Blogging For Sanity

My Apology to the World

2008-07-15T14:57:00.006-06:00

Okay pay attention. I don't like apologizing and I don't want to have to do it again.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for my terrible decision making skills.

More specifically, I'm sorry that my terrible decision making skills affects so many people besides myself. I'm not talking about me making inherently BAD decisions (like robbing a bank or something)... more like I just don't make ANY decisions.

The problem is, that I'm a guy in a position where I NEED to make decisions, ones that affect other people who affect other people like a set of dominoes... Why is it so hard you ask?

It's hard for about a million different reasons. Here's just a few.

1. I've always been taught since I was a little kid to just do what I'm told. Doing what you're told is easy. It requires no creative thinking whatsoever. I don't know why some people find it so hard.

2. I was the second born. Simply put, I never got to do what I wanted to do. I just always did what the older kids were doing. This is very common among those of us who are not the oldest sibling.

3. I was always taught (as a good little christian kid) to consider what others want/need to be more important than what I want/need.

4. Put the above three points together, and a personality trait begins to form that shaped me into someone who just accepts the "fact" that no one really cares what MY hearts desire is, and nor should they, because it would be selfish for my heart to even HAVE a desire.

5. Couple all this with a massive religious guilt complex, a severe case of internalization, poor self esteem, low initiative, and presto, you have the worlds most passive people pleasing automaton on the whole damn planet.

So now, before you say "Okay, stop being such a victim here..." Let me just say, I'm NOT playing the victim card. I could, but if I was, I wouldn't be apologizing for it, would I? This IS a real apology here. Yes, I was pure-bred from the factory to be a passive people pleaser, but since life seems to be all about overcoming the things that screwed all of us up as children, it has come time for me to change - to say "adios" to my indecisive prison and move on with my life.

Somehow out of all of this I've developed the uncanny ability to suppress nearly everything about myself that would make me an individual. I have very few "favorites" and almost no real preferences... at least not ones that would make someone say, "Wow, that Daryl guy, he sure LOOOOOOVES pizza." or "He's nuts about Hondas, hey?" I don't even have a favorite color. I mean, how sad is that? Who doesn't have a favorite color?

So I'm gonna work on this... I'm going to be selfish for a while until I get this all figured out. I have an inkling that this all has to do with boundaries, of which I have none. I say yes to just about everything and then resent the fact that I have too many things to do that I wish I had never agreed to. Consequently, anything that I want to do for myself gets shoved past the back burner right off the stove.

I think in the next post I'm going to start trying figure out a little more about who I am, what I like, what I hate, and how to stop being a damn people pleaser. Ironically, no one really likes a people pleaser anyway. I don't know why we continue to do it.

γνῶθι σεαυτόν (Know Thyself)

2008-05-25T22:40:00.003-06:00

I've been meaning to get my hair cut for quite a while now, but have been putting it off. Maybe I'm lazy, maybe I'm cheap... probably both. Anyway I got fed up with it last night and took a scissors to it and went to town. While I was at it, I shaved my face. I didn't stop to think about how it changed my overall look until this morning at church I got so many comments...

"Whoa. You rearranged your face!"

"Hey! You finally got your hair cut!"

"Dude, you change your look more than Madonna in the 80's"

"Did you used to have a beard? I knew there was something different."

A guy named Gene who I don't know very well, but I would like to know better, said, "Hey Daryl, I just have one question for you... Every time I see you, you have a different look. Why is that?"

I have to say, I really appreciated his approach... rather than just making some random comment, he actually asked me why I change my look a lot. And I had to think about the answer for a minute. Here's an expanded version of what I told him.

I grew up in a school with a very strict dress/appearance code. No jeans for boys, no pants for girls (don't get excited guys, they had to wear dresses instead) no hair touching your ears, collar or eyebrows, no fake hair color, no makeup, shirts had to have collars and buttons, dresses must be below the knee... etc.

On top of that, I always wore hand-me-downs and thrift store clothes which left even less freedom for me to choose how I wanted to look. If I ever got a new shirt I would feel terribly self conscious and sometimes wouldn't wear it for fear of someone commenting on it... I was so used to hiding my individuality that letting it show even a little bit was terrifying to me. The shirt would sit in my dresser for weeks or months unworn while I recycled the same old tired wardrobe over and over. By my mid-teens I had developed a natural hatred for the forces that were in place that made it impossible to express (or even know) who I was on the inside.

Naturally as soon as I graduated and moved away, I dyed my hair bleach blonde and grew it out long... then shaved it right to the skin, then grew it out again even longer. And dyed it black. And blonde again... Got my left ear pierced. Twice. And I always wore the forbidden jeans and T-shirts with no collar. Jeans and T-Shirts that I bought BRAND NEW from a real store that hadn't been worn by some Unknown Other with who-knows-what kind of horrible hygiene habits.

I was rebelling, and it was delicious. The funny thing is, that my rebellion wasn't really rebellion at all. It was simply me enjoying my freedom. And I still do. I don't feel scandalous about it now though. I don't even think about it. I just enjoy it. And I spend way less time wondering what people will think or say. It's not real freedom if it's threatened by mere casual comments or the fear of what people think.

I'm slowly discovering who I am. It was a big step for me to even realize that it was okay to be me. To like some things and not others. To decide what to eat. To do what I enjoy, and avoid things I don't. I'm still working on this. I don't have a favorite color yet. I'm not kidding. I can't decide. I don't have a favorite food yet either, although I think sushi is emerging somewhere near the top lately. There's so much about Me that I don't know about because I was taught to deny who I was and conform, but that's slowly changing. I'm not in a real hurry. It takes time to get to know yourself.

I like redheads, though. I've ALWAYS had a thing....

Top 5 reasons to be Eco-Friendly...

2008-04-24T14:54:00.001-06:00

...that have nothing to do with the global warming guilt trip.

It's no secret that I don't believe global warming is caused by people, although I do believe that there is some climate change going on. However this does not exclude me from caring about the world I live in. The way I see it is that people are using the global warming thing as a guilt trip to motivate people to be environmentally friendly, but there's no need for that. There are already lot's of things in place that are good reasons to do the Three R's. SOOOOO.... I've compiled a short list of ways and reasons to be ecologically friendly that will not require any sort of guilt trip.

1. Turn off the lights when you're not using them. It'll save you money.

2. Drive less. It'll save you money.

3. Recycle your bottles. You already paid that deposit for it, and you can get it back and it'll save you money.

4. Insulate your house properly. You'll use less heat and it'll save you money.

5. Buy music on iTunes, it cuts costs for manufacturing, it's cheaper, and it'll SAVE YOU MONEY. And now here's a link where you can buy my CD on iTunes and help me be environmentally friendly and SAVE MONEY.

Okay okay... you don't have to buy my album on iTunes.

But if you don't you're contributing to Global Warming. I figure if everyone else gets to cash in on this thing, then why not me too?

Three Year Old Photographer

2008-04-15T16:44:00.001-06:00

It's funny some of the shots your get when you let a three year old have the camera.

