~ d a r k n e s s ~

r e m i n i s c e n c e - p a r t 2

2009-07-14T11:29:00.002+08:00

(This is another delayed post. Originally posted on 08:49PM, 13/07/09 Monday)

I have already reached the island of Kapas by the time I'm writing this post. It's already coming to the end of my 2nd day staying here, & will be back at the mainland tomorrow noon.

Initially I've thought that time flies so much faster when I'm back in PJ, but the exact same thing happens here in Kapas Island as well. Time flies the same speed here, & before I realise it, it's already day 2 of my island trip. Well, it's a good thing too since as far as I'm here, everything here kind of suck. Yes, you read that right. SUCK. The chalet room here sucks bad, there's no hot shower in here, room service are inefficient, food sucks real bad, & overall layout is kind of worn out. The only thing that deserves compliment are the polite & friendly staff, & most importantly....the beach.

Ahh, who can forget the beach & the sea?

Seaside, I really don't know how to thank you well enough for accompanying me this whole afternoon. "You" heard all my whines about work, life, lost love, confusion & also felt my tears as well. "You" never cease to be bored of what I'm telling "you"...instead you comforted me with your gentle waves & fine sands. When "you" listened about me saying that I have reached crossroads at my career & currently wasting my youth & time at a place where I don't learn & advance, "you" beamed with anger by showing me your rough waves. When "you" listened & see me crying for a love lost after deep affection for 3 long years, "you" comforted me with gentle waves & soft winds. It's as if "you" are really listening to what I'm saying. "You" are so much different from my other friends, or should I say, most of my friends. Most of them would just say the same old thing again, again & again. Time will heal, time will heal, let time cure your pain. Words are so easily said than done. Some of them just come to me, gave me a pat at the back, & tell the same old stuffs again. Yes, I do understand their intentions to make me feel better, but what I really, really need is someone who truly listens what I wanna say, leave me to cry my heart out, doesn't object or disagree what I'm saying although it might interfere with their thought (I'm not being possessive or dictative; these are simply matters from the heart & there are no right or wrong), & most importantly, understand what I truly want in the future. This might sound impossible to fulfill but yes, I have finally found "you". Come to think of it, travelling 500km from KL to here, looking for "you" isn't such a wasted effort after all. Ignore those people who keep telling me "what the heck am I going to an island alone?" or thinks that I'm some psychotic id*ot who is anti-social & doesn't mix with other people on trips.

For my career path, I have decided not to continue doing what I'm currently doing, stop wasting my time & youth at this place & move on to another better opportunity. Ironically, when I was talking to "you" about my career today, the company which I went for interview last week, called me up & offered me the position I've applied with a salary increment of about 30%. The coincidence is unexplainable, but indeed lovely & timely. After much consideration, I've agreed to the offer & called them back to confirm my start date.

From relationship wise & matters from the heart.....

.

..

...

It's not healed at all.

Tears continue to roll, sorrow continues to be felt, life have to "forcibly" move on for the sake of the upcoming new career path.

I still miss you, L.

r e m i n i s c e n c e - p a r t 1

2009-07-12T18:16:00.003+08:00

(This is a delayed post, originally posted on 10:42AM, 12/07/09 Sunday)

As I'm writing this post, I have just reach Marang, Terengganu. The place to get a boat over to Pulau Kapas, which is the island I'll be hanging out for the next 3 days to find peace & tranquility for my torn, exhausted & broken heart.

While I was driving along the way here to Terengganu, I began to feel something familiar. Something I've never, ever, felt back in PJ. It's this....this feeling of returning home to a place I once loved & fancy, especially the exceptional peace, silence & slow paced life of the people here. Although I have to admit that following an uncle who drives 50 km/h for almost 10km is kind of frustrating, but deep within, I can feel that people here are not rushing. Not rushing like what PJ/KL residents feel daily, regardless of whether it's a working weekday or a "supposed-to-be-relaxing" weekend. Not even bothered to think of other materialistic, ugly matters which may rear its head due to the hectic & fast-paced modern lifestyle. It's all just....just so slow, simple & beautiful here. Although the overall outlook & technology advancement is far behind what I've seen back in PJ (you can still see wooden buildings, cows & goats everywhere here!), but what I love most about this place is its surroundings & the fantastic feel whenever I step onto this land of the east coast.

And not forgetting....

This is also the place where IT all started.

The place where me & L began our beautiful, yet "restrictive" relationship.

Reminding myself about this situation makes me wanna cry again. Tears will never fail to roll out of my cheeks whenever I think about this....this tragedy that bestruck me without any notice. Nevertheless, I have to remember, I'm now sitting in a random coffeeshop in Marang, surrounding by strangers, & I will not further humiliate myself by crying in front of public ! Be strong, LYJ, I know you can totally forget about her & do like what dai kah cher told you, move on.

But...

Is it possible to move on?

Is it possible to let myself totally forget someone whom I loved so, so deeply since we started off our relationship 3 years ago? What's more, trying to forget someone you love in the place where we started building this wonderful relationship? The place where most fond & beautiful memories linger. The place where we both finish up our final year projects together. The place where we graduated with our Bachelors' Degree together. The place when I first hold her hands tight. The place I get to hold her close in my arms without much worries of bumping onto her restrictive parents.

And now it's all over in a flash before I even start wondering what or where did I went wrong.

Or is it that something we both missed out?

Arghhh, now is not the time to think about this. I should be concentrating to enjoy this "ultimate" vacation of mine which I've planned since the beginning of this year. I should be taking my own sweet time to enjoy this annual vacation back to Terengganu & not reminding myself of this tragical moment. Not to erase all my sweet & wonderful memories between me & her. What's more, this is suppose to be a HAPPY vacation, not a SORROWFUL one. My dear juniors are graduating from university & I should be happy for them. Gosh, what am I thinking?

My friends, I am really, really unsure whether I can forget about her & move on. Words can be easily expressed out, but it's the action which is difficult to initiate. Many friends told me that time will heal the wound, time will heal the wound....but it's simply too deep for time to heal it. No doubt, time flies, time heals, but will it manage to heal mine?

I doubt so.

Enough for now. Will be uploading this once I get a place to online. Till then, I'll just let emotions overcome me.

Off to the jetty now.

Latest update (06:39PM, 12/07/09) - I've finally found a place to go online....& it's in the island itself! Wireless connection available at the lobby.....ok. What an unexpected place to go online....

The sorrow & despair continues....

d r e a m

2009-07-11T07:10:00.003+08:00

As I'm writing this post, I just woke up from a dream.

A beautiful, lovely dream of me & L back together, holding each other's hand tightly. Feeling her warmth all around me. Hugging her as if she is a giant, life-size plush toy. And a single sentence from her lips which feels like the ultimate "cure" for all the grief, sorrow & despair I've been through for the past 1 week.

She said....

"I still love you."

However...

It's still all a dream, & once my eyes feel light from the windows, I know it's back to cruel & torturing reality.

Now I'm awake, writing this post in front of my PC before leaving back to Terengganu in a while more; returning to the place of my ex-university, the place I miss the most, & most significantly, the place where we started off our wonderful, yet controversial relationship. Will be driving all the way there this time. No more buses & hassle flights. All alone. All by myself. Yes, as always, I'll be going for this trip all alone. And I love the feeling.

Initially this was supposed to be a happy & joyful trip back to Terengganu to attend my university junior's convocation on the 15th & 16th, but somehow after this unexpected "incident", it all changed to become a healing, self-realization, "getting away with all the sorrow & despair I've been through after a short week of torturing reality's" trip. I do wonder, will this "so-called-ultimate-trip" of mine, in which I've planned since a few months back, fail due to my current unstable mood? Will I ever, ever succeed in forgetting about her & move on with life, while visiting all the places we've been together during our past university days? Will I able to hold my tears from not rolling down when I pass by her ex-rented house which is conveniently situated 2 houses away from my ex-rented house?

