* golden state *

not the average fan reaction, i'm sure

2008-06-26T16:26:00.000-07:00

let me tell you a little something about me.

i do not like people. a person i might like, perhaps a small group of persons. but en masse? as a horde? no thank you, i will have thirteen vodka sodas, season 2 of angel* and a taco instead please.

because i know this about myself, i don't often go to shows. i don't like them. they last just a bit too long and it gets warm at indoor shows and cold at outdoor ones and there are too many people and those people are often drunk and inconsiderate and they smoke the pots. go ahead, smoke your pot, i don't care, but here? in public? not all of us want to smell it. it gives some of us migraines, ok? so next time you're going to a show and you want to get all cheech and chongy please make/bring brownies or i will come after you and only walk away once i've got your eyes in my hand like baoding balls. because that's what my migraines are like, and it's impolite not to share.

anyways, tuesday night i went on a date (!) to the hollywood bowl to see black francis and stone temple pilots. this is how the conversation went when i was invited:

him: do you want to go see stone temple pilots with me?
me: ...
him: at the hollywood bowl? it will be fun and it's kind of a big deal to me.
me: ... ...
him: so?
me: i need to consult my rabbi.

since my rabbi really had no opinion, i frantically IMed my best friend and she sagely replied: "if you think you can go and either have fun, or at least not let on that you're not having fun, then you should go. if you're going to be miserable about it, let him go with someone else who won't ruin it for him."

SHE KNOWS ME SO WELL. i ruin things for people. professionally.

anyways, i looked deep into my heart and decided that since once upon a time i had enjoyed both stone temple pilots and concerts, i would give it a try. also, it didn't hurt that it was free. that's so shallow! i can't believe i said that! oh wait, yes i can. i am but an empty room.

so tuesday night. we took the shuttle to the bowl (which i totally recommend because it makes the whole ordeal much less stressful) and got there right on time to be tossed to and fro like cute little seahorses in a giant sea of douchebags with fake boobs and really really bad hair. our seats were really good (center, terrace box, second row) which helped with my slight people problem. except for the fact that the other person in our box was FERAL. like this is pretty much her:

image by chad savage

she sat down with so much ANGER i was scared she might eat me. she was angrily sitting most of the evening, except for when she was angrily texting, or angrily smoking, or angrily shouting for scott weiland to "shut up and shoot up." needless to say, i (sitting quietly in the box with a lap blanket) was appalled. i wanted to smack her face!

i didn't because i thought she might cut me, but also when did i become such a crotchety old lady?

the show was good- i had forgotten how many songs of theirs i really liked. scott weiland is so skinny and i'm pretty confident that he's also probably like 30% gay but i do not care. i would still go there. i would go there in a house, i would go there with a mouse. ok, no mice. unless he's into that? i guess i could be negotiable.

the best part of the show (for me) was the end- and not because it was over but because after walking along the edge and shaking hands with audience members and taking pictures etc etc, mr. weiland (scott? can i call him that? probably only after we do it.) scooped up his children and carried them sweetly offstage into the night.

it was a really beautiful sight, full of hope and love and all of the things any of us wish for. i was so proud of a man i don't even know for getting himself together and figuring it out- good things CAN happen if you make them, if you work. it was immensely poetic, and that image will stay with me a long time.

plus hot rock guy dad makes my ovaries go all asplodey.

*aside: i have to say that back when this show first aired i was very upset that they killed off doyle so early in the series, and rewatching it now I AM JUST AS UPSET. FUCK YOU, TV EXECUTIVES. WESLEY (pfft, wesley) IS NO DOYLE. NO.

learning curve

2008-06-04T16:06:00.000-07:00

last night on my way to burlesque craft night, i stopped at wendy's for some "food." i just wanted some of those chickeny nuggets, you know? they're so salty and delicious. anyways, i pull into the fairly long driveway line behind some guy in a nicer car than mine. i'm listening to my music, trying not to make eye contact with the employee having his break at the table outside because HELLO AWKWARD I HAVE NO WHERE TO LOOK BUT AT A PIMPLY TEEN, and about a minute passes when he starts gesturing out the window. i sort of ignore it, because who am i to judge someone making shadow puppets or whatnot, regardless of time or location?

then he leans out the window and yells at me.