The Piano

I don't know why I like this one. I just do.

The Back Door

I like the angles and lighting of this one.

Peep Show

Yup. That's big bro's feet under the bathroom door.

Self Portrait

I sometimes wake up to this exact image looming over me.

Exploding Head
I think this might have been inspired by the Mute Math album cover.

Discovering New Ground

2008-04-09T00:01:00.001-06:00

Continuing from my last post...

I love coffee. I love it so much I drink it all by myself. But even better is sharing a cup of coffee with a friend. So that's what I've been doing as much of as I can... having coffee with friends. I've been learning a lot lately about how Fathers family could be, and I have to say, I've largely been missing a big piece of it. Maybe even MOST of it.

I was asked a question (well 2 actually) about church as a pastor, and my answer kind of surprised me... the question is, "How would you describe your feelings before a Sunday Service?"
My answer? Anxiety, stress, tension, pressure, etc.

Question number 2: "How do you feel after Sunday Service?"
Answer? RELIEVED. Tired. Thank God I have 6.9 days till next Sunday service.

Well, answering these questions suddenly clarified to my slow-learning mind that there *might* be a problem with this scenario. If I'm preaching a gospel of grace and freedom, where I'm the recipient of the amazing work of Christ on my behalf, then why am I so stressed about Sunday morning? Why do my answers to those questions sound exactly like what a student would say when they are facing an exam? Did God mean for his Church to put a lot of pressure on people? Have we missed something?

Okay now I have to be clear. I DO love doing music on Sundays. That's not the issue. I love being part of the Church (that is, the Universal Church with a capital "C" or The Body of Christ, or just plain old Family of God) But there is definitely a problem that plagues not just our local body here, but all churches all over the place.

Let me be frank. When the church was small, it was absolutely buzzing with community. It actually FELT like family, only possibly better because it felt like family is SUPPOSED to feel. We would all cram into the little wee sanctuary and it would get so hot we'd have to open the outside doors and turn on fans to make it bearable, but we were okay because it was somehow just so great to be together. Somebody would say, "Hey! Let's have a potluck" and people would rush off and return with food and we'd have a party. After "church" people hadn't had enough of each other so we'd all run off to each others homes to continue hanging out and eating food and laughing yada yada yada. But THEN... because a good thing should be shared, and a church needs to grow, we decided to build a bigger meeting place. It was so exciting... Right up until we actually started using it.

Suddenly, the people we used to squeeze in beside in the little sanctuary were several rows away. Instead of rubbing shoulders and bumping into each other, we sorta stared at each other over the expanse of the new diggs. Many new people began to show up, because let's face it... if you build it, they will come, right? And that's fine. It's what we wanted. But in the process something died. A big church means that stuffs gotta get more organized. We have more room, let's get more things happening. When you are talking with a small group of people who you feel safe around, you can just be yourself, but when suddenly there a tons of people from who-knows-what background, we tend to grow a little more professional. I mean, you can't expect EVERYBODY to like you just the way you are, right? Up go the walls and people slowly shift from being a family to simply attending a weekly meeting.

Now, I'm not blaming anyone, and I'm not bemoaning the loss of the 'good ol days'. There's no one to blame, and no point living in the past. What happened in our church, happens in every church. The problem is that when believers discover something that is exciting and living and vibrant, they immediately want to capture it and put it into a program that they can run again and again, and build it into something manageable. But God is not a program, nor is He manageable. He is a person. No, not just another guy, he actually has personality. He has things he likes and things he doesn't. He actually wants to be known. Not just known in the sense that 'Yup, I believe there's a God', but actually known like we know the people around us. We know tons ABOUT God... we have ridiculously large schools devoted to learning about God like we learn about archaeology. And we credit him with just about as much personality as that. But what if......

What if talking to God was like talking to a friend, or your dad, or maybe your friends dad, or the work buddy you see every day? You say something, he says something... you laugh, banter back and forth, tell stories, talk about what bugs you, when he listens to you, you know he actually cares, because he's BEEN there... What if God was actually more interested in having a relationship with us, than us putting on a church service every Sunday morning? Think about that before you follow me to the next sentence.

Am I wrong? I hope I'm not, because I've been REALLY enjoying having that kind of relationship with my Father lately. It's amazing. All I had to do to get it was pray the Prayer of Jabez.

Okay obviously that's a joke. The point I'm making is that it's not some spiritual achievement, God want's relationship with everyone, no strings.

So am I gonna throw out Sunday morning church? Heck no. It's not all bad... it's just... cumbersome. We might tear down a few "systems" in favor of growing together as a family... still working out what that's gonna look like. But I can tell you that becoming friends with God has changed the way I see his whole family. It's less important for me now to have a plan in place of how I'm going to "do" ministry. Papa's got a plan, and that's the only one I need. What's important now is that the people around me need to know His love, real love-more than they need a pastor, more than they need council, more than they need music, more than they need a program. As long as I'm hanging out with Jesus, I feel so loved that I've got love to spare, so I'm gonna spread that love around. Hugs, laughs, tears, high fives, talking, listening, hanging out... I don't get anxiety attacks when I think about THAT kind of "ministry". And I'm not relieved when it's over, I'm left anticipating the next time we get to be together. Along the way, if I can show one or two people the source of that love... now we're talking. I think "church" like that is happening all the time all over the place, but we just aren't recognizing it for what it is.

When we become caught in the paradigm of "church" being what we do and where we go on Sunday, we miss out on the 'church of the small stuff' that happens every day all around us. I don't want to "go" to church anymore. I AM the church, and so are you.

The Yearly Dilemma

2008-03-19T16:02:00.001-06:00

Every year it happens. Good Friday rolls around and the question pops up... Do we do a Good Friday service at the church or not? So far, we've never NOT done one so naturally I assumed that this year would be no different. And I was right. As I was outside putting the letters "G-O-O-D F-R-I-D-A-Y S-E-R-V-I-C-E on the sign I couldn't help but think WTF? Why don't I just SAY that I don't wanna do it can someone else please be the guy with the obligations. And what the heck is a "service" anyway and why do have one on every Sunday morning?

Church Service:

1. opening song

2. welcome/shake hands/opening prayer

3. announcements/missionary update if applicable

4. 4 more songs

5. sermon

6. closing song

Apparently the above simplified list is a "service". All these elements (or slight variations of) have been carefully thought out over the last 19 or 20 centuries and then somehow legislated into STONE. How the heck did this happen? I just wanna throw the whole thing out some days. Well, more than just "some" days. I know that God works through whatever system or organization we create, but would it kill anyone to drop the thing on it's head once in awhile? I realize that this is a little hypocritical coming from a pastor who works within this whole church system, but what can I say? The problem is that I don't know what else to DO. I think we DO too much on a Sunday morning already. What if we all just showed up with no plans whatsoever? Maybe make some coffee... have some donuts... see what happens?

I think as pastors we are afraid of not having a plan in place, or not having something to teach or share. I have nightmares of procrastinating on planning my worship set or sermon for so long that I end up showing up in front of the church with nothing. Disorganization and chaos ensue much to my personal humiliation and disgrace. I wake from the dream feeling ill and defeated, because the dream in itself has no power to motivate me.

