Cold Coffee and Facials

Crab Allergies Be Damned

2009-06-19T11:24:00.004-04:00

I am allergic to shellfish, which makes living along the coast of South Carolina quite troublesome. When I first moved here, I was constantly eating dips made with crabs, shrimp and oysters. Only after my throat would swell did I realize I had once again fallen prey to the booby-trapped appeteasers. These days I steer clear from all food prepared by someone other than myself or Moe's Crosstown. However, I recently tried a Carolina Crab Cake that came shipped - ready to heat and eat - to a friend in a lovely, hand-prepared package. After smelling the cakes on the skillet, I decided to buy an Epi-Pen and indulge. It was worth it (and would have been worth it still had the price been even remotely high).

The cakes are prepared by hand, so you don't have to go out and buy a chicken neck, string and a net - and make small talk with shiftless people parked alongside lowcountry bridges. You don't have to murder or clean the crabs either. Everything is done for you. And they're seasoned to perfection. I have been eating them nonstop - and shooting myself with an Epi-Pen after each meal.

Try some today - or buy some for Father's Day. You won't regret it - even if you are allergic.

Kards Have Vanished!

2009-06-19T11:20:00.003-04:00

As you surely have noticed, my greeting cards are no longer available online. Basically, my ordering process was extremely fugged up, so I am in the process of revamping the site. Until then, it'll just be bligs and blogs and such. In other words, nothingness for quite some time. Please do check in often and eagerly.

- Mgmt

Dear Wachovia

2009-04-28T15:48:00.000-04:00

It's no surprise the first option to choose among your 'send us a comment' topics is "fees/charges." It says a lot about the way Wachovia does business. I will rejoice when Wachovia is forced to close its doors like so many other banks in our country. I will never, ever forget the way you marginalize your customers.

Thanks for raping me at every turn.

- K

Retarded Old People

2009-04-16T18:55:00.003-04:00

Yes, your grandfather was retarded. Just take a look at this from The New York Times:

Another indication of malleability is that I.Q. has risen sharply over time. Indeed, the average I.Q. of a person in 1917 would amount to only 73 on today’s I.Q. test. Half the population of 1917 would be considered mentally retarded by today’s measurements, Professor Nisbett says.

That's quite possibly the funniest thing I've heard all year. And I'm including Adam's version of "Ring of Fire" on American Idol.

Read the story here.

Broken News

2009-04-07T09:40:00.003-04:00

While trying not to have a boring life, Vince (the Shamwow and Slapchop guy), beat the hell out of a stripper. You can read the actual story here. It was rumored that Vince promised the stripper she would love his nuts, but he came up a bit short on his promise so she bit his tongue to prevent any more false advertising on his part. Look, I'm not Angela Lansbury or the albino from CSI Miami or anything, but I smell a conspiracy. Where was Billy Mays when all of this went down? It's simple: if Vince's silver tongue is removed, Billy can once again stand atop the infomercial spokesperson mountain. Vince was not only encroaching, he was wowing. He was the Len Bias of infomercial spokespeople. Let's just hope this wunderkind a resurrection. I'm sure Billy is somewhere leaning back in his spotless, shiny leather chair, comfortable once again with his monopoly, but if I were on this case, I'd double check that alibi. And then check it again. Life is hard enough as it is without having to worry about a competitor paying a prostitute to bite off your livelihood.

By the way, the rest of the thrilling story of Bill (no relation to Mays) and the blogging murder will continue shortly. This Vince drama just had to get out there.

Blog Manager Murdered - Maybe

2009-04-02T09:32:00.012-04:00

I hired a guy named Bill to write my blog while I was away in outer space on a very secret mission. I also had him feed my goldfish. Well, I returned yesterday to find that not one entry was posted on my site while I was away. Also, my goldfish was whitened with death, eyes bulged, fins missing, snagged in pebbles. Enraged, I called Bill to arrange a meeting to discuss, gently, his shirking of his duties (and, I planned to argue, the willful destruction of my business). Surprisingly, he didn't screen my call. Bill went something like this:

Talk at me! No, still using it. It's coming back . . . Oh, how was outer space? I did. I did. It was a huge success. Lots of comments. No. No. Really? Really? Well, I have been busy lately, but I distinctly remember writing fascinating blogs for the site. Really? Not one? Not even the one about Dancing With the Stars? Hmm. Strange. Right. Well, listen . . . okay. Sure, sure. How about the Cracker Barrel on 26? No, I hate Outback. Great. See you then. Oh, will you be able to pay me for the last week? Right.

