Herman

Morning Delight

2009-07-29T01:48:00.002-04:00

Baby continues to keep Herman guessing in the morning. After emerging from the white, fluffy bedding piled high with 6 billowing pillows, the baby placed his two slender legs on the groud, revealing to the on-looking Herm a fully-robbed Baby -- enshrouded in an ankle-lenght Indian kaftan.

Any other day the Herm would have seen Baby emerge from bed buck naked, with nothing hiding the goods that God gave him. "I don't know what make me decide that today would be a full kaftan day. "It just felt right," he said, with a sense of purpose.

Baby's Triumphant Return to SF

2009-06-06T22:57:00.004-04:00

Baby returned to San Francisco bearing gifts. Included in the package: a Louis Vuitton leash and Juicy pineapple charm for Pique, a Dyson vacuum, Juicy Couture fragrance, and a Philips Sonicare toothbrush for Herman. Gracious.

Joseph Xeriscape

2009-06-05T23:50:00.005-04:00

Baby accepted his heroic duty to xeriscape his parents' yard in SLC, Utah. After 40 years in the same East Bench home, it was time for a yard that was easier to maintain, and perhaps more harmonic with the environment. Witness Baby at the beginning of his journey, as he began cutting down non-native, dying trees. After ripping up the lawn and several dead plants later, witness Baby in the dirt with neice Alison. Stay tuned for the new, xeriscaped yard.

Billy the Puppet (Saw) as Game Show Host

2009-04-11T23:44:00.004-04:00

Baby thought it would be funny to do the voice of the jigsaw killer in the "Saw" movies. Instead of providing options about how Herman could save his life, like in the film, Baby offered thrilling game show opportunities.

"Herman. This is your game. Choose a number between 1 and 150, and a door will open with free detergent and a key. Turn the key in the lock correctly, and an audience member will also win detergent. Choose wisely."

Herman was bemused.

Pique's Trail of Tears

2009-03-22T00:38:00.005-04:00

In two short weeks, Pique became friends with a Snoopy and penguin doll, both of which he later eviscerated.

When reached for comment, Pique was too tired to speak.

His victims are captured here in memorial.

First Fight with Neighbors

2009-03-20T23:51:00.012-04:00

Baby started his first fight today with neighbors at the condo in Ashbury Heights. After he picked several handfuls of lemons, a neighbor complained to Baby that he was robbing the community of a pleasant view of fruitful yellow trees.

Replied Baby, "They're not your trees. It's public property."

The neighbor then called the security guard for the homeowner's association, who asked Baby to desist with the lemon-picking.

The lesson: when life hands you lemons, Baby makes...a few bowls of lemons.

Baby Embroiders

2009-03-07T00:41:00.002-05:00

Baby embroidered a dog onto a pink-and-white striped Williams & Sonoma towel. Pique got jealous.

Strange Bedfellows

2009-02-28T15:15:00.004-05:00

After a raucous Friday night, Baby woke up with a stranger in his bed. The furry companion was even using Herman's "Peanuts" pillow. Baby was startled by the surprise, making the guest feel embarassed for intruding. But after a brief chat, in which the two recounted their hijinks and escapades from the night before, they reconnected and decided to make strawberry shakes in the Cuisinart.

Angel Baby Fights "Capital One" fraudsters

2009-02-26T18:27:00.014-05:00

Most people ignore phishing calls from pretend-banks claiming to need your information, but today Baby fought a caller head-to-head.

Capital One called asking for Baby's social security number. Knowing he didn't have a Capital One card, Baby yelled at the caller and asked where she got his phone number. Avoiding the questions, she said he was at risk, and Baby asked,

"How can you know I'm at risk, but not know my social security number? Tell me what you know, and I'll consider."

The caller demurred.

After hanging up, Baby dialed the number that "Capital One" provided, 800-239-7054, which proved to be a fraud service aiming to spear-phish victims for their contact information.

