"All That I Am, All That I Ever Was"

Continue with me on my journey at Wordpress...

2008-02-04T10:48:00.000+11:00

The move is complete - my new web address...

2008-01-26T01:15:00.000+11:00

Howdy all, I just wanted to put in a final few words to this blog and announced that I will no longer be joint posting between this blog and my new one. I am NOT leaving the blogging world, as has been previously mentioned I have moved to Wordpress and now I am more set up and established there all material will be posted there.

Please update your bookmarks to the new site address:
http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com

The new RSS feed to update to is:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/myjourneywithdepression

And for all your folks who subscribe through email, you can update your subscription here:
http://www.feedburner.com/fb/a/emailverifySubmit?feedId=1506050&loc=en_US

Thank you all for your tremendous response and readership whilst I've been housed at blogspot, I hope to see you all on wordpress soon :)

All that I am, all that I ever was
has moved to Wordpress

My new address is:
ALL THAT I AM, ALL THAT I EVER WAS: MY JOURNEY WITH DEPRESSION
(http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com)

My 64 Months in Australia - A Retrospective

2008-01-05T19:36:00.003+11:00

It’s been 64 months that I’ve been in Australia.It’s been 64 months of ups, downs, highs, lows, excitement, misery, laughter and despair.

It’s been 64 months…wow…still can’t believe it’s nearly over.

It hasn’t really sunk in yet, even though it should’ve done. All the things I didn’t get to do are flying through my mind and joining up with all those things that I did do.

It’s been a long five years, it’s been an incredible five years, it’s been an emotional five years, and by fuck I’m gonna miss it here!

This is a month by month, memorable moment by memorable moment, account of my time in Australia.

This has been my 64 months in Australia…

Read the rest of this post at this blogs new home,
http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com

Self Help Tips to help combat Panic and Anxiety

2008-01-05T19:33:00.000+11:00

There are numerous things I have tried and attempted in the past in order to gain control over my anxiety. They don’t always work as sometimes the power of the anxiety is too great, but more often than not a combination of the following do help to alleviate the oncoming storm of a PaNiC aTtAcK.

Some important things to bear in mind when feeling stressed of anxious are:

FIND OUT AT THIS BLOGS NEW HOME, HTTP://MYJOURNEYWITHDEPRESSION.WORDPRESS.COM

PaNiC aTtAcK

2008-01-05T19:30:00.000+11:00

If you’ve never had a PaNiC aTtAcK be very thankful! They are one of the most painful, frightening and grueling experiences you can ever have. It is not overstating the fact that you honest to god think you are dying. Seriously. Your mind and body become overcome by a crippling pain which convinces you that death is about to touch his boney little finger against your shoulder and zap you off this mortal coil.

Read the rest of this post at my blog new home...
http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com

A Digg Article: "Trying to Understand Mental Illness"

2008-01-03T09:08:00.001+11:00

An article I came across on Digg.com which is a fascinating and fantastic look at mental illness, described by the author as: "My discussion on mental illness and the challenges we have as both a society and as someone afflicted with mental illness in seeking health."

read more | digg story

Mental Health in Movies & TV #2: Secretary

2007-12-29T21:00:00.000+11:00

I am quite an avid film watcher, or at least I used to be. These days I can barely sit through an episode of Neighbours without losing focus and needing to do something else.

However, back in the days when I did actually watch films in their entirety on occasion it was usually the case that I would either like, dislike or just think meh to a movie. It’s quite a rare beast that has me loathing and loving one in equal measure that, no matter how many times I see it, can never seem to decide whether I think it’s a perfect example of low budget intelligent film-making - or just the most insulting slice of celluloid to ever grace movie projectors. I am of course referring to Secretary, which if you’re wondering why it’s here (considering most people only think of one thing when this movie pops into their head) deals with self-harm. In fact it is one of only a handful of movies which deals with this subject, so on this merit alone, the film earns a star from me.

Read the rest of this article at my new home:
http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com

Suicide Helpline

2007-12-29T20:58:00.000+11:00

I mentioned in my post yesterday that I phoned the suicide helpline…

…it is not the first time I have ever called them. The very first time I dialled this number was in April 2006 as I was having an incredibly bad day and didn’t know who else to phone. I was having relationship problems, my best friend had just celebrated her 21st birthday and I didn’t want to upset her, and my other friends…I just didn’t want to burden them.

So I dialled the helpline, which I had on speed dial since my suicide moment the month before. It rang…and it rang…and I cried…and I cried…and it rang…and it rang…and I threw the phone across the room because the bloody thing just kept on ringing and ringing and ringing and nobody answered! There must have been a lot of suicidal people that night! Suffice to say I was able to remain safe and well until those urges had passed, but not before resorting to self-harm for the first time in over a year.

The other most memorable being a moment in March of this year when I was incredibly close from slashing my wrists following my breakdown but was able to be talked down from my mood with their assistance and that of a friendly conversation with a friend.

I have phoned them on several occasions since then, not however before my attempts in May and October because on those occasions I just needed the pain to stop and was not willing to phone for help.

Things however got incredibly bad yesterday...

Read the rest of this article at my new home:
http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com

I am more than my Depression #1: Faerie Art

2007-12-29T20:53:00.000+11:00

One of my pet peeves about suffering from bipolar/depression is the constant judgement I receive for being a depressing man. I do not view myself as a depressing man, nor do I view myself as depressed. To say I am “depressed” or “depressing” is labelling me with the illness I suffer from. It would be like labelling someone with cancer as “cancerous” or simply “cancered”. My illness does not define me, nor should it label who I am or my personality, but on so many occasions and by so many people (who could be described as ignorant) it does.

