Everytime I feel like Alice.

To dance is to be human.

2009-06-15T17:33:00.007-07:00

This post was inspired by a comment I made on my friend Winnie's Facebook status the other day. It struck me how true and right this statement felt though I'm pretty sure that I must've heard it somewhere else before as these things tend to happen.

I remember the first time someone told me I can't dance. I was 3 or 4. The person; my mother. My ballet lessons ended.

Then there was the first time I remember dancing with friends at a 7th grade party. We were all pretty self conscious, but this 8th grade asshole standing nearby felt compelled to single me out amongst my peers and loudly said to a friend, "Jasmin can't dance."

Freedom.

Strangely, these instances that are burned in my memory did not stop me from doing what I love. I still rue the day my future as a prima ballerina was lost, and I still shrink from the embarrassment of that day in the 7th grade, but in a way when I dance, I dance for the me that lived in those moments. I dance for the artist I wanted to be and the girl who just wanted to have fun. I dance for them because everything turned out alright... in fact, everything turned out awesome.

In moments of pure disappointment or rejection, we can often see much more clearly into our hearts. What was really important to me wasn't my mother's praise or my friends' acceptance. When I was forced to accept these truths, I opened up to other aspects of dance and music that I might never have discovered.

I dance because that is the only way I can fully understand and embrace music. I am one of those people who can dance to anything - from some really hilarious pop'n'lock to interpretive, I'll do it if it'll put a smile on your face. Or mine. Sometimes I like to tell a story in my dance, and sometimes it's to get attention. Sometimes it's just to let it all hang out, and sometimes it's just to be close to someone.

Dancing to remember. Dancing to forget.

Dancing has taught me so much about myself and is a big part of my personal philosophy too. In dance as in life, we need to just flow. Our senses need to be heightened so we can feel the minutae of energy that moves around us in order for us to act and react; become one with the music and those around around us.

And I know that even people who don't dance in public must dance. In the privacy of their bedroom, when a song comes up that makes them want to jump and shout, gyrate and crunk, head bang and power slide. I know we ALL do it! And that's what I mean when to dance is to be human.

Time Poor

2009-03-18T19:11:00.002-07:00

Who has time anymore? As I glance through my inbox full of emails, I wonder who the National Ballet is advertising to? I wonder who will be able to make it to the sitar concert or the natural skincare workshop?

Money worries aside, I want to know who has time to be leisurely? I suspect many who do find themselves with time have too much time - are out of work. Those who have work have no time to themselves; no time to rest, to play, to love.

And I feel bad for complaining because I wonder what right have I to be tired when everyone else is also exhausted or in need?

I just wonder who has time to do all those things that I promised myself I'd always make time for. Dancing, music, art... I've tried to keep them in my life, but it's difficult after a 10 or 12 hour day. Even my weekends are filled with worry about what the next week may hold in store.

I hope this is simply an avelanche of change that's overwhelming us all - in different ways, but that there is an end in sight. We're all in this together. I guess that is what this recession has taught me to appreciate.

Montreal: The Mold Farm for Creativity

2009-03-07T06:38:00.008-08:00

Montreal is like a mold farm for creativity. Everybody and their mothers are an artist in their own way here. From the crochet lady on the subway - dressed in head-to-toe crochet attire (even her socks were crocheted!) while crocheting a hankerchief - to the sidewalk rappers, working on their rhymes at 10 in the morning... Only in Montreal does everyone get a chance to be an artist.

Life Art

I've always wanted to be an artist and I'm lucky to have been born with some basic creative gifts. However, making art - something tangible that could be critiqued and sold - was never something I was able to throw myself into. I found that my energy was always too diverted by a creative project that required my full attention: Life.

So being in a mold farm for creativity, I'm being filled with new ideas and new perspectives about life that will hopefully follow me home to Toronto. I'm so fortunate that the agency that I work for is based in this lovely city, and I plan to make time for more working holidays this year.

ACTIONS: Comment s'approprier la ville (What you can do with the city)

Yesterday, my friend Andrea (a masters student at Concordia) recommended the ACTIONS exhibition at the CCA (Canadian Centre for Architecture). It was a very inspiring collection of cases where individuals, groups and businesses have taken the initiative to take back responsibility for the urban spaces in which we dwell.

More and more, I feel the desire to be more socially active and this show demonstrated how other people have found creative ways to do so all over the world.

http://cca-actions.org/

I think there's a perception that being socially responsible or active requires getting involved with the right "groups". While I do think that group or community intiatives are the ones that will make the biggest impact, I think we can all start with our own lives. And as we become more responsible and active about our work, play and home environments, when these practices become a basic part of our daily lives, we will naturally discover the communities to which we belong.

Baby Steps for I... Giant Leap for Us

Change is the word of the day. However, many people think that it's the government that's going to bring us change, and it's not. Change is something we must take on as a responsibility to our future. People also forget that change is a learned behaviour. It's not easy, it requires a lot of time and commitment. We have to WANT to change before change even has a chance.

How many of us have really taken the time to really think about what change means to us? I think every individual in our priviledged society could use a little Action Planning.

Do we want help our environment? Recycling is not even close to enough. What other ways must we change? Make a list. Start with the basics. A great place to start would be reading about other people's projects. Carmen is a girl that works from our Montreal office and has a very useful blog about green living: http://www.urbangreengirl.com

Do we want the economy to improve? This requires contributions to the economy, but our budgets are tight. Are there alternative sources of income available?

Our dollars affect the market - creates demand which drives price which drives production/manufacturing out-put. If we want our Canadian producers to thrive, we have to divert more of our dollars into our country's goods and services. This means we have to actually pay attention to what we're buying and not just buy what's cheapest or most convenient.

I'm not saying this is easy. I myself haven't even begun to scratch the surface. But I know many people who have implemented these kinds of principles in their lives and live better for it. And I believe that if enough people take on personal responsibility for the world which we live in... change will come.

Do you know of any other good resources to find inspiration for Change?

C'est la vie en rose.

2009-02-14T12:48:00.013-08:00

After 5 years living on the west end of Toronto, I moved to the Beach in September. It was difficult at first - being so far away from the bustle. Most people I know live in either Parkdale, King West, Annex... anything east of Broadview is considered the 'burbs.

The Beach is a very family-oriented neighbourhood. Children and dogs is how I describe the vibe out here. So since I have neither, I guess I moved out here because I wanted some fresh air and better access to the lake that we have a tendancy to forget is right there.