I don't know. I really, really don't know.

What's for sure, I'll be leaving in a while, & will return with an update once I find a place with a wireless connection.

Yes, I see all of you, my dear faithful friends. Thanks for the constant encouragement & support towards my current situation. I love all of you.....

o v e r

2009-07-04T22:37:00.001+08:00

Over.

It's over.

After 3 years & 3 months, it's over today.

I'm......I'm speechless. I should have seen this coming.

This is simply too much for me to take...I'll let regret, tears & alcohol to consume me.
Until then...

This sorrow & despair will haunt me forever. And it will never, ever, heal.

a l o n e

2009-06-25T21:38:00.002+08:00

I was born to this world....alone.

I started off my life....alone.

I walked into kindergarden....alone.

I played with my toys....alone.

I entered adolescence....alone.

I went into Form 6....alone.

I stepped into university....alone.

I struggle through cruel worklife....alone.

I cried my way off an unsolvable relationship....alone.

I live the rest of my life....alone.

And...

I will leave this cruel & sad world....alone.

Ohhh......."me". "We" have been together since the day I was born....thanks for being there all these while.

No one will understand my sorrow & loneliness.

d i s t a n c e

2009-06-20T18:42:00.003+08:00

As I'm writing this post, I'm currently in a hotel room in Ipoh. As usual, I'm here to see my girlfriend, L.

However...

Today is much more different than before. And it really, really HURT me very deeply.

As I came to Ipoh today with the intention to stay overnight for a night until tomorrow (Sunday) just to see her for another day, it seems my effort had gone on waste due to the fact that she can't come out tomorrow due to "too much work & need to stay back home to complete". Well,nothing much I can say about her work as I do understand the dateline to complete her work will be end of next week. This is not what hurts me the most anyway.

What hurts the most today? I think I'll just cut the long story short with a simple summary.

No more sweet words from her mouth...

No more holding my hands tight...

No more hugging as before...

No more words from the heart...

Yes, it is THAT bad.

I can feel a distance appearing in between both of us. It never, ever, happen before to us, but
today, I can feel it. Feel the distance drifting both of us apart. After being together for 3 years & ongoing, we're now drifting apart with a distance? The distance just came out of the blue without me noticing it. Did I do or say anything wrong that might have offended her? Did her mum came to her & explain her SICK theory to brainwash her & seperate both of us? Did she found a better guy than myself? Worse come to worse...my greatest fear...

Did she gave up on me?

L, please, please don't be so cruel. Yes, I still remember the day you've "tried" to initiate a break-up on our relationship early last year, but it failed in the end due to the fact that we both still love each other so deeply. We had strive through the thick & thin of life, struggled through our final days with projects in university, hid our relationship well enough from the knowledge of both your restrictive parents all the while, love each other so deeply regardless of the physical distance between both of us, & most importantly, hold on & trust this relationship all the way through. This is a blessed promise between both of us; so please, please don't do anything to ruin it.

You know what? Just now while we were walking in Ipoh Parade, we were not holding hands like before. Not holding hands as a couple as you've mentioned that you are worried you might bump into someone you know. Seriously speaking, yes, no big deal about not holding hands. We're old & matured enough not to hold hands like some secondary school kids in love. Also, in case you didn't notice, the topics we've chatted all the way today were merely things you say to your ordinary friends e.g the clothes look good, look at the performance at the stage, there's no parking space in the mall, the watch is nice, etc. Not issues from the heart like what we used to chat. I'm not trying to say "Hey, let's be emotional & start off with issues which can make us cry" or things like that, but I just want to know what's the cause of the distance that is beginning to divide us, just in case you didn't notice. I've tried to ask you directly just now on what's wrong with us, but it seems like you didn't want to explain in further detail. All I can see from your face today is blank. Yes, blank. A blank, unsatisfied, troubled look. If you have something bad or serious you want to talk to me, please go ahead. Tell you something. Do you know all the while when I was walking with you just now at Parade, I feel we both look more like ordinary friends than a couple? And the feeling really, really suck THAT bad until I have to hold off my tears or else I'm going to break off crying like a baby in a public place like that. Why do I cry, you ask? How do you feel when the person you loved the most, even deeper than the love for his parents, walk side by side with you with a blank face like that, doesn't allow you to hold hands, doesn't react anymore to sweet talks or even matters from the heart, doesn't think twice about meeting him for a longer time due to the fact that he comes only fortnightly & all he wants is just a few more hours to be with his beloved girlfriend? And after both of us have done & suffered so much due to one simple restrictive order from your mum, now you stare at my face with a blank, cold look like that? How could you? I'm so, so hurt & torn apart today. Oh my God, now I'm crying. Gosh, a guy like me, crying in front of the laptop. This is so ugly, I just don't want to look at the mirror.

Arghhh, it's so hard to type with all the tears flowing down my cheek. Gonna stop writing this for now, too emotional to continue...

Time, please cure my wound. Or at least, tell me today is just a dream.

t r u t h - 2

2009-06-07T21:25:00.003+08:00

I'm hurt.

Not only hurt physically (I've actually strained my left hand & now typing in pain), but also hurt emotionally.

All the while, I always believe that being frank & telling the truth straight at other people's face when you don't like a person makes you a more respectable & truthful person.

I am so, so wrong.

These 2 weeks, I've faced several face-offs' with some of my colleagues (they came & talked to me personally & told me something real ugly....& when I say ugly, it's really THAT ugly). And after listening to those ugly things, I feel like sh*t. Seriously. The last time I felt like this was when I know I have to go to local university instead of my expected university which majors in another field I'm more interested in.

Well, the few colleagues who came & told me off........it's not really their fault. Really. They're just being frank & straight forward. They're just following the concept I've mentioned earlier bout telling people straight at the face that they don't like me. No big deal. Relationship between humans is one complicated matter, and up to this very day, I still do not understand this matter. Yes, I have to admit, I'm not a perfect person. I have many bad habits which tend to irritate people, I easily offend other people, I often say things which may have direct impact on others. But when people suddenly become straight forward & hostile, they will just drag you out of a place, stand in front of you, look at you straight in the eyes, and say "You s*ck".

Yes, I know I s*ck, but at least, please, try not to be so straight forward. Do you know a simple phrase like that will have direct impact on my emotions & thinking? And here I am, typing away with a hurt left hand, ranting how lousy is my mood now due to some dude who came straight to me like some mafia boss & telling me this kind of things straight at my face.

Thank you, Mr JF. You just ruined my life for the next few weeks.

I really need someone to talk to.....if only I can speak to you now, L. I miss you so, so much.

m e s s

2009-06-05T21:47:00.002+08:00

Yes, tied.

I'm just so tied up with life these days until I don't even have ample time to blog. Or even sh*t.

Yes, it's THAT bad.

Nevertheless, thanks a lot to my faithful followers of my blog out there. I know you are here occasionally to check on updates; it's just my bad I didn't come in here to at least give a quick update on what's happening at my side of this dark realm.

Back to the topic.

Many things happened during this duration of almost a month plus since I last update here. From my main scope of career-wise up to relationship, life, finance & even attitude, I saw, felt & listened to many things, both good & bad, to buck up on my life experiences.

One word to summarize it all.

Mess.

Yes, my life is in a mess right now.

To cut a long winded story short, here we go with the summary for each part.

Career & Finance....

The main topic I've been talking about all this while. Since my last post about J leaving the company, many have changed since then. My boss, Mr B, apparently STILL have some sense left in his head to go employ another person into my team. And yes, as expected, this new person who just came in not long ago, have the thought to leave this company after not even a full month working here.