Depression is my illness, not my personality! Just as cancer is something someone has, bipolar/depression are things I have, and not am. (i.e. I have bipolar, I am not bipolar.)

Whilst writing a blog on mental illness it is difficult sometimes for people to get to know the real me, as often I am merely writing about how these illnesses have and are affecting me. In this first post of a planned series I hope to start showing people who I really am by exploring some of the idiosyncrasies and passions which make my blood bubble and my mind explode with pseudo-orgasmic delight.

Read the rest of this article at my new home:
http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com

A change is coming...

2007-12-26T19:01:00.000+11:00

Howdy all.

Although my posts have become a little infrequent, shall we say, as I delve ever deeper into this depressive episode from which their appears to be no end in sight, I am striving to continue blogging about my life and attempts to overcome mental illness. It's frustrating me because there are so many happier things I would love to talk about, and if I had commenced this blog this time last year, those happier things would have been coming out far more frequently than they are.

Ah well.

I have however decided to move the blog across to Wordpress. Not sure why, I don't object to Blogspot, I just fancied a move. So the new address will be:

http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com

So you can all update your link lists and bookmarks. The blog has commenced operation at the new address, and is currently going through the new home fiddlings which everyone goes through when they move abodes. So if you'd like to drop on by you can do so.

I will continue to post on this blog until the new blog is 100% ready and good to go, and will link to the new blog in each post until everyone has become used to the change.

This blog will remain in operation after the move so that the three months I have chronicled here will still be able to be read by all. Thank you one and all for your kind comments and support throughout the months I have been writing here, and I hope you will continue reading my words in my new home :-)

"It'll be lonely this Christmas, without you..."

2007-12-24T22:37:00.000+11:00

I've been trying for the last four days, been through countless versions, drafted so many different options and yet even now - three hours before the clock strikes midnight, I still can't get the words out.

I know why - usually the Christmas spirit bites me with all the kinky fondness of a lover deliciously nibbling into the juicy flesh of their partner's pert backside. One of those goose bump electrifying bites of extreme pleasure and excitement! (You know what I mean!)

This year, it feels like Rudolph has been mutated by comic book radioactive slime into a ravenous killer reindeer and has decided my arse is the appetiser!

So many children are getting excited right about now the world over. Impatiently waiting for the ticking down of the clocks so they can leap up the next morning and get stuck into their Wiis and bikes and iPods and Barbies. So many adults are gathering around getting slowly inebriated as they laugh over the joys and times of the months gone. So many friends are gathering in pubs and clubs drinking heavily and partaking in the knees up to end all knees up (well, at least until the 31st that is!) Wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends are relishing the thought of their Christmas Day shag, and just how awesome that nibble is going to feel this year.

So many people are sitting alone in their respective bedsits, flats, rooms, houses, gardens, outhouses, park benches and hostels wishing that all the above was happening to them. Instead, they get to pull out their knives, or check to see how many pills they have left, or whether they have enough blankets to get through the night.

The problem I am having with Christmas this year is that this is the time of year when empathy, compassion and the human spirit goes out the window. It's a bit messed up, because really this should be the time of year when these things happen in abundance! People seem to be focused on all the fun they are having to realise what they can be doing for other people, their gestures of warmth and love feel somehow forced - committed out of necessity of the time of year, rather than out of love or friendship.

Everyone's too interested in making their Christmas that bit more wonderful than thinking of what they can do to make someone else's Christmas more exciting.

I sound like the grinch, I know, but I'm sure it's not just me. There are so many people in the world who will be spending tomorrow alone. All the lost souls the world has forgotten and left to rot. Will anyone be thinking of those people when they tuck into their turkey's, beach side BBQs or partner's posterior?

I will be.

Ever since I first read it last week I have been thinking about a particular blogpost I read. It touched me in ways many blog posts don't. It was about a man who killed himself, a man who was suffering from depression, a man who felt so alone and forgotten in the world that he had no other choice but to kill himself.

How many of the alone and forgotten will be thinking about this tomorrow? How many of the lost souls left to rot will feel they will have no other choice but to get out their noose?

How many family members and friends will be left wishing they had picked up the phone and had a friendly conversation rather than sending an email or instant message?

I know the feelings of desperation and loneliness only too well. I have attempted suicide twice this year, and have been on the verge too many times to count. Tomorrow, I get to wake up in the morning and face the day alone; no presents, no turkey (or tofurkey), no friends, no family, no warmth or love or compassion.

Just like so many who will be doing the same thing.

Christmas, one of the loneliest times of the year even when you are surrounded by friends and family. So when you're tucking into your piping hot dinner tomorrow surrounded by family, or heading off down the pub to sing a song and be merry with all your friends, and thinking about how lonely you feel - think about all those lost, alone, depressed and forgotten souls who are spending Christmas actually alone.

(You do realise by the way that the song a lot of you happy smiley friend-surrounded people will be singing tomorrow in that merry pub is about a Christmas through the eyes of a lonely bitter alcoholic drug addict reflecting on his lost chances and ruined life)

Instead of just thinking about them, or planning to phone them and forgetting out of tipsy merriment, make the effort to let them know how much you care. Make the effort to tell them because you want to, not because you feel you have to just because 'it's Christmas'.

