lowercase k

blah, blah, blah

2007-08-26T19:32:00.000-04:00

I feel like there is a lot of catching up that I need to do, but I don't know where to begin, so why bother. I will just post when I can and about whatever I feel like. So here's another blah blah blah. So moving here has been a bit lonely. I figured it would be awesome, a nice house, in a great area for a great price. That would be all that I needed. Did I mention that we just wanted to get away?! Away from everyone getting pregnant, away from all of our friends making their family bigger, away from a shitty job, away from all the pressure away from all the stupid doctors, that think they know what the problem is, but can't seem to help me, away from all the people that think they are helping but they aren't...just everything.

I'm just so done with people that think that they know, or think that they can help. You don't know what I have been through, you can't say the right thing, you can't fix it. Adoption seems to be our next step. As, we decided back before all the IVF stuff, we would adopt from China, but it's just so damn expensive. It's all I want is to make my family bigger, but fro crying out loud, must it be so damn expensive? So, we wait. It doesn't help that I am not working right now. But my job had no positions for me and there was no place to go. We were just going to live off of hubby's salary, but I'm bored and that will take us awhile to save up for adoption. man am I bored.

I have no friends here, I miss going out. I miss having things to do. Did I mention that I wasn't working. Did I mention I was bored? Anyway, North Carolina is lonely and I need a job. I just started sending resumes out, but I forgot what a pain in the arse it is to get a job. I hope this ends soon. OMG and Carolina is all about kids. That's the first thing people ask you? Do you have kids? How many kids do you have? UGH, I'm surviving. I have had my losing crying bouts, but I'm dealing. I know I won't be forever without kids. I may be without giving birth, but I will not live without having children. Mainly, because I see what my parents are doing to (I'm an only child) and I need kids to take care of me when I'm older. Yeah, that's the only reason. ;)

it's my birthday

2007-08-19T23:10:00.000-04:00

yeah, I'm to the point where I am vying for attention. I did just turn 33, double numbers just always seems a little cooler than the rest. This is a new year and the new year starts with my birthday. In June we moved to North Carolina. Yes, we left the city, our cute lil house, my job, our gorgeous lil city of Hampden, and all of our friends. The latter has been the worst. Our house sold within a week of being on the market (yes, I realize that we were wicked lucky!). But we made that place into an awesome lil home! I left that crappy job, thank goodness. And the city and our friends are what I miss most. Family too, I guess. I kinda like being alone. I feel like the stress of being the nonfertile one has lessened. My family didn't do it on purpose, I'm sure, but the stress of their world is lifted being away.

I don't have a job yet, but I just started looking last week. I was enjoying not working and unpacking. Now, though, I am to the point that I am bored and need something to do. Therefore, back to work I go. Plus, I miss buying stuff. Yeah, we could survive off of Hubby's earnings, but I like it more when I can do what I want when I want. So, enough of that! I'm looking for the perfect job, if it's out there. Well, the perfect job for me, for now. I don't know what that is, but I am looking for it. Keep an eye out for me. ;)

We bought an awesome house in a little town that seems to be growing. We were looking for at least half an acre and not too far from hubby's job. We found it and at a not too shabby price. We love our house, we love our property and we love that it's brand spanking new. Our last house was over 80 years old, rehabbed yes, but still old. I almost feel like we shouldn't have a nice house like this, but we do and I love it. I just wish that all of my friends were in NC too. Hubby was able to transfer and we are not too far from his office. We pretty much felt as though it was an opportunity that we could not pass up. So, we didn't. Plus, a new beginning was in order. I'm sure any of you that have read this thing know that's the truth.

Well, my birthday is almost over. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

a year later

2007-08-19T22:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, so it's been a year. I was the furthest I have ever been with the highest numbers I ever had. I was thrilled, then I found out they stopped rising and I was going to have another miscarriage. This one wouldn't work itself out. Nor would methotrexate speed the process up. I had to go to the hospital and have a D&C. Basically, surgically remove everything under anesthesia. So, on August 17th 2006, I went to GBMC and had the procedure done. I was...there are no words to describe my feelings. Plus, Honestly, I think I blocked them all out. I was beyond frustrated, to say the very least. It was two days before my birthday and this was a hell of a present. More like a curse.