Yes, my job is THAT ugly.

There are people asking me what the heck am I still wasting my time here doing something I don't like & getting stuck at places like this? If I'm still the old me, I will probably do the exact same thing I've did previously to my last jobs. Resign 1st, enjoy 2nd, find a new one 3rd.

But...

I guess I've started to think deeper & tend to look from a bigger picture 1st. If I do resign 1st & think of getting a job later, what will happen to me in the future? Financially speaking, I will lose my only source of income. Career speaking, I will spoil my own resume's reputation with repetitive resignations. And not to mention what I've said previously that I feel lazy looking for a job all over again.

Now what? I left this issue to drag on & on & on....and before I realize it, I'm already here for 6 months & this month is already my confirmation month. Check out the significant difference :

Before Confirmation:

2 weeks' notice for resignation
Basic salary
Basic job scope

After Confirmation :

3 freaking months for resignation
Same basic salary (no increment + bonus)
Extended job scope (more work)

Now tell me, what will YOU do if you were me? Stuck in an unproductive & not prospectful company like this while leaving myself to rot, or to get the heck out of here to become a beggar by the streets due to the loss of sole income? It's like a dead end at both sides. OMG.

Relationship & Matters from the heart...

I guess the only thing I don't need to worry much once I got myself a job is the number of times I go down to Ipoh to see my dear long-distance relationship girlfriend, L. It's really worth the bus ride of 6 hours in one single day, to-and-flo, just to see her. Looking at her face & holding her hand calms my soul & brings happiness to myself.

However...

Things began to change during the time I see her last weekend.

All of a sudden, she became cold to me. It's like whatever I've said & done has no effect on her. Come to think of it, the sms messages which was once sweet & filled with love & care are now merely messages to ask your current action at home & what you took for dinner. I've tried my very best to find out what is wrong with both of us but it seems like she's not telling me anything. Did her mum told her something about our relationship again? Did her colleagues at work provoked her to something? Did I do anything wrong to make her angry? Most importantly....

Does she not love me anymore?

Like it or not, I guess this question never fail to kill off many poor hearts. And I really, really do not want to be one of them. Both of us have struggled through the hard times, sneaking pass our relationship without her mum's knowledge, loving each other so deeply, strongly encouraging each other during our final year in university when everyone else were so tensed up with their final year project, travelled together to several places while enjoying ourselves, holding her close to my arms when she cries after arguing with her mum bout our relationship, & most importantly, how we look at each other with the love & passion.

And although I confess that the feel is still deep inside my heart, but last week when I look deep into her eyes, I see only cold, ice-cold eyes. No feeling, but I do notice heavy confusion clouds running above her head, as if she's thinking something really hard. Is it about us? Our relationship? Our future?

What's for sure, I will never, never let her go. I still love her as much as the first day we started dating. And I really, really, hope she feel the same too.

L, please don't look at me with that cold eyes. You're killing my heart off slowly without noticing.

Lastly, Attitude...

Something that I don't really notice much until one of my colleagues' reminded me bout this while we were chatting casually about our own personal attitudes. It seems like despite me changing most of my bad attitudes ever since I started dating with L, there seems to be still a lot more bad attitudes left with me. Among those that I felt was still within me :

- Stubborn.
- Money minded.
- Short tempered & emotional at times (but never shown physically or facially)
- Absent minded, yet doesn't like to take down notes.
- No vision for the future.
- Big spender.
- Too quiet & bad social person.

Ok, I'm THAT bad, I have so many bad attitudes, but will I manage to change myself soon? I don't know. I really, really don't know. The last time I've changed my bad attitudes, it was L who gave me the encouragement & support. But now that L is not by my side always & I tend to be alone, pondering where did I go wrong, I guess these habits stay. And people will continue to hate & avoid me.

Hate ? Avoid ?

Good. Let it be then. I love to be alone anyway.

Just leave me alone.

---

I guess this is enough for this time.

Arghhh, need more rest now. Need to go outstation tomorrow.

I'm such a loser.

c o n s i d e r a t i o n

2009-04-29T21:02:00.002+08:00

My dear teammate, best friend, colleague, J left my company today, as today is her last day after calculating all the remaining leaves' that she still have left.

There goes my teammate.

And now there's only me & my superior left in my unit of this department. And that's not the best part.

The best part is during our simple farewell lunch for J this afternoon with several colleagues joining me & J. From there, I realised that not only J (& me, in silence) who have thought of leaving this company for good, stop wasting your precious youth and get the heck out of this company. It seems like most of them are thinking the exact same thing !

Sometimes, when you just plainly look at your colleague's face, you can't really tell whether are they enjoying their job or not. Most people won't show it right at their face that their job s*cks like crap or the boss is some id**t who only knows how to point fingers & not considering employees' welfare at all. But then, when times like this, yes, times when one of your colleagues are leaving this "hell" and off to freedom land, only you will see some people's true intention & feedback towards their current job.

From what I observe, it seems that almost 90% of my colleagues in my department have the intention to leave this company. Yes, a freaking 90%. Huge number, that is, but I feel that only half of them are brave enough to tender their resignation letter to the boss once they get a better offer elsewhere. Reasons for discontent towards their job? Almost the same as me, but majority of them feels that there are no room for improvement in this job. For your information, everyone in my department are doing repetitive, routine robotic jobs and the worse part is we have to so-called "clean up all the sh*t" that my boss left after promising every single person out there that "We can handle the work. Just pass all the work to my employees." (which kind of explains why my department is the busiest in the whole corporation). I have a colleague who is even willing to quit this job for another job who pays RM500 lesser than his current salary! Imagine how bad is my current job.

Nevertheless, I really learn a lot of things here. How people react to different situations, how people handle stress, ugly office politics, lousy inconsiderate boss, insane timelines, and much more. I feel that I shouldn't be influenced by my other colleagues' who are "planning-to-leave" or even leaving this company soon. This is MY job, and at the end of the day, it's up to me, my own judgement, to determine whether is it worth it staying here? Is there still anything to learn here? Will there be good prospects if I continue staying here?

And when I've finally decided & got myself a certain, firm answer, I guess it's time again to update my resume and strive on to look for a more suitable job rather than wasting my precious youth here in this unproductive job.

Maybe I just need to be as firm as Grace for this one.

I'm not sure whether I can do it. I'm just so tired of looking for another job, over & over again.

Consideration is a tiring process.

Ohh, I need motivation !

t r u t h

2009-04-27T20:40:00.009+08:00

Slight deviation...

Sorry for the long absence. Was tied up with tons of never-ending work for the past few weeks (& still going on now). It's just that I left office early today due to an unexpected event. Read on...

End of deviation.

Most people that I know, told me to be good & nice to my boss so that life will be much easier in the office.

Some of my colleagues told me that my supervisor is a nice person, and I should appreciate her more.

However....

Today's events really opened my eyes to both my supervisor (let's just address her by 'A') & boss (let's just address him by 'B') 's true colors & personality.

.

..

....

As I was working today with Monday blues' still hanging around my head, I received an email from my team member (let's just address her by 'J'). That mail is NO ordinary mail. It's a farewell email, telling me that she have already tendered her resignation letter to my supervisor & Human Resource Department today.

Ok....that's a start to blow off my Monday blues.

Shocked, I read on the email that J sent me. It seems like she had enough of all these never-ending workload, unreasonable working hours, inconsiderate boss, & stuffs like that. (this is like reading my own thought for this job!) As such, she got herself another job nearby her house, and now she's bidding me farewell, byebye, take-care-&-be-good kind of stuff.

WTF ?

At 1st thought, I was thinking, "What the heck is this girl thinking? She joins later than me & now she's already leaving? What an id**t ! She should have at least given me an earlier notice so that I can prepare for all incoming crazy workload from now on!" But come to think of it....I can't blame her for this.