So now what do I do? I have TWO services to plan this week. So far I got nothing. So that's what I'm gonna do.

Nothing.

I have several people who I wanted to have coffee with this week, so THAT'S what I'll do. I'll have coffee with them. Bugger the planning. I'm having church in a coffee shop. Or a restaurant. Or someone's house. Maybe just with one other person. This excites me! The "service" does not. Maybe next week it will, but for this week... not so much.

So what happens here on Good Friday? Sunday? I dunno. But whatever is gonna happen is just gonna happen. I mean seriously... what's gonna happen in 5 seconds? I dunno that either, but whatever does, God is big enough to handle it.

I've been thinking...

2008-03-16T21:28:00.003-06:00

Okay it's been ages since I last blogged... this feels like an entirely new experience to be doing this again. I had long forgotten my password to log in to blogger because it's been so long since I looked at this thing. Thankfully the blogger people made the process of resetting the password simple yet secure. Thanks blogger!

So anyway, why am I doing this again? Well for starters, I'm still getting the odd hate mail trickling in from my last post about Global Warming over a year ago, so I figured it shouldn't be the first title that pops up in my blog anymore. Secondly, I've missed the way my thoughts seemed so much more... sorted out... while I was blogging. Somehow the process of putting my thoughts down in writing seems to unravel some of the confusion in my brain.

Now the question is... what to write about? Maybe it's time for a little follow up on my previous posts, and my life this last year.

Anger Towards the Institution. An Update.
Well it's no secret that I have had a lot of bitterness towards Prairie from growing up under a legalistic religious system. I'm happy to say that God has been softening my heart towards the institution and I have let go a lot of bitterness in the last year. I'm not entirely over it though, as I discovered upon a recent visit to said institution. I couldn't seem to reconcile in my mind why if they've shortened the list of rules the students and staff must abide by, then why do they suddenly require a myriad of surveillance cameras? To keep an eye on everyone? Who watches the cameras? What are they looking for? Maybe they are taking a literal approach to that verse they made me learn as a kid... "The eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good." Hmmmmm. I'm probably just oversensitive.

Anyway, I don't hate the place anymore. I still wouldn't want to go back, but at least I find myself wanting to reach out to people there instead of avoiding them. I'm more at home in my freedom in Christ now. I'm not afraid of religious leaders and institutions taking away my newfound freedom. They can't take it away, which is a fear I held on to for quite a while.

Family
Our family is growing in leaps and bounds with the addition of our fourth child, my dear Azaelea Katie Rae. Last time I blogged she was not even a twinkle in her moms eye yet! Having 4 kids has kept us hopping to say the least, so happily we chanced upon Rachel who has moved in with us just recently as a nanny for the kids. She's already pretty much become family which is great!

Burnout
This last year was my burnout year. I could probably dedicate a whole blog entry to this, but for now, the long and short is, I overworked myself, ignored all the warnings my body was giving me and had a meltdown. I took 3 months off of work and church and focused on resting and spending time with my family. Burnout has a way of creeping up on you. It comes on the heels of anxiety, depression and sleeplessness and plots your doom while you stare blankly out the window contemplating your inability to care about what's going on around you. In 3 months I recovered years of my life... from feeling like a 72 year old man, to being 30(ish) again. We work ourselves too hard you know. All of us. If you ever feel guilty about NEEDING a break, you work too hard. I'm just saying.

Global Warming
Well, nothing's changed here. The planet is still warming up, but it's not my fault. Not your's either, but hey, no one's listening.

Spirituality
Well, I've learned a lot this year, and grown a lot and I'm thinking that if I manage to keep up on the blog, this is the area I might spend a bit more time sorting through. So I won't go into anything deep right now, but hopefully soon.

So there it is. My first blog entry in forever.

It's strangely good to be back.

Global Warming is a SHAM!!!!

2007-02-13T15:32:00.000-07:00

Okay first of all... I said the blog was dead. Why are you still checking up on it? And second, thanks for checking my blog again. I really thought I wouldn't update this thing again for a long time, but for whatever reason, here I am! Anyway, on with the rant.

Global Warming is a SHAM!

Yeah, I saw "An Inconvenient Truth". Big deal. I'm one of those people who doesn't believe everything they see. Global Warming lobbyists are bent on convincing the world that the overall temperature is rising, that glaciers are melting, and that storms and flooding are the result. Not to mention the belief that California will end up under water. The theoretical cause: You and me, driving too many cars and using energy inefficient appliances etc...

Alright, let's get something straight here. I DON'T hate the environment (as I was jokingly accused of by a friend). I LOVE the environment and I am rather fond of it. I DO think that the environment may be changing, but I believe it's just a natural cycle that happens with or without people. If you really want to know what I think, (which I'm sure you don't) I think that the idea of us being responsible for global warming is just another earmark of the arrogance of mankind. I think that as a human race we believe we are so all-important that we simply MUST be the cause and the cure for everything. Everyone likes to feel like they can make a difference in the world, but the truth is, every single person is only 1 out of 6,000,000,000+. I hate stories that end in "Just believe in yourself. You can change the world!" Tell that to the unknown starving orphan with aids in some unknown jungle village. It's a big ocean and we are small fish. Get over yourselves. Back before the ice age when everything started to get cold, people probably thought it was their fault back then too. And what is up with people thinking that the environment going a bit "nuts" is anything new? It's not like before this generation there were never any hurricanes or storms or earthquakes. Seriously, this stuff has been happening since the beginning of time, and suddenly we humans are trying to claim responsibility for it? Check this quote from the movie, "An Inconvenient Truth"...

"What changed in the US with hurricane Katrina was a feeling that we have entered a period of consequences." - Al Gore

Give me a break!!! You know what really changed with hurricane Katrina? NOTHING. Maybe the "feeling" that Al Gore mentioned is the US simply starting to realize that although they are a "superpower", they are not GOD, and are not invincible. But still they will continue trying to "save the world". I say, while you are at it (saving the world) maybe you could also adjust the angle of the earth's axis so that the deserts around the equator get a chance to cool off, and then maybe in Canada we can stop freezing our butts off. And what about New York? They get 11 feet of snow and the scientists are still saying that global warming is a problem? So what if California ends up under water? Move to high ground! (I say that flippantly because I don't really think the California will end up under water.)

Regarding pollution... pollution sucks. It stinks and I don't want to breathe that in. But to say that it is causing storms and melting of ice burgs? That's BS. The ice burgs are melting because that's what ice does when it is in water. There used to be a lot more ice because there was a little thing called an "Ice Age". All the scientists agree on that... But the Ice Age is over now, so shouldn't we expect the ice to melt? Let me ask this question... What caused the Ice Age? Did people cause it? No. That would be ridiculous. But for some reason we think we are the cause of the earth thawing out again? OR... maybe, (this is my theory) just maybe the earth is going through seasons, warm ones, and cold ones, seasons that last hundreds (or thousands) of years. And storms? Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but I think storms have been happening since the beginning of time. Heck, there's even storms on Mars, that's probably our fault too, right? Maybe this global warming stuff has nothing to do with people at all.

