Single Girl in America

"Shatter in the blink of an eye....you keep sailing right on through...."

2009-10-20T23:20:00.003-04:00

You know your friends are pretty amazing, when you have the day from hell, and then come home after a few beers, laughing and singing, in a great mood.

And I returned to the scene of the crime from the terrible date last night. Which really was just so very fucked up. How can you think a date is so bad, and someone else - think holding hands, and stroking a thigh - is acceptable behaviour.

And now - I'm watching my favourite serial killer...before passing the hell out.

xx K

"And so it is...just like you said it would be...we'll both forget the breeze...most of the time..."

2009-10-19T21:58:00.002-04:00

Its so freaking rare that I have a bad date...but dear god tonight - I think i had the worst date of my life.

I don't know - I mean he just wasn't me. And after two beers while I was wondering how the hell to get out of there, he was trying to hold my hand and put his hand on my thigh.

Now I had had a terrible day for work reasons, and honestly, the one thing that could have made me feel marginally better - was the thought of great sex. But this guy (even though he was cute) - just was not me. And I have freaking standards.

He felt young, even though he was 28. I don't know. Not good at all :( And then I had to explain to him for 30 minutes why I didn't think "we were going to work".

:(

xxx k

"'Cause I'm lately, horny..cause I like you..will she take me..."

2009-10-18T23:33:00.003-04:00

God - I don't know whats happening with me and drinking lately...but my complete lack of memory from the past few times I've gotten drunk, is kinda awful.

Last night was a Homecoming Dance for a kickball charity event. The night gets blurry pretty fast into the night (we had been drinking at a friends before hand). I barely remember the bar...or getting home. I found my clothes this morning strewn throughout my house.

I don't know...I never used to get like this. And honestly, I don't like it. Its that waking up moment of "what the hell did I do last night that I don't remember?". You know?

So I'm watching Californication when I probably should be sleeping. I think Californication has to be one of the best shows. Its all about sex, drinking, and smoking. Two of those three things - I love. Three things I used to love. Oh - the old smoking me....it feels like a lifetime ago.

Speaking of which, I've now lost about 17lbs. I'm now thinking maybe 15lbs to go. Total weight loss of 30lbs should be just about perfect. With the amount of bloody drinking I've been doing lately...its going to take a while.

So - I posted an ad on craigslist today when I was really hungover. And somebody responded knowing it was me from this blog....which I think is funny...but also shows me what a small place DC is.

xx K

"If I lay here...if I just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world...."

2009-10-09T21:25:00.003-04:00

I've been in a strange mood the last few days. I've been having thoughts about somebody - that is just beyond ridiculous. Seriously - beyond ridiculous.

As always, just too much on my mind. A few updates:

1. Work is crazy, and I'm over it. I want to take a day off or be sick for a day - without the constant emails or phone calls. I'm tired of studying for exams. My last one is in 2.5 weeks and I've done pretty much nothing, which will make the next 2.5 weeks hell.

2. I've now lost just over 15lbs. I like it. Actually, I love it.

3. I saw two of my closest friends get married last weekend, which was just about as cool as it gets. My first American wedding, and it was to be fair, freaking awesome. She looked gorgeous, and i've never seen him look more happy. Just two people that I have absolutely no doubt will stay together for the rest of their lives. And there are so not very many people I would say that about. I (of course) proceeded to get extremely drunk, somehow lose a shoe, and have no idea how I got home (or who with). What I do remember - is dancing all night, and having an awesome time - surrounded by my friends that I just adore.

4. Just back from a few crazy (drunken) days in Florida for a work conference. I am so over any sort of travel for work.

5. And now I'm a little sick, and a lot tired.

I want to go to bed, but just not alone.

xx K

"Are you happy when you're sleeping....does he keep you safe and warm...."

2009-09-15T20:14:00.004-04:00

While running on the treadmill tonight, I was thinking about where I want to be in my life. So here are my very short, not so short, and long-term goals:

Very short (12 months or less):

- Lose 20lbs. I'm about 9lbs down, which I guess is almost half way...although I think the last 11lbs are going to be hard. Its been five weeks since I started...and I don't know that i've changed my life significantly. I have been going to the gym at least 3 times a week and seeing my personal trainer once a week since February (my whole not smoking get fat paranoia). But I've probably cut my portion size down significantly, increased my fruit and vegetable intake significantly, and cut out a lot of the lattes/chais etc. that I used to drink almost twice a day. I have a lot of salads with no dressing. And I'm loving it...but 11lbs to go.

