MandyLand

QUITTING, BUT NEVER GIVING UP

2009-11-08T13:07:00.005-05:00

November 6 has been a personal anniversary for me since 2004. That was the day on which I had my last cigarette. I have blogged about this before, here on this blog and on my previous blog - I tend to always do a post around this time as a reflection.

I have always remembered this day and I usually do something to celebrate. Quitting smoking is an accomplishment and I am proud of it. Also, since that date too a lot of changes have occured in my life, so I use this date as sort of a marker.. Some directly related to no longer smoking, others more about growing up and continuous journey as I pass through the chapters of my life.

So this November 6th marks 5-years since I quit smoking.

Since then, I've become a fish-only vegetarian. I have gotten married. I have left LA and moved to North Carolina. Became an avid runner. Gotten back on the soccer field and started regularly playing for multiple teams. Started running distance. Bought a beach house. Changed employers 3 times and I have even moved into a different profession.

This November 6th, at 12:41am, my son was born.

It's been quite the journey so far.

LIVE FROM THE FIELD

2009-11-06T21:44:00.002-05:00

Kicking & Screaming Jackson Robert has arrived!

2009-11-06T02:07:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the world Jackson Robert.

Born 12:41am on 11/06/09, 9 pounds 6 ounces, and 21.5" long.

The view from my hospital bed

2009-11-05T17:45:00.001-05:00

CHEATER

2009-11-04T07:32:00.003-05:00

I am halfway into my second week of maternity leave and still, there is no baby.

He's late. I am miserable and top it all off, I am really starting to feel guilty.. like I am cheating on maternity leave.

I don't even know if I could work, I have a pretty tough time doing pretty much everything, but yet- this is exactly what I was worried about, being stuck at home with little to do.

I don't do bored well.

I didn't realize I was going to end up bored and feeling like a I am cheating.. booooo.

GET OUT!

2009-10-30T08:24:00.003-04:00

It's official. He's late.

Due date was yesterday.

Ugh.. I am so ready to get the show on the road. I feel overdone. Over-bloated, over-tired, over-miserable, and past the boundary of all patience. Thank God for the good of everyone that I am no longer working.

I guess I should have figured this. The baby has already shown to take after the husband and since the husband and tends to be frustratingly late almost all of the time, I should have just assumed.

I am still hoping for a Halloween baby. It could still happen. If I go into labor today or tonight the chances are good. Worst-case, the doc has me scheduled for eviction (induction) November 5.

At least I know where the end of the road is, so that's something. I really can't wait to meet this guy.

ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL

2009-10-29T07:58:00.004-04:00

I can't believe it took TEN YEARS to pass the extension of the hate crimes bill that would include attacks based on sexual orientation.

I just cannot grasp it. It's the right thing to do and I fail to understand why anyone would be opposed to it. It has nothing to do with the "morality or ethics of homosexuality" it has to do with protecting people from hate crimes, end of story.

It sickens me that this had to be attached to a defense spending bill to get it passed.

This country is fucking broken.

Until we can all separate our religious/moral beliefs from what is best for this country and everyone in it as a whole, we are fucking doomed. There's supposed to be a separation between church (and church beliefs) and state (civil policies), but there is not. This is not some fucking religious crusade, this is the well-being and lives of all Americans.

NESTING

2009-10-27T09:21:00.002-04:00

As I get closer and closer to my due date, I've been doing a lot of reading about what to expect as labor nears. I have been reading accounts of other women about the changes they saw in their bodies and in their emotional states prior to actually going into labor.

I am looking for signs. Any kind of hint as to when he will finally come.

Hundreds of years of medical developments and still no one has any idea what it is that actually triggers labor.

So, all I can do is wait. Read about what happened to other people and watch for the signs which may or may not occur. It's a lot like watch a pot boil, but not exactly being able to tell if the stove is actually on.

One of the things I have read about and been told is very common by the women I work with is to go into a period of almost frantic "nesting" just before true labor begins. This type of nesting seems irrational to others, it is like an almost pathological need to hurry up and get things done. A lot of women start long lists of strange things, color coding wardrobes, cleaning out cupboards, scrubbing floors, etc.. and just start barreling through them. Things that have been put off, suddenly become the highest priority.

I have not had this. I have reached the point of being so bored I am looking for shit to do, but no strong urges to do things. I am doing things just to entertain myself.

I am a planner. I always have a list of things to do and generally I do things on the list within a week, 2 weeks at max big or small. I decided that I wanted to have everything done for the baby's arrival by Labor Day and I did. I have always kept up on things because I always felt like I wouldn't know when I wouldn't feel like doing them (or not physically be able to) so there was no time like the present.

