home at heart

Meaning

2007-01-18T00:37:00.000-06:00

So it's late, and I'm a little bit drunk...

But let me say,
a parent calling to say that you make a difference in his son's life, well...it doesn't get too much better than this.

It's quite late. I'm hosting the monthly wives coffee tomorrow night. Because of said coffee, I'm up late baking various goodies from scratch. What goes best with late-night baking?? Why, wine, of course! Now, in truth, it took me about four times to type the previous line (as well as this one) because I've had more than one glass of said wine. So, please forgive any typographical or other errors.

I finally started my new job...a job that took me a mere three months to get, thank-you-very-much! I work with special needs students at one of the schools here on post. This, in itself, is a long conversation left better for another day when so many glasses of wine have left me better capable of typing without so many hits of the "backspace" bar. Let us just suffice it to say that I am ever-so-satisfied with this line of work. It's funny because so many people would fight tooth and nail to NOT have to serve any time in the special needs classrooms. I, me, myself, HOWEVER, find myself finding great peace and satisfaction and meaning of life and so many other things that I cannot mention this fine evening (again, under the influence of alcohol, here) in the daily routine of NON-routine in my classroom.

Not making sense to you?? Perhaps, this is a good thing. That means you understand routine to mean just that: routine. But to anyone who works in an SEC classroom (and oh-my-goodness, when did we start having to abbreviate EVERYTHING?!?!? I mean, really???), routine IS the unexpected.

Anyway, I inherited a system that was, quite frankly, unacceptable to say the least. I am working to change that. And today, amid the hustle and bustle, I recieved a call from a parent to say that, "You make such a difference in my son's life."

And I just don't know how much better than this it gets.

So tonight, with my husband gone, I stand in my kitchen baking for tomorrow night's wive's coffee, drinking some lovely red wine, and thinking I am exactly where I am supposed to be doing EXACTLY what I was mean to do,

and the only thing I would change,

is being able to drink under the influence without having to hit the backspace key so gosh-darn much.

Life is good.

An Ode to my new friends

2006-11-03T10:36:00.000-06:00

In the middle of the brown desert
so full of cactus and brown, brown stones,
you came into my life and offered
color. Amidst the scent of dust and
the neighbor's dried up dog poo, you brought
pomegranate and jasmine. You brought
sesame oil and shea butter to
quench my parched skin. You replace the sound
of coyote howls with the delicate
tinkle of water cascading past
the rocks of my new copper fountain
while the softness of your one thousand
thread count sheets cradle me in comfort.

The hope your friendship has brought to my
life is inspiring, and to you,
Pier 1 and Bed Bath and Beyond,
my new friends, I offer thanks.

2006-10-30T12:58:00.000-06:00

Almost settled in now. We've got all of our things in their final resting places and a few new ones on order. The past several years, we've been living in cozy but somewhat cramped quarters. Thanks to J's promotion, we are now entitled to a larger home. It's kind of fun decorating the new house. I get to pick out some new furniture and art for the extra walls. And even though it's now practically November, I am even planting flowers in my new yard.

I'm applying for a position with the local school district to work in the special needs classroom. God willing, I will get selected.

I've met a few people here. Most have been nice. J's unit is just about perfect. Maybe not overall, of course, but as a break from the mess that was his unit in Korea, this is a welcome change.

My best friend from Korea is also in California. Not where we are, but she is planning to come visit me next week. I'm quite excited. Plus, we have family members planning visits out here.

Up until last night at 8:30, I was so happy to be living here. Unfortunately, I came face to face with a desert inhabitant last evening that has left me rattled and frankly wishing to be somewhere else. I'm doing my best to get over it. It's not going to be easy.

Home

2006-10-23T13:08:00.000-05:00

Well, this is it. We are moved in. We still have a thing or two to get for the house, but all boxes are unpacked and put away. This is home.

I like it. It's comfortable. And J seems content. I think this is going to be the nicest home we've had yet.

But there is something.

I don't regret for an instant the decision I had to have my surgery. My life is exponentially better than it was before. And truth is, surgery or no surgery, I wasn't having children. But it just feels like we are at a point in our lives when a child might be a welcome addition.

I guess what started it is my niece. We have a long history--too long to detail here. Just suffice it to say that she has a special place in our hearts. And while her home is not a. . .bad one, it's not the best place for her. I spent this summer in Michigan while J attended another school, and Kendall and I became even closer than before. And I want her to come live with us.