- Save at least $2k a month. This should be easy. But dear god I love to shop, travel, eat and drink :)

- Pass my final exam. Two down, one to go. Studying doesn't suit me anymore, but neither does failing.

Short-term (12 months - two years):

- Have no debt (really, just my car loan).

- Buy a house. Seriously, I really hope that another 12-months of credit history, will mean that I can get a mortgage over here. I'm dying to own my own place.

Long-term (two years plus):

- Consider fostering. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and its something that I am really really interested in. I dont' know if i can have children. I suspect not. But I have never really felt the absolute need to have my own, but I definitely want to have children. I have done some research now and I can foster (without being a US citizen now I have my permanent residency). So its a definite option (which is at least two years away).

- Consider working in the Government for a couple of years. The experience would be amazing, and I probably need it if I want to stay here indefinitely.

So - there is my current thinking. You can see boys don't fit in. Mostly because I just don't know if I see myself with someone. Not that I don't want it - because I absolutely do. But - I'm just not sure I see it happening for me. And I don't mean that in a "poor me" kind of way...I just lost a lot of faith in boys for anything other than shagging a while ago, and I haven't met anyone so far to change that.

OK - I'm about to walk Rugby. Its been a good night.

xx K

"I need you to love me....I need you today...give me your leather - take from me, my lace..."

2009-09-12T22:47:00.003-04:00

I've missed blogging....or maybe i've missed this blog. Its just the way I think about things out loud sometimes.

Its been a little (or maybe a lot) crazy:

- Vegas and Atlantic City. Both a hell of a lot of fun.

- Second exam down, one more to go. God I can't wait for them to be over. I'm getting really tired of working or studying through every holiday I take.

- I decided not to go to grad school. See point above.

- Maybe I can't have casual sex anymore. I've been shagging this boy. Well actually - unlike last year - this one is actually in his 30's. 32 in fact. I don't know - he's a good guy, I just am not feeling it. The sex has the potential to be out of this world. I just am not feeling it, at all. Or maybe just not feeling him enough.

- My nephew is walking, and talking (a little) and I'm scared as hell that I'm missing out on being a huge part of his life.

- I've been having a stupid amount of contact with somebody, and I should know better. Its not fair to me, and its not fair to him or his life. And I don't know what the hell I'm doing with it all.

- There is not one person right now, that i actually even have a crush on. I really need to do something about that. Somehow.

- Living alone again. I can't talk about that - because this person who I just freaking adored, really bloody hurt me. And I'm over it = because I just can't put up with that shit.

- I have lost 7lbs and am trying to lose another 13lbs. Its the new me. The non-smoking one that goes to the gym all the bloody time. I kinda prefer this one, but I'm not sure she is as much fun.

I was walking around DC today and just realised how much I love this bloody town. Its funny, now that i've got my green card - I've been thinking more about going home. And then I have days like today - when I realise this is my home. I could have a whole blog where all I talked about was "where should i spend the rest of my life" - and I just want somebody to make that decision for me. Or maybe I want somebody in my life - who could be a part of that decision.

Anyway. Enough for now.

xx K

New blog location....

2009-08-10T21:20:00.002-04:00

For many reasons, I'm trying to make the blog more anonymous. So - I have a new blog location - which is Single Girl in DC. I'm just starting the blog, but should post more frequentlyand hopefully more openly.

I'm pretty sure I won't be blogging here anymore, but we'll see. And yeah - I'm sad about that.

xxx K

"I never knew you...you never knew me...say hello...goodbye"

2009-07-26T21:50:00.002-04:00

I've been studying all evening while listening to Damien Rice and David Gray. I don't mind studying I guess if its interesting. The stuff I'm reading right now - actually is. But what I need to know to pass the exam, is mindless rote learning. And I freaking hate that.

Its fair to say, last night was drunk. Or I was drunk last night more appropriately. I was having brunch with a few of my friends today - and they were rehashing last night - and I realised there were some things they said - that i had no bloody idea about. And that i'm pretty sure I was there for. I think as I get older, I get drunk faster or easier or something.

I met one of my ex-bfs, new gf last night. I was a bitch about the whole thing really - as she is, to be mean, quite rotund. I was texting a male friend of mine about it, who told me to take a photo and send to him so he could judge. You can just imagine me - trying to be subtle taking a photo of this girl while being slightly intoxicated. Anyway - after being a total bitch, I realised how happy my ex looked with this girl. And to be fair, I don't want him back, I broke up with him, and the only thing I really miss - is the hot hot hot sex we used to have. And so I grew the fuck up - and stopped acting like a small child whose toy had been taken away from her.

