Dr. Phat Tony's

Got To Love G4

2007-11-01T21:35:00.001-07:00

Got to love G4 tech humor.

The History of LOLCats - Watch more free videos

Dead Offenders

2007-10-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

I like "dead offenders" too.

This is my first time using blogger video so let's see how it turned out.

Not so Good...

2007-09-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

when it comes to advertising a new airlines coming to town. I'm thinking that Skybus probably won't be buying advertisement space at the Chattanoogan any time soon.

Click to bigerificate.

Tis Talk Like a Pirate Day

2007-09-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

Today be talk like a Pirate tide. Sea dogs an' land lubbers ortin' ta take some time t' reckon that global warmin' an' th' decrease in sea dogs be directly related.

A Little Accident

2007-09-04T14:14:00.001-07:00

I knew I was gonna have a bad day when I rear ended the car in front of me.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said... "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

B-Cack Update

2007-08-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

B-Cack (my embedded reporter) found time to shoot off a piece for the blog. Enjoy.

Phat Tony,
Sorry dude, it has been a long time sine I've sat down and fired off any messages to you. I would like to comment on this "Baghdad Blogger" asshole: I know you are talking about the "Weaver Weapons System" in your Blog, and I find it fucking hilarious. Anyone who was in the military and especially anyone who has been over here knows that those stories are bullshit. First of all, our kids are too busy dodging IED's and killing bad guys to worry about running over dogs. ( By the way there are HUNDREDS of wild dogs that roam the streets of Baghdad, so I wouldn't be surprised if one or two got ran over on occasion, so there is your small "truth" that probably came from this losers story. As for the local woman whose face was "melted" being made fun of in the chow hall? Well, it may be sad to say, but the locas aren't in our chow halls. There are a few civilian workers, but I seriously doubt some local woman made her way onto a camp and entered a chow hall. I raise the BUllSHIT flag nice and tall.
I find it pretty Goddamn pathetic that people back in the states are so fucking enamored with stupid ass stories like this? I mean if you want to get outraged over something, why not get EXTREMELY pissed about the Iranian influence over here, in terms of PERSONNEL (yes) and weapons ( oh fuck yeah) Well, I better get some rest, I have a lot of work to do here before I come home.... Hasta B-Cack

For A4G

2007-08-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

Remember when I was making A4G jealous with my awesome Greg Gutfeld original? Well, I want to apologize to A4G and say that I will not mention my picture of a book, hippo, and cat/dog hybrid again.

I will however show off my newest Greg Gutfeld original showing Unicorn Jones and Fluffy McNutters (cat/dog hybrid) cruising in a convertible. In your face A4G!

Earp-a-rific

2007-08-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

So Wyatt tried his best to come up with an embarrassing badge for Philadelphia’s finest for doing something stupid, instead of stopping the bad guys. Bless his heart for trying. I thought I could help him out just by posting one of the pics found in his personal online collection. Remember the last time I did this? This one is a instant classic. Although it's Wyatt's normal Saturday night apparel, it would embarrass other officers to dress like this.

hat tip to the adopted kid

Insensitive War Stories

2007-08-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

So this whole Beauchamp thing seems to have people up in arms. Do I think the kid is a liar? I think he’s an exaggerator at best. I knew a guy like him in the Army and to cover up the fact that he never did anything super cool, he would take a story and blow it up beyond recognition. For example: He once said that he had a bad jump while at Bragg and ended up landing in the Delta compound. What really happened was that a jump he was on another plane had it’s jumpers out in the wrong spot and they ended up in the trees. You see he took a true story (a bad jump), then inserted himself in the story and embellished it so instead of trees it was the Delta compound. The story of course became more fantastic every time you heard it. The last time I heard it not only did he land in the Delta compound but Delta force came running out where he landed with MP5s ready to blow him away. Of course it was hard to lie to other soldiers. It’s a small Army and a smaller MOS. There were people in my unit that were also a part of this jump and new the DZ was no where near the Delta compound.

Now Beauchamp’s story of making fun of a lady with the melted face is probably partly true. Do I believe him and his friend made jokes at this lady’s expense? Sure, but not where she or anyone else besides the people that thought it was funny could hear, and from what seems to be coming out not because the stress of war.

