Another Boring Blog

Knowing and being Known

2009-07-09T10:25:00.005-05:00

Note: The text of this post is copied (with some editing) from a comment I posted on another friend's blog.
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Ah, to know and be known. I had one of those relationships back in high school. That first 'true love' when I realized that male-female relationships weren't really about tongue or no-tongue, but about sharing and shared experience.

I've been married now for almost 12 years and I still find knowing and being known a difficult matter. I love my wife dearly, yet there are things I find that remain unknown to her about me. Things that frankly, she just doesn't want to know. And that makes me sad.

We were talking the other night about our diaries. Before we married my wife wrote in her diary almost daily. In the first year of our marriage we had a heated discussion about whether our diaries were available to be read by the other person. I argued loudly in favor of openness in our relationship - and therefore diaries should be open books so to speak. Last night I found out that this has been the primary reason that my wife has ceased writing in her diary. Our diaries are now off-limits to each other. I want her to have that freedom to write without editing - to vent without fearing that I may read it and misunderstand. Blogs are free reign, however.

On the flip-side, I'm making it a point to include my wife in my life more frequently. To share my frustrations and my dreams. It's not as easy as it used to be when I was in high school - when we scrutinized every aspect of each others lives and felt that rush of hormones coursing through our bodies. Now it's less infatuation and more choice. I still dream of that romantic notion of the perfect person who knows me completely and accepts me unconditionally. In reality, that isn't a woman. It's God.

Reproductive Sex

2009-06-02T08:02:00.003-05:00

I've been lied to. Despite everything I've seen on TV and in the movies, making babies is not much fun. Don't get me wrong, it's still fun. I mean it's definitely more fun than scooping the litterbox. Maybe I'm just too old for this.

I love science and all, but cycles and ovulatory calculations don't make for good foreplay. Not to mention my favorite show is on tonight and I've got to get up tomorrow at 5:30am. How are we supposed to fit this in?

We've waited too long. Now it all feels rushed. Next year is the big 40 finish line and how the hell did that get here so fast? Having kids was one of those things I just took for granted. I never expected to marry a woman who wasn't that interested in the prospect. I guess it serves me right for being one of those sexist men who think all women have this built in maternal instinct.

I wish I had someone else to blame, but it's just me. I asked her to marry me. I didn't push the issue. I kept putting it off. And now I don't want to go to all the effort of staying up late and fighting with my wife to have lousy but reproductive sex.

-T

Religion and Politics

2009-05-18T16:47:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if anyone can have an intelligent opinion about politics in America any more. Our headlines read like tabloids because it's all about the eyeballs in these, the last days, of the news media giants.

Sunday I was sitting in our men's group class and the discussion floated to politics. Being a church in Houston, TX, and affiliated with a Protestant denomination, there is a strong bent towards conservatism and the Republican party. The conversation quickly degenerated into Obama bashing. Usually, I just keep my mouth shut and ignore it, but when one of the men said Obama promised to get us out of Iraq, and we are still there, I couldn't contain myself. "Really?" I said, "we're still in Iraq after five months of the Obama administration and he's already broken that promise?" "Did you expect him to take office and then pull all of our troops out the next day?" Everyone in the room started to shift in their seats a bit. I think I was probably raising my voice and sounding like a crazed liberal at this point. I regret that.

Finally, he admitted that he just didn't like President Obama. My response was, okay, there we go - you are just biased. There's nothing wrong with being biased. I voted for Obama, so I'm a bit biased myself. What bothers me is when we demonize those in office. Obama isn't evil incarnate, and neither was George W. Bush. Both have made mistakes. I think all this government spending is a HUGE mistake personally. Government spending is actually one of the reasons I didn't vote for the Republican party. I felt that the Republicans had become as reckless with their spending as the Democrats. The Democrats have done their best to prove me wrong on that one.

And yet, the steps the Obama administration has begun to take to stop torture are the right direction. (Recently I've heard some things that make me wonder if he is going to back down on this issue). I think today, we as a nation are just beginning to earn back the respect of the world.

I get pretty emotional about this issue. How are we going to have productive conversations about the direction of our nation if we demonize those who disagree with us, labeling them as generally bad people. On the flip-side, how can we hope to better ourselves when we lionize the party we align ourselves with?

I don't know if you saw the controversial picture of the Obama's that appeared on the cover of the New Yorker. Personally, I found it hilarious. It portrayed them in their highly demonized form showing how ridiculous were the rumors flying around them. Vanity Fair did the same for the McCain camp and it's equally as ridiculous.

Addendum (5/19/2009):
I am adding here a quote from President Obama's speech last night at Notre Dame. Specifically he speaks to the controversy surrounding his speaking at a Catholic school when he is personally an avid pro-choice supporter. I think it speaks right to what I've been discussing above:

As I considered the controversy surrounding my visit here, I was reminded of an encounter I had during my Senate campaign, one that I describe in a book I wrote called "The Audacity of Hope." A few days after I won the Democratic nomination, I received an e-mail from a doctor who told me that while he voted for me in the Illinois primary, he had a serious concern that might prevent him from voting for me in the general election. He described himself as a Christian who was strongly pro-life -- but that was not what was preventing him potentially from voting for me.