I pulled into the asphalt landing strip outside Cracker Barrel at 5:30pm on Tuesday, March 31st. Yes, this past Tuesday. Two days ago. Despite the 7:1 asphalt-to-dining room ratio, there was nowhere to park. I drove through a maze of curbs and ended up in what was likely a Checker's parking lot. It was ambiguous enough, though, so I didn't hesitate. And, anyway, who the fuck cares? I'm here to meet this fish slayer, this Brutus of a guy, confront his betrayal, and try to salvage what's left of my business. So fuck Checker's. And all the goddamn crape myrtles, tied to stakes, surrounding my car.

Ever since he could drive, Bill drove what most would call a jalopy. Chevrolet preferred to call it a 1982 Citation. It was the kind of car, if your parents were driving it, you would definitely get out of three blocks or more from school. "No, this is okay. I can walk from here." It would make an umbrella-less dash in the rain seem like a stroll, full of pride even. Plainly, Bill's '82 Citation sucked. And it was loud. It announced its suckiness long before you could see just how badly it sucked. He was like the ice cream man, except his tune was mostly metal on metal and a wavering whine, and you felt compelled to run to his window with money in hand, not for a Cherry Screwball, but to offer it to Bill so that he might be able to fix his so-called car. As a joke, people often did. He would chuckle at the comedy, take the dollar or quarter, and then keep chuckling while he pocketed the money. He never put it toward his Citation.

Cracker Barrel was more crowded inside than out. Still, there were no free rocking chairs on the porch; they either had fat spilling out between the slats or a vanload of kids clinging to them as if the chairs had never been turned into chairs at all. All of this meant I would have to wait. Bill was always late. Why I showed up when I said I would escaped me. I should have waited until 6. It was a forgone conclusion; I would wait if I arrived at the time we agreed. Call it eagerness. Or anger. Or stupidity.

I can never leave just one peg. I always have two left on the triangle. I probably played that game fourteen times before Bill showed up. I will note, though, that Cracker Barrel, of all the roadside eateries to be stuck, is probably the greatest. Not for the triangle game, but for the people watching. Sure, the old folks on the porch were grossly fat and defying death every day, and the kids were obnoxious, but the shuffling in and out of middle class America, the herds of cattle eating casseroles? It's real, so real. It's like you immediately begin understanding what Dave Ramsey is all about. And maybe Fox News isn't that bad, after all. And, damn, all I want to do is dig up my glove and throw the ball back and forth with some other ex-tee-baller with a cap and glove. Hey, come to think of it, I do like WEZL. And, yes, I will stuff some change in that fireman's boot. Where are you Lee Greenwood? Ah, yes, everywhere. You are everywhere. Just like God.

I will also note that Cracker Barrel is aptly named; it's a white man's haven. But I digress, as I often do when I'm pointing fingers. Bill did show up, though I didn't hear him coming, which would soon become yet another source of contention between the two of us.

Online Ordering Is All F'd Up

2009-04-02T09:27:00.003-04:00

If you've ordered cards from me in the past few months, you probably got screwed. Even before you received my spirit-crushing cards. If you have not received them, you will soon. There has been - and continues to be - a glitch in my online ordering system. You have not been charged yet, though, which is probably the only bright spot here. I need to figure out a new system - and new website.

Cancer Cured. Again.

2009-02-12T16:13:00.003-05:00

It's the Vermont Teddy Bear. It's that magical. What the fuck? Have you seen the commercials? If not, this is what happens: A 30-something lovely, who looks like she's met the business end of Peter North a few dozen times, is in an office from the 90s, typing away at her computer, when a package is delivered to her desk. All of the other strippers in the office come over to her desk as she opens the greatest gift in the world: a teddy bear. They swoon, they talk about how big it is, how cute it is, how the guy who sent it is going to be paid back in spades later that night, if you know what I mean. Yep. All it takes to disrobe a whore is a stuffed animal. Really? I thought it took cocaine and the ability to make it rain. I'd get it if these girls were 8. But they're 28 or 38. What are they going to do with a teddy bear? Oh, that's right. Hug it after their boyfriends beat them. The best part of the commercial, though, is the response you get from the group of way-cool guys in the office. Basically, their little heads, eavesdropping, bob up and down from behind one of the walls of a cubicle. It's like a bit from Hee-Haw, but instead of tobacco and cornstalks, there's Red Bull and file cabinets. And, oh, those douchebags get the message: if you want to get laid, you better send that bitch a Vermont Teddy Bear. Why Vermont? Because everyone knows the most lovable Teddy Bears come from Vermont. Look, I get the tactic. A bunch of guys out there don't know what to get their laydays for Valentine's Day, so you play to their ignorance, almost warning if they don't send a teddy bear their relationship is ruined. You can even have the Vermont Teddy Bear personalized. But is there really a need? It already says, "I'm a complete douche." Anyway, the commercial makes it seem like you went to Jared or something, and I'm just not buying it. Does he have brothers? Hahahahahahahaha.

