Too many memos

Getting wierder

2006-09-26T17:21:00.000+01:00

The birds are still there - they were waiting for me when I left for work this morning and were still there when I got home just now.

I think that they are sizing me up to work out how many of them it will take to carry me away!

Don't look up

2006-09-25T16:44:00.000+01:00

I think I've just stepped out of real life and into a film

It's all gone a bit Hitchcock here

As I got out of my car just now hundreds and I really mean hundreds of starlings flew over me and settled into the tree opposite my car. Then as I shut the car doors they flew over me again and are now roosting on my roof. If I'd raised my hand while they flew over, they would have hit me.

They're still there, watching, waiting for me.

I never before thought I looked like Tippi Hedren, but maybe I do!

Needed a break

2006-09-17T11:49:00.000+01:00

I haven't written here since June but I have sat down lots of times to write and then just not been able to.

I hadn't realised just how much the loss of my dad would impact on me - my outlook on life has changed and I can't see the point in working myself as hard as I used to when you never know when life will be taken from you or your ability to do the things you want will be taken away.

I'm seriously considering a change of career or to look at cutting back on my responsibilities at school - I need to get more time for just me.

I used to work for hours outside of school and usually the summer break would see me doing lots of school stuff, but this year I didn't start doing any school stuff until two days ago and I haven't spent more than 2.5 hours in school, wheras normally I'd be there for days.

I did feel guilty that other people were doing the jobs I'd normally do, but I just didn't care!

As a family, we're adapting more to dad not being here and are starting to think about memorial stones and so on. Mum's definitely showing how strong she is and I've really enjoyed the fact that I went and stayed with her for a week and then she spent a week wth me - we both needed to spend time away from home - we talked lots about the past and the future and it did us good.

Got a bit upset yesterday - I was sorting my dry cleaning out, suits ready for next week, and I decided that I needed to clean the suit i wore for dad's funeral. As I was checking the pockets, I came across some rose leaves that I'd put there because they'd fallen off of the rose I put in dad's grave - for that few seconds I was back at the funeral and that was quite upsetting.

I still have those leaves and now I wonder what to do with them.

It's now a couple of weeks since I wrote the above and I'm back in the swing of work although my attitude is still different from this time last year.

Week 3 starts tomorrow and i'm sort of looking forward to it - the teaching bit that is, the rest is just a chore. Anyway I'll try to write here a bit more regularly now.

Loss of enthusiasm and patience.

2006-06-29T21:27:00.000+01:00

I have no inclination to do anything at the moment - I've been meaning to update here for a few days but just couldn't be bothered to do it.

I'm going to work but only because I have to - I'm getting no pleasure from my work, not even with the classess that I used to look forward to teaching.

If I could stop going to work tomorrow, I would and wouldn't have any regrets.

I find pretty much everything to be be annoying - I have a short temper but lately it's even worse and some people have gotten the rough end when they didn't deserve it (some did though!).

Ironically what I most need to be doing now is keeping busy, because when I sit doing nothing I start to get upset - I know it's important to let myself grieve, but it's so painful.

Today's obsession is the fact that I can't remember what Dad's voice sounded like - at times I've almost got in my mind and then it slipped away. The same's happening with dreams, I know I've dreamed about Dad but when I wake the actual details are gone which is so frustrating.

At other times I'm numb, I just don't feel anything about anything and I feel guilty about that.

C's moved house now and she really wants me to visit but I just can't face company at present - I know that she won't care how I am but I can't get up the enthusiasm to do it or even to work out how to get to her new place.

Come tomorrow it'll be a month since Dad passed, it only seems like a couple of days ago - I can picture so clearly how I was holding his hand when he left us and then how I sat with him afterwards on my own for a while just talking to him.

I talk to Dad a lot during the day, when I'm at home there's always a photo nearby that I can chat to - that probably sounds nuts but so what.

I want my Dad back.

Some thoughts

2006-06-19T16:40:00.000+01:00

Since my dad passed away a couple of weeks ago I've really not seen the point in doing any thing.

Most of the time I manage to keep life ticking over, but sometimes it just seems pointless - my dad worked hard, never hurt anyone, was kind and gentle but in the end wasn't given any more than 59 years of life.

Anyone who's read this blog knows that I used to work a lot and my work was a major focus in my life, but at the moment I don't care about it at all - I go in and teach my classes but without much interest or enthusiasm.