See, she is a completely different person when she is with us. Always has been. Mostly because J and I respond differently to her. We don't argue with her. We don't yell. We simply set rules and establish consequences ahead of time. And she doesn't often feel the need to challenge us. Of course, kids are kids. There are times when I could gleefully wring her delightful little neck. But mostly, things are constant--stable. This is what she needs. And it's not what she gets at home.

J and I have talked for years about wishing Kendall could be with us--mostly because we are much better suited to her than her own mother is. I'm not trying to beat J's sister up here, but it's no secret to anyone that she and Kendall are not good together. This summer almost broke my heart. It's an accident waiting to happen. So after J and I got to California and signed for our house, we bit the bullet. . .and told his sister that we would like Kendall to come spend some time out here with us.

It went much better than expected. But now I'm stuck in this political game. I have to watch my step and play these word games with his sister trying to set things up for my niece to come out here with us. We would like her until she's ready for college. But we can't say that. We have to say "for a little while" and play the pacifying game of "no, you're not a bad mom. she's very challenging. maybe this would give her the chance to see just how good she really has things at home." As if we really believe that.

I hate playing the game. It makes me sick. But I also see the bigger picture of this is what has to be done in order to accomplish the goal: providing Kendall the environment that she needs to succeed.

But then,

out of fairness,

I must question myself. Why do I want Kendall so badly? Is it because it's the right thing for HER, or am I trying to steal another woman's child because I can't have my own?

I want to believe in myself and my intentions. I truly believe--as does the rest of the family, because it has become a family discussion--that we can provide Kendall with the home that she so desperately needs. And we aren't trying to adopt her; we are only seeking an open-ended guardianship. We will still be aunt and uncle, and she will still have her mom and dad and have all the communication with them and holiday visits and whatever else--at our expense. So on the one hand, I can say unequivocally that I have the most honorable of intentions.

But I need to be sure. And there's always the "other hand" to consider. And that other hand holds the question of my motives to want to take on this responsibility. And it holds the fact that I will never have a child of my own.

Wow. My hands are full.

(no title)

2006-09-18T10:59:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a time. Moving from one part of Korea to another. Taking vacation to China. Saying goodbye to beloved friends. Moving to Michigan while J goes to school. Losing my dearly loved Cokie and Weezer. Being apart from J. Reintegrating back into the family. Trying to not kill certain members of said family. Getting J back. Moving to California. Now living in a hotel.

I'm not even sure where to start. It's been such a jumble of emotions that past few months. I'm sure that it's all going to hit me here soon. And I'm also sure that when it does I will spend not a few hours crying.

But life is what it is. It leads us to new places and situations. Unfortunately, we have to say goodbye to some people and things that we love. We have to readjust. So I wake up to a new day and a new opportunity, thankful that I have my health and my marriage and holding onto my faith. Although I am not certain what this day may bring, I am certain that it is a gift from God.

picture website

2006-09-16T17:54:00.000-05:00

I will be making a separate website full of pictures for family to view. That way, I can give them that address to view pictures without having to give them this one. There is no link from the California site to this one.

It's not that I'm hiding anything from them. It's just that I need a private place to write and ponder and vent...or whatever else I feel the need to do. And sometimes it will involve one of them. And I want to do so without having to worry about what one of them will say.

So, should anyone care to take a glance, the site for CA pictures is

http://californiahwc.blogspot.com

I will also be updating the Korea site with all the wonderful pictures we took--including those of our visit to China!!

A New Chapter

2006-09-16T15:49:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am in California, now. Just arrived. I've never been to California--and certainly never veen to the desert before. But as I truly believe, home is where the heart is and not just where I place my head at night. And since J and I are together here, this is home for the next few years...or however long the military sees fit to leave us here.

We are living in a hotel right now. We don't have a house yet, and we're not sure how long it will be. But we got a two room suite with a kitchen so I will be able to cook, at least. The manager of the hotel (Quality Inn & Suites) was quite kind to us. He is giving us a remarkable rate to say thank you for J's service. We're hoping we won't have to be here too long, but were told it could be as long as three months.

I have missed writing so much. During our move, I didn't have access to the Internet. It's amazing how a little piece of machinery can really make you feel more connected to the world. More so, I miss having my outlet. This was my little space to write and share and work things out. And I'm so glad to be able to have it back. I'm looking forward to being able to write about all that happened this summer and what all occurs in the days to come.

California is my new home, so Welcome home.

This is why I smile

2006-02-01T19:24:00.000-06:00

This is my own private paradise. And this is my own private angel. (Although, as John Travolta said in the movie Michael, he's not that kind of angel!)

This is J. This is my paradise. And this is why I smile.

