My Family Coach: Women Discuss Life, Relationships & Parenting

Boy Soldier

2009-10-26T16:28:00.018-04:00

He marched down the corridor, head held high, with his own version of a soldier's helmet. A tub used for carrying around blocks was reincarnated as a red helmet with a plastic chin strap. How proud he looked as he marched in tempo to his own drum! This boy was out to win the war.

How do we feel when we see a child play soldier? We recoil as we think of the untold numbers of young boys killed on the battlefield.

As a result of our adult fears and experiences, we may try to steer our children into forms of play which we deem acceptable. "That tub is used for blocks, put it back;" or "I don't want to see you playing soldier again!" We project our feelings onto our children and, as a result, may limit the type or quantity of play in which they engage.

That is a mistake.

Play is crucial to children's development. As research at the University of Gloucestershire demonstrates, play "helps children to develop their range of responses to situations, experiences and relationships. By playing... children develop resilience and the ability to adapt."

When we limit our children's imaginary play we prevent them from exploring their full range of emotions. Indeed, the children's classic picture book and recent motion picture, Where the Wild Things Are, depicts some of the monsters that figuratively fill our children's brains. Should we censor these media because we - not our children - are afraid of them?

Similarly, when we limit the time given for spontaneous play because our children's days are filled with structured activities and technological bangs and whistles, we impinge on their ability to cope with common life stresses. Play gives them the opportunity of "being in and out of control." They become masters of their own universe in which they test out various strategies to conquer their enemies.

We as a society may have forgotten how to play. We have become so obsessed with external achievement, success, and recognition that we abandon the gems that can be found within. Children haven't yet lost that treasure. Don't bury it for them.

The Way She Walks

2009-10-21T10:41:00.014-04:00

Her shoulders catch my eye. Thrust back with the confidence of the young, they bridge a petite body which looks firm and healthy. Her white blouse reflects the bright sun while her chin-length brown hair swings rhythmically from side to side, mimicking the cadence of her walk. Her head is tilted back and she looks around as if eager to observe everything.

Oh, the assurance of youth! The lass struts along with the ease of nature, traversing cracks and uneven patches of sidewalk that would trip a more unbalanced soul.

I follow the youngster down the street where she lives, basking in the shadow of her enthusiasm. I know that once she leaves I will slow down to my usual pace and get lost in the myriad thoughts of my mind.

"How long will she maintain that stance?" I wonder. I recall the teenage girl I saw walking in the park the other day. Her dark hair covered her face as she bent forward, looking down at the path beneath her feet. Shoulders hunched, her half-filled backpack seemed too heavy for her to carry. When did it begin to weigh her down?

Research tells us that before age 11, girls embody their essential selves: They’re full of confidence, speak their minds, and flaunt their smarts. By the time they reach 15 or 16, however, they’ve submerged their own identity to please their parents, attract boys, and comply with the cultural expectations for females. They keep quiet in class, say “I don’t know” when they do, and choose English and a foreign language over math and sciences, the tougher courses.*

Pressure on girls stems from many source and leads to increasingly fragile self-esteem as they grow from childhood through adolescence to adulthood.

I watch the little girl in front of me enter her house and offer a silent prayer that she grow up in a world that will protect her and respect her individuality.

*Shapiro, Patricia Gottlieb. My Turn: Women’s Search for Self After the Children Leave. Princeton, NJ: Peterson’s, 1996.

Common Sense Ruling

2009-10-15T09:30:00.015-04:00

The other day I babysat for my infant granddaughter. I had heard of the EASY rule for infants: Eat, Activity, Sleep, Your (the mother's) Time, popularized by Tracy Hogg, in Secrets of The Baby Whisperer : How To Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby. It made sense so I tried it.

After checking that Mom had nursed and changed her, I played with the baby and when she became cranky bundled her up and rocked her to sleep. This method worked twice, although each time the baby slept for only short periods of time. I congratulated myself on doing such a wonderful job following the rule.

Then EASY was no longer so easy. The third time I tried putting the baby to sleep she just wouldn't relax and drift off like she did before. Her cries were persistent. This baby was clearly not ready for sleep. Her cries indicated she needed something else; only after being fed some more did she happily enter somnolence.

We love rules because they allow us to feel in control of an otherwise unpredictable, possibly threatening situation. School officials, for example, make rules for a particular school or for an entire school district. How well do their rules work?

A recent incident involving a 6-year-old boy illustrates the problem. As reported in The NY Times, this Cub Scout was so excited about his new foldable eating utensil containing a fork, spoon and knife that he brought it to school to use during lunch. However, his school had a zero tolerance policy for bringing weapons to school.

The child was suspended and ordered to spend 45 days in a disciplinary school.

He is currently being home-schooled by his mother while his parents challenge the ruling.

Ironically, "a third-grade girl was expelled for a year because her grandmother had sent a birthday cake to school, along with a knife to cut it. The teacher called the principal — but not before using the knife to cut and serve the cake."

