Begin Begin

i miss this

2009-07-10T14:04:00.002-04:00

Tumblr is great, but as much as I love attention, I don't love it. It's too public. With this I feel nameless and faceless, even if I have both. I tried to describe to someone once that the reason I liked New York was because I felt that you could become anonymous in it, just for a while. They didn't understand. Didn't understand the desire to blend in and not be noticed at all.

I am so tired.

Camp is good, but I am just worried about everything. College next year. Orientation. My job. Silly things. The friend request I sent on Facebook to someone I used to be friends with on Facebook but they apparently de-friended me. But I worked with them last year and wanted to tell them that I miss them being at camp. So I tried again.

I hate that people go through facebook friend lists and delete people, like what? Why even accept to begin with? I don't understand these things. :|

i have given up

2009-01-15T23:44:00.002-05:00

On this blog. I have a tumblr account, and it is now my life. Sort of.

Check it!

weird

2008-12-22T23:20:00.001-05:00

i'm going to have less blog entries for this year than last. i thought i would have more. i guess that not staying up late and pouring out my soul into hopelessly awful poetry has an downside. wait, what?

i guess i'm less angst-ridden. or just less eager to convey it. sweet.

:)

i think

2008-12-22T23:17:00.002-05:00

i might start actually using my tumblr. but perhaps not.

i keep finding references to bellingham, wa. i met some people from there when i went to costa rica in the summer and now the town haunts my life. it's ironic because the people i met pretty much said that bellingham was this small unknown town. i sort of disagree, i keep finding it in unexpected places.

today

2008-12-14T22:49:00.003-05:00

i am going to turn off airport in the hope that it will help me write my paper faster. it's creative writing so it should not matter. i am praying this will work.

actually

2008-11-30T01:01:00.003-05:00

There was one disappointment to my Thanksgiving. Every year we light Lazzaroni Amaretti cookie wrappers on fire and watch them float towards the ceiling. This year however, the wrappers did not fly. It was an outrage. We basically decided that they [the Lazzaroni company] changed the wrapper so the potential hazard of the floating wrapper was no more. Hopefully we just got a bad batch though, and the next time we try success will happen!

thanksgiving!

2008-11-29T13:21:00.002-05:00

Was fantastic, as usual. I went up to Maine, to my aunt's house. Every thanksgiving it's my family, my Aunt Linda's family and my Aunt Suse's family. My Aunt Linda's kids fall right in order with my family, my cousin Jess is a year older than me and my cousin Sam is a year younger (actually, he's only 3 months younger than me but is in a different grade). Sam and my brother hang out and Jess and I stick together. Then my cousin's Maris and Leslie are awesome too; Maris' boyfriend Joe was also there, and he is also pretty fabulous (see this).

There was plenty of delicious food and some hilarious games of Scattergories. We (my mom, Aunt Suse, Leslie and I) walked to the lake after dinner, basically in the dark and that was super. This year we had like a 4 hour break between dinner and dessert, which I liked. I have a bunch of pictures I need to upload now though, so hopefully that will happen. I also hope to see some of the stop-action madness that happened on Maris and Joe's camera!

SANTOGOLD

2008-11-25T19:19:00.001-05:00

is so fantastic!

=] =] =] love her.

i'm so souped for thanksgiving. maine is one of my favorite places. and i'm pretty sure there will be snow!

i've decided

2008-11-24T18:40:00.002-05:00

that even though Robert Pattison wear's his hair sort of awfully a fair amount of the time, he's reasonably good looking. ha.

hahahahaha

dude

2008-11-16T20:56:00.002-05:00

so that's the one side of a rubix cube i can complete before being unable to do anything else. but whatever.

i got accepted into college! yes! i got a super fast reply from the university of vermont. so i know, at the very least and assuming i pass all of my classes, i will have somewhere to go to school next year. :D

today was alright

2008-11-05T21:25:00.002-05:00

I went to the first swim practice of the season. I forget how much I like the sport during the off-season. I've been putting it off and I don't know why.