Oh My God! We Did It!

2009-01-28T09:51:00.002-05:00

My site is functioning. This is a great day for America and, particularly, African Americans. Now when someone says to you, "You'll never get your site back up. You can't get your site back up." Well, sir, you can look that person in the eye and tell him, "Yes I can."

I'll catch me up on my doings shortly after class ends today.

Big Green Apple

2008-11-07T00:32:00.002-05:00

Because carrots do not work, but sticks do: Every penny counts.

Every city should pass this legislation. I've been trying to figure out the genius idea that will re-purpose plastic bags so I can retire already. Dog doodoo-bags might be it. I don't know. Maybe there isn't one. Until someone figures it out, New York has a good idea.

Yeah, But

2008-10-30T11:16:00.003-04:00

Interesting post on my comment section, alter-ego. But what would the difference be if instead of beer the thing they were buying were oxygen? And why did the rich guy buying all that beer for everyone not run away in the 90s? And isn't the point, anyway, that we're all selfish and just want what's best for us as individuals? And if, by chance, the side-effects of helping me happen to help you, well, then, all the better. It seems like you're supporting a flat tax. That surely isn't fair. Look, I understand none of it is fair, but don't we need to ask, "What is least unfair?" And then, "What will ultimately help our country the most?" I'm just concerned we're slipping closer to those South American countries where 2% of the population holds 98% of the wealth. They may be great places to visit, but I don't think they're great places to live - at least they weren't in the 80s and 90s. Anyway, for me, it's about more than taxes. It's about education, the environment, alternative energy and personal liberties. I do not want to see a bunch of off-shore drilling - for the same reason I'm not too thrilled to see gas prices fall. Christ, aren't we just delaying the inevitable? Fuck quick fixes. The only way to quicken a real fix is to continue to have a situation that most Americans can't stand: namely, high oil prices. It's bad enough that we're borrowing money from the Far East and sending it to the Middle East, but we're ass-raping the environment.

I also do not want to see Polar Bears disappear. I also do not want to see Roe v. Wade overturned. I also do not want to see school vouchers become our answer for a failing public education system. You know, it's funny how education has taken a backseat to EVERYTHING this election. We've spent more time trying to figure out if Palin bought her pantsuits at Sax or at Neimans. Anyway, there are a lot of reasons Keller's Kards is officially endorsing Obama. OMG! Someone book me a seat on Meet the Press. For real, though, I am voting for Obama for many reasons, and I am not voting for McCain for just as many. So you could say I'm both voting for change and out of spite.

Palin is a fucking joke. Joe the Plumber is a fucking moron. And McCain had to make so many concessions to the GOP to secure the nomination that he's now a spooky, shaky shadow of his former self. And it's pathetic. Sad and pathetic. The good news, though, is it won't be too difficult to convince McCain that he's won, even if he has lost. The man is growing more senile by the day. Those closest to him could probably send him to a retirement home, a white one, of course, and tell him he's President. He can meet with foreign leaders in the cafeteria, like Sal from Hoboken. And he can give Rose Garden speeches to other residents' visitors while in a rocking chair on the front porch. They can even give him a red phone. It'll go directly to the nurses' station whenever he picks it up. They can play MASH DVDs on his TV and tell him it's a live feed from Afghanistan. USA! USA! USA!

Whatever. Go out and vote tomorrow.