Everyone has their own reason for their actions. And J is not excluded in this scenario. This job is definitely not a perfect, or even near perfect kind of job for an IT person, what's more for an IT graduate like me. Doing repetitive work in an unbelievable short timeline with extreme pressure isn't a good thing for everyone. And I'm pretty sure J had enough of these nonsense, and here I am, reading her farewell email while her mind dozes off to the fancy & free surrounding outside this stressful & heartless corporate world.

As I was thinking so deeply about J's case, time just flew past me & before I notice it, it's already coming to late afternoon and all of a sudden, I got another surprise. This time, it's an SMS from my direct boss, B. It reads :

"Meet me at 17th floor at 4.45pm. From B"

Ok, now what?

Sharp 4.45pm, I went up the place he meant and waited for him. After several minutes, he came to the room, and closed the door. Ok, I could feel he meant business. This has either got something to do with J's resignation earlier this morning or I'm "unlucky" enough to get an early confirmation letter.

Ohh yes, I got the former reason right.

To cut a long story short, overall the "so-called-1-on-1-chat-session-with-your-boss" took a freaking 45 minutes with only me & my boss, B, on the conversation. And his first question to me was the standard nonsense question that all bosses will ask their employees' : "How is your work? Coping up well?" And since I have this thought of changing my job role ever since I feel this job of mine isn't going anywhere, I just blurted out the answer without much thought : "Not really." And from there, all discontent feelings were just blasted out like flowing water. I guess this session is meant to be like this anyway, what's more I feel this session is for me to voice out my opinion so that I won't end up like J or something.

Overall, the 2 main things I'd asked him was :

Q1 - Can I change my job role? My current one s*cks like CRAP. (well, I didn't said the last part, but the 1st part is true)

Q2 - The crazy ridiculous datelines are killing me ! Any way to make it more logical?

And the answers I've got was :

A1 - Yes, but you have to wait until end of the year when I'm done reshuffling our ENTIRE team.

A2 - Can't be helped. It's part of business requirement.

Please, please pardon me for the harsh words which I'll be saying from now on, as I'm simply TOO PISSED OFF with these kind of answers.

I mean, WHAT THE F**K are you saying, B? Wait until you reshuffle the team? Hello, Mr B, can't you see I'm getting sick & pissed off with my current job role? It's a bl**dy h*ll repetitive sh*t job which doesn't require any IT knowledge or an IT graduate to do. I just trap myself in the office, look at the computer screen, does the repetitive & sometimes illogical work again & again EVERY FREAKING DAY & now you ask me to wait until end of this year for a simple job role change internally?

And the second answer. Hey, id**t boss, me & you are humans. We are the same, mere humans. Ok, maybe you're NOT human due to the fact that you work 12 hours a day EVERY DAY & you don't even need to sleep. What you needed are work, a computer & an Internet connection to stay alive. I'm not like you. I mean, not everyone is like you. Everyone here, or should I say, EVERYONE ON EARTH has something you definitely don't have. And it's called LIFE. Let me spell it out for you, L.I.F.E. And the meaning of this word is defined as going out there & enjoy it before you die the next day with your computer & LAN cable by your side. Timeline are dead, abstract objects which determine the lifetime of a software lifecycle. But we humans are living beings, with our own thinking, personality, & most importantly, life. So, WHAT THE F**K is wrong with you & your timeline? Can't you see which is more important, the welfare of your staff or the short & ridiculous timeline of your pathetic projects? To tell you the truth, id**t boss, if you were to continue being like this, I bet all your staff will be gone sooner or later & then you're left with just you & your "possible-to-achieve" project datelines. Now go to H*LL. NOW.

Back to the topic.

After I'm done talking to B, I came out of the room, and there I see J waiting anxiously outside the room. I asked J, "What are you doing here?" She replied, "B told me to see him. A called me just now too." I just simply said "Good luck" and went back to my work place downstairs.

And then...

I just leave the office with my head fuming with anger & discontent.

I really, really don't understand why both A & B think this way. What's wrong with them? Just look at J's resignation and the effect on both myself & J. A simple resignation and look at the fuss that B took to speak to both of us in order to "so-called" get our feedback & indirectly, I suppose, to convince J to stay on. People just don't appreciate your hardwork, sweat & h*ll you've been through to get your job done on time. It has been uncountable times when both me & J struggled so hard to get things done on time & to fulfill the ridiculous impossible timeline set by B. We stayed back so late, we cracked our heads to think of a faster way to get things done, and we try to finish up everything nicely. And look what we got in return? Nothing to learn, nothing goes into the knowledge base of our heads, and all we got are bad health, seeds of discontent, extreme fatigue and now we have to bear with these nonsense & ineffective "feedback session".

And now...here I am, at home, writing away & planting my seeds of discontent upon this dark blog of mine.

Sometimes, I feel you're the only one who truly understand me, darkness blog. Yes, I know you don't response to my every move like my dear darling, L, but you are always by my side, listening & providing me with the platform to just blurt out whatever discontent, anger, rage, confusion, sorrow, & every negative thought that can be in my head. And now that I'm done complaining bout how pathetic & id**t f**ks both A & B can be, I'm off to get a good night's sleep.

Good night, people.

Arghhh, need to take on the work again tomorrow.

p a s t

2009-04-02T22:32:00.002+08:00

A colleague of mine asked me to have breakfast together early this morning, as I happen to arrive at the office around the same time as him. While I was walking towards the stall to meet up my colleague, I saw......

..

....

......

My ex-boss.

And he didn't see me (in case you're wondering) because he was busy chatting with his wife (yes, I recognise that lady) that time. I was crossing this busy street in front of my office, and then I saw him & his wife walking at the opposite side of the road. No time for me to even call him or say hi, as he was quite a distance away.

Well, nothing fancy with bumping my ex-boss by the streets, it is just...this feeling. This small, tiny feeling that struck me directly through myself. The feeling that the past is still not over. No, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to mean that once I see my ex-boss, I will become an idiot & return to work back at my previous company. It's just that all of a sudden, I feel slightly guilty.

Yes, guilty.

If you are a faithful reader of my blog, you will know that the main reason I quit my last job was because it was stressful. And then, after going through hell at the 2nd job, I'm now at my 3rd job, in which I'm barely persevering with all the crazy datelines, workload & stress kicking in a good ol' city job. And why guilty? Because I felt I am sorry for resigning from my 1st job (as the ex-boss that I saw is the boss of the 1st company I've worked with). But I have to also thank him for giving me a chance to see the world from a different perspective. With this, comes all the "What if I stayed in my previous company ?" & a whole load of "What if ..." haunting the rest of my life. No, I don't want to live under this shadow forever.

To make things simplier, I just feel tired. Plain tired of looking around for an ultimate, high paying job with no stress and maximum luxury time. Tired of looking around for easy job. Tired of looking for jobs which I can leave sharp on time. Tired of looking for a great & understanding boss. Tired of feeling restless & guilty after a series of unexpected events.

Enough of thinking for today. Off to sleep, as I'm currently suffering from fever, flu, cough & sore throat, all in one go. Taking MC tomorrow.

When shall my suffering finally end?

d i r e c t i o n

2009-03-29T20:56:00.002+08:00

It's been almost 3 months since I last started this job of mine.

And....

I feel I'm going nowhere.

No sense of direction, like a lost child.

Ever since I started playing my REAL role for my job on January, I've already sense this coming. The feeling that this job isn't what I wanted to do in the 1st place. It's not that I'm hinting on another change of job (I'm kind of, through with switching jobs previously & I'm just plain lazy to find another one again). It's just that there is no more interest, no more satisfaction in this job. For now, it's just plainly working for cash, cash & nothing else. It's simply for the sake to earn a living.