I'm excited that Obama was elected. It gives me hope for this country. My one friend was really negative about the whole thing, like, "it doesn't matter who won because nothing will be done." I just think that's the wrong attitude to have. No one's perfect, we don't have superheroes. We can have hope. We have to have hope. Why live in America without it? We are given a chance to choose. And even if you don't like either of the choices, there is always a lesser evil, no matter what. I don't believe that there isn't. So what if they can't manage all they've promised to do? Who can? Who does?

On one side it seems reasonable to hold Presidents to a higher standard than other people, but truly they're only human. It's human to make mistakes. It's human to be unable to complete everything. They aren't superhuman.

Another friend of mine said, "I hope Obama's a good president. I hope I'm not disappointed." I think this is a better view. To have hope for the future. To have a bit of confidence in who is leading the country. I don't know what else you can have.

everything

2008-11-02T18:02:00.002-05:00

Is going surprisingly well, thankfully.
I mean, I'm starting 2nd quarter tomorrow! 1/4 of senior year done!
It's so crazy. We had our Halloween dance yesterday and it was pretty fantastic. I've got 3 applications done. I'm going to submit my URI one today, but my guidance counselor is on her honeymoon, so my transcript and other stuff won't be sent out for a little while. Oh well. I need to start on my Columbia application. Since I care about that a lot. I'm debating on whether to have an interview at Brown. I like it, but the reasons I like it are more location based than anything else. Though the make your own academic plan deal is kind of cool. I don't know yet.

ugh.

2008-10-29T20:37:00.002-04:00

We had a mock election today in school that somehow we convinced our teacher to let us do. So an AP Calc class conducted a mock presidential election. Weird?

It pisses me off that some people didn't vote because they were like "None of the candidates are capable." They're totally the same people who will complain about who was elected. If you don't vote you lose that right. If you didn't try to influence who was elected, you can't complain about what happened. That's such crap too. Who is capable? Really, tell me, because I'd love to know. The U.S. is such a complex country that I really think it is tough to define who would be best to run it, so if you really like neither candidate, go with the lesser evil. Vote for who agrees with you. That's why we have Congress, so people can't go and enact radical laws.

Besides that though, can I quit life? Senior year sucks.

everyday is the same

2008-10-26T22:14:00.002-04:00

i'm falling asleep and sitting on the edge of my seat dying to move
there are too many thoughts in my head
i can't express this feeling
there is only wrong
no no no rights
all that's left is being alone
and i'm trying to change
will you still love me if i'm not the same?
there isn't enough time to explain
and i'm falling down again
this adrenaline is racing through my veins
and this night is nowhere near over
waiting on those words that hopefully won't change
i'm hoping you'll still feel the same
i'm hoping you'll still feel the same way now

college essay?!

2008-10-25T20:31:00.000-04:00

Canoeing isn’t easy. My trip through the Allagash Wilderness Waterway taught me that, among other things. The trip, traveling by canoe for 14 days and living in the wild, is one of the foremost experiences in my life and has lead to greater changes in how I live today. Before the trip I had never been camping and was not incredibly fond of the outdoors. To me, the outdoors was muddy, buggy and gross. I still dislike bugs, but no longer fear the outdoors. The trip threw me headfirst into camping, setting up tents, tarps, cooking on small camp stoves and practicing “Leave No Trace” (LNT) principles. LNT was part of the valuable knowledge I gained on the trip; the principles emphasize a low environmental impact. Which is especially important today, where the environment is being destroyed far to often.
From 20 miles spent canoeing in one day to carrying a canoe over 1.5 miles, the trip was a test of strength and skill. The experience broadened my knowledge of camping, instilled a respect for nature in me, and taught me how much everyday comforts are taken for granted. The lack of ordinary comforts such as running water and indoor plumbing heightened my awareness of how imperative those comforts are as well as how many people today lack those comforts. Furthermore, the trip made me desire to test my boundaries. The next summer I flew to Colorado by myself to participate in a leadership camp, an activity I never would have done without the first experience. There I gained my Wilderness First Aid certification and advanced my knowledge of LNT principles. Using this new knowledge, last summer I worked at the camp that gave me the experience of the Allagash trip. I did this hoping to help other girls have the same phenomenal experience I had. Overall, the affects of the trip on me, both tangible and intangible are too numerous to count. The journey was 14 days, but the experience will stay with me for a lifetime.