Breaking up is hard to do

2006-01-31T23:29:00.000-06:00

At some point, many of us will find ourselves in relationships that just aren't working. We find ourselves giving too much without getting enough in return. We find ourselves having to become someone we no longer like. Or, sadly, we find that the relationship robs us of our ability to enjoy even other people and activities; we become imprisioned in our own private hell.

But breaking up is hard. Just because ONE person wants out of the relationship doesn't necessarily end things. Especially if a relationship has gone on for a while, it may take some time to completely clear out all of one's belongings and to get over all the hurt and pain.

But it's worth it!

THAT'S RIGHT; I told Flu I just can't do it anymore. And we fought, and he cried, and I yelled, and...this hurts to admit, but he hit me. He did. He knocked me down pretty hard. But I bravely looked him straight in the face and said, "goodbye" and threw his stuff out on the street.

And then I threw up.

But I'm getting much better now. Unfortunately, his friends Cold and Phlegm are still stopping by to try to talk me into taking Flu back, but I'm staying strong, and hopefully I will be completely over him soon.

Thanks for everyone's concern. I will survive!!

trudging along

2006-01-25T00:26:00.000-06:00

The flu thinks I'm really cool and wants to hang out with me for a while. Being the person that I am, I have a hard time telling Flu "no." I mean, I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings; he doesn't have many friends. But the truth is, he's really worn out his welcome. I've given up evenings, weekends, sleep, smell, taste...and even breathing for him. But he just keeps wanting more.

I want him to go.

redefining romance

2006-01-24T23:58:00.000-06:00

Oh, the hectic days. Rushing in, rushing out, rushing here and there. Passing each other on the go with a quick kiss and "have a good day--see you later" but not knowing when "later" will be. Seeing each other about five minutes before we are falling asleep in the evening. Let's take a break from it all.

How about four days cozied up in a jacuzzi suite of a hotel? How about four days of having champagne and chocolate covered strawberries delivered to the room...champagne that we will sip in rose petal-covered sheets. How about dinners at the nicest restaurant around and sumptuous breakfast buffets. And how about days spent hiking, skiing, sledding...or just snuggling and soaking in the pool--or our own jacuzzi? Yes. This is what we need.

The plans are set, the arrangements all made, even the packing is done. But, alas, the best laid plans of mice and men....

Instead, we will spend the four days listening to me honk and wretch and moan as the flu and a touch of bronchitis decide to spend some time with us.

I am so upset. This was to be our weekend. Time to do nothing but enjoy each other.

And yet, somehow, we did. Romance is found in champagne and strawberries for sure, but it is also found in the gentle hand of comfort that holds you as fever makes little bunnies and stars dance in front of your eyes. It is found in the eggs and soup and juice brought to you even though you have no appetite and can't taste food, anyway. It's found in the warmth of the one who holds you close during the night instead of smothering you with a pillow to quiet your incessant hacking.

I don't know how, and I certainly don't know why, but J managed to make our weekend something special. Admidst the sneezing and couging and sleeping, and there was a LOT of sleeping, he was there to hold my hand or head and look at me with love. He didn't even get grossed out by the phlegm! (It was pretty gross, by the way.)

Just another lesson of life: if love is in your heart, romance can be found anywhere.

Oh, yeah--and I'm pretty lucky to have him.

meet Christmas

2006-01-04T17:52:00.000-06:00

This is Christmas. Well, Christmas Angel, actually, but we call her Christmas for short.

The northern part of Korea has a kazillion little army camps scattered all over. Most of them are left overs from the Korean War. The camp where J is stationed is one such camp. Anyway, being small, they each have small stores on them, and different camps carry different items. Going camp-to-camp to find what you need is pretty common. Welcome to Korea!

Anway, with it being the Christmas season, I was camp hopping to get all my gifts and baking supplies and whatnot one beautiful Saturday afternoon. I was at a camp about 45 minutes away with a cart full of goodies bigger than I am when

I see this little reddish-orangish-yellowish thing scurrying on the sidewalk in front of me as two he-man looking soldiers go up to it and kick it.

That's right. I said kick.

The second soldier raised his foot to give it a kick, too. They were laughing as the poor little creature dropped to the ground and cowered. Not caring that they each outweighed me by a good hundred pounds and stood about a foot taller than me, I walked up behind them and said, I know you are not about to kick that little dog.

Foot poised about the little thing, the soldier turned to me and said that the dog is a nuisance and a biter. Obviously it's a threat, says I, it's no bigger than the foot you're about to squash it with. Then, looking him right in the eyes, Kick it and see what happens.