What bothered the doctor was an entry that my campaign staff had posted on my website -- an entry that said I would fight "right-wing ideologues who want to take away a woman’s right to choose." The doctor said he had assumed I was a reasonable person, he supported my policy initiatives to help the poor and to lift up our educational system, but that if I truly believed that every pro-life individual was simply an ideologue who wanted to inflict suffering on women, then I was not very reasonable. He wrote, "I do not ask at this point that you oppose abortion, only that you speak about this issue in fair-minded words." Fair-minded words.

After I read the doctor’s letter, I wrote back to him and I thanked him. And I didn’t change my underlying position, but I did tell my staff to change the words on my website. And I said a prayer that night that I might extend the same presumption of good faith to others that the doctor had extended to me. Because when we do that -- when we open up our hearts and our minds to those who may not think precisely like we do or believe precisely what we believe -- that’s when we discover at least the possibility of common ground. - Barak Obama (italics mine)

To buy, or not to buy

2009-04-15T08:37:00.004-05:00

Spending this evening in my favorite local coffee shop hanging out and trying to drum up some computer consulting business. It's pretty slow, but I didn't expect an overwhelming response the first time out. It's amazing the lengths a person will go through to stop having to deliver pizza on the weekend.

My car. Is on its last legs. Its inspection is overdue and my mechanic confirms that the only way it's going to pass is an engine overhaul. It's a 1992 Mitsubishi Galant with over 215,000 miles on it. An engine overhaul would be like putting a new heart in a 110 year old with lung cancer and melanoma.

So, we are looking for a new(er) car, but don't have the cash laying around to buy something. To save up the cash would probably take a 6 months. We've got a pretty decent deal in the works, and it looks like we'll probably take out a loan. I'm trying to figure out a reason that this is okay. Dave Ramsey would probably chew my cheese. The Mits runs fine, but if I got busted driving it, we'd be getting a $500 fine. It's how I'm delivering pizzas on the weekend at present. So - out of fear of a $500 fine, I'm now looking at a $15,000 loan. That makes sense, doesn't it?

2009-04-01T12:13:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post to lay out where I am today. Things are going well for us financially right now. With my added jobs delivering pizza, doing computer consulting, and working as a teaching assistant in the med center, we've got some good money rolling in. We got a bonus last month at work, we got our tax refund, and were able to pay our homeowner's insurance, close out a credit card, and kick some money back into our emergency fund.

It has felt good to be able to make a difference. I don't enjoy slinging pizza, and I'm looking to increase my consulting work to eventually replace it, but I have felt a lot more confident about myself. I find myself to be a person who can do what it takes to get it done. Three months ago, I wasn't so sure about that.

And I also have to remind myself that it isn't all up to me. God has given me endurance. God has been at work to bring hope. It's easy to put it all on my plate. We still have considerable debts to pay. We still have a long way to go. Paying off this first credit card was a milestone. Now that I'm seeing some light at the end of the tunnel it's a good time to remind myself that this has been a team effort so far and will continue to be a team effort going forward.

And on that blessed day when my creditors receive their last payment, what will I do then? I find myself day-dreaming about it. Selling our home and moving into town. Buying a motorcycle. Taking a vacation. I'm ashamed to find that most of my dreams are about spending all my money on me.

A friend of mine recently wrote on her blog about her daughter selling lemonade to raise money for a clean water charity. There are many charities around the world making a big difference in the lives of others. I've been putting off contributing to these causes (both financially and personally) because I'm focused on getting us financially free, and yet I know when we reach our goals, I'll have to make a concerted effort to get off my couch and shift my focus from myself.

This past Sunday our pastor spoke about life after death. Talk of heaven doesn't really do much for me. Praising God for all eternity may be great and all, but excuse my blasphemy here, it's not that appealing. That's not the end, though. The Bible teaches that our end is eventually a new earth. Whether it's a restoration of the current planet we live on, or Earth 2.0, I don't know, but THAT is appealing to me. I enjoy work. I look forward to working on that new Earth. I look forward to doing all the things I didn't have enough time for in this life. Going fishing. Playing cards with old friends until the wee hours of the morning...

And there is a lot to enjoy in this present life as well... and much of it doesn't involve money. The weather has been great lately, and I've taken time to enjoy it as I walk between buildings at work. I enjoy the camaraderie of my co-workers as we worry about the economy and our jobs.

Things are never perfect, but life IS good.