I have absolutely nothing left to do for baby prep. If he shows up in the next 5 minutes, fine. I am ready.

The husband is wired a bit differently. He tends to put things off more so than I do. Things that get on his to do list, might linger there for months. Which is why if I want something done (that means I want in done in the next week) then I typically try to do it myself. He does do it all, just on a longer lead time than I would prefer.

The last 2-3 weeks have been completely different. There's a long list of things on a note pad sitting on his desk. Things that have been waiting to be done for months, small things, big things, fall things, things related to taxes/finances, planning, organization, minor home repairs, errands to be run, etc. This list is at least a couple of pages. I have never seen his list over 10 or so items at a time previously.

Normally, he doesn't do any home work during the after work- he tends to come home and relax. Weekends start with coffee, usually he gets caught up in football or some shitty movie, and then maybe he gets to things or not, maybe he doesn't get to things until Sunday and then he is never able to get done all of what he aspired to.

These last couple of weeks, I have watched him barrel through tasks like he was on fire. Inside the house and out. He works late trying to get ahead of things at work, then he comes home and works on stuff here at the house into late in the evening. The past few weekends he's been up and at it early in the day. He barely hits the couch anymore. He'll be on the computer checking fantasy scores as a break, but otherwise he's working on something..

The fall trimming has been done, the pool closed, trees planted, broken hinges on the shed replaced, the HVAC guy called, the downstairs thermostat replaced, cat litter boxes replaced with new, his desk upstairs has been organized, including all of our files, I think he killed the shredder by overuse, the car has been inspected for new tags, he's scheduled some guys to come out and check out the replacing of some of the siding on the chimney, he's been working on bundling the utilities out at the beach house, redoing our tax with holdings, getting receipts organized for this years taxes, patching walls, cleaning out his closet and separating things out for goodwill, and he even installed a shoe organizer for his shoes.

It hit me yesterday, he's the one who's nesting!

FALL COLORS

2009-10-26T11:23:00.004-04:00

Yesterday we decided to head towards Hillsborough, NC and Eno River State Park to take in the scenery.. I posted some of the pictures I took to the right in a photo album.

Enjoy.

2009-10-25T16:27:00.001-04:00

Checking out the fall foliage...

THE PRO-RAPE VOTES... ALL 30 OF THEM

2009-10-21T19:30:00.004-04:00

So I kinda get why people aren't necessarily taking Al Fraken seriously as a senator.

However, when someone introduces a Contractor ANTI-RAPE bill into Congress, you'd think it would be a slam dunk, right? No.

Franken's bill was drafted to prevent the US Government from signing contracts with companies that required their employees to submit to binding internal arbitration in the case of rape.

Now, lets be clear. Arbitration can be a great thing when used correctly. It can help keep down the lawsuits piled on courts for civil disputes. But, rape is a fucking criminal offense. It's not about money, it's about being held responsible in the US justice system.

30 senators opposed this bill. THIRTY. All Republicans.

Sen. Jeff Sessions, ranking Republican member of the Senate Judiciary Committee,
said "Congress should not be involved in writing or rewriting private
contracts," he argued.
The bill was, he maintained, a "political amendment at bottom, representing a political attack on Halliburton."
In fact, the amendment only goes so far as to require contractors doing business with the government to permit employees to sue civilly in the "most egregious violations," Franken emphasized in a statement. (For less egregious matters, contractors can still require employees to waive their right to sue and submit to arbitration.)

If my tax money is going towards a contractor, I (through my elected officials) have every damn right in the world to refuse to do business with that contractor if their internal contracts remove their employees basic right to justice. The government has regulated employee/employer agreements forever, there are guidelines.. a couple weeks ago they were screaming about yanking the tax payer money from ACORN:

“It is evident that ACORN is incapable of using federal funds in a manner that is
consistent with the law,” Boehner and the other Republicans told the
president. “Simply put, ACORN should not receive another penny of American
taxpayers’ money.”

Okay. So its not okay to use taxpayer money to pay a company was caught in a sting giving a "pimp & prostitute" tax advice. But it IS okay to use taxpayer money to pay a company that protects rapists and persecutes their victims by denying them a criminal trial? Okay, good. Now I am clear.

Of course, the news networks have been too busy with 24-coverage of "Balloon Boy" or the "Jon & Kate Divorce Show" to actually cover shit like this.. I first heard about this on The Daily Show.

Then today, I ran across this:

REPUBLICANS FOR RAPE

I am glad someone's paying attention.

Yep, people- It's time. Time to start paying attention to the shit the media isn't covering.

