La Flaca D

Summer Days, Nights, Life...

2009-07-08T11:25:00.003-04:00

I've been busy. Things have been a combination of absolute bliss and general chaos sprinkled with some disconcerting uncertainty and a soulful need to change things. I've been saying for a while to myself that I need to post a 'somethings gotta give post.' This is not it. There are great loves in my life - my family and the colorblind business. Then there is the rest of everything else - the necessary evils in life that is keeping me from fully immersing myself in the joys of my absolute loves. I want so badly to be able to let loose and pursue my dreams. The question of HOW to do it still remains unanswered.

In the interim things are full. Full of laughter, full of love, full of hugs and kisses and I love yous. They quell my sorrows, bring joy to my life and give me the strength to move forward and work at finding a way to have them around more often. This picture best embodies me at the moment. It is where I want to be. Although I hate that Ari is crying (he was overtired and in dire need of sleep) it shows what my role needs to be. Where I need to be. Where happiness lies.

I'll get there. And hopefully soon.

Camp Adventures & No Broken Nose

2009-07-01T16:04:00.003-04:00

Dr. Shah confirmed no broken nose. I can breathe a huge sigh of relief...

So Ari's first day of camp came and went. Today he's at his 2nd day. When I went to pick him up I was enamored with the cultural hodge podge that is this school/camp. I love that parents who are not Spanish bring their kids here. And I found out that the director and I share pediatricians.

When I went to pick up Ari, he was fine. The director told me that he never cried and he seemed to enjoy himself. The issue is not having been at the school/camp before, everything is new and he's unaware of the formatting. Because of this he's having issues paying attention.

So they asked that next week he be switched from 5 days to 3 days because they think he's not quite ready for the 5 day and he's not assimilated yet. The additional week should afford him the time to learn the way things roll. I'm OK with that. I asked if he's being disruptive or anything because that's a concern of mine. Especially since the day I picked him up and asked him what he did, he answered "I got a time out" and of course that made me worry (this will be a reoccurring comment of mine.) I was convinced he did something horrible to deserve that. In our house we don't do time outs, I'm assuming he didn't get that concept either so it didn't work. *sigh* But no, he was just not paying attention in the playground and coming close to hurting himself by gong by the swings.

They assured me he's not being disruptive, he's just having issues listening and sitting down and especially when all the kids are together, they have to be aware of safety so listening is a BIG thing. She said 'he seems to march to the beat of his own drummer' and that's very true. He never cries, is always happy and I have to remember he is the youngest child in the class. He was excited to go to camp today so he obviously loves it. He does great at independent play of course, but more structured circumstances find him suffering from "ants in the pants" syndrome and that's more because he's just not yet used to the flow so he just needs time to adapt.

And they need to adapt to him too. They were telling me how the teacher was stressing a bit cause he didn't want to eat lunch. That was my fault as I did not tell them he's not much of a self feed/lunch eater. And this is a big worry of mine. So he gets a large breakfast and if he eats he eats. I told them as much. I am more concerned about him getting enough liquids then of him eating. And I forgot to mention to them that he's a sweater and that when hot he gets red faced. *sigh* worry worry.

I want like every mom to hear my kid is brilliant and perfectly behaved and that's a stupid thing to ever expect. Very stupid but understandable. I'm glad to hear that he obviously likes it very much and that is truly the most important thing. He participates to a certain degree he just needs time. I wish I had the money to have put him in all summer long. I really do love the school and witnessing the kids that are generally in the program have the ability to converse and comprehend spanish when they themselves don't speak it at home says a lot about the program. I think its so good for him. I just wish it were closer.

Nilsa though misses her brother tremendously. My mother in law said that all day she was calling out "Ari, where are you" and looking for him. :(

We'll see how he does today. Today was pool day. He generally loves the pool so we'll see how well he listens and what the progress report is.

Pictures from Victoria's first birthday this past weekend

Anxiety - Possible broken noses and the start of camp.

2009-06-29T12:10:00.000-04:00

First if you haven't seen my facebook status, yesterday Ari running through the kitchen fell flat on his face. FLAT onto the tile floor. HARD. Mom was in the kitchen, I was downstairs getting ready as I was to leave to videotape a wedding in an hour. I heard the boom and I heard the scream and I was upstairs in less then a second. Blood. Bloody nose that kept bleeding and bleeding. I had blood on my clothes, down my arms on my face and in my hair. I tried to soothe him and stop the bleeding but he was freaked and didn't want his face touched. Then I argued with my mom who insisted he needed to lie back for the bloody nose while I insisted he needed to sit up so that the blood didn't rush down into his throat. I remember yelling at her to go get Rob who was loading up for the wedding. The minute he walked in I crashed. Total panic attack. Shaking, hyperventilating and freaking out. I was totally not the picture of cool and he took over. Once I calmed down I was able to get hold of Ari, get him into the living room and put on Wall E.

He had calmed down but his lip and nose were swollen. His nose had stopped bleeding. We Sat in the couch putting ice packs on his nose and letting him suck on as many ice pops as he wanted (which did wonders for reducing the swelling in his mouth. No cuts. His nose swelling prevented us from seeing if it was broken. I honestly don't think it is but I'm no doctor. I read online that it can't be really diagnosed until the swelling subsides and that I need only worry if the bleeding doesn't stop, he can't seem to breathe through his nose or it is obviously crooked. By the end of the movie all was right in the world to Ari. Yes, his nose was swollen (top part, not the tip) but he didn't have a care in the world. And he was very good at putting the ice on it. So good in fact that this morning although it was still swollen, it wasn't so much so and the bruising was really minimal.

Beyond that Ari started camp today. Rob dropped him off and I'm going to pick him up. It’s the first time he has ever been in an all day thing and I have to say, I'm terribly anxious about it. You ever get so nervous that you feel chest pain? It’s like your heart actually hurts. That’s me right now. I’m worried that he won’t enjoy himself, or that he will feel abandoned. Rob called me when he dropped him off. He’s never been to the camp himself so both Rob and Ari got to see it for the first time. Rob said that when they went into the room, he was a bit scared. He was clingy to Rob and unsure of himself. But he warmed up to it and even said Goodbye to Rob without issue. Rob liked the place which is good as Rob’s so damn particular with things. So I sit here in anticipation of picking him up.

