Captain Picard's Journal

Borg Cultural Exchange (Part Two)

2009-07-15T17:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

I have just volunteered to spend a few days on a Borg Cube as part of a cultural exchange initiated by the Borg Queen. It will be for a few days.

Jean-Luc looks aghast, and pulls me aside.

"Bev!" he exclams, "You can't go on that trip, it's too dangerous."

"Things will be all right." I reply, "As you said in the meeting, I am there to learn as much as I can. It's only for a few days. The Queen has guaranteed note to assimilate. Besides that, we still have Seven here as insurance.

Jean-Luc looks beaten, and sighs.

"Very well, Bev." he says, "Just be careful in there. You never know what might happen."

----------

A few hours later, the Borg Cube Unimatrix 01 has pulled up at the rendezvous point. I clench Jean-Luc and kiss him.

"See you soon, Bev." he whispers in my ear. At that, I beam out.

----------

I appear in a greenish tinted room. Suddenly, a lot of movement starts taking place..

The Borg Queen gets assembled from the machine in front. When that has occured, she walks over to me.

"So sorry I wasn't here to meet you personally." she says cheerily, "It seemed to take me ages to get ready today. There didn't seem to be anything to wear in my wardrobe. I had to go and terminate a few drones for not getting me fixed on time."

I wear a slightly fractured smile at this mention.

"Still, us girls have got to stick together, haven't we?" she enthuses, "You're Beverly Crusher, aren't you? I remember you from the Enterprise Christmas Party. I'm glad it's you Locutus has sent over. I'm sure we'll get on well."

"Err....I'm sure we will..err...your highness." I reply.

"Your highness?" she laughs, "Only the drones call me that. You can call me Queenie. All my friends do."

Somewhat amazed at this revelation, I do so, and we begin the tour of the Cube.

"This is the Assimilation Chamber." the Queen shows me enthusiastically, "Do you want to take a closer look?"

"Err..no, I'll pass on that, if you don't mind." I answer nervously, as we go on.

The Queen the shows me the decorating that is currently going on within the Cube, how her drone designers One One and One Two are implememting a feng shui design and relaxation areas for the drones to increase morale.

"Jean-Luc wouldn't believe it if I told him." I say to myself.

Suddenly an ear-splitting alarm goes off.

"What's that?" I shout while the noise is going on.

"It's the alarm." the Queen replies, "We're under attack.

To be continued...

Borg Cultural Exchange (Part One)

2009-07-13T15:30:00.001+01:00

"Locutus." Seven of Nine says to me as she walks into my Ready Room, "I wish to speak with you."

Seven never knocks when entering a room. She just walks straight in, as if the people in the room are waiting to be addressed by her. It's a relief she has not barged in while Bev and I have had one of our kissing times. I think I'll have to get the door locked.

I'm getting distracted.

"What is it you want, Seven?" I enquire.

"While I have been regenerating in my alcove." she starts, "I have been talking to my leader, the Borg Queen. She has a request to ask of you."

The sounds ominous. The Borg Queen tends not to 'ask' anything, but do it, whether we like it or not.

"What is it?" I reply.

"As I have been on the Enterprise to learn about human methods of behaviour." she tells me, "The Queen has informed me that she thinks it only fair that a member of this starship should spend some time on a Borg Cube to see how we function."

I nearly drop my hot Earl Grey tea in my lap. I must learn not to drink whenever I am talking to someone, as I never know what they are going to say. This is the second uniform I've ruined in a month. The Enterprise Dry Cleaners are making a fortune out of me.

"That's out of the question!" I exclaim, "We can't allow one of our people to go on a Cube and get assimilated!"

"The Borg Queen has given her guarantee that this would not happen." Seven replies, "Whoever goes would just be there for a few days and be allowed to return to the Enterprise afterwards. You must decide who to send within 24 hours."

Seven strides out and I summon the rest of the senior staff.

------------

The staff are all assembled and I explain the situation to them.

"You can't be serious!" Riker exclaims, "Who would want to go?"

"It could be a good thing, Number One." I tell him, "It would give us a chance to learn more about the Borg way of life than they've let on before. We've had to let Seven study us, now we can see them as they normally are."

Everyone looks around at each other, waiting for someone to volunteer

"All right." says a voice from the back, "I'll do it."

We all look to see who it is....

To be continued...

-----------------

From the editor:

Mimi of The Queen's Meme has sent this in....

The Blog Outside The Box Meme
This meme is all about using your imagination. Free your inner blogginess. Step outside the proverbial blox (that's blog + box for all you non-blog speakers). Answer these ridiculous situational questions and post them on your own blog. Here's the situation for today. We won't tell a soul. And remember:
Don't end up in the dungeon.

1. You are in court. You are in deep doo-doo. What did you do? ('Cause if you want, I might could talk to the judge and get your sentence reduced to Bloggingham dungeon time.)

She wanted me to see the new warp conduit in Engineering...yes I know it was midnight.

2. Your blog just became a best-selling book . What is the title of your book ?

How to make masses of money.

3. It is midnight. The phone rings. It is Michael Jackson calling from the Great Beyond.
What would you like to ask him?

"Michael who?"

