Let's talk...Man to Woman

What's Up With Male Midlife Crisis?

2009-06-28T03:04:00.000-07:00

We've all heard about guys going through the dreaded "midlife crisis." Or "male menopause" as women like to call it. Usually this involves a guy who hits a certain age, and suddenly feels the urge to look and act more youthful. The cliché is the middle-aged guy who goes out and splurges on a new sports car.

Evolutionary psychologists believe the "midlife crisis" is real, but it happens for reasons you wouldn't expect. It’s not because the man has reached middle age; it’s because his wife has. The midlife crisis is triggered because his wife is about to enter (or has entered) menopause, meaning she can no longer reproduce.

This in turn makes the man feel a renewed need to attract younger women, in order to have a way to continue producing offspring.

On a conscious level, the middle-aged guy usually doesn't have any interest in having more kids. But on a deeper, primal level, he is being driven to pursue this.

He’s probably not thinking to himself, “Hmm... My wife is getting too old to bear children, so I’d better go out there and find a fertile young hottie.” But his primitive needs are telling him to do so.

A 50-year-old guy married to a 25-year-old woman probably won't experience a midlife crisis. But a 25-year-old guy married to a 50-year-old woman probably will.

So, the midlife crisis really doesn't have anything to do with the man reaching a certain age. It’s about the age of his partner.

While we're at it, here’s another interesting factoid:

The famed "Seven Year Itch" has actually been researched and found to be false.

It's a THREE year itch.

Most couples that have not had a child after 3 years start to feel the pull towards other sexual partners because the union has not resulted in the bearing of a child. Our minds turn off to that person on a certain level because they haven't proven themselves as fertile.

Owen Johnson
The owner of the web site and blog "Let's" Talk....Man to Woman" and author of an ebook with the same title, Owen helps women to understand men better - how men think, what men want and how men communicate - so they can enjoy happy, healthy relationships with men.

Happy Father's Day!

2009-06-20T00:13:00.000-07:00

Father's Day is a good time to remember that men, just like women, have a need to feel appreciated. In fact, for many people, it's the only day of the year a man DOES feel appreciated and then only if he's a father! And, unfortunately, even then some of us are left wanting; I think there were two years my then-teenage daughter ignored the occasion completely and that hurt, take my word for it!

If your father is alive, celebrate him. If he's not, as mine is not, remember him with love and recall the good times. If you're married with kids, show your husband what it means to you to have him as the father to your children. Encourage the kids to shower him with love and appreciation.

Now here's an idea I bet very few people think of and consider doing: If you're a divorced mom, do something to show your ex-husband - the father of your children - that you appreciate his efforts at BEING a father.

A funny thing about men (heck, women are the same) is that if we're shown that we're appreciated for our efforts it makes us try that much harder to do a good job! Whether it's at work, in a relationship or marriage or being a dad, encouragement is like a magic potion for our souls. It's much-needed fuel to keep us going.

I like to say that love is something we have inside; it's not something someone brings us, it's something they bring OUT of us. And the reason we like being loved and in love is what it brings out of us is our best and we like the warm, fuzzy, glowing feeling of being the best person we can be.

The same is true with feeling valued and appreciated: it brings out our best characteristics and makes us WANT to give back, to try that much harder to be the best we can be. It also makes us feel a whole lot better about the person who made us feel that way.

The point here is, if you want an amicable relationship with your ex, the father of the kids you both love, make it happen on this special day. Give him a call and tell him that no matter what, you appreciate him for being a father and for giving you the wonderful opportunity to be a mother to those kids.

To my fellow dads out there, Happy Father's Day!

Owen
coach@man2woman.net
Let's Talk....Man to Woman/

Keys to Bliss

2009-06-14T01:11:00.000-07:00

A few days ago in my post titled Missing Role Models, I mentioned Scot McKay and his work helping guys to be the kind of man women really want. Well, it's time to introduce his wife, Emily, and her work helping women to be more successful in meeting, dating and having a healthy relationship with a man (or men). Ladies, I think it would be a smart idea to visit Emily's web site and even smarter to at least sign up for her newsletter. Or maybe buy one of her programs! Keys To Bliss

You can also find more programs from Emily on my web site at:
http://man2woman.net/suggested_reading.html

Owen
www.man2woman.net

The Fattening of America

2009-06-14T01:05:00.000-07:00

I know you’ve noticed it, everyone in this country has. And if statistics count for anything, there’s about a 50/50 chance you’re part of it. What is it? The fattening of America.

Not long ago, I heard a brief intro to a story on All Things Considered, the daily program on NPR (unfortunately I didn’t get to hear the whole story when it aired because I was at work). It was stated that either 50 or 60 percent (don’t remember exactly, but who cares? It’s bad) of Americans are now overweight and that of those, 30% have reached the level of obesity. In medical terms, that’s the danger zone. To the rest of us, it’s when we shake our heads and wonder how someone can let themselves get so friggin’ fat that they have trouble walking, getting into a car or onto a bus. Forget armchairs or airplane seats.

Obesity causes all kinds of medical problems, such as diabetes, heart disease and of course, joint and back problems. These people often become cripples, can’t work and their problems become society’s problems. Then they die young. What causes it? I don’t know. Why is the problem getting worse? I don’t know that, either. But we know there’s a lot of food consumption involved and that’s voluntary.

Okay, let’s get to the more common issue of people being overweight without reaching the point of morbid obesity. We see this constantly, everywhere we go. And where I live, it’s at least two times more common in women. I would estimate that about half the women I see in my area carry on the average 25-30 pounds of excess fat, excess to the point of what I’d call unattractive. And, of course, the amount seems to increase with age; teenage girls around here are “rounder” than they used to be and too many women in their 40’s are sporting rolls.

What’s causing this trend?

Simply put: diet. Surveys in recent years have shown that fewer and fewer people are actually cooking their meals the way my mother did – from scratch. The last study I read about concluded that fewer than half the meals served to families in their homes are actually made from “real” food – they’re mostly take-out, prepared frozen foods and the like. In other words, you get the ingredients someone else puts in and they put them in to make money, with absolutely no regard for your health. And to make money, they use more and more artificial ingredients, chemicals and seasonings to make theirs taste better than the competition while maximizing their profits. The most common: MSG.

Mono Sodium Glutamate

For reasons that appear to be more political than anything else, MSG entered the food supply without the agreement of the US Food and Drug Administration. And it’s in virtually ALL prepared foods, fast foods and take-out meals. Colonel Sanders used to advertise his “secret blend of 11 herbs and spices” before his company was bought by a conglomerate. Now the Kentucky Fried Chicken “blend” consists of pepper and MSG. Tastes great, doesn’t it?

You’re not safe in the grocery store, either. For reasons I can’t fathom, food companies are allowed to use many different names for MSG so you can’t spot it on the label: “natural seasonings”, “natural flavors” and “spices” being a few of the more common. I even found the word “spices” on a bottle of horseradish! Come on, what IS horseradish if NOT a spice by itself? “Dangerous, artificial, flavor enhancing chemical” is what it should say. Anyway, just try to find a bottle of salad dressing without it. It’s not easy!

Like a lot of people, I react to too much MSG – no matter what they’re calling it. It makes me feel like I drank WAAAYYY too much coffee. So I did some research into it and discovered that MSG apparently can also make you fat! In a lab, if they need rats to be fat, they inject them with MSG when they’re young and from then on, the rats are fat. Without some artificial means, you can’t make a rat get fat – by nature, rats only consume enough food to maintain their ideal body weight.

