jiggscasey.com

Admiral Snackbar

2009-10-31T02:02:00.000-07:00

Ok. I think I finally thought of a phrase that isn't on the internet.

Enjoy my brand new phrase: Scrotisserie Chicken!

It's the combination of "scrotum" and "rotisserie chicken!" Obviously, scrotisserie chicken is a euphemism for the man junk area both because the penis is a rod and it's also a cock. I.e. A rotisserie and a chicken.

I got married.

2009-10-27T23:53:00.000-07:00

The few of you that were wondering whatever happened to me now know the answer: I got married. And being married and having a real job makes it darn near impossible for me to blog.

And in case you're wondering if this is another one of my elaborate ruses, enjoy the following picture of my wife and I after the ceremony. We are positively glowing:

Blogging is so retro!

2009-10-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

These days, people don't blog anymore. Sites like facebook and twitter have made it so much easier to share your thoughts with your friends that blogging seems antiquated.

In fact, I went to the trouble of joining those sites just to see what all the fuss was about, and I quickly realized something: Facebook and twitter are totally fucking stupid!

On facebook and twitter, people feel free to tell you every trivial and/or moronic thought that sprints through their feeble minds. It just makes me want to tell the whole world to "shut the hell up!"

I long for the days when people blogged and at least tried to be thoughtful. You know, the good old days...

Blinded by the light...

2009-10-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night....

What was Manfred Mann's Earth Band implying here? is lead singer Chris Thompson referencing crapping his pants in his sleep?

Another fun fact... this was a cover of Bruce Springsteen's first single, which didn't garner much success. The Boss's original lyric was "And she was blinded by the light/Cut loose like a deuce another runner in the night/blinded by the light/She got down but she never got tight, but she'll make it alright", which again seems to imply some form of night-pooping...but perhaps with bouts of constipation on the road to empty bowels?

It's a rich tapestry, music.

The downfall of this blog...

2009-10-05T23:37:00.000-07:00

makes me really sad, even though I'm partially to blame. Where else will people go to read stupid jokes? Like parodied-real-movie-name porno titles?

In other news, I was recently inspired to peruse the internet and see if anyone actually made 'Buttplugs at Tiffany's' or 'The Curious Case of Benjamin's Butthole'

I have been scooped again

2009-07-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Once again, I thought I had invented a new word. This time it was the word "smegmalomaniac" which is a hilarious combination of "smegma" and "megalomaniac", obviously meaning one who is obsessed with their own smegma. However, as is always the case, some other moron with internet access had already made up the word.

Thanks a lot internet. You suck.

Friction between water molecules killed the cat

2009-07-21T01:12:00.000-07:00

The difference between a child and a cat: when a child is being naughty, you can't put it in the microwave.

Oscar Mayer dead: body ground up and put into hot dogs

2009-07-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

What's a better word for a strange penis-vagina hybrid: vageenis or penginas?

Taiwanese Girls Successful Story

2009-07-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

Tasty and I watched the first 3 minutes of a terrible east Asian soap opera (the stupidly named "Taiwanese girl successful story.") Then btown suggested that renowned chef Bobby flay should make a guest appearance. If Bobby flay were to make such an appearance, I'd bet that he'd make that Taiwanese woman's vagina a pallet for his bold semen.

Good News... Bad News

2009-06-17T00:19:00.000-07:00

The good news is that I got a job a few weeks ago. The bad news is that I have no free time anymore to sit around and blog and play video games. Honestly, it kind of sucks.

So updates to the blog will be infrequent, but I'll still think about you... when I masturbate.

Another TV appearance.

2009-06-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

Booty managed to score us some sweet tix to Conan's first tonight show!!!! Jiggs and I, being as ever-demanding of TV coverage by the sheer power of our presence, were once again awesomely visible... thanks in part to the foam Conan hair we scored that one time we saw him in San Francisco:

Booty is in another shot, but I haven't had time to photoshop a ski-mask onto his face yet.

As soon as NBC provides an HD downloadable version through their new beta 'NBC direct' dealio, I'll try and get some more high-res shots.

Openings are being filled

2009-05-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

This is a picture from the "massage therapy" place down the street from my place. Notice that in one window, they have three "open" signs (and they have a fourth in the adjacent window which you can sort of see the reflection of).

This "massage therapy" place always has those thick curtains up, so you can never see inside. Additionally, they have a peephole in their opaque wooden door. And usually if you're walking by, and the door opens for a "client", the person opening the door stands behind it so you don't see them. Except for this one time, when I saw an Asian chick with a nightie on.

Anyway, what I don't understand is why a massage parlor feels the need to advertise its openness with such redundancy. I get it: You're open and you provide oily handjobs. You don't need to be so aggressive about it, though.

We kicked its ass!!!