Top 10 reasons my Blackberry is more essential than my left hand

2009-03-25T15:51:00.004-05:00

With the recent economic hardships (drink) many companies are looking for ways to cut expenses. My current employer is no exception. Recently the techs in my division were asked by management to provide justification for our institutionally provided Blackberry devices. What follows is my response:

(Note: I work for a hospital which has a strict hand washing policy. Employees are to wash their hands thoroughly, ~30 secs scrubbing with soap and warm water, after every trip to the bathroom)

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My institutional Blackberry is an essential tool to my work as a Sys Analyst II. I use it for the following:

Staying in touch with clients and co-workers when I am away from my desk (about 50% of my working hours) via email and Blackberry Messenger app. With my left hand, I sometimes pat clients on the back reassuringly, but my right hand would function just as well.
Maintaining a current list of key passwords, volume licenses, and other protected data essential to my job function through the password manager app. I’ve tried writing all of this on my left hand, but the data fades after the multiple hand washings required by institutional policy. Additionally, my left hand is NOT password protected.
Making quick notes regarding client incidents using the notepad functionality. Again, I’ve tried this with my left hand, but sometimes a permanent pen is not available for writing on my left hand. The Blackberry does not require a separate writing instrument.
Scheduling appointments with clients and co-workers via the calendar. I’ve tried tying strings on my fingers of my left hand, but this hasn’t functioned well. I usually forget what the strings were there to remind me.
Managing daily tasks via the task application. Some days, my task list exceeds my five fingers. Doubling up on knuckles has proven ineffective.
Reading tech related news feeds via the browser. Palm reading has only proven effective in knowing my personal future. The future of technical innovation is much more muddled and my left palm doesn’t offer much insight.
Doing troubleshooting research via the browser (in a pinch). Actually, my left hand has proven pretty effective in troubleshooting. It’s great for checking that the power cord is plugged in.
Accessing the Internet/work network via Bluetooth or USB dial-up networking when I am unable to establish a wireless or wired network connection. My left hand has proven completely ineffective as a connection to the Internet. None of my fingers even fit into the Ethernet jack. And believe me, I’ve tried.
Remote VPN access via the RSA app. My left hand can change numerical values every 60 seconds, but unfortunately I can only get it to display a maximum of 120 finger combinations. (5 factorial)
Looking up institutional contact info via People Finder (browser app) or the Contacts app. Again, the hand washing policy is really a problem in this regard.

In summary, the Blackberry is an essential tool to keep me mobile and in touch while serving my clients. I’d still like to keep my left hand, though.

All your favorite reads, all in one place

2009-03-05T13:44:00.007-06:00

This post is specifically for my family and friends. A few years ago I figured out how to use an RSS Reader, and it has changed my life. Almost all news-based sites and Blogs have an RSS Feed. It's a simple way of alerting readers when a new article has been posted. Using these RSS Feeds makes it easy to find the latest articles posted at your favorite RSS enabled sites.

Why Use an RSS Reader?

So let's say you have some friends who have blogs that you like to read (this one for example). An RSS Reader will automatically check those sites and alert you when new articles have been posted. Not only that, but you can aggregate all your favorite sites in one place. Then, instead of bookmarking all your friends blogs, your favorite news sites and various other RSS enabled sites, you just subscribe to them using your RSS Reader and go to your reader to see everything.

Getting Started
Probably the best way to get started with RSS is through a browser-based RSS reader. Google Reader is one that I really like. You have to sign up for a google account, but after that, you just go to http://reader.google.com to setup up your RSS feeds.

Now, go to some of your favorite blogs and news sites. On the page look for the RSS icon. Click an icon, and your browser should take you to the RSS link for the page. Copy the URL and then go back to your Google Reader page. Click the "Add a Subscription" icon and paste your copied RSS link into the form.

If you use the Firefox browser there is a great add-on that can make adding RSS feeds even easier. It's called Better GReader and it will automatically notify you when a page you are browsing has an RSS feed. You just click the RSS icon in the upper right hand corner of the page and you can directly add it to your subscriptions right then and there. No copying and pasting required.

I'll probably talk some more about RSS readers in upcoming posts. If you haven't given it a try, do so. It takes a little getting used to, but once you do, I think you'll find having all your favorite news and blogs in one place is very nice.

Forgiveness

2009-02-23T09:07:00.003-06:00

I was deeply moved this morning by the "All Things Considered" podcast from the BBC. In the cast, Roy Jenkins, one of the men responsible for the 1984 bombing of the Grand Hotel in Bristol, talks with Jo Berry, the daughter of one of the men killed in the bombing.

Jo Berry's willingness to reach out to the man who killed her father... to try to understand him and his reasons for doing what he did humbled me deeply. She was driven to see his point of view. To understand him and his own humanity. At one point in the interview she is asked whether she has forgiven Roy for what he did, she replies that she has not, but she has come to understand who he is and where he is coming from. She said that if she were in his shoes, she would easily have done the same things he did, making forgiveness kind of a moot point.

I think it also had a profound affect on Roy Jenkins. He still believes in the reasons for the bombing. (Roy was a member of the Irish Republican Army, a terrorist organization). He was fighting the oppression of the British government. But he also feels great remorse towards the people that he hurt.

The parallels to Islamic terrorism are not hard to draw. The horrors we have seen in recent years, from car bombs to the suicide missions of the men who flew the planes on September 11th, are so easy to demonize. And yet, I can't help but think that at least some of these people are not simply unfeeling monsters. They care deeply about their cause. Shouldn't we take time to listen, to try to understand? I agree that negotiation with terrorists is fruitless, but how can we find peace if none of us are willing to try to understand each other?

Expectations

2009-02-17T08:29:00.002-06:00

Last night I listened to "This American Life" on my new iPod. The stories on the show were Valentine themed, of course, but one really struck me. It was about the friendship between two young children who are transgender. Both are boys, physically, but they dress as girls, and see themselves as girls.