4. You are having your future told. The fortune teller looks in the crystal ball, screams and leaves the room in fright. What did they see?

Me doing a kareoke performance at the Enterprise Christmas Party.

5. You're blogging along minding your own blusiness (that's blog + oh...you know) when Google unexpectedly puts a Objectionable Content Warning on your blog. Your own mother is afraid to enter! What, pray tell, did you do to warrant it? How did this happen? Do you think you deserve it? Just how objectionable are you? Do tell.

The Enterprise destroyed the Google HQ as it was taken over by aliens.

6. You suddenly become God Of The Universe. What would your first Commandment be?

Let's get rid of the Q Continuum!

7. And finally, what secret would you like to tell the Queen?
Not to worry. What happens in Bloggingham, stays in Bloggingham.

"Well you know when I was supposed to be on duty with Bev on the Bridge during the night shift......?"

TWQ: Favourite Clothes

2009-07-11T10:04:00.002+01:00

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about what you like to wear.

Are there any particular clothes that you enjoy wearing and consider them your favourites? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Leather jacket that I bought in Turkey

* Norwegian sweater that I bought in Bergen

* A long blue trenchcoat

* 'Indian princess spirit' Mountain t shirt bought in shop that sold American goods.

Now it's over to you...

Deanna Counsels Ro Laren (Part Four)

2009-07-08T17:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

You might well ask why I'm on a dunghill type planet like Realta IV, armed with Jenny Baxter's multi-phase disrupter in the middle of the night. The answer is blackmail.

Ro Laren is with me. She came to me and confessed that the Cardassian woman Malana is threatening to expose her secret romance with the Cardassian Ambassador Gul Vorak. Such a revelation would end the careers of Laren & Vorak, and ostracise them from their planets. Malana wants us to bring 20 bars of latinum to keep her quiet.

We have come without latinum.

-------------------

As Ro, Malana and myself meet in a dark Realta IV alleyway, the Cardassian turns angry.

"So where is the latinum, Bajoran?" Malana says to Ro, "I don't see any?"

"That's because we don't pay blackmailers, Malana." I say, stepping into her line of view.

"Ah, so you've got an accomplice, Bajoran." sneers Malana, "As she has a disruptor, is that the only way you thought of finishing this. I warn you, if I don't get back, I have left instructions for everything to be revealed."

She's clever.

"Deanna, what will we do?" exclaims Ro suddenly.

"Oh, you're Deanna Troi the Betazoid!" laughs Malana, "You're not going to get far reading my mind, Betazoid!"

"I don't need to, Malana." I reply, "I've found out a few things about you. It appears you are wanted in quite a few places. Robberies, affairs with high-ranking Cardassian husbands...or sometimes even their wives, whichever was the most convenient for you at the time, then stealing jewels. You're very popular with the authorities of different planets."

"It's all circumstantial!" yells an angry Malana, "So I did those robberies; there's no proof and I'd get off easily as those dumb judges would let me off.

I raise my skirt to reveal a recorder.

"I'm sure this tape recorded message will be very interesting for the dumb judges to listen to." I say with a smile, "Now listen, Malana. We're letting you go to stop that info about Ro being released. We'll have this recording over you to use if you bother Ro again."

Malana gives us both a poisonous look before reluctantly agreeing. She vanishes into the shadows.

"Well done, Deanna!" Ro says, "That was fantastic."

"The next job is even more tough." I say, "How do I get the stench of this awful planet out of my hair?"

Deanna Counsels Ro Laren (Part Three)

2009-07-06T15:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

Blackmail is a grubby business, even more so when I'm the one being blackmailed!

The Cardassian woman Malana has demanded that I give here twenty bars of the valuable latinum or she will reveal to the Federation, the Bajorans and to the Cardassian government that I have a secret boyfriend, who is Gul Vorak, the Cardassian Ambassador to Earth. Such a revelation would finish our careers and leave us ostricised from both our home worlds. I've been forced to reveal my problem to ship's Counselor Deanna Troi.

----------------

"Come on, Ro." says Deanna, "We've got to sort this problem out. I've done some research on Malana. Let's beam down to Realta IV and sort her out."

"What are we going to do." I ask, still sniffing on my Enterprise-embossed tissue."

"Let's play it by ear." Deanna answers, "Jenny has let me borrow her multi-phase disruptor for the occasion."

"We can't kill anyone!" I protest, "Besides, I can't imagine Jenny loaning ANYONE her disruptor. It's her favourite weapon."

"It's just for protection, Ro." Deanna tells me, and admits that Jenny didn't exactly lend it. She was booked for a long session in the holodeck, so tells me we would be back before Jenny Baxter knew.

-------------

We take the shuttlecraft down while most of the Enterprise is sleeping, telling the others that we are going out clubbing.

After emerging from the shuttle when it lands, we can see it's clearly not des res.

"What a dump!" I exclaim, "This planet really is trashy."

The two of us walk down the main street; everybody looks shady.

"Anybody on Skid Row would have moved out of this place as it's beneath their standing." Deanna says to herself, "Now where's the location in which Malana said to find her?"