Do we need more proof that some rules result in ludicrous, disproportionately negative consequences?

We need to protect our children from harm and unfortunately can no longer assume that our public schools are safe havens. Administrators, to shortcut their oversight over every student, set down certain rules for everyone. But, as a follow-up editorial states, “Use Common Sense" should be at the top of the list for the state.

Another rule, enacted into law by many states, is the controversial three strikes law. This law is meant to deal with repeat offenders. The unforeseen result is the incarceration of individuals convicted of crimes extremely divergent in severity who serve the same prolonged imprisonment.

Rules delude us into thinking we're in charge; we're omniscient and know what to expect; we can prevent mishaps.

It's a myth.

There is no rule book which will cover all situations for every child nor every adult. People are too complex to fit into neat categories.

Instead, we have to work harder and longer to decipher one another's needs and behavior and to set appropriate limits.

Specifically, we have to look and listen, to be vigilant for signals of distress, strong emotions or irrational behavior. Learning how to interpret these signals requires a commitment that few people are willing to make.

Building bridges is slow work. But a strong bridge of communication can withstand the test of time.

Wellness Step #4: Redefining Success

2009-10-14T16:32:00.009-04:00

Almost three weeks have passed since my first step into my current wellness program, but I am still at the beginning.

To be honest, I've had more failures than successes, if one counts the number of mornings that I've awakened at the time set by my (two) alarms. I've tried every trick my sleepy head could conjure to avoid getting up and out of bed: I've changed the time to 1/2 hour later; I've shut off the alarm while lying down, rationalizing that I need my sleep; I've justified my lack of follow-through by saying, "It's okay. I'm not perfect. I don't have to keep to such a rigid schedule."

I have learned in the past three weeks that most of us will fight with every ounce of physical and mental energy to maintain old habits and avoid change.

It's time to become more honest with myself. I hope to decide ahead of time whether I will adhere to my goal of awakening early the next morning or not; either way will be acceptable. If I choose the goal of awakening early to take time for myself, I will sit up in bed before shutting off the alarm and will not lay down again. If I choose to take the morning off, I will not set the alarm for an early time but rather the time necessary to meet my responsibilities to others. For some reason, the latter is not a problem.

Responsibility to others has always taken precedence for me. Growing up I was a late riser, as I mentioned in a previous blog, but once I had children or job requirements, I awoke as early as necessary. So how and why did I begin tackling this longstanding habit of mine?

The answer lies in the realization I reached some time ago that I am responsible for my own well-being. In order to reach the state of well-being, however, I needed to undertake wellness activities; namely, healthy eating, sleeping, exercise and rest. After much deliberation, along with years of denial, I finally began. Little by little, in fits and false starts, I approached life in a new way. Each day became an opportunity to do something new, something small.

I have learned to be more patient, to set the bar lower and allow myself more leeway. I still see the goal-post in front of me but I no longer dream of making a touchdown. I am content to make any progress that I can.

This process has indeed taken a long time; not one or two years, but more than a decade of slow, inconsistent yet incremental growth.

I'm a slow changer but that's okay. Every step has been an achievement and I no longer need to reach the end goal. Success is the ability to stay on the path.

Wellness Step #3: Action

2009-09-24T21:36:00.008-04:00

I was awakened by the radio this morning. I slowly opened my eyes and was about to shut it off as usual, turn over and go back to sleep. Suddenly I remembered: I have to sit up before turning it off. Okay. I'll try it.

Amazing! It really made a difference to change from a horizontal to vertical position. When I sat up my body naturally straightened, my feet landed on the floor and my eyes opened wide to look around. My mental set changed from night to day. The weather report entered my consciousness, not as a lullaby but as comprehensible information. After hearing enough, I turned off both the radio and buzzer without laying back down. I was up. My first successful awakening in years.

Part 1 of my plan worked. By changing my physical movement I changed the context of my awakening. I was not fighting off sleep while I lie on my pillow and listened to the radio. Without realizing it, I had already begun my morning routine by sitting up in bed before shutting off the radio alarm.

Part 2 of the plan was definitely helpful. I didn't need to report to anyone in particular; unexpectedly, the knowledge that I'd be blogging about my success or failure - that I was publicly accountable - drove me to succeed with my plan.

We tend to keep our goals private. We strive to change our behaviors, e.g., eating and sleep habits, drinking, smoking, exercise or general lifestyle behaviors without telling anyone. Yet, the most successful changers are the ones who do share their goals and their successes/setbacks with others. Opening up to the world impels one to take on the challenge because we don't want to disappoint other people. Like the children we once were, we avoid shame and seek approval.

Lastly, I went to sleep earlier last night than in previous nights, although it was not easy to call it quits. Doing so meant that I had stopped questioning the importance of my goal but took it seriously. I truly wanted to succeed. I accepted responsibility for my own welfare.

Tomorrow is another day. I wonder how it will begin.

