Taylor Bunts

Which One is the Pop Star?

2007-02-23T11:19:00.000-05:00

Before and After.

- JG

The Future of Paternity

2007-02-23T09:57:00.000-05:00

Maury: Welcome back, before the break we met Bridget, a 36 year old from Binghamton NY, who is trying to find out who the father of her 6 month old son TJ is. Now Bridget you say that you were only with one man when you concieved TJ is that right?

Bridget: Maury, (dabbing eyes) I know who the baby daddy is. I was only with one man, and he went and ran off with Speedy Gonzalez's slutty sister. I just want the truth to come out.

Maury: Well let's meet this man, he's a 3 time Super Bowl Champion with a chin dimple most people would kill for, let's meet the guy you think is the father, this is Tom.

(Backstage footage of Tom wearing a backwards Pats hat rolls)

Tom: Maury this bitch is crazy (crowd boos) I know she was with every guy in town, I heard she even did my cousin. I aint that baby's father and today I am gonna prove it. Bridget get ready to be out of my life cause once the test results come in, you and your crazy close to 40 body is out of my life. I aint no bitch.

Maury: Let's give a big welcome to Tom everyone. (Brady crypt walks out to a chorus of boos).

Tom: Ohhh, all you haters, shut up, sit down, all you haters,

Maury: Now Tom,

Tom: Ya'll don't know me

Maury: Tom, please, now you are certain that you aren't that father of TJ?

Tom: I know Maury, she's been with everyone on the block, it took my new lady for me to see the mistakes I made with this one.

Bridget: Look at that baby Tom, he's never cried a day in his life, and he's only ever made one unsolid bowl movement, who else's kid is that Tom? He's yours!!

Tom: Clam it, Clam it woman

Maury: Ok, let's take a question from the audience, how bout you, got a comment or question for these two.?

Audience Member: "Ummm yea this is a question for Bridget, Why you always look sad all the time, thats prolly why Tom done left your droopey eyed lookin self. I LOVE YOU TOM!"

Maury: Please, please the key word here is respect. I am aware there is a third piece of the puzzle, and she's here. She's a knockout and foreign, let's meet Giselle.

Giselle: (Crowd Boos) Shud Up, Shud ya faces, ugly people.

Tom: Give the King some sugar babe (Open mouth kissing commences).

Maury: Now Giselle you were there for most of this, what can you tell us about the relationship.

Giselle: Fadshun is life Moory, and to dink dat all we need is Fadshun. I know Bono.

Maury: And who then do you think is the father of TJ Giselle?

Giselle: Yes, I Gisselle, where bathroom?, yes (with a happy lost in headlights smile)

Maury: Poetic, now I have the results here. Right here. In my right hand. The test results. The Paternity answers everyone is looking for. Right here. In my right hand. I got them. Here we go.

When it comes to 6 month old TJ, Tom, You are...........................................NOT THE FATHER!

Bridget: No (she screams here way backstage while the crowd begins to boo again).

Tom: I told ya, I told all of y'all, Where's my respect, Where's my love. (Slaps Giselle on the ass) Let's bust out babe, I got us two tickets to Paradise.

Giselle: Jew so romantic.

Maury: Well that's our show, I wanna thank all our women who got those needed answers, its a cruel mean world out there, but if you're gonna have a child out of wedlock make sure its with a professional athlete. Until next time America.

- BL

Dance, Dance

2007-02-21T15:53:00.000-05:00

I have always enjoyed the careers of Olympic athletes in the same way that I enjoyed the lives of goldfish won at the county fair. There is a guaranteed ten days of infatuation and cooing until we realize that fish and athletes are both easily replaceable. Usually by the time the fish is in its sewer mausoleum and the gold medalist are doing there last rounds on the Jimmy Kimmel Show I am ready to move on.

Who needs to remember that guy with the big teeth who swims, or the underdeveloped white female gymnast, or the underdeveloped black female gymnast, or even the underdeveloped latin gymnast?

Sadly thanks to ABC and the good people at Dancing with the Stars, the only true athletic reality show (YOU HEAR ME PROs Vs. JOEs), we are being asked to remember one of these former 4 yr stars. The announcement of Apollo Anton Ohno and the rest of the cast has caused a wave of sentimentality over me.

