Wandering Mind

Today's Harvest

2008-08-13T20:20:00.001-04:00

Grateful

2008-08-02T19:19:00.001-04:00

My feet were like balls or nubs on the end of my legs. On the earth but separate from it. My mind was scattered. My body felt like a solid mass, without individual parts moving fluidly together but like an overstuffed sausage that couldn't bend but roundly at the middle. My heart was not connected to anything, nor was I even sure it was present. My hands remembered what it felt like to spread wide and press into the earth, but it was only a memory for they, too were on the earth but not touching, not connecting. The universe and I are very separate right now and I miss her. I will come back tomorrow.

This is my yoga practice and I am grateful for it.

There is life here.

2008-07-31T20:28:00.004-04:00

That's the thought that goes through my head every time I wander our property or look out the window. I don't know if it's because of Shakespeare's Lear that says, "Then there's life in it." or just because there is so much life.

We bought the place in February and have been working on it since. The house is small and old, with the original structure built in 1780 and the rest added on in 1870. It's a wonderful place. there are more bird and bug species than I've ever seen in one place. We have a chickadee that eats out of your hand, a red tail hawk that flies over everyday, sparrows, finches, cardinals, jays, cat birds, robins, and a lot more. Right before we moved in (bought in Feb., but moved at the end of June, it's needed a LOT of work.) we caught a honey bee swarm and started a hive. What prompted me to write tonight is that hive has already filled and swarmed again into an old maple tree along the rock wall on the front of the property, yet another example of the life that brims here.

And it's not just the birds and the bees here, we've got snakes (I see at least one every day i'm in the yard), frogs, toads, katydids, crickets, cicadas...

I can't wait to get the chickens, but that will be next year.

And a dog...

untitled

2008-07-23T10:08:00.002-04:00

There's so much being left out right now. Between work, a new house (that needs a whole lot of work) and a relatively new daughter and wife I am leaving out a lot of the things I love to do. Maybe I love to do too much...

In reflection, it's actually not sooo much, it's just a few things.
Yoga
Climbing
This blog
and my connection to the universe...

none of which would i have to give up if i weren't so lazy.

But there is a pull right now to get back to all of it. even if only a little of each.

New Moon Madness

2007-10-10T09:12:00.000-04:00

I'm watching so many people close to me bottoming out and I can only hope that today is very bottom and it all goes up from here. I know my mood tends to swing down around the new moon and I was trying to be more observant this time and I think it helped to keep from being so affected. But I'm blaming my friends situations on the moon as it's entirely based on views and mental dispositions and the physical "facts" of the situations could be viewed as much less severe from a slightly different perspective. If it's not the moon, maybe something is in retrograde... whatever it is, I hope things improve for everyone soon.

I actually got up to practice as I thought the new moon was tomorrow (as my google calendar says) but for some reason I thought to double check. and I happily went back to bed for two hours. I'm still making it to my mat every day and I'm happy to be working through those days where I would much rather go home after 3 Surya A's. I'm trying to change my views and limit them to the pose I'm doing rather than all of the poses left to do. So far so good. I've been back at it for a month and haven't missed a day!

Happy

2007-09-30T17:00:00.000-04:00

Continuing to make it to my mat.

I'm Happy.

New beginnings, yet again.

2007-09-22T07:06:00.000-04:00

Practiced every day this week, actually got my ass out of bed at 5 so I could get to the studio by six and then home to spend time with the Wife and Daughter before running off to work. It's actually been quite lovely and I have all kinds of extra time in the morning but the falling asleep standing up by 8pm takes a little getting used to. I've managed to meditate just about every night, too. Even went to a Dharma Talk on Thursday. It was interesting but it was from 7 to 9 so I was pinching myself to stay awake and by the last meditation of the evening I was meditating on not falling asleep or falling over... in a group of 7 that would be somewhat obvious. As far as practice (and meditation) goes making the main focus of my practice the intention to stay in the present. My biggest challenge is way my mind just goes all over the place (thus the blog title) and I'm trying to slowly pull in the reins. So far, so good.