So, are you getting my connection here? In the years that MSG has been used more and more, and people have been eating more and more processed foods, the weight problems more and more people are experiencing have increased. It’s only a hypothesis but there HAS to be something going on and it makes sense to me. I’m also thinking if it strikes women so much more than it does men, there’s most likely a reason, perhaps the hormonal differences between us.

Now, how does this tie in to the purpose of my site, my book and this blog? Well ladies, in the mating/reproductive/survival of the species scheme, your job is to attract as many male admirers as you can, thereby having a lot of options for choosing the mate. It’s all instinctive. Of course, you want to be able to choose a good man, anyway, for your own happiness.

I don’t have to tell you (I will, anyway) that most men are not attracted to women who are overweight. Sure, it’s a “competition” and if you’re only carrying 20 extra pounds, that makes you more attractive than the woman who’s carrying 50 but you’re still going to lose out badly to the women who aren’t hauling around any extra weight. They’ll be choosing from among the best men, while you’re likely to be left with the losers.

This doesn’t make the men happy, either; they’re all competing for the 40-50% who are somewhere close to our ideal – who are sexually attractive. Of course, they’re not exactly ALL competing, though – many have given up.

What can you do? Eat right, cut out the processed and junk foods and cook healthy meals. If you have kids, they’ll do better in school and be better behaved as a bonus. If you’re not cooking, start. If you don’t know how, learn – it’s not that hard. And get some decent exercise along with a decent diet.

And now for a rhetorical question: What’s up with all the overweight – even obese – women wearing tight clothes and spandex? Are they trying to SHOW OFF the bulges, rolls and wrinkles? Frankly, from a man’s point of view, it’s gross!

Owen
www.man2woman.net

Missing Role Models

2009-06-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

Recently, I received an email from a man named Scot McKay (I’m subscribed to his list), whose work I respect a lot. He teaches men how to actually BE the genuine man women want, thereby making them more successful at meeting and dating. Not to mention, at life in general. In this particular mailing, Scot talked about some market research done by MTV, where they broke down the state of the modern man in our culture. And one finding that was especially shocking and sad is this:

"Over 50% of all North American men, across all socio-ethnicdemographics and regardless of age, DO NOT HAVE AN IDENTIFIABLE ROLE MODEL."

I got to thinking: How could this be? I mean, when I grew up a boy’s father was usually his first and most important role model. From our fathers we learned how to be men and if a guy was fortunate enough to have a father the caliber of mine, a good man.

Somewhere along the line, things started changing. And I think I have some clues – see if you can follow me here.

First, at the same time the gender roles were gradually changing (more women, including mothers, working outside the home) divorce rates began to climb, leaving fewer boys growing up with their fathers in the home. And I’m sorry to have to say this ladies, but a mother doesn’t qualify as a role model for a boy growing up.

Second, along came the feminist revolution, complete with all the rhetoric about women being able to do it all, without a husband and father having much value in the family. Equality graduated into superiority for many women. And there was more movement toward women seeking (demanding?) men to be more like women - break down the masculinity of men and the world will be a better place, not to mention relationships and the family would be more under the control of the women in them. Women fell for it and started insisting on finding men for husbands who were willing to “show their feminine side” and “listen”. You know what I’m talking about: emasculated “nice guys”.

Men, unfortunately, fell for what women were demanding, being the seekers of “female companionship” we are. Do anything, say anything, BE anything to get women to like us and want us. Confused as we were, we were sucked in, basically. But it didn’t work out the way women thought it would: divorce rates skyrocketed. And did you know that women file about 75% of divorces filed in the US? Bottom line, get the guy you think you want and find out you don’t want him after all.

So at this point, you’ve got not only an ever-growing number of boys reaching manhood without having had the benefit of a father as a role model, but those who DO have their fathers around aren’t getting a true masculine image of what they should become. How could they from their “feminized” fathers, who themselves grew up without male role models? (see footnote) And just look at our modern culture, especially TV. In the sitcoms, men are made out to be bumbling idiots who can’t survive their fiascos without being bailed out by their loving and patient (mothering?) wives. More and more movies are based on the same theme or show wussy guys fawning all over the female characters – “chick flicks”. And what about music in the ‘60’s, ‘70’s and ‘80’s? The incessant wailing of men saying they’ll die if the object of their affections should leave them. Is this what being a man became?

To sum it up, we’ve got a couple generations of men who don’t know what a man is supposed to be, the lucky ones getting to raise their sons in the same mold. And women aren’t happy about it, either. How can a woman be feminine if a man can’t be masculine?

Scot McKay, Carlos Xuma and a few others are reaching out to men, trying to teach us to be the real men we were born to be. And the comments and reviews from women have been “here, here!” You can check out Scot’s work at: Deserve What You Want

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

* In a survey taken by Carlos Xuma, responses showed that where 69% of the men in the survey said they grew up with both parents in the home, only 20% said they felt they were given the tools to be masculine.

Great New Stuff!

2008-03-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's been a long time since I posted anything new here. I guess that's what happens when I run an online business AND work a full-time job. And when I DO have some free time, I have a wife who's been waiting (patiently or not) to spend it with me.

Speaking of my wife, she's from Peru and we thought we'd go into the business of importing and selling some nice Peruvian alpaca wool products. Like on eBay. We thought it would give her a chance to have her own little business. But for one reason or another (or several reasons) that didn't work out very well, and I've got some money invested in product that's sitting here in my office. And it cost so much in international transaction costs and shipping, I couldn't believe it!

I decided it's time to turn that over and get my investment back so we're offering these really nice, high-quality handbags, stretch caps (called "chullos") and ponchos at just over cost. Seriously close-out prices. Just for reference, we're offering unisex chullos for $13-14 (plus $5 shipping) that the supplier in Peru will sell you (including shipping) for $35-40. Or how about a soft-as-cashmere 100% baby alpaca poncho for $35 when the Peruvian supplier charges $79.99 for one that's a blend of alpaca and acrylic.

Take a look! http://www.man2woman.net/alpaca.html

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Blame Or Accept Responsibility?

2007-03-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
--Dr. Robert Anthony

This is so true. When you put the blame on others for your problems, you're saying only other people - over whom you have no control - can improve your life. You're giving them total power and control over you. If you want things to change, YOU have to do the changing and you can only do that when you accept the truth that you're responsible for yourself and your life. If things have gone wrong, chances are you're the one who caused it, or at least played a part in things going awry.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

More from Kara: A Mean Little Book

2007-03-25T10:11:00.000-07:00

I was at a Hallmark store the other day and on the counter was a stand with the cutest little 2 inch books. One grabbed my attention because the title was "What Women Say About Men". On each page was a put-down of men. The one I remember was "The more I understand men, the more I like dogs." After reading a couple more I asked the man at the counter if all the entries were that mean-spirited. He said pretty much but that he thought they were kind of funny. We talked more about the commercials, films, and sitcoms that make men look like bafoons. The fact that he's accepted this as how it is made me sad.

I asked him if he thought a book that was aimed at putting down women would sell and he agreed with me that women would be completely up-in-arms. Putting men down has become so common that we don't generally question it. But think about this: How might this attitude be coloring your image of men and how you treat them? And how might that be affecting your current or past relationships? Pay attention overthe next few weeks. Maybe there are some adjustments in your thinking and interactions that could help your relationships with men.