No-one should be alone at Christmas, but for some people, it's a sad reality.

So, if you suffer from depression, bipolar, BPD, self harm or any mental illness...
Or if you are homeless and have no-where to go...

If your family and friends are on the other side of the world...
Or you are stuck working in that dead-end job...

If this is your first Christmas following the death of a loved one...
Or your first Christmas after a relationship break up...

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, which may sound hopeless, but I will be thinking of you all, promise. Please be kind to yourself and remember that you are not alone.

"Eliminate the Stigma of Mental Illness!" A new mental health blog...

2007-12-21T20:24:00.000+11:00

Are you passionate about raising awareness of mental health?

Well this brand spanking new blog is the place for you!

Eliminate the Stigma of Mental Illness is an open blog project for those passionate about mental health.

This blog is a place where you can share your thoughts, articles, reviews, rants, raves, jokes and diatribes on mental health with the world.

Whether you own a blog or have never written for one in the world; sign up as a contributor, and start sharing your opinions!

You can visit Eliminate the Stigma of Mental Illness here.

Addy's Faves: The Best of 'All that I am...'

2007-12-18T17:31:00.000+11:00

I was thinking today, what if I were to compose a "best of" album from this blog? Which posts would I single out as my favourites to have the honour of appearing on a compilation of my favourite work?

Well, this would be my selection: [in chronological order from when they first appeared]
1) My War against Mental Illness
This was written before I started the blog as an attempt to begin coming to terms with what has been happening to me over the last 14 years of my life, and this year inparticularly. It was because of this post I decided to write the blog, as from this I realised there was so much to go into I couldn't do it with just one article.
2) Learning to Love Yourself: Ideas for Self Love
I had a lot of fun writing this, enjoy it to this day.
3) Does Depression Impact on Friendship?
My first stab at my favourite topic on this blog - friendship - and how depression has a drastic effect on this ever important part of your life. Was never 100% happy with it, am still not, I still don't quite know how to write of the pressure depression puts on friendship.
4) Desideratum
This was never meant to be what it was - it was meant to be a short post on dreams, but became the first real mention of what happened with my breakdown, a subject I never quite knew how to tackle because of the implications it may bring to other people.
5) Let's Talk About Suicide...
a) Part I: Never say "You should Kill Yourself,"
b) Part II: My Suicide Attempts
c) Part III: Get Me Through December
My first trilogy of posts and my first real attempt at tackling an important issue close to my heart. All three parts were incredibly hard for me to write, all because of the heavy emotions attached to them. The first time I cried whilst writing this blog was during Part III, a subject I had never spoken about before because of the intense pain I held over it. One of the hardest posts for me to write and in my top 5 of the blog.
6) What do I mean by Stigma?
My attempt at doing the standard "stigma" post, and am still very happy with it.
7) Does Depression Impact on Friendship (Reprise)
My second attempt at the effects depression as on friendship, still not happy with it.
8) Social Anxiety Disorder...
a) Part I: What is it?
b) Part II: My Experiences
My attempt at trying to write about one of the most misunderstood conditions on the planet. Social anxiety disorder is a crippling condition that affects every avenue of your life, and you have to fight constantly to get anywhere in forging real relationships with people.Very few people understand social anxiety disorder, and a lot more needs to be done to raise awareness of it. It is not just shyness! SAD was the catalyst behind my depression and self harm, it is what began it all! It was instrumental in my breakdown. It has been a constant weight through my entire life, and to have come so close to overcoming it...this still kills me, for as I say in the article, I'm now in a worse position than when I was when everything first started.
9) (Some) True Confessions of a Self Harmer
Another difficult post for me. For any self-harmer, opening up about the injuries you have inflicted on yourself is a very difficult thing to do. Few people understand self-harm even in the mental health/medical community; this was me either being very brave or very stupid (or indeed, both, which is most likely the case)
10) The Bipolar Series...
a) Bi Bi Love. Bi Bi Happiness.
b) Coming to Terms with Bipolar: Part I
c) Coming to Terms with Bipolar: Part II
d) Coming to Terms with Bipolar: Part III
These posts changed everything. With my diagnosis I realised once and for all that the life I had always dreamed of would never be. These posts were me struggling to come to terms with and accept what was happening, and all the things that will now never be. They kicked off a mixed/depressive episode which affected my ability to write this blog and is an episode I am still struggling with immensely.
11) Bipolar and Depression: Identifying Triggers
See, this is how sad my life became. On my birthday rather than having fun and celebrating with my friends, I was drinking whisky and writing posts on identifying triggers of depressive and manic episodes. Yay me! An important post, but would rather have been doing something else on my birthday.
12) Emotional Abuse...
a) Part I: Words are just as Powerful as a Fist
b) Part II: The Effects of Emotional Abuse
Another incredibly difficult post to write. I have never fully wanted to accept that I was the victim in an emotionally abusive relationship, simply because of the love I have for the person involved, but no matter how much research I do, all the signs and signals were there. The abuse I suffered changed me in ways I never wanted to see change and I'll bare the scars of them for the rest of my life. The effect of the abuse devastated me, and as I state in the posts, is something I have so much trouble writing about simply because of the love I still carry for the person involved. I cried buckets writing these posts! So many painful/happy memories.
Note: Part I is actually one of the most well received posts to have featured on this blog. It has even been included on another weblog (Wrongblog) and is receiving praise there also.
13) Let's Talk about my Nervous Breakdown
In which I, finally, attempted to explain exactly what caused, what happened and how my nervous breakdown felt. I also threw in some advice on overcoming breakdowns, advice I could have done with at the time.
14) Regrets: Can they ever be Forgiven?
My last 'great' (in one sense of the word) post. Another one hard for me to write, especially with some of the emotions which were dug up from two of the regrets I talked about. Another posts replete with tears.

