Me, Myself, & Vader - Discussions with a Sith Lord

May the Force Be With You

2007-10-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still alive. No, I didn't get kidnapped, flee the planet, or get frozen in carbonite. Life has been insane for the past few months, though, which is part of the reason why I haven't updated the blog. I apologize for slacking off, everyone.

It's been nearly two-and-a-half years since I began "Me, Myself, and Vader - Discussions with a Sith." To be honest, I barely knew what a blog was when I started this thing. I just knew they were a sort of online journal, and I thought people would be more interested in reading about my life if I added a twist. So I threw Darth Vader into the mix. And in the beginning, it wasn't going to progress beyond that, except the occasional cameo.

Then about November of 2005, things began to snowball. First the peace summit, which brought more characters in that ended up staying permanently. Then the war against Palpatine, which brought events from my blog crossing over with events from other people's blogs. The blog became a sort of role play instead of a journal of my life. Which was fun and kept things interesting, of course, and got me reading other people's blogs. But the downside was that it was no longer a journal, but more of an overly long, self-insertion fanfic.

Now, over two years after starting this, I feel like I've finally run out of steam. There are many factors contributing to this -- too much going on in real life, other fanfic projects, events on my blog growing too complicated to handle successfully (the werehorse angle kind of died after a few months, for example), my own interests changing somewhat (thanks for introducing me to Transformers, Rose), and simply running out of ideas.

I apologize to my readers, but the blog is going to be taking a hiatus for an undetermined period. I don't know when I'll return to it, or if the story will remain the same or be altered in an effort to streamline it. If events on anyone else's blog hinge on events in this one, then let me know and I'll see if we can work something out.

If anyone wants to remain in contact with me, my e-mail address is in the Links list to the left of the blog. And if you want to continue reading my work, my Fanfiction.net page is always open, as is my DeviantArt page (where I have a "real-life" journal).

Thank you all for reading. May the Force be with you.

Who Let the Geek Have the Camera?

2007-08-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

As promised, the Fandemonium pics are posted now. Yes, it's about time...

I'm not in most of the pics, as I was the one behind the camera the whole time. Also, I don't have pictures of a lot of the events I participated in -- I'd rather concentrate on having a good time than on the camera.

For full Fandemonium reports, go to the following links:

Day 1
Day 2
Day 3

And here's what I dressed as this year. No, I'm NOT Starscream, I'm Thundercracker. Next time I wear this getup, I'm wearing a freakin' huge nametag too...

And for those of you venturing over here from DeviantArt... if you want to read the rest of the blog, I'd highly suggest starting at the very beginning and leaving your sanity at the front door. Yes, it's THAT weird.

More Convention Pics

2007-08-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

The Fandemonium Arcade Game Room, where I whiled away many a happy hour playing Guitar Hero.
This lady was fun to talk to. She taught a yoga class and sold some beautiful paintings. She also won first prize in the art contest.
The ARC trooper and Master Chief from Halo.
The prize table. It was fun to come by here and just have a look at the weird stuff you could win.
No Face from Miyazaki's "Spirited Away."
The Boise State University Anime Club, where I met Sonic the Hedgehog and tried pocky for the first time. Heck, I had pocky for lunch that first day, since I didn't want to leave the building to eat.
The freebie table. Yes, everything here was free, on the condition that you only took five items. It was empty by Sunday morning.
I don't watch Evil Dead, but you don't say no when a guy with a chainsaw duct-taped to his arm asks you to take his picture.

Don't ask me why this kid's dressed as an ear of corn. Later, he participated in the Cosplay contest in a skit where he was "killed" by a bunch of cat people. Is it me, or does most Cosplay make no sense?
The New Boise Order, a local Star Wars club. That TV was a gathering point for many geeks, as they played video games on it and also showed Star Wars, Galaxy Quest, and old episodes of the Transformers on it.
This guy claims he just came as himself. Nice wings.
A mother-daughter pair who go to anime conventions together. They said they'd just gotten back from Comic-Con, this was their first year at Fandemonium, and they liked the fact that this convention was much smaller and laid-back than Comic-Con.

The Mos Eisley diorama was another gathering point. The guy makes custom action figures and dioramas, and he challeneged everyone to look through Mos Eisley and try to find everything that wasn't Star Wars.
I thought the Stargate was a nice touch.
It's Bumblebee! And Jedi Mickey! And Frenzy if you look really hard...
Our mascot, Cthulu, in various Star Wars costumes, a Stargate costume, and dressed as our Master of Ceremonies Borneo.
This girl got "Hell-OOOO Nurse!" so many times it's a wonder nobody got attacked with that giant needle.

Voice actor Michael Coleman at the freebie table.
Princess Peach and the frying pan of DOOM.
Lock, Shock, and Barrel from "Nightmare Before Christmas." They won second place in the Cosplay contest for their lip-synch to the song "Kidnap the Santy Claus."
Snake from Metal Gear Solid. He won second place in the costume contest. (I couldn't find the first-place winner.)
Knives, swords, and free kittens. Heh. (Bought my mom's birthday present here too.)

Dragons Unlimited. I could have spent my entire budget here and been happy.
Twice Told Tales, a local used bookstore, sold comic books here and were constantly trying to convince me that my $100 convention budget could be stretched to buy more comic books.
Manga...
...and more manga...
...and what I assume are manga accessories. I can hear the Japanese laughing all the way to the bank from here.

I forget the name of this table, but I bought my brother's birthday present here.
Something Wicked, selling gothic costumes and jewelry. That's a BIG bustle on that red dress.
Star Wars stuff! Bought my AT-ST model here.
Magic Dragon Games.
Goofing off at the weapons table.

The Character Depot, where I bought my face paint before the convention. They tried to sell me red contact lenses too, but I passed.
These are made entirely out of paper. They're pretty cool.
A nature spirit and her baby. Oddly enough, there were several little babies at the convention, and they weren't at all fazed by all the weirdos in costume. In fact, a lot of them just laughed.
Cthulu, our mascot. He comes from H.P. Lovecraft's work. Don't worry, our Cthulu's not into world destruction.
Say what you will about Jack Sparrow (and many do), but he was nice enough to wait patiently while I fixed my camera to get a shot of him. I swear that thing EATS batteries...

Fandemonium Pics

2007-08-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

Fun T-shirts for sale!
Yes, I took a picture of the shirt I bought while I was wearing it. I'm a dork.
I'm guessing this ARC trooper got lost during the Clone Wars and has since made his living convention-hopping and signing autographs.
At least he's got company, I guess. Looky, it's my junker in the background! (The red car.)
Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars, who didn't turn around in time for the pic.
The ARC trooper was nice enough to pose with me for a pic.
Me and Frodo.
This Ford was parked across from me when I showed up at the convention. I got a pic, went inside, came out twenty minutes later to get my costume, and it was gone. Hmmm... Rose, someone you know?
I need this bumper sticker.
Matthew McGillan, a local fantasy author, let me have one of his books at a discount for the library, and he was also one of the judges for the short story contest. He told me he really liked my entries.

Scottish Pac Man. No joke. Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort pause in their dueling long enough for a picture.
I could go for a crossover like this.
One of the vendors in the dealer room -- one selling knives and swords, oddly enough -- had a sign saying "Free Kittens on Sunday." They were adorable, but I didn't think they'd get along with our dogs, dragon, and psycho cat. Luckily, they all found homes by the end of the day.
Plus everyone had fun playing with and posing with them. Awwww...

It's said that the ghosts of geeks past haunt the convention center...

The following pics are of the backdrops done for the Kingdom Hearts Cosplay. Someone did a GOOD job on these:

Hermione's not only a brainy girl, she watches Disney in her spare time. I competed against her in a Disney trivia contest and got OWNED.
The Mummy Relay Race.
The only angel who did not fear to tread here...
A very bored-looking Inuyasha.
Fandemonium's mascot, Cthulu, in Jack Sparrow garb.

Robin Hood -- robbing from the rich to give to the convention vendors...
Someone's been playing the Sims too much...
I KNEW they were evil...
Homemade chain mail makes everything better.
I still don't know why Link's carrying a saxophone. Any "Legend of Zelda" players able to clarify?

I want this bumper sticker too.
Closing Ceremonies.
Borneo, Master of Ceremonies and the mad genius behind the convention. He's a very nice guy and takes the time to talk to convention-goers and get their feedback and suggestions. May the Force always be with him.
The convention loot -- prizes, freebies, and stuff I bought. There would have been more, except my costume only had one pocket, which limited swag-collecting abilities, and I set a $100 cap on my spending money so I didn't go broke. The knife is my mom's birthday present (in December) and the Snitch necklace on the far right is my brother's birthday present (the 11th, and he loved it).
I WON! WHOOPIE!!! First place in the Short Story Contest! The prize was a $20 gift certificate for a local bookstore. Yes, the certificate's conveniently covering up my real name...

Back Home

2007-07-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I last posted here, hasn't it? Life has been crazy, though thankfully I think things have calmed down for a little while.

Resistance matters haven't changed much. Babylon Palace is still hovering near the Idaho/Canada border, the few remaining enteched remain enteched, those missing from Mouse's household remain missing. And Galbatorix remains in our custody, though so far he isn't talking. The only new piece of news is directed toward our newest recruit, Darkfire -- if you're still looking for Synapse, he passed over our house two days ago. The Iron Giant's now following him, so at least he's got protection.

I'm back at home now, getting ready for the convention. I will post pictures this time -- finally got a camera! Whether or not any live-ins will accompany me remains to be seen, however. Vader is still miffed about having his butt pinched last year, Jango and Grievous have their own ideas on how to handle glomp-happy fangirls, and thanks to the Transformers movie being released this month (GOOD movie) Delta just might be mobbed if she shows up.

