Zombie Eat Brains

Brains.

2007-07-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

Happy 21st birthday to Lindsay Lohan! Now she can legally eat brains. (I saw in the tabloids she's already been sneaking a few. You can tell from the way it's ruined her voice. Shame on her!)

Brains.

2007-06-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

Inspired by here.

Brains.

2007-06-16T00:33:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's a picture of my zombie cat, Bub! (Before my zombie dog ate him.)

Source: LOLBRAINZ

Brains.

2007-06-15T23:49:00.000-07:00

Briiiiiaaannnsss...

No, that's not a typo. Today, I ate the brains of Brian Williams, Brian Dennehy, Brian Austin Green, and Brian Posehn.

They all play golf together. Who'da thunk it?

Brains.

2007-06-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I caught Ashley Tisdale, and I was all ready to eat her brains.

Then she promised me a part in Haunted High School Musical.

What can I say? I've always wanted to sing. And maybe I can eat Zac Efron's brains instead.

This could be the start of something new...

Brains.

2007-06-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well, it's about time!

The Zombie Uprising has begun, and I am all over it. In fact... I sort of started it.

I was in Starbucks, and I just wanted a caramel frappuccino, I swear. The "barista" (if that is a real word, and I suspect it isn't) asked me what size I wanted, and I said, "Small." And he said, "Do you mean tall?"

I thought he had misheard me (I have trouble enunciating ever since my tongue fell out), so I said, "No, I want a small."

He said, "A small is a tall." And I said, "That doesn't make any sense. Tall sounds like a large drink." And he said, "Not here at Starbucks!"

And then I looked at the board on the wall, and said, "Oh, I guess grande is a large, then." And he said, "No, grande is a medium." And I said, "But grande literally means 'large' in Italian," and he said, "Starbucks isn't Italian," and I said, "Well, you're trying to be all faux-Italian, aren't you, Mr. Barista," and he said, "Whatever, our large is called a venti," and that's when I ate his brains. Stuffed them in the blender, added some ice and caramel and whipped cream, and had me a brain frappuccino. Dee-lish!

Then I started eating everybody else's brains, and things got kind of out of hand. Next thing you know: Zombie Uprising.

I'm just taking a break from all the brain eating, blogging from my laptop in the Starbucks. Free wi-fi! If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go try to track down Ashley Tisdale and eat her brains before the military gets things back under control. (I'm a big fan of The Suite Life of Zack & Cody.)

Brains.

2006-12-14T19:17:00.000-08:00

Hey, answer me this. Did I really just see the cast of The View swarm upon and gorily devour Elizabeth Hasselbeck's brains after she claimed that the E. coli-tainted Taco Bell food was "probably caused by gay marriage"? Or did I just dream that?

If I dreamed it, please don't tell me.

Brains.

2006-12-05T15:11:00.000-08:00

As a rotting, stinking carcass reanimated in a violation of all that is good and holy, I sometimes have self esteem problems.

It helps to have someone to look down on.

Brains.

2006-11-30T21:07:00.000-08:00

Zombie Tom lives again! (For the moment, anyway.)

Much like Zombie Tinkerbell, your clapping, in the form of comments (an average of more than one for every month I've been away! A veritable tsunami!), has resurrected me. I can not thank you enough.

By which I mean, give me your brains. To eat.

Brains.

2006-04-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

I am going to eat the brains of every single person who is responsible for the "Silly Little Fairy" commercial for Dodge.

I am so not even kidding about this. Those people have forfeited their brain privileges.

Brains.

2006-04-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to Katee Sackhoff!

26. She's 26 years old today. And you know what the traditional birthday gift for 26 is? A brain-eatin'.

I'm gonna have my very own zombie Starbuck. Beat that, nerds!

Brains.

2006-03-31T12:09:00.000-08:00

Hey, these guys write a zombie blog, too. Only, as far as I can tell, they don't actually eat any brains. Which frankly is pretty weak. But they've recently posted about the Necronomicon and Re-Animator, which is cool enough that I probably won't eat their brains. Today.

Brains.

2006-03-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

I ran into Zombie Eve Longoria again yesterday. She apologized for eating all my brains last time I saw her. I thought that was sweet.

