Captain Picard's Journal

The USS Rhode Island (Part One)

2008-10-12T18:26:00.002+01:00

Guest Poster: Erika Hernandez

As Captain of the USS Rhode Island, I've got to be discreet in how I handle relations. Commander Mark Hathaway always says he wants to be forgiven for the indescetion he had with the female Maravian Ensign.

And the Trill Ensign.

And the Bajoran Ensign.

I have to accept that Mark always has a roving eye, and he likes to see the females that are on board. With James T Kirk, as his idol, he is trying to better his total.

Mark enters my Ready Room.

"Hello, Erika." he says, "Any chance of a quiet dinner tonight, then a walk along the beach in the Sondoran holographic program?"

He moves closer and gives me a long kiss on the lips. I start to feel dizzy, but recover.

"Mark...I mean Commander." I say, "You must address me by my rank and not be so familar. I am your Captain."

"That's not what you said the other night after we had that Klingon bloodwine." he replies, "We certainly didn't act like a Captain and Commander then!"

I cough, as I recall all the incidents.

"Well, that's because you gave me too much to drink." I answer, "You said that the matter would not be discussed again."

"Sure, sure." he comments with a suggestive smile, "I didn't know you had a tattoo THERE, of all places."

I go red in the face, and the conversation is fortunately halted by the arrival of the two young married Ensigns, Wesley Crusher and his wife, the amazon Karena.

"Were we interrupting anything?" Karena asks, "I was unaware that you and the Commander had a personal relationship."

"We do not!" I answer quickly, blushing even more, "I was merely going over this latest crew reports. What is it you require, Ensign?"

"I went up to the Bridge." she answers, "The crew there are all unconsious."

To be continued...

TWQ: TV Spending Cutbacks

2008-10-11T09:50:00.000+01:00

With all the financial problems, television may have to budget a little. TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at how.

Can you suggest some ways that television might be able to cut down on running costs? Be as surreal and as funny as you wish!

My answers are:

* The news anchor reads from the paper.

* The sports coverage is done with a mobile phone.

* A historical drama is done with the actors in jeans.

Now it's over to you...

700th Post!

2008-10-09T17:30:00.000+01:00

Well, here we are, we've made it on to my 700th Post!

It is three and a half years ago when it all started out in April 2005, and all the members have gone their own ways.

Some newcomers might be a bit confused with what goes on, so I thought for this 7ooth post, we ought to look at them and see what they do:

Jean-Luc Picard: The beleagued Captain of the Enterprise who has to put up with everything else. In a discreet relationship with Doctor Beverly Crusher.

William Riker: Second in command. Has an unhealthy liking for donuts and is in a not-so-discreet relationship with Counselor Deanna Troi.

Thomas Riker: Duplicate of William Riker, created in a transport accident. Now a member of the Maquis.

Beverly Crusher: Chief Medical Officer and Captain's girlfriend.

Deanna Troi: Betazed Counselor and Riker's girlfriend.

Lwaxana Troi: Overbearing mother of Deanna Troi. Ambassador for home planet of Betazed.

Wesley Crusher: Disater-prone son of Beverley Crusher. Has recently got married to Amazon Karena. Both are serving on the USS Rhode Island

Karena: Wife of Wesley. She sees him as a Life Servant, there to do her bidding. Deadly with a spear. Comes from the planet of the Amazons, Wondawowman.

Queen Diana: Queen of the Amazons on Wondawowman, mother of Karena.

Nexa: Mischievous sister of Karena.

Captain Erika Hernandez: Captain of the USS Rhode Island

Commander Mark Hathaway: Second in Command on USS Rhode Island. Is overfamiliar with Hernandez.

Elizabeth Shelby:

Highly ambitious Starfleet Officer, determined to get to the top.

Guinan: El-Aurian bartender on the Enterprise.

Vic Fontaine: A holographic singer, created in the Enterprise nightclub named The Sands. Co-run by Fontasine and Guinan. The two have a discreet relationship.

Data: Third in command on the Enterprise. An advanced android.

Jennifer Baxter:

Ensign who is Data's girlfriend. A highly skilled fighter.

Lore: An evil duplicate of Data, also created by Dr Noonian Soong.

Geordi LaForge: Engineer on the Enterprise. Best friend of Data.

Trisha Lewis: Ensign, Geordi's girlfriend.

Luthor Sloan: Agent/Director of Section 31, a secret police group operating within Starfleet, and is accountable to no one.

Captain Beverly Howard: An evil copy of Beverly Crusher that comes from a parallel universe where women reign supreme.

Jadzia Dax: Trill Lieutenant and girlfriend of Lieutenant Worf.

Lieutenant Worf: Klingon Security Officer, father of Alexander.

Alexander: Son of Worf.

Ro Laren: Ensign who has been torn between the Federation and the Maquis. Girlfriend to Gul Vorak.

Gul Vorak: Cardassian Ambassador who is in a relationship with Ro Laren. As the two races are supposed to despise each other, they are doing everything they can to keep it secret.

Ensign Britney.

Ensign from Delta, where all citizens are bald. Constantly gets into trouble and is always in the brig. Close friend of T'Pol.

T'Pol: Comes from the 'official' mirror universe. Was in suspended animation for over 200 years. Best friends with Britney.

Seven of Nine: Borg drone placed on the Enterprise by the Borg Queen in order to learn more about human behaviour.

The Borg Queen: Controller of Borg Cube Unimatrix 01. She is Seven of Nine's leader.

The Alpha Borg Queen: Leader of the entire Borg race. Has taken it upon herself to invite herself to the Enterprise Christmas Party this year.

Borg Queen Troi: Comes from a parallel universe that is overrun by the Borg. She is essentially what Deanna Troi would be if she were assimilated. She is leader of Borg Cube Unimatrix 02 and believes the 01 Queen and the others are too soft. Vows to get us all, especially Deanna.