Convention begins this Friday. Wish me luck, I'm going in...

The Palpatine Wannabe

2007-07-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

"SITH!"

A blast of purple light nearly takes off the plating on Delta's right side, and she goes into an out-of-control spin. I grab for her controls to steady her, but before I can stabilize the fighter she smashes into the trees. My stomach and sense of balance both violently protest as she flips several times, finally coming to rest upside-down in a stand of pines.

"Who's bright idea was this?" she demands in a pained tone.

"I'd blame Rose, but it was our choice to take off after her," I moan. "Any chance of you turning right-side-up before I lose my lunch?"

"Ugh. No puking in the cockpit." She transforms halfway, enough to free her arms and right herself, then pops open the canopy. "Get out."

I hop down and let her transform the rest of the way. "Where's Rose and Mel?"

"Sorry, lost 'em when I had to dodge Galvatron's shot," she replies.

"Poodoo." I take off my flight helmet long enough to wipe sweat off my face, then replace it. "We'll search on foot. We have to find them before the nutcases do..."

A scream and a draconine roar rip the air, followed by a terrible sizzle. I look up just in time to see a black dragon -- not Meleficent, but Shruikan -- fold his wings and dive.

"Double poodoo." I break into a run.

Delta and I break into a clearing just in time to see Galbatorix dismount and face Rose with a sneer. She holds Vector's sword and braces herself, prepared to fight to the death if needed. Behind her, Maleficent lays in dragon form, one wing shattered and scales smoking ominously.

"And so it ends," taunts Galbatorix once he sees I've entered the clearing. "We have you right where we want you, foolish girls. The men -- or other creatures -- you love will never see you again."

Maleficent snarls, and Rose's eyes turn to stone. Calling their boyfriends "creatures" must have touched a nerve.

"Hate to tell you, you Palpatine wannabe, but we have you outnumbered," I grin.

"Oh?" He laughs. "It may just be me now, but Nemesis, Galvatron, and their mates are on their way..."

That's when all heck breaks loose. A blue F-15 shrieks overhead, followed by about twenty X-wings and TIE fighters, a gummi ship, and who knows how many other fighters and aircraft I can't identify off the top of my head. Blaster fire and shouts fill the woods, and trees snap and crackle as huge bodies push their way through them.

"You forget something, Galbatorix," I tell him. "You mess with one Resistance member, you mess with the whole kit and caboodle."

Yet another black dragon bursts onto the scene at that moment -- Temeraire! Shruikan screams and launches himself toward him in a desperate attempt to fight him off. Rose, meanwhile, raises her sword and charges Galbatorix, who's forced to draw his own blade in defense.

Delta looks up, optics widening. "Vader's comming me. He wants us to help with the aerial battle."

"Tell him someone needs to pick up Mel!" I reply.

"Megatron and Jetfire are on their way," she tells me.

"All right then, transform!"

She complies, and I hop into her cockpit to kick a little villain butt.

***

Maybe the four of us should have let Galbatorix have his way with us. Because suddenly facing him and his allies doesn't sound half as bad as what Vader has in store for me and Delta, and I don't even want to know what Rose and Mel are going to go through.

Being the cowards that most villians tend to be, Nemesis and company hightailed it for the hills once it became apparent they were outnumbered by the incoming Resistance members. The only one who didn't make an escape was Galbatorix, who's now getting an up-close look at the Autobot brig, the lucky guy. Babylon Palace seems to be settling in a new location, right at the Idaho/Canada border, and there's been no sign of movement since. All the same, we're keeping a close eye on it. It's in a perfect spot to move against headquarters...

But for now the bigger threat seems to be the threat of Vader locking me in my room for the next five years or so.

While Vader continues his ranting about how idiotic it was of me to take off on a half-brained rescue mission and from now on I need to consult with him before doing anything rash (look who's talking, buster), I glance out the window at the airfield that's been set up in the pasture. Ratchet and Hook are looking after Maleficent's wing while Megatron looks on protectively. Prime's driving down the lane in a cloud of dust, off on a drive with Rose to talk things over most likely. Thundercracker and Delta are talking near the barn; what I'd give to know what they're discussing.

Am I sorry I took off and made the entire Resistance come chasing after me? A little, sure. Would I do it over again? Heck yeah. One of us in trouble means all of us in trouble.

Vader's winding up for another rant. Suppose I should at least pretend to be interested in what he's saying...

URGENT

2007-06-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

Luke Skywalker posting.

All available Resistance troops report to Canada as soon as possible. Coordinates will be transmitted shortly.

Kenya, Delta, Rose, and Maleficent are missing and believed to be in great danger. Babylon Palace is still on the move with no sign of stopping. Nemesis, Galvatron, Voldemort, and Galbatorix are still at large, and it's possible one or more of them may have abducted our missing friends, though we have no clear evidence of this yet.

Hurry. We may not have much time...

The Dark Lord Speaks: Canadian Front

2007-06-02T21:35:00.000-07:00

When I next see that girl, I swear I'm going to duct-tape her to a chair and assign a permanent guard on her to make sure she bloody well STAYS PUT when I tell her to!

Ahem. Perhaps blog readers would like some clarification as to what's going on...

We had arrived in Canada and were at the moment observing the path of Babylon Palace. We are still not certain of its exact destination, as it seems to be altering course now that we are in the vicinity. It's almost as if it knows we are watching it...

But I digress. The precise reason for my outburst... let us simply say I am typing this discourse from the cockpit of a jet as I pursue four women who seem to have completely lost their minds. I hope and pray that they survive long enough for us to catch up to them and give them the lecture of their lives...

I was conferring with other leaders of the Resistance when a shout caught my attention. I turned around just in time to see Rose and Maleficent fly away, pursuing a cluster of dark forms that swiftly vanished into the night. Kenya stared after them, mouth agape.

"Kenya, what..." I began.

"They're going after them!" she barked, whirling to face me. "Sith on a stick, they're going after Nemesis and Galvatron!"

"What??" Megatron and Prime exclaimed together.

"That is insane," I told her. "Rose is exactly what they want! She bears the keys to awakening Primus. If they capture her..."

Kenya whirled to Delta. "Transform!" she barks.

The young mech complied, folding herself into starfighter mode. Kenya was in the waiting cockpit before I could so much as blink.

"Kenya, get down from there!" I ordered.

"Not when a friend's in danger," she told me. "Rose and her friends saved my butt from the Emperor. I'm not going to just stand and watch Nemesis take her when I can return the favor."

Delta roared into the night sky, tearing off after Rose and Maleficent.

I'm sure Prime, Megatron, and I made quite the trio, gaping at the night sky as the women we loved pursued a squadron of half-mad mechs into the night.

Megatron broke the silence first. "Is it normal to want to hug and strangle someone at the same time?"

"Yes," Prime and I told him simultaneously.

"Thundercracker!" I barked. "I need a lift!"

"Covered!" the Seeker replied, transforming to jet mode.

Prime took on his truck form, and Megatron climbed in. The semi roared in the direction the girls had taken, and I was certain a few people were in for severe tongue-lashings when they caught up with the girls. Not that they didn't deserve it...

"Drache, alert me if Babylon Palace changes course or otherwise acts strangely," I told the general.

"Yes sir," she replies. "Oh, and sir? Careful. We don't know if this is part of their plot or not."

"Right."

And I hopped into Thundercracker's cockpit and took off after them.

When I get my hands on that girl, I swear...

PRIORITY ALERT

2007-05-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

*smacks comm unit* Is this thing transmitting? *hits it a few more times*

General Drache of Lord Vader's troops reporting from Canada. Babylon Palace is on the move! Repeat! Babylon Palace is on the move, heading southwest at approximately 35 kilometers per hour!

All units please remain on full alert. We have no idea who is currently inside the palace, nor what sort of defenses it maintains. The most we can tell you is that whatever weaponry is aboard the monstrousity must be considerable, for the scout team we sent to observe the castle has vanished without a trace.

May the Force be with us all...

Heading to Canada?

2007-05-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

"That is the creepiest thing I have ever seen."

Such is Darth Vader's reaction when I pry my birthday present from Kevin out of its packaging. Once my brother found out Transformers had somehow joined my list of obsessions, he knew he had to get me one of the Star Wars Transformer toys. Needless to say, I was thrilled to open his present and discover the Darth Vader/TIE Advanced Fighter action figure inside. Vader... is less so.

"It's a plot," he insists. "A plot by Hasbro to wring as much profit from as many of its toy lines as possible."

"Who cares?" I reply, wrestling with one of the fighter's wings. "It's Star Wars and Transformers. I'm happy. How does this go again?"

Vader shakes his head in exasperation, then bends down and plucks the instruction sheet from the pile of packaging and hands it to me.

"Thanks." It takes a few minutes, but I finally get the figure into Vader mode. "What do you think?"

Grievous cocks his head to one side, puzzled. "That's supposed to be Vader?"

"Well, a mech Vader anyhow," I reply.

Jango takes one look at the figure and bursts into uncontrollable laughter. He keeps laughing even as Vader gives him a heated glower and Grievous whacks him upside the helmet with one of my other birthday presents, a slow-cooker cookbook from my mom.

"I fail to see any humor in this," Vader grumbles.

"He can laugh," I tell him. "He doesn't have a Transformer figure. Yet."

"At least it's a reasonable likeness," Megatron puts in from the doorway, where he's been watching the proceedings with some degree of amusement. "The same cannot be said of all my action figures."

"True," I reply.

"They should make a Transformer Kenya figure," quips Delta. "One that goes from Kenya mode to horse mode."

"Har, har." I return the toy to starfighter mode and set it aside. "Any reports from home yet?"

