Bison Bits

Crap No-one Needs, #15

2009-05-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

Twitter

In the beginning was the Blog, and man looked on the Blog and thought "I bet everyone wants to know what I did today" and he saw that it was good. And lo! the multitudes did sign up for Blogger accounts and did fill manifold servers with their inane writings. But in time the masses did rend their clothes and wail unto the heavens, saying "I know not what to write today, I've run out of ideas!" and they did resort to posting photographs and YouTube videos in their shame.

Yet in the midst of their trial, deliverance was at hand. Twitter came from on high, promising that you needed less than 140 characters for a post, and suddenly the air was filled with utterly pointless drivel from people clearly laboring under the misapprehension that the world gave a flying fuck where they were about to eat lunch. And many worthless wankers with too much time on their hands were released from the drudgery of having to write actual paragraphs, and could now post a hundred times a day, and still say nothing.

Seriously, I don't care if your Twitter buddies are all your best mates and really care what you're doing in a way that strangers never could, it still doesn't excuse the kind of fucking crap I read this morning:

"I slept late today but now I need coffee and breakfast."

Really? Wow! Glad I didn't miss out on those pearls of wisdom. Just imagine if I'd had to live my whole life without knowing that. Are you going to take a big dump later as well? Maybe you can let us all in on the secret of how many sheets you used when wiping, or what color the wallpaper in your bog is?

One day, when the Emperor's New Clothes effect has subsided a little, people will look back at Twitter and wonder just what the fuck they were thinking...

Crap No-one Needs, #14

2009-04-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

The Presidential Dog

You'd never know that we were in the midst of the worst recession since the Great Depression, that General Motors was contemplating bankruptcy, or that pirates were terrorizing the high seas. No, today's big story was that the US President, Commander in Chief of the armed forces, the most powerful person in the free world, bought a fucking dog. Don't give me all that crap about "people being interested", in an attempt to justify why the US media was all fawning over the presidential kids and their new puppy - it's symptomatic of the craven deference they show to this most unqualified of presidents.

But don't imagine for a moment that El Presidente didn't finely calculate the spin value of this touching "family moment". It wasn't a spontaneous event which happened to be captured but a carefully stage-managed and manipulative attempt to show how "normal" Obastard is, so we can all forget how he's plunging us into debt, committing $86 billion to Iraq and Afghanistan that he vehemently opposed when Bush wanted to do it, and reneging on just about every campaign promise he made. So long as he can keep spoon-feeding the liberal media there's no chance they'll dig into his dirty secrets. We can stay in the dark about his illegal immigrant aunt, his lying alleged sex criminal half brother and his tax-avoiding cronies.

He got some minor criticism for not getting a rescue dog like he "promised", but there's a more fundamental question: with the media as his devoted lap-dog, why did he need a puppy at all?

Sheraton Shit

2009-03-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

And the award for Shittest Hotel Of The Week goes to .... the Sheraton! I checked out of the Sheraton at Brussels Airport yesterday, having done nothing but sleep, make two phone calls (using a free-phone number) and eat their crappy buffet breakfast. At check out I was presented with a bill which included two charges of 2.75 Euro each (nearly $4 each) for the two phone calls.

Leaving aside the fact that they don't make their habit of charging for using the phone for a free call obvious by, say, putting a sign on the phone, the fact that they charge at all is complete bullshit. When I'm paying the equivalent of $240 a night for a hotel room, I expect it to come with a few basics, like a TV, a shower, some shampoo and a working telephone. There's no cost for them if I make a free phone call, so why are they charging me? The argument I've heard in the past is that it covers the cost of maintaining the phone system, but they don't charge separately per viewing hour to maintain the TV system, and they don't charge you each time you flush the bog to cover the cost of the plumbing so this is obviously bollocks.

The dopey bitch at the checkout desk had the cheek to ask if I wanted to accept the donation on my bill to a charity that they had added. I refused and suggested they take the donation out of their bullshit thieving telephone charge instead. Fucking wankers.

Happy Birthday Darling

2009-03-02T18:54:00.000-08:00

Mrs Bison was out tonight, picking up Bison Daughter from her dance class, when she managed to get herself pulled over for speeding. She turned into a car park and the police car pulled up behind her. A woman police officer got out, which immediately struck her as bad news, since she figured she was much more likely to catch a break from a man. (I'm not sure how she worked this out - she's never been pulled over in her life up until now. Probably watched too many cop movies. Just as well it wasn't a male officer or she may have gone all "Cool Hand Luke car wash" on him.)

