at 12AM

12 days ...

2009-11-11T18:11:00.000+08:00

It’s been 12 days since I last posted here.
A lot can happen in 12 days.

A person can suddenly realize that the world is not as blue as they thought.
A mother can suddenly find that she does not understand her children.
A dog might grasp the concept that its does not have a master any more.

Yes.

A lot can happen in 12 days.

Don't worry, nothing happened to me.
Not physically anyway.

Mentally, I think I am still sane.

Yet something did happen.

I found a piece of myself.

It was stuck somewhere and got lost from the main body.

Time passed.

It kept seeking a way back to me.

And now it has.

Though it is part of me still, it felt foreign at the same time.

It’s been so long.

So very long.

Fractured thalamus, solven dreams.

2009-10-30T12:35:00.007+08:00

The kind of pain we go through daily is immense yet quiet.
We have no true way of expressing without feeling lost.
Like being blown off our feet by nothing more than a simple whisper.

Holding so much within.
Its a miracle we all don't just explode into tiny pieces.
Could it be maybe from guilt?
Feeling that we should be stronger?
Wiser?
Better?

Does it have to make senses?
Does anything have to be so well defined?

My mind yearns for a realized path.
A release from the chains of ignorance.
Yet it fears it as well.
Fear that is not entirely baseless.

Look what knowledge brought to Adam & Eve?
Banishment.
Exile from Eden.
The place of ultimate peace.
Our haven from it all.

Is knowing really better?
My mind argues with itself for the answer.
I doubt there will ever be one.

Sponge bob ....

2009-10-28T20:01:00.001+08:00

Have you ever been in a situation where you are being strip search with another person's eyes alone?

If you are a beautiful girl or a handsome man, maybe that happens a lot and you are used to it.

But me, I am your common everyday fungi that hold nothing interesting visually what so ever.
If you were to see me in person, you eyes would have just slink away to something else without even knowing it.

So if and when people were to pay attention to me, two things come to mind.
Firstly, what in the world is she looking at?
The second would be "Is my fly undone?"

Thus we start with my newest dilemma.
Why am I attracting people’s attention?

Now if this were to happen once within a day, I would say "just a coincidence".

But when it happens several times in a day for a few consecutive weeks.
That becomes something of a problem.

Did I mention that it has escalated to the point where I was groped in public?
I shit you not.
I have NEVER been groped by a stranger before.
NEVER.
I don't even get groped by my wife and especially not in a public area.

And yet it happened.

This is the kind of thing that happens in a movie but not real life.

So why is it happening to me?

Yes, it was just the once and I COULD be paranoid.

But what if I told you that people have been "exposing" themselves to me knowing full well that I had 100% access to the visual candy.
And it has happen twice under different circumstances, during different time and day.

The most recent one being this morning.

Like all working days, I take the Light Rail to work.
It’s convenient and allows me the time I need to catch up on my reading.
The traffic was normal and it was moderately packed.

So there I was dutifully reading "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief" when this young nubile girl suddenly appeared in front of me.
The place where I was standing is not exactly the most comfortable one within the train so it’s less crowded as people tend to avoid it.
Normally my neighbors would be young kids or old geezers who do not want to be bothered.
So imagine my surprise when she showed up.

She is what I term a looker.
Someone who will definitely capture male radars.
Wearing a light colored shirt, a bluish skirt and a black DELL bag over her shoulder.
The shirt was what you will call "flexible" and could be made to expose or hide her goods at will.
And in this case, it was set to expose.
Full exposure.
I could see right down her cleavage and her pink bra.
The best part was that the view was meant for me alone.

If you were to stand beside her, her shirt would block the view nicely.

Now you can still say that I paranoid.
I mean, girls have always dressed to make statements.
"I am sexy"
"I am beautiful"
"I am not yours"
The kind that I am used to.
But this one was very different.

What if I told you that she looked at me directly and smiled?
Yep.
Smiled.
The kind that one gets when you are invited over for coffee and more.

What did I do?
I blushed, or course.
Deep dark red blushing.
I must have looked like a Christmas light bulb.

She noticed and did a giggle.
Which made me go redder.

Blood was coursing my veins in speeds too fast for my comfort.
My brain would be mashed if I did not control my breathing soon.
So I purposely put my ring finger in front of her while pretending to shift my book and smiled back.

She saw at the ring and looked back up as if saying "So? What’s the problem?"

It’s been a while since I had been in the game.
But I am pretty sure I have NEVER been approached this way before.
Maybe if I was still single, I would have taken it up.
But as it stands now, my heart belongs to my other half.

So I did what I always do.
I walked away.

I shifted my body away from her and moved towards the other end of the cabin.
Got off in the next stopped, which incidentally was the one before I intended, and walked the rest of my way to work.
Letting the warm morning sun burn away the tension that set between my legs.

I hope these stops soon.
My pants are killing me.

Anal retention control ...