"BACK UP."

uh, whut? i turn down my music.

"BACK UP SO I CAN GET OUT."

please take a look at this wendy's. you can see it here. I don't know if you can tell from that, but pretty much it's in an inconvenient location at a very busy intersection, and this man wanted me to back up INTO THE SIX LANES OF TRAFFIC STREET so he could exit the line.

"COME ON."

"where am i supposed to go? you want me to back up into the street???"

and then he said, "JUST DO IT. DON'T GET ALL DRAMATIC DARLIN'."

yes you read that correctly. my hackles were raised. my face warmed. i backed up slowly and carefully and let him out.

when i pulled back into line, i looked into his car and noticed a woman in the passenger side.

as i sat there, waiting my turn, the heat boiled up in me. how rude of him! how condescending! dramatic?? for that?? and DARLIN'? that muthafucka. i'll kill him.

then (quite suddenly) i realized he's that girl's boyfriend, or worse- husband. he treated me, a stranger, that way and she has to deal with it regularly. without any warning i was reminded of all the times a man would say to me "you're overreacting" when i absolutely was not- the times he would say, "you're being crazy" or some variation there of when all i was being was independent, or in possession of reasonable expectations from a man who was supposed to love me.

and then, out of that, while i still felt sorry for the woman in the car, i was taken over with pride in myself- that i don't let people speak to me that way anymore and that i recognized it so quickly in someone new.

there are warning signs, i know this, and it's hard to read them when there are emotions involved (lust is an emotion, right?), but days pass and i grow ever more sure of my literacy.

on blogging

2008-06-02T16:13:00.000-07:00

when i made this blog public again my intention was to post regularly. i love writing- i'm good at it- i have no shortage of interesting things about which to write- and i was sure i was ready for this commitment.

perhaps i was wrong? i don't know that i have the energy to do this. what i need is a good old fashioned cocaine habit. the thing about living life fully is that you can't find adequate time to write about it fully. and then someday, when my brain is addled and my boobs and triceps hang low like vines i will not be able to remember the funny way the hair grows on his inner forearm or the way she smells so strongly of pikake flowers and that pains me.

i want to capture it all- i want to be able to hold on to every bit of this. last sunday? i danced with a wirey and barely 21 guy at a rockabilly show. he had a two-tone wedge haircut and his license photo was adorable and he simulated playing an upright bass on me in time with the actual bass player as he spun me round and round, his hand on my waist and i was TheOlderWoman, if only innocently, if only ephemerally, and i want to remember that.

the date i went on with the guy in the bicycle sweater? the day i learned to ride a bike (this was only like two months ago, fyi, because i am remedial)? winning viva? the guy who woke up before me and fed my cats?? this is my life, and i want it all neatly filed and organized in air-tight see-through bins, with well-composed photos and perhaps scent cards and without a doubt pithy commentary.

this weekend i'm going to the miss exotic world burlesque hall of fame weekender again and i hope to have stories to tell you, because a few years from now (and i know this already from my dusty archives) i will read them and relive the most impressive moments of my life- be they big moments or little moments or mostly insignificant moments that have shaped me.

begin.

some things never change

2008-05-07T16:47:00.000-07:00

so i'm sure you're convinced that in the year since i last posted regularly i've been off being glamorous, doing things like:

bathing only in heated pools of fiji brand water
wearing only things that have been hand-sewn and beaded for me by tiny elves living deep in a mushroom forest
dating fabulous men who appreciate me and treat me with respect
having my bones replaced with adamantium
training my cats to fetch my pills

only one of these things is actually true. i'm guessing you know which one.

anyways, the truth is this. i actually HAVE been off being glamorous. i always sort of thought my life would be amazing and i would get to dress up in great outfits and bigtallshoes and have fancy hair and makeup and ridiculous eyelashes and then i'd go out to parties and bars and restaurants and for a long time this was all just a sort of disorganized fantasy i almost didn't even know i was having... and then i realized one day i was doing it. i'm living the life i always played out with my barbies, except with slightly more booze (slightly meaning hand over the vodka or i will likely end up in prison for your brutal front-page murder) and significantly less sex. it was fucking melrose place in my barbie beach house.

the point of all this is that I AM FABULOUS. and yet.