The parents of one of the boys spoke about how their son enjoyed playing with dolls at a very young age. He was always very flamboyant, and enjoyed dressing up. Being caring parents, they encouraged him to be who he wanted to be. Now their son is asking to be called their daughter.

My heart aches for these two young men. The other kids at school are brutal. They have very few friends. My heart also goes out to the parents. They want their children to be happy - to be comfortable in who they are.

And yet, these two children are boys. They may wish they were girls and feel more comfortable acting and dressing like girls, but ultimately, they are not girls.

What put this idea in the heads of these kids that they are inwardly girls despite the outward evidence to the contrary? Societal expectations. Boys don't like playing with dolls, right? Boys are tough and rough, right? Boys don't cry. Boys aren't sensitive. Boys like sports. Boys wear blue, not pink. Boys have short hair. Boys like guns and killing stuff.

To me it is so clear that there is evil here. Isn't it evil that a young man who doesn't fit our societal mold of man-ness is then convinced that despite his physical appearance he is somehow woman? At this young age, this child has been set on the path to be an outcast for the rest of his life, all because he doesn't fit into the mold our society has made for him.

The Importance of Evaluation

2009-02-10T17:56:00.001-06:00

I spent the day today in a FranklinCovey seminar on "Focus." The first half of the seminar gave us a vision for why we need focus in our lives, the second half gave us practical ways for prioritizing and then maintaining our focus on the things that are truly important. (An hour of which was a blatant infomercial on the FranklinCovey Planner system. Yawn.)

My clear take away from today is that I spend too much of my time reacting and too little time planning. I've made to do lists, but my problem is that I don't check them regularly and evaluate my progress. I set reminders for an item, and then it just nags me and I eventually turn off the reminder and forget about it.

Here are some things I'm committing to do for at LEAST the next three weeks.
• Spend between 10 and 30 minutes each week planning for the upcoming week. For practical reasons, I'm blocking out Saturday mornings for this task.
• Schedule time at work to prioritize and schedule my day.
• Review the days tasks and appointments regularly (need to define what 'regularly' means)
• On worknights, head to bed around 9pm with a goal of sleeping at 10pm.
• Spend 5-10 minutes each evening reviewing my tasks and appointments and planning for the following day.

This is probably going to be a frustrating 3 weeks. Changing habits is difficult. I want to do this so I am the one choosing actively how I spend my time, rather than having it chosen for me.

Old Wives Tales

2009-02-06T13:36:00.002-06:00

If you have an account on Facebook, you have probably been accosted by the "25 Random Things about Me" chain-posting going around. I have refused to respond, but my wife posted one a day or so ago. In it she included the following two items:

The last time I wanted children was when I was 10. Doing Children's Theatre consistently for the past 15+ years makes me see both the beautiful and the ugly in children. But I have been asking God to change my heart if Todd & I are supposed to have any.
I don't cook. I can, but I don't like to waste my time doing something that will be gone in 5-10 minutes. I'd rather make something that will last for a lifetime. Now, I will, however, bake.

Now, neither of these items were a surprise to me. Shondra makes a mean Mac and Cheese, and can do wonders for a frozen pizza, but if I want a good bowl of red, it's up to me. The kids issue I've discussed in previous posts.

One of her Facebook friends saw the list and posted the following: "...learn to cook! It's so rewarding! Then you might change your mind about having children."

At first, I just laughed. Cooking = desire to have children. Hilarious.

Shondra wanders around the house barefoot all the time and that hasn't seemed to have much of an impact. I guess barefoot = pregnant does not hold true.

Back to the cooking equation, though - I enjoy cooking, and I do want to have kids. That's a bit weird. Maybe there is something to it.

Honey... let's make some dinner together tonight. :)

Biological Clock

2009-02-02T17:56:00.000-06:00

Apparently my biological clock is ticking. This isn't supposed to happen to guys, is it?

The wife and I have had the 'gloves off' for about 2 years and we're still childless. I wouldn't really say we're "trying" to have children, but we're not trying not to, if you get my double negative. We're both approaching 40, so our window of opportunity is getting narrower.

I feel this weird tension. It's nice not to have kids. I stay up late playing video games or watching the tube with my sweet wife. We sleep in on weekends and eat tortilla chips for dinner. On the other hand... it's hard to explain. My heart is just sad.

Yesterday while delivering pizza, I saw a father outside washing his car with his son and daughter. It wasn't some glorious fatherhood moment, but my heart just started aching.

One of the girls I work with found out she's pregnant recently. She's pretty young and newly married (one year anniversary coming up soon). She seems happy, but I know it has to be pretty scary for her and her husband. Neither of them have college degrees and both work at Papa John's. I know the money's got to be pretty tight. Initially I just felt angry when I found out she was pregnant.

Oh - my sister is pregnant too. She's a couple years younger than me and already has one daughter. That just pisses me off.

Several of my friends (and relatives who are friends :) have blogs which I read regularly. They all post pics of their kids with pithy kid stories. I really enjoy reading about their child-rearing escapades... their triumphs and their tragedies. But it also makes my heart ache.

