Adoption Ramblings

The Archives are open

2008-06-27T15:05:00.002-07:00

This is my old blog, the blog that made me love blogging because of the wonderful other bloggers who comment, support and teach me things. This is the first part of our journey. I closed this blog because of a terrible adoption agency who was reading it and making threats and because of some terrible blog world misunderstandings. I went password protected for awhile. But now I think it is time to share the archives with some of my new readers at the Away2me blog. That way it can be seen in writing, how far we have come.

You can follow the rest of our journey at:

www.away2me.typepad.com

See you there!

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T07:10:00.000-08:00

First I'm going to say Happy New Year.

Secondly I'm going to make things very clear because it is obvious from the comments I've received that I didn't' make my points clear enough.

I am NOT anti-birthmother!
I am NOT against interracial marriage or adoption
I am NOT against gay marriage or gay couples adopting
I AM against people who invade the privacy of others for their own benefit.

I don't think I can be much more clear than that. Any questions?

Now, I'm done here! I'm starting over at a new location. If you are someone who wishes to continue this adoption journey with me leave a comment with your email address and I'll send you the new address and password.

I want to start over in 2006 with a little more anonymity. I've learned that no matter how clearly you think you state something, someone will turn it around to fit their agenda.

I wish everyone here the best of luck in 2006!

Infertility, more than just a bad day.

2005-12-15T10:53:00.000-08:00

I learned about this article from another blogger and boy did it hit home for me. I'm a very happy person. I'm always the one laughing, telling jokes, cheering someone else up, etc. So for me to admit that infertility has been really difficult, well, it just feels like I'm whining. I don't think I've really complained once to anyone other than Alex. I've mentioned to my mom and a few girlfriends how much some of the drugs suck and how I hate the way the adoption process is working right now, but I've never admitted how much I'm mourning not being able to get pregnant and carry a child.

Please read the last paragraph carefully, I think it sums up things very well. I'd love to know what others think about this.

Beam is In!

2005-12-13T16:27:00.000-08:00

Woo hoo! The temporary "walls" are down and the support beam is in. We now have a wide open area. I can't wait to get all the drywall up and then start on the cabinets, floors, lighting, etc!

Old Wall Coming Out

2005-12-13T11:09:00.000-08:00

So the old wall is coming out and the new beam, which is 24 1/2 feet long, 16 inches deep and 8 inches wide, will go in today. The photos are of the temporary wall they built last night to hold the ceiling up when the take the old wall out and put them new support (the beam) in. Make sense?

My ramblings

2005-12-13T10:52:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry my ramblings haven't been about adoption lately. I know that is the purpose of this blog and the reason most of you read. It's just difficult right now to think about adoption. It's been, so far, a very painful, miserable experience.

So instead of adoption type posts I'll probably be posting about things that make me happy right now. I'm throwing myself into my hobby of herding with my dogs. That has been such a wonderful distraction from all the adoption crap. We are also remodeling this house, so that keeps us very busy. I'll post pictures of the remodeling project as it continues.

Sorry I'm off subject, I just thought I would let you all know why I'm off subject. If anything, adoption related happens, I'll be sure to post it, until then, this blog might be a little boring.

I'm back...I'm sick

2005-12-12T09:23:00.000-08:00

I'm back from the trial with Grace and Juanita. They both did so well. I'm so proud of my girls. Juanita was a show stopper! Grace was her amazing self and won way too many goodies this weekend. I won a cold and I'm feeling terrible today. I missed Survivor last night but we will watch it tonight, thank goodness for TIVO.

The guys are coming over this morning to start knocking down the wall so I won't be able to sleep much. I hope to post more later... when I feel better.

Gone till Monday!

2005-12-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

I'm off to a dog trial this weekend. I've been busy all week and I'm exhausted and I think I'm getting the head cold Alex is jut getting over but I just can't stop myself from going to the trial this weekend. My close friends L and C are going to go and some other friends (new friends) J and L are going to be there this weekend also.

Alex was supposed to go with me but he can't go tomorrow because he's training some new guy from Nor Cal. So me and the "Girls", Gracie and Juanita are going to go. Juanita is actually going to enter a class this weekend. She hasn't had a trial since June so I'm very excited to see how she does. She has quite the fan club now!

The best part about being away till Sunday night is that I can't obsessively check Julie's blog to see if she is home from Guatemala with Dylan! I'm so excited for her and Marc!!!

Good News

2005-12-05T12:36:00.000-08:00

The trouble-making-no-good-lying-back-stabbing-piece-of-nothing-"adoptive-couple-counselor" at our agency... is no longer there! Woo Hooo, Yippeeeee.