And here's six of the best "advice" posts for you to think over:
Bonus I: Helpful advice to help you beat your depression day by day
Bonus II: Self Harm - Distractions and Coping Tips
Bonus III: Signs and signals someone may be about to commit suicide.
Bonus IV: DOs and DON'Ts of Self Injury
Bonus V: The WORST things you can say to someone with depression
Bonus VI: The BEST things you can say to someone with depression

It would hardly make the most uplifting "best of" compilation top ten, but it would be pretty decent IMHO...and remember, there is more on the blog than just these, so don't be afraid to have a wee surf around and see what you can find. What's your favourite post?

I 'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of my readers and commentators thus far. Your feedback and support has been incredible, and I thank you for this from the bottom of my heart.

Why I called this blog "All that I am, all that I ever was..."

2007-12-18T17:01:00.000+11:00

...it's because of a song, my third favourite Snow Patrol song. Kathy got me into Snow Patrol, and they're not a bad wee group, have some pretty decent songs. This particular one isn't even my favourite of theirs - that falls to Run, with Make This Go On Forever a close second and Chasing Cars a respectable third.

Chasing Cars

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I named the blog this for four reasons:
1) This song reminds me of Kathy, and it is because of the influence she had on my life that I began writing it in the first place.
2) The lines which the title comes from are my second favourite song line of all time.
3) The chorus of the song reflects the one dream I have clung to since my breakdown - that one day, just one day, someone would want to lie with me and forget about all the crazy insane shit going on in the world and just want to be with me for who I am regardless of everything else.

and

4) For the vast majority of people that I have met in my life; depression, self-harm, bipolar - all those niggling illnesses I suffer from - are all that I am, all that I ever was. They are unable to see past them and into my soul, a soul they'd find chock full of wonder, beauty and passion if only they could see past the labels they've put on my head, see past their own ignorance of mental illness and see me for who I am.

Emotional Abuse Part IV: Related Links

2007-12-17T21:48:00.000+11:00

It's not that I'm obsessed or anything, but I'm really struggling to overcome the emotional abuse I suffered so have been spending as much time as I can afford trying to find new information and coping strategies to recover.

So here are some excellent sites/blogs I have discovered regarding emotional and/or other abuse.

Sanctuary for the Abused
A blog containing articles, links and support for survivors of verbal, emotional, online and psychological abuse. LOTS of information here I've only touched the surface of what they have to offer, but so far it is excellent, and come highly recommended.

Abused No More
Emotional abuse recovery Coach Annie Kaszina enables women to understand and heal swiftly from the trauma of an abusive relationship.

And a couple more articles:

From the Abuser's Point of View
An interesting insight of abuse as told from what the abuser may be feeling. Once again, the abuser is painted as a man; although in a lot of cases the abuser is male, it would be nice to occasionally find a sight which discusses the man as "victim" rather than "perpetrator".

Eight Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator
Another great article on eight ways in which someone will act if they are emotionally abusive or have the potential to be emotionally abusive.

Effects of Emotional Abuse
A nice article on what the longer term effects of emotional abuse could be if not dealt with in any way.

And with that I think I'll leave my emotional abuse series for a while. It's opened up a lot of scars I had forgotten about and I need to work on finding ways to overcome these issues, but with everything will keep you posted on my progress/lack of progress.

Paradise Down Under Part II: "Emigrating" is far different than "traveling"

2007-12-17T19:50:00.000+11:00

For however many days I have left to live I will never forget how I felt, at approximately 7am on the 29th October 2002. This was the day my life changed, this was the day I arrived in Australia.

After a gruelling 24 hours plane flight I disembarked at Tullamarine airport in Melbourne, navigated my way through customs, and was met by the person I had made the decision to emigrate for. I will never forget what she were wearing, the smile on her face, and the (albeit slightly bewildered) grin on mine. I will never forget how that first hug felt after three months apart, and I will never forget how I kept nodding off repeatedly throughout the entire day!

The 29th of October 2002...seems like a lifetime ago now.

I remember sitting at a computer on the 29th October 2007 writing this post about how it felt to have spent five years in Australia, I never got around to posting part two. I don't know why, things just got away from me I guess, but I will finally give an answer to the question I posed:

No, I should not have got on the first plane home. I have never (not once, ever) regretted my decision about coming to Australia.

My decision to come to Australia was made because I wanted to be with someone that I loved, and even though the relationship has now ended, I have never regretted coming to Australia. I love this country - sure I bitch and whine and whinge and moan about it, but then so do 95% of the Australians I have encountered here.

It's either too hot or too cold; never quite the right temperature.
It never rains enough but when it does it should just stop raining.
And etc..and etc...and etc...

We're allowed to bitch and moan about where we live, it's all part and parcel of life.

I've also hummed and ahhed several times over the years about whether or not to return to the UK; but this has always been because of one over-riding sensation which people around me have never truly understood. It's not because I want to go back to the UK, or that I dislike Australia.

It's because of homesickness.