And by the way, Carbon Dioxide, which scientists are toting as the number two "greenhouse gas" has never actually been proven to be a cause of global warming. And another interesting tidbit, you know what the number one 'greenhouse gas' is? Water vapor. Seriously. Look it up. They say that it causes up to 70% of the greenhouse effect. Honestly, what is the plan to stop water vapor? Destroy the sun? Tell the English to stop making tea? Put a ban on hot tubbing and bathing?

I'm not trying to shirk responsibility here. I still think that people need to be good to the environment and that automotive manufacturers should reduce vehicle emissions simply for cleaner air. I think campers should clean up a camp site when they leave. I think garbage should be recycled. I think it's a very bad idea to dump chemicals into drinking water. But I cannot bring myself to believe that mankind has the power to cause or prevent storms, hurricanes, earthquakes and flooding. Humans are NOT as important or as powerful as we think we are. Mark my words. The global warming bandwagon will run out of steam in a few more years, and then will be forgotten.

Remember Y2K? Some geek had the idea that all the electronic chips in the world were going to fail because of the date changing over to 2000. Any real electronics person could have told you that it wouldn't happen that way, but somebody saw an opportunity to cause widespread panic. The government jumped on board along with media hype and presto.... people are freaking out, buying new wood stoves, generators, food stocks and replacing every piece of electronics with anything that comes with a "Y2K Compliant" sticker on it. I kid you not, I saw a Y2K compliant toaster. People wrote books on Y2K. Others made movies... The government and the media are not stupid. They know that if they can create a little bit of fear, they can control people... and not to mention make them spend their money. I totally called it on the Y2K hoax and I'm calling it on the global warming conspiracy too. It's an unprovable idea that governments and corporations are using to manipulate the general population through fear. The Cold War never happened either, by the way. It wasn't a real war. Nobody died. It was just an IDEA that made people panic... for years! But then the idea got 'old', and suddenly the "war" was over. (Translation: the cold war is no longer generating fear and revenue. Time to find invent a new conspiracy.)

How about West Nile? Bird Flu? Mad Cow? Chances of dying from any of those are less than the chance of getting hit by lightning. Mad Cow is strictly an animal disease and only occurs in the brain of the cow. You'd have to eat the brain to be at risk, and there is no proof that it is harmful to humans anyway. But hey, it's another way to make people panic, and massive amounts of money are at stake. All of these are just ideas to cause people to panic, with someone waiting on the other end to collect money. And no, I'm not paid by oil companies to say that. I'm just a guy who's sick of being told what to be afraid of.

Agree? Disagree? I welcome all comments. And if you think I'm an idiot, you can tell me. It's nothing I don't already know.

R.I.P.

2007-01-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

Might as well call it how it is. I just don't seem to get around to this anymore.... Sigh.

Junkmail

2006-12-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

Soooooo..... yeah. I didn't check my email for 2 days. And look at my junkmail folder. Yeah. 454 junk emails. So goodbye to that email address.

My Old Age Dilemma

2006-10-13T14:40:00.000-06:00

So the title of this blog is "Blogging for Sanity". I have a little issue that is driving me insane so I must blog. Maybe if you read this you will have some words of wisdom for me--maybe not.

Let me preface this by telling you this little fact about me: I have a really hard time with old people. There I said it. I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. I'm not proud of it but what can I do? I feel a deep sadness when I see a movie scene where some sweet old lady with a heart of gold bakes some cookies and shows unconditional love to her angry punked out grandchild. Or the image of a kind-hearted grandfather with a twinkle in his eye just looking for every opportunity to bring a smile to someones face and pass on some aged wisdom. So why do I feel sad when I see those images? Because those beautiful sweet old people don't seem to exist in my world. I wish they did, but they don't. My world was always full of gossipy, grumpy judgemental old "Saints" who felt that their age gave them the right to tell every younger person how to dress, act, talk, eat, drive, date, spend money...etc.

As usual I know that I am painting people with a wide brush here, and I apologize. There are many exceptions I'm sure. But let me tell you about my last two days. Yesterday two old mennonite ladies stopped in their car to ask me for directions. It just so happened that we were at the very location they were trying to find, so I just smiled and said, "Actually it's right here! You can just pull into the driveway!" As they pulled in beside us the lady in the passenger seat eyed me over, scowled disapprovingly and slowly shakes her head from side to side. What is up with that? Apparently my appearance is quite offensive. It's a good thing they didn't smell me. That can generally by quite offensive too.

Then later yesterday I got a phone call at the church from an older lady I had never met. She was nearly frantic on the phone that somebody needed to come take care of her and check her mail and drop some checks off at the bank. She insisted that she was one of the holiest people that had ever lived, who gave money to several different churches, always read her Bible and prayed every day, talked about Jesus with everyone she ever met even if it made them angry. "Now," she cried, "no one wants to help me at all."

So what do I do? I go to her house. I pick up her checks, and take them to the bank. I head back to her house for a visit because she is obviously very lonely. As we visit, she talks for 45 minutes and I am barely able to say one word at all. Towards the end of the "conversation" she says something like this. "I'm just so glad I found someone to help me. You can check my mail every week, and do my banking for me and shovel my driveway in the winter, and do my grocery shopping for me, and mow my lawn in the summer... I'm so glad I found you! I'm tired of trying to get people to help me. You can just take care of all of that until I die."

Imagine the shocked look on my face. I mean, this woman doesn't know me from Marilyn Manson. I just smiled and tried not to throw up in my mouth. Before I left I managed tell her that I DO in fact have a wife and 3 kids and a full time job and I might not be able to commit to what she was asking no matter what she wanted to pay me.

So anyway, today I picked up her mail and I had a couple of spare minutes to drop it off, so I knocked on her door and handed her the mail. I said, "I'm sorry I've only got a minute so I need to go, but you have a nice day and God bless you." She replied, "God bless you too", and I was off. Harmless enough. So I got back to the church and while I was there the phone rang. This time Richard answered and of course it was this same lady. I could hear her on the phone, and she was suddenly all upset at me! She asked Richard why I had been so nice the day before and 'full of the love of Jesus' and then today I was cold and heartless. She went on for like 10 minutes! You'd have thought I showed up at her door with a pitchfork and horns on my head! I was a little more than confused and decided to process for a while before I phoned her back... Evidently I took too long, and she phoned the church again. She chewed me out on the phone for 10 more minutes and poured out all kinds of delicious condemnation on my head. It was useless to argue... she wouldn't listen. She had phoned 3 or 4 people around town to try to get some gossip on me, all the while condemning all the 'gossipers' in this town. (It's a good thing she didn't call the people who really know what an ass I am.) I finally managed to get through to her that it was simply a misunderstanding and she calmed down a little. I apologized for upsetting her and I think we managed to end the call on a friendly note, but who knows what will happen next time the phone rings.