We got a puppy miniature Australian Shepherd the next month. His name is Coburn, he's named after James Coburn and his full name is Coburn Flint (our lastname). He's pretty awesome. So our fifth year of trying is unsuccessful human baby wise, but filled with another furbaby. It was one of our worst years yet if it didn't happen we wouldn't have Coburn. So, go figure, we have no idea how to feel about the year on a whole. I was so happy the day we picked him up! The crate training and all of the clean up were not so happy days. But it came with the territory. It was the closest that we knew to having a baby. Up in the middle of the night at least twice a night and clean up even worse. But we loved him and we were in for the long haul! Guinness was not too happy, but she's trying to deal, still. We couldn't stay our late, we had to leave at lunch to walk him, we had to wake up early. It was a pretty similar conversation to our friends that were new parents. So, he's now a year and a sweetheart!

more in a bit...

2006-08-10T22:37:00.000-04:00

I was so pregnant. Now, it's over. I am done.

quick update

2006-07-30T22:46:00.000-04:00

...then I will come back when I get a chance with whatever.

I am SO Pregnant!

My betas came back at 2910!!!!

I have never made it over 1000!

I have never made it to this third beta!

I am SO having a baby (or two)!!!!!!

Needless to say, wicked excited!

freakin' out

2006-07-26T10:53:00.000-04:00

Friday we got great news! My blood test revealed that my numbers went up to 246! We were very excited! I go back again on Friday to make sure that all is still well. I am so effin' nervous I don't know what to do with myself. Again, One minute I am wicked confident, the next I am wicked nervous! I don't even know what to do. I know that I have to keep thinking positive, but because everything is so different I don't know what or how to feel.

The wedding was nice, very small. We didn't know anyone but of course hubby's parents and and the bride and groom. Our niece and nephew were there, but that was more like babysitting. It was held at the groom's parents house. Their house was amazing. It was on a hill on a lake. They had a dock, a pontoon boat, and a gorgeous view! It poured while we were driving over, but the sun then made an appearance and stayed for the rest of the evening. It made for a nice evening. I decided that I would drink something in a cup not a beer. Which I guess in itself is kinda weird, but not really when there is free alcohol. My MIL was quite curious as to what I was drinking. She asked, Are you drinking a beer in a cup with a straw?. I thought that was a dumb question until I realized that she was asking because she wanted to know if I was drinking something alcoholic. That was her clever way of finding out if I was pregnant or not. I was annoyed. I gave hubby a look and said, No, there's alcohol over there, no need for beer in a cup.

Since we didn't know anyone we pretty much just stood around for awhile. They thought that it would be fun for the parents and the bride and groom to go around the lake in the pontoon boat. Well they were gone for like an hour. Kinda bored. I'm sure that it was nice for them though. I just thought that it was difficult when no one knew each other and the wedding guests consisted of like 12 people. The bride and grrom of course were the only ones that knew everyone, so they weren't available for introductions. Since hubby drank both of our glasses of champagne he was ready to talk to people. Made the night a little more socialable.

When they got back, MIL became a little more bold and decided to ask exactly what I was drinking and took my drink and tried to drink it. I was in the middle of a conversation with hubby and the groom about our trip to the football hall of fame and just gaped in awe. I couldn't believe that she would do that. I grabbed it from her and told her that it was a vodka and tonic. I was like are you freaking kidding me?! What the hell are you doing? She's like I want to know what you are drinking. I just shook my head. I didn't know what to say. I was livid! She's like, oh vodka and tonic, that's too much for me. I was like yeah, that's why it's MY drink!
I couldn't get over it. I was pissed for the rest of the night. Hubby didn't even see it happen. But he understood why I was upset. I tried so hard to just ignore it. I mean, she deserves to know, but she deserves to know when I tell her. The bride does not deserve to have her weekend taken away by our joy. I tried to forget it, but it really pissed me off. I'm still annoyed by it. I want to tell her, but I don't want her to butt her way into my business. I will tell her when I am ready and that's that.

The drive was long, we did it in four days. Two days there, two days back. The Football Hall of Fame was pretty awesome! Like hubby said, I think that it was much better since I have been a fan of quite a few teams in my life. It made for more interesting. The only really bad thing was it was the year after the Steelers and well, I pretty much can't stand them and their stupid quarterback (sorry J, but that was stupid). I've also been a fan of quite a few different players, so to see their sotries, shoes, jerseys, gloves, or whatever was cool! Even seeing all their bronzed heads. Realizing the years that they were entered into the hall of fame, stuff like that. It was just pretty awesome!

Glad to be home again.