"Just up here." I indicate, as we step over a few bodies lying in the road.

The two of us enter an alleyway, that barely has any light. We can't see if anyone is there. Suddenly a wall light is turned on, and I see a familar face.

"Hello, Bajoran." Malana says softly, looking at me, "So we meet again."

To be continued...

TWQ: Sunshine

2009-07-04T10:07:00.002+01:00

As it's a major heatwave here in Britain, this week's TWQ (The Weekend Question) is all about sunshine.

When there is a heatwave, what do you like to do?

My answer is:

Usually I hide in the shade, as excessive heat is just too much. I like pleasant sunshine at best. Naturally, when on vacation I look forward to more sun....but not THAT much more!

Now it's over to you...

Deanna Counsels Ro Laren (Part Two)

2009-06-30T17:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

As I pour out all my troubles to Deanna Troi, about me having a secret Cardassian boyfriend and being blaclmailed, I can see her looking longingly at the chocolate sundae, which I've obviously stopped her eating by coming into her office.

Deanna notices I'm watching, so gets her mind back on track.

"You're being blackmailed?" she states, "Whoever is doing that?"

"It's a Cardassian woman named Malana." Ro blubbers, and I give her the tissue that I keep for these occasions. Believe me, they happen a lot with my patients.

"Go on." I urge her. I want to hear more of this saga.

"Well some time ago." Ro sniffles, "Malana helped me out of a tight spot when the Captain nearly caught me in a restaurant with Vorak. He and Beverly Crusher happened to be there at the same time. She said to me that sooner or later she would return to collect on her knowledge. That time has come."

I give her a few more tissues and ask Ro what Malana wanted.

"She said that I need to beam down to Realta IV, where the Enterprise is going next and hand her twenty bars of latinum, or she was going to spill the beans to the Cardassians, Bajorans and Federation."

"Latinum can't be replicated." I say, "We don't have that many on the ship."

"I know." Ro wails, "What am I gonna do?"

"Don't worry, Ro." I tell her, "We'll sort it out, and without the Cappy knowing as well."

To be continued after the TWQ...

Deanna Counsels Ro Laren (Part One)

2009-06-29T15:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

The one drawback with being a ship's Counselor is all this patient confidentality thing. I must say, there are some things that would make your hair stand on end. I'd love to gossip them to you, but the Cappy would soon know it was me, so I have to keep schtum. Still, the good thing is I get to hear all the scandal that no one else knows about. It's the perfect job.

Right now, it's a quiet afternoon, so I've ordered a giant chocolate sundae from Ten Forward, and am busily working my way through it.

I hear a knock on the door.

I don't believe this. Not while I'm in mid-enjoyment.

"Go away." I whisper under my breath, and hope the person will give up and hassle some one else.

The knocks grow louder. I give up and put the sundae aside, telling it not to go anywhere, as I'll return to it as soon as I can.

"Come in." I call.

The door slowly opens.

It's Ro Laren, who looks round before she enters. She is clearly very furtive, as it looks like she does not want anyone to know she is here.

Now Ro is rather an enigma to me. The others I can usually figure out due to my empathic abilities, but she keeps her mind very much bricked up in my presence. I can tell it's guarded now, like a politician about to be quizzed on something they shouldn't have have done.

"Can I see you for a while, Counselor?" Ro asks slowly.

"Sure you can, Ro." I reply, "Call me Deanna. The sessions I have are always very relaxed and informal."

"Look, Deanna." Ro says, "Can I be sure that nothing I say will go out of this room?"

Hmm...this sounds a juicy one, full of scandal. I've even forgotten about my chocolate sundae for the moment. I think Ro has got a 5 star problem. Just the sort us Counselors love to hear about!

"Of course." I assure her, "I have complete confidentiality in this room. No one, not even the Captain will hear of it."

"That's good." Ro sighs, "I've been worrying over this since my relationship started."

Relationship? Even better! As far as I thought, Ro Laren hasn't been involved with anyone.

"What has happened." Ro explains, "Is that I've been secretly seeing Gul Vorak, the Cardassian Ambassador to Earth."

My jaw drops opens. A Bajoran dating a Cardassian!!! The two races that hate each other the most.

"Though our races are enemies, we are in love." Ro explains, "If anyone found out, our careers would be ruined. Now things have taken another turn. I'm being blackmailed."

To be continued...

TWQ: Useless Catalogue Gift Ideas

2009-06-27T09:58:00.003+01:00

TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about adding gift ideas of your own in those catalogues.

Can you think of any useless gift ideas that you would include in those catalogues that come round, trying to persuade we really need them...but never do? Use your imagination!

My answers are:

1: Potato washer....put all your dirty potatoes in the Potato Washer before peeling!

2: His and hers personalised pillows...makes sure your lover does not use your pillow.

Now it's over to you...

Repairing Data (Part Two)

2009-06-25T15:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Geordi La Forge

I'm struggling to repair my friend Data after he ceased to function and fell unconsious. All the diagnostics I've tried have failed, so now I'm contacting the Cybernetic Division of Starfleet. The trouble is, it's so hard to get in touch with anyone there. I have to keep pressing buttons to get to different departments.