This is also the first time he’s had to eat lunch. This is another of my anxious points. Ari is a bit spoiled by the grandmother’s when it comes to lunch. He always has hot meals and most time, he’s fed. He’s terribly lazy when having to feed himself anything except waffles so I know he’s basically spoon fed most of the time. So now he has to feed himself. Beyond that, he’s not one for sandwiches or cold food with the exception of peanut butter, which of course isn’t allowed. So I worry that he’s going to be very hungry.

I can’t wait to see what he thinks of it.

My current favorite picture to end this post

Disconnected

2009-06-15T17:36:00.004-04:00

*warning - brain dump post*

I'm feeling disconnected. An odd feeling. Its like I can't balance myself in much of anything. Conversations are awkward. There's a detachment - a sort of barrier between me and my relationships. It's like I'm trying too hard and yet not trying at all. It's hard to explain.

And in these times of disconnect a sense of sadness comes over me. A need to be enveloped in a warm blanket. A desire to feel a sense of peace and calm that can only come from an exterior circumstance. I don't know what it is I want. I just know that there should be a way to get to it. I'm not sure what to ask for a hug, a vacation, to be babied, to get more attention, or to be left alone.

It's just one of those days. I'm sure the rain and the fact that its Monday doesn't help. Dumping this thought stream here so I can get it out of my head. I'm sad and angry inside and I don't want to take it out on anyone - so I'll just leave it to fester here on my blog. and out of my head.

Totally worth the read

2009-06-12T16:29:00.001-04:00

Originally published in The Plain Dealer on Sunday,May 28, 2006

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

The school year comes to an end

2009-06-10T08:52:00.001-04:00

Ari's last day of school was Tuesday.

They had a little graduation and I was totally emotional. I love the school, the teachers and he obviously loved it very much.

He hugged every teacher and it was sad to see the room all packed up for the summer, and to collect all his pictures and name and all. I will miss the Westfield YMCA. It's sad not going there anymore and its sad knowing that the Rodrigues twins and Tyler won't be in the same class as Ari anymore.

Eileen Rooney, their Director is very hands on. Mrs. Citron, Mrs. Seip and Mrs. Miller (the 3 teachers Ari had) were nothing but lovely, patient and attentive.

I encourage anyone who is looking at preschool in the Union County area to consider the Westfield YMCA's preschool program.

I'm also nervous about camp. He starts in 2 weeks. 3 days a week from 9-4. I worry that he won't like it. That it will be too long a day or too much time away. He has that for 2 weeks and the following 2 weeks are 5 days a week. Rob said that after the first session we'll feel better with the possibility of 5 days a week and if we think that's too much we'll ask to change to 3 days. I'm excited about the all Spanish aspect of it.

Speaking of school, yesterday I received a mailing from Ari's preschool next year. It included a Parent Handbook, a list of our responsibilities as members of the school and a summer reading list. Yes, a summer reading list for 3 year olds! It was a bit surreal. Having been a catholic school kid most of my life and now reading the literature and curriculum as a parent. I'm old enough to have kids starting school. It's just an odd place to be. Exciting.

Full Life...

2009-06-08T15:48:00.000-04:00

Life is full. I think full is a better term then busy. I mean it is busy but its just overwhelmingly full. Full of things to do, full of life, full of love and full of dreams. I scored yet another GREAT Craigslist find. A kitchen set for the kids that's NOT Plastic. And I got pots and pans and food and stuff all for $60. Score. It has caused me to reconfigure the breezeway yet again. And I'm glad for it. A good cleaning, 2 trips to ikea, some online finds and I'm damn happy with the look of the breezeway. I love that they now have a dedicated space to play. I like that it's outside and yet inside. My mom pointed out to me the other day my love for the breezeway/play area stems from my childhood. I had what could be the equivalent. It was an extension of the house my dad built out with full windows all around. I called it the little housie. It was my space. It was my playroom. It is where I spent HOURS. And now my kids have their own little housie in the breezeway.

Last Sunday I spent the day running around town with the kids. We took a drive, found a random street fair, drove some more, went food shopping and basically cruised all day. Rob in turn spend the day (and the Monday following) putting together a new playset for the kids in his parent's yard. We got the new one since the one they had was one of those great older metal ones that just got to the point where the outdoor elements got the best of them (rust/cancer) and didn't look so stable anymore. But I digress. In our drives we were in Scotch Plains and the day before was the big town wide garage sale. Well everywhere on Sunday things were stewn about in garbage piles and at a stop sign I looked over and saw a doll house sitting by its lonesome and I've been looking for one for Nilsa. So I took it home and after a good washing it was perfect. Another Score!

Over the past week or so the moon must be in some sort of something because the kids are just....great. Not that they're generally not great but I think that they've both turned a corner or something. They are actively playing together. They did so before but now it's more so. Like the dollhouse - Ari will ring the doorbell and Nilsa will open the door and they will have the dolls/animals/cars have an interaction. They do things together. Its heartwarming and independent of Rob or me. Rob will be working in the office. I'll be in the kitchen and they will run between the living room and the breezeway/play area and do their thing. It's absolute bliss.

Both Rob and I visited the doctor this week. Rob's having sciatic pain in his other leg which was concerning. Although he's at a good weight (lost over 10lbs so far) and goes to the gym daily, he's basically forgotten the exercises he needs to do to help his back. So the doc prescribed physical therapy and that should fix it up. He has to keep at that to avoid back surgery. It's the last thing we all want. I went in for my knee pain. It's been over a year and the pain is still there. It's the same thing as before - runner's knee/Patellofemoral pain syndrome, but because I still have it, I'm being sent to physical therapy too. I was also told I need to get orthotics for my shoes as I have a slight overpronation due to my flat feet.