it's probably going to be edited a little from this, and my friend is going to kill me for the cliche ending, but i think it's alright. i haven't proofread it yet.

today

2008-10-25T16:14:00.002-04:00

Was the day of my last high school cross country race. It's sort of sad, but not too much. I'm sure I'm going to be way more broken up about swimming, since that has always been a bigger part of my life.

I also decided the other day that I am going to move out of this country once I finish college or my time in the Peace Corps, assuming that happens. But I don't know. I'm not sure if any other place is too much better. People on a whole are corrupt, why should it change if I'm not living in America?

goodness gracious

2008-10-09T21:08:00.003-04:00

I just watched the mock SNL VP debate (finally) on nbc.com. Then I looked at the comments and most of them were super intense political ones. All I could think was, "but dude, that clip was friggin' hilarious, who cares what you think about the candidates?"

I'm so articulate. Really all I have to say right now is that the bailout is needed, because the market won't fix itself (as shown by Herbert Hoover's actions during the 1930s). Also regulation is needed because it is obvious that deregulation has never worked (failing twice now) and never will work.

Furthermore, the plan to buy all the mortgages of the common people and refinance the mortgages is one of the worst I have ever heard and makes absolutely no sense to me.

I am so liberal. It's ironic that I think socialized medicine is an awful plan.

ugh.

2008-09-29T22:32:00.002-04:00

It's finally my senior year, and it's no different than any other. If anything, it's been worse. I haven't done anything for college really, so yeah, I'm going to university next year. If I ever get my act together. And it's not even being lazy that's my problem, I'm just plain apathetic. I don't care. But I wish I did. I've basically convinced myself I won't get into my first choice school (though I won't know how well I have unless I get rejected) and it's just absurd. I have good enough grades and test scores, I wish I could just be like, "You should let me into your school." And that be the end. Why have to describe some experience that might mean nothing to me in 20 years in an effort to convey my originality and personality. I'm 16 years old, almost 17, how original can I be? Most of the experiences I've had are common experiences, not something life-shattering. How am I supposed to convey that I deserve to go to a school?

And it's not only that. Columbia is my first choice school, right? I wish I could convey the feeling I had when I visited. I fell in love. I didn't go there expecting that. I went expecting it to be nice, to be in the city, to be prestigious. I fell in love with their program of studies, with their emphasis on reading, with the school itself. And if I don't get in, no matter how much I have convinced myself otherwise, it will hurt. I'll go to another school, but it most likely won't be one I love. And this, I suppose, is why I'm apathetic. I'm afraid.

Afraid of what the answers will be when I send in that essay and tell my school were to send my transcripts, tell the test websites who to give my scores to. The finality of those actions is frightening. And I am beyond scared, I am terrified.

Thinking about this makes me a nervous wreck. Thinking about how much my classes this year affect things make me more of a nervous wreck. AP English IV is going to ruin my life. And it's most likely my fault, but I never said I was a decent writer.

look at

2008-09-01T23:05:00.002-04:00

how cliched i can be:

now the heart beating in my chest
feels emptier with every breath
as my lungs cave in
knowing i will never see you again

what a melodramatic malady
teenage tears and such ambidextrous apologies
for every bit of false hope you gave
i will take it too the grave
take them to the grave
those final words you said to me
in that ultimate hypocrisy
there is nothing more true than that

---
and after that point i go on and on about some other matter and i don't understand my train of thought or remember writing those words.

i hate mondays.