Annika Hansen: What Seven of Nine is really like in the Unimatrix Zero society. A place where Borg can live as their former cells if they have the recessive gene while regenerating. Their Borg selves know nothing of the secret life. Is currently serving as joint-Mayor.

Axum: Annika's former lover, who left her, and ran against her in the Mayoral elections in Unimatrix Zero. Joint Mayor.

Vi Toran: The Bajoran in Unimatrix Zero who Axum left Annika for.

Boothby:

Crotchety gardener at Starfleet Academy.

Ambassador Spock: Aged Vulcan who still serves with the Federation.

Holographic Doctor: The Emergency Medical Hologram that serves on the Enterprise. Has a bad temper, thinks he should do more important things. Has a taste for opera.

Q: A being from the Q Continuum who loves to cause as much annoyance as possible.

---------------

I hope that's cleared up some who might wonder who these particular characters are when you visit.

Thanks to all those who have visited. Not just now, but in the past.

First Contact (Part Two)

2008-10-07T13:54:00.000+01:00

So now we're in the slammer!

Riker, Deanna and I went down to the planet Savenia to establish First Contact, due to them attaining warp drive status.

However, they are rather defensive, and saw us as invading aliens. The police force have quickly thrown us in the jail until they can figure out what to do.

-----------

"Can't the Enterprise beam us out, Captain?" Deanna asks me, "That would solve a lot of problems."

"That's not possible." I reply, "A major ion storm has since developed over the city."

"Well I haven't eaten for ages!" complains Riker, "I actually missed my donut this morning because I thought we would get a welcome dinner from these people. I won't do that again."

"Just let's hope there IS a next time, Number One."

I hear the sound of footsteps approach; a tough policeman stands outside.

"All right!" he barks, "When is it?"

"When's what?" I ask, knowing he isn't referring to the date of my birthday.

"The invasion, of course." he answers, "I want to know when you aliens are going to launch an all-out attack on our planet."

"I tried to tell your people before." I try to tell him, "The United Federation of Planets is a peaceful group that want to invite you to join as you have achieved warp-drive status."

"Then you have been spying on us!" he counters.

"No." steps in Deanna, "Just observing you, trying to see when you will be ready to contact."

"You are even more deadlier than we thought!" the policeman says, "As we never saw you watching us, we are in great danger. Unless you tell us the invasion date, you will be executed!"

He storms off.

"It looks like we haven't got much hope, Captain." Riker answers, "What shall we do?"

I sigh.

"It looks like we may have to break a few Starfleet rules here, Number One." I tell him, "And that includes bending the Prime Directive to breaking point.

I use my ComBadge to contact the Enterprise, giving Data instructions about what to do and when. The communication is weak due to the ion storm, but he gets it.

"Are you sure this is wise, Captain." Deanna asks me.

"Yes, Counselor." I reply, "Right now, the Saveneans are in no mood to talk to outsiders. Hopefully in a few years they will change. For the moment, we have to save ourselves."

We look out of the window, up at the sky. Here it comes.

Phaser bursts from the Enterprise are exploding all over the main city, with the citizens running in droves. I can here people shouting "The invaders are here!"

A shuttlecraft circles around, shooting harmless lasers to send everybody into hiding.

We stand back in the jail as a phaser bolt hits the wall and destroys it. We run out and get in the shuttlecraft.

-----

Later, I am back in the Enterprise, enjoying my Earl Grey. Deanna enters.

"Are you sure that was the right way to go about that, Captain?" she asks, "There may be repercussions from Starfleet."

"Indeed there may, Deanna." I reply, "But when one is dealt a poor hand, they have to use the ace that is hidden up their sleeve".

Editor's Note:

This is the 699th post. Be sure to see the 700th post, published 17:30 British Time on Thursday.

First Contact (Part One)

2008-10-05T17:30:00.001+01:00

It seems all I do is play diplomat nowadays.

I'd rather be zapping a few aliens who are invading, but that's not the Starfleet way. Captain Kirk in the 23rd Century used to have the 'shoot first, ask questions later' approach. It was deemed far to archaic. He'd be put in the brig nowadays for that, and for his approach to women.

They'd sue him for harassment for one thing. The red shirts would, if there were any alive, as they always got sent on the risky missions.

Still, I digress.

It's First Contact time, and we've been alerted that a new race, the Saveneans, have recent achieved warp drive status. It means we can announce ourselves, and invite them to the Federation.

Myself, Riker and Deanna are beaming down to Savenia.

We find ourselves in the city square. People look around and I get ready for the speech.

"Greetings, citizens of Savenia." I start, "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. I am welcom..."

"ALIENS!!" shouts one citizen, "Sound the alarm!"

"But, sir." Deanna tries to say, as everybody runs in different directions.

Suddenly, a deafening warning siren is played out all over the city.

"I think they've been expecting us." Riker comments drily, "I suggest we take our leave."

"Nonsense, Number One." I assure him, "Naturally, these people haven't seen an alien before and are just a little concerned. We just need to reassure them that we are friendly."

"That could be difficult, Captain." Deanna says, "The Saveneans seem highly sensitive to outside forces."

A group of figures dressed in black rush up to us. Experience would suggest this is not a welcoming party.

"Those are the invading aliens who plan to destroy our world and enslave our people." says one of the citizens."

"That's not true." I reply desperately, "We are from the United Federation of Planets, and we are offering you membership as you have attained warp drive status."

"So you admit you are aliens?" says the leader in black.

"Err...well, yes." I concede, "But we are not unfriendly."

"Take them away!" he orders, "We may be able to use them as hostages against the invading armies. Other than than we will destroy them as a warning to any other aliens."

Right now, I'm thinking whoever invented First Contact must have been out of their mind!