I wanted a bit of space away from prying eyes. I didn't want to bump into people who ask me how I'm doing like I have a terminal disease. I needed the space to rediscover my voice, my hands, my feet, my eyes, my nose, my lungs, my heart.

I have history in the Beach too, though I've never lived here before. I remember my mom bringing me down here when I was little in the summer to walk along the water and eat ice cream. I remember dating a boy who lived not far from where I am now, and the smell of spring dew and the lake from his window. I remember my "adventure" down here with Cheryl when we were still in high school, and having brunch at Cora's although I haven't found it yet so maybe it's gone now. Or maybe it wasn't Cora's at all.

Originally, I had wanted to move to High Park and it was a very last minute decision to move to the Beach instead. It was meant to be and I couldn't be happier. More than anything, I need to slow down again. Life changed at such a manic pace over only a few months, that I actually need to force myself to relax and take it easy. Enjoy the pace of the Beach and the lovely people who are in my life now.

From my little home in the Beach to my open concept office, I feel like everything has fallen into place. I feng-shuied my life. Energy flows from one corner to another and back to centre. There is a lot of love in my life; a new kind of love that is fully conscious, stripped of fear or regret, and with the understanding that love is not something that can be given or taken away like money. When it grows, it grows. When it's earned, it's indestructable.

I'm looking forward to spring when all this cold melts away to new warmth. I can't wait to watch the world burst forth out of over-long stillness. I want it to sweep me up with the richness of it all. It's going to be beautiful!

Sun lin fai la!

2009-01-25T17:24:00.005-08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!

I had a post all planned out today but I left it in the backseat of my mother's car. It was printed on the menu of the restaurant where we had our New Year dinner - the Joy Fortune Restaurnt.

Ironically, it was a list. A list I wanted to post in a blog. Har har har.

There were about 20 rules basically about when to say things. A few that I still recall are:

When you have something:

Good to say, say it at the right occasion.
Sad to share, be considerate and don't share it with every person you meet.
Important to say, say it slowly.
Insignifcant to say, say it humorously.
You have to do, do it before you talk about it.
Hurtful to say, don't say it.
To say about someone else, be careful what you say.
To discuss about yourself, listen to your heart.

CNY (Chinese New Year, Sun Lin) is about horoscopes, dragon dancing, 10 course meals, money and personal reflection. Proverbs old and new being thrown across the Lazy Susans filled with steaming dims sum... I wondered if the way we ate dinner was directly influenced by communism: everyone eats from the same plate, you eat what you can, and not a morsel of food is allowed to be wasted by the male members of the family.

For most of my life growing up, I discounted my family because they couldn't understand me. Now that I'm a little older, I feel like there's so much that I haven't tried to understand about them. It's so easy to take for granted your own culture when being Chinese is just part of being alive. But it struck me as a shame that I didn't know more about my home country's history.

We don't really do "resolutions", but every year we wish each other good health, good work and good fortune. As I look forward in the following Chinese calendar year, I will dedicate to learning more about my cultural background.

ASL?

2009-01-15T19:15:00.002-08:00

Remember when online dating was suspicious and pervy? That's when I started. I was one of those teenagers who would look for internet boyfriends in ChatHouse, mIRC, Yahoo! Chat. My first internet boyfriend was a 16 year old Quake II tournament champion from Kansas City. When I got a bit older, I started meeting up with UofT students who lived in bachelor apartments in the Annex.

Few other girls I knew dated online back then. And certainly not as frequently or as intently as I. Once I moved to the city however, I stopped. It seemed childish to date online - how much more exciting to meet people in real life. I promised myself never to do it again.

And yet, online dating is more the norm now than not. This isn't the same as the online relationship I had with the boy in Kansas City, but more like the UofT students I met on Yahoo! Chat. Except now you can fill out personality tests and rate people and write profiles, etc. etc. You could spend hours a day checking up on all your various online dating accounts, connecting with new guys, chatting, setting up dates.

It's not for computer geeks anymore. I was at Fresh yesterday reading 1984 - or pretending to read because I was actually eavesdropping on the conversation next to me...

They were two girls in their late-twenties to early-thirties: health-conscious (Fresh regulars), professionals, regular bar/club goers, gym members (joggers), Facebook users. It's amazing how much I could glean about them based on this single conversation.

The entire evening was spent talking about online dating: PlentyOfFish, LavaLife, eHarmony... One girl's experience was that the more you date, the more refined your searching gets, and the better the guys you find.

Both girls have been in and out of relationships for a couple of years now, dating people for a couple of months here and there. They love having options. They don't want to settle down.

And there are others like them! Plans to get all the girls together every month to share dating stories. Supportive. Non-competitive. I'm curious about whether or not this monthly meeting will actually occur.

Beneath the banter, the forced optimism was palpable. These girls are braving it alone, not wanting to settle for anything less than they deserve. They're "putting it out there". But I think we all knew that try as we might... it's not really up to us who we love. Sure we can tip the scales, hedge our bets, be as cautious or as adventurous as we feel we need to be... but in the end, love happens when it's meant to happen.

Anyway, I just thought it was funny that online dating isn't childish or geeky anymore. Savvy, good-looking, smart people are doing it. But I can't help but wonder if opening up your dating arena to millions of potential partners might make things more complicated than they already are?

Remembering Me in Context

2009-01-01T06:56:00.007-08:00

2008 was an eventful year to say the least. This isn’t something I say every year, like “there’s way more snow this year than last year”, I can honestly say that 2008 was a veritable avalanche of change.

Relationships

Last year, I was drowning in guilt for what I’d done. I felt like I had ruined everyone’s lives. What I did was wrong, and there are better ways of fixing your life than cheating and lying. But sometimes when you’re too scared to change your life, and something so sad is growing and consuming you, but you can’t put a name on it... you fuck shit up. Like a game of musical chairs, we all switched places, and yes it is still uncomfortable as new chairs tend to be, but I think we all ended up in places that make us happier as individuals. Sometimes I still feel sad for the past that had been so beautiful and good on many levels... but as each day passes, I wake up feeling more whole. More me.

Career

At Christmas dinner, I asked my cousin Kevin if he was still working at the same place, and he said, “Unlike you, I don’t change jobs every year.” It’s only been 2.5 years since I finished school and I’ve switched 3 jobs, and for my family who only see me once a year at Christmas, my job hopping probably seems excessive and unnecessary.

But my career is important to me, not only because of the money it brings, but this is how I spend 90% of my time. I don’t want to waste time staying at a company where I’m unhappy because I need the money; that isn’t worth it to me.