Remember Ohno, he's got that sick Sam Jackson in Jackie Brown facial hair going, which has always been in fashion. He owns gold medals in Short Track, basically speed skating designed by the guys from Jackass or Korean Football, whichever fits the situation. Now he's trying for the Dancing with the Stars title; color me excited. My question is what will it take for us to get some of the other Olympic names from the past? Did Keri Strug just fire her representation? What's keeping these hero's from the spotlight?

Should we handle them like the Real World does? Make 12 gold medalists compete in various challenges sponsored by Chilli's, while drinking, hooking up, and making great TV. Who needs the Miz when you got Bode Miller trying to push Amy Van Dyken into the deep end of the swimming pool.

(Now many of you might ask why I didn't discuss Clyde Drexler's name being on the list, and the main reason is, um, well Clyde is boring. I mean Matt Geiger, Larry Johnson, Shawn Kemp these are the STARS, Clyde is the guy you used to pass the ball to da Dream in old school NBA Jam)

Set the Tivo's for March 19th, its the dawn of a new era, forget the Gold, Silver, and Bronze, the real money and fame are in the rhinestones, tango, and waxing.

- BL

ESPN Asks the Burning Question

2006-11-27T16:50:00.001-05:00

"Patriots place LB Seau on IR; is career finished?"

Wait, is ESPN telling me there is a market for 37 linebackers? Junior mighta had a chance suiting up for the next Longest Yard remake, but I would say the answer to that question is a resounding No.

Paging the San Diego Front Office, Paging the San Diego Front Office, Someone clear the conference room.

(Note the action in the above Photo is not Reverse Cowgirl)

- BL

A Class Act

2006-09-06T15:56:00.000-04:00

Screw Katie, I'm all about the Bob.

- BL

They Just Cant Get Enough

2006-07-31T10:37:00.000-04:00

How many apathetic hispanic players can the Yankee's trade for? Is Rey Ordonez still available? Someone shake Raul Mondesi out of mothball, the Yanks got a roster spot for ya.

- BL

ESP In Your Face

2006-07-20T13:59:00.000-04:00

Keep your reciepts for those ESPN Mobile Phones, the boys at Merill Lynch aren't impressed.

According to this article ESPN could be looking at losses of over $135 Million with barely 30,000 people(Hey that's the same amount of people who watch Around the Horn) signed up for the service.

Basically if ESPN were a puppy, ESPN Mobile would be its testicles, around for now but everyone except them realizes its only a matter of time before they're floating in formaldehyde.

- BL

BREAKING

2006-07-19T10:18:00.000-04:00

This just in, Chad Pennington's labrum still intact.

Stay Tuned...

- BL

Arubian Knight

2006-07-18T10:15:00.000-04:00

Arubian Knight
Like Arubian days
More often than not
Are hotter than hot
In a lot of good ways

Arubian Knights
'Neath Arubian moons
A fool off his guard
Could fall and fall hard
Out there on Sidney Ponsoooooooon

-JG

The 24 Year Old Virgin

2006-07-18T09:51:00.000-04:00

Having attended an "actual" Sports University, (If you haven't seen pictures of Rex Grossman's party face circa 2000, you aren't a real Gator) I am well versed in the benefits of being a star college athlete.

There are the many tutors who always seem to know exactly what is the "important information" needed for exams, there are the choice dorms with names like "lakeside" built specifically for stars, and then there's the white/black/red/drunk women.

You haven't lived until you've seen five Tri-Delts throwing themselves on Udonis Haslem. Matt Walsh (Where are you now?) dated a freaking playmate. SEC might as well be SEX.

Or so I thought.

On Monday's Howard Stern Show, in an interview conducted at the ESPY's Shaun Alexander revealed that he was a virgin until his marriage at the age of 24.

According to the show's rundown for Monday,

In the final clip, the NFL MVP, Shaun Alexander, told Gary he wouldn’t have a problem with a gay athlete in the locker room with him, even though he didn’t think “it was right.” Shaun went on to say he was a virgin until he got married at the age of 24.

Let's digest that for a second. So we're talking about a guy who had to be the biggest star in any room he stepped into from age 17 to the present day, and he never cashed that check?

He's like A.C. Green, but without the piety.

Alexander did go to Alabama, so I guess that can explain some of his motives, but jees it couldn't have been an easy milestone. This achievement, if we can call it that, has really put me on the defensive now. What else is out there? Has Randy Moss never gone #1 standing up? Could Tom Brady have never tasted Dr. Pepper before? Everything is now operative people.

The point is, it's a responsibility of all professional athletes to lead better lives than the rest of us. If Shaun isn't going to bang groupies on the road then he better just take his MVP Trophy and go home.