Wellness Step #2: Analyzing Failure

2009-09-23T15:21:00.008-04:00

As the title implies, my resolve to wake up on time this morning did not succeed in pushing me out of bed. Although I neither snoozed the alarm nor shut it off, I slept right through the radio blaring in my ear!

Rather than give up, I will take Step #2 towards my wellness goal: I will confront this temporary setback and analyze what needs to be changed. I've been through this before. I remember the frustration and disappointment when my first experiment in graduate school failed; I had to start all over again. That happened several times before I had enough data to warrant going further towards my doctoral research.

More personally, how many times did I try to stop biting my nails before I finally succeeded?

Physical habits are indeed hard to modify, especially when the results are not immediately evident.

So let's examine the flaws in my plan:

1. The alarm did not arouse me. Truthfully, I enjoy listening to the traffic and weather in the morning to get a sense of what lay ahead. This enjoyment enhances rather than diminishes a sense of relaxation and somnolence.

2. The incentive was insufficient to impact on my behavior. I forgot about the sugar topping to my cereal as I lay in bed; it had no meaning for me. The incentive will need to be directly tied my behavior.

3. I did not set the stage for success. I went to sleep close to midnight last night thereby stacking the cards against my awakening early the next morning. If I want to succeed I have to prepare for optimal functioning.

Modified plan:

1. I will set a buzzer alarm to follow the radio. If I shut off the radio and don't arise the unpleasant noise of the buzzer will do the job. I will uncover myself and sit up before closing either the radio or buzzer and will not lay down again.

2. I will attach a social consequence to my success by telling my spouse or friend whenever I wake up early or on time.

3. I will go to sleep early the night before so that I am not too exhausted to wake up the next morning. My need for sleep has increased over the years and accepting this aspect of aging is necessary for my success.

Patience and fortitude are what I need. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Wellness Step #1: Resolution

2009-09-22T15:21:00.017-04:00

I woke up hungry this morning and looked forward to breakfast. I thought about a topping I could add to my cereal, one that might add sugar and calories but would be enjoyable and a change from the usual.

At the same time, I was feeling frustrated. Once again I had overslept. I had awakened before the alarm but, rather than get out of bed, I waited for the alarm. Then, when the alarm rang, I snoozed it and promptly fell back to sleep!

This is my battle. I have thought about this battle for a long time and have moved through Prochaska's stages of change until I reached this point.

I now recognize that when I have a responsibility to others I wake up and arise without a problem; I am rarely late for appointments. But I ignore the clock when the responsibility is only to me. I forego my desire to practice what I preach - to take time for myself first thing in the morning - and close that precious window.

I've always been a "night person" which means that growing up I stayed up and rose late the next morning whenever possible. It's been a challenge to overcome these adolescent habits when I am the only one to suffer from them.

Suddenly, I thought of a way to hold myself accountable: I would use my breakfast as an incentive! No, I wouldn't sacrifice my nutrition but I would use the topping that I enjoyed so much as a simple yet clear reward for my awakening before or when the alarm rang: If I snooze the alarm or sleep, I suffer the consequence!

I know at first glance this matter seems trivial. Yet it is a template for many other battles that women fight to prioritize our wellness, empower ourselves to accept the challenge and equip ourselves with the tools to succeed.

This is Day #1 of my new wellness program, the date of my resolution to change. Tomorrow will be Day #1 for getting up on time.

Question: What do you want to change? What will help you move closer to your goal?

Lost Opportunity

2009-09-17T17:09:00.010-04:00

As soon as I sneezed, I knew something was wrong. Looking at the droplets on my palm, I recalled today's NY Times article with chagrin. It recommends you cough or sneeze into the crook of your elbow, not your bare hands to prevent the transmission of viral disease.

This was yet another instance where habit overcame knowledge.

How many times have I struggled to change a habit, only to find that I slipped into it without thinking? How many times have I thought, "I know I shouldn't be doing this," and then do it anyway?

It took years - not days/weeks/months - to change physical habits such as biting my nails and it's taken me even longer to change my attitude and behaviors.

Along the way, I've developed forgiveness for myself and compassion for others. We are only human, as the saying goes, and therefore apt to make mistakes and repeat them despite their negative consequences.

But human also means changeable, which gives us much hope. Nothing is permanent, not even viruses.

It's time to wash my hands and try again.

Therapy in Modern Times

2009-09-14T13:40:00.004-04:00

Have you every thought of entering therapy? If not, you're behind the times.

Therapy used to be the property of the rich and famous, e.g. Woody Allen's decade long psychoanalysis. Freud remains undeniably the best-known practitioner of therapy, with images of the silent male therapist sitting behind the patient, as she lay on the couch confiding her dreams and free associations.

There have been major changes since the days of Freud and his students. More people participate in therapy for shorter periods of time, even for single sessions; research into the effectiveness of various types of therapy has debunked old myths about the origins of emotional problems; and therapists and their work have become open to scrutiny and higher standards of accountability.

No longer will you be asked to attend therapy for an indeterminate period of time, several times a week, and "trust" the therapist to "know what's best" for you. This paternal attitude has, thank g-d, passed away with Freud.

