Destined to be the "crazy cat woman"

Please send reinforcements

2009-11-27T14:12:00.004-05:00

When we arrived at Mr. MFBa's parents house he immediately wanted to leave. As in I called my mom to tell her we were coming immediately because he wanted to load the car and leave. We stayed it was moderate hell for him and I was happy and fine because I was drugged up every.single.minute. Three was not a moment in which I was not on klonopin. I was smooth and cordial if not challenged in the coordination department.

Now we are at my mom's and I have been merrily cooking. Then Mr. MFBA decided to go off on a screaming rant and I do mean screaming rant about me ignoring himat his parent house. I have no idea what brought it on but it was loud full of cuss words and weird. My mom even got a fuck you from him. I refused to speak to speak to him as long as he was screaming.

Then my grandmother called to do her usual bullshit saying she wasnt coming. I told her that if I had to roll her ass out of the house she was coming. We leave to pick her and my grandfather up in an hour. It should be a blast (not). However the food will rock and that is all that matters to me.

More klonopin is in order. I hate the holidays. There is no reason it should be this way.

And the plan is klonoplan

2009-11-25T09:01:00.002-05:00

I've had a massive headache since yesterday morning* so my plan for the day is one of procrastination and drugs. I plan to pack at the very last possible moment, drug myself when we reach the half-way point, drug Mr. MFBA shortly before arrival, and take the other half of my pill when we pull in the driveway. If I wasn't serious I would be laughing my ass off at how funny that sounds. Here's a broad overview of our plan:

- In a move to save us both we have moved back today's departure time from morning to afternoon and will leave immediately following dinner tomorrow instead of Friday morning. Will it still, most likely, suck? You betcha but it is an improvement.

- Drugs. There is not a drop of alcohol in their house. We rarely drink so one would think this wouldn't matter but it's amazing how much it does. Obviously, it's the very idea that something could lighten the mood so in lieu of belly shots we will use prescription drugs. My doctor wrote me a script for klonopin, the first she has written since August 2008. I have a plan in my head for the timing of the pills but that really show how anal I can be so I will leave it as this: I intend to keep the edges smooth the entire time I am in or near their house without falling asleep in the potatoes.

- Avoidance. Making as any trips out as possible. Friends to visit, we will find them. If not that homeless guy by the river could use a friend. Target, what we forgot diapers?. Kroger, you mean there's no whole milk? Pineapple, yes he needs a long walk and it is too dark to walk on this road. We actually do this one every time we are there so I'm certain they have realized that we cannot possibly need to leave as frequently as we do.

Here's hoping that your turkey day is a lot simpler than mine! Happy Thanksgiving!

*I sincerely hope that the majority of you do not have people in your family that make you this stressed and if you do that you can avoid them like the plague on the holidays.

The stress of Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T08:41:00.003-05:00

With the exception of last year we always eat Thanksgiving dinner with my family and go to Mr. MFBA's the next day. The time at my mom's house is always nice (ignoring the grandparent factor). It's relaxed, we can joke and laugh, essentially be ourselves. The dread really sets in when we head to the in-laws. It's like a staged production of people acting like they think they should. e have come to realize that only one thing makes it less stressful: my brother and sister-in-law not being there. Mr. MFBA and his brother do not get along, never have at any point in their lives.* The family dynamics** make for a sucky time.

This year we agreed to eat with his family on Thursday and mine on Friday. I have not been stressed about their dinner because the brother always eats with his wife's family. On the other hand, I was concerned that it would take many klonopin and alcohol to get through dinner at my mom's house due to the ever increasing craziness and/or assiness of my grandparents. Especially after the screaming match my mom had with my grandfather last week; at the hospital no less.

This morning I saw on my niece's FB page that she and her family will be traveling to WV for Thanksgiving dinner. What? In nearly 25 years of marriage his brother has never, not once, eaten dinner at his parents house. I know they have a habit of altering their travel plans to match ours but I never imagined they would come to Thanksgiving dinner.

I feel like an ass but I can't help it; they drive me absolutely nuts. Since 7:30 this morning we have shifted our arrival time from Wednesday afternoon to shortly before dinner on Thursday. We're using Nonami's illness*** as our excuse. Now, I am secretly hoping that a newborn or immune deficiency will be there so we can stay at my mom's house.

I am horrible, someone will probably slip turkey in to my drink.

*I could rant about this forever but for now I will leave it at this: they live 10 minutes from us but we only see them when we are in WV.

**This also involves how everyone else acts towards the brother. It's enough to make one vomit.

***He's been sick since Friday with gastroenteritis turned raging ear infection.

It's not leukemia!

2009-11-20T07:58:00.003-05:00

The nurse at the hematologist's office called yesterday to tell me just that and that is exactly what she said to me. That's wonderful news because leukemia was the worst-case scenario. Yeah good news!