so remember when i got smooshed in my car? smooshed like grape! so it's now two plus years later and i finally got my bills paid. the check arrived and after i had rubbed it all over my naked body parts i cashed it... then i was going to rub all those bills all over my naked body parts but i remembered money is kind of dirty and also i am kind of neurotic and then i thought about that for while because i sort of got preoccupied with the idea of all the itsybitsy germies and all the hands that have touched each dollar and did you know that more often than not a man doesn't wash his hands and so every time you touch a doorknob or a dollar you are pretty much covered in second-hand wang? anyways, i paid off some debt.

then i bought a dyson.

that's right. glamorous sparkly impeccably-dressed me spent my "free money" on a vacuum cleaner. AND IT IS GLORIOUS. when i first held it and ran it across my carpeted floor i was breathless with its magnificent power. if it were a human, i would have sexed it on the spot. it wasn't until i looked at all the cat fur stuck in its container that i realized i was living in squalor. but really, once i was done shaving the cats i felt better. they didn't mind too much. i only lost one eye.

so the dyson is amazing and i love it and i would gladly have its unusually heavy but aesthetically-pleasing yellow babies. it is because of this fact that i can relate the following: like most canister vacuums, the dyson is not terribly easy to empty in a seamlessly clean manner. there's always dust flare up, which irritates both my eyes and my ungodly OCD. so i just carry the canister right down to the dumpster and let the dust flare up into the great big gray sky of los angeles, where it clearly belongs.

it was just such a moment, this past sunday, after having vacuumed all the many metric tonnes of discarded cat and sequins and glitter from my floors (and couches, because hot damn if that dyson doesn't have a sweet-ass hand attachment) that i found myself in a predicament. in a moment of sheer... well, sheer me... i dropped the canister right to the bottom of that foul and most-wretched stinkbox.

and because i love that GODDAMNED dyson so fucking much you better believe i hoisted myself into that dumpster, my legs flailing like party streamers in the air, just to get it back out.

i risked my life for a vacuum cleaner. the force is strong with this one... if by force you mean "neuroses" or "issues" or "just plain crazy." which of course, if you know me at all, you probably do.

i've gone public.

2008-05-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

it's been a year i think since i went private, and in that year i've posted very very little. i'm not sure if i will post more this way or if i will start over but i'm tired of this little niche i carved for myself being cut off from the world.

i'm proud of what i created here, so i'm unleashing it upon you once again.

please enjoy, with a side of photos from my victory at viva las vegas.

i totally won.

2008-04-14T18:14:00.001-07:00

i have no pictures, but when i find them, they're yours!

oh by the way....

2008-02-28T17:02:00.000-08:00

if anyone cares, i didn't get in to viva. i came in seventh, and the top six get to go.

but then number six dropped out... so i'm currently building a giant collapsible birdcage to trek on over to the gold coast hotel and casino come april 12th!

wish me luck!

(unrelated, i'm considering a new blog, non-private, under a new name. thoughts?)

Voting January 1 - 31

2008-01-02T00:35:00.000-08:00

CLICK TO GO TO THE VOTING PAGE!!

i'm in the tenth row, on the left. you can vote once per IP Address. if you have access to more than one, please use them! also, feel free to repost this banner!!! (i might make a better one tomorrow.)

i am a busy busy bee

2007-09-25T12:17:00.000-07:00

oh hai people! i's still alive.

i've been mighty busy with burlesque shows and work and costuming etc etc, and my birthday is this weekend so i'm sure i'll be up to my eyeballs in vodka drinks, but i wanted to show you something.

photos from my recent shoot with Betty C, a local photographer. these are the un-retouched straight out of the camera shots. YAY ME!

burlesque!

2007-08-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

presenting... my debut. the costume has now been upgraded- as have my moves, so this isn't really an accurate depiction, but you get the idea.

i have done two different numbers, performed many times, including in a show at the amazing sunset junction. i'm currently costuming for an upcoming halloween photoshoot and a number that involves delivering the news... but since all talk and no boobie pics makes jack a dull boy, here are some things for your delight.

interviewed by yournamehere

2007-07-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

5. Besides family and friends, what do you miss most about the east coast?

food, glorious food! suppertime! there are foods there i can't get here (dunkin donuts, delicious seafood like maine lobster and fried clams, kelly's roast beef), and really, besides the family and friends, what else is there????

4. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

oh geez. are we talking physical or otherwise? i'm a very logical kind of girl, so i've given this question a good deal of thought. physically speaking, i would change the one thing that bothers me most, because the other things i could technically change through something i hear is called "diet and exercise." so the physical change i would make in myself- i would have magic hair (head and body) that would grow in the areas and to the length i decided. if we're talking non-physical, well there are two things. i would like to be more assertive and more patient, with myself and others. but i'm working on both.

3. Which is your favorite neighborhood or area of Los Angeles?

wow, this is hard. i love so many things about LA. chinatown is great, i love the metro stations there that look like pagodas. the venice canals/beaches are gorgeous. fairfax is a good place to hangout because it's fairly central and not scary. (that's a bad reason to like an area, isn't it?) i feel like there are so many things in LA i've not seen that i can't make an educated decision. there are things to value just about everywhere... for instance: dollar taco stands. wherever the tacos are is my favorite part of LA.

2. Do you have a personal role model?

that's an excellent question. i don't think i have one person in particular that i look to as an example, but more so aspects of many people that i admire and hope to cultivate in myself. some of those people are reading this right now, i'd imagine.

1. Who is the douchiest celebrity you've seen out in public?

i've not seen that many celebrities, to be honest. i don't hang around the right places. i met drusilla from buffy and she was very kind and even wrote my mom a note. (mom's a big fan.) most of the douchey people i know are just regular. sorry.

i'm supposed to offer to interview you now, but really, i won't do that. so if you have any questions you'd like to ask me, feel free. i will answer them.

yes, we have no strawberries.

2007-07-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

because i am trying to be honest with myself about this on all counts, i will write it out here: i did better this time. i should be proud of that.

while i obviously still screwed it up by choosing to be interested in someone who was either truly unavailable or just not willing to be more so (and i'll never really know which), at least in other respects he was a good man.

and while i know i should just let it go, i find myself still sadly hoping.

because of that, i will not be pursuing anything else- not that i was before anyways. he came as a complete surprise... but i think i need to devote more time to me, so that maybe when i meet someone in the future, i'll do even better.

in other news, in addition to the massive amounts of travel i had already planned on logging in this summer (two trips to SF, a trip to san diego, and an early autumn visit to AZ) i apparently will be flying cross country to attend a barbecue with strangers, because that's the kind of girl i am. you know, the kind who will fly over 2000 miles to distract herself... and to reclaim her life and her joy in being alone.

those strawberries were delicious though, while i had them.

dear blog:

2007-07-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

you should have a seat, sugar. this could take a while. i'm just going to type and see where we end up.

"all my friends say that of course it's gonna get better..."

it's been nearly a month, and a really wonderful month it's been. to be fair, my life has been nothing but lovely since the moment i struck out on my own. i meant it when i said i loved it here in LA- i have a beautiful life and i sometimes get quiet for a moment just to appreciate it. that's what happened on the fourth of july, when ariel said i was awfully quiet- i was just appreciating the lucky way things fall together sometimes, that allow a person to spend a whole day off talking and making pretty objects with a good friend... and how that's a certain type of independence that should also be celebrated, but daily.

and because i have enjoyed being a free agent as it were, and because i had no intention of having more than a passing interest in a man, scoundrel or no... of course the worst has happened.

i have spent much of the last month planning for my burlesque debut (which went well, pictures soon i hope) and in the company of a certain gentleman. it's all very strange i think. the first time i met him, we got on well enough but there was nothing romantic of which to speak. the second time though, something had shifted. perhaps he revealed another aspect of his personality- perhaps i realized i wanted something other than what i had thought. either way, we flirted a bit and then a bit more.

and here it is- a month later- and i have found myself at a point i do not enjoy. since you are private now, blog, i feel i can say this without polish, without thinking, without worry.

i like him, and i do believe he likes me. NOW WHAT?

fuck.

he's currently on "hiatus" from a very time-consuming job, which is great- but what of when he returns to work and suddenly has no time? he's been nothing but honest about this eventuality... and i appreciate that... but what the hell do i do with that information? what do i do when he says, "yes, i'm busy, i don't know that i will have time, but you, you're beautiful, you're wonderful, i want you to stay tonight."