To be continued...

Editor's Note:

The answer to the Bonus Question on the TWQ was 'Last Of The Summer Wine'.

This is the 698th Post. Be sure to see the 700th on Thursday post (17:30 British time)

TWQ: Subjects To Avoid

2008-10-04T10:05:00.001+01:00

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks what you avoid talking about with friends.

What subjects do you avoid discussing when meeting and out with your friends, as it might cause a row between them? Are there any you avoid with just one friend?

My answer is:

Politics are always top of the list to avoid. It is the most divisive of subjects, and no matter how much it is argued or discussed, people will never change their viewpoints, so it's best for all not to bring it up.

Now it's over to you...

Plus.....a Bonus Question:

What is the longest running situation comedy series on tv?

Clue: It's been going since 1973 and is still on now. No looking at the internet!

I'll reveal it in the comments when someone gets it, and in the next post.

Section 31 Annual Conference (Part Two)

2008-10-02T17:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Agent Luthor Sloan

Now it's timeo walk out on to the stage at the Section 31 Annual Conference and make my speech to the members as Director of the secret Intelligence force that operates within Starfleet.

I hope I don't get distracted. I few moments earlier, I was introduced to two gorgeous new female recruits named Agent J and Agent K. They have a hypnotic stare that can reduce any man to a quivering jelly.

I approach the lectern and get my speech ready.

Quickly, I look around, hoping that the women are not visible so I can speak without a problem.

Everything seems alright until I notice there are two empty seats in the front row. Sure enough, J and K are walking towards them.

Oh no!!

There's no use. I'll hasve to go through the speech and try not to look at them.

"Members of Section 31." I start, "You have a fine body....I mean you are a fine body of women...and men."

It's started. I look at Agent J.

It's no use; she and Agent K are both staring at me.

K gives me a sly, but slow wink..

I drop my speech on to the floor.

There are a few murmers from the assembled Section 31 members in the audience. Some must be beginning to think if I am the Director or the warm-up comedian.

"Sorry about that." I say, "Now getting back to my speech. Section 31 has a duty in keeping Starfleet on it's toes. Without us, they would be a blonde....I mean bland insipid group. We must continue to implement our members and policies into the highest reaches of Starfleet. There must be no lips....I mean lapse, and all work together."

At this, J and K both blow me a kiss. A fall over the lectern and it all crashes down on the stage.

I limp off, and Agent V goes on to the stage to thank me for an illuminating speech.

"Very good, Director" Agent V says afterward, "Quite memorable."

Was he being sarcastic?

Section 31 Annual Conference (Part One)

2008-09-30T17:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Agent Luthor Sloan

I'm heading for the Section 31 Annual Conference on...well, I can't possibly say, as it is a secret. As the group is an unknown, supposedly non-existant Intelligence unit operating within Starfleet, we can't advertise ourselves too freely.

This didn't work out too well at last year's Conference. Things were so secret, none of the members knew about the occasion, and as a result, no one turned up.

We at Section 31 like to move Starfleet policy to suit ourselves. We answer to no one and place members in high places so that we can manipulate things to our own devices. Spoilsports like Jean-Luc Picard are always trying to upset the applecart.

Anyway I've landed on...woops! Nearly said it then! Just accept it's a quiet, out of the way planet away from normal starship lines.

Agent V walks up to see me.

"Director Sloan." he says, "Glad to see you. It seems that the members have received notice through the proper channels this time. It looks like a full house for your speech."

"Excellent." I say, "I'm not going to talk to myself like last year."

He smiles and motions two young women behind him to step forward.

"Director." he announces, "Allow me to present our two newest recruits to Section 31. This is Agent J"

I nearly fall back when I see her blonde hair and piercing eyes.

"I'm so pleased to meet you, Director Sloan." she purrs seductively, "I've always been an admirer of you methods."

"....and this is Agent K." V informs me.

Agent K has long brunette hair tumbling over her shoulders; she also has stunning eyes that bore right into me.

"Director Sloan." she says softly, "It was because of you I joined Section 31. You do such wonderful work."

My legs begin to wobble. If we could have those two one recruiting posters, people would be joining in droves. It's too bad a secret intelligence force cannot have a recruitment poster.

"Errr....call me Luthor." I say to both of them, "I'm sure you'll make excellent agents and make a fine impression."

I know they did on me!

Agent V tells me that the hall is ready, and the agents are waiting for me to address them.

I hope that Agents J or K are not near the front otherwise I might get distracted....yes I WOULD get distracted!

I get my speech ready and enter the hall..

To be continued.....

Ensign Britney And An Old Enemy (Part Four)

2008-09-28T17:30:00.001+01:00

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

I'm in the soup again!

After being captured by the counterculture group The Dregs of Society, who escaped from a penal colony, my life is in danger.

Desdemona Dreg and the other members view me as a traitor because a while ago I infiltrated the group and got them imprisoned. While I remain bound in their headquarters, they are discussing ways in which to polish me off. Vyla, who dislikes me most of all, has bagged to be the one to do it.

-------

"I say that the way we should get rid of the Britney traitor." shouts Vyla to her friends, "It involves a rope, a candle, a long sharp knife and a bucket of water. It'll be fun to watch."

A lot of Dregs murmur approval. I don't know what happens in it, but it sounds grisly.

"Well that's settled, then." agrees Desdemona. "We'll set it up after we've had the celebration dinner. It can be the after-feast entertainment."

Everybody laughs, and the Dregs are sent out to steal the food from the local space supermarket. Only Ellen is left behind to watch me.

As they begin to leave, Tamara, who was a friend when I infiltrated returns quickly while Ellen is getting the tablecloth ready.

She gets a knife and quickly cuts the bonds on my hands and legs.