I'm tired and still a little hungover. Its going to be a huge week at work too :(

xx K

"I can't take my eyes off of you.......and so it is...."

2009-07-20T20:51:00.004-04:00

Here are my totally random thoughts tonight:

- When I find a boy attractive just because he can drive a stick/manual - I think I've officially been in America too long. Is that how easy it is for me to want to shag you - drive a manual and like cricket? That is seriousy fucked up.

- I need to work right now, but can't get on to my work email from home for some (god wants to punish me) reason, and cannot be fucked driving to work to get my work laptop.

- I want to stop everybody in my life that i love - from getting hurt. I really don't understand why some of the nicest people in the world - can get hurt the most. It makes me want to scream at the stupid boys who just have absolutely no fucking idea. You know?

- I'm angry with myself for calling Blair when I was wasted and telling him he was the love of my life. God - I hope he is not the love of my life. Because my situation with boys is fucked up enough - without adding that to it. I mean - yeah I loved him. I'm not in love with him. How can I be - I haven't seen him in forever. When we were in the same country, we were awful. Even I'm not that insane - right?

- I'm sad about missing the Ashes today. I miss cricket beyond what i can describe.

I'm having a beer, when what I really want is a cigarette. I've been to the gym. Killed myself. Its 9pm, and all I want to do is crawl into bed. Preferably not alone. What I really want to do is call Work Boy and tell him that i miss him. But its way too freaking late in Londontown right now.

xx K

"You said you like fireworks...I'll give you fireworks...come on you coward...burn my schoolhouse down.."

2009-07-19T18:17:00.003-04:00

Things that I vaguely or don't remember about yesterday:

- Calling my ex who is now married. This is blurry at best. Apparently (so he just told me over email) I told him he was the "love of my life". Fuck.

- Falling asleep outside on a table. (I had to get told about this this morning).

- Talking to some random guy about cricket for what could have been either five minutes or two hours. Giving him my number in case he finds anywhere in DC to watch cricket.

- Seeing photos of last night and realising there were people at my house that I don't even remember seeing.

I'm all freaking class.

xx K

"Fall asleep next to me....wait for everyone to go away...."

2009-07-18T11:28:00.002-04:00

Beer olympics being held at my house today for Sparky and T's 30th birthdays.

I wonder just how messy today is going to get?

Opening ceremonies start at 3pm. Bring it. This is where my competitive side takes over.

xx K

"and fuck you...fuck you....I love you...and all we've been through..."

2009-07-16T20:52:00.003-04:00

God - i've just had one of those conversations with two of my male friends - who have just talked the biggest load of shit ever.

Its the whole "I want to fuck the sluts" and "marry the virgins'.

I blame it on these two boys being young and not knowing better.

What I really think - is enjoy your boring marriage with the girl you are too scared to talk about the type of sex you really want. Because heaven forbid - you actually marry someone you have incredible sex with. Or fuck up the ass. Or tie up. Or spank. Because - those are the kind of girls you just fuck - right???????

Weirdos.

xx K

"What I want from this...is learn to let go...."

2009-07-15T21:03:00.002-04:00

Chris (aka Work Boy) told me today I need to get over the whole "where am I going to live" thing - and just live. He's right. I'm going to evaluate in 12 months. In 12 months - I'll see if I have my green card. I'll see if anybody will give me a mortgage. And I'll see where I am in my life. And - until then - I'll chill the fuckout.

Right - Amy just rang. Need to go out for a bit. Maybe more later.

xxx K

"And I said oh lord...I'm not ready for that sort of thing..."

2009-07-14T22:23:00.002-04:00

Its been a little bit of an emotional night...but in a very very good way.

I don't say it or think it or realise it enough - but I have just the most amazing, family.

And that is absolutely the hardest thing about being here.

My parents are getting older, my nephew just had his first birthday - and I'm missing it.

I'm scared shitless that something will happen to someone, and I will have missed so much - because I've spent the last six years of my life thousands of miles away.

I was talking to my Dad tonight, and I just had tears running down my face. In a good way. In a "I'm lucky" kind of way. In a - "I miss my family" kind of way.

But my life is here and I don't know if i could change that.

I'm tired of blogging about NZ vs. DC vs. London vs. god knows where.

But I'm confused on a daily basis about it. And its awful.

xx K

"Loving is good if your dicks made of wood..."