"Your mother will be leaving next Sunday for a special nursing class in Nevada," Vader replies. "She will be gone for two weeks. She requests that you either return home to watch over Brandon, or bring Brandon to Kentucky."

I nod. "I'll talk to Rose and Prime about that. Anything else?"

"There have been no sightings of our enemies... nor has there been any change in the enteched."

Delta wilts a little. "Crookwing's still out then, huh?"

"And Maul, and Jango, and the dragonriders, and the Cheat," I add, sighing. "There's got to be something we can do."

"Perhaps destroying Babylon Palace will release their souls?" theorizes Jango. "From all I've heard, the place is powered by their spirits..."

"Do you want to risk killing them if you're wrong?" demands Megatron.

I stand up. "I'm not going to sit here much longer. I'll go to Canada and talk to Keily and Snape myself. There has to be some way to save the rest of them. It's been too long already."

"If you go, I go with you," Vader insists.

"Me too," Delta adds. "Cyclonus is mine to defeat, slag it."

Jango and Grievous give each other long-suffering looks, then step forward. "Someone has to keep the three of you from hurting yourselves," Jango explains. "We'll go too."

I smile. "Thanks, guys. You don't know how much this means to me."

"Anything for our friends," Grievous insists.

Extended Deadline

2007-05-01T20:32:00.000-07:00

Jango reporting, seeing as it's that time of the month and she's out roaming the neighborhood in horse mode. There's some business that needs to be seen to.

First order of business -- Kenya turns twenty-four today. Thought you all would like to know.

Second order of business -- the deadline for the short story contest was yesterday, but seeing as there were only two entries, we have opted to extend the deadline. For those who are unfamiliar with the rules, we have reposted them below:

This year, to commemorate the release of both the fifth Harry Potter movie and the last Harry Potter book, the object of the contest is to write a short story detailing what happens when a character of your choice receives the following letter:

"Dear [insert name here]

"We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

"Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.

"Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress"

The only limitation (besides keeping the story rating at PG-13 or lower) is that the character receiving the letter CANNOT be an already established Harry Potter character. It can be an original character, a character from another fandom entirely... heck, it can even be yourself. Just no characters from the books or films. Use your imagination.

Judges consist of myself and any of the live-ins that are available at the time. Entries will be judged on creativity and the ability to catch and hold the reader's attention. Mechanical errors won't count against you, but please proofread and spellcheck before sending.

And please, no multiple entries. Bounty hunters are standing by...

Top three entries receive a handcrafted statue of their choice. Examples of my handiwork can be found here and here.

Entries can be sent to my e-mail. The deadline for entries is May 31, 2007.

Have fun and good luck!

Cat's In the Cradle

2007-04-25T13:07:00.000-07:00

NOTE: Those of you who are familiar with Harry Chapin's music will know where this blog post title comes from...

I need a new cell phone. Not only is mine an antiquated thing the size of a brick (green screen, the "Snake" game, and the old Nokia ring tone -- enough said), it's stopped holding a charge for longer than a few hours. I don't want some fancy thing with more gadgets than I can use, but I'd at least like something a little more up-to-date. A camera phone wouldn't be too bad, or something that could hold a Star Wars ringtone...

Okay, I'm getting off track here. But the old cell phone did get things started.

I'm at the computer banging my head over the next chapter of "Walk Like Men" when the Nokia ring tone finally manages to work itself through the full-volume "Halloween" marathon the twins have got going and beep its way into my brain. I grab the phone, have a look at the Caller ID... and groan.

"What is it?" asks Vader, looking over from his own computer.

"It's my dad," I reply. "Do I have to answer?"

"Yes," he replies, turning back to his laptop.

"Since when did you take his side?" I demand.

"I don't like the man," he answers, not looking away from the screen. "But I think you need to maintain a relationship with him. He is still your father."

I sigh. Leave it to the man who's a walking plethora of father issues -- on several fronts -- to tell me I need to talk to my own dad. I hit the "Talk" button and answer.

I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say it wasn't pretty. And my fossil of a cell phone nearly got chucked at a wall after we hung up.

"Maintain a relationship, huh, Darth?" I fire at the ex-Sith.

"At least you're trying," he admits.

"Trying to what?" someone asks.

I turn, expecting one of Rose's live-ins or someone from my crew. Instead, I see a fat, gray creature with a round white head reminiscent of one of the Zoloft-commercial critters, broad feet like an elephant's, and a whiny sort of voice that would put Luke Skywhiner to shame. He holds a notebook in one hand and looks at me with a puzzled expression on his perpetually downcast face.

"Hey Strong Sad," I tell him. "What are you doing here?"

"I was elected -- or should I say drafted? -- to come here and give you a status report on the farm and the still-enteched," he replies, handing me the notebook. The report is neatly written in a strange gothic script, his typical handwriting.

"Thanks," I reply. Strong Sad is a member of the crew from Homestar Runner, Strong Bad's younger brother, and probably the least insane and annoying of the lot despite his penchant for whining and moping (hence his name). Often a target for frequent pummelling and cruel jokes, he makes Eeyore from "Winnie the Pooh" seem as upbeat as Weird Al. Despite this, I kind of like the guy and feel sorry for his status as low man on the totem pole among his crowd, having been there myself years ago.

"What were you trying to do?" he asks, glancing at my cell phone.

"Trying to talk to my dad," I sigh. "He wants to know why we don't talk or meet much, why I don't seem to like him."

"I know you love your father," Vader puts in, turning in his chair.

"Deep down, somewhere, WAAAAAY deep," quips Grievous from his perch on the back of the sofa close by.

Vader ignores him. "Simply because you love someone, however, doesn't mean you like them. And often it is easy to hate those you love, because when they do you wrong, the pain is far deeper than a wrong committed by someone you don't like."

I sigh. "I just... wish Dad would like me for who I am. He seems to resent having a daughter who's a geek, who does things like dress as Darth Vader and write fanfic and get in long-winded debates with people over who dies in the next Harry Potter book. And it seems to me like he really wants to change that and make me a 'proper young lady,' whatever that means. I wish he'd accept me as who I am... obsessions and quirks and all."

Strong Sad reaches up and rubs the back of his head absently. "You know... it sounds like me and my brothers. I mean... they're always doing weird stuff with computers and going around pulling pranks and pummeling people... and I sit in my room and listen to music and write poetry and play board games with myself. And sometimes... you know... I think maybe they'd appreciate me more if I was like them. But I'm Strong Sad. I can't change who I am. And I just wish they'd see that..."

I reach out and pat his arm. "You know you have friends here, Strong Sad. And we don't care if you're different. Heck, compared to some of the people I've met here and elsewhere, you're halfway normal. Elephant feet and all."

Strong Sad's mouth twitches, almost smiling. But then he sighs and turns to Vader. "I've got to be heading back. Any chance I can get a ride from someone?"

"Inquire of Rose and Prime," Vader replies. "I'm certain they can help you out."

"Thanks." He walks off.

"Poor guy," I note.

"He will be fine," Vader assures me. "I'm certain that, for all they torment him, his brothers do care for him and would help him out in a crisis."

"I wonder if my father would help ME out in a crisis," I wonder aloud.

Vader tosses something at me, and I instinctively catch it and have a look.

"Watch it," he orders. "Then answer your own question."

I sigh and pocket the Return of the Jedi DVD. Sometimes I wonder if my whole Vader obsession didn't stem from my own issues with my father. That would explain SOOOOO much...

Music of the Night

2007-04-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

"Kenya, mail call!"

I look up from reading Darth Bane: Path of Destruction to find a stack of envelopes being flung at my head courtesy of Thundercracker, one of the Seekers (Transformers who turn into fighter jets). My clones back home have made it a point to forward my mail to me while I'm at Rose's, as well as clip newspaper articles they believe I need to read and send them as well. I appreciate the gesture, even though I wish they'd handle the bills for me.

"Anything urgent?" Vader asks as I remove the rubber band holding the envelopes together and sift through the envelopes.

"Credit card bill, cell phone bill, Reader's Digest, sci-fi book catalogue, junk mail, junk mail, wedding announcement, junk mail..." I rattle off, tossing each item to the side as I announce it. "Hmm, card from Grandma... more junk mail..." I finish going through it and open the last envelope, which contains a few news clippings.

"Do you know the lucky bride or groom here?" asks Jango, picking up the wedding announcement.

"I couldn't pick them out of a lineup," I reply. "Though I think they go to the single's ward. Or used to -- they won't after they're married. Stands to reason." I skim through the news articles. "Geez, can't Hollywood come up with an original idea?"

"What do you mean?" asks Vader.

I hold up a story that made the front page of our local paper. "Remember how the Boise State football team won its Bowl game back in January?" I ask. "Some big-time producer wants to make a movie about it."

"You're kidding," Vader replies, and he snorts with barely suppressed laughter.

"What's so funny about that?" asks Thundercracker. "There's plenty of football movies."

"It's just sad," I reply. "Is Idaho really that desperate for attention that we talk for months about a stupid football game and go nuts when people give us attention for it?"

"Just be thankful your home state is gaining positive attention," Vader replies. "And for something other than potatoes and Napoleon Dynamite."

"Point taken," I reply. "Thunder, why are you still standing there? Don't you have more mail to deliver?"

"I was just wondering... have you seen Delta?"

"Out on the target range, last I checked," I tell him. "Though she might have come back in."

"Thanks." He walks off.

Vader watches him go, then turns to me. "You suprise me, Kenya."

"How so?"

"I thought I would find you on the karaoke machine again."

"Eh, I've been on it nonstop for the last few nights. Figured I'd give my voice a rest." The Junkions turned Rose's living room into a karaoke bar last weekend, and no one's bothered to take it down yet. Believe me, there are members of this crew I never knew could sing... and some that CAN'T sing but attempted to do so anyway. Thanks a lot, Grievous, I'll never be able to listen to Jefferson Starship's "We Built This City" again without hearing you hack and cough your way through it.