Pictures...

Dollhouse

Toothless Grin

Why we put a slide lock on the top of this door (yes he did in fact open it already on his own prior to the installation of lock and yes, Nilsa did go outside and down the concrete steps and yes, she did land on her head UGH)

Sunday morning in video

Kids in the playroom/breezeway w/ new layout to include a mudroom area and the new play kitchen

Older photos....bruise on her face here is when she went head first down a slide

]

Then once that bruise healed she got these. The barely visible bruise on her forehead was from falling down the concrete stairs in the back and the one on her eye was from her trying to ride a tricycle backwards and landing on her face.

Yes, Nilsa is my 'have no fear' child.

Late night before bed energy surge

2009-06-05T00:52:00.003-04:00

I should be asleep. It is almost 1am. For the past week Nilsa has woken up like clockwork at 2:30am to party for an hour or 2 for no apparent reason. I expect it tonight. Yet I sit here in the darkness of my bedroom, having just said goodnight to Rob and I'm wide awake. These brief moments of lucidity always makes me ponder where my energy comes from. Its not the food I eat as I just realized I skipped dinner altogether. Its not what I drink as I've no reaction to caffeine and have sworn off of red bulls and assorted sugary energy promising drinks. Its not from excersize as even though I've joined and attend a gym (at 5:30am no less) it hasn't increased my energy level. No, energy comes from within my soul I think. The reason I'm awake right now. Curtains.

Rob worked tonight. The annual American Red Cross Event in NYC. So facing being home alone with the kids I opted to take them to a place for them to expel energy. Ikea. Let me say that Ikea on a weeknight is the perfect place to take children. We don't even hit the kids ballroom or anything. Instead in the almost relaxing emptiness they walk. They walk every inch of the showroom. They follow the arrows. They touch and listen and take in the ambiance. We sit on sofas, bounce on beds and climb under furniture. And we will inevitably leave with a little something. Today's something. Paper lanterns and curtains. The paper lanterns are for the breezeway (or maybe their bedroom - haven't decided) and the breezeway/playroom deserves its own post all together as it has invariably become the home of Dianne's amazing Craigslist ~~unbelievably well priced, great shaped and fabulous scores~~ finds, the latest of which is the most adorable wooden kitchen set.

But I digress. The curtains. I decided my kitchen needs a bit of a change. So I got these candy striped red curtains. Totally adorable. Decently priced. And I spent the evening after the kidlets were asleep, cutting and sewing and ironing said curtains. Gotta say I'm damn proud of myself. So much so that I've got an illogical surge of energy and I'm proudly bragging about my accomplishment on the Internet.

Oh what getting older does to you.

I've so much to share. So much I haven't said lately. Pictures to post. Sweet amazing things the kids are doing and alarmingly normal annoying things they are as well. I'm also due for one of my long brain dumps on the state of my mind, my life and my aspirations. I've been writing a 'how does she do it' post in my head for over a month and I think it's about time it gets put out there so that I can move onto other things.

Things are busy. When are they not? 2 kids, 2 full time jobs (one in which is a small business I in essence help run and works out of the home), a husband and a plethora of other things guarantee that it won't be slow going anytime soon. But I have to take these moments. These brief instances when I have energy and maybe a bit of time to steal away to let you all know that we're moving along at what can only be defined as our own pace. It's not perfect...but what is?

goodnight.

Minor Setbacks

2009-06-04T14:53:00.003-04:00

Never underestimate the importance of your eyesight. For the first time in my {Dianne} life I'm suffering from a severe case of allergies. I've never had them before. And what is it doing to me? It is screwing with my eyesight. How so? Well the medication that alleviates the allergies manage to dry out my eyes, the drying of my eyes led to irritation of my eyelids. This in turn led to an infection of some sort which in turn led to blurring of my eyesight.

For the last 3 days I've religiously put in steroid and antibiotic drops and today is the first day which I an see semi normally. I wear glasses as is and you know it's bad when with or without them I could see just about equally. So I've been away from my computer screen as much as possible (which is painfully hard for me to do)

So just a personal update on why I haven't posted.

Mirror Images

2009-05-22T09:42:00.002-04:00

When she was born the first thing I said to many people was that Nilsa looked "so familiar." It was like I've met her before. I couldn't place it. When she was smaller everyone said - oh she looks like you. I never saw it. I still don't see it but then I'm comparing a toddler face to a 30 year old face...

And then pictures surface and I compare and DAMN she DOES look like me.

Quote I like

2009-05-13T14:49:00.000-04:00

By the iconic Audrey Hepburn

“ I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles. ”

Lovely Mother's Day followed by a sickly Monday and here I am now

2009-05-12T17:05:00.002-04:00

My stomach still feels a wee bit uneasy but at least I feel like a functioning member of society today. Yesterday was just horrible. The aches, the pains, the dizziness, the releasing of bodily fluids. Just a big ole yuck. Its also very unlike me. Had I had a fever above the slight 99 I had Rob would have probably questioned the possibility of swine flu. Which my friend Crystal pointed out is a respiratory GI issue so I did not have it but I digress. I rode it out. I did watch one too many romantic comedies.

The Holiday (typical romantic piece that made the sap out of me come out. Yes, I cried)
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (didn't think this would be as funny as it was. Full frontal male nudity was a surprise)
Love and Other Disasters (I love B. Murphy's 60's eye makeup)
I Could Never be your Woman (straight to DVD movie. Enough said.)

So I sat like a worthless blob in front of the TV all day. I had no choice but to do so either. Every attempt to stand brought on a feeling of impending grossness so laying still seemed to be the way to go. The painters were at the house too so I got to hear them. Did I mention we got the dingy house painted a bright wonderful white! They should probably finish up the house today (JOY) as they did the front and side of the house yesterday and when I ventured outdoors to look at it I was just amazed at how WHITE my house was. It was white before but severely dingy.