2009-04-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

The washer-dryer unit in our place was rattling... and we totally fucking fixed it! Take that you son of a bitch dryer! We kicked your ass! Your exhaust fan ain't never gonna spin free no more!

In case you're counting, this is the second time we fixed the shit out of the same washer-dryer unit. The first time, the motor for the wash basin broke, and we ordered a new one from kenmore and installed it ourselves.

The 1919s: 2; Washer-Dryer unit: 0

BOOM!

Pure liquid evil

2009-04-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

I have started using pepto bismol whenever I suffer from the symptoms associated with pepto bismol. However, there is a frightening, but completely safe side effect associated with taking the stuff. Namely, that it turns your excrement black as night. And once, upon continuing to experience diarrhea after taking some pepto, it was as if I spewed out pure liquid evil. It was blacker than the heart of Satan, and certainly was crude, but it was not oil. What I'm saying is that it makes my doodies black.

Dear news media,

2009-04-13T08:48:00.000-07:00

The rescue of the freighter captain from Somali pirates is awesome, but not a military victory for Obama. It's a great day for everyone involved (except the pirates), but by definition, you cannot complete the phrase "military victory" with "over four Somalis in a lifeboat."

That is all. Carry on.

Where angels fear to tread...

2009-04-04T02:37:00.000-07:00

I recently discovered that "tread" has a secondary meaning. In addition to describing a way of moving, it also refers to birds doing it. More specifically, a male bird copulating with a female. For example, one could say, "Big Bird TROD Snufflelupagus all night long."

Wait... Is Big Bird a male bird? Regardless, enjoy the destruction of your youthful innocence!

I guess I really am in the minority...

2009-03-30T13:14:00.001-07:00

I had a conversation with Jiggs and B-town a few months ago about the use of the underwear penis-flap for the purposes of urination.

They both thought I was crazy for telling them that I use it at least 50-75% of the time when I'm at the urinal.

...and I thought they were crazy for seeming so resolute in their outrage....

but I saw a 'random statistic' online yesterday that confirmed their position. apparently 85% of men don't use the flap.

...to which I say, why they hell not?

It's so convenient!!!

Podcast 9 is live... HEAR IT!

2009-03-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

iToonles. We need the lady-listener's opinions on this one....

My cat has been stealing from me

2009-03-15T08:12:00.000-07:00

We've been finding loose change all around the apartment this past last week. This morning we caught one of our two cats grab a dime off my dresser and run off with it in her mouth. I still don't know how she got my credit card number though...

Who ogles the Watchmen?

2009-03-10T03:17:00.000-07:00

Tasty and I saw Watchmen. It was pretty fucking awesome. And one of many nice things about it was that it had just the right amount of nudity in it.

My general stance on movies is this: every R-rated film should have nudity, specifically hot naked babes possibly having hot naked sex. However, differing amounts of nudity are appropriate depending on the genre of the film.

A comic-book-based action movie set in a dystopian society, such as watchmen, needs to have enough nudity to feel a little tickle in the groin region, but not so much as to distract from the darkness, helplessness and general malaise associated with the watchmen universe. And might I just add that Malin Akerman has a booty that just won't quit, not even for a sandwich and a glass of milk... Also, who would have thought that digitally-generated, blue cock would be so visually appealing?

Logan's Run, on the other hand, is a huge let down in the nudity department. That dystopian society is supposed to be based on youth and sexuality. We barely get a glimpse of boobies, and there's no blue cock to be seen. It's just not right.

Poor Jimmy Fallon

2009-03-03T01:33:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched the premiere of jimmy fallon's show. It was not good. It was only slightly more watchable than Carson Daly's show, and that was with Robert DeNiro, Justin Timberlake and Van Morrison as guests. Granted, I have high expectations for the 12:30 slot because of the awesomeness of Conan. Although I don't remember what Conan's first show was like. Maybe it was also bad...

Podcast 8 is live.

2009-02-27T11:13:00.000-08:00

Grab it via iTunes . Also, see Slappy's post below

Dropping in

2009-02-27T10:42:00.002-08:00

I know it's been a while, but I'm buying a house and it's been taking every last shred of time and brain cells for many weeks. The paperwork is killing me. Last night I had to fax a copy of my balls to Wells Fargo. And that's just for pre-approval!

I know, I would have expected a better joke after so long too. I'm as disappointed as you are.

It's a catch 401k

2009-02-26T03:12:00.000-08:00

You'd think being unemployed would be a boon to my blogging abilities. On the contrary, being unemployed sucks the creativity right out of me, and it is just generally depressing.

There's no hahas in this post.

More like the curious case of Benjamin butthole

2009-02-22T22:56:00.000-08:00

Starring brad shit!

It's two terrible puns working in tandem!!