Financially, the wife and I are just starting to make some headway. Whenever I think about having kids, I just see the bills stacking up in my mind. Clothing. Toys. Food. Diapers. Baby Wipes. More Clothes. More Food. I don't want to work at Papa John's for the rest of my life. I don't want to have kids and only get to spend a couple of hours a week with them (I have a feeling my wife doesn't want to have kids and only get a couple of hours a week AWAY from them.)

I appreciate your comments, but please don't say "having kids is totally worth it" or even "childlessness rocks!" This post isn't about deciding whether to have kids. I'm just hashing out this moment. Instead of being surprised by these feelings, or just reacting to them, I'm using this post to be at home with them.

This is me, today. The clock is ticking.

Disclaimer

2009-02-02T17:05:00.000-06:00

I've been needing to do some writing for a while, but to be honest, I've become a bit concerned about my unknown readership on the Interwebs. My blog auto updates to my Facebook feed, so potentially anyone of my "friends" could read it. Some of my friends are also my co-workers, former students, fellow members of my church. One of them is my wife.

As I think about it, my growing fear is that all these people will see a glimpse of me without my 'custom personality editor' in place. When I am around some non-church-going friends, my language tends to be church-unfriendly. When I'm with my guy-friends I shoot a lot straighter than when I talk with my wife because I know that she's more sensitive to the way I say things, so I run a stronger editor.

I'd really like this blog to be a place where I could just leave the editor off. Unfortunately, I am not the only one in my life, and what I say here could potentially impact them, so I still need to be guarded. The bottom line is that I love my wife, my friends, and even some acquaintances. I don't want to hurt anybody just because I feel like spilling my guts. Now, if you want to take me out for a couple of beers and shoot the shit, I'm down with kicking the editor in the ass and talking straight.

A Cautionary Tale (and my 100th post)

2008-12-30T15:31:00.002-06:00

One beautiful Christmas holiday, a small boy received a glorious Nutcracker doll. The doll had been hand carved from a piece of sweet-smelling pine, and painted in glorious bright colors by his loving father. The boy played with the Nutcracker all Christmas day, smashing matchbox cars with it's black painted boots, chewing plastic toy soldiers to bits with it's exquisitely carved and brightly shining white nut-cracking teeth.

That night as his father tucked him into bed, the boy nestled his beloved Nutcracker under his arm.

"Nuttie," he said, "You are the best Christmas present ever!"

The strength of his boyhood love and the magic of Christmas night combined to bring life to the Nutcracker as the little boy slept. He remained a piece of intricately painted pine, but now with a conscious mind.

In the morning the Nutcracker tried to communicate with his young friend, but having no vocal cords, nor an ability to move his carved appendages, all he could do was clack his jaw. Fortunately, the Nutcracker knew Morse Code.

"G-o-o-d m-o-r-n-i-n-g, S-t-e-p-h-e-n!" the Nutcracker clattered. Actually, the boy's name was Roger, but they hadn't been formally introduced.

Roger looked at the Nutcracker strangely. Not knowing Morse Code, the Nutcracker's attempts at communication appeared to be aimless jaw rattling to the young boy. "It's jaw must be loose," he thought, "I'll have to see if dad can tighten it up."

The boy picked up the nutcracker and brought it in to the kitchen where his father was pouring pecan pancake batter on a freshly greased griddle.

"Hey dad, I think Nuttie might need his jaw tightened," said the boy. "It seems to be all rattle-y."

"I-t i-s j-u-s-t f-i-n-e t-o m-e," rattled the wooden implement of nut destruction.

Dad had learned Morse Code in the Navy, but he was pretty rusty, so he didn't put it together.

"Hrm, Roggie," he said thoughtfully, flipping a bubbly pancake. "Go get my flathead screwdriver from the bench in the garage."

Roger sat the Nutcracker down on the kitchen table and headed into the garage. Nuttie was perplexed. Maybe there was something wrong with him. His eyes were fixed in a forward stare, so he had no way to see his jaw firsthand. It certainly felt fine, though.

The boy returned with the implement as dad flipped the finished pancakes off the griddle and onto a green Christmas plate ringed in enameled ivy.

"Let's take a look at you," dad said as he hefted Nuttie off the table. He jiggled the lever on the Nutcracker's back.

"G-o e-a-s-y, b-u-c-k-o!" tapped Nuttie, aggravated.

Dad reached for the screwdriver and Roger handed it to him. "It appears tight enough, but we can give it another quick twist. He tightened the small screw a half-turn.

"H-e-y, o-u-c-h!" clacked Nuttie. The screw was squishing his face now, and his rosy cheeks ached a bit.

"Still a bit loose, sounds like," dad though out loud. He cranked the screw down another full turn.

The pain shot through the Nutcracker like a bullet through a bottle. "A-r-e y-o-u c-r-a-z-y?!" Nuttie shout-clacked, "M-y h-e-a-d i-s a-b-o-u-t t-o e-x-p-l-o-d-e!"

Dad cranked the screw another quarter-turn.

"CRACK!" The soft wood of the pine Nutcracker split asunder from the top of his bright red hat to the bottom of his glossy black shoes.