Although they could have just as easily squashed me with that same foot, the soldiers wisely decided to live to kick another day and moved on.

Now I take a closer look at the little puddle of hair on the sidewalk. Its beautiful eyes are looking up at me uncertain as to whether I am friend or foe. I crouch down on the sidewalk a couple of feet from it and just start cooing. Slowly, it inches its ways towards me. As other people approach on the sidewalk, it presses its little body into me to hide from anyone else who might try to hurt it.

Let me just say that it was not my intention to keep her. I scooped her up that day and smuggled her on the bus with me because she was nothing but skin and bones. She was literally starving. Not to mention the fact that it's like 5 degrees outside and people were kicking her. I came to the conclusion that little dog would probably die if left there and decided to risk my own death and take her home with me. On Monday, the vet clinic would open, and I would take her there to be nursed back to health and adopted out.

The 45 minute bus ride gave me plenty of time to work up fear over J's certain wrath but also enough time to know that I had done the right thing. I decided not to call and warn him but to just show up with little dog. When I got back to our camp, I called him and asked him to come help me carry home the packages--figuring that a public showdown would be better for mine and little dog's health. J came right over. But instead of being upset about little dog, he smiled. I explained what happened and that I had no intentions of keeping her, but he just smiled and started petting her. And she let him.

We miss Cokie and Weezer so much it's painful. And I have ALWAYS had a pet. Always. Not having one is killing me. But J and I had decided that we would definitely NOT have a dog over here because we already have the two best pooches in the whole wide world in America, and getting another one would be like cheating on them. AND...I hate little dogs. Really. I hate them. And that's all there are in Korea. Yippy, snippy, barky, bitey, annoying little dogs.

But Christmas (so named because I found her while Christmas shopping) is not a little dog. She's a fox. I've decided. And all my decisions are final. And, well, two days later when someone told us that he would like to have her as his family's own little fox, J and I cried.

And then we said no. Christmas is staying here.

How to not grow out of the clothes you just spent all that time getting into

2006-01-03T23:23:00.000-06:00

1. Stop eating crap.
okay. that rule's not going to last very long. oops--breaking it now!

2. Exercise more.
ummm, maybe. I'm busy. and tired. oh, yeah--and a little lazy!

Guess we'll have to do something a little more extreme. That's right. I'm going to throw out every piece of clothing that's too big on me and anything with an elastic waistband. Zippers just don't lie. They either zip, or they don't.

I wear a smaller size than, well, ever, but I just don't see it. I might be a smaller fat than I was before, but fat I still am. And I think it would be PRETTY DARN EASY to find myself slowly creeping back up into bigger and bigger sizes--especially if they are in my closet! So out they go. Now, if I want to leave the house with clothing on my body (and trust me...everyone wants that), I will just have to make sure not to grow out of the ones I have now. It took waaaaaay too much work to get to where I am now. We won't even talk about how much further I need to go...!

Happy 2006

2006-01-01T06:08:00.000-06:00

It's the first day of a new year.

Why do we celebrate this day? I mean, what is the significance of this day? Birthdays and anniversaries are much more significant. I think it's just the whole rolling-over of the calendar thing. Anyway, it's a chance to celebrate, so who am I to scoff at it?!

And how did I celebrate? In the best way possible, I think; we stayed in bed. All day. We're still kind of there. Depends on how you look at it, I guess.

We woke up kind of late. Stayed in bed and cuddled up with an oldie-but-goodie of a movie. Snuggled. Ate home-made cinnamon rolls and tea...in bed. Snuggled some more. Took a nap. Watched another movie. Got hungry so decided to have a carpet picnic. (This is another of my made-up terms. It's where you take all the pillows and blankets and throw them in the middle of the floor then climb in with cheese and crackers and sausage and veggies and fruit and bread...and wine...and don't come out for a long time.) Let's see, then we watched another movie. Oh, yeah...we did decide to go for a walk, but upon returning home, we got back into our jammies and crawled back into bed with another movie and cookies and ice cream.

This is a good way to start the new year. Heck, I think it's a good way to start each WEEK. If I ever rule the world, this will become a law or something: at least one day a week is to be spent snuggling and watching movies and eating. It is hereby decreed!!

As far as resolutions go, I'm torn. Which means that I have some, but I'm not calling them resolutions. I'm just calling them "things to do tomorrow." Thinking about the whole year is a little daunting and one reason why I think that resolutions never make it that far, so I'm just thinking about what I should do tomorrow...you know, 'cause I did pretty much nothing today.

