New Squirrel Order

Abortion foe weighs run for state Senate

2005-05-27T08:59:00.000-04:00

This crotch-stain has been arrested how many times, fucked around behind his ex-wife's back how many times? Filing for bankruptcy to avoid child support and calling for the murder of abortion doctors isn't exactly what I'm looking for, quality-wise, in someone representing my best interests in the state legislature.

Only in my ass-backwards state of Florida could this happen. And the sad thing is that there are enough white trash, bible-thumping alarmists here to get this guy elected. Too sad...

Hell, we elected a dry-drunk, illiterate, coke fiend to the presidency. Why not Randall Terry to the Florida Senate?

Inquiry Finds Some Quran 'Mishandling'

2005-05-27T08:42:00.000-04:00

I'm not buying this watered down version of "mishandlings." I wonder what made the one inmate suddenly change his tune? Hmmmmm...

This is coming from the same gulag where a female interrogator smeared red ink on an inmate, pretending it was menstrual blood, and then had the water turned off in that inmate's cell so he couldn't wash?!

All of the torture and all of the mistreatment. Why wouldn't they have thrown a Quran down the toilet? Big stinking load of BS if you ask me...

I'm used to the whitewashes, the cover-ups, and the lies. That's not what bothers me - I've come to expect nothing less from the Bush Administration. What bothers me is that there are so many morons out there who are so easily lead, that they see a Newsweek retraction and come to the insane conclusion that no abuse ever happened. These are the ones who voted Bush back into office.

Egyptian opposition rejects Laura Bush comments

2005-05-24T11:28:00.000-04:00

You know things are going poorly when they have to revert to The Librarian as their secret diplomatic weapon. Parade the bitch around because nobody can stand the sight of her fucking idiot husband. Don’t bother teaching her the fist thing about Middle Eastern history or culture, though, and make sure she’s loaded with all of those bullshit ambiguous trademark Bush phrases.

She’s about on par with her husband in the Clueless Department which must have made her little Middle Eastern jaunt all the more insulting to the people who actually have to live there and who actually know what the hell is really going on.

At least Hillary had a clue when she went out and stumped or appeared on Bill’s behalf. This seems more like Laura is going stir crazy from watching Desperate Housewives over and over plus getting no action from the Horse Whisperer. So, they figure that there’s no way she could fuck things up over there more than they already are and she wants to get out of the house anyway. So, why the hell not send her dumb country ass out on a diplomatic trip?

Syria severs military cooperation with U.S. - NYT

2005-05-24T11:06:00.000-04:00

They weren't aiding Saddam. They aren't hiding those elusive WMD. They are no longer in Lebanon. they've done, basically, everything we've demanded of them and yet we still are badgering the fuck out of them.

Do you really blame them for telling us to go fuck ourselves?

Bill Would Tie U.S. Dues to U.N. Reform

2005-05-20T08:55:00.000-04:00

What a fucking joke. Pots and kettles everywhere are rolling their eyes right about now.

The plan has now become crystal fucking clear and it's now painfully obvious why Bush has his Calvin Kleins in such a wad over getting Buttbroom in at the UN. Diplomacy be damned, we're going to extort the UN for everything they're worth and the only guy who can do the job is that crazy-ass, Russian-hotel-roaming, roid rager John Bolton.

When you read this article, just replace the word "Reform" with "Extort" and it reads a lot more truthfully...

GOP's current position mirrors Democrats' spot in 1993

2005-05-19T22:05:00.000-04:00

Pretty astute fucking observation here. We'll just have to wait and see if the pendulum really is swinging back the other way or not.

The Republicans aren't exactly playing the stellar hand they've been dealt very well. They seem to be taking Bush's homoerotic-laden man-date to heart and feel it's a blank check to spew forth all of the audacity they can muster. Unfortunately for them (And fortunately for us), the sheep only have the stomach for so much hypocrisy.

What they are going to find out, soon enough, is that most Americans don't want a religious theocracy. We aren't exactly stoked to see a bunch of Jimmy Swagarts and Jim Bakers running around DC screaming, "Do as I say, not as I do!"