On Tuesday, the doctor told me that my numbers (543 and 473) are just over and under the number of 500,000 that would indicate something other than a reactive result. So she did not want to diagnose or treat until more definitive blood tests are run. That still leaves me waiting for my next appointment in 6 weeks but it will certainly be easier to wait knowing that the worst thing is now my spleen.

Mine would say Ms. Highly Opinionated

2009-11-16T11:48:00.004-05:00

This was on the both sides and the rear of the car. I can't help but feel sorry for the people around her. Seriously, if you are bossy enough to know it and proudly display it on your car then you might need therapy and a paint job.

How bout taking that oncology part out?

2009-11-13T09:53:00.002-05:00

The latest blood draw ordered by my family doctor came back with the same but slightly better results, my platelets while lower are still too high. My doctor sent the results to a hematologist. That office called and set up an appointment for Tuesday saying they would mail me some paperwork to fill out ahead of time.

When I pulled the envelope out of the mailbox yesterday the words Oncology Hematology were screaming up from the left-hand corner. Of course this simply means that oncologists and hematologists are in the same building and currently has no bearing on my test results but_____ (insert whatever words come to mind when waiting for medical news).

I hate waiting. I am hopeful that Tuesday will bring about some answers or at least provide me with something more definitive than another CBC order. That would also provide me some relief from my mom who is now convinced I have a rare blood disorder.*

*She has been calling almost daily to see if I am exhibiting any symptoms.

Veteran's Day

2009-11-11T10:17:00.001-05:00

Thank you to all the men and women that are serving, have served, or gave their lives for our country.

The forest for the trees

2009-11-10T10:29:00.002-05:00

Or rather the car for the trees...

A report card that made me smile

2009-11-06T16:04:00.005-05:00

You won't see me updating my Facebook status to proclaim, "ccw is thrilled that Teen L had only one D on her report card", but here in the blog-o-sphere I will shout TEEN L ONLY HAD 1 D AND SHE HAD 3 A's ON HER REPORT CARD!!!

A - choir, something in a non-ADHD world I would dismiss but she never did better than a B last year so I'm cheering!

A - a class similar to home ec, I'm iffy on this one but I can't sew so I won't judge.

A - Spanish, she did well in her novice class last year but never beyond a B+. This is her very first A* in a "real" class.

C's - math, science, and language arts. Mid to high C's.

D - social studies and solely because of missing work. Also, on the plus side, it was a 67.5 so closer to a C than a failing grade.

I know there are kids who would be afraid to show their parents a report card like this and parents who would threaten to kill their children but not here in our house when it comes to Teen L. I know the struggling, fighting, and crazy making behavior is not over but for now I will enjoy this moment, her best report card in years, smiling.

* Since she switched to letter grades in 5th grade.

Dear Miss Hand Sticker,

2009-11-05T12:51:00.003-05:00

Dear Miss Hand Sticker,

When I said it was okay that you were unable to draw blood from my hand I lied. It was not okay because your prodding really hurt. I do give you credit for not trying again.

Sincerely,

ccw's hand that hurts and did not give up the blood

Permission to gripe...

2009-11-04T09:08:00.002-05:00

...or be rude depending upon how you see things.

How's your irritability? How's your anger? These are typically the first two questions my psychiatrist asks me when I sit down in the chair.* My answer is usually something along the line of I am nice to people outside of the house but a raging bitch at home.

At my last appointment my answer was reversed. I have been somewhat calmer at home but find myself wanting to eviscerate those not in my house. "That's good", she says, "it's more important to treat those closest to you well".

So when I called the salesman at a car dealership a dick before stomping out - all good.

When I devoted tons of time to trying to force the general manager at the dealership we purchased our car from to fix the bad paint spot - a great use of my energy.

Getting rude with the telemarketer after I nicely said, "I'm not interested" twice - all good, too.

Having a fit when the nurse wanted to weigh me and raving about psychiatric drugs, my 20 pound weight gain, etc - just fine.

The list goes on and on but to my doctor so long as I am not getting physical with any one I am okay and making progress. I'm trying not to make too much of her advice but it is quite liberating know it isn't necessarily a big deal. Plus, I should calm down eventually.

*I always chose the same chair and there is no couch. Though I wonder if would lie on the couch if that was an option.

I'm still dying or not

2009-11-03T17:21:00.002-05:00

Today was my appointment with my family doctor to discuss my high platelet count. As I assumed would happen he opted not to discuss the issue too much since it could be nothing, something, or a mix that could be treated or not in any number of ways. After an hour and 45 minutes I left with new order for a blood draw.

I will have that done tomorrow and he will call me with the results. If the count is still high, he's not exactly sure how we will proceed. So for now I'm dying or not.