I've also managed to lose 12lbs. but have a mere 20 to go. L has managed to lose all but about 3 to 5 of her baby weight. I, on the other hand, continued to climb in mass until I gained (and maintained) a whopping 32 extra lbs. Need to let it go.

Green Fried Rice

2007-06-09T21:06:00.000-04:00

Our first meal (not counting the mixed salad for lunch) from our CSA produce. It's just your basic fried rice with Bok Choy, Leeks, and Spinach. When I first started making it I thought it was going to be a little to "green" for me and I've also never used Bok Choy or Leeks before but it actually turned out really good!
And to celebrate a wonderful, healthy, home-cooked meal, we went out for ice cream!

First Trip to the CSA Farm

2007-06-09T15:55:00.000-04:00

3 Kinds of Lettuce
Chinese Cabbage
Bok Choy
Leeks
Chives
Spinach
Garlic Scapes
Pea Tendrils
Radishes
Parsley
Broccoli Rabe
Mixed greens
3 Tomato Plants

This is the produce from our first pick-up at our CSA Farm. It was nice to be excited about picking up vegetables this morning. We also picked up a dozen eggs from the chickens there. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen the chickens that make the eggs I eat. These looked pretty content. Now we just need to figure out what to do with all of this food other than salads… I think we’re going to try to make some garlic scape pesto, a lot of stir fry, and hopefully some creative things.

I started to pot the tomato plants and put them on our south facing roof and managed to get stung in the face when I set the pots down in front of a wasp nest. Not pleasant - but I took out six of them in return. I’m going to go back out there some morning soon and clear the rest out. I don’t like having a wasp nest right under a window, especially one I need to go out on occasion and it really seems to be the best place for the tomatoes.

I want to try and eat as locally as possible for a while and see how it works out. I just finished reading Plenty which is the US version of the Canadian book The 100 Mile Diet. It was actually a really good read. I expected it to be much drier than it was. But anyway, It’s inspired me to try and keep my food sources as local as possible. I’m not going to stress about everything, just one step at a time. Plus I haven’t tried to convince L of this, and it would be next to impossible to really do this with one person not interested. She and I have similar but different views on things like this… I usually go off the deep end and then pull back a little. She starts out more cautiously and then increases if it seems to work.

Kayak Lessons

2007-03-24T13:06:00.000-04:00

Lesson #1
Don't go kayaking by yourself if you've never had a lesson.
Lesson #2
Definitely don't go kayaking by yourself having never had a lesson when the water is 33 degrees.

The problem with getting a kayak in the middle of winter is you don't want to wait for the water to warm up before you take it out. Kayaks do NOT handle like a canoe! I went out on the Wallkill river today thinking I would keep it in the calmer areas, tipping over wouldn't be an issue so I don't have to worry about the fact that I don't know how to roll it over. I was out for less than three minutes when I find myself under the kayak in 33 degree water, sunglasses and paddle are gone and I'm struggling to get out of the kayak. Hmm... this was not the afternoon I had planned on... Once I'm out of the kayak I grab onto it and try to swim toward the shore, watching the paddle float away, hoping I don't get hypothermia. It gets harder to catch my breath and my muscles get tired from the cold, I can feel the panic coming on... Should I yell for help? oh, god... and my hand hits something. Its mud... the water was about a foot deep... oh... I guess I could just stand up now and walk out... yeah, hi. that's not embarrassing. Granted, it was deeper (over my head) where I tipped it but I'm sure most of my swim was in water under four feet deep.

I actually got my paddle back, too. I drove along the river on the way home hoping I would see it float by. Surprisingly I actually did and since I was still soaking wet from my first swim, I just jumped in and got it.

Yeah, I think I'll take kayak lessons as soon as the water warms up a bit.

Nothing like false labor...

2007-03-21T18:01:00.000-04:00

to light a fire under your ass. L's due date is coming in about two and a half weeks and we had some "pains" last night that we weren't sure where they were going. Turns out to be a false alarm but we realized we still needed to get some things ready so that's what we've been doing today. Car seat is installed. Baby clothes, blankets and bedding are washed. Suitcase is nearly packed... Playlist still needs to be created for the iPod. Problem is you don't know what is good birthing music when it's your first one. We took a tour of the birthing center yesterday which may have been what sparked last night. You're always catching something in a hospital and we may have just caught a touch of labor. Seems to be gone now but the baby is finally dropping down. It's quite the trip to get ready for a baby.