Gotta go back to work today...SHIT! *sigh*

basket case

2006-07-19T22:39:00.000-04:00

That's me, that's what I have been for the last few days. One second I am wicked nervous and positive that this didn't work. The next I was wicked excited and just 'knew' I was pregnant. I have been driving hubby NUTS. I was freakin' out last night. I didn't even want to go to bed, I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep.

I woke up this morning as positive as I could be. I was even in the shower singing about how I was going to find out I was pregnant today. Yeah, I know, I'm a dork!
I headed over to the office and got mad because I couldn't find a parking spot right up front. I mean come one people, I just want to run in give my blood and go! Well I got in and the place was packed, I mean like I was gong to have to sit next to someone in the waiting room, if not two people. UGH, just let me get this over. I sign in, as soon as I look up I see them, my wonderful nurses. They wave me over. I'm like phew, I don't have to sit next to the woman with the little one in her arms.
I mean come on people, DON'T bring your children to the Fertility Center to wait for you?!!! Effin' idiots, like we don't feel like shite already!!
Anyhow, I go over smiling and they immediately accuse me of cheating. Cheating being that I took a home pregnancy test and already know my results. No ladies, I promise you I didn't cheat. They laughed, yeah right. I said I swear, I did not cheat. I so wanted to, but I didn't. They ask me how I feel. I tell them one second this the other that. They ask how does my belly feel, I say heavy, bloated, extremely bloated. they say, that's good. The ask how do my boobs feel, I say aha, that's the thing they don't feel any different. They say, that's ok, you have a positive attitude, that means you will have a positive test. Blood is taken by, we'll call her The Bearer of Great News. TBGN tells me that she will have so and so rub it on her belly before she takes it back. Pregnant bellies are good luck, did you know it? Specially for those of us struggling, doesn't quite make sense, I sure don't want to be around pregnant people. Well, I do now. Oh well. She also says that if she gets the results early... see I call back at 1 and they tell me the results. Oh the agony!...she will call me and let me know.

I get to work and realize that I am the only one there in the morning, I can't exactly freak out when she calls to tell me. And, I will shirley freak out, no matter what the heck she says to me. I text message her and tell her not to call me because I will not be able to react properly and it'll make for worse. Then hubby calls. He's like Soooo. Kinda like he did you get the results yet. Knowing full well, I don't get those until 1. He's says, just kidding and asks how it went. I go into the story of how they accused me of cheating and how we all laughed and what they thought, blah, blah, blah. Then my other line rings and I see it's Dr. so and so's office. I'm like shite, the doctor's office is calling. He's like go answer it. I'm like, I don't want to. I just freakin' left there not even an hour ago. how do they have the results already. OMG. So, I answer it. TBGN says "lowercasek, its TBGN...and the rest was a blur. I just remember her saying something along the lines of it looks good. Your test was positive and the numbers look great you are over 100. I'm in hysterics, I'm crying, I'm laughing. I'm like are you sure that was mine? Are you sure, really? No way? Really?! really?! Holy Crap! that's all I remember. I barely remember what I said to hubby.

I called him back and I just blurted (screamed) it out "I'M PREGNANT!!"

I have done this part before. It's the stuff later that I can't seem to do well. Friday I go for repeats, make sure that my betas are doubling at a fantabulous rate! Then I go back again the next friday, that's the one I worry about. Those numbers better blow everything away!

And, I think that I'm a basket case now?! UGH...

beta numbers

2006-07-19T22:09:00.000-04:00

what are those you ask? Those are the numbers that you get as a result of the HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin) test done upon your blood to determine how pregnant you are.

Mine were 111.

So, yes, I did have a positive pregnancy test! Yes, I am excited, can't you tell?! Ok, well, I'm more in shock than I am excited. I mean I don't have any "symptoms". I don't have my usual "symptoms", of course, my usual "symptoms" meant, 1) I was pregnant, but the embryo impanted in the wrong area 2) I have had "symptoms" three other times, but you don't see me with any children. and 3) "symptoms" are overrated! Mind you, I'm not complaining that I have no symptoms it's great. Enjoy it while it lasts right?! Repeats on Friday!

waiting

2006-07-14T22:00:00.000-04:00

As usual...the waiting game sucks. There isn't a fancy way to describe it, it just sucks! Plain and simple. I had my transfer 5 days ago and all I can think about is what should I be feeling right now? What did I feel before, is this the same, is it different? If so, what's the same, what's different? Different is good, right? I mean I want things to end up differently this time. I have so much faith and desire for this to turn out differently, but every now and again that doubt sneaks in and I scare the crap out of myself. I mean seriously, what will I do if this ends in any way similar to the last few times?