"As soon as I've gone, get out, Britney." she quietly whispers, "We were friends, and I don't want to see you killed. The Dregs are too violent. Just make sure you don't say anything about this."

I agree and Tamara slips off without Ellen even noticing, who is still setting up the Dreg tables. I wonder if she was a waitress before she joined the Dregs.

Eventually, she walks over to me, with a smug expression on her face.

"If only you knew what is going to happen to you." she laughs, "You'd be begging me to kill you now."

"You don't know what's going to happen to YOU!" I reply, and kick my foot out and hit her in an unmentionable place.

Ellen winces and collapses, so I quickly get up and grab the nearest umbrella.

I swing at her with it and batter Ellen with it. Actually, I think I'm deadlier with one of these than a Klingon is with a bat'leth.

After that, I manage to find the Dreg communication signal and call the Enterprise, who say they will come within ten minutes..

---------

A few hours later, with the Enterprise crew there, they are waiting for the Dregs, and round them up, ready to go back to the Fempokey Penal Colony.

Desdemona yells at me, swearing revenge again. Tamara says nothing, but smiles at me; she is willing to be imprisoned again. If only the Dregs knew they have a traitor in their midst.

"You did very well, Ensign." Captain Picard tells me, "However did you get away when the Dregs had tied you firmly?"

"I suppose I managed to loosen then a little." I lie, "I guess I was just lucky."

We all beam off, and I take a welcome piece of Galaxy Gum.

More Economy Films

2008-09-27T10:26:00.000+01:00

A while back, this was a favourite TWQ (The Weekend Question). Let's see if there are some new ones you can find!

Can you name what some movies in the past might have been called had they had to trim costs? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Batman Doesn't Bother To Begin
Superman Doesn't Return
One Dalmation
The Jungle Notepaper
Pirate of the Boating Lake
Jaw
Dr Jekyll

Now it's over to you...

Ensign Britney And An Old Enemy (Part Three)

2008-09-25T17:30:00.001+01:00

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

The tape over my mouth and the bag is taken off me, and I see the light again.

"Welcome to Chez Dreg!" Desdemona laughs sarcastically, "Didn't I always tell you we'd get you for selling us out?"

A few of the of members of the Dregs of Society voice their approval at this. I was abducted while shopping in the Starfleet Mall with my soulsistah T'Pol. I was called into an alleyway, and they had me.

"I really sympathised with your beliefs." I tell them truthfully, "But your counterculture was too violent and subversive. I had to give you up."

"You just like to play at it, Britney." Desdemona Dreg sneers at me, "In truth, you don't like to get your hands dirty."

That hits home; there is more than a grain of truth there.

"It might be so." I reply, "But your society is just a group of thugs. I've lost any interest in being with one of you."

"Oooh!!!" says a girl with purple and black hair, "You're a real tough talker, ain't you? Let's kill her now!"

Vyla steps forward. She always disliked me, and was suspicious of me when I was infiltrating them.

"Yes, Ellen, but I want to do that." she says, "I've bought this book called 101 Ways To Kill Someone You Don't Like Very Slowly. It should help."

"No!" answers Tamara, who was a friend of mine when I joined them, "It's too barbaric!"

Desdemona steps in between them all, who are all voicing their opinions as to what should be done with me. So far I don't like any of the options coming out!

"Listen." she says, "If it wasn't for this woman, the Dregs of Society would be ruling the earth by now. She has got to pay for her treachery. Right now, we have got to start recruiting people and rise again. We'll have a celebration soon that will end in her being killed...and yes, you, Vyla can pick the method."

There is a big cheer from all the Dregs.

It looks like I may not have long to go. I wonder if they'll give me some chewing gum as a last meal?

To be continued after the regular TWQ

Ensign Britney And An Old Enemy (Part Two)

2008-09-23T17:30:00.002+01:00

"You've got to do something!" T'Pol yells at me in my Ready Room, "Brit has been abducted!"

She thumps so hard on the desk, my cup of Earl Grey is spilt.

"Calm down." I reply in my authoritarian tone, "We'll do everything we can. Lieutenant Worf and his Security Team are going over the area now to see whether we can get any clues as to what happened to Ensign Britney."

Worf walks in, and T'Pol is demanding instantly to hear more.

"All the items she bought in the Starfleet Mall are there and have been recovered, Captain." Worf begins, "However we did find this note." He hands it to me, but T'Pol grabs it first.

"It says 'We have the traitor at last!'" she says.

I take it and read it for myself.

"Only The Dregs of Society would refer to Brit like that." T'Pol says, "After she infiltrated and exposed the counterculture movement."

"Exactly!" I reply, "But all of them are supposed to be in penal colonies. Let's check up on them. Maybe they've mislaid a few prisoners and haven't noticed."

I get my viewer and contact the warder of Fempokey, the penal colony for women.

"Greetings Captain Picard." he says "I am Warder McKay, head of the prison. What can I do for you?"

"I was wondering if any prisoners had escaped recently, most noticably any members of the counterculture group calling themselves The Dregs of Society?"

McKay suddenly looks decidely uncomfortable, as if someone has tipped an ant farm into his uniform.

"My empathic skills tell me that the Warder knows more." says Deanna.

Really? She needs to be a telepath to know that?

"Come on, Warder." I demand, "How many have escaped?"

"All of them." he answers sheepishly, "Including the leader, Desdemona Dreg. They were playing football, and when they kicked it over the wall, they asked if they could go and get it back. They never returned."

"Why didn't you warn us?" I ask, "One of the members of my ship has been abducted as part of a revenge motive."

"We thought we could get them back before anyone noticed." answers McKay, "I'm very sorry."

I switch off the videoviewer in disgust.

"Well, we know what we're up against." I say, "Let's check any ion trails and particle emissions to see if we can help. Ensign Britney may be in big trouble."