Now I've travelled before; I spent months backpacking around Scotland and Canada. I experienced homesickness frequently during this time, in fact I seem to remember having a bout of homesickness every two months (virtually on the dot) and this is something that every traveller will have experienced at some point in time whilst they are away.

They miss their family and friends, maybe that jar of vegemite or favourite candy bar. Perhaps they miss their favourite restaurant or sitting in their favourite park. There will always be something that will trigger a period of homesickness which could last for a mere fleeting few seconds or a much longer few days of yearning for the "familiar".

Once this period has passed they will resume their travelling existence until the day comes when they get to go home and rejoice in all the things they have missed.

You see that's what is different between travelling and emigrating; when you travel you always have a rough idea when you will be returning home. You always know that what happens whilst you are away can be left where it is and thought of only as a fond memory. You can become someone completely different for a period of time and then return to "you" when you get home knowing that you had a wonderful trip, learnt a few things, made a few good friends and now you can resume your regular life in a country that is familiar - a country that has all your favourite places and people and food and drinks and the like.

Emigrating? When I came to Australia I did so knowing that I may never again step foot on British soil. I was starting again, a whole new life, a whole new start. I was leaving behind family and friends, places and products. Everything was fresh and new and exciting and wonderful and and and bloody scary!

All the shops are weird with products and services you don't know. The money, bloody hell, what the hell is a cent - and where are all the awesome 1p and 2p pieces? Rounding? What the frack? Trams and trains and cars and buses and lorries and...they're all strangely different. Everything is different.

So far, so similar to travelling.

But when I experienced all that in Canada I wasn't really taking it in - I wasn't seeking out the best of this or the best of that, I was "oh I need some laundry powder, that'll do," or "hey, I wanna have a drink, let's ask some of the guys in the hostel," - you don't really notice how different it is living in a new country because you're not really living there, you're visiting there.

You don't plan on spending the rest of your life there.

When I came to Australia I was. I had to set up a whole new social structure, make new friends, contacts, bank accounts, medicare (ummm, what?)...and let's not forget the intense stress of a three year long residency application! And the job hunting - frack - forget the experience I had in the UK. I'm not being racist or countryist here but if you had the choice between an Australian with experience and an overseas guy with experience, 99% of Australian employers will go for the Aussie. Simple fact. When you emigrate you are basically restarting you life from scratch.

When you're travelling you are not - you are merely visiting and experiencing and then returning to you life once it is done. Friends, family, places and products virtually intact.

In the five years I have been in Australia I have not yet fully acclimatised with this country. I love it to pieces, I adore it, I cherish it, but there are things I don't like, but I am used to it now. In the five years I have been in Australia the UK will have changed beyond all recognition, places and people, products and services. When I return I will be returning to a whole new country which I will have to re-acclimatise to.

In essence, I am once again emigrating.

I don't think people really - truly - understand how stressful, difficult, anxious and lonely emigrating to a new country can be. It is hard for people to make new friends, find a good job, settle and allow themselves time to get used to the country.

A lot of people just makes the assumption that emigrating is just travelling, only for longer.

It isn't, emigrating is saying goodbye to an entirely new way of life (and the grieving process which accompanies loss comes with it) and coming to terms with a new one.

I've read a lot of stories about how people become depressed after emigrating, and I can truly understand why this happens as I experienced it myself. I also have to prepare myself to experience it again, and that truly scares me.

Australia was meant to see the start of the "new" me; but mistakes were made, incidents happened and things didn't turn out the way I had hoped. I know have to start again somewhere new, and unlike five years ago, I just don't think I have the energy or strength to do it.

I'm not sure how this emigration will play out - but only time will tell on that one.

Read more:
Paradise Downunder Part I - The agony and ecstasy of leaving Australia
Paradise Downunder Part II - Emigrating is far different than traveling!
Paradise Downunder Part III - Has it really all been that bad? (coming soon)
Paradise Downunder Part IV - Conclusion: Farewell or Frack You? (coming soon)

The let's answer people's "google searches" post!

2007-12-17T15:01:00.001+11:00

My minds racing at a thousand miles so many thoughts, feelings, emotions, rational thoughts, irrational thoughts, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and they're driving me insane not even slowly insane fast fast faster than the speeding colour red insane that I need to do something pointless and rather weird to try and take my mind of the suicidal urges I'm feeling.

So here we have it folks, the let's answer people's google searches post!

It amazes me sometimes what brings people to my site. The things people write into google which brings them into my merry world: denise welch drinking again alcohol that's a good one, but the best, the absolute best which had me merrily laughing and giggling away, "emily lloyd" wanking...who would have thought that would bring someone to my site? Bet they were disappointed!

Anyhow...some searches are actually pretty cool, gets me thinking, so here we go, hold onto your hats and lets see what we can find out.

1) "Movie TV Show Self Injury"
This one got me thinking. I can think of only one example of each: Takin' Over the Asylum on TV and Secretary at the movies. So I flung myself into research mode and tried to find a few more...Girl Interrupted, Thirteen, 28 Days, Seventh Heaven (TV Show), Strong Heaven (TV Show)...and that's the best I could come up with, which is pretty pathetic, but then I'm in that sort of mood...anyone know any others?