I don't know if she was fired or if she quit but I'm glad she is gone! I sent her an email today asking for some paperwork and the email was bounced back. So I called the office and asked for her and after a long pause I was told, "** is no longer with us, would you like to speak to ** who is taking her calls"?

Yes! I think I do want to talk to the new person. I called up my hubby and told him and he wants us to go meet with her in person, tell her what happened in the past with this agency is in the past and non of it matters now. We are just happy, waiting, hopeful parents!

Remodeling Continued!

2005-12-04T15:52:00.000-08:00

So we worked all Friday on removing the stone off the front of the house. It went pretty well. As you can see from the photos we still have to stucco the area where the stone was removed and then paint. The guys in the photo are my brother G. (left) and Alex. I think this is going to look great when it is done and when it is landscaped. By the way, that front window is the window to what will be the baby's room.

A little hung...

2005-12-03T05:43:00.000-08:00

Over. Yes, I have little a hang over. I don't drink much so it doesn't take much to make me tipsy and it takes even less to make me feel like hell the next day.

Yesterday my brother G and Alex got 99% of the stone off the face of the house. I'll post pictures later. I decided to have Thanksgiving dinner, because we didn't get any left overs when we went to his Alex' mom's house. So I cooked a turkey, mashed taters, gravey, greenbeans and stuffing. My brother's girlfriend (42 going on 16) and her daughter (15 going on 8, I'll post about them another time) came over. It was a very mediocre evening, but the food rocked, if I don't say so myself. Bro and I called our dad, after we both had had too much to drink. Everything was fine until dad drops the bomb on us that our niece, who just moved in with him and her father (0ur other brother, S) is moving back with her wacko mother on January 1. When I asked why that is happening he said, "well, she wants her back and we don't want to fight with her, she's nuts".

So to make a long story short my dad is really upset with me and told me he doesn't want to talk to me for awhile because everytime I talk to him he feels like I'm lecturing him. He's mad because I told him I thought both he and my brother S are asses if they don't fight to keep that kid. She's in a good home, good school and she's doing well. She moved there three weeks ago! The "mother" didn't even have a place to live last I heard. I'm so mad I could scream. I'm trying like hell to be a parent and my idiot brother doesn't even fight to keep his kid. She's 6 and I know she's a lot of work and I give him credit for going and getting her. He's a very good dad, my dad can't believe what a good dad he is. So why the hell do they not fight to keep her. All my brother has to do is say to his ex-wife, "no problem, just fly out here and get her". She doesn't have the money and won't be able to get her. In the mean time he should go talk to one of those father's rights attorneys and see what they can do for him. My niece deserves better than being shipped back and forth between stable and crazy. Last night on the phone my brother G said, "whose your favorite uncle"? She said, "You are". I said, "whose your favorite aunt"? She's said, "You are Aunt Deanna"! So my brother G said, "Who loves you the most"? She said, "My daddy"! If that doesn't speak volumes about how content that kid is right now, I don't know what does.

My dad went to the school yesterday to meet with her teachers. She loves it when her "gampa" goes to school with her. She's in a really great school and the teachers are super. She's doing well, but is struggling in some reading and math but heck, she's only 6 and she's been out of school most of the school year because of her mother!

At least I'm not the only one upset by this, my brother G was just as upset, at least two of us have brains! G just doesn't fight with dad. I know however, he'll call our brother S and have a talk with him. I hope it works.

Remodeling

2005-12-02T05:57:00.000-08:00

So here is the "before" and "during" version of the fireplace. We don't care for the dated stone work around it. My brother is inbetween jobs right now and could use some extra money so he is going to do some remodel work around here. Job number one, remove the ugly stone so that we can do real brick work. I think he did a really good job getting that stone off without, A.) taking out our TV, dogs or wall. and B.) leaving the basic structure of the fireplace still intact. and C.) cleaning up afterwards! Hopefully I'll be able to post a "after" photo soon.

The bid from the contractors to take out the wall between the kitchen and the family room came through in our price range. So we are going to forward with that. It's a load bearing wall so this is no small project but I think the results will be fantastic. It will basically make the room a great room and it will expand the dining area. From where the pass through window currently is to where the counter top in the kitchen stops, it will be a half wall. From that point on it will be no wall. I hope the pictures above help.

Changes

2005-12-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

As you can see I've removed some things from my blog. I will not be talking about or trying to do anything about our adoption situation, other than being patient, waiting for the right baby to find us and having faith that everything will work out.

Thanks everyone for your concern. I'll still be blogging about things, even adoption things but it is time for me to stop worrying about the things I can't control.