I actually have a similar story to the one Beauchamp told. When I was at Camp Bondsteel, there was a Kosovar that worked in the sew shop that had a gimp arm. It was a birth defect, and other than her arm, she was fairly hot. There was a soldier in my unit that joked that he would get some "nub love" before the deployment was over. Of course, he would never joke about it in front of her (I think he was really trying to get some) and we all joked about it also. Soldiers are pretty insensitive. We had our nickname for her and though it was mean no one in my unit would dare to say something that would hurt her feelings anyway. Now what it seems like to me is the Beauchamp is relaying a similar story. They probably were making fun of a woman who was injured; where she could hear it though is doubtful.

Giving You The Finger

2007-08-01T07:33:00.000-07:00

I thought that maybe the pictures of the finger might be to graphic for some. So, I'll give those who won't look at flesh busted up the X-ray to look at.

My finger will grow if you click it.

Break Out

2007-07-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

It took 29 years but I finally did it. I broke my first bone. Luckily I also had a camera phone to take some wonderful pictures. I would write how it happened, bu my one handed typing skills has already made this post time consuming. Stupid broken right index finger. Oh, for those who are counting; the bone is broken into 5 seperate pieces, and after 24 hours it's still bleeding.

WARNING!! IF YOU ARE FAINT OF HEART OR WEAK OF STOMACH, DON'T SCROLL DOWN!

LAST WARNING!

NO SERIOUSLY!

Alright it's not that bad. Click pictures to biggerize them.

Stupid

2007-07-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

...or egocentric?

Silly French man, Galileo grew up just next door. Maybe you need an Italian phone a friend next time.

Huh?

2007-07-20T10:52:00.001-07:00

I don't even want to know if they found the place they were looking for.

click picture to engorge

A Fallen Soldier

2007-07-19T09:05:00.000-07:00

I just received word that a friend of mine, Jeffery McKinney, died in Iraq last week. What made it so shocking is that Will sent me an email and I was so stoked that he contacted me, it was a big let down to hear that his team leader from Eco 51st INF died last week.

1st Sgt. Jeffery McKinney, or as I knew him, Ranger Mac was a good man, a great soldier, and one of the funniest guys I knew. He will be missed and the Army has lost an asset.

I’ve been racking my brain, trying to remember a funny story involving Ranger Mac. My room mate, Expletive Delph (and also B-Cack), was on his team and I always remember that Expletive Delph would blame me for everything wrong in our room. I did the same to him though, so it always seemed to work out. I plan on making some phone calls tonight hoping to jog my memory so I can update this post with a good story.

RIP Range Mac

I Get...

2007-07-18T18:36:00.001-07:00

...the strangest phone calls.
click to bigify

It was tough to get that call also. The condo I was in (went to the beach in LA lower Alabama where Spacemonkeys live in their natural habitat) had crap for signal. I had to leave my phone next to the window to get anything. I will say that I was this [---] close to meeting the legend that is Spacemonkey. I can settle for a phone call though.

Memes in the Corner of My Mind

2007-07-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

A4G Point Five memed me. Which is only as half dirty as it sounds. Probably wanted to breathe some life into my “blog”; whatever that means. So without further ado,

The rules:

1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. (I finished part one and half of 3 already.)
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them the have been tagged.

Here I go:

1. I am male and therefore have a penis. This is incontrovertibly a fact, despite what you’ve heard.
2. I married a female who does not have a penis. Also a fact, just not as random after the first one.
3. Wyatt took me off his blog role. He is a jerk for doing this. (This is a two-fer fact)
4. I would like nothing more than my neighbor’s dogs to be run over by cars. Not my car mind you, anyone else is fine by me.
5. I can say water in five languages. This has never helped me score with a chick. (Another two-fer fact)
6. A cat once bit my nose while I was asleep. This cat’s teeth were very pointy and sharp. As long as I distinguish a singular cat this is still a fact; both action and description.
7. I can raise my left eyebrow without raising my right, but I can’t reverse and raise my right without raising my left.
8. As I wrote that last fact I spent a few moments trying just to end up making faces at the computer monitor. No one walked by to see me.

I’m tagging:
Professor Hawkings
Contagion
Insolublog (for the same reason as everyone else. To coax him back to blogging.)
AJ
And four other people who feel like being tagged.

I Won

2007-07-03T12:37:00.001-07:00

So I received this envelope in the mail yesterday.

I immediately thought that Greg Gutfeld from Red Eye was worried about me, because of my lack of blogging. I thought that right up until I opened the envelope and found this.