2) "Songs about depression and self harm"
This is a good one. So many songs are about love and lost love and happy bouncy pop numbers by ridiculously under-dressed pre-pubescent starlets gyrating around as if they know everything about sexy sensual antics it's ridiculous. What about songs about depression and self harm, where are all they, eh? How about these?
[RED ones are self-harm, BLUE ones are depression]
Underlying Depression - Van Morrison
Black and Blue - Counting Crows
Manic Depression - Jimi Hendrix
Smoke - Natalie Imbruglia
Terminal Spirit Disease - At the Gates
If You Can't Leave it Be, Might as Well Make it Bleed - Dashboard Confessional
I Won't Stay Long - Sixpence None the Richer
My Heart Is The Worst Kind Of Weapon - Fall Out Boy
When Silence Cries - Trail of Tears
Judge Yr'self - Manic Street Preachers
Only Happy When it Rains - Garbage
Not an Addict - K's Choice
Put on Your Old Brown Shoes - Supertramp
Roses in the Hospital - Manic Street Preachers

3) "Overcoming emotional abuse in friendship"
An excellent point. In my posts covering emotional abuse I talked specifically about emotional abuse occurring in a sexual relationship, however emotional abuse can occur in any form of relationship. It could be teacher/student, parent/child, friend/friend, boss/employee even student/teacher or child/parent is possible. Overcoming emotional abuse in any form is an incredibly difficult thing to do, as even if you talk to the abuser and try and get s/he to realise that what they are doing is having a detrimental affect on you and your self esteem, they will often deny what is happening is their fault, they will in fact deny the abuse is occurring.

Something you can do is talk to a trusted friend and tell them what is happening and how it is making you feel. You could also try and convince the abuser that they require "help" to overcome whatever issue is causing them to be emotionally abusive, but this is dangerous, as it could lead to further abuse or an escalation into physical or sexual abuse.

Overcoming emotional abuse is a very tricky and difficult thing to do. Ultimately, you may have to sever the friendship/relationship with that person if you feel nothing is ever going to change. This will hurt more than you can know, but if it is the only way to stop the abuse, it may be the only option.

I'm not sure if that's been of any help to anyone, including myself. I'm just in a really bad way today and trying to occupy my mind. It's not really working so we'll call an end to this post and see what happens.

Mental Health in Film & TV #1: "Takin' Over the Asylum" (BBC Scotland)

2007-12-17T13:26:00.000+11:00

The show, first screened in 1994, is generally considered to be one of the finest television shows dealing with mental illness. Virtually everyone who has seen it acknowledges it as brilliant, and yet, despite a cast of excellent (and well known) actors, an IMDB rating of 9.5/10 and winning several awards (a BAFTA for best serial and editing, RTS award for best writing, Mental Health in the media award and Scottish BAFTAs for best serial and best writing) it has yet to see either a VHS or DVD release.

This is generally considered to be because of it's incredibly good soundtrack tying up the music rights - even it's episode titles were music tracks (including "Hey Jude", "Fly Like an Eagle" and "Let it Be")

So, what's it about?

Eddie McKenna, a double glazing salesman moonlighting as a radio DJ takes a job at a mental health institute to establish a hospital radio station. As the station gets up and running Eddie begins to forge close relationships with several of the patients, including; Campbell (a manic depressive), Francine (a self harmer), Fergus (a schizophrenic) and Rosaline (suffering from OCD). Campbell too dreams of being a DJ, and through his inspired antics, the pair become closer to their aim.

Outside life however interferes, his double glazing boss bans Eddie from working at the radio station and his eccentric grandmother returns to her home country leaving him alone and penniless. He is also drawn to the troubled Francine. These problems see him returning to alcohol to ease his pain.

As the roles reverse, Campbell begins to regain his life and courts success with his dreams whilst Eddie drifts into decline and has to face up to dealing with his own illness, alcoholism.

So, who's it by?

The show was written by Donna Franceschild, produced by Chris Parr and directed by David Blair.

So, who's in it?

Ken Stott as Eddie McKenna
You may know him from: Rebus, Shallow Grave, King Arthur, Messiah, Casanova
David Tennant as Campbell
You may know him from: Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Blackpool, Casanova, Bright Young Things
Angus MacFadyen as Fergus
You may know him from: Braveheart, The Cradle Will Rock, Titus, Saw III, Alias (TV)
Ruth McCabe as Rosaline
Katy Murphy as Francine

So, why is it so good?

This show, more than any other TV production or movie I have seen dealing with mental health, portrays those suffering from mental illness as normal people with illnesses - that they can overcome. They are not painted as psychopaths, insane gibbering idiots, worthless people who should be locked away...they are normal people, like you are, like I am (if you can get past the labels).

The show deals with issues such as self-harm, manic depression, alcoholism, OCD and in one incredibly powerful episode suicide, with heartfelt emotion which neither glorifies nor belittles the conditions.

They are seen merely as illnesses and do not define the personality of the sufferers.

So, when will it be released on DVD (if ever)?

Who knows? As I mentioned earlier one of the reasons floated around for it's lack of release was regarding the rights to the music which featured heavily in every episode. Some research on the 'net indicates that a lot of these rights issues have been resolved so we can only hope that one day the BBC will see fit to release this series so it can garner a much wider, much deserved audience. This show deserves to be seen by everyone, not just those interested in mental health.

There is an online petition you can sign campaigning the release of this show on DVD, so you can SIGN THE PETITION TO RELEASE TAKIN' OVER THE ASYLUM ON DVD if you'd like to.

In the meantime, I will leave you with a clip from the show, one of my favourite scenes and one which now means a lot to me (since being diagnosed bipolar/manic depressive). Watch, enjoy, and hopefully we will all one day get the chance to see this fantastic show in it's entirety.