THE ANSWER IS CLEAR

2009-10-21T12:59:00.001-04:00

I have to admit, I like it when things just sort of work themselves out and the answers become clear.

I blogged yesterday about struggling with when to go out on maternity leave. This morning it became crystal clear to me that I will be starting maternity leave on Monday, Oct 26.

Last night was another difficult night to sleep- it's hard these days. I woke up and could not get back to sleep for over an hour around 3am. That never starts a work day off well.

I also realized this morning I am tired of walking into my closet and trying to find something in my shrinking wardrobe options that is presentable and not completely uncomfortable to shove my ass into. My options are shrinking weekly and at an ever accelerating rate.

My Wednesday morning doctors visits serve no purpose other than to piss me off. At this point, I am either IN LABOR or NOT IN LABOR the rest is unnecessary details and therefore, a pain in my ass.

I realized also this morning that I really sick of hearing "Hang in there!" Do me a favor. Don't say anything. Stop asking me how I am. Stop saying how every day I am here you are surprised to see me. I am sick of hearing the same things over and over and over again. Steer clear and just move along, thank you.

I have been slowly moving towards that zero tolerance point... Today, I hit it head on. I am done. Done with everything. I just don't have it in me any more.

So... I just have to make it through this week.

Then next week, I will have to figure out how the hell to entertain myself while I am sitting around waiting to go into labor for who knows how long.

WHEN TO GO

2009-10-20T17:19:00.002-04:00

I really never though much about maternity leave until recently. It's just one of those things, you have a baby you go out on maternity leave.

I decided that I was going to plan to take the whole 12 weeks. I figure that if I schedule the whole thing it will be there if I need it and in the case I get restless and want to go back early, then no big deal- my boss is going to have no problem with that either way, the option is always there.

Now, I am struggling with the issue of when to start maternity.

My original plan was to just work until I go into labor. My biggest work project was going to be gearing down around that time and I knew it would make me crazy to walk away from it before I had to (i.e. going into labor).

But things have worked out a bit ahead of schedule and its looking like that might all be done, locked down, and the P.O. issued by the end of this week.

Initially, I figured if I could see it to the end point I would have a mentally easier time walking away and based on this the husband and I talked about me going ahead and starting maternity this coming Monday, Oct 26 (3 days before my due date).

My boss is on board, I talked to him about it a couple days ago, he said he'd feel better if I wasn't at work when my water broke. I kinda suspected that I am starting to make the people around me a little nervous. Every morning they look surprised to see me. Monday's when I walk down the main hall, it to a chorus of "Your still here?"

Doing anything these days is difficult. My joints ache, my body hurts, my foot is still swollen and jacked up, so I can't walk very well and I am still limping. It's difficult to sit, stand, lay, whatever.. but that said, it's no more uncomfortable to be at work than at home these days.

But this morning on the way to work, I realized I absolutely hate the idea of being stuck alone in the house for who knows how many days just waiting to go into labor.

I despise it actually.

...and so, I have no idea what to do.

If the baby would just decide to show up between now and Friday I guess that would make that decision for me (however, I am no longer hoping for an early arrival- I got the H1N1 shot yesterday and the longer he incubates the better his immunity will be).

So really? It's not like I've got the option to bail on work and go enjoy myself, because that's not the case. I can't do anything, I can't go anywhere, and I really can't even relax.

Sitting around uncomfortable by myself as opposed to dragging myself to work which is just as uncomfortable but slightly more difficult seems to be a push at best.

I got nothing.. I never thought this would be such a difficult decision.

DROPPING THE DEAD WEIGHT

2009-10-14T19:58:00.003-04:00

Limbaugh is out of the bid for the Rams.

Checketts drops Limbaugh

A Limbaugh spokesman told ESPN that Limbaugh would have no comment on Wednesday. Earlier, on his syndicated radio show, Limbaugh was defiant, holding on to hope that he still could be part of the ownership group that buys the Rams.

"This is not about the NFL, it's not about the St. Louis Rams, it's not about me," Limbaugh said. "This is about the ongoing effort by the left in this country, wherever you find them, in the media, the Democrat Party, or wherever, to destroy conservatism, to prevent the mainstreaming of anyone who is prominent as a conservative.

"Therefore, this is about the future of the United States of America and what kind of country we're going to have."

Actually, this is about you being a nasty, hateful, racist fucking piece of shit. You getting your ass dropped out of this deal = the "kind of country we have" warms my heart.

17 DAYS

2009-10-12T20:44:00.003-04:00

Or 31 days (worst-case).