what now?

do i continue to see him? do i break it off? i don't want to struggle for someone's attention. i don't want to be a beck and call girl to anyone. i want to be a priority. i know he wants to spend time with me, but if he has none, what good does that desire do me?

if i went to the supermarket with the intention of buying strawberries and they would give me none, would i care if it were because they had none or if it were because they just didn't want to? either way, i would leave without any.

so the question is this: do i hold out for strawberries even though they might be few and far between? or do i try other fruits, of which i'm sure some might be good, even though they're not really what i want, not at all, not even a little bit?

*EDIT*: strawberries do not demand fruit choice exclusivity... however, i don't really do fruit salad... i don't like to mix foods, especially when one is something i enjoy so fully.

becoming los angeles

2007-06-13T12:17:00.001-07:00

lately something has been changing. for a good while i couldn't put my finger on it, but i knew it was there, pushing in on me from all directions. i could feel it in the air and in the water, in my bed while i slept.

i woke up one morning this week and realized what it is- i'm happy here, alone in los angeles.

of course i'm not actually alone- i have some amazing and diverse friends who have helped me to find this new love. but there it is. things here are wonderful.

when i broke up with exBoy last year, it was the beginning of the upswing- i began spending more time with my lovely ladies and less at home. i went to knitting groups more- i went to festivals and dinners and classes. i learned my way around- i found more crafts and places to dance. when i moved out april 1st, it was as if everything finally fell into place. the first time i went out on a weeknight without anyone to come home to i felt dangerous... and free.

so i've been on some dates (all firsts, no seconds. though there was a 1.5 with the sexican...) and i've gone out with my girls, and i've hosted guests and been to parties and learned that i really like being on my own.

which is why i resent my current state of "crush" so intensely. you see, i don't want to like a boy (or man or guy or whatever.) i want to devote myself to the metric shittonne of rhinestoning necessary to be ready for my two (2!) july performances. i want to have time for sewing and sunday afternoon gelato with friends. and yet... well that's a post for another time. preferably a time after he's taken me out for dinner!

and that dinner better be good, seeing as he's a native angeleno. i want to know all the secret spots so i can better experience my new love- and i do mean the city. for now.*

*kidding.**
**maybe.***
***who knows? stop pressuring me! i'm not ready coach! don't put me in the game!

CRAP

2007-06-07T16:56:00.000-07:00

i had every intention of posting today, but i actually had to work.

that said, i'm going to vegas this weekend for the exotic world competition/expo, and so will have to catch you up on monday or tuesday.

there is much to learn, students... for instance, how many tamales can i eat? will i go on a date ever again? where is the beef?

these answers and more, loves. much more.

the first pancake

2007-06-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

there's a little joke amongst my friends that beginning to date again is like making pancakes; the first one is always wrong, too greasy or uncooked. progressively, they get better... but someone has to be the first pancake.

here is the story of my first pancake.

his name was peter. we emailed for a while through salon's personals, and he seemed nice, and non-threatening, and genetically male*, and perhaps funny. bonus: he once worked for the TOS message boards, which sort of makes me weak in the knees. <3 star trek! <3

anyway, we decided to meet at the farmer's market... and i had an easy out just in case in the form of pinksara, with whom i was supposed to attend a burlesque show later than evening. so i left work and set off for the market in my cute leopard print pedalpushers and pompadour. the way i figure it, i should wear something a little weird right off the bat so they know who they're dealing with. thus the peg pants.

i was ready to rumble.

i arrived at the market and as i got out of my car, i noticed the zipper in my pants was down. so i pulled at it- and completely ripped the entire top of my pants off. HULK SMASH! the waistband and zipper were just... gone. conveniently, i had a long green scarf with me, which i tied jauntily about my waist, and then i wandered sadly into the farmer's market.

i saw him from about 30 feet away.

there was nothing inherently wrong, but i knew it wasn't right. i hadn't been expecting much, which worked to my advantage. i figured, i'll stay an hour then make my escape. i sat down.