"I think Britney is pretty tough, Jean-Luc." Bev answers, "It's the Dregs that need to be careful if they've captured her."

To be continued...

Ensign Britney And An Old Enemy (Part One)

2008-09-21T17:30:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

This is a welcome change from being in the brig!

My soulsistah T'Pol and I have got some leave from the Enterprise and doing some serious shopping aroung the Starfleet Mall.

Naturally, being the rebels that we are, we frequent the 'alternative shops' where the most outrageous clothing is sold. How else can I get my wardrobe filled up:? I need some new torn stockings, ripped clothes and a see-through top to wear at more formal occasions.

"Where shall we go now, Brit, honey?" T'Pol asks, "All this shopping is more tiring than an Away Mission."

"Nearly finished, sistah." I reply, "I just want to get something from the..."

Before I finish, I am called over to a passageway by a young woman. T'Pol walks with me, but the woman says to her to stay where she is, as this won't take long.

I can sense the alarm bells ringing, like they do when T'Pol and I run riot in a nightclub and Security are about to come. Foolishly, I do nothing and carry on.

"You stay there." I tell T'Pol, "When I come back, we'll call it a day and go back to the Enterprise."

I walk into the alleyway, only to find a hand go over my mouth, and my hands tied up. Several woman are binding me to ensure I can't get away.

Not exactly what I was expecting!

"Hello Britney, you traitor." says a familiar voice.

It's Desdemona. Leader of the underground revolutionary group called The Dregs of Society. She and her group should be in a prison...why...?

"Time to get our revenge, traitor." Desdemona smiles.

With that, we are all beamed away. They even left all those things I bought on the ground!

To be continued...

TWQ: Summer Reads

2008-09-20T10:07:00.000+01:00

As autumn is now upon us, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks back on what you enjoyed reading in the summer.

What books did you enjoy reading over the summer? List more than one if you did.

My answer was:

For me, the best book of the year was 'The Host' by Stephanie Mayer. This was a fabulous novel which tell of the earth that has been invaded by aliens named souls who implant themselves in humans then live the life of the human, taking over their mind. It is narrated mainly by Wanderer, a soul implanted into the body of Melanie Stryder. When Melanie's mind refuses to vanish, they work together and become friends as they strive to find the man Melanie loved and come across a colony of humans. A real page-turner.

Now it's over to you...

The Race Afraid Of Women (Part Two)

2008-09-18T17:30:00.000+01:00

I definately think the senior staff women are up to something!

After I informed them that Ambassador Zoran from Malakos would be visiting, and as a result, all women on the Enterprise will have to be confined to quarters as the Malakosians are afraid of all females, whatever race.

All of them very very cross, even Bev, who didn't see why they should be hidden away as something to be ashamed of.

---------

Commander Riker and I, plus the other male senior staff are now at transporter room 3 to welcome the Ambassador.

"Greetings Ambassador." I tell him, and go through the usual introductory speech. He looks around, rather nervously.

"Err...there..aren't any....non males here are there, Captain?" Zoran asks.

"Don't worry." I reply, "They are well away, and you won't see any here.."

The Ambassador breathes a sigh of relief and we all proceed to walk out of the transporter room.

"Oh, sorry!" Ensign Britney calls out, "I was on my way to my quarters and lost my way."

The Ambassador looks about to faint, as if he has been struck by a lightning bolt. Lieutenant Worf moves quickly and puts a bag he was carrying just in case, over the mini-skirt wearing Ensign ant takes her to the nearest brig.

"I'm sorry about that, Ambassador." I tell him, "That won't happen again."

I hear another set of footprints approaching.

"Have you seen Ensign Britney, Captain?" T'Pol asks. As always, she is wearing her revealing 22nd Century mirror universe outfit.

Data and Geordi try to stand in front of the Ambassador so that he can't see anything, but it is too late. He is looking faint again.

T'Pol is taken away by Worf, who has just returned from locking up Ensign Britney.

Another female voice comes from behind me. Oh no.

"Hello Ambassador Zoran" says Deanna cheerily.

I run to shield Deanna from the Ambassador. Sigh. I've got a lot of disciplining to do.

"I can only apologise, Ambassador." I say to Zoran, "They will be punished."

"Please don't, Captain." he says surprisingly, "It has been quite refreshing to see these women. It's made me begin to wonder what we've been missing all these years on Malakos. Bring the ladies along, and all the others that are on your senior staff to our meeting. I've got a feeling it might be quite eye-opening."

We all go to the conference. Deanna takes me aside.

"See what we mean, Captain." she says, "Women can be quite persusive sometimes."

The Race Afraid Of Women (Part One)

2008-09-16T17:30:00.002+01:00

"Who is this delegate we are going to meet, Captain?" Riker asks me as we sit down to a meeting, "I have heard very little about him."

"Let's wait until they all come in before I explain, Number One." I reply, "There are a few delicate things I have to go through."

Riker looks puzzled, but complies as the senior staff assemble.

"Now then, everybody." I start, "We are about to welcome Ambassador Zoran from the planet Malakos. Well that is to say some of us will."

"What do you mean by that, Captain?" Deanna asks, "My empathic abilities detect a hint of nervousness from you."

I wish she could turn that off!

"It means, Counselor," I say, "That all women will have to be confined to quarters while the men talk to Ambassador Zoran."

All the women in the room look disgusted, and start talking at once. Seven talks about assimilating the Ambassador.

"Let me explain." I continue, "There are no women on the Planet Malakos. Only men are born there, and as a result, over the centuries, they have been afraid of encountering any women. It's a different culture."

Data looks puzzled, but Riker manages to ask the question that is on everybody's mind.

"If there are no women on Malakos." he says, "How do they errr.... increase in population and not die out?"