__________________________________________

For more tips about how to make your love life work for you, not against you, go to: Visit AliveWithLove.com often: http://www.AliveWithLove.com

From Kara Oh

2006-06-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

Kara Oh is the author of Men Made Easy, Everlasting Love, and Women Made Easy and the founder of the Aunt Kara's School of Charm, Seduction and Feminine Grace: A Course In the Joys of Womanly Ways

What a Man Should Watch Out For When Selecting a Mate

Do You Know Anyone Who Fits Any Of These Descriptions?

In Women Made Easy, the book I wrote to help men with their relationship delimmas, I describe the kind of women that they should avoid. You might find this list interesting, just in case you or a friend might occasionally slide into behavior that scares men off. Any of the items below that would describe a man, you should avoid them because this advice goes both ways.

1. Avoid any woman who is financially irresponsible. You will end up in a mess. Not making much money is not the same as having poor money management skills. You don't need that kind of grief.

2. Avoid any woman who is angry at men. This is not immediately obvious so you need to dig a bit. If she starts talking about past relationships and begins to get angry, she could end up taking it out on you.

Ask her how she thinks the feminist movement has harmed men and women's ability to create loving, respectful relationships. If she hasn't thought about it, the direction you want to explore is if she thinks it feels good to have a man be her hero, and if she enjoys a man who wants to be the man so she can better enjoy being a woman.

3. Avoid any woman who blames others for what's going on in her life. She'll end up blaming you and won't ever take responsibility for her part of the dance. And it does take two to do the relationship dance.

4. Avoid spoiled women. You can tell by what they expect and how appreciative they are with what others give them and do for them. Spoiled women are like a bottomless pit.

5. If she ever, even once, says something to put you down you are in for some very big trouble. She is an emasculator and she'll cut away at your masculinity.

6. Avoid women who are inconsistent. You don't want to be blindsided by irratic behavior.

7. Avoid women who are emotionally wacky. Women can be emotional but if they are out of control be very, very careful. She can surprise you in some pretty scary ways.

8. Avoid women who are generally unhappy. You want a woman who is happy or you will have to work too hard and will get worn out. This type of woman is too much work and she will never be happy, no matter how much you do for her.

9. Avoid women who have no close friends. She will expect you to be everything for her, which is too much for any man to take on. And there is something intrinsically wrong with a women who has no close friends. She is not emotionally healthy.

10. Avoid women who are easily bored. A women who gets bored does not have enough interests and is not good at finding her own activities. A bored person is boring and not very interesting.

Notice if you have been drawn to these kind of women. Often, men enjoy rescuing women, then wonder why they get worn out and beaten down. If you want a healthy, happy woman, you must expect the same of yourself.

In the beginning of a relationship, everyone is putting their best foot forward. Unfortunately, women can be very good at acting whatever part is required to snag a man. That is one reason you should wait at least a year, probably two, before marriage. In that period of time you will begin to see inconsistencies if she is putting on an act.

Pay attention to how your friends and family feel about her. If they don't like her, that should be a big red flag. They can be much more objective than you can because they are not emotionally invested and they haven't been having sex with her. I married someone my grown son did not like. After we were divorced I asked myself why on earth I would ever want to be with someone my children did not like.

I think you are getting the general idea. Don't get blinded by a woman just because she's attractive or good in bed. If you're looking for a healthy, solid, long-term relationship, you want someone who is basically sound. You'd do no less if you were purchasing a used car.

Choose someone who makes you feel good, someone who makes you feel like a better person because you are with her. It may take a little longer to find her, but it will be well worth the wait.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comments welcome.
To purchase Men Made Easy, click here.

Wishing you healthy relationships,
Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Bragging Time

2006-05-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

I don't do this very often and don't have an opportunity often but this is the best. No, it's not about me, it's about my daughter.

My daughter, Ashley, turned 18 a few days ago but that's not what I'm going to brag about. Ready? In the past 3 days she's found out about TWO college scholarships she's been awarded AND she's been chosen to be the student speaker at her graduation ceremony. This is a kid who failed 9th grade, for reasons I won't go into, and whose mother dropped out of high school.

The scholarships were awarded based on Ashley's ability to write a well-thought-out essay (yeah, out of a generation of kids who can't communicate) and recommendations from her school.

What did I do? Not much, other than teaching her when she was little how much fun reading can be and how important it is to feed your brain daily. In kindergarten class the kids were supposed to draw a picture of their dad doing something he likes to do and Ashley drew one of me reading the newspaper. Seed planted. :-)

Proudly,
Owen
coach@man2woman.net

A Great Quote

2006-04-06T09:14:00.000-07:00

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.--Maya Angelou

What can you change? Yourself. What can't you change? Other people. I found that the Serenity Prayer has helped me many, many times to adjust my attitude:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference."

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Check out my new Delphi Forum! And feel free to post or respond - express yourself!

Why Men Want Sex and Women Want Love

2006-04-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

by Elena Solomon
author of
12 Simple Rules

Men are frustrated with women because they never want sex.
Women are frustrated with men because they always want sex.

Women blame men that they don't know how to love.
Men blame women that they only talk about love but don't want to make it.

Whether you are a man or a woman, reading this article can change your life -
finally, you will be able to get rid of your frustrations about the opposite
gender.

The reason humans want sex is due to the hormone testosterone, which is
predominantly male hormone. A normal male's body produces 20 times more of this
hormone than a female's.

In other words, a male feels the same way after one day without sex as a
female after 20 days without sex. A male that has not had sex in 20 days feels
the same way as a female after more than a year without sex.

Knowing this simple difference, you can already understand the pain of the
opposite gender. It's NOT their fault: they are made this way! It's in our
genes! This is the reason why men are men and women are women.

Men and women are DIFFERENT.
Not better or worse, just different.

A man can father a child every time he has sex, and a woman can only mother a
child every two years or so. This means, a woman HAS TO be picky about who she
allows to have sex with her.

For generations women were paying too high a price for making a wrong choice.
Women that have chosen men with bad genes had a weaker offspring and their
children struggled to survive. Women that have chosen men with good genes had a
stronger offspring and their children survived disproportionably. Those children
were carrying their picky mother's genes and this is why those female genes were
passed to us.

On the other hand, men never had adverse consequences of making a wrong
choice. The more children they produced, the higher was their chance to pass
their genes to future generations, as some of them would certainly survive.
While men were determined to seek better genes too, they had to grab all chances
to procreate coming their way to ensure their genes would be passed forward. The
men that ONLY stuck with one woman (even a high quality woman) were losing
genetically to the men that used all of their opportunities and had many more
children that survived. Those children were carrying their father's promiscuous
genes, and this is why those male genes were passed to us.

By Nature men are made to seek as much sex as they can get, so they can
spread their seed wider.

By Nature women are made to seek as many admirers as they can get, so they
can make a better choice and get the best seed.

Men seek quantity - women seek quality.
This is why men seek sex and women seek love.

Love is the proof that a woman needs to have some assurance that the man will
stick around and help her with the upbringing of the offspring. For a woman, sex
is the culmination of her emotional commitment to a man.

For a man, sex is a physical act that eases the testosterone pressure he
experiences constantly. Only after this tension has gone, can a man feel love
towards a woman. This is why it often happens that men disappear after they got
what they wanted: it wasn't love; it was the testosterone pressure. Sex for men
is the reality check of their passion.