Tomorrow I will:

smile more,
laugh more,
talk less (really, R, I will try!),
be nicer,
walk more,
walk more,
walk more,
oh, yeah--walk more,
and count my blessings when I'm happy and sad,
and try to give away as much kindness as has been shown to me in my life.

I guess that's it. I mean, there's always the eat better kind of thing, but I'm just not as concerned about that this year. I mean, tomorrow.

Anyway, my wish for everyone (including myself) is to wake up each day secure in the knowledge of God's love, the joy of knowing that each day is a precious gift, and the peace of knowing that it wasn't wasted.

Happy New Year!

it's time to get on with life...or at least start

2005-12-30T21:14:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in a while. A long while. Oh, I have plenty of excuses...some of them are even valid.

It's true that I've been busy. Enormously busy. Busier than I would like, actually. It's also true that I've been spending time with my love. He is my motivation for getting out of bed each day. We've had a lot of catching up to do after not only being apart for nine months but starting a new home in a new country.

These are all valid reasons why I haven't written.

They are also just excuses.

Ask me if I'm happy, and I will answer with a hearty yes and a cheerful smile. I will mean it, too. My life is blessed--more so than I deserve. And I am thankful for my blessings, God.

But I have a hole in my heart. And I'm avoiding it. If I don't look at it, you see, I can pretend that it's not there.

I am living this most amazing life right now. I am in a beautiful place with the most beautiful person in the world, my darling J. I am seeing things I would never imagine seeing. I am meeting people and learning things and experiencing culture that could never be gleened from a book. I have people who pay me to speak English to them so that they can hear my "lovely" voice and "poetic" way of speaking and then try to imitate them.

But in this country where family is most important, I am reminded every day that a piece of mine is gone. And now, during the holidays, the time for families to gather and share and relive memories and traditions, I realize that I will never again know the joy of sharing a holiday with my mother.

My childhood was magical. It was what a childhood should be. It was not without its difficulties and problems, but those, too, are what make the childhood experience whole. But through it all, I had a shining star to show me the way. There was a calm presence at the center of everything I did. She was the center. She kept me centered.

My center is gone. And although I grieve her, I have not yet mourned. I'm afraid that if I do, I will let her go. And I don't want to.

I wrote a letter to my mother today
a letter she'll never get
why do words on a piece of paper seem more real
than those merely thought
or spoken?
there's some undeniable permanence in putting ink to paper.
thoughts not written remain secret
but here--
ink flows into paper
forming hopes and dreams
--memories shared--
and there's no going back;
it's real.
and maybe someone will see this, read this,
ask about this,
and a fleeting memory will spring to life in vivid detail,
details that ache to be shared,
until the sharing leaves me with more than I started.

is that why I still write letters to her?
is that why I love to share her memory?
do I hope that my words will make someone else see her,
feel her,
that they will make her real?
why does it matter?

because I'm afraid of losing her
because she's already gone, and I haven't
I can't
I won't
I don't know how
to let go

because I don't know who I'm afraid of losing--
her

or me.

Do I really look that stupid?

2005-10-13T03:38:00.000-05:00

Because every once in a while, I get really annoyed. With human beings. Who think that Army spouses need a road map to find the latrine by themselves. And I need to just say this:

After 15 years of being a military spouse, I either already understand this stuff, or I'm just not interested in learning it. Either way, there's really no need to speak to me as though I just couldn't possibly comprehend what you're saying. Really. I get it.

And by the way, the reason I'm smiling is because I'm imagining your head imploding on itself.

(I'll probably delete this later. I just really hate these meetings.)(Smile and nod.)

A new site

2005-10-12T18:18:00.000-05:00

I am creating a new site to host the pictures we take here in Korea. This is so that this blog doesn't get out of control and so that I can give just the picture site address to friends and family and not have to give them this one. (It's mine, and it's personal, and I'm not explaining or editing myself.) So, for anyone who wishes to see the pictures we take, I have a link on the left to "Our Time in Korea." Many pictures to follow!!

Jeju-do

2005-10-12T17:32:00.000-05:00

Paradise

2005-10-12T17:19:00.000-05:00

What does paradise look like? It looks like this. It looks like being held in the arms of the man you love more than breath. It looks like him snapping picture after picture of you and answering, when you ask why he isn't taking pictures of the beautiful scenery, "I am."

Are we falling in love all over again? Or is it something more? Something even deeper? Something that you can't fall out of? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I just know that for four days, we slept, ate, walked, talked, touched, breathed in all there was to of each other. And only wanted more.

I am so amazed to be with my most beautiful husband, my darling J. And even more amazed that he feels the same to be with me.