2009-10-24T21:38:00.003+08:00

News Bulletin.

Every principle credit card is now required to pay RM50 to the government as service charge.

That means if you are like me you will be paying an extra of RM300 for the privilege of owning 6 credit cards.

Don't get why I need so many of them?

Most of my cards have specific roles to play.

I have one card for internet purchases.
I have one card for fuel/petrol purchases.
I have one card for my monthly expenses.
I have one card for my every day usage.
I have two cards as backup for emergency usage which requires more than RM10k swipes.

So now that there is this RM50 surcharge requirement, I will be forced to throw my backups away.

Maybe combine my internet and fuel purchases into one card.

So I end up needing at least 3 cards to better control fraud possibilities.

What a pain.

But this of course is my own fault.
Banks don't really like me for my practices.
As I pay off all my bills every month.
They don't get to catch me with interest fees.
Mainly because of this practice of mine, all my expenses are easy to keep track of.
And I know where exactly the problem lies whenever it happens.

Nope.
Banks never like me.
I am too anal retentive for their liking.

Hit the enter key ...

2009-10-23T22:07:00.003+08:00

Setting goals and meeting them.
Its easier said than done.
There so many self help books out there addressing these issues that so much so the books themselves are the issue.
With so many advice which one of them is the one that is correct?

At least thats what a normal human being will end up doing.
Doubting themselves even more before they even begin on the path to recovery.

So what is this thing that stop us from being more?

Fear?
Laziness?
Faithless?

Notice that I don't even mention words like depression, stress or confusion.
Thats because I do not believe that they are cause, rather they are merely symptoms of the illness itself.
Yes illness.

Not the kind that the general practitioners look at.
Nor is it the kind that the 100 dollar per session psychiatrist version.
But it is an illness none the less.
An illness of the heart and not of the mind.

Without properly diagnosing the illness, the cause won't surface.
And I speak from experience when I say that people who do not live their life fulfilled are not those that are simple minded.
They have high IQ's.
The can even have high EQ's.
But it won't be enough.
Smarts have nothing on this.

We are in the situation where a person who knows what they should do and how to do it without the "heart" to carry it out.
There is no fuel to push them onwards.
There is no will to go on.

If people paid attention to the statistics in the world, I am sure they will find that the numbers of suicides and divorces are getting higher and higher by the day.

They say its a social disorder that infects the weaker within the population.
And they are not far off from the mark.
The truth of the matter is that people just gave up on their life because they have nothing to live for.
The daily grind literally grinds the living out of us.
The heart is crushed and spit on without any sign of ever slowing down.

Its as if we no longer matter.

Where has the will gone?
Where has our heart wandered off?

Thats where faith has come and saved me.
Yes, faith.
Those of you who thinks that I am talking about religion is only half right.
Faith is about believing in something.
Some believe strongly upon themselves, we call them egomaniacs.
Some believe strongly upon religion, we call them fanatics.
Some believe strongly upon science, we call them squints.
And these are the people who gets things done.
Primarily because they have the "fuel" required to move pass obstacles.

I am a man of faith.
I believe in GOD, Science and myself.
So I can be labeled as a fanatical-ego-manic squint.
Its not too hard to imagine me taking up a sword and just bulldozing my way through life and all its obstacles.
Its not even hard to accept that I don't take no for an answer other than those that comes from my wife.

So what is my point?
What is the moral of this post?
I am not sure.
This is from one of my theraphatic writing exercise in which I just put whatever is in my mind into words.

Maybe I just wanted a reason to explain why I get angry at people who keep telling me that things can't be done.

Yaba daba dooo ....

2009-10-21T09:26:00.001+08:00

It’s been a while since I last posted beautiful people on the blog.
Of course it’s not because I don't see them anymore.
But rather, I don't want people to take this site as a girls-r-us venue.

That being said, here is today's contribution to world peace.

I see her often.

I am also pretty sure that she has appeared on my blog before but I can't seem to find her.

She has had some changes to her.
Now a day she looks more womanly, less girl next door.
Maybe it’s the make up.
Or she found a good man to satisfy her both emotionally and physically.

She is not glowing though.
But she seems to be close to it.
Best of luck to her.

Should I give her a nick name?
I mean, constantly avoiding the usage of a name during a sentence is quite tiring.
And only referring to her as "her" is strange after a while.

But what name would be suitable?
Betty?
Patricia?
Diana?
Francine?
Delma?

Or Sheila?
She does look like a Sheila.
I have known a few Sheila's that she reminds me of.

Maybe I should just stick with Pretty Girl #5.

Or just simply her will be enough.

It should just work ...

2009-10-15T10:49:00.000+08:00

You can often hear me say the above phrase these days where ever I go.

The phrase is really asking for pain.

Why?

Because nothing is ever going to "just work".

But I do believe it to be so.

I know it’s irrational to do so, yet I persist on the notion none the less.
Good old donkey stubbornness.