------------

"Look, I just want to speak to a human!" I say exasperatingly over the videoviewer.

"That does not concur." says a voice, "It is discrimitory, as only 42% of the staff are human. 10% are Vulcan, 5% are Bolian and...."

"Sorry." I say irritatingly, "Can someone help me here? My friend Data, who is an android with a positronic brain and circuitry system needs your help."

There is silence for a while.

"I shall bring our top engineer over to talk with you."

"Sid!" I exclaim, "I didn't think you were into cybernetic research."

"Not really, mate." he replies, "They were just a bit short over here, so I thought I could get a bit of extra work done."

Suddenly my confidence goes down. Sid fixes a lot of things that go wrong with starships etc, but he has a very 20th century outlook about it, and the tools are rather suspect. Anyway, I tell him what the problem is.

"Sounds like a bit of wear and tear, mate." Sid tells me, "Screw his head back on, and get an electric lead out."

"Err....are you sure this is going to work, Sid." I say, rather worried.

"This gadgets are all the same." "They just need rebooting once in a while. Have you got the electric wire ready? Put one end in his ear, and the other in the plug. When I give the go-ahead, put the switch on....and errr..stand well back."

I pull the switch and there's a blinding flash. Everywhere goes dark and the Enterprise stops.

"What WAS that Mr LaForge?" the Captain says a few moments later, when all the power comes back on.

Data wakes up, a little groggy.

"Sorry, sir." I say, "It needed a little power to reboot Data, who has revived, thanks to Sid."

"Sid?" the Captain mumbles with a groan, "I should have guessed."

"Well, that's it, mate." Sid tells us, "I'll send my fee to the Captain."

"I'm sure he'll love that!" I think drily.

Repairing Data (Part One)

2009-06-23T20:00:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Geordi LaForge

I'm in the Engineer Room cleaning out filthy warp conduits.

You might think that as Chief Engineer, I should be able to delegate this unplesant task to someone in Engineering. The trouble is, as soon as anyone notices the conduits need doing, they do a vanishing act better than if they had been beamed out!

"GEORDI! GEORDI!" screams out a voice.

It makes me jump up and hit my head on the Jeffries Tube I was in. I turn round and see that Jenny Baxter, who is Data's girlfriend, looking distraught and tearful, as if she has been one number short in the Galactic Lottery.

"What's the prob, Jenny?" I ask.

"You've got to come quickly." she answers, "I don't know what to do."

Jenny quickens up my mobing my pulling my out of the Tube so that I crash on the floor.

"Sorry about that." Jenny says quickly, "You can get a headache tablet later on. Follow me."

Still feeling groggy, I follow Jenny to the quarters that she and Data share. When I enter, I see the android unconsious and on the floor.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Well, Data was all ready to start his daily shift when his body stopped and crumpled to the floor. I screamed and ran to you, as I thought you're the likeliest person who could help."

"Hardly, Jenny." I reply, "I just replace a few fuses occasionally and complete diagnostics, but I'm hardly that good."

I beam Data, who is looking like a shop window mannequin to Engineering, where I start looking at what caused the problem.

-----------

"Have you found out what happerned to Commander Data, Mr LaForge?" the Captain asks me on my Com a few hours later.

I'm looking in his body, with Data's head on my workbench, while I ferret inside with my spanner.

"Sorry, sir." I reply, "I think we are going to need outside help. The Cybernetics Division of Starfleet should do it."

The Captain tells be to get in contact with them. I press the number on my videoviewer.

"Welcome to the Cybernetics Division of Starfleet." says a voice, "If you have trouble with a replicator, press '1', if you have trouble with a holodeck, press '2', if you have trouble with the Emergency Medical Hologram, press '3', if you have any andoid trouble, press '4'...."

I press the number.

"Welcome to Android Repairs." the voice continues, "If the android does not speak, press '1', if the android does not move, press '2', if the android has shut down, press '3'...

I press the button..

"If your android is not functioning." the voice drones on, "Try the following...."

This is going to be a long time!

To be continued...

TWQ: Five Items Bought Together

2009-06-20T09:30:00.000+01:00

Time to get your sense of humour switches on for this weeks TWQ (The Weekend Question)...

Can you name five items, if bought together, would make the cashier wonder about you?

My answers are:

1: Gun

2: Balaclava

3: Fast car

4: C4 Plastic Explosive.

5: Map of local banks

Now it's over to you...

Dancing With The Federation (Part Three)

2009-06-18T17:30:00.001+01:00

With Bev and I having done our routine, all we had to do now was watch the other three couples in the television show Dancing With The Federation. I must admit, I saw it as just Starfleet PR, which of course it is, but the two of us are keen to beat Riker and Deanna, plus the other couples, Data and Jenny, and Britney and her girlfriend T'Pol.

--------------

"All right, Number One." I say to Riker, "It's your turn next."

Riker gets his outfit ready; Deanna has a pink dress on. I see that Lwaxana Troi sneaked into the back entrance to help with the outfits. She gives me a little wave. I groan.

