Are You There, Blog? It's Me, Stephen

"You'll Shoot Your Eye Out"

2009-12-06T11:41:00.003-06:00

Being a Southerner and part of a family that prefers to say "pistol" instead of "gun," I have found the PERFECT Christmas gift for my Papaw.

("Papaw" is "grandfather" for those of you who don't eat collard greens and wouldn't know to put vinegar on them if you did.)

Unfortunately, my Papaw died in 2003, so once again, I find the perfect gift after the fact. WAY after the fact, in this case. But he seriously would have loved his own "Back Up."

Maybe I should put this on my Wish List.

I'm thinking "The Back Up" would also be ideal for the storage of and easy access to large-scale dildos. Hmmm...

"Another Chance to Disapprove, Another Brilliant Zinger!"

2009-12-04T16:07:00.003-06:00

If I were a book, what book would I be? Well...

Nearly two years ago, "Book Quiz #1" identified me as Vladimir Nabokov's "Lolita."

Today, "Book Quiz #2" identifies me as the Holy Bible.

The juxtaposition would be funny if the descriptions weren't so eerily true.

Combine the two and I sound like an inappropriately sexual Elaine Stritch.

Again, eerily true...

You're The Bible!

by ?

One of the most controversial, misunderstood, and yet powerful people alive, you spark extensive discourse wherever you go. People think you hate a whole lot of things, and you probably do, but people forget about your hatred for shrimp. Mostly, you like to tell stories and then be overwhelmed by how many different ways people interpret the things you tell them. The older you are, the less forgiving you become. While few can argue you're trying to do good, most would say that you've wound up doing a good deal of ill. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Maybe you should just beget while the begetting's good.

Take the Book Quiz II
at the Blue Pyramid.

"Do You Think We're Ready for That Kind of Commitment?"

2009-12-03T14:33:00.004-06:00

Yesterday's vote in the New York Senate was not a step forward for gay and lesbian people, but New York Senator Diane Savino spoke truths yesterday that, I think, could possibly change minds, and help those against gay marriage to understand that this is a human rights issue, plain and simple.

But once again, it comes down the word "marriage." Its simply too ensconced within a religious framework for certain Christians, which is why they constantly object to gay marriage on the grounds that it's "changing the definition of marriage."

If we could receive the exact same rights and privileges with a civil union, would be still be fighting this fight? Probably so. And I think that's a mistake. We're fighting for a word when, I believe, we should be fighting for the same rights. From what I understand, if we simply called it something else, a strong majority of Christians would have no issue with gay people receiving equal protection and privilege under the law. But as it is, "marriage" is holding us back.

Then again, don't listen to me. The marriage I grew up observing crashed and burned not long after I entered into this world. Maybe I think if I call it something else, the result will be different. Who knows.

Here's Senator Savino, a new hero of mine...

"Holy Hole in a Donut!"

2009-12-02T13:12:00.008-06:00

As a boy, I had a huge crush on Burt Ward. His cute hair, boyish face and trim body. Green briefs worn without pants! A yellow, satin cape with a collar!! The ultimate fashion-forward boy crush.

In my 20's, I literally chased a bus down the street so that I could keep looking at the ad featuring Chris O'Donnell in rubber-nippled Boy Wonder-suit.

Now, as I slalom, head first, down life's icy mountain, skidding into my 40's, I have realized that Robin just isn't Robin unless he's wearing a belly shirt.

And a leather studded utility belt.

And a cape the size of a cum towel.

"Holy Hole in a Donut," indeed.

Many, many thanks to Polt for this new addition to My Robin Fetish.

"All We Have is Love Right Now, What We Don't Have is Time"

2009-12-01T11:05:00.000-06:00

Today, World AIDS Day 2009, I remember Lemmie Smith.

If I hadn't met him, I wouldn't be an actor, I wouldn't live in Chicago, I wouldn't be the man I am today.

Lemmie was a great actor, funny, warm & (as Silva Lamé - - "Heigh Ho Silva! Lamé!") the best drag queen in town!

I miss you, Lemmie & I love you.

Take some time today to remember those we've lost to this plague. And follow this link if you would like to make an online donation to Season of Concern in honor of World AIDS Day. Thank you.

"Getting My Carpet Cleaned! Yay!"

2009-12-01T10:56:00.000-06:00

Okay, y'all...