I hope to post pictures of our house being remodeled. My brother is suppose to come over today and start removing the stone from the fireplace. Yeah, that she be a clean task!

Long Day!

2005-11-30T18:05:00.000-08:00

I just got home from a very long, hard, day. I thought I would wrap things up around 1 or 2 at the farm. No such luck. I didn't leave until 4:00 and I left the house at 6:20 am. My arms are sore from holding my big lens and heavy camera all day and my feet are sore from walking all over a huge farm, through pastures and up and down hills.

The good news... the people were great to photograph, the lighting was wonderful, the horses cooperative and my drive there and back was nice and uneventful.

The even better news. My wonderful husband is fixing me dinner!

Good Dogs!

2005-11-27T14:01:00.000-08:00

Picture of my two little ones, Porter and Juanita not the cutest thing ever. They love to sleep next to each other. I caught them this morning catching some rays.

Happy Turkey Day

2005-11-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and their families. The on-line friendships I have formed in the past few months are just one more thing to add to my list of things I'm thankful for.

Take care everyone!
Deanna

Thank You

2005-11-22T17:04:00.000-08:00

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I wish I could offer you more information but I just don't feel I can at this time. Things changed again as of this morning. Another phone call, another explanation and another devastating blow to my heart and to Alex's heart.

I was having chest pains all last night and I have a headache and an upset stomach right now. I'm going to try not to think about our adoption situation and I'm going to try to stay off the computer tomorrow. I might update if I can tomorrow evening. I think I'm going to take a long drive and see a friend and take my dog. I need to get away from everything negative. I'm too young to have this kind of stress and I shouldn't be having these kinds of pains in my chest. The pains are gone as of this afternoon but it worries me that I had them at all. It might have been from the shots I got Sunday for the bee sting but something tells me it was from getting so upset, maybe a combination of both.

I spent all afternoon outside with my dogs and that helped my spirits a lot. When I returned there was a note on my door from a local florist, someone tried to send us flowers. I don't who sent them, I'll try to pick them up tomorrow.

I promise I will give details when I can. Thanks again for listening to me and for offering support. It really, really helps!

I don't think I can do this

2005-11-21T22:24:00.000-08:00

I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't blog about anything specific regarding our adoption journey. I don't even know if I can adopt anymore. I don't know if all this emotional pain is worth it. I think I would rather donate my body to infertility science than have to deal with the lies, betrayal and gossip that has hurt us so much.

Today I believe was the beginning to the end of this journey. I received an email from someone that I wasn't suppose to get and boy did it surprise me. I know I'm probably not making any sense right now but my head hurts from crying and I'm so upset I can't think straight and I'm afraid to type anything more specific than this for fear of who reads my blog now. You see no matter how much someone seems to like you and no matter how much they pretend to be looking out for your best interest, it's lies all lies.

I didn't play the game. Some of you warned me. You warned me to just get along. Well, I didn't. I can't stand playing games and letting people get away with lies. When someone lies to me and I find out I call them out on it and it has come back to haunt me. I don't regret standing up for us and even though this journey isn't working out the way I wanted it to. I know I can live with myself for standing up for what is right. I have the respect of my husband and my own self respect and that's more than I can say for the people who made the mistake of lying and treating us poorly. I know that when I say something I stand behind it. If I'm wrong I own up to it and I make apologies and make things right. I don't hide behind others or place blame elsewhere. I don't spin things so that they don't seem as bad as they are and I don't lie to get myself out of trouble.

I can't say the same for our "partners" in our adoption journey. I feel the knife in my back right now and I can't sleep tonight because of it. I don't know what our next step is and I don't know how to handle anything regarding this situation. Heck I'm so upset I don't remember if I took something for my headache a few minutes ago or not.

Once again I'm sorry this is just unintelligible ramblings. I'm just so upset that I can't think straight and I'm afraid to be more specific right now. This is horrible and I hope nobody else adopting ever has to be made to feel the way Alex and I were made to feel today. It's awful, its cruel and it makes adoption a very ugly thing to us right now. I hope we can get over this but I'm starting to doubt it.