What started out as a platform of values is disintegrating into absolute shit. They're no better than they say we are. And it seems that people are finally starting to wake up to the fact that the only thing worse than a scum bag is a scum bag that hides behind a Bible and their so-called values.

Mexico's Fox Regrets Comment About Blacks

2005-05-17T08:44:00.000-04:00

While Mexico's President Fox shouldn’t have singled out blacks, he was on the right track. Illegal aliens are doing the work that many Americans - who, quite frankly, could really use even the paltry sum paid out to do these jobs - are too “proud” to do.

Maybe if we gradually raised the Minimum wage to $8.00 or $10.00 an hour, enacted a law with harsh punishments for those who skirted around the minimum wage law, and actually enforced the fucker we’d see a huge decline in the number of illegals “stealing” work from Americans. You force these pigs looking to save a few bucks on labor to pay a living wage to do these jobs and who do you think they’re going to hire to do these jobs in the first place?

Holy Christ! We can alleviate poverty and illegal immigration at the same time!!!

Of course, you’re never going to see a common sense idea such as that actually enacted. Some people are too busy sucking corporate cock, with big hairy balls slapping them on their chins, to think of that.

Kansas Debate Challenges Science Itself

2005-05-17T08:20:00.000-04:00

These fucking kooks just don’t get it.

You CAN’T teach intelligent design as a “science.” It’s not science. It’s a fucking pipe dream. Other than bullshit, low-level college course philosophical proofs and the Bible, there is nothing to back it up. That’s why it isn’t considered a “science” except by the religious wing nuts.

I can’t even believe that in the year 2005 that this case is even debatable in public school board hearings. Well, this is Kansas we’re talking about.

Which gives me an idea…

How about we designate the state of Kansas as an independent religious theocracy? Hell, we could throw in Nebraska too if they run out of space. Nobody will miss either state. All of the nut jobs, snake oil salesman, and bible thumpers can move to Kansas or Nebraska and teach all of the intelligent design they want. They can drink Kool-Aid, hang witches, and stone adulterers.

It will be a grand old time.

Newsweek Apologizes for Quran Story "Errors"

2005-05-16T08:50:00.000-04:00

This appears to be the beginning of a dangerous trend by the Bush White House, starting with CBS and Dan Rather, to discredit “liberal” news sources and publications critical of their agenda.

It’s quite simple.

They first cook up some documents and eyewitness accounts of some outrageous activity. Then, they feed it to the news source. When the shit hits the fan, someone is conveniently there with a retraction or “proof” that there is no veracity to the claims. Said news source is then forced to fall on its sword, making Bush look like the good guy and redirecting attention from hot button issues such as Bush’s National Guard service in the run up to the 2004 election and continuing prisoner abuse allegations now.

Don't believe me? Did you know that both CBS and Newsweek ran their respective stories by White House and DoD officials prior to airing and publishing them with no objections, questions, or concerns raised?

Don’t believe the bullshit for a second. It's all a big fucking game that the Bush administration is playing. Besides, after all of the atrocities we’ve seen committed in the name of “War on Terror” how could you believe that they didn’t flush a Quran down the shitter?

It's the Economy, Stoopid.

2005-05-14T15:05:00.000-04:00

There's an old saying where I come from. It goes, "The sun's gotta shine up a cat's ass every once in a while." And leave it to President Bush to seize on the tiniest of bright spots to drill an empty and completely undeserved, "I told you so," into our heads.

Listen, Georgie. The economy still sucks. My father, who actually served in Vietnam because he wasn't lucky enough to land a cushy spot in the Texas ANG served this country for 22 years in the USAF, has spent the past 18 in the private aerospace sector, and is probably going to be bagging groceries or flipping burgers when the Titan and Atlas rocket programs officially end in August. Shove you're leading economic indicators straight up your ass, bub.

You little war on Arabs is going over like a lead balloon. Hundreds of thousands are dead because of your hard-on for war. Hope it was worth the $2.25 per gallon I'm paying for gas. I fucking love being raped at the pumps.