I keep talking to my tummy. I keep telling those blastocysts to implant in my uterus. And yes, plural is what I say, I will take plural. It will be hard as hell, but I will take plural! I even want plural. I know that this will work! I will be pregnant on Wednesday! I will remain pregnant until I give birth to one, two, or even three healthy babies!

Every twinge I feel I wonder, when I don't feel twinges, I wonder. Earlier, I was searching the interweb for any firsthand experiences. Even though I know that not everyone is the same. I guess I'm really just trying to figure out if I can wait until Wednesday or if I will be tempted to POAS.

I AM OBSESSED, can you blame me?

transfer DONE!!

2006-07-10T17:55:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I have missed a lot. I'm lazy, what else is new?
Monitoring started on about Monday the 26th, every other day of bloodwork and ultrasounds, fun.not. Then on about Wednesday the 28th I had to go in everyday. yeah, that was even more fun.

Retrieval was on Thursday July 6th. I was asleep for the whole thing, but afterwards, it's called pain. And, they expect to me to take tylenol for that kind of pain. That's just inhumane. I pretty much didn't move all day and sat around with a heating pad on. Pretty lazy, but nice to not have to work.

Friday, I was still in pain, but I managed to get out of the house and run a couple of errands. After walking around for awhile, I realized that I just wanted to go back home and sit on my couch.

Saturday, I felt much better and we took off for Quiet Waters Park to rent some kayaks. That was awesome! We got to check out the dog park without the dog drool. The dogs are pretty cool when they just jump off the platform into the water to retrieve their toys. It's cute! Then we got to check out some Osprey flying about, even saw three of them attacking a Great Blue Heron. We weren't sure why, but it was cool. We saw some horseshoe crab shells on the coast. And the most exciting we got to see a Belted Kingfisher!! I was so excited, ever since we got back from Australia, I love kingfishers! Kookaburras being the most gorgeous and vocal of them all. But to see one of their relatives in the states was amazing! Oh and the kayaking was fun too! I think that when we buy some kayaks we are leaning towards sit on tops. I had more control with this one.

Sunday, was the Transfer. That went well and quickly.
cute lil' story...When one of my favorite nurses was putting all the stuff away she found a ladybug. She brought it out to me and told me that it was a sign. Ladybugs are good luck, did you know it? I was quite excited, can you tell I'll take anything that I can get?! Plus, I love ladybugs, but my favorite bug is a lightening bug. We just never had them in California, so, they are so exciting to me!

Well, since hubby had to wait on me hand and foot on Sunday he was in the kitchen grabbing me some lunch or something. He yells to me, I got another sign for you. I was like, no way, another ladybug? He opens his hands and there is a lightening bug! I was ecstatic. I think the lightening bug flew in just to wish me luck! Now, hopefully there are two bugs snug in my uterus right about now! That would be perfect!

I know, I know, it's all so cheesy. I just will take whatever the hell I can get this time. I said Bring It On, didn't I?! Oh, you didn't realize I was going to 'lay it on'?! Get over it! ;)

IVF #2

2006-06-26T21:58:00.000-04:00

Ok, so, IVF #2 is underway. I started lupron and baby aspirin on June 10th, stopped BCP's on June 14th. I started stims on June 22nd. Blood work every two days since thursday the 22nd. I am starting to feel the twinges of the stims but I'm ok. I have a lot of faith in the cycle, just like I did last time, but this is it. THIS IS MY LAST CYCLE! I have confirmed it with the nurses. They were excited to see me, but one nurse said it for me. She's one of my favorites, 'She's like I'm excited to see you, but I know that you are like I don't want to effin (she said the f word) see you or effin be here.' She was right, but at the same time I am extremely lucky because I have some awesome nurses that truly care about me! She mentioned how she would rather see me at the Giant. One even mentioned at Wegmans. If I could handle Wegmans or if it was closer to my house, I would totally be there! That place is amazing!

When I went in on sunday another nurse mentioned it to me she said, 'Look at me! She said this is your last cycle! You have to get pregnant, the pressure is on!'
She's right, the pressure is on, but I know that we can do this. I know that my body can do this, I know that this will work. I know that I will be in the 42% that gets pregnant, stays pregnant, and goes on to deliver a baby or the 31% that goes on to deliver twins! Like I said before, BRING IT ON!

not much to report

2006-06-08T21:27:00.000-04:00

Just the same ole' same ole'...still on the pill, start lupron on Saturday.