Anyway, she handed over her license and insurance, and after a minute the officer returned and told her she was getting a verbal warning. Mrs Bison thanked her, and told her that was the best birthday present she'd had. The officer said she hadn't noticed that it was her birthday, wished her a happy birthday and sent her on her way.

It's a good result, I know, but it doesn't say a lot about my birthday present buying skills does it?

Fix It First

2009-03-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

Hey, here's a novel idea. Instead of increasing taxes on the wealthy, why not just collect the tax that's already owed? Obastard doesn't seem to be able to swing a cat without hitting senior Democrats who haven't paid their taxes, and they all earn a shitload more than me. And these are the alleged intellectual "cream" - the people we're supposed to embrace as new cabinet members.

The problem with taxes is that they're all done on the honor system. People like me, who pay our taxes honestly so we can sleep easy at night, are subsidizing scum like this crowd (and Wesley Snipes) who seem to reason (apparently correctly) that the very worst that will happen if they cheat and get caught is that they'll be asked to pay up. Eventually. The IRS even does deals with tax cheats so they can pay less than what they owe.

How about bulking up IRS enforcement and making people pay the tax they already owe, before increasing taxes that will only be paid by those of us honest enough not to cheat? It shouldn't be hard to scrape up a few billion - just start with an audit of everyone who donated to the Obama campaign. Unfortunately "Increasing The Number Of Tax Inspectors" doesn't strike the same populist note as "Taxing The Rich", so don't hold your breath...

Whose Fucking Money Is It?

2009-03-01T15:49:00.000-08:00

What the fuck is wrong with politicians? Here we are in the middle of a fucking recession, with the US government running a giant deficit and adding to it with $800 billion in unfunded "stimulus" spending (AKA giveaways to losers), and what do I read today? Hilary fucking Clinton is going to give another $900 million of US taxpayers' money to the fucking Palestinians in Gaza.

Listen, bitch, it's not your money to give. If people want to pay for the fucking Palestinians to rebuild their country then by all means let them give their money, but who the fuck appointed you to give my money away to a bunch of fucking foreign wankers who repeatedly fire rockets at the bloody Israelis and then seem surprised when they get bombed in return. Fucking politicians can't stop themselves spreading around other people's money with the abandon of an incontinent dog spraying fire hydrants, even as more and more of the banking system seems poised to collapse.

Why not use the money to build some roads here, repair some of our bridges, or even, heaven forbid, reduce the fucking tax burden on those of us who earned the fucking money in the first place. You vacuous fucking bitch.

Go Easy On Us

2009-02-28T14:09:00.000-08:00

In a sign that stupidity is a global commodity this story from the UK is about the possible introduction of a US-style "mercy rule" in youth soccer. The game would apparently end if one team took a 9-0 lead over another, to spare the losers' self esteem, or something.

That's such bollocks on so many levels. For a start, when I used to play soccer as a kid I wanted to keep playing. I would have played all day if I could - even ninety minutes wasn't enough. I played because I enjoyed scoring goals (or saving them, on those occasions when I was stupid enough to play goalie), so why would I give up and go home if there was game time left and still a chance that we could score even once?

Those kids who never experience losing hard risk growing up to be whiny adults who can't handle it when bad shit happens. My over-30s team contains some players who basically give up if we get so far behind that we can't win. What's the deal with that? Grow a fucking spine and play hard. We might lose, but at our age what the fuck are we playing for anyway? It certainly ain't the World Cup.

Bass Lust

2009-02-19T19:14:00.000-08:00

There are some things in life which you can't look at without wanting to own one. The Rickenbacker bass has always been in this category for me, ever since I bought Motorhead's "No Sleep Til Hammersmith" live album and first heard Lemmy playing that thing like a rhythm guitar.

Yes, I own a bass guitar (Fender P) but for as well as I can play (i.e. not very) I can't bring myself to buy a Rickenbacker. At least not yet. It would be like buying an Aston Martin before passing your driving test. But one day, when I have time to play more regularly, and when I deserve one...

Tell me that guitar isn't a genuine thing of beauty!