Halloween 2009

2009-11-02T08:54:00.002-05:00

Too busy banging my head off the wall to post

2009-10-30T13:09:00.002-05:00

Car dealership hell which I had assumed ended when we purchased the car is not over. Last night, we came to an even bigger ~~pissing match~~ impasse.

There are three solutions: they will fix what needs to be fixed, we will have it fixed elsewhere and pay for it ourselves, or I will accidentally drive over him when we return the car and cancel the sale.

Friday evening could be lively

Our new car

2009-10-28T08:32:00.003-05:00

It's been a long time coming but we finally have a new (to us) car for Mr. MFBA. While I know he is super sad about driving this on a daily basis as opposed to my 1994 Sentra that he has been ninja-ing in to every day for the last few months since the door broke, I am certain that he can some how adjust.

The journey to purchasing this car was paved with months of internet shopping, multiple trips to the dealership, nasty conversations, a complaint filed with Acura, the BBB, the Ohio AG's office, a call to the VP of the automotive group, and lastly the phone call from the sales manager of this dealership.

They probably just wanted to shut me up and keep me from complaining to anyone else.* That's fine with me. We have the exact car that we wanted, at the price that we wanted. I haven't driven it yet but from the test drive and time we spent sitting in the driveway last night trying to figure everything out I know I will love it as much as Mr. MFBA does.

*I'm not buying the "we just want to keep you in the ____ Acura family" line that was used.

Giving up on Google, MD for now

2009-10-27T09:54:00.003-05:00

Last week, I had a ridiculously long order for blood work. Usually the order will just include lithium and lamictal levels but since I have been feeling so tired my psychiatrist wanted to check my thyroid, look for anemia, or any medical (non-psychiatric) reason. I went to yesterday's appointment hoping to be told that I simply need to take iron pills. No such luck, my tiredness cannot be accounted for by anything in my draw results. It is most likely do to "bipolar", as in depression, winter arriving, UFO's flying over my house, etc.

What did show up was an elevated platelet count. The normal range for this lab is 150-375. My number is 543 which warrants a trip to my family doctor to start finding the cause. Naturally, I had Mr. MFBA on Google before I was even out of the parking lot so that I would not drive home thinking I was dying. Then I came home and began my own search.

This is what I have discovered: it could have no cause or symptoms, it could be caused by my bone marrow making too many platelets or my spleen not removing enough platelets from my blood, again this may or may not cause a list of vague symptoms, it could be a rare blood disorder, leukemia, or cause blood clots, it could require no treatment or an aspirin a day or an anti-coagulant for a short amount of time or removal of my spleen.

In short, it could be anything, nothing, or something in between. The search only left me with more questions so I am going to remove the ccw, MD badge from my shirt and wait. Oh, how I hate waiting.*

* Sort of like when your pap smear results come back abnormal and you get the choice of waiting a few months to repeat or having a biopsy. I don't know how people can wait.

Random Bullets of Crap

2009-10-26T09:01:00.004-05:00

We have a new TV. Oh, how it killed me to replace something that was nowhere near needing to be replaced. All the bats have been hidden and Nonami has received a lecture on touching the new TV.

Speaking of TV's, I would like to sell my old one. I was thinking that with its pretty color display it would be a hit with babies or people on acid.

I hate, loathe, and despise all things related NiceAssJuniorHigh at the moment. I started posting about it this morning at Her ADHD but one phone call has left me with many posts to I put it there. These sort of phone calls always make me wish Teen L's problems were visible.

Our niece is having a baby today. She's been in labor for 12 hours now so (hopefully) sometime soon we will be a great uncle and aunt.

Nonami 1, Sharp electronics 0

2009-10-22T07:31:00.003-05:00

Here's our less than 2 years old TV after Nonami had batting practice.
There are not words to express my joy over having to replace an expensive TV right before the holidays and when we are car shopping. Maybe I will just leave you with Nonami's words:

"I DID"

* Ok, there are words but in an effort to not have this post be one big f*ck motherf*ck I'm leaving them out. What has happened to me?

I'm crazy, therefore I complain

2009-10-21T08:20:00.002-05:00

"I wish you weren't this way"

- Mr. MFBA

By now you "know" me well enough to imagine my initial thoughts.* I know when he says things like this that he is attacking the illness not me. He just does not understand that while I am not my illness, the illness is an integral part of who I am.

I hate even saying that because that statement can be so easily misunderstood. I do not define myself by my illness but it has been with me** for nearly 20 years so it has shaped many of my decisions and molded parts of my personality. It's taken a couple of years but I have come to accept that things I thought were just me are more likely just me due to bipolar.

It does upset me when I think of what I could have had/been/done if I had not made so many irrational or bad decisions when I was younger and manic and/or depressed. Then I look at my life and realize that so much of what I have now is a direct result of those decisions and I can't complain.

I wish I was not this way, too, but I am. I just wish he could finally accept that and let our lives move beyond the world of bipolar.