Christ, man. You're fucking useless.

Idiot Pasted by Cops on Live TV

2005-05-12T16:34:00.000-04:00

Why go to a wide shot after this asshole got aced?

First of all, anyone sitting down and intently watching a highspeed chase on TV is secretly or openly wanting the dickwad being persued to either turn his sled into a fireball or get capped by the men in blue. Give the public what it fucking wants!

Secondly, why the concern for children who may be watching? Kids need to see what happens when you're a fucking retard and you: a) Lead the cops on a highspeed chase; and b) Pull a gun out after you ditch your car and start running towards a crowded shopping center. Maybe it will keep some of them from doing something so blatantly dumb later on down the line.

We can only hope...

Rebuild Them!

2005-05-12T16:05:00.000-04:00

Keith Olbermann is da maign! I couldn't agree more with his take on what we should do about rebuilding on the WTC site. Fuck all of those pansy ass Freedom Tower concepts. Rebuild them exactly as they were, with one subtle difference...

From Keith's Bloggerman site on MSNBC:

Rebuild Them!

SECAUCUS - They were just a few feet tall and not even as solidly constructed as the old architectural models my father would sometimes bring home from the office for me when I was a kid - but they affected me in a way I never would have imagined.

The towers of The World Trade Center.

They were in our studios yesterday, plastic recreations of the originals, dragged in by groups who are taking advantage of the security concerns about the planned “Freedom Tower” to push the simple idea that the best way to memorialize the victims and restore the community is to re-build the towers exactly as they stood until three and a half years ago.

They’re absolutely right - with one minor caveat. One of the towers should be exactly 229 feet, four inches shorter than the other. I’ll explain why in a bit.

Before that, I have a confession to make. My first job in television was in the lobby of WTC #1 (as they used to call it; I never heard “North Tower” or “South Tower” until the day of the attacks). That’s where CNN’s New York bureau was located until 1984 - behind a two-story thick glass wall that, when we put the studio lights on, made us look like a very cheap high school science experiment.

I hated the place. I mean, if you work in the city’s tallest building and you’re stuck in the lobby, you develop a mean streak about it. The place was comically understaffed (the first two years, we didn’t have a receptionist - whoever was closest to the front door opened it, for staffers,
visitors, and bag ladies alike). The commute - from almost anywhere else in the city - was wearying. The mall beneath the towers was a desert, and the neighborhood a wasteland (the dilapidated old West Side Highway still stood - kinda - out the doors to West Street, and the only amusements were those days when big hunks of it would crash to the roadway below). Worst of all, the air conditioning used to go out on an almost regular basis. You’ve never known heat until you’ve worked in a television studio without ventilation. Suits pressed while you wear them.
As I hinted above, my father’s an architect, so I had inherited the typical aesthetic condescension of his profession. What the heck was this Trade Center design supposed to be? The world’s largest salute to Oblong, perhaps - with the faux-gothic grillwork on the outside tacked on in a fruitless attempt to class up the joint.

I went in there to clean out my desk on the afternoon of Saturday, March 31, 1984. I would not return until September 11, 2001.

Suddenly, of course, the sense of drudgery that only a disliked workplace can represent had been transformed into the terrible meaning we all now intuit. And that gaudy grillwork - the only remains standing - stuck out against the smoking pyre of the place with the starkness, and the sudden antiquity, of the Roman Colloseum. The feelings, I needn’t tell you. 40 days as a street reporter in and around the scene of the catastrophe managed to reshape even my memories of the buildings I once dismissed as merely a great deal of weight sitting on top of the place I did my sportscasts.

And as the searing pain of those first few weeks gradually gave way to sadness and thoughts of what, if anything, should be placed on this most hallowed ground, the only thing, the only thing that seemed to make sense, was the towers recreated, as originally designed, oblong boxiness and all - with that one minor caveat about the 229 feet and four inches. I wasn’t among the voices insisting that only rebuilding it as it was would show we hadn’t been “beaten” - merely that all other forms of construction there would offend the sensibility, and diminish, not enhance, the remembrance.