I just...

I had to share this.

Because, when I saw this status message on the Faceplace... Well...

I know that she's sincere in her happiness of getting the carpets in her house cleaned... But...

It made me literally laugh out loud. I mean, if I had written that status message, it would have meant something entirely different!

"Oh, the Humanity! THE HUMANITY!!!"

2009-11-30T22:46:00.005-06:00

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been extremely busy...

Preparing for SOC's Chicago theatre co mmunity holiday party, getting this year's Larry Sloan Awards ready, rehearsing my number in tomorrow's Chicago AIDS Quilt Songbook, arranging my schedule to fit in all the people who want to audition for Bohemian Theatre Ensemble's production of "Hello Again"...

...And just an FYI: If you have the balls - - the elephant-sized, comedy balls - - to audition for the Michael John LaChiusa musical "Hello Again" by singing Neil Diamond's "Hello Again," I will cast you on the spot. I don't care what my fellow co-director says. That would be fucking funny!!!...

...but I had to take minute to inform you and/or warn you about...

Lady Gaga's Christmas Song.

It's called "Christmas Tree," and you can download it right now for free at Amazon.com.

Listen to it and I think you'll agree that... this is one of the 7 signs.

The Rapture is upon us.

Jesus is coming.

Hide your stash and try to look busy.

Thanks to Jody for the heads up on the Gaga song. Or should I even say "Thank you" when my ears are bleeding? Hmmm...

"As God as My Witness, I Thought Turkeys Could Fly"

2009-11-26T10:22:00.002-06:00

Here it is. The only episode of television you will need to watch today.

"WKRP in Cincinnati" and their "Turkeys Away" episode. Less Nessman's report from the shopping mall is a classic.

"Whizzer Going Down!"

2009-11-25T11:37:00.000-06:00

I hope that everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving and a hearty meal shared with loved ones.

See? I told you Thanksgiving was hot.

"Who Threw That Ham at Me?!?"

2009-11-24T22:43:00.002-06:00

Look...

I'm warning you motherfuckers...

Anybody - - and I mean, ANYBODY - - who lobs another ham and hits Paula Deen in the face, I will kick your ass!

I will knock you into next week and meet you on Tuesday with a prescription because you will need drugs to kill the pain!

Don't mess with Paula Deen!

Don't you blaspheme up in here!

"Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy"

2009-11-24T13:00:00.004-06:00

The Onion. Oh, how I love the Onion. They just get it.

The get how ridiculous certain topics are. Like those who are against gay men playing professional sports.

I just wish the gay men playing professional sports in this country would come out of the closet while they're still actually playing the game.

Coming out after the fact is just... I don't know... a little too "sad trombone" for me.

Good for Ship's Captain for coming out while he's still running the race. 'Atta girl!

First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday

"Blind Prostitutes... You Really Have to Hand It to Them"

2009-11-24T12:48:00.001-06:00

I mean every word of this ecard. Seriously.

I can totally flag left with a red hanky.

It's not always on the right side, you know.

Sticking your hand's up a bird's ass, turkey basters...

Thanksgiving is HOT!

"Like the Dew on the Daisy Fresh Plucked Off the Chain..."

2009-11-22T13:55:00.006-06:00

In addition to searching every inch of the internet in my effort to find a replacement charger for my Edsel of a Sprint cell phone, I've been rehearsing for my return ("It's not a comeback, it's a RETURN!") to the AIDS Quilt Songbook this year.

Once again, I'll be singing George Howe's sensational song, "You're So Gay."

My performance of the song last year was hailed in the Chicago Tribune as a "campy delight" - - two words that I have since adopted as my drag name...

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the former Miss Wisteria Lane, Miss Campy Delight!!!"

I loved singing George's song last year, and I can't wait to sing it again on World AIDS Day, December 1st. To quote Elaine Stritch...

"Acting is like taking the train,
and singing is like flying."

Sure, sometimes when Elaine sings it sounds like a frog belching while moving a rake across a chalkboard, but still, it's singing. I think...

"We Can Ride It Together. Uh-Uh!"

2009-11-20T22:14:00.004-06:00

"Islands in the stream,
that is what we are.

No one in-between.
How can we be wrong?

Sail away with me
to another world

And we rely on each other.
Uh-uh

From one lover to another.
Uh-uh"

Just cause...