But what is Saturday? Saturday is good ole' HonFest! Yeah, it's cheesy, yeah, the Hon (both bar and restaurant) have become down right scary. But, it brings mad tourism back to Baltimore! And, that is a great thing! That, and it's a hop, skip, and a jump from my house. Who doesn't enjoy a festival in their very own neighborhood?! Also, it gets me more excited for summer and even when summer ends, I'm greeted with another fantabulous, even better festival, HampdenFest!!! I get to drink at HonFest...may I not be able to drink at HampdenFest!!! ;)

So, let summer begin!

back to the drawing board

2006-05-23T22:49:00.000-04:00

Well, it turns out our first IVF cycle failed. I'm very happy it's not another miscarriage, but it's not over and I'm freaked. I was all fine and dandy about moving on. A failed IVF cycle is not a miscarriage, there was no implantation, but to some extent, ineed to go through this again. UGH.

We had a meeting with the RE(last post on the page) today. She explained that they had no idea why this didn't work and how everything looked great. (yeah, thanks, that makes me feel better). I just wasted my two best fertilized embryos and I'm not pregnant. We have absolutely no idea why you can't get and stay pregnant nor do we have any idea why this, everything went perfectly IVF cycle, didn't work for you either. There is absolutely no medical reason why you can't get and stay pregnant, even though we are doctors and specialists, but yeah, we don't know.

She also gave us our options, a Frozen embryo cycle or going through a whole new fresh cycle like I just did. Injections, pills, retrieval, transfer and all the goodness. UGH. We decided that we would go with a frozen cycle and pay out of pocket if it was $4000 or lower. The results have a lower chance because of the thawing and everything else but it's less on me physically. We just figure it's worth it. The end result would all be worth it. It turns out that it costs $3900, so that made the decision for us. Come to find out that Blue Cross Blue Shield only covers 2 attempts, which we knew, BUT means whether we pay or they pay. 2 Attempts are two attempts no matter what. Are you EFFING Kidding me!!!!!!! If I pay that should make no difference in what insurance covers. This is so EFFING rickydiculous!!!! I hate insurance. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are some people that have no coverage at all and that really blows, especially since it's mandated in so many states these days. But come on. If I want to pay, I should be able to pay and you can get the next one, DAMNIT!!

Well, since that is the case, I guess we move on to another fresh cycle. I will do a month of BCP (oh, that's birth control pills for those not in TTC land(Trying To Conceive)). And, then the cycle after that will be the everything that I have just been through. I'm tired and it's a lot
but it's the end result that is all worth it.

For now, I'm just getting DRUNK.

Infertility SUCKS!

Jan- you're a sweetie! Thanks for stopping in and checking on me.

liz-it's lovely to hear from you again! KIT

zenchick-thanks for the thoughts, hope that you are well

Snay-you too, thanks for lookin' out.

angel-I know that you are out there. Thank You!

mother's day

2006-05-16T21:33:00.000-04:00

It's one of those weird clubs that I feel like I missed tryouts for. Or the coach cut me from the team. I have wanted to participate in but not be the daughter or granddaughter. And, I have tried for the last four years. When Mother's Day came around all I wanted was to surprise our moms and my grandmother with telling them "I'm pregnant". That hasn't happened either. I feel like I'm asking for pity, I'm not, nor do I mean to. I guess, just know that if you happen to know anyone that is going through infertility, Mother's Day is the worst holiday ever.

Well, it's over and there's so much hope in this Mother's Day that I didn't even care. I am so excited for the outcome of this cycle it has brought me out of my funk. I'm not as nervous as I have been, I'm not even freaking out. I'm excited. I'm excited to surpass all expectations with flying colors and then some. I know that this will happen, I've done it up until now, so why not continue right?

Come on twins!! ;)

ETA:
In all the excitement I forgot to wish my mostest wonderfullest hubby a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! love you

results

2006-05-10T15:01:00.000-04:00

Ok, so, out of the 28 we had 24 fertilize normally. Have I mentioned that I feel like a dog? I mean this is more than a litter! Anyway, 24 fertilized normally, that's freakin' amazing! I don't even know what to do. I'm excited, I'm scared. I don't even know what to do. Transfer will be on friday.