I hadn’t thought much of it lately. The process of healing is a regretful one in a way. We’re designed to forget - not forget the whole, but merely the sharp edges. I hadn’t forgotten the Trade Center, nor my three years in it. Nor had I forgotten the fact that some creatures had managed to use two planes that each contained a friend of mine (Ace Bailey, the former hockey player and executive, was on one, and Tom Pecorelli, who had been one of the studio cameramen for my shows at Fox Sports, was on the other), to kill so many innocents in the buildings, including two college classmates of mine (Mike Tanner and Eamon McEneaney, who happened also to have been the quarterback and the receiver for Cornell University in the first sporting event I ever actually got paid to cover).

Those things hadn’t passed, and they won’t. Nor will the simple reality that it all happened - a reality that will still of a morning unexpectedly punch me in the stomach, or make me wonder for a moment if something so horrible could’ve actually occurred, or if I must have imagined it in a consummate moment in a dream from an endless night.

But I’d forgotten about the rightness of putting the Trade Center back where it stood. Forgotten it, until I saw that model yesterday, and it all came back to me.

The “Freedom Tower” design wasn’t somebody trying to be disrespectful; it was just the unavoidable project of an architectural trend in which everything must look like somebody just built it with a kid’s erector set. The Hearst/Conde Nast building is just getting finished not far from my home, and it’s that same style: Attach Beam A to Side Support B, Tap Support B with a pen to make sure it sounds as tinny as it looks.

But it was wrong.

The best way - the only way - to further soothe the pain is, as the proponents including Donald Trump are suggesting, to rebuild it as it was. Which brings me to my caveat.

I’d use the original blueprints and design the “new” Trade Center exactly as it had been. But I’d insist that one of the towers be exactly 229 feet, four inches shorter than the other. It’s an uncomplicated gimmick to guarantee remembrance. Because, as long as these new towers would stand, someone unaware would ask, “why is one of them shorter than the other?” Whereupon an old-timer could explain, solemnly, that the difference between the heights of the towers is intentional - it’s exactly 2,752 inches.

One inch for each of the victims.

It’s all the memorial we really need.

The Biking Fool

2005-05-12T15:12:00.000-04:00

While thousands fled for their lives from the Capitol Complex yesterday, President Bush was riding his bike. While Vice President Cheney and Laura Bush were whisked away to safe locations, Georgie Boy was miles away, working up a sweat, completely unaware of the terror enveloping the nation’s capital. A rampaging herd of overweight and out of shape Congressmen, federal employees, and lobbyists scrambled for their fat fucking lives and our fearless leader was out in the middle of nowhere, cracking jokes with reporters, and spending some quality time with his Huffy. You see, George’s handlers decided it would be best not to disturb his bikey time and wait until after he was done playing to tell him about what was going down.

No biggie. That’s the way George likes it because Ignorance is bliss for George. God help the poor secret service agent that pulls him aside to let him know there might be terrorists flying a “nookular” bomb in a Cessna towards his crib. That would be unforgivable.

What he was doing at noon, leisurely meandering about on his bike while the rest of us were…you know…at our fucking jobs doing actual work is far beyond me. Oh, well. I’ve stopped trying to figure this numbnuts out long ago.

Bolton's Chances for Approval Brighten

2005-05-12T07:54:00.000-04:00

And why should this surprise anyone?

He’s going to be approved. All of this “on the fence” posturing is just that…Posturing. These people know better than to go against the wishes of Dear Leader to have Bolton at the UN.

Bush and his cronies have delusions of grandeur that Bolton is going to walk in and clean house. That, somehow, his presence at the UN is going to slap all of those wishy-washy peaceniks into line and make them finally see things Bush’s way. I can hardly wait for the first nationally televised temper tantrum, piss and moan fest, or screaming match to embarrass the living shit out of all of you people out there that actually think that The Buttbroom is a “real go-getter.”