*If you imagined cussing double or triple the words strung together.

** Officially diagnosed or not.

Happy Anniversary!

2009-10-20T09:18:00.003-05:00

Did we get married on the 20th or 21st? Neither of us are eve entirely certain. It takes us a bit of time to remember that it is the 20th. Yeah, the 20th.

This morning we tried to remember what time we got married. Was it 6:00? Maybe not since it might have been dark with the ceremony starting 45 minutes late because the minister was M.I.A. Then it must have been 5:00. Could have been. I don't really know I just remember that we moved the time up because your mom complained about our original time.

You would think that we have been married 50 years for all of the things* that we cannot remember about our wedding. I imagine us one day just telling our kids that we got married. Actually, I guess that is all that matters.

We were married 8 years ago today. Happy Anniversary!

* This is just a small, small portion of the list. We have also forgotten things like who attended, what song we danced to, etc...

One of those names that makes you wonder

2009-10-15T07:42:00.002-05:00

There is a girl in Not-So-Baby H's class named Asia*. I figured her parents were either going for unique or were followers of the rock band in the 80's. Then I found out she is of Asian descent and I didn't know what to think. An Asian girl named Asia?

My final thought was that her parents have a thing for continents. This was blown out of the water when I learned her sister is named Christine.

*It is spelled a tad differently but not enough to ensure you wouldn't recognize it as the continent.

Sick, sick, and sicker

2009-10-12T09:47:00.003-05:00

It started with Nonami (major runny nose, typical not feeling well behavior), moved to Mr. MFBA (cold), then to me (killer sinus infection), and now to Teen L (sinus infection).

Nonami and Mr. MFBA are feeling relatively well now but Teen L and I are alternating between speeding* and feeling like crap or being slugs and feeling like crap.

Now I am off to clean or proclaim exhaustion and sit by the fire.

* This is yet another example of how my mind has left me. I am shaking, haven't been hungry, and have slept no more than 6 hours between the past 2 nights. Yet it never occurred to me to blame the pseudoephedrine. Obviously, I'm out of the meth loop.

Grasping at straws...

2009-10-08T10:54:00.004-05:00

... so I don't throttle her.*

Pretend I never wrote that post about Teen L and her new attitude. Realize that it is the same ol' shit only a different year. Try not to injure her obnoxious, non homework turning in ass.

I am so angry with myself for thinking it was actually going to be a better school year. I should have stuck to my typical negativity and waited for the other shoe to drop. Or in this case the A's to go to C's and the B's to D's and F's. I just don't understand how it happens. Mostly she doesn't hand in the work but she has also started not doing the work. The former pisses me off more than the latter because it makes no sense to have it in your hand but not hand it to the teacher.

I've now talked to two teachers and I have a feeling the science teacher will be calling/e-mailings soon enough. I also received a letter in the mail that contained her grades for this year along with a letter about a new program in whiz zeros are not permitted.

Every evening this week has been spent working on and/or lecturing about homework. She just doesn't care. She doesn't seem to understand why it's important to keep semi-decent grades**, or why she should do her homework, or how she is hurting herself by not caring. To hear her talk she will able to join the swim team, stay in the yearbook club, etc despite us telling her the school will not allow you to participate with less than a 2.0 gpa.

It truly is crazy making.

A great example: Teen L has a folder that contains all her work to turn in. She does not turn in her work even though the folder is with her at all times. To make it worse, if she has two things to turn in to the same teacher she will hand in only one. No shit, she will go through the folder take one math assignment but ignore the other one.

She's not sorry. She won't try. She knows I don't give a fig about her grades; I just want to see everything turned in to her teachers. I just don't understand and God knows I've tried.

* The first of many rambling, non-coherent posts. Next up the joy she brings to my marriage because of her refusal to do and/or turn in her work.

**All I've ever asked for was nothing below a C

Facebook Lessons: How to dump a friend

2009-10-07T08:48:00.004-05:00

This one is simple, with honesty. If you want the person you are dumping to admire you go for all out honesty. This way there is no confusion and you give them fodder for a status update.

Here's a true example:

"I wish you no ill will; I just don't care what happens to you"

I think it's hysterically fabulous!

When's Christmas?

2009-10-06T15:33:00.003-05:00

Since the stores have declared it holiday season as early as August the kids are starting to get excited. Not-So-Baby H wants to do a daily countdown. Nonami on the other hand has spent the last few days saying things like, "Santa is coming in 1 week", "Santa is coming in 1 hour", "Santa buy me boat". It was really cute about the first 200 times but now I am ready to strangle whoever decided that Christmas began when it was still 90 degrees. I won't even start on the commercials for all the latest "must have" toys.

I would like to invite said assholes to my house to spend a day with my children. At this rate I will probably tell them Santa doesn't exist.