This is why having sex early in the relationship is hazardous for women: the
man has not had the time to develop any romantic feelings for her. He needs time
to develop those feelings, and the only way to do it is through keeping the
sexual tension going for as long as practicable. Sex must be attainable, nearly
possible - but not quite. When the sexual tension is at its peak, its release is
mind-blowing - and once is never enough, which lays a proper foundation for a
future relationship - and love.

Men fall in love through sex; women fall in sex through love.

All of this happens on the unconscious level - we do NOT realize what's going
on.

But the reason why you are here today and alive is because each and every of
your ancestors, men and women, acted true to their instincts and managed to
attract at least one sexual partner and produce an offspring.

So, there is no need to be bitter about men wanting sex and women wanting
love. Those two are the necessary pieces of the puzzle called Survival Of The
Species.

And you'll be better off understanding what the other gender is going through
and giving them exactly what they want: a mind-blowing sex or exhilarating love.

Go get 'em! :-)

Elena
Solomon is a dating coach.

Her latest book "12 Simple Rules" became #1 'Love & Romance'
bestseller in the leading ebook distribution service in just ONE WEEK
after the release. It shows you EXACTLY how you can utilize the natural laws of
attraction and our in-built sexual strategies to win in the game of love.

Get the UNFAIR ADVANTAGE in the battle of sexes!

http://www.12SimpleRules.com/

A Lady's Lament

2006-03-08T23:34:00.000-08:00

Where have all the Hollywood hunks gone?

BY KIMBERLEY A. STRASSEL
Friday, March 3, 2006 12:01 a.m. EST

This year I plan to conduct my own Academy Awards. And in my newly
created category of "Best Red-Blooded Male," I regret to say that I
can offer up only one nominee: King Kong.

Where have all the tough guys gone? Really, it's enough to make you
cry--that is, if all our leading men weren't already doing it for
me. From its earliest days Hollywood has had a glorious tradition
of punch-throwing, gun-toting, testosterone-oozing leading men, and
the world has loved every one of them. James Cagney, Humphrey
Bogart, Gary Cooper, John Wayne, Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Steve
McQueen, Sly Stallone, Mel Gibson, these were men. Some were strong
and silent, some artisans of broken noses and busted rib cages,
some villains, some heroes. But there was no doubt that they had a
reason to walk with bowed legs.

And today? These marvelous males have given way to a new generation
of Hollywood consumptives, metrosexuals if you will, the most solid
thing about whom are their perky cheekbones. Jude Law, Johnny Depp,
Orlando Bloom, Leo DiCaprio, Adrien Brody, Ashton (Ashton!)
Kutcher. I make it a general rule to withhold my regard from any
man I could bench-press on a feeble day, much less those who've
never had need of a razor. If producers are wondering why
box-office sales keep falling, they might consider that America
wants something more from its men than pouty lips and foot-long
eyelashes.

Early cinema specialized in the supermasculine sort, providers and
achievers and gangsters who were always in control. They were cool
("Here's looking at you, kid"), daring ("Made it, Ma! Top of the
world!") and cocky ("Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn"). Some
were tough through their moral rectitude; think Jimmy Stewart.
Others, like Cary Grant, made up for a lack of outright macho with
wit, class and unbelievable suits.

The 1950s brought about yet a new type of tough guy, heroes who
specialized in fighting wars, protecting the innocent and getting
the job done. They weren't "hunks" in today's sense of that word,
but they didn't need to be. They had such presence that they didn't
even need to speak. James Coburn had precisely 11 lines in "The
Magnificent Seven," including such masterpieces as "You lost" and
"Three." But if ever a Western has produced a tougher, more deadly
gun-slinger and knife-hucker than "Britt," I'd like to know. By the
1960s and '70s, these tough guys had also discovered the value of
props. Clint had his .44 Magnum. Steve had his Mustang GT 390. Sean
had his martini.

Starting about 1980, tough guys changed again. This was the
beefcake era, and the guys were maniacs. Arnold Schwarzenegger
terminated everything in sight. As near as I can figure, Mel
Gibson, via "Braveheart" and "The Patriot," single-handedly killed
off the entire English population. Sylvester Stallone sealed his
career with characters named "Rocky," "Rambo" and "Cobra," for
goodness' sake. None of this was highbrow film, but there was
something wonderful about the brute strength. Even women came to
appreciate the, ahem, upside to testosterone-flicks. I know girls
who will admit that they own "Top Gun" for the sole purpose of
watching the volleyball scene over and over.

Sadly, reruns are about all we babe-loving women have these days.
The new Hollywood man isn't noble or daring or silent or even
beefy. He emotes. He is fragile and flawed. He is a 40-year-old
virgin. He is a hobbit. Take a look at the guys who are up for
Oscar nominations, and let's go immediately to the elephant in the
room. Three--count 'em, three--are there for playing men who bat
for the other team. Yes, yes, I loved both "Brokeback Mountain" and
"Capote," but that's not the point.

Some of the older toughies are still knocking around, but it's
getting to be a bit of a geriatric ward. Stallone will be 60 this
summer. Even Denzel Washington is past 50. Eastwood is clocking in
at 76 and has (wisely) taken to playing senior citizens. My hat
goes off to Bruce Willis, who continues to churn out reliable
hard-man flicks, even if the tank tops are now gone. As for the
younger generation, I find myself grateful to Matt Damon, who had
the courage to make two old-fashioned spy thrillers (as Jason
Bourne), the first of which revitalized the concept of a car chase.
Oh, and Vin Diesel rocks.

Where is the next generation of tough guys? They're out there. They
just happen to go by the names Michelle Yeoh and Angelina Jolie.
These are our new bad boys: cool, clever and deadly with a six-foot
samurai sword. Still, call me a traditionalist; I like my heroes
with facial hair, a deep voice and bulging biceps. Which is why,
when it comes to this year's nominees for truly manly men, I'm
sticking with the ape.

Ms. Strassel is a member of The Wall Street Journal's editorial
board.
_______________________________________________

What's your opinion? Agree with Ms. Stassel? Or is Tom Hanks more your type of hero?

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

His Moments of Silence

2006-02-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

This is from Kara Oh, author of "Men Made Easy":

If you have never read Men Made Easy, or if you haven't read it for a
while, you might want to be reminded about what you need to do to get
him to open up...just in case it isn't a habit yet. It has to do with
honoring his "moments of silence." I got an email from a woman who
was asking how to get a new man to talk more. Here's my response:

The best thing to do with a quiet man is to follow his lead for a
while. When you do ask questions, make them not too personal. Find
out what his interests are, then ask questions about those. A
question like, "What do you enjoy best about..." will get him to talk
about his feelings, but in a non-threatening way.

One of the things in my book, which is not even a secret, is how to
get a man to open up. One thing women do too often to men is cut
them off. That's the way we women interact, but men don't do very
well with it. When you ask a question, often, there will be what I call a
"moment of silence." That's when he's gathering his thoughts. And there will
often be several throughout his response, if you give him the
opportunity. Women use those moments to jump in, which never gives
him a chance.

After you ask a question, allow any and all moments of
silence to hang. If you give him time to gather his thoughts, each
time he'll become more and more trusting that you aren't going to
interrupt him. He may surprise himself with what he reveals, because
you have given him the opportunity to feel safe enough to do so.