Devil With a Stained Blue Dress On

2005-05-10T09:57:00.000-04:00

This story is all the rage across the big pond. It’s “curiously” absent from major US MSM coverage and scrutiny.

Here’s your smoking gun, folks - Your stained blue dress, if you will.

Can we finally impeach this douschebag or what?

Of course, it will never come to that. Everything will get brushed aside with a smirk, a wink, and a nod. The freedom those thousands of dead Iraqis are now enjoying, paid for by the blood of our bamboozled troops, is more than worth it. Right? The ends justify the means. Correct?

When idiocy breeds public complacency, we have a problem. When a man fucks up so much and so often that all we can do is roll our eyes, sigh deeply, and mutter obscenities under our breath, we have a problem. When it becomes too overwhelming or mundane to protest because there’s just too much shit to complain about, we have a problem. When a story like this isn’t screamed from the mountaintops in 60-point type on the front page of every newspaper in America, we have a problem. When bloggers have to carry this to the people because the people who are supposed to be doing this are not willing to bite the hand that feeds them, we have a problem.

Simply put, we’ve got issues. No, scratch that. We’ve got yearly subscriptions…

Hurricane Season 2005 is Just Around the Corner

2005-05-10T09:15:00.000-04:00

My girlfriend and I got really lucky last year. Our house and vehicles sustained absolutely no damage, we lost power for a total of 12 hours during Hurricane Charley and at no point during Frances or Jeanne, and we were mindful enough to gas up before each one hit and get cash from the ATM. We had plenty of food, water, and beer. Life, compared to a great many others in Central Florida, was pretty good for us.

The neighborhood behind me was a little less fortunate. Trees through roofs and cars, power lost for over a week, cars sitting in the driveways with bone dry gas tanks. Areas southwest of us in Osceola and Polk Counties were absolutely decimated. Areas near landfall points on the coasts also took horrible hits.

My parents finally got their roof repaired last month. A full eight months after Frances and Jeanne battered the east coast, where they live.

Needless to say, we’re doing our hurricane survival shopping early this year. And I urge anyone in a hurricane prone area to please do the same. There’s no telling how bad it can get this time around…

2005-05-09T09:13:00.000-04:00

Piss poor.

Those words come to mind in light of an investigation by Marine Corps Times that reveals the Marines ordered some 20,000 Interceptor body armor vests that were later proven to be defective after quality assurance tests. Instead of shipping the fuckers back and demanding a refund, they instead issued about 10,000 of them to troops, many of which are on the ground in Iraq.

In true oxymoronic “military intelligence” fashion, the Marines ordered a recall on only just over half of the vests (5,277 to be exact) that are in circulation. Of course, this was only done after safety questions were brought up as a result of the investigation. Hey, I guess it’s a start. Albeit, the usual half-assed one…

I've got a great idea. Instead of wasting my money on crap that doesn't work, I'll supply them with my brand new "Dubya's No Illusions" series of ballistic body armor: A white undershirt with the words "Bullit Pruf Vest" handsomely written in magic marker across the front by my six year-old next door neighbor. Only $10 each...What a Steal!

From the "Salt in the Wound" Department

2005-05-06T16:51:00.000-04:00

Why this guy would even consider going is beyond me. You're a good man, Charlie Brown. Much better than I...

From Yahoo! News:

HARTFORD, Conn. - A year after federal agents raided his home in a terrorism investigation, Muslim businessman Syed Maswood is lucky to get on an airplane without being detained and searched. But that didn't stop him from getting an invitation to dine with President Bush.

Maswood, a nuclear engineer who has not been charged with any crime and has been trying for months to get his name off no-fly lists, received an invitation to serve as an honorary chairman at a Republican fundraiser with Bush in Washington next month.

A Republican who has donated money to GOP campaigns, Maswood said he briefly considered attending but his wife refused to fly. The last time they were in Washington, he said, they were held for hours at the airport.

"I didn't want to go stag," Maswood said, "and she's absolutely adamant."

Some people need to get the fuck over themselves.