As the music starts, the two of the go into a Trollean Foxtrot, rarely seen in this planet. They wow the audience. Deanna does a special twist which results in lots of cheers, which are still ringing around as they leave.

Bev is looking gloomy.

"All right." says Heidi, the presenter, "Data and Jennifer, you're on the floor.

Data leads Jenny on to the dancefloor. She is wearing a highly revealing dress.

"That's cheating!" snorts Bev, "They might as well stand still, as they will more than likely remember her dress than any dancing they do."

Jenny and Data do a graceful waltz, and builds up to a Ryokan samba.

As they leave, all the cheering audience are watching Jenny leave.

"I can see which audience SHE is trying to appeal to." Deanna comments sarcastically.

"It might just work, too." I say to myself.

"Lastly." Heidi announces, "We have the female dancers Ensign Britney and T'Pol."

T'Pol comes out in a white mini dress, while Britney has an absurd black and pink outfit, large hat and mask.

The audience go ecstatic; they've never seen anything like it...although we do frequently!

They dance the Carlon L'Apassionale, a very daring piece from a Federation planet. Eventually the two of them leave the stage with everyone applauding.
--------------

A few moments later, Britney & T'Pol are cheering, and holding the dance trophy. Heidi has told them they won because of their unusual and diverse approach.

"Way to go, sistah!" Britney yells out.

"We win again, Brit!" T'Pol replies.

The six of us go back dejected, followed by two cheering women shouting "'Ere we go!" endlessly.

Where's my headache pill?

Dancing With The Federation (Part Two)

2009-06-16T17:30:00.000+01:00

Admiral Hollister has asked four couples from the Enterprise to take part in a galactic television dancing competition entitled Dancing With The Federation.

Of course, it's all Starfleet PR.

The four couples are Bev and myself, Deanna and Riker, Jennifer Baxter and Data, plus Britney and T'Pol.

---------

The eight of us arrive in the studios of San Francisco. The whole place is a mess, with seeminy no organisation. It was hard getting through Security, although I'm sure Mr Worf would have persuaded him had he been with us.

"Are you the dancers from the Enterprise?" asks an approaching female voice from behind.

"Hello, I'm Heidi." she announces, "I'm the presenter on the show, and will be introducing you all. I hope you've got your dance routines all sorted out?"

We say that we have, and Heidi announces that the show will start in fifteen minutes.

"If we go first." declares Bev, "Then you others can give up before even dancing a step."

"What a cheek!" replies Jenny, "Data and I will wipe the dancing floor with you!"

"Will and I are going to be the tops!" Deanna says, "My empathic senses tell me that."

"Well they need re-tuning." Britney retorts, "Me and my soulsistah T'Pol are gonna be number one."

"Shall we just get on with it it?" I say in my best concilatory manner, "May the best dancers win!"

-----------

Fifteen minutes later, Heidi is opening the show with a pair of dancers.

"Hello viewers across the galaxy!" she starts, "Welcome to a special edition of Dancing With The Federation. Instead of people from competing planets, we are featuring four couples from the flagship USS Enterprise, pride of Starfleet."

The exagerrated applause carries on, then Heidi continues.

"It will be up to you viewers." she says, "To declare the winner. Our first couple this evening is Captain Jean-Luc Picard and Doctor Beverly Crusher."

Bev and I appear in our Dixon Hill outfits, and dance a mixture of tunes from the 1930's and 1940's. She does a small tap-dancing solo on the stage in the middle of it, then we resume our routine. As we finish, we are greeted by wild applause.

"It looks like the other three couples will have to work hard to beat that." Heidi comments.

"So say I!" Bev tells me.

To be continued....

Dancing With The Federation (Part One)

2009-06-14T17:30:00.000+01:00

"I want to be out there in the battlezone, sir." I tell Admiral Hollister, "Why does the Enterprise have to be involved in PR stunts all of the time?"

"I appreciate your frustration, Captain." Hollister replies, "But remember that your ship is a Galaxy class. The flagship of the fleet. It's only natural that the Federation shoud want to see representatives of the best ship there is."

I can see that Hollister is trying to flatter me again, hoping that will persuade me. The trouble is, that usually does.

"So what do we have to do, sir?" I say grudgingly, knowing that what an Admiral wants, they always get.

"I'll tell you fully when I brief your senior staff." he tells me, as the two of us walk towards the Ready Room.

-------------

With the senior staff assembled, they all listen to the Admiral.

"The Federation Television Network are keen for the public to see who the people are in she starships that defend our planets." he starts, "Therefore they are setting up a special Dancing With The Federation edition, in which four couples from the Enterprise will dance against each other in a competition. The winner to be judged by the public."

Bev's face light's up.

"I wanna do it!" she exclaims, "Come on, Jean-Luc, you know we'd win easily against these losers!"

"Err...Doctor Crusher is an accomplished dancer." I tell the Admiral, "I would be happy to partner her."

"Excellent." Hollister comments, "Now we need three couples."

"I'm a trained dancer." Ensign Jennifer Baxter declares, "Data has all dance steps in his programming. We would win easily."

