jiggscasey.com

Reports of his death have been greatly exaggerated

2008-05-09T04:47:00.000-07:00

I have uncovered shocking evidence of a hoax. Observe:

It has been prophesied that when Jiggs dies, a single star will fall from the heavens as the angels weep. No such star fell on Wednesday.
The dead man's switch Jiggs operates was not triggered. The switch would cause Berkeley to become a giant volcano, so that would have been on the news.
The previous post has a hint about the Paul McCartney death hoax, and sure enough, if you record yourself reading the post out loud and play it backwards, it sounds like "I'm Jiggs Casey and I faked my own death on the blog-o-sphere. I'm hungry, I'm going to get a ham sandwich."
And we all know Jiggs loves his ham sandwiches.
I get Jiggs's ancient Burmese woodcut porn collection in his will. So far, no Burmese woodcut porn.
And finally, the post of Jiggs's death was written by Jiggs Casey!

This blog is lame

2008-05-08T03:06:00.000-07:00

Hi. It's Jerry Caysey again. Now that Jiggs is dead and I started filling in for him, it seems like there should be some changes around here. I mean we can all agree that this blog is lame. It'd be vastly superior if it was called jerrycaysey.com instead. We can't mourn the loss of jiggs forever.

Also more of this blog ought to be dedicated to the art and craft of stunt dicking. I mean not everyone with a magnificent cock can be a stunt dick. It takes a lot of hard work and all the horse tranquilizers you can eat.

Also, Jiggs dying all of a sudden kind of reminds me of that whole "Paul is dead" thing with the Beatles. Except that the Beatles thing was a total hoax, and jiggs is totally dead.

I buried him with his cockfighting belt buckle this morning.

Jiggs Casey is dead!

2008-05-07T02:38:00.000-07:00

This is Jiggs Casey's replacement, Jerry Caysey.

I'm not nearly as entertaining or generally odd as Jiggs, but I'm much more reliable.

They picked me to replace Jiggs because I work as Jiggs' stunt dick in the various foreign films that Jiggs writes, directs and stars in.

Enjoy.

Happy Seis de Mayo

2008-05-06T05:29:00.000-07:00

Yeah, we missed Cinco de Mayo here at the JiggsCasey.com, but I thought I'd make it up to our southern brothers from another colonial mother so I read the wiki on Cinco de Mayo.

I knew that Cinco de Mayo wasn't Mexican Independence day, and that it had to do with Napoleon III's (worst dictator sequel ever) invasion of Mexico. I thought it was when the Mexicans kicked the French out in the 1860s, but apparently not. No, it was just an early victory over the invading French army before Mexico got their asses occupied for a few years. We could at least celebrate when the French were finally defeated (February 5) or when they shot General Maximillian (June 19).

Hell, let's just officially rename it Coronas and Limes Day.

Support your local minor league arena team

2008-05-05T05:12:00.000-07:00

From Manchester to Corpus Christi to Spokane, Arena 2 is sweeping the nation!

Went to the Manchester Wolves game yesterday and my voice isn't entirely back. The four of us tried to create a college football atmosphere, which involved a lot of noise on defense and general douchebaggery. Sadly, no profanity while heckling the opposing team since the Arena crowd is mostly families - I just don't feel right proclaiming that the Daytona Beach ThunderBirds are a bunch of whores with 6 year olds in the same section as me.

But you want to know what puts the "semi" in semi-pro football? It's when the owners decide to have special uniforms for the game and sell them off for charity. The jerseys the owners choose have one orange shoulder, one purple shoulder, green side panels, and a yellow design on the stomach. The owners match that jersey with the normal uniform pants, blue with a black stripe.

And the players can't say, "Oh, hell no!"

Friday scattershot

2008-05-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

A few unconnected thoughts for the weekend:

While hiking in New England, I've noticed that swamps/wetlands/marshes are always labeled as "meadows" on the map. Is this a New England word, like "frappe" for milkshake, or is it just marketing on the part of the park service? New England natives, help me.

I'm a little disappointed that my movie script got rejected. "The Robert Palmer Story: Addicted to Awesome" was going to track his meteoric rise to pop rock stardom. Mainly it was an origin story, where I traced the look of his videos to his early crush on that pale brunette with blood red lipstick you always see on beauty salon ads. In the movie's climax, he finds true love when he discovers one of the models can actually play the instrument she was given to hold.