Today, I'm resting again. It feels good to relax. Just thought that I would update. For those of you in cyberspace that I don't get to talk to very often! Wish me luck.

retrieval

2006-05-09T14:45:00.000-04:00

What is it about In-Vitro Fertilization that scares the crap out of people? Is it the thought of the famous McCaughey septuplets? Is it all the 'Lifetime' specials? Is it the thought that IVF is not "natural"? Or are all those, the reasons that people that don't know about IVF assume that you will either have septuplets or some wierd kind of test tube babies?!

Either way, I never thought that I would have to go through IVF. I always thought that you just stop protecting and it will happen. Then I realized that there is a timing method for all this. Man, all these teenage mothers here in Hampden really know how to time it right! Then I realized that not only do we have to time things perfectly but even though you are pregnant deosn't mean that you will have a baby. They say that the third time is a charm. They say it a lot. I think that I will start a new saying...well, around the end of the month and I have results of the blood test.

I had my retrieval today. I am at risk for ovarian hyperstimulation, why you ask? that's the fun of IVF. They were able to retreive 28 eggs. That's a lot of eggs. Every time I had an ultrasound the person would make some sort of comment, like "whoa" or "wow". Now, I know why! Anyway, all the drugs and everything cause for hyperstimulation. I need to take it easy and stay hydrated. So, I am doing just that.

I will find out tomorrow how many fertilized. I will find out the grade of each of them. Most likely, with my age, they will only put two back, but I will also find out how many they will put back. Friday should be Transfer. I am excited. This has been a rough road, that I never though that I would travel. I think that I want to turn left.

my world

2006-05-02T23:43:00.000-04:00

I have a lot going on and I barely remember the last time I blogged. Luckily, there's a date on each blog. I'm in the midsT of my first IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycle. I'm injecting myself with drugs three or four times a day. I'm excited for this cycle because it does bypass the majority of reasons why I have had three miscarriages. I'm looking forward to the outcome. I was lucky(?) enough to have the RE "call" my miscarriages ectopic so insurance completely covers it. That's the main reason why we are on this trek. I only have two attempts for a lifetime. This better effin' work! So, I'm pretty stressed about that and am trying oh so very hard NOT to be stressed. this is the number 1 thing on my mind. One of my employee's girlfriend just had a baby last week. He brought her in today. She's gorgeous! I want one. IVF=SUCCESS, that's what I am thinking and wishing right now.
BABIES BABIES BABIES!!!I think retrieval and transfer is next week.

I like my job, but I want a different position. So, I applied, I interviewed and I want even more. I will find out soon.

My grandmother has osteoporosis, she broke her femur last week. Yes, the biggest bone in one's body and she broke it. She's 80 and surgery wasn't fun, but she did it. She's out of hospital, in an assisted living home for rehabilitation. She should only be there for about another week or so, but my family is going nuts. but, that's just the way they roll. She's doing better, a lot better, but the family makes for worse. *sigh*

I guess, if you know me send me some good luck vibes!

where to begin?

2006-03-29T20:56:00.000-05:00

So we got back from Australia and we just want to go back. Yeah, yesterday was nice and today was nicer, but it's no shorts and flip flop weather. It's no beach going, getting a tan, and enjoying the sun kinda days! I miss them, I love that life...no working, enjoying my day, eat what I want, and drink what I want, oh I miss it so much!

I had so much fun that I don't even know where to begin and I feel like I always say that. I should have been like hubby and taken notes. I lose, I just printed most of the photos out. I just need to put them together and get them in an album. I have album all picked out and everything. I have the pen that I will use to write the lil' comments. I'm ready, now I just have to do it.

Oh, and No Worries Mate, I was no where near the cyclone area. Australia is a HUGE country, remember, it's a continent.

Would you all care if I moved to Australia? I would still blog, I mean, not like I do now, but I would keep you all up to date. Really, I would. promise.

Lots to tell and not about the trip, be back soon.

two days away

2006-02-26T21:23:00.000-05:00

Holy crap! In two days I will be on an airplane for, well, forever. I can't remember the specifics but I think it's like 16 hours. I don't dare double check and know. ya know. I am so freakin' excited that I can't even explain it, but I am so nervous that I am going to forget something, like my contacts or something like that. Something that I can't get while I'm out there. Not that I have been here in awhile or that I update at all, but I'll be gone for awhile. Good luck while I'm gone, I'm gonna have a blast. Here I come dad!!!

valentime or no valentime

2006-02-14T22:10:00.000-05:00

For those who know me and are my friends, or those just passing by.