Vader has to be smiling through that mask. "Then you won't mind if I take a turn at it?"

I wave to the front of the room, where someone managed to talk Eragon into trying the machine out. "Knock yourself out."

He waits patiently for Eragon to finish stumbling his way through "Devil Went Down To Georgia." When the young rider finally drops the mike in frustration and goes to sit back down, Vader steps up, take the microphone, and selects a song.

Rose sits down beside me with a grin. "Ooh, I've wanted to hear him sing for so long!"

"It's quite the experience," I reply with a grin.

Everyone quiets down as Vader begins the song, and I have to smile at his choice, as it's one of my favorites:

Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness wakes and stirs imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defenses
Helpless to resist the notes I write
For I compose the music of the night

Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Hearing is believing, music is deceiving
Hard as lightning, soft as candlelight
Dare you trust the music of the night

Close your eyes, for your eyes will only tell the truth
And the truth isn't what you want to see
In the dark it is easy to pretend
That the truth is what it ought to be

Softly, deftly, music shall caress you
Hear it, feel it, secretly posses you
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the music of the night

Close your eyes, start a journey through a strange, new world
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
Close your eyes and let music set you FREE
Only then can you belong to me

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night

You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night

I applaud, as do many others within earshot. Vader gives a stately bow before handing the microphone off to Jango for a turn.

"Beautiful job," I tell him.

"Thank you," he replies. "I knew you wanted to hear that song."

"And you did it justice."

Thundercracker and Delta walk in at that moment, Delta holding something huge and furry in her arms. I blink, trying to process the image of a Transformer holding a large purple stuffed rabbit.

"What the..." I get out.

"Oh, TC picked this up at the after-Easter sales," she replies, holding the rabbit up for me to see. "Isn't it great?"

"It reminded me of Cyclonus when I saw it," Thundercracker adds. "Figured she would like it as a punching bag or voodoo doll or something like that."

"It was sweet of you," she tells him, and they walk off talking.

I raise an eyebrow at Vader. "You don't think..."

"Who knows? And if so, who are we to begrudge them?"

"Again point taken," I reply. "Though I wonder how Megatron and Starscream are going to react."

The Giant, the Witch, and the Easter Bunny

2007-04-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

It was shaping up to be a long week. There'd been no word from Snape or Keily on the state of affairs at Babylon Palace, no reports from home on the state of those still enteched, and no sighting of Nemesis or Delta. Both Prime and Vader had sent out multiple search parties, and I'd joined a few of these myself, but all had come up empty. It was as if the mechs had vanished off the face of the planet. I'd very nearly given up hope that we'd find our friend intact, thinking that she'd either been destroyed or that Nemesis and Galvatron would find a way to bring her over to their side.

Last night I was proven wrong on both counts.

Vader, Prime, Megatron, and General Drache were discussing where to send the latest search party when the door suddenly burst open. I'd never seen so many eyes and optics nearly pop out of people's heads like that -- standing in the doorway, worse for the wear but alive and standing, was a masked green-and-gold Transformer. Every inch of her plating was covered in scratches and dents, something was leaking from her leg, and what looked like claw marks had been carved into her chest, but despite that her optics shone brightly.

"Delta!" Vader exclaimed. "What happened to you?"

"They've got a new ally," she said weakly. "We've got a new ally. And I kicked Mr. Bunny-Ears' butt." And with that she collapsed in a heap.

***

When Ratchet finally allowed us into the medbay to talk to Delta, we learned the full story:

The dark semi truck that had pulled up in front of our house had indeed been Nemesis. Whether he was goading us into a pursuit or trying to spy on us is still unclear, but he obviously wasn't looking for a confrontation, as he fled at the first sign of troops. Delta, wanting a little revenge for her friend's entechment, pursued him, not confident that she could defeat him but at least hoping to knock a few dents in him.

After following Nemesis for the better part of two days, she found herself in a system of caves deep under New Mexico, where the dark Prime and his allies had set up temporary headquarters. There she confronted him... and nearly paid for her bravado with her life when Galvatron laid into her.

Ironically, it was Nemesis' newly-acquired ally that saved her life, stepping in before Megatron's deranged clone could deal the final blow.

"Don't you think she's worth much more to us alive?" she pointed out with a sinister laugh. "We could use more space-worthy soldiers..."

"She's been corrupted by Vader and Optimus," Nemesis pointed out. "It would be more trouble than she's worth to try to turn her to our side..."

Before he could finish that thought, the entire cavern shook... and all heck broke loose as the ceiling caved in. The Resistance's newest ally had shown up.

Some time ago Zacharias' friends among the Asgard had detected unusual activity in Iceland. Now the source of that activity -- the Iron Giant, an alien robot who had spent the last fifty years or so piecing himself back together after a nasty encounter with the US Army -- had arrived on the scene and was doing a rather good job of laying waste to Nemesis' headquarters.

When Delta finally clawed her way out of the rubble, it was to find herself eye-to-eye with Galvatron's minion, Cyclonus... and none too happy about it, either.

"Think you can escape us, little femme?" he sneered.

"Bug off, Bunny-Ears!" she retorted, and pounced on him. The two of them grappled viciously while Nemesis, Galvatron, and the clones of Elita-1 and Steelia tried to fend off the Iron Giant.

In the end, Nemesis, his cronies, and their new ally escaped, no doubt to lick their wounds and rebuild headquarters somewhere else. They did take Cyclonus with them, but not before Delta had given him a nice collection of dents to limp home with. Delta, meanwhile, decided to make her way back to Kentucky to deliver the news to Prime, taking the Giant with her.

"So who's this new ally of theirs?" asked Prime once Delta had completed her story. "You failed to mention her name."

Delta tried to recall. "They said her name once... I think it was... Ephalba."

"Ephalba?" I repeated. "The Wicked Witch of the West?"

Grievous gave a snort. "What, they feel they have to have a green sorceress with a black fashion statement on their side too? No offense meant, Miss," he said quickly when Meleficent gave him a dark look.

"On the plus side, we've got more firepower on our side," I pointed out, looking out the window to the air field where the dragons were quite curiously regarding the Iron Giant, who looked back at the creatures with equal curiosity.

"True," Vader replied. Then he chuckled a little. "Bunny-Ears, Delta?"

"What, doesn't Cyclonus look like a freakin' Easter Bunny?" she retorted. "C'mon, he's lavender and has bunny ears..."

"Speaking of Easter, I need to remind my clone to buy eggs," I remembered. "Brandon's still going to expect an Easter egg hunt this year."

"Despite the war, life goes on," Vader noted. "As it should."

"Well said," Prime replied.

Crazy Fanfic Writer, Crazy Femme, Crazy, Crazy, Crazy...

2007-03-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

Normally when I put song lyrics in a blog post, I put them at the end of the entry. Today, however, they're going at the beginning, just because they seem to sum up how I've been feeling lately.

I remember when
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care, yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

Thanks, Gnarls Barkley, for saying it for me.

Indeed, life has become crazy. I'm helping to fight a war against who-knows-how-many supervillians, dating a former Dark Lord, and allowing the oddest collection of weirdos this side of Animal House to live on my property. I have a mini-dragon as a pet, a bustling medical center in the barn, a medical condition that caused me to turn into a horse once a month, and friends all over the planet who had similar issues on their respective properties. This war had turned my entire life upside down and topsy-turvy.

And I don't give a rip. Because when you realize you've gone crazy, you find an odd sense of serenity in that knowledge.

These were my thoughts earlier this evening as I sat on Rose's couch, watching Stranger Than Fiction with Vader, Rose, and a handful of Transformers who had nothing better to do. I'm getting better at recognizing these guys by sight, though I'm still getting the "coneheads" -- Thrust, Dirge, and Ramjet -- mixed up on a regular basis. For some reason Megatron finds this hilarious.

I'd seen this movie before (and really liked it despite not being a Will Ferril fan), but for some reason tonight I couldn't sit through it. Maybe because of the theme it dealt with -- what a person does when they're faced with the knowledge that their death is imminent. Or maybe I'd just had enough of people for the day. At any rate, I got up from the couch.

"I'm going to take a walk," I announced.

"Take a bodyguard," ordered Vader.

"Prime, all right if I steal Jazz?"

"Not a problem," he assured me, and the black-and-white mech got up from the floor and followed me outside.

Outside I walked out past the landing field, past the sleeping dragons of Will's company and the azure hulk of Saphira. Finding a spot of clear ground, I lay down and folded my arms behind my head, gazing up into the sky.

"Somethin' eatin' at ya, Kenya?" asked Jazz, laying down beside me in a similar pose.

I sighed. "I just feel that there's something more I can be doing," I told him. "That I SHOULD be doing. It doesn't feel right that I'm sitting around vegging here while elsewhere Voldemort and Galbatorix and Nemesis and who-knows-what-else is out gathering power or forces or whatever it is they need."

"Girl, there ain't a lot you or anyone else can do at this point," Jazz informed me. "Until we get more info on what's goin' on at Babylon Palace, there ain't a lot any of us can do. 'Cept sit tight and help each other out as much as we can."

I sigh again. "I know that's all we can do at this point. Doesn't mean I have to like it..."

Something rustles close by, and both of us sit up in a flash, guns drawn. Call us paranoid, I guess, but better paranoid than ambushed...

General Grievous stepped into view, arms raised. "Put them down already!"

"Don't sneak up on a mech like that," Jazz advised, lowering his gun.

"What's up?" I asked. "Any improvement on the home front?"

"No, and that's why I'm here," Grievous replied. "The comm line's down; we weren't able to raise you on the horn."

"The line's down?"