Joe The Dumbass

2008-10-23T00:41:00.002-04:00

Oh, Joe. Not only do you not pay fines in Arizona, nor have a business license, but you apparently do not have a clue. Taxes, by their very nature, spread the wealth. They always have and always will - unless we have some sort of flat tax, which no legitimate candidate has ever suggested. About eight years ago, Steve Forbes thought it was a good idea. But no one thought it was a good idea to vote for him. Anyway, if by some miracle - or nightmare - McCain and Palin take office, the taxes we pay under them will be redistributed. Or I guess they could just put all that money under a mattress. Guess whose mattress it won't be under, Joe? Yours. Then again, maybe things will trickle down to you and your business. You know, those empty lots on the outskirts of town might one day be home to six-bedroom Colonials with seven bathrooms that all need a good snaking. And that's when your phone might ring. And that's when you might meet the folks who would really benefit from permanent Bush tax cuts. They might even call you by name. But make sure you wear those little bootie things; they hate it when the help gets dirt on their Persians. Look, Joe, if it's about money, read the tax plans of each candidate. If it's about voting for a POW and someone who believes life starts at conception, push that GOP button. That's fine. If that's what you believe in, I'm not going to convince you that what I believe is somehow better. Those issues are mostly philosophical - mostly. The tax issue, on the other hand, is factual. There are numbers you could compare. Numbers, Joe. Numbers you cannot dispute. That's the beauty in numbers. Those other things, like abortion and building fences around our borders, are not so black and white. Argue about those things. If you vote for McCain and Palin on those issues, I will understand. If you vote for them thinking your closet will one day house a $150,000 wardrobe, I only hope you're pro-abortion. Because, my friend, we don't need any more retards on our streets.

Mavericky

2008-10-15T00:06:00.002-04:00

We all know by now that the word "maverick" comes from a Texas dude who refused to brand his cattle. He apparently later abandoned them, and some say, and by "some" I mean Wikipedia, he wasn't interested in cattle; he paid it little attention, and that's why he didn't brand his herd. Regardless, these days it's synonymous with independent thinkers and actors, nonconformists, if you will. Well, up until McCain and Palin bogarted and bastardized it. What strikes me as funny, though, through all of this is the relationship between Trooper Gate and their favorite adjective. It's now known that Palin did abuse her powers in attempting to have fired her former brother-in-law. Not illegal, mind you, but somewhat unethical. I still don't quite understand that part of it, but that's neither here nor there. What is important is the McCain camp's statement, which went something like this, according to The NY Times:

"A pre-emptive report on the investigation by the McCain-Palin campaign, released late Thursday, said that beginning in October 2007, the governor and members of her administration repeatedly clashed with Mr. Monegan over budgetary issues and the direction of his agency.

After months of "repeatedly ignoring the governor's budget priorities, making public statements that directly challenged the governor's policy agenda and taking numerous unilateral actions in conflict with the governor in support of his own policy agenda . . ."

They went on to say the removal of Monegan (who refused to fire Wooten) was justified given Wooten's (the brother-in-law's) "rogue behavior" while a state trooper.

Hmm. Sounds like Alaska is filled with mavericks. I just find it funny that the McCain-Palin camp basically refers to these two guys as mavericks. And somehow the two guys should be reprimanded for it. I bet they wrote the word "maverick" initially in their press statement - partly because they're accustomed to typing it over and over again and partly because it's appropriate - only to quickly cut and paste it into their online thesaurus.

And, by the way, I am having a complete lapse, will someone please tell me the word for "public criticism." It's a great word. I have forgotten it.

Also, my running back picks were awful last week. I guess I was trying too hard to be a maverick. Goes to show it doesn't pay. But how about them wideout picks? Let's focus on that, my friends.

Last-Minute Fantastic Fantasy Thoughts

2008-10-12T10:17:00.003-04:00

If you drafted Kitna, you're probably looking back on draft day every time you set your lineup thinking to yourself, "Man, I was so close to drafting Cutler instead. If only I had shotgunned one more beer and forgotten my infallible draft strategy for one round - just one round. I was that close. Now my season is over." Hopefully, you have a solid backup - like not David Garrard. Or Derek Anderson! Ugh. Who'd of thunk it? No one. That's what you need to remind yourself. No one thought Derek Anderson was going to suck so much ass that a shaky QB from Notre Dame's blue period would have a good chance to replace the dude midseason. No one thought The Lions would struggle to put up points. N one thought LT would play like a third-round running back and Lawrence Maroney would play like a ground-round running back. That won't save your season, but at least it will bring you back next year. Don't hate the game, playa.

Start 'Em:

Eli Manning - 278yds, 3TDs - I like him more than I like Jason Campbell who everyone seems to looooooove this week. Dude, Clinton Portis will get a heavy workload in that game. Sure, I'd start Campbell over a lot of QBs, but not Manning this week. I would start him over McNabb, by the way. Anyway, Eli should have a solid game against a less-than-solid Browns team.

Gus Ferotte - 253yds, 2TDs - Great bye-week replacement. The Lions blow and Gus will air it out a couple of times. And then give it to Peterson to kill the clock.

Jeff Garcia - 211yds, 2TDs, 2INTs - Not a bad replacement this week - if he starts and isn't pulled. The Panthers have a great D, but Garcia will get a score or two. You could start worse. And you can probably pick the dude up and drop your backup DST for a week. Or something.