For me, satisfaction comes from having contributed something positive to the team as a whole on exciting work. Whether if it’s to spend extra time to do research to write a better strategy, or to stay til midnight to take a presentation to the printers, or to cheer up the office with some crazy story about pole dancing and dating, it’s worthwhile because everyone in the agency benefits.

For the first time in my short career, I can see myself growing indefinitely with my tiny team of 8 – soon to be 12. Soon to be... who knows? The foundation of Twist Image was laid in the main office in Montreal, and while the agency is still kind of young compared to some of the others, what has completely won me over is that the executive management actually understand the where the digital world is heading and leads the industry by action, not jazz-hands.

Family

My mother is getting married. It’s been almost 16 years since my parent’s divorce, and my mother hasn’t remarried since. Last summer, she met her ballroom dancing partner and now they’re planning on getting married in Q3 or Q4 of 2009.

It was completely unexpected, and yet when she called to tell me one beautiful, sunny, gorgeous day while I was bike riding in Stanley Park, Vancouver, I was genuinely happy and excited for her.

It’s been just her and I for a long time. And I think I’ve done everything a daughter can to separate myself from that relationship, seeking independence from an early age. Over the years, we worked out our differences, creating an understanding that I’m never going to turn out the way she imagined, that I can’t be an emotional substitute for my father, that I need to let go of all the bitterness of our past and trust her with the truth, etc.

They’re letting me handle the planning of it, but it’s not going to be elaborate or expensive. Just something fun and intimate... just like my mom. I look forward to standing beside her as she takes her vows, and wishing her all the happiness that she has made possible for me in my life.

Friendships

All my friendships moved to new levels this year. Those without solid foundations have tapered off. The others, blossomed with new warmth and genuine affection. From reuniting with old friends from elementary / high school to giving more of myself to the friends who need an open heart, a listening ear, and the perspective that only a caring friend can provide, I was there. Conversely – and even unusually – I accepted those things from my friends as well, finding them to be even stronger and lovelier people than I ever imagined.

And as those relationships continue to change where we can no longer be in each other’s pockets day in and out, at lunches and coffee breaks, I’m comforted by knowing that the depth of the foundation that has been laid is strong enough to withstand time and distance.

In many ways, my friends – who remind me about who I am and how far I’ve come – are the siblings I’ve never had. We are lucky when we find each other.

2009

2009 will be all about me. Now that I’ve proved to myself that I’m capable of making tough decisions and following through on them, that I’m able to stand on my own, that I have the love of friends and family to back me up... I’m ready. I don’t know at this point, on January 1^st, 2009, what the focus of the next phase of my life will be, but I will make the most of the momentum from 2008 to propel me forward.

Even though the new year emerged from a depth of pain I’d never experienced before, I also achieved immense triumphs. And although nothing will ever be the same... at least we’re all still here. And isn’t that the important thing?

Unconditional Love - Thought #1

2008-12-03T10:08:00.007-08:00

Unconditional. Love.

These two words promise a lot and is usually associated to religion and mothers. They were words that were spoken to me by a spiritual seer of sorts (a psychic if you must) - she told me that my purpose in life is to teach the world about unconditional love.

Tall order.

And considering the current state of affairs, my response is: "Really?! Me? Really??? Really."

Huh.

The love that I have known has never been unconditional - neither from my mother or that which I've given to others thus far in my life. Even though Jesus seemed to love everyone unconditionally, he sure handed down a heavy bag of rules. If anything, Buddha had it pretty right on... loving life and not the egos of people.

It seems like there are always conditions in regards to love: "If this and then that". Love tends to be coupled with bias, ulterior motives, desire, fear... even naiveté and self-negation. Have I ever loved someone without thinking "Well, of course I love him because... [fill in the blank]"? Doesn't unconditional mean that there isn't a "because"?

In my world: value, references, research, facts, justifications, judgements drive nearly all our decisions and actions in life, love, career path, shopping habits, etc. So is unconditional love even something worthy of pursuit? Doesn't it just sound like a recipe for disaster? Or is it just some smart psychic's way getting me to leave a $20 tip on the table?

Or maybe unconditional love isn't to be blind or unthinking - maybe it means to be aware of all the factors, all parties, all possible outcomes (both wonderful and horrible), and make the conscious decision to love someone for the sake of their own self and the light they bring into your life.

PROMISE is the word of a new day.

2008-11-05T08:33:00.002-08:00

Created with Obama's victory speech using wordle.net. The word is PROMISE.

Even though he's not our president, he's setting an incredible example of how we need our country's leaders to be. True, he hasn't started his new job yet, but he's shown us that a political leader should inspire and unite us as citizens. And the promise is not just his to give to the people - it's ours to give to our own lives, community and country.

I'm really proud of Americans today.

Stuff I Like to Do and Should Do More Often in General

2008-10-19T14:05:00.004-07:00

It's been almost two months since I moved to my place in the Beaches. I'm learning about independence, and what I've discovered so far is that it's not just about being able to feed yourself and keep your shit neat and clean. Contrary to my mother's belief (whose impression of me will forever be retarded at 16 years old), I'm pretty good at the day-to-day staying alive business.

The real challenge, I've found, is trying to not become listless or depressed. Actually I think listlessness is a symptom of depression, so I always try to make plans every weekend that involve other people to ensure I don't lie in bed for 48 hours wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life.

But I'd like to not rely on special events. Especially with winter being right around the corner, there will be weeks when I won't have big weekend plans to look forward to. I've come up with a few solid activities that I am trying to integrate into my life to keep cabin fever at bay:

Writing
I've started writing the outline of a story about two young friends who believe that invisibility can be achieved with the mental negation of your Self. I've been able to go pretty deep into the narrative, but I'm having real trouble writing dialogue that sounds believable. Blargh.

Drawing
I have the Clown issue of VICE and I want to draw the clown portraits in pastel. It'll look awesome, but I need to go to Curry's and pick up some brighter coloured pastels for the clown hair.

Music
Ukulele. The one I bought at Steve's is fucked, so I have to bring it in to see if they can fix the top string. If not, I'll need to buy another one. I actually enjoy the uke more than the piano. It's got such a great sound and I've been able to pick it up pretty quickly. I'd also like to pick up a melodica if I ever come across a nice one.