Yes, I am counting the days til my due date. You would be too in my position. I'm huge, swollen, exhausted, have constant vicious heartburn and as added level of difficulty- I'm now on crutches.

I have some inflammation in my left foot that has gotten so bad over the last 2 weeks that I can't walk on it and the Doc put me on crutches. Simple anti-inflammatory meds would probably do the trick, but given my current condition- that's a big fat no.

Rest, ice, elevate- blah blah blah.. Doesn't help. Neither does Tylenol.

Like I said.. 17/31 days...

I think this is funny.. this is the first time in the last ~13 years that I have been counting down the days to something other than St. Pat's!

..and its weird.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE

2009-10-11T08:28:00.003-04:00

Earlier this week when I heard that a bid had been made for my beloved (and currently terrible) St. Louis Rams that included that extreme racist Rush Limbaugh I was absolutely stunned.

After the initial nausea subsided came the rage.

Then the realization, that if this goes through, not only will I have to burn everything I own with a logo, I am going to have to take a sledge hammer to everything that won't burn. Given my current state, it's going to be a month until I have a legitimate shot of swinging a sledge hammer (thankfully, my fire starting ability has not be affected).

To be honest, I can't believe that there hasn't been more of a backlash against it. Yeah, business is business, but this guy is a fucking disgusting racist and all business owe their employees (the players) better than that. Who would want to play for this guy? Especially if you are black? What a piece of shit. It's not like he'd bought the team and THEN we found out what he really was.

This morning, I did catch a good article about this by Kevin Blackistone. I had almost forgotten some of the shit that Limbaugh has pulled over the years, Kevin Mr. Blackistone lays it all out there again and makes some points that a very difficult to ignore.

I hope the NFL listens.

NFL Should Punt Rush Limbaugh's Ownership Bid

Crazy People

2009-10-08T07:42:00.004-04:00

It's sad these kids lost their parents, but ironic how this problem basically took care of itself:

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=8778572

MEDAL WINNERS AT GABF

2009-09-27T09:13:00.004-04:00

The 2009 Great American Beer Festival Winners were released this morning for those of us who didn't get to go (*whine*).

Congratulations to some Liquor Fairy's Favorites & North Carolina's own:

Duck-Rabbit Craft Brewer: Bronze in the Strong Beer Catagory and Gold in Baltic Style Porter

Foothills Brewing: Bronze in the Imperial Stout Category.

PUTTING DOWN SOME ROOTS

2009-09-27T08:44:00.002-04:00

In my new cube, my monitor sits in front of a blank wall. A couple weeks ago, I was thinking that would be a perfect place to hang a couple of the really fantastic pictures that I have taken from the deck of the beach house.

Sort of like "windows."

I picked two really brilliant shots and got online and ordered them in 11x 14s. They arrived a couple of days later. On Thursday, I put them up.

A couple hours later I walked back to my desk and caught myself just staring at the pictures and then something hit me.

I have not had any pictures or personal things (other than my coffee cup and calibrated 8-ball, which is more of a management tool) since 2002.

That was the year I left Steris in Phoenix. That the was the last place I was an internal employee (not a contractor) that I liked. I liked the people, I liked the facility, I liked my boss, I liked my job, and I felt challenged.

And for the first time in 7 years, I have found myself back in the same situation. What's amusing is that I have been with the company over 2 years, but only in my current position since July.

I have always liked the people in general at the facility. I basically like the company just fine. But now, I am challenged, I work in an excellent group, and I really like my boss.

I actually had a review on Friday. It was completely in line with every other performance evaluation I have ever had in my life- except the ones I had upstairs with my previous boss. I always suspected it wasn't me, it was him. Now I am positive and that brings me a sense of peace.

So back to the pictures. I am sure no one knows me well enough to pick up on what this means. It even took me a while.

I'm good. It looks like until something changes, I am willing to hang out for a while. Strange for someone who's always kept a bag packed, her resume up to date, and an ear to the ground- I have never been one to pass an opportunity without a good reason.

Now I have a good reason, I found the opportunity I was looking for.

STATIONARY

2009-09-20T07:47:00.003-04:00

This has been and continues to be a most interesting year.

While its been full of very significant changes, the simple lack of changing companies for me has been quite interesting.

I have in the past changed companies or sites (as a contractor you don't stay in place for very long) every two years or less. Sometimes it has included a move to a new area other times just a change in location of the same area.

Two months ago, my closest friend here took a job in Texas, packed all her shit and was gone in 3 weeks. I think I mentioned before, this was the first time I had been among those left behind. It's always been me leaving.