Rob, ever the champion of - you need to get up when sick so you don't get sicker, did assist me to the home depot to pick out a new mailbox and house letters. We went with the mailbox I originally liked and stuck to just blackish numbers for the house itself. Rob did manage to make fun of me during the trip as I kept holding his hand to try to keep up with his seemingly fast walking and he just kept saying "those romantic comedies make you mushy??" We haven't really held hands in a while. So we were oddly giddily joking around and playing around which was funny. But I did have to hold his hand cause at points I was feeling uneasy. He was taking a long time looking at mailboxes and he turned to find me sitting on the floor. Maybe venturing out of doors wasn't such a good idea. Kids were thankfully on good behavior last night. And I got the greatest necklaces as a mother's day present from my Mother in Law. She does such an amazing job picking out jewelry for me. I love costume jewelry. Baubles and bangles of wood and plastic are what I favor over jewels, gold & silver.

Mother's day was LOVELY. Lovely is the perfect word to describe it. We had gotten home from the amazing Indian wedding that I totally rocked the coordinator part with at 12:30am. So I probably got to sleep closer to 1am. And the wedding gave me a big ole workout. The bridal sweet was on the 3rd floor, the reception on the 2nd, cocktail hour to the left on the main level, ceremony to the right on the main level and pictures were held about 500 yards off the property down by the water. 2 outfit changes for 6 people, a horse ride and a car that blasted music out the back….it was a lot of work. Exhaustion can be the only way to describe it. So when Nilsa woke up at 4am I just took her into my room and I can only expect that she fell asleep on me shortly after. Sometime between then and the morning Rob had come up and must have turned off the monitor because I did not hear him or Ari wake up, get dressed or leave the house. So when I woke up at 9:30, Nilsa & I were home alone.

I had made it downstairs and onto the couch with Nilsa when the back door opened. In ran Ari calling out “Mami, Mami” and he flew around the corner into the living room with a bright blue watering can in his hand. “look, look” he shouted. “I got a watering can and daddy got you a plant!” He was beyond adorable. Rob had in fact gotten me a plant. He also had picked up IHOP so we all sat to enjoy our late breakfast.

After getting dressed we loaded up the stroller and tricycle and headed to Van Saun Park. An absolutely darling park up in Paramus with playgrounds and picnic areas, a carousel, mini zoo and train to ride. Totally cute.

where we played in the playground

Rode the carousel

Waited on line

And rode the train

They both fell asleep en route home, and Rob decided I was not to cook and picked me up a most delicious dinner. It was a wonderful mother's day. Simply lovely

2009-04-24T16:36:00.001-04:00

As much as I worried initially, I know that there's nothing that can be done about Nilsa's tooth and now, oddly enough, I find her toothless grin endearing. Just one more thing to make this amazing little girl more wonderfully unique.

Falling. 3 stitches and lost teeth

2009-04-18T07:13:00.008-04:00

I have so much to say and so much to update on and I had every intention of posting the cutest picture of our newest purchase - a toddler bed for Nilsa. And I plan on doing that post some other time. Right now though, the news is not so fun. Yes the title of this is correct. 3 stitches and 2 lost teeth is what we have confronted. And what saddens me today.

Spring is finally here and while I sat at work lamenting the 70 degree temperatures, Rob was home with the kidlets. The few times I talked to him I told him he had to go to the park. The weather was too beautiful not to. And he had every intention of going anyhow. And did. I got an instant message that he was off and while I clicked away at my computer as work and stared at the screens I seethed in jealousy over the perfect weather and him and the kids at the park.

And then came the phone call...

I get a call from Rob at the park saying that Nilsa just knocked out her teeth. Not exactly the kind of call you ever want to hear. Rob sounded a bit exasperated as I heard him telling Ari they HAD TO LEAVE NOW. I just moved into action. I call our doctor who says put the tooth in milk when you get home and then hooks us up with a pediatric dentist. I call to set up an app't with the dentist while simultaneously talking to Rob on the phone and mistakenly hang up on the receptionist chick twice. I dial from my cell phone and run out of my office to meet Rob at home as he's just gotten there and needs my help to get the kids to the location. So I end up driving like a maniac and get home, pick up kids and Rob. Nilsa had passed out asleep at this point as she had no nap and we headed to the dentist. That's when it starts hitting me and I started crying enroute. Her shirt was bloodied as was Rob's and her lip was swollen, dried blood mixed with some fresh blood upon it. She was peacefully asleep but, it killed me. And I hadn't even looked in her mouth.

At the end of it all, she lost 2 teeth and now has 3 stitches in her gums. She did great at the dentist. Better then I did I can tell you that. The attendant talked sweetly to her in Spanish and she was happy with them after a while. Yes, they needed to strap her down but unlike Ari who went NUTS when they strapped him down for his stitches, Nilsa remained fairly calm throuhgout, moaning and crying at times but never really losing control. I sat on the end of the dental chair rubbing her calves. The dentist was awesome. Even called us when we got home to follow up. I did get to see her bloodied gums. UGH. And we now have both her lost teeth in a baggie (wow teeth are really long.)

She was fine when we got home. You'd think nothing happened. but she's missing one front tooth and another next to it. I'm torn. Grateful she's ok. Upset that she had to go through this and even more SAD over the fact that she is now missing 2 teeth. My beautiful baby girl. I cry just thinking about it and mentally yell at myself for being so vanity driven to let that bother me so much. But I won't lie. I worry. I worry that the loss of the tooth will become a problem in her speech. I worry people will make fun of her. I worry even more about the reaction of other adults. I worry that it will take longer for her permanent teeth to come in and I worry taht she'll be another 6-7 years with a big ole gap. I think its really unfair.

So yeah, I googled. I'm surprised how common this seems to be. And yelled at myself because yes I did find out that there is such thing as fake baby teeth (their technical name is Pedo Partial) and found out that unless she knocked out a back tooth they are not necessary in the least. I'm so worried she'll be made fun of or not have the confidence because of this. Having been there myself (my 2 front ones are fake if you don't already know) I remember how hard it was for me. Rob reminded me when I lost my teeth that I was in 12 years old so it was different. But I can't help but to feel the way I do. And really - it's ridiculous to consider fake baby teeth isn't it?