"That's good." Hollister muses, "Two more to get."

"How about you, Mr Worf." I ask, "Would you and Jadzia like to take part?"

"Klingons do not take part in dancing competitions!" he snorts decisively.

"Number One?" I suggest, "How about you and Deanna?"

"Come on, Will." Troi urges, "You can do it!"

Riker agrees, albeit unwillingly.

"Well, we just need one more couple." Hollister tells me, "Who can we pick?"

"Hey! how about us?" shouts a familiar voice.

Ensign Britney. No..not her!

"T'Pol and I are great dancers. We really wow the people at the clubs with the routines we do..when we're sober that is."

"That's right." T'Pol confirms, "Brit and I will really wipe the floor with you lot."

Admiral Hollister looks a little embarassed. He doesn't know quite what to say.

"Err.." he stutters, "But you are both...errr...women."

"Got something against that, Admiral?" challenges Britney, "I thought the Federation was past that sort of discrimination."

Hollister has painted himself into the proverbrial corner.

"Of course we are." Hollister declares, "We'd be happy to have you two ladies as contestants."

"Yay!" shouts Britney, who does a high-five with T'Pol, "Sistah, let's dance to victory!"

To be continued...

TWQ: Five To Save The World

2009-06-13T09:30:00.000+01:00

The Weekend Question (TWQ) this week asks to use your imagination. The world is in peril. Who are you going to call on to save it?

Name five people or groups who you would get to help save the world from a threat. Remember...ONLY five!

My answers are:

1: John McClaine (from the 'Die Hard' movies)

2: International Rescue (Thunderbirds)

3: Superman

4: Gandalf (from 'Lord of the Rings')

5: Sarah Connor (from Terminator 2: Judgement Day)

Now it's over to you...

Britney & T'Pol's New Vacation (Part Three)

2009-06-11T17:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

I've picked an awful place for my soulsistah T'Pol and I to have a vacation!

Thinking that Serennia IV would not throw us out as the planet have just opened to tourists and haven't heard of us, we decided to go. What we found is that it's a virtual rest home for the aged! Everybody is over 90. Naturally there are no nightclubs there where the two of us can enjoy a good rave.

------------

The two of us sit drinking Viridian Vodkas while sitting in the Pink Lady Bar. The place is deserted. I think we must be their first customers.

"What are we gonna do, Brit?" T'Pol asks me, "If you ask me, it's more fun being cooped up in the brig of the Enterprise than here."

"We can't stay like this, sistah." I tell her, "We've got to liven things up a bit. At the moment, it seems like everybody is having a miserable time, not only us. I think the younger relatives of the people here sent them to this place to keep them out of the way."

"I see what you mean, sweetie." T'Pol comments, "Let's get back to the Seaview Hotel and see what we can do to improve things.

When the two of us enter the hotel foyer, Pete the manager looks like he's running around and getting nowhere. We ask him what happened.

"The bingo caller had to go to hospital." Pete explains, "There is no one left to run it this afternoon. I have to be here in the foyer and..."

"We'll do it!" I exclaim. T'Pol look puzzled.

"You will?" Pete asks, "Thank you."

T'Pol and I walk to our room. She asks why we want to run a boring bingo session.

"We can make it a lot livelier!" I tell her, "But first I need to change."

------------

A little later, I can see all the old timers in position with their bingo cards.

"They're ready." T'Pol tells me, "Time to go out there."

Wearing my blonde wig and golden bustier, I stride out to the stage.

"ARE YOU READY FOR BINGO??!" I yell out.

They all wake up from the self-imposed sleep. The men all register their approval. So do the women. T'Pol stands by the bingo machine to draw the numbers out. As she shows me the ball, I yell it out. The number that gets the biggest cheer is 11 when I shout "LEGS ELEVEN." then jump up and do the splits on the stage.

When the game is over, I get lots of requests saying "Do another one, Missy!"

------

Four hours later, Pete comes over and thanks us by giving us bottles of Silurian Brandy.

"You did a great job there, girls, and saved the day." he says.

"No problem." I say, "It was great fun."

"Actually." Pete says, "I know this isn't your type of planet. I have a condo that I bought on the quiet. It's located on the planet Ellena. Miles of beaches, a bustling disco nightlife, and privacy when you need it."

"I've never heard of it." I tell him.

"Ah." Pete says, "You've got to be in the know. I hope you both enjoy it."

The two of us get on board the shuttlecraft and head for Ellena.

"You see, sistah." I tell T'Pol, "Some things do turn out all right."

"You're right, Brit." she replies, "All systems go!"

Britney & T'Pol's New Vacation (Part Two)

2009-06-09T17:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

Brit and I are on the way via shuttle to Serennia IV for our vacation together. She picked it because it seems we have been banned from all destinations in the galaxy due to the raucous behaviour we get up to.

Personally, I think there is nothing wrong with being a little lively. Anyway, the people on this planet have only opened to tourists this week, so we think they will be eager to accept us for business...and they probably haven't heard of us yet!

-----------

"Almost there, sistah!" Britney says with delight, as the shuttle nears Serennia IV, "Then it's time for some mega-serious frolicking and partying."