I've been hitting the gym lately but not the mat. I have a hunch it's not far away, though.

Anticipation

2007-01-12T19:00:00.000-05:00

I didn't feel like practicing tonight. It was a long day and I just wasn't looking forward to stepping on the mat. So, before I began my practice, as part of my intention, I asked for an answer as to why I practice. And one part of the answer came to me immediately as for the rest of my intention I gave my energy to my daughter, whom I'm patiently waiting to see. Practice was fine and good but no answers came blaring out at me. Between each pose I thought about stopping and resting or stopping completely, not really looking forward to the next pose. I made it all the way to urdhva dhanurasana and I was laying on my back waiting to go into the pose and I thought to my self in a somewhat negative connotation,

"Why are you doing this?"

and an answer came to me right away, it said

"If you want to understand why you do this, you must actually do it."

My problem is not with the asanas, it is my anticipation of the asanas. My favorite practices are the ones where I'm really in the here and now. My least favorite ones are when I'm mentally moving ahead of where I really am. This is my problem with so many things in my life. The actual doing or practicing of most things I enjoy, but I stress myself out with the anticipation of these things. I must release my precepts...

And seeing how this all came about right before urdhva dhanurasana it makes sense that it was a wonderful posture for me tonight. I had been working on engaging the thighs, and focusing on lengthening the front of the body and I remembered something I had read by Donutzenmom about a comment she had received from vanessa that made her think to engage the whole core, not just the front or back. Wow! did that make a difference. I'm not sure I've ever done a back bend correctly before that. It suddenly felt like the spine was curling up in a circle and not trying to fold in one or two spots. I went back up 4 more times because I was having so much fun. I only stopped so I wouldn't push to far...

All in all pretty good for 12 days straight. It feels like more and knowing there are 19 days left is somewhat daunting but I guess that's the point of my realization. It's about being in the now and doing it and not worrying about what comes later.

Nice Rack

2007-01-11T22:06:00.000-05:00

It's sad when one of your closest friends takes a job on the other side of the pond and you know he probably won't be back for a long time. But it makes you feel better when he sells you his climbing gear, camping gear, and kayak... cheap. More than doubled the size of my rack (that would be "pile of climbing gear"). He's going to be working at the English National Opera in London. I wish him well.

Cut out of work at noon today so me and the missus could practice before I went into the city to pick up my new toys. It was a good practice but I was still a little tired. As I was noticing I was tired I started thinking about cutting it short but I had a little conversation with myself and I realized that just because I'm tired doesn't mean I can't do all the poses. So I did. 11 for 11.

10/10

2007-01-10T18:04:00.000-05:00

Today was the first real low energy day of NaYoPracMo. I had a pretty physical day at work which may account for part of it but I was pretty much shot after the standing poses. So it was quick but I'm happy with what I did do. I tried that press the fingers down, lift the palm up thing again... that may have helped tap me too. Once the forearms fail it puts more work in the shoulders. ah, well, I practiced and I wrote. G'night.

Love the one you're with

2007-01-09T18:35:00.000-05:00

Another good practice today. Deeper into Savasana than I've been in a loooong time. Felt really good. I'm trying not to compare my practice now to my practice from 6 months or a year ago. I don't think I really can, it's just not the same practice better or worse, it's something completely different. I like that. As I get stronger I keep wanting to add in more poses but I'm holding myself back through January. This month is about getting these poses as strong as possible, then I'll add a few poses and take a month or so to get them strong, then a few more, etc, etc, etc. I've been engaging my legs, specifically my quads, more than than ever and I already notice the difference. I started to go back into chatturanga between upward dog and downward dog which is a lovely way to kick ones own ass (yogicly speaking, of course) and today for the first time I realized when my hands are on the mat 95% of my weight is on the heel of my hand. So I started trying to press my fingers down into the mat to the point of just barely lifting the heel of the hand off the mat. That is not easy for me to do. I probably only did it 7 or 8 times today and my forearms feel like I've been climbing for a couple of hours. So, yeah, Practice is good. Short enough to do things better.