My boss has given me a lot of grief over it.
Maybe that’s why my credibility with him is so low.
He questions my judgment on this.
As we had yet to have anything "just work".

So again, the question begs to be asked.
"Why say it then?"

Because it SHOULD just work.

That’s my dream.
That’s the way I want it to be for real.
Not just a phrase.
But a true begotten fact.

I want this to be a fact whenever I am within the picture.
Things should just work because we put in the effort to make it work.
And not pray that it does not fail.
The confidence is within our ability to deliver.
So when we say that things "should just work", it will just work.

Take it from me.
When people don't believe in us, it’s ok.
It is only when we give up on ourselves that is when true tragedy begins.

How to talk to ourselves ...

2009-10-14T11:20:00.000+08:00

Its now coming to the mid of the October month.
I look back into the few weeks before only to be surprised how much has changed.
I am less tense.
Less irritated with everything.

One afternoon with a new diary and a new pen can do wonders.
Pouring out all my fears and thoughts on to paper.
Taking away the inhibition to hide behind the shadows of doubt.
A humbling experience.

Not the first time I did this.
And I doubt it will be my last as well.
That’s part of life, I suppose.
Ups and downs.
Like a roller coaster ride.
Hanging tightly onto our seats.
Praying that the stress don't throw us out of our skins.

Tempting as it might be for me.
I denied the shadow its victory for now.
A never ending fight.
Clinging to a sense of sanity.

Eve might have had it slightly better me.
With the serpent only tempting it with one fruit.
Mine seem to be everywhere and everything.
Or maybe it’s the same after all.
It is luring with one big temptation.

"Souls are overrated", it says.
"You need not hold on so tightly", it sings.
"Do you even know what it is?” it questions.
"Have you any use for it?” it pokes.

Tethering between one darkness and another.
It puts the hook where you least expect it.
Thinking that we are doing good.
We end up digging a deeper hole to bury ourselves.

Once a while though, we catch a break.
Like the sirens of the sea that sings to the sailors.
Angels come and knock some sense into our flawed minds.

"Foolish man, do you know nothing", she says.
"Have you no sense that He loves you above all things?” she wails.
"What must happen before you open your eyes?” she pleads.
"When are you coming back to His kingdom?” she whispers.

Take this as it is.
It’s not a sermon.
It’s not a prayer.
Its not preach.
I was lost and He came for me.
Of course the truth is that He never left.
Only that I was too blind to see it.

He waited patiently.
He still waits patiently.

Everyone thinks that I am talking nonsense.
That I have lost my individuality.
I was a man of science.
Now I am a foolish believer.

"What has become of you?” they ask.
"Why did you turn away from reason?” they shout.
"Is it worth it to give up your self?" they pushed for more.
"Are you happy now?” they wondered out loud.

I am what I am.
Has always been.
Will always be.
I did not turn away.
I did not loose my will.
I am still a man of science.
I just appreciate it more than I had before.

Live your life.
Live it because it’s the only one you have.

Prelude - Pebbles in the dream

2009-10-08T02:44:00.003+08:00

The many things that come into mind are often those that make no sense.
Like little glimpse of images that is part of a bigger picture but in itself says nothing at all.
Some say that only that with the eyes of prophet’s do those lights come together with meaning.

How many mortals often wished to have that sight?
To them its power over the common man.
To be able to see beyond, to peer into destiny itself.
What grandeurs that must be.

I am not one of these men.
Not any more.
All I wish for is the simple brush of existence.
The non complexities.

I was not like that years back.
Back when I had the fire of a thousand suns burning within me.
Now all I hold is a single candle that gives light enough so that I don't slip and break my foolish neck.

Did I surrender to the gods?
My will gone with the winds?
I don't think so.

I look back into my journals only to find that I have been slowly changing through the years.
Moving silently but surely away from the lime light.
Standing in the shadows of others so that I can disappear from the sights of roving eyes.
I no longer yearn for acknowledgement.
All I want to do is finish the work.
Preferably without any fan fare or nosey liberals.

At the end of days, all that’s left would be my work.
My name, forgotten through time.
My breath, reused by millions.
My flesh, reborn within nature.
And I am content with that ending.

The end is nigh.
And I shall seek redemption from within.
For I will find no pity from those I chose to save.

From the Journals of Icarus Bara Cornelius
Royal scribe to the 29th Haven Emperor Zachariah Skye

This is one of my many dust piled works that I have done through the years.
It has no back story.
No well formed characters.
Just an idea and a childish dream.

Hold still ...

2009-10-07T13:17:00.004+08:00

Its Wednesday again.

It seems that I have fallen into a pattern or posting during the middle of the week.
As if I am accumulating data just so that I can have something to post.
It might be true.
But its not.
I have canned post but I am too interested to put it up.
When I started this, I posted almost daily.
Look at my posting history and you will see.
2 years straight, every day I would put something new up.

Have I over posted myself?