Many reasons contribute to this factor that yes, I hate my job again. The whole, same old story repeats itself. Just that it comes in a different package this time. Yes, many factors. The main one, I have to say, is no interest in the job I'm doing. Besides that, crazy long working hours, unreasonable boss, repetitive & tedious work, & ridiculous project timelines contribute greatly to the demotivation process too. Oh yes, it's just so easy to write up a nice resignation letter, put it up on a nice envelope, write my boss's name on it, and pass it to him on the next working day. As easy as that.

However...

Thinking from a further perspective, quiting your job at the middle of an upcoming economic downturn is a bad move. REAL bad move. You can say bye bye to your company, but that doesn't guarantee you a better job at another company asap. As such, I've decided to stay put to this company (although the job is KILLING me by day) and come up with a different plan.

A plan to change my job role.

No, not transferring to another department. It's just an internal transfer within my own unit. And I really, really hope my boss will consider my decision throughly, because as time passes by, I began to hate my current job role deeper & deeper. It's kind of like, waking up every morning on a weekday, on a lousy mood telling you that "You need to continue your crappy job again today". And you know how sucky it is. But by doing this, not only I can still keep my job & primary source of income intact, but I can also change my job role to a better one. Maybe changing to an Implementor (who implements projects & conduct training for users) can make a great change.

I don't know. I really, really don't know.

Final decision comes from my boss. And the worst part is I don't know how, when & where should I start from?

Ohhh courage, come to me.

s i n g l e

2009-03-14T23:39:00.002+08:00

"Huh, are you serious? Alone?"

"Errmmm....single room? Sorry, minimum is twin sharing."

"No, no. Only two people minimum. Go get a friend or something."

"You don't have friends to go with you?"

"Harr??"

"Are you OK?"

I guess most of you know what I meant by the conversations above. They are true, real responses "thrown" to me during my visit to MATTA Fair 2009 today, organised by MATTA to promote tourism. For most Malaysians, I believe, this is the place where you can get cheap bargain for vacations, both locally & internationally. And I really mean it when I say CHEAP. (well, that is IF you can survive the crowd & you have good observation / comparison / eagle eyes).

Ok, enough with definitions. Back to my case.

The title of this post explains it partially. The real story is.....as always, I miss Terengganu. I miss it so, so much that sometimes when I'm really stressed out due to excessive work or pressure, once I'm back home & my mind is set on rest mode, the sight of Terengganu comes in. The sandy beaches, the tranquility, the silence, the wind, the waves, the peace. No traffic jams, no clubs, no shopping complexes, no ugly & impatient drivers, only nice & friendly people.

Which is why as per previous years, I'll be returning to Terengganu again. Besides revisiting the place I miss so much, I can get some nice, great, island feeling and also attend my juniors' convocation which will most probably fall on end of July *fingers crossed*

To keep a long story short, the main reason I've visited MATTA Fair today was to get the best & affordable offer for a nice island trip, all by MYSELF. Yes, this may sound sadist & weird to some people, but I'm saying I'll be going for this island trip all by myself because yes, I'm the kind of people who likes to do things alone. All alone, without anyone accompanying me. Which kind of explain why, or how do I manage to get sarcastic & pathetic responses earlier in this post.

I really don't get it at all. Yes, I know it's part of their sales' tactic to put up a freaking cheap price up on their brouchers & banners to promote the cheap tours' & packages that they are offering (it's simple : they just put up an attractive price tag, say, RM220 for a 3D2N full package trip to Redang. And then.....they put up a small, tiny, weenie asterisk symbol next to it, mentioning terms & conditions apply. Guess what are the terms? Quad sharing basis, or 50% deposit upon booking. Ugly enough?) But this isn't the exact thing that is bothering me.

The main thing that is bothering me is the number of island resorts in Terengganu that offers single accomodation / packages.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

The number of resorts in Malaysia that offers single accomodation / packages.

Yes, it is THAT bad.

Everyone needs their own private time. For myself, I'm the same in this case, it's just that I need more private time than everyone else. For some people, say, my elder sister. She can't travel (or even live) alone ; all her travelling are done with at least a minimum of 2 persons. Well, I don't blame her for this, as I'm sure most people would feel the same too (which explains the popular Twin Sharing concept). But what happens if someone needs to get away with everything & everyone, as they just need some time alone? What happens if someone is heart-broken, stressed out, and needed more space to breathe more fresh air alone, without the disturbance of anyone else, even their spouse? I have to say, I'm neither heart-broken nor too stressed out, but I just want some private time alone, without any company, without anybody to bother me with my activities. Just me, alone, with my good ol' faithful sound of silence. The gentle breeze from the sea at night. The "blue tears" from the sands of sea, which I love to see & feel. The bright stars shining across the clear dark skies between land & sea.

Oh gosh, the abstract elements are pouring out. Back to reality now.

After searching high & low in the fair for island tour packages that offer single accommodation, I'd manage to find a few resorts which are still offering these kind of service. And the finding are.....ermm....fascinating. The pricing for single accommodation are sky high, I guess even higher than the stock market graph thing. According to the agents, it seems like if you're living alone in the resort, it's kind of wasting the resort's resources. As such, they will have "no choice" but to overcharge me with insanely ridiculous high prices.

However...

I didn't give up. I continued searching again for a more affordable single accommodation package around, and I finally found one in Kapas Island Resort. (for your information, I don't do sponsored post, so don't worry).Ohh yes, no more Redang, no more Perhentian, no more Lang Tengah, here comes Kapas Island, the closest island to mainland Terengganu. Some say that you can even SWIM to the island if you are fit enough. Wow. Anyway, they still charge me an extra surcharge of RM60 per night for single accommodation, which makes the overall pricing more expensive, but for me, I feel that overall, the price is quite reasonable. Getting a 3D2N stay at Pulau Kapas, all in, for one person, cost me less than RM400. Definitely not a good bargain in a "everything-must-be-cheap" travel fair, but the main point is I can go alone. I can go to an island, all alone.

ALL ALONE !!!

Wow.

Next challenge on the list : Getting approval for long leave from my workaholic boss who thinks that EVERYDAY is a working day.

Travelling alone is not weird....ahhh, the joy of loneliness.

e n d l e s s

2009-03-01T00:40:00.005+08:00

It's not over yet.

It looks endless. My current outstanding work for my job is not done yet, status last updated on Friday which is "supposed" to be the dateline to complete everything.

In case you're wondering what the heck am I saying above, to make things short, I can't seem to finish up my work. No matter how late I stayed back after work, no matter how much effort & enthusiasm I put in to complete the work in time, it's useless. The only thing I can see is all my effort down the drain, the amount of work can't seem to reduce by time, and I have not only one boss now, but I have another additional supervisor to keep track with my work. Oh gosh.

-- Slight deviation --

Well, to make things short, all the while since the day I reported to work, I'm under the supervision of a manager, let's just call him the "boss". Well, as per my previous posts, I've explained what type of person my boss is. So, it kind of last for 2 months until...my boss employed another person, an assistant manager, now let's call her "supervisor", to take charge of my division.

That's exactly when hell breaks loose.

My new supervisor is from a totally different background from what is needed here. You see, she's from a pure HR (Human Resource) background, and now my boss employs her to be my superior to take charge of my division, which involves lots (& I mean, LOTS) of IT (Information Technology) tweaking. So, now, tell me from a layman's point of view, do HR & IT go well together? Answer?

NO.

So what in the f**king h*ll is she doing here ??

Nothing besides ordering me around to finish up her stuffs, in which she totally has NO FREAKING IDEA.