"You're right there, honey." I say to my Deltan friend, "Let's hope we can last more than a few days before we are deported."

"Sweetie." she says with a sly look, "Even if we do, we're gonna make sure that every second counts by living it to the max."

------------

We touch down and get the hovercar to the Seaview Hotel. As we do, Brit starts to look around.

"I'm gettin' worried, T'Pol." he says, "While looking out, I haven't seen one single nightclub, and all the people on this planet seem to be over 100 years old."

"It might not be as bad as you think, Brit." I tell her, "Perhaps we just have to look out of town."

Privately, I'm rather worried, though.

We enter the doors of the Seaview Hotel. Some of the residents seem to have been sitting in the chairs so long there are spiders webs on their legs.

An old man approaches us.

"Hi girls." he cheerily says as he greets us, "I'm Pete, Manager of the Seaview. Glad to have you here. We need a little youth here."

"How old are most of the residents?" I enquire.

"They are all over 90." answers Pete, "It means every day I have to go and check whether they are still with us every morning...once I've made sure I am! Ha!Ha!"

Pete's joke falls flat with Britney who presses him about the facilities.

"Where is the nearest nightclub?" Brit asks.

"We don't have one of them anywhere on the planet." Pete replies, "But we do have an Afternoon Tea Dance you may wish to go to, or there is always bingo."

Britney winces.

"All right." she says, "Pete, just tell us where the nude beach is for now."

Pete looks shocked.

"Ladies, we don't have them." he answers, "If you go down and start taking off your clothes, the elderly people watching could suffer a mass heart attack, as their pacemakers could well explode!"

Brit and I go to our room.

"I'm sorry, sistah." she tells me, "We've come to the wrong place for us."

"Don't worry, honey." I reply, "I'm sure we'll think of something."

To be continued...

Britney & T'Pol's New Vacation (Part One)

2009-06-07T17:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

I happily jaunt into the quarters I share with T'Pol and tell her the exciting news.

"Guess what, soulsistah!" I exclaim, "I've found the ideal place for us to go on vacation!"

T'Pol looks at me with a slight cynical look. I can understand why.

"Brit, honey." she replies, "Every pleasure planet in the galaxy knows about us. We don't exactly have reputations as quiet people. They all know how we like to live it up and rave. Even the most raucous destinations have us on their 'banned' list. False names won't work."

"I know, I know." I tell her, "That's because we go to these established places where they will soon send messages to each other about who to look out for. What if we went to a place that is just opening?"

T'Pol's interest heightens. Her mirror-Vulcan logic begins to work, and she sees the sense in what I'm thinking about.

"You could have something there, Brit." she tells me, "But what if they already have news of us?"

"That's a chance we'll have to take." I reply, "Somehow, I suspect that in their first week of opening, they'll be keen to take anyone."

"Yeah, Brit." she agrees, "Tell the Captain, pack your chewing gum and we'll be on our way!"

---------------

The two of are in the shuttle bay, with our suitcases. Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher are there to see us off.

"I must admit." Beverly starts, "That I didn't realise Serennia IV was a vacation planet. I thought it was just a very quiet out-of-the way place that people rarely visit."

"It was." I tell her, "But it has started to open up to tourists, "This week will be their first official week."

"I see." Beverly comments in a worried voice.

T'Pol and I get aboard the shuttle. As we do, I'm sure I hear the doctor tell the Captain, "Those poor people on Serennia IV don't know what they are in for, Jean-Luc."

To be continued...

TWQ: Vacation Items

2009-06-06T10:02:00.002+01:00

As the time is peak for going on vacation, TWQ (The Weekend Question) takes a look at items you forgot to take...amd ones you wish you hadn't bothered to bring.

What items do you wish you had bought along on earlier vacations, and what items did you find were completely unnecessary and a waste of space?

My answers are:

1: I could probably have done with bringing a book to record the names of some of those places we take camera shots of. How can I remember them while looking back.

2: Once I bought a cassette recorder with me on a trip to the US. It was huge, and hardly ever used it.

Now it's over to you...

The New Television (Part Three)

2009-06-04T17:30:00.001+01:00

The senior staff have been waiting in eager anticipation for the new holographic television only to find that it is actually a model from the mid 20th century.

Now, with a bit of manouvering with the aeriel, the picture is finally clear...

"Good evening." he says, looking like an old hooror actor, "The is the news from the British Broadcasting Corporation. In today's news, sweet rationing is due to end as Queen Elizabeth will be crowned. Edmund Hillary is on the way to climbing Everest. Mr Churchill says he will contest the next Election. Also.."

"It's not only an old television, but it's a viewer into the past." summises Deanna.

"I think I'd prefer one that would view into the future." Riker drily comments, "We could plan things out a lot better."

"This is a wonderful device." Data concludes, "We in the 24th century will be able to see how life really was for those in that time period. This machine must have been dispatched to the Enterprise from a museum by mistake. Scientists will be fascinated....."