This week, a good friend with which I work, turned in his resignation, cashed in his last two weeks on vacation, packed his shit and was gone in about 40 minutes. (He'd been actively trying to leave since I first arrived.. I am surprised he managed to make it out the door without getting on the paging system and giving the entire site a crash course on his perspective).

..and I am still there. It just seems so strange.

My job has changed, the people I socialize with during the day changed, just based on convenience. The people I work closely with day to day are generally the people I didn't work closely with previously, and the people I worked closely with prior I barely deal with these days.

I still see my old crew around the facility, but I don't have much time to visit with them. I make it upstairs to visit infrequently at best due do to the sheer amount of work I am engrossed in daily.

I'm on the outside, looking into a group I used to be on the inside of and I suspected it before, but now I can clearly see that groups disfunctionality and the fact that it is actively being set up to dry up and fade away. Fine for the necessity of a reorg, but pretty shitty when you consider there are actual people involved.

I'm watching people like myself move around within the company, while others are packing up to leave the company. I am see the corporate priorities change while their method of execution continues to stay the same. I am watching the people I work with grow and changes with me.. people having babies, kids starting school, the loss of loved ones, and the aspirations of people starting to change due to time.

This is all stuff I never really thought about before because I was never really in a stationary location from which to observe the things around me.

I'm finally paying attention to what is going on around me I guess and its all much more interesting than I would have guessed.

DISTRACTIONS

2009-09-12T08:09:00.004-04:00

When I found out I was pregnant months ago, I promised myself that I would not let this blog turn into another obsessive baby blog. I can't stand those.. I can't help but wonder how healthy it is to have your entire universe revolve around a baby and not have any personal interests, hobbies, or activities of your own.

Now a few months into it, I get how the whole baby process can be all emcompassing (and he isn't even here yet) particularly for me right now based on my physical condition- there is very little else I can do.

But literally, all I really think about these days is either baby related or work project related. I don't have anything else going on to distract me. That's why I haven't had much to say over the past few months too.

I am 33 weeks now. 7 weeks til my due date. My gut tells me he's going to come early, but that very well might be wishful thinking. I am uncomfortable and exhausted pretty much all the time.

Thank God for work, it keeps me moving and busy from the minute I get there until the minute I leave. That's exactly the kind of distraction I need.

I'm in the beginning of a massive project that is gaining momentum by the day. The timing is great, because I should have all the details done and the conceptual design locked down before I go out on maternity. If all goes according the plan, the lull in the project will occur while I am out while the initial build is going on. By the time things start really getting put together I should be back.

My project's actually pretty exciting, I love a design challenge. If I can pull this off, I should be able to save the company more than 650K per year in labor costs. The hard part is going to be to convince the that the initial investment is worth it.

I'm going to be disappointed if this all dies on the vine. Like most companies, I have to fight through that "this is the way we've always done it" mentality.

In the meantime, at least it keeps me challenged and distracted. Otherwise, I think I would just feel like a giant semi-mobile incubator and probably spend my days couting down the days.

STUFF

2009-08-27T17:28:00.002-04:00

Seen that new A&E show, "Hoarders"? It's on after "Intervention."

It's in the same kind of format as Intervention- the website describes it as:

Each 60-minute episode of Hoarders is a fascinating look inside the lives of two different people whose inability to part with their belongings is so out of control that they are on the verge of a personal crisis. Whether they're facing eviction, the loss of their children, jail time, or divorce, they are all desperately in need of help. In a fly-on-the-wall style, we'll capture the drama as experts work to put each on the road to recovery.

I had never heard of it until a couple of weeks ago when my Uncle came to visit. He brought it up in reference of my mother. We have always referred to her as a "pack rat" but it turns out the actual term is Compulsive or Pathological Hoarder.

I started watching it about 2 weeks ago out of a sense of familiarity and a sort of curiosity. I had no idea the affect that watching it was going to have on me. I actually yell back at the TV, talk to myself, and end the episode with the most overwhelming urge to grab a black 50 gallon trash bag and pick and area of my house and start throwing shit away.

This is because my mom is a stuff hoarder. A small portion of this is also, I think is because I am pregnant, the hormones make me a bit more sensitive than my normal nature. Also, as I described in an earlier post, I have been mentally taking stock/nesting here lately and that has included analyzing things from my childhood, specifically my relationships with my own parents as I build the foundation for my transition into parenthood, and this is one of those things that had a big impact on my relationship with my mother.