"What's a Gaywad?"

2009-11-20T11:39:00.001-06:00

I've been on a Nick and Nora kick lately, re-watching all of "The Thin Man" movies over and over.

One moment that sticks in my head from "Shadow of the Thin Man" has Nick taking Nora to a wrestling bout. One of Nick's fans, Meatballs Murphy, a hot dog vendor, gives her a free hot dog as "'a weddin' present!"

They're sitting beside a man named Spider Webb, who weighs 3 pounds if that. Spider just got out of jail and introduces Nick and Nora to his girl, Lana, a woman who looks like she ate Nell Carter for lunch. Lana says to Nick and Nora...

"Any friend of Spider's is a friend of mine."

At this, Nick looks at Nora and says...

"Baby, you've arrived."

That's exactly what I thought about 10 year old Will Phillips when I was watching "The Daily Show" last night. When Jon Stewart is talking about you and you have professional wrestlers coming to your aid, "Will, you've arrived."

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Gaywatch - Peter Vadala & William Phillips

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

"Unhappy, Darling?"

2009-11-19T14:52:00.005-06:00

I saw "The Addams Family" musical last night (more on that later) and one of the themes throughout the show is the balance of happiness and sadness in our lives.

The idea that to understand pleasure, you have to have experienced pain.

(Something my nights at the Hellfire Club being covered in hot wax taught me well.)

Nathan Lane as Gomez sings a song in the second act that sums this up beautifully. A sweet, tender song. And strange as it may sound, it reminded me of one of my favorite Dolly Parton quotes...

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain."

I love her for that quote and for this video. And for many, many other reasons.

Well, apparently the video from CNN doesn't want to embed. Check it out here.

"It's Such a Good Feeling..."

2009-11-19T11:44:00.002-06:00

I just saw this quote over at the Faceplace and I couldn't agree more...

"It makes me feel like hearts are coming out of my head."

- 4 year old on "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood".

"With All Due Respect, Ma'am, You Can Go Jump Off a Bridge."

2009-11-18T15:11:00.001-06:00

Just when you think that America has jumped the shark...

That "We the people" has morphed into "Me, Myself and I" because "Greed is good" and "He who dies with the most toys wins"...

That a majority of citizens can ban together and take away or deny a minority their inalienable rights...

A young man like 10 year old Will Phillips comes along and reminds us of our values, our principles, our core belief in "liberty and justice for all."

If you havn't heard about Will and his refusal to stand and say the Pledge of Allegiance in class until everyone in this country has equal rights - - until gays and lesbians are given the right to marry - - watch the video below. He was interviewed on CNN.

Will is a bold and brilliant person. And his dry and logical way of looking at the world points out just how silly certain arguments are. He makes me laugh.

Maybe we haven't jumped the shark after all...

"Warm Leatherette"

2009-11-17T22:50:00.000-06:00

I'm the first to admit that I've walked around in public dressed in clothes (many of them made of leather) that left very little of me private.

Yeah, that's it.

That mental picture that just flashed through your mind? That's the one. That's the outfit I'm talking about.

I've worn that and many different variations on that theme.

Bizarre, absurd, trashy outfits made of leather, Lycra and liquid latex. Clothes that Bob Mackie would design for Cher to wear to a watersports party at a sci fi, Ren Faire.

I've worn them all, and I've worn them without shame.

But y'all... This guy...

Wearing your Captain America costume just to buy the new Star Trek movie at Walmart?...

That's fucked up.

Unless you're Reb Brown. Then or now. Reb can dress like Captain America any damn time he wants to!!!

Hell, Reb almost made that see-through, plastic Cap shield work. Almost...

"I Am a Pez Dispenser AND I'm in the Abnormal Psychology Textbook!"

2009-11-16T15:40:00.002-06:00

My left eye is still a little bloodshot, I cut the back of my head as I shaved it last night and I have a feeling that my last minute job evaluation didn't go all that well. I need a laugh.

Thank God Jimmy Fallon asked Carrie Fisher to be a guest on his show and to also perform a small piece of "Wishful Drinking" in a separate segment.

Live performances from Broadway plays featured on his television show? Hmmm...

Do you think Jimmy might be gay? No, that can't be true. Jimmy can't be gay.