"That's what I said. Seems someone took out the communication relays." He gave me a serious look. "And Delta's gone."

I blinked. "What?"

"Delta's gone!" he repeated angrily. "How many times do I have to say it? This afternoon a black and gray semi truck stopped on the road in front of your house and just stayed there awhile. We sent troops out to check it out, but it took off before they could reach it. Delta went nuts and chased after it, and she hasn't come back."

"Oh no," I moaned. "She didn't try going off after Nemesis by herself, please don't tell me that!"

"It looks like that's the case," Grievous informed me. "Drache sent a party of troops to track them, but they haven't been able to pinpoint their exact locations yet."

I buried my face in my hands. As if things couldn't get any crazier...

"Come inside," Jazz invited Grievous. "You'd better report to Prime on this."

All I can say is Delta had better come home in one piece. Or else Nemesis is going to be hurting hard by the time my live-in crew and I are done with him.

Remembrance

2007-03-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

Our shuttle, the Amalthea, lands in the landing field just outside Rose's house in Kentucky. I put down the Jedi Trial book I've been trying to read (I think I read the same paragraph five times and still didn't absorb a word of it) and get up to leave with the rest of the passengers. Vader took off for Rose's house to help Prime and Company out in the aftermath of the battle, and now that I've mostly recovered from my concussion I've decided to join him.

Besides, we have something aboard the shuttle that just might interest people here.

I get off first, giving Vader a hug before turning to greet everyone else. "Hey there Rose, Prime, Mel... Agent Smith." I say the last with a grin.

Megatron scowls. "Not you too!"

"I gotta have my fun where I can find it," I retort. For those of you who don't get the joke, they've just announced that Hugo Weaving -- a.k.a. Agent Smith from Matrix, a.k.a. Elrond from Lord of the Rings, a.k.a. V from V For Vendetta -- will be providing Megatron's voice in the new Transformers movie this summer. I haven't seen any of the above films and so have no idea what Mr. Weaving sounds like, but that doesn't keep me from teasing the real deal.

"Did you come by yourself?" asks Vader.

"Nah, a few people insisted on coming with me," I reply, waving behind me.

Rose and Prime are probably expecting this, since I messaged her blog before leaving. But everyone else's jaws drop as Starscream and Rampage disembark, alive and well -- and looking quite glad to be home. They're followed by the other Transformers that had come to our place to watch over them -- Jetfire, First Aid, Sunstorm, Depthcharge, and Spiral.

"They're back!" exclaims Skywarp, and the Seekers promptly mob their leader. Rampage doesn't get quite as big of a welcome back, but everyone's apparently relieved that he's unharmed as well.

"Then the enteched have been revived?" asks Vader.

"Keily was able to rescue several of them," I reply. "Those two, and all of Luke's Padawans. But she and the Nobodies were attacked while in Babylon Palace, and they had to leave before they could get everyone else. That leaves Maul, Qui-gon, Crookwing, the dragonriders, and The Cheat still out."

He says a few colorful things I know he wouldn't try repeating at our house. "Blast Palpatine, blast Voldemort, blast Nemesis and Galvatron, blast Galbatorix..."

"Don't forget the French Air Corps," I reply, nodding at Will and Temeraire.

He seems to run out of steam there, though, and places his hands on my shoulders. "What about you? Are you all right?"

I start to say yes, but he holds a hand up to silence me. "And don't lie to me. We both know it doesn't work."

I sigh. "I had to pick a telepathic boyfriend. Okay, so I'm not perfectly fine. Parts of what happened at Babylon Palace are starting to come back to me."

He's silent a moment. "What parts?" he asks.

"The landing. The banquet. Seeing Dumbledore's body get cut down. Grievous dragging me away from a fire." I close my eyes, wishing I could block out the next scene.

"You remember something else," he presses. "Tell me."

I really don't want to. Because it involves him... and it hurts to remember. Not because he did anything to hurt me or anyone else I care about, but because I know he had to do something heartbreaking in order to save a life...

..."Padme, stop!" Vader barks, standing over Strong Bad's prone form like a wolf guarding its young. "Don't do this!"

The young Senator continues to advance, heedless of the smoking burns on her arms and torso, her once-beautiful features ugly with cruelty. She raises her blaster as if to finish Strong Bad off, changes her mind, and instead points it at Vader's chest.

"I don't want to hurt you," he tells her desperately. "But I will do what it takes to defend myself..."

She fires. He blocks the shot. I leave off shooting at a Death Eater and turn to help...

I'm hit from behind by a heavy blow, and I fall to my knees. I look up to see a grinning black dragon and his maniacally-laughing rider, the latter pointing a hand glowing with scarlet fire at me. I roll to avoid Galbatorix's shot, then get to my feet and point my blaster again.

Meleficent flies over at that moment, and Galbatorix leaves me to engage her in combat. I turn to help Vader again...

It's too late. She has already lunged, and with a scream of anguish he draws his weapon back for the final blow...

"I saw you cut Padme down," I say quietly.

He's silent. I want to kick myself for bringing it up. He doesn't deserve to be reminded of this... to feel that he has killed the woman he loved... even if he did it to save another...

"I did what I had to do," he replies, voice low and heavy with regret. "If I had not acted, she would have killed him. But I will never forgive myself for once again destroying her."

I sigh and embrace him, not knowing what else to do.

"It would explain why Strong Bad's been so out of sorts lately," I finally say. I never thought that the guy was capable of remorse or guilt, but then, the last few weeks have been full of surprises.

"Perhaps," Vader says at last, "I need to have a talk with him. Did he accompany you?"

"No, he's back at the barn. Wants to be there when The Cheat wakes up, he says."

"Then I will speak with him when we return." He turns to the house. "Shall we?"

I follow him and everyone else inside. Maybe being around these guys awhile will help me deal with the returning memories. After all, they faced horrific things in Babylon Palace as well. And if we can share our burdens with each other, perhaps they won't weigh so heavily upon us.

Amnesia, Ghostly Visits, and Heart Shards

2007-03-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

"Kenya, wake up."

I moan and open my eyes to see Vader at my side. "We there yet?"

"There and long gone," says Jango from the foot of my bed. "We arrived at Babylon Palace two days ago."

I frown. "Two days ago? Why can't I freakin' remember it, then? And where are we now?"

"Back home," Vader replies. "There was a battle... a bad one. You were knocked out fairly early on and have been unconscious ever since."

Why is it that whenever we have a Resistance battle, I always get conked somehow? "Everyone okay?"

"Physically, yes," Vader replies. "Otherwise..." He sinks into a chair at my bedside. "We are all very... shaken, I suppose. Terrible things happened..."

"Where's the laptop?" I ask. "If people are gonna keep being vague, I'll find out for myself."

Grievous brings the computer over, and I turn it on and set to checking blogs. It doesn't take me long to read about Babylon Palace, the battle in the arena, and Kyxiel's little Skywalker-worthy act during said battle. I have a suspicion who the white knight mentioned in Snape's last post is, and I'm relieved to know that Palpatine is gone, even if Voldemort is once again at large...

"They revived the dead?" I ask finally. "Soulless dead? They decided to go 'Army of Darkness' on us?"

Jango nods. "Padme was there... or her body was. As was Shmi. And my own parents and Mandalorian comrades..." He shudders.

I swallow apprehensively. "Anyone... from my family?"

"No... but faces you would have known," Grievous replies. "Dumbledore and several deceased Jedi, among others."

"They would have," I mutter. "Voldemort would have wanted to profane the Only One He Ever Feared somehow. And Palpatine just couldn't stop using people after death, could he?"

Vader seems to finally gain a little control of himself, and he stands. "I am headed to Kentucky shortly. Prime needs my support."

"Soon as I'm on my feet, I'll follow you," I tell him.

He nods and leaves.

"Anything else?" I ask, closing down the laptop.

"Yeah, Strong Bad's been in a funk since we got back," Jango replies. "He was completely gung-ho and ready to take on Palpatine single-handedly when we got there... but sometime during the course of the battle something broke his spirit. He's barely spoken, barely even left the barn... something's wrong, and we're not sure what. And that bothers me."

It bothers me too. I mean, if Strong Bad is depressed, something's REALLY wrong. That guy's either belligerent, angry, or ecstatic -- never depressed. I'll have to think about this.

Jango takes the laptop from me. "We'll go check on him."

"You do that."

They leave, and I stare at the ceiling as I ponder. Snape left a lot out of the last post he wrote. I wonder what else went on... and just how terrible Palpatine's demise was that Snape was glad Vader, who's probably seen it all, wasn't present...

"Kenya."

I sit up. "Who's there?"

A ghostly form steps out of the corner, offering me a smile. I recognize the white beard, the splendid cloak, and the stance and step of nobility, and I smile in return.

"I was wondering when you'd put in a ghostly appearance, Dooku."

"Circumstances have forced me to do so." He sighs and shakes his head. "I thought I had seen Sidious go as low as it was possible to go. I see now I was wrong."

"Nothing's too low for him. You know that."

"I only learned that when it was too late -- when Anakin had two lightsabers at my throat and Sidious was giving him the order to kill me. Thank the Force Anakin learned that lesson sooner than most."

I lean back in bed. "Why are you here now? The fight's over -- at least, I think it is. I don't remember it at all."

"There is still work to be done." He goes to my nightstand and extends a hand as if to set something there. "And this will help complete it."

He withdraws his hand, leaving a shard of glowing crystal. As I gaze at it, I feel the worry and stress begin to melt away, as if they were shadows chased off by a cleansing light. I realize what this must be... and that it seems appropriate that Dooku is the one to reveal it. After all, Keily had admired him and carried his lightsaber.

"The heart shard," I breathe. "Keily's Hope was in your grave."

Dooku nods.