2009-07-13T23:02:00.002-04:00

So, my news of the day is that I have a new roommate.

Its a boy. He's young. A friend of mine. And I am completely forbidden from blogging anything about him. Hmmmm - well I guess thats fair.

God I am so in love with Californication. Its all about sex, so how could I not love it?

xx K

"Are you happy when you're sleeping....does he keep you safe and warm...."

2009-07-12T14:52:00.003-04:00

Billy Joel and Elton John last night was fantastic. I mean absolutely fantastic. I danced, I screamed, I sweated my ass off :)

DC has gotten hot and I've forgotton just how much I hate the humidity (and mostly because it fucks with my hair).

I feel like going for a drive...and listening to Damien Rice far too loudly. I'm so in that kind of mood. The other part of me - wants to crawl into bed, and forget I should be studying right now.

I'm so not going to do this grad school thing. There - I've decided.

xx K

"The focus is clear...and make no decision...the jury is hung by the guilt of omission...if you lied..."

2009-07-10T20:51:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking too much tonight. Thinking always gets me into far too much trouble.

I've been sick all week. I mean - not eating, not sleeping, crying, wishing I was dead - kind of sick. The kind of sick where you just need somebody to tell you its all going to be OK.

So now - I'm wondering how different my life would be, if I didn't come back to DC. Maybe if I didn't even move to London. But if I'd gone home instead, which was always the plan when I first left New Zealand. And I can't even believe I'm thinking this - because if you take away the last four years - you take away alot of people that are just the world to me.

But this week - when I've been sick, for the most part, these people haven't been here with me.

I just emailed Blair about six links to blogs that I wrote a long time ago, when I was so fucked up about me and him. About how just because he didn't love me - didn't mean i wasn't loveable. And - thats to try and explain why I'm so hesitant for us to be in as much contact as we have been in lately.

See - too much on my mind.

I want to take away every person I know that knows about this blog, and only have readers that don't know me. I want to write exactly what I need to write, every day - without wondering who will read and get offended. Or who will read and wish I didn't write about them. Or who will worry about me.

I'm fine. I'm always fine. I laugh a lot more than I cry. A hell of a lot more. We all have bad days.

Well tonight - I'm tired. I've felt awful all week. I have so much work to do now - that I don't even know where to begin.

And I want to crawl into bed with a boy that loves cricket, and me. Preferably me first. Well equal :) And I'm not likely to find that living in this lovely city.

xx K

"'Cause I'm lately, horny..cause I like you..will she take me..."

2009-07-10T15:24:00.002-04:00

I've realised why I'm different. No, actually - I've realised how I'm different.

I used to be able to sleep with someone because I found him cute and the sex was great and the conversation was OK. Now - I think I need the sex to be great but the conversation also. And I need to find him cute. But thats probably third on the list.

I don't know. I just think the person I want to have casual sex with may also be the person that I would want to want to date. Although, I don't need to date him. The casual sex can mean that i get a lot less invested.

Make sense?

xx K

"I'm trying to move on...but your coming home..."

2009-07-09T11:09:00.004-04:00

I'm sick. God I freaking hate being sick. I can't even eat. Reading books takes too much concentration. I'm so bored by TV. So I'm just lying here - feeling really sorry for myself :(

Day 2.5 of being home sick, does not make me happy at all.

:(

xxx K

"Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat, Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did"

2009-07-05T20:44:00.004-04:00

At least I now know that when drunk (I'm mostly) adorable.

God yesterday was insanely messy. I think I was probably drunk by 2pm. By 10.30pm (when I apparently got home) - I was toasted.

I "apparently" saw four of my good friends when I got home. I vaguely remember seeing them. Well no, to be clear, I do remember seeing them, but I don't remember anything that I said to them.

Apparently I kept hugging them and telling them I love them. Which I do. I'm not sure they needed to know it 100 times though :)

I also had to get told today that while talking to two boys (both that I've shagged before) I said "I've shagged you both and don't want to have either of your children". I mean - what the fuck does that even mean? I think I was quite pda'y as well.....which I'm only ever like - when toasted.

I'm all class sometimes.

Its been a long hungover day, and I've just got back from seeing the Hangover. Quite apt I think.

xx K

"and fuck you...fuck you....I love you...and all we've been through..."

2009-07-04T10:38:00.003-04:00

Its July 4 today, which means the drinking starts early.