And please do not ask me to tell it straight to my boss, I've already did so and the only bl**dy answer I get was "Don't worry-lah, she's a person with 10+ years of experience & knowledge, and I'm sure she can teach you lots of new things. She's my ex-colleague in Company XYZ and I know her capability".

WTF??

Hey, Mr Boss, if you're going to employ someone who has vast knowledge & experience in IT or in the area that I'm covering right now for you, as my superior, I'm contented with all my heart & will because I know I can learn a lot more things from that person. But NOW you've employed someone who is experienced in something ELSE who is your ex-colleague and now you expect me to learn from her? Expect me to learn from a person who don't even KNOW what to do when a PC hangs, or start whining & complaining when the website doesn't load, when in fact, she simply mistype the slash character in the web address as "\" instead of "/" ? What do you expect me to learn from her, Mr Boss? HR? Sewing? or whining?

OMG.

-- Deviation ended. --

With the sudden shock appearance of my supervisor, now I'm lost. Totally lost in confusion, not to forget the tons & tons of pilling work, waiting for me to complete with an already overdue dateline, no helping hand, and a bl**dy supervisor who doesn't help out (or should I rephrase that to "don't know where to start"?)

I've been working for a constant 13 hours per working day for the past 2 weeks in order to finish up the work, but it keeps coming & coming like ants. Now I have a bad headache, my eyes are blurring whenever I see my company PC's monitor, and I have a great supervisor who are not willing to learn up new skills & rather bug me with questions whenever her PC hangs or she needs to change the resolution of her Windows OS.

Ohh, someone help me please...

Glad the weekend's here to save me "temporarily" from further unnecessary stress.

Come to daddy, Mr Hoegaarden & Ms Stella Artois.

Another day before hell continues...

v a l e n t i n e s '

2009-02-14T21:46:00.002+08:00

Today, 14th February 2009.

Valentine's Day.

As I'm writing this blog post, I'm now sitting alone in a hotel room at Ipoh. Yes, you didn't read anything wrongly, your eyes are not playing games with you, and that is definitely NOT a typo. To my regular blog readers who knew my story all along, you will definitely ask "Where is your girlfriend, L?"

Oh yes, L. My lovely girlfriend. The one & only person, & purpose, that provides me with the inspiration & determination to come to Ipoh every fortnightly (sometimes even weekly, depending on condition). On ordinary basis, it's usually a one-day-trip from KL to Ipoh, leaving early in the morning and returning by evening. But on special occassions like this (it's Valentines') or maybe I'm just too tired on that particular day, I usually won't over-stress myself and I will opt to stay overnight at a hotel. Cheap one, that is, but it's decent enough to last me a night with air-con & water heater.

Back to the topic.

"Where is L?"

She's now sitting at home. In case you're wondering, yes, me & L are still on, we're still a happy couple, and there's no issues (so far) between both of us. It's just...just that she can't come out at night. Still remember that this relationship is hidden from the view of her strict parents, especially her mum, Mrs C ? Ohh yes. Which kind of explains why am I left alone here in Ipoh without my girlfriend on Valentines'.

For myself, in terms of relationship, I'm someone who can easily get contented. Yes, today's Valentine's Day, L DID came out for a date with me, we went for Valentines' lunch, I gave her some gifts, we took a short stroll along Ipoh Parade, she sends me back to the hotel, she quickly rushes back home to avoid further questioning & "blasting" from Your Honor. Yes, it's as short as this sentence, yet I'm already contented. Why?

Because...

Thinking from her perspective, it's not easy to hide such a huge secret from your parents, what's more, she's your mum who raised you up, Josh Groban style, and now she forbids you from having a relationship with EVERYBODY, unless you're a neighbour who stays nearby, owns a Mercedes Benz & a double-storey terrace house, looks like Brad Pitt & have an extremely stable job, so stable that if ever one day the WHOLE WORLD goes on recession, you're still working fine. Ok, I'm exaggerating on the last part, but a fact is fact. I'm not talking bad bout her mum behind her back now, it's just...

I feel sad and heart broken for L.

If you would ask me, "Do you love her?", I will definitely answer a "YES!", no doubt. Which is why I feel sad for her. It's not her choice to have a mum like this, and I do know that she loves me as much as I do. It's just this, this "obstacle" which is blocking our path to free relationship & happy endings. Wait, let me rephrase that. It's the "CHALLENGE" which is blocking our path now. Since the day both of us left Terengganu to return to our respective home, I'm trying to be positive and I kept telling myself, "We will make it though this".

But now...

Today L suddenly reminded me out of the blue that we've been together for almost 3 years already, exactly 3 years when it hits 13th April this year which happens to be our dating anniversary. No specific reasons behind L doing that, but for me, I feel that after 2 years of graduation, I didn't do much to achieve the target to overcome the "CHALLENGE". Not to say I didn't put any effort on it, I tried visiting her mum several times to talk my way through but I failed, I tried to stick hard to my jobs in order to raise funds but I tend to get sucky & lousy jobs which forces me to quit & look for another one, I tried moving on my career at Ipoh but I failed, and basically now I'm back to square one with a whole bunch of failures' behind my back.

What have I done?

People say Valentine's Day is the day to share the love, I say Valentine's Day is the day for me to count out my failures' and throw myself deep into HELL.

Enough of this. Already 8.12pm, going out for dinner alone now.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Such a miserable dilemma.

h e l l

2009-02-08T14:14:00.005+08:00

I survived!

Oh yes, I survived through "hell". "Hell" of working 13 hours per day from this Tuesday up to Friday in order to rush something which is supposed to end by Friday. And in the end? The work was not completed due to its excessive quantity. And now I have to survive through the fear that my boss will ring me up anytime (even during weekends' & public holidays) to get the status on the work.

The evil side (& the side I always favor) tells me the exact same thing I've been posting here in my blog since my last job : This job sucks. What's more, I have a crazy workaholic boss who ignores rest time & public holidays to get things done. I'm definitely overworked and this has caused huge impact on my health (since I've been suffering from fatigue & headache for the whole week already). I'm getting slightly out of my mind already with all these workload until I have to go to Google and start searching for "how do I love my job". And it failed miserably regardless of what motivational articles I read. I'm beginning to fear (and hate) going to work. I always feel that the 2 days off on weekends' is insufficient for me although this is considered good as compared to other people who need to work on Saturdays. I have not been going online or doing other leisure stuffs for the whole week already as my daily routine for the week (or should I say, since I started work?) is sleep, wake up, work, work, work, back home, eat, sleep. Don't even have time to post something up here in my blog when both my body (& spirit) is down the drain, and when I needed to vent all my frustration out. Due to this, all unsatisfaction & frustration is kept deep inside, simply left lying around & waiting for a time to "explode". And I'm not sure when will it happen.

On a brighter side (and the side I always do not fancy)....

It's not easy to get another job now, what's more with the current economic slowdown and mass retrenchments you see everyday in papers. As such, since I already got myself a stable job (yes, this job is stable enough to strive through all the nonsense going through the economy), it's best for me to persevere in this and work on as if nothing happen (I clearly doubt I can do this). Besides this, when thinking from a different perspective, my current boss have his own boss on top too. He is not the owner of the company, and he has his own superior to report to as well. As such, sometimes I feel "slightly" pity for him. Pity him that he has no life besides working (he's at his 40's and still single, by the way). Sometimes I wonder, if I continue working on a frenzy like this, will I end up being like him? He's like a reflection of myself in another 20 years or so, if I continue to work like this. Well, one thing is for sure, his boss is one lucky man.

Tomorrow will be a replacement holiday due to Thaipusam falling on a Sunday, and this is definitely a good consolation for me to get more rest to continue the "fight" next week. And from now on, I guess the only personal & leisure time I have is on the "little" weekends' I have at the end of every week. And that is at the expense of suffering for 5 working days first.