"What do I do with it?"

"Ensure that it reaches Snape. He will know what to do with it."

"We'll get right on it."

He nods and vanishes.

I pick up the shard and carefully close it up in a small teak jewelry box. Then I punch a code into my comm, summoning Artoo.

"Take this out to Delta," I tell him. "Tell her to fly it to Montreal pronto."

He bleeps and takes the box, then scoots out.

I roll over and try to catch a little more sleep. The Force help me if the memory of the visit to Babylon Palace hits all at once. I don't have time in my schedule for a fit of hysteria.

Message From Palpatine

2007-03-10T22:45:00.000-08:00

NOTE: To fully understand our latest developments, see the latest post on Keily's blog.

Also, a note of reminder -- the story contest is still open for entries.

I fold the letter I received from the owl a few hours ago and toss it aside, leaning against the wooden barn wall with a sigh. Even without the text of the letter before my eyes, though, I can't get the words out of my head. Curse word-perfect memory anyway...

Kenya,

You are cordially invited to attend a celebration marking the completion of my most humble of residences as well as my rebirth into this world. I am sure your schedule leaves you (as well as the rest of the Terran Resistance) with precious little free time, but I do hope that you are somehow able to attend, as a number of unique festivities have already been arranged. A courtesy shuttle has been provided for your convenience. It will arrive at 1 pm on the 20th of March at the destination of your choosing.

Sincerely,

Emperor Dantius Palpatine of Babylon Palace

The same letters received by Snape, Vader, Yoda, Luke, Prime, Rose, Megatron, and others... all bearing the same text. Letters arrogantly rubbing his victory in our faces... and possibly setting up an enormous trap.

"Kenya," Vader tells me, coming to stand before me, "we HAVE to go. If only to know what his next move is..."

"And paint a huge bulls-eye on our butts while we're at it?" I ask. "Vader, it's a trap. The Emperor's not exactly a guy you can trust, remember? This could all be a big set-up."

"I am aware of that."

"That plus everything else that's happened -- the kidnappings and entechments, Voldemort showing up, the bodies being stolen, the search for the heart shards..."

"This is the only way, Kenya. We may never have an opportunity like this again."

I sigh. "I still don't like it."

"Neither do I. But we have no choice."

I nod. "I guess we send a note back saying where he can send the shuttle. Preferably not here, I don't want to put my family in danger."

"He can always meet us at your father's house," Vader suggests wryly.

"Tempting, but no. Besides, he may try recruiting my father, and we don't want that."

He extends a hand and helps me up. Then he heads for the house to contact the other Resistance leaders while I go make the rounds among the new arrivals to make sure they feel welcome.

Heart shards... I have never heard of such a thing. Not being familiar with Kingdom Hearts, I'd never known that a heart could even be destroyed in such a manner. To think that pieces of someone's heart could be inside members of the Resistance... maybe Vader's carrying one and doesn't realize it...

Things are out of our control, and I don't like it one bit.

Let us all pray that whatever comes of this meeting, we can work it to our advantage.

Tom Marvolo Riddle... I Am Lord Voldemort

2007-03-09T14:14:00.000-08:00

Until last night I hadn't had the displeasure of meeting Lord Voldemort face to face. I'd met other famous villians and so-called Dark Lords before. Palpatine, of course -- even been briefly possessed by his soul. Vader, Maul, and Dooku before they renounced the dark side and joined the Resistance. Grievous and both Fetts too, though I'm not sure if they count seeing as they claimed to be neutral before the war started. Galbatorix, briefly, and Unicron and Nemesis Prime from a distance. Not to mention various Vong, lycanthropes, Imperial soldiers, and what have you.

But not Voldemort... not until last night.

It started with a dog run. I'd taken the new pups, Chi-Chi and Mona (don't look at me, I didn't name them), outside to do their business and made a stop in the barn to check on our friends. No changes, First Aid and Too Onebee reported, for better or for worse. I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or frustrated at that news.

"At least we know they are protected," Vader told me. "I thank Snape for that revelation." (For those who don't know -- Snape reported on Keily's blog that Keily's spirit has been watching over those who are enteched, which is a blessing considering we'd first thought there was something darker afoot...)

"Yes, but can they be restored?" asked Luke from where he sat next to one of the Tusken Padawans. "You've read that book, Kenya -- can entechment be reversed?"

"I don't know," I confessed. "The book didn't go into that. But Garrett Skywalker thinks it's possible to use the Force to reverse it."

Luke sighed. "I hope he's right."

I gave the farmboy a hug, then turned to go. On the way out I passed Starscream... and had to grin. Somehow, a tiger had found its way onto his body and was curled up on his cockpit, purring.

"Found a comfy spot, Hobbes?"

He opened one eye. "Cat therapy has actually been found to be beneficial to hospital patients. Don't knock it." He closed his eye and drowsed off again.

I left the barn and headed back for the house, passing more of our newly-arrived Resistance allies on the way. Over the past week more and more beings have stepped forward and offered their assistance, and I could only marvel at how quickly people can rally when they face a common foe. Calvin and Hobbes crash-landed in their cardboard-box time machine in the front yard the night before and had since been staying in Brandon's room. Colonel Hogan and his men were camped out in the pasture -- don't ask me how the inmates of a German WWII POW camp ended up in present-day Idaho, I'm not even sure myself. The Heralds of Valdemar went through a riding drill on their white, horse-like Companions. I knew they would all fight with us to the end; I only hoped their aid would help us turn the tide of this war.

I had just reached the door of the house when both pups started barking up a storm, bracing their legs as if about to take off running. I picked them up to keep them from bolting and turned to see what had gotten them riled up.

It's just Snape, I thought at first, relaxing. Then it hit me -- aw crap, I forgot, Voldemort switched bodies with Snape...

"Crucio!"

I hit the deck, dogs and all, and heard the spell hit the door with a horrific sizzle. I scrambled for my comm unit, hoping to raise an alarm...

"Do you really think backup will come in time to save you?" Voldemort sneered. "I can kill you in a heartbeat, I hope you realize..."

"Then why haven't you?" I demanded.

"Because I have other plans," he retorted. "No, I don't want you to die immediately. I want you and all allied with you to die knowing full well how hopeless your gallantly foolish little venture is. Do you honestly think a party of half-trained Force-users, a pack of mechanical freaks, and an army of peace-loving dragonriders is a match for me? And here His Highness was telling me to watch out, you and your friends were too clever..."

I smirked a little. Rule number one for any villian -- he can't kill anyone or perpetuate any foul deed without a long, rambling monologue that gives the protagonist time to escape and/or thwart him. I hit the "panic" button on my comm, yanked my blaster, and fired.

Voldemort staggered, clutching his leg and slapping at the flames on his robes. I scooped up the dogs and ran into the house, slamming the door.

"Mom, I'm going out to help fight a psycho Dark Lord, be back in a minute, don't go outside!" I shouted, handing her the pups and turning to go back out.

"All right, good luck, have fun," she replied. I swear, not much fazes that woman.

By the time I got out there, though, Voldemort was gone -- Apparated, probably. All the same, Drache and her troops were doing a thorough search of the property and doubling the guards at all points.

"You seem to be a magnet for trouble," Vader noted.

"Speak for yourself."

"Why do you suppose he came here? Just to deliver a threat?"

"I have no idea. I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

"We've done nothing BUT wait all this time. I almost feel as if this war is all in the waiting."

"Maybe it's just the calm before the storm."

"Then we had best be prepared for it when it finally hits."

Everyone stay on guard. If Voldemort's showing up in person now, a full attack can't be too far behind.

The Answer Lies... in a Star Wars Novel?

2007-03-02T21:36:00.000-08:00

As I walk from the house to the barn tonight I feel grateful for one blessing in this Force-forsaken mess we've gotten ourselves into -- that the barn is now heated. After a freakishly warm January and most of February, our corner of Idaho was hit with snow, rain, and freezing temperatures that rendered the roads a slick mess and made any amount of time outside at night pretty miserable. And with two new pups that need to be taken outside every hour on the hour to keep our carpets from being ruined any more than they already are, I've had more than my fill of the cold right now.

Luna and Luke sit on either side of Valdin Thrawn, one of Luke's top students. I give them a nod and head for the corner where one of our Transformer visitors, the medic First Aid, is busy checking on a dragonrider.

"Any changes?"

"Not that I can see," he replies.

"Are we any closer to finding out what happened to them?"

"I'm afraid not. I've done blood tests on the biologicals and energon tests on the mechs and found traces of some sort of magnetizing solution, but no other abnormalities."

I frown. Something about magnetizing solution in the bloodstream is ringing a foreboding bell, but I can't place it right now. I'll have to think on this.

I sigh and sit down at Qui-gon's bedside, wishing the Jedi would somehow regain consciousness and tell us what happened to him.

"Full moon tomorrow," notes Vader, glancing out the window. "I hope you are prepared."

I sigh. "Don't feel much like roaming the neighborhood. Not with all this stuff happening."

"Understandable."

Someone grumbles in a corner of the barn, and I look up to see Strong Bad digging through a box of old books. "There's nothing good in here," he huffs. "Not even any comic books or Stephen King..."

"I don't read a lot of comics, and Stephen King turns my stomach," I reply. "If you want one of those, tell me and I'll get some from work for you. Besides, those books are all either water-damaged or missing pages. We'll get around to throwing them away one of these days."

"What kind of freakin' weirdo doesn't like King?" he replies, throwing a book over his shoulder as he keeps digging.

Jango picks up the book Strong Bad chucked. "Why are you throwing away a Star Wars novel?"

"Because it's missing the last three chapters," I reply. "My sister got it from a thrift store for me without bothering to check if it was intact... hold it, what's the title on that?"

He checks. "Truce at Bakura. Why?"