This is paradise.

A little bit more...

2005-10-04T03:36:00.000-05:00

Anyone who's been together long enough with his or her "other" will understand this.

I love J. Of course, I do. And he loves me. But even though that love never lessens, the giddiness of it does have a certain ebb and flow...a rhythm, I guess. And perhaps it's because we've been apart for a few months, or perhaps he is just having some epiphany of my greatness (I don't know, and I don't question these things), but we are just so genuinely enjoying each other that it's kind of silly.

I haven't had much time to write the past week. The paperwork demons have been vanquished (YEA!), but there's still always lots to do. J actually had an entire weekend off. No work. None. At all. We had the most incredible lazy morning Saturday before heading out in the afternoon to see what we could see. Sunday saw a fairly early start, but it was well worth rubbing the sleep out of our eyes to catch the festivals and re-enactments ceremonies that we happened upon.

It was an amazing weekend. And J has put in for a pass for this weekend, and we're making plans to visit Jeju Island. That's right...my husband WANTS to go away for the weekend with me. Just me. To a secluded hotel on a fairly secluded and romantic island.

I call this his "shiny-happy" mood. It's when he looks at me as though I light up his day. It's when he remembers to say all the things that we tend to forget to say during the course of the day. And it's when he wants to spend every waking moment with me. I just might start to get a big head from all the attention and compliments he's been paying me lately.

So...I'm off now because he's on his way home for a bite of lunch. Ah. I love life.

More to follow...

2005-09-29T04:44:00.000-05:00

This has been such a busy, busy week. J came home early from the field (yea!!), and after a day to ourselves, it was back to running around like crazy. I did manage to get done what I wanted while he was gone with the rearranging and such.

There's so much paperwork involved in my being over here and in J being able to legally stay off post in our apartment with me. There's a nationwide curfew for U.S. forces over here, so he actually needs a special pass in order to live with me. BUT, before he can get the pass, there are about a kazillion things that need to be done and papers to fill out. And as it always is with the military, it's a game of hurry-up-and-wait. I get up early in the morning and get on post...and sit...and wait. Between sitting in offices all day and going to meetings with the Family Readiness Groups and some volunteering and running errands and trying to make friends and--oh, yeah, trying to see J when he has a few minutes during the day...I've just not gotten around to posting this week.

Luckily, I think the paperwork is about done. I should have my new visa with its SOFA (Status Of Forces Agreement) stamp in it tomorrow. The NEO (Noncombatant Evacuation Operation) packet is taken care of. I have my permanent ration card. I have my gas mask. I'm registered with ACS, Red Cross, and Tricare (health insurance). I'm entered into the new DBIDS system which records the finger print and photo of everyone entering post. What else? I don't know. There's plenty more. But it's almost all done. Yea!!

The only bad thing is that I still have a couple of boxes floating around out in the mail. One of them contains the cables to connect my camera to the computer so that I can download and post all my pictures. I tried to find one over here, but I haven't been able to find one to fit my camera yet. But there will be many pictures to follow.

That's it for now. I should have some time tomorrow to post a bit about...well, stuff.

THANK YOU to everyone who has been looking for me and asked about me. I can't tell you what it means to know that there are people out there thinking about me. I've made some of the most amazing friends through blogging, and I'm just honored as all heck that you guys think of me, too. Love to everyone, and more to follow....

Rebecca, continued

2005-09-21T06:27:00.000-05:00

So, since she hasn't read this yet and called to yell at me, I'm going to continue talking about my sister until she DOES read and DOES call.

Which actually brings me to my first point: Rebecca, I'm still older than you. Quit bossing me around. I can tell everyone (which is like, two people, really) how cool I think you are if I want to. And there's no sense crossing your arms at me or giving me that look. Really. Stop it.

See, she's my YOUNGER sister, thank you very much. As in, I'm OLDER than she is. But just because she's used to telling her kids what to do, she thinks she can tell ME, too. Well, pfffft. Nothing doing. You can punch me in the arm all you want, kiddo. Oh...that's right! You CAN'T punch me from way over here, can you? HA! So nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah to you as I tell everyone all about how I love your goofy self.

Which is point two: Rebecca is goofy. Really goofy. Like, like...green things. She won't eat green things. Green beans, peas, green peppers...etc. No one knows why. But she'll eat mint chocolate chip ice cream which, I'm sorry to break it to you, Rebecca, is GREEN! But try to point this out to her, and she'll cross her arms and stomp her feet because...