She now has a toothless grin until her permanent teeth come in. It is what it is but I'm totally sad about it all. I hate that this happened to my beautiful baby girl. Her pretty little grin with the big ole gap between her front teeth which was so endearing is gone. And I am left in sadness over it.

I feel terrible for Rob too who was right behind her when it happened. Just took a split second. I know he feels terrible, and I know that my sadness doesn't help him feel better. It is what it is. Now Nilsa has 3 stitches to compete with her brother's 10. And the irony of it all. Both kids had this happen in April.

Friday morning when not at work = Perfection

2009-04-10T08:27:00.006-04:00

I know I haven't posted lately. Its' the start of wedding season and the weather is getting nicer. That means I really want to be in front of this computer less and less. So why on my day off am I sitting at the computer?

Well I'm in the best place to be on the computer. The comfort of my own bed. In a quiet house where both Rob and Nilsa are fast asleep. Ari and I finished having breakfast. As I filed a nail that broke he asked me to file his nails too. Who am I to say no to that. So we both had a mini manicure (LOL) as everyone slept and then he decided he wanted to watch the Circus.

Was it last month that Lenette took him to the circus? Ringling Bros. He obviously loved it and she got him the BEST gift ever there. A circus DVD. He asks to watch it every now and again. And that is what he did this morning. So as I sit here typing away, he sits next to me watching the DVD. Well not necessarily sitting all the time. He imitates the performers on the screen as they do their things. Right now he's watching the Fernandez brothers jump around with their acrobatics so he does it with them. Totally engrossed!

He narrates it as it happens to. His vocabulary has totally blown up lately. He's VERY much understandable now. What he says impresses me daily. But that has to be the case with every parent no? His latest fascination is the video series AniMusic. They showed segments of this between shows on TV and he became totally engrossed . So Rob bought the DVD's. This is his current favorite track...He bounces and walks around the house playing a drum saying he's the bouncing 'robot'. He's the one to the far right obviously.

He jams out to the congas and the mini timbal set he has and sets them up together to be able to imitate the video. He tries to follow the beat at times and at others he just goes insane. Rob really wanted to encourage this love for drumming. So much so that he went on craigslist and look what we now have?

They are loud and awesome and we love them as much as he does. I'm not even joking. There's nothing better then watching him jam out to Animusic on his drums.

This is basically when we first bought them out to show him.

And in some pictures he looks like SUCH a big boy. I mean, look at him.

And yet I'm one of those odd moms that is excited to see both Ari and Nilsa grow. I honestly don't miss the baby phase at all. I can't wait till Nilsa gets a bit older. I think the toddler phase, with all its drama and tantrums is by far the best phase so far!

And speaking of Nilsa. My little pudge pot is thinning out. She's still squishable but her hair has grown. You wouldn't know it by looking at the pictures but wet, it's all the way down her back. But dry its fabulously curly and beautiful.

And with that, Nilsa is awake. Things are good. Love to you all.

Daily Time Usage Calculator

2009-03-31T12:51:00.002-04:00

So it seems, for me, 1% shy of 60% of my typical day is broken down to either sleeping or working my full time job. Of the remaining time, way too little is dedicated to my family.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/03/30/how.busy.are.you

Reminiscing...

2009-03-26T13:55:00.013-04:00

I was randomly looking through google images at old NYC pictures today and I came across a picture of the Palladium. If you don't already know, Rob and I met on the dance floor of that club. Back then, believe it or not I didn't dance. But it was back on March 31, 1995 that we first came into contact. And it was a week later on April 7th that we officially 'met.' I'm not one for believing in fate, but for some odd reason, the planets were aligned or something. It was kismet. And because I saw these pictures I was taken back. I have always said I'd tell the story of how we met but I never get around to it and here I am, 5 days from the 14th anniversary (um...WOW) of our first encounter and I'm finally going to put the story down on paper.

Back then, I hung out with a friend *N often. She had club connections, knew promoters and was on guest lists. We were 17 years old. Still in high school. I was the one friend with as liberal a parent as she had. So we would venture down to city to the NYC clubs and hang out. We used to show up there early. Clubs would open their doors between 10 and 11 with the simple goal to fill up their club with as many girls as possible. So the very fact that we were 17 didn't matter. Like I mentioned before, I didn't really dance back then. *N would meet up with whatever promoter friend she was dealing with, get a drink and bop around to the music. I'd find a place to sit down. The night of the 31st I was sitting on top of a speaker (you know, the bass bottoms that would serve as stages for the barely clad dancers later in the night) and Rob would later tell me that I had a blue light shining on me. *N was bopping around. It was really early so the club was fairly empty and the dance floor was bare.

Except for one guy. There was this one fool, in the middle of the dance floor dancing around and - what was he doing besides dancing??? He was pulling an imaginary rope. That my dear friends was Rob, in his Cesar haircut and a plaid button down shirt open to expose his wife beater. *N was already in love, I just made fun of him. He was pulling an imaginary rope for god's sake! He had come super early with his crew because one/some of them were underage and that's what you did to get into the club back then. It was Heather's birthday.

But beyond the fact that he saw me sitting on the speaker under the blue light (with a tight red mock turtleneck and black corduroy wide leg pants (yes, I wore wide legs back then too) and I was making fun of his overconfidence to dance on an empty dance floor, there was no further interaction. That is until just after midnight, when he managed to come up dancing closer to where *N and I were residing, her dancing around and me perched on yet another speaker. Spotting him she made her move and was dancing with him when I, bored with being there already announced our departure. She had to work the next day and I just wanted to go home. I still remember Rob's face when I said goodbye as he tried to convince us to stay later. *N was giddy at having managed to dance with him. I was happy to just get the hell out of there.