"Has anyone forgotten about me?" yells out Jennifer, who is still standing near the television, balanced on one leg, with an aeriel held up in the air. She topples over, and her whole body hits the television, smashing it to pieces. The valves flash and sparks fly.

The finished result is that the whole tv looks fit now for a Ferengi scrapyard.

--------

"That was fascinating, Jean-Luc." bev tells me as we walk out, "A brief glimpse into the past."

"We were lucky." I conclude, "We might have caught an old rerun instead."

The New Television (Part Two)

2009-06-02T17:30:00.001+01:00

All the staff have been keen to see my new top-of-the-range holographic television, and I would have been proud to show it off.

However, it has arrived, and I feel a little let down by the result.

"Is this the model you asked for, Captain?" says Riker, although I can detect a hint of sarkyness in his tone.

"Of course it isn't, Number One!" I snap, "Wait until I call the shop."

"It appears to be a television set that was used in the mid 20th century." Data tells us with his trivia-packed mind, "This was composed of valves, had a monochrome picture and.."

"Never mind that, Mr Data." I tell him, "Do you want to watch me give a few choice 24th century phrases to the suppliers of this box?"

"Why don't we see whether it works first?" Bev suggested, "For all we know, it might be the real thing in a sort of traditional design."

"I somehow doubt it." commented, and moved forward to switch on one one of the large knobs at the front.

A screechy noise emits from it, and the screen is all hazy snow. Jennifer Baxter gets the aeriel that thats on the top of it, and the quality starts to change.

"BETTER!...WORSE..." everybody shouts as Jennifer moves the crude metal device.

Finally, as she stands with one leg raised and her arm up in the air, the picture becomes clear.

Everyone looks surprised. It's not the Federation tv channel as we were expecting....

To be continued...

The New Television (Part One)

2009-05-31T17:30:00.001+01:00

Today is going to be a great day!

I've ordered a new hyper-standard television from the suppliers. It should be delivered to the Enterprise in a couple of hours. From what I've heard, it's a top of the range model that shows holographic pictures from all the planets.

Deanna rushes in.

"Has it come yet, Captain?" she asks.

"Has WHAT come yet, Deanna?" I reply.

"Why, the television of course." she answers, as if the couldn't be anything else. "I want to see it working."

Bev and Riker run in.

"Has it come yet?" they ask.

"No." I tell them.

"Well we don't want to miss the first programme in holographic vision." Bev tells me, "As The Universe Turns is my favourite show."

All the other senior staff who filter in say this.

"Honestly." I tell them, "I don't know what the fuss is over a daytime soap opera."

"Captain." explains Data, "What is important is that Brad is engaged to marry Stephanie, but is secretly in love with Angela. Meanwhile next door, Jeff is losing money in his hovercar business and plans to fake his death. He does not realise that his wife Joanne has killed his rival, which will..."

"Enough!" I tell them, "Let's just get the television. Remember it is mine!"

-----------

A few minutes later, to rousing cheers, the television arrives. Two engineers start to tax it out of the box, as the entire senior staff look on in eager anticipation.

The expectation turns rather glum as the top of the range holographic television is unveiled.

"This isn't quite what I was expecting." I tell them.

"What is it?" Jadzia asks.

To be continued...

TWQ: Vacation Purchases

2009-05-30T09:01:00.003+01:00

As this time of year is a peak time for vacations, TWQ (The Weekend Question) is asking about things you may have bought while away.

Which items have you purchased away on vacation did you later regret buying? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Large Italian chess set...never used

* Two paintings on a cruise...never hung

Now it's over to you...

Q's Romance (Part Two)

2009-05-28T17:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Q

My girlfriend Q and I are heading for a meeting with the leader of the Continuum after being summoned there by one of the flunkeys.

"What do you think he wants, Q?" my girl asks me, "If you ask me, we ought to be worried."

"Don't worry, sweetie." I reply, "He probably just wants my advice on something. After all, I've never seen the Head Q with a female. Perhaps he wants to know my technique.

She laughs. "Oh, Q. you're incorrigable!"

--------

We enter the Great Hall and approach our Leader.

"Q and Q." he bellows, "You may both come forward."

We walk towards him. He's got a fearsome front, hasn't he? It kind of reminds me of Dorothy approaching the Wizard of Oz.

"I have heard rumblings of your behaviour." the Head Q continues, "You are carrying out disruptive behaviour together."

"Err...yes sir." I say quietly, "But we do say sorry afterwards."

"Indeed?" our leader comments, "Am I also led to believe that you two Qs are in love?"

My girl steps forward.

"That is right, Great Leader." she confirms.

"This is most unusual." he booms, "The Q Continuum is eternal. It does not allow for romance between it's members."

"It can always happen." I say, looking at my sweetie, who approaches and holds my hand, then kisses me,"

"I did not bring a sick bag." the Head Q comments, "However I am all for the raising of morale in the Continuum, so you may continue your romance."

"Thank you!" we both shout, and leave when we are directed out.

---------

"That's wonderful, sweetie." I say to her, "Our romance has been blessed by the Head Q."

"Delightful, my darling Q-sy woozie." she replies, "Let's go to Voyager and make it travel the wrong way again."

"Perfect!"