Of all the things

2005-11-21T05:14:00.000-08:00

So I went to the dog trial yesterday. Gracie was so much better! She was second on sheep and earned her last qualifying score for her title. She now has her advanced herding title from the AKC sanctioning body. Which makes her GRACE I, HXAs. She also won her duck class! After her duck class I sat down to eat a burger and diet coke with my friends who came to watch her. I had a few bites of my burger and then I took a sip of diet coke and felt the bee in my throat! Gross!!! So I spit him back up but I could feel he had stung me. I was okay, it stung like it would if you had been stung on the hand but I wasn't feeling any swelling right away. An older lady there who I know had some Benadryl in her RV so I took four of them. About 10 minutes later I could feel it starting to swell so I called Alex and told him to meet me at the emergency so he could take care of he dog. By the time I got to the hospital I couldn't swallow and I was getting pretty scared. I couldn't talk to fill out the forms so he had to give them my info. They gave me a couple of shots and after about an hour the swelling was going down and I was feeling good enough to talk and swallow a little. The crazy part was I kept on feeling like there was still something in my throat. My dog trainer said it was the stinger from the bee. I think he was right! About 5:30 Alex made me something to eat because I was starving from not eating all day. I had a tiny bite of some noodles and I thought it felt okay, so I tried another bite and then I realized something, the lump that I'd felt in my throat all day was smaller and my throat felt smooth! I think the noodle help take the stinger out. Disgusting but true!

I feel fine today. The shot of Benadryl and the prednisone shot they gave me at the hospital made me feel tired and weird so I hit the sheets by 7:00 pm last night. That's two weekends in a row that I've been at an emergency, Grace at the veterinarian's emergency last Sunday and me this Sunday.

What a Saturday!

2005-11-20T06:31:00.000-08:00

Well yesterday was a whirlwind! I went to the dog trial and my dog was horrible. I mean terrible! The worst she has ever been! Plus, this was her home town venue and all of her "fans" were there. I will take 50% of the blame, well.... 20% of the blame. I don't know what the issue is but I hope it works its self out today. I stopped her run in both the sheep and duck class, meaning she had no score for either class because I removed her from the course. It was ugly!

Alex met up with us just in time to see both course disasters and then we went home had a sub sandwich and made some baby-making-noon-time-love! We never do that! But in effort to try our best to procreate and because we love each other we decided, Why Not?

After that we drove into LA for the USC-Fresno State football game. I've never been to a college football game. Fresno is only about 3 1/2 or 4 hours from USC so there were about 20,000 Fresno fans there and it was rowdy and loud. It was a really good game and I was so surprised how into it I got. My voice is shot today because I screamed and cheered so much. My hands hurt from clapping so hard! I have a secret confession, I love marching bands. I mean really love marching band music. So I was having a blast watching and listening to the Spirit of Troy band. They were great! They wear capes, that is so cool. Also, the horse, Traveler, way cool. Alex had no idea I liked marching bands so much. He got a kick out of that. I do think that the USC cheerleaders seemed boring. Fresno's cheerleaders did all kinds of cool pyramid things and tosses.

We sat next to some really nice guys, two were USC alumni and one who is one of their best buddies went to Fresno. They were hysterical together! Alex bought me a USC hat so I could fit in with the crowd and he told me I looked really cute last night. He is always complimentary of me but last night I think he really was kind of smitten with me. Maybe it was the baby-making-noon-time-love that got him all mushy, maybe it was because I was really happy and having a good time for the first time in a week or two... or more. He held my hand, he stared it me a lot and he just seemed in love with me. He even did that thing that I love when he plays with my hair, near my ear and my neck. It drives me crazy!

We didn't get home until about 1 am and when we crawled into bed he told me he loved me and he loved our date tonight. He said he felt like he was on a college date!

I think I might have to become a serious USC football fan! It might create lost of wonderful memories.

Today I'm off to trial my dog again and hopefully we will have better results. Oh, by the way, USC won! Fight On!

Stripping

2005-11-19T05:31:00.000-08:00

Well I didn't crawl back into bed yesterday. I had too much work to do for clients and our the house. I ended up starting to strip the wallpaper out of the future nursery. I posted pictures of it in an earlier post. It's hideous stuff. The bad news, I think I found mold. So now we've got to figure out if it is mold or just mildew. There's not much, it was under the paper and it' is dried out old stuff. DH doesn't seem to be overly worried about it but he and I agree mold is dangerous stuff and this will be our child's room so we need to make sure it's A. not mold or B. if it is mold that it's not toxic and that we can remove it without it recurring.

Today I've got a trial with Gracie, her first since her accident last week. She seems to be doing just fine and she's bouncing off the walls waiting to go back to work. After the trial we are going to the USC football game against Fresno. I've never been to a college game so it should be fun. DH gets the tickets from his work and they are supposed to be excellent seats, 40 yard line or something. The bad news is, his exboss wanted to use the extra tickets, which is fine but I don't care for the exbosses' wife. Hopefully she won't be there. She's not a mean lady or anything, just nosey and pushy and abrasive.