The operator asked for Baby's name, account number and social security number.

"Why can't you access my account with other information, like the last four digits of my social security?" Baby asked the caller. "Why would I bank with a company that needs all of that data simply to pull up my account?"

The calm tele-fraudster again asked for his social security number, so Baby asked for her phone number. The fraudster ignored the request, and advised that Baby would be in danger if he didn't share more information.

"Where do you get off calling people with these fake scams?" he asked. "Aren't you ashamed of yourself and the job that you have?

Calming down, Baby said he'd provide her any information she wanted in return for the names of her family members. The creepy bitch hung up.

Beware of the Capital One scam, this is the second time they've contacted the Baby housefhold. Call the real number of the bank to report the phishing attempt.

And as Baby demonstrates, you can have fun with the seedy scam artists in the process.

Sunday in the Park with Pique

2009-02-01T17:12:00.005-05:00

Baby hammed it up with Pique in Corona Heights Park, beginning with a joyous portrait of boy-with-dog, then quickly dissolving into frivolity. Discerning readers will notice Pique's freshly-shampooed coat which resulted from a Saturday night puppy spa in Baby's tub. Following the park, the duo would eat mozzarella sticks at a bar in the Castro, cheering for the abritrarily chosen Pittsburgh Steelers.

Baby Takes Puppy Rock Climbing

2009-01-31T22:13:00.002-05:00

After celebrating his puppy's first birthday January 24, Baby decided that Pique (the beloved Yorkshire Terrier) was ready for a two-pitch rock climb, on belay.

Standing on the top of a rocky precipice in Corona Heights Park, Baby coaxed Pique: "Climb! This is the real world, puppy, if you want to be successful you will climb to the top of this rock, without my help."

Pique made it to the top, tongue wagging, collapsing on the peak.

"Get up, Pique," ordered Baby. "Famous dogs don't get tired."

Pique whimpered, and complied.

A Home in San Francisco

2008-12-28T02:14:00.010-05:00

Baby settles a new home in Ashbury Heights, San Francisco. Stay tuned to see what Baby does with all the newfound space gained from his Manhattan apartment.

Moonstruck Eggs

2008-11-15T14:14:00.005-05:00

After a restful 12 hour sleep, Baby woke up at 2pm on Saturday to make his famous "Moonstruck Eggs" (popularized by the great Cher movie from 1987).

Shunning the pancakes that were already prepared and kept warm in Tupperware, Baby dove into his yokey delight with gusto.

After he ate, his dishes were miraculously cleared and cleaned for him, and he settled into the New York Times Real Estate section.

Baby gets wet in San Francisco

2008-11-15T00:55:00.002-05:00

Baby enjoyed the mists of San Francisco at the Golden Gate Park. "My skin agrees with this climate," he said. "I look forward to seeing my youthful dew in my new home."

Baby also posed in the tea room of the Queen Anne Hotel, which is purported to be a haunted locale of the city. "I think a ghost is a very nice thing to have in your new home. As long as he doesn't re-arrange my carefully folded laundry, I'm pleased with the mystic arrangement."

Baby looks forward to the fashionable scrarves and sweaters he can sport in his new home, but regrets that the hills in the Buena Vista Heights will prove difficult for his Yves Saint Laurent "Johnny Boots."

Of Mice and Bags

2008-08-30T18:06:00.016-04:00

Posing with the public art in the 14th Street subway station, Baby amused himself while waiting for the lazy A train.

"When I descend the staircase into this stuffy subway station, it's a good thing to peer underneath and see a metal mouse eating out-sized pennies," said Baby. "I enjoy the mouse - his name is Rodgey, from Poughkeepsie -despite his cheap metal coat and ill-fitting hat. I also enjoy eating money, and by 'eating' I mean spending exorbitant figures on multiple designer handbags, each of which resembles the next."

(His latest bag, the Louis Vuitton Beaubourg, is adorned with a Henri Bendel charm and pictured at right.)