Point three: Rebecca is ornery. Obstinate. Stubborn. Call it what you will. (I personally like the term brat.) Like, like...when she was little. She couldn't say the word perfect. Well, let me correct that. She wouldn't say the word perfect. What would she say, you wonder? How about per-feck. And no matter how many times we told her that the word had a T on the end of it, she would just grin that evil little grin and refuse to say it. She'd always say,"that's how I say it." Why does this make me laugh now? Because earlier in the year, her son was saying a word and mispronouncing it. I don't even remember what word it was. But she told him, she ACTUALLY told him that's not the way you say it. I've told you that before. Say it right. And he's all, "that's how I say it, mom." And then she's all well, it's not right, so say it right. At this point, I just turned and looked at her, eyebrows through my hairline, chin on the floor, and HAD to remind her of her little deal with the word perfect. To which, of course, she responds, that's different.

Point four: Rebecca is evil. Like, like...she loves to torture her husband. (Hi, R!) He had this rather unfortunate health thing earlier this year. Nothing really serious, mind you. Just, you know, unfortunate. And my dear sister teased him unmercifully. Still does. And then--oh, yeah, and THEN he had this other thing happen to him. He kind of got stuck in this thing. And Rebecca, of course, HAD to tell me about it. (And I'm sorry, R, it WAS pretty funny!) But anyway, a few days later, we were sitting with my aunt and uncle and grandmother and aunt's sister and cousin...well, you get the idea, and she let R think that she was going to tell this particular story to everyone. And while it's pretty darn funny (sorry, R, it is!), it's not really the kind of story you'd want your wife telling her aunt and uncle and grandmother and aunt's sister and cousin. Ever. But most especially not while you are standing right there. Oh, how she laughed when he jumped up and all but did jumping jacks to keep her from telling that story...which she, of course, had no intentions of telling, anyway. See? Evil.

Point five: Rebecca has the best laugh on the planet. Like, like...hearing her laugh brings such a smile to my face. Even the thought of her laughing makes me happy. And she loves to laugh. She's not stingy at all. She'll even be on the receiving end of a teasing joke and poke fun at herself. She just makes everyone around her smile and love life.

Point six: Rebecca is pretty patient. Like, like...she hasn't killed any of us yet. She's got her kids and her husband and her sisters and her husband's family all pulling and tugging on her and screaming ME ME ME at the top of our lungs at her. And we all want a piece of her. And me? I want a really big piece. And I'm selfish and demanding and intrusive and call her ALL THE TIME to ask her how many breaths of air she's taken since I talked to her last. But she just goes about her business and tries to make it seem like it's easy for her to get dressed 'cause I just drug her out of the shower and cook dinner and help with homework and put the kids to bed and do laundry and K, my husband just said that if I don't get off the phone now, it's going to be a threesome 'cause we've been on the phone for five days all with the phone attached to her ear. And for some reason, she still answers when I call. Well, most of the time!

Point seven: Rebecca loves with her whole heart. Like, like...her family. She just loves us. And she makes sure that we all know it. All the time.

And I just want to go on and on. Because she's all that's good in a person. She'll make you want to laugh and then want to pull your hair out and then give you the biggest bear hug and then look at you from those melted-chocolate eyes and you find yourself agreeing to things that you never thought you would just to know that you made her happy even for an instant. Because seeing a smile on her face is having something be right with the world. And knowing that you're the one who put the smile there...well, that's knowing that you've done something worthwhile. I love her. I love that smile that is my own yet different. I love those eyes that are, really, just ridiculously large and beautiful and are framed by eyelashes that I still vow to take a pair of scissors to. I mean, did you really HAVE to hog all the eyelashes, Rebecca?! Are we supposed to be totally fooled by them and not notice that it's really just the devil gleeming out at us from beneath them?!

To my younger sister, my evil twin of a sister, may all happiness in life be yours. (And may you please not hurt me for writing this.) I love you.

Me in another life

2005-09-20T08:20:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder what or who you would have been if you had made just one decision differently in your life? I don't have to, because I already know. Or at least, I hope I do.

I won't be a mom. And that's okay. But I sometimes wondered what I would have been like if I had. And how would I feel when my children looked at my and grinned those sweet, devilish, from-my-own-womb grins that made me at once wonder what I was thinking having them and how would I ever get along without them? But I don't wonder anymore.

I will probably be asked to remove this post or photo, but until then...

This is Rebecca. And this is who I would have liked to have been if one decision had been made differently. I love you, kiddo.