Ran out of topics?

Writers block?

Not true.

The fact of the matter is that I am in a phase of life that has a lot of static events. And I don't mean the repetitive task like eating, shitting and sleeping.

I am talking about my mental event.
The things that I am thinking about has reach a plateau.
A very big flat surface.

My seniors have warmed me about this.
They told me that I would eventually grow out of my "active" state.
Of course they said it when I was 16 and expected my brain to simmer down when I reach 18.
It took me 20 years to slow down.
And even now I am still refusing to let the peddle go.

Why should I let go of dreaming?
Why should I stop being exited over every little thing?
Why should I be afraid of anything foreign?

But maybe I should be be asking something else instead?
Like for instance, "Why am I afraid of slowing down?"

Am I actually afraid of getting old like the rest of my peers?
Afraid that slowing down means I am getting too old to be useful?
Am I becoming irrelevant?

That does seem to be the case.
That fear that I am nobody again.
This is assuming that I am somebody today.

The logic is sound.
The analysis is valid.
But is it true?

I don't think I am anyone of importance now.
Not in the way that could shape the world, anyway.
And I think that bugs me more than anything else.
I have not yet achieve something that I can be proud of.

There is no legacy.
No monument.
Nothing.

And I really do not want to leave without making a mark somewhere.
Is this my arrogance speaking?
Or my inner voice telling me wake up?

Castle and the air ...

2009-10-02T01:42:00.001+08:00

Daughter: It was a train wreck.
Father: What happened?
Daughter: Talia.
Father: What’s a talia?

That’s the part of the conversation that caught my eye in the latest episode of Castle.

I have had this type of conversation with some of my friends in the past.
During my uni days as I mentioned in my older postings, I was the "safe guy".
Girls confided with me their relationship problems.
Hell, I am usually the shoulder that gets wet when their boy friends make the mistake.
Now that I think about it, I do play the fatherly figure quite well.
Tall and old-ish looking was my thing.

Does that mean I understand the female specie better?
Hell, no.
I doubt there is a living male who can ever claim that throne.
What they want from me is the idea of a man that they want off me but not me.

Am I making sense?
Simply put, they want the idea of a person like me but from a character that is NOT me.

They usually yearn for an understanding, caring male partner that is flamboyant, sassy and handsome.
I fulfill the understanding and caring part.
But I am definitely not flamboyant, sassy and handsome.

Is there such a person who exists?
I have not met him but I can't really for certain say he does not exist.
But the odds are they are rare and seldom living in a condominium near you.

Most girls complain that their spouses are not caring or that they take them for granted after a while.
Some of the other common things to say are that the boys no longer love them the same way when they first met.
The most used words are "The romance/love has died off"

Is that true?
Maybe.
But my personal observation of these relationships is that the so call romance never existed in the first place.
It was merely an item in the checklist of things to do in order to woo the girl.
You can get it from the "How to get a girl for dummies" book.
There are plenty of advices on what to do in order to get the girl.
And unfortunately for the girls, these moves are nothing more than just an illusion from what is truly underneath.

And you think the girls don't know it?
They do.
With the amount of time I spent comforting these ladies, one thing I know for sure is that they KNOW what they are doing.
But they want to hope that these guys will keep doing it even after the boys cashed in their paychecks.
The sad story is that most stop doing it after the first few months of relationship.
And they will most probably forget that they ever did it six months down the road.

Why?
Because that "person" aren't the real them.
Why bother pretending when you already got what you wanted?

So, I end up mopping up all the tears and picking up all the broken pieces.
They get to do the deed and I clean up the mess.
Do you hear a trace of cynic in my voice?
Maybe because I am fed up with them.
Correction, I WAS fed up with these warped ideas of romance that girls dream of having.

Why would an intelligent, well liked and handsome man bother to be like me?
They have things easy when it comes to girls.
They don't really need to understand girls.
Girls of every height and background would throw themselves to these chaps just because they are physically attractive.
And these guys are not dumb, they are smart people, they know how to play it out.
Saying the right words.
Singing the right songs.
Why invest more than what is needed.
And the girls just lap it all up.

You might feel that I am unfair in these statements.
It’s as if girls can't see past physical beauty.
So in order to be fair, I will say that guys do the same thing as well.
They can't see past the boobs, ass and bouncy hair.

So is this an ugly vs. pretty post?
Nope.
I am just laying the foundation out for what I need to say.

If you want something and you think it’s important, then you should consider the options available to you.

The caring and understanding individuals (be it male or female) are those who are either forced or born with those characteristics.
They are usually very plain looking and shy.
It’s what makes them ... them.
Due to their experience in life which is more or less dictated by their plain looks, they tend to learn up skill sets that will assist them to find success in life.
And it usually falls into the resources that are at hand to them.
That would be time, patients and their mind.
They will take the time to think things true.
To analyze.
To understand it better.
It might start out as a simple question of "Why don’t people like me?"
Or "Why am I always being picked on?"
In order to resolve these fundamental issues, they strive to understand it.
That might eventually lead to a habit that lays the foundation to a caring and passionate individual.

