this can not be true

public service announcement

2005-07-15T06:30:00.000-07:00

DO NOT TELL THE TRUTH! I REPEAT...DO NOT TELL THE TRUTH! to your therapist and/or psychiatrist. DO NOT LET THEM SEE THE REAL YOU...not even for a split second. i can not stress enough the importance of these two things.

i realize that if you are reading my blog it is likely that you are at the very least half as looney as the author. So in the spirit of social responsibility I thought it my duty to share with you some of my mistakes along the road to psychoanalytical success and the attainment of the golden thearaputic prize....the prescription.

telling your psych/therapist that you want to plunge an icepick into their eye is not a good idea. no, they will do not understand you are just trying to get a point across and didn't even bring your icepick to the session. (note to self...pack icepick for therapy today)

should your phone ring during a therapy session DO NOT answer it and scream into the receiver...DIE MOTHERF*&R! DIE!

when asked about any fantasies you may be having lately(psychs are the biggest pervs) DO NOT be honest and tell them every night last week was spent in the Village stalking Ethan Hawk in the hopes of kidnapping him and chaining him to your wall where you would have your way with him for the next 3 months. docs just don't understand these things.

when asked if you have taken their advice about doing something relaxing before bed...say "yes" ..when they ask what you did..say "Knitting"..DO NOT let them know the murder scene in your favorite movie soothes you to sleep.

speaking about movies...DO NOT..tell them you can identify with the main charater in American Psycho! (that is a real important one.)

when asked what your thinking about right at the moment....(they ask this everytime they realize you have stopped listening) do not tell them your thoughts are alternating between imagining them spontaneously bursting into flames and fucking Brad Pitt and Robert Redford at the same time next to a cozy fire.

do not tell them you would rather shove hot burning coals in your open eyes than listen to their mindless babbling for another second. this will get you a "suicidal tendencies" notation in your chart..

in a nutshell...LIE YOUR ASS OFF. Do not make the fatal mistake i made in being open and honest. honesty has no place in psychoanalysis.

the sole duty of your psych is to push your buttons or more crassly put...piss you off. do not at any time make them aware that they are gaining ground.

do not be lulled into a false sense of security. they are tricky bastards. the whole soft speaking voice, understanding smile and look of genuine interest has been fine tuned over many years of training. it is all a mask. it is how they trap you. not looking at them helps. every time you feel like glancing over at them...think medusa.

i hope this might have helped some of you. as i learn more i will share more..for right now i am running late for a session and still have to pack my icepick..wish me luck.

got milk?

2005-07-14T07:37:00.000-07:00

"Don't cry over spilt milk" said the psychoanalyst to Zooey. "What does this cliche mean to you?"

"Are you for real? Are you for fucking real?!! Look, doc, let's get out the scrip pad and start scribbling, shall we?"

"Zooey, i am trying to get a sense of where you are right now. Can you please tell me what the phrase means to you?"

"mmmmmmm, i don't know...maybe that i am stuck in chocolate chip cookie hell and someone has killed all the damn cows! NOW GIVE ME SOME MEDS!!!!!"

"Zooey, I sense anger here. Are you angry today?"

"Angry?....me?..not at all. Are we getting any closer to the part where you write me a prescription? because i have to be honest with you doc, 5 more minutes of your bullshit, and i plunge an icepick through your eye...not that i am in a "angry place" or anything."

And so it came to pass that I was immediatley given a scrip for a anti-psychotic agent. Not that i am psychotic or anything. No, I do not hear voices that tell me to kill the nice psychoanalyst man.(by the way, did i mention that the reindeer ball biting woman does it because Santa Claus tells her to?....and i am on medication...go figure) I do not wish to hurt myself or other people. i am not a looney tune. (although at times i can identify with bugs bunny)

I have GAD. Generalized Anxiety disorder. which basically means that i have anxiety ALLLLLL the time. Everyday, all day. while most people feel some stress now and then, like when they are stuck in traffic, or the train is late, or their neighbor's dog shits on their lawn...incidents such as these cause me to pull my hair out. simple stressors are equivalent to nuclear meltdown for me.

It means don't call me, i will call you because the sound of the phone ringing incessantly makes me want to ram the fucking thing down your throat.