he was remarkably skinny. he seemed sort of judgemental of my tattoos- but purely out of ignorance. he was very midwestern, and yet he said "dude" alot. he was antsy, kept drumming his fingers on the table. there was a "ratatatatat" sound as he did so, seemingly louder than fingers should make. i continued the conversation, ignoring it.

the sound continued as well, ignoring me.

i noticed that with each eruption of noise, peter seemed to adjust his weight.

you've got to be kidding me. is he farting? continuously? and without shame? PLEASE GOD TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE AND CLIVE OWEN IS GOING TO COME SWEEP ME UP IN HIS ARMS AND WE'LL TURN INTO BIRDS TO FLY FAR FAR AWAY FROM FIRST PANCAKE PETER.

and then, quite suddenly, in the middle of the conversation, pancake peter exclaimed, "so anyway it was nice to meet you, i'll talk to you later!" and just as quickly as he could, he ran off into the night...

in the direction of the restrooms...

never to be seen nor heard from again.

so i'm pretty sure that as long as my future dates can refrain from shitting their pants (wombat, if you weren't already married, we'd have to work on this one) then the pancake joke will become truth. already it REEKS of truthiness...

or perhaps that is something else altogether?

why we are playing anne frank

2007-05-31T17:06:00.001-07:00

so.

the reason we have gone into hiding is pretty much this: besides the growing concern that my job would find this, the more pressing issue was (and remains) that exBoy simply does not understand that we are broken up. he continues to call, text, IM, email, myspace stalk, and generally harass me regarding what i might or might not be doing. ignoring him eventually gets him to stop temporarily- but more often feeds the fire, where he thinks every non response is a direct "yes." because obviously i am making out with a different boy every damn night and getting hookers and doing blow. i think he may have me confused with someone else.

in order to feel like i could blog freely about anything- not just dating, but anything i was doing- i wanted it to be away from him, untouched by him. i want my life to be ALL MINE.

so that's why we're all up in this attic. keep your voices down when you hear a knock.

in other news, let me share with you the first in what i'm sure will be a highly entertaining for you and painful for me ongoing series of my dating tips for menz.

TIP: if you are trying to convince a girl (and i only say girl because these tips are based on my REAL LIFE EXPERIENCES) to be your girlfriend, that you really like her and all that romantical bullshit, perhaps it would be unwise of you to leave a crumpled up condom wrapper on your floor, even if it is very impressive magnum xl.

seeing this "golden ticket" makes a girl think one of three things:
1. you have had sex recently, and thus are a)not as interested as you appear, b) a horrible lying kid of person, c)a giant one-stop shop for veneral diseases.

2. you have had sex not all that recently, but have also not cleaned all that recently which is disgusting.

3. you sprinkle condom wrappers around your apartment in an effort to appear cool. this is the creepiest of the three options. if this is the case, please delete yourself.

please pass this tip along as you see fit. it can only help.

welcome to my lair

2007-05-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

pants optional!

i'm working on a real explanation of the shh shh secret-ness, but first i must eat a hotdog.

also, i apparently have to explain to my bosses at the ADVERTISING agency at which i work that i was MISquoted in the LA times about "hating commercials."

this would of course happen to me.

going private

2007-05-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

the switch will occur at some point this week. i am out sick today, but i will get right on it just as soon as i'm back in the office.

you can't wait.

i have some real gems for you.

town meeting!

2007-05-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

ok here's the thing: i am thinking of privatizing this here blog so that i can write what i want with out fearing who might read it.

as i understand it, you send me your email and i decide if i want you to read about my life and then if so i send you an invite to my secret blog hideout in the side of the mountain.

thoughts?

*EDIT* if i don't have your email, leave it or email it to me.

i've been tagged

2007-05-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

which is good probably, otherwise i might never have come back. i'm working on it, i swear, but sometimes it's hard to present myself for your approval.

anyway, this meme is about food, and since i am a huge fattie in a less huge body, i really like to think about this sort of stuff. just recently i decided that my ideal vacation would be an official eating tour. the kind where you know, i eat my way through the state, then the country... THEN THE WORLD.

The rules:

1. Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you. Include the city/state and country you’re in.