2005-05-06T15:29:00.000-04:00

If you’re feeling duped or betrayed by having your heartstrings tugged by the Jessica Wilbanks disappearance before finding out she wasn’t abducted, you need to either eat the business end of a shotgun and pull the trigger or go suck on the exhaust pipe of a running vehicle. You’re too excitable, not very bright, and taking up valuable parking space at the mall on Saturdays.

I’m not exactly sure how anyone couldn’t tell by looking at pictures of this lady that something may have been amiss upstairs. They looked like the eyes of an overworked, overstressed person. But, I gave the family the benefit of the doubt when they said she had never done anything that would lead them to believe she would run away. But, deep down, I knew by looking into those bugged-out eyes of hers that something was about to snap.

Maybe she’s not mental in a DSM IV kind of way.

The stress of everything got to her, she screamed, “Enough,” decided a few days in Vegas were in order, and couldn’t bring herself to tell anyone about it. There’s nothing illegal about that.

So what if she cut her hair? She didn’t want to be recognized by anyone on her way out of town. It doesn’t sound like Duluth, GA is exactly New York City from accounts I’ve heard about it. No laws broken there.

So, she takes off for Vegas on a Greyhound and finally gets wind that the entire world is out looking for her. Every print and TV news outlet is milking this shit for all it’s worth: “A pretty white girl has disappeared days before her wedding? Holy shit, that NEVER happens! Lets run that fucking story into the ground and then flog that dead horse silly!”

I imagine I’d be pretty desperate to find a damned good excuse for why I took off now that all of America wants an explanation. Would I have hightailed it to Albuquerque, called 911, and fabricated an abduction story? No. But, I don’t see any real criminal intent behind what she did. At least she spread the love around to Hispanic men and white women and gave the "Unidentified Black Male, 18-35, Average Height, Average Build" angle a rest for once.

It's my understanding that for the 3 or 4 hours from the time she called 911 to the time she admitted to police she made the whole thing up, it was during the middle of the night. How many fucking people do you honestly think were pulled over and beaten with rubber hoses or harassed by the cops? How many Hispanic/white couples in blue vans do you think were on the road at 3:00 AM?

Should she have to pay up some or all of the expenses the local police incurred looking for her? Maybe. They wrapped up their search for her before she called in the bogus abduction story, so it’s not like her yarn was a catalyst for a frenzied manhunt. I think the embarrassment she’s going to feel for years to come is punishment enough.

She was unfortunate enough to pick a slow news day to pull this stunt. She’s going to have to live with that for the rest of her life. But, to throw her in jail and act like she betrayed the emotions of an entire country is ridiculous.

Christ, some of you people are fucking stupid…

Imagine if they'd had the Pope's bloated ass corpse up on eBay

2005-05-06T13:03:00.000-04:00

I just mentioned in the post before this what was the true tragedy of the desecration of the world famous Chicago underpass Virgin Mary. Well, as if my mind was read, I ran across this nice little article linked below.

Golden Palace Casino won the Pope Mobile (A used 4-banger VW Golf that used to be owned by Cardinal Ratzinger) in furious bidding. I am proud to be an American today.

How does that taste, Germany? We got your precious little Hitler Youth Golf and we're coming after your wives and daughters next. These mother fucks at Golden Palace will NOT be denied! This is 21st Century American ingenuity and progress exemplified: Buy and collect as much fucked up and useless shit as possible. Didn't these guys get that Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich as well?

All in all, a nice consolation prize for missing out on the underpass. Either way, congrats Golden Palace Casino! You just paid about $225,000 too much for a used VW Golf!

Good. Now go the fuck home!

2005-05-06T10:52:00.000-04:00

Someone has defaced the stain on a Chicago expressway underpass that, some say, resembled the Virgin Mary by painting the words "Big Lie" across it. This forced city officials to scold the crowd with a stern, "You see?! This is why we can't have nice things," and then paint over the stain completely. This, undoubtedly, upset and saddened the hundreds of people with nothing better to do than drive cross country to stare at a fucking salt stain on an underpass.

And all of this happened before GoldenPalace.com had a chance to buy the underpass on eBay. That's the real tragedy here.