I'm sure God has a purpose in all this. I would like to love legalistic grumpy old people, but I'm not there yet. I'm pretty sure it will have to be one of those "God Things" that only he can do in me, because on my own, I'm hopeless.

To the older folks in my life who have shown me grace and love: You guys are the exception in my life. You are amazing. Thank You.

*disclaimer*

If you think you are one of the "old" people that I am talking about, don't worry. You're not. The fact that you are using a computer, and you are on the internet, and you know what a blog is, is proof that you are not "old" enough to qualify here. Okay?

Kai's Birthday

2006-09-29T13:18:00.000-06:00

Today my youngest son turns 2. I was pretty sure that we had his first birthday only a month ago, and that he was born only a month or two before that... but apparently 2 entire years have in fact passed by. Lot's of stuff has happened since then, really, but the question remains, "Where does the time go?". I think that time may vanish to the same place that socks go to in the laundry.

About that: I wonder if it's hard for socks when they lose a mate. I wonder if the 'left behind' sock goes through a period of mourning. If I was a sock, and lost my mate, I would tend to be very afraid... because a sock with no mate is of no value at all and will likely just get tossed into the garbage, rather than going to the magical place where socks disappear to in the laundry. On the other hand, if you are a sock with no mate, you could be made into a puppet and go on to fame and fortune.

Wow. I think this is my deepest blog entry to date. Seriously, I don't blog for months and this is the first pressing topic that makes it to cyberspace? I should just quit while I am ahead. I guess I'll try again later.

Anyway, LOST Season 3 starts in less than a week! Finally!!! All the retarded re-run shows that I ended up watching all summer for no apparent reason can take a back seat to the greatest show ever to grace my television set - LOST! Party at my house every Wednesday! By invitation only, and no, this is not an invitation. I'm merely informing you of how I will be spending Wednesday evenings from 10pm to 11pm. So don't call me then. I won't answer anyway. And if you do end up watching the show with me, NO TALKING! That's the rules.

Revamp

2006-09-18T05:57:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I blogged anything, so I thought maybe a little renovation was in order. I miss blogging, as life has been rather busy of late, and I am hoping to once again start putting my thoughts down here... things just make so much more sense when I take time to think it through and write it down... Sorry my dear blog, I have been neglecting you--much to the detriment of my own sanity. We'll hang out, I promise.

Making progress

2006-07-11T14:08:00.000-06:00

I'm seriously in some sort of shock at the response that I've had so far on preselling CD's... It's amazing to know that people are interested enough in my music to get on board and actually help financially to get this thing off the ground. I have to be honest here, I'm a relatively insecure person and I always expect the worst so I pretty much thought I would have 5 or 10 sympathy sales and be left with a giant box of CD's of myself and nowhere to go with them... But thankfully that did not happen. What a huge relief! So this is basically a giant THANK YOU to everyone who has bought a CD so far. I can't tell you enough how much it means to me! This is finally happening and I am sooo excited. I was also shocked to find that my website actually pops up in the top 3 or 4 when you google it! I quickly got on the horn with my brother who used to work for a company who specializes in search engine placement (getting website into the top 10) assuming that he had worked some digital magic to get my website there. However he informed me that he had done nothing of the sort and likely the website would start dropping after a few weeks. BUT he also said that if I got all my friends to place links to my website from their websites, that I would have a much better chance of staying near the top of the search pile.

So. I'm asking for a favor from all you bloggers that if you feel so led, maybe you could pop a little link to my website and in return, I will happily place a link to your's if you so desire. The address is http://www.darylwilson.com. Let me know if you would like a link to your website and I will put it on! Thanks again!

It's finally coming together!

2006-06-17T21:38:00.000-06:00

I've been working hard on recording my CD (which is the also excuse I will use for why I haven't been blogging lately) and it's finally coming together! I have a few tracks left to record and a pile of administrative type things to take care of, but it's finally happening! If you feel so led to check out some of my music, you can now do so at my brand new website! I hope to find time to do some more blogging, but I can't make any promises. Anyway.... cheerio!

weird world

2006-05-10T15:57:00.000-06:00

Sometimes my world is just such an odd place. At different times I have looked out my dining room window and seen many a strange sight... the neighbours cat urinating on the front of Dylans car, a plane crashed on the road past the school property or mennonite girls rollerblading in their long flowered dresses and little black head coverings. Today I looked out and saw the cat stuck up in the tree and a bunch of elementary school students pointing excitedly. Other days if you look out at just the right time you'll see an older gentlemen saunter by talking very loudly to himself. If you look out again in a few minutes you'll see him pass by the other direction, still talking to himself as though in a friendly conversation. Other days I have seen an old mennonite man zooming by unnaturally fast perched stiffly upright on his battery powered mountain bike. I have looked out yet another time and seen another older gentleman bent down low inspecting the back of my minivan for some unknown reason.

All of these things in their own ways seem remarkable and strange to me. I likely would not put myself in any of those people's shoes because let's face it. Some of that's just wierd. But then I think, who the heck decided that I am the normal one?

I realized today that I am not a benchmark. I am not a weigh scale. I am not perfectly balanced. I am not the definition of normal. This may be common knowledge for every other person on the planet, but to me, this comes as a revelation. I have no right to judge what is good or bad, normal or stange, even or odd. Right now I would tell you that I am sitting right side up at my desk. But on the opposite side of the planet, there is some guy who is completely upside down in relation to my position, which then brings up the question, am I the one that's upsidedown? Or sideways perhaps? Or what about the moon? Is it above us or below us? And who decides? The scientists? The philsophers? Some guy named Stan?

For all I know, maybe it's perfectly normal to carry on a conversation by yourself while you are out for a stroll. Maybe it's normal to park your airplane upsidedown on the highway or to rollerblade in a long dress. Up until today I have been a very judgmental person. Tomorrow I will likely still be a judgmental person, but I will be a judgmental person who has had a revelation that I am NOT the center of the universe.

I am just a little off to the left and slightly below.

Or something like that.

Worst Movie EVER

2006-03-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to give you the heads up in case you were thinking of watching the movie 'Rent'.

DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME! THAT IS A DIRECT ORDER SOLDIER!

It's a musical, which you may have already known, and I am not prejudiced against musicals although they are not really my cup of tea. I didn't mind Chicago, and Grease is a classic of course... but honestly, Rent is the lamest thing I have ever seen. We suffered through half an hour of it before smashing the TV and DVD player into tiny pieces with a crowbar out of frustration. It was THAT maddening. The opening song was cheesy and lame. I thought well, maybe it will get better... The second song was lame as well although slightly (very slightly) more interesting. By the third song, I was wondering who would be the first to say, "Okay, now this really sucks", but no one did. The fourth song.... well let's just say that I draw the line at transvestite singing Santa Clauses dancing around an apartment for a couple of other guys before they head off to their Aids support group. Call me crazy, but I just can't seem to relate.

Please, don't watch this movie. Maybe if enough people boycott it, it will prevent movies in the future from sucking sooooo badly.

Following up...