I'm strong most of the time, but sometimes the stupidest of things can get me crying - a line in a song while I was driving home this evening had me crying for the rest of the trip - I can't remember the line now but it was enough.

I know that the wounds are still fresh and the fact that yesterday was Fathers' Day hasn't helped, but I can't get up the drive to care about anything at present except that I miss my dad.

I know that I should focus on the happy memories and the good times I had with dad, and most of the time I do - but I want there to have been more memories, more good times, more happiness, just more of him.

Upset again now, so I'm going to stop.

take care

Sad

2006-06-04T12:20:00.000+01:00

Dad,
I'm pleased that you're not in pain anymore, but I'm already missing you.
You can sleep now but one day we'll see each other again.

Sleep well.

Relieved and cooking up a storm

2006-05-28T12:48:00.000+01:00

Dad doesn't need the blood transfusion - he needs haemaglobin which he's getting today, but apparently he looks 100% better than yesterday. He had fluid on his lung which they've drained today and that seems to have helped.

Right now I'm cooking like a demon - I think I may have used most of the cooking equipment I own, every hob is busily doing something and the smells wafting around are yummy. The only hitch is that I don't own quite enough containers to freeze all this food ready to transport to dad tomorrow night - I guess I'll have to eat some for my dinner tonight.

Keep getting better dad.

Worried and disappointed.

2006-05-27T21:51:00.000+01:00

Mum and Dad aren't visiting after all.

Dad's been taken back into hospital - he needs another blood transfusion. He seems to spend more time in hospital these days than he does at home.

I was really looking forward to having them as my guests and taking care of them for a few days, but that's not going to happen now. Instead I'm going to cook all of the meals that Dad had asked for, freeze them and then take them up to him on Tuesday - hopefully he'll be home by then.

On the bright side, after all the preparations I made today, I have a really clean home now!

Get well soon Dad

Yay, No work

2006-05-27T13:37:00.000+01:00

We've got a week's holiday this week so I'm looking forward to a bit of a break, although there are a few bits and pieces of work I need to get done.

I'm looking forward to Mum and Dad visiting tomorrow and staying through the Bank Holiday - it's been ages since I've seen them, although I speak to them several times a week, it's not the same as seeing them.

Dad's been unwell again so I'm hoping he copes with the journey ok - it's only 3 hours but he gets overheated easily these days.

Spending my day tidying and cleaning so that I don't look like a complete slob and also so that Mum and dad have somewhere to sleep!

Just to prove that I can't get away from work totally, the boss e-mailed stuff to me this morning - how nice of him to take the time to do that on a Saturday morning!

Anyway, back to cleaning

Things I Hate

2006-05-21T12:33:00.000+01:00

Cleaning.
Junk Mail.
Having so many tasks to do that I can't do any of them well.
Arguments.
Disorder.
Noisy neighbours - especially the one upstairs who seems to be hammering randomly.
Driving.
Traffic.
Parking - a bit of a pattern developing there.
Creased shirts - no matter how carefully I iron, my shirts always develop a crease somewhere.
Ties with open collars and untucked shirt tails.
Socks that don't work with the trousers.
Not having a packet of mints in my pocket.
My Ipod running out of power at the wrong time.
Post-it notes and memo slips.
Slow computers.
Onion.
Beer.
Waiting in queues.
Pens that run out of ink just as you need them the most.
That my desk is full of rubbish that other people tell me is important.
E-mails from work.
Not having cash in my wallet - even though I have cards.
Having less than a half tank of fuel in my car.
The fact that the UK doesn't have lots of ski slopes (and snow, obviously).
How short the days are at the weekend compared to the week days.
Having loads of DVD's and not wanting to watch any of them.
Shaving.
Migraine.
That I still haven't got my shower fixed.
Ironing.
That I keep catching cold lately.
People who don't see the big picture.
Kids who stop other kids from enjoying their time in school.
Teachers who don't seem interested in their students.
People who put the school before the students.

There's plenty more but that'll do for now.

Oops!

2006-05-06T12:05:00.000+01:00

Well, the strain of my extra workload finally got the better of me.
I started the week still suffering with the tail end of a migraine and after simmering and seething for a few days , getting more and more tired as I had to work later and later to keep to deadlines, I finally snapped in a meeting with the boss this week and walked out on him.

The history to this is simple, as I said in my last post, I've taken on extra work because we're missing a man and I've had to do triple the usual work to keep on target and to make sure that things are delivered on time. Throughout this I've had not a word of support from the boss, in fact the only thing he's said is to keep me another task with a short deadline.