Useless Obastard

2009-02-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

Maybe the great American public is starting to realize that they've been had. All that bullshit from Obastard about how he was going to end the war in Iraq, solve the credit crisis, single handedly save the economy and make everyone live happily ever after, and guess what? Nothing.

We have a so-called stimulus package which is really just a massive entitlements and pork program, a giveaway to all the special interests like ACORN who bankrolled Obastard's election. We have a raft of useless, tax-cheat dicks being appointed to key government posts. Obastard's senate replacement is a corrupt, lying fuckstain who should never have been seated. The automakers, who should be bankrupt, are being bailed out with more of our money, so they can pay off Obastard's contributors at the UAW with more gold-plated redundancies and free health-care while the rest of the nation struggles with real life.

And what's happened to the stock market in the face of this "historic, bold action". It dropped even further. It's about time the liberal media abandoned their sickly hero worship and started holding these wankers accountable for their lies, their wasteful spending of other people's money, their corruption and their incompetence, because you can bet your bollocks if it was Bush they'd be all over his arse by now.

New Fucking Piece of Shit

2009-02-14T16:24:00.000-08:00

Chia Shit

2008-12-22T05:30:00.001-08:00

Here's a Yuletide suggestion: if you've considered buying anyone a Chia pet this year, perhaps you should seriously consider euthanasia as a lifestyle choice. Maybe back thirty years ago the idea of growing organic green "hair" on a clay body was a novelty, but who's buying these things today?

They were actually advertising the things on network TV here last week, which was frankly amazing to me. Are there really enough people who can be persuaded to rush out and get a Chia head for their nephews and nieces so as to justify a TV ad campaign? Beer, cars, phone companies and boner pills I understand advertising, but Chia pets?

Pity the poor bastard who wakes up to one of those things on Christmas morning.

"What's in this box? Is it a phone? A Nintendo DS? An iPod?" Cue rustling of paper.

"What the fuck is this? Terrific. No need to head out to that New Year's party next week now - I can stay here and have just as much fun spreading seeds on this bastard."

Spare Some Change

2008-12-20T20:11:00.000-08:00

It's time to plan the Christmas festivities. This year's plan involves food, drink and no further planning. There's no travel required and hopefully a minimum of stress. When Mrs Bison was still a girl, her mother, faced with a relaxing Christmas at home, apparently used to talk about finding a tramp and bringing him home for Christmas dinner, a suggestion met, unsurprisingly, with horror from her offspring. I don't know whether she ever seriously considered getting a tramp in, or whether it was just a guilt reaction to having a nice Christmas with good food in a warm home. Maybe she just missed the scent of urine around the house or something.

Yesterday, Mrs Bison was at a school party with Bison Daughter and this other mother asked what we were doing for Christmas. When she heard that we were going to be "alone" with "only one child" and "no family" she instantly invited us for Christmas dinner. Mrs Bison was not happy - in spite of the apparent good intentions she loathed being thought of as a charity case - we actually enjoy having Christmas at home, and it would be hard to imagine anything worse than having to be "on good behavior" at someone else's house, rather than relaxing unkempt with Cadbury's chocolate liqueur and Scotch while Bison Daughter savages Christmas presents at home.

I can only imagine the reaction at the other woman's house if we'd said "yes". We'd be like the tramp from Mrs Bison's childhood, except that we'd actually show up. Hopefully without the urine smell and masturbating in public, but probably no less unwelcome. Narrow escape...

Thistle Be Great

2008-12-15T17:43:00.000-08:00

Back last month Jaggy offered to send me some local delicacy from Scotland, after I sent him a bag of beer chips by airmail. I didn't take him up on the offer, partly because the ruinous cost of international food shipment is not something you'd wish on anyone, especially a mate, but mainly because delicacies from Scotland fall into two unsuitable categories. Firstly there are things that are excellent but perishable, and therefore not ideal for putting in a box, in a plane. Half the time things that are sent by airmail actually end up coming by sea, and a haggis that had traveled the world for six weeks would be a risky thing to tangle with. Then there are other things which are excellent and non-perishable, but are out of all proportion to a simple packet of potato chips. 16 year-old Lagavulin would be a case in point - it would be too much to ask for, even if I could trust the post office not to drink/break it. (Fat chance.) Plus, I can already buy it down the road here.