Fred Taylor - 92yds, TD - He gets the bulk of carries for Jacksonville - and Denver does not have a good D. Should have a decent game for someone likely on your bench.

Felix Jones - 77yds, 2TDs - I'm thinking he gets two scores against Arizona. They need to give him the ball - and they probably will. At least one of those TDs will upset a few Barber owners. That game should be high-scoring. Very high.

Stewart/Williams - 124yds, 2TDs - It's a crap shoot. No one thinks they will run well against Tampa Bay, but they've run well pretty much all year. I'd start either one without much hesitation - unless you've got Peterson and Portis on your bench. Both Carolina backs should have a decent game. Not great, but decent.

Justin Fargas - 91yds, TD - If he plays, he's a good start. Especially if McFadden does not play - he likely won't. Check the game-time decisions.

Julius Jones - 102yds, TD - Green Bay will likely crowd the line because Matt is out (probably). Still, Green Bay doesn't do much against the run, and Seattle has little else. He's not a bad play today.

Larry Fitzgerald - 86yds, 2TDs - Should explode with Boldin out again.

Steve Breaston - 109yds, TD - Should also explode with Boldin out.

Isaac Bruce - 87yds, TD - Still not dead yet.

Marvin Harrison - 63yds, TD - I still believe in him. For some weird reason. And Gonzalez might be out.

Reggie Bush - 68yds Rushing, 72yds Receiving, TD - Too bad you can't get those special-teams yards and scores. Still, he's a must-start every week even with Deuce back. Especially if you're getting a point for every reception.

Miles Austin - 73yds, TD - Less risky than New Orleans WRs - and this should be a high-scoring affair. I'd play him over Crayton any week of the year.

Owen Daniels - 69yds, TD - He's a reliable TE pretty much every week. Unless you have Witten or Cooley, I'd start him.

Hank Baskett - 589yds, 7TDS - Give that Baskett the Biscuit!

Packers DST - If they're facing a backup QB, put them in your lineup. Otherwise, just go ahead and start The Vikings, Redskins or Giants. I bet The Bears don't explode like everyone is thinking. I'd also start The Panthers this week. They'll be scored on a couple of times, but they'll also force a couple of turnovers and record a few sacks.

Shart 'Em:

Every player for The Lions - Kitna is out. The backup is injured. The Vikings have a decent defense. Sure, they'll be down all game and be forced to throw, but only Roy Williams was ever really targeted when this backup saw playing time last week.

Marques Colston - They say he might play, but it looks as though he'll only be used in certain formats. That means he's a risky start. Still, I'd start him over someone like Amani Toomer.

Robert Meachem - Just get rid of him. You're basically hoping for one or two long throws his way every week. That's a high-risk start. And depends on more luck than most other starts in fantasy. Not to mention, he dropped a ball or two last week and Colston will see some action this week. Brees spreads that ball way too thin.

Todd Heap - You can go ahead take a dump in your hand and rub it all over your scoreboard if you're starting this dude.

Ravens DST - I'm worried about this start. Peyton can't be this bad. Not to mention, The Ravens have had their greatest success against shitty teams. The Colts are not that shitty.

Other Thoughts:

Pick up Tony Gonzalez. Or hold onto him. He might be traded, which could help your team come playoff time (after he's adjusted to a new offense). Steve Slaton has turned into a reliable starter. Ryan Grant is worth a start this week. He gets no credit, but he ain't bad.

The Way You Coach is Frightening

2008-10-10T11:07:00.003-04:00

Tammy, Tammy, Tammy. The greatest thing you ever gave Clemson may just turn out to be that loss last night. After all, it might just cement your exit. I'd call it an early exit, but it's late. Not by your contract's language, but by reality as I see it. It's the same story. Every. Year. And playing in the ACC gives you few excuses. This isn't the SEC. It would have been a big win last night and you were facing the Demon Deacons - a traditional football powerhouse. A juggernaut on the gridiron. I'd understand if the Tigers lost to Wake in basketball or in a debate or in a science fair. But football? That's about the only thing the tiny town of Clemson has to offer. Sure, it's a good school with great baseball and soccer programs, but football is its identity. And since you've taken the reins, Tammy, it's been one identity crisis after the next. I'm not saying you're a bad coach, I'm only saying you're not good enough. You're not good enough for that multimillion dollar contract and you're not good enough to win the pathetic ACC. Too bad no one is left on your schedule to prove the naysayers wrong. There's not a top-ten team there for you to miraculously "upset," thereby salvaging the season and saving your job in the process. My friends, if you're truly a Tigers fan, you'll be rooting for a couple more losses. It's in your best interest, my friends.