By wednesday this week I was exhausted and by the time I got to our leadership meeting in the afternoon I was short-tempered too. During the meeting I made two points and on both cases got slapped down in quite a rude manner - in fact the implication was that I was lying!

Thursday morning, another meeting, during the discussions I made a point about health and safety, what the boss was suggesting would be dangerous and I pointed out that to do what he wanted would be dumb since it would place students at risk. Anyway again I got slapped down and accused of calling the boss dumb - that was the final straw, I stormed out.

Yesterday I sent a note outlining all that I'd done during the absence of my colleague and what still needed to be done, but also what I couldn't do given my current workload. Within two minutes of delivering my note I was called to the boss's office and yelled at - I thought it was the content of the note that had upset him, but it turns out that he was upset because I'd addressed him as Mr ......... in the note - he was annoyed because I'd called him by name! What should I call him? Oh wait I can think of several other names!

Next week's going to be fun, the boss is due to watch me teach on monday - I wonder how fair and objective he'll be! Also other tasks he's given me are due and I haven't finished and probably won't be able to finish them on time.

I also think I've another migraine coming on - time to pop the little pink and yellow pills again.

The main thing that hampers my progress is the fact that we only have 24 hours in a day, if only there were 30!

Anyway whinge over, I've brought work home, but I'm not going to do it today, I'm going out with C - shopping then dinner then a movie - probably Mission Impossible 3 that C wants to see, I didn't even know it was out.

Tomorrow I might work or I might not - I'm going to be scolded anyway so I might as well have one big scolding rather than several smaller ones!

Right, time to shop - I'm thinking about buying a rock tumbler, it's useful in cleaning up the silver I'm working with.

Catching Up

2006-04-29T15:37:00.000+01:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks - I'm a man down in my department at school so I've had to take on his work too, in some areas this has tripled my workload. To make it worse it's my busiest season so I was already working flat out, but who needs to eat and sleep anyway!

As ever the boss is being demanding and seems unable to recognise that we're doing our best - he still doesn't seem to trust us and is continually scolding us and chasing us to do our work, he doesn't seem to realise that he'd get more from us if he just trusted us more.

My dad's gone through a rough patch with his illness, but now seems to be getting a little better - the cocktail of drugs he was on seemed to be clashing and now that some have been removed he seems to be making progress.

It seems like it was months ago that I was happily playing in the snow in Canada - I want to be there again!

I have made time to make some more jewellery - my obsession with my little figures continues, but now I'm working on making them in silver - I'm only making bracelets at the minute , but I want to try making a ring - I just can't decide on a design. The photos here show what I've made lately.

Of course, I should also find something to do with what I've made, otherwise I'll end up surrounded with the things - there's a limit to how many times I can use them as gifts!

Anyway, that'll do for now - I've more errands to run.

Out of practice

2006-04-26T23:54:00.000+01:00

Haven't posted in a while and too tired to do so properly now

Goal for this weekend - post to blog

Still Jet Laggy

2006-04-16T06:18:00.000+01:00

Been awake since 4am - watched lots of educational tv and done laundry.

Hope I can get my body clock back before work on Tuesday.

This is the earliest I've been awake on a Sunday - shame nowhere's open, I feel like shopping!

What time is it?

2006-04-15T20:35:00.000+01:00

Well I'm still having trouble with the jet lag - I was up and doing school paperwork before 7am this morning and then sleeping at 1pm.

Anyway, it's time to write about my trip.

I had a great time - I didn't ski as many challenging runs as I would normally do, I was with C and she can't ski the tougher runs and I hate to ski alone so we went at her pace.

There was plenty of snow and plenty of sun which is a good balance, although there was some rain and quite a lot of heavy cloud - the last day skiing was cut short cos we couldn't see more than twenty feet in front of us which is a little dangerous.

After eight years, I reached a goal I'd been promising myself - I took a day to learn how to snowboard. it was great fun and I'm glad I did it but if I do it again I'll do it different. The instructor went too quickly, trying to put too much into the day and this meant that we spent a lot of time falling and getting annoyed - I gained my first snow-related injuries in about 7 years, I have a sprained thumb and a sore back, the thumb was from falling off of a chair lift and the sore back was from C ploughing into me when I was on the ground and my back took the full force of her weight through the edge of her board. I want to try it again cos I couldn't do it and I like a challenge - perhaps several short lessons rather than one long one.