This technique is laid out in greater detail in the book but this is
enough to get you started. I hope it helps. If you haven't been doing
this technique, give it a try and see what happens. I do this for
Chris and he tells me all the time that I'm the first woman who has
ever seen who he really is, and he is blown away by what good
communication we have. Mostly, I'm a good listener. You can be too.
________________________________________________

For more information about Kara's great book click here.

coach@man2woman.net

Doing Things For Others

2006-02-08T09:30:00.000-08:00

"Hi my problem is that my boyfriend always thinks he needs to do stuff for his women friends.I have men friends and i don't do anything for then because i don't want to disrepect him in anyway possible"

Our mothers tried to raise us to be that way, the way THEY think men should be toward women. Society also influences us to be helpful to women. Come to think of it, all the self-improvement books I've read tell us we should do things for other people with no expectation of anything in return if we want to be happy.

If you want to be happy, go ahead and do helpful things for other men you know. I don't think it's disrespectful toward your boyfriend and if he thinks it is, then that's HIS problem.

I'm in a 12 step program and one thing I learned both there and in some pretty good self-improvement books is if I get upset about something someone else says or does, I'M the one at fault. It's what's going on inside ME, not them, that causes my discomfort. It's my reaction to the world around me, not the world around me, that makes me uncomfortable.

I'm re-reading a fun little book someone gave me years ago, back in a time when I wasn't ready to accept anything anyone else said unless they agreed with me. And I thought all this stuff about how to be happy was a bunch of caca. Well, NOW I find the book enjoyable and enlightening. It's called simply: "Being Happy" by Andrew Mathews. Andrew is a cartoonist, along with being a writer and speaker, so the book has some cute cartoons in it to illustrate his points. If you can find it, buy it!

I'm going to pass on something I've read more than once, this comment regarding the message quoted above that started this post. Notice how this lady ("anonymous" was the only name on her comment) doesn't capitalize "i" except when it's beginning a sentence? I've been told by experts that's a sign of low self-esteem or self-respect. Like when a person does that it's because they don't think they're worthy of a capital "I". I always thought it was just that the person is too lazy to hit the shift key! Maybe it's a combination: the person doesn't consider him/herself worth his/her OWN effort!

Comments welcome. Or email me at coach@man2woman.net

Sexual Strategies

2006-02-07T11:23:00.000-08:00

Sexual Strategies
by Elena Solomon
author of 12 Simple Rules

Have you ever thought WHY men's and women's sexual strategies are so different?

- Why men want sex and women want love?
- Why there are NO books teaching women how to get one-night stands?
- Why women complain about men not loving them enough - but refusing to make love?

If you've ever been frustrated with the opposite gender, I feel for you. I've been there, too. In fact, for nearly two decades of my life I was completely clueless on what was going on between men and women - with disastrous results.

Then I decided I'd had enough and I wanted to learn what the other gender was REALLY looking for and HOW one could master that. In short, I wanted to know what makes men and women tick.

This is what I learned and what every man and woman must know.
Our sexual strategies are deeply imprinted in our SUBCONSCIOUS.
We cannot CHANGE what is there.
We cannot CHOOSE whom we feel attracted to.
We just FEEL it.

Why?

Because, from Mother Nature's point of view, the purpose of life is LIFE itself. It's procreation. In other words, to keep the human race thriving, men and women should have sex and have children.

To make men and women have sex Mother Nature created a mechanism, which drives males and females towards one another. This mechanism is what we routinely call LOVE, or attraction.

Attraction is actually a cocktail of certain hormones generated in our bodies in the presence of someone who appears to be good genes - in other words, a person of the opposite gender who seems to have the capacity of producing a healthy offspring that will survive.

Those hormones make us feel euphoric and excited, and we feel an enormous urge to get in close contact with the person we are attracted to.

This is really what love is all about. It's just the means of making us have sex with each other and make babies.

All those poems about the wonders of love are written about the condition of a human being under the influence of a powerful mix of natural drugs.

And yes, it hits high!
Anyone who's been in love can confirm that.

The thing you must understand is that this process is COMPLETELY UNCONTROLLABLE.

We cannot CHOOSE who we fall in love with.

This is because the purpose of procreation is so important that Mother Nature cannot rely on our recently developed intellectual capacities to make the right choice. Instead, it uses the wisdom of generations BEFORE us to make the choice FOR us. The mechanism of sexual attraction is firmly imprinted in our GENETIC MEMORY.

We are attracted to certain patterns of behavior and physical characteristics. When we come across those patterns in real life, we feel attraction to this person - and we cannot help it.

With all advances in modern science and birth control, we still have the same biological hardware as our pre-historical ancestors. Scientists say that we have the same bodies as our forebears some 50,000 years ago.

It means that when you fall in love (or lust), you do it the same way as cavemen and cavewomen did. You simply FEEL it. You cannot CONVINCE yourself to fall in love – you either feel it, or not.

So, why do men and women use such different sexual strategies?
Why do men want sex and women want love?
Because men and women ARE different.

Not better or worse, but different.

A man can produce a child every time he has sex, and a woman can only produce a child only every second year or so.

So for a man, there are no adverse consequences for having sex with as many women as he wants - the more children he produces, the higher his chance to procreate.

For a woman, it's different. She needs to be selective to secure the best genes for her child. If she makes a wrong choice and falls pregnant from a man with bad genes, her offspring may not survive into adulthood. And she can only produce about 10 children during her lifetime.

This is why men's and women's sexual strategies are so different.

Men seek quantity; women seek quality.
Men seek abundance of sex, women - abundance of admirers.

This is absolutely NATURAL.

This is the reason why you are here today and alive – because your ancestors, men and women, acted true to their natural aspirations. Millions of dead ends of your species vanished into oblivion – and every single one of YOUR ancestors managed to find a sexual partner and produce an offspring that survived into adulthood.

- If your female ancestors weren't picky, you wouldn't be here today.
- If your male ancestors weren't trying to get laid at every opportunity, you might as well never be born.

STOP whining about the tricks of the opposite gender.

The battle of the sexes is the battle for the survival of HUMANITY.

We are made this way.
Accept it.

And learn to use it to your advantage!
________________________________________

To learn more about Elena Solomon and her ebook "12 Simple Rules" click here.

"Why Do We Ride"

2005-11-29T23:27:00.000-08:00

That question was brought up on the Road Star Riders (motorcycle) forum recently. And it brought a lot of responses, like freedom, the rush of the power at our fingertips, wind in our faces, etc.

One guy jokingly answered, “to pick up chicks.” But truth be told, he was actually the closest to the underlying reason more and more men are taking to the road on these roaring, throbbing, powerful beasts on two wheels.

The alpha male mates with more females – in any species. And in today’s society, a culture that has strived to neuter, neutralize and feminize men – and belittle us when we don’t cooperate - we don’t have many ways left to feel and express our manhood. Or to compete for alpha status.

Thousands of years ago men bonded through hunting and fighting. The best hunter or hunt leader and the best fighter became the clear winner in the alpha competition, and thus the most desirable mate for the women. Today, we bond through activities such as sports and the competition also allows us to establish our place in the “pack”. Motorcycle riding with a group or club gives us an outlet for that male activity and competition when we’re a bit long in the tooth and/or wide in the girth for sports. As a bonus, it gives us an adrenaline rush and a feeling of strength.