2006-03-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

The response to my last blog rant regarding Prairie has been very interesting with lots of lengthly comments and also several personal emails from people who preferred not to have their comment show online, not to mention personal conversations that I have had with people regarding this particular blog entry. Spiritual abuse is evidently something that has affected more people than just me. Most of the comments I received were in agreement, however some of the emails I received were more along the lines of, "Why are you so hard on Prairie? Shouldn't you be showing grace to legalists as well?" It is to this question that I feel I must respond, this time from scripture, rather than an angry rant where I shoot from the hip.

Check out the book of Titus. A concise but often overlooked little book near the back of the Bible. It was written by Paul to Titus with instructions regarding straightening out some issues in the churches of Crete. The first bit is a well known passage regarding the criteria for selecting elders. Then he goes on to say why the elders need to hold to such high standards and what they must do in their position. This is where I will jump in. Read this.

"He [the elder] must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it. For there are many rebellious people, mere talkers and deceivers, especially those of the circumcision group. They must be silenced, because they are ruining whole households by teaching things they ought not to teach—and that for the sake of dishonest gain. Even one of their own prophets has said, "Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons." This testimony is true. Therefore, rebuke them sharply, so that they will be sound in the faith and will pay no attention to Jewish myths or to the commands of those who reject the truth. To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good."

Hmmmmm.... sounds like Paul felt somewhat the same way that I do about the "circumcision group", aka those who preach a gospel where you must work to earn God's favor. Yes, it does in fact ruin whole households... households likely meaning 'churches' since back in the day they still met in homes.

So yes, I have a bone to pick with Prairie regarding their pharisaical teaching (by teaching, I don't necissarily mean what is taught in classes, but what is taught by their actions) and will definitely offer a 'sharp rebuke' wherever I see this teaching being perpetuated. But should I show them grace? Absolutely. The question is, what does grace look like in this situation?

Grace in this situation is not letting legalism run rampant and patting them on the back and saying it's okay. I think that grace in this situation IS a sharp rebuke. When I lived under legalism, I was as much of a pharisee as the people who pushed legalism on me. I was squeaky clean on the outside and dirty as a sewer on the inside. I simply chose not to allow myself to ask why my faith was dead. Many people live this way and think that this is what the Christian life is meant to be like. I would not have found my way out of legalism if someone hadn't shown me grace. And for me, grace did occasionally come in the form of a rebuke when I was acting like a pharisee.

That's why I will not cut Prairie any slack. I'm not trying to make any enemies, but how can I stand idly by and watch an organization routinely stratagize new ways to send missionaries around the world and place people in bondage?

If they could only have a taste of freedom. Once you've tasted it, you will never go back.

Another Angry Rant

2006-02-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

You know how in politics, many times you will see a politician make some stupid blunder or say something that they shouldn't have said... Paul Martin is a prime example, and I realize the election is over and I'm sure that Canada has nearly forgotten him already but remember during the campaign when he brashly started making ridiculous policy changes for the whole party during a debate? The party was shocked, but what do they do? They rush to save face. They try to back up Paul Martin and write this new policy into their book and say things like, "Well, yeah we talked about it before but just never got around to writing it down..."

Nobody falls for that. Everyone at home is saying, "What an idiot. Seriously, who do they think they are fooling?" It all comes off as arrogant and pompous, and insulting to the public. Thank goodness that only happens in politics, right?

I wish.

I'm about to go off on a rant that some may find offensive, biased, and angry but before you think, "He can't say that!", just remember that you are reading my journal, my diary, my thoughts--not some politically correct censored Christian publication. I don't need or want you to agree with me. By all means, please disagree. I will say that this is biased and I might be completely wrong. But I do have a point.

Here I go.

I just received in the mail another of many publications from Prairie Bible Institute propagating the many changes that are taking place on their campus and to their infrastructure. Being a former student of Prairie (I was raised on the inside) I have first-hand knowledge of what they are really all about. Reading the Prairie Harvester newsletter, as with many of the previous publications that I have received made me absolutely fume inside. I mean, I was angry. Angry to the point of needing to blog it out to prevent myself from fuming all night. And it's not like this is the first blog entry that I have written expressing my distaste for that place.

Here's the problem. Prairie has a lot of skeletons in their closet. And when you have that many corpses you are hiding, it starts to stink. But rather than empty out the closet and fess up, Prairie is pretending that they made no mistakes and is now pressing ahead with "A renewed vision" and subjecting everyone on their mailing list to propaganda that attempts to whitewash history like Germany pretending the holocaust never happened. Is Prairie hoping we will forget? I sure haven't forgotten. I haven't forgiven either. I'm still working on that one.

So what are these corpses I'm talking about? Let me refresh everyone's memory with 3 examples.

1. Taking advantage of people. Working for Prairie means that you get paid squat. My Dad used to work for Prairie, and I lived in hand-me-downs and thrift store clothes until I got a job that paid enough to buy my own stuff. I honestly don't care about money all that much, but under-paying someone in the name of religion strips people of their worth and causes God to look like a penny pincher. Prairie took advantage of my family because my parents were 'called' there. We moved from a brand new house to a tiny little shit box with tar shingles for siding. Yes, I'm bitter. Thankfully, Prairie has committed to paying their staff better in the future, but neglected to acknowledge their abuse in the past. Let's see what they had to say about this in the Harvester...

"One of the strategic goals of the past three years has been a commitment to improve the salaries of staff who serve at Prairie. While PBI will always be a place where people are 'called to serve' it also behooves the Institute to provide a reasonable level of support to enable staff members to be free to focus on the responsibilities to which they have been led."

You know what they should have said? We're sorry. We are sorry that in the past we have blatantly taken advantage of every Christian who worked at Prairie by tossing them scraps and saying 'blessed are the poor'. That was inherently wrong, and we want to right the wrongs of the past and are now committing to pay proper wages to all our staff.

Just an apology. That's all I'm asking.

2. Using religion to control people. I was just a little kid when I first moved to Prairie, and they told my dad that all men had to shave their beards. My dad had always had a beard and when he shaved it off, I cried because I didn't recognize him and wouldn't go near him. Prairie decided that God made a mistake when he invented beards. We also had to give away our TV and other worldly possessions and could no longer wear jeans. Jeans were evil. Mom and Dad couldn't even wear shorts in their own back yard. We were forbidden to listen to secular radio and music, and dancing was certainly out of the question. Alcohol and Tobacco were inventions of the Devil himself, and dire were the consequences for anyone caught with either of these. I felt guilty because I secretly loved the smell of my uncle's cigarettes, even though I knew that tobacco smoke was the smell of the burning dead in Hell. I didn't get these ideas from my parents. I got them from Prairie. Oh yeah, I also was told that if I didn't read my Bible and pray every day that I was no longer in relationship with God and when I died, Jesus would say, "I never knew you" and cast me into the outer darkness.