So I didn't think any more about it until today, when an unexpected gift arrived from the old country: Campbells All Butter Shortbread. I used to stay in a hotel in the UK that had these shortbread fingers in the room, along with the tea and coffee, and I was incapable of saving them, taking them home or otherwise not eating them on the spot. So to get a whole packet is a treat indeed. Since Mrs Bison got the mail today, I won't have any choice but to share them this time, but I suppose that's only fair. Without her, Jaggy's beer chips would still be sitting in a cupboard, waiting for me to get my arse down to the post office...

Hard To Draw

2008-11-28T18:35:00.000-08:00

It's the day after Thanksgiving, and in celebration of this important American festival we decided not to go anywhere near the shops, thus avoiding being trampled to death in a Walmart by hysterical bargain-hunting scum. There being nothing to watch on TV either we broke down and acceded to Bison Daughter's wish to play Pictionary. Normally family board games would rank somwehere below involuntary colonoscopy on the list of fun ways I'd like to spend my evening, but I decided to bring a bit of Norman Rockwell traditional family living to my Thanksgiving.

So anyway, Bison Daughter gets a card out of the box and looks at it quizically.

"This word has two meanings and I don't know which one it's supposed to be."
"It doesn't matter if it's the same word," I reply "just draw whichever one you want."

So she draws a piece of paper with writing on it and highlights the end of the sentence. I'm guessing "full stop" since I occasionally still speak English the way nature intended, but Mrs Bison correctly guesses the American equivalent, "period".

Then I'm thinking "Jesus, I'm glad she didn't choose to draw the other meaning..."

The Pendulum Swings

2008-11-19T18:19:00.000-08:00

Did you notice how no-one is talking about "high gas prices" anymore? I paid $1.69 a gallon today and filled up my monstrous V8 engined truck for less than $30. On the way out I laughed at a Prius driver as he crawled along in his ugly scarab-like transportation with its inbuilt "scrap it when the battery dies" obsolescence. Yeah, not so smug now are we, green boy?

You can't get a balanced opinion from the media anymore - everything is a "disaster" or "unprecedented", and requires "urgent government action". The truth is that life goes in cycles - gas gets expensive and then it gets cheap. Houses get overpriced and then they get underpriced. Banks lend to everyone with a pulse and then lend to no-one at all. Voters elect liberal cockmunchers, then remember why they shouldn't and go on to elect Republicans. Even the weather was supposed to be "cold, with highs in the 40's all week", just because it was cold on Sunday and they couldn't seem to imagine it ever getting warm again. It was back up to 60F the next day.

Maybe it's time to buy a nice big SUV and start preparing for global cooling.

A Genuine Opportunity

2008-11-03T17:15:00.000-08:00

I, along with everyone else with a functioning e-mail address, receive frequent opportunties to invest in Nigerian money laundering schemes, confirm my bank password via a website that doesn't actually have anything to do with my bank, and provide any number of other personal details to enable someone in Russia or Africa to steal from me. In this age of increasingly creative and realistic phishing schemes, I appreciate the effort that someone has taken to try and separate me from my hard-earned cash.

The example below, which I received recently, is just taking the piss though:

Greetings,

My name is MR Arkadyevich Abramovich a Crude Oil merchant in Russia,
i have a profiling amount in an excess of US$55 Million Dollars in
a financial institution in Europe, and can you be my partner on this?

God be with you.

MR Arkadyevich Abramovich

Is this really the best you can do? You want to steal my money but you're not even prepared to spend fifteen minutes concocting an interesting cover story? How about something involving a civil war, hidden diamonds and a prince on the run? And just because I live in America it doesn't mean I don't know who the real Abramovich is. It's like sending out a letter purporting to be from Donald Trump, asking if you'd like to be in on his next building project. You lazy motherfuckers - I expect better than this from my internet criminals.

"A Little Scary"

2008-11-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

OK, I know I just complained about how half the searches that bring up my site seem to be about animal sex, and one might assume that a sensible approach to the problem would be to cut down on the number of references. Trouble is, as subjects go it's just so funny.

Anyway, I came across the attached cartoon, and it's so perfect that I had to bring it to the attention of my non-St.Louis readers. The link below takes you to the first - it's a series of five, so don't forget to click through to Part Five.

HALLOWEEN.

If you don't think this is funny, you're probably one of the people who ended up here because you actually wanted animal sex...

There's No Hope...