It means put your dog on a damn leash because i have more important things to worry about than his shit on my lawn, like whether those anxiety induced palpiatations are really a fatal heart attack approaching.

it means i do not give a flying shit how your day is going, i am too busy worrying about nothing to care.

it means stop asking me what you can do to help me because if i knew i would hold a gun to your head until you did it.

it means i know not to cry over spilt milk, but i am afraid of sight of the carton. i would not attempt to even take it out of the fridge.

it means i am scared and lonely all the time right now. does this make me psycho?

reindeer balls

2005-07-12T09:02:00.000-07:00

just when i thought i had heard it all....just when i thought i knew every last wacko ass thing there was to know about the swissmister and his family, i hear this.........

his ex-wife.....are you ready for this one?.....he tells me his his ex-wife BIT THE BALLS OFF A REINDEER! this seemed so unfuckingbelievable that i verified the information with a third party. swissmister's good friend, who knows them both, confirmed that the reindeer ball biting incident did infact occur.

WHO DOES SHIT LIKE THIS??!!!!!!!!!

apparently all the women in finland do. is this equivalent to our Ladies Night? half price reindeer balls until 11pm for all women this friday ?.....do these loony ass chicks call their best friend on the weekend?...."hey, girl, what's up? want to go pick up some reindeer tonight?"...."you read my mind girlfriend! it has been ages since i bit off some fine reindeer balls!..pick you up at 8."...WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i like to think of myself as an open minded individual who is accepting of other cultures and their traditions but biting the balls off of Rudolph is just too damn much for even me to take. i mean...who the hell are these freakazoids and how in the fuck did i come to know one of them? what am i...fly paper for freaks??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't!! i just freakin can't!!!! i have to go pop a xanax.

So many men so little time

2005-07-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

YEAH, RIGHT! I WISH! (unless you want to count the fat fuck pig who owns my favorite restaurant and who is constantly asking me to masturabte for him. as if that would EVER happen. in that case i might entitle the post...so much of the man so little slim fast!)

Does it ever happen to any of you, that you find yourself sitting at your computer, fingers poised above the keyboard, ready to strike out a new creative, witty post and absolutely nothing, nada, zippo happens? This is happening to me right now.

it can't be possible that I have nothing to share. Where have all my stories gone? (Perhaps the same place my brain cells went by the time i finished drinking that bottle of wine today.) i guess i could tell you that right now my head is splitting because my son's hamster, Bitty, is creating a racket trying to make his escape from the big house. How does something so small make so much noise? I swear the little vermon is evil. It is some miniature Russian striped hamster thingy. i am almost certain that Bitty is Stalin reincarnated and has somehow mistaken my german ass for Hitler. But enough of that..I don't want to bore you with tales from the satanic hamster.

i could write about my dad's new conspiracy theory, that being, his brother is trying to murder him by poisoning his coffee. Like he says, he just knew Chris was up to no good when he brought him coffee in the morning. Why else would your brother bring you coffee first thing in the morning when he knows you are stuck in bed with the flu? It has to be for one reason only, to poison you! throwing up 5 hours after said cup of coffee was ingested had nothing to do with the flu.....no sireeee, that was the poison taking effect. And the seemingly kind folks down at the coffee shop who prepared the cup of java to go?....in on it!!...( of course they were Dad, now open wide and swallow these pretty pink pills the doctor prescribed). anyhooo, you don't want to hear about this crazy crap...hell, i wish i hadn't heard it myself.

hmmmmm, what to say.......what to say......oh! paisley and i went to the mall. Well, we tried to go to the mall. We had just gotten over the bridge when she points towards the shoulder of the highway and screams....KANGAROOOOOOO!!!!! I scream....OH SHIT!!WHEREEEE???!!!!..........OVER THERE...OH MY GOD A KANGAROOO....now i get a good look......THAT is NOT a KANGAROOO you idiot......can't be...we don't have Kangaroos in New York City...even if by chance one somehow managed to hop on over i doubt it would hang out on the shoulder of the damn road....but she insisted it was a Kangaroo. so we have to pull over, call animal control, the police and every other emergency service unit she could think of. then we have to back track 15 minutes to get to the Kangaroo and keep an eye on it until the first govt agency arrived.