One might question what competition is there when a whole bunch of guys – who seem to be comrades, not competitors – ride the same kind of bike, one that’s already one of the biggest, baddest, most macho and powerful on the road. Aftermarket. Performance enhancements, chrome for show (like the male peacock, actually) and a good looking machine all make the statement we’re trying to make. They allow us to express our individual values, too. Some like a classic, clean look, some a macho stripped-down look and some just see it in terms of practicality, with accessories to make the bike comfortable for long-distance cruising. Whatever it is, it’s a statement of the personality we’re trying to project. And we drool with envy over another man’s bike if he’s done a better job of making the statement we want to make. Competition.

A lot of women like to tease or belittle men for what they call our immature, macho competition but it’s not silly or immature. If not for the male competitive spirit, you wouldn’t be living in a nice house with heat and air conditioning, you wouldn’t be driving in that nice car and talking on that cell phone you love so much. In fact, we wouldn’t have evolved at all and you probably wouldn’t be here!

And let’s not forget that women compete constantly in an effort to appear to be the most desirable mate. All that makeup and the clothes that bring out your best and cover your worst features, those are for the purpose of attracting male attention, aren’t they? Even when you’re married you do this, ladies.

Now, as to what brings women to motorcycling in increasing numbers, I can’t answer that. Other than the things like freedom, wind in the face, being one with the elements, etc. And maybe to meet men? :-)

This is my opinion, you're welcome to disagree. And comments, as always, are welcome, too.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

What “Should Be” Versus What “Is”

2005-11-06T00:13:00.000-08:00

idealism n 1: (philosophy) the philosophical theory that ideas are the only reality 2: impracticality by virtue of thinking of things in their ideal form rather than as they really are 3: elevated ideals or conduct; the quality of believing that ideals should be pursued

That third definition is good, it means if we’re idealists we strive for ideals in ourselves and our own lives. Where people get into trouble is living life by the other two definitions, thereby expecting others to live by the ideals we choose for ourselves. Or, more accurately, ideals someone ELSE chose for us.

Another way idealism can cause problems is when people use them as a cop-out for not succeeding or having things go their way. For example, it says in the Bible, “the meek shall inherit the Earth.” First of all, we know that’s never going to happen (taken literally anyway) because the meek don’t DO anything. Those who lead are anything but meek; look at politics and big business. If, somehow, the meek were to take over, we’d have total chaos and the human race would fail to survive.

Another place we get loaded up with idealism is in movies and books. Good always wins out over evil, the nice guy always gets the girl and they live happily ever after. In real life, nice guys finish last and they rarely get the girl. But after reading all the novels and seeing all those movies and TV shows, we grow up thinking that IS real life. So we emulate what we’ve seen, read, heard and been told: men put every effort into being “nice guys” in hopes of getting the girl and women THINK that nice guy is the one they want.

Of course, we got a lot of help from our mothers with this brand of ideal, too. They wished it was true and in trying to make life “better” for their kids, they taught their sons to be nice guys and kiss up to women and taught their daughters to expect that and gauge a man by how generous he is and how high a pedestal he puts her on.

Happily ever after? Usually, if people give in to what they think is the way it works – the way it “should be” - they end up unhappy and divorced.

If we become obsessed with expecting things to be as we’ve been taught they should be, it will lead to disappointment, disillusionment and ultimately, anger. If other people don’t live up to our false expectations, we just blame them.

Where do we see this happening over and over? Well, how about the people who don’t do well when it comes to attracting the opposite sex? The overweight woman or 5’ tall man who says: “They shouldn’t care what I look like.”

Nice idea, but we all know the day men stop caring what a woman looks like is the day women will be attracted to 5’ tall men with zero incomes. But these people find it easier, more convenient, to blame the rest of the world than to take responsibility and decide whether they care enough to do something to MAKE themselves more attractive or would rather give up on the idea of mating.

That last example is a good illustration of the difference between what we’re told should be versus our instincts – what “is”. Human nature – our instincts – is wired into the most basic part of our brain, just like every species of animal on earth. But, unlike all the other species, we have religion and society telling us we shouldn’t be that way, we should be something else. And the more we believe it, the more unhappy we become!

And THAT is the way it IS.

Comments, as always, are welcome.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Painful Social Disease

2005-08-31T11:08:00.000-07:00

There’s a social disease running rampant in this country, it’s insidious and has reached epidemic proportions. It has devastating effects on the lives of both the afflicted and the rest of us. It’s an acquired disease; kids don’t seem to have it but adults do, in ever-increasing numbers. In my opinion, due to the nature of our culture and aided and abetted by the Internet, it’s incurable! And it's preventing relationships that could be rewarding and fulfilling.

What is this horrible affliction that’s making so many people miserable? Self-righteous judgmentalism. What’s the cause? Insecurity, fear of not being “good enough”; people will grab onto any opportunity to feel superior to someone else, no matter how illogical or ridiculous it might be.

The best example of this disease is the way so many people today judge a smoker as a second-class citizen. I recently met up with three people from a Yahoo group I belong to, for a free outdoor concert. We were enjoying the company and the music in the beer garden but I started noticing one of the ladies was getting well lubricated by the beer. And she was going to be driving herself home. Well, at some point in the conversation, she blurted out that she has no respect for people who smoke – and all three of her tablemates were smokers! To her, a drunk driver is better than a smoker. Because SHE happens to be the drunk driver.

More recently, I was at a social gathering in a lounge and got to talking to a guy who seemed pretty cool. We were (naturally) talking about the ladies there and he mentioned he wouldn’t be interested in the best-looking one there because she smokes. In other words, that’s his number one criterion for selecting a woman, never mind she might be gorgeous, she might be sweet and sexy, she might be the perfect woman for him.

This is even more prevalent in women, I think. At least from my experience with online dating. He could be rich, handsome and everything she says she wants but if he smokes, he’s out. Now, I know for a fact a lot of these women drink a hell of a lot more than the “one or two” they claim in their profiles. A lot of them are lying about their age and weight, they’re using 10 year old pictures. But in their minds, they’re superior because they don’t smoke.

In the online personals age, of course, is the first criterion and there might be others used to instantly eliminate candidates: his job isn’t dignified enough or doesn’t pay enough, he has kids, etc.

Eliminating is the key here. Let’s just see how that plays out:

Okay, you don’t want to even talk to a guy who smokes: you’ve just eliminated 30% of the men in your age group (that one came first if you’re using online profiles). Then comes his “undignified” blue-collar job: there goes another 20% or so. Kids? Another percentage that will vary depending on your age. He’s lost most of his hair? Same thing. The point here – and the bottom line – is that when you use judgmental criteria to eliminate possibilities you get down to a miniscule percentage of men, maybe 10-15%. And 100% of women are all competing for the same guys!

Now, how about that 10-15%? Some of those guys might be jerks, wussy mama’s boys or whatever. Lousy lovers? If the complaints from women are any indication that’s most of that 10-15%.

And let’s face it, if the guy is that good – good enough for you - he’s probably married!

What’s left for you? Nada! Zip! But that’s okay because you’re “superior” to all of them, right? Or are you? Ask the men who are doing the same thing and see if you’re in THEIR top 10%. Oops! There’s that little detail of the 25 extra pounds you’re carrying around. But you say it’s superficial for someone to judge you based on that!

Food for thought – and it has no calories!

Supreme Court Nominations

2005-07-31T22:16:00.000-07:00

I know this is off-topic but I think women really need to be concerned about the Supreme Court nominations coming from the Bush White House. Why? Because the Bush administration has been pandering to the religious right and a woman's right to choose is in danger!