But this leaves greater responsibility on you to determine what works and what doesn't.

Therapy has become the modus vivendi for the American public. One columnist - Bob Herbert of the NY Times - even recommends therapy for the entire government!

Therapy cannot solve all of our problems. For the individual seeking growth and change, however, it can be a good start.

Book for Cat Lovers

2009-09-09T15:15:00.004-04:00

Dewey: A Small-Town Library Cat Who Changed the World, by Vicki Myron is a book that book- and cat-lovers alike will enjoy.

The pace of the book is slow and relaxed; its simple descriptions set the context for meaningful and thought-provoking narration by Dewey's owner.

When you want to curl up at night and prepare for sleep, do so with this book in hand. Your blood pressure and anxiety levels will take a nose-dive as you view your life from a feline perspective.

Are You Ready for School?

2009-09-08T10:26:00.007-04:00

There's no question about it. I was as nervous as my children at the beginning of each school year. The beginning of September brought pre-school jitters - maybe on par with my preschoolers - mixed with both sadness and relief that the summer was over. I was awash with emotions.

My usual defense against this emotional onslaught was to go full swing into preparation and control. I made lists, schedules, daily and weekly objectives. I tried to think of everything, and I mean every little thing, that my children might need for the coming school year. If there was a sale for school supplies, I was there.

My children were as eager as I to prepare for school. Our mutual excitement hid our nervousness about the unknown that lay ahead: "Who will I know in the class? Who will the teacher be? How hard will be the work? Can I measure up? Will I make a fool of myself the first day?" I thought about these questions as much as did my children!

So I prepared further. Besides buying everything that my children did and did not need, I made the house ready for school. First, we put away the summer supplies, clothes and accessories and organized those for school; then, we bought snacks and drinks for the first few weeks and put them on a special shelf. Second, I began to wean my children off their summer time frame and put them to bed earlier. This change was not easy; although the days in any case were getting shorter many of their friends still stayed up late at night and woke up late in the morning. This change also meant I had to awaken earlier in the morning. Who wants to give up summer fun?

But I tried to stick to my preparations. I thought of this time as too important to ignore. I even tried to wake up before my children so that I could get my head together and be ready for whatever mood and behavior I might encounter.

As I look back, I remember the many days when despite my best intentions the evening or morning was tense and one or more children ended up in tears. But I tried my best. I wanted to succeed as much as did my children. We were in this together.

Stuck on Words

2009-09-01T09:49:00.013-04:00

The Chairman of the National Republican Committee, Michael Steele, was recently interviewed by NPR reporter, Steve Inskeep. And they got stuck on words.

The Chairman was the first to attack: "You're doing a wonderful little dance here and trying to be cute," he stated. Inskeep entered the fray by replying, " I respect that you feel that I'm doing a dance here," and counterattacked, "You are giving me a very nice, nuanced position here." The Chairman then became defensive.

Their first dance finally ended when Inskeep recognized it as leading them into a wall and said, "Maybe we're getting hung up on the word 'nuanced;' maybe I should say, 'complicated.'"

But Inskeep, rather than end the performance, started anew. He attacked Steele again by asking, "Do you find it challenging to get into this complicated debate and explain things to people in a way that it's honest to the facts and still very clear and doesn't kind of scare people with sound bites?"

Steele parried, "Look, no one's trying to scare people with sound bites."

These two intelligent men were arguing in public in front of a national audience. They attacked and defended their positions as if they were two children in the playground.

How many of us get hung up on words?

How many of our arguments deteriorate into Who Said What?, a personal version of Abbott and Costello's heated comical debate, Who's on First?

Getting beyond individual words and recognizing the quicksand into which we've fallen takes courage. One person needs to take a deep breath, step back and pull the other out of the pit of recrimination.

The ability to stop, look and listen ensures the safety of adults in conversation as much as children crossing the street. It is the strength we seek when involved in a relationship.

Think of your conversations as public and you will avoid being the laughingstock of your own conscience.

What Makes a Good Parent?

2009-08-19T13:17:00.018-04:00

A friend of mine who teaches swimming invited me to her pool this summer. I asked her to observe me swim and suggest ways to improve my strokes. She watched for awhile and tried hard to correct my technique. It didn't work. I'd swim briefly the new way and then revert to my habitual style.

Driving is another important life skill. I learned to drive the usual way; I memorized the driver's manual, passed the written test and received a permit to drive. The information I gained served a very limited purpose; it enabled me to get on the road but it did not teach me how to drive. In fact, research has shown that Driver's Education courses do not lower the rate of accidents for young drivers. What does improve safety, experts say, is experience -many hours of behind-the-wheel practice with a parent in the passenger seat.

Ironically, one becomes a parent without supervised practice, a requisite body of knowledge or a license. The experience of parenting does help - the third child is often easier to parent than the first - but how many of us know what we’re doing?

Unlike the beginning swimmer or driver, we jump into parenting armed only with our childhood memories.