I said I'd forgive her if she let me turn Nicollette Sheridan into a zombie. (I'm still mad at Paige for killing Peter.) She told me that Nicollette was engaged to Michael Bolton. I said forget it, that's already punishment enough.

Brains.

2006-03-13T09:51:00.000-08:00

Charlie* don't surf, and zombies don't snowboard. I should've remembered that before I went to Tahoe this weekend.

I broke seventeen bones. Fortunately only five of them were mine.

I also ate seventeen brains. I think the one I found in the woods was Sonny Bono's.

*I don't know which Charlie this means, but I bet it's Charlie Rose.

Brains.

2006-03-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

Snakes on a Plane isn't due to be released until August 18, and already I'm so sick of hearing about it that I swear I'm going to eat the brains of the next 1,000 people on the internet who reference it, either ironically or in all sincerity.

That said, I'm still gonna see it on opening day. It's SNAKES on a PLANE, dude.

Brains.

2006-03-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

If someone doesn't get cracking on organizing a Night Court reunion movie while all the leads are still alive and relatively presentable (Harry Anderson's getting pretty chunky, yo), I'm going to start eating all their brains out of spite.

But not Markie Post. Never my Markie.

Brains.

2006-03-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

Remember on Sesame Street, when beloved corner shop owner Mr. Hooper died? And then the adults in the neighborhood had to explain to Big Bird that Mr. Hooper wasn't going to be coming back? I think that was one of the most touching and powerful moments in not just children's TV, but in all television history.

When Mr. Hooper's zombified corpse returned and devoured the original Gordon? Slightly less touching. But about 100 times as awesome.

Brains.

2006-03-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

If I were to have my own TV sitcom, I think I'd like to play the comically uptight owner of a delightful little bed and breakfast located in a quaintly colorful small town. My staff would include a wacky chef, possibly with a funny accent, a surly but lovable handyman, and a pretty maid who may or may not be in love with me as the owner.

Then, every night, we would feast on the brains of our guests in a horrifically graphic and violent orgy of gore.

Maybe I would have a catch phrase, too. "Them brains is grub-a-licious!!"

Brains.

2006-03-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

I was listening to some Jim Gaffigan, and he got me thinking, you know what would go good in a Hot Pocket?

Brains.

Braaaaaaaain Pocket!

Brains.

2006-02-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

So, have you heard about this "Poker" game that is apparently all the rage? "Texas Hold Them Poker"?

Some guy I sat next to on the bus the other day started telling me about this game. He was talking non-stop about his pocket snowmen and his rainbow flops and catching trips on the river, and all kinds of junk that made no sense. It was very, very annoying.

Every other passenger on the bus cheered when I ate his brains.

Then I ate all of their brains, too.

That's a good story.

Brains.

2006-02-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

You ever wake up late at night and have a craving for some weird food for a midnight snack? That happened to me last night. I woke up and I could not stop thinking about eating Maria Bamford's brains. Sadly, I was fresh out.

I wonder if the Comedians of Comedy are still touring.

Brains.

2006-02-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

Today, instead of doing something useful like tracking down some brains, and eating said brains, I spent my valuable time on the internets, following a fake flame war between Warren Ellis and Joss Whedon, and looking up The Gary Coleman Show on IMDb.

Man, I don't even deserve brains today.

Brains.

2006-02-13T18:20:00.000-08:00

As I'm sure you're all aware, the zombie Olympics are being held concurrently with the "real" Olympics. Zombie Jim Thorpe lit the torch. It was very moving.

My favorite event is brain curling. No matter who wins, at the end, you stick the broom handle into the brain: everybody gets brainsicles!

Brains.

2006-02-11T22:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people ask me, "Zombie Tom? What is the most perfect song ever created by which to eat brains?"

And I always tell them: "Rainbow in the Dark," by Ronnie James Dio.

Then I fire up the iPod, and eat the hell out of their brains.

Brains.

2006-02-10T08:48:00.000-08:00

Zombie Tom's answer to today's Friday Five:

1. Brains.
2. Brains.
3. Brains.
4. Hot Shots Golf 3.
5. Brains.

You can pretty much just fill that in for every week.