I just wanted to wish you all a Happy Valentime's Day! Whether you celebrate it or not.

But especially, Happy Valentime's Day to my hubby. Even though we don't "celebrate" it's another day for me to tell you that I love you and appreciate you.

Being cool isn't as easy as it was in high school...

2006-02-02T22:18:00.000-05:00

So, I'm discovering that at 31 it's not so easy to be "cool" anymore. "hip" or "down", or "with it", if you will. I always told myself that I wouldn't let myself become uncool no matter my age. I didn't want to be the one wearing pegged jeans when boot leg was sooo in! I always wanted to be able to keep up, one way or another.

The other day, I was at the Gym, I have just been hitting 'Shuffle Songs' on my boring 4th generation ipod to get my variety. I find that I do skip a few, but, there are some songs that I just JAM OUT to! The other day that song was 'Once' by Pearl Jam, off of one of the greatest albums ever. That's right I said album. I mean I was on the eliptical machine just jammin', pumping my arms, working my legs, in my own world. Lip syncing the whole time, with my eyes closed even. I love pretty much anything off of their album Ten. As a matter of fact, I was in high school when the album came out. Ya know, I rock out to this album everytime I hear it, but these songs are like 15 years old. I mean a child that was born in 1991 will soon be driving. I mean with their parents or someone over 25 mind you, but still. Or has that changed? Any way, these kids are nearly the same age I was when the album came out. *breath* Whew, that's a bit overwhelming. Still, not my point...that's a whole nother issue...

At the gym I jam to my pod. In my car, I jam to my pod or listen to NPR (I never thought that I'd be listening to NPR, but it's very informative. Man, I am getting old.) even the new Jack station if in the mood, while at work there is music chosen for me. At home, I have tivo, I watch the shows that I want to, nothing more, nothing different.
So, what I am saying here is I don't know what the "with it, down, hip, cool" music is anymore. I thought that I could do this, ya know, keeping up with what was "in". And now, I just don't know anymore. I turned on 92Q the other day and heard some ridiculous song about Laffy Taffy. Now, I couldn't understand all of what these people were saying, but, were they really talking about that candy that I use to eat as a young'n while reading the jokes on the wrappers as my mouth was filled with watermelon flavored plasticyness?

Welcome Jesse and Molly

2006-01-22T20:09:00.000-05:00

One of my dearest friends just had twins. She and I have been through this infertility roller coaster for awhile together. Her journey has ended with the reward of two Beautiful babies! I am so freakin' happy for her!! Soon the streets of New York will be shining bright with her smiles as she walks around to show them off to the world. She had a harrowing experience, but she's such a strong person she came out of it with bells on! I am so happy for her that I could burst. I can't wait to meet these beautiful new additions to this world. Congratulations to you, my dear, and your family! I wish you all the best! Look at them, aren't they just adorable?!

Who do you cheer for when your team is out?

2006-01-14T21:43:00.000-05:00

I can't stand the way people suddenly find "their favorite team's" jersey when the team is in the playoffs. While at work today I saw so many Redskins jerseys I wanted to puke! I mean come on you're either a fan or not. Don't be one of those lame asses, wear your jersey all season or not at all! DUMB ASS!

I still wear my Jamal Lewis Jersey, mind you I will probably get an Ed REED jersey in the off season, but still! I'm a Ravens fan win or lose. Unfortunately, it's a lot more losing than winning, but they're still my team.

Ok, so, I sit here and I watch the Patriots/Broncos game and I'm wicked nervous. Almost like I'm watching my own Ravens, but not as pissed off or disappointed. These Refs aren't doing shite! What the hell game are they watching?! Did you not see that that was clearly an interception? (that was overturned, thank goodness) Did you not see that that was clearly offensive pass interference?! Did you not see #72 totally flinched before the ball was snapped? I think tivo is killing my spirit in the Refs. That or the Refs just suck! Come on Patriots!!! Oh yeah and I'm cheering for the Patriots because I spent my college years in New England, our(hubby and mine) roommate is a hugemongusfan! He was so upset when the Packers beat the crap out of the Patriots that he kicked a whole in our bathroom wall. Still got our security deposit back though. Patriots were my 2nd favorite team, I'm allowed.