Anyway - I get added by some guy today on twitter, which of course I have no problem with. He says he's from "washington DC". OK - cool. I look him up to see if I want to add him too and find he's from bum fuck Virginia. Look - each to their own, if you want to live in bum fuck Virginia - thats cool. Totally your choice. It could be for a million reasons. But bum fuck Viriginia - is not Washington DC. Its Virginia.

Ask yourself - where do you get to vote?

Really - well maybe thats where you bloody well live.

I'll admit that I am a total DC snob. But still...this is one of my total freaking pet hates.

People do it on craigslist all the time - advertise housing in Virginia or Maryland - in the DC section. Frankly, if I was wanting to live in either Virginia or Maryland - clearly I would be looking in those sections.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Right, need to get ready. As I said - the drinking starts early today!

xx K

"American girls are weather and noise...playing the changes for all of the boys..."

2009-07-03T12:10:00.002-04:00

So yesterday - I wanted to shag. No question. I mean lets face it - I've had sex on the brain since I got the all-clear a few weeks ago.

And yesterday - I get two emails from boys I've shagged before asking what I was up to. The intention was clear. And yet - I said no, to both. Or didn't encourage either is perhaps more accurate.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Sex with someone that I have shagged before and that I know will be good? Me, girl with a too high sex drive? And - I don't do it.

I want the "casual sex" me back. Overthinking all this - is bullshit.

I deliberatly decided to do nothing today. I've been stressed out all week. So this morning I sleep in until 9am. Work a little then read my book in bed. Walk and get coffee. And just generally relax. And now I'm bored :( Must be gym time.

xx K

xx K

"Just close the door inside my heart.....cause I have hollow eyes......"

2009-07-01T22:16:00.003-04:00

Oh - and did I mention that:

1) My older neighbour crush moved out. OK to be fair, he wasn't old. I think he was like 42. But for me - thats kinda old. We are now facebook friends. We chat. I miss him actually. We used to gossip over the fence about random shit. He would put up with me when I came home drunk and he would be outside smoking. We used to flirt. Yeah - I miss him. But I didn't want anything with him.

2) There are two new neighbours on the other side. I haven't met them yet, but apparently they are 21 year old boys. I did put in a request for boys, but was hoping for them to be at least 28. 21 is far too bloody young.

xxx K

"And what I am to you....is not real...and what I am to you....you do not need..."

2009-07-01T21:55:00.002-04:00

Oh Damien Rice. How I heart you.

My friends mock me incessantly about my "depressing" music taste. But its absolutely not how it makes me feel. Damien Rice - i want to listen to with someone I love. To shag to. To drive to. Listening to it just makes me happy and its hard to explain that.

I stupidly went to the gym for about an hour and a half tonight. I did mention that I was getting completely addicted. And lets be real, I have been known to have somewhat of an addictive personality.

Its only just past 10pm, and I'm ready to crawl into bed. Well shower, and then crawl into bed.

My body hurts. Its sore from lifting weights. My ankle and knee hurts from running. I think I've injured my wrist a little from god knows what. I'm 32 and its awful. I am probably fit enough at the moment to actually enjoy running 10kms. But there is no freaking way that my body will hold up for that. The one month of physio on my ankle did jack diddly shit. I now have knee problems (probably because of my ankle problems).

Seriously so not bloody cool.

I wouldn't want to be 21 again for anything. Well - maybe other than my 21 year old body. That could run forever and not hurt the next day.

Maybe I'll look back on this post when I'm 60 and realise how good I have it now. But right now - I just want to be able to run for 40 mins without killing myself in the process. I hate the thought that i just may not be able to run anymore :( Thats bullshit.

xxx K

"Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat, Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did"

2009-06-30T22:31:00.003-04:00

I've been a crazy girl today. Totally stressed at work. And it was just one of those days - where I felt like everything that could go wrong - did go wrong.

Went to the gym - got my ass kicked by my trainer.

Now - feeling a hell of a lot better.

Its been a little insane lately. I was in Long Beach for the weekend for a girls weekend. As much as I love boys (which lets face it, is a lot) - there is just something about getting away with a group of girls, that is just awesome. Too much wine was drunk - and surrounded by my amazing liberal friends - I get on my "if I earn three times as much as you, how much more tax than you should I pay" vibe. Seriously - when drunk, I should shut the fuck up sometimes.

Came back to DC, and sat (and passed) my first of three exams that I need to take for work.

And then tired, and a little stressed out, had a stupidly freaking busy, annoying day at work.

I want to get drunk and be stupid. Its a total theme in my life lately.

xx K