I'm going to Manchester this weekend for an Arena2 football game. That's the minor league for indoor football. Players make $200 per game, although owners are allowed to also compensate players with room and board. So this is one of the few opportunities in American sports to see people who might actually be playing for a ham sandwich.

My canker sore is totally hot!!!1!1

2008-05-01T00:47:00.000-07:00

I totally won my salt eating contest today. Two salt shakers more than my closest competitor, Bernie "Dessicated Fingers" Torfelson. Afterwards he told me that he hadn't pooped in nearly six months. Such is the life of a professional salt eater.

Everybody was totally impressed that I was able to eat so much salt with my massive canker sore. In fact, my canker sore made me the sentimental favorite, and the audience's adoration made all the difference. Their cheers pushed me to eat those last 12 salt shakers.

One "salt groupie" was so into me, asking to lick my canker sore. At first I was disgusted, but the thought of hot salt groupie action was so intriguing that I accepted the offer. And let me tell you, my canker sore wasn't the only thing he licked! Booyah! Hot Gay Oral Sex!!!

Who knew festering sores could be so sexy?

Jiggs Update!

2008-04-30T02:52:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm not reliable enough for Uebermilf to lustfully offer me her cupcakes. But if reliability is her single criterion for sexual chocolate cupcakes, then so be it. I am unreliable. My only certainty is my uncertainty. The call me the breeze; I keep rollin down the road.

Yes. That's right. I just quoted Lynyrd Skynyrd. And how powerfully apt that quotation was indeed.

Anyway, I promised you an update on my pathetic life in the title of this post, so here it is: I have a canker sore the size of Sheboygan. My giant canker sore will be quite the handicap at the salt eating contest tomorrow.

Additionally, my pal sent me the set list of the Kids in the Hall show that we went to. She had connections and got back stage and totally swiped it! And knowing about my combined love of Kids in the Hall and my unreliability, she ill-advisedly sent it to me. I'll frame it if I don't lose it first.

Whatever happened to that dumbass William Hung? Hopefully, he's dead.

Alert the superdelegates!

2008-04-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

Hillary Clinton has determined that by counting only states that held primaries instead of caucuses, including Florida where no one campaigned, and Michigan where Obama wasn't even on the ballot, she moves ahead in the popular vote tally.

Her math is faulty, though. Obviously, Michigan was an unfair fight, so those votes are out (don't worry, we'll seat the delegates because every state deserves to have representatives go to Denver and wear straw boater hats). Same with Florida. I agree that caucuses are bizarre anachronisms, so throw those out. But to include open primaries? You shouldn't be allowed to count votes where independents and Republicans and even Green Party members are participating.

By the same token, closed primaries shouldn't count either. I mean, it's not really indicative of how well a candidate will perform in the general election if only Democrats are allowed to vote.

That brings Hillary into a dead heat with Obama at zero votes, tied for second place behind... me. After counting votes in the comments section of this blog, I have five votes. Eliminating the three that came from non-US citizens and felons, I win the popular vote with two.

Bring on McCain!

JiggsCasey.com Salutes

2008-04-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

Let's move on from old business about how Ubie totally loves me more than Jiggs, because she totally does and what's the point of rubbing it in Jiggs's face, a face that is less loved than mine, and hurting his feelings? Let's salute something!

I was flipping by ESPN this Saturday to see what was going on in the NFL Draft. To give you an idea of how badly football owns this country, ESPN devotes two days to televising teams pick players. This is not a fast process - the first round allots ten minutes to each team to make a pick. On TV, you spend five minutes listening to experts talk about who the last team picked, then they spend five minutes talking about who the next team should pick, then you have ten seconds of real news when the team makes the selection, and then the experts go back to babbling. Obviously, I could tolerate about twenty minutes of this before I had to turn the channel.

But the thing that struck me was the convention center is packed with fans. They don't even get to hear the talking heads babble, so for them it's ten minutes of nothing and ten seconds of action for an entire day. God bless those poor bastards, because there wasn't even a woman in sight to ogle.

I mean, say what you will about the Renaissance Faire, at least there's cleavage.

Game, Set, Match.

