drive. but i am going to finish; i hate it when people ask me that, i explained it to julie:<br /><br />if i even allow myself to consider the option of failure, then i will fail. if i even allow myself to know that thought. i have kept myself clean of it--will continue to do so. i hate even writing this, even talking about it.<br /><br />because what no one knows...what no one can truly know, is that when i stopped drinking, it wasn't because i chose to do so. there was no choice. i was on a one dimensional track with no branches. i could only move in one direction. it wasn't even a choice between stopping and dying. there was no dying. there was only the future, and i could do nothing but be swept forward into it.<br /><br />that is what no one understands. that what i call me had...has...nothing to do with it.irahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08126052534311148133noreply@blogger.com