Pretty people seldom need to do it.
And even if they did, it won't be to the extent that is put out by the plain faced.
I have seen it again and again through out my years in school and work place.
We are who we are because of the motivation that drives us.

So I am the guy that girls love to be around when they need a friend but not a lover.
And because of that I see things differently from most other boys.
I learned that I want a girl that can see me for who I am and not who they want me to be.
I chose to give my life to that person fully and without hesitation.
Mostly I learned that I should stop dreaming about pretty faces and bodacious curves.
Because at the end of the day, I am seeking a soul mate and not a visual prop.

Maybe that’s why I worship my wife so much.
She has everything that I want and more.
My goddess.
My love of life.

Tales of the wanton snapper teer ...

2009-09-30T15:44:00.004+08:00

It’s not always about me.
Really.
I mostly talk about other people when I am having a conversation with friends.
People don't notice it much, but I don't put much emphasis on myself.

I don't find myself interesting at all.

To me, the people around me are more fascinating.
Their though process.
Their motivation.
Their feelings.
It all paints a story that is foreign and exotic.
In my minds eye, I see volumes upon volumes of unread chapters that intrigue me.

Of course they don't agree with me on that matter as well.

So here is another chapter of someone else’s life on a still image.

Hope you enjoy it.

I aim to behave ...

2009-09-25T20:52:00.004+08:00

They are two men that stand out when I think about being a fan for.
One is Captain Malcolm Reynolds.
The other is Angel.

Both of which are now staring in the shows that I love to watch now whenever I get the time.
And those are Bones and Castle.

The reason why I like watching these shows is because the actors are portraying things which speak to me personally.

For instance the opening episode for second season of Castle spoke about a simple fact which I have known for a long time.
Men don’t apologize.
We don't like to.
Somewhere sometime when our genes were assembled, we got it into our programming that apologizing is a symptom of weakness.
It’s better to ignore that weakness and focus on the problem that is being shared by that weakness.

Whenever I make a mistake or something that gets my wife mad at me, I tend to turn the table around and ensure that I end up in the high ground.

As a matter of fact, I tend to do it for everything that I do that ends up being a mess.

Its not that I don't acknowledge that I am the cause of the mess in the first place, but I just won't knowingly apologize for it.

The question that begs to be asked is then "Why not?"

I can't really answer it for every other person but for me personally, it just that I am angry that I made the mistake and apologizing is like pouring salt over the wound and then grinding it further in with my own foot.
Imagine that pain and multiply it by ten.
Really.

But I have also learned humility through the years due to my arrogance of that nature.
I might first react as a total ass when people find out about my mistake, but in a short amount of time later, I would actually man up and bite the bullet.
I will always apologize for my mistake.

This is maybe why I still have a wife who would tolerate my arrogant ass.

I am still training myself to not react so defensively when people find out that I am mistaken, sometimes I actually manage to catch it before I make a fool of myself.
But most of the time I don't which makes the apology that comes after that all the more harder.

Its harder for me and the person that I apology to.

Harder for me because I would have to find a lot more sincerity within myself in order to let the other party understand that I am genuinely sorry for what I did.

Harder for them because instead of forgiving me for one mistake, they will have to search deeper in their heart to forgive me on two subjects that I have hurt them with.

Mistakes hurt both us and others at the same time.
The pain is stabbed straight into our hearts and it takes a lot of love to forgive.

We are not saints.
But I do believe that in our soul there is enough of something that might allow us to be a better person.

I am happy that Bones and Castle are back on air.
Maybe I might just learn a little bit more on how to become less of a jerk and more of a better man that I wholly wish to be.

Life can be perfect ...

2009-09-24T17:15:00.001+08:00

Only in bones will you have a someone visit a funeral wake only to discover a murder situation.

And only in bones will you have the said someone abduct the body to conduct an autopsy and then later find to be poisoned and killed by a cup of tea.

Watching bones is one of the simpler things that I do to destress.

That or going to the arcades.

Zombie shooting games are the bomb.

Am still in the mist of my holiday.
As a matter of fact, I am typing this in San Francisco Cafe near my place.
Its one of the areas where you get free power to run your notebook while enjoying green tea.

Its also quite a nice place to watch movies while sipping green tea as well.

Now you know what I do in my holidays.

Now all I need is some very nice looking ladies to waltz past me and give me those knowing smiles.

Life is then perfect.

Fringe is back ...

2009-09-23T13:17:00.002+08:00

Thats all I have to say.

Am currently having a long holiday.
So I won't be posting must.

Will put interesting stuff up if I can.

i-snap-pictures will be on hold for a week and then its back to normal.

I have plenty of new stuff to put up.
Hope you enjoy it.

Back to chores.

They look so real ...