Trig Didn't Fall Far From the Tree

2008-10-09T14:20:00.003-04:00

From The NY Times:

I only wish she had been asked: "Governor Palin, if paying taxes is not considered patriotic in your neighborhood, who is going to pay for the body armor that will protect your son in Iraq? Who is going to pay for the bailout you endorsed? If it isn't from tax revenues, there are only two ways to pay for those big projects - printing more money or borrowing more money. Do you think borrowing money from China is more patriotic than raising it in taxes from Americans?" That is not putting America first. That is selling America first.

Read it here.

My Friends

2008-10-07T22:28:00.003-04:00

My friends, Sen. McCain did not look as though he'd make it through the debate. The heavy breathing, the stammering, the Men's Wearhouse suit. It all rendered him rather elderly - and in stark contrast to the svelte Obama. Or O'Bama, as Bill Maher would like us to start referring to him as. He's Irish, after all. Not black at all. So there, you racists. You can now vote for him without conflict.

Also Ran

2008-10-03T10:07:00.007-04:00

Palin said a lot of words last night. Mostly "also." I lost count at 96. Afterward, many pundits were saying she was readying herself for a 2012 bid for the Oval Office. Really? Look, I'm all for straight talk, but why is it that we feel the need for Joe Six Pack to run our country? And didn't we just have eight years of that? I guess eight more could be cool. We'd have Rose Garden speeches about football, shotguns and chili dogs. That'd be awesome. And it's just what we need, also. I'm sure the writers of every late-night talk show are, in some way, hoping Palin sticks around. Talk about writing in your sleep.

The only thing more frightening - or disheartening - than Palin as our Vice President is Palin as our President. If she were a man, we'd all be so much harder on her. On her fumbling for words, lack of knowledge, her folksy way of speaking, her contradictory statements. Imagine it. If she were an older man, everyone would have a field day with it. But as it is now, Fox News is chalking up a victory for her simply because she tells it like it is while sounding like an outsider. Whatever that means. I think it means you play with the hand you are dealt. And they're doing just that, even though they've got a pair of twos. Ugh. Here's to Palin-Sixer '12!

An excerpt:

Palin: Patriotic is saying, government, you know, you're not always the solution. In fact, too often you're the problem so, government, lessen the tax burden and on our families and get out of the way and let the private sector and our families grow and thrive and prosper.

Palin (minutes later): There is not. And how long have I been at this, like five weeks? So there hasn't been a whole lot that I've promised, except to do what is right for the American people, put government back on the side of the American people, stop the greed and corruption on Wall Street.

And the rescue plan has got to include that massive oversight that Americans are expecting and deserving.

Nike Still Going Strong

2008-10-01T20:54:00.000-04:00

Er, Wieden+Kennedy.

Politics as Usual

2008-09-30T14:28:00.003-04:00

I believe I pulled this from The Washington Post. It doesn't really matter, though. All that matters is you're not going to get anything remotely truthful out of the candidates these days. And I don't want to sound biased, but the McCain-Palin camp is especially guilty of spewing half-truths.

UnMcBelievable

2008-09-20T00:10:00.006-04:00

From a Times Op-Ed piece:

Look at Carly Fiorina, John McCain's top economic surrogate - if you can find her this week, after the news and her narrative fused in a negative way. Dismissed as head of Hewlett-Packard after the company's stock plunged and nearly 20,000 workers were let go, she was rewarded with $44 million in compensation. Sweet!

Thank God McCain wants to appoint a commission to study the practice that enriched his chief economic adviser. On the campaign trail this week, McCain and Palin pledged to "stop multimillion dollar payouts to C.E.O.'s" of failed companies. Good. Go talk to Fiorina at your next strategy session.

Click here for the whole thing.

Fanstasmic Fridayish

2008-09-19T21:19:00.008-04:00

Yeah, we've all been to CBS Sportsline to read what Mr. Roto or whoever is spewing on and on about. This week it's all about how sweet Julius Jones is and how not sweet the Bengals are. Great. I'll pick Julius Jones up tomorrow. And I'll drop T.J. Houshmanchampionship.

Everyone is lubing up for Matt Cassel already. I say wait it out another week. Sure, he might toss a couple of TDs. In fact, I bet he will, but Bill Parcels won't lose by 21 points. There are more than 8 QBs who are a safer play than Matt Cassel.