KANGAROO MY ASS. More like big dog in awkward position!!!!! by the time we called back all the emergency service units, police, ASPCA, the Bronx Zoo and the White House to inform them of our little snafu, it was too late to go to the mall. So I really have nothing to say about the mall trip that never was.

So what the hell do i write about?!!!!!!

i think I will change into a wife beater, have a drink, kick the hamster and read the paper. maybe something to write about will come to me.......

Ban Update

2005-07-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

OK folks new countries added to the list!

St. Lucia and the entire Eastern Carribean
North Korea! According to miltbogs they demanded it! lol
Singapore
Iceland
Phillipines
Beliz
Tonga
Canada
France
Greece

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!!!!!!!

THE MOON! THAT'S RIGHT ISABITCH, FILIUSBLOGGERI HAS BANNED YOU FROM THE MOON.
It is better than I expected. I was just gunning for a world wide ban, in my wildest dreams I never expected it to spread throughout the solar system!!

that will sooo teach rogue psycho accountants to ban me from a country!

And the Ban grows

2005-07-01T07:17:00.000-07:00

Big thanks to CYLI who has added 3 countries to the Isabitch ban!

New Zealand, Siberia and the Czech Republic.

Switzerland....you can keep it

2005-06-30T08:23:00.000-07:00

BUT THE REST OF THE WORLD WILL BE MINE, MINE, MINE!

A great big THANKS to Singleguy who has added Ireland and Australia to the list of countries Isabitch has been banned from.

To recap the official Isabitch Ban list is as follows:

United States, territories and all possesions
Italy
Germany
Britain
Egypt
Australia
Ireland

Where do you live? Add your country to the Isabitch Ban list! Help me save your neck of the woods from the likes of psycho accountants.

P.S. you don't actually have to live in the country you would like to ban her from. simply having a family member or friend in the country gives you the right to authorize a ban.

TOGETHER WE CAN SAVE THE WORLD!

It's official! I am banned from an ENTIRE COUNTRY!

2005-06-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

Initially I was in shock.

"Put HER on the phone right now!" she said to him.

Hesitantly I took the receiver...cringing, wincing, dreading the encounter.

"He is not to visit Switzerland for one year. YOU ARE NEVER EVER TO VISIT AGAIN! Do you understand me?!!!!"

"Yeah, gotcha. ummm, one question...can you really tell me not to visit an entire country?. While i understand your a bit miffed right now...what, with me stealing your boyfriend and all...i feel your being a tad rash? I can understand you not wanting me having dinner with him at your favorite restaurant. I am all for agreeing not to hang out with your friends...and hell, it isn't like I am going to call your parents and invite them to brunch or anything. I feel there is room for negotiation here...don't you?"

Being banned from a country by an accountant tends to piss me off. Prime Ministers..ok..accountants..NOT ok.

i felt like saying "Tell you what sweet cheeks, why don't you take your bean counting ass (no offense to any accountants reading. I respect you as long as you don't ban me from whatever nation you reside in.) to the senate...let's have a full blown vote on the Zooey ban."

Perhaps I should do a little banning of my own!

ISABITCH I hereby ban you from the United States, it's territories and all possesions! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!How do you like them apples?! While I am at it...I have family in Germany, Britian and Italy. ut oh....I feel another Isabitch ban coming on! I also have friends in Egypt....i betcha you always wanted to visit right? Who doesn't?! All those pyramids, archeological wonders...SPHINXS!!!!! What is that i am getting a vibe on.....YOU GOT IT...BANNED!!!!!!!

Sincere Thank you to my visitors

2005-06-28T20:00:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has stopped by my humble blog. I have great gratitude to those of you who have taken time out of your life to comment and or blogmark me. It is amazing to me that anyone would read my dribble. (dribble..what an odd word huh?)

I am new to this whole blog culture. Forgive me if I do not respond and adhere to whatever blogging community etiquette exists. It is due to sheer ignorance. I am a complete computer spaz(spelling?). I can barely work the keyboard...never mind this blogging tool things ma jong.

Thanks again everyone. As soon as i figure out how the hell to set up my link section i will link back to all you wonderful bloggers(whom may i add are far more talented than myself).

Men are like buses

2005-06-16T05:54:00.000-07:00

"Men are like buses. If you miss one there is always another on the way" is what I said to Barry when he asked if I was ok. He had heard that the SwissMister was leaving.