2009-09-18T19:02:00.002+08:00

She is in one of the windows I walk pass when I go to work.
Every time I pass her, I stop and stare for a while.
I know she is not real.
She is just a mannequin.
Just a display ornament.

But there is something different to me.
Her eyes though deprive of life seem to sparkle all the same.
I half expect her to just stand up and wink at me sometimes.

If I were to gauge facial beauty, she would be the standard I set.

You might think me weird.
Even a little insane.
But she does fit the image that I have for such things.

Have you noticed?
I said her.
To me she is my Mona Lisa.

Catching doodles ...

2009-09-17T12:11:00.000+08:00

Postings have been slightly sparse mainly due to the fact that I am STILL tied up with work.

Plus the occasional issues like my in-laws getting minor strokes that took me away for days, if not weeks.

I say it like so as if I am merely an observer.
A stranger.

It’s easier I suppose to deal with things when we don't put ourselves within the circle.

Much like the doctors that attended us.

Aloof.
Distant.
Cold.

It’s their defense mechanism.
The line that enables them to function day in day out without actually loosing their sanity.

The kind of stress that they shoulder is heavy enough without complicating it with actual attachment to their patients.

Yet we can't help but feel that they don't care.
It’s just about the money.
Maybe.

Does it matter?
We are there only for the duration of our need.
Once we are done, we go.
Detaching ourselves from the chemical contortions for medication.
And the chilling corridors of white walls.

We don't much care for them as well, it seems.
Why should they care for us?

Bollocks on the part that says it’s their profession.
Professionalisms merely indicates that they have the know how to perform the task given to them.
It’s the passion that is required of them and it’s the passion that will eventually kill them as well.

We ask so much of them.
And we give back so little.

And it’s not just limited to doctors.
It’s the same for every other profession in the world.
Teachers.
Lawyers.
Architects.
Sanitary Personnel’s.
Every one of them.
We attach our "standards" to them and then deem them unworthy of our own compassion.

Human beings are such hypocrites.
Can we ever be more?

Its not green lantern ...

2009-09-10T23:10:00.003+08:00

Ok Guys.
This is not your everyday post from me.

I am going to promote this online comic that I found while reading some other online comic.

Its about a girl.
Yes.
A girl.
... she talks about sex.
A lot of sex.
And its bloody funny.

For the faint hearted and the purist, please do not go there.
But if you are curious ...

... well its your funeral.

Here it is.
DAR : A super girly top secret comic diary

I crap you not.
She is funny.
Just don't get too put off by her ... interesting terms.

Hello ...

2009-09-08T17:12:00.002+08:00

That’s how it all starts.
A simple word.
As good as any I suppose.

What flows after that is basically up to the person that utters it.

Of recent times, the word has been used by an ex-staff of mine whenever she wants to seek my advice.

She is one of the few staff's that I have which I will remember for a long time.

For one, she is the first female staff that I have under my wing which I actually raised my voice to.
I am still not sure if it was the right thing I did then but my passion got the better of me when I found out that she made a rookie mistake.

When I confronted her about the matter, the brush off attitude on the subject just pushed me over the edge and I scolded her for being stupid.

Now the action itself is not a surprised.
My wife, my friends and my family have known me to behave like so whenever I see them acting like an idiot.
I tend to act like that with the people I keep close to my heart.
But I have never ever done it to anyone that worked under me.
I might raise my voice but I seldom (if ever) tell them that they are an idiot.

Yet that’s what I did to her.

Maybe I cared too much and the line got blurred.

Whatever the reason, it was done and she resigned the next day.
I have never apologized to her for that behavior of mine.
And I have accepted the fact that she will most probably never talk to me again once she leaved the office.

I was wrong.

About 2 years later, I was told that she was married and have given birth to a baby boy.

And the baby boy had my Christian name.
I was surprised.

Really really surprise.

I would not have named my children any name that even resembles someone that had treated me the way I did her.

But she did.

And then about 9 months back I started receiving emails from her.

It started simple.
A simple statement.
"Hello, how are you. I named my son after you".

Yeah.

From then onwards, she would send me a hello mail every month or so.
Telling me about the child’s progress and her family issues.
I gave her my opinion and what I thought she needed to hear.
The conversations were often a series of email exchange that spans between 1 - 2 hours.
And that would be it.

This morning, she wrote me yet another hello mail.
She was having problems with her husband and that she did not know what to do.
The subject itself was rather simple.
She was a Christian and her husband a Taoist.
Before the child was born, they both agreed that the child will be given a choice to choose his religion when he comes to age.
But of recent times, the husband had started to take the child to participate in the Taoist religious rituals.
This of course sparked off the amber that grew into a heated argument.
Hence coming to me for advice.

Before I proceed on, I am still a little perplexed at why people actually come to me for advice.
I mean, this is the girl that I treated quite rudely and for all that is worth, I won't talk to me if I was treated that way.
But they actually come back.
I am pretty sure it’s neither my personality nor my looks that encourages such reactions.