Nicole (Sydney, Australia)
velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)
Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)
Olivia (London, England)
ML (Utah, USA)
Lotus (Toronto, Canada)
tanabata (Saitama, Japan)
Andi (Dallas [ish], Texas, United States)
Todd (Louisville, Kentucky, United States)
miss kendra (los angeles, california, u.s.a)

2. List out your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location.

3. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged.

here's the part where i sucker out- this was really hard. i don't have five favorites in LA! i don't go out to eat bitches, because that requires having money to burn, and i have serious habits to keep up with. the underage hookers and mountains of blow* are not going to buy themselves.

anyway, the list:

1. the vegan joint is nearby, and while it looks like nothing special from the outside, inside there is some really spectacular thai. AND! because it's vegan, i can order whatever i want and not worry about my allergies, which is pretty cool. not only do they have delicious thai (i want to fill a bathtub with spicy mint noodles and then eat my way out), but also breakfasty foods like vegan pancakes and tofu scrambles, and a surprisingly excellent chocolate cake. i don't even like chocolate cake! bonus: it's just down the street from a cute vintage store that i like. yay!

2. like i said, i don't get out much. thus, limited in my repertoire to choose from... but i went to this place (malo) a while ago, and i recall it being pretty darn good. the ambiance is nice, sort of hip but not too intimidating. the reason i don't recall more is this: the food was nice, but the sangria was much much nicer.

3. now i'm going to cheat a little, and tell you the food i miss most from the east coast: revere beach's kelly's roast beef. but ONLY the one on revere beach, the original location. it has no seating, unless you count the curb or the beach wall across the street, but so worth it. if you can't get over there, i also recommend bill and bob's on the salem to beverly bridge (open late for those four martini evenings), or land n' sea in peabody. when i go home to visit, roast beef is high on my list of things to do. both kelly's and land n' sea also offer some highly desirable fried clams. mmmmmm.

4. another cheat: kowloon is possibly the most fun chinese restaurant ever. please note in the facilities section, the "tiki lagoon." i want to live there, and have all of my meals under the watchful eyes of that stone man. also, there is an entire section of their website devoted to the celebrities that have been there. the service is mostly crap, but the food is pretty good and the drinks are capital S Strong. plus, tiki lagoon!!

5. back to LA: my favorite place to eat. you may or may not know this about me, but i adore burgers and burritos. i would eat them exclusively given the chance. for burgers, many places are quite good- but for burritos? tacos por favor. in santa monica, it looks like nothing from the street and is not extensively decorated inside, but the food is really good and they make their own fresh watermelon juice! sometimes they run a little heavy on the onion, but i will forgive them because they rule me, and i would give them my first born child** in exchange for food if they wanted me to.

for an extra treat, i also like scooby's for chilidogs. pink's is acceptable, but scoob is better. so that's it. now i'm hungry.

i tag, if they are interested, stacy, nick, jiggs casey and slappy (also of jiggsblog fame), and valancy jane.

* yarn/makeup/rhinestones

** but not my cats

photoshop is my bff

2007-05-02T12:21:00.000-07:00

warning: this post is rubbish.

currently i am making mockups of my next 4852093845 tattoos. photoshop is totally the best thing ever.

not photoshopped.

i know i haven't been so bloggy, and i really have no explanation except that i am letting all of my creativity out elsewhere. and not just photoshopping tattoos (which i am quite skillful at, fyi)! i am knitting my first shirt (for me,) working on a VERY important babygift, and trying to make my ankle work properly so i can do burlesque and wear pretty shoes again because as you know, i have serious priorities.

i just bought these pretty shoes. i am about to go to the fabric store so i can sew a dress to match them (again, priorities), which i will wear when i go to las vegas in june. that's right, i'm a-goin to vegas for to see some shimmyshakin in june. where i can i get spf 9million? also, do you think it's inappropriate to bring my cats? they do both look nice in blue.

welcome home contest

2007-04-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

i realize i have yet to make the pasties i owe our most recent winners, but whatever. my home needs a name.

wooooooooooooo! another contest!

something creative, something elegant, something that makes me giggle. and your inspiration? behold: a photo tour of my manor. clicky for biggie, as there are captions.

miss kendra goes to the zoo

2007-04-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

so my friend, the world-famous d'mang, came to LA last weekish to help me move and hangout and generally see what the deal with california is. in the spirit of misskendraluck(tm) of course, it was grey skies and wildfires all week, and since i was still on crutches for most of his stay, he also had to do all sorts of crap like help with my laundry and listen to me moan about my grocery store scooter/cart contraption being toooooo slooooow. amish people get places faster. much faster.