The latest nominee who's causing a flap is John Roberts, who in the past has worked more in politics than in courtrooms, apparently. And the Bush administration is dragging feet releasing information about Roberts to the Senate. Well gee, doesn't that tell you Bush has something he doesn't want the Senate to know about regarding Roberts' past record and positions?

Click this link to sign an important petition being sent to Senators:

Save the Court

Internet Dating for Women: Can It Work? Chapter 4

2005-07-31T09:56:00.000-07:00

Here's the fourth and final installment of excerpts from Let's talk....Man to Woman:

Wounded bird syndrome

A lot of women will slip something into their profiles about having had negative experiences with men, a bad marriage, etc. Some of them will clearly lay all the blame at the feet of their ex’s. Bad move. The smart guy, a man with any intuition, will see that and think if he meets her he’s going to have to sit and listen to a tirade about her ex or men in general. No one likes a person with a victim mentality. Not to mention, he'd be next in line for the blame. Next profile!

“Are there any good men?”

Insult an entire gender and you shouldn’t expect a member of it to be very interested in having any kind of relationship with you. I’ve seen this used as a headline many times and at one time I was dumb enough to write to the woman and try to show her that there are some good men and I’m one of them. Pretty naïve of me, huh? See, she has such a negative opinion of men, she’s a lost cause. She’s gone through life blaming men for everything that’s gone wrong in her life and she’s not about to quit now! But she still thinks there might just be that one perfect man out there who will fix her problems instead of causing them like all the other guys have done. In reality, no one else caused her problems and no one else can fix them; she created them and will continue to do so.

Bad spelling!

In that Match.com survey the number two peeve was bad spelling and punctuation. Not only does it show a lack of literacy, it makes it look like she doesn’t care how she presents herself. It’s not that hard to type up what you want to say in a word processor with spell check and paste it in, or have a friend edit it.

I met a Russian-born lady (with less-than native English skills) on the Internet who lives in Alaska and she wasn’t having great luck with her profile on Yahoo. I copied it and opened it in Word, did a 5-minute edit and sent it back to her. She pasted it into her profile and her responses increased right away!

Free profiles all over the Internet

A lot of the dating sites (in fact I think all of them) offer a free profile and/or “search for free” and a lot of people sign up for a bunch of them. I don’t know what the thinking is because they’re not willing to pay for any of them and if you don’t pay you can’t contact anyone and usually, no one can contact you! So what’s the point? With some sites you get an email saying someone sent you a message but you can’t see who it was, with others you see who it was but can’t read or respond to the email.

As much as this is a waste of time, what’s worse is the impression it gives if a man checks out several of these sites and sees the same woman on all of them. He’ll think either she’s desperate or not very smart, neither of which is very attractive.

So what’s the point of using the Internet?

This whole idea of “finding a relationship” on a dating site is a bunch of hooey as far as I’m concerned. Yet that seems to be what people think they’re going to accomplish. The reality is a relationship either happens or it doesn’t, whether you think you’re compatible with the other person or not. Chemistry and instincts are what determine it. Can we narrow the field and maybe save some time we’d waste meeting people who aren’t anywhere near right for us? Absolutely! But you still have to meet someone – actually meet them.

When Internet dating first started the premise was that we could use it to meet people we otherwise wouldn’t have the opportunity to meet. And it works if that’s what you try to use it for. Heck, I’ve made friends all over the country and even in other countries! I’ve flown across the country to meet someone and I’ve flown a woman here from the other side of the country. Did they work out? No, but at least we took advantage of the technology and met.
___________________________________________

Comments or questions? Post them here.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Internet Dating for Women: Can It Work? Chapter 3

2005-07-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

Here's the third installment of excerpts from Let's talk....Man to Woman:

“Love to travel”

You might like to travel and a lot of women are really looking forward to doing a lot of it. But I wouldn’t suggest saying that in a profile. Especially if it’s in a list of criteria you’re looking for in a man. I recently read one:

“You are a successful man who has the desire & means to travel.”

This was in the middle of a ridiculously long “shopping list” and to a man it smells of “gold digger” big time! What a man sees when he reads “love to travel” is:

“I want to travel and take the trips I’ve always dreamed of but can’t afford until you pay for them.”

It will eliminate about 60% of the men instantly but probably 2/3 of the women over about 45 say it. They have no idea the message they’re putting across or how self-respecting men feel about women who are after money. Do they really want a man to “buy” their attention and affection? Maybe some do, but to a man, it sounds a lot like the world’s oldest profession.

A lady pointed out to me that if a 50 year-old man wants to “buy” a trophy wife he can get a gorgeous 35 year-old. Why would he be interested in a 50-something woman who wants his money?

“Friends First”

If the shopping list screams “control freak” this one – usually used in the headline of a profile – screams it through a megaphone. Most of us know what the woman is trying to say, that she’s not going to have sex with a man right away, and to most of us that’s fine – we’ll respect that. But we’d respect it a lot more if she’d just say that! See, the problem with her announcing right up front that we have to be friends first is two-fold: First, it says that she has some pre-determined plan (or rules) laid out (a big turn-off for men) and second, a smart guy knows that once a woman puts him in the “friend” category, that’s where he’ll stay. And the smart guy will pass right on by.

Here’s one I read once: “Looking for a friend who will wine and dine me with no strings attached.” And no picture with it. Now, I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t know any men that stupid!

By the way, this tendency seems to be age-related and interestingly, geography related. Meaning it’s prevalent in some parts of the country and unheard of in others. Example: When I was active on Cupid Junction, one day they sent me 13 “matches” and 7 were in my metropolitan area. All 7 of those had an identical headline: ”Friends First!” And no picture. None of the women farther away used that line and they all had pictures.

Now, I have seen profiles that told me the woman actually believes the mushy love stories she’s seen in all those made-for-TV movies, where the nice, devoted friend who stands by her through all her problems ends up being her lover. But it doesn’t work like that in real life very often, does it? In reality, it takes you about 30 seconds to put a man into one of three categories: a friend with no romantic interest, a possible mate you’re interested in and the oh-so-rare, gotta-have-this-one!

Come up with a simple, friendly and catchy headline then in the text of the profile say you’re more comfortable with a man who’s willing to spend some time getting to know each other before getting intimate. That will get the point across without running off the guys you want to meet. Those men will respect you!
___________________________________________

Now, if you put the two mistakes here together in one profile - which thousands of women do - what it says to a man is you want him to spend a lot of money on you with no reciprocation or guarantee of any kind of close relationship. It also says that unless he has money and is willing to spend it on your whims - with no strings attached - you aren't interested in knowing him. What kind of man is THAT going to attract?

Another one that will make a lot of men - the kind of man you'd probably like to have - chuckle is the woman who says in her headline "Just looking for a friend" but then goes on to describe her "ideal" mate. Sometimes she actually has a good idea of the kind of man she really wants, too! But that will probably run him off.

As alway, comments and questions are welcome.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Internet Dating for Women: Can It Work? Chapter 2

2005-07-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

This is the second installment on Internet dating, excerpted from my book, "Let's talk....Man to Woman"
___________________________________
A “Full Life”

A lot of women seem to think men are attracted to them if they talk about how full and busy their lives are: “I lead a full, busy life. I like to spend my free time with family and friends. I do volunteer work, ski, play tennis and golf. I also have a demanding career.” Okay, why would a man be interested in a woman who doesn’t have time for him? Enough said about that.