I forgot all about naming the picture Greg drew. Now I would never accuse some one of tracing, especially when they state clearly that they're "Drawing the News", but this paper seems awfully transparent. Greg, since I know you frequent my sight at least five times a day, I have a request. Next time I win one of these would you mind enclosing the transcript of what you said about it when it airs? Also, please lie to me and say you at least drew Fluffy McNutters free hand.

The Difference

2007-06-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

Fred Thompson and Hillary were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.

Now, do you understand the difference?

This is Just the Beginning

2007-06-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

Can Fred Thompson glare down a round house kick? This could be the most exciting presidential race ever.

The Yard Counter-Offensive

2007-06-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

In the last two weeks, I’ve had to destroy two potential terrorists. The domestic terrorists are part of my neighborhoods urban wild life. At first I thought it was just that the wildlife had lost their respect for humans and cars, but then I put the pieces together and realized that it was a concerted effort to harm me. Two animals went on suicide missions and tried their best to make me swerve and cause an accident. What they didn’t realize is that I’m a steely eyed killer and will run them over with out a second thought (I guess they didn't see what I did to the goat). Unless, of course, they are big enough to do real damage to the car. Luckily I don’t think they read my blog, so this sensitive information shouldn’t fall into their hands. If you tell them about this, I’ll run you over too. That mocking bird and squirrel are now getting their just deserves in a special place in hell, probably animal hell.

I’m not going to stand by though and let these creatures intimidate me. I’m devising a plan now to take back my yard first and then my neighborhood. I’ve done some recon and have found out the specific strengths of this insurgency. They have a well staffed airforce with approximately 15 mocking birds, 25 robins, 8 blue jays, and at least one wood pecker. The airforce also looks like they employ the help of tons of mercenary black birds. There ground forces appear to be mostly squirrels, number unknown. The leader, which I have only seen a few times, is a rabbit that stays well hidden during the day and attacks at night.

Do to the restrictive laws in the city (Damn elected officials trying to run my war), I’m not allowed to use fire arms to eliminate their forces. Instead I’m only armed with rocks, a 2x4 and a garden rake. At this time the insurgents know the limitations of my weapons and have countered appropriately by staying just out of range of the 2x4 and rake. The rocks have the limitations also. If the rock is big enough to actually harm the insurgents they are inaccurate at best. The smaller rocks, which are accurate, lack the mass and speed necessary to lay waste to those little bastards. I have a second in command (my dog) but she is worthless. She has the tools necessary to take back the yard but is just too lazy to do anything. I would fire her but I don’t think she would care, even if she noticed.

I’ll report the casualty/losses as they happen, so keep informed by coming back.

Casualty/loss report:
Alliance of people sick of animals not being scared of him: 0

Insurgents: 1 squirrel; 1 mockingbird

Gun Pron

2007-05-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

Ya for gun pron. What's really great about this weapon is that it uses 22lr. What a great way to waste 6 bucks in a few seconds.

Put it on our site.

Put it on your site.

Unoriginally Funny

2007-05-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

Since I'm to ~~busy~~ lazy to write my own stuff. I'll give you this.

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,

" Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

What in the World

2007-05-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

Want to know what's going on in the world?

Try this Map.

I thought it was pretty cool.

The Mystery That is Fred

2007-05-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm doing my part to coax him to enter. You should do you part by buying some swag.

Beware the Glare!

Who’s Crazy Now?

2007-05-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

“I've been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help me out, yeah? When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you're just sitting around, reading "Daily Kos" (editors note: changed to make sense with the subjects), masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, "Wow! It is amazing how fu**ing crazy I really am!"? Yeah. Do you guys do that?” -Detective Mills

There are rumors that Rosanne Barr is to replace Rosie O’Donnel on the View. Now both of them are certifiable. I’m pretty sure that neither of them thinks of themselves this way. I do wonder who they think is crazy though. I’m fairly sure that crazy people find their own twisted logic to be completely normal, but I wonder who crazy people think are wacked out of their minds. Like did the VT student Cho, ever say: “Jeffery Dahlmer was one crazy wacko.” Did Manson ever say “That Hitler guy was a few boy scouts short of a jamboree.” Has a “Truther” ever pointed at a Moon Landing Denier and said, “Those guys need to take off their tinfoil hats and look at the facts.”

Just wondering.