I did feel guilty for cheating on my skis with a snowboard, but we've made up now!

Also went to my first ice hockey game (in fact my first professional sporting event) - that was fun too albeit confusing, I still don't understand all that went on other than the local team, the Calgary Flames beat the Phoenix Coyotes. My only complaint was how sticky the floor was! I think that years of spilt beer has turned the floor into fly paper.

Banff was just a beautiful as I remembered and the people just as warm. As ever I ate too much, but didn't drink too much - booze and skis don't mix.

The only sad point was that a guy died while we were there, in fact we were present around his death - the guys son fell through the ice on the frozen river and the guy went in after him, he got the kid out, but sixty seconds (only 60 seconds) in sub-zero water gave the guy a heart attack and he died there on the ice. C and I were walking along the river when we came upon the scene just as the emergency services arrived - I think it was already too late then.

I feel really relaxed now and am looking forward to seeing the kids in school again - the trip made me realise again what a great thing skiing is, so when I get back I'm going to start the prep for a school ski trip next year.

I have 50+ photos from the trip (mostly of snowy mountains), I may post a couple soon.

Right now I'm going to try to go to bed to see if I can get my body clock back on track.

Back from Canada

2006-04-13T22:46:00.000+01:00

I'm back from a great holiday in Canada - I'll post properly later, once I've got over eight hour on a plane with loud families, screaming girls and crying babies, and also when I've worked out what day and time it is - my clock say's it's late night my body says it's mid afternoon!

Marking finished

2006-03-19T16:46:00.000Z

It took me nearly all day yesterday, but I've completed the marking of my students' work - there are some really good pieces of work which should see the boys getting good final grades, but there are several boys who are just missing the grade by a few marks - I have to decide now whether or not to return their work to them and allow them to improve the work and break through the boundary, we said that we wouldn't do that this year so I'm unsure at the moment.

Also I'm a bit annoyed with myself, I made some more silver jewellery last night and this morning and as I was finishing it I managed to snap the top off - very annoying!, especially as the break is in a place I can't repair.

Got a phone message to say that the plane tickets for my trip to Canada are ready for me to pick up - I'm looking forward to collecting them, I'll know then that I'm definitely ready to go, unfortunately, the travel agent that has my tickets is in the middle of a large shopping centre, so I might have to go shopping as well as collect the tickets!

Busy week coming up - all the usual stuff plus a couple of pointless meetings that just serve to waste time.

Remembered to order a Mothers' Day gift for next weekend, just have to remember the card now.

I think that's it - take care all.

Coffee Break

2006-03-18T15:20:00.000Z

I'm taking a short break from marking my student's work - after working all year they've handed in their assignments and now i get to see if they've listened to me at all.

In fact most of this week has been geared to this small group of kids - most days after school I've given them time to work, and have answered questions from them wherever we've met around school.

Even after all these years I still get frustrated at how late some of the kids leave it to start their work - in some cases they've left it so late that I don't think they can recover.

It's especially frustrating when I've spent lots of time telling them what they need to do and chasing them to do it and now it's too late.

On the bright side, I enjoy marking the work cos most of the kids turn in some good stuff and I love to read it - they have to produce a 3 dimensional piece as well and yesterday I lined up all the complete or nearly complete pieces and they looked good. I have a favourite piece that I want to keep for myself but I can't, the lad who made it has worked so hard, he deserves a high grade (I have my fingers crossed that he'll get it).

Anyway, break over, I'm only two thirds through the assignments and i've deliberately left the best ones to the end so I'm looking forward to seeing those.

take care all.

Another week nearer my holiday

2006-03-12T20:13:00.000Z

I've been sitting staring at the little flashing cursor for a long time now and nothing worth writing has leapt into my mind.

Elmo scolded me the other day for writing about work too much so I'm going to try to avoid doing that - other than to say that I'm now actively looking for a new job, I think I really need to move on.

I've been trying to come up with some new jewellery designs but my brain's pretty much a blank - I want to keep using my little people but I want to change the material, I've used acrylic a lot, but no new ideas are coming.

Also I've been thinking about the fire a lot - I keep finding myself trying to work out what my escape plan would be and what things I would take with me - the stumbling block is how do you transport a goldfish if his tank is too big to move?

Anyway, nothing more to say.

night all

Nothing much happening

2006-03-05T19:46:00.000Z

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I have nothing to say but I felt I couldn't leave my blog untouched for another week.