New Internet Mental Health Forum

2007-12-17T09:47:00.000+11:00

A brand new forum has opened up on the internet. It's called, simply enough, the Mental Health Forum and they introduce themselves as follows:

We aim to be the friendliest place on the web to meet and discuss anything related to mental health. This includes mental health problems such anxiety and panic attacks, depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, and schizophrenia, as well as friendships and relationships and everyday life issues. We also welcome discussion and debate of mental health issues and policy.

We want this forum to serve people experiencing mental health issues, their friends or relatives, and people working in the mental health field (from support worker to service manager and from nurses to psychologists and psychiatrists).

Whether you are experiencing psychological distress, are a friend, partner or relative of someone who is experiencing mental health issues, or if you work in the mental health field - you are most welcome here!

So pop on by and join in the fun. Share your stories, advise and make some new friends.

You can visit the forum here: http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/

Regrets. Can they ever be forgiven?

2007-12-16T18:17:00.000+11:00

Regrets.

We all have them, every single one of us stupid apes currently roaming this planet have regrets. You might meet people who say they don't, who claim to have never made a single mistake in their lives and regret none of the choices or actions they have made, but...

...they're lying.

Seriously, they are. If you can categorically say, no matter how old you are, that you don't have a single regret: you are a liar!

So think about it for a second, all those milliseconds in your life when you had to make a choice on the spot - can you seriously tell me you ALWAYS made the right choice? There are so many pedantic little things in my life that I regret that some are actually quite funny!

I regret...
...dropping and breaking my mobile phone.
...eating a rather large quantity of garlic once which made me sick.
...not seizing the opportunity to karaoke Hit me baby...one more time with the undisputed queen of karaoke!

And then there are the bigger regrets:

I regret...
...not realising Rachel was having problems and helping her.
...the first time I started self harming as it kicked off the addiction.
...making a decision whilst depressed. I should have known not to make an important decision in that state
...not taking a trip to a Scottish Island in June 2002.

What defines us is our ability to realise our regrets, admit to having made them, and not repeating those mistakes in the future. I have always tried and attempted to do this, some times I have been successful, others not so. But again, this is one of the defining characteristics of humanity - we frack up, sometimes more than once, and we all do it.

What defines us is out ability to forgive ourselves for our regrets and overcome them. Forgiveness is an act of contrition, you don't give it because someone deserves it you give it because they need it. This is true for ourselves; we must be able to forgive our own mistakes.

It's easier said than done. A regret can be a powerful thing, the longer you go without forgiving yourself, the more your soul will be destroyed. A regret can interfere with your motivation, your future, your present happiness...regrets are perhaps the powerful of annoying critters on the planet!

So let's have a look at some of the things you can do to help tame those regrets and forgive your inner self in the way that you so rightly deserve.

Steps you can take to overcome regret are:

Determine what the regret actually is. Before you can overcome a regret you have to actually know exactly what it is.

Hold on! Let's use me as an example! We'll work through the steps with me as a Guinea Pig (and I reckon I'd make a pretty cute Guinea Pig!)

I have stated at various points in this blog that I have three absolutely why the frack did I do/not do that? regrets...and here they (drumroll please) are:

i) Whilst at school I didn't say one sentence to once person. (I did talk about this one in my post on Social Anxiety Disorder, as it was one of the catalysts of me developing this condition)
ii) On one occasion 90% of me disbelieved something someone told me, the other 10% was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. I listened to the 10% - something which I have always regretted.
iii) Is a little more complicated, but is basically guilt/regret over allowing the emotional abuse I was the victim of to take place.

So now you have identified your regrets, what next?

Don't blame others. Don't blame yourself. Accept what has happened. Blame will only cause anger, anger will fester and this will create even more complications for all concerned.
Allow yourself to grieve. Regrets can create all sorts of emotions of which grief is only one, and like with all feelings of grief you must allow yourself to feel this emotion. Denying it will be denying yourself an important emotion and make the path to forgiveness harder.
Instead of thinking about what you have lost or the pain you caused from the regret, think about what you have learned or gained from this experience. Turn it into a positive; life's lessons come in all shapes, forms, sizes and guises. Sadness, loss, despair, love, mania, ecstatic moments of bliss all contain important life lessons.
If your regret involves having hurt other people, seek forgiveness. Apologise for what you have done and explain your actions. This forgiveness may not be awarded easily, so you will need to make amends with this person in order to show them you are sorry for what has happened. If the regret involves yourself, you must find a way to make amends internally in order to achieve the forgiveness you need.

And some tips which may help you accomplish these steps:

Write about your regrets. Scraps of paper, envelopes, letters you'll never send, journals. Writing about your regrets can help you identify exactly what they are and what they have caused to happen in your/other people's lives.
Use visualisation techniques to picture yourself acting differently in the future.
Talk to trusted friends who won't judge you.
Seek out help through counsellors, psychologists, support groups. Regret, as mentioned above, can become guilt which may need professional help to overcome.
Perspective people! Everything - and I mean everything in life - is forgivable! Nothing is ever so bad that it cannot be forgiven - even if it may seem not to be.
And as I stated above - YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We have all made mistakes in life so think about all the things other people have done wrong and realise what you've done, is nothing compared to the skeletons and actions some people hide in their underwear drawers!