7 days later *N, our friend *K and I found ourselves back at the Palladium. Early again. And let me backtrack but one of my favorite things about that club were the lighted stairs. They were just such a site to greet you at arrival and to lead you away as you left. I used to watch the movie The Secret of My Succe$s with Michael J. Fox just for the scene showcasing this stairwell. Sometime during the night *N took off to the other side of the packed dance floor after spotting Rob across the room. A few minutes later him and his friends were all over by us. I remained firmly planted on the platform. They all danced around. The DJ switched from a house set into reggae and Jose convinced me down off my platform to dance. So I did. *N would flit around from dancing with Rob and his friends back to me. Laughing in her odd manner and savoring the fun and attention. At one point I remember dancing with *N and the next thing I remember was the beginning of the Boricua Anthem being played. *N took my hand and literally FLINGS me into Rob as she turns to dance with someone else. I remember 2 things only of that. The first is the song playing. The second is the fact that I have never been spun so many times in my life. I remember going in circles, laughing all the while. From the first instance where we danced together there was a connection. I can't explain it. Did I like him, no. Not yet. Did he like me. Well yeah. Rob to this day says we were the center of attention in that instance. I think the attention was all his on me. It is the reason that the front page of our invitations said "Y Todo Comenzo Bailando" (translation: and it all began dancing) and it is why when they announced the demolition of the Palladium we took pictures.

The palladium will always have a special place in my heart. And all those memories came flooding back further with these videos posted on you tube. There is the palladium I knew, the one where we met. In the video you see the speaker which I sat on, the platform, the place where we first met. The lighted upstairs bar where he bought me a malibu bay breeze right after that dance and when he thought I was at least 18. You see the stadium seating where we hung out, and the projection/TV screens where they would show japanese animation videos throughout the night.

14 years ago. Time flies.

There isn't time...there isn't time...

2009-03-25T15:49:00.004-04:00

When I was a kid I had this book of poetry I loved. I'd read it over and over again. I would love to find the book but I have searched to no avail. But I do have several of the poems memorized (yes my memory is that good) and one in particular has always been my favorite. Who knew that over 20 years later it would serve as a pseudo explanation of my life...

There isn't Time!

There isn't time, there isn't time
To do the things I want to do,
With all the mountain-tops to climb,
And all the woods to wander through,
And all the seas to sail upon,
And everywhere there is to go
And all the people, every one,
Who lives upon the earth, to know.
There's only time, there's only time
To know a few, and do a few,
And then sit down and make a rhyme
About the rest I want to do

- Elenor Farjeon

And here I sit taking what brief time I have to do what I guess is my version of a rhyme. Things have been busy lately. Busy is a good thing. The wedding season has officially started so we have events and meetings to attend to. Spring is starting to show it's shadow so plans are in motion for all the yearly spring activities to attend to. Life as we know it is moving by. Slowly but surely things are happening.

I said a while back that I felt as if I was coming upon a crossroads but I couldn't see it in my sights. I think I'm starting to see signs of it and I'm acting accordingly. It's hard though as some days I wake up with the energy and vitality to conquer the world. Other times I struggle to even construct a legible sentence. I'm somewhere in between both right now. But I'm feeling positive in a very shaky world which says a lot. I'm trucking along. Busy. Always busy. Always somehow struggling to catch up to the needs and expectations we have. Someday right? Maybe sooner then later. Someday we'll get there.

For the time being when I'm not striving to do things, I'm enjoying myself. Ari and Nilsa help me along with this. Ari truly loves helping in the kitchen. We've baked a cake together, made cookies and next is to tackle muffins. And he doesn't even have any interest in licking the spoon. He'd much rather mix and roll. I think he might just turn me into a baker.

How could you not love them, and their curiosity. Nilsa now wants to take pictures rather then being the object of pictures. She even tries hard to use Ari's camera.

And if you don't give in to her - the girl has mastered a pout which is simultaneously adorable and hilarious.

Life is good.

Second Child Syndrome

2009-03-06T13:53:00.007-05:00

I sat on the couch the day before yesterday with Nilsa as Ari entertained himself playing with the bongos. As I bounced her on my legs and she caved into my chest in a fit of giggles I started my latest thing with her - counting to ten. She counts to ten well now. Her enunciation is off but she is, after all, 17 months old. I started counting more auspiciously about a week ago after reading back in this blog that at her age, Ari was able to count to 12 in both English and Spanish and recite the A-B-C’s.

Reading that made me terribly guilty for the lack of direct attention to learning we have given Nilsa. We were so enthusiastic when Ari was her age to teach him these things and everything was counting and the alphabet. And here I sat feeling remorse in the fact that Nilsa has, yet again, gotten the short end of the stick by being the second born. Seeing that she seemed to have a good grasp on the numbers 1-10 (although 5 seems to be her preferred number and she will continue up to eleven) I opted to switch the languages and work on the numbers in Spanish. So I began…UNO…

And to my surprise she said DOS. Even further she counted all the way to DIEZ (ten) and happily clapped upon arriving at the number. She knows one to ten in Spanish already without us repeating it to her ad nauseum. Without being methodically instructed in it. Color me impressed.

We’re working on the A-B-C’s right now. She’s got the concept and the song down. I just have to work on the actual letters. I’m pretty damn proud. Maybe second child syndrome isn't as bad as I make it out to be. Or maybe I need to really try to focus my attention on one child at a time, which feels impossible most times as the other always serves to distract.

But she's happy. And I'm happy for her. We count and clap upon reaching ten or diez and then she collapses into my arms in a fit of giggles.

Blessings in life and death - Liams Room

2009-03-05T11:44:00.003-05:00

A flyer came home with Ari from Preschool. It referenced a softball charity event. I put it down and never finished reading it. In hindsight, I know I often don't read through things in detail when they don't necessarily draw my attention immediately. And if you know me, I'm not sports inclined and our lives are such that time is limited. The flyer made its way into the junk pile and shortly after that into the trash.