2008-09-01T22:47:00.002-04:00

find me somewhere safe to hide
treason is within my reach
i am too tired to sleep
hold me while i finish this drink
every word is a tiny lie
whispering that i am fine
hopefully they believe it too
i can't forget anything, anything now
trying my hardest you won't break down
blood spills and i cry out
i've never wanted so much to die.

----

i've got more inarticulate apologies in me than will ever get out. every single thought is a question of whether you would try. i am so tired of thinking too much into every detail, forgetting every thing i must do. i would give everything up for too little. i know it. this obsession must stop. at least this year. one more to go, and i will still have work, and be even more alone. is there something broken? sometimes i fear it is me. i am sick of these thoughts in my head. when i don't sleep i rant and rave. only to my computer. i procrastinate then hate myself for it. there are no excuses. i miss who i thought i was.

sorry

2008-08-31T22:24:00.003-04:00

i'm waiting for an exit
find me behind those trees
i don't want to be seen in your company
i miss the silence of our goodbyes
there is nothing left to be seen
secrets not lies behind those shadowed eyes
too tired to play this game
sorry i could not be there before
sorry i'm not here anymore

---------

i wish i could turn back time. I feel so useless now, faced with what I know. And I regret it, but I can't change what was done. I am sorry. I wish I knew what I was apologizing for.

home

2008-08-18T16:08:00.002-04:00

Is where I am.
After a sojourn in Maine, working at my favorite camp ever. It was good, but I just got home and am still tired from everything. And all I wanted to do was sit and do nothing, but apparently that's not going to happen. Practice starts today, but I'm just going on a run instead. I don't want to see everyone really. Not that everyone. There are people I want to see.

I wish I had more time before school because I just want summer now, and senior year is going to be hell. Nothing else. In May, after I've taken the AP English Exam, I will be happy. Because just about everything will be done by then. Actually, my portfolio still might not be finished and I probably won't have presented my senior project. So I'll be done when I graduate and no sooner. This year is going to suck.

WHO LOVES 3OH!3?!?!?!?!1?!/?!!?!?!?!

2008-07-06T21:14:00.002-04:00

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

they're fabulous. fo' sho'.
so hopefully i'm going to preorder "want" today or tomorrow.
it sick that they have a sign.
303 representttttt. haha.

let's drive

2008-07-03T17:56:00.003-04:00

... to pennsylvania

listening to: playradioplay!
(obv)

Besides that, it's super windy outside today. I went to the beach, but wasn't warm enough to go in the water. Plus it's freezing here in comparison to CR! Like 20 degrees colder or something. I'll go in though, it's perfectly warm enough. I need to clean things. I bought my summer reading today, as well as the Calvin & Hobbes 10th Anniversary book, which my english teacher recommended to me for my Senior Project, which I really need to start working on.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a band w/super powers (as the main characters/protagonists), but I need a villain. Ideas? Or I need to decide to make it more of a story book or something else. I also need to talk to Maris, like crazy. Furthermore, I can never find the cable for my camera when I need to upload photos. It is most annoying. I want to just leave for Maine now, I know I'll miss everyone, but I like leaving I think. I like the feeling of packing up and having almost all I'll need in a bag. I like moving. I don't know if I'll be able to settle down when I grow up. Next week it will feel like I've been here too long. Costa Rica wasn't like that. I want to go back so badly. It already in my plans, that and possibly Spain. As well as Italy, of course.

My right leg is really sore right now, and it's upsetting because I need to run. I'm running 9.3 miles in less than two weeks (a week from this Sunday actually) and I'm not really ready. But I'll finish, so I'm not worried. I'm going to get fat though. Well, probably not since I decided to eat like a vegan (possibly vegetarian if vegan becomes too hard to maintain) at camp.

I'm tired. I still miss some kids. I want to see them. =|
Everything will resolve, I am sure. =]

TO DO LIST

2008-06-30T23:01:00.003-04:00

- Spend time with friends before I leave, again.
- Music: make some, pick up the sax again, and work on guitar
- Surf
- Go to the beach, swim + become black (but no skin cancer thanks)
- Sleep more
- RUN