This just in,

Kobe Bryant has never experienced the back door; CORRECTION never experienced willingly.

UPDATE: We got a pic of what he waited 24 yrs for.....I still say he's waz robbed.

- BL

I'm Corbin Mother-F'N Bernsen!!!

2006-07-17T15:15:00.000-04:00

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow........

Are we a blog?

No blogs update regularly.

Are we a magazine?

No, but Celebs are just like us all.

Are we relevant?

Pass.

Are we Dunzo?

Never.

And we return with Taylor Bunts news concerning our own Major League star Corbin Bernsen (the great Roger Dorn). If you don't know who Corbin is, let's just get a little perspective.

As one of the star of LA Law, Bernsen was one of the bigger TV Stars of the 80's along, but with his tragic hair line and scary tan, his rising star soon lost its luster. The past ten years Corbin inhabited the land of late night Cinemax while routinely beating women on Lifetime.

Well he has now gone full circle returning to General Hospital ,the show kicked off his career. How far has he fallen you say? Well when the movie Call Me: The Life and Fall of Heidi Fleiss is on your resume only Scat films are left, so we say Hu-Rah to our boy Corbin.

Tom Berenger is still a star for middle-aged women, Dennis Haysbert is the President and your Allstate broker, and Rene Russo showed here tatas often so good that the Velvet hand has thrown Corbin a bone.

Now when are those asian groundskeepers gonna get a break???

- BL

Boom

2006-05-11T16:06:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so we're slacking a bit.....But would people who slack just post an old video already seen by thousands just to take up blog space??

Um, yeah.

- BL

Brothers?

2006-05-10T12:35:00.000-04:00

American Idol's Taylor Hicks and ESPNs Pedro Gomez (he's the tiny picture)
-JG

Soul to Squeeze

2006-05-03T10:48:00.000-04:00

In a lucky chain of events, New York Yankee pool photographers catch the last remaining drops of Arod's soul trying to escape their highlighted prison.

Well April is behind us and as is the normal case, its time to look at what last years AL MVP is doing right now. Let's go to the Videotape.

Here are Arod's #'s so far.
23 Runs 5 Homeruns and 16 RBI with a .261 BA.

Not bad out of context, but let's put him up against the rest of the league.

When it comes to Homeruns Arod sits behind other illustrious 3rd basemen such as Troy Glaus (8 HRs), Morgan Ensberg (9 HRs), Eric Chavez (10 HRs), and even the famous slugger and former Mets favorite Ty Wigginton has more than Arod (8 HRs)

Ok ok, maybe HRs are a bit tilted against Arod, let's look at RBIs. Some names in front of Alex right now are Edwin Encarnación (25 RBI), or Garrett Atkins (18 RBI) or Texas's own Hank Blalock (19 RBI).

Alot has been made of the Yankees offense not being able to manufacture runs, well look no further than the 2005 AL MVP for the causation. Jees and to think we almost gave the MVP to David Ortiz.

All that DH is doing is lead the AL in HRs (11 HRs). Seems like once again hindsight is 20/20.

Or in Arod's case about 20 mil a year.

- BL

Three Words No Fantasy Owner Wants to Hear

2006-04-26T10:00:00.000-04:00

Acute Terminal Ileitis.

So you finally drafted your fantasy team. After pouring over numerous magazines, computer print outs, debating about whether WHIP or K/9 is a better indication of a pitcher's rate of success, following every word out of Peter Gammons's mouth, and blindly picking Kevin Millwood you would think your work is over. But no.....

Your first baseman, Todd Helton, goes on the DL with a problem that sounds like it was lifted right out of a promo for House (Tonight on House, a problem so big, and so difficult, we had to use 3 words for it. Tonight its House's biggest challenge yet, "Bring me the kid", "House what are you doing, you're gonna kill him!", it's like nothing you've ever seen before, "Acute no longer", House, Fox Tuesdays.)

There are no manuals to consult when the words Acute Terminal Ileitis are used. After we did our expose on the lies of the Sports Hernia, we had no choice but to lift the veil off ileitis. So as a public service to all those Todd Helton owners here are 3 different outcomes to this illness.

Scenario #1. Helton's Ileitis is caused by an irritation possibly caused by food, and will be back in 2-4 weeks with no long term problems.

Scenario #2. Helton's Ileitis is a precursor to Crohn's Disease, an inflammatory bowel disease that could take months to get under control, leaving this season up in the air for Helton.