Pole Dancing
Laugh if you like, but my body has never looked hotter. I've been taking classes since June at Aradia Fitness and have mastered all kinds of fancy spins and recently nailed the infamous inversion. Some people have asked if I'm taking classes because I want to go pro, but it's one thing to enjoy pole dancing at an all-girls studio vs. performing naked in a strip club. I just love the joyous abandon of spinning on a brass pole. I would encourage any girl of any body type or age to try it. Let me know if you want to take a free teaser class, I can set it up for ya!

Relationships
I'm not good at letting people close to me. I like getting close to people (as Laura once said, I'm a very "penetrative" person), but when it comes to letting people see my icky, sappy innards... I generally feel disinclined to do so. This started when I was quite young; I never wanted to tell my mom if anything was wrong because I didn't want to stress her out or be yelled at. Or worse, have her try to fix my problems for me. So I keep shit tight to my chest and try to fix everything all on my own. This doesn't usually work out. And it alienates people who I've helped but who never get to help me in return.

Walking the Line

2008-09-15T19:53:00.008-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to live a monastic life. Having my own space and more time to my own thoughts than what I know to do with, I've been even more contemplative than usual.

A Buddhist monk lives by two rules:

Chastity
Poverty

Unlike most other religions, Obedience is not a vow that Buddhist monks are required to take. Nor are they to commit to a single leader. It's expected for monks to be able to rule and govern their own spiritual path as well as physicial well-being. Spiritual and individual independence comes first.

"Vinaya is for the sake of discipline, discipline for the sake of freedom from remorse, freedom from remorse for the sake of relaxation, relaxation for the sake of rapture, rapture for the sake of calm, calm for the sake of bliss, bliss for the sake of samadhi, samadhi for the sake of insight and knowing things as they are, insight and knowing of things as they are for the sake of disenchantment, disenchantment for the sake of dispassion, dispassion for the sake of liberation, liberation for the sake of insight and knowledge of liberation, insight and knowledge of liberation for the sake of total unbinding without clinging." (Pv.XII.2)

During Buddha's lifetime, he and his disciples came up with 250 rules for the Vinaya, all created by circumstance and all with exceptions to the rule. Since Obedience wasn't a vow, no one was punished, but to break the Vinaya was a personal burden that a monk would have to carry on his own. For someone whose life is devoted to meditation and enlightenment, to do something "wrong" would require a personal penance to oneself - whatever that may be.

There have been way too many occasions in my past where I acted too impulsively and excessively. Had I just taken a step back at those critical points and reflected, I feel certain that my inner wisdom could have prevailed. But I was afraid of losing my nerve I guess - or afraid of losing the moment, so I rushed forward. Some lessons are only learned when the cold, wet pavement hits your face and your teeth fall out.

As I contemplate the next phase of my life, I will look inward for the path I need to take. And I think a few monastic vows to myself wouldn't hurt either.

My Blogger History

2008-09-11T19:32:00.005-07:00

It's amazing how long it's been since I sat down and wrote here. For awhile, I shied away because this is connected to Facebook and with over 300 friends, I started feeling a bit shy about blogging again.

The thing with this blog is it's where I let myself explore the darkest recesses of my Self. And while I'm sure not that many people actually read it, I think there are more silent readers now than before.

In the original days of Everytime I Feel Like Alice, there were only a handful of readers: The NotSelf, Datura's Garden, Sweaty Blistered Sneaker Toe, Fudge and Pazzol Rama. If you knew them, you would know that this is a very unique group of people and it's been a priviledge blogging with them.

So knowing that the audience is a bit wider now, I'm still feeling shy about talking about my personal life at the moment. However, I'm enjoying this walk down memory blog lane, and will continue down this path until there is nothing more to add.

What's in a name?

The name Everytime I Feel Like Alice is a line out of a story I wrote in 2004 based on a most memorable mushroom trip. There's an obvious connection between Alice and mushroom trip, but the phrase is more significant than that at least to me personally.

I've been known to be impulsive - it's both a weakness and a strength of mine. A weakness in that sometimes I do things without considering the full consequences and a strength because it allows me to go places I probably wouldn't go if I actually thought about it. The result is that I often put myself in situations that are thrilling and uncomfortable.

These bouts of impulsiveness can be described as Times I Feel Like Alice. It's a rush like falling down a tunnel and you don't know when it might stop and you don't know if you're going to land on your head or your ass. Or your feet and your knees break.

Remember ICQ?

DelinquencySignal is a handle I used to use in high school. I used it on ICQ for a little while - I changed my nickname often back then. But I really love the sound of it and have been lucky to get it for my blog name as well as my YouTube channel name.

I think this name really sheds light on the shit-disturber side of me, which I'm sure for some of you may be difficult to imagine. But ask my mother. She will tell you. That's all I need to say about that.

Properties

Blogger isn't my first blog. From 1998-2003, I ran my own Geocities website called Krazyjasmine's Krazy Website that used to attract 200 new visitors per month. I was amused with spelling my own name "wrong" (there's no E!). This was essentially a blog where I wrote about my day, my friends, my woes, my joys... But it also had many incarnations including a fan site for my Quake II clan, Clan [519] and my high school crew: Bitch Ass Crew, which included a members section.

Blog Philosophy

Blogging is not for everyone. I'm not even sure if it's for me. But I think essentially what always brings me back to it is my love of this vast interweb where my words, my thoughts, my dreams becomes one with the great www.

There's nothing spiritual about it, though. Don't get me wrong, I do not worship the internet. It's the sheer fact of it, of all of this information being stored in machines and shared across the world through wires and microwaves... the reality of it inspires me to blog. To participate in my own insignificant way. Here... no contribution is too small because the reward is personal. You get what you put in. And there's beauty in that.

suicide word clouds

2008-06-24T13:47:00.005-07:00

i found this awesome site: wordle.net that lets you drop in a body of text and it converts into a word cloud. to test it out, i created word clouds out of the Kurt Cobain and Virginia Woolf's suicide letters. i'm a bit in awe of their simple eloquence.

min_o gets nostalgic (finally)

2008-06-09T13:59:00.005-07:00

Further to my last post on nostalgia, I found something today that I feel infinitely nostalgic about.

“Candy Candy” is a manga turned anime series turned movie that I used to watch in Hong Kong (Catnonese sub of course). I was 3 – 5 years old at the time, but I have some memory of watching it at my grandparents apartments – either one.

I’m relieved to have reclaimed a bit of my childhood. Most people remember episodes and songs from their childhood cartoons, but until now, I have very few of these memories. This is largely because at age 3, my family immigrated to Canada so there are a few formative years of my life when I couldn’t understand anything that was on television.