"They are very scientifically minded, Number One." I reply, "All their children are grown in test tubes, and the DNA is conditioned so that only men come out."

"That must be the most miserable planet in the galaxy." Jadzia comments wryly, "After all, no dates, no fun at night."

"I agree." Geordi answers, "Remind me not to go there. I wonder what he'd think of Wondawowman, the planet of the Amazons?"

I smile to myself at that remark. "Still." I say, the Ambassador will be there in a couple of hours. Mr Worf, ensure the women cannot be seen when the Ambassador arrives."

We all leave the Ready Room, but I see the women go back in for a meeting of their own.

I wonder if they are planning something mischievous?

To be continued...

Preparing For The Enterprise Christmas Party

2008-09-14T17:15:00.001+01:00

I assemble the senior staff for a meeting. I'm not sure if they are going to like what I tell them.

"Hello everybody." I start, "At this time, we need to make some arrangements for an event coming up soon."

"It's not the Enterprise Christmas Party is it, Captain?" asks Riker.

"I'm afraid it is, Number One." I answer.

A collective groan comes round from everybody, even Data, and he has his emotion chip turned off.

"I thought you liked the party?" I ask them.

"We do." answers Deanna, "But the preparation seems to take forever, and it is only September."

A murmur of agreement trickles around the room.

"Well, it's best if we can sort these things out early." I tell them, "We have to decide how we are going to hold the party. Last year we had it in The Sands holographic nightclub. Now this year, I suggest..."

Seven stands up and interrupts me.

"I know how your party shall take place, Locutus."

Everyone turns round, astonished. Geordi almost wakes up and Worf looks disgusted.

"Indeed?" I ask, "Perhaps you'd care to elaborate on that?"

Seven gets a small disk out and places it in the videoviewer.

"What you are seeing is a recording made by my Cube Leader, Borg Queen 01." she starts, "It was recorded specially for the time the Party was to be discussed so that she could tell you what to do."

A few unprintable comments are made by various members of staff at this time. Ensign Britney releases a few colourful expletives that are hardly Starfleet protocol.

I must say, I agree with her, though!

The screen comes on with a familiar face.

"Greetings Locutus and other Enterprise staff." starts the Borg Queen, "I hope you are well. As my representative Seven of Nine will have informed you, I have instructions for you as to how the Enterprise Christmas Party will be carried out."

"I can't believe her nerve!" comments Deanna.

"You will listen!" Seven snaps back, "Anyone who fails to listen will be assimilated. Now be quiet!"

We carry on listening.

"Earlier this year." the Borg Queen continues, "I had a meeting with the Alpha Borg Queen, who is the Supreme Leader of the Borg race. She was aware of the Party that you had every year, and asked if she could come this year. Naturally, I said you would be very honoured to have a guest...WOULD'NT YOU, LOCUTUS?"

My head falls on the table in shock. Beverly treats me for the bruise I get as we continue to listen.

"So I can see you're excited about that, Locutus." the Queen speaks, "This is what will happen. One of your holodecks will be made to look like a Borg Cube. Our resident group The Strolling Drones will play, Borg will serve meals and drinks while you welcome our Great Leader as a special guest of honour at the party. I will escort her there, and you will greet her. I look forward to seeing you at the party in December."

The picture goes off, and Seven speaks to us.

"There you are, Locutus." she says, "Our Supreme Leader will be visiting a human starship for the first time. It is a great privilege for you. Start preparing for the event."

Seven leaves the room, quite pleased that her message has been delivered.

I, in the meantime, continue to bang my head on the desk.

"There, there, Jean-Luc." Bev says to me quietly, "Perhaps it will all go quite well?"

"I'm sure it will, Beverly" I answer somewhat sarcastically, "The Alpha Borg Queen is likely to assimilate everyone if she doesn't like the vol-au-vants or I put a step wrong if I have to dance with her."

No one can say anything as they agree with me.

What a memorable Christmas Party THIS is going to be!

-------------------

Editor's Note:

For those who didn't see the answer in my comments in the previous post, the world's longest running police drama is the Scottish series 'Taggart'. It's been going 25 years, and is still called that even though the actor who played the title character died years ago.

TWQ: Your Karaoke Song

2008-09-13T10:14:00.000+01:00

Have you ever thought of getting up on stage to sing a karaoke song? TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about it.

What song would you sing if asked to play in a karaoke contest? Name a few if you can't decide.

My answers are:

The audience are likely to head for the exits when I start as I have an awful singing voice, but for those masochists who wish to stay, here is the list.

Firstly, it would be Dancing Queen by Abba,

Others would be Sweet Caroline or Cracklin' Rose by Neil Diamond

A personal favourite would be American Pie by Don McLean

Now it's over to you...

But before I go, here's a Bonus Quiz.

Can you name the longest running police drama in the world? No looking on the internet! I'll give you the answer later in the comments.

Ro Laren's Secret Assignment (Part Three)

2008-09-11T17:30:00.001+01:00

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

Things are going from bad to worse at Chez Silente!

Captain Picard assigned me to check on the Cardassian Ambassador Gul Vorak, who unknown to anyone, happens to be my boyfriend.

The two of us are at the restaurant trying to figure out what to do when the Captain and Beverly Crusher have arrived on a date. I have sneaked out and am watching them chat to Vorak, as they expect a contact to talk to him.

What do I do?

As I watch I see that Picard and Beverly are eying each other.

"Can't we go and have our meal, Jean-Luc?" whispers Beverly.

"Sure" he replies, "We can keep an eye on Vorak from our table."

This is my chance. I sneak into the kitchens and out into the alleyway. I'll have to gather my thoughts and figure how to solve everything.

The alleyway looks revolting. A real skid row place. There is a figure who spots me and approaches.

"Hey! Bajoran!" shouts the figure, who clearly has a female voice.