Unlike the people I have seen so far on Hoarders, my mom accumulates "stuff" that is mostly useless, but not anything that is unsanitary (unless maybe the occasional expired food product in the fridge). Her kitchen stink is completely mounded full of dirty dishes at any given time, but it is confined to that area. That part isn't so much hoarding as it is just being fucking lazy. (I fail to grasp this based on the fact that she has a dishwasher that she purchased as soon as I left, I was her dishwasher prior to that.)

The rest of the house is completely packed with stuff. Every surface. Every table, chair, desk, floor, and bed. Also hallways, counter tops, shelves, TVs, you name it. There are actually "goat trails" throughout the still accessible areas of the house ("goat trail" is a term that refers to the narrow passages that lead between piles or walls of stuff in the dwelling of a hoarder. They may have stuff in the trail as well so footing can be unsure, like paths used by mountain goats). In her case, she's a small lady, so her goat trails are sized for her access and no one else. I am about 7-8 inches taller than she is and I cannot navigate these trails without knocking shit over constantly. My Uncle is a good 3-4 inches taller than me, its even worse for him. I don't think other than the exterior doors any doors in that house can be completely closed anymore due to the sheer amount of stuff. It's maddening as hell when you cannot move through a space without knocking shit over or continuously causing stuff-slides.

The stuff consists clothes, books, magazines, newspapers, mail, flyers, binder clips, extension cords, shoes (not usually in sets), random containers, misc. shit purchased at Big Lots, cosmetics, cigarette boxes, tissue boxes, ashtrays, unopened shipping packages (stuff ordered but never opened), figurines, knickknacks, and I can't even remember what else. It blurs even in my minds eye.. to me it just looks just like one huge throbbing mass of stuff.

There was usually a place cleared off on the couch so she could watch TV. If you needed to sit in the other chair, you had to dig for it. If you wanted to pour yourself a bowl of cereal, you had to find some semi-flat surface in the stuff mounded on all surfaces in the kitchen to balance the bowl so you could pour the cereal into it.

When I lived there, my room was the only place you could actually see the floor or any surface. 2 years after I left, when I returned, every surface in that room including the floors, furniture, and beds were covered in stuff. The access trail only reached into the middle of the room. You could not get to the closet of the dresser without having to crawl over things. There was no where I could put down my bag unless I put it on something.

She wasn't always like this. When I was little, maybe about 7 when we moved in that house, you could still see the floors- there was stuff piled up in the corners and the hallway, it was cluttered even then, but it was nothing like it would become. By the time I was in middle school the house had reached the level of unmitigated disaster. I remember having to vacuum the trails, thinking how worthless it was. She wouldn't even let me move stuff to vacuum under it.

I never had a friend spend the night. I wasn't allowed to have friends over, and really, who would want to?

It went from bad to worse as I proceeded through high school. There were brief periods of time where the living room was accessible- not clean, just less of a disaster. You might be able to sit down without moving stuff or briefly glimpse the top of the coffee table or TV. Possible see the surface of a shelf. After I left, that never happened again as far as I know.

If she couldn't find something it was somehow my fault. I had moved it or thrown it away as far as she was concerned and I paid no matter the case. I was a latchkey kid starting in the 4th grade and I spent most of my childhood locked in that fucking house. Even in middle school/high school I was not allowed out very much, that place was my personal hell. I was an overachiever (I knew early academics were my out) and active in sports & clubs, partially because it is my nature, but mostly because I would do pretty much anything to get out of that house and away from her. When I was stuck in the house, I was often buried in books as my escape.

She was depressed constantly and had nasty mood swings. I never knew how she was going to act when she came home from work. I remember bracing myself every time I heard her car in the driveway- wondering what her state would be when she hit the door. I was staying with her for a week or so at some period after college and I remember hearing her car pull in the driveway and I realized I was having a borderline panic attack. My heart raced, I broke out in a sweat, and I all of a sudden felt like a trapped rat.... just like when I was a kid. That was the last time I stayed there.. I could go for brief visits, but that pretty much it.

I believe she also had a form of ADHD. Dozens of half-finished home improvement projects are caught in the debris of that house.

She would start, get something completely ripped out and then rapidly lose interest. I remember only one project being finished during my time there, and it was started and finished within 6 months of us moving in when I was about 7. She ripped out the kitchen counters, tile, and cabinet fronts when I was 11. By the time I graduated college, the counter top had eventually been put back in, but the cabinets had not, and the floor remained tiled only halfway, the rest was exposed particle board. For at least 10 years, the missing cabinet fronts exposed to heaped dishes and various shit in the cabinets. I swear she must have had 400 plastic disposable sour cream/butter/cottage cheese containers stuffed in one cabinet. Things we constantly on the floor from falling out of the cabinets or off the counters. My Uncle has since finished that project and the half finished bathroom that she started while I was in college for her. The rest I am sure remain unchanged.