Full day at work today. I guess the holiday is over. I made sure I was out right at 5, though so L and I could get our practice in before it got too late. We're meeting with a doula tomorrow, sort of interviewing each other. I'm interested to hear her ideas behind what a doula is... L is a doula and I have heard her talk about it but it seems different to me to bring a stranger in. I'm sure she'll be fine, L seems to already like her but I think I just need to listen to her ides and I'm sure it will alleviate any concerns (they're all ego based, anyway). And I'm finally getting my state inspection on my truck tomorrow, too. That's only 6 months past due.

9 & 9 and ready for more.

#8

2007-01-08T17:48:00.000-05:00

The mind was restless and the body was tired, but practice I did. I think I may have eaten a little to lightly last night and my energy reserves are down. I'm trying to shed a couple (30) lbs and I had some "off limit" snacks last night at the Bradley class. We got home pretty late so I pretty much skipped dinner thinking the snacks were a relatively fair trade. I mighta been wrong about that.

Untitled

2007-01-08T08:46:00.000-05:00

It's hard to be a father-to-be. Not because I have any worries about being a good dad, but because I have to be a better husband. "I know how I would do it if I were having a baby." but I'm not having a baby. She is. And I have to do every thing I can to make sure she has what she needs which is NOT always what I think she needs. When I do something with the sweetest and most loving of intentions and she asks me to change it (mind you, she has been generous and sweet about every request) I have to take a half second to talk my ego down and realize that she is right, I am not, and that if my intentions are true it's actually very easy to give her what she needs. I know my wife quite well in who she is and what her general likes and dislike are, but this is an opportunity to understand her on so much deeper of a level than I've ever honestly imagined. I fall a little more in love with her every day.

This really is a process about her. It's nice to think that I am a part of it and am able to help her but ultimately that's all I can do. That may be one of the hardest things for me as a man to accept. I know that many women may feel that men say things like this because they don't know what it's like to have a child, what the pain is like. But it's really not about the pain, it's about the life. I understand what my dharma as a husband, soon to be father, is, or at least I am learning to understand and I am happy to take on that responsibility to the best of my abilities, but I can only be curious about what it's really like. Even if described with the most accurate detail it must be experienced to be understood.

And please don't misunderstand me. I'm truly happy to be here with her exactly as things are. This is just a musing of a wandering mind.

And on the 7th day...

2007-01-07T15:35:00.000-05:00

He Practiced. And it was good. And She practiced with Him. And that made It even Better. I'm enjoying my practice so much right now. Combining the mindfulness of the Buddhism I've been studying and the inspiration from NaYoPracMo to practice every day I'm having an absolute ball. I start back to work full time this week so I'm looking forward to allowing my new habits to fix my old ones. L and I have been getting out on a walk each day so we plan to continue that but I'm not sure if that will be in the morning or at lunch time and we're planning on practicing each night when I get home from work. At school we're hosting the ACTF again this year next week so that will throw a bit of a wrench in the schedule but I'm determined not to let it get in the way of my practice.

We're off tonight to our Bradley class. It's fun leaning all about the birthing process and the Bradley method is husband coached so I actually get to feel like I'm helping. We're also going to be mixing in some hypnobirthing along with it so it should be an amazing experience. It's already been a pretty cool trip.

The Narrator

2007-01-06T18:09:00.000-05:00

It's January 6 and I'm sitting here writing this with the window open... Go figure.

Try to think about your toes without thinking the word toe.

Try thinking about the parts of your toe without thinking any words that deal with your toe.

Now try to get that voice quiet that's telling you not to use any words while you're thinking about your toes.

Dude, Shut the hell up.

I don't think I realized that I think in words as much as I do. I don't do it all the time, especially when I let the subconscious mind take over but when the words start flowing in my brain its hard to turn them off. I have attached a label to everything and to try to think about that thing without it's label is next to impossible. Should be an interesting challenge.