I grab the book out of his hands and flip through it, seeking a particular page. Once I find it, I grab First Aid's hand and slap the open book into it.

"There!" I exclaim. "That's what's happened to them! They've been enteched!"

I have everyone's attention now, from Vader and Luke to the Transformers to even Strong Bad. Everyone, even those wearing masks, is giving me the same expression -- one that says loud and clear "Say what?"

"Read the passage I showed you, 'Aid," I tell the medic.

"Uh, okay..." The young mech skims through the pages I'd indicated. Halfway through the reading he seems to choke, and by the time he's through he looks ready to blow a few circuits.

"Can someone let us in on all this?" asks Luke, not happy with being left in the dark, so to speak.

"Entechment was used by a race of aliens called the Ssi-ruuk to create powerful battle droids and otherwise power their machinery and technology. Basically they would pump a human or other sentient body full of a magnetizing solution to alter their brainwaves enough that they were in tune with the entech equipment... then they would suck out the victim's life force and use it in a droid, force field, or other weapon or machinery."

"You think Voldemort has enteched our friends?" asks Vader.

"Not Moldy-Shorts," I reply. "He hates technology, remember. My bet is Palpatine's back from the dead in whatever incarnation... and he's amassing an army."

"Makes sense it does," Yoda says. "Some of our most powerful allies the victims were."

"And entechment also sucks away someone's sense of free will. So he'd have not only a powerful army, he'd have a powerful army obedient to his every command." I scowl. "One thing doesn't make sense, though."

"What's that?" asks Luna.

"Entechment usually kills the physical body of the victim," I reply. "These people shouldn't be alive if they've been enteched."

"So you give us the whole friggin' spiel on this entechment crap and it might not even be what happened to them," Strong Bad grumbles. "I freakin' hate this place..."

"No, it makes sense," First Aid replies, glaring at Strong Bad. "The elevated magnetic levels, not to mention needlemarks I've found on the victims... I'd say it's some form of entechment. Just not a complete form of it."

"Either that or someone or something is watching over our friends," Vader points out. "Someone extending protection, keeping them alive until we can rescue their souls."

I certainly hope we can save their souls. But we're in for a rough battle on that front. Because if Palpatine's around issuing orders, it means he's found a way out of Hell and gotten the mechanical body he needs to resurrect himself. The Ssi-ruuk are in league with Voldemort now, and if Palpatine is truly back the Quintessons are too. And we're short many of our best fighters at the time we need them the most.

It's only a matter of time now. The storm is brewing. The Resistance gears up for another battle, hopefully the last we have to face for a long time.

Lost and Found... but Still Lost

2007-02-20T22:06:00.000-08:00

I thought matters would improve if we were able to find our missing comrades. But it turns out there are things far worse than not knowing where someone is.

Namely, knowing exactly where that person's body is, but not having the slightest clue where their mind is, if it's even still in existence.

Despite being quite worried for those that went missing, life had to go on. Work, the farm, Half-Price Chocolate Day celebration, watching a movie with Darth for Valentine's, a trip to Provo to pick up the latest additions to the Starflight clan (two puppies, almost too cute to be legal, who will have their pics posted on the blog as soon as they're downloaded)...

Then this evening, after a hectic day at work, I came home to discover chaos descended while I was gone.

Vader met me at the door and escorted me to the barn, which used to be used just for storage but has now been refurbished to serve as a medical center and control room. I expected to maybe see a few wounded soldiers from a skirmish... but not what lay before me here.

"You found them!" I exclaimed, recognizing Maul on one of the berths.

Vader nodded. "We found them," he replied soberly. "Or at least... we found their bodies."

"What do you mean?"

"They were found lying unconscious in the field two days ago," he told me, sweeping an arm to indicate everyone in the medical center. "All efforts to awaken them have failed. They are alive, but we have yet to determine whether they are undamaged by whatever they suffered."

Heart in my throat, I walk between the beds, gazing upon the victims. Trisha kneels beside Maul's bed, holding his hand and weeping. Luke keeps solemn watch over his students' prone forms, and Yoda keeps vigil beside Qui-Gon. A dozen dragonriders lie comatose, each with the senseless hulk of a dragon beside his or her bed. Delta watches Crookwing for any sign of life, and Strong Bad sits beside The Cheat and tries not to look concerned but fails miserably. Starscream and Rampage lie motionless near the back -- I'm sure Vader has already contacted Prime about them. There are others, but none I recognize right away...

"What happened?"

"We're still not certain," Vader replies. "Professor McGonagall stopped by with Madame Pomfrey yesterday, and they are fairly certain it was not a dementor attack. We still suspect Voldemort's hand in this, however."

I turn and lean against his chest, just wanting this to be over. No more war, no more Voldemort, no more innocents being hurt on the whims of sadistic madmen...

"They will be all right," Vader vows, embracing me. "I sense it. They will awaken."

"Yes, but what shape'll they be in?" I ask. "Are they brainwashed? Or damaged somehow? Will they recognize us and see us as allies still?"

He doesn't have an answer for that.

Voldemort, wherever you are, I just have one thing to tell you -- back off. Stop hurting innocent people just because you can. It's not a mark of courage to torment those less powerful than yourself -- it's a mark of cowardice. Do you not have the courage to face the Resistance leaders face to face, but must bolster your ego by preying on their supporters?

I may be a Muggle, Lord Voldemort, but I'm not afraid of you. And as much as I'd like the war to be over now, I'm prepared to keep fighting it if it means ridding the galaxy of you and your allies.

Missing Persons

2007-02-08T20:42:00.000-08:00

NOTE REGARDING CONTEST: Prizes have been decided for the contest winners. The writers of the top three stories will receive handmade statues similar to the ones I made for Fandemonium last year. The winners can choose the creature/person depicted and color (if applicable), and it will be shipped to them free of charge.

In other news...

We've returned to the house. Whoever destroyed the Phoenix never returned, and there have been no further attacks, so we're trying to restore some normalcy to our lives. (BTW, thanks, Zacharias, for letting us stay aboard Atlantis for a few days. It was a beautiful place.)

Ever get the feeling that you're sitting on a time bomb and have no idea when it'll go off, only that it will be soon? That's how I feel. And recent events aren't helping matters.

To put it bluntly, Jango finally returned from his Murtagh hunt (grumbling the whole way, I'm sure -- apparently, She-Nexu, he's upset that he didn't get to claim Za'roc as a trophy). Unfortunately, Qui-gon has yet to return. Vader senses that he's still alive, and Eragon has been able to scry him a few times, but other than that we have no idea where he is or what he's up to.

That in itself wouldn't be extraordinarily frightening -- Qui-gon's infamous for having a renegade spirit and is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. What worries me is that his is only the first in a spate of disappearances.

A few days after Qui-gon turned up missing, Luke commed to inform us that several of his students, including Admiral Thrawn's son and the Tusken twins, have gone missing. Again, though the Force-users among us can sense them, there's no trace of them otherwise. And a few days after THAT, a messenger arrived from Pern with the grave news that an entire wing of dragons and their riders vanished during a flight drill. Then just yesterday, the Homestar Runner crew called from the neighbor's house -- Strong Bad couldn't find his sidekick, The Cheat.

Today on my break, the final blow came.

I retreated to the back room for lunch to see the reference clerk, Shirley*, sitting at the table with Trisha, doing her best to comfort her. With a horrible sick feeling in my gut, I realized what must have happened.

"Maul's missing?"

Trisha nodded, wiping her streaming eyes. "He went... went with Crookwing to... investigate some weird activity in town..."

I sit down heavily. "Maul AND Crook are gone?"

She nods. "They just... vanished off the radar. They're alive... we know that... but..."

I go over and embrace Trisha. Poor girl. It's a wonder she's not hysterical or something. If it were Vader missing like this, I know I wouldn't be in this decent of shape...

Vader enters at that moment, looking more solemn than I'd seen him in a long time. I look up at him and sigh.

"What are we going to do now?" I ask.

"The only thing we can do," Vader replies. "We are sending out search parties and telling our forces everywhere to be on full alert. I am certain Voldemort is behind these disappearances, though the Force knows what his purpose is for abducting these people."

May the Force watch over Qui-gon, Valdin, Star-Chaser, Dragon-Horn, Maul, Crookwing, the missing dragonriders, and even The Cheat. I pray they are safe and will remain so until we can find and rescue them.

Everyone keep on guard. We don't know who Voldemort's targeting next. If you need any help securing your property and/or troops, let us know. We're always happy to help.

Second Annual Starflight Short Story Contest

2007-02-02T19:55:00.000-08:00

I know this may seem an inappropriate time to hold a contest, what with gearing up for another war and all, but I figure we could all use the break. Since last year's contest seemed to be a success, let's try this again, but with a different sort of story challenge.

This year, to commemorate the release of both the fifth Harry Potter movie and the last Harry Potter book, the object of the contest is to write a short story detailing what happens when a character of your choice receives the following letter:

Dear [insert name here]

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress

The only limitation (besides keeping the story rating at PG-13 or lower) is that the character receiving the letter CANNOT be an already established Harry Potter character. It can be an original character, a character from another fandom entirely... heck, it can even be yourself. Just no characters from the books or films. Use your imagination.

Judges consist of myself and any of the live-ins that are available at the time. Entries will be judged on creativity and the ability to catch and hold the reader's attention. Mechanical errors won't count against you, but please proofread and spellcheck before sending.

And please, no multiple entries. Bounty hunters are standing by...

Prizes will be announced in a later e-mail.

Entries can be sent to my e-mail. The deadline for entries is April 30, 2007.

Have fun and good luck!