There was a point when I was in college or maybe right after where she decided she was ready to "get the house cleaned up and organized." My uncle and I offered to help. As soon as we started trying to get things hauled out, the freak out began. There was yelling and screaming, accusations.. it was crazy. Everything that we managed to haul out she drug back into the house within hours. According to her, what she needed was "just some bins and storage organizers to organize her stuff." That endeavor faded quickly and I left not long after. It was miserable experience. I think this is when I realized there was a mental issue at play.

Based on my experiences with my mom's hoarding, I thought that watching "Hoarders" might actually be therapeutic for me and maybe it is, but it seems like right now, it's just bringing out the rage.

This couple on the episode 2 weeks ago were in danger of losing their kids if they didn't get the house cleaned up. They had months to do it and what did they do? Nothing... "it's an addition, it's a disease".. what the fuck ever. Lets call it, if you let your own issues take control of your life above the well being of your children, you are fucking selfish. You owe your children better than this.

My mom owed me better than locking me in that fucking shit hole of a house for 8 years, but she didn't bother to look past her own issues to worry about the well being of her kid, and that's what I see when I watch this show. They are defending the hoarders and begging people to be understanding and have compassion, yet no one is examining the affect on the kids who have no choice but to grow up in that crap or confronting the parents about the ramifications of these choices on their children who have no escape. I get that it's an addition like alcoholism and drug abuse. But you know what? Before it becomes an addition, it was a fucking choice. Let's not forget that and just because it turns into an addition does not erase the responsibility that results from the decisions that were made when it was a choice.

I am pretty lucky all things considered, in spite of this I am fairly well-adjusted. I am not a serial killer or a hoarder, nor am I OCD or a complete neat freak (yet).. My house is minimalistic and I like it that way. I am sure given my history that is not hard to understand. I regularly sort through drawers and closets and throw things away or send them to good will. I don't buy things that serve no function and I refuse to keep things out of some sort of obligation to so one who felt the need to give me stuff.

I do not collect anything and I hate dust collectors - this is basically anything I consider useless crap. It's like the stuff people buy you for Christmas that you don't need, don't want, has nothing to do with anything about you personally, and was bought just because they seem to feel like that have to give you something and won't give you a gift card, because a gift card isn't "something to unwrap."

I take an empty garbage bag with me to the Christmas tree on Christmas morning. If it's not food, something I am going to actually wear, or use, it goes straight into the garbage bag and the bag goes to good will at the earliest possibility. I don't believe in re-gifting either, if it's useless and I re-gift it, I am perpetuating the cycle.

Clutter makes me anxious. I have a hard time breathing. Chaos in my house is the same way. When I do home improvement projects, I do nothing but eat and sleep until its completed. I keep my house clean and uncluttered. If someone stops for an unannounced visit, that is just fine, I expect the house to be presentable at anytime.

Now, lemme stop you here when you decide you want to tell me "it will be different with the baby" or "you'll get used to the stuff" because it should be plain to say that we are not all wired the same. There will be a workable concession found, sure, and there will be baby stuff around- when it's useful; when he outgrows it or is no longer interested in it, it's gone. If it's broken its gone immediately. I don't save mementos, etc- I am just not wired for it. I take pictures, digital- they store easier. This is what works for me and this is something way more important to me that most people. We all have different priorities.

During the recent visit of my Uncle he told me that the last time he talked to my mom a few weeks ago, she told him that the house was "worse" than the last time he'd been there (which I think was about 5 years ago). I can't even imagine. I haven't been inside since probably 2001 or 2002.

I cannot go inside that house. I will never go inside of it unless it is cleaned out completely and that is not likely to happen. Most hoarders never get out. They die with it that way and families are left with MONTHS of cleanup work. (Also, fucking selfish.) Unfortunately, no jurisdiction yet recognizes justifiable arson as a legal defense.

My husband has never been inside, not past the front room anyway, and in there he spent less than a minute before I could extract him.

The last time she visited me (2001). I left my clean apartment and went to work and exactly 8.5 hours later I came home to mounds of her stuff piled on the floor in the bedroom, her crap piled up all over the bathroom sink, a kitchen sink entirely filled with dirty dishes (I also had a dishwasher), a large amount of spattered tomato soup burned to the stove top, and a large and completely overflowing ash tray on the coffee table in the living room where she sat wrapped up in a blanket happily smoking and watching TV just like she does at home.