Yet life has a way of bringing things to your attention again. And an e-mail came in today from Linda, whose twin boys go to the same preschool as Ari. The subject: charity event.

http://www.liamsroom.org/

We received a flyer from the twins preschool about a softball charity event and I went to the website to read about it, and am now crying at my desk. Liam's fraternal twin brother is in school with Tyler, Ari, Jonathan and Matthew- his name is Nathaniel. Reading Liam's Mom story is just soo heart wrenching, it took me back to the pain of losing a child. Our boys can't participate in the softball event, but thought it would be nice to go out and support the activities that will be going on that day.

I went to the website. I read Liam's story. And like Linda I struggled to maintain the tears as I sat at my desk at work. Being a mother makes reading stories such as this so much harder. And knowing several individuals who have gone through similar experiences, I always marvel at their strength. Liam's parents and family have such a bright outlook and such zeal to let their child's legacy live on.

If you are in the NJ area and would like to participate in the event, the 2nd Annual Softball Tournament Event (Children Grades 3-8) & Home Run Derby (Children & Adults) will be held at Tamaques Park, Westfield, NJ on Saturday, March 28, 2009 (Rain date March 29.)Games will start promptly at 1pm. If you cannot play, please attend and if you cannot attend feel free to go to the website and support the cause.

Support me in the 2009 StartupNation Leading Moms in Business Competition

2009-03-03T12:02:00.005-05:00

If you check out the latest post on Colorblind Productions' blog you will see that I've started offering my photo tiled murals on its own website. Pricing should be up by day's end but in the interim I've put my name in the running for the following and invite you to help get the votes up. You can vote daily until the 31st of March. Please spread the word not only for Fotomurals but for this competition. Thanks

Support me in the 2009 StartupNation Leading Moms in Business Competition

Contemplate this…

2009-02-27T15:29:00.001-05:00

There are 2 quotes that I’ve been replaying in my head for a long time. One is the quote from George Willhelm Hegel

Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

And one is a most famous ‘refran’ (i.e. Spanish proverb) that is by far my mother’s favorite

Nadie aprende por cabeza ajena
(literal translation: Nobody learns from someone else’s head)
(actual translation: You have to experience things yourself to learn from them)

I’ve always valued both quotes as fact. Yet only recently I realized that they contradict each other. And I wonder which is the best advice to follow.

At a glance both of them are true. Any given history class will tell use the fact that you repeat mistakes if you don’t learn from those mistakes made by your predecessors. Yet how will one learn from these mistakes if they don’t actually make the mistakes on their own.

Ponder that.

Tackling the impossible. Clutter rules my life.

2009-02-19T15:23:00.003-05:00

Since I started the year opting for a purge of my mental state and a move towards positive thinking (a feat for me, as I generally am the total opposite of optimistic) and having surprised myself on how enlightening the simplicity of accepting the happiness in life is and how successful the mentality is, I have opted to move forward to another step in the process of finding my bliss. I’d like to start organizing my life.

Let me say, I have no ambition in succeeding in totally adjusting everything around me so that it is in some sort of perfect arrangement. Nor do I even think I will be able to get to a place where everything is labeled and “there’s a place for everything and everything in its place.” I don’t have that kind of dedication nor do I want it. I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old on top of that. Life needs a bit of organized chaos to be sane. It’s a sign of love. The most cherished of items are generally beaten up, knocked around and abused and it is because of that that they are loved so dearly. But on occasion, I’d like to know where things like the scissors are, and I’d like to get what I want within 5 minutes rather then spending hours (and going on tangents) in an effort to find something that should have been at my fingertips.

Who coined the term ‘clutter begets clutter?’ That’s where I started the year. Things piled atop of other things that were never arranged, moved or purged. I can thank the new dining room set we have (Greatest score ever on Craigslist) for my new ambition to semi-organize our living space. The dining room ~~forced me~~ necessitated the organization of the breezeway to make space for the buffet which came with the dining set and which we does not fit in our small kitchen. Now, having organized the breezeway to the point where it is a workable space - even if it has no heat and no insulation and is generally worthless in the winter months I am moving onto the next space - the kitchen.

So I plan on making a jaunt to Ikea to see what we can find to add some storage solutions for the kitchen. I have perused for inspiration ohdeedoh and apartmenttherapy for inspiration and feel suitably inspired to look for low cost and beneficial projects. Low cost being the operative word. Rob won’t let me fully redecorate the white on white kitchen so I will find stuff to make it look less cluttered, organize it a bit more and overall, make the space such that I can move onto whatever the next space may be. My goal in this room is to make the cabinet/storage space more accessible and maximized for use. I want to get my pans out of their current storage space (the oven) and I want to get rid of the JUNK in my junk drawers. Beyond that I want to add storage for the kids things (Ari’s leapfrog computer, crayons/coloring books, etc.) and to TRY to make my center island not be the catch all for anything and everything.

I have to move one room at a time right? Small steps will get me to my ultimate destination.

Mami? Are you a superhero? Can you fly?

2009-02-17T16:53:00.002-05:00

Ari asked me that last night. I was wearing my long pull over cardigan thing that I got ages ago at Conway (yes, I shop and will admit to shopping at Conway) and which I love to death although it’s a horribly pilled and overused garment. It flaps behind me and I can totally conceive it being a cape. But alas, Ari, mama isn’t a superhero and I cannot fly. Oh but how I’d love a superpower.

I had a glorious weekend. It began with time spent with Rob which was just something I didn’t know I needed so badly. A reconnection of sorts that reminds me why it is I love him so much, how I can’t get enough of his laughter and gave us the opportunity to recall the people we were, the couple we are and the amazing-ness of us together. I generally am not a fan of Valentine’s day, but this year with it falling on a Saturday we made plans to go out with friends and it was such a delicious time. Most especially so to me as I did not have my husband behind a DJ booth. I got to dance with him, hug him when I wanted to and sneak kisses at him as if we haven’t been together for 14 years.

I also found myself face to face with a new vintage store on Valentine’s Day. A small store packed to the gills with fabulous finds tempting me to buy them all. I did get some wonderful outfits and have promised myself to return. Sunday and Monday was spent with the kidlets. I stepped into AC Moore and bought all my crafting supplies and cookie cutters and I’m enthusiastic at our newest kid endeavors to come. Ari was so excited with the purchase paints and brushes and GLUE. Oh how excited he got at the site or Elmers. It made me want to go right home and start playing with them.