A few adults grew up with excellent role models and assume the parenting role with confidence. But the majority of us need supplemental education and support to improve our parenting skills. Unfortunately, to return to the swimming analogy, we're often immersed so deeply in the pool of life that we're using all our energies to stay afloat.

The sooner we recognize the weaknesses of our approach the more successful we'll be in correcting them. Thus we need to 1) take responsibility for our continuing education and 2) recognize that the goal is not perfection but growth.

Learning is a lifelong endeavor; so is parenting.

A good parent is a parent in motion; one who enjoys the moment yet recognizes that the future is right around the bend and she needs to prepare for it. Understanding the road signs will help prevent one from steering off the road completely. But every parent like every driver makes mistakes, especially if the road is winding or steep. Mistakes are the sine qua non of learning.

Good parenting depends on constant movement up a slope whose angle reflects the degree to which one seeks information, tries it out, and learns what works and what doesn't.Too many parents choose to remain on level ground; they maintain ways of parenting that are inappropriate or even harmful to their children.

It is never too late to start moving; the earlier the better.

You can choose to become an active learner rather than passive carrier of your upbringing, to forge a new path rather than trudge along the one you’ve known all your life.

Then you will end your parenting years looking down at what you’ve accomplished rather than up at what you could have done.

Inside the ADHD Mind

2009-08-10T10:01:00.008-04:00

"I wish that I could step into his shoes for a few minutes," the young mother said to me. "I would like to understand what it's like to be so impulsive and act so rashly sometimes. And then to feel the relief when it's over."

Many people wonder what it's like to have ADHD. For many years this neurological disorder was a malady with no name. Parents punished their problematic children and employers fired their irresponsible employees. Only recently have we begun to identify, treat and understand Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD or AD/HD).

Picture a train speeding down the tracks. It usually slows down at curves, stops at junctions, and proceeds cautiously through train stations.

Now picture a train with a faulty speedometer. Eighty mph is shown as 40 and 100 mph is 50. The engineer doesn't know he's traveling too fast and therefore misses the warning signs and doesn't hear the blast from the other train. He's as shocked as everyone else when his train jumps the curve or crashes into another train!

The engineer is mortified. He doesn't know that his instruments are faulty. He thought he was going a great job before he got into this accident. Yet everyone is blaming him and saying that he's a "bad" person for causing so much damage and harm.

This is a person that suffers from AD/HD.

The child or adult with AD/HD is not to blame for his lack of concentration and/or impulsive behavior. The internal mechanisms that govern his behavior were delivered this way from the "factory." And since there is no "return service," we have to do the best we can to modify the system, enabling one part of the machinery to compensate for another.

The engineer, with a newly modified and updated machine at his disposal, can become the best in his region. He can rise to the top of his profession and eventually teach others how to improve their trains as well.

Bedtime problems?

2009-08-07T10:25:00.000-04:00

One of the most frequent referral problems is bedtime.

"My child keeps calling out, coming out of bed, has a hard time falling asleep, can't get up in the morning, is scared to go to bed," goes the litany of woes.

Most mothers are so tired by nighttime that they have little patience for their children's manipulations. They may follow their nightly routines, including time alone with each child, and still the music doesn't end until - hours later - they're ready to collapse.

There might have been threats, yelling and spanking in-between.

It's a song that we don't want to hear. But how do we change the music?

First of all, have you ever noticed that an orchestra, before beginning to play a concert, plays a few notes together? One musician plays a note and the rest follow, tuning their instruments to match the first.

Similarly, one family member often sets the tone for everyone at night. For example, if one child throws a tantrum the others may become whiny. If the children are in a good mood then their parent is happy and vice-versa, if the parent is upbeat then the children are more likely to behave.

The goal is for the parent to "lead the orchestra" through skillful conducting, looking out for members who need individual attention and keeping everyone on the same page. The conductor prompts one section of the orchestra, makes sure another one doesn't dominate, and coaxes those who lag behind. Through consistency, practice and tolerance for mistakes, the parent-conductor can lead the orchestra-family through the entire evening performance.

Bedtime is the coda for the evening. If we want our children to ease peacefully into sleep we need to ensure that the first three movements are performed well. The staccato section should not be at the end but rather in the middle, bordered on either side by legato. There is a time to jump around and a time to relax.

And the conductor, not the musicians, determines when the concert will end. There are no encores.

When Do You Need Help?

2009-08-06T09:35:00.007-04:00

Her pain emanated from her face. Sitting forward in her seat, tense and unsmiling, she recounted her childhood to me: Parents in frequent battle, coming home to an empty house and being molested by a neighbor.

Now she battles anxiety and depression.

This is a fictional account that mimics the many stories that I hear in my practice. It typifies either the human tragedy or the human triumph, according to our ability to overcome adversity and move on.

My parents' generation, for example, overcame the worst debacle that can happen to a person - the destruction of their homes, families and society at the hand of the Nazis - to raise a new generation.

Many of us, through determination and hard work, similarly transcend our histories.