Meanwhile, Pique ("PICK-wee", pictured below, left) waited patiently at home in an entirely different bag, growing jealous over the thought of his Daddy making friends with other small animals.

As the A train approached the muggy platform, our hero stepped through the doors and watched the mouse grow smaller as the car whisked him back to Hell's Kitchen. "Goodbye, Rodgey. I barely knew thee."

Baby Engagement

2008-08-01T23:53:00.002-04:00

Baby exchanged engagement rings with Herman today. He is happy with his Cartier Love Collection ring.

Farmer Baby

2008-07-28T13:47:00.002-04:00

Against the counsel provided by Herman, Baby purchased a blue plaid shirt from Gerry's on Eighth Avenue this weekend. Sporting the new article before work Monday morning, Herman conceded that he may have been wrong. The shirt wasn't half-bad.

Pique had no objections to the shirt, and seemed to appreciate the status of "farm doggie" that it extended him.

Baby Has a Picnic

2008-06-21T21:22:00.009-04:00

After trolling the Macy's home department for three weeks in search of the sold-out Martha Stewart picnic basket, Baby finally procured his box and brought Pique to a park luncheon.

Sitting in a "no-dog" zone of Pier 84 in the Hudson River Park, Baby unpacked fried chicken and a mound of mashed potatoes from Church's Chicken, a fried food emporium located between two Eighth Avenue strip clubs. Pique sipped water from wine glasses and lept across the grass as if his paws were on fire.

After a languid sun-bath and reading of "Audition: A Memoir," by Barbara Walters, Baby learned that a Hudson River Park ranger was approaching his picnic spread, intent on issuing a $50 ticket for violating the anti-canine rule. Packing his basket and clutching the pup close to his chest, Baby fled the grassy knoll to a distant sidewalk, successfully avoiding the citation.

"I abhor doggy-doo in my grass as much as the next gentleman," remarked Baby, as he sipped a "Giggle-tini"* on his Jennifer Convertible. "But Pique is a potty-trained young man who restricts his natural tendencies to Wee-Wee Pads. The park ranger was clearly on a witch-hunt."

*Giggle-tini is a cocktail invented by Baby. It consists of ice cubes, Fresca, and chilled, expensive vodka.

Doggie gets a T-shirt

2008-06-21T21:21:00.003-04:00

Baby outfitted his darling Pique in a doggie shirt from American Apparel this weekend, replete with white stretch-cotton and a green collar.

"I think he looks smart, organized, and a little daring," observed Baby as he gazed upon his T-shirted Yorkie. "Finally we can invite him to sit on the couch like civilized people."

Since receiving the T-shirt Pique has adopted more human-like behaviors, such as leaping two feet in the air when a rubber ball is held before him.

Baby Regards a Kasbah

2008-05-20T21:56:00.003-04:00

Our hero regards the view of his favorite Kasbah in the Ourzazate region of Morocco. Getting an even tan, he surveyed the growing pomegranate plants and nearby orange trees in restful peace.

In reverie like this, Baby becomes capable of the most profound thinking: "I need laser re-surfacing treatments, I need an angle-length jellabah robe (with hood), I need a Moroccan rug, and I need hair pills for combination dry/oily hair."

Now back from Morocco, Baby is looking for available Kasbahs (mud-built homes) to create his own B&B, called Baby's Hollywood Tragedy Paradise.

A Little Gentleman Arives

2008-04-14T23:18:00.009-04:00

Baby introduced his most precious "find" to date - his new Yorkshire Terrier, Pique (pronouonced PICK-wee). Pique has been a mildly curious furball since joing our apartment in Hell's Kitchen. He prefers to build forts with old gym clothes in the corner, then emerges to see what his new daddies are up to.

His latest game has been to steal puzzles pieces in his mouth and squirrel them away in his clothes-heap bed. When petting the little man, puzzle pieces can be seen resting below his belly for purposes unknown to his owners. Perhaps he plans to do his own puzzle?