"Whoops!" said dad, looking at the two halves of the broken toy. Roger's eyes began to fill with tears. "Don't worry, son," dad continued, "I made a couple extra for the church toy drive."

"Sweet!" Roger exclaimed as he dried his eyes. "Can I throw this one in the fireplace and watch it burn?"

"N-n-n-n-n-o," Nuttie tried to clack his message, but his broken body and jaw weren't working. His wooden jaw piece worked free of the screw and dropped pathetically on the table.

"Sure, son." father turned back to the bowl of pancake batter, "Just be careful to make sure you pull the spark screen back in place.

Roger gathered up the broken Nutcracker eagerly as he headed to the brick fireplace in the living room. He pulled back the metal screen and tossed Nuttie's broken pieces on the slow burning coals.

A tongue of flame licked Nuttie's feet and then caught. "How strange" Nuttie thought. The flame didn't hurt - not like the tightened screw had. It just felt... dry.

The toy reflected on his short existence as the warm dryness of the flames engulfed him. "Perhaps I should have kept my mouth shut," he thought.

The pine cracked and popped. The colorful paint peeled and faded. Pine turned to ash as his soul floated away in the smoke up the chimney.

Christmas Spirit

2008-12-21T16:49:00.001-06:00

Friday night I was out delivering pizzas, lost in the dark and looking for some semblance of address numbers on the houses as I passed. At the end of the street was a home brilliantly lit for the Christmas season. Santa Claus stood in his sleigh on the grassy front lawn, surrounded by blow up snowmen, snow-globes and a barrage of other holiday lawn decor. This was the house.

As I opened the car door and grabbed 2 steamy pizzas and a box of greasy hot-wings, Mannheim Steamroller wafted gently from hidden speakers. As I rang the doorbell, Jingle Bells started playing in tinny door-chime fashion as I waited on the front stoop. The dull glow of thousands of blue-tinted LED Christmas lights illuminated the receipt for $31.95.

My wife and I usually decorate our house with Christmas lights, but a fire last August destroyed all of our exterior lights. Being on a tight budget, we decided to buy a tree this year and forgo exterior decor until Christmas 2009. We had heard about the new LED Christmas lights, so I asked the homeowner how he liked them.

We chatted for a bit as he paid for his pizza, and I mentioned that our Christmas lights were destroyed last year. At this his eyes brightened and he said, "I have just the tip for you." He walked me out to the front of his garage where 5 large rubbermaid tubs sat, filled with Christmas lights. A lump rose in my throat as he started hauling them out to my car. They were filled to the brim with lights of all shapes and sizes. As we loaded them into the car, he asked only that I promise to put them up and wish my neighbors a merry Christmas.

I was blown away. To him, they may have just been some extra lights that he wasn't using this year. To me they were a very generous gift of Christmas Spirit.

The Boring Christmas Letter - 2008 edition

2008-12-18T08:34:00.002-06:00

Posting our semi-annual (meaning sometimes we send a Christmas letter and sometimes we don't) Christmas letter:

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To friends and family,

As I write this, I am sitting on our couch in the living room of our very own house! The trees are lit and loaded with ornaments and garland. Angels, reindeer and snow covered houses line the shelves and the piano. It is good to be back in our own home this Christmas.

A fire in August of last year displaced us from our home, so we spent last Christmas in a small rental property, harried by a million decisions as we tried to pick up all the pieces. The house was finally finished in May, so we moved back in mid-month. There are still a few boxes and some unfinished furniture pieces in the garage, but for the most part, we're settled back into some semblance of normalcy.

On the acting front, things have been a bit slow for Shondra this year. She was featured in a local TV commercial in the Spring and had a wonderful role in Smoke on the Mountain this summer at Texas Repertory Theatre. Currently she's performing in A Child's Christmas in Wales at Unity Theatre in Brenham, an hour west of Houston. So, while the work has been sparse, the roles have been rich.

For my part, I have settled in to my new job at MD Anderson Cancer Center. It's been a big change for me, and a bit difficult at times adjusting to the slower pace of a large organization. Having my nights free has given me time to play online video games with new friends and my two younger brothers.

Our world is uncertain, and this year has stirred up a lot of that uncertainty. Christmas reminds us that there is more to the world than war and presidents and the global economy. Two thousand years ago a young couple just starting out in life were displaced from their home to answer a census. During the course of the events that followed they brought a Child into the world that would change everything. That gives me hope because despite my effervescent personality, I'm just an ordinary guy.

Merry Christmas everybody,

Todd, Shondra and the kitties

Driving Mr. Pizza

2008-12-05T22:32:00.000-06:00

So - tonight was my first night delivering pizzas for some extra cash. I would rate it better than getting trampled to death for working at Wal-Mart in New York on Black Friday. Time in the store is crazy - I started on a Friday night, no less - but once you are out on the road with the pizza, things are much more chill. It took me a while to get the bugs worked out, but Google Maps on my Blackberry was a decent co-pilot. My new Jawbone headset was a major help too. I ran into a couple of orders in apartment complexes and it helped to have the headset while I was talking, reading my map, and driving.