But we pay a price. The outside world doesn't see the wounds; there are no external scars to elicit sympathy. So when we break down and cry they admonish us and say, "What's wrong with you?"

We don't know. Often the wounds are so deep and so painful that it takes much sympathetic treatment to help us feel safe enough to explore the site.

So we carry on. We push aside the feelings until one day, maybe after the birth of another child, the move to another city, the death of a parent or loved one, we suddenly find ourselves no longer able to go on.

The burden has become to heavy to bear.

If you have suffered in the past and/or suffering now, don't wait for a crisis to repair the emotional damage. Trust your feelings. They are there for a reason. When they signal unhappiness, fear, confusion or despair seek the support and help you need. You deserve to live.

Learning to be sad

2009-07-29T09:07:00.006-04:00

"I was such a happy child," the young woman told me. "But then, around the age of 12 or so, I realized that no one took me seriously."

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"When I listened to my mother and her friends I heard them say 'oy' all the time and I found that when I did the same they looked at me as grown up."

"You mean you learned to complain?"

"Yes," she responded. "I learned how to be sad."

Young girls are carefree, confident and self-assured. They're quick to voice their opinions and to take risks. Around the age of 11-12 years, however, when they enter middle school, they often begin to lose this self-confidence. They may withdraw, participate less in class and experience social problems.

The girls begin to lose a sense of themselves.

Researchers have documented this loss of self-esteem and concomitant risk for developing psychological problems in girls. The journey into adolescence goes downhill, as girls begin to sacrifice their strengths for peer acceptance and adult approval.

In the worst-case scenario - which happens all too often - preadolescent and adolescent girls use harmful mechanisms to hide and ultimately deny their troubling thoughts and feelings. Some common ones are eating disorders, acting out behaviors and self-mutilation.

Our girls are suffering to please us.

Furthermore, even those girls who do not exhibit serious psychological problems may step back out of fear of the social repercussions of speaking their minds or acting on their wishes. By the time they reach adulthood, these young women may express their feelings through psychosomatic symptoms. They say they "don't feel well" or complain of inexplicable fatigue.

We are sacrificing our most capable children for the sake of our own standing in the community. Can we allow this to continue?

What can we do?

If problems already exist in the family, then it's important to act quickly and seek professional guidance.

If your daughter is still young, then you have the exquisite opportunity to cherish her and build her strengths as you see them and according to your values. Teach her how to think not what to think; how to ask questions not how to memorize the answers; and how to speak up in a timely and appropriate manner, not swallow bitter feelings that will eat her up inside.

Young saplings need to be staked and protected in order to grow straight. But we don't want to weaken their trunks or destroy their roots. Be careful how you handle them. We want them to bend in the wind, not break.

Wanted: Fathers

2009-07-27T20:32:00.008-04:00

OK, Dads. Admit it. You have a short attention span, somewhere between "Hello, dear" and the end of the 15-second commercial break.

So how can we grab your attention? How can we get across to you that you're needed, wanted and time's a wasting?

From Day 1, children benefit from their fathers' participation in their care. Babies whose fathers play with them, talk to them, feed and soothe them have more advanced motor and problem-solving skills by the end of their first year.

By the time they've reached toddler-hood, children with involved fathers have more secure attachments and are friendlier and more outgoing.

There are notable benefits in particular to sons and daughters. Boys who receive paternal approval and love become more confident in their own masculinity and thus more secure men. They have more confidence and see themselves as winners. They'll be more inclined to take risks, having grown up with a core belief in themselves. (For more benefits, see my blog of 1/14/09 entitled "Why Sons Need Their Fathers.")

Girls, in contrast, experience fathers as a template for their future boyfriends and spouses. Is her father kind, supportive and encouraging? Then she'll look for the same qualities in her intimate partner. Is he cold, distant and aloof; or worse, condescending and abusive? We dread thinking that one's daughter would be attracted to this type of man. But it can and does happen.

So Dad. This is one job you cannot delegate. Your paternal responsibilities began in the delivery room. And, of everything that you give your child, the most important is Y-O-U; your time, your listening ear, your presence.

To achieve your parenting goals, Dad, you need to develop a plan with measurable outcomes and frequent monitoring. You'll need superior time management and organizational skills; i.e., everything a top notch corporation like your family desires and deserves.

This investment will yield high dividends, Dad. You will be a happier man, one who is physically healthier and leading a more fulfilling life.

What better definition of success is there?

The Female Bite

2009-07-20T09:36:00.010-04:00

Summer's a great time for evening walks, except for one problem - mosquitoes. Many couples like to walk at night. They'll be walking along, enjoying the cool air, when zap! One or both of them gets bitten.

Mosquitoes don't discriminate between genders. I don't know how they choose their targets. But the mosquitoes that bite are the females. The females literally suck blood to get the nutrients they need to develop fertile eggs.

So I started thinking...