She continued to sit there and TV while I cleaned loaded all the dished into the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen surfaces, and spent 20 minutes scrubbing the stove. She blamed the stove mess on the burners being too hot. She never apologized, she never offered to help me. She felt no responsibility at all to clean up after herself or leave my house in the same state she arrived.

I was actually surprised. I shouldn't have been. But this wasn't because of hoarding, this was due to laziness and slobbery. There's a difference. What this proved to me though is that there were multiple things going on.

In the meantime, this is one of those things that has been going around in my head during my mental nesting.

I want my child to have friends over to the house. I want him to have sleepovers and birthday parties at our house. I don't want for him to ever be horrified at the condition of his living space. I love to have friends and family visit and I love for them to have a comfortable space to relax and stay. No one will ever have to worry about navigating through piles of stuff in my house or having to try to find an available surface to put a bag down.

This is something my mother never bothered to provide for me. However, this is something I consider to be important. Important to me and important for me to provide for my son.

The grasp of this goes much further though. For the good of everyone, I will never be able set foot in her house, nor will my son (its unsafe for a child, especially a little one) and she will never be able to stay overnight in my home.

I gotta do what I gotta do for myself and my family.

MENTAL NESTING

2009-08-26T17:44:00.003-04:00

I would have to say I feel like I have been drifting these past couple of months. Adrift in my head and in the world around me.

It's not a bad thing and I am not complaining. There's a lot of reasons for it, I think. The biggest one is probably the mentally getting prepared for the baby. It's been a lot like "mentally nesting" period of sorts.

I haven't been out and about much. There's really not much for me to do. Sitting at the bar is not much fun for me these days. I get pretty tired if I am out walking around too long. Going to the gym or to soccer was a big part of my pre-pregnancy routine, but that is out too.

I take the dogs on a 2 mile walk every morning before work (I am less tired in the mornings than after work) and other than that, I go to work and come home. I am generally pretty tired in the evenings, so there's TV, surfacing the Internet, or random reading and it seems these days I just don't have a lot to say or to contribute.

My closest friend in Raleigh moved to San Antonio a couple months ago too. I miss her a lot and that adds to it, I think. I used to run around with her a lot and with her gone and the progressing pregnancy, I think it adds into sense of drifting.

I am not depressed or unhappy, it's more like laying on a float in a pool. I am fine here for the time being- its just that this is new and very much out of the ordinary for me.

I am finished with all the baby stuff, the nursery is ready, necessary books read, all the forms are filled out and files, everything that needed to be bought has been acquired and assembled, if necessary (except the rocking chair, it's been ordered, due for delivery next week).

So I am in a holding pattern until the baby comes.

Not much I can do, but just go through the days and move on to the next. Can't get into much, plan things, or get back active until after he arrives and we manage to get the hang of it.

So I am enjoying the rest and just kicking around in my own head.

STORM SURF

2009-08-22T09:21:00.004-04:00

This is the second of two weekend I had planned on making the husband take me out to the beach probably around Wrightsville or Top Sail for that day that ended up being deterred by crappy weather.

On the brightside, thank you Hurricane Bill for not slamming the OBX. I am requesting that all future hurricanes head towards Lehtos house- everybody wins that way.

Maybe next weekend will work out with the weather and we can go then. Fingers crossed. Labor Day is out, we are headed to sunny, scenic Cleveland.

I really want to drive out to the beach house and kick out the vacation renters so I can sit on the deck and watch the storm surf coming in this weekend.

Bad buisness plan, I know.

Can't help it.... does not share well with others.

LETS NOT PRETEND

2009-08-19T17:21:00.004-04:00

I can't believe I missed this until now:

Michelob ULTRA Fruit Infused Beers

AB released Mic Ultra Fruit Infused Beers in flavors apparently inspired by the scents of women's body lotion:

Pomegranate Raspberry, Tuscan Orange Grapefruit, and Lime Cactus.

You have got to be shitting me. Not that AB designed and released such shit. Not that people who drink Mic Ultra wouldn't be perfectly willing to drink this shit.

Shitting me that Draft Mag actually twittered about the tasting notes for it today.

Let's not pretend this can possible be beer worth drinking, because Mic Ultra is not beer worth drinking. People drink it for one of two reasons, they don't know any better or they are watching their carbs (don't drink beer then). No one drinks this beer because it tastes good or because it is a good beer- because, it is not.

I am a fan of well-crafted fruit beers, some of my favorite beers fall in this category. But we are talking about blueberry wheat or a peach ale, not some ridiculous cotton candy-banana bullshit.

But this whole nonsense is just ridiculous. Fuck AB for continuing to brew shitty beer, regardless if there is a market for it or not.