Ohh my dear Pelfy, now I consider to become a journalist already. Too bad IT doesn't fit well with journalism.

s u c k s

2009-01-31T09:33:00.003+08:00

Starting work on 4th day of Chinese New Year when everyone else is still on holiday mood
--- Sucks.

Getting insufficient sleep due to numerous 'unavoidable' events
-- Sucks.

Suffering from fatigue (again) when starting work, causing loss of concentration & energy
-- Sucks.

Having a fanatic workaholic Chinese boss who DOESN'T celebrate Chinese New Year (no, he's not a Christian) and worked all the way through it
-- Sucks.

Manage to complete a work which took a whole week to complete, and now Mr. Crazy Boss expects me to complete another similar but much heavier load of work in 1 FREAKING DAY
-- BLOODY INSANELY SUCK.

It's good that weekends & public holiday (KL day) are here to give myself a short break.

When shall I stop ranting about my job? Humans are so....demanding.

c n y

2009-01-25T17:37:00.004+08:00

A weird looking cow with clothes spotted at IKEA, Mutiara Damansara. Oh gosh, somebody save me.

It's time for the Chinese occasion again.

Chinese New Year, or CNY in short.

Frankly speaking, I do not see any significant difference in this occasion. Maybe because I've been through several CNY's without much change, resolutions & wishes. The only thing that got into my mind when CNY's here is just :

- Angpows a.k.a CASH to refill my funds.
- Lots (& I mean, LOTS) of food to increase your weight by a few kilograms. - Empty streets & no traffic jam in the city.
- Insanely long holidays (except for me, that is).
- Heavy 'bombardment' of CNY SMS'es to blow up your phone inbox to smithereens.
- Bright red stuffs hanging everywhere.
- Chinese zodiac animals seen almost EVERYWHERE you go. (I'm getting kinda sick with cows, bulls, and animals with horns).

Grr...Seems like I can't enjoy my CNY well as I used to be.

Happy Chinese New Year to all Chinese readers.

c l u b b i n g

2009-01-18T20:57:00.004+08:00

Date Attended : 17/01/09 (Saturday)

Time Attended : 12am - 4am

Location : Phuture room, Zouk KL.

Reason : Accompany cousin bro to cousin sis's birthday party.

Times been to a club : 3rd (including this time)

Feel : Numb, stoned, weird feeling with diluted liquors.

Number of people : Legions & zounds.

Girls with heavy make-ups : Dozens.

Pretty girls' phone numbers : Nil.

Socialising : Nil.

SUMMARY : I'll never go clubbing. Ever again.

Arghhh, need to work tomorrow. The thought makes me puke.

g r a t i t u d e . . . . ?

2009-01-13T19:36:00.007+08:00

Last Friday, I stayed back after work until 9pm to finish up my outstanding jobs before the weekend. As such, I sacrificed my leisure time by rejecting an offer for a drink that night with an old friend who just came back from Australia & will be leaving back end of this month. Finally, I got the job done & went back home with only me & my boss left in the office by that time.

This week...as I've already done my previous job, I have no more outstanding jobs to be done besides waiting for more jobs to come. My senior, who just came back from her long leave last week, gave me a short briefing about upcoming jobs. Nothing fancy, just that she missed the part that I stayed back late. At the end of the briefing, she told me "You better be ready to stay back late after the upcoming jobs arrive. No more going back early like you usually do, and you might have to come back on Saturday & Sunday to finish up your stuffs".

Errrmm...excuse me? What's with the 'going back early' part?

Ok, frankly speaking, I don't blame her for saying that. I'm not offended. I have to admit, for some days, I do go back early e.g 30mins after the official working hours and going back home that time is considered early as almost the whole office is still filled with people that time (yes, all my colleagues are THAT hardworking). Which is why she said I go back early previously. But I do have my own reason to go back early & it's not for fun.

For me, I always feel that it's equally fair to go back home early after you finish all your outstanding jobs or you have nothing else better to do (which is a really rare case). Instead, if I'm loaded with tons of outstanding & seems-to-be-neverending-line-of-jobs, I rather sacrifice my personal & leisure time to finish it up, no matter what (as per what happened last Friday).

But after receiving that kind of remark from my senior, I feel slightly hurt. Not the deep hurt kind of thing, but I personally feel that all my hardwork, determination to finish up my job asap & time sacrificed to finish them, is not appreciated. No, I don't expect everyone in my office to start a party to celebrate my hardwork or present me with an award for my work. I only request for a little gratitude, is that too much to give? A little, maybe just a simple pat at the back? Or a wide, friendly smile? Why do she have to utter those kind of remark to me?

Arghh...let it be. Leave it to be. I'll continue to work hard, and hopefully one day everyone will notice my determination & enthuasism in work.

'Dreaming' for that day to come. When, I wonder?

w e e k e n d s

2009-01-11T00:45:00.009+08:00

DISCLAIMER : This is a totally random post. Kindly ignore if you prefer logical or interesting reads, or you can always refer to my blogroll on the right. Thanks for dropping by.

Weekends.

2 non-working days.

The time I've waited, waited, & waited after 5 days' of work. Yes, I'm exaggerating, but the fact that working for 5 days & having 2 days' off still don't really get into my head....yet. Maybe the fact that my previous jobs always leave me with one single, weeny day off for every week. Guess I got abit 'too' used to '1-day-off-per-week' concept.

If it was the 'old' me, I will be jumping around in joy with the 2 days' off day for weekends. But now, I feel that weekends are merely 2 ordinary days when you don't have to report to work. Time flies, and before you even begin to enjoy your weekend & get your much awaited rest, it's already over and Monday hits you hard on the head with a 'BANG'! And then....Monday blues kicks in, and well, the week passes by real slowly. And I really mean it when I say slow. It's as if time crawls slower than both turtle & snail combined together. Weekends? It's just like Japanese bullet train. 'Whoosh' it goes, and before you even notice, it's over.

I know I might sound selfish in this post. Compared to other people who might have to work on Saturdays (and even Sundays' in the case of Sales Assistants or Helpdesk Support), I'm considered one of the lucky bunch. But I've been a Sales Assistant and Helpdesk Support myself previously, and comparing my previous job scopes' with my current one, I wonder, which is more worth it? Working like crazy until you don't even notice weekend's here, or working like crazy while praying weekend is here faster? Notice the words in bold, and tell me which one you prefer.

For me, I prefer the former, but my current job forces me to be with the latter.

Somebody save me, arghh.

2 0 0 9

2009-01-01T15:27:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year 2009, everyone.

You've seen the fireworks, experienced the crowd, feel the heat, counted down the countdown, and partied your heart out during New Year's Eve, every year. For me this year, no countdowns', no parties', no ugly crowds, just a few cans of beer at home is enough for me to bid 2008 goodbye.

One easy question.

What's next?

Yes, a very easy question, yet many find it difficult to answer this question. People began writing down & planning their New Year resolutions' before New Year, hoping that the beginning of this new year sparks off a new start to their lives. But did they really sit down and think hard, will the resolutions' ever work out? What's next on the list for this new year?

For me, I'm lost.

Totally lost.

And I feel the passiveness is taking me on.

Ever since I got back from Ipoh, ever since I noticed the change in myself, I feel that I love being alone, avoiding parties and places' with lots of people. I like places where there are less people, I like places which are peaceful & quiet; places as quiet as a library. I like to be in places where I don't need to think too much about how much I'll need to spend for this & that; instead I just spend with a carefree mood. I like to just turn off my phone for one single day, and spend the day off without hearing the phone ring.

But...

I feel that my wishes are kinda impossible, unless I opt for early retirement to Terengganu or some sort. And thinking of this when you just got yourself a decent job is bad. Real bad.