After giving birth, women continue to need nutrients to feed our young. We require emotional as well as physical "food" to raise healthy children. Where do we get those nutrients? Is it possible that we depend on others the way these female mosquitoes depend on us?

Many of us grew up in the Cinderella era, during which time we were taught to find husbands so that they will "take care of Daddy's little girl." No matter how educated we became, some part of us wanted to remain that little girl who can rely on a man to take care of her.

So we may say to our children, "Just wait until your father comes home!" when we've run out of energy to discipline them. We'll greet our spouses with a litany of complaints and expectations when they walk in the door. If they don't deliver, we zap them. And watch out! A female on the warpath leaves great big welts.

It's easy to fall into the mosquito pattern, to bite the ones we love.

There are other, healthier means of satisfying our emotional needs. Women have an enormous capacity to connect with others. Realistically speaking, our men cannot fulfill our relationship needs. Depending on them to do so results in tension and increasingly distant relationships. The more we complain, the more we cry, the more we display our hysterical feathers, the greater distance our men will run. Bites hurt. The men will withdraw to a safe place and will reach for the best repellent they can find, possibly in the form of an addiction or a more appealing female.

We don't want our homes to become stagnant bodies of water that attract mosquitoes and nothing else. We need to keep moving and growing, so that the waters are constantly refreshed.

We can do better than we're doing now. We can work on our relationship skills and use honey rather than repellent to encourage change. We can learn from others - even from animal trainers - how to improve our marriages.

In addition to satisfying personal relationships, we must develop clear priorities. Sarah Palin, former vice-presidential candidate, recently resigned from her post as Governor of Alaska. Some commentators view her decision as a sign of being a quitter, of her lacking "focus or discipline." Governor Palin, it seems, had too much on her plate.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor, now being considered for the US Supreme Court, is another highly visible example of the difficulties a woman faces who tries to be the best at everything. Her first marriage broke up after two years and, as she states, "I cannot attribute that divorce to work, but certainly the fact that I was leaving my home at 7 and getting back at 10 o’clock was not of assistance in recognizing the problems developing in my marriage.”

Judge Sotomayor's second marriage lasted eight years.

It takes much work to maintain a relationship. That work multiplies when we have children, spouses and elderly parents as part of our families. We can't do everything all the time and to the same degree. We need to choose.

And we alone are responsible for our life choices.

Women have enormous responsibilities, matched only by our capabilities. When we accept the former we can begin to develop the latter.

It's never too late to start anew.

Sotomayor as Expert

2009-07-15T10:43:00.007-04:00

Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearings for the US Supreme Court has been more than a show, as some people claim. It's also been instructive to hear a woman describe in an honest and forthright manner the distinct capacity that a person brings to the bench. She emphasizes that a person is the sum of his or her personality and experiences; to deny that fact could result in the opposite of what we intend - i.e., a judgment based on political or personal prejudices.

To be helpful to others, one must first look at oneself.

I was in therapy many years ago, as I'm sure have been the majority of my colleagues. We enter therapy to more fully understand ourselves and to work out any impediments in our personal and professional lives. Hopefully, we continue to examine ourselves throughout our years in practice.

In psychology as well as law our values are part and parcel of our vision. Psychological theory and technique may comprise the foundation of our work, but our personal experience transforms that theory into practice.

Therefore, it's important that you, the client, agree with your therapist's values. Do not assume that what the therapist says will work for you. The trap is to view the "expert" as someone other than yourself. Therapists can help clear the way to effective living but how you live will be your choice.

Warning Signs: Ignore at Your Peril

2009-07-09T17:45:00.009-04:00

We're experienced hikers. We research trails before setting out, pack sufficient food and water, and try to set out early in the day. We usually listen to the weather report as well. We're very knowledgeable, right?

Knowledge doesn't help unless it leads to action.

That's what I learned on our last hike.

We set out a little later than usual because we had not prepared our packs the night before. No worry. We were going to a trail that was close by. The sun was shining and, although somewhat humid and thunderstorms were predicted later in the day, we had full confidence in our ability to beat the odds and return home well before the storm.

We reached the summit in good time and relaxed at the top, enjoying the 360 degree view. It was fairly hazy in the distance and we promised ourselves to return on a clear autumn day. Then we started the downhill trek.

We walked along, feeling good about our achievement, unworried that we had somehow taken a different trail than the one by which we had ascended. This one was more difficult and involved scrambling down the rocks instead of circumventing them. It was rough going and I was getting anxious: I heard thunder in the distance.

"Let's get down any which way," I exclaimed. "Hurry, before the storm hits!"

We managed to reach the bottom and found the correct trail once again. By this time the clouds had overtaken the sun, the sound of thunder was growing and the wind had picked up. We picked up our pace, trying to keep ourselves from slipping on the loose rock.

It didn't help. We got soaked. Despite the weather report, we had left our slickers behind. We also did not have any emergency first aid, which worried me more.

Suddenly, the lightning flashed so close by and thunder clapped so loudly that I screamed. I put my hands to my ears and trudged forward, not daring to think of the danger of trees falling in the storm. All I could do was focus on the trail and pray that we'd reach the end without any mishap.