Sunday Morning Blues

2007-01-28T18:21:00.000-08:00

I did not want to go to church this morning. I wake up this morning staring at the Episode I Anakin's Shadow poster on my bedroom ceiling, wondering if I can get away with playing sick for a day. I just don't feel like sitting on a hard pew in a cold church building for three hours straight listening to stuff I've already heard five times before. (The building's heated, they just never seem to crank the thermostat high enough for my tastes.)

But finally my nagging conscience -- and a certain nagging ex-Sith Lord -- get me to quit dragging my feet and get myself in my Sunday best. I've already missed several Sundays in a row, and if I keep it up people are going to think I've given up Mormonism and become a Jedi or something.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a strong faith in God. I just don't have a lot in common with other people in my congregation. I think there's only one other person that qualifies as a geek in the ward. It also doesn't help that I attend the singles' ward and there's a heavy emphasis on "either get married or go on a mission." Since I don't think I'd survive a two-year proselyting mission and don't have any wedding plans in the making, you can guess how much I love that pressure.

I survive church services, thankfully, and manage to make it past the bishop before he can get on my case about my non-member boyfriend (I'm going to kill whoever gave Bishop Tyler the address to my blog...). I'm on my way out the door when someone grabs my shoulder.

"Yes, Bishop?" I ask, turning.

It's not the bishop -- it's Drache. She's wearing her helmet, thankfully, so no one's thrown for a loop seeing two Kenyas in the hallway. No one pays us much attention -- they're pretty much used to weird people following me to church by now.

"You're coming home with me," she orders. "Don't worry about your vehicle, we'll pick it up later."

I don't ask anything but just follow her and her troops out. I'm not too concerned at first as we load up in an armored speeder and pull out of the high school parking lot (church parking lot always overflows on Sunday). I'm not even too concerned when I'm handed a blaster and told to strap it to my waist. It's when the pilot of the craft starts heading in the opposite direction of home that I start to worry.

"Drache, what's going on?" I demand.

"There's been an attack on your property," she replies, loading a power cell into her rifle.

I feel my stomach do a loop-the-loop. "Are Mom and Brandon all right?"

"They're fine," she assures me. "But we're moving everyone to a secure location until further notice."

"Vader? Maul? Jango? Qui-gon? The mechs? The animals?"

"Yes, he wasn't home at the time, he's still Murtagh-hunting with She-Nexu, I don't know, yes, and yes."

"What do you mean 'I don't know?'"

"I mean that Qui-gon took off sometime last night and hasn't come back. No word on where he's going either."

"Oh, this is just peachy," I grumble. "Is the house still standing, or is that too much to hope?"

"The house and barn are undamaged. They went for the Phoenix. It's completely destroyed."

"Why would they attack a grounded passenger ship?" I ask. "It's not like having it destroyed will keep us grounded on Earth, Vader can get another..."

"Vader suspects that Voldemort was striking at Crookwing and Delta. He guesses that his information regarding the mechs was incomplete, and he attacked the Phoenix thinking it was one of them in its alternate mode."

"Either that, or he's just trying to warn us off of defying him," I add.

Drache nods. "That's possible." She motions for the pilot to make a turn. "On the plus side, Homestar Runner and his company were on the premises at the time of the attack, and they were able to drive him away before he could do further damage."

I don't know whether to be glad that the weirdos were useful or annoyed that Delta was right and they came in handy. I settle for a weary sigh and slump into my seat. "First Palpster, then Unicron, then Moldy-shorts... seems my friends and I are destined to attract every creepizoid in the known universe."

Drache almost never laughs, but she cocks her head at an amused angle at that remark. "At least you can't claim your life is boring."

"I'm starting to wonder if boring wouldn't be better."

"Be careful what you wish for, Kenya."

"Shut up, Drache."

New Recruits and Encroaching Insanity

2007-01-23T13:38:00.000-08:00

Lesson learned -- if you have ANY kind of live-ins at your residence, be they Jedi, Sith, bounty hunters, wizards, ninja, dragons, elves, fey, and/or giant robots, do NOT leave them home alone while you're out of town. Parcel them off to friends' homes for a visit or find a babysitter. Even if they remain on good behavior, weird things tend to happen...

We got home from Portland Sunday night completely beat, Mom and I fighting headaches, Brandon very nearly asleep, Kevin wired from chugging who-knows-how-much Dr. Pepper on the way home, and Vader going insane from having Weird Al's "Weasel-Stomping Day" stuck in his helmet thanks to endless replays of my copy of "Straight Outta Lynnwood." Our time in Portland was pleasant enough, even if we did almost give Grandma a heart attack -- maybe it's not such a smart idea to give a 70-year-old woman a surprise birthday party. But after eight hours in the car together, we barely had the energy to throw our bags onto the couch to sort out later, stagger to our bedrooms, and collapse. So an inspection of the house was delayed, something I would regret in the morning.

Monday morning I woke up, kicked the cat and dragon out of bed, woke up Brandon and got him started getting ready for school, and went outside to feed the goats... just in time to see two Lamborghinis scream down the lane and off into the pre-dawn gloom. I made a mental note to talk to Crookwing and Delta about my "call before you invite anyone over" rule as I fed the goats and put the garbage out at the end of the lane for pickup.

Luna Lovegood met me out on the porch. I gave her a friendly wave and asked "So what'd I miss?"

"Luke, Yoda, and that Super boy have evacuated the Jedi Temple," she replied in her usual dreamy tone, seemingly unconcerned. "Better safe than sorry, Luke says. He asked me to stay here with you until this latest battle is over."

"Fine by me," I replied. "Has Jango reported back?"

"He and She-Nexu say they've tracked Murtagh and Thorn down to the Discworld," she replied. "No word on how close they are to capturing him."

"I don't think a capture is what She-Nexu had in mind," I told her. "And after what the Sith-spawned cretin did to her mate, I don't blame her in the least."

She nods. "Oh, and the twins came over. Nice boys. They had a movie night here."

"I notice they at least cleaned up after the party..." I said as I opened the door into the house.

Vader and Brandon were standing in the living room, staring at the computer as if frozen to the spot. I followed their gaze... and felt myself gape.

Now I don't know how many of you are familiar with the Homestar Runner website. If you're curious, there's a link here on the blog -- just look to the left of this post. Founded by the Chapman Brothers, who animate and voice every character (except the lone female character, they drag in one of their girlfriends for that) and make a living off of Homestar Runner merchandise, the website is home to some of the most bizarre characters you will ever lay eyes on and is loaded with weird gags, sarcastic humor, and '80s and '90s nostalgia.

My brother introduced me to the site soon after he came home from his mission, and I have to admit I enjoy the quirky escapades that take place there. But believe me, these characters are NOT the sort of thing you want running around your house.

As I've come to find out.

Sitting at the computer was a short, enormous-headed, green-eyed, vaguely humanoid creature in black pants, red boots, boxing gloves, and a red-and-black Mexican-wrestler-style mask, tapping away at the computer keyboard and muttering to himself in an unplaceable accent. I recognized him almost at once -- Strong Bad is one of the more popular characters on the website. Yes, he's funny and one of my favorites. No, I didn't want him in the house. He's obnoxious, rude, and always plotting outrageous pranks that constantly backfire.

I watched him for a moment, then turned to Crookwing and Delta, both of whom had enormous cat-who-ate-the-canary grins on their faces (or at least Crook did -- I can only assume Delta did too, as she's masked...).

"What do you think?" asked Crookwing.

"I think I'm about to pull a page out of Rose's fanfics," I replied.

"Come again?" asked Delta.

"I'm about to take a screwdriver to the two of you and ship the pieces back to Prime," I clarified.

"Come on, they wanted to help us!" protested Crook.

"They're actually decent fighters if you give them half a chance," Delta added.

"What's this 'they' stuff?" I demanded. "You didn't invite the whole lunatic crew over, did you?" Strong Bad is more than enough by himself -- if one were to add The Cheat, Bubs, Coach Z, and Homestar Runner himself to the mix...

"They're actually living down the road, with the Paulsen's*," Crook told me. "Their Internet's down, so Strong Bad wanted to come check his e-mail here. I figured that would be okay."

Vader had yet to speak by this point. I think the sight of a character he'd previously only known as a Flash cartoon jolted something loose in his brain. Luna gave him a critical look, then looked at me and mouthed "Electroplexy." I just shook my head.

"You," Strong Bad growled, jabbing a gloved fist at me. "You're Kenya Starflight? Are you the one who sent me this weird e-mail?"

"Guilty," I replied. Yes, I was insane enough to send the guy an e-mail, back when I first got interested in these guys...

"Well, forget about me answering it," he snapped, and kept tapping away.

Vader finally managed to scrape together his wits enough to ask a halfway coherent question: "How do you type with boxing gloves on?"

Strong Bad stopped typing and swiveled the chair to give Vader his best disdainful glower. "What the crap kind of question is that? Do you know how many freakin' times I've been asked that freakin' question? 'How do you type with boxing gloves, Strong Bad?' Do I ask you how the crap you go to the bathroom in that freakin' suit? Now leave me alone!"

He turned back to the comp, hands poised over the keyboard, then turned back to Vader. "Out of simple curiousity, how DO you go to the bathroom in that suit?"

My guess is that Strong Bad escaped a nasty throttling only by virtue of Vader being too stunned to act. After a few more moments of silence, he turned to me.

"You deal with this," he ordered, then turned to go.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"To bang my head against a wall until my fit of insanity passes," he replied.

"Thanks for nothing," I groaned.

Delta laughed. "The more help we have, the better, right?"

"If your goal is to drive the enemy insane to the point of impotence, I think these are the recruits for the job," I told her. "Once he's done with his e-mail, kick him out. I'm going to get Drache to beef up our perimeter guards and provide her with descriptions of these guys with orders to stun them on sight."

*Name changed