I'm sure lots of straight guys fantasize about Taylor Lautner being their proctologist.

Ummm, actually... That's not a bad idea. Enjoy...

"And It Burns, Burns, Burns..."

2009-11-15T22:33:00.008-06:00

Since early Friday morning, I've been dealing with / suffering through an eye infection that was so intense at times, the slightest light would burn and cause me to cry like I was Carrie Prejean being inappropriately interviewed by Larry King.

Whenever I ventured outside with my hoodie over my head, I'm pretty sure I looked like this...

Which is just a cape, a staff and a Bedazzler away from THIS...

Actually, I have a novelty "Pope Hat " (thank you, Alanda and Steve). I should have put it on, slipped into a gold lamé, thrift store, 80's prom dress, set my purse on fire and tried to sell the Vatican before someone figured out that I, unlike the Pope, have never been a Nazi.

That would have been fun, but I honestly could barely function. Because as bad as I'm sure that I looked, this is EXACTLY how I felt...

Horrific, isn't it?

Seriously, Kathleen Turner has really let herself go!

What IS that around her neck? A cut-up, deflated bicycle tire? Oy...

Luckily, I'm almost back to my old self.

Whatever the Hell that is...

"Beauty and Pleasure Are All We Can Hope to Understand"

2009-11-11T22:42:00.006-06:00

I just returned home from rehearsing the song I will be singing for this Monday's Homecoming Benefit & Revue for Porchlight Music Theatre.

I'm singing "Venice" from William Finn's "Elegies," and if you live in or near Chicago, I STRONGLY recommend that you come to this event.

Not just to hear or see me (necessarily), but because the caliber of talent Porchlight has brought together for this benefit is outstanding.

I am truly honored to be on stage with these performers. And I am both honored and thrilled to have been asked to perform by Walter Stearns and Eugene Dizon - - two amazing and talented men who have been fantastic friends to me.

This is a group of us ten years ago, some time during the 27 week run of "Falsettos."

I'm the one with the baby face, back row center. Ten years of musical theatre sure can age a person, can't it?

Seriously, if you live nearby, this is the show to see. I am overwhelmed at the roster and thrilled to be a part of it. And of Porchlight's phenomenal 15 years.

"This Beat is Sick"

2009-11-11T10:49:00.002-06:00

Finally, a product to help us make it through Lady Gaga's 15 minutes of fame.

Because, if you're like me, every time you hear even a snippet of one of her songs, you have to race to the bathroom. STAT!

It's what my mother calls "The Green Apple Quick Steps."

With this product, you can show Lady Gaga exactly what you think of her "Poker Face."

I suggest that you keep at least one Lady Gaga song in your iTunes.

For those times when you don't have any coffee or bran muffins in the house.

Now, will someone give Lady Gaga a ride on their "disco stick" (whatever the Hell that is) so this bitch will shut the fuck up and go away?

She just keeps coming back. Like roaches. And Madonna.

"I've Had Two Years to Grow Claws, Mother! Jungle Red!"

2009-11-10T15:27:00.001-06:00

Philip uploaded this amazing picture of him on Facebook a few days ago. In addition to himself, he tagged me in the picture too.

He tagged me because Philip knew that I would LOVE his Wolverine costume. And I do. He looks incredibly hot. The perfect Super Tuesday pic.

And as for those claws, Philip...

From this angle, they look very "Ribbed for HIS Pleasure."

Am I right? And if so, can I borrow them?

Frequently?

"Stupid Callous Homophobic Hateful Legislation"

2009-11-09T21:52:00.006-06:00

My good friend Ruth sent this to me today.

It was fitting that the woman whom I will forever associate with a parody of Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs" entitled, "I Am Deli, I'm a Jew!"...

"I slice salami for the whole west side.
"I got the business from an uncle who died. (Uncle Shlomo)

"I make potato salad, cole slaw too.
"I am deli, I'm a Jew"

...was the first person to send this parody song to me.

I say "first" because I sincerely hope this video goes viral...

...That's what the kids say, right? Viral? And the videos "go" viral. And going viral is a good thing. Apparently...

...Remember when every form of the word "virus" was not just bad, it killed your friends, and yet Ayds was the name of a candy bar that helped you lose weight?!? Oy...

...because I think it's a brilliant parody. Extremely funny because it's so damn TRUE!