2008-04-25T00:44:00.000-07:00

Uebermilf, you play right into my hands! I knew you wouldn't be able to resist responding to yesterday's post and outing yourself:

I'm sorry; did Jiggs say something?

Hi, Slappy. Wanna come put your head in my lap while I feed you mini-cupcakes and stroke your hair? You work so hard; you deserve some "Slappy" time.

My theory about how you worship me is now confirmed.

Sorry to tell you this Slappy, but you're being used. Women never say things like this unless they are trying to get something. And in this case, Uebermilf is just trying to get my goat.

Wicked Games

2008-04-24T01:21:00.000-07:00

Uebermilf, you're uebertransparent.

Do you think you're fooling anyone with this game you're playing? Do you think acting like some kind of ueberdick will hide your obvious crush on me? Your actions suggest that you do, but I am not buying it. I wasn't some kind of c-section on yesterday's turnip truck.

Uebermilf, it's ok if you're in ueberlove with me. Take comfort in the fact that you're not alone in that regard. To millions of people, I am the beloved of their unrequited love. In fact I wish I was slightly less awesomely lovable because I want there to be less sorrow in this world.

But we can't all have what we want, can we?

Wednesday roundup

2008-04-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

The weather is nice and it's shortening my attention span. So here are some quick thoughts:

Looks like Clinton won just enough in PA to continue the race, but not change the whole doomedness aspect of her campaign. That's exactly what we needed. Maybe they'll hold another dozen debates or so. I recommend all readers not turn on any cable news channel from now until August, after the convention.

The San Jose Sharks advance to the second round in the hockey playoffs. The twelve other NHL fans remaining in the US agree with me that this year the playoffs have been very good.

Earth Day came and went, but I missed it. We need a new way of celebrating Earth Day, and I think I have it. Mother Earth may be an anthropomorphic goddess symbol of purity, but she's also a woman, with needs. I say next Earth Day we celebrate by finding a nice field somewhere and dry humping the planet.

Someone isn't getting a Christmas card this year

2008-04-22T00:16:00.000-07:00

Uebermilf's unsavory comment from yesterday:

I think the poll should be, "Which Jiggsblogger are you most excited about?"

I pick Slappy.

Just kidding Uebermilf... You were never getting a Christmas card in the first place.

Summer Olympics

2008-04-21T08:05:00.000-07:00

Apparently the Chinese are pissed off at the French for the protests at the torch relay. It strikes me as rather odd, since there were protests everywhere along the route, except in India where the government decided to close down India to clear a path for the torch. As Booty pointed out, in San Francisco there was a protest/counterprotest to rival the Sharks and the Jets. But the Chinese decided to pick on the French just for the sheer hell of it. Perhaps the US and China can get along after all.

New Olympic poll on the left sidebar.

Friday excitement

2008-04-18T05:45:00.000-07:00

Hey, Forbidden Kingdom is being released this weekend! Jet Li and Jackie Chan, together again for the first time. At long last we will get to see Jet Li's austere dignity play off of Jackie Chan's playful irreverence. I can't wait to see the integration of wire works and dangerous stunts. And to think, it's taken this long for Hollywood to pick up and distribute the film, which was filmed in 1992 at the height of both Li and Chan's careers.

What? It was filmed last year, while Li was taking time off from Lethal Weapon 5 and Chan was negotiating his salary for Rush Hour 4? Well, at least they didn't make the story center around some white kid from Brooklyn.
Son of a bitch.

Charlton Heston Couldn't Survive Shootout with Life

2008-04-17T01:26:00.000-07:00

I know that this is two weeks too late, but it took me that long to deal with death of this American hero and fabled gunslinger. So to commemorate his passing, I am reposting the "All I Need to Know About Life" poster that I made for Sir Heston. Enjoy or Re-enjoy as the case may be:

To hell with it

2008-04-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

So I just read that vitamins might actually be bad for you. This either indicates that artificial supplements interfere with the natural bodily defenses, or that health researchers have been fucking with us all along.

If anybody needs me, I'll be eating donuts and bacon for breakfast.

More like Craptastic

2008-04-15T02:14:00.000-07:00

We just got a tivo today. It was 65$ refurbished. It makes me feel powerful... like a god.

Once upon a time, we had a DVR through Comcast. It totally sucked. The Comcast DVR is the worst piece of consumer electronics ever built. It is the steaming turd of DVRs. In a word, the Comcast CVR is craptastic.