After reading the entire synopsis on Wikipedia, I discovered that I do have something to hold on to from that time in my life, even though few people will be able to share it with me. It’s amazing to me that this storyline which is far more sophisticated than any children’s program on air today is completely familiar.

My mom said that the show always made me cry, and it’s amusing that she encouraged what was probably the source of all the melodrama in my psyche.

Emotional Trauma

Death – Candy loses both her parents and her childhood playmate and boyfriend

Lost friendships – Candy’s best friend gets adopted and is forbidden to communicate with her again

Jealousy – Candy’s spirit and charm attracts all the handsome male characters, making her a target for the women around her

Cruelty – Candy’s adoptive family (the women) hate her and eventually force her to work as a maid to her adoptive sister

Blackmail – Candy’s engagement is broken because her fiancé gets blackmailed by another girl who loses her leg

Sexual Harassment (kind of) – Candy’s adoptive brother lies to her and her adoptive family forces her into getting engaged with him

Character Development

Candy was a good role model too especially since she was an orphan and I was an only child. She was consistently loyal, optimistic and loving which in the end (despite much suffering) earned her right to a happy ending.

True Romance

One part of the story that has haunted me forever was the scene when Candy’s crying over the loss of her best friend, Annie, and is crying on the hill. This is where she meets The Prince, the man to which her long, painful journey will eventually lead her. Here's the scene from the manga:

BBQ for friends who don't have rich cottage friends

2008-06-08T16:38:00.010-07:00

Our friend Brian Howe asked me to throw a BBQ on Friday night - just a small gathering of our close friends. So I sent out a sentinel of e-mails, fb messages and txt messages to gather the troops. Three hours later, he tells me he has been invited to a "mansion cottage" with his girlfriend for the weekend. Sorry.

Undeterred, I decided to throw the bbq for those of us who cannot escape to mansion cottages during these hot summer weekends.

Hosting is new to me since I've never really lived in a place that could accommodate what you'd call a "dinner party". It's almost an existential struggle when we do these things ever since we discovered Stuff White People Like... even though I'm not white which makes it doubly weird for me.

Girlfriends

They gathered around the breakfast bar while we gossiped as Leann cut up her beautiful melons (ugh bad and old joke that just won't die already) and I made a salad completely by hand. I.E. I tore every leaf into neat bite size pieces; cut and washed every plum tomato and strawberry individually. I realize that my method could not have been any slower, but I found the process rather therapeutic. I am beginning to understand why people enjoy cooking for others. Something to do with feeding the people you care about with more than just sustenance but also with your energy and love.

Boyfriends

When I wasn't being all domestimacated, I accompanied our friend Wes on the piano while he gave us a lovely rendition of Let it Be and Hallelujah. Two of the four songs I know how to play based on chords rather than straight sheet music (the others are Such Great Heights and Hey Jude).

Damage Done

2 lb rack of ribs
4 lb of hamburger meat
8 ounce steak
1 sausage
16 Burger-First PC hamburger buns
1 head of ice burg lettuce
1 box of plum tomatoes
1 box of strawberries
2 melons (cantaloupe and honeydew)
2 bottles of wine (white and red)
3 bottles of beer
3 strongbows

Always there is Nostalgia

One of the catches of dating a guy and subsequently having friends who are all in their late 20's or early 30's is the fucking nostalgia. Everything from TV shows, cartoons and most especially music, this demographic never gets tired of reminiscing on the pop culture that molded their infinitely complex and highly visual young minds.

I've given up on trying to catch up completely, but once again by the end of the night the remaining 7 of us sat around Ryan's music and media corner and compared the vast difference in music scenes between early 90's and late 90's, who could name the most obscure TV show from the 80's, and the new bands that old band members from old bands have started (Shannon Hoon sang backup for Axl Rose in GNR), ad nauseum.

Morning After

But I think my favourite part of these gatherings are the morning afters when Kellie and Greg stay to take part in our Sunday breakfast routine. Chef Ryan always delivers a lip-smackin' (and nutritious) breakfast and I'll put on a couple of episodes of Flight of the Conchords as we wind down from the week and savor the moments before Monday.

This morning I had the pleasure of watching Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001) for the first time and I absolutely loved it! I'm really looking forward to the next time because the story has so many layers and textures and contexts which is unusual for a musical. Actually it's more of a rock opera.

The film so inspired me musically that I went out and bought a ukulele from Steve's on my way home to meet Mark for my music lesson. Not that I needed yet another distraction from my piano (as if 3+ pole dancing classes a week isn't enough), but the ukulele is portable and easy to pick-up, which makes for a good summer instrument for camping or playing in the park or balcony.

Meeting the Neighbours

After having anti-social and ill-mannered neighbours below us for the longest time, and then vacancy for over a month, we now have a new neighbour living in 168B. I met Josee this morning as she was hosing down our entry archway. French Canadian single-mom who's renovating the space below us by her self.

When we met her, she asked us if she wanted her to wash our door too. Ryan and I looked at each other kind of like do we WANT you to??? and not really sure how to say yes without feeling like we were ASKING her to. She saved us by saying, "Well, I might as well wash your door because if mine is washed and yours isn't, it'll look stupid." Fuck, I love her already.

Fluorescent Lights

So when I'm back at my desk tomorrow morning putting together a template for a market report card and discussing the US business acquisition strategy with my VP, I'll remember this weekend and know why I'm here at this place at this moment. I don't spend a lot of time wondering what it all means (blog posts to the contrary, but really), but nothing makes me feel more certain of my place in this universe than experiences like this.

Here There Everywhere

2008-05-29T14:09:00.003-07:00

Things have been weirdly changing and weirdly the same. Two weeks ago, I was flying and now I'm swimming in a vast ocean with no idea which way is land. Everything is fine and yet not quite. I've made friends with my new team, but I still don't feel like I'm a part of anything. Our wee apartment is lovely in the springtime, yet our washer's broken. I'm finally taking pole dancing lessons, but now I can't bend my arms at the elbows all the way.

In many ways, I'm used to this... the ever changing tide of an emotional Piscean. I suspect that I've lost my way in the demands of others. Putting me in an undefined role allows me too much room to roam and I think I've roamed too far. In the past two weeks, I've gone from being an acting creative director to submitting recommendations for a social media strategy. There haven't been any new competitive reviews to do, which is weird. And quite frankly, I'm annoyed that I still don't have a job title.