I watched the Seahawks/Redskins game off and on earlier. I wanted the Seahawks to kick the crap out of the Redskins, sorry, but I got no love for the redskins. I don't care how close to Baltimore or how much my family loves the team (when they're winning), I don't like the Redskins and I don't cheer for them. Plus, I want to rub it in the faces of my co-workers that claim they're Redskins Fans. So, I cheered for the Seahawks!

Tomorrow, I will cheer for the Bears, Hubby is originally from Chicago so, that's my excuse on that one. As for the Colts, I guess I can cheer for them. Manning is just so awesome in that credit card commercial. That commercial absolutely cracks me up! Plus, I hate the Steelers!!

I love the playoffs, just wish we were playing in them. *sigh*

Resolutions schmezolutions...

2006-01-11T16:28:00.000-05:00

Ok, so it's been 2006 for over a week. I probably should have said this sooner, but it's better late than never, right!

I'm going to try and be more diligent in the new year. It's not so much a resolution, just because I don't do resolutions. Not because I fail when I try just because I forget what they were. Or a I forget where I wrote them down. So, I don't really break resolutions I just don't make them. Why bother?

There are a few things that I am working on in the new year but NOT because it's a new year. I am working on my weight right now. Eating only specific things, NOT drinking (oh, that's killin' me), going to the gym. Ya know the usual but like I said, NOT because it's a new year. We are going to visit my dad in March! I'm very excited to both see my dad and be on a beach again. THE BEACH, see that's the reason I am eating specific and not drinking! Makes more sense now, huh?!

I am also trying to be happier with my job. You know while I'm there, smile more, be more cheery. Ok, maybe not happier but try to seem that way at least. Ya know motivate my people to be happy.
The end of the year also meaning that it's another dinner that I have to pay for out of my pocket to celebrate the success of the year. Me and my 6 employees. Either way you look at it, even Mickey D's would be expensive. I can't even imagine where they want to go. I don't even want to go. I kinda just want to send them all out and not go. That's bad. Oh well. Gotta do what you gotta do.

I am also trying to accomplish a few things. I'm not saying them out loud because then I would have a place to find them.

just a little catch up

2005-12-28T22:11:00.000-05:00

Well, it turned out the miscarriage did not go as planned. This one decided to be difficult, kinda like the last one, but not as exciting. My numbers dropped and then rose and then dropped and then rose again. Much blood was given, many tests were done and methotrexate ended it all. That was a pain, but not as bad as last time. Got through it and tomorrow is another day.

Last year I hated christmas. All this miscarriage stuff was too much to take. This year it took awhile, but I finally got in the mood around the 22nd or so. Retail will knock your spirit a bit, but I finally brushed it off and went with the flow. I like Christmas, not only do you receive gifts, but you also get to give gifts. I just hope everyone likes them as much as I think that they will. I hope that when they open it, their smile is as big as mine is. I'm almost hoping that they will bust out with "Just what I have always wanted, how did you guess/ know?". It never happens, but I always hope. I was actually able to get out of work for a few days too.

Oh, did I mention I went to the Christmas Night Ravens Game? Did I mention that the tix were in the suite? Man, was that sweet! We got a parking pass, no parking trouble (just jerks directing traffic). Walked right in, there was actually a line for the females to enter, weird. Took the elevator to the 3rd level and found the suite. Room had a few people, even knew a few people. The beer began, the food flowed, and even conversations commenced. Took my other mother or to you all my mother-in-law, we saved our seats and got ready. We were a bit early, but that's ok, we ate, drank, and were merry. Crabcakes, Shrimp, Turkey, Pizza, Crab dip and more. And football all around. The Bears/ Packers game was still on and the flat panel tvs were on two of the three walls. Three to be exact, oohh tv. The game was great, Kyle Boller, sorry, but I still have no faith in you. But, Thank you for not embarrassing us on National television. That I do appreciate! Thank you Mason for stepping up and Ed, as usual YOU ARE AMAZING!!. So glad that you are back. It was an impressive game, I even left there proud to be a Ravens fan. It was the last home game of the season, it was Nationally televised, we played well and won. There was free booze, free food, and a bathroom within seconds of my seat and tv's if I had to wait in line. If you couldn't tell I had a good time and so did my other mother. We came home to the hubbys watching Family Guy and then it was time for bed.

What a freakin' fantabulous Christmas! Man, I love football! I can't wait til August, start fresh and all. It's not even january and I'm already thinking of the preseason. *sigh*