It's a Cardassian woman. Clearly, she doesn't like me.

"Want a fight, Bajoran?" she shouts, "Is that why you are here? I'll take you on anytime!"

Suddenly an idea comes to me that will solve all the problems. But I have to get her to co-operate. That isn't going to be easy. It's like talking to a snake.

"Who are you, Cardassian?" I ask.

"If it's any business of yours." she replies, "I'm Malana. What's it to you?"

"I'm Ro Laren." I tell her, "Would you like to have ten bars of latinum?"

"Who do I have to kill?" she answers with a laugh, "I hope it's you."

"Just go in the restaurant here, sit with the male Cardassian and tell him that you are sorry you are late for the date and imply you are a regular girlfriend."

"Are you for real, Bajoran?" Malana asks, "What's in it for you?"

"Never you mind." I reply, "Here are three bars; the other three will be here afterward."

She agrees and decides to go in. I return in the kitchen entrance, knock over a few waiters on the way, and watch behind the plant.

Malana enters, and sits with Vorak, going through the script. Picard seems content in knowing the Ambassador is only goes to see a Cardassian girlfriend, and not to do anything subversive.

After Picard and Beverly have gone, I approach Malana and tell her it's over.

"This will cost you, Bajoran." she says slyly, "I've figured it out what was going on. I'll keep quiet for now, but you may hear from me again."

----------------

The next morning, I present my report to the Captain.

He thanks me for it, but tells me that by chance he found out for himself.

"It seems the Ambassador just has a Cardassian girlfriend." he informs me, "He just likes a quiet evening out with her. We were suspicious for no reason, Ensign."

I've managed to hide my secret relationship from Cardassia, Bajor and the Federation. What about Melana? I suspect she will turn up like a bad credit sometime.

Ro Laren's Secret Assignment (Part Two)

2008-09-09T17:30:00.001+01:00

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

My boyfriend and I are in a fix!

He is Ambassador Vorak, a Cardassian, and as I'm a Bajoran, we are not supposed to have any sort of relationship, as our races despise each other.

Captain Picard has sent me on an assignment to check what Vorak is doing when he vanishes, as Starfleet suspect he may be a spy. What they don't know is that when he disappears, he is secretly with me on one of our dates!

What a fix! If my Bajorian friends knew, no one will speak to me and they would stop sending me copies of Bajor Today.

---------

"What are we going to do, sweetie?" Vorak asks, as we sit in the discreet restaurant Chez Silente.

"I've no idea." I reply, "Somehow, I've got to give a good reason for you staying out of sight, without exposing me as your girlfriend."

Things then get even worse as the restaurant door opens to show the last two people I wanted to see.

Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher enter. They are dressed in their favourite 1940's outfits. I know the Captain likes to play the PI Dixon Hill in his holodeck program. So, a secret date for the Captain and Doctor Crusher!

I dive under the table rapidly and crawl across the floor to where the tall plants are. The waiters merely raise an eyebrow as they step over me while carrying plates.

The Captain has seen Vorak. He and Beverly walk over to him. I am watching the scene from behind a Salassa plant from the planet Fawna.

"Greetings, Ambassador." Picard says to Vorak, "I was unaware you went to Chez Silente. Are you waiting for someone?"

"Ahh...er..." Vorak hesitantly answers, and looks to the empty chair that I was sitting on.

"Expecting company?" Picard continues, thinking that he is about to meet a spy there.

"Err...yes...." Vorak continues.

"Don't mind if we wait do you." the Captain continues, and then drifts off into some Federation small-talk that would bore people to tears.

Now I've got to make a big choice. Do I come forward and declare that I'm Vorak's date and end both our careers, do I leave Vorak behind....or is there a third alternative?

To be continued...

Ro Laren's Secret Assignment (Part One)

2008-09-07T18:00:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

"Ah, Ensign Ro." exclaims Captain Picard, "Please come in, I need to talk to you about a special assignment I have for you."

This sounds like trouble. There's an old adage about never volunteering for missions. On Bajor, we say if the Leader comes your way, it's time to hide.

No chance of doing that now. I enter the Captain's Ready Room. He has a cup of Earl Grey, all ready to drink. Deanna Troi is standing next to him.

"What is it, Captain?"

"We've had reports from Starfleet that Gul Vorak, the Cardassian Ambassador to Earth has been acting suspiciously recently." he starts, "On certain evenings, he drops out of sight and is nowhere to be found. I want you to track him and find out what he is up to."

Not that!

Vorak has been my secret boyfriend for a few months. We have to masintain a discreet relationship as the two of us would be ostracised from our respective societies. Bajorans and Cardassians are supposed to despise each other.

Captain Picard is asking me to spy on my boyfriend, who in truth is sneaking out to meet me in quiet, out of the way places. How can I get out of this?

"Vorak has a good reputation, Captain." I tell him, "I'm sure there is a perfectly good explanation."

"I'm surprised, Ensign." Picard replies, "I thought that you, a Bajoran, would delight in exposing a Cardassian as a possible spy."

"Are you alright, Ro?" asks Deanna, "I sense that you are extremely distressed for some reason."

That Betazed empathy she has!

I'll have to do it, otherwise someone else will get the mission. I'd rather be cleaning out warp plasma conduits.

"Err...very well, Captain, I'll be happy to do it."

"Excellent." he answers, "He is currently on Earth now. You can pick up his trail there tonight."

That's ironic. I was going to meet him there anyway!

------------

A few hours later, Vorak and I are holding hands in the Chez Silente restaurant, noted for it's discretion. The waiters are all Palas, a race of being who cannot speak.

I'm explaining the situation to Vorak.

"This is disasterous, sweetie." exclaims Vorak, "If we are found out it will be the end of our relationship as well as our careers."

"You're right." I reply, "We've got to try and solve this."

To be continued...