Last week, I was right about a fair amount of my predictions. And wrong about a fair amount, too. Ricky Williams? Great game last week. My biggest mistake, though, was banking on Vernon Davis and Jeremey Shockey. What had happened was. Right. Anyway, you can't win them all. And that's why they play the game. It is what it is. Am I right or am I right? So without further Apu, my predictions for the forthcoming week. Again, I am not going to state too many obvious starts. Just a few:

Start 'Em

Quarterbacks . . .

Tony Romo - 311yds, 3TDs, INT - Owens and Witten make him a safe play every week.

Aaron Rodgers - 287yds, 2TDs, INT - McNabb was okay against them. He should be better. By the way, you know Brett has him in his fantasy league and just benches him every week out of spite.

J.T. O'Sullivan - 292yds, 2TD, INT - Is he a quarterback? Check. Playing Detroit at home? Check.

Jon Kitna - 275yds, 3TDS, 2INT - At San Francisco? Playing from behind - again? Sign me up.

Jason Campbell - 262yds, 2TDs, INT - Don't be scared off just yet. This might be his game even though everyone is taking Arizona to The Olive Garden and shit.

Phillip Rivers - 273yds, 3TDs, INT - LaDanian is hurting. Rivers is feeling good.

Matt Hasselbeck - 286yds, 2TD, INT - You can do it, Matt! It's The Lambs.

Tavaris Jackson - 3snickers, 2cokes, 1stripclub, 3INT - Somehow, he'll still manage to throw a few picks.

Other thoughts:

Eli Manning is a better play than Drew Brees. Delhomme might have a better game than McNabb. Trent Edwards isn't a terrible play. I bet he has better stats than Favre.

Running Backs . . .

Marion Barber - 114yds Rushing, 41yds Receiving, 2TDs - Wish I had drafted him.

Frank Gore - 121yds Rushing, 53yds Receiving, TD - He should implode. I mean explode.

Chris Johnson - 108yds, TD - I'm starting him every week until he's injured. Or sucks for three weeks in a row.

Michael Turner - 123yds, TD - He did have a down week last week, which I predicted sorta, but he's got the Chefs this week.

Willis McGahee - 102yds, TD - The Browns? And his QB blows? Hand that man the ball.

Selvin Young - 74yds, TD - Risky play, but worth it against the Saints.

Michael Bush - 84yds, TD - If McFadden is out, add 20 yards to that total.

Joseph Addai - 68yds Rushing, 47yds Receiving, 2TDs - Everyone is saying it won't happen, which is why it will.

Reggie Bush - 68yds Rushing, 76yds Receiving, TD - Like I said, all year long. Until he's hurt. Brees loves that screen pass. And he apparently doesn't love Shockey as much as I had predicted last week. Plus, Denver has solid DBs.

Other thoughts:
Johnathon Stewart will score another TD - even against The Vikings. Jones-Drew will not blow up like everyone thinks he will this week. Still, I'd start him if he ain't injured; he'll score. Every time I think Westbrook will be stopped by a great D, he scores like 9 TDs. I'll give him 2 short runs at home. Kevin Smith is worth a start this week if you've got a flex position open.

Wide Receivers . . .

Calvin Johnson - 102yds, TD - The dude is a beast. He looks like a character I created on Madden and then didn't tell anyone else I created. And then they'd get all pissed when they saw this behemoth line up across from them. But I'd convince them it was just a glitch. And then they'd get really pissed when the graphics would come up after the behemoth scored: "Touchdown Black Anus!"

Wes Welker - 87yds, TD - Matt Cassel should buy (or give) this guy a blowjob or something before the season is over.

Eddie Royal - 93yds, TD - And that's with about 8 receptions.

David Patten - 74yds, TD - Who else besides Bush?

Issac Bruce - 88yds, TD - I thought he was dead. But like my dad said when I told him I was too old for him to be giving me suppositories, "That's what you get for thinking."

Vincent Jackson - 79yds, TD - He should get about 6 catches - he's targeted about as much as Chambers, as far as I can tell.

Greg Jennings - 112yds, TD - Great mid-round pickup thanks to Rodgers.

Hank Baskett - 347yds, 7TDs - WWJD?

Other thoughts:
I still think Marvin has it. I still think Matt Jones uses cocaine. What else can explain his concentration level in catching all them pigskins? I still think Holmes will outplay Ward this year - and I'll keep saying that until week 16, at which point, if my prediction has not been proven correct, I'll just say, "I meant the other way around." Also, I bet Gus airs it out a few times to Berrian to silence the critics. That's not saying he'll catch them, though.

Tight Ends . . .

Jason Witten - 89yds, TD - Balls.

John Carlson - 78yds, TD - Bandwagon? On it.