2005-11-18T08:13:00.000-08:00

There is an interesting post over at Manuela's blog about when adoption is the right decision for the child in question. At least that's how I interpret the post. It's made me sad to read her thoughts and her observations. It has made me question adoption and it put me in a true tail spin yesterday. Now Manuela is a good person and she was only being honest in her opinion and thoughts, so I have nothing against her. I guess I only have sadness over how much merit might be there. It's made me question my decision to adopt which is a horrible thing, because emotionally and financially we are so invested in this. I hate second guessing myself. This whole process makes me second guess everyone of my decisions.

Holding Pattern has decided to adopt. Part of me wants to cheer her on and part of me wants to make her think more about it. Would I have been so hesitant to cheer her on before reading Manuela's post?

The weird email I got from the first Bmom we were matched with really hurt me. I think it might have been either an accident that she sent it to me or she might have thought it would make me feel better. I don't think there was anything to it other than that. I'm sure she's going to keep her child and be a good mom. Yesterday however, I rolled my brain upside and down trying to figure out if it was a test she was giving us? Did she really want to place with us? Had she changed her mind? Were there other couples she liked too and the first one to respond to her was the "winner". Yes, I'm embarrassed to say, these thoughts crossed my mind.

We go in next week for blood work to see if the immunology specialist can detect any problems with our ttc issues from that standpoint. Our adoption agency still hasn't any news for us. But as of this morning, we have had 349 hits on our web profile, nearly 100 more than we have had any other month, including our first month on the web. My crazy brain, once again plays games on me. My latest mind game is: maybe we have been chosen by a bmom but the agency is not telling us until she is closer to her due date and she has been showing everyone she knows the great couple she has chosen to parent the baby and that's why we have so many hits. I know, it's crazy and stupid.

Oh, and to make matters worse, we need to throw a little guilt into the picture, because my brain isn't tortured enough. A girl on one of my adoption buddy groups has had her profile shown 33 times and has never been matched! I feel bad for her and her DH. I also feel guilty for complaining. At least I know two people thought of us as parent material.

I know that our agency has sent at least 9 of our scrapbooks (Profiles) out. They emailed me last week to let me know they needed a couple of more scrapbooks, they were down to one. I had new ones sent directly from the printer, they should have them by now but as expected, nobody at the agency has called or emailed me to let me know if they arrived. I'll have to check on that today. I don't want to deal with anything today. I really just want to crawl back in bed. This isn't a side of myself I like, nor one that I like to expose, even on a blog. It makes me feel like I won't be good parent material if I can't even stand the waiting process. What if a potential bmom who wanted to choose us stumbled upon my blog, would she dismiss us because of my winey, emotional ramblings?

Weird Email, Weird Timing

2005-11-17T13:12:00.000-08:00

So the first bmom we were matched with who changed her mind (back in July) and decided to parent sent me an email today. It was just forward of a Make A Wish and Send this to 8 Friends type email, there was no message attached to it but my heart won't stop beating. You see I've only received 2 emails from her, one after our first phone conversation when she wrote a very nice email to me and shared her life story with lots of the bad parts and then again today. Her due date was between November 19 and Dec 2, yeah, NOW!

To see her name come up when I opened my Inbox, made my heart leap. I have always wondered if she would change her mind and call us. We left things on good terms. She's a fantastic person and I wish her the best and I think she's going to be a good mom if she does decided to parent this child. She is already a good mom to her 4-year-old little girl who she has raised. I haven't acted on the email. This is the exact wording of the email:

8 angels r sent 2 u, u must send them to 8 people including me. in 8 minutes u will receive something u have long awaited. have faith!

I guess I have to email her back and 7 other people! Wouldn't you? Why would she do this to me? Was it just an accident? Is this a test? My stomach is so upset right now!

Oh, silly me, here's the extended forcast

2005-11-17T06:14:00.000-08:00

Stop worrying. First of all, you know how you get when you're stressed; it's not pretty, and it hasn't been the what most often wins you friends -- especially since your sign virtually wrote the book on the subject. Then, too, there's the fact that if you play your cards right, you can make not just a new friend, but cross paths with someone who might be exactly right for you. There now, isn't that enough inspiration to keep you calm?

I guess I'll watch TV but not eat a cookie today... yeah right.

My Horoscope for today

2005-11-17T06:11:00.000-08:00

Your motto for the day: Everything will turn out fine in the end. So, if things aren't fine, don't panic; it's not the end yet. In the meantime, while you're waiting, no tapping your pencil and making everyone else nervous.

When will it be the end? When will our wait end? I'm sick of this, really I am. I've been reading blogs I shouldn't and I think it has me upset. I need to go for a walk, but I'll probably eat a cookie and watch TV becuse I'm a little bit in self destruct mode today... and it's only 6:15.