Currently sitting at home & enjoying the loneliness & silence as everyone went out for their much needed dose of window-shopping-at-shopping-complexes-with-the-crowd.

I guess I'm getting old real fast.

Time, please pass me by.

f a r e w e l l

2008-12-25T16:49:00.004+08:00

On a seperate note...
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to everyone!

Farewell to my good ol'....

Companion,

Partner,

Friend.

.

..

...

And I'm not talking about a person.

It's my good ol' faithful car.

(Let's just address 'him' as CJ)

Today is Christmas, and also the same day CJ is sold off to other people due to 'old age' and also due to the severe pressure from my parents. If you've noticed above, I never mentioned that CJ is merely a car or a vehicle; he's my close friend. A really close friend of mine ever since I got my driving license on the year 2001 which was like 7 years back. A trustworthy and close partner whom I dedicate most of my transportation needs' in KL / PJ for the past 7 years until I came back from Terengganu with a motorbike and finally a new car.

In fact, initially I didn't want to sell off CJ due to the fact that I can still drive around to nearby places with him. However, both my parents and (almost) all my other relatives insist to sell off CJ, saying that he is really too old (for your information, he's already 31 years old) and it will be very dangerous for me to drive such an old vehicle around hectic places, especially in KL town area. Moreover, they said that the maintenance costs are too high for CJ and it's more reasonable to buy a new vehicle than to continue wasting money on CJ's high maintenance (which kind of explains why I'm 'forced' to buy a new car). Yes, I have to admit that there's some logic in what they're saying, but still...

I just can't let him go.

There's this feeling...this 'close' feeling I have with CJ. It's like being forced to part ways with a friend you've known for 7 years, and you seriously don't like it. Seriously, if given a choice, I rather not buy the new car and stick to CJ despite all the reasons mentioned above. CJ is my best friend. Once you lose a best friend, it's not easy to get another one back asap. It's not like those Chinese saying "if the old doesn't go, the new doesn't come" kind of nonsense. It's not like if you lose something, you can go buy another new one to replace it. It's this feeling...this longing feeling to be with your friend that hinders me from letting it go...leaving him to follow a new owner who is a total stranger to myself.

And the most scary part is what the new owner is going to do with CJ after he owns CJ. Will he totally destroys CJ to gain scrap metal? Will he cuts CJ into half as part of those 'kereta potong'? Will he re-sell CJ to reckless uncle drivers'? or will he simply treat CJ as well as how I treated him all the while? I'll never know.

But in the end...

I lost the struggle.

'Thanks' to my mum, today CJ is sold off to an uncle who claims to be a second-hand car dealer. Both my parents & me went on to pass CJ to this uncle, & after negotiating the price, terms & conditions, etc, he agreed to buy CJ. And from there itself, I asked the uncle THE critical question.

"May I know what are you going to do with CJ?"

Well, his answer is kind of expected due to his occupation, but it's always safer to double-check, isn't it? So he answered me with the expected answer, nothing fancy. Let's just hope he's an honest person.

Deal done, uncle left with CJ. And what's left with me are sorrowful emotions. Yes, I'm being emotional to a non-living object, but you can't blame me. Being together with CJ for 7 years have developed a bond between both of us, and a sudden farewell like this will definitely ignite emotional breakdown. I know at times, I'm an emotional person, but I'm also a person who treasure long-lasting relationship, be it with living or non-living objects. This may sound crazy or even idiotic to some people, but this is me. Nothing will change it.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you so, so much, CJ. I really do. And I will always remember today, the day I see you go.

I guess this is the saddest Christmas ever for me.

As always.

t h e - - c r o w d

2008-12-19T15:19:00.008+08:00

2 posts in a day.

Something very minor & insignificant for a regular blogger, but not for a person like me. And now, today, for the 1st time, I'm posting twice on the same day.

Not too bad for a non-regular blogger.

One, I wanted to separate 2 totally different topics into 2 posts. Two, I wanted to post up this issue before I forget it by tomorrow (yes, my memory is that bad).

Back to the issue. Initially, I'm suppose to go collect the offer letter today at 9am from the Human Resource (HR) Department at my future office in Jalan Sultan Ismail, KL. And try guessing what time did I actually reach Jalan Sultan Ismail?

7.10am.

Crazy? Definitely. Idiotic? Well, part of it.

Now, you ask me, "What the heck am I going to the place so early for? Also, what am I going to do there for like, 2 hours?! "

The main reason I went to the place so freaking early is because I want to avoid the crowd. THE CROWD. For people who often take public transport to work in KL (especially LRT or Monorail), you people know what I meant by not only the usual, ordinary crowd, but THE CROWD (note the bold & caps). Some simple characteristics & stats about THE CROWD:

- Strikes most viciously at peak hours at weekdays (from 7.30am to 10am & from 5pm to 8pm), whole day on weekends & public holidays.

- Comes in various size, gender, race & origin.

- Professional & office staff are not excluded & they make up the majority of this crowd.

- Often target popular public transportation, namely Putra LRT, Star LRT, KTM Komuter & KL Monorail.

- Often (& obviously, most of them) are impolite, hostile, cuts queue better than Malaysians on the road, rushes to entrance of LRT as if that's the last freaking LRT on planet Earth while ignoring poor outgoing passengers.

- Either have ugly & smelly body odour or "outrageous" fragrance due to excessive perfume / cologne.

- Pushes stronger than The Incredible Hulk, especially when the LRT's full.

- Totally inconsiderate as elder people & pregnant ladies are left to squish together with the other "sardines in the can".

Which is why I mentioned I was only part of "idiotic" previously.

Yes, I'm so stupid to sacrifice my lovely-dovey sleep time for the sake to avoid this ugly, unbearable phenomenon happening every day at the only public transport I can take to my new workplace. Hmmm, how about alternative transportation methods, you say?

Riding my motorbike?
Yes, you can definitely avoid THE CROWD, but you can't avoid THE DANGER. Moreover, I have.....ermm, insufficient insurance. Get away, insurance agents.

Driving my car?
Yes, I can also opt to drive there, but please remember this is KL & NOT Ipoh. Traffic jam kills, and if that doesn't kill you, the parking will.

Carpooling?
Might happen, but I don't know anyone yet besides my immediate supervisor & her boss. Gosh.

Which basically leaves me with no choice besides public transport. And trust me, I feel like I'm on heaven when I hop onto an LRT with so little people & cooler air-con. What's more, with the dark skies & the silence in the morning...just what I wanted.

And also for the 2 hours' I'm there, I can always look for a mamak / food stall nearby and have a nice cuppa' tea while reading 'The Sun' free newspaper or the book 'Exit A' by Anthony Swofford which I'm currently reading.

Frankly speaking, studying in Terengganu & working in Ipoh previously have caused such a big impact to my psychology & mindset. I'm no longer the city boy I was born to be; instead I'm slowly evolving to a village boy staying in the city. I no longer love to hear the sound of exhaust pipes & look at luxurious skyscrapers; instead I long for quiet & silent beaches with less people. I no longer fancy Kopi 'O' & Frappucino's at Starbucks; instead I long for Teh 'O' & 'taugeh Chicken' more than anything else.

I guess the change is for the better good.

And I'm sure my tactic to avoid THE CROWD works so d*mn well.

Now I have to start praying hard that members' of THE CROWD doesn't read my blog. Oh well...

f i n a l l y

2008-12-19T15:07:00.003+08:00

Finally.

.

..

...

I've got a job!

Just went to take my offer letter & also undergone my pre-employment medical checkup early this morning, and settled everything. Now what's left is to wait for the first day to report to work on next Monday (22/12/08).

Thank you very much to my friends', here online & also offline, who've supported me all the way in the process of me getting a job. Yes, you know who you are.

Really, thank you so much.