One thing from tonight really struck me. Most of my clients fell in the lower-middle class grouping - and all of them were really cool and tipped me well. The one person who didn't tip me at all had a nice house and car in a nice neighborhood.

That makes me stop and think. I've been that guy who didn't tip. As a delivery driver I'm making 4.55/hr when I'm on the road plus $1/delivery for mileage. Getting stiffed on the tip is a pretty shitty when you're barely making enough to cover operating your vehicle.

Delivering Pizza and the foolishness of Pride

2008-11-21T09:09:00.001-06:00

My wife and I are on a get out of debt track. Much beans and rice have been eaten with probably much more to come. I don't mind the beans and rice, actually. It's the humble pie that is a bit hard to swallow.

I make good money, and yet, month to month, the money is really tight. I've got two late model cars, one with over 200,000 miles on it. I want to buy a newer car (~$4,000) but I'm scraping just to come up with my property taxes by the end of the year.

Our house fire last year has left us with a few loose ends that require some money to finalize. Christmas is coming and the budget is pretty tight.

All that to say that I've been looking for some ways to make some extra cash. I applied for some teaching opportunities at a local community college, but nothing is panning out. The pizza joint around the corner from my house has been looking for delivery drivers for the last six months. I've picked up an application twice now, but a small part of my soul dies when I think about taking a pizza delivery job. I mean, I'm 38 years old. I have an MBA. I am above that kind of thing, right?

That small part of my soul... PRIDE. Actually, it's a much bigger part of my soul than I care to admit. But I'm sick of that sorry SOB. I'm turning in the application. I'm also posting this on my blog. Hey, pride. Suck it.

Mysterious Ways

2008-11-17T08:20:00.002-06:00

It's been a while since I've really had a good talk with God. I've been busy, or I laze around in bed for too long, or, frankly, I just choose to ignore Him.

Yesterday my pastor spoke about God's desire for us to celebrate life. To celebrate Him. I've felt lately that I've been a failure to my Savior. My life isn't one that stands out or is full of the miraculous power of God. (Actually it is, I just don't want to look deep enough to see it).

Today on the bus ride in I listened to a sermon on Esther, and I was reminded that we all are called by God. We all have a mission in life. But we also have a "shadow mission," that more selfish use of our time and talents that we tend towards. Our true mission requires effort and self-sacrifice. It calls us to do that which is beyond us.

I've been on my shadow mission of late. Coasting through life. As I hopped the train to the med center, I switched my mp3 player over to a Joan Osborne album. God used it to speak to me - first through "Crazy Baby." Here's a smattering of the lyrics:

"Oh you're getting really hard to be with, and you're crying everytime you turn around, and you wonder why you cannot pick your head up, off the ground. Oh my crazy baby, try to hold on tight. Oh my crazy baby, don't put out the light."

It really spoke to me as I contemplated life without God, following my "shadow" mission. Just a selfish focus on myself and my small little world. It's a tiring way to live. It sucks the life out of you.

And then, my player kicked over to "Ladder" and God was clearly telling me directly "I'm gonna love you anyway, today and everyday, today and everyday" in the chorus. That's something He keeps reminding me. I can choose my path, and my path choice does nothing to affect how He does feel or will feel about me. His love for me never changes. And that is life changing.

Downtown Transit Center, Doors Open Left

2008-08-18T08:21:00.000-05:00

Seen on the Monday morning train: lady with a shirt saying, "Property of the Official Oklahoma cow tipping association."

Yesterday's message at church has been rolling around in my brain. The gist is this: Spiritual Disciplines mean nothing if the aren't causing you to love God and other people. Like most people, I tend to measure my spiritual condition based on my "spiritual activity." It gives me a dipstick reading of holiness that shows where I stand with other people. It makes me feel better about myself (at least I am reading my Bible, unlike so and so) or worse about myself (he prays 3 hours every day, what are you doing wrong, schmuck?)

The problem with that kind of thinking is that it has nothing to do with whether or not I am loving God and other people more.

MORE BEER! MORE BEER!

2008-07-15T11:46:00.003-05:00

Now that Shondra and I are back in the house, I'm settling back in with the neighbors. Our neighbors to the North are a great hispanic couple with 4 cute young'uns who frequently hit us up for whatever the local school fundraiser might be. Across the street to the East are the neighbors who I share my grass clippings with and who frequently are called upon to watch our cats when we are gone on vacations.

To the South are some neighbors I've been a bit hesitant about. Every year they have a HUGE Halloween party which consists of massive decorations, several kegs, and a large number of revelers - many of whom leave me gifts of empty beer containers on my lawn. Needless to say, they haven't been my favorite neighbors.

As we've been moving in, I've made an effort to get to know my neighbors a bit better. I walked over and borrowed some drillbits from my Southern neighbor, and I have to say that he's a decent guy. His garage is a neighborhood phenomenon. It is a full blown bar, complete with pool table, TV, and the beer bottle trophies of beverages conquered by those who have gone before. I hung out at his place a couple Friday nights ago and had a good time chatting about Star Wars books and the intricacies of good wheat brews.