“Fishing”

Most dating sites want you to list a bunch of your favorite activities and I‘ve seen a lot of women list things like fishing, hunting, camping, watching sports, etc. Things men like to do. Do these women really want to go hunting and camping? I think they’re just listing some of these hoping to look more attractive to the men who do them – “fishing” with a net for something he’ll think they have in common. One reason I suspect this is that a lot of men do the same thing. It’s human nature to say what you think will sell.

The funny part about this tactic is a guy doesn’t usually want to take his wife or girlfriend hunting, anyway! He does that with his buddies, same as golfing.

Long list of parameters or criteria

Most women list all these criteria and parameters they’re looking for, a wish list of things they require in someone before they’ll even meet them. First of all, it narrows the field down to about nothing sometimes and second, if there’s no unconscious attraction there’s no relationship. What if you narrow it down to one guy, then find out he’s a jerk? Or more likely, some a** kissing wuss without a life of his own.

Choosing who you’re going to meet – and by extension, fall in love with – using a list of parameters is totally unheard of in the “real” world outside of online dating. What did we do before it became so popular? Did we have our age stamped on our foreheads? Did we wear a label that says, “I have 2 kids and one lives with me”? I think people who try to use Internet dating sites as their only or preferred way of meeting someone have lost touch with reality. Yeah, I did that for a while and it happened to me! And we become so attached to the idea of custom-ordering someone to meet, finding the perfect person before meeting him or her, we start to get jaded when it doesn’t happen that way.

Look, when a woman has a long shopping list it says very bad things about her to men. One, it says she assumes every guy is going to fall all over himself to win her (yeah, even 50-something, overweight women with no pictures do this), two, it says she really believes she can be that picky and three, it just screams “control freak” to us.
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Our culture has taught you what you "should" be attracted to in a mate and so have your past experiences - your disappointments. But "should" and "are" are two very different things. The real problem is, over the years men have listened to women talking about what you think you want and have adapted accordingly, into exactly what you DON'T want! Some guys have figured it out, that when you actually meet the man you describe as your ideal you either dump him completely or put him in the "let's just be friends" category and go looking for another one just like him!

My suggestion would be to get in touch with your instincts, read a book or two on the subject, and figure out what it is that really attracts you to a man.

Comments or questions are always welcome and appreciated.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Internet Dating for Women: Can It Work?

2005-07-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

Starting today, I'm going to post excerpts from my book, the chapter on Internet dating, with one or two tips per post. Enjoy and hopefully learn! :-)

Internet Dating: Can I Make It Work?

In a word: maybe. Considering how many hundreds of thousands of people are trying to use dating sites to meet Mr. or Ms. Right, those few radio ads for eharmony.com are but a tiny spit in the ocean of failures. If I were to take a wild guess I’d say probably 99.99% of the people on these sites are unsuccessful. I’m basing this on:

My experience trying off and on for probably three years
The experiences of friends, acquaintances and the women I’ve met and become friends with online (mostly long distance)
The hundreds of women I see on site after site, month after month and even year after year, still doing the same things

That last one brings me to the conclusion I’m going to share with you: if you want to have any success in online dating, you’re going to have to do something totally different from what all the unsuccessful women are doing. Considering most of them are doing the same stuff and continue doing it even though it’s not working, that should give you hope.

So let’s go through a list of things women are doing in their profiles that don’t work, some of which men simply know isn’t honest and some of which really tick us off or run us off. And by the way, a man with integrity and self-respect – the man you want to meet – will pass if he senses any dishonesty.

No picture or an old picture

Match.com did a survey and found that far and away the number one peeve is profiles without photos. Basically, no photo, no responses – or not many, at least. But sometimes it’s worse when they use an old one – it’s dishonest and no one wants to meet a dishonest person. Yeah, I know, some men do this too but I’m not here to coach men, am I? (Although I do that, too)

I’ve personally met women I couldn’t possibly recognize from the picture in their profile. Or maybe I recognized her face but her picture gave me no inkling that she was 80 pounds overweight. In the case of old pictures, that’s often the reason they use them: they don’t want men to know how much weight they’ve gained in the last 10 years so they use a 10 year old picture! Really, no one cares what someone looked like 10 years ago.

Now, what do you suppose a man’s reaction is going to be when he meets someone who looks 10 years older and 50 pounds heavier than he expected? Guaranteed disappointment! Not to mention, he’s ticked off because he was deliberately misled. I’ve known some guys who will just walk out on a date when that happens – and I can’t blame them!

Lying about age and/or weight

This is often combined with the no picture/old picture scam. I doubt this is going on much with younger women but it seems like after some magic age it becomes so commonplace, we men half expect it! The problem with lying is, the truth eventually comes out and the guy’s going to be really pissed off when it does.

A friend of mine (he’s 59 but in excellent shape and looks younger) told me about a lady he met on Match.com – he was actually pretty excited about her after a couple of phone conversations with her. For their first meeting she invited him over to her house for dinner and not many women are that trusting! Well, in her profile she said she was 56 but when he was at her house she admitted to being 63. With hardly a word he got up and walked out. Can you blame him?

The real killer about this lying and misleading is some of these women who do this are adamant in their profiles that they want an honest man, some even questioning if such a man exists! Excuse me?
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I've heard and read countless complaints from women about how men in online dating mislead or outright lie in their profiles but the truth is, women do it, too! I'm going to guess in at least equal amounts.

In my own efforts to use online dating sites I came to an interesting conclusion: Even though most women say they want to meet an honest man, the more honest I've been in my profiles the less interest I've gotten!
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As always, your comments are not only welcome but appreciated.

Owen
coach@man2woman.net

Are All Men Dishonest?

2005-07-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

I was reading a lady’s blog on myspace.com and she said she was about to give up on men, something to the effect that men are dishonest. We hear and see that so often, to men it’s a sad, sick joke. Almost any man will say that most women lie all the time!

I’m a firm believer that what you project you will attract, or call it karma if you’d rather. The point is, if you’re dishonest, people will be dishonest with you. If you’re honest, you’ll attract honesty. And if your perspective is that men aren't honest you'll be imagining lies where there aren't any. You'll never trust a man and without trust you simply can NOT have a healthy relationship.

We see it all the time in online personals, women bemoaning the lack of honest men, while they lie about their age or weight (or both) or use a 5-10 year old picture. It’s so commonplace that men in my age group expect it! But as we all know, the problem with lying is that eventually the truth comes out, right? And the person you’re meeting I can guarantee will be disappointed – at LEAST! Try pissed off, disillusioned, angry, whatever. Just as YOU would be if he did it.

You want to know the real downside of a woman questioning the honesty of men in general? She's blown her chance with honest men! Why? Well, no honest man with integrity wants to be with a woman who will always assume he's lying, a woman who will never trust him. It's not worth it!

I was just telling a lady who wrote for advice on her “boyfriend” that the two occasions when a man is most likely to lie or mislead is when he wants to get into your pants and when he wants to keep you around, assuming he thinks the truth won’t work. Well, that’s something we seem to have in common with you women: you’re most likely to lie when it comes to affairs of the heart, too. When you want a man to be interested and when you want to keep him around.

I recently read an article about lying in our culture, how it’s gotten so mainstream. I think that’s sad!

Oh, by the way, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Ready? A man can usually tell when a woman lies to him. I’m not going to tell you how because we like having that advantage.:-)