2008-11-01T06:24:00.000-07:00

From time to time I've noted the kind of search phrases that people have used when they've pulled up my site. I accept that with my "creative use of language" I might get a few obscene searches coming my way, but it seems that's all I get these days. Below is today's top list of search phrases, exactly as they appeared (spelling mistakes included):

animal sex
animal blowjobs
sex anemal
animal man sex
women taking a shit
nude wedding photos
nude wedding pics
animal blow jobs
Nude wedding night pics
female women getting fucked by four legged animals

There's really no hope, is there? I should give up now, as my audience apparently consists of bestiality-obsessed perverts and wedding-sex fetishists. By the way, isn't "female women" somewhat redundant? Or is this a necessary clarification in these increasingly transgender times?

I should publish a picture of a pig in a wedding dress, taking a shit while fucking a woman - it seems I'd be the most popular site around...

Crispy Fried Sex

2008-10-22T17:21:00.000-07:00

I don't believe people come to this site looking for advice; in fact, if my site statistics are anything to go by, people mostly come here by accident while searching for stuff about animal sex. I therefore generally refrain from giving it, partly because you don't want it, but mostly because I can't be arsed. Anyway, giving advice is only fun if the recipients have to give you excruciatingly embarrassing details of their (preferably sexual) problem first.

Today, though, I'm going to break with tradition and recommend strongly that, if you haven't already done so, you go out and buy Beer Chips. Mrs Bison brought these things home from the store a while back and they are, quite simply, outstanding. I could eat a whole bag without stopping. I'm trying to cut down on useless carbs right now but it doesn't matter. These things are capable of disabling willpower on contact.

How could you go wrong when you combine beer (good) and chips (good). These things are great, like sex, only sex that's been lightly salted and deep fried. Do yourself a favor and get some.

This Way Up

2008-10-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

Normally when it comes to a roast chicken it's me who has their hand up its arse, removing the giblets, and me who oils it before laying it in a roasting dish with some potatoes and lard. Today, however, I disappeared with Bison Daughter to buy a halloween costume, leaving Mrs Bison to explore the nether regions of the chicken, a task which she loathes. Eventually the bird was cooked and she dragged me away from the Dallas-Arizona football game to complain about it. The chicken was on a plate and she'd started carving it but there didn't seem to be any meat on it. It was all bones, and appeared to have been squashed at some point.

"This is bullshit" exclaimed I, "where did you buy this? Take a photo - we're getting our money back on this."

Fortunately I took a moment to try turning it over, and there was all the meat, along with a plastic timer which was sticking up. She'd roasted it upside down. It turned out to be an excellent dinner, regardless of which way the chicken was sitting in the oven. Actually, the meat was more tender than usual, so maybe we should try this again. It's not like Mrs Bison doesn't know how to cook a chicken, you understand. However, she blamed the mistake on the trauma she experienced handling its entrails, because I wasn't there to do it. So obviously it's my fault...

Why Now?

2008-10-05T05:31:00.000-07:00

So there I was on the flight from Boston to Paris last Thursday. It's a short flight so I was in two minds whether to drug myself and sleep, in case I was still a zombie when we landed. (I had to shower and go straight to a four hour meeting at the other end.) I was in my seat as the other passengers boarded, and who should come and sit in the window seat next to me but this gorgeous blonde. (By this I mean "natural gorgeous, not fake tits and make-up.)

We took off, and I was just thinking how nice it was to have bonus seat-mate quality, when the flight attendant came over and tapped me on the shoulder. "Mr Bison - we have two open seats behind you here, if you'd like to move over?"

What could I say? I love having the empty seat next to me, to put all my crap in during the flight, and the poor blonde wouldn't have to climb over my comatose form to get out of her seat if I moved. So I did. I have to say, though, that it was not without sadness. It's not that I was going to actually talk to her during the flight - I was going to be comatose, remember - but it's such a waste only to have the option to move when my seatmate is small and attractive, rather than the obese, snoring gutbucket that I usually get stuck next to.

Funny how the little things bother you when you travel...

Crap No-one Needs, #13

2008-09-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

Joke Ties

We've all seen them, and some of us have received them as gag Christmas gifts. They're those novelty ties with humorous images of sheep copulating, or naked girls, or hamsters fellating each other. The exact details don't matter - they're always a variation on the theme of "joke sex". What they all have in common is that you may as well toss them straight in the trash because you'll never wear them.