The fellow also received his first bath (see pic). Being mellow and somewhat detached from the happenings in his new home, he went through the motions politely, with little to say. He is now a clean teen, in a state that shouldnt last long given his proclivity for dirty laundry.

Another strange habit of the new fellow is to chew on electrical chords.

While he's been given plenty of chew toys to abate his teething process, he much prefers the feeling of an electric curent running through his chewing object. His daddies find it to be some cause for concern but get easily distracted by the young man's adorable, patient eyes.

Baby's Tall Tale

2008-04-03T23:23:00.008-04:00

The tall, provincial night table reaches Herman's elbow. A true find at Pottery Barn, Baby knew that the "Charlotte Bedside Table" was the perfect companion for his boyfriend's reading and writing activities.

In bed, Herman will write in his journal and and read the letters of Jane Austen. "He has grown up to a big-boy table, now that he's 30," he said. "Notice the fresh roses on the blue doily."

Never estimate the well-chosen placement of a doily. It can make the scene - or destroy it forever.

"The fresh roeses were placed on the surface to provide inspiration for his night-time reflections," he said, pulling the wodden drawer to display ample storage space. It's the perfect arrangement for Herms to contemplate Babies playing with new Yorkshire Terriers."

Baby Warns of Siouxsie

2008-02-09T02:19:00.000-05:00

"Her show was great, don't get me wrong." he said. "She kicked her legs higher than a kickboxer class at my gym. But sadly, she refused to meet me. I want to tell her how much her songs mean to me, and she's too afraid of meeting her 2-8 fans waiting in line. She should be so lucky to have anyone waiting in line. She better play "Heaven And Alchmemy" the next night, or she's off my wedding list. Siouxsie has one last chance to prove she has class. Siouxsie really needs to take a stronger look at her base and realize we appreciate her art and we're not here to hurt her. I don't know why she's so frightened of her own fans." Tomorrow, Baby plan to meet Siouxsie head-on as she enters the venue to begin practice. More soon.

2008-02-09T01:55:00.000-05:00

Baby waited for 50 minutes in the cold to meet Siouxsie Sioux. All he wanted was to get an autograph of his concert ticket and tell her that his wedding song would be her majestic "Heavean and Alchemy." - which she did not play.

Siouxsie snubbed Baby and the other 6 fans waiting with CD covers to sign. It was all a very innocent scene, but Sioux decided to leave another door and not say good bye to the tiny, likeable crowd that only wished her well. Instead she ducked into a black minivan, like a terrorist. It was not a scene be-fitting a lady and it showed a remarkable lack of graciousness or class. Baby is now down on Siouxsie.

Quilting for Burgers

2008-01-28T22:11:00.001-05:00

Baby finished a beautiful hand-sewn quilt for his loving Mother, who in turn agreed to supply him with a steady bankroll of cheeseburgers.*

Striking a heartfelt, emotional chord, he weaved a patchwork of triangular, inter-locking pieces taken from his mother's junior prom dress. Bordering the gown pieces, he lined blocks of nostalgic dish towels that his mother used as a child (growing up in central Utah).

These squares feature images of produce on the left flank. The right flank is comprised by a vertically-stacked column of playful, hand-stitched kittens engaging in various activities (e.g., fishing, washing pants, relaxing in an armchair). Each of these towels is preserved in their original state with the day of the towel's intended use printed in graceful cursive lettering. (The kitten on the chair towel, fitfully, was designed as a Sunday towel).

Baby will continue to sew quilts in support of the energy future of America and may take up White House (P)resident George W. Bush's call for "armies of compassion" as elicited in the 2008 State of the Union address. "An Army of quilters would be fierce and disciplined," he said solemnly. "You don't mess with a man and his needle."

*Creative license was taken - no burgers actually exchanged hands.