Anyway, after a few emails to and fro I eventually gave her the following email.

I am not sure if you knew or it was just coincidence that you chose to ask me about this but I am born into a family of Christian faith but my mom is actually a Taoist.

I was never baptized when I was born, even though my Christian name was given to me then.
As you already know, it is also my legal name.

My mom and dad never forced me to sway in any directions.
They gave both sides of the teachings to me and I absorbed them both as if it was scripture.
When I say teachings, I mean the fundamentals that are not religious based.
Like honesty, integrity and good will.

I can't tell you if what my parents did is right or wrong.
Given the fact that I might be biased to it as I am the product of their teachings, but I strongly believed that being a Christian is more than just going to Sunday mass or that holding josticks makes me a Taoist.

Of course this is one of the contention points whenever I talk to my fellow Christian friends.
To them, I am still a lost sheep.
To me I am closer to my faith than I have ever known.

So what am I saying here?

I believe that you should love your child and teach him the values which our lord teaches us.
I also believe that in a successful relationship we should discuss all our decisions with our partners and come to a reasonable conclusion.

Know that our faith is not about how well we know our scriptures but how well we live by them.
It’s our communion with the Lord that helps us become someone better than what we are born into.

I have known people who can quote the bible from their finger tips, but walk the path of an unbeliever and I have known people who know nothing of our scriptures but walk the path as shown by our Lord.

It is how we live our lives that we help bring our friends and our love ones closer to God.

As my dad used to say "Preaching by example".

Do I believe in the Buddhist ways?
My answer is that I admire some of their teachings as they sing a certain truth that mirrors the words of our Lord.
But I am my Lords servant because I choose to be so.

I apologize if I sound long winded.
And I might not have answered your question in the manner you were expecting.

Just remember that forcing someone to follow our way does not mean that they will do it willingly or faithfully, regardless of the validity of that choice.

We do it with compassion, understanding and patients.
But most of all, we do it with faith that it will be as the lord wills it.

Talk to you husband, share with him your views.
Seek the balance point.
Do not put your status as the mother to be a convenient point of decision because it will only "taint" the rationale process and make others NOT see what you are trying to convey.

And before you go off in a tangent, remember that your husband agreed to have a Christian name as the child’s legal name.
That (to me personally) shows an act of compromise and understanding from your partner.

No reply came after that.
I am not sure if she got pissed of my answer.
Or that she was too busy.
Only time will tell.

Don't make me chase you ...

2009-09-04T00:00:00.001+08:00

Ladies and Gentleman.

The fair and the furlies.

Welcome to the world of the flesh eating numbness that we call the circus of living.

As far as the world knows and that which we mortals understood, life is all about what we do before we kick the provocial bucket.

Huh?
What gives?

Has izchan blown off his fluffy head?
Has it inevitable finally happened?
He is spurting nonsense.
Well, more nonsense than I usually spout.

What’s this all about, you ask?

Everyone knows that THAT is what we get before death.
Hence it is and will always be known as LIFE.

But here you see is where I split hair with you all.

Life is a noun.
A euphemism to capture the essence of our actions.
That action of living.
In which living is the verb, the motion that gives context to the noun.

Most of us see life differently.
That would explain why we live our lives differently as well.
Our point of view varies.
The center of the universe is not the same center of the universe between multiple individuals.

I know and understand that.
Now I just need to be able to apply it whenever I talk to people.

With my current company size cut down to a hand full, it’s imperative that we build a communication platform in which all of us are on the same page.
Without proper communication, the spiral of death will just continue to whirl its deadly knives onto our unprotected minds.
Take note that I mention the word communication twice.
I did not use the word talk.
I did not say management.

I said co-mu-ni-ca-tion.

The art of communicating is the ability to share our ideas with others in the most accurate manner possible in the context that both parties are familiar with.
They have to see what we see in order for proper communication to be achieved.

It’s much harder than it seems.
Some people have the knack for it.
They spin a few words together and "Wham!!" everyone gets it.
Some spend hours talking and nothing gets through.
That later example would be me.

I can't seem to say things in the form which others can grasp instantly.
Take for instance this posting.
Why in the world did I go through so many senseless bush whacking just so I can tell people that "Life itself is simple, it’s the Living that gets complicated"

Would it have been easier to just say that phrase?
In my mind, if I were to say that, it would almost be like telling people about the energy transference theory without giving them all the specifics.

So I wove some relevant facts together that sounded interesting.
Then paint it in bright yellow to give it some shine.
And lastly push it into the oven and give it its crispy finishing.

Does it work?

Sometimes.
There are those which can't grasp my words at all.
They see me as a rambling old man that won't shut up.
And I agree with them too.

I talk too much.
But I don't communicate well.
The art of singing to the heart is somewhat lost to me whenever I actively seek it.
This is why I stopped actively seeking it.