Poor, Poor Limeys...

2005-05-06T08:42:00.000-04:00

Sorry, my limey friends from across the pond. It looks like you’re going to have to stay up the same creek as us a little while longer. After all of the outrage, all of the posturing, and all of the protesting you still couldn’t vote your own little cheeky war monkey out of office. Not as easy as it looks, eh? Oh well, guys. Misery loves company, they always say.

Besides...There are so many brown people we haven't gotten around to bombing yet.

File this one under: Holy Overreaction, Batman!

2005-05-05T16:09:00.000-04:00

The Supreme Guardian of Children and The Knower of All That is Good for Them in Benton Harbor, Michigan (AKA Benton Harbor Superintendent, Paula Dawning) has decided that the McCord Middle School marching band shouldn’t be allowed to play “Louie, Louie” in this Saturday’s Grand Floral Parade. She cites the song’s “raunchy lyrics” as the reason why.

I’m guessing it’s escaped the steel-trap mind of Ms. Dawning that this is a marching band she’s talking about, not the glee club. And even if they were singing along while playing, the lyrics are far from “raunchy.” To prove this, I submit to you, the lyrics to “Louie, Louie” as recorded by the Kingsmen back in 1963:

Louie Louie,
me gotta go.
Louie Louie,
me gotta go.

A fine little girl, she wait for me.
Me catch the ship across the sea.
I sailed the ship all alone.
I never think I'll make it home.

Louie Louie,
me gotta go.

Three nights and days we sailed the sea.
Me think of girl constantly.
On the ship, I dream she there.
I smell the rose in her hair.

Louie Louie,
me gotta go.

Me see Jamaican moon above.
It won't be long me see me love.
Me take her in my arms and then
I tell her I never leave again.

Louie Louie,
me gotta go.

Holy Christ! It’s a song about a lovesick guy, sailing across the ocean to see his girlfriend. Keep those little fuckers as far away from this smut as possible! Larry Flynt has got jack shit on The Kingsmen! Forget the fact that 99.9999999% of the population doesn’t know the lyrics to this song beyond the chorus. Never mind the fact that the FBI spent two years trying to decipher this song only to conclude that it is, not only, not obscene, but that it is unintelligible at any speed (Which would explain why nobody knows the fucking lyrics!). Throw all of that shiznit out the window. In Benton Harbor, Michigan and in Paula Dawning’s sick and twisted little mind, those are the grooves and lyrics of Beelzebub!

It sucks for the kids, but I really feel for the band director. He now has to come up with another song that doesn’t, by Frau Dawning’s standards, stir the prepubescent loins or summon Pazuzu. He also has to get fifty some-odd 13 year-olds to sit still long enough to learn it and get it down pat in one fucking day.

Something’s telling me that McCord Middle School’s marching band is going to be a song short in their repertoire come Saturday.

The Jebman Bitch-Slappethed

2005-05-05T08:58:00.000-04:00

The Culture of Life Circus is coming to a town near you. Get your tickets early and make sure you get a good seat - Or don’t get them and stay home. It makes no difference to the self-righteous wing nuts who, in spite of being publicly bitch slapped over their interference in the Terri Schiavo case, will stop at nothing to impose their views of morality into your home and, subsequently, down your heathen-ass, liberal throat.

This is none more evident than in my ass-backwards home state of Florida where the President’s fat ass brother resides in the governor’s mansion. When Herr Jeb isn’t rigging elections and disenfranchising minority voters to get his country-dumb brother elected President, he likes to dabble in the “God” business by trying to interject himself into every family and private issue he can think of.

Case in point:

A 13 year-old girl who’s parents, for whatever reason, had their parental rights terminated wound up under the care of the Florida Department of Children and Families (DCF). Under the watchful and vigilant eyes of DCF, she managed to get pregnant and after reporting it to her DCF caseworker, seeking counseling and medical advice on the matter, and doing some serious soul searching, decided it would be in her best interest to have an abortion.