Well, this global warming is going to make a mess of the world but it sure made it pretty today. 70 degrees in the middle of winter. L and I went out for a stroll in the country soaking up the sun and the breeze. Quick trip to the grocery and then cozied up together with all the windows open and just smelled the fresh air blowing through. And once again we practiced together so that's 5 of the last 6 days. I'm 6 for 6 so far and I always seem to be looking forward to the next practice. It would be fun to keep practicing together up to the baby being born and then even continuing after that. I think the weather boosted L's energy today. We walked a little farther than usual and she kicked up her practice a bit. I guess when you've got a baby pushing all your guts up to where your lungs are supposed to be it makes it a little hard for you to breath and wears you out a bit. oh, yeah, that reminds me... I ate a little too close to my practice today and it made it uddiyana bandha kind of difficult.

Yeah, it's nice out but we really need a good, long freeze. The plants and bugs don't have a clue as to what's going on and the ones that we need to get killed off in the winter won't (ticks and mosquitoes) and the others will starve to death like our honey bees. I put sugar water out for them today but I don't know if any of them used it. I hate to say this but I wish we would get a good cold snap...

Stronger

2007-01-05T16:55:00.000-05:00

today than yesterday. There is noticeable differences in my practice from one day to the next. I go through my practice with more intention than ever before and the rewards are noticeable. Those foundational things with the feet and legs and hands that I used to cheat through because I could and because they were "too hard" (read I was "too lazy") are now truly the foundation of my practice. My practice only takes an hour because I am only doing the Suryas, standing, and finishing so I have the energy to do things better and there is nothing I'm trying to move on to. I just do the pose I'm in. I think it helps that I know I'm in this for the long haul so I've limited myself. 31 days straight and I don't want to hurt myself or push too far but boy howdy, part of me wants to do more. I think I have a drive that too often takes me too fast and I either burn out or get hurt. Slower, Stronger and with Intention.

L wasn't feeling a whole lot better but she still joined me for practice. I really love watching her move with our little baby poking out in front of her. The little one is moving all the time now and it's so much fun to put my hands on L's belly and feel her dancing around. I know that being a new dad is going to be overwhelming because it's such a big task and it's something I've never done before but I have absolutely no fear because I know, no matter how overwhelming, it will be amazing. If waiting for this baby doesn't teach me patience, nothing will.

5 & 5

Great Expectations

2007-01-04T17:56:00.000-05:00

I've been excited about practicing all day. I couldn't wait to start. but then I realized, frequently when I feel that way it's usually a horrible practice. So I asked myself what makes those practices turn out badly and it's because I expect something from them. I think I'll fly or float or be extraordinarily bendy, and of course, I'm not anything more than one day past yesterday. So when I went into tonights practice I tried to remove the idea of expectations and it turned out to be a lovely practice. And in removing my expectations it was less of a disappointment when L was too under the weather to practice. That made it a little harder to start but I still ended up really enjoying myself and I realize that I don't get excited because I expect something great to happen, I really just like the practice.

4 & 4

Addict

2007-01-04T07:37:00.000-05:00

I had my first bowl of rice this morning as the beginnings of my rice fast. I had thought that I might allow myself to still have coffee as long as it's black because, quite honestly, I couldn't imagine getting through the day without it. Which means... I probably shouldn't have it. Shit. I have no doubt that I have a coffee addiction. I salivate every time I see a Starbucks sign. I do not plan on giving up coffee permanently but I guess I will for the duration of the rice fast. I will, however, take an advil when that headache hits later.

I was trying to be mindful and grateful as I ate this morning. I was trying to appreciate the unique flavor of each piece of rice, but I just kept thinking "there are so many things I could do to make this taste better!" ah, well. I do think this will be a good experience for me. I need to remember the feeling of being hungry and remind myself it's a good thing, I'm not starving, I'm just not satiated.

This morning L and I are going to the midwife/doctor for our 26 week checkup. We've been going every 4 weeks but as of today we go every two weeks. It's an interesting experience as a man going into what is very much a woman's world but the practice we go to is very supportive and I have learned so much going to the appointments. It's helpful for me to feel like I'm participating in our baby's life now instead of leaving it all up to L. Granted she's doing all the work right now but I want to be able to support her and know what's going on. We're done getting sonograms but we still get to listen to the heartbeat when we go in. My heart skips a beat every time I hear hers. I can't think of any thing that has brought me more joy than the coming of this little girl. To feel her move, hear her heartbeat, or feel her calm down with my voice or touch is such an amazing sensation.