Made a choice.
Planned a path.
And I am going to walk that thorny line between what’s right and what’s necessary.

Good night people.
It is 12AM.
Thank you for listening.

Its the holidays ...

2009-08-31T17:42:00.004+08:00

As of now, I am sitting by the pool side enjoying the breeze.

Children and parents a like are having fun splashing water every where.

Picture perfect.

No, you don't get to see bikini's and naked man in their primes.

I have an obligation to keep this a respectable site still.

So just to not let you guys feel too left out.

I saw her at a food store and found that she looked remarkably attractive when she is concentrating on her food making activity.

So here she is.

Truly an angel at work.

Because you asked so nicely ...

2009-08-27T11:23:00.004+08:00

I am strong supporter of the concept "1Malaysia".
So here is a nice looking lady from our brother race.

One would be surprise at the amount of nice looking people we see on a busy commuting day.

I wonder why aren't these ladies being driven to work by chauvinistic pigs like me?

On the Bench ...

2009-08-26T21:00:00.000+08:00

As I was saying in my previous post.
I am much more "connected" compared to before.
As my wife and I work on different parts of the state, she being in the northern end and I being in the south, we tend to end up waiting for each other whenever we leave the office to catch dinner together.
So either she or I will be waiting at the LRT station for each other.

Whenever it was me that was doing that particular chore, I would be either reading a book or typing away in my notebook.
But never in 100 years would I imagine myself blogging while doing that.
I know my phone has a function called "photo" blogging in which I can post a pic up to blogspot and presto instant blog post.
But for some bizarre reason that I refuse to contemplate, I don't do so.

I would rather login via a computer and do it via that route.

Old fashion?
Maybe.
But I ain't going to do it any other way.

So here is my first post done in the comfort of me sitting on a bench in a LRT station.
All the time thinking,
"How strange the world has become.
We are so much more connected and yet so distant at the same time."

Moving Pictures ...

2009-08-26T19:02:00.005+08:00

Have been online more often now than I had before.

Mainly due to the fact that I am now constantly connected to the internet due to my spiffy W902 using Maxis 3G Unlimited Data Usage Pack.

Whoa ... what a mouth full.

Yes, got the package due to work related requirements but have seemed to grow into my personal activities as well.

Apparently now I am in Facebook a lot more frequent.
I am actually a level 52 Mafia boss.
And I have a bunch of people running a restaurant for me 24 x 7.
All in all a very productive life style.

Yet, that’s not the biggest change that I have.
The biggest change is that I am now more connected to the software development world with my easy access to development sites.
I am now studying up Flash so that I can pick up some of the projects left hanging in the office with my office restructuring.
It’s becoming a fulfilling enterprise.

That and the fact that my notebook is now a fully fledge running Web server with the latest Apache and PHP servers running side by side, gives me the ability to pick up my lack of knowledge with the PHP world. I used to do all my web development in ASP and then later it was suppose to be .NET but it got side tracked because I really could not find the time to do more research.

Now that I have the connection available on my finger tips, I have begun to read more about the PHP and am slowly trying to ease my way into the mind frame of creating a whole new project within the confines on my notebook alone.

Blogging has taken a seat in the bench lately as well, because I am trying to get my mind back into the development game.
Well, I should say blogging with words have been slowed down.
My picture blogging efforts are still in full steam.
It’s easier for me as a whole.
The pictures are not as random as most will think it to be.
I am quite picky on what I show to the world.
It has to have some context and somewhat related to my daily life.
Just random pictures just won't do.

Hope you enjoy "i snap pictures" as much as you enjoy coming here.

And here is something for you to feast your eyes.

Have to keep my fans happy someway ... :)

Its simply this ...

2009-08-22T01:06:00.004+08:00

When one makes a decision,
one should commit to it.

When one begins their first step,
the rest is but a repeat of the previous movement.

When one open their eyes,
the future will no longer be a stuff of dreams.

US President Obama is a man of action.
A practical decision maker.
A realist.

His goals and hopes for the US of A?
To live up to their reputation.
To be accountable for their actions.
To make being an American mean something mighty again.

I can back that kind of leadership.
I will walk to the ends of the world for that kind of leadership.

His current reforms are a controversial tactic which he aims to stabilized the economy as well as to calm the general public of the fear that has been spreading like the flu.

I do agree that the peoples fear are not unfounded. The government having so much direct influence on every aspect of our daily, it becomes like Big Brother is controlling the basic foundation of freedom itself.

But we must not forget that if the government is not capable enough to stabilized to situation, they might not be much of a country left for freedom to be uphold. And he is not proposing for the government to hold these portfolios for long. Its a stop gap approach to ensure that the fit can recover.

The power will always return to the people at the end.
But we must vigilant and not be blind by an idea.
Check and balance are the key to any good governance.
Be weary but don't let fear be an obstacle that denies us the best approach for a better tomorrow.

Learn from our history.
Remember Rome.