However, after canceling our fancy comcast cable package, we didn't have a dvr. And even a sucky piece of crap dvr like the terrible comcast dvr is better than nothing. Without a DVR I was forced to watch America's Next Top Model at 8 o'clock like a mere commoner. It was an affront to my sophisticated lifestyle.

But we're past that now, aren't we? Hurrah!

If Comcast was a person, I'd punch them in the mouth. I can't decide whether "craptastic" is more appropriate than "sucktastic". And what about "steaming-turdastic"?

What I learned this weekend:

2008-04-14T05:36:00.001-07:00

Every now and then you can fluster a poker dealer at a casino. Like when a large fellow deals your first winning hand to end a long losing streak, if you tell him that you love him and want to have his babies, that'll do it. [ed note: probably wouldn't be as effective if you are a lady]

On the subject of pregnant dudes, I read the BBC online, and have grown accustomed to their love of air quotes. Like saying: Crime in Glasgow 'worse than NY'. Well, when the pregnant dude story broke, the BBC had the headline: US man is 'pregnant'. But he was actually born a woman, so he has a womb, and they just stopped the hormone treatment to make it work again. So with all due respect to the happy couple, shouldn't the headline read: US 'man' is pregnant?

It's always in the last place you look

2008-04-11T06:33:00.000-07:00

Hey, has anyone seen Jiggs's self esteem? He probably was reading someone else's blog and left it there, so keep an eye out for it.

You can recognize Jiggs's self esteem as it looks a little like Abe Vigoda's head on Joey Lawrence's body. In all likelihood it will be playing the guitar and/or talking about how large its penis is.

The dodo blog

2008-04-11T03:27:00.000-07:00

There are a few of you hangers on that still read and comment on this blog. We appreciate you immensely. And by that I mean that I get a mild erection when I think about you.

However, the trend is obvious. As fewer and fewer people visit, the character of the blog changes. The blog is slowly reverting back to the days when it was just Slappy and me making posts that no one ever read. Back then, if even one person commented, it was an accident more unlikely than the evolution of man. And I can see it in our future.

Don't cry for us. In this Darwinian blogosphere, we are going the way of the dodo. It's just the natural order of things. And besides that, I'll do enough weeping for us all!

p.s. The first post ever for this blog was:

Tasty thinks Trader Joe's beer tastes like bananas and liquid smoke. I think it tastes like someone taking a dump in my mouth.

Classic.

Who reads JiggsCasey.com?

2008-04-10T05:28:00.000-07:00

The results of our highly scientific study are on the left sidebar. Very interesting, very unexpected, very scientificky.

I expected to see an even balance of geek and nerd, followed by super awesome, with spaz in fourth place. Basically, I see our target demographic as Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Instead, our readers are more than 50% super awesome. That's a big finding. How big? Bill Nye is indicating how big our readers' dicks are. In the case of our lady readers, he is indicating how big their metaphorical dicks are.

He seems very excited about it.

Free Tibet, or something.

2008-04-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here on my usually empty and quiet train, thinking to myself, "It's awfully loud and crowded today." For those that don't know, the Olympic torch makes its one and only appearance today in the United States, in San Francisco. The Olympic committee probably chose SF because of the large asian population. This is backed up by the fact that I'm currently surrounded by the dialog of 100 Kung Fu movies, and all the people are wearing "Beijing 2008" shirts.

However, what the Olympic committee seems to have forgotten is that San Francisco not only has the largest asian population in the country, but it also has the largest nutcase protester population in the country. Sitting right across from the "Beijing 2008" t-shirt wearers are the "Free Tibet" t-shirt wearers. As they got on, they were saying things like, "I can't believe these people support the olympics. Don't they realize all of those American tourist dollars are going to go straight to Sudan and Darfur!" Yeah, because those tourist dollars are going to be the tipping point that gives China the freedom to fund that sort of stuff. The billions of dollars we already give them though Wal-Mart are only used for good wholesome things, like sending us Chow Yun Fat and Yao Ming.

ps. The train conductor just had to get on the PA and remind everyone that there is only one bathroom on the train for 660 people, and they need to move quicker. It's going to be a hell of a train ride...

He's a grower, not a shower

2008-04-09T01:54:00.001-07:00

This is total reverse sexism!