This Sunday I was out working on my flower beds and I heard someone yelling something unintelligible above the roar of a lawnmower from the direction of the Southern Neighbor. As I peered over the fence and listened more closely I was amused to find my neighbor's housemate (I think) plowing down the grass in their lawn while yelling at the top of his lungs "MORE BEER! MORE BEER!" Great stuff.

It's good to have some quirky neighbors. That way I don't feel like the only oddball.

The Little Stuff

2008-07-07T08:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday at church, my pastor talked about "Cursed Worship." In a nutshell, bringing our leftovers to God instead of our best. Disrespecting who God is because we'd rather love the world than Him.

Commuting in to work has been somewhat of a blessing. It forces me to slow down. I look around. I notice the sunrise. I notice the variety and diversity of the people on the train as I ride to the med center.

It's so easy to get caught up in needs and wants. Needing to pay the bills. Needing to save up for property taxes. Needing to clean the house. Wanting a new TV. Wanting to do some landscaping. Wanting more stuff for my bike.

It keeps my head down so I can't see all the beauty around me in my trouble. It lies to me and tells me how much better it will be when I finally do this or that.

The truth is all I have, all we have, is now. This moment. It is joy and sorrow, beauty and brokenness.

Bicycle Commute - Day 1 ride home

2008-06-18T22:46:00.002-05:00

Shondra asked me yesterday, 'what if it rains?' Tonight on the ride home I found out. You get wet.

When I arrived at the bus station tonight, skies were overcast and it was thundering a bit, but it looked like it was clearing. I hopped on the bike and headed towards home. About halfway there I hit a cloudburst. I pulled off the road and stood under the shelter of some trees until it lightened a bit. I really need to get some fenders and a rain jacket.

Got home safe, though. And as hot as the last few days have been, the rain felt nice on the ride.

Commuter Bicycling, Day 1

2008-06-18T12:02:00.003-05:00

Back in February I bought a bike through Craigslist. It's been a lot of fun getting back into riding, and with gas prices pinching my wallet, I've been thinking about using it to commute to work. I'm only about 5 miles from the nearest Park and Ride bus station, so I think it should be feasible to bicycle commute regularly.

The major hurdle has been that the only available route is down a 6 lane stretch of state highway. On Saturday morning I got up and did a trial run, just to see how comfortable I felt on the ride and get an estimate of how long it takes to get to the bus station. I stuck to the shoulder and then rode off-road in the grass for most of the trip down. It took me about 20 minutes, but it was pretty rough going. On the way back, I stuck to the highway and stayed in the far right lane. I felt pretty safe and all cars gave me plenty of room when passing.

Back at the house I started planning out equipment needs. The person I bought the bike from was a lightness freak, so he pulled every reflector off the bike. I new that at the bare minimum I would need to get some reflectors and a tire repair kit in case of a breakdown. Online I found a great bicycling website: Bicycling Life. From them I got a few more key items I need to add to my equipment list:

fenders for the tires - especially in case of rain
lights - so I can see if it's dark and I can easily be seen
bike bags - for holding repair tools, keys, misc.
more water bottles - in case I get stranded in the summer heat

I brought extra business attire to work over the last few days and made plans to shower at the gym. This morning I packed a backpack with my laptop and my lunch, filled my water bottle and headed out on the open road for my first commuter ride.

Riding on the highway was not too bad. School's out, so the traffic isn't too heavy and everyone left me plenty of space when passing. It's also nice and flat, so I can really gear up and crank flat out. Traffic was backed up at the intersection for the Park and Ride and I smirked a bit as I cranked past several cars on the shoulder. As I closed on the intersection, I needed to turn left, so I figured I'd stay right and cross at the crosswalk. There's a gas station on the corner, so I attempted to pull in and head toward the crosswalk. The driveway had a bit of a ridge, so I popped my front tire over it (trying to be all fancy), but I wasn't at a sharp enough angle, so my back wheel slid out and I ended up on my butt on the pavement with some nice road rash on my knee and hands. (Need to add biking gloves to my list) I imagine that all the cars I had passed had a nice chuckle at that one.

Anyway, tonight I've got to suit back up and see how the return trip goes. If anyone else takes Hwy 6 to the Addicks Park and Ride and wants to join me on the ride in, just say so in the comments.

What is it about Monday?

2008-06-09T09:45:00.002-05:00

This morning I got up earlier than normal, and I still was about 30 minutes late to work. Not only that, but I found out once I sat down at my desk that my pants had been unzipped all morning. While standing in the carpool line at the bus station... pants unzipped. While riding in to work with two strangers and reading a book... pants unzipped. While walking across downtown to the train... pants unzipped. While waiting for the train for an extra long time because something was wrong with the Southbound line... pants unzipped.

I'm kind of surprised that no one alluded to the fact that my pants were unzipped. Granted, I'm wearing black pants today, so it may have been that it just wasn't that noticeable. It seems like when I was younger people were kind of excited about letting others know - "Hey, XYZPDQ." (For the sake of clarity - 'eXamine Your Zipper Pretty Darn Quick') It was kind of a fun thing to say, not to mention getting to stare, point, and laugh at another person's humiliation.

Maybe people just don't stare at other's crotches like they used to anymore. Or maybe I don't have a crotch worth staring at.