Todd Heap - 67yds, TD - If not Willis, then Todd. Still, risky considering the QB.

Dallas Clark - 81yds, TD - If he plays, he plays well.

Owen Daniels - 52yds, TD - Whoever the hell is throwing the ball for Houston won't have much time to get rid of it. Enter: TE.

DST . . .

Patriots - My number one DST for the week. Even minus the ST. Wait, I mean number thirty-one. What the fuuug is up with that game?
Panthers - Don't sleep on these guys. New QB. Gimpy RB. Not a bad play. No one else seems to think so.
Titans - Houston? They have a problem.
Bills - Oakland Blackouts.
Colts - Don't be afraid to start them this week. The Jaguars O-Line is MIA.
Ravens - I'm a bit scared here for some reason, even though I don't have much faith in Derek and his entire offense. Still, I say play them.

Kickers . . .

Fist kickers.

Shart 'Em:

Again, these are guys I'd sit, who I might not normally sit, if I have better options. Don't feel bad about sitting them, in other words. Their names ain't gonna get you points.

Derek Anderson - Not a terrible start, but a pretty good shart.

Brett Favre - Gunslinging will cost him a TD or two.

Marc Bulger - Whoooaaa!

Donovan McNabb - Steelers will clamp down on his Chunky-Soup ass.

Steven Jackson - Almost as bad a first-round pick as Tom Brady.

Thomas Jones - I thought about keeping him off this list, but The Chargers are pissed.

Jamal Lewis - If he gets a TD, he gets that TD from the 1.

Lawrence Maroney - I'd sure hate to have Steven Jackson and Lawrence Maroney as my backfield.

Matt Forte - The Bucs gotagoot defense. See: last week.

Torry Holt - Yeah, he had a great catch. A. A. A Great catch.

Steve Smith - He'll score - maybe. But this is not his breakout game. I just don;t see it. I'd give him one week to get up to speed.

Braylon Edwards - See: Steve Smith. The dude is just now getting his shit together. He'll be fine after this week. Still, you have to start him unless you've got Eddie Royal or Roy Williams stashed away.

DeSean Jackson - I bet The Steelers hit him hard. Real hard.

Cowboys DST - Did you watch Monday night?

Other Thoughts:
Clinton Portis is not a top-ten RB this week. The NE-MIA game might be low-scoring. It sucks for Slaton that his first start is against The Titans. Christ, they made a movie about those guys! They must be good.

Dead Men Walking

2008-09-18T12:59:00.005-04:00

I haven't watched the video on CNN - I just don't think I can stand it - but I've read the accompanying story, the one about the pig abuse. I have a hard time reconciling my love for sausage with a story like that. I mean, sausage tastes sooo good. I just don't know if I could give it up entirely. Still, I think there are more humane ways to harvest a little bacon, though many would argue that's oxymoronic. What needs to happen to those men is jail. Like years in prison. They'll get out on parole after 18 months, but the precedent will be set. And the plant? Shut it down. Plain and simple. And Hormel? Some sort of hefty fine. The negative publicity alone won't cost them enough dollars to teach them a lesson in vigilance, humanity and accountability. I urge you to, at the very least, buy your hog from someone other than Hormel. And I also urge you to do your homework. Free range chickens? There is no USDA definition of that. Don't be fooled. They still probably don't have beaks. I'm not saying you should give up meat and dairy products; that's a message that people tune out before you get to the part where you tell them soy milk tastes great and is blah, blah, blah. Exactly. So what you should do, in the real world, is find out from whence your ham hock comes. Buy your eggs from some local hippie you know. And don't fucking beat animals. People who beat animals have small penises and jerk off to Toys-R-Us ads. You know, we had a pig when I was younger. Not one of those fake Vietnamese pigs, a real, big pig. They are smart. They are playful - at least before they get immobile from obesity. And they generally kick ass. And, yes, they go well with eggs. They do not, however, go well with abuse.

Fish Out of Water

2008-09-15T09:17:00.002-04:00

Michael Phelps sank in his hosting duties over at SNL. Then again, no one would have done well with that material. The only thing I took away from the show was that Lorne Michaels misses Tina Fey. Badly. And comedy writers are clearly opting for The Cartoon Network over a chance to write for SNL. Totally snoring.

Southern Calculated

2008-09-13T11:39:00.002-04:00

Sweater Vest is doing his best Tommy Bowden. Let's not play our best player so that when we lose we can argue we would have won if we had our best player in there. And, because of that, we can argue we're still in the BCS hunt. Genius. Or vajjy. Whatever.