Missing him and cleaning

2005-09-19T20:32:00.000-05:00

J had to leave this morning for training. He'll only be gone for nine or ten days, which is pretty good. We were just apart for nine months. This is only nine days. Still, I had tears in my eyes this morning as I gave him a kiss, told him that I loved him, and wished him safety. I'm not sad that he's gone. Training is important. But still...the tears.

Anyway, with J gone for the next few days, I will get to finish settling into the house. Or, in other words, I'll get to rearrange things the way I want them without him looking over my shoulder.

I can't complain. Well, I shouldn't, anyway. He did a great job. But the house needs a few tweaks here and there. And doing that with him here is kind of insulting to him--like telling him that he did it wrong. With him being gone, though, I can rearrange out of boredom. Or to accommodate the new bookcase that I bought. Or to make more room for...whatever. It's a game we play. He's well versed at it. Heck, sometimes he plays it better than I do. Like...this weekend. He was looking around at things and remarking about how he wasn't quite sure he should have put this here or that there or arranged the sunroom quite the way he did. He knows that I would never tell him that it was done wrong. No. I'll tell him what a great job he did and how I'm just so happy to be here that I don't care where things are. Then he'll look around a little more and start "wondering" how he could have done things differently...and just "mention" that he's sure I wouldn't have done it this way. And I will of course respond that this just seems like the perfect arrangement. BUT...

(there's always that "but")

BUT...if we ever think about doing THIS in the future, there won't be room for THAT unless SUCHANDSUCH move over THERE. I would hate to do that, of course, seeing as everything fits just so right now...

No, no no, he'll respond. You're right. If THIS were THERE and THAT were HERE, then THE OTHER THING could fit right between them. Sorry, dear. I didn't think that through. I was just in such a hurry to get things in here before you got here....I'll work on moving things around when I get back. Well, not right when I get back, of course, since we'll have to do recovery and AAR's and such, but I'll get around to it...

he says with his head hung low in defeat with a glance at me out of the corner of his eye. See? He knows how to play the game.

So this week, I'll do a little shopping and some rearranging. And I'll get things set just the way I like them. Which won't be exactly the way he would have done it, but that's the point! And then he'll come home and look around and say, oh. I didn't know you were going to do THAT. I was thinking more like THIS and...

to which I'll respond...

I KNOW. I was thinking about that, too, but then I realized that there was just no WAY that I would be able to move THAT by myself. I mean, I TRIED, but I felt that thing in my back kind of pull, so I looked around and decided instead that if I moved THAT over THERE and THIS to the other room, THE NEW THING fits in HERE just perfectly! Don't you think? I mean...DO you think so? If you don't like it, we can always put it back. YOU could have done it better, I know. But you've already done so much. I just wanted to try helping. But you're right. It WOULD be better the other way. I'll move it all back tomorrow and just haul that NEW THING back to the store. I think I can find odishi's little store again...

I'll say with my head hung low in defeat and a glance at him out of the corner of my eye.

And J will come up behind me, wrap his arms around me in a hug, drop a kiss on the top of my head, and tell me what a terrific job I did and that HE would have done it JUST the same way. See? I'm pretty good at the game, too.

Well, I've got about a week to plan, shop, and arrange. Game on!

A whole weekend together (almost)

2005-09-19T04:21:00.000-05:00

J and I spent the weekend together. Mostly. Life is good.

We did this and that and rode the train a few places and went shopping and ate some good food and hung out and walked the town and were silly and just enjoyed each other.

So...yes, he did have to work some Saturday morning. BUT he was home by noon, and we had the rest of the day to ourselves. It was raining. A nice, steady, clean-the-air kind of a rain. We took the train to Seoul and walked around the city. Actually, I think we ate our way through the city. So much food! Walking through the rain, under an umbrella, speaking a different language than everyone else around us--I felt like we were truly the only two people on the planet.

Yesterday we slept in. Really and truly slept in. And it felt good. We didn't leave the house until sometime in the afternoon. We took a taxi to the city center and walked around the market district. J bought me a bicycle. And it's the sweetest bicycle EVER! I feel like a little girl again. It's bright, bright red, and it's got these little flower stickers all over it. (Hee hee.) And it's got a silvery-white basket on the front, a rack on the back...and a BELL! It's got a bell. DLLING DLLLING! That's just what it sounds like. I so love it. It's silly and sweet and absolutely perfect. All I did was grin from ear to ear as soon as I saw it. I hopped on it and rode up and down the sidewalk to try it out while J talked about the price with the shopkeeper. As I played with the bell (dlling dlling). J just started smiling and pulled out the camera to take my picture. The bicycle came home with us.

I will have to finish this later. J just called and says I can come meet him for a movie. Ahhh, I love my life!