TWQ: Silly Song Titles

2008-09-06T09:30:00.000+01:00

TWQ (The Weekend Question) this week looks at weird titles for songs.

What strange and amusing song titles have you come across? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Black Pudding Bertha - The Goodies

The Funky Gibbon - The Goodies

Leap Up And Down (Wave Your Knickers In The Air) - St Cecilia

What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb) - Star Wars Intergalactic Choir and Chorale

There's A Guy Works Down the Chip Shop (Swears He's Elvis) - Kirsty MacColl

Two Pints Of Lager and a Packet Of Crisps Please - Splodgenessabounds

Now it's over to you...

Unimatrix Zero Mayoral Results

2008-09-03T17:00:00.000+01:00

Guest Poster: Annika Hansen

After all the Campaigning of shaking hands and kissing babies...or was it the other way around?...it is finally over.

In the subconsious world of Unimatrix Zero, where the true personalities of the people the Borg assimilated can come to light if they have the recessive gene, I have been running for Mayor against my former lover Axum, who ran off with another woman, the awful Vi Toran.

The less said about Axum the better. When I found out he was two-timing me, he was soon ejected from my cave. I think even my Borg counterpart Seven of Nine would be proud of me...if she knew I existed in her mind!

All the citizens are gathering at the Central Plaza in the middle of Unimatrix Zero. They are keen to find out who will be telling them what to do for the next session. I hear that exit polls are close.

Korris, who is my Klingon Campaign Manager stands with me on one side of the stage, while Axum and Vi Toran stand on the other.

"You're going down, Hansen!" she sneers, "My lover Axum will win easily."

"I will be triumphant!" I declare, "The first thing I'll do is make Bajorans pay twice as much tax!"

The two of us get ready to fight, but are pulled back by Korris and Axum.

"Annika." Korris tells me, "The results are to be announced."

The Returning Officer gets up to declare.

I would have thought the authorities would have picked someone better than a Chameloid. They're not exactly good for Unimatrix Zero Television.

"Here are the results of the Unimatrix Zero Mayoral Elections." he declares, "There are twenty-one districts. The candidate who wins the most districts will be judged the winner."

Vi Toran and I continue to stick our tongues out at each other while this is going on.

"Candidate Axum....10 districts." he declares, "Candidate Annika Hansen....10 districts. One district failed to deliver their votes in before the allotted time, so the contest is judged a draw."

"What!!" I shout, "A draw? What happens now? Do we have another vote?"

"No." says the Chameloid, "You and the other candidate must work together as joint Mayors until the term of your office runs out."

"I'm not working with that two-timer!" I state flatly.

"And I'm not working with that woman!" Axum says with equal force.

"You will have to." the Chameloid states, "Or otherwise give up your Mayoral claim."

"Well I'm not!" I shout.

"Neither am !" Axum retorts.

"So be it." the Chameloid concludes, "Unimatrix Zero will be run by two Mayors, Annika Hansen and Axum."

Vi Toran glares at me with venom.

I think the Mayoral tenure is going to be rather stormy.

Exploring In The Enterprise

2008-08-31T18:00:00.000+01:00

Now that Wes and Karena are married, the Enterprise can get back to exploring the galaxy and defending the Federation against invading aliens.

Woe betide the galaxy if any aliens invade when a wedding takes place, or we have personal issues to sort out!

Come to think of it, the staff will have to have a discussion about the Enterprise Christmas Party soon.

I digress. Let's do some exploring. Starfleet will get mad if we don't.

I step on the Bridge, ready to lead the ship into new frontiers. Bev walks past and into the turbolift as I enter.

"Don't forget our date at 20:00 tonight in Ten Forward, Jean-Luc." she whispers, "I've bought a new dress."

"I'll be there, Bev." I whisper back, and she leaves in the turbolift.

All those on the Bridge turn their heads back to face the viewer as if they have not being listening.

Riker finishes eating his donut.

"Don't forget you have to be present at Ensign Britney's latest disciplinary at 10:00, Captain." Riker reminds me.

I groan.

"What's she done this time?" I reply in exasperation.

"Throwing bread rolls at Guinan in Ten Forward." Riker answers, "Guinan tells me she's going to sort that little madam out, as she puts it."

"It looks like we've got to placate the situation there, Number One." I conclude, "Where are we heading, Mr Data?"

"The Carva Sector, Captain." Data answers, "It is a completely unexplored part of the Quadrant."

"That's great!" I exclaim, "A chance to see some new things, make First Contact. Proceed there at Warp Eight."

After we have been going for an hour, the Warp engines gring to a halt.

I wince. Deanna tells me not to worry, and gives me a stress pill.

"What's going on Mr LaForge?" I ask on my ComBadge.

"The Warp Drive is all broken down, Captain," Geordi answers, "I can patch it together for a while, but it needs to be looked at properly at a Starbase."

"Where is the nearest one?"

"Starbase 27 is two light years away." Riker answers, "We can limp there and get fixed. It'll mean no exploring for a day or so."

Why does the Enterprise always break down just when we want it to do something interesting? The guarantee on the replacement parts has probably ran out as well.

Ah well, there is always another time.

--------------------

Editor's Note:

The next post will be on Wednesday as I'm off to Brighton, so can only do two this week. This one and the Wednesday one is scheduled, so may not be able to comment on blogs.

TWQ: Impolite People

2008-08-30T09:30:00.000+01:00

This week's TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about your experiences with impolite people.

What difficulties have you had with rude and impolite people or with their children?

My answer is:

The best story I can remember is when on a flight back home from Russia, some French people all pushed their way in front of us in the queue out. One of our party had a real row with one of them. I would have joined the woman in supporting her, but felt gruesome at the time. The French eventually mumbled and grudgingly went to the back of the queue.

Now it's over to you...