Scenario #3. Helton's Ileitis is part of a larger intestinal problem that could result in surgery to remove the effected area of his intestine. This surgery would result in not only the end of Helton's season, but maybe his career as well.

Now before people start freaking out and trading Helton for Julio Franco and a player to be named later, just remember these are all just plausible scenarios that have been vetted by a medical expert.

We in the fantasy baseball community have lived through some trying times; the Ken Griffey Jr. Cincy years, watching Bond's knee slowly turn into pixie dust, drafting Adrian Beltre, or watching Dusty Baker manage a pitching staff. These things we can all prepare for, but when it comes to Helton and his Acute Terminal Ileitis, only House could really know for sure.

"Dammit, I have Helton in 2 league's and there is no way I am going to lose him."

- BL

Gettin Mishiggy Wit It

2006-04-21T10:42:00.000-04:00

For all of the concerned TBunts fans, we haven't given up, but when Big Willie Style calls and invites you to the Holy Land there is no saying no.

What's interesting is that there is the same amount of excitement for the NBA playoffs in Israel as there is in the good old USA.

The NBA, its like the NHL but without all that ice.

- BL

Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny

2006-04-11T13:45:00.000-04:00

One Two, Freddie's coming for you

Three Four, better lock that door

Five Six, Bob Sheppard bruised his hips

Seven Eight, Opening Day is GREAT!!!!

I mean, really, what's better than opening day at The Stadium. The air is cleaner. The dirty water dogs are succulent. Ice cream filled John Olerud caps sprinkled throughout the place. Seriously, what's not to love. And the WANG, well, the WANG is superb.

-JG

Law & Order : Raleigh-Durham

2006-04-11T09:54:00.000-04:00

WWJBD? What would Jerry Briscoe Do? That is the main question to ask after exonerating evidence in the Duke Lacrosse Rape scandal has come to light. See this whole scandal played out just like an episode of everyone's favorite procedural drama.

It started like every Law and Order, a crime with a mountain of evidence pointing at one suspect. We have all seen this before, Briscoe woulda walked in to that house full of blood, lacrosse sticks, and panties, bent over examining the evidence and quip "I wouldn't want to be in net for this game"

Cue Music, Dum DUM, Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum.

I mean look at some of the evidence, my favorite being the email sent by Ryan McFadyen in which he boasts to his friends that he is going to "to have some strippers over" and then "killing the bitches". This is classic Law and Order stuff.

To people over the age of 40 a college student telling people he was going to kill a stripper seems to be a pathological nightmare, but to anyone who has spent time in a lockerroom in the past decade just had to laugh. See McFadyen was being Shakespearean, "To Kill" means to have sex with as in "To Kill some Poo-Poo" or "Jessica Alba is so hot I could kill her".

Then after what would be 40 minutes in Law and Order time we find out that actually there is little to no evidence pointing at Duke in the incident. They got us again. Who could it have been? Duke's coniving older mother? Someone who hated Duke so much to frame them?

If this was really L&O we would have the UNC Tarheel burst into court screaming "Yeah I did it, I hated them so much that flames, on the side of my face, heaving, breathless flames."

You know what on second thought with all the bodily fluids involved in this case, let's call the guys at CSI.

- BL

Deep Thoughts by...

2006-03-31T11:47:00.000-05:00

So, I was watching the McDonald's All American Game for a couple of minutes the other night. Jay Williams was commentating. And they kept asking him what advice he gave to the younger guys. I was totally waiting for him to say "Stay Away From Motorcycles" - It never came.

-JG

We've Only Just Begun

2006-03-30T17:20:00.000-05:00

Seriously Barry, if you just keep your head low, this whole Steroid thing, well it will just fly right on by.

Then again, maybe not.

- BL

Today, I Consider Myself...

2006-03-28T14:27:00.000-05:00

For those who missed the Gauntlet 2 finale and/or the Gauntlet 2 Reunion Show - you missed a tragic turn of events. Last night, Mark Long (just looked up his last name, I didn't know it by heart, please believe me) announced his retirement from the network.

In a touching moment, he passed along his red bandana to Derek. "The first Road Rules to the last Road Rules." It easily qualifies for the top five most inspirational MTV moments of ALL TIME.

Top Five (in no particular order):
-The Brad/Abram Inferno battle.
-Danny getting his eye bone inverted.
-Mark's retirement.
-Trischelle being Trischelle.
-The Miz calling me immature (true story, happened in November).