Let's face it, in these "business casual" times, on the rare occasion most of us have to wear a tie it's because the situation is important. In a business context it means a meeting with an important client, or maybe a photo opportunity for a trade publication, neither of which really call out for a tie with the image of a cartoon pig humping another cartoon pig with the caption "makin' bacon" emblazoned underneath.

If it's a personal occasion the chances are that someone just died. Nothing says "whatever, people die all the time" like a joke tie with naked women on it. Who buys all these fucking things? I can understand the occasional joke gift but that surely can't account for the sheer number of these crappy accessories sold every year.

Remember: nothing says "I am a colossal horse's arse" like a novelty tie. Except, perhaps, a big neon sign which reads "I am a colossal horse's arse". You know what I mean...

Crap No-one Needs, #12

2008-09-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

The St.Louis Rams

When I moved to St.Louis the Rams were going through their Tony Banks phase and comprehensively sucked arse; I didn't count myself a fan. Likewise, when they became the "greatest show on turf" I didn't suddenly become a fan - to be a real fan you have to suffer through the crap years and not just show up when a team starts winning. Nevertheless St.Louis is my home town now and I always liked to see the Rams do well. But Leonard Little changed that.

It's not enough that he killed a woman while driving drunk and got off with a slap on the wrist, but he got stopped again drinking and driving, and this time got off on a technicality. You'd think that killing someone might ensure that you thought twice before driving drunk again, but apparently not. So what did the no-class Rams organization do? Did they cut this shitbag? No, they rallied around like he was some sort of victim and he kept his multi-million dollar paycheck. And no-one mentions that he killed someone's mother anymore.

Let's put this in perspective - Michael Vick, the ex-Atlanta quarterback, is in jail for killing some dogs. He might never play again. The PETA brigade would have him stoned to death in the street if they got the chance. Where the fuck were all these outraged people when a human being was killed? As far as I'm concerned the Rams can go 0-16 this year, and fuck right off.

Fringe Benefits

2008-09-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

While I was out buying a parakeet yesterday, Mrs Bison was busy getting her hair cut. She seems to have immense difficulty finding someone she can use repeatedly who won't fuck it up, and this time she tried yet another different hairdresser, in the mall. The haircut looks fine, but apparently the Russian girl who cut it was rough, unfriendly and seemingly uninterested in knowing what the customer wanted before she started.

Worse than that, she had very large breasts in a low cut top and kept shoving them in my wife's face every time she leaned over her. You know, come to think of it, my hair's getting a bit long too...

Watch What You Pay

2008-09-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's a well-established law of life that stuff breaks just when it is least convenient. For instance shoe laces only break when you're rushing to leave the house for some important meeting, and when you have no idea where the replacement laces (that you bought a year ago for this very eventuality) are now located. Since I had only a short time at home this weekend between returning from one business trip and leaving for another, it only stands to reason that my (one and only) watch should choose this moment to stop working.

It didn't exactly stop - it just started telling weird time, a good sign that the battery was giving up the ghost. So this necessitated a trip to the mall and the crappy kiosk which replaces batteries.

I was prevented from approaching the spotty kid at the kiosk by an Indian family who had got there just ahead of me, along with a collection of about fifteen watches that the father seemed undecided what he wanted to do with. "Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off" I was thinking, as my miniscule weekend drained away. Eventually I got to the desk and asked the kid how long it would take. About 25 minutes was the response. The cost? "Twenty five dollars, which includes a five year guarantee."

Something made me suspicious that there was a better price available.
"Is that the only option?"
"You can have it done for $14.99 but that only has a one year guarantee. For the five year we replace the seal and do testing, otherwise it will void your warranty from Guess."
Note that my Guess watch must be ten years old and I'm sure it didn't cost $50 even then. I'm not even sure it had a warranty, but it must have expired long ago. I looked at the kid.
"I bet it's the same battery in each case, right?"
"Yes the battery is the same."
"So it clearly can last five years - why would I pay more for the five year guarantee?"
"After a year you can bring it back if it stops working."
Stupid bastard.
"Just do the one year version, OK?"

It's bad enough paying $14.99 for a battery that costs about $1 to be installed, but needs must when you're short of time. The higher price is pure scam though, and I hate people that try to rip you off. Wankers.