I guess I'm going to not go have some coffee. *sigh*

Foundations

2007-01-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

Tearing down and rebuilding from the ground up. I've built this house more than once but each time I let it go to the point of starting over. The nice thing about rebuilding is you get to fix the mistakes (or at least some of them) that you did the last time and, while the structure is new, the knowledge is built on and improved each time. I'm finding my feet and hands, engaging the bhandas (trying, at least) and engaging the legs like I'm supposed to. My breathing has happily been one of the steadiest parts of my practice. My emphasis right now is getting stronger and prepared to take my practice further. I'm not pushing flexibility or joints, just giving myself a strong foundation for each breath and trusting that when I'm ready I'll move on.

I'm ignoring that today was a moon day and I think I won't be taking a day off this month. Right now it's about building momentum. I will, however, take it easy when I need to so as not to injure myself right off the bat. I'm unofficially joining the NaYoPracMo movement so I can remind myself what my practice is.

The pregnant wife practiced with me again today so I'm 3, 3, and 3! She was feeling a little too pregnant, though, and after some pranayama and a few asanas moved to the futon to practice her relaxation and positive visualization. I still loved having her in the room so I'm glad she didn't leave.

My other new and probably less than stellar idea is a rice "fast". Obviously if I'm eating it's not exactly a fast but I need to do something to clean out my system and the last time I did a real fast for a week it destroyed my metabolism. We're (meaning I'm) going to shoot for a week and see how I feel. I'll eat brown rice, sometimes with some Miso, and have water and lemon. I found with my last fast I gained a great perspective on food and eating (which I have since lost) so I hope to renew that as well. Sort of start my eating habits from the ground up, too. Hmm... We'll see...

Blowing out the cobwebs

2007-01-02T17:02:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm starting over again. I've even forgotten poses in the standing series. I thought maybe I had when it took no time to get through them. I'm in a better place mentally, though, and I can let the mind focus even if it takes the entire (as I practice it) standing series. I'm looking forward to a practice with about 25 pounds less, too. When the spare tire is getting in the way of poses and it's not just tight muscles (or a tight mind) it's time to let it go. L practiced with me again today and we have very different practices but it's so nice to share the energy in the room. We had a daily practice together on our honeymoon and it was one of our favorite things about the whole trip. Hopefully we can keep it up pretty regularly. Come to think of it, that's the last time I've practiced 2 days in a row before today...

My Dad is visiting today and tomorrow and it's pleasant and relaxing but there's that need to pay attention to someone else for long periods of time that can get to you after a while.

My most recent discovery of late is Thich Nhat Hanh from some books my mom asked for as christmas presents. I had heard of him before but never really looked at any of his books. I'm currently reading The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching which I'm really fascinated with. My understanding of Buddhism went no further than "Life is Suffering" which, seemed to me to be a less than pleasant way of looking at life. However, this book is bringing so much of my ignorance to light and I'm finding ways of understanding things that go along with my beliefs and the other yoga readings so I'm really not sure why it took me so long to discover these things. I'm really looking forward to reading more of his stuff and it appears there's plenty to choose from.

Beginning

2007-01-01T18:33:00.000-05:00

Blogged and practiced today. It was a nice start but I feel awkward at both. Things have changed enough with the blogging world (ie. blogger revamped itself and now my server doesn't really like working with it) that it seems awkward just trying to get everything updated. My writing and typing feel stumbly, too, much like my asana practice. The nice thing is that I've done both. I've done a little mindful breathing, too but would like to do more before I go to bed. I was able to stay mindful through my practice, allowing my body to stop where it needed to, accepting that the 20lbs I've gained in the last 6 months will disipate with a regular, mindful practice.

I'm looking forward to the opportunity to deepen my practice, explore my writing, grow with my wife, love my child, and become mindful of all things.

Well, My Dad should be here in a few minutes, I guess I should make sure we're ready for him.