Here’s a girl who made a mistake and realized that she was in no mental, emotional, or financial condition to raise a child. She made more of an effort in seeking counseling and advice than most well-to-do people seeking abortions would ever dream of doing. Even if she had decided to have the child and give it up, it would have ended up in – You guessed it – DCF custody.

Some of you reading this probably aren’t familiar with Florida's DCF. Some of us here refer to it as Dead Children Factory for it being under-funded and understaffed by people who have no clue what they’re doing in many cases. A lot of children wind up being placed with families that have no business raising sea monkeys, let alone human beings. And since an average DCF worker’s caseload would make Job scream in frustration and start throwing fists and elbows, a great many of these kids are rarely, if ever checked up on. Many wind up missing, and, in a lot of instances, wind up dead.

DCF, in short, isn’t the choicest of agencies to be raised by.

Well, good old Jeb caught wind of this travesty and did what any “reasonable” member of the Culture of Life would do: He and DCF sought a court order to prohibit this girl from having an abortion. If he could have kidnapped the girl at gunpoint, locked her in a basement, and forced her to have the baby he would have. Luckily for that girl, he took the legal route instead.

West Palm Beach Circuit Judge Ronald Alvarez, predictably, gave a royal bitch slapping to Jeb by ruling in favor of the girl. He cited medical evidence backing up the girl’s claim that an abortion would be in her best interest in his ruling. But deep down, I know this judge probably wanted to have Jeb alone in a locked room for five minutes for bringing such a horseshit case before him. And I can’t say I’d argue with those sentiments if that’s what he was thinking.

Jeb and his storm troopers wisely backed off after the ruling and the 13 year-old girl wasted no time in getting the procedure done that afternoon. Good for her. Show that pudgy piece of shit who’s in charge of a woman’s reproductive system!

I’m not even going to bother to ask when these fucktards are going to learn - They aren’t. No amount of public or legal reaming is going to deter them from their quest to have every person in this country a slave to biblical rule.

We may as well just bend over, try to relax, and insist on lube and a condom before the inevitable ass-fucking occurs. If you can’t trust a bunch of bible thumping right-wingers to be gentle with your liberties and your ass, who can you trust?

Apparently, they really don’t have anything better to do…

2005-05-04T10:01:00.000-04:00

Citing increased teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and drop out rates, the Texas House passed a measure to ban “overtly sexually suggestive” routines from high school cheerleading. Because, you know, all I could focus on when I was in high school at football games was how badly I wanted to bang the sexy dancing cheerleaders and drop out of school to join the burger-flipping ranks of the fast food elite. And if I could knock the bitches up and get some herpes along the way, then that’s all the better!

I will be the first to admit that the cheerleaders did make the whole sporting event experience a little bit more pleasant on the eyes. But to suggest that skimpy outfits and stripper moves will drive teenaged males to some sort of sexually charged reefer madness is completely absurd.

The only people who are truly hot and bothered about “sexy” cheerleading are the same people who passed the measure. Contrary to their limited knowledge of today’s high school culture, it’s not Animal Kingdom complete with hormone enraged males pissing on their lockers to mark their territory and sticking their blood engorged meatlogs into anything wearing a low cut blouse or short skirt. Kids who want to get laid are going to get laid. The ugly ones who want to get laid are going to have to jerk-off. That’s the way it’s always been and will always be. No amount of legislation short of mandatory state sanctioned chastity belts and/or castration is going to change that.

State Rep. Senfronia Thompson hit the nail right on the head when wondering what they had done to help the plight of the mentally ill, school finances, or ethics. The ACLU, which always has something to say about everything, are weighing in by saying the measure is unnecessary because there’s already a law on the books prohibiting public lewd and lascivious behavior by students on or near a school campus.

What a fucking concept! Enforce laws already in existence and focus your legislative energies on issues that actually amount to jack shit at the end of the day. If a student is acting in a lewd manner by how they are cheerleading, bring ‘em up on charges and let one of those evil activist judges sort it out. If I remember correctly, that’s what they’re there for: To interpret the law.

Congratulations, Texas. You, officially, now have too much free time on your hands…