apart from all the tedium of moving etc, we did do some interesting things, like see a fabulous burlesque show and go to my favorite club (behold, drunken backseat artsy photographer me!) and eat about 3492867 burritos, and then on a whim, we went to the (also) world-famous san diego zoo, where i rented yet another scooter, and let me tell you. there is no complaining about the scooter speed at the zoo. that thing could take out a swarm of kindergarteners in .06 seconds. in fact i kept trying, but kindergartners are so wiggly you know.

at the zoo we saw many many things, including a fresh elephant poo and some mildly disturbing birdsecks. also things like meerkats (verdict: cute), madagascar's famous fosa (verdict: cute) and tapirs (verdict: very creepy independently moving nose). there were plenty of people too ignorant and lazy to read the signs, even to their inquisitive children, and so i learned through my magnificent eavesdropping powers that this is a "rare" banana snake and this is a "common" black bear. we also saw lots of people who are apparently blind to the handicapped, as they would stand or walk directly in front of my scooter as if it were not there. this made for some heart-pounding moments in which i had to decide if i should suddenly BRAKEexclamationpoint! or just run down those dumb fuckers like they deserved.

mostly i braked. mostly.

we also saw some pandas.

this panda, like all pandas, sleeps and eats.
that is all. no matter how long you stand there.

and camels

yes, i know camels aren't that special.
but i like them, so shove it.

and a beautiful family of giraffe

this is the adolescent. quite the pinup, no?

and a playful rhinoceros

he's playing tetherball i think. he's not that good.

and one of my favorites, the hiphopapotamus

his name is jabba. he is fat.
he is ok with it.

just look at his blissed out buddha face.

we also saw gorillas (one came right up to the glass and laid down in front of it like he was displaying himself at a wake. he just laid there, in traditional burial pose.)

and the monkeys:

not to be outdone by some gorilla,
the one on the left there presented her swollen genitals
to the other (and to us) just before this photo was taken.
after her rejection (thank god) she shrugged and commenced picking nits.

now this last one is really spectacular. oh yes it is. (channeling monkey?)

you know i am not a fan of birds, but d'mang wanted to check out the aviary- it's one of the largest i hear- and so i and my speedy scooter obliged. i even maybe liked some of what i saw, pausing to take this picture of a fancypants blue-crowned pigeon, as it was rather lovely.

but see this photo did not quite capture what i was hoping for,
which is why i was so suprised when the damn bird turned,
looked at me pointedly and then FLEW DIRECTLY AT MY HEAD.
it was like this... go on, guess who's who.
the bird just did not want its picture taken!
needs rehab! bad crown day!

c/o natalie dee.

the unbearable something of being

2007-04-11T15:58:00.001-07:00

i have not been here because i have not been here. i cannot post because i haven't posted.

nothing seems suitable, i am not interested in anything at all.

for a long time i thought i would be A Writer, but aside from what i have written here in the last two years, i have written nothing at all. i was (am?) quite good- i included it in my Identity- and now that i am without it, i struggle to understand where it has gone.

i am in a phase again. i don't know what it's about, or how i came into it. i feel as if i have so much to do that i will never be done. daily the list grows and i accomplish so little. i am overwhelmed by guilt when i am sitting on my couch. i make lists, as if that will help me to control what there is to do, but there is just so much and no time and no money.

i am tired, and yet i struggle to sleep.

in a month i should be able to walk normally, without the boot. in a month i should be able to have my debut, and yet i think i may have lost my nerve. the other night i was out at a bar and found myself quite sensitive to the stares of others. don't look at me, please. your eyes burn mine.

this is my first week alone in my apartment. i feel pressure to feel something about it. i'm worried that i will spend the entire weekend inside without speaking to anyone.

i need to lose ten pounds. i need to stop worrying about ten pounds.

julius is sick again. nimoy's ear is red. tonight i will begin another course of antibiotics and hope it's enough to keep them out of the vet's office until i get paid.

i want a bicycle. i think that riding the boardwalk might clear me out some, might put me back inside my body instead of my mind.