I find myself yearning for warmer weather. As much as I admit to loving the cold, I always crave the springtime when February rolls around. I’m looking forward to actively biking with the kids this year now that Nilsa is of age to be a passenger on the bike trailer. I’m a rather obtuse person in that I enthusiastically wait for the kids to get a bit older. Honestly, Ari is at such a great age, a sponge that learns so much daily. He’s even started using my laptop to play his latest favorite games – PBSKids.org’s SuperWhy. It is fabulous in helping him begin to learn to read.

He’s also growing increasingly fond of musical instruments. He’ll spend a good deal of time on the piano but even more so strumming on the guitar.

Nils is growing increasingly bigger and her hair is getting increasingly longer and I’m happy to report that Rob has successfully managed to put it into a single ponytail so that it doesn’t block her eyes.

I’m guessing by next year, the two of them won’t even look like they’re 20 months apart in age. I’ve already had people ask me if they’re twins which I think is really absurd as Ari is clearly much bigger then Nilsa but go figure…

Rob turned 35 this past week.

Life feels good right now. We’re not without our worries, or responsibilities but things have been somewhat manageable and when they’re not we’ve been taking them in stride.

For today at least.

Crafting with the Kidlets

2009-02-13T16:00:00.002-05:00

One of the things Rob and I discussed adding to our interactions with the kids are crafts. It’s not something that’s currently in our comfort zone and honestly, not something I can seem to come up with on my own. I planned on going to the craft store and buying a bunch of stuff to really get into it. Most especially kid safe scissors as Ari is really into scissors and cutting.

So, being me, I researched on line what these pre-school craft projects would be. I figured I might as well get a good idea as to what crafting is and what would be fun to do and finally what I need to have on hand to do it. And after raising my eyebrow at some sites and rolling my eyes at the complexities of others, I came across the DIY Preschool Blog written by Brooklynite Leslie Kaufman. It eerily elaborated my exact sentiments towards crafting.

Crafts for Preschoolers

Two words: They suck.

Forgive the harsh language, but I really find most crafts for preschool-age children not just gag-inducing, but developmentally questionable.

Whether it's making little bugs out of pipe cleaners and egg cartons, gluing cotton balls on Santa's beard, or adding decorations to a cut-out animal, preschool crafts always seem to be about nudging children to mimic or embellish something an adult has made.

Even in the most non-judgmental, non-pressured settings, such projects are more about competency -- the ability to place those cotton balls in just the right place -- than they are about creativity. They're often either so easy and unimaginative that they amount to dreary busy work for wee ones, or else require children to do things that are well above their skill level (meaning lots of "help" from adults).

Oh, and the projects are usually really lame.

Don't get me wrong: I love doing crafts. I made all kinds of wacky jewelry in my 20s, created elaborate scrapbooks in my 30s, and now enjoy unwinding in the evening by making altered clothes for my kids.

I just don't think there are many crafts that are appropriate for two-, three-, and four-year-old kids. (Readers, feel free to weigh in -- and, by all means, share any ideas you have for non-sucky, genuinely creative little-kid crafts.)

Kids in this age group are better off doing art instead of crafts: open-ended creation, in which there is no model to copy or modify, no right or wrong. They need lots of time and space to explore different materials and media, scribble and smear, combine and remix, generally mess around -- and use their own imagination to describe what they are creating.

There will be plenty of time, later, for cute creations, if your child is interested in such things. In early childhood, it strikes me as more important to nurture the sense of open-ended exploration that art provides.

And that’s the thing. I was a crafty adolescent/pre-teen/teen. I did a bunch of stuff, made all sorts of concoctions and enjoyed every last minute of it. My hang up is in age appropriate crafts and guess what – I agree with her ideology that kids would be better off doing art at this age. And of course this led me to read every last page of her blog. She seems to have abandoned blogging or has taken a hiatus from it, much to my dismay. But I’m grateful that she blogged at all, because although I’m not as pro home schooling as she is, I adopt many of her philosophies.

So much of what she said spoke to me and I have an undying need to share the information. In a post entitled Trying to hard she spoke of her realization, in her attempt to teach, that she was trying to do something her kids were generally not ready for and discussed coming to terms with the pace of learning your kids are ready for. Another of her more poignant posts was entitled ‘Holding Back: Toys, Drawings and Other Adult Temptations” she pointed me towards a book I feel I want to read - Summerhill, A.S. Neill.

I was beginning to think about how I wanted to educate my own children, one passage in particular jumped out at me, in which the irascible A.S. Neill a offered some excellent advice: Never show a child how to play with a toy.

Never show a child how to play with a toy: It made immediate, perfect sense to me. "Teaching" a child how to use a toy robs the child of the joy, excitement, and challenge of discovery

I’m coming to realize in my discovery how much control I try to put in the situations I find myself in with my children. I really feel like I’m limiting their ability to expand their creativity. I will admit that as a child, I had this unlimited freedom to draw and doodle and play and dream up my own worlds and that I never had limitations in any of them. Well except for writing on walls – I got an earful for doing that. But I had my own space in the house where I was able do what I pleased without being told I couldn’t do that or I should do such and such like this. My kids need that. Balancing this freedom mentality with a more structured kind of mentality is a battle. I want to set limitations while simultaneously providing the liberty to expand freedom of thought and choice and being.

But I digress. I’ve decided to forgo structured crafts. I’ve made a list for the craft store that is random and messy. Construction paper, poster board, glitter, paint, brushes, glue, stamps, googly eyes, etc. I need to invest in some painters’ canvas drop cloth to stave of the cleanup nazi of my husband or at the very least allow for an easier clean up. And I’m going to let my kids create whatever it is they want to create and let them tell me what it is. We’ll start there. Maybe we’ll bake and decorate cookies on another day. Something I myself have never done so it will be an adventure. Let there be no limits – if only for an hour or 2 daily.