So with my regrets in mind:

Regret i
1. The only person I have to blame is myself. This blame became anger which I directed at myself, which initiated the self-harm and social anxiety which later led to severe depression. So yeah, never hold on to blame or anger!
2) I did grieve for this regret after I stopped being angry with myself for it. With everything that was going on in my life, this took many years, and after the grief subsided I felt better able to deal with how not to allow it to happen in the future...
3) ...so learned from this experience and realised that if the situation ever arose again I would do everything in my power to not take the same path (not easy for someone with social anxiety disorder)...
4) ...thus when the situation arose again on the Isle of Mull with a woman I desperately wanted to get to know better I asked her out. Granted she stood me up, but hey, that be life! I made amends with myself by not allowing the same regret to resurface again.

Regret ii
1) ...and once again the only person I have to blame is myself! And once again the blame became anger which I directed at myself (but not in a self harm way) and I am currently trying to work through this anger now. I've written about it a lot, including an unsent letter I would love to send but can't.
2) I am in the grieving process at the moment for this regret, it's mixed with self anger, but the grieving process is underway and has been for some time.
3) I've learned from this regret...I know to follow my gut instinct with what people are telling me especially in regards to the issue that this instinct was about. I have talked about it on this blog on several occasions and am using my regret in this instance to try and help other people.
4) As the person in question is no longer part of my life I cannot seek forgiveness from them, and I am finding it hard to forgive myself for this regret because of what could have happened as a result of acting differently. I'm working on it and will keep you posted :)

Regret iii
Is the complicated one! The problem with abuse is that the victim is often "blamed" by the abuser for what is actually happening as they do not want to take responsibility for the actions. I am aware of the mistakes I made in the relationship so have allowed myself to feel responsible for the abuse which I was given as if it were somehow "deserved". This is a common problem for survivors of abuse in any form, and thus where the professional help can come in. Even though I know I didn't deserve the level of treatment I was subjected to and I am not to blame for the abuse I suffered because I feel on some level it was deserved punishment, I do not know how to combat this particular regret in my life. I am trying to by educating others on what emotional abuse is in the hope it will prevent other people from being in the situation I am currently in.

Regrets are tricky things.
They eat away inside you and it is important not to dwell on them for years on end as this could cause irreparable damage and could lead to: severe depression, self harm or suicidal thoughts. Which if you already suffer from any/all of these is a pretty nasty situation to find yourself in, let me tell you!

If you know garlic is gonna make you sick - don't eat it!
If you have the chance to go to a Scottish island - seize it!
If you get the chance to duet a Britney number - go shake your sexy butt!

Always learn from regrets and don't allow yourself to repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over again! Learn from them, live from them, grow from them...and forgive other people's mistakes and regrets, else how can you expect them to forgive you for yours?

YouTube: Time Crash The Doctor can help cure depression!

2007-12-16T17:47:00.000+11:00

How can you not like this???? Are you insane!!!! Maybe you have to be insane to like it. But c'mon, "Well, actually, the exact size of...Belgium!" or "Hey I'm the Doctor I can save the universe using a kettle and some string and look at me I'm wearing a vegetable!" and how can you not go all gooey when the delectable David Tennant puts on those glasses and says "You were my Doctor,"...swoon!

Youtube: Laughter is the best medicine!

2007-12-16T16:11:00.000+11:00

My Squidoo: Elimate the Stigma Against Mental Health!

2007-12-15T20:31:00.000+11:00

Fighting Mental Health Stigma!
The stigma which is held against those suffering from mental illnesses is destroying lives. The world needs to become more aware of the problems mental illness can cause, and the suffering these "illnesses" (not weaknesses) are causing.

I know what you're thinking...what the hell is a squidoo??? Well, technically it's a squidoo lens but that just seems to be complicating things even more! I'll let the Squidoo FAQ explain...

A lens is one person's view on a topic that matters to them. It's an easy-to-build, single web page that can point to blogs, favorite links, RSS feeds, Flickr photos, Google maps, your eBay auctions, CafePress designs, Amazon books or music, and oh so much more. That way, when someone is looking for recommended information, fast, your lens gets him started and sends him off in the right direction. Hooray for you!

So you'll find links to great sites, some YouTube videos, books and movies related to mental health and a whole wealth of information will be throwing itself onto the page over the next few days...so stop on by and check it out, tell your friends, tell everyone, and join the fight against mental health!

So pop by and visit:

Eliminate the Stigma Against Mental Health

"All That I Am, All That I Ever Was"

Continue with me on my journey at Wordpress...

The move is complete - my new web address...

My 64 Months in Australia - A Retrospective

Self Help Tips to help combat Panic and Anxiety

PaNiC aTtAcK

A Digg Article: "Trying to Understand Mental Illness"

Mental Health in Movies & TV #2: Secretary

Suicide Helpline

I am more than my Depression #1: Faerie Art

A change is coming...

"It'll be lonely this Christmas, without you..."

"Eliminate the Stigma of Mental Illness!" A new mental health blog...

Addy's Faves: The Best of 'All that I am...'

Why I called this blog "All that I am, all that I ever was..."

Emotional Abuse Part IV: Related Links

Paradise Down Under Part II: "Emigrating" is far different than "traveling"

The let's answer people's "google searches" post!

Mental Health in Film & TV #1: "Takin' Over the Asylum" (BBC Scotland)

*New* Internet Mental Health Forum

Regrets. Can they ever be forgiven?

YouTube: Time Crash The Doctor can help cure depression!

Youtube: Laughter is the best medicine!

My Squidoo: Elimate the Stigma Against Mental Health!

New Internet Mental Health Forum