We did so, fully drenched and feeling ashamed that we had ignored all the resources at our disposal: the weather report, guidelines for hikers and our own common sense.

Why does one ignore the warning signs, deny the evidence and assume that all will be well? Why do we keep going and pretend that we'll somehow escape the consequences of our own irrational behaviors?

Denial is a powerful mechanism. It protects us from the shock of tragedy. But when it's used to avoid reality it can be deadly.

Don't get caught in the storm. Examine your life and determine if you're on the right path. It's so easy to get lost.

What is your legacy?

2009-07-02T16:44:00.001-04:00

There's a poster of my door that gives one pause. It states

A hundred years from now, it will not matter what your bank account balance was, the sort of house you lived in, or the kind of car you drove, but the world may be different because you were important in the life of a child.

What do you want to be remembered for?

Some people ask themselves this question too late. Bernie Madoff, who swindled millions of dollars from his victims, belatedly realizes that ""I have left a legacy of shame -- as some of my victims have pointed out -- to my children and grandchildren."

Most of us are not criminal in thought or deed, but are we actively using our talents to accomplish something meaningful with our lives? Or are we living on the outskirts of infinity, accumulating temporary pleasures and goods that will not endure beyond the grave?

Enjoyment of this world has its place. But it is not permanent.

Taking Time Out

2009-06-29T20:37:00.007-04:00

I've taken time off these past two weeks to take care of grandchildren. And I plan a mini-vacation next week. This time out from my work leads me to ask, "Why do Americans work so hard, both at work and play?"

Our work ethic seems immune to economic factors. Even when the economy is good we work long hours, reasoning that we need to do so to advance in our careers and/or make more money. Lawyers are a good example. As associates in law firms they work 70+ hours per week, striving to become partners. However, once they become partners, they may work even longer hours to meet client deadlines!

Lawyers are not the only ones who work such long hours. Especially during these difficult economic times people are nervous about keeping their jobs and will work as long as necessary to satisfy their bosses.

The result is an unending cycle of work and worry.

It is only when we take time out that we realize what's truly important to us.

Time out from work, mentally as well as physically, enables us to renew our ties with our families and friends. In the process we restore a healthy balance to our lives. The result is a feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment.

Then we can return to work with the ability to give it our best. That's true success.

Unseen Whales

2009-06-14T16:14:00.001-04:00

The children were part of a group visiting Antarctica. A writer and marine biologist were on board the boat with them. Suddenly, someone cried out, "Look! There must be a 30 whales out there!" The biologist, writer and others ran to see the phenomenon, one that none had ever witnessed before.

Except for the boys with the gameboys. They were too engrossed to stop and look out the window.

How sad that many children are so hooked into the artificial world that they've forgotten the thrill of natural wonder. Unlike previous generations, they're not roaming the neighborhood in search of adventure or using their imagination to soar to unseen places and live fantasy lives. Peter Pan has become an anachronism for much of today's youth.

Some children, who for various reasons are psychologically vulnerable, become totally dependent on external rather than internal sources of fulfillment. They no longer gain satisfaction from academic achievement or social success. Eventually they may become so maladjusted that they need an Outward Bound adventure to bring them back to health. Deprived of everything but their most basic needs, they learn to fend for themselves and thereby appreciate their own strengths and resources.

Parents who rush to give their children "every opportunity" and the newest technological antidote to boredom may in fact be depriving their children of their greatest resource; namely, their brains.

For no matter how interactive the game nor how exciting the computer program, there is no substitute for real-time interaction with the ups and downs of reality.

Falling Asleep

2009-06-11T14:51:00.004-04:00

Soon after the first speaker at graduation began his speech, the father of the valedictorian closed his eyes and fell soundly asleep. It was not surprising; he was reportedly able to doze off in any venue. Once he even tried a device to wear around his neck so that if he fell asleep at the wheel an alarm would sound and he'd avoid driving the car off the road or into another vehicle.

He suffered from undiagnosed sleep apnea.

Tuesday's Wall Street Journal described some of the causes of sleep deprivation and strategies to remedy them.

The first step of course is to recognize the symptoms: Poor concentration, daytime fatigue and drowsiness, irritability and unexplained appetite.

For example, like children who complain of hunger at bedtime, many adults feel hungry at 11 pm when instead they are tired and in need of sleep. The next morning they resort to caffeine to prop themselves up during the day. This habit exacerbates their twin problems of falling asleep and staying asleep throughout the night.

The further we get from our natural body rhythms the more likely we are to adopt unhealthy life styles.

It's noteworthy that as infants we cried as a means of expressing our discomfort. We expected our mothers to understand what we needed - food, clean clothes, comforting or simply being put to bed. A happy baby was one whose mother met those needs and did not confuse them.

Similarly, we are most content when we are able to differentiate among our various emotional and physical needs and not try to satisfy one at the cost of another. Then and only then will we be able to live life to its fullest.