I know that job titles don't mean shit. Especially in my industry. But I still want one. It's like having an address or a phone number. How are people supposed to know who the hell you are? So that might be why I'm on edge, that and the fact that I haven't sat down and talked to my boss in two weeks either. Clearly it's all in my head because all I need to do is knock on his door and say hi. But I feel weird about it because I don't have anything to show him. The work I've been doing has been for other people. I feel silly for wasting his time. Argh. I should check and see if he's still here.

OK he's not there, but tomorrow I'm gonna do it. Why am I such a neurotic beast sometimes???

P.S. Did you notice that I just added twitter to my blog? It's easier than blogging and gets updated daily.

Creative Constipation

2008-05-01T18:38:00.003-07:00

As much as I love art, it doesn't come easy to me. Being a very thoughtful person, I often have to fight through a fog of overwhelming thoughts that keep me from being able to let loose those creative juices etc. This probably explains why I've never written a song even though I play piano, I can't seem to write any stories though I love to write, and I've never been able to produce a piece of art outside of my sketchbook.

It's frustrating when the skills come very easily to me but the creative process is so limited. Drugs never worked. I look back longingly to my childhood when I could and did draw everything and wrote stories about anything. I believed that when I grew up, I'd have all this wisdom and insight and culture that would channel through my fingers that would create something amazing.

Maybe I'm just not grown up yet.

Which Artist's Way?

I tried "doing" The Artists Way, and while it's a fantastic read and gives a lot of good suggestions, it didn't really solve my problem. I know it's supposed to un-stuck people who are stuck creatively, but my artist-block runs so deep I can literally feel it in my gut. It's like creative constipation.

What should I draw? What do I feel like drawing? What should I write about? What do I feel like writing about? What kind of music do I want to make? Does my voice sound as bad as I think it does? Who's my favourite artist? What kind of statement do I want to make?

These types of questions clog up the flow of any kind of spontaneity that might have allowed me to actually do something creative. But instead, I think and I think and I think my drawings and writing to death.

And don't even get me started about music.

Imagine taking classical piano for 10 straight years and not being able to do anything on those keys except read and memorize music. Not all classical students are like this of course, many actually learned enough from their training that they're able to sight-read and write songs. But not me. Why not me?

It may have something to do with my brain and training. I realized this soon after I started taking music lessons with Mark Ayton who I had met frequently at our friends parties where he'd astound me on his mandolin and make everyone laugh with his goofy blues solos. I consider it a blessing that our paths crossed and that he actually wanted to teach me about music.

It became apparent after our first class that all that piano training did was cause my mind to go into a cataonic trance everytime i sat down before a sheet of music. So the first thing to go was the sheet music. Mark has been slowly untangling the knots that my old piano teacher had slipped in every corner of my mind so that I'd be able to memorize enough songs adequately to pass each year's exams. And so she never needed to teach me anything about music at all.

Not that I blame her since I wasn't the most apt pupil, but still...

Now I wonder if there might be a way to untangle my other talents. I have a suspicion that the more writing I started to do for school, and the more art I had to hand in for my art assignments, the more I somehow started blocking the part of me that only did things for my own pleasure.

The problem is that I enjoyed creating for other people's pleasure. I liked being given assignments and blowing it out of the water. But I guess in many ways... this is too easy. And education isn't meant to stunt your growth, it's supposed to represent the beginning.

And so as I wander towards yet another hopeful summer - hopeful that I'll finally paint that matroishka; hopeful to paint something for my own home; hopeful that I might be able to jam with my friends... I'm a bit more optimistic this year. If Mark can untangle my love of music to the point where I can play for hours, singing, sounding out tunes that I like... then there must be a way for the rest to follow.

2008-04-17T19:10:00.002-07:00

it doesn't seem that long ago since we took this picture, but considering all the changes that's happened since that very day, we've all come a long way. what did we really know back then... about the condo market, career stress; work visas; salary negotiations; office politics; driving on the other side of the road; moving out of orangeville; love and even friendship.

the last is interesting because friendship in "adulthood" is vastly different than friendship of childhood or even university. trying to maintain friendships outside of a school setting becomes more and more difficult as life starts leading you into different directions. no matter how close you might live to one another - or how far away - doesn't necessarily determine whether the friendship survives the transitions of life.

in the past two months, i've had the incredible experience of reuniting with friends from as far back as elementary school; dinner with colleagues from the old porn days; kareoke with high school girl friends; coffee with industry mates; lunch dates to look forward to; dinner with CABBIES; the first unofficial Ultimate Book Club meeting; dinner parties with neighbourhood friends; etc.etc.etc.

it feels like spring brought with it an incredible tidal wave of familiar faces including MSN chats with my dad in China on some mornings. i wonder sometimes where we find the capacity to fill our lives with so many people when work and home demands so much from us alone. but these friends and family can draw from a bottomless well of love from me because they return the energy tenfold.

it feels so cliche to say that "life's short" - especially coming from someone who only just turned 24. but for some reason, i've always felt inexplicably old at times and not because i feel grown up... it's more like having a sentient experience of time where i can jump into a future where the pain of loss is just waiting for me. maybe everyone feels this way and doesn't want to talk about it.

there's no point in talking to it - borrowing yet another cliche "all things must end". i guess a part of me in the now is a bit outraged by the reality of it. why should things end when they are bursting with so much life, joy, beauty, love? it seems so bitterly unfair.

so i won't go on about it anymore. this is life in this very moment. we are all of us hyper-aware of this reality and what really gives me the courage to go on is the bravado of those around me. i've been fortunate to have met many individuals who rise to every occasion and i try to do the same in my own way.

i often like to think of my life as a book, or a drawing, or a piece of music... a giant snowball charging down a mountain gathering voices, thoughts, ideas, actions, creations, achievements and moments along the way. and i feel like i'm the snow that picks it all up, accepting what destiny has placed in my path as gifts rather than burdens.

i love the springtime.