So, in summary, I've been off work with flu since tuesday and have spent most of the time asleep, sneezing or coughing.

It worry me a little that i've been out sick as many times as I have this year - it's about 7 days in total and usually I don't miss a day. I think some of the cause has been the amount of time I spend on duty out in the cold before going into a hot classroom and then back in to the cold, this is combined with days when I don't get a break all day so don't eat or drink properly - these things can't do my health any good.

I'm fit enough to return to work tomorrow and look forward to a barrage of all the things that haven't been done.

take care all

Latest Creations

2006-02-27T20:32:00.000Z

I thought I'd post the latest bracelets that I've made - these are all made in fine silver rather than the pewter I used previously. For my first attempts at silverwork I'm really pleased. My favourite piece is the simple black cord with hiv/aids ribbon - in fact it's the one I've been wearing most.

My next plan is to try to make in silver the male and female figure that I design earlier - that's going to be a challenge.

In other news, I saw the fire damage down the building today - the two top floor flats at the opposite end to me are completely gutted, there's no hint of roof at all - it's amazing to me that noone was hurt.

It's all a bit CSI

2006-02-26T14:01:00.000Z

Well the Fire Service were here all night making lots of noise while they cleared up and made things safe - I didn't get to sleep until 3am cos of the noise, but I don't mind since they didn't let me burn.

Anyway now we have the investigation team here going over the place trying to find out how the fire started. I've been out to throw some rubbish away and you can't see any real damage on the building from the front. I'm guessing that the real damage will be at the back since that's where the kitchen is and my money is on the fire starting in the kitchen - it seems the logical place.

For a fleeting moment I thought about taking pictures to post, but I really don't like people who gawk at others misfortune and i don't want to be one of those people. I'm just happy noone was hurt and that the fire didn't get to my home.

Dad's still ill, he's had a reaction to one of his new drugs, his tongue has swollen making speaking hard for him - he sounds like he's just come back from the dentist! Anyway he's now got anti-histamine to take to deal with the allergic reaction. He now takes so many pills that he rattles when he walks.

Get well soon Dad.

Saturday night excitement

2006-02-25T23:40:00.000Z

For the last three hours I've been on evacuation alert and have only just now been given the all clear.

One of the flats at the other end of my block caught fire and the fire brigade have been battling to put the fire out - fortunately there were no injuries other than a dog suffering from smoke inhalation (I'm being serious they called an emergency vet to tend to it!)

I guess that since it took three hours+ to put the fire out, the place must be pretty much destroyed - I'll know tomorrow when I go outside.

The evacuation warning was because my flat is in the same building as the burning one and there was a worry that the fire would spread, so I've sat here with a bag packed for three hours cos the police said that we would only get a few minutes warning if they decided to get us out.

So there we go, in my last post I said I wanted to rest and relax today and instead I get fires and evaluation alerts, tomorrow must surely be better.

The irony is that despite burning buildings next door, I'm really cold!

Update: It's now midnight and the Fire Brigade have just visited to make sure that me and my flat are ok after the night's excitement - good of them to check.

A tough couple of days

2006-02-25T16:55:00.000Z

It seems that lately too many bad or hard things have been happening in my life - I'm hoping that it's all just coincidence and not a change in my luck!

Anyway, work was work this week, the usual stuff with the boss making demands and setting really short deadlines, the kind of deadline that you can't meet without ignoring other things which you then get scolded for not doing!

But the worst part of my week was getting a call to say that my dad was back in hospital after collapsing - it was a worrying couple of days cos we didn't know what was wrong, if it was something new or his previous illness coming back again.

Obviously none of us got much sleep and for wednesday to friday I was working on a total of about 4 hours sleep - you can imagine how pleasant it was to be around me!

Dad's home now but is still a little weak and having some trouble breathing - it's an infection that needs time to clear, the huge amounts of antibiotic should help though.

I actually got some sleep last night, but the relief of dad coming home means that I now just want to relax a bit but I've got work to do before Monday - I think I'll leave that until tomorrow and take to day for rest.

In other news, thank heavens for the dabbling with jewellery making I've been trying, it gave me something to do while I couldn't sleep and I am working on a few new ideas - there not good enough to share yet, but soon.

take care all

Don't make me go

2006-02-19T16:57:00.000Z

Work starts again tomorrow and I don't want to go - there are way too many jobs waiting for me!

I wonder if anyone would notice if I took another week off?