When I've talked to people about these things, most will defend Prairie and say that they are not like that anymore. Maybe that's true, but I don't think that Prairie ever publicly admitted that they had become just like the Pharisees. They just quietly dropped the rules a couple at a time in the name of remaining "relevant" to the modern world, hoping no one would notice the glaring misuse of spiritual authority to control people. This is what happens when a church body dies spiritually but tries so hard to hide the fact that they are dead that they put strings on the corpse and make it dance like a puppet. It might fool people for a while, but eventually things start to fall off of the corpse and it crumbles completely.

3. Shooting the wounded. I understand now, that if my brother stumbles and falls, that as a member of his spiritual family, I am there to help him up and tend to his wounds. What I learned growing up at Prairie is that if someone stumbles and falls, they are cast out and everyone is informed as to what their crime was and why they can no longer associate with them. Serious marriage problems meant that you would likely get fired/expelled if anyone found out. I can't think of a single event where grace was extended to someone who had broken Prairie rules. I heard this speech a number of times by the principal of my high school, "Joe has chosen to leave Prairie High School based on his behavior last weekend in which he admitted to consuming alcohol while with his family over Christmas. We do not tolerate this kind of behavior, so let this be a lesson to you all."

They call this discipline, I call it fear mongering. 'You better behave or we will publicly humiliate you and drag your name through the mud.' Incidentally, this did not stop me or anyone from breaking the rules. All it did was inspire me to cover my tracks more carefully. It also meant that you could never admit any weakness. Weakness resulted in humiliation and rejection. This is one area that I know for a fact has not changed much, because I know someone who is going through this rejection right now. I won't disclose the details because I'm sure they are facing enough public humiliation as it is.

There are more skeletons that I could bring up. Racism, slander, eliteism, injustice, abuse... these are sweeping accusations, I know. Like I said, some will probably be offended, but I lived in the middle of it, and have gotten far enough away from it now to see it for what it is. Prairie has allowed corruption into it's very heart, and it is dying. They are arrogantly tying strings onto their corpse once again and calling it 'A renewed vision', refusing to admit past mistakes and faults, attempting to save face once again. Which brings me to the kicker of the whole thing. The new Prairie symbol.

The new symbol for Prairie is very telling of their spiritual state. Some genius sold them a symbol that looks exactly like a martini glass with an olive in it and a little umbrella on top. That's what everyone sees the first time they look at it. But Prairie still bought it, being too prideful to admit that they couldn't see what they were supposed to see in the symbol. They try to cover it up by publishing long explanations about what the symbol REALLY means and what it is SUPPOSED to look like. Rather than cutting their losses and admitting a mistake, they are actually spending more money and effort trying to cover the fact that they got duped royally. They are so bent on preserving their dignity and covering their mistake that they are actually parading the symbol around like the pope, hoping that their false confidence will convince people that it doesn't look like a martini glass. It reminds me beautifully of the Emporer with No Clothes, deceived by his own pride, parading through the town in his underwear afraid to admit that he couldn't see his clothes for fear of being labeled a fool.

One day, I may forgive Prairie for dragging my image of God through the mud. Fortunately for me, God is far more powerful than I learned from Prairie who denied the power of Christ when they re-implemented the law and guilt that Christ came to free us from. My hope is that one day, Prairie will realize the mistakes that have been made and actually eat some humble pie, rather than acting like the liberal party and scrambling to cover their mistakes. I have huge respect for anyone who acquires a taste for humble pie. In my eyes, they become beautifully Christ-like and truly respectable in an eternal sense.

Out of the Woods

2006-02-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I have to say that I am feeling a little better lately. There was a period of time there when I lost my head so much that I was feeling like there was never going to be an end to this. I'm not saying that I am %100, in fact I think that on some level I am still scraping the bottom of the fishtank, but God's grace has been more than sufficient these last days. It's weird. I know that I am still super tired, but at the same time I manage to drift through each day one moment at a time carried on unseen wings.

I've noticed that I am always hoping for an end to the busyness and relentlessness of day to day life, and that I always seem to think that a vacation would fix everything. I realize now, that this hope for a vacation is really a longing in my heart for my real home in Heaven where I will finally receive the fullness of the rest that God promises. For now, I will receive the rest that is in the sufficient grace of God, even though I know that my outer shell is fatigued. But one day... one day...

Thanks to a bunch of you for all your encouragement. Thanks Todd and Kimberlee for taking us out and blessing us with a relaxing fun-filled evening. Thanks Lance, for the "baseball bat".

2006-02-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

I've been finding it very hard to collect my thoughts lately. I guess that's why I haven't been blogging much. Well, that and trying to find time to just do it without staying up late at night and dooming myself to utter fatigue the next day. I think when you are stressed out for long periods of time, you start to forget what it is like to function on a normal level. I'm dying for some sort of holiday where I can just forget about planning, administrating and having so many other people needing my input for stuff. I had a good chat with a friend who was just able to take an impromtu holiday after a long period of constant busyness. He said he had no idea how deeply tired he really was until he had a chance to relax and have nothing on his adjenda. I'm almost afraid to admit how tired I really am for fear of losing what little functionality I have left. I feel like I am doing so many diverse things right now that I am completely unable to do a good job of any of them. I feel robbed of the ability to truly care about stuff going on around me. Right now, I'm pretty much on cruise control with an empty tank...

I don't want to complain, because I know that it could be a lot worse. I just wish that I could give everything and everyone the attention that they need without feeling grudgingly selfish. I think every parent must feel this way from time to time, faced with the demands of the never ending needs of children and family and keeping a home running. You always hear little quotes like "Don't forget to stop and smell the flowers" or, "Enjoy your kids while they are this age, because it goes by so fast!" Seriously, next time someone gives me that latter quote, I'm going to tell them to give me a dollar, because I could probably retire just from the amount of times I have heard that from people. I realize that one day I will likely feel the same way asking, "Where did the time go?" but unfortunately, stopping to enjoy the view is hardly an option when you are trying to outrun an avalanch.

It's not like I never have any free time, it's just that free time is only a slot on my daytimer. An appointment. On my days off, I don't actually do a lot. I try to rest, but the days are just too short! I guess, it's not that I am so busy that I don't have time to think, but I just feel like Bilbo Baggins when he said he felt "...like butter scraped over too much bread."

I like to focus on one thing at a time, to have a job with a narrow description. But right now, I can't seem to focus, because every phone call requires me to change hats. Every time my office door opens, my day changes directions. Every email requires a response completely unrelated to what I was previously focusing on. It's funny, because I have very few things on my own adjenda, but they take forever to get done because I change my focus so many times in a day. I hate feeling like every little thing catches me off guard. I forget so much stuff these days. Big things. Little things. It doesn't seem to matter. My brain has all but shut down and the threads are beginning to show in the fabric of my sanity. I'm too young for this. That's been the story of my life. If only I had been held back in kindergarten. How I miss dear sweet kindergarten, the gate we all pass through leaving behind the Land of Ignorant Bliss to enter the rat race of knowledge and responsibility. But I don't dare think about that now. Illuminating the sharp contrast between then and now would only serve to increase my disenchantment with my current state.

Breath, Daryl, just breathe.