6th chakra - seat of concealed wisdom

2008-03-26T13:41:00.003-07:00

as i travelled sleepily through the streets of a busy city in india, my attention focused on the bindis that float just between and above the eyebrows of everyone who passes by.

this is a movie of course because i've never been to india (yet) and i was surprised to see that everyone in this film both men and women wore bindis (i always throught that only women wore bindis as made popular in western cultures by gwen stefani and madonna).

in my semi-conscious fog i imagine the 6th chakras as eyes which we cannot see, but that which sees everything. the wise bindis winking and smiling at each other, silently acknowledging the divinity within each other, chuckling at the petty mortal problems that their bodies must endure in each life.

hello i'm the 6th chakra of jasmin, pleasure to meet you.

there are days when nothing matters anymore, it's all bullshit. people are stupid. some very fine thread of connection between my self and the rest of world is severed. and i suspect that this thread is connected to us by the 6th chakra.

my attraction to bindis starts here then. i can't help but wonder if wearing a bindi would help remind us every day that we are guided by something bigger than us - and i'm not talking about god or divinity. just our simple purpose in life - a purpose that has existed since the day we were born; passed on to us through ancient ancestry; directed by the ebb and flow today; and reaching always towards death and/or rebirth.

A Complete Overanalysis

2008-01-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

Ryan and I tried to watch Across the Universe again last night at home. We agreed that it's hard not to love a film at the premiere when you have the director and cast watching in the balcony above you and you’re wearing a cute little red vintage dress (I wore this, not Ryan).

Regardless of this, I still can't stop myself from watching the movie because it contains some awesome Beatles covers. If nothing else, this movie was just one big music video. And yes, of course the originals are better - the best. But what's wrong with paying homage? What's wrong with revival?

Creative Zombies Will Always Walk this Earth Forever

I'm not even a very nostalgic person (compared to most people I know). I grew up in an age when pop music was worse than it's ever been - the mid to late 90s were even worse than the 80's. I have no memory of any cartoon storyline. I didn't have very many toys except a Lite Brite and Play-Doh. I should be violently against everything that Across the Universe stands for with its lazy storyline and Beatles remixes.

But the fact is I'm really thankful to Julie Taymore for bringing their music back in an eventful way that we can enjoy at this contextual moment. The Beatles aren't around anymore to go on tour - most of us were not lucky enough to have been born in their time, and even less likely to have seen them in concert. So while I don't think Across the Universe will become a cult classic, artists of all forms will continue to be inspired by the Beatles for generations to come.

The Fountainhead

My love-hate relationship with Across the Universe is such a perfect example of the struggle between "classic" and "progressive" architecture in The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. What is right? Should we continue to re-purpose old styles and ideas because we have always loved them and are pretty much guaranteed the love and support of the masses? Or is this a bastardization of our god-given talents?

You Either Get it or You Don't

Classics because it's familiar and comfortable will always be easier to be accepted and loved. But luckily for us - in modern day North America, we are hungry for originality. However, unlike the setting in The Fountainhead, I suspect that we're starting to love original things because that's what's expected of us - and not necessarily because we have developed an understanding of it.

It just doesn’t matter whether you're into classic or progressive things - I think the point is to get it and know it and own it.

Job Title: Miscellaneous

2008-01-11T14:13:00.000-08:00

On January 20th, when I go to my school reunion where everyone will be passing out business cards and talking shop - I'm fairly certain that no one will have any idea what I'm talking about. Sometimes when I try to explain to people what I'm striving for - I can see their eyes sort of float off in boredom and I change the subject. What's the point?

It used to be so easy - "I work in advertising - I work on such-and-such brands" and mock-modestly saying how being an exec is a less glamorous job than it sounds.

The truth is, trying to be strategic in your career is like playing chess. It's slow. It's fucking complicated. But you have to look several steps ahead of the game in order to checkmate.

Oh the glory of it all!

I left a really fun agency job for a not-so-fun anti-agency job when I decided that I really wanted to be an interactive strategic planner. I've never heard of such a thing - and there wasn't such an opportunity at my last agency.

I want to learn so bad. Coming out of school, my quest for the Big Idea has been incessant. And now I've landed in a situation where I've sacrificed:

My pride (a cushy agency job)
My job title (account executive)
My agency connections (I try my best to keep in touch)
My cubicle (I sit on an island visible to all the VP's of this company)

Running on Faith

A part of me is very sad at this job. There's none of the razzle dazzle I miss so much. Sometimes I get so fucking tired of myself for ALWAYS being so goddamn demanding on myself. As I sit here while my ass gets fatter every day... when I'm about ready to just fucking be done with it - I'm confronted with a vision.

I see myself one day collaborating with other energetic, inspired people pumping out brilliant and elaborate strategies like it's nobody's business. It's this vision that keeps me going when I'm putting together Powerpoint presentations or talking to voicemails. I'd very much like to see it come true. Sooner rather than later would be nice.

Ever been beat up by your drug dealer?

2007-12-03T13:58:00.001-08:00

It's been a month since I consciously decided to stop smoking. It was going really well until last Wednesday. Ryan was taking his mom and his aunt out for dinner, and I was left to my own devices.

I ordered thai food and did some yoga, but couldn't concentrate so I stopped at my 7th Sun Salutation B. My mind was on the pot. How many evenings have I spent eating delicious curry pad thai and watching some inane television show? That was my Thing - ask anyone who had ever visited me in my old apartment on Dufferin. Oh the good old days...

Luckily, Leann called and saved me from my own weak pathetic self. I tried to justify the temptation - I can't even enjoy a glass of wine, I'm entitled to this blah blah blah. She accused me of "wanting to have a crutch" and she was right. 100%. Just because everyone else has crutches, does that make them right? Does that mean I can too - knowing full well what a useless pile of turd I turn into when I overindulge?

So I didn't. The tiny rolled roach is still sitting on my kitchen table. It comforts me to know that it's there. It's a reminder that I'm choosing to not smoke it - that it's not a situation thing (i.e. "If only I could buy some...")

Sometimes It's Worth It

But then two days later, I did choose to indulge. It was at Leann's birthday and someone had rolled her a beautiful, perfect, impossibly gorgeous blunt of a fresh blueberry strain. It shined like a beacon before me and I chose to treat myself. If I was going to cheat, I was going to do it in style. I smoked it like Clinton smoked his Monica laced cigar.

Wherein I Get My Ass Kicked

I was pretty proud of myself because I didn't smoke the next night when the recovering party people were trying to relieve their aches and pains. Perhaps I was feeling overly confident in my ability to resist temptation so my subconscious decided to drive the point home last night in a very vivid violent dream against drugs.

I was at my old apartment, grey and brown and hazy, and I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new dealer. This guy had high-end stuff, and I was very excited. He came over and sold me an ounce. I asked him how much it cost and he gave me a dirty look.

"Haven't you looked at the price sheet?"