I am always quick with a flippant remark, a wink and a smile. Nothing gets to me. I am teflon. My hair is always done, makeup perfect. I am always tan. During the day I wear perfect preppy casual ala Ralph Lauren. Chic pant suits, are my evening outfits of choice. I own roughly 200 designer handbags and I drive a classic mercedes convertible. Navy blue with light grey interior. I look perfect in it.

In my life many people have come and went. I do not miss them although I may think of them from time to time. My best friend, Paisley has told the SwissMister "You better watch your step. Fuck up and she will throw you away faster than yesterdays garbage." My friend Ant has marvelled at the fact that no man to date has been able to steal my heart. Not even my husband....i am too tough..and of course too shallow for time wasted on sentimental crap like love.

I guess this is why yesterday when SwissMister said he was leaving i did not beg him to stay. I did not tell him that I forgive him for all the ways he has hurt me. i did not ask him to fogive me for all the mistakes i have made. i did not tell him he is the love of my life and i know i will never find another one like him. i did not tell him that he makes my days brighter. i did not share with him the hundreds of little things he does and says that bring me joy. i did not reach out to touch him one last time. i tried not to look at him at all.

Did i really fall for this bullshit?

2005-06-13T19:35:00.000-07:00

i just want to stab myself in the neck when i think that i actually fell for this shit......i mean...how was it even humanly possible for me to at one time..even for a split second, to find this crap endearing in any way, shape or form?

"you are elegant like a bumble bee" (no, i was not wearing yellow and black at the time)

"your hands are beautiful, your fingers like asparagus, the california ones." (I swear to god I am telling the truth here)

"I am melting like icecream in the hot sun" (i know...... i laughed my ass off too)

"your feet are lovely like an antelope. ( an antelope?!!! a fucking antelope?!!!!!)

"i have absolutely nothing to do with HER! She is harrassing me for vitamins." (so they don't sell vitamins in Switzerland huh?)

"honey, I did not go skiing with HER. I was skiing with my brother." (the crippled brother in the wheelchair?!!)

"honey, it is amazing what my brother can do in his wheelchair on the slopes. Really, he is an inspiration to me." (yes, darling a walking fucking miracle he is. Marc and the technicolored wheel chair.)

"I am shaking like an earth quake at the thought of losing you" ( shit...and I thought it might have been convulsions of some sort brought on by a brain aneuryrism)

Yep, it is official. I am a dim-wit. i tried to tell myself it could have been some sort of temporary insanity on my part, but considering i opened wide while he shovelled this shit at me for A YEAR!... I doubt it. Temporary is more like a few weeks...a year could not possibly qualify as temporary.

if i EVER and i mean EVER take a swiss lover again, someone, anyone please I BEG OF YOU! poke me the eye....real hard...make it both eyes!

He has to die!!!

2005-06-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

He is going to kill me!!!!! Him and his B.S is going to kill me.

NO!!! I AM GOING TO KILL HIM!!!!!

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I AM GOING TO MAKE HIM KILL HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!

what do you want to be when you grow up?

2005-06-09T20:43:00.000-07:00

i aspire to be a sociopath. puter guy says i should not tell anyone this. he says people won't understand. they will take it the wrong way? question...which way is the wrong way? and what the hell is so bad about wanting to be a sociopath when i grow up?

for once in my life i want to be totally liberated. free from guilt, shame, self recrimination. it is not much fun to always worry about others. always feeling guilty when i let someone down. always considering the "other" guys feelings. I think it would be a nice change of pace to be totally ego centric for a while. not care about anyone but zooey....saying and doing whatever is necessary to make sure zooey gets what she wants...wonton disregard for anyone outside of ME ME ME!!!!! yeah! that's the ticket!

i wonder if this is at all in the realm of possibilities...hmmmmm...surely one can train themselves to be a socio path....where there is a will there is a way right? i am german, if anyone can create a sociopath it is the germans.

i am getting right on this! puter guy be damned!!!!

REVENGE

2005-06-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

I am thinking i will send gay porn to his office! In care of his partner, of course!!!! i read this little revenge tidbit in a book.

oorrrrrrrrr.....i could borrow five thousand dollars from him and pay him back entirely in pennies! that is a good one too, same book!

THE SWISS MISTER IS SOOOOOOO GONNA GET IT.