Funniest quote ever

2006-02-02T11:44:00.000-07:00

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.
-HL Mencken

This quote was on my Google homepage yesterday. I couldn't help but agree as I watched American Idol last night. I only watch the auditions when all the crazies come out, and I am constantly shocked that person after person comes to audition, thinking that out of 20,000+ people who try out for american idol, that they are going to be the one that wins it all. The shocking part is the complete misconception that people have about themselves. So many people that come on the show actually think that they could be the best singer in America! Honestly, as cruel as Simon Cowell can be sometimes, I think he's doing them a huge favor when he tells them how horrible of a singer they really are. It's hard to see someone have their dream shattered, but I truly think that whatever your dreams are, they should at least have some basis in what you are good at. Don't get me wrong. I think that everyone should sing, but just not necessarily in front of other people. You are more than welcome to sing even if you suck at it, just don't expect the world to adore you for it.

What are the chances?

2006-01-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

When we were getting insurance on our house, the insurance agent pointed out to me that in the event that an aircraft crashed into our house, we would be covered. I laughed out loud. What are the chances of that?

Today an aircraft crashed a mere 200 yards from my house. I could see it from the front porch.

Midnight Brain Gymnastics

2006-01-06T02:22:00.000-07:00

It's somewhere around 2:20am and I can't sleep. I was asleep, but now I am no longer, awoken by a combination of crying baby/full bladder. And now I can't seem to get back to sleep. It's the curse of being a thinker type of person. My brain spins along at 10,000 rpm whether I want it to or not, which means that it is a minor miracle that I ever get to sleep in the first place. In order to get to sleep every night I must stay up late enough that my body is exhausted and my ever-thinking mind will more easily succumb to the rest that it needs. If I go to bed too early, I lie awake for hours--thinking and thinking. I replay conversations from the day. I invent fictional conversations and even arguments/debates with people I know. I ask lots of "what-if" questions (like Ingrid). I imagine myself in day-to-day situations as if I am at work, or driving, or grocery shopping... I have an entire virtual world in my own mind every night when I try to sleep. And I hate it.

My brain is like a whiteboard. I go to bed and 'write' on it, furiously working away saving the world, and then I finally fall asleep, and bingo-bango, the whiteboard gets erased and I wake up the next day with no clear recollection of what I had been thinking. What a waste of effort and time that I could have spent sleeping.

I do remember one night back in the day while I was still working at McDonalds and I couldn't get to sleep. I was having "awake dreams" that I was still at work and seemed to be stuck in an endless loop of serving customer after customer, taking order after order. This went on for literally hours. In my mind, the line of McPatrons stretched all the way out the door and I was in utter despair with no end in sight. Finally in my mind I snapped. I screamed at all the customers to leave me alone and can't you tell that I'm trying to get some sleep?! I threw around a few trays of food and had a genuine temper tantrum in the lobby scattering bewildered people everywhere. And you know what? It didn't work. In my mind-prison I was still in McDonalds, serving customers and taking orders. I think I just ended up getting up and watching TV for a couple hours until I passed out in the chair. My own mind hates me, I swear.

So..... tonight after I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, I laid in bed thinking up a sermon illustration for next time I preach. I knew that the whiteboard would get erased if I didn't get out of bed while I was still thinking about it, so here I am, once again blogging for my own sanity. I think I may start a new blog, or just re-title this one... Blogging For Sanity... hmmmm.... I like that. I should do this more often. I could use a little sanity.

The Regime is Broken

2005-12-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

Note the similarities between these two pictures...

Okay, I know it's not fair to compare these two pictures, but I couldn't resist. I'm sad to say that I missed seeing the destruction of the Prairie Tab in person, as I have many bad memories from there and would have enjoyed the show. Thanks for the pics Lance!

I won't lie. I'm bitter and jaded from many Prairie Tabernacle church services, chapels, conferences and meetings which were painfully void of life, love and encouragement. I racked my brain trying to think of some good memories from the Tab, and they were few and far between. Maybe I was a generation too late. I've read articles (mostly published by Prairie, mind you) that extolled the wonders of the glory of the Prairie Tabernacle from years gone by. My personal memories are of a slightly different color and mostly involve feeling the crushing weight of judgement, the stuffy air of boredom, and the sore ass of extremely hard pews. I will not shed one tear at the passing of this landmark which for me marks the center of my disdain for those who would twist the Gospel from something beautiful and sustaining into something barren and exhausting (and requiring a dress code.)

One good thing from the Tabernacle: I will devote the rest of my life to preaching a Gospel that is truly good news. A gospel that sets people free rather than adding shackles to their already tired limbs. A gospel that is all about what Christ has done for us, not what we should be "doing for Him." In the New Testament, the true gospel was feircely guarded against those who came to preach a gospel "other than what you first heard from the Apostles". Today should be no different. If you hear a "gospel" that does not bring you freedom, but rather enslaves you to a life of rules and guilt--run! If a preacher tells you that you "must try harder" to stop sinning, he knows nothing of the life of Christ that freed you from sin in the first place. Every victory won in the Christian life is won by our surrender wherin we say that it is "Not I who lives, but Christ" or rather "It is not my fight, but His." For example, contrast these two prayers...

1. "God give me the strength to stop losing my temper."
or
2. "God, I give up. I can't stop losing my temper. If you don't stop me from losing my temper, I'm not going to change one bit. I'm powerless to help myself, so unless you step in and free me from this, I will remain a slave to my anger."

Ask yourself this question: Which of those two prayers brings glory to God? Which one seeks to bring glory to man? Therein lies the secret of finding freedom. When we fall into the trap of glorifying ourselves by striving for victory in our own strength, we find oursleves opposed to God, who does not share glory with man, and hates pride. On the other hand, when we humble ourselves before God and make known to him that we simply cannot resist sin on our own, he pours mercy and grace upon us, freeing us from slavery to sin and glorifying himself through our failure and surrender.

To me, this is good news, because it is no longer about me, it is about Christ. It is no longer my fight (which I am destined to lose) it is Christ's fight (who has already won). Yes, I still fail in my Christian walk, but it is inevitably the result of my flesh trying to take over and do that which only Christ can do. I no longer bear the guilt and shame of sin. Those things died with Christ on the Cross and no longer have the power to cripple me.

Now don't get me wrong, this is not a place of laziness, this is a place of rest. There is no room for idleness here. The difference is that I no longer go looking for what I can do for God, which is extremely tiring and self-centered. God simply brings things across my path--things that are far beyond what I can do in my own strength (although sometimes I still try). I must admit defeat, again and again, and each time I do, I see that God does something amazing, and I stand by, playing the part of a grateful fool.

This is what I fault the Tab for: Preaching a so-called gospel that is centered around what man "should" do, rather than what Christ has already done. The yoke was not easy, and the burden was not light. Every believer was given an individual hero complex and told to go save the world. Those who could not keep up were labelled "Backsliders" who were "Not walking with the Lord." I was one of those backsliders, and in fact slid so far away that I gave up altogether. That's when I learned the secret of the gospel...

Surrender. Giving up. Losing hope in every inch of myself to gain the hope of Christ. Any other Gospel than that is one that needs to be torn down.