1 ounce = $296.49

I don't have that kind of cash, but the dealer was giving off a totally bad vibe. I agreed to go to the bank machine and when we get there, he pounces on me and starts beating the crap out of my face. Blood and teeth are flying and I'm afraid of what my family and colleagues will think when they see me like this.

It doesn't take a psychoanalyst to interpret this dream. I just thought it was pretty fucking hilarious. It's nice to know that I've got my own back.

everything in its place

2007-11-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

lately, i've been finding a lot of inspiration from the idea that everything on this earth - in this universe - is made of the same fundamental matter. you could call it quarks an electrons, but maybe there's something even more fundamental than that which even encompasses that which we dream and think and feel. different forms of reality, anything that projects or retains energy.

i find myself reflecting on where i fit in this world of ours and i'm just filled with a feeling of gratitude. not because of the material things i have though of course it's great to wear cute outfits and live in my own condo, but when i really think about how the universe presents stranger after stranger, challenge after challenge, and it just blows my mind how many friends and rewards one acquires over a lifetime.

displacement

all my life i've suffered from bouts of depression, guilt, frustration... and it dawned on me sometime while i was sleeping last night that some of it at least is the product of displacement. either the displacement of a person or thing in my life where i'm continually trying to force-fit some ideal and being disappointed that things just AREN'T.

how i've tossed and turned at night over things that i wanted. i used to think that was ambition - right? to intensely want something? but having been working seriously now for two years, i can say that success has only come through intensely focusing on creativity, and the power of desire has only blind-sighted me.

creativity as a means of attracting shtuff

it's obvious that there are some people and things we are naturally drawn to or who are naturally drawn to us, but even that's not necessarily a direct result of our desire. the more direct way to acquire something we want is to do something to attract it - like get into a new type of music, create a new look, read a new book, write a new resume, change your voicemail message. i really do see all of this as creativity... it's putting yourself into a place to acquire something new be it a skill, knowledge, friends or recognition.

dancing as a religion

i need to get home to put together a playlist for leann's birthday party. here's what i have so far:

99 Red Balloons by Nena
Hong Kong Garden by Siouxie and the Banshees
D.A.N.C.E. by Justice

if dancing were a religion, i'm gonna be praying my ass off tonight!

the basic elements of love and creativity

2007-11-26T10:53:00.000-08:00

Before there was life, there were the four elements. Air. Earth. Water. Fire.

These elements were separate, yet they were comprised of the same basic elemental force.

One day, something changed the way these elements existed. unconscious of one another. A feeling of attraction overcame the elements, thus the origin of life.

What brought the elements together? Was it something within the elements - something that stirred in the elemental force that bound them? Or was there an outside catalyst?

Humanity has been searching for an answer since we were able to form thoughts. Men and women have dedicated entire lives to solve this mystery, and many lives have been lost fighting wars in an attempt to win this argument with violence.

Before there was life, these elements existed without history or observation. Although we cannot recreate the beginning of time, there is a more common denomination of attraction that humanity has the ability to understand: love.

Not to be confused with desire, true love comes from a deep place within us and grows exponentially and irrationally with time. So perhaps, these elements who complemented each other so naturally for so many lifetimes began to develop a fondness for one another. Although they took vastly different forms, they recognized that they were basically the same. In this recognition came acceptance. In unquestioned acceptance came love.

As these elements opened up to each other, they began to create using their varied attributes. Through these actions and reactions, they evolved into more than just four elements. So deep and so strong was their love, that they began the limitless, wonderous and unstoppable experiment that is creation.

Photography by Philip Toledano. Visit: mrtoledano.com

My Brain has Taken Me Hostage

2007-11-17T15:19:00.001-08:00

this week was all about consumption. i guess i was hungry! i'm really good at filling my belly with delicious food, but my mind was famished. i was desperate for lots of stimulation, sparkling new ideas, magic beans that would sprout even more thoughts.

i think it's normal to go into phases where your mind becomes a bit lethargic and all of a sudden it wakes up and kicks your ass all the way to the bookstore, or the movie store, or the theatre, or just places that can sometimes feel too out of the way or activities that seem time consuming. i guess my mind has been asleep for some time and now it's holding my eyes hostage. my eyes want want to eat everything with substance.

Words as Food for Eyeballs

i mentally consumed a book that Laura lent me called The End of Mr. Y. i won't give you the synopsis, but it's definitely one of the best fictions i've read in a long time. similar to the way Eat Pray Love conveyed some very deep spiritual ideas in a very relatable, absorbable way; The End of Mr. Y conveys some very complex metaphysical ideas in a very digestable, plausible way.

i like the juxtaposition of the two books that i've read basically back to back and they complimented each other really well. where the first opened up my heart, the second opened up my mind. it's like the universe is set on dissecting me, or maybe i'm trying to dissect myself.

so next on my reading list:

Moving Images as Beverage for Eyeballs

last night, ryan and i went to see the first movie at the theatre in ages. since the summer, there have only less than a handful of movies that were worth paying for, but since the film festivals have ended, there are at least four movies that i desperately want to watch.

last night we saw Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, a Sidney Lamet film starring one of my favourites: Philip Seymour Hoffman. again, no synopsis here, but what i absolutely loved about it was the poetic symmetry of the storyline. and the acting just fucking jumps off the screen on all sides. the story is dark, unfolding the snowball effect of someone who makes one bad decision after the next.

although Marisa Tomei's character really doesn't shine in this movie, despite the fact that her role is integral to the aforementioned Series of Bad Decisions, i really loved her wardrobe from this film. that is when she's wearing anything at all because she does spend a couple of scenes showing off her nipples.

i was shocked when i found out that Sidney Lamet's 85 years old! i'm not a huge movie buff, but knowing the directors helps set a context for films, especially if i watch a lot of films from the same director (like David Lynch). Sid did a fantastic job, and the reason why i was surprised was because the style was really edgy and powerful.

he chose a stylish method of flipping between scenes and timelines that really added to the desperate pace of the movie - it kind of visually stimulated an "uh-oh moment" where it makes you feel like shitting your pants: something Bad has happened. and then the way he would open a scene with a close-up of the character's faces (and you can imagine the amount of pure emotion that pours out from Albert Finney) and lets it pan out to lead your mind and give you context to the scene before a word is said.

it was lovely to be in the hands of such an experienced film director.

next on the movie list:

Please Feed Eyeballs Here

If there are any books, movies, new artists that you want to feed me, please make recoomendations here. if there's music that you want to suggest... well, this is a sore spot for me because i lost my nano 3 weeks ago, and well... lets just say i've been humming to myself a lot.