Anyway, Mark apparently turned 58 on his last birthday, so we're not too bummed about it.

-JG

Unit's Love Child

2006-03-28T13:49:00.000-05:00

Randy Johnson has a Love Child.

Randy Johnson's Love Child is a "striking, tall and athletic-looking teen."

Randy Johnson's suing for 100K in child support and what not. Makes sense, he's only pulling down 16 mill this season. Wouldn't want him to start shopping at Gristedes instead of Whole Foods, would we?

But here at the TBunts lab, we think that the real reason for all this drama, is that the Love Child wanted Ciara and a Range Rover for her Super Sweet Sixteen and Randy only got Ashanti and a Ford Tempo.

Seriously folks, Randy Johnson has a Love Child.

-JG

New York's Real Subway

2006-03-23T09:53:00.000-05:00

WARNING: The Following Post Contains Explicit East Coast Bias. Reader's Discretion is Advised.

When most people come for the New York experience they make sure to hit on all of the touchstones. Why there's Times Square, Central Park, Rockefeller Center, The Statue of Liberty, or even the World Trade Center Site (The best place to buy all of your tasteless New York souvenirs, look Ma I got a ski cap that say NYC on it right where the towers fell!!).

But see one can never really get all the benefits of living in New York in a short trip. Like for instance last week I got to watch a man rant about socialism on the uptown A train while he openly tried to fondle himself. Good Stuff.

The great thing now though about living in New York is the new Subway ads featuring both Joe Torre and Willie Randolph. Who cares exactly what they're selling (something like a lime chicken hybrid), its all about the flawless acting of both Torre and Randolph. They both make you believe that eating Subway while being worth around forty million is possible.

In the spirit of Joe and Willie and the classic Deli tradition of naming food after celebrities, we here at Taylor Bunts would like to offer our own take on Sports Sandwiches.

The Curt Schilling
A Tongue Sandwich on a French Baguette with red onions

The Tiger Woods
Sliced White and Dark Meat Turkey on Rye with Wasabe Mayo Marinated Swedish Meatballs.

The Stephon Marbury
2 Huge Pieces of Bread, 2 Pieces of Tomato, No Meat

The Barry Bonds
Enriched Pork, Fried in the Cream, with a Flaxseed Dipping Sauce

The Terrell Owens
A Foot served with a side of our famous Rosenhaus Smashed potatoes.

The Manny "Being Manny" Ramirez
Manny wants Salami, no make that Roast Beef, no he wants Turkey, wait he's changed his mind again, he wants Salami.

The Peyton Manning
Sour Grapes and assorted jagged Fish Bones on 8 grain wheat.

The Jim Nantz
Anything you want, but will be served with stale ingredients.

The Ricky Williams
Stoned Wheat Crackers, Funions and a Jamba Juice with a Vita Boost

So next time your in New York avoid going to Macy's and make a stop off at everyone favorite lunch stop, Subway.

- BL

Everyone Loves Rice

2006-03-21T09:52:00.000-05:00

Today we are going to try to get into the mind of someone else.

Imagine you are working in a high pressure job, one full of risk with little reward. Sure you get to fly around the world, but recently people have really been nasty to you. I mean you can't even buy shoes without a heckler or two.

Your boss is a nice guy, but never seems to really be with it. Gosh your tired. People can't even say the word Iraq around you without the whole room standing still.

But good news, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your dream job is now open, a liferaft away from the lamest of ducks.

Now can you get this job still? I mean you haven't been tearing it up recently; where has your once golden shine now gone? Are you Tagliabue enough to get the job done?

Run Condi run, chances like this don't come up that often. Who needs to shake hands with Tony Blair when you can shake with Reggie Bush. I got a feeling most people in America would welcome this change.

Now if only we could get Bud Selig to retire. I got a former Rangers Owner in mind, who I think is about ready for the easy life.

- BL

IGOR bats again!!!

2006-03-20T16:52:00.000-05:00

Yes, by now we all know that the Saux shipped "Don't Call Me Brandon" Arroyo to the Reds for Willy Mo Pena. Yes, even some Yankees fans are a little uncomfortable with that (THIS GUY). Heck, we even know that the Sox got Arroyo to take a home team discount of $11.25 mill over 3 years (well played Theo). But that's not the big news in Boston.

The Super Big News:
Juan Gone signs with the BoSox. That's right folks, Igor has been brought back. And honestly, I hope his